Change My Style Yo

Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Acknowledgement: Thank you Jilda, Novi-Ann, Zoundria, Lisa-Ann, Lauren, Danique, the whole of the class 3-4 from the period 2008-2009, those from 3-1 that wrote poems in the school yearbook, my loving parents, GOD and my teachers and others at Campion College who just help me to have a even more messed up life with each day I go to school. Thank you all. Oh yeah, thank you Jhanelle, I am always going to remember you always going on and on about ADVANCED chemistry when I barely understood the basics, I love you.

Just as how Rebecca needed you, I needed you but in a different way. I didn’t need your help or your pity, what I needed from you was for you to be there and tell me I was doing okay. That’s all I ever needed from you.” Natasja felt her jaws drop open in surprise and she had good reason to, Brenda needed no one, she was strong, determined and un-self-conscious. “You are kidding me, right?” “No, I am not, you might not realize it but the way you were before was good enough for everyone around you. You were the only one who felt you needed to change; we loved you for being you and helping out people and having your little sarcastic humor. It was you.” Natasja felt a different type of sadness, a nicer kind of sadness, if that were even possible. She was sad because she was sorry she didn’t see that she was okay. Before either of them could think of something else that needed to be said, they hugged like two sailors finding shore after a terrible storm. They sat there at the table, weeping in each other’s arms. The coast was clear. “So what are you going to do?” Brenda asked as they walked out of Yamane Center together. Natasja felt dazed as though too many things were happening in too little time and her brain wasn’t able to cope with the data. “What do you mean?” Brenda looked at her sternly, the sensible, reliable friend back where she belonged. Natasja smiled, the sun no longer shone brightly on her face, she had to correct a few mishaps. “I’m not sure how things are going to go with me but I have this friend that you may know and she needs me greatly,” she remarked slyly with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. She wasn’t dead yet. Brenda smiled knowingly, “Then what are you waiting for?” Natasja really didn’t know.

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo

February 6, 2009- commence

PART 1- Old Habits Die Hard Change my style, Change my life. Change can happen easily but can you change back? Chapter 1 I kept thinking, was there ever going to be someone for me when I grow up, is there a place for me. Will I be happy when I grow older? I really don’t know. I am sadly one of the few girls who don’t dream of themselves in this big fantasy wedding if I ever thought of myself marrying. I felt afraid because not everyone finds a happy ending or a sunset in the wilderness. I want to be happy. I want a family, a loving husband, children who will love being a part of the family and be good people. I want so much, yet I don’t know if that will be my future. I want a good job, where I make more than enough to support my family. I want all of these things; but is it possible? Some people get so lucky yet others have it extremely hard. I don’t have a clue who I truly am but I know I want to be happy. I want to care for people; I want to feel love, belonging, stability, and people. I want everything life has to offer but I am afraid I am being too greedy. I sometimes feel I have to eliminate some in order to get the others. The thing was: which do I keep and which do I sacrifice? Natasja wrote down everything she felt. It was hard, emotions she was trying to avoid, even from herself, just escaping into the endless pages of her diary. Natasja didn’t know what exactly prompted her to write about her future like that; maybe it was Valentine’s Day and the fact that she was fourteen and didn’t have a boyfriend. It was awkward, everyone around her seemed to have that special someone, and she had no one. Her life revolved around novels and without it, she was lost. Head held back she closed her eyes and longingly pictured everything she wanted but saw nothing that she did have. It was a dream. Or was it?Looking up into the ceiling of her room, book in hand it came to her. Rather than could I have this? Could I have that? why not how could I get it?

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Rolling over on her soft pink covered bed she opened her dark purple and black knapsack, searching for her Geography notebook. Geography was her worst subject, always had been, even when she didn’t know she was doing it. Back then it was Social Studies which in high school Natasja realized was a mixture of History and Geography. Normally, she would not have paid attention to Geo at all but Science was getting too deep into Geo with all the Rock and mineral crap and then soil. Reading all the notes she had bothered to take in class, she was able to break down the different rock groups by the way the rock was formed. Igneous was directly linked to intrusive and extrusive, sedimentary was chemically, organic and something else that was illegible. Stretching over her book, Natasja searched her bag for a bubble gum; she couldn’t survive without chewing something. Popping a piece of the Bubblicious into her mouth she tried to concentrate. By her bedtime she had successful read over all her notes on rocks and minerals. Tomorrow she decided that she was going to make a date with the library to look up Earthquakes. Coming out of her miniature bedroom with its blue and white stars, she went to get ready for bed. Natasja brushed her teeth twice as carefully as was normal, she had been experiencing some pain in one of her bottom teeth. Afterwards, she took a shower with her Suave blueberry body wash and went to her room, closing the door behind her. She didn’t wash her face because she had eczema problems and she didn’t want to risk any rashes. In her room Natasja bent down over her bed with her hands clasped together. Thanking Jesus for everything he’d done for her that day, Natasja prayed he would continue to bless and guide and protect her family. Natasja prayed for Jamaica, for those without the basic necessities and especially those without a loved one. Getting up Natasja turned on her fan on medium, turned off the lights and wrapped up in the cover sheet. She slept. In dream world Natasja saw herself as a lawyer. She was successful; people liked her for who she was even though she was a little bitchy at times. A handsome guy with lovely eyes - they looked gentle and intriguing, a confident attitude, romantic and kind spirited, was head over heels in-love with her. They traveled together, he was successful and all that. They had a lovely home, lots of close friends, and three children and yet they were still young. It was the perfect, ultimate dream in Natasja’s opinion and she slept with a smile softening her face. The next day, her foster father woke her up at five o’clock in the morning to get ready for school. Stretching her arms and legs in different directions and yawning, Natasja kicked and wiggled out of the sheets. Rolling out of bed she almost rolled her fan, which was beside

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo her bed, over. Taking off her nightcap she threw it on her dresser and walked disoriented out of her bedroom door that was half filled with the iron board that Mrs. Sinclair was using. Her room was a danger zone with a lot of obstacles to pass before you were able to get out. Natasja got ready for another day of school at Broderick Academy. She brushed her teeth, ate two Kellogg’s chocolate chips waffles, scrambled eggs and an orange, laid down while Natalie, her foster sister, took a quick bath and etc. Natasja’s daily routine was long and tiring. She left the house at seven o’clock. The sun blazed like an old time stove and sadly, Natasja was the coal. Cupping her face with her hands, she gazed at mountains that always seemed to be there, not matter her destination. That was one of the best things about Jamaica, the mountains. It seemed like they,she and her foster dad , were late because the traffic reached as far as the entrance of her community. By the time Natasja reached the toll way, she was in a trance, not awake but not asleep. “Tahj, lie down on the seat if you want to sleep.” Following commands as was her usual, she slept the rest of the journey through. Mr. Sinclair called her name repeatedly to wake her up but he needn’t have bothered. The roads leading to Natasja’s school, to say the least, were cowboy tracks. The car had jumped, dipped, swung and everything in-between. Packing her bag, she jumped out of the car in the parking lot at the front of Broderick. After saying her goodbyes and telling him when to pick her up, Natasja walked to class. Broderick looked like an acceptable school if she just looked at the view from here but behind every picture was the ugly reality. When she passed the teachers parking lot, the truth was revealed. Pebbles, the area at the front of the school with benches used as the waiting area, had become a dust bowl with the migration of its rounded partners to the garbage bin.. Hellshire or Arawak Village, a name also given to a waiting area by its occupants, had litter inbetween its tables and on the ground. In the classrooms, well, the place couldn’t have looked worse if a bomb had just exploded inside it. As Natasja entered her class she was welcomed by the usual sounds of gossiping girls, and music playing. Tatiana and her group of snobs were at the teacher’s table singing some of the latest songs, in the worst possible tones Natasja had ever heard. Jessica and her bigger group were talking about clothes, guys and whatever else that interested them. They were the smart ones, so Natasja didn’t mind them, too much. Xing-Fu was acting like a homo as usual by doing everything a straight guy was never supposed to do. The unbelievable thing was that he was an utter and complete lady’s man and even her heart fluttered sometimes. Putting down her bag on her desk, Natasja greeted Zhane and Rebecca and went to her locker to check her timetable. It was

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Tuesday; so, she had Form-time, French, Science and then Geo. French was the only up side to all of the other crappy sessions. Natasja loved languages; it was music to her ears. Taking out the required books as carefully as possible without causing a minor avalanche, she then quickly shut her locker door. Natasja went back to her seat and read Skinned, a book she had borrowed from Zhane. In Form-time, Mr. Quotes was giving the class valuable life advice. It was so interesting that most of the class magically disappeared before the start of the session and others just ignored the lesson completely to do anything else but listen. Natasja listened partially while she continued reading the novel; it was futuristic but sort of interesting. When the class ended, the remainder of the class magically reappeared to get their things for the next class, French/Technical Drawing. Natasja’s class had thirty nine students and she was use to the boisterous chaos which was a usual occurrence in her class but French was mellow with less than twenty students. It was calm, organized and totally boring but it was French, so she dealt with it. Natasja would live with anything once it helped her learn more languages; it was her heart and soul. After two very tiresome sessions of Geography and Science, Natasja took her mp4, because she couldn’t afford anything better, and her Geo notebook to the library. Playing Trey Songz Wonder Woman, she went into the book section and took out a Geo book that looked useful enough. Opening it, Natasja scanned through the table of contents looking for Earthquakes. Finding it she turned to the specified page and read the chapter repeatedly, making notes occasionally. Hearing the bell, Natasja replaced the book on the shelf and took her belongings and went back to class. Mathematics and History were next and she needed to be on time or she would be kicked out. Trotting her way to class, Natasja prayed silently for Mr. Raymond to be late. By the time she reached the class, she was thoroughly wiped of all her breath. Happily, sir wasn’t there yet and the class was still a sufficiently noisy hellhole; she was at peace. Moving through the maze of desks scattered around the class, Natasja took her books out of her locker and headed back to her desk. Sitting down in her chair and beckoning to Rebecca, Mr. Raymond made his presence known at the back of the class. “Pick up the litter off the ground, you are not in kindergarten.” Everyone stood up; hiding all the music devices that they had previously been listening to. Popping a gum into her mouth, before her teacher could see it, Natasja bent down to remove the old gum from her mouth and then carry it to the garbage. Math was hell, but satisfying and she really liked it, so she tried to concentrate on being focused and decent.

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Mr. Raymond was a dark skinned, middle aged man with a shiny head and stuffy in build. He wore a faded-out sky blue bush jacket with a black cheap pants and black shoes. His teeth were horrific and somehow Natasja always seemed to pray she would never have such teeth, ever. He also had a bulbous nose but Natasja had seen much worse. He was funny and nice but a strict teacher with his own views on everything. We did Quadratic equations in class that day. Mr. Raymond began the lesson with factorization and gradually went into ‘the meat of the matter’ as he affectionately called it. It was an easy topic. Natasja had already done it in extras last term at school but she didn’t show off her prowess. The class was only thirty-five minutes and she was sad when it had ended. At the end of class he told us something that made Natasja feel like something was breaking inside her. He was saying who had actual talent in Mathematics. I knew that for the boys Sheldon had to be included, his benchmark was one hundred percent. For the girls Natasja had a tiny flicker of hope that he would say her name but no, her name hadn’t been called. It really shouldn’t have hurt; it was not like she had tried all along. She‘d only started to try that very year but she had tried hard, worked hard. Somehow the 95 percent didn’t matter to her anymore, she just needed to hear she was good and no one said it. For the rest of the day, Natasja was caught up in her own selfmisery. Trying to get herself under control, she promised herself she would not care what anyone said or thought. It was her life and she hated feeling wretched emotions. She was tired of trying and not feeling like it counted. She had thought that passing would have been all she needed but it seemed it was not. Heading to chess club, she thought of all the lovely things in the world and it helped to smooth the ragged edges of her nerves. Chess was not her strong suit and she had never won but this time she tried, and tried still harder and harder and that seemed to make the difference. She won the game, it took two hours but she had won. Smiling happily at her opponent, who so happened to be her classmate Ramon, a half Chinese, half black genius with a gentle personality, Natasja left. The next day, Natasja got ready with a smile on her face. She had forgotten to write in her diary the day before so she wrote it in the car. Yesterday evening at home, she had done three sets of ten pullups and jogged around the community. From now on, she was Natasja Nicosia Cassia and no one had the right to call her anything else. At school, the first thing she did was go to the office to change her records. Natasja removed Sinclair completely from her name; she was a Cassia and nobody else. Afterwards she went to class where she

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo changed her name again on the cleaning roster. She had duty on Thursday. She would not change herself because of circumstances; she would always be Natasja, the daughter of a prostitute, druggie, a tattoo junkie and suicidal mother and a father who abandoned her when she was nine years old. That was her history and everybody had better believe it. Natasja didn’t bother to read anything in class, there were so many things she could be doing. Heading to her locker she cleaned it thoroughly, messiness was no longer her style. When she was finished she headed next door to talk to Brenda and her crew. Brenda was cool. She had a sweet personality; she was quiet, tom boyish, smart, and nerdish without the glasses and didn’t care how she looked. She had long fuzzy brown hair that reached somewhere in her back naturally but she’d cut and straightened it for picture day to shoulder length. She was seriously beautiful. It was the best Brenda had ever done to hair since she’d met her in prep school 11 years ago. “Bre, how is Edward?” Brenda was reading Twilight like everyone else. Natasja had read the first book and fallen in love with Edward, the vampire. Taylor turned around, “Hi Tahj, Cullen is still hot but it seems he is going to marry Bella.” Natasja replied theatrically, “No, he is my heart, my soul; I don’t know how he could betray me, so.” A tear slid down her face with the dramatic response. Brenda, Taylor and Kasha laughed, “Whatever, why don’t you read the second book?” That was Brenda; she always seemed to want Natasja to read. “I told you already, I am gonna watch the movie.” Natasja popped a gum into her mouth. Taylor was writing something in Chinese. Taylor was Asian with long black hair that was ramrod straight. It was currently cut to a little below shoulder length. Long hair in Jamaica was totally wrong; everyone with long hair knew that. Naturally long hair that is, people with extensions were just being boring. Taylor was short and slim with a sweet voice. She was kind and extremely smart; she was always first in her class. “What are you writing now, Tai Tai?” Taylor looked up at Natasja momentarily and then looked back at her work. “I am writing hello hao,” she said pointing out the symbols to Natasja. “What is that symbol over there, the one that looks like an S with a stick in it?” They talked until the bell rang and I went to my class. Chinese might not have as many grammar irregularities as European languages but there was too much drawing. Fourth form was harsh; Natasja’s history teacher Ms. Falcon was stressing the importance of the SBA’s. ‘You absolutely needed them to do CXCs’ was her constant reminder, even though we didn’t have to write SBA’s until next term. She didn’t teach; it was our job to study. Natasja soon realized that the teachers weren’t teaching anything,

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo they weren’t even enforcing the rules, all they said was, “We are just waiting, observing and waiting. Don’t mind me?” It was cryptic, it was weird and normally Natasja would have looked into it but she had changed. Natasja studied, she would not risk failing any subject but she slacked off, became looser. She didn’t pay attention in class, always talking to Tatiana about the latest songs. They weren’t exactly friends since they’d only started talking about a week ago. They had a lot of things in common and both of them had a major crush on Trey Songz. Tatiana cheated off Natasja’s work sometimes but who actually cared. She was talking less and less to Zhane but she tried to stay friends with Rebecca. “Becca, you watched Mall Cop?” That was the only thing that popped up in Natasja’s mind. Everyone knew that she was changing but hopefully she didn’t have to lose Becca, she was nice and so naïve. Rebecca didn’t reply; she just ignored her. Rolling her eyes, Natasja stopped talking to her and just hung out with Tatiana’s and Brenda’s crews. Leaving class at first break, alone, she decided to go to the library to read something. While passing the seating area in front of the field she was stopped by a guy stepping out in front of her. Looking up at the guy, Natasja thought she should run. He looked like a bad guy, maybe a criminal. Gulping down to clear her throat she licked her lips. Natasja made an attempt to side step him. He blocked her. Trying again he blocked her. Letting out a frustrated breath, she looked up at him. “Glad to have your attention.” His voice was low, deep, resonating through Natasja’s mind. Licking her lips again but this time for a totally different reason, he was good-looking. He was smiling slightly and it brought a light to his face. He was tall, maybe six feet with broad shoulders behind the white shirt. He had golden brown skin, a light mustache, thick lips, a straight nose, and a thin scar under his bottom lip. His teeth were sparkling white and it contrasted with his golden skin. His eyes were black fathomless depths that pulled Natasja in. “Why do you want my attention?” Natasja barely opened her mouth as she gave her comment. He was in sixth form that was obvious. He was wearing a crisp white shirt with a Gelding badge pinned on to the pocket; that meant he was in purple house. The smile remained on his face as he drew her over to a seat. They sat and he replied, “I am Sean Bennett, what is your name?” Ignoring the last part Natasja asked instead, “What do you want?” After that everything became a focused blur. Natasja heard his reply, understood its meaning but it just didn’t hit home. “Do you want to be my Valentine?” Her brain stuttered to form an answer, “You don’t even know my name.” He grinned, “I already asked, you didn’t reply.

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Do you want to enlighten me now?” She knew she was playing with fire, she would be an ignorant fool not to know, but she couldn’t help it; she was like a moth to a flame. Sean was too enticing, “Just like in the fairy tale, you figure out my name, your wish is my command.” Standing up to leave, he pulled on my arm and I almost fell into his lap but instead fell back on the seat. He leaned over and asked playfully, “What fairy tale would that be, princess?” Natasja smiled wickedly, “The name eludes me and by the way, I am no princess.” She saw the gleam that appeared in his eyes and felt like a millionaire. Walking away, a permanent smile illuminated her face. In the library, she found that she couldn’t read the German book in front of her and instead wrote about the day so far. It was a most fabulous day with the exception of Rebecca but hopefully she would soon forget her. The following days were great. She actually listened in class, asking questions, making jokes and just being happy. Her classmates hesitated with talking to her but they soon all talked to her. It was extremely fun, Sean would probably forget her but he made her feel nice. Natasja didn’t even remember to look at Rebecca or Zhane. She hanged with her peeps and they hanged with theirs. Senorita Martinez was absent and everyone was happy, they could do whatever they wanted for their free session. They all wanted to leave but some lady with ancient hair and bags of skin supervised class. When the bell chimed everyone was too happy to ditch her. Natasja rushed out the door and was caught by a restraining arm. Looking up at the owner of such a warm, muscular arm she met dark amusing eyes. Rolling her eyes, she stepped back. “Aren’t you in a mighty rush Tasjna?” Smiling with triumph, Natasja walked away in the opposite direction, he remembered her. Catching up with her, Sean looked perplexed, “Why are you walking away?” Natasja bent her head sideways at an angle looking up at Sean. “You missed, what else is there to say?” “I didn’t miss, princess, it was your mother’s name. You name is Natasja. It is a sexy name.” Smiling slightly Natasja replied, “So, I guess you want one wish?” She didn’t mention that her mother was gone, after all, who really cared? He smiled, “Yeah, you want to have lunch?” Natasja thought about it, long lunch lines, crowded canteens or an empty library with peace and quiet. “Sorry, I don’t eat at first break, reign check though.” His expression didn’t change as he thought something out. She wished she knew what he was thinking. “I don’t mind, come on, you can watch me eat.” Rolling her eyes, she followed him to the back entrance of the auditorium that hardly anyone used. He sat down on the steps where no one could see him because of the cement railing. He took a

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo sandwich and orange juice out of his blue Jan sport knapsack. Natasja couldn’t help but stare at his lips as he chewed; which was so wrong. Picking up his orange juice without his permission she used it to swallow her bubble gum. “Don’t finish it.” Natasja didn’t even blink at that remark, she hated following orders. Sadly, she didn’t really like orange juice and placed it by his side. Popping a new gum in her mouth she took Sean’s phone from his bag and attached the headset. Plugging it into her ears as she closed her eyes; she tuned out reality. She listened to Snoop Dogg’s Sensual Seduction even though it was old. Natasja opened her eye as she felt Sean’s hands on the sides of her face. He took the earpieces out of her ears and back into his bag with his phone. “You really should ask before you take something.” He said with a gleam in his eyes. Natasja couldn’t decipher his mood so answered playfully, “I should, shouldn’t I?” He pushed her to the ground as he took her lips in his. The kiss was hard and brutal and thrilling and then the pressure lessened and it was sweet torture. That was the beginning of a Natasja, the third edition.

Freak of Nature It is time you opened your eyes, and see the seeds you have sown come to life. Chapter 2 A month was a long time, Natasja realized. It was enough time for her to lose her identity, to lose who she really was. Her grades had fallen badly, her friends were no longer very friendly and who could blame them. She needed to dump Sean, dump him while she had something, and dump him before it was too late. She had just gotten her mid-term report from the Fourth Form Supervisor and hers came with a letter. Opening the report, Natasja nearly screamed hysterically from utter disbelief. She had a Passing average which meant that she had a sixty average. Sitting down in her seat, she looked at her grades, she was flunking French the most with a 34% average, the rest weren’t much better. She had one high grade, a seventy in Geography. It seemed her effort earlier was the only thing keeping her in the school. Natasja went to the bathroom to read the letter. The principal signed it, how sweet. It wrote that if Natasja wished to remain at 10

Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Broderick she would need to do an exam on everything from first to fourth form, if she failed, she would be kicked out. The exam would be in two weeks. Crying softly, she wondered what to do next. Natasja tried to think of a way to avoid Sean. The best she could do was fake an illness. Going to the nurse, she lied about having a running belly. She blamed it on eating too much cereal when she was allergic to it. The nurse bought it and Natasja was dismissed for the day. Giving the note to her form supervisor she went to the library, in the reading section so that she could bide her time until Mr. Sinclair came. She had 5 hours to go, school ended at 3 o’clock. Reading a book about Ireland, she lost track of time. Natasja soon fell asleep dreaming about the magic of the Mystic Isle. A soft tap on the shoulder announced that she wasn’t alone along with waking her up. Turning her sleepy head to look at the person who had disturbed her, she saw Joshua. Closing her eyes and counting to ten she opened her eyes to still see Sean’s friend sitting beside her. “What are you doing here?” spat Natasja in a sluggish; sleep ridden voice. Joshua directed her eyes to the table where a book was opened before him. “How long have you been here?” He seemed to consider the question thoughtfully. He looked at her as though it were a stupid question and then answered, “I have been here for 4 years, and I came in second form. Didn’t Sean tell you?” Royally annoyed; Natasja rephrased the question after blundering, “You transferred? Um, I meant, how long have you been sitting there?” Joshua shrugged in a nonchalant fashion. “Don’t look like that, you are freaking me out.” He said seriously as Natasja’s eyes glowered at him. “Sean doesn’t know I am in here, does he?” Natasja seriously did not want to be anywhere close to him right now or anyone else for that matter. Joshua didn’t reply, he was looking at her strangely now and she didn’t like it. “Will you leave, please?” It was not a question, she wanted him gone, right that instant. He ignored her. “What happened to you?” he asked instead. Somehow she knew he wasn’t asking about today but she didn’t know precisely when. “What are you talking about?” Natasja looked down at the Ireland book as though she was reading it but she was just avoiding his gaze. “Why did you have to date Sean, you were okay before him, weren’t you?” She looked up then to see pain flickering in his eyes. Tears blurred her vision but she didn’t let them fall, she was not weak. “I liked him, I wanted him, I tried to keep him.” Partial lie, who cared? She hadn’t liked the dude, she had liked how he made her feel, awesome. Joshua’s eyes were filled with disgust and Natasja felt a thousand times worse. Her friends had cursed her, her parents had cursed her and even her teachers had cursed her but she’d just blocked them out. Why couldn’t she do the same with Joshua? “He kept you, are you that

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo foolish? I bet you didn’t know him before he talked to you. You were just being an idle idiot when you gave the nigga the time of day.” There was no gentleness in Joshua’s demeanor; he was rock solid, firm in his opinion, and firm in his judgment. The tears escaped and she tried to hide them by bending her head. He wouldn’t stop, “You didn’t know the first thing about the guy but you let him walk all over you. You should know better than that. I seriously thought you had brains, you seemed smart to me but I guess I was wrong. You’re gonna realize the guy is bad news, I just hope it is before he ruins you.” The tears fell in the masses. Joshua stood up and was about to leave, and Natasja tried to tell herself that it was good. Let him believe the worse, it didn’t matter. She didn’t know why she said it but… “He already did.” The statement was low, whisper soft, maybe he didn’t hear but he stopped and he turned, looking directly at her. “What did you say?” he asked slowly. Natasja moistened her lips and looked up at him. Through clenched teeth she repeated the statement. He bent over the table, “What do you mean by that?” She threw the report and letter at him. “You were right but just a little too late.” Joshua read the letter first and looked, disbelievingly back at her. Natasja smiled and indicated for him to go on. The smile was fake, her life was about to crumble and she did not have the will power to want to fix it. He scanned the report, “I thought Sean said something about you being the best at languages.” She pursed her lip, wondering how to reply to that, “Let me just say that things change and sometimes, not for the best.” Sitting back down on the seat he’d not long ago vacated he said, “You have to do well on the exams, Natasja” Rolling her eyes, she popped a gum in her mouth, “I don’t follow orders very well, I don’t have to do anything.” Joshua didn’t even dignify the remark with an answer; he just continued as though she had not spoken a word, “You also have to dump Sean, he can only destroy you.” “I don’t understand, I thought you and Sean were best of buddies. What, is he cheating on me with one of your girlfriends? What? Why are you suddenly helping me?” Joshua didn’t back off and walk away like Natasja had thought he would; hoped he would. He stayed, thoughtful for a second, pain, anger and something else lurking in his eyes, all trying to break his barriers. “Shut up and listen to me, Sean is bad news; he is not the kind of guy you need, especially not now!” “Are you saying that I need you? If I remember correctly, I did no ask you for anything. I actually want you to leave me the hell alone so that I can deal with this, myself.” Standing up once again in a swift movement, Natasja didn’t register that he was coming towards her.

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo “The guy is a criminal, a druggie, a thief and a lot more. Tahj, I am begging you to listen. Please listen, don’t be foolish.” Natasja saw Joshua in that moment. Before, Natasja had just noticed him, thought of him as Sean friend and now her tormentor. When he begged her, she heard the crack in his voice, the taut lines that formed on his face and the worry and pain in his eyes. That pain broke down all her barriers and she just felt to hug him but barely restrained herself. Trying to think of a diplomatic way of asking him, she just burst out, “What did Sean do to you?” Joshua stepped back as though the remark burned. His jaw twitched but he remained silent. The minutes ticked by with neither of them moving. “I worked with him, we used to steal together. I just did minor things, like stealing from people around school and stuff. “He did much more, he stole, he deceived, he…” Natasja saw that he couldn’t say it and didn’t push him, instead she said, “I am going to dump him, I am just wandering if you’ll help me to study for this test when I am done.” She pointed to the letter he’d thrown down on the paper. They talked the rest of the school day through, studied, Joshua went back to class occasionally and they had fun. Natasja needed to get all the notes she was missing but in the meantime she studied directly from textbooks. Joshua quizzed her randomly, asking her questions she couldn’t even begin to comprehend and by the end of the day her mood was restored. They parted company at three o’clock when the bell rang for the end of school. In the car ride to Mrs. Sinclair’s work place, Natasha felt frozen, unable to express what she needed to say. Breathing was extremely hard so she focused on that instead. The harder she focused the more ragged her breathing became until she couldn’t take it anymore. “I failed mid-term; I have to take a test to see if I will remain at Broderick.” There, everything was out but her breathing was still irregular. There was an awkward silence as Mr. Sinclair thought of a way to proceed. Natalie was at Blake-Golding High doing volleyball. The school hardly ever won a sports competition but they were smart, just like Broderick. Throwing away her old gum, Natasja popped another one in her mouth. She combed her hand through her braids as she thought of what to do. Taking out her diary out of her bag, she wrote how the day had gone so far. “This is why I am hot, this is why I am hot, this is why, this is why ….” Natasja cell phone began to ring Mim’s song ‘This is Why I’m Hot’. Checking the caller ID, Natasja picked it up. “Natsy bear, where are you?” Recoiling at the deep tone, Natasja clenched her teeth, “I am on my way to my mom’s place, see you when I see you.” There was a

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo pause over the phone line, where Natasja wondered what the hell she was thinking; she was still his girlfriend. “I think you mean, see you tomorrow, actually tonight; I’ll pick you up at your house.” With that, the phone line went dead. Gulping down her gum without thought, she almost choked. Coughing and coughing the gum finally came back up; with blood. Natasja tried to ignore the warning that the blood indicated, she would meet Sean one last time and finally break free of his restraining arms. Throwing the gum away with the rest of the pack, she listened to her Mp4 as it played My Immortal. At home, Natasja called Jessica to get her missing assignments. “Jess? This feels really awkward but I am trying here. I need to get my head back in the game. Can you help me?” Jessica went off on a tirade about how she was not going to cheat and all that. Coughing gently into the phone, Natasja rephrased, “Jess, I am not the cheating type; I just need to know what the homework was and if I could copy your notes. I really need them-” The phone fell to the ground as Natasja saw Sean at her window. He used to do it all the time before; but now, it seemed wrong. “Aren’t you a little bit early?” Normally, he came at around ten o’clock when my foster parents were getting ready for bed or already dead to the world. It was only seven o’clock. “Natsy bear, I haven’t seen you all day, let’s go to the movies.” Thinking it over in her head, she edged, “What about dinner somewhere instead?” His smile was dangerously sexy and Natasja had to mentally go over her report to keep her breathing steady. “Sure, we can go to burger king, down the road.” Comfortable with that plan, she picked up the receiver and put it on the hook since Jessica had hung up. In the car, Natasja didn’t know how to feel or what to say. She was deathly angry at him for practically destroying her academically and being the reason she’d changed but there was another part of her that was still entranced by him, still attracted to him; it was awkward. Fidgeting because she had nothing better to do, like chewing a gum, she opened random compartments. She didn’t actually look at the things inside, though. “Want to tell me what is on you mind, Natsy bear?” His deep, low voice was nearly her undoing but the endearment hardened her. Natasja absolutely hated the endearment; she’d always wondered why he didn’t call her something sexy or flattering. “I want us to break up.” The statement was softly spoken but loud enough for him to hear. Natasja looked across at him, he looked dark, intriguing, sexy but more to the point, lethal. His face was hard; she knew he’d heard her, the facial expression proved it. Looking outside, Natasja realized he’d made a wrong turn. On television, it was always a bad sign. They were

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo headed Hellshire way. The place was dark out already since winter hadn’t deigned to give spring a chance to brighten the place. Sitting down composedly, Natasja didn’t point out that they were headed in the wrong direction; Sean knew. This journey had to end somewhere and she would wait for it. The car was deathly quiet; no music was playing, and no talking to ease it. Sean made another turn, Natasja realized he was not going to Hellshire, she didn’t know where they were going. It was a dead end, the road was blocked. The car braked up smoothly, he had known. “So, let us talk a bit.” He motioned for her to go to the back. “I rather like the front, it is cozy.” Sean remained motionless; the words flowing out of his lovely lips were the only sign that indicated that he wasn’t a statue. Clenching her teeth, she tried to pick up on what he was feeling, thinking; anything. He didn’t give anything away; his hands were still on the wheel of the car. When he finally spoke, Natasja jumped; she didn’t think he would start. “Why do you want us to break up, I thought we were cool?” His tone was disinterested, as though he had better things to do; it ignited her anger. He could at least sound a little bit worried at losing her, “I realized that, I need to focus on school right now, not be all ‘cosy’.” His facial expression never faltered. “Whatever, we are going to go out ‘til I say we are going to stop, okay?” Natasja’s cool expression turned disgusted, it was the wrong move; she had insulted him. His voice was barely audible when he hissed, “Get in the back, Tash.” It was a command, not a question, not a plea and therefore ignored. “My name is not Tash, it is Natasja and I hate the name Natsy bear.” Venom dripped from her voice, she would not take any crap, anymore. Sean’s hand whipped out, lashing her face, in a firm thrust. Natasja could feel the burning pain in her jaw and the dizziness that momentarily engulfed her but remained still. Licking her lips she asked casually, “I see that you don’t mind beating women. Could I leave, now?” Inside Natasja wanted to scream, she wanted to cry and she wanted to beg Sean to be the person she’d come to like. Sean snarled disgustedly, “IF you can get to your home before I rape you, I’ll happily leave you.” Natasja froze, she couldn’t have heard right. “You are not serious, you are not a rapist. You might be a thief, a liar and a lot of other things but not that.” Before Natasja could blink, a knife sliced across her arm. “For that, you better hope you survive to reach your home.” Natasja flung the door open but Sean had caught her arm. He punched her, square in the eye. Gritting her teeth Natasja kicked at him. Her eyes were on fire, her arm was torn and her jaw was burning. Sean used his arms to hold her down as he sliced her shirt open. Natasja knew he wasn’t going to rape her, no, he was going to torture her. Turning her head to him, she spat at him.

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Kicking, and swinging, Natasja bit him, clawed him and aimed punches all over Sean’s body. He didn’t budge. He aimed for her leg but the knife tore through the seat. Dragging the knife out, Natasja stabbed him as hard as possible in his chest. It landed, but not very deep. He kicked her in the belly, knocking the air out of her. He reached for a thick rope in one of the compartments and tied Natasja hands together tightly. The rope was long and he used the tail end to drag her out of the car after he opened the door on his side. Outside in the cool night breeze, Natasja felt tears of pain streaking down her face. Sean was dragging her on her belly through the dirt and bush. He stopped right in front of a small gully surrounded by bush. Thinking he would let her stay there to bleed to death, he aimed another stab in her belly with the knife that had stabbed him. Natasja felt the knife tearing through her flesh. She was going to die, she was going to die. Thinking of death and all the things she would lose, not including possessions but people, she fought. Kicking and screaming, she felt one of Sean’s legs pressing down on her neck. Wiggling, Natasja continued screaming, hoping someone would hear. It was in vain though, no houses were nearby. Escaping his legs, she rolled; a plan had formed in her mind. Rolling into Sean’s path, she felt him kick her but continued. She would survive the bastard; she would die when she was darn well good and ready. Rolling and rolling, her plan finally came into action, Sean tripped. Standing up quickly, Natasja kicked and kicked until, Sean fell into the gully. Running to the car was pure agony but when she reached, she didn’t bother closing doors excepting hers. She closed her side door and started the engine; Sean was running out of the gully. The guy was a freak of nature and Natasja had the urge to just reverse and run him over but sped away instead. She didn’t go home; she went straight to the children’s clinic not too far from Burger King. She felt dizzy, her head was spinning, her breathing was ragged and she knew she didn’t have much time. She slowed but didn’t stop until she reached the bottom of the steps, jumping out of the car when she reached the clinic doors. Going inside, the receptionist screamed when she saw Natasja. Others followed in the receptionists lead as they saw her, some fainted. Natasja didn’t care, she needed help and fast. “Please, someone- hospital-carry me- I’m begging.” The words were Natasja’s last, as she fell to the ground, unconscious.

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo

Wake up, Shut up, Start over When life gives you options, make a choice worth a lifetime Chapter 3 Natasja felt numb, as though she couldn’t move; she was stationary. She couldn’t open her eyes; it was as though they were super glued shut. She couldn’t feel if she had hands, legs, anything. She was on something soft and firm, she was faced upwards, the room smelt of disinfectant, the room had no Air condition or they were being cheap; that is all she knew. “Is she going to be okay?” It was a masculine voice. The person sounded worried, anxious, exhausted and oddly enough, the voice wasn’t familiar. It was deep but not very, maybe it was a teenager. Natasja didn’t have a clue where the hell she was but it was most likely a hospital; big whoop. Questions raced through her mind. She felt pain somewhere but it was dull, hardly there. “She is in a coma; we can’t tell how severe her injuries are.” The voice was muffled but distinctly placating; it was a doctor. “Do you want to see her?” There was no response; at least none that she’d heard. That is how it went for a while. Natasja didn’t know how many days precisely but she always heard that one voice. The voice that she didn’t know, was always there; always trying to comfort her. Days, weeks, eternity and back; they all came and they all left. Sometimes Natasja would block out, sink deeper into the coma but other times she listened; hearing but not being able to talk back. The Voice was her only visitor, she always heard him, but could never guess who he was. For all Natasja knew, he might be a stranger but a welcome stranger. He read her stories sometimes, which made her feel like a little kid again, sometimes he talked about nothing and yet everything. Natasja soon began to wonder if she would ever wake up from the coma, if she would hear another person’s voice; which didn’t include the doctors. The doctors chatter was like a dog’s barking, she couldn’t decipher it, couldn’t comprehend it. That was when she heard voices outside her door. The voices were like music, beautiful, enchanting, bewitching music and Natasja almost fell asleep. The door burst open; the voices became louder and more distinct. “Thank you, Jesus, thank you Mr. Green, thank you doctor; Natasja, are you okay?” It was Mrs. Sinclair’s voice, Natasja was surprised. She sounded as though she finally gotten a sip of water after a long drought, as though she cared. “Ma’am, your daughter is in a coma.” Natasja felt tears drop on her arm, her good arm. She wanted to say something but she couldn’t; her lips were a dead weight.

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo “Can she hear me?” Normally, Natasja would have made a sarcastic remark about being right their but it was a reasonable question. Smooth, soft arms brushed her cheek. It felt nice, soothing, just like their voices. Natasja heard a voice in her head wondering how come her parents hadn’t come before. She ignored it, that night or day, she fell asleep contented. A week later, when Natasja woke up, her eyes actually opened; she could see. Looking around she took in everything. The walls were white, the room was basically impersonal and life was great. No one was in her room though; it was empty apart from the beeping machine beside her and that brought her good mood to an abrupt halt. Looking down at herself, she saw that her hand had two scars, indicating where she had been stabbed. She felt her face but was not sure if any marks were there. Feeling her belly, there was a cast there. Lifting body parts randomly, she was happy to see that they worked just fine. It was hard to believe that she had thought she would die; it seemed sort of inconceivable. Later in the day, doctors and nurses alike checked on her, none seemed like they cared that she was finally awake. It was really depressing and to make matters worse, she had absolutely nothing to do. Clock watching was the only thing she found remotely interesting, the hands of the clock moved; how exciting. At 4:39:23-5 in the evening, her family came. “Hey mom, dad, Natalie; It is great to see you!” Over the top as it may be, Natasja was extremely happy to see them, clock watching was a very dreary job. “Tahj, are you okay? You seem happy to see us?” Natalie said this mockingly; she stood the furthest away. Natasja just rolled her eyes; she really did love her sister but really. “Do you have any sticks?” Mrs. Sinclair looked shocked, Mr. Sinclair disbelieving and Natalie was laughing as she gave a bubble gum stick to her sister. “How did you survive without your gum?” Natasja drew her sister in for a hug and kissed both her cheeks. Natalie didn’t pull away, “I think that they should check your head, Tahj, what happened to you?” Her sister hated cuddly scenes but she seemed like she was in a special mood; Natasja wasn’t going to push it. Natasja and her family talked about the edited version of the accident. She never mentioned Sean’s name. Her parents talked about how they found out where she was. Natasja learnt from Natalie that she was being given extra time but it came with the penalty of having to learn up to the 5th form curriculum. Natasja had until the 27th of May to do the exam. They revealed that by the end of the week, Natasja could leave. Natasja didn’t admit how terrible the accident had been and how she feared going back to school; she could not do it. Natasja tried to breathe properly. She could do this, she could do this; it was a mantra. She hadn’t chewed another gum since that day in

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo the hospital. Everything would be okay; she would survive. She tried thinking positively but memories kept flitting through; gruesome memories. Natasja chewed on her pinkie, trying to calm down. By the time she reached school, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to stay, after all. Everything was the same, the place still looked like a picture at first but this time some of her classmates were in it. They ran to her and hugged her, asking a million questions that she didn’t get a chance to answer. “Hey guys, why are you hugging me?” Natasja was breathless and her rib was hurting a lot. Jamie, the silent and overfriendly guy in her class mewled. It was weird to the max but she and the entire class were used to it. “Hey Jamie, did you miss me?” He was like a puppy, always happy and content and almost always making animalistic noises. Natasja was freaked out by him a little and tried to always keep him talking to Rebecca and Ana-belle. They all walked back to class, talking about everyday things that had no serious significance; like Jaseline putting Damien’s watch in her panties for an entire session and all that. No one asked how she got injured; it was forbidden fruit. The walk up to the class was longer than ever before, her class was fairly swarming her; not letting her escape. That is how it went for the entire week; she didn’t get a chance to see if Sean was around or talk to anyone. By the end of the week Natasja was tired and seriously worn out but at least her class seemed to be cooling down on the swarming thing now. Heading out for first break, she quickly went to the library with Jessica on her heels; Geography notes in tow. Sitting down in the reading part of the library, Jessica gave a brief overview of all the topics starting from two months ago. The overview took about ten minutes and then Jessica was gone to hang out with her crew at the other end of the school at Arawak village. There were four topics done, each taking up about twelve pages. Focusing on the task ahead, she wrote down the notes. That was where Joshua found her about five minutes later. The words were seriously becoming blurry in front of her eyes and all she wanted to do was sleep. Staying awake by sheer determination, she didn’t see him standing by the bookshelf behind her looking at her. “I see that you are back.” It was not what he wanted to say; the meaning wasn’t even literal. It was like reading an unknown language and you had to read in-between the lines. Natasja was not in the mood to stress any of her brain cells. “I am, thanks for the observation.” Rolling his eyes, not that she could see, he sat down in the chair opposite her. The silence ran its natural course, as they both got lost in their own world. “What happened to you Natasja? Did you just lead me on,

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo knowing full well that you were going to run away?” His voice was low, concealing all his true emotions; Natasja couldn’t talk like that. “Are you a total idiot? I broke up with your friend only to find out that the guy was a bloody killer. I found out that fact by personal experience no less, I am stinking lucky not to be dead right now. You didn’t even tell me.” The memories overwhelmed her; torturing her inside, he almost killed her. Her breathing was ragged with the reminiscence of the pain, the fear, the threat facing her and the pure hatred reflected in his eyes. “Tahj, I don’t understand you, the news said that you’d run away from home only to be found in the hospital a few weeks later.” Joshua looked confused but that didn’t excuse him, he should have told her about him. “Why didn’t you tell me that Sean was that violent? Why! I almost died because I thought I could handle him, almost died because I wanted a break up.” Natasja couldn’t breathe, she felt like it was happening, like she was being stabbed and punched and stepped upon again. She couldn’t bare the memories, they were too fresh, too recent, and too terrible; her head fell unto the table, her body jerked and then she was motionless. Joshua looked aghast; he knew something was wrong. Standing up and lifting her head, he saw that she wasn’t breathing. Calling his friend Tony, who had a car, he rushed Natasja out of the library and out into the back car park where the car was. Tony wasn’t there yet, feeling totally inadequate, he tried everything in his power to keep her from dying.

Joshua couldn’t believe it; Natasja had almost died from a memory. It was ridiculous, what could possibly be so horrific that the memory could cause such disastrous effects? He shook his head; it was obvious; it was the accident that landed Natasja in the hospital the first time. He seriously couldn’t believe he was caught up in the middle of this drama; moreover he couldn’t believe the sweet girl in the bed was. Natasja was broken, the girl who had been strong, smart and so nice had made one mistake and now here she was. She was okay, her breathing had stabilized, and she didn’t need any form of machine for help; that was the only good thing. It was all Sean’s fault; it was a form of mantra. Joshua couldn’t face it, couldn’t face the truth, he was partially responsible. He should have told her about how bad Sean was but he didn’t want her to get all frightened and stuff. It was a mistake, a mistake that caused a terrible thing to happen. Joshua had read

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Natasja’s papers; she’d been stabbed all over her body, rope marks had been on her hands and her face had taken a nasty blow. The worst injuries were on her stomach where she’d been stabbed deeply, tearing part of her kidney and lung and barely missing her spine. Her hand had a nasty stab mark where it had practically been torn in two. Looking at her arms now, he saw the long line that started in the middle of her upper arm to her wrists. Jaws clenched in anger, misery and self reproach, Joshua didn’t notice that Natasja was looking at him. There was a tiny smile on her face. “You know, I want to hate you, I want to kill you and so many other bad things but at this precise moment, you remind me of this guy that was always at my side before my parents found me in hospital.” Natasja could almost hear the guy’s voice, it was sad that she hadn’t met him. Her smile faltered, she really owed the guy a lot. He’d stopped visiting after her family had found her. She sometimes wandered if the guy had told her parents where she was; it was a likely possibility. Maybe the guy was not really a person, suppose he was her guardian angel; comforting her and being there when she needed him. It was a lovely thought and one that put her smile firmly back in place. “You know Joshua, I am kind of curious, how did you get me here?” It was a loaded question, that question was the base for many more. Natasja was curious as to why he had even helped her, he could have left her in the library; granted it would be on his conscience but still. “I borrowed a friend’s car, you scared me.” His voice was low again; no emotion was revealed but she knew he had just made himself vulnerable to her. They talked a bit longer until the doctor released her. School should have been finished; it was 3:47 pm according to the watch at the dresser. Leaving the hospital with a strict warning to go to a therapist, they went back to school. When they reached and Joshua parked the car around the back entrance, Natasja hugged him tightly. “Thanks, idiot, you are seriously the worst best friend I’ve ever had.” Getting out of the car before Joshua could comment, she ran to the front. Mr. Sinclair was supposed to suppose to pick her up at 4:15 because she had Chess. Out at the front by pebbles, students from a variety of schools waited for their ride. Sitting down, Natasja took out her diary and wrote down the day’s events in great detail. She even mentioned the last words she said to Joshua. Putting up her diary she took out Jessica’s Geo book because Joshua had forgotten her book in his haste earlier. Reading up the notes anyways, Natasja tried to find ways to remember the details. She didn’t really notice when a bag fell on the seat beside her. She did

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo however notice the shadow being formed in front of her. It seemed Pebbles wasn’t safe anymore. Ignoring him Natasja tried to focus back on her studies. Unless the dumb-skull wanted to retract his bargain, she had no reason to even notice him. “Feeling better, Tahj?” She was trying to focus real hard on something about tertiary industries but the guy smelled foul. She wandered why she didn’t notice that before; most likely her nose had become blinded by the guy’s sweet talk. “Tahj, you get deaf all of a sudden, what is your deal?” Looking up with painstaking slowness, Natasja answered Sean with the dirtiest look she had. She had better things to do with her time than be around criminals. Sean backed off, taking his bag with him. She momentarily smelt his cologne and wanted to puke but the scent went away as quickly as it had come. After that day, Natasja hoped she never had to see or smell him ever again. The days after that were hectic to say the least. Joshua was making it his prime responsibility to help her study every subject she did. He even went into 12th grade work that almost made Natasja’s head explode. Jessica and quite a few others were helping her to get up to date in her schoolwork and the gossip mills. By the end of the second week of school, she wondered when the world had gotten suddenly nice. Natasja, however, didn’t have to deal with everyone being nice to her. On Friday evening, Natalie was raging mad. After reaching home, she practically dragged Natasja to her room, setting off a wild furious tantrum of complaints. Natasja couldn’t understand half the things her foster sister said. When Natalie was really angry or was trying to express a strong emotion, she would switch from English to a foreign language, like now. Natasja could decipher which language she was speaking in, German, and it really didn’t help her. From what she managed to interpret, rumors were spreading about how she’d ended up in hospital and none of them were good. It ranged from going out on a wild night round the back road; everyone knew that only strippers and people who were looking for trouble went there, to her being involved in a gang which robbed somebody at their home. It was truly madness and quite frankly Natasja ears were beginning to buzz. “Why didn’t you just play the role of a good little sister and just cover for me?” Natasja’s voice was almost at screaming level so that Natalie would hear. Natalie’s hair had shook free of their constraining bands during her tantrum and was now lying flatly against her sweatcovered neck. She swiped up her hair and retied it with her blue elastic band. “Because firstly, I am not your sister and secondly, they didn’t give me a chance.”

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Natasja felt an ache somewhere in her chest; Natalie was right, they weren’t remotely related. “So tell them that, tell them that your parents felt sorry for me and decided to keep me,” Natalie tried to interrupt but Natasja wasn’t listening, her ears felt like bees were buzzing around in them. “And it was the worst mistake your family ever made.” She stalked away to the room next door, her room, and sobbed into the pillow. What the hell was she supposed to do? Life seemed extremely complicated, she didn’t know it before but she actually kind of felt a bond with her supposed family again and then Natalie threw a blow like that. Natasja didn’t really care about school or even anything involving the outside world, she just cared about having a decent family life. Things were different a couple of month’s ago, then she was trying to fit in and all of that non-sense but now she had to decide if she could pick up the broken pieces of her life to make a solid future. Getting off the bed reluctantly and sitting down on the cold ground, she loved being on the ground; she picked up her Information Technology notes (IT) and just tried to interpret the first three chapters. Spreadsheet, the third chapter was the hardest, she couldn’t figure out the symbols and formulae. It was harsh but Natasja tried to pick and pick it apart, that always worked but this time it didn’t work too well. She understood a few concepts like adding; averaging and finding the maximum and mininum but the others just would not sink in. Tomorrow was another day, anyways; the words were beginning to join in Natasja’s mind. Putting away everything, Natasja was determined to get some normalcy into her life. Boys came and went, classes came and went but her family, friends and education would always be there. She couldn’t avoid that, so why not just live with it; stop trying to escape? Her dresser was a total mess, life was a mess but, man, every cloud had a silver lining and if there weren’t any, she’d very well create them. That is how it went from then on. She heard negative comments, she saw couples everywhere as though mocking her but seriously, she couldn’t care less; she had better things to do. She had wrote in her diary that night, writing down everything that had happened in explicit details and she came up with a motivation; she had always wanted to go to Europe so she’d learn every language under the sun and spend one year in Europe when she had enough money. It was a long shotcould she really keep the motivation going? But as long as God was leading her, she’d very well try. The library was her new home and Jessica became her new companion, she missed Zhane and Rebecca and all but she didn’t know how to face them, even though she sat next to them. It was awkward, she wanted them back as her friends but she did not know

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo what to say or do. Jessica was fun; she talked about everything and nothing. She was loud, frank, bitchy, sweet and just real. It was refreshing.

Stop Thinking, Start Doing, NOW! Ever heard the saying, think before you speak? It is crap, do something, anything, and just break free. Chapter 4 The weeks were passing by rapidly and each day seemed to be more pressuring. Her class encouraged her, it was extremely sweet, but was she worth it? Okay, stop the trash, it not that she feared inadequacy; she just didn’t know how she could do this. The cards were piled against her, could she manage to break free, get her life back on course. She had to learn up to the eleventh grade work. It was overwhelming but she would give it her best shot. Natasja was having a free session of Christian Living, her teacher, Mr. Talon, was holding day of reflection at the convent since Sister Claudette was visiting her family abroad. Day of reflection was a special day where a class would go to a convent to reflect on who they were and who they wanted to be. It was really cool, the convent was quiet with a large land space to run up and down and play games. Natasja missed it; it always relaxed her and made her see from a new perspective. Writing in her diary, as usual, her thoughts just escaped. It was funny, actually ironic, the way life worked. She had not be fond of Broderick when she’d first passed and it had shown in her grades. It gradually improved though, I became more dedicated but carelessness was my big weakness. To this very day I am careless, I carelessly walked away from a perfectly good friendship and I carelessly almost ruined my life. It is kind of sickening, first being careless in Math’s and now the carelessness had turned into an avalanche; major all consuming and no turning back. Anyways, do I want to go back? Yeah, I am in a tough spot at the moment but I had never been this close to my classmates before. Normally, her classmates were like the motorists on the road, they see you, know you exist but before you know it, you forget them. It wasn’t like that now, we still cussed each other and made fun of them but if any one of us was in trouble, then we would stick together. It was seriously comforting. I remember occasions in class when a phone would ring and a teacher or someone else as ‘high-up’ was around and the class would just start shouting and screaming and just making a ruckus. The 24

Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo teachers would say we are the worst class they know but we were kind of a family, we wouldn’t allow anything bad to happen to one another. Now, I have to learn quadratic equations, linear equations, inequalities, minerals, and physical features of the earth, natural resources, the Haitian, French, American, Russian Revolutions and Christmas Rebellion; not to mention more stressful topics. It was really chaotic but at least she had help. Joshua was like my guardian angel, he was always there in the background, ensuring that I focused. I could tell that he was worried about me and I thought it sweet. I didn’t know why he cared so much for my welfare but he did. Somehow, I have a feeling that Joshua is my gift from God. Joshua was my anchor in a turbulent sea. So far, I am still totally in the same position with Zhane and Rebecca and I really wanted that to change. Looking up, Natasja spied a glance at Rebecca and Zhane; they seemed just fine without her. They were playing a game, ABC Fast Or Slow, was her guess. I loved that game; I used to pay it all the time in preparatory school. Choosing a letter from the alphabet and then writing as quickly as possible everything under the specific heading like boys, girls, animals, places and food. The person who selected the letter told everyone when to stop and then they would check the responses and if no two or more persons had the same reply under a heading then 100 points were given, otherwise it was broken down. At the end the points would be counted up and the highest won. There was only a week until the big exam, I’ve studied so much and yet I feel I should study more. It was annoying but persons like Jessica and Joshua helped me to find good study methods that actually worked. I guess I could say the clock is now ticking, faster than usual but still speeding up. Time; it was time for Spanish class. Natasja’s classmates took out there books for the next class because they knew they couldn’t move once class began; that was how strict Senora Minot was. The unruly class that Natasja had grown to love had finally found its match. The previously untidy classroom had undergone a miracle and Natasja could actually see the floor. All the evidence of the classroom’s previous state was, however, in the garbage bin and it was quickly removed. Natasja smiled, who would have thought that it would be a Spanish teacher that frightened the daylights out of them? In eighth grade, they had had two teachers; one who wore the same mashed-up wig from the first day of School in September to march the next year and the other was from Cuba and didn’t even know English. Surprisingly, Natasja had passed that year but other students had to cheat to scrape through the term.

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo “Sacan tus cuadernos, Hola clase,” that phrase was an example of Senora Minot’s attitude; work first, chitchat later (or probably never). That was the only high point to the day, for the rest of the classes the students just idled. Natasja talked to Jessica and her friends the whole time, forgetting all her worries. Walking out of the class, laughing with Jessica, Lillian bumped into Natasja. She looked up about to apologize as she stepped back a pace, only to role her eyes in disgust. “Com on,” grabbing Zhane and Rebecca, she walked off. Shell shocked, Natasja stood stock-still. Jessica didn’t seem to notice, she was too busy talking to Ryan from the class next to theirs. Clearing her mind, Natasja tried to put things into perspective; Lillian was a stupid, skinny butted, buff tooth minx with the lousiest attitude in the entire world. That was great in theory; it didn’t really work because the lousy gyal had just walked off with her friends. Granted they didn’t talk anymore but still. Taking deep breaths, she tried to find some calm. “Hey Jess, I am going to the library, check you later.” Natasja went to the bathroom first. Scrubbing her face at the sink with her hands and water she tried to get rid of all her emotions. Sometimes, emotional clean up was not as good as physical scrub down. Tatiana was at the sink next to her looking at herself in the mirror. “What is up with you?” Looking up at her, Natasja answered, “Trying my best to get rid of some extra baggage.” Tatiana smiled; she was Indian with mid-back length, black, curly hair with caramel highlights, curvaceous and model slim with flawless skin apart from her acne filled face. She was vivacious, loud-mouthed, and always seemed to get in trouble; in all, Tatiana was everything Natasja at one point or another wanted to be but never had the guts to achieve. Tatiana looked like an Indian Barbie doll but only real and understandable, sometimes. “Cass, please,” It was exaggerated as though Natasja should know better, “I thought you realized that this won’t help you. You need to do something about your problems not erase them out of existence.” As much as Natasja wanted to be shocked, she wasn’t. When Tatiana put her mind to it, she could be observant and quite helpful; too bad she didn’t like the advice. Washing her face another time, she turned off the pipe before she left, Natasja smiled sadly at her classmate, “Thanks, Tia.” The cool breeze was refreshing; spring was finally here. Broderick looked beautiful, an opinion that many persons would not agree with. The tree leaves were blowing gently, students were scattered all about eating and talking and doing what they did best. A sea of students was lined up at the canteen door waiting to be allowed entrance.

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Natasja smiled, truly enjoying the view, she was extremely happy she did not eat a first break; it would be a living nightmare. For a bystander, it looked okay and all but to actually be part of the crowd, you would have to endure sweaty armpits, a hot and crammed canteen and long tiring waits in two lines. Second break was heaven to that torture. Spotting Joshua walking back from the canteen, she waited for him. “Josh, what’s that?” Taking his box lunch from him, Natasja examined it, “Mallah chicken, could I have some?” The Chinese food smelt so deliciously spicy, her mouth just watered. Licking her lip to hide her reaction, she looked up into his eyes. HE was smiling awkwardly. “Are you alright?” Natasja laughed and hugged him, food and all, “Yes, Josh, I thought you were going to ask me something totally different. Come on.” Natasja led him to the bench in front of the PD room where they both sat and Joshua dug into his food. The remainder, he gave to her, frowning slightly, she mock reproached, “Pig, your face is totally ruined with all of that sauce.” His reply was a wicked smile, “I am a man.” Rolling her eyes, she ate up, “I have to go to the library or Jess will absolutely murder me.” Natasja saw something in Joshua’s face that shouldn’t have been there: worry. “Um, Josh, why are looking at me like that?” Was he a psychic? Was I going to fail the test? Was my attitude now frightening? Fuzzy Balls! It was so annoying to not know what was going on. “I think, Tahj, he was looking at me?” The fear of God ran up her spines even though she didn’t know why. Why the hell did she forget? Hissing her teeth in annoyance, Natasja turned to smile sweetly at the unwelcome visitor. Lillian looked as disgusting as ever with an adorable smile on her face that made her want to puke. “Hi, Lillian, what are you doing here?” It took all of her will power not to claw the girls face out. Normally, Natasja was level headed, sweet, not quick to discriminate but somehow, from the moment she saw the gyal Lillian she just disliked her. Sure, at one point they could have been called friends, a loose term in this case but she didn’t kill her. The ghetto just ran thick in the girls’ veins. Natasja had many friends from the ghetto, part of her family was from their but damn if she could like the gyal before her. “I actually go to school here,” she quipped, “Who is your friend?” Natasja had a bad feeling in the pit of her stomach but introduced the two and you would have thought she had lit a fuse; they just began talking and you would think they would never stop. Lillian had snuggled herself between Natasja and Joshua. Hitting her head against the wall, Natasja mentally berated herself. Getting up, Natasja doubted they would miss her. She walked to the library and got herself the most boring book in the world to read,

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo the dictionary. That was how Jessica found her, pouring over a dictionary with an intense look printed upon her face. Pulling up a chair, she cleared her throat, “I actually noticed you Jess, and I am just fuming angry right now.” Always the one to pick up on juicy stories, Jessica demanded, “Spill, I know it sounds white and all but seriously, what the hell happened between the start of break and now, to get you panty hose in such a twirl?” Rolling her eyes in disbelief, which was her new habitat, Natasja couldn’t help but burst out laughing. “Jess, come on, make up some better phrases will you. Anyways, Lillian just annoyed the hell out of me by interrupting a conversation between Joshua and me. Can you believe that girl?” Jessica looked at her quizzically and that was when Natasja remembered that everyone in her stinkin’ form loved off Lillian and now Joshua would join the fan club. Cursing herself for having an enemy like Lillian, she prayed Jessica wouldn’t give her any crap about what a poor saint she was. “What are you talking about, Lily is okay. Why do you hate on her?” Reading up the definition of five words in the dictionary in front of her, she tried to retain her calm. “I don’t hate the girl; I just really don’t like her.” It was the simplest answer Natasja could give without starting an argument. It didn’t seem to be enough to mollify Jessica though, “Why don’t you like her, is it because she is better than you? Is it that she has a boyfriend that is actually great and you picked a worthless idiot?” That was enough; she didn’t even look like she realized her mistake and maybe she hadn’t. Getting up from the chair, Natasja replaced the dictionary and left the library. Why is it that I always had to make the wrong choices? What the hell was my problem; couldn’t I live without being in the spotlight? Was that why I was so hateful of Lillian, because she claimed the spotlight and not me? Shoot, why did everything have to be so complicated? I want some peace and I thought I had found it but I was wrong, peace just seemed to avoid me like the plague and maybe I was. I needed distance, space and some time to think. The rest of the day was stressful to say the least. Jessica was ignoring her completely and Lillian looked like she had just one the lottery. That is how the week went and before Natasja knew it; it was the day of reckoning. Her heart beating fifty times more than usual, she went into the principal’s office, where she would be taking the exam. She seriously couldn’t believe it, the amount of times she had pictured this day; it wasn’t anything like she could have dreamt it. She felt weighed down, her legs leaden her arms weighty and her head pounding. Natasja couldn’t shake it; she had the worst migraine ever on the biggest day of her life. It was a sign, a sign of doom and she

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo didn’t know if she could take it. The stupid chocolate muffins she had eaten to forget about Jessica and Lillian and Rebecca and Zhane and Joshua were killing her. Joshua hadn’t even come to cheer her up. It was so sad, she wanted to cry; her life was going to be over by the end of the day. Pausing a second, something clicked in her mind, she hadn’t shied away to Sean when he had tried to kill her, why the hell was she being cowed by a couple of buffoons? Not thinking of anything else, she went into the exam room with Ms. Barton and nearly fainted upon seeing the exam paper. No wonder she had six hour to do the test, the exam could have been a book. Knocking her head against the chair back, she began the test. The watch on her hand seemed to be ticking in a crescendo; tick tock, tick tock… Clenching her teeth, she answered the questions, even the ones she hadn’t the faintest idea about until her headache became a relatively major problem. Looking up at Ms. Barton desperately, she begged, “Miss, please, I have a really bad migraine, could I have some pain killers?” Maybe it was the look in her eyes, but Ms. Barton obliged, sending someone to get it. Thanking her profusely, Natasja took the tablets with a cup of water and continued the test. The pages turned one after the other and it was like the bars of a prison bursting free. The one exam was a mixture of everything she had done in every subject that she was doing for CXC. It was extremely hard; there were a lot of questions on sets, my hardest topic and quite a few on the Haitian and Russian Revolution. Essays were the order of the day and Natasja had to actually request folder paper. Soon enough at ten to three, Natasja was pleased to say, she had finished the exam without skipping a single question. Now, she just had to pray that she had not written trash. Even though the exam was over, Natasja still felt the mystical prison bars stranding her and she knew what she had to do. Handing up the exam papers with a smile on her face, she left on a mission of sorts. Looking around the place for Zhane and Rebecca, she found them at Arawak village and blessedly without Lillian. Hesitating slightly, she asked, “Um, could I sit without you guys getting up and leave like in those television shows?” They looked at each other for a second as if communicating telepathically then motioned for her to sit. Step one done. Taking a deep breath, Natasja took a chance, “I am sorry for ignoring you guys while I was dating Sean, it was one of the worst possible things I could have done. It really wasn’t intentional. Then, after the incident I didn’t know how to talk to you, it was really frustrating not knowing what to say but I seriously hope you’ll forgive me.” Biting her lip self-consciously, not knowing what else to say; Natasja remained quite, hoping to the God in heaven that they would

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo give her another chance. “Forget it,” Zhane said, Natasja could tell that it wasn’t meant to be hostile but it was and it hurt. Looking at Rebecca pleadingly, she replied, “Bye.” That was hostile. Swallowing hard, Natasja felt her body twitched involuntarily and knew she was on the verge of crying. Leaving, Natasja didn’t think of Zhane and Rebecca as something evil, only that it hurt knowing that there friendship was well and truly over. She could feel a clawing at her heart and she didn’t try to block it; that was how life went. Taking a risk, Natasja looked around for Joshua. Twenty minutes later, she found him behind the staff house with Lillian. They looked so snug together, as though they were truly happy. The realization made her extremely sad because she had tried to prevent Joshua from happiness. Balling up all her courage, Natasja walked toward them. Zhut! It was so much harder than she would have thought it would have been, “Hi guys, um, I want to say something.” She didn’t think they heard, they were in their own cozy little world where nothing existed but whatever. Personally, Natasja had never been there so it was kind of strange to describe it. Tick Tock, the time was going here. Expelling a large amount of air from her lungs she began, “Lillian, Joshua, please listen.” Satisfied that they were for the time being paying attention to what she was saying, she continued even though Lillian was giving her the bad eye. Whatever, she still looked ugly so it didn’t matter. “I want to say that I am extremely sorry for acting like such a fool lately, it was intentional but still. I hope you will be bountifully happy together. K?” Shoot, Natasja felt like dirt had invaded her mouth; maybe that’s why she didn’t tell lies. Joshua looked at Natasja sort of dazedly and that was when she saw his rock solid erection, her bad. She had the worst timing in history! That reminded her of Brittany Spears song that went, “… History has come again…” She loved the song but it seriously wasn’t appropriate. Wiping the smile off her face, she tried to make a quick exit. Natasja would not lie to all of them and say that she would hang out with them; not to say that they wanted her here. Giving Joshua one last beseeching look, to say it ain’t so, she left. Natasja felt grossly hungry with a lion as stomach, growling its way until she ate her first barbeque chicken from Kentucky Fried Chicken in Yamane Center. Taking out her cheep Nokia ‘fridge’ of a phone, she called her dad, Mr. Sinclair, to tell him where she was. It seemed that he would be late because of a stupid meeting. Ravishing her food, she didn’t notice when a shadow came over her. She seriously wasn’t the most observant person in the world. “Aren’t you greedy?” The voice stopped her in her tracks; it was Jessica. Turning around to look at her friend, she didn’t realize that she had sauce all over her cheek and nose. She sort of looked like a clown. Jessica had a reluctant smile on her face while Tatiana who was behind

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo her was laughing whole-heartedly. Natasja was totally bemused but laughed along thinking what the heck.

Another Day, Another Mile Life is a game of give and take, you just have to wait. Chapter 5 Joshua is no longer in the picture and I don’t know how I feel about that. He was there before Jessica and Tatiana. He was her best friend during the rocky roads when no one else seemed to care enough. He was the strength she needed, he was everything and now he is gone. Jessica is a whirlwind of experiences. She talks and talks and gossips and talks until you swear he mouth will drop off but it never actually does. She is a fashionista but not as much as Tatiana who will buy out an entire store. Jessica is undoubtedly a black horse: exciting, thrilling, mysterious and real. Tatiana is unbelievably dramatic. Bitchy, fashionable, mean, feisty, you name it; she has it. She is the queen of drama and the spice of my class. She is sometime overwhelmingly over-the top but she is herself. There is no other Tatiana around and you can either hate her or love her. Zhane and Rebecca, they are a team; say one and you think the other. They are quirky, funny, corny and now that I think about it, very dull. It was all rehearsed, boring, insufferable, and routine. It was fun while it lasted; I learnt what friendship was and they were nice in their own way but its over. Bye, Bye, Bye! What to do now, what to think, what to believe and most importantly, what do I want? It is a hard question; what does Natasja Nicosia Cassia want; but was it impossible. So listing it out, I want to have fun, be spontaneous, laugh like a stupid maniac, and be free ad to have friends throughout the ride. Goal set; now what? Tick Tock, tick tock, the clock chimps by. Waiting was a unnecessary procedure, Natasja wanted to get the results and just know what was going on. Natasja was currently talking to Jessica when Simone interrupted. She was fair skinned with glasses that had thick lenses. Her frame was curvaceous and her attitude was perky. She was a friend of Jessica since the start high school. Natasja only spoke to her occasionally because that was the only time thy saw each other. “Hey, guys, do you want to play truth or dare?” Everyone knew truth or dare, whether from watching television or seeing others play it

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo at parties. Persons tended to lame out in the game so it got really boring extremely fast. Looking at each other, they accepted. Xing-Fu, Dimitri, Gregory, Tatiana, Lillian, Simone and some other students from the classes next door were playing. The game began soon enough with simple, undemanding questions and dares that were quickly getting boring. Catherine from the class next door spun the bottle and it landed on Simone. “Truth or Dare?” The group cheered for her to choose dare and so it began. “I dare you to go up to Ryan and give him a French kiss.” Dare placed, it couldn’t be retracted unless you wanted to spoil the game up. Everyone looked at Simone expectantly; Lillian rooted her on. Ryan was next door studying when Catherine called him over for some unknown reason. Licking her lips, Simone got up from the chair and walked over to him. “Sorry Jaejay. It was a dare. Leaning over, she fulfilled hr dare while the whole class rooting her along. As usual, the party had to come to end. Ms. Lincoln, the dean of discipline, intruded upon the class when the kiss was taking place. Students rushed in front of the couple in time to hide the scene from the unwanted adult. Being an adult she was boring enough to not know what was going on and instead of cursing because of fraternizing on school compounds, she confiscated a Blackberry Curve. When she left, the class gave an audible sigh of relief. This did not include Richard, who commenced bawling over his Blackberry and the group laughed aloud. “Okay, lets change it up; the dares will have to be done after school hours, okay?” This is what Lillian said and everyone reluctantly agreed. Jessica had to swim as far out as possible at Hellshire beach, Catherine had to straddle Joshua and Lillian made it clear that straddle did not mean ride. Tatiana had to drink 4 crates of Smirnoff in three hours. Natasja had to go on three dates by Saturday and it was already Wednesday. In all, it made for a very interesting week. Those who did not fulfill the dare had to do five person’s homework for a week. Lively discussions ensued during English class, everyone thinking of their respective dares. English, after all, was just a pointless subject meant only to keep students caged up in the classrooms longer. French, Spanish, those languages Natasja would pay attention to because they were relevant; they were not born knowing that stuff. At first break, Natasja took he mp4 ad went to the library. Jessica was eating lunch with her crew and so was Tatiana. She didn’t feel comfortable in groups so she just talked one on one with people. The library was crowded because exam time was just around the corner and people had to be studying their behinds off. Natasja felt uneasy, looking at the other occupants of the library; next year she would be here doing what they were doing now, studying for their lives. Next year was the year that would either make her dreams

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo come through or damage all the hope she had left. It wasn’t too much pressure, students had done it a thousand times over; so why was she sweating like a pig in the sauna and breathing as though she was having a hart attack? Hissing her teeth because she was annoyed with herself, she took up a novel. It was the Ireland Isle and everything around her evaporated, only to be replaced by a ghost of a memory past. The book carried her away to the beginning of the end of her relationship with Sean; but oddly enough, thee mention of his name didn’t make her cringe, but she still felt her art being dismantled. “What happened to you?” Joshua had asked. She’d known he hadn’t meant that day but she didn’t know when. “What are you talking about?” Natasja looked down at the Ireland book as though she had been reading it but she had been avoiding his gaze. “Why did you have to date Sean, you were okay before him, weren’t you?” She looked up then to see pain flickering in his eyes. She hadn’t known why it was there but it caused tear to come to her eyes but she would not let them fall. “I liked him, I wanted him, I tried to keep him.” It had been a stupid response and one that had also not been true. She hadn’t liked him; she had liked how she had a boyfriend, she’d wanted a boyfriend and she tried to keep a boyfriend, not Sean. Joshua’s eyes had been filled with disgust and Natasja had felt a thousand times worse. It was like he had known. No one had held power over her before; she hadn’t cared about making someone liking her. She had been able to block out everyone’s opinion of Sean. Why couldn’t she have done the same with Joshua? “He kept you, are you that foolish? I bet you didn’t know him before he talked to you. You were just being an idle idiot when you gave the nigga the time of day.” There was no gentleness in Joshua’s demeanor; he was rock solid, firm in his opinion, and firm in his judgment of her. The tears had escaped and she’d tried to hide them by bending her head. He hadn’t stopped though, “You didn’t know the first thing about the guy but you let him walk all over you. You should know better than that. I seriously thought you had brains, you seemed smart to me but I guess I was wrong. You’re gonna realize the guy is bad news, I just hope it is before he ruins you.” Natasja realized something and it made her heat wrench. Joshua had never said he cared about her; he could have been using her for all that she knew. She had trusted a guy who would call her foul names. No wonder he didn’t care that she hated the girl he was dating. He had ignored her; she didn’t matter to him. The funny thing was, she normally didn’t trust anyone; but lately, she trusted anyone who talked to her. She was a pathetic idiot. At least Joshua wasn’t far off the mark.

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Putting back the book, Natasja found a chair and sat and prayed. Life was giving her some serious beatings, how much could one girl take before she finally broke? Natasja didn’t know the answer and she didn’t want to take the risk; prayer saved so many, maybe it could save her. Natasja prayed for strength, she prayed for will power and she prayed for peace. Prayer done and over with, Natasja left the library. The library was no longer her zone; she’d find another one. Going to the canteen, happily the line was shorter, she bought a blueberry Nutri-grain and five Jolly-rancher sweets. Jolly-ranchers were her one sweet addiction, except bubble gum where she didn’t discriminate. Nutri-grain was a Kellogg’s bar that was both cheap and healthy. The Nutri-grain, as usual, was delicious. It was the only thing she would eat that had blueberry as an ingredient. She ate while walking from the canteen; she wasn’t going to eat with anyone. Natasja saw Joshua by the green wall sitting down with Lillian nestled carefully into his shoulders. She felt a stab of pain where her heart should have been as bile rose in her throat. Not giving the couple a second glance, Natasja walked by and headed to bathroom to give the toilet her broken heart. At the bathroom door, upstairs the three stories building that housed third and fourth formers, she wished that she had just vomited on Joshua and Lillian; it would have saved her a suspension. The bathroom door was closed so she guessed girls were changing. Opening the door fractionally, Natasja went inside. Bile was still rising in her throat but she was starting to get the feeling that it wasn’t from repulsion. What met her eyes was totally believable; after all, she seemed to attract trash. Traci and Taylor were ambushing Tatiana. It was incredible, lose a friend to a whore and lose another friend to some smart–up bimbos. Natasja was not having it. Natasja ran to an unoccupied toilet and wretched. Rubbing off the icky grime with toilet paper, she joined the fracas. Traci was seriously gorgeous and with a sense of vindictive pleasure, she jumped her, knocking both her and Tatiana to the floor. Taylor had scissors in her hand and she dragged Tatiana off the floor ad cut her hair off. Removing her limbs from off Traci, Natasja boxed Taylor across the face. Natasja under other circumstances would have laughed as she watched Taylor spin dizzily into a bathroom stall door and bounce off, still spinning into the toilet where she tripped. He smooth knees ended up in the toilet basin. Natasja thanked God silently that she wasn’t slim enough and light bodied enough to end up like Taylor. With that, Natasja refocused on Tatiana as Taylor screamed. Traci got up to help Taylor out of the unfortunate position as a teacher entered the bathroom. Looking around at the four of us in the wall mirror, he thundered, “What is the meaning of this?” Gulping

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo down fearfully, Natasja turned to the teacher. Natasja didn’t see her life flashing before her eyes but she sure as hell would have preferred it. The teacher eyes were stormy with rage and disbelief and it made him look like the devil’s son. The bell rang sounding the end of break but not one of the three girls moved, unless it was to fidget. Tatiana had lost consciousness during the fight and had been taken to the nurse’s station where someone would have carried her to the hospital. Natasja realized with a sickening thud that she didn’t know why the girls had been fighting. She’d just seen her friend being beat up and tried to defend her. The phone rang for about the billionth time and the receptionist after a while escorted them to the principal’s office. Mortification didn’t begin to describe how she felt. Natasja wanted to laugh as a bout of hysteria filled her; it was either that or crying. The principal droned on and on, lecturing them on the stupidity of their actions, and then she went into their individual actions. “Natasja, I can’t believe you actually put yourself into this situation. This year, you’ve had incident after incident tearing down your record but this will take the cake. Why did you not alert a teacher that something was amiss? Are you that irresponsible?” Natasja face remained cool and controlled, giving off mild indifference but inside the words stung. The worst part though, was that she was actually starting to believe that the principal might be right. Natasja tried to explain, she tried to clear her name but it was no use. “Do you mean that just because your friend is in trouble, you should act like the martyr? Natasja, before this year, I wouldn’t have believed you could be so reckless with your future but you are. Natasja, if the police do not charge you with any offences, then you will be suspended for a week; otherwise, you will be expelled. Traci, Taylor, I am afraid that this is out of my hands, you are both expelled and I have called the police and they are on their way.” Natasja went deaf, she went blind, she went numb; her world was going to crumble into little pieces around her. Her life was on the verge of being destroyed and the only way that she was going to survive with something, was if the corrupted police rescued her. Seeing that the police couldn’t solve a simple crime where there were dozens of witnesses, they would try to milk this situation for all it was worth. She was not being a pessimist, she was accepting defeat. The police came and to Natasja horror arrested all three of them at Pebbles. “Oh God,” she prayed silently, “Spare me, help me, save me and guide me. I promise to listen to you every day, if you would just give me a chance.” As they loaded them into the police cruiser, Natasja felt her head spinning. Looking outside the window Natasja tried to focus; tried to stay calm, it didn’t work. Her head spun like whirlwind, the car jerked and

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo braked as the police officer drove, the images of her schoolmates staring aghast at them, fresh in her mind. Her mind got fuzzy and everything became unclear, everything surreal. A song edged its way to the forefront of her mind, JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL. The song seemed so appropriate, she needed Jesus to steer her off the track she was on, and she needed her Lord’s help desperately. Natasja blanked out. Natasja head bucked, twisted and writhed as she tried to wake up from the most horrific dream in her life. The horror came from knowing half the dream was reality. The sadness it inflicted on her was indescribable, the pain and guilt over-whelmed her until the fight had left her limbs. She was on a collapsing boat, water from the rocky seas pouring unto the deck. The boat was sinking quickly but oddly, the water joined forming a cross as mighty as the Mt. Everest. Her cross was too great; the burden too heavy, she was going to drown. Her heart pounded like a wild bear’s, her emotions clogged in her throat. A bright light shone from the beckoning sea as an image appeared. Her life in high school floated by on the blue home made television she and her group had used in their project. She had been proud knowing that she had spent so much time to finish the project and all her group members had helped. An image floated within the television screen, her accomplishments both big and small were shone with such clarity that her eyes misted over. The brightness suddenly dimmed as though invisible candles were being blown out. Sean’s image appeared, the cross, felt as though it had gained fifty pounds and the boat tipped over slightly. Sean’s image crushed the television screen as Rebecca and Zhane were in it. Natasja’s heart stopped as tears slowly drenched her face. Their smiling faces broke, her heart constricted, her breathing became ragged. Grades floated on the water now; grades that could shame a scoundrel. The cross-multiplied, the letter about her performance appeared and the boat tilted more until boxes splashed overboard. She was in danger zone. Crawling to the top, Natasja held on for all her life. She prayed, “Please don’t let this be the end.” Suddenly Sean disappeared only to be replaced by Joshua. Natasja’s bawled out, this couldn’t be good, but she was silenced. A light appeared that was not as strong as the first but enough for the seas to momentarily settle. The library appeared and Joshua had helped her. Realization struck as painful as an electrocution. The light was bright in the center but darkened at its edges, it was like light shining through darkness. Lillian and Joshua became a couple and the light flickered; the boat jerked unsteadily. Looking into the seas stormy depths, it wasn’t an image of the couple making the seas roar, it was Natasja’s reaction. Natasja’s malice and hatred caused it.

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Joshua flickered away, not completely gone but nowhere around. The sea roared its almighty fury; the clouds from the high heaven released its mighty protests. Natasja’s arms slipped and she fell backwards down into the sea. Reaching out, her arms flailed. She was partially in the water at the bottom of the boat. Thinking what could cause it, she only thought of the fight. The fight was the nail in her coffin and the arrest the dirt on her grave. Her arm’s found ground. Holding on, she tried to climb up to the boat’s raised side. Boxes and other stuff rolled into the all-consuming depths of the sea. As she reached the top, she looked up. Natasja was shocked to see that instead of the fight, it was a motion picture. Natasja wanting to wretch and blaming it on Lillian and Joshua had been the nail in her coffin. About to let go because she didn’t know what else to do, she saw Joshua on what appeared to be an island. It was a tombolo, which meant it led to a main land. Joshua was looking at her, trying desperately to say something but the words were muffled and she slipped and fell over board. If only she could hear Joshua but she couldn’t and she was drowning in a web of her own making. Kicking and screaming earnestly, Natasja was shaken and she awoke. She was at the police station and the police was holding on to her. “Are you okay?” Natasja would have made a sly comment and asked him if he’d had a dream like hers would he be alright. The words melted on her lips, he’d asked gently. She couldn’t be sure but Natasja could swear that she saw a light as bright as star and just as distant, shine on her in the broad daylight. “I think so, thanks for asking.” She felt calm, collected; Natasja would not allow herself to drown when she could swim like any fish. The Lord had answered her prayers. May 15, 2009 End of 1st half of Part 1- The first half was the major conflict of part 1 that breeds more conflict throughout this section. At the first half’s conclusion, Natasja found strength in a dream; a dream that will set her back on track with her mind more focused. The only flaw is that she might become dependent on Joshua in the second half.

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Run With itNo one man is likely to be given two chances, run with it PART 2 DREAMING MADNESS (Dreams are things your heart makes, when you are fast asleep.) Chapter 6 Magic, the Lord, a guardian angel, prayer, the reason counted but at that moment Natasja wanted to cry to the Lord in praise. Normally, Natasja would have thought it annoying to watch people get into the Holy Spirit but at that precise moment; she was nowhere close to the normal Natasja. There was no normal Natasja. Literally jumping and skipping out of the police station, she ran for the bus stop singing Hallelujah. Her heart was light, her spirit free, and her being finally at rest. She felt like the world was spinning hearts and salvations. Life couldn’t be more pleasant. The hearty feeling fled as quickly as it had come. The 19A was full, the roads bumpy with sweat rolling down from the passengers’ bodies. Bumping into people as the bus made turns; Natasja wanted to cuss a million expletives but refrained. The person’s bag behind her was poking her ruthlessly in the back. The bus was stifling hot and smelt rather fetid. Natasja was only too happy to get off the bus at Yamane. Walking down the sidewalk to the pedestrian, Natasja noticed with some level of surprise that the world had continued without her. It was not what she usually thought about and it brought reality back into focus. The roads were busy with lines of cars driving by. It took about two minutes before the cars paused to let her cross the road. The day was normal; it was reality and that meant that her troubles were not over as yet. The dream was her salvation, now she needed to make good on that second chance. Life would after all continue when everyone was dead and gone. Natasja quickly made her way into Broderick trying and failing to put things in order. As she made her way to the school office, she saw Lillian talking to Rebecca and Zhane. As Natasja continued to walk to the office hoping they wouldn’t see her, Rebecca spotted her. Wandering what she was supposed to do, she looked at the office door about ten feet away and the girls standing about 15 feet in the opposite direction. Sending up a silent prayer, Natasja hoped that things would work out.

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo They were looking at her like she had a disease. Biting her lip, Natasja walked to Rebecca, Zhane and Lillian. “Hey, I guess you heard about what happened?” It sounded lame, squeaky and extremely desperate. She couldn’t do any better, what was she supposed to say, ‘I had a dream and I was saved’? That would be lunatic worthy. Lillian gave her a rather foul look that made Natasja want to claw her disgraceful eyes out but resisted. “We heard.” The reply had come from Zhane. Her long dark hair was plaited, flowing down her back as usual. Her face was sphinx-like but her reply didn’t seem overly harsh. Natasja didn’t know if that was a good sign and so continued to look for hints on her face. Her dark brown eyes bore through her, testing her and Natasja had no hope of passing. “Well, since you heard already I guess I don’t have to elaborate. By tomorrow everyone will know the whole sordid story so- I am going to leave.” Natasja didn’t know if she was doing the right thing, Rebecca’s’ emotions that shone so clearly in her face as Natasja was about to leave, told her she was making a mistake; but maybe she would have made a bigger mistake by staying. Natasja walked away. It took forever and year. Natasja waited, trying for the first time since coming off the bus, not to think. Things just might go better that way. The day was wearing on her, the day’s battles all too obviously imprinted on her. As Natasja sat at the seating area beside receptionist’s desk, she felt as though she was being watched, scrutinized; maybe that’s why it took forever to get through in the office, because they wanted to observe you. It was a scary thought but the ludicrousness of the thought made her smile. Two minutes later, the receptionist carried her to the principal’s office for the second time that day. The meeting wasn’t scary, just placid like cool lemonade on an average, slow moving day; nothing news worthy. She was suspended from school but she was allowed to return to sit the exams in two weeks times. Natasja felt better knowing that she was allowed to stay but one event told her that things weren’t as easygoing as they seemed. The principal should have warned her about her actions but she hadn’t, she just asked about what had happened at the police station and that she could come back for exams. It was a trap, a trap Natasja wasn’t dumb enough to fall for. Going to the class, she collected all her belongings and left the class. As she walked down the stairs, random students stared at her, gossiping to their friends about her. Natasja knew she partially deserved their malicious serpentine tongues but it still incensed her. The Sinclair’s were not coming for her; they had texted to say that she could find her own way home. Natasja tried not to care too much, it really didn’t matter, and she didn’t need anyone to be on her side. Even as she thought this, she knew she was lying.

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Natasja didn’t go home; she had no reason to go. She instead crossed the road to go to Yamane Centre where she could finally stop acting. Her whole life was a soap opera and it needed to stop, she needed to feel real. She needed to know that- Natasja realized not for the first time that she was going nowhere. Melodramatics and all, she was still lost, still searching and for the first time in her entire life, truly alone. The truth shocked her into numbness. As a kid bounced into her, Natasja felt reality finally knock her down. Completely stunned, she fell to the floor with the dynamite child on top of her. A solitary tear slid down her face as the child wiggled away from her. “Sadie, look what you did,” said a deep yet gentle voice above Natasja. The voice sounded vaguely familiar but she couldn’t place it. Looking up into the speakers face, she was even more confused. Her mind must be playing tricks with her, was her only logical explanation. If she had ever seen the guy in front of her, she would have definitely remembered, he was the black Adonis. Looking at the girl in her lap for the first time, she smiled. The girl looked adorable, her small face contrite. “Sorry,” whispered Sadie, bending her head. Her voice was high pitched as tears flowed down her eyes. Natasja eyes widened in disbelief, the girl was crying. Getting up fractionally to stoop before the girl, she looked at the girl and whispered, “Hush Sadie, it’s really okay, I was not paying attention much. Please don’t wrinkle your face; you’re so cute. I absolutely adore your dress.” Sadie face brightened like a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day, majestic, “thanks”. Natasja couldn’t exactly explain what the girl’s smile did to her but she knew it was great. Little Sadie, the dynamite girl was something special. Getting up fully, Natasja looked up into the handsome guy’s eyes who seemed strangely silent throughout the encounter. “Cats got your tongue? My name is Natasja,” holding out her hands she introduced herself. The guy remained firmly still as though he had seen a ghost and Natasja wondered if she did indeed know him, that would explain his attitude. She was not after all a girl’s scout with cookies. Withdrawing her hands, Natasja felt awkward. Changing the position of her feet she wondered if she should just go. Maybe he was angry that she had spoken to Sadie like that. Unsure of herself she opened her mouth to speak but no words were uttered. Tick Tock, the time is stuck; sighing in frustration, Natasja began to walk away. How weird! “Hold up! Wait a second, please. I am sorry.” More baffled than ever before, Natasja turned back around. “Um dude, it’s okay that Sadie bumped into me, I wasn’t paying attention. Later,” Turning back around, she practically trotted down to the food court.

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Giovanni looked at the girl storm away, lost for words. He recognized her but wasn’t really sure he knew her. She seemed like an elusive memory that tickled his brain, daring him to remember but unable to. Lifting up Silly Sadie, he climbed the stairs that led to the second floor movie theatre. Maybe some memories were better left unrevealed. “You need to stop causing so much trouble Ss, you are lucky you are so cute,” crooned Giovanni. He loved his sister but sometimes she was too much hassle. Sadie smiled her endearing smile that made her eyes sparkle like stars in the sky. Little Silly Sadie represented his family, sweet and loving; however harassing they may be at times. Sadie’s hair twirled in Giovanni’s face as Sadie wiggled free. Reluctant to let her walk again, he looked around at what could have caused her to be so hyper. It was Lillian. Sitting down at a table by herself, Natasja tried to concentrate. She could not seem to forget the guy. He seemed nice to Dynamite Girl and he looked so handsome. He would have been cool to get to know but he was total out of her league. He seemed dedicated and smart and hot and nice and sexy and caring and hot- hitting herself firmly with her hardcover Math’s book; she tried to stay focused. It was no time to focus on any guy. Once bitten, twice shy… that’s what Zhane always loved to say to Rebecca when she kept repeating her mistakes. Thoughts of Zhane and Rebecca brought sadness to her heart. They used to be close, they told each other everything and yet a boy had come between them. The saddest part was that, Sean did not break up their friendship. Natasja had discarded their friendship by ignoring them and choosing a wretched succubus of a guy over her loyal and ever devoted friends. Life was a twisted maze and Natasja still had not found her head from her tail. Taking out scrap paper, Natasja tried to do a practice exam at the back of the mathematics textbook. X+Y=80… [1] ¼ X= 1/6 Y… [2]. The problems kept getting harder but once a problem made her hesitate, she looked it up in the book, working samples questions until she finally understood it. By six o’clock in the evening, Natasja was exhausted, and hungry. Her brain really used a lot of food. Going to Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) she bought a meal deal. Eating her meal by herself, she wondered about life. She had no clue where she wanted to be in twenty years, who knew if she would even be alive? Shaking her head to get rid of the thought, she took out an exercise book and tore out a page. Using a black Paper Mate pen, she wrote the heading “Aspirations for =) =” Thinking careful, she

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo imagined the life she would love to have; and so it began. The finished list surprised the hell out of her. Aspirations For =)= 1) To become a lawyer 2) To have a good, steady job 3) To have my own home 4) To travel to Europe for a year* 5) To have three children 6) To marry a guy and we both love each other. 7) To have reliable friends who will always love me for who I am How To Get My Dream Life =) 1) Pass fourth form 2) Conquer fifth form 3) Demolish sixth form 4) ------------------(Friends) 5) Go to university 6) Excel at University- get a degree Get masters 7) Find a job and stick to it 8) Save money for a house 9) Speak at least two languages “Curious, I see what you want you want on that sheet but how are you going to get, you haven’t answered that as yet.” Natasja’s writing hand hitched, causing the letters to form weird. Natasja didn’t dare to look up. She didn’t know how to react with him, she didn’t know whether to love or hate him. She didn’t know if she should cry or remain motionless. “Shouldn’t you be elsewhere?” Asked Natasja; unsure of her footing. She hurriedly stuffed the paper into her bag; afraid it would reveal her vulnerabilities. She heard him let out a sigh of aggravation but didn’t say anything. They both remained silent, one not knowing what to say, the other afraid to say anything. Finally, after what seemed like a year, Joshua spoke.” You are not supposed to answer a question with a question,” he chided gently. Rolling her eyes, wondering why he had bothered to come over when he was so unsure of himself, Natasja replied icily, “At least I replied.” It was obvious they weren’t going to get anywhere. “Why did you come over here, Joshua? “ It was a serious question, Natasja seriously didn’t know. Joshua sat down on the opposite side of the table, leaning over it at Natasja. Natasja looked at him for the first time, desperately needing an answer. She was confused, one minute she hated him, the next she loved him. Joshua seemed to understand

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo her dilemma. “I came over because I thought that you might want someone to be on your side.” She had to bite her lip not to cry; he was not judging her. “How do you know I need someone? And why would you assume that I need you? I do have friends.” Joshua didn’t hesitate to respond and maybe that was what caused it, “Then where are they?” he said it softly but the gravity of his words sunk just as deeply. He was thinking that in her time of need her friends had abandoned her. “They are watching over Tatiana. “You wouldn’t know her, she is my friend.” Natasja wasn’t sure what had caused her to make such an outburst but the look in Joshua’s eyes, made her want to revoke the statement. His face seemed to darken into a silhouette, anger barely suppressed, “What is that supposed to mean?” Pressing her lips together she wondered if she should just stop talking. “It means that you only know people who I so happen to hate, which reminds me, where is dear Lillian?” Joshua got up from his chair, his emotions on the verge of exploding. Leaning over, just for Natasja to hear, he whispered, “Great job Natasja, you lost your two best friends and some other close friends, are you really willing to lose the one person who actually cares about you?” He didn’t wait for her to respond, he stormed out of the food court. Natasja didn’t dare to think, didn’t dare to feel; she scampered leaving all her stuff, for the only person who gave a damn about her. She didn’t know what she was thinking, she didn’t know what she was feeling but she knew she had to react. Running pass adults and children alike, Natasja misjudged a stairs distance from her and toppled. Clenching her teeth in pain, she searched for Joshua. As faith would have it, he was just outside collectibles, Lillian at his side. Hobbling towards the couple, she blocked out all thought, she wasn’t ready to think. Natasja felt pain ricocheting through her feet. Warning bells were sounding alarms in her head as mini hers cheered her on. Lillian looked amused as she hobbled her way to hem while Joshua looked both startled and wary. Braking up before them, Natasja spoke the first words to come out of her mouth. “I am not sorry, I know I should be seriously sorry but I just can’t be. I told you I didn’t like Lillian from the beginning but that didn’t stop you and that made me feel really bad. Lillian, we were ever really friends, at one point we sort of tolerated each other but I don’t want to tolerate you, I would feel like a serious hypocrite. I don’t know what made me hate you in the first place but I know that you rub me the wrong way. I don’t like you two as I couple, I absolutely detest the idea but-“Joshua looked as though he was about to interrupt and so Natasja slapped his hands. “Listen, okay. As I was saying, I really hate the ‘Lilua’ idea. The idea really sucks actually but because I DON’T want to lose you, I’ll be open to the idea. Please?”

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Natasja held her breath not knowing what else to add. Grand speeches were not Natasja’s strong suit but she had tried. Joshua looked completely off kilter while Lillian face was a complete mask. In Natasja view, she wouldn’t mind if Lillian actually did wear a mask but she wouldn’t say that, she had comprised too many friendships already. Finally, Joshua replied, “I don’t know what to say, it is up to Lillian if we can still hang out with you.” Giving Lillian a questioning look he fell silent. Natasja couldn’t believe it; she prayed that Lillian had a heart, silently. “You can’t possibly be serious, it is up to you Joshua, not Lillian, do not do this?” Joshua didn’t reply, he jus continued to look at Lillian. “I am sorry Natasja but you already know that we can’t be friends, you eve said as much. It is over, goodbye.” Natasja felt her world collapse around her. Her life wasn’t over, she wouldn’t be that melodramatic; but it surely just got a lot worse. The pain in her ankle still throbbed mercilessly however, not as much as her heart. Beat after beat, her heart broke to pieces even though she still stood but walking away as normally as possible, she knew it could hold out much longer. Natasja no longer remembered her studies, she o longer remember anything but the pain that spoke of hr life. Walking around the corner to the bathroom, she finally broke down, falling to the floor in an ungracious heap; crying for everything that she had lost. She had lost her family, lost he place in the class, lost her best friends, lost her pride, lost her families and her school mates respect, lost her place at school and most devastating of all, lost her will to see the mess through. Her parents were crap, her life was crap and she was crap. She ran back to her bag one thought in mind; peace. Taking up her bag, she ran back to her hiding place, blind to the world. She was tired of saying sorry, she was tired of trying and failing, she was tired of being thrown away like a rag doll for making a mistake. She was tired of being; she wanted to be dead. Emptying the content of her bag, Natasja dug in search of likely weapon. A man came out of the men’s room looking at her strangely ad the forgetting her existence; Natasja didn’t care for she would no longer exist. Taking out her nail clip, she created her weapon. Everything happened in slow motion, every feeling intensified. Pulling out the blade, Natasja looked at its sharp, shining surface. Natasja ran the blade smoothly across hr wrist, nothing happened but the cool metallic feel lingered as a reminder of her deceit; deceit to whom she was and deceit to all her beliefs. A thousand thoughts aced through her mind, all fighting for a chance to be heard. She didn’t want to listen. She didn’t want to have second thoughts; all she wanted was to feel the end. Her mind wouldn’t seize, her fingers wouldn’t settle and hr being was irresolute. The nail shook as she lowered it to her wrist once more,

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo the blade glinting ominously. Natasja felt her heart ate increase rapidly as her being wrecked havoc, her brain in turmoil. She hated who she was, she hated the life she lived, she hated everything about her life but she did not hate the people and dreams she would leave behind. The nail clip wobbled in her sweaty hand until it clattered the floor…

Natasja was gone, this time to be replaced by Natasja the diva. She was tired of lacking one quality or another. She was tired of feeling insignificant because of others. She was tired of being a pushover. She was tired of wanting t fix everything. She was tired of being blamed for everything. She was tired of being too damn nice. She had not been grown to be nice, she had been grown to be real and that how she was going to start acting; like a real, tired of crap diva. Lying down on her bed in her room, Natasja wrote in her diary. Taking out crayons from a drawer at the side of her bed she expressed her thoughts. How could she express how she wanted to not only be perceived but also want to be? She wanted to be fierce, she wanted to be steadfast, she wanted to be free of all restraints and boundaries and she wanted to be her. All of these things that she wanted to be, she wanted to compress into four words that represented who she was, a diva. Finally, the words came and she designed them.

Y’all that’s me, the mega diva called Natasja, baby!!! Watch the stairs ‘cause it’s about to fly!!!!!!

Determined Innovative Vivacious Assertive Natasja felt idle and decided to be quirky and little out of the ordinary. Adding a dream bubble, she wrote the first crazy thing that came to her mind. 45

Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Noise down below alerted Natasja that someone was home. She heard a little girl singing the theme song of ‘That’s So Raven’ as the television turned on. Natasja loved that show, Raven, the star of the show was psychic and her visions were almost always wrong. In a weird way, if Raven hadn’t had her visions, a lot of them wouldn’t have even happened but because she sees it she ensures that it happens. It was mixed up show and that’s why she loved it so much. Jumping off her bed, Natasja carried her diary downstairs with her to watch TV. A little girl Natasja did not recognize was plopped comfortable in the settee watching the episode where Raven was the Sport’s reporter. “Hey, what’s your name?” The girl looked like nine years old. She wore jeans jumpers over a plaid red and white shirt and her knotty short, dark brown hair was in two pig tails. Her shoes were thankfully missing. The girl jumped at her voice, startled. Her eyes were huge orbs of caramel and her complexion was fair, a rusty soft brown. She looked cute. “My name is Kylie Simons, are you related to Natalie?” Spreading out on the carpet in front of the settee Natasja responded mildly, “You could say that, I’m Natasja. “ The introductions over, they both settled to watch the comedy train ride that was ‘That’s So Raven’. Laughing occasionally, they talked about what would happen next. They both had watched this episode billions of times before. By the end of the show, Kylie and Natasja were on companionable terms. Natalie walked out of the kitchen at the beginning of the next show with popcorns in her hands. She looked as though she had seen a ghost when she saw Natasja. Natasja realizing she was being watched faced her foster sister, a mocking smiling giving her a mischievous look. “Seen a ghost lately?” Natalie looked a little deflated but didn’t miss a beat, “I thought you would be in your room writing about how sad your life is.” Natalie faked a tear with her finger and gave an ooooh expression, he finger at the side of her open mouth. “Sorry to say, I wanted to join the party, after all, you know us criminals.” After a little more battering by both sisters, they settled down once more to watch the movie. Kylie who had watched the battle between sisters looked extraordinarily confused but went back to watch the movie, grateful the conflict was over. They watched ‘Heartland’, ‘What I Like About You’ and ‘The Future Is Wild’ before Kylie saw Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone on Starz and begged to watch it. Natalie made Kylie beg for two whole minutes before she changed the channel, at which point Kylie looked pleased with her accomplishments. Natasja didn’t bother to tell Kylie that Natalie was a Harry Potter Fanatic; she had even made up a club. That reminded Natasja that Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince was coming out on July 15 and she could not miss it for the world.

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Natasja, Kylie and Natalia talked out the first half of the movie, talking in explicit, gushing details about their favorite parts and Natalie had to mention that next to Harry Potter, Twilight was the best movie ever. Kylie agreed with her whole-heartedly, talking about how Edward was so sexy and cute and some serious gushing went on between the two girls. Natasja liked Edward, okay, Natasja was totally in love with Edward but she was not a Twilight Fanatic like her peers. Harry Potter was her love and she would not compare any movie to it; especially Twilight- glittering Vampires? Natasja settled to watching the movie, thinking Daniel Radcliff and Tom Felton were totally sexy. Natasja was thoroughly engulfed in the show, thinking Harry was so tragically sweet when the phone rang, shaking her out of her reverie; partially. Natalie looked royally annoyed at being interrupted from the movie at such a bitter sweet scene where Harry looked into the mirror and saw his parents, Lily and James; and looked even more thunderous when she returned to living room, handing the phone over to Natasja. “Tell your friends to call you cell next time,” huffed Natalie as she fell unceremoniously to the floor, digging into the pop corn, once again enthralled by the movie. Taking up the receiver, Natasja walked out of the living room and into the kitchen. “Hallo?” greeted Natasja, wondering who would be calling her. Looking around the kitchen for the time she grabbed her cell phone, she really needed to take care of her things. It was nine o’clock in the night, which meant it had to be Kylie’s bed time. Shouting, Natasja asked what time Kylie was supposed to go to bed. Kylie and Natalie both replied, Kylie saying eleven o’clock, Natalie saying eight thirty. “Kylie, get ready for bed!” Jessica and Tatiana both responded into the receiver. Natasja was extremely excited at hearing their voices, forgetting about everything that had happened earlier, only remembering Tatiana being hurt. “Tats are you okay, are you still in hospital? Jess are you there with her?” Natasja had forgotten to ask which hospital Tatiana was staying at and she could have been at her friend’s side. “Tahj, stop asking so many questions, I’m okay, nothing really major, Jessica is not here with me, the doctor’s are saying that I have to stay here for a week. What happened to you though, I heard that you were arrested. Nothing bad happened right and please tell me those two brats have been locked up.” Natasja told them everything that had transpired earlier excluding the suicide attempt; she really didn’t need a pity party. “Oh My Gosh, you are suspended? I’m sorry I didn’t call Tahj; it’s just that things happened so fast and my mother picked me up early and stuff. I can’t believe Joshua did such a thing. It is really gross and disgusting,” scolded Jessica, thoroughly annoyed at both herself and Joshua. “Ease off the guilt trip Jess, it is totally okay. By the way, I think

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo that Traci and Taylor are having fun. Taylor totally fell into a toilet during the fight; both of them are never going to show their faces at Broderick ever again. “Tatiana, Jessica and Natasja began laughing and started talking about trivial stuff. “MJ is dead,” Tatiana said this and the trio abruptly stopped speaking. Michael Jackson on was a legend; he was the KING OF POP, no questions asked. Everyone in the world knew at least half of his songs and loved his music. “You can not be serious!” exclaimed Jessica hoarsely, “I got tickets to his concert in England.” We all knew it wasn’t the tickets Jessica was on the verge of crying over; no girl could resist MJ’s charm. All the things people said he did plus the fact that he turned himself white like snow could not prevent girls from falling desperately in love with him. “Are you sure Tats? That’s kind of not funny” “I’m serious, it’s on the local news, not to mention international news.” If it was on the local news then it was fact. The news got everything late plus true. The trio had a moment of silence for the legend. “I’m just turned the television to MTV hits, they are playing Michael’s songs. I love The Man in the Mirror. Awh!” There was no stopping it, Jessica burst out crying, Natasja and Tatiana followed suite after about three seconds of trying to act tough. After talking a little while longer, they hung up the phone. Natasja felt totally lost, she hadn’t thought of Michael Jackson really with all of the rape allegations, she surely hadn’t thought of him dying in a million years. Everything was just so sudden. Life was so short and she guessed if you wanted something to happen, you would have to just do it. Life was uncertain, the future wild, if you want something… run for it, dream for it, live for it and most importantly, never back down. Everyone is born with obstacles to face, challenge and conquer, others gets them as life goes on, those challenges, we have a choice to face and choice to leave… Natasja was ready to face her obstacles and finally conquer. Rebecca, Zhane, Joshua, Brenda, Taylor, Kasha and others had all been her friends, had all helped her get through one obstacle or another and she was not about to lose them. The only person or persons who helped her who she may never be able to thank was the person who had carried her to the hospital when she had fallen unconscious and the person who had stayed at her bedside until her parents had come. Natasja needed to thank her sister also for visiting her in hospital; they hadn’t exactly been close.

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo

Life is Short, Or is it (Life is short, we never know when it is going to end but is it really short? With all the twists, the turns and the malfunctions, once you have your friends and everything is copasetic maybe we will realize, it’s longer than we think.) Chapter 7 Natasja studied like a nerd and mended bridges like a construction worker. Determined to do everything by the books, she studied, her compass finally working; she was headed north, to safety. Every time Natasja wasn’t studying, she was either talking to her friends on the phone when her parents weren’t looking- because they had grounded her, or playing a game with Natalie. Natalie and Natasja were getting closer as the days passed by; they studied together, played together and fought together. Life was getting good but hopefully not good enough. On the Friday before Natasja was supposed to go back to school, Natasja and Natalie played Truth or Dare. It was Natalie’s turn. “Truth or Dare?” Natalie seemed to consider the question for ally of two seconds before replying eagerly, “Truth.” Natasja didn’t know what to ask her, it couldn’t be something easy, that she could always figure out. “Do you-How- Okay, I got one- Of all the guys you have ever liked, tell me the one you prefer most and why?” As usual, Natalie took very little time answering it, “Chase McDonnell. I had a crush on him about two months ago. He was so sweet, I mean, he was just not like the other guys I normally like. He made me feel special. Now that I think about it, I still like him but he is not interested in me.” Natasja didn’t have a clue who this Chase guy was but it sounded like her sister had it hard for the guy. “How do you know that he is not interested, I mean, why don’t you flirt with him or do that sort of thing you normally do to get a guys attention?” Natalie blew out a breath slowly, and explained what Natasja so obviously did not know. “Haven’t you been listening, he is different, he is like really nice and sweet and caring and he isn’t into girls like me. Anyways, I think he is dating someone.” Natalie looked so love sick and very beaten. Natasja didn’t know why she said it but it just came out, “Just like he is not your normal type and you like him, you may not be his normal type and he likes you. Tell me where I can find this guy and I will try to hook you two up.” After about two minutes of explaining who the guy was and where Natasja could find him, they forgot about the game and started talking about their love lives or in Natasja’s case, the lack thereof. 49

Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Studying… make’s me ill, so, so ill…. History has come again… Natasja couldn’t study; it was nearly impossible; all she wanted to do was move. She wanted jump out of her bed and run up and down, or scream, or laugh or just let go. It didn’t matter as long as she didn’t have to study. Playing martyr, she ignored her longings and focused on the Geography book in front of her. The last time she been studying the gross Geography, she had wished for a better life. The better life hadn’t come and now here she was once again. The only difference this time was that she wasn’t wishing for a better life, she was going to make a better life. Simple, short and most dog-doggedly sweet; that what her plan was. Flipping page after page, she absorbed information like a sponge. She wouldn’t fail; she wouldn’t pass… Natasja Cassia Nicosia was going to excel. Drawing and labeling diagrams, memorizing definitions, her head buzzed surrender; she needed a break. It was Sunday afternoon and Natasja was a wreck. She was nervous and excited and anxious… she didn’t know whether to hide or to run… she still had a few more hours to decide. Settling down in the kitchen to make a lemonade drink, she thought of the mysterious Chase, at least there was one thing she could look forward to doing. It was her first mission for her sister and she didn’t want to disappoint her. On your Marks- that’s how it felt to Natasja, as she got ready for school. She felt as though she was at the starting line, about to begin a race but to her consternation and complete horror, she didn’t know how long the race was. Determined, if clueless, she got dressed, ate breakfast and was shipped out of the house by Mr. Sinclair and Natalie. “Good luck, “whispered Natalie about an hour later as Mr. Sinclair turned into Natasja’s school. They hadn’t spoken to each other throughout the journey and the blessing only served to increase her anxiety. Kissing her sister on the cheek she told her thanks and rejoined the real world, where no one was going to be there to soften a blow when it came headed her way. Natasja went to class, not ready to be harassed but having nowhere else to wander to. All chatter ceased as she walked into her class, everyone staring at her. Giving a fake smile to signal everything was okay, Natasja found her seat. Getting all her thing together Natasja rested her bag on the floor. The class didn’t seem to get the message as persons still stared blatantly at her. Annoyance bloomed in the pit of her stomach but she wouldn’t let her emotions control her. Get Set. A female teacher walked into our classroom with an authoritative demeanor; judgment time. Natasja felt a bead of sweat running down her back, she didn’t feel ready. The teacher introduced herself as Mrs. Ryrie and instructed the class to place folder paper, pens, pencils and

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo a stapler on their respective desks and place their bags and other unnecessary things at the front. The class seemed agitated but none so much as Natasja. Her head burnt as it drummed incessantly. Maybe she wasn’t ready yet. The Geography exam began, her fears both warranted and unwarranted. The questions varied…all required great thought. Memorizing information without understanding the information would have ensured failure and Natasja was beyond gratefully for her ability to interpret what she read. Answering question after question, Natasja finally met her demise, map reading and more specially sketch drawing. Fiddling the with the pencil in her hand, she thought of skipping the question and sure enough, that was what he would have done if she hadn’t seen the mark awarded to that one, solitary question; 15 marks. Pummeling her head into the desk before her, she answered the question, praying for at least half of the mark. Questions came after that which Natasja was very unsure over but biting her lip and closing her hand more firmly around the pencil, she answered each question. Closing her eyes at the end of the exam, she whispered, “Forte… the brave may falter but never yield.” Go. Natasja couldn’t believe she had done it; she had done her Geography exam. Her head felt light, her heart aflutter, everything felt right. Truthfully, Natasja didn’t know how she did on the exam but at least she knew she did it. “Jessica, Tatiana, hold up!” shouted Natasja eagerly, she needed to do something and she would need help. Jessica and Tatiana looked as forlorn as Natasja had ever seen the pair. “What are you so happy about?” Noticing that it might not be the best time to seem on top of the world, she got straight to the point, “I need your help with something.” Not giving the two all the information but what was absolutely necessary, Natasja decided that maybe this week might not be so bad afterwards. Trace Tables, stupid tray tables… Natasja wanted to scream. Information Technology was the second exam for the day and it had completely murdered her. Half the stuff that was on the exam wasn’t even in the textbook, she had checked…Skipping sections had been the order of the exam, do this section, skip this, do next section, skip that… it had been a lousy, intolerable cycle that Natasja hadn’t known how to break. Jessica, Tatiana and Natasja were at one in their expressions…murderous. If they heard a next class chatting about how easy the IT exam was, they were going to explode. The exams inched by slowly. Exams presented themselves in many forms, all made to trick and deceive the recipients. Some appeared easy to Natasja until she checked the marks awarded to that simple question and leaped away in fright. That was what happened on the last day of exams when Natasja was both anxious and apprehensive to do the History exam. The exam was divided into three

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo parts: 10 multiple-choice questions, a short answer section, and the gruesome essay section. Prepared to do the Russian Revolution along with World War1, which was worth twenty-five marks out of a possible fifty marks. However, upon answering the first two sections without much difficulty, the heartache began. She was unable to explain a section under the Russian Revolution that was worth 15 marks. To make matters worse, Natasja was not confident that she could answer all questions in the WW1 section appropriately. For one particular question under WW1 it asked a question Natasja had no difficulty answering in a couple of sentences but the question was worth 8 valuable marks. The tragedy began where Natasja had to make choices that could end up ruining the exam for her. By the end of the last day, Natasja felt sorely tested. Natasja rested her head on her desk at the end of her final exam- Mathematics. Her head pounded as possible errors floated through her mind. All sixteen exams that Natasja took seemed to cackle ominously in her mind, as her head began to throb harshly, claiming inevitable failure. Natasja didn’t want to imagine failing a single exam because she knew that it would be the end of her time at Broderick and she couldn’t bear to leave after going through so much hardship. Still, in moments of weakness the offending thoughts ran around in her head causing Natasja to feel a great magnitude of fear and apprehension; her world revolved around the exams she had done in that week and it scared her more than she could ever say. As the invigilator collected the papers Natasja felt unwanted tears threatening to fall to her face; weakening her. It was almost as though the exam was the final straw, the point where she couldn’t take any more hardships. Natasja didn’t know why she felt so weak and vulnerable but she knew without a doubt that she was going to break down in a matter of moments. She needed to leave, she couldn’t allow anyone to see her like this, as unprotected as a newborn baby. Natasja felt torn and exhausted. Now that exams were over, she felt lost, inadequate and insubstantial with nothing to do and nothing to look for. Her life was empty, a black canvas that was smudged beyond recognition that nothing was left but a blur; nothing real. So far she had screwed up her life and nothing was really left but the carcass of dreams that she would most likely have to give up and friends she had lost in her journey to be wanted and accepted; irony sucked. Crying into her arms in a fetal position in the bathroom stall, the tears gates exploded as Natasja found herself with nothing before her and everything behind her. “Tahj?” whispered a barely recognizable voice. Natasja didn’t hear her at first but as a knocking sounded at the stall door, she lifted her head in surprise and then her face clouded in confusion and lost

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo dreams. It was Rebecca, her timid, caring being sounding as though it were afraid to speak above a whisper soft tenor. Natasja didn’t know how to respond or if she should respond; she didn’t know what to do. “I know you are there, Tahj” spoke Becca taking a deep breath before she continued in a firmer voice, finally getting her bearings, “ Please, Tahj what’s wrong? You know you can trust me.” Natasja remained resolutely still, unsure of what to do. In a softer voice that Natasja didn’t hear, she whispered what she had been afraid to say before, “I want to help you; you’re my best friend.” Rebecca’s admission was left unheard as Natasja replied, “I am okay Rebecca, and if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t tell you. You should go back to your friends before they find you missing.” Opening the door to emphasize her brutally stated lie, she saw Rebecca’s turmoil clearly printed on her face and continued in a softer voice, “I after all am just garbage, you are the class pet, someone who will always be loved unlike me.” Tears flowed down both girls’ faces as Natasja tried to get rid of Rebecca and Rebecca tried to console her friend only to feel shunned. Natasja saw Rebecca’s indignation but she was like a guy on his deathbed, with nothing to lose and only heartache and suffering to endure. “I needed you, Becca but you were too weak to notice, Zhane too stubborn to help. You knew better than anyone else and you left me with no one in my corner. I deserted you, I admit, I didn’t recognize you in the euphoria of a fake happiness over finding a guy but you gave me up and spared my heart when you replaced me with Lillian, didn’t bother to call me when you found out I had been in hospital , you chose to lose me; when all along I needed you! I needed my best friends to see that I was still there, I was still beneath all of the foul wrappings and you didn’t see, you didn’t want to see. I could have very well died did you know that? I almost died near Hellshire. I needed support, I needed protection but what I found was abandonment and complete desertion. So leave, I don’t blame you for everything that happened to me but you could have at least called me once and you didn’t. That’s all I needed, just one call and guess what? The stupid call didn’t come. So Leave, goodbye. I need no one. I came into this world by my self and I will leave that way!” Natasja stormed, crying and practically throwing the words at fragile, innocent Rebecca without care. She had passed her limit, she was beyond this, she was beyond caring, and she was beyond believing anyone would actually care. Who needed people, who needed to live? Natasja didn’t. Rebecca flamed, all innocence abandoned as rage anger and false accusation hit her. Tears flowed down her face of pain of hopelessness and of pure disbelief. “Are you serious? Do not dare

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo accuse me like that!” Rebecca screamed furiously as she crumpled to the floor in pain. “I ABSOLUTELY WOULD NOT HAVE LEFT YOU IF YOU HAD’NT THOUGHT US NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU AND EVEN AFTER THAT YOU GAVE A STUPID, PHONY APOLOGY TO ZHANE AND I. YOU WERE AND STILL ARE NO MATTER WHAT FOOLISH, INCONCEIVABLE GARBAGE YOU DO OR DID, MT BEST FRIEND. I LOVE YOU LIKE A SISTER AND YOU Betrayed me. OKAY? YOU REPLACED ME AND ZHANE WITH JESSICA AND TATIANA AND GUESS WHO ENDED UP GETTING YOU ON THE FRONT LINE FOR GETTING AN EXPULSION, IT WASN’T ME, IT WAS TATIANA. AND EVEN SO, YOU WERE NEVER ALONE; THOSE TWO GIRLS ACTUALLY DO CARE ABOUT YOU. ANYTIME YOU EVER FEEL TO RAMPAGE LIKE A COMPLETE JACK BUNNY DO NOT SAY THAT YOU ARE ALONE. PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS GIVEN YOU A SECOND CHANCE AND YOU KEEP WASTING IT, NEVER ACCEPTING WHO YOU ARE AND NEVER REALIZING THAT YOU HAVE A WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU AND WOULD WILLINGLY FIGHT YOUR BATTLES FOR YOU!” Rebecca looked crazy, her body shaking as though she were going through an epilepsy and Natasja sat down there on the bathroom floor, forced to listen to the quietest girl she had ever met screaming her lungs out furiously to what Natasja should have known long ago. “You are an ungrateful, unappreciative girl who had everything EXCEPT the decency to cherish it.” Swiping her hands over her eyes to wipe off the tears, she shook her head sadly at Natasja and left the bathroom. (Zhane) Zhane watched as Natasja sprinted out of the class, trying not to care that something might be wrong. She didn’t feel that bad looking away, Natasja was only bad news. Packing up her own things, Zhane engaged Lillian into conversation. When Rebecca came back in after following Natasja, with tears clearly marked down her face; Zhane tried to comfort her. Zhane knew without asking that Natasja had done serious damage to the meek and gentle Rebecca and she couldn’t help. It was nearly impossible to imagine Rebecca ever recovering but she said nothing so dream-shattering. What was going to happen to her dearest friend? If Natasja could hear what was Rebecca lasts thoughts before leaving the bathroom she would have known that Natasja had always been her role model, her anchor, her support, her best friend and the one person so far who could make her scream her heart out. However, Natasja could not hear such thoughts and could only ponder Rebecca’s words as she did what she found herself doing so often- falling into a pit of self-misery.

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Life sucked but it would always continue to drive on. Picking herself from off the floor she scrubbed her face with her hands and soap water. “Are you done making an ass of yourself?” The query caught her off guard as she soaped her face up causing her eyes to pop open in alarm. She hadn’t known anyone was in the bathroom. Natasja winced in pain as soap escaped her lashes to enter her eyes. Barking out a mild expletive, she washed her face off without saying a word. Would she ever get a break? “Why do you always have to make such stupid mistakes?” asked the quite familiar voice again. Looking up hesitantly, Natasja saw Brenda. Brenda looked exactly the same as she normally did but Natasja could tell that they weren’t as close as before. “I don’t know what you are talking about, Bre but get a grip.” Disgust briefly marred Brenda’s pretty, golden honey complexion, but it quickly vanished, leaving a steely certainty in her eyes. Natasja felt uncertain for the first time around her timid, tomboyish friend and she didn’t exactly like it. “What’s going on Brenda? You don’t look too good.” A sad, almost pitying smile crossed Brenda’s face as she replied casually, “Don’t worry Tahj; I’ll definitely get a grip.” Shocked, bewildered, confused, uncertain…all those emotions vanished as cold terror seized her, dumb. Brenda dragged Natasja unto the sink counter, pushing her head into the sink. Natasja’s mind seemed to go in slow motion as she saw the white sink right in front of her eyes, the drain the centre point of her vision. Water spurted unto her hair and Natasja felt the cool, water slither down her face and into her eyes, nose and mouth; successfully blinding and gagging her. Coughing up the water, Natasja tried to twist free of her restraint but Brenda pulled on her, giving her a mild reprieve as water seized to flow through her hair. “Tahj, help me out here. I’m trying to help you but I don’t know how….why do you continuously try to hurt the people who like you?” came Brenda’s slightly muffled query. Through the fog that was forming inside of Natasja’s head, realization suddenly struck. “You idiot…couldn’t you have found a better way to lecture me? I hate water!” Dunking her head once more into the sink, Brenda ensured that the water went directly into her face. Spluttering unintelligibly, Natasja began to cry. When Brenda finally lifted her head up a few minutes later, Natasja felt hopeless and completely vulnerable. “Why do this to me? Why torture me? I’ve done nothing to you!” croaked Natasja, trying to gain valuable air. Brenda stepped back slightly, allowing Natasja to turn around. “Bitch…you might not think you hurt anyone but what about your best friends? What about your classmates, what about Joshua? What about everyone who cares for you? “ “Rebecca might have left you to ponder or whatever but I’m not leaving. I’m not going to watch you hurt someone else.” Swiveling

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo around violently Natasja pushed Brenda to the floor. “I really don’t care for anything you have to say okay. I really thought you were my friend but which friend of mine would try to use water as a weapon against me knowing that I hate water. I have nearly drowned about 3 times and I don’t need your help accomplishing the task, so just back the hell off and leave me alone.” Blood ran down the corner of Brenda’s mouth but Natasja couldn’t take anymore drama. She stormed out of the bathroom with her school bag and went over to Yamane center. Natalie was not going to pay the price for her not being totally happy and bountiful; she was going to get her a date. Cleaning herself up in the Yamane bathroom first, she bought herself a large fries at KFC with a small grape soda, she began her investigation. Looking around the seating area, Natasja tried to look for a guy with dark hair, smoky blue eyes that saw into your soul and a tall athletic build. The description left much to be desired because there were countless dark haired guys around the place and she really did not want to go soul searching. Searching aimlessly, her eyes locked on a familiar face, it was the guy with the familiar voice. Natasja found that she just couldn’t bear to take her eyes off the black Adonis. A tad bit embarrassed as his eyes met hers, she tried to think of something else apart from the way he looked. Biting her lip in concentration, she tried hard to focus but it was hard. Suddenly a drop dead gorgeous guy with all the qualifications to match Chase went to the black Adonis’ table. Oh crap! Breaking the stare fest up, she took a seat. Calling Natalie on her phone she quickly gave the description of the guy she had just seen along with seeing a black Adonis. Natalie confirmed that it might just be Chase and Natasja had to hang up as she went into a babbling spree about how great the guy was. Natasja opened her diary from her bag momentarily, she wrote down a quote. July 31,2009, If you’re pushed into an uncomfortable corner, don’t get too comfy, fight back. Taking in a deep, fortifying breath, Natasja walked over to the table that had about five guys in Calabar, KC and or George’s uniforms. Black Adonis and possible Chase McDonnell were among the group of guys. “Um, sorry to interrupt you guys, but could I have a sec?” She had the unmistakable urge to scratch her forehead and knees as she stood up before the guy’s table, totally nervous. The guys gave her their attention, a Calabar guy who looked reasonably attractive but had a huge nose smirked, disgracefully. Desperately wanting to roll her eyes after the idiot she turned to Chase, firmly ignoring BA. Let’s get it over with, she thought. “Um, could I speak with you for sec?” asked Natasja, hoping like hell that he wouldn’t be a jerk. All the time she pleaded with her eyes she firmly kept her eyes away from the guy who really had her attention. “Hey, you are that girl my sister knocked into, right?”

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Cursing a million expletives in her head, she turned her gaze towards BA. How come people seem to talk to you when you so desperately wanted them to be ignorant idiots? “Yeah, I totally forgot about that… wow, I’m Natasja,” she replied politely holding out her hand to shake his. He looked at her, a curious, almost detached atmosphere surrounding him. “Giovanni, I am sorry about my sister.” Chase got up from his seat and as he excused himself I walked back to my seat. Feeling much more comfortable with him by himself, Natasja relaxed visibly. “Wow that was awkward. I want to ask you to the movies… so I guess I should ask… Do you maybe want to go to the movies on Saturday?” stumbled Tahj, maybe she was still a bit nervous. Chase smiled, not exactly believing what he was hearing. “I am shocked, and I am happy you asked but you are not my type,” replied Chase ever-so sweetly. Natasja forced a smile but after about two seconds it became real as she burst out laughing. Things were going magnificently wrong. “I am sorry; really, I gave you the wrong impression there. I am not interested in you that way; you are safe on that score. I can’t really explain what I was asking you but just please say yes. Pretty please and I am not, do not think I am begging a date. I would feel totally embarrassed.” “Sure, at 7 o’clock.” Relief flooded Natasja, “thank you. You will not regret it. Oh and is your friend Gio dating anyone?” (Chase) “…Oh and is your friend Gio dating anyone?” If Chase hadn’t been shocked before, he certainly was now. What was going on with this girl? Chase had only accepted the date because he didn’t want her to feel too bad, she looked at little damaged to him. Not in a psychotic way, she seemed genuinely nice but seemed to have gone through some serious hardship. He was not really sure what she was getting at and so replied cautiously, “Maybe, why do you ask?” “Forget it, later, thanks for saying yes. It’s going to be an awesome blind date, I promise!” Blind date?! Taking up her stuff, the girl hurried up the stairs before he could call to her. What had he gotten himself into? Informing his friends about what had just transpired, he became a little curious. Who had he just accepted a date with?

Happy to have finally done something nice for her sister, she walked over to the bus stop. Natasja was happy that today hadn’t been a totally messed up day, only a mega swirly roll coaster that had threatened her sanity. The great thing was that helping her sister meant more to her than fighting with some of her close friends. At least she had fries to cheer her mood up. 57

Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Looking up the road, she checked if any buses were coming but what she saw made her overly-wary. Brenda. Rolling her eyes heavenwards, she prayed the lord would remove the girl from her line of sight before she pounded her. At the moment, Natasja hated Brenda and thought of her as a malicious reptile that didn’t care if she broke her friend’s only barrier. Turning around, she hissed her teeth. Brenda, who had never taken a bus in her entire privileged life was heading to her bus stop, WTH did she want? “Natasja, your friend is upstairs in her class bawling her face out, will you please help her?” The malice in her voice was barely controlled, her face a cool mask of inquiry. Natasja didn’t respond, she told herself that she didn’t care that she hurt anyone; they deserved it. “Natasja, listen to me, your friend needs you more than she has ever needed you before, help her.” There was an unmistakable edge to her voice, a pleading desperation evident in her eyes. “Go away and if you care so much, help her yourself. My bus will be here any minute.” Natasja saw the threatening gleam, barely concealed in Brenda’s eyes, the way her face hardened into a stony unrepentant, mask; Brenda was on the verge of losing control. Rolling her eyes in annoyance she decided to stop the fracas. “Okay, I will call Rebecca. Happy?” A sneer so evil, Natasja had to step back in fear crossed Brenda’s usually peaceful face making her look like death’s reincarnated. ‘Woo girl, back off a little. Take a deep breath.” Before Natasja could utter a next word, she was dragged unceremoniously across the street and into Yamane to the food court, avoiding the blatantly curious pedestrians at the bus stop with them. Natasja looked at Brenda, question written all over her face. Brenda gave a humorless laugh at her ignorance…at her utter remarkable lack of character. “Darling, you were not the only person going through hardship in your class, Zhane was, Tatiana was, man, a lot of people needed you. I needed you but you were so wrapped up in your own troubles that you didn’t notice the world wasn’t revolving around you.” Natasja rolled her eyes, not trying to listen, first Rebecca and now Brenda. Who else would curse her for her selfishness? Natasja decided to humor her ex-friend. “How precisely did all of these people need me?” A look of pained rejection flitted across Brenda’s face as though she had lost something very dear to her and Natasja became contrite wondering what was she had done so terribly wrong to her oldest friend. “Brenda, what did I do wrong?” Natasja wanted to heal her friend’s clear pain but didn’t know precisely how or if she should at all. Had she really abandoned them, in their time of need? The thought hurt more than any dagger could have, she could clearly see that she had and now Rebecca was destroyed emotionally. “Oh God.”

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Natasja head fell to unto the table in distress; she was drowning in a pit of her own making. Sobs struggled mightily in her chest but she didn’t deserve to sob, it was time to stop being a self-centered ass and look what she was doing to the people around her. The story Brenda told her was enough to make her want to sentence herself to prison in a straight jacket. Pain, not for her, but for her friends engulfed Natasja’s wounded heart crushing her lungs of all air and making her feel wretched. Brenda told her about how Rebeca was failing languages and how her father beat her ill because of her grades. Brenda didn’t tell Natasja that she could have helped Rebecca like she normally did with her homework and studying; she only recited the gruesome facts. Zhane had a hard time helping Rebecca because she was busy with her SBA’s and CXC’s in two subjects. Rebecca was hard to teach because she thought she knew everything and Natasja was the only one with the time and patience to teach her but she was there and now Rebecca was struggling with her SBA’s, flunking them in fact. Without the SBA’s she couldn’t do her CXC’s and she couldn’t graduate or go to college. Rebecca was doomed and Natasja had been her one anchor that had drifted far out of reach. There was a moment of silence as Natasja digested the information, as she stumbled through her own grave. Looking at Brenda, she felt all her anguish diminishing to leave her sad and forlorn with questions still hanging in the air. “Brenda, what happened to you?” Natasja tried to make it sound light and casual as she continued, “What would make sensible Brenda, here, lose her cool enough to almost drown an aqua phobic girl, huh?” Brenda previously with her eyes looking distant and pained looked up slowly at Natasja with the saddest, most heartbreaking smile on her face as she replied, “You. Just as how Rebecca needed you, I needed you but in a different way. I didn’t need your help or you pity, what I needed from you was to be there and tell me I was doing okay. That’s all I ever needed from you.” Natasja felt her jaws drop open in surprise and she had good reason to, Brenda needed no one, she was strong, determined and unself-conscious. “You are kidding me right?” “No, I am not, you might not realize it but the way you were before was good enough for everyone around you. You were the only one who felt you needed to change; we loved you for being you and helping out people and having your little sarcastic humor. It was you.” Natasja felt a different type of sadness, a nicer kind of sadness. She was sad because she was sorry she didn’t see that she was okay. Before either of them could think of something else that needed to be said, they hugged like two sailors finding shore after a terrible

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo storm. They sat thereat the table, weeping in each other’s arms. The ghost was clear. “So what are you going to do?” Natasja and Brenda walked out of Yamane Center together. Natasja felt dazed as though too many things were happening in too little time and her brain wasn’t able to cope with the data. “What do you mean?” Brenda looked at her sternly, the sensible, reliable friend back where she belonged. Natasja smiled, the sun no longer shone brightly on her face, she had to correct a few mishaps. “I’m not sure how things are going to go with me but I have this friend that you may know and she needs me greatly,” she remarked slyly with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. She wasn’t dead yet. Brenda smiled knowingly, “Then what are you waiting for?” Natasja really didn’t know.

How far will you go ? (Life is funny, life is complicated, life is gruesome, and life tortures; but is it worth all your energy? You decide) Chapter 8 (Rebecca) Rebecca felt totally and utterly depleted. Her life was taking a major turn for the worse and she didn’t know how to stop it. She knew she couldn’t blame Natasja for her own incompetence. She was a failure and her family knew it, she knew it and even though Zhane didn’t say it, she knew it too. What was she going to do? She had lost her friend, she had lost her main confidante, she had fallen down in her work dramatically, and she had failed her SBA’s. What more could possibly go wrong? Crying made her head hurt painfully and that caused her to cry more. She wasn’t alone, she knew that, but Zhane was restricted, bound, and unhelpful to say the least. Zhane desperately wanted to help but she blocked herself from everyone in such a way that no one could reach her fully. She had an emotional wall around herself. She could laugh, she could tell jokes, and she could be mean but whenever someone got too close, barriers as big as the Mississippi River would form around her. Rebecca knew that Zhane couldn’t block her out completely, but enough to make her feel desolate. “I am doomed,” squeaked Rebecca tearfully. She couldn’t look forward to a bright future; she couldn’t look forward to too much of anything. She had grown up privileged, pampered by everyone who met her. She was like a baby to everyone, nothing more, incapable of being anything else. Any chance she had to change people’s opinion of her was gone.

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Someone cleared his or her throat behind her; Zhane who saw the person hugged Rebecca tighter. “I owe alot of people an apology but before I go on a repentance spree, I need to talk to Rebecca.” Natasja stood in the doorway, afraid to walk inside her own classroom; her classmates were crowding around Rebecca like an army, Zhane the commander. Staying extremely close to the tearful Rebecca, Zhane demanded, “Don’t you think you owe Rebecca one? Look at her and its all because of you and your self-centered preoccupations. Go away!” Looking at Rebecca who looked like a half drowned rat in a storm, Natasja felt her heart turning over, Natasja almost turned tailed and left ut she could not. She had to help her friend; she had not been cursed twice in one hour and nearly drowned to back out. “I am not leaving until I tell Rebecca something. Zhane just ease off a little, huh?” Rebecca sat there, surrounded by her class and yet knowing she was alone, they wouldn’t be there for her in a month, they wouldn’t be there for her in a year, they would be gone by summer’s end; forgotten like a summer’s fling. She was wary of what Natasja had to say to her, she was afraid that by walking out that door, she would find that there was no ground and she would fall, finally fall, with no way of getting back up. It all counted down to whether or not she wanted to stay in her little cocoon, knowing it was tenacious at best or walk out that door and talk to Natasja, knowing she was likely to be more devastated. It all came up to that one choice. She knew that she should stay, that was what she would have done normally but now she realized that she needed to be there for herself…so what was her choice? “Thanks, Zhane, thanks guys, I am gonna check out what Tahj has to say.” Getting up with as much determination as she could muster, Rebecca walked out of her class and into a world of uncertainty.

Natasja didn’t know how things would work out but she knew she had to figure something out. Rebecca was depending on her. Fourth form results were out. Looking at them dismally, she tried to get answers for questions she did not know. Name: Rebecca Sanchez Macintosh Class: 4-3 Amount of Students in class: 40 Position in Class: 40 Term: Summer Term Percentage: 61% Subject

T

E

Con

Teacher’s Comment

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo e r m

x a m

duc t

Mathematic s

8 0 %

5 6 %

4

Inconsistent performance.

English Language

7 0 %

7 2 %

4

Needs to pay attention in class.

English Literature

9 2 %

4 3 %

4

Needs to do her own work.

Spanish

7 5 %

7 6 %

2

Strive for excellence instead of mediocre.

French

1 %

7 0 %

3

Needs to do her own work, capable of excellence.

Biology

9 0 %

3 4 %

4

Needs to be more attentive.

Chemistry

5 6 %

4 5 %

4

Lazy and participate.

not

Physics

6 0 %

5 2 %

4

Capable of results but effort.

delivering great laziness hinders

Information technology

9 0 %

8 9 %

1

Continue to excellence.

Geography

7 8 %

6 7 %

2

Capable of much more.

willing

strive

to

for

Term: 20% Exam70% Conduct10% Conduct: 1-excellent 2-very good 3-needs improvement 4- poor Principal’s comments::

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Rebecca is capable of doing well but her personality hinders her potential gravely. Performance is not satisfactory to remain at Broderick Academy. It is hoped that Rebecca will learn from previous mistakes and to try to succeed in future endeavors. Name: Natasja Nicosia Cassia Class: 4-3 Amount of students in class: 40 Position in class: 25 Term: Summer Percentage: 75%

Subject Mathema tics

Term 87%

Exam 95%

Conduct 1

Teachers’ Comments Strive for excellence.

English Language

70%

87%

4

Needs to stay focused.

English Literature

60%

88%

4

Needs to pay attention in class.

Spanish

67%

100%

4

Capable of more.

French

78%

99%

4

Biology

70%

90%

4

Chemistr y

80%

85%

4

A less than satisfactory term from an excellent linguist. Capable of doing much more Capable of doing much more

Physics

60%

70%

4

Informati on technolog y

70%

85%

4

Geograph y

60%

80%

2

Mediocre attempts from a excellent student Intelligent student not willing to put out the effort

A brilliant last attempt but a dismal all rounder. Strive for excellence.

Term: 20% Exam70% Conduct10% Conduct: 1-excellent 2-very good 3-needs improvement 4- poor

Principal’s comments::

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Natasja has proven over the years to be a diligent and capable student and this term’s report has come as a shock as she is capable of much more. Natasja needs to stay focused and absolutely needs to stay out of trouble in the future. It has been a disgraceful term on the part of Natasja and hopefully next year she will strive to be the old Natasja. Natasja is currently on a warning; one foul move and she will be expelled. Rebecca seemed to have been doing better in the term than in the actual exams, which meant that she had cheated. Natasja didn’t really want to mull over her sordid grades. The fact of the matter was that Rebecca was expelled and Natasja was staying. No matter how difficult the months ahead would be, Natasja couldn’t allow Rebecca to fight alone. “Tahj, what are you thinking?” Natasja looked up from her bed to see Natalie at the door of her room. Rolling over to make space for her on the bed, Natasja sat up. “Just wandering a bit about school,” she waved her right hand in a careless fashion. “So, what’s up with you and that guy, Chase?” asked Natasja, changing the subject. Natalie took the hint. Natalie told her about how the movies went and how Chase was so sweet and caring. “It was the best date ever, thanks a mil,” gushed Natalie merrily, hugging her sister like a straight jacket. “Ease off, I’d like to live!” joked Natasja, not minding the hug at all. “What did you do? At first he looked shocked that I was his date and then he seemed relieved!” Natasja smiled, she could only imagine the scene. “Let’s just say, Chase was very easy to mislead and happily, muy compassionate!” The two sisters bavardent a while longer as they gossiped about their love lives or in Natasja’s case, lack thereof; and simply had fun. Natasja felt happy to be in her sister’s lively company but she knew she had work to do. Ending the conversation on a chirpy note, Natasja claimed fatigue.

Four weeks later. “Becca, please stop complaining and do the work! What is Economics? You don’t know… It is the first question in the stinking syllabus! Focus!” shouted Natasja annoyed. Rolling her eyes dramatically she ignored Natasja again. That was how it had become. Rebecca was no longer the docile sponge, willing to absorb any and everything; she was like a rock stone that was firm in its ways. Cursing inwardly, Natasja felt like she wanted to explode. They made a volatile team with their messed up personalities, fierce and demanding Natasja 64

Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo who was easily angered and pig-headed Rebecca who was un-willing to give Natasja a chance. Natasja didn’t know what to do; she was trying no technique that she used to help Rebecca learn something appeared to be working. “Qué tan grave puede ser la muerte?” recited Rebecca fake sweetly. Natasja screwed up her face in confusion, “What?” Looking directly at Natasja, Rebecca repeated it in English…“ So serious what can be the death?” Natasja tried to remain detached, tried to stay reasonable, what was the girl’s problem? Her eyelids twitched involuntarily as she tried to hold on to her sanity by a thin line. “How cute, define economics…the book is in front of you.” That’s how it went, each day; Rebecca pushed and pushed at Natasja, willing her to break down. Each day, Natasja barely managed to hang on. Studying became an impossible feat and it was slowly breaking Natasja down, not the constant torment but the lack of progress. Natasja had a minor headache by the end of the fifth week. She tried taking painkillers but the pain only briefly faded. With each meeting with Rebecca it got worse, the intensity driving her ballistic. Painkillers were her best friends and the one above knew that was a sad state to be in. Natasja and Rebecca were at the Emancipation Park. Rebecca thought it would be a fabulous idea to try out a new setting, enjoy the setting a little. Natasja didn’t really enjoy anything, the sun was murderous on her skin and her head was starting up again. “This place seems great, the place looks so magical!” exclaimed Rebecca winningly, Natasja feared desperately the reason for her statement, “I think I am going over to the statue, can you take a pic of me?” Natasja scratched her hair, feigning immense thought, and reluctantly saying, “No, I think I’ll stay.” Rolling her eyes, Rebecca walked away. Life was so much easier without the girl. Let’s do this, let do that, why not take a hike? ECONOMICS August 9, 2009 Economics is the study of the use of limited productive resources in a society to satisfy the unlimited desires of its members. This simply means that Economics realizes that people in a society want a lot of things, of which they cannot afford all of them. Seeing this problem where there are a lot of desires but not a lot of resources such as money, they try to help break down the desires into wants and needs, where the member is required to make choices on what to give up in order to gain. The terminology for giving up one desire for another using the same available resource is called opportunity cost. When speaking about opportunity cost, we think about the production

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo possibility frontier where it illustrates the maximum possible allocation of production of two goods using the same resources. The main focus of economics is scarcity where there is not enough resources to satisfy the unlimited desires in society. The proper definition however is the imbalance between our desires and the means of satisfying those desires, thus the need to make choices which provide a resource at the expense of another. Economics is based on maneuvering around scarcity so that the members of societies’ needs are met. There are three main sectors in an economy, the primary, secondary and the tertiary sector. The primary sector is based on the use or extraction of raw materials. The secondary sector is involved with developing raw materials. The tertiary sector uses intangible resources to form services, such as, libraries, banks etc. Economy is the mechanism through which the use of labour, land, equipment, structures and vehicles and natural resources is organized to satisfy the desire of those who live in a society. … “What are you doing?” asked a petulant Rebecca a few minutes later. Looking up annoyed, she gave her a nasty look, “What do you think I am doing?” Rebecca mocked fear, stepping back with a scandalized expression on her face, “What’s wrong with you?” Natasja cringed internally, wondering if she would ever get a break. “Don’t go there Rebecca, don’t push me,” struggled Natasja through clenched teeth. Rebecca looked shocked, playing the innocent victim. “What are you talking about, you are going off on a rampage over nothing,” said Rebecca sweetly and walked away. Natasja felt a tad murderous and she was willing to admit it. She couldn’t take it; she could not take being made a fool of on a regular basis by someone she was trying to help. She desperately wanted to take-up her things and leave the park, forgetting about Rebecca forever, but she knew she shouldn’t; she couldn’t- she was obligated to help. Natasja wanted to release her aggravation but she couldn’t, she was trapped. A solitary tear slid down her face, she was losing control. In the distance, beside the track, Rebecca stood watching, a smile curving her lips. She wanted to make her feel pain. The thought made a lot of sense but the question was why? Natasja went home with a headache that murdered her brains to mush. She couldn’t think clearly, her mind seemed to be in a fog but she tried to stay focused. The bus ride home crucified her. She felt nauseous, her throat clogging up. When the bus deposited her at her stop, she barely made it off the bus. Natasja didn’t make it to her house before she fell to the ground retching. Something was ghastly wrong.

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Heaving, Natasja’s body realized there was nothing left to throw up and she took in precious air. Running home as quickly as possible Natasja tried to find solitude but it became blatantly clear as she stepped into the house that it would be very hard. Natalie’s friends were everywhere including her room. “What happened to you?” asked a nameless face as Natasja shooed her out of her room. Closing the door she prayed for a respite. Natasja didn’t tell anyone what happened that day; she tried to ignore it, hoping and praying that it would go away. For about a week, nothing else bad happened except seeing Rebecca. On those occasions, her head would pound like crazy but nothing happened. Too bad she was only given a respite, not a clean bill of health…two weeks later, all hell broke loose. Natasja had waited until after dinner on Sunday to announce the news, news that would breed disappointment and anger. They all sat in the living room, the television unusually off and no radio to soften the blow. There were no distractions, only quite, explosive stillness. Natasja felt her heart beating ten times as quickly as usual. Could she handle her decision? Was she doing the right thing? Her parents sat expectantly in the three seater sofa; Natalie was at a friend’s home. Natasja released the bomb to numerous explosions of anger and disbelief; her mother going into a near frenzy. “I am dropping out of school.” The words echoed like a million storms, leaving devastation in its wake. “Will you stop asking me a million and one questions about why I am doing this,” begged Natasja to her foster parents who looked stricken. Natasja’s foster mother was crying in the settee, her face a mask of pain, disappointment and defeat. Natasja really wished that they wouldn’t look at her like that. She didn’t want to be in her current situation. She was stressed beyond belief. She felt to give up on the catty Rebecca and call it a day knowing she had a second chance. She wasn’t the one being expelled. She wanted to do that but she couldn’t. Somewhere deep down she knew she had to face this challenge Rebecca posed with all its obstacles and try to overcome it. She wasn’t a baby anymore, she had to take responsibility for all the things she had done; and in this case, all the things she hadn’t done. “I need to do this for myself and for Rebecca.” Mr. Sinclair tried to argue the point over with Natasja listening to each word spoken, knowing them to be true and losing her strength but not her determination. “Isn’t she the girl that has been annoying you on a daily basis, glorifying in your pain. How could you help someone who doesn’t want to be helped? She is not your friend anymore, that friendship is long gone; you are both different people looking for different things now. She needs to be able to stand up for herself and do what is required to survive, leave her be!” The word’s

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo sunk in like a funeral bell’s toll, chiming her obstacles, chiming her away but …not chiming her defeat. “That is why I need to do it; no one is on her side. No one is willing to help her. Her parents have practically given up all hope of seeing her succeed. She is alone with nothing to lose; do you know how painful that is? I will not lose faith in her. She’s acting unusually catty because she is in pain, that’s all. “ “We are not allowing you to quit school…that’s final, Rebecca or no Rebecca; you need to get your priorities straight.” Natasja had already known the score before and she knew exactly how she was going to forgo school. That was yesterday, did she believe what she said was true today? Not so much. Her headache had started back, but she paid it no mind, taking pain-killers to take off the bite. Natasja was over Rebecca’s place. The room was a mess, books scattered everywhere, a majority being romance novels. Rebecca’s parents were no where in sight. The thing about everything was that Natasja felt as though she had come full circle in a way but this time Rebecca took center stage. Back when it was her turn, Natasja had first been at Helshire with no one there to help her, only her and her dementer. He had sucked the life and happiness out of her and her parents hadn’t even been there to help, no one had been there to help, par a lone soul that had carried her to the hospital and sat with her. Everyone else had been a distant dream. Now Rebecca was alone, expelled from her only home, away from all her friends. She had no one by her side except the one person who had let her down the most. That’s how Natasja got through Rebecca’s catty words and innuendo; by trying to empathize with her. The weeks went by and her headache became a dull constant throb. It was now September the 3rd, and school was back in session. Her parents thought that they had won and even Natasja had to seriously question the wisdom of her choice. The truth was, she might have been too hasty. She needed to go to school to help herself, she couldn’t possibly endanger her life’s dream for someone she didn’t even like. She would be doomed to mortal hell. The day started out with Natasja in a pensive mood and by the time Natasja was seated for her first class she felt like an alien. She had no friends to keep her company; she had no one to talk to and everyone to be wary of. Zhane was making nasty gibes about her and no one tried to stop her. She was alone and extremely paranoid. At any moment someone might decide to hurt her and put pay to some of their unspoken threats. She was unwanted and very much endangered. No one, however, physically hurt her but she felt mentally broken and destroyed. Gibes followed her to classes, hatred stared back at her

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo from her schoolmate’s faces, even those she didn’t know and where were her friends like Brenda and Tatiana? They were on a different shift. The school seemed to want to inflict unbearable torture on her. With each jibe that came her way, she tightened her resolve to work hard and maybe some persons would cool off. The idea proved futile as the weeks passed. With each success she felt more ostracized and more despised. On the odd occasion, Natasja would see Tatiana who would give her an odd smile. That is all Natasja learnt to expect, outward hatred by her enemies and feared friends unable to help her. She was alone in a world packed with wolves. The most gruesome thing however was the feeling of being trapped. She was stuck at school due to her parents, she was a disappointment to her family, a nuisance to the person she was supposed to be helping and had nowhere to be without feeling like scum. When Natasja went to Rebecca’s to study with her, Rebecca’s attitude got worse with no hope of it getting better. Tantrums, ignorance, disappearances or disruption… they all filled Natasja’s sordid life with Rebecca. Natasja could not even figure out what the problem was; there was just a problem. Headaches, bitchiness, isolation, rejection, defeat…Natasja could not choose what she preferred but they were her constant friends. It was December before Natasja felt remotely human. She was at home studying, to keep abreast for next year, in a room with her headache reminding her of her meeting with Rebecca in a couple of hours. It was Chistmas break already and Rebecca was still a shrew. She was in her favorite blue and black floral dress that reached midthigh and was breezy. Laces practically kept the dress in place at the back of her neck in a neat bow-tie. She was studying Physics, her worst subject of late. It seemed she could never figure it out when the phone rang. It was an unusual occurrence since she had no friends and the only person that called her was Rebecca when she was prank calling her. “Halo?” “Hi, Tahj? It’s Brenda.” “Brenda? What’s up? Is something wrong?” there was a pause on the line. “Nothing is wrong; I just wanted to say hi,” replied Brenda in a decrescendo. Natasja was momentarily caught off guard. She wasn’t used to anyone wanting to say ‘hi’. She wasn’t used to talking to people without being defensive. “It’s December, couldn’t you have said hi before?” It was mean and she was sorry she had said it, she needed a friend.

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo “I’ve got to go.” The phone line went dead and Natasja felt to bite off her head. What had she done that for? As she mentally went over the call about a zillion times in her head she subsided thinking that at least she wasn’t totally forgotten or despised; at least she had not been. She went to her daily meeting with Rebecca in an unusually happier mood than she had been in for in ages. However, as was beginning to be usual, Rebecca listened not to her instructions or advice. Instead, she ignored her presence as though she didn’t exist. Within thirty minutes and twenty seconds of being around Rebecca she felt depressed and murderous. She had had enough, it was practically Christmas. “Will you please tell me what your problem is?”

Rebecca looked at Natasja, not really seeing her. She was consumed with hatred and intense dislike. Sadly the dislike wasn’t aimed at Natasja, however much she tried. The anger was aimed at herself and her family. She also disliked Natasja but that was for pitying her instead of helping her because she was her friend. There was no one really in her corner, her parents had abandoned her to fall where she may, treating her as they would a patient; indifferently. Once Natasja went back to school, no one would be there, she would be alone again and she wished Natasja would leave so that she didn’t have to get her hopes up. Day after day, Natasja just stayed, like a fungus, pretending that she cared when Rebecca saw the malice in her eyes. Rebecca was an obligation, a homework that needed to be done. She was not real to her; she was just a means to an end. It was sickening. And so the farce continued. Rebecca opened her red and white plaid hand bag with sprinkles all over it and took out her most recent romance novel. It was about this librarian who was being swept off her feet by a Greek tycoon. Totally ridiculous, but it was an escape. The novels provided what no one else did – comfort, security and a happyending; all the things her life lacked. There was no blissful ending. Life sucked, she was a drop-out who didn’t even have the excuse of being knocked up. At least then she would have somebody, even if it was a squealing baby. She was being bitchy, she knew that, but she couldn’t control it. She had no reason to control anything, she was a failure. A FAILURE, who was smart enough not to commit suicide, but dumb enough to fail school; that was her! “Will you please tell me what your problem is?” Rebecca smiled winningly. “What could possibly be wrong, I mean, it seems you don’t have a life and are sucking unto me like a life preserver since you have

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo no friends. Let’s study!” Clapping her hands for emphasis she started her novel. Maybe she would leave already. “Maybe we should talk. I am not a hypocrite and I seriously hate your catty remarks so could you stuff it.” Rebecca smiled sweetly; she was getting good at the whole bitchy thing. How fabulous.Not. “I guess the cat’s got a tongue after all.” Natasja stood up, picking up her things, most likely to leave. Fat chance, she was organizing her stuff that she had left messy for a reason. It was a symbol of her life story. “I guess you would know but you don’t have much of a bite, it’s really a shame. You could have given me lessons.” Rebecca threw down the books Natasja was trying to organize on the floor. “I would, but you’re an expert, please don’t tell me you are going in heat so soon. I guess that’s why you had to be in hospital so long… giving up the evidence.” There was complete and utter silence. Rebecca knew she had gone too far. Too bad. A snarl as vile as a sewage tank crossed Natasja’s face, she had finally broken. Words evaporated into thin air, as Natasja clawed her face, drawing blood. Screams filtered the air as both girls clawed each others faces, doing what they longed to do for so long. Expressing their hatred of their situation, expressing the indignity they felt surrounded them like a blanket; expressing their life’s story in the heat of the moment. The fatal blow to the fight came with a punch to Natasja’s head. In that moment the only thing one could hear was the deafening cry of someone going under, losing the fight within, in a matter of seconds. Rebecca had won the fight, but looking at Natasja as she lost consciousness, she had to wonder if she had lost the greatest thing of all.

Unlike on a previous occasion, Natasja was unconscious not simply unable to control her body. She had no feeling, no emotion and possibly no future.

Natalie looked at her sister with pain filling her, her sister was dying and it was because of some worthless girl. She looked sadly around her sister’s room, with barely a card much less a present cheering up the room. No one seemed to care that her sister was seriously ill…due to a messed up blood vessel or something. Natalie felt hopeless and all she could do was cry. What had her sister done to deserve such a fate? The doctors said that she was under excess stress and that it had contributed to her condition but its catalyst was her first mysterious accident nearly a year ago. No one really knew all the details that surrounded the accident, only that it had been a brutal one. 71

Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Natalie had only recently started to have a good relationship with her sister. She had despised Natasja because of what she represented, a substitution. It was like she was not good enough and if she ever faltered she would be replaced by Natasja. They had always competed to be the best, striving to be the center of their parent’s world until Natasja had stopped caring and just withdrawn from the family. Then, it was as though they were not related. She had treated them indifferently, as though they were just colleagues. ‘Dad and Mom’ had been replaced by ‘Mr. and Mrs.’ Then, Natasja had fallen from grace with her gangsta boyfriend. She had started failing school. Natalie had felt that she had won the battle but looking at her sister, once again in hospital she realized that she had been losing; losing her sister, her competitor and losing her friend. Looking at Natasja, she began to cry. She lay their on the crystal white sheets, motionless, emotionless and sober. All the things that would never describe Natasja were present and it made Natalia feel as though her sister was already gone. When Natasja was awake, Natalie had always wondered if she was drunk because she had been lively and energetic; and never thinking straight. Strangers didn’t know that though, to them she was quite, self-contained, well mannered and soft spoken-all the things she was not. She had always been shy and self contained when she was around people she wasn’t familiar with. Always on her guard, she had always felt the need to protect herself from people who might criticize her. Natalie, knew that because she was her sister’s main critic; but once she felt that she was safe; she was the life of a sober party. Natalie loved her sister. Natalie felt a flutter of movement and then an arm encircling her. It was Chase, her boyfriend. Natalie could hardly believe it; she was dating the guy she had been crushing on forever, not only the two months as she had told Natasja. Mr. Unavailable was hers and she couldn’t have been any happier if the stars of the heaven had fallen at her feet. Natalie had to smile; it had been Natasja who had given her a chance with Chase. Natasja, even with all the hardship she had to face of late, who had set up a blind date with a guy she hadn’t known. “Are you okay?” Natalie knew without a doubt that everything would be okay. Chase and her relationship made her feel as though Natasja was still there, still gluing them together. “Yeah, everything is copasetic, just waiting for my sister to stop snoring.” They both smiled, maybe everything would be.

Rebecca felt like hell, she couldn’t think straight. Her emotions told her to just forget Natasja and just convince herself in that it was Natasja’s fault but her conscience kept messing with her. She didn’t want to take responsibility for what had happened, she had enough

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo problems…that Natasja was trying to help you with but you ignored her, pushing her away, pushing her to yet another hospital bed. Her conscience retorted everything her mind said and she was royally confused. She didn’t know what to do. Rebecca wanted to scream, to shout, to wail, and to just ignore reality but she couldn’t. It seemed as though that was all she had been doing while Natasja tried to help her. She looked at her room and the novels with longing, her eyes filled with unshed tears. She didn’t want to go to the hospital for fear of criticism which she rightfully deserved but didn’t think she could handle. She didn’t know what to do, finally she went to bed, her choice undecided. Her dreams were filled with reminiscences and she cried as she slept. Rebecca remembered how things had been before Sean, before fourth form. Natasja had always treated her like her sister, confiding everything in her hoping to give Rebecca strength through her experiences and it mostly worked. She had been able to have enough confidence in her work, had been able to talk to cute guys and had been able to have self-esteem. Without Natasja, she had wilted but she wasn’t a baby and she shouldn’t have to be treated like one. She envisioned herself with her hair in pig tails with ribbons at the ends and a pacifier in her mouth being rocked gently as she was placed in a cradle. I am not a baby- Rebecca screamed inwardly as Natasja, then Zhane, then the rest of her class, and then the rest of her friends and her family read her a story. Then she saw herself in her stroller and everyone was feeding her, her meal and trying to teach her the alphabet. I am not a baby; don’t treat me like a sissy. “Please, I am not a baby!” cried Rebecca in her pillow, no longer sleeping. Her pillow was soaking wet. She wasn’t a baby and she didn’t want to be treated like one. “I am sorry Tahj, I am sorry,” wailed Rebecca blowing her nose. She couldn’t be Rebecca the spoilt brat anymore; she didn’t want to be a baby. She wasn’t a baby but a girl who needed to find a backbone. She needed to stop blaming others for her misfortune and stand up for herself. Zhane was no longer around to protect her from school. Her parents had stopped protecting her from the world and Natasja was in the hospital for attempting to be the one who saved her from herself. What Natasja didn’t know was that she had to be the one to change herself. She needed to be her own saviour…Cheetah Girls “ I don’t want be like Cinderella, sitting in a dark cold dusty cellar, waiting for somebody to come and rescue me…I’d rather rescue myself…” Rebecca was just slightly curious, how was she going to get the world to see her in a different light? The persons who didn’t think of her as a baby more than likely thought she was the devil’s reincarnate. Crawling out of her bed, to turn on the light, she looked at herself in

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo the mirror. She had numerous scars on her face and body but they didn’t compare to the hole somewhere within her. Time to think… Two weeks later… Rebecca was bone dry tired, her eyes burning within their sockets. The French book in front of her was as unappealing as a week’s old pizza. Her tummy rumbled ominously, indicating not too subtly that she had spent enough time drowning herself in her books. Stretching her body with a yawn, she got up and headed downstairs but stopped before the mirror. The scars from her fight with Tahj were all but faded with only dark circles under her eyes. “ Honey, you know how I used to tell you ‘Do your work and stop look up in my morning’, it would do you a mighty good thing if you would just rest off inbetween one of your sessions. You are becoming pale and awful as though nobody cares for you,” remarked Rebecca’s mother from the doorway. Rebecca wanted to deny that statement but looking at her reflection she knew that she was a little more than tired. Instead of all the great, apologetic, sweet remarks that Rebecca could have made, she stuck with, “I didn’t know anyone cared,” and immediately wished she hadn’t said it at the struck look on her mother’s face. It looked as though she had been crushed by a lorry. Why did I say that! Look at what I’ve done again… “I am really sorry I said that mom, I promise you that I never meant it….please forget I said,” begged Rebecca taking a few tentative steps to her mother, all the while worrying her bottom lip. A sad smile cleared her mother’s face as she replied, “Yes you did, and I am sorry I made you feel that way.” They hugged for the first time in about three months, and it was like a hurricane finally coming to an end; they finally had a chance to rebuild their lives together. If only life would magically change to suite her most earnest longings. If only God were that mean. Rebecca realized with a sinking heart that she didn’t want to find an easy way out of her predicament. She didn’t want this situation to be resolved with her untouched, unscathed. She wanted to feel something, wanted to prove to herself and those around her that she could be responsible, she could care; if a tad bit belatedly. “What wrong honey? Why are you doing this to yourself?” Rebecca looked up at her mother who had tears in her eyes that she didn’t try to mask. Rebecca looked around her at her messed up room with books all over the floor. The difference between her room now and her room when Natasja had been there were the types of books littering the floor; novels versus school books. She looked knew how she looked if she looked in the mirror again. She knew that her mother was referring to. “Because I do not want to be treated like a baby.” It

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo was as simple as that for Rebecca but her mother shook her head. She seemed to reject the idea of her daughter ever growing up and it hurt Rebecca inexplicably. “Hon, you will-“Her mother said but was cut short by her aggrieved daughter. “Do not say that I will always be your baby, because as comforting as that is, I want to prove to myself that I worth something. I want to be able to say that I have a purpose that I did not just ruin my Natasja’s life for nothing. I don’t want her to have wasted her time on me, I do not want to be a parasite,” sobbed Rebecca despairingly as her mother shook her head soft. Her mother didn’t look like she believed what her daughter was trying so hard to prove, her eyes looking sad but comforting. Rebecca fell to the floor trying her best to control the uncontrollable sobs that wracked her worn body. “Please-“ “Ah, I think you misunderstood me dear, lie down on your bed please.” Mrs. McIntosh prodded her daughter to get up off the floor all the while whipping the tears from her daughter’s face. That taken care of she joined her daughter on the bed. “Humph, anyways, I was trying to tell you- really, I forgot, actually. But what I am saying now is that you are worth a lot and Natasja saw that, your friends saw that and your dad and I still see that, even if sometimes we act to the contrary. Natasja had a difficult life lately with her trudging through icy knives thinking them to be her friends and she woke up much later with a lot of scars au contraire and at first I think she saw you as such a scar; one that she needed to mend-““-“Rebecca tried to get a word in but her mother wouldn’t have it.” Shush your mouth, I’m talking.” “However, as I was saying, she felt more obligated because she knew you had a reason for your constant rude behavior Ands she thought it was because she thought that you thought that she had an easy like as she would continue school and you couldn’t. She gave up and was willing to give up a lot more to help you even when you pushed her continuously away.” Rebecca did not have a clue as to what he mother was talking about and said as much. “Are you serious, you don’t know? She wanted to give up high school completely to help you; it had to be her parents who reined her in.” Rebecca felt scandalized but at the same time, oddly loved. Natasja was willing to forgo everything for her after she had been the most horrendous friend in the world? The thought rocked Rebecca’s foundation, as well as her mother’s obvious support, to the core. She was loved, she was not just another baby or someone to help or tolerate to the people around her. “ I want so badly right now to hug Natasja and to tell her a thousand apologizes but-“ Rebecca felt sad, Natasja might forgive her but her family would never allow her to go anywhere near her. Mrs. McIntosh seemed to understand her daughter’s plight and hugged her reassuringly. “You need not care

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo what the world thinks and to gain the approval of the two persons I think you need to continue on doing what you are doing now. Natasja came here everyday, when it was obvious that she felt that you were a trial and tried to help you stuffy, tried to help you became whole for once in your life. Show her and yourself that you can be the best when all the odds are facing you. Prove to yourself that you are worth the fight.” With that her mother gave her another squeeze and a kiss on her cheek and left the room most likely praying that her only child had finally seen the light; and she had. Rebecca sat up on her bed and wiped her eyes a final time. She was not the girl she had always seen as heroines on tv, she was not the girl that her parents had hoped for when her mother had gotten pregnant, she was not the girl that her friends and the world thought her to be and she was happy; for no one else could be her. She got up, combed her hair until it shone, ate something downstairs with her mother, went upstairs to her room again and read a novel and went back to her studies; a poem she had read on a gothic sight on the internet floating through her mind and empowering her: This Is Me By Sue Carroll Accept me for who I am. Do not attempt to change the essential me. Beneath this frail cover lives a young girl's heart become age old and worn by time and by life's trials. The scars, gathered along the winding path to where I am today are testament to a passage fraught with troubles. Too late now to rewrite the book. This is me. Again I say, accept me for who I am.

Rebecca was going to prove to everyone that one day she would be great. She had no dreams but she had one aspiration; to prove that she was worth all the energy she put forth.

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Don't knock it till you've tried it (Sometimes, if you try hard enough and you believe in yourself and those around, the Lord will see fit to give you your most earnest longings-but firstly you have to open yourself to all the possibilities.) Chapter 9 It was the first day of school…wow…Rebecca felt terribly nervous. She was back at school, granted, a lower level school but still, she was back in a classroom. She recognized no one and no one knew her, it was a frightening yet exhilarating thought, she had a chance to start over from scratch. Four months later: Rebecca felt nervous. Her hands wobbled unsteadily as she wrote her notes, Mr. Henry sat vigilantly, report cards in hand as he ensured that no one idled. She felt like a jellyfish was doing the rumba in her tummy and she thought she would sky rocket with all her pent up energy. Rebecca counted to 150 in her mind, hoping like hell to calm down so that she could write the stupid notes. Mr. Henry’s eyes met hers briefly and it was all Rebecca could do not to wet herself, she looked away guiltily. She felt a tap on her back and she nearly jumped out of her chair, so much for calming down. Turning around with exaggerated slowness, she looked at the person causing her more torment, “Huh?”. Rebecca did not know the girl smiling at her; and seriously, she did not want to. The girl held her hand to Rebecca; clearly it held something in it. “It’s a mint ball, it might help. I’ll lend you my notes if you don’t finish,” offered the girl sweetly. Rebecca felt instantly contrite and that really was not helping her much. Rebecca decided to cut the attitude for a bit. Rebecca gratefully accepted the mint ball and tried more successfully, to take down the notes off the crowded ants-nest of a whiteboard. Mr. Henry’s writing was barely legible as he always seemed to be thinking five hundred times quicker than his writing, causing everything to be messy and unclear. “I’m Chels by the way,” added the Samaritan a whole three sentences later. Indulging the girl because of her previous generosity, she commented in a hushed tone, since Mr. Henry was still watching quite vigilantly, “Chels as in Chelsea?” There was a small laugh behind her and Rebecca had to turn around to stare at her quite blankly, “No, everyone thinks so though. My real name is Cheleasha. Hate the name so had to cut it.” All 77

Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Rebecca had to say to that was “Uh huh, cute.” No wonder she never spoke to her classmates, even though it had been her intention to, they were so obviously, raucously butu. Ignoring further conversation, she wrote her notes, as she should have been doing before. Seriously, Cheleasha?! That was gross! As Rebecca copied off about three quarters of the notes off the board, her conscience started the prick at her. One sentence; you should talk to her. Three sentences; you are going to seem rude. Seventh sentence; do not ignore the girl, she was kind to you. Rebecca really did not want to have a conversation with her conscience at that moment since she could not remember ever doing so before in her life, so she just blanked it out. Eighth sentence and second word, you can write and talk, she is nice. By the ninth sentence Rebecca just wanted to freak, really, the girl was so not worth sh- Okay, that was rude, thought Rebecca, cursing herself mentally. Instead of cursing yourself, why not talk to the girl? Rebecca’s saintly conscience asked, in an all too innocent voice. Rebecca felt really contrite, as in, had she really just almost bitched about the girl after she had been kind to her? Ouch, please don’t let me be turning into the selfish, coldhearted bitch that had put Tahj in the hospital, please, God! Rebecca needed some deliverance but she would have to settle for being the church. Turning around slightly, to see Cheleasha, no Chels’ face, she introduced herself, “By the way, I am Rebecca.” “That took you long enough, jeez, anyways; you can turn back your pretty self around now. I got the picture, I am so obviously not worth your precious little time,” replied Chels in a tone Rebecca seriously did not appreciate. Rebecca wanted oh so badly to hurt the girl but as the words fell on her lips, she found she could not release them. Behind Chels’ bravado was a girl who looked like she had been crushed by her previous, silent, rejection. Rebecca felt herself worrying her bottom lip as her conscience mentally bashed her to smithereens; score one for Rebecca SCB. “I am sorry okay; I didn’t mean to be such a snub. I have not been the nicest person lately, many people could most definitely attest to that and much more; but it is not that I want to be that way. “Rebecca hated confession time, she was not even catholic. “I really don’t want to explain myself, but could you just like forget ever talking to me today? I feel seriously bad-” Rebecca tried to figure out what she was saying in her head because from the way Chels mouth was twisted, as if to say, are you done trashing yet, Rebecca figured she was saying some serious crap. Clapping her hands loudly that the whole class that she had previously ignored, stared at her and Mr. Henry stood up from his desk and started walking towards her, Rebecca reiterated her statement. “Okay, I am horrible at apologizing but could you like just forget what I said, you do not really have to forgive but just know that I did not intentionally mean to insult

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo y-”. Before Rebecca could finish her crappy apology, Mr. Henry cut her off. “Are you quite finish, Miss Sanchez?” Rebecca turned around in her seat, sort of rocking back and forth. She was wondering whether or not she should correct him about her name when he ploughed on. “Because I had the impression that you came to this class to learn something;” About to give a diminutive reply in the form, “yes sir”, she was stopped before she even started, as he continued in a louder, more barreling tone, “since you have proven to yourself and your previous learning institution that you are not the brightest crayon in the box. In fact, you must be the dullest one I have ever seen. Now if you do not mind, completely, I would like to teach the students who have a chance in this world, that do not have parents who will buy them their place in the world, something useful. You can join us if it is not an inconvenience to you.” With that lovely lecture, Mr. Henry did a splendidly awful about-face and went back to the front of the class; everyone seeming to look at her as they snickered there vile faces off. Rebecca had to control herself thoroughly as she desperately wanted to cuss the arrogant s.o.b off. All Rebecca could think to do was rant but she knew she could not. If she did she would have a really lovely day explaining to her parents why she had been kicked out of high school. Again. Saying as though, she was not interested in that possibility, she sat down like a good little girl who had just gotten a terrible spanking. As if. Cool down…cool down, you can’t afford to screw yourself up….prove that you are worth a dime, without your parent’s money. Telling herself that over and over again, she felt her true emotions bursting out of her as tears started prickling her eyes. Please not now, she begged. She was not begging for another chance, she would live with the one she currently had, she just wished things would be simpler. She wished her attitude would take a hike, she wished she could understand what was being taught in class without having to read thousands of insanely complex textbooks, and she wished that she didn’t screw up everything she did. She wished she could do something. “I forgive you.” Rebecca heard the whisper, so faint that she momentarily wondered if she had imagined it. She must have heard wrong, or more than likely, heard nothing at all. Rebecca could not imagine anyone forgiving her. She did not want anyone to forgive her because that would mean that she deserved that forgiveness and Rebecca knew in her heart that she did not deserve any forgiveness; only loathing. That was what Natalie had told her that day that Natasja had been recommitted to the hospital, “You are the most awful, vindictive, person in the world, and how could you treat someone like that, someone who wanted to help you?” Rebecca knew how she did it, because she was Rebecca Sanchez Macintosh, a spoilt princess who

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo had lost her crown. Hissing her teeth, Rebecca finished the stupid notes, all the while hating herself for being so awful. Was it no wonder when she saw lackluster grades at the end of class she felt claustrophobic? Holding back the tears that threatened to fall in the privacy of the now empty classroom, “You do know that if you continue to rag on yourself, you give others the invitation to do likewise, right?” Looking up, with tear stained eyes; Rebecca met creamy hazel eyes that appeared totally happy. Shaking her head slowly, Rebecca asked in a not unkind voice, “And who might you be?” Lifting her head totally from her knees, she saw that five girls were surrounding her. Freaky?... Not slightly, thought Rebecca, wondering what the heck was going on. The girl who had made the fortune cookie sort of quote had Rebecca’s full attention. The girl was short and round but looked like a candy, all sugar coated. Her hair looked silky as it floated in majestic, dark wisps down her back. Her skin was light, she had no black in her, but it was a darkish white. Looking at her, she looked like an Arabian queen, sweet, gentle and majestic. It was quite a refreshing look that drew Rebecca to her. She also wore glasses that did not take away anything from her look but seemed to add so much more. It added a sort of worldly feel, as though she knew what she was talking about, she had knowledge that she wished to partake with them. Talk about a whole Ghandi moment; it was so peaceful, so completely unlike anything Rebecca had been feeling lately. “I am Ellen. You are Rebecca, I know.” Freaky Friday. Shaking her head, Rebecca tried to rid the cobwebs from her mind. She was outside on the school campus, sitting on a make shift seat in the form of a flower bank. Students filled the already small parameters of the campus, doing what came naturally to them, having fun. A girl with heavily gelled hair in an icy blue ribbon sticking out like a wild peacock was belting out “Party in the USA” by Miley Cyrus in an awful voice, surrounded by two girls who apparently went to the same messed up magazines for the latest trends and three gansta looking guys that had their own appeal. Though everyone around recognized, hopefully, the hideous notes the girl was making, they were still just hanging out, talking in loud, boisterous voices. After crucifying the song, which her friends lightly joked about, she started teasing the guys. She managed to sweet-mouth her way into one of the guys handing over his phone and her taking his flaming purple kerchief out of his back pocket. “Hey, CeeCee, give that back!” pleaded the guy, not really minding all that much. He was tallish, around 5’10, maybe taller and seriously lanky. Rebecca remembered seeing him several times around the place. He was forever doing something drastically abnormal. Once,

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo he had tied a lizard to a stick and had flung it into some unsuspecting student’s face. When he had finally seemed bored of that, he had placed the end of the stick in his pants and had had the lizard dancing as he gyrated himself. Rebecca knew that he was a weird waste man, seeking attention and normally she tried to deprive persons like him the satisfaction of an audience but he was slightly appealing to watch. He was way goofy but seemed to have a calmer, more sedate side; either that or he hadn’t had his drugs. Rebecca looked dreamily at him and all his friends. Rebecca was not a complete ditz, she did not want to be one of them, just to feel how they feel occasionally. They seemed to live in a bubbly world where everything was fabulous but Rebecca could not find such a world for herself. She was happy occasionally, but she no longer felt joy, she had nothing to be joyous about. She was a rollercoaster ride in 24/7 operation. She had random mood swings, her focus continually strayed but worse than that, even though Rebecca knew what she wanted, she still felt lost. She felt alone and Mr. Henry confirmed Rebecca’s belief’s that no one understood her or cared to learn about whom she was; but somehow she also knew for a fact that people cared for her. She was not alone, and though occasionally she felt really emotional, she just closed her eyes and song something to herself.

It was an hour later and Rebecca was standing in a long line at KFC with Ellen, Chels and the three other girls from school, Rebecca could not exactly understand why they were being so kind to her but she did not want to seem overly rude and just walk off, possibly fifty light years away. The girls were confusing to say the least and not precisely in a good way. Ellen was continuously sprouting happy blooms all over the place and hugging all of us, all the while talking in a sweet baby voice. Her voice soon became as annoying as a bee buzzing around her ear. This other girl, Bailey, was seriously short with a huge bust line and crappy teeth. That was not the problem though. She was acting like, all macho, gangster girlish. It was really lame as it was obviously something that would get her noticed. Chels was butu, Rebecca thought not for the first time, but she was the only one Rebecca could relate to. She was a tad bit preppy and really smart. The other girl, Rachel, or something, was a total mystery as she just seemed to be agreeing with everything the others said. They were a total mismatch and Rebecca seriously did not want to join the circus. This guy in a midnight blue mixed with sky blue shirt and navy blue slacks was eyeing Chels and she was not even aware of it. He was bleached out with creamed, gelled back hair that made him look like a

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Star Trek live action figure. Bailey, on the other hand was fully aware of the guy, staring at her friend while talking to some of his friends as they waited for their meal by the counter. She squished her lips together like a seriously unhappy fish and just gave him a scornful, you-smell-and-look-like- a-horse face until his friend saw the interplay as Mister Lovegames was too busy eyeing his prize to see swords, or rather, a very fishy face being propelled his way. Realizing that he had unwanted attention, he rolled his eyes at Bailey, as if to say “jealous girls are so over-rated,” to which Bailey gave him a more alarming middle finger. It was at this point Raven, that’s her name, fully supported Bailey by adding two middle fingers to the silent interchange. Tired of the little game they were playing, or maybe he realized Chels did not even notice the sorry loser that he was, he turned to his friends, after giving Bailey one last scathing look. Rebecca looked at the little live reality tv drama with a yawn threatening to escape her mouth. This was so second grade. “You might want to go up in the line,” said a familiar voice from behind Rebecca. Hoping for a miracle she prayed that life was not playing a cruel joke on her, that voice sounded very much like…”Hey Lillian,” waved Ellen from in front of me. How the hell did Ellen know Lillian? Turning around slowly, Rebecca smiled happily at Lillian. “OMG, Lily! What’s up?” Lily broke out in a smile, removing one of her hands from around Joshua to hug Rebecca whole-heartedly. Funny, Rebecca had not noticed him before. Rebecca was absolutely thrilled to have one friend around her. The five girls were so weird and Rebecca was not exactly a psychiatrist. “We have to talk!” The two girls talked as they ordered their meals, while Joshua just listened and made noncommittal sounds occasionally. Rebecca felt super happy to see her old friend and even the enigma that was Joshua appealed to her. Rebecca had actually forgotten about the girls when Ellen just intruded on the girl’s conversation. “Hey, so you two know each other, we should totally eat together!” Rebecca felt so fantabulously happy at that statement that she wanted to puke. Yippee! “ Hiding her expression with much difficulty, Rebecca momentarily remembered Natasja and how she always had a gum in her mouth and whenever she had not known how to respond to something, she would just pop a gum in her mouth and start chewing like a speed racer. Oh what Rebecca would do for something like that, she needed to buy herself some gum as soon as humanly possible. “Ohm, I am gonna go to the pharmacy for a second, k, catch up with y’all in a bit,” excused Rebecca giving Lillian and Joshua a pleading stare to just get rid of the other girls. “I can follow-” “Soon come!” interjected Rebecca, cutting off one of Ellen’s totally sugar coated suggestions and hurrying, possibly faster than Usain Bolt to the pharmacy.

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Safely enclosed within the walls of the pharmacy, Rebecca mentally rebuked herself. How had she forgotten that Yamane Center was totally Broderick ground? Everywhere Rebecca seemed to have positioned her eyes; someone she was familiar with had either waved at her or shouted out her name. It was obvious that none of them had kept in contact with Natasja or else they would be crying murder instead of greeting her so warmly. That made Rebecca slightly sad, as all of Natasja’s old friends had abandoned her and yet Natasja had not abandoned Rebecca. The thoughts made Rebecca feel mildly uncomfortable. She wanted to feel normalcy, not a wide void of sadness and regret. The pharmacy was about the size of two classrooms with a variety of paraphernalia all over the place on shelves, racks, and tables. The colour scheme of the place was peach with hints of blue sparking up the dull looking walls. A few persons filtered idly through the place, looking at different assortments of things. Rebecca walked to the back of the store where novels were kept and flipped through some of the pages, the characters varied from sheiks, to princes, to millionaire, to Spaniards, to Italian, to Greek, to all other types of arrogant, egocentric, know it alls that Rebecca had sadly found totally sexy about a month or so previously. At the moment, call Rebecca bizarre but she could not understand why any girl would just comply with a guys every wish telling themselves that they were independent and all that posh and then have the audacity to fall in love with the conceited jerk. It was so besides the point. There was not one sweet sensitive guy who was not a doctor or being nice because he got a girl pregnant. Talk about the dark ages. Clothes may come back in style after about a couple generations but pregnancy stuff and marriage was just better left in the medieval period or else there would be a lot of bigamy going around. Kiera of Lawenydd, can’t believe what she’d done. Owing her sister a favor, Kiera promised to pose as Elyn on her wedding day. The ruse was to last just one night… Seriously, how could Kiera be so damn foolish? Of course it would not last one night. If Elyn had any intention of being married to the guy she would have gone to the wedding, that after all is the most dramatic thing that will ever happen in the married couples lives! “You are Rebecca, right?” Rebecca was reading the blurb of “Impostress” for anything of interest that may be hinted at in the novel when some guy took of two years of her life. Letting out a not minor yelp of surprise as well as a very good interpretation of a kangaroo jump, Rebecca finally settled down to look daggers at the guy. And a very handsome guy he was. “WTH dude,” was all she could say before

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Rebecca momentarily lost all her brain cells and just gawked at the guy. Actually it was not really gawking because she really doubted he would notice that she was stupefied, more like gazing behind shades. No guy ever seemed to realize when she was totally attracted to them; it was really a cool yet lame blessing. The guy had the most amazing hazel green eyes ever, that seemed to see everything or see nothing, think of the positive Becca before you melt, his skin was like caramel and shoot if Rebecca did not want to know if he really was that sweet. He was seriously tall, giant status tall; Hagrid had nothing on this guy. Exaggeration maybe but, still, Rebecca was practically a stupid mass of jello, she could not exactly think straight. Please don’t let me turn into one of those idiot heroines in a romance novel; I am not dressed for the part. Smiling at the idiosyncrasy of the situation she calmed down a bit. The guy seemed contrite as he looked everywhere else but at Rebecca. “Did not mean to scare you,” he replied in a honey smooth, opera singer, melodic, voice. Rebecca saw the exact instant that he stopped being shy, when he looked through the glass at the front of the store and saw Lillian walking with Joshua to find a seat. It made her wonder, her smile fading as her mood slipped into its blanket of listlessness, if this guy had a thing for her friend. “You don’t have to feel bad,” she said with false cheer as she replaced the novel on the shelf beside dozens of pictures of near naked models. He looked at her with a quirked eyebrow, “ Romance?” He did not say it with offense, just mild curiosity, as though he were trying to figure something out. “Yes romance,” she replied, continuing with a slight question in her voice, “why do you want a Rebecca?” She felt like stalling the conversation for some strange reason. He went to Wolmers but he did not seem to fit the mould. He had an easy charm about him, as though he was comfortable being scrutinized, he seemed like a Kingston College kind of guy. Rebecca had once judged people based on their school and even though she would now classify herself as a dumb drop out who had probably gotten pregnant because of the school she went to, she still sometimes did. The most acclaimed guy schools were Kingston College, St. George College, Calabar Highschool, Wolmer’s Boys Highschool and Jamaica College. Kingston College had the players who had a great shot at being influential later in life, St. George’s were there neighbours and they were far less popular but they were okay, mediocre actually. Calabar had the gangsters who were as popular as Kingston College and the two schools were alawy at war with each other. Jamaica College, on the flip side, had the guys that Rebecca sometimes felt should be kept in cage at a vet clinic; but some of them, the exception or the majority, whatever, were decent. Wolmer’s Boys had the guys who were well rounded and only recently stepped out of their shell and

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo won Champs- the biggest athletics event in Jamaica for highschool students. The guy in question had a distinct charm even though he did not dine to use it on her and a lot of brains even though she did not know that for sure. “You transferred?” A wolfish smile shocked Rebecca as he simultaneous shrugged his shoulders, confirming her suspicions implicitly. “Yeah, I am afraid to ask how you know that. I went to KC before but-”he cut himself off, giving another careless shrug, instead of elaborating. Rebecca found herself wondering rather curiously how he knew Lillian. “I am looking for a Rebecca person, my friend told me to tell her something,” he looked distinctly unnerved that it appeared that he had not found the ‘Rebecca person’ and she found that he looked rather cute. No sparks, sadly, but cute. “I guess you are not looking forward to asking about thirty other girls if they are Rebecca. Especially if they react the way I just did.” The Wolmer’s want-to-be gave an exaggerated shudder but his eyes sparkled devilishly. Rebecca felt distinctly happy, he was fun to talk to and she really did not want to bore the conversation up by admitting she was Rebecca. “Well, tell me, then,” she said as though it were the most obvious thing that he should do. She realized suddenly that she did not know his name and that was good, she could not exactly call him Wolmers wanna-be, now could she? Maybe she could. He looked momentarily taken-aback, “You are Rebecca?” Rolling her eyes she replied, “Yes I am, now two things Wolmer’s wanna-be..I need to give you a name or you are gonna be labeled WWB and how do you know my friend, lover boy?” The two walked to the front and Rebecca joined the line to buy a gum. He had a permanent smile on his face as though he wanted to laugh extremely badly but didn’t dare do so. Constraining himself, his face rather broke into many small, all fantastic smiles. He did have potential for a Wolmer’s Boy but sadly, Rebecca did not like associating herself with them. She loved KC guys who weren’t afraid to have fun and be spontaneous…maybe that was why she did not like him because even though he used to be KC, he was just a flicker of the original, fading into Wolmer’s boredom; now they could only be friends. How sad, Lillian could have him. “I have my own list to give you Rebecca,” he said, the smile never-ending as his eyes sparkled in their inky glory. “Firstly, my name is Giovanni. Secondly, I,” he continued, showcasing his beautiful body with a twirl of his hands, “will never be a wanna-be and lastly,” this he said on an anti-climax type of note before he went all whisper soft as though he were about to reveal the greatest secret of our generation, “I am Lillian’s friend, I went to school with her and am madly, dashingly in love with her but she rejected me.” Wow, talk about dramatic guys, he should get an Oscar. Rebecca covered her mouth as she burst out in a laughing fit. “That’s cute, just like you…It is great to meet you.”

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Rebecca was still laughing when she saw the truth in his eyes and almost spluttered to a stop but refrained, not wanting him to know that she saw. He had a hurt look in his eyes and Rebecca wondered how a guy like him could look so defeated over a girl. How the mighty have fallen, went through her mind as she looked at him, any emotion washed clean off his face. It was the KC motto the brave may fall but never yield, which Rebecca recalled. “It’s great to meet you. Lily said that Ellen was gone so you could come out of hiding now.” Rebecca smiled at that, “Do I look like I am hiding or am I strolling around a store with the most dashing wanna be ever?” Rebecca saw the laughter breaking through the darkness of his eyes to light up his face. She was comforted to see him smile, it seemed so right. Somehow, she never wanted to see this guy frown again.

Words were starting to blur in Rebecca’s mind. She had been studying Spanish for a solid three minutes turn three hours and the words were starting to become a jungle of alien tongue. She had a Spanish test in two weeks and she did not want to fail. Rightfully, Rebecca did not even want to pass. She wanted to murder the language; she wanted to be the best. It was that simple and that incredibly hard but at least she knew where to start. The Spanish text book was out, a dictionary, in Spanish, beside her and her mind, hopefully on inside her. The phone down-stairs in the living room commenced chaos in the house as Mr. Sanchez berated everyone down-stairs that it was his associate calling. The chaos was so much fun to listen to because it was a sort of symbol for her parent’s happiness; they were not fake with each other. It was really sweet. Rebecca listened with half an ear wondering which of the two would be right. The voicemail came up and as her two parents continued to quarrel about whose call it was, Rebecca sighed, no one would know whose call it was. Rebecca was just about to close he books and head out and try calming her parents down when there was a sudden silence over the house. It was beyond freaky; it was down-right scary. What was going on? Running down the flight of stairs, Rebecca only heard the tail end of the voice message over the phone and immediately understood the deafening silence. “…she is out of her comma and do not, really, don’t feel bothered to come see her. This is the end, you are officially out of our lives now Rebecca Sanchez so go screw with someone else’s own,*****.” The silence continued long after the dial tone went as everyone stood paralyzed to their spot. The first one to come out of their stupor was obviously her mom, turning to look at her with the

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo most sympathetic pair of eyes Rebecca had ever had the misfortune to see. “Are you okay, sweetheart?” … Of course she was not. It was becoming blatantly obvious that she was never going to get a break. How terribly not surprising. Rebecca walked over to her mother giving her a small hug and a kiss, “Sure I am, I was just heading to the fridge for some cake. Want some?” Concealing her insecurities behind a tiny small, she headed for the delicious, comfort food of a light wine cake. Her mother just shook her head, both her parents watching her; concerned. Rebecca wanted to tell them they had nothing to worry about, but was that true? At that precise moment she felt like hammering a knife through her head to gain some perspective. How fun that would be. The headlines would most definately read, "Teen jack-knives her head in hope of insight." In the kitchen, Rebecca decided to take a rain-check on the cake and just call Chels. Taking out her blackberry bold from her back pocket she searched out Chels’ number. The phone rang for an indefinite amount of time before she got voicemail. Getting slightly annoyed that Chels almost never answered on the first call, she redialed. “Hey, Chels…please tell me that you are in the mood to make me feel better?” There was a pause over the line that lasted no more than 5 seconds but was enough time for Rebecca to second guess the wisdom of calling “Queen of the wierdos”. About to hang up the phone, Rebecca was shocked by the sudden answer from left field, “Sure, I am gonna go to Yamane Center with my brother and his date, if you want to talk, come with…check you later.” Weird, absolutely weird. With a clueless smile brightening her face, Rebecca asked her parents if she could go. A next surprise, they said no. “Why not?” asked Rebecca totally confused, normally they were totally happy to see her going out with her friends, what was with the sudden change? Was she being punished because Natasja was getting better? Could she get any more twisted, of course that could not be the reason. “You just heard Natalie on the phone not a few minutes ago, what are you doing?” Maybe she was being punished after all, “…You cannot just go around replacing your friends as though they don’t mean a thing. It is not right…you are going to end up really sorry.” What was her mother going on about? Plopping herself on the lime green triple seater, Rebecca just stared at her mother. Her mother looked extremely stressed, tiny webs framing her forehead. Her hair was combed in it usual style- a ponytail held up by a pin. She sighed. "I am not re-p-la-cing Tahj..." Rebecca innunciated each word, playing special attention to replacing as she elongated it to over the intended three syllables. "She doesn't want any-thing to do with me...you heard her snooty sister... I am a dog, I

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo am just trying to get on with my life!" Rebecca's father shook his head soberly,"A thousand miles may begin with the first step but sometimes that step has to be back..." Rebecca did not know how to respond to such a fortune cookie remark. Forgetting to even look at her parents she stormed to her room, not noticing the tears running down her mother’s sleep deprived face as her husband tried unsuccessfuully to comfort her. "She will find her way..." He looked up to the crucifix centred above the television, desperately pleading for the two most important person's in his life to find an escape from their hell. "...somehow." Rebecca felt really frustrated and irritatingly cold and empty and she wanted to rage, scream, shout, fight, run away; but strangely enough, as she stormed and trampled all of her things in a whirlwind of rage, she felt no desire to cry, none what-so-ever at all. So, Rebecca destroyed her room as she vented her anger and when all the ire dissipated from her soul, there was nothing to conceal the pain spilling from the gaping hole within herself that all the tantrums in the world could not heal. Frustrated much, empty completely but still-did she learn anything from her rampage? For she threw herself unto her bed, her room a scrambled mess, her hard work obliterated, and her head a flaming fireworks of aches and in the calm of the night when all was still, she prayed to God for a life she could not see. Therefore, it was only suiting that after the beginning, before the end, in the middle of the journey, she found her stead…not her placing in the world above but close enough, for with this her face began to crumble, her heart began to shed and for all this change, she finally saw the light and so she tore a page from her Spanish notebook, the edges all jagged and wrote: I cry, I weep and I mourn and I ravage as I see the raging sea before me but for all this, the sea never parts and I am more tired for my trials. I look above, my eyes tired with weeping and see a bridge above the sea as freshly golden with the promise of hope brightening its steps in a halo of sunshine, just as the smile of a new born baby and all I think is: “I am glad I

opened my eyes. I love Jesus, what else can I possibly say?” What felt like decades later, the door to Rebecca’s room opened and in strode Mr. Sinclair. He gave the clutter in Rebecca’s room a cursory glance before locking unto his sleeping daughter. “Get up.” The tone of voice was imposing with little compassion; but a world of chill freezing and sharpening the edges of the command. When there was no response to his first call, he repeated it, much louder and much less controlled. She jerked awake, mumbling incoherently as Rebecca wandered what was happening. “Clean up the mess in your room, you are grounded for a month.” With that Mr.Sinclair strode out, the road to rehabilitation firmly in sight. 88

Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Rebecca spluttered more incoherent phrases to the back of her parting father. Righteous indignation did not even begin to describe how Rebecca felt, grounded for a stupid call? What trash! She jumped off her bed, clearing the mess that she had created, stopping only to cancel meeting Chels; all the while muttering darkly under her breath. Not half an hour later, her father re-entered the room casting a critical eye over the previous eyesore that was Rebecca’s room. “How lovely, you can actually clean up your messes. The dishes are downstairs waiting for you and the house could do with a good wiping out.” It was a school night, eight o’clock and she found herself with new chores to dampen the fields of the Sahara desert like the Amazon. How stinking fabulous! Rebecca distinctly made a point of telling her parents that she hated housework, “ What is the point of this anyways, it is not like I killed a fish or anything! You guys are being so-” “Quite! Do not speak to us in that manner, you are a CHILD- an irresponsible brat of a child. Get over yourself and look around you, you blind bat, no one is coming to save you.”

“Why are you acting like this, you know how fragile she is,” chided Mrs. Sinclair. Her face was wrinkled as she faced her husband off, hands clenched at her sides; all her motherly instincts on overload. “She is not some fragile flower that will shrivel and die, I never raised such a weak daughter and I am not going to watch as she destroys our life. She had better straighten herself out because I don’t recognize the daughter that I raised.” His eyes were a stormy mass that glittered ominously with his every word. He would never allow his wife to look as defeated as she had looked in the living room, not even for his daughter. Mrs. Sinclair watched her husband feeling as though she should stop him from whatever he was planning but she knew, deep inside of her that it was time for her beloved but misguided child to change. With a bit of hesistancy she resigned herself to what was about to happen, “So what is your plan?” With a humourless smile masking his pained emotions, he replied, “I am going to destroy Rebecca and make her fight to hold on to her life.” Three weeks later, stressed beyond measure with CXC’s coming up and her parents harassing her as though it were a state of emergency, she very much felt her life slipping out of control. She had not even gotten a chance to hang out with Giovanni or anyone else for that matter recently, though she still saw them around, envying them their life. Rebecca felt run-over by a steam roller and not as pretty. In her rush to get ready, she had once again forgotten to comb her hair and her eyes were framed by glasses of circles and red contacts. She could barely cope with what was happening in school much less to add home stress to the mess. She felt depleted but could not handle failing. She really could not because it would mean that all her efforts were for nothing. “Miss. Sanchez, are you paying attention at all?”questioned Mr.Henry, staring like an owl surveying his prey from the front of the clas. I certainly paid something, you idiot. Okay, let’s not say that, “Of course sir, you know you are the most important thing in my world?” When pigs fly. Rebecca congratulated herself for saying it without puking; she really could not stand the guy. He always seemed to pick on her because she had 89

Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo class while the others lacked it. “Too bad you are not. Now if you would delight us with the profound knowledge you have acquired thus far, could you tell us the topic of today’s class?” Yeah, kind of missed that stillz. Rebecca thought quickly over what sir could have likely have said and nothing coming to mind, checked her book. Ah, hah, found it. “Sir, you were telling us about patterns and sequences.” Rebecca felt proud of herself for all of three milliseconds then the class burst out laughing as Mr. Henry rolled his head. “Meet me at lunch time, Miss.Sanchez, I am afraid that this is not Math’s class,” and to add garlands to the coffin, “it’s Biology class and our topic is the Nervous System.” Cute. Rebecca could not even begin to describe how she felt at that moment. Stupid and inadequate were only the start. She could not handle this. Hissing her teeth, Rebecca took out her Biology book and wrote the notes, as usual, not listening to what the teacher said. That is how it went until lunch time. Mr.Henry dismissed the class and went to his desk, all the while rubbing his head. Rebecca packed up her belongings and went up to him, wandering what he would say. As she stood at the desk without anything happening, she finally spoke, “Mr. Henry, you wanted to see me?” Mr. Henry looked up at her at that, his eyes a mystery. He held up his hands and stated quietly, “Correction, I do not want to see you. In fact, I hate seeing you every day in my class, sitting there and taking up space. I don’t want to see you.” He rubbed his head again and sighed, saying almost to himself, “and I doubt you want to see me either,” and in a more assertive voice he continued, “but yet, we still do and that is a problem. Now tell me what you are going to do about it.” Rebecca stood stock-still, what was he talking about? She could not exactly say she wished she never had the displeasure of seeing him or the dastard school and she could leave, couldn’t she? “I don’t understand. Um, what are you trying to say?” Mr.Henry seemed to have aged a decade in the span of time it took express herself. “It means that you are wasting my damn time, understood. You are an incompetent, rich snob who does not know when you are sinking before the moat.” Rebecca was utterly shocked. This guy could not honestly be serious, he must be on crack. How dare he talk to her like that? “If you have selective memory sir, I paid to be taught and so my lack of knowledge indicated your incompetence. Have you ever thought that you should eat crap before you come near me with your cheap as plastic bag clothes?” Euh, Rebecca collected her stuff and was about to leave the class for lunch when the blow came, “Then leave and see who you will have in your corner.” The last words Rebecca heard from her teacher that day came out as harsh as day, “Never come back with that stick up your butt again.” What else could Rebecca do now? She flounced out of the class, knowing that she had made a huge mistake. Would she ever ask her parents?-She never would. Looking around her, everything seemed normal, students were talking under trees, and some were walking around; no one paying any attention to her. She was screwed. It was the first of February and orals for Spanish and French started on April 18. She did not know what she was going to tell her parents; she had no clue what she was going to do. Natalie would most likely be the happiest girl in the world when she heard that Rebecca had been expelled from school. “Big whoop,” muttered Rebecca under her breath, what was she supposed to do now? She saw Chels in the distance talking to her friends and felt even more depressed. Mr. Henry was right, who would be in her corner

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo now? She had utterly screwed up her life with her attitude. She closed he eyes as she leaned against the wall of the classroom. Please, dear Jesus, please guide me in the direction of your light. Please help me. She opened her eyes to Mr. Henry walking to the staff house. Rebecca stood up straight, checked that she had all her belongings and walked off the school compound. She had lost her friends and then she had gotten expelled from Brodrick. She was about to lose all her friends and she seemed to be expelled from this school. What a lovely cycle she had. She hissed her teeth and walked sullenly in the direction of Yamane Centre. As she neared the shopping centre she felt her heart constrict- she was so close to Broderick. Her lips began to tremble and she had the greatest desire to just melt down and cry. But why should she? Rebecca thought as she mentally shook her head. It was her past and she could not go longing for the past or else she would never find a way forward. How fortune cookie sentimental, sighing, she checked both sides of the street looking for a gap in the traffic and crossed the road to Yamane Centre. As Rebecca went into Yamane, she saw the familiar faces of her old school mates all round. She walked away from each one, from each curious smile and all the malicious words spouting from a few of their lips. She trotted over to Burger King. The small fastfood restaurant was as packed as sardines with the lunch hour crowd and an army of student who had just left school .When the line finally moved on to allow her access to the cashier, she bought a nine piece chicken tenders with a Hershey pie and grape soda. She had to wait fifteen minutes as the tenders were not ready as yet. She stepped outside of the store to find a seat while she waited for her meal. The double seat in front of the television looked inviting, if slightly messy with cup marks on the table. “Becca!” called a familiar voice from some distance away. She turned around but at first she saw no one, except the couple who were now taking the seat that she had been scouting a few seconds ago. Rolling her eyes in annoyance, she saw a hand waving at the other side of the food court- it was Giovanni. She smiled, acknowledging that she seen him and strode over to him. He looked more handsome than usual in his school uniform and Rebecca understood why when she finally reached him. He was on a date with an Immaculate Conception student who looked drop dead gorgeous with smooth milky skin, midnight blue eyes that were fringed with thick dark lashes and wavy jet black hair with caramel highlights. “Hey Gio, I think I am interrupting something.” Gio smiled as he stood to greet her. “Of course you are, Rebecca”, not quite grinning off his gorgeous white teeth, he introduced his companion. “Meet my date, Milan, Milan, my friend Rebecca.” The two girls acknowledged each other and when invited to stay by Milan, she refused. She could not ruin a date, could she? As she stood up and was turning to leave, she bumped into someone. Scattered apologies were exchanged as Rebecca cursed herself mentally for not looking where she was going. This was just another example of her walking into trouble. Rebecca was not sure how and what caused it but she felt slightly apprehensive. Call her psychic but as her face lifted up to see the uniform that she remembered wearing for four years, she knew who she would see. Same eyes, same ears, different hairstyle but as her heart pounded to

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo the beat of a rock song, she just stared at Natasja. She had bumped into her past, present but dear God,future? Natasja looked as though she would rather be anywhere but where she stood. What a sock. Taking in a deep breath and hoping not to make a fool of herself, she fake exclaimed, “What a surprise.” Maybe it was not so fake, just sounded that way. NAtasja said nothing, just stared. She was not ready. At least that was what had been drilled into her head by Natalie. She was not ready to face Rebecca yet. But here she stood. Natasja expected to feel hatred or maybe no emotion. The headache should have spoken for her subconscious; but there was no headache. She was standing in front of the girl who drove her insane and she felt no negative feelings. Granted, she did not feel anything but that was not the point. Maybe being ready was never a possibility, then. She looked behind Rebecca for a distraction and met the perfect one, black Adonis. She gulped as a sudden attack of nerves hit her. He looked divine, his skin milky or rather chocolate smooth except for a sprinkling of tiny acne bumps at his jaw. He said something to the beauty beside him, most like his girl friend before giving his attention to her. But it was not Natasja he gave his focus to but rather the scene he envisioned being played out before him. The scene where she had bumped into Rebecca after not seeing her since the bedroom showdown- that scene, definitely not screwed up her. Good distraction he turned out to be. “Uhm, hey Rebecca,” greeted Natasja absentmindedly. They made a cute couple, Natasja noted with a bit of annoyance. “Haven’t seen you in a while?” She cut her thoughts short and looked directly at Rebecca. The situation was less than ideal but hopefully a scene would not be made. She could see a slideshow of the last days she had seen her. Any romantic thoughts quickly died as she came up to a sudden mental block. That’s right, she could not feel and because most of those thoughts involved sharp emotions, they came back lackluster, herself playing the observer instead. Running a hand through her hair she let out a soundless sigh. “It’s been a while,” agreed Rebecca looking strangely pained. Maybe she did not want to be around me because she thought Natasja would bad mouth her in front of her friends. Or maybe she just hates being around you. The latter thought was unsettling, minorly. Natasja had grown up enough with all the rejection she received at school which meant that she had learnt to ignore unconstructive criticism. Rebecca could not influence her. Or so she said to herself. “Well this awkward, who are your friends? They look cute.” Let’s get this show on the road already. She could not exactly fight the unknown. Rebecca immediately seemed to gain control of herself and dived right in with the introductions. She already knew Giovanni and greeted him if warily- they were not friends after all. The girl was his date, Milan. In Natasja’s opinion it perfectly fit, the Wolmer’s guy always seeking out arm candy, however gorgeous. Introduction over, she wanted to leave before she found out that jealousy was an emotion that drugs could not diminish, especially when Adonis placed his arms oh so lovingly around her. Perfect. “How is your sister?” asked Giovanni casually, indicatin that she should sit with his free hand. How elegant a simple flicking of the hands could be was mind boggling. She stood there for a complete minute, in her opinion just fathoming the intricacies of the 92

Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo action. When her senses came back at the pointed stare of everyone, she felt like a complete idiot. Rebecca saved her. “You two know each other, that is so weird.” Rebecca looked at the both of them with a nervous smile marring her face. Natasja wondered if that was the right word, awkward, yes, weird, no and she said as much. “Not really, it’s plain awkward actually.” “Huh, this seems interesting, both of you sit.” That was Milan. She had a confused but pleasantly so expression softening her already delicate beauty, her eyes alight with possible mischief. The two girls not wanting to seem rude did as was bid. “Now explain, do I detect competition?” Natasja who was trying to arrange herself properly as she sat beside Giovanni with Rebecca blocking any exit immediately focused on the girl. Giovanni just sat back with a careless grin on his face, looking reminiscently of the time when she saw him with Chase awhile back. Natasja wiggled more comfortable into her uncomprising seat before responding and even then took a moment to construe a response. “I can’t exactly say that he isn’t hot but that wasn’t my exact line of thought.” She hoped her voice sounded quite as casual as she had intended it. “Well now you have me interested,” chimed in Rebecca in all seriousness. “I can just bet what going through your mind darling, quit it.” With all the romance movies that Rebecca read, it was a little disconcerting the amount of scenarios Rebecca could concoct from her well-edited statements. Milan and Giovanni had all but stopped eating as the focused on the conversation. And shockingly Giovanni prevented her from replying. “Sadie ran her over about four months ago here when we were to be meeting a friend to watch a movie. Later we met again when she totally asked Chase out only to stand him up.” Natasja’s as well as Rebecca’s jaws fell whereas Milan laughed at the scene her portrayed. If it had not been so horrifically misinterpreted, Natasja was certain it would be funny. She could not even form the word to discredit the latter statement when Milan between fits of laughter asked about Chase dating Natalie. Thus began the tale where Rebecca questioned if it was her sister that Chase was dating and Giovanni making noncommittal grunts as he finally found the appeal of food but not before the glint of devilish mischief brightened his cats’ eyes. The truth was derived from the other two girls as they babbled more about her sister. “Oh, so that means you hooked up your sister with Chase by pretending to be the date?” Or maybe the story was still a bit confused. “Let me explain,” she finally replied. The quartet spoke for about two hours easily before anything of concern came up. It was when the subject of CXC finally popped up by Giovanni complaining about his school based assessment, SBA, which any level of seriousness came back to them. The SBA’s which were a critical part of one’s CXC grade were really mini projects that teachers graded and gave the results to the CXC board. Giovanni apparently was stressing over his Geography SBA which was one major project unlike the multiple mini project Biology, Chemistry and Physics students got. Natasja listened making the appropriate noises as she thought of her own SBA’s due the next day. Her Chemistry teacher was being a total you-know-what and refused to let the SBA books out of the cupboard to take home. All because Jada, who was in Natasja’s

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo class, had misplaced her book, the entire sixty odd students Mrs. Price taught would have to suffer. Natasja did not understand why anybody had to be such a daft fool and steal the girl’s book when everyone readily leant out their books. It was a team effort, no one person could manage to keep up to date on all the SBA’s so they helped each other, looking up things for each other and helping them with their labs. Now, instead of being able carry their books home to talk everything out over Facebook or on the phone, they had to write them up in a thirty five minute session while the teacher nagged about organic chemistry. Even Natasja who was practically the leprous girl was able to benefit from her year mate’s kindness via the social sites. Now she was stumped having three sba’s to finish by the end of tomorrow. As they related their SBA woes, Rebecca became noticeably quiet. She seemed to just zone out of the group, looking anywhere but at the others. No one seemed to notice as Natasja just steam rolled into the topic and covered any awkward pauses. She did not know what she should think. She knew her family would want her to leave well enough to be in Rebecca’s case. Her own thoughts seemed to shy away from wanting to know what the problem was but her nagging conscience, though lessoned, was still curious about what was going on through the other girl’s mind. It was now a question of what to do. “I am gonna go to the bathroom a sec, Rebecca?” Acquiescence were uttered and the two girls left for the bathroom. As they made their way to the bathroom, Natasja could not help but feel awkward. Everytime she had tried to help Rebecca before,it ended with her being hurt. It was weird but even with that fact so clearly stated in her mind, she knew that she would forever regret not doing everything she could for Rebecca. She no longer blamed herself wholeheartedy for the rot that her old friend had gotten into but she had been partially responsible, as a friend who had been a hypocrite. She bit her lips, trying not to back out but kinf of wishing she could just stay out of Rebecca’s problems. But it would always fall to one thing, Natasja remembered everything about Rebecca. Nervousness was a part of her being, enfolding her in a dusty cloud of ant’s nests. She could not settle in the back seat of Mr. Sinclair’s car beside Natalie. Natalie provided no comfort for her, also jittering about, talking like it was her last minute and she had the most urgent things to say…as though she were a Martin Luther King. “Mom can you tell me about the school please, is it really snobbish? That’s what people say you know.” Mrs. Sinclair who was at the front passengers seat just turned around momentarily and smiled at the two girls, “ Do not worry, highschool is only what you make of it.” Said in her tolerantly amused voice Natasja did not take any heed to what she was saying, and neither did Natalie beside her, apparently as she continued chattering on about her new school. Seeing the school for the first time was a shock. The school looked pretty with a tennis court and a seating area covered with vines shading it. It was sort of stepping back in time where nature looked so rustically beautiful but at the same time so obviously the school screamed ‘elite’. Tennis after all was not the sport for the poor and judging from the gigantic pool next to it, the school seemed to be going for the jugular. But aside from that the school cold have passed for simply different with construction work marking the landscape with boards artfully arranged to not detract from the surroundings and pebbles lining the walk way, crunching noisily underneath the students gleaming black shoes that 94

Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo quickly faded to grey-brown as the day progressed. This was a school that was clearly different from the poorer schools she had seen in passing before. Natasja quickly made her way to class and just as quickly wished she had never arrived. Gulping down as tears of terror and discomfort assailed her she tried in vain to assess her class in a more positive light than her flight glance led her to believe. White people, Indians, Chinese, and yeah of course the not so terrifying black were there too. She knew she was being racist but she could not help it. She was in Jamaica and the only time she saw Caucasians was on the television and to be honest, no where outside of the tv box. Chinese was not so bad but really, she only ever saw them in wholesales. Indians was the least problematic of the three, they could be rich or whatever in the mix but somehow Natasja highly doubted that the children before her could ever be described as being within her social circle. She had never been in a class with the students being of a different colour than black and so she was on the verge of a panic attack. “Uhm, this is 1G right?” asked a soft voice behind her, looking just as anxious as Natasja had looked ten minutes ago. Natasja had not really wanted to face the person knowing that if they were one of the Caucasian or Chinese children she would utterly freak out. The girl, however, was a petite, delicately chubby girl who had the most squeezable cheeks ever. Natasja let out a breath as she gave her first unsteady smile since entering the school. “Yeah, it is.” The girl peaked around Natasja’s shoulders and gave a screm of delight as she saw a friend and the conversation if it was that, ended. That had been the first time she had seen Rebecca Sanchez as the register later in class identified her as. And because of that one appearance of normality, Natasja relaxed slightly and settled into class. As the days progressed, the ice finally melted somewhat to a shake worthy shake like the one you got a Burger King. Natasja read novels throughout her classes, all the while trying to hide the cover as they were so gross. They were romance novels and a few boys who sat near to her had already snickered about it. There was one girl though who seemed really interested in them. The first time Natasja noticed her was when she had come to her locked and asked to see the novel. The girl was Indian so obviously Natasja was on her guard. She had dark oily skin and an elf like face with a small mouth, small pert nose and wide dark brown eyes that though pretty could not compete with the beauty of her hair, as long and vibrant as the Mississippi river and as wild and untamed as a desert forest. It reached her to the middle of her back and was plaited into about a dozen large plaits. “Hey can you bring one for me tomorrow?” she asked as she finished skimming though the blurb. Natasja had to do a double take at that. No one else seemed to read these novels. “Wow, you are one of the only persons I know who read novels.” She gave a mischievous smile and then admitted quite cheerfully, “Love them just that my mom doesn’t buy them for me.” Blink, blink…satisfied that she had hear correctly a big grin lit Natsaja’s face, “That’s so cool, I’ll look for one for one, any special kind?” That was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Her name was Zhane. Natasja started eating with Zhane and apparently Rebecca and Zhane had become friends so we too became friends. Danielle was also a close friend of Zhane’s so Natasja made yet another friend. The quadruplet was crazy. Zhane and Natasja both loved to read, Danielle and Zhane could both act outlandishly ghetto and feisty at times and Rebecca was the darling baby of the group. The soon found out they had Harry Potter in

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo common and that was where casual friendship turned into complete true friendship. They watched the movies together over Rebecca’s house which was in Natasja’s mind very huge and perfectly rich. The wealth did not matter though at that point, half the school was rich so she was bound to have at least one rich friend. Natasja remembered them watching Disney channel together with Zac Effron and Corbin Bleu of High School Musical being our ultimate crushes. From the others she learnt to do her work and rarely cheated. They bonded especially close in this manner. At the time, Rebecca’s parents were strict about grades- either high grades or a fate that always left their friend crying earnestly at the sight of a seventy percent. We boosted each other and just acted like sisters. And that sisterhood had lasted four years until one of the four, namely Natasja decided to be different. Cutting into that memory, however, was the bittersweet memory of Lillian-her very first friend. That memory as far more vague and only glimpses remained but one thing was certain, Natasja had wanted Lillian best friend as her own. That started animosity on both sides but the only thing that mattered was that she was surrounded by the coolest person she knew- Renee. She was confident, poised, upper-class with the clipped accept and all. She was simply amazing to Natasja eleven year old mind- a mind that was used to poverty and the meanest people having been a part of a dysfunctional family until she was nine. And Lillian with her musically inclined, over talented self wanted to have something that made Natasja feel like more of a person. It made her dislike her from the very offset. Renee had inspired both Lillian to write as she herself wrote beautifully. Natasja found that she was extremely passionate about it, She could write anything, she could release her own personality into her characters and mould them which was unlike any other experience she had had before. And then during stalemates with Lillian ahw would read her stories and she would read Natasja’s. But as Natasja read more and more of Lillian’s story, she began to see similarities with her own and it nearly made her explode in anger. Tears could not express how torn she was to see her story duplicated. It was like being raped was one of the kindest ways that Natasja put it. Her work defiled, she hated Lillian. But even with all this animosity, at times, it was as if they were true friends, they consoled each other when no one else really understood what they were feeling. Especially when Renee got caught cutting herself and drinking at school, it was only the two girls left. Not even Zhane and the others could quite understand the bond they had. Throughout the gothic slash emo phase, they were together. They tried to help each other but because they never truly forgave each other for all the malice they put towards each other in first form, they soon broke up again, Lillian to be with friends from another class and Natasja to focus on pulling out of the doldrums with her other friends. Natasja had given up writing and only read while Lillian with her new crew were known as the future best-selling authors and never again did their paths cross. The two girls, at the age of twelve and half realized was that they were happier with their other friends and the past, whatever friendship they had should have been discarded. And only their original hatred remained.

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo “Tahj, are you okay?” asked Rebecca, holding Natasja’s hugging her in a comforting though awkward manner. Natasja felt tears scalding her face and realized with a start that she had been crying. She looked up in her old friend’s face and at the sight of the concern in the no longer childishly plump face of Rebecca, she just wanted to burrow her head in her shoulders and cry. Absently she thought she might need to take her medication as she definitely was feeling something. Forgetting about Rebecca’s problems for the first time, she could only cry. “I-I’m”, she could not find the words that she really wished to use at that moment. She did not even know what she wanted to say but seeing Zhane and Jessica walk in just then made her cry even more. “I’m sorry,” Natasja whispered as she tried to wipe her eyes to clear the evidence from them and she ran away.

Big Girls Don’t Cry (“We laughed until we had to cry, we loved right down to our last goodbye, but over the years we'll smile and recall for just one moment we had it all."Unknown) Chapter 10 Zhane had invited some friends over for a study marathon after her extra classes. She was officially on study leave and teachers were arranging dates all over the place so that her classmates could get consultation. At first Rebecca thought she would have to stay over Zhane’s house and study by herself but when she had asked if she could go, Zhane had shrugged and just dragged her with her. Rebecca could not explain how heavenly it had been to go back to her old school and learn. The teachers who had previously confused her were explaining everything. She could ask dozens of questions as thay went through past papers and she felt totally invigorated for the study marathon at Zhane’s home afterwards. Rebecca was sitting at the back of the 6A lecture room where the chemistry consultation with Miss. James was taking place. Shanice was at the board doing one of the Chemistry of Cooking questions involving the baking of dough and carmelisation. Rebecca was doing a multiple choice from 2000.The questions were repetitive and she loved it. The first couple of times he had needed her textbook to stand vigil beside her folder paper with her answers but as one past paper turned into another the folder papers had grown in number to about ten and her textbook was on the table in front of her. It was amazing, she felt right at home . Rebecca looked up at Shannon’s answer on the board trying to assimilate the information but really, cooking stuff was not her strong suit. “Shannon, could you explain that? What is happening to the starch from the flour?” Shannon explained everything, going over the board with her finger and Miss. James just looked on nodding at points. By the end of the lecture Rebecca felt it safe to return to the textbook and confirm the mysteries of cooking. Why was cooking even a part of the exam, she thought for not the first time. 97

Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo The chemistry textbook was not as confusing to read as it had been before. It only cemented her thought processes now. It was a week before CSEC and while others who Rebecca had always thought of as smart and did not have to worry about anything sat in the class looking confounded, she looked on in astonishment. What a year or more of teaching had not explained this week had and it had not taken Zhane fighting her constantly. The thought of Zhane cussing anyone was enough to make her chuckle. Never. There was no external force driving her to achieve. Instead she found that in her mind she had a choice but the choice was made without really considering it. She could continue by herself as she had been doing before or she could accept that she was not alone, she friends who were all going through the same crap as her. CSEC did not torture some and leave others unaffected. People like Shannon responded with hard won determination, battling every challenge and hounding her books like some went to parties or ate sweets. And others balanced it out even though Rebecca would not have thought so at first. Tatiana and Jessica seemed to idle during fourth form but as fifth form kicked in, the extra lessons had apparently become their best friends and sleep became a distant dream. And there were people like Rebecca who it seemed could not have a break at first, always failing- but shockingly at the end of the day, she would find her way to the exams, prepared and ready to roar! At least a tiny roar of 74% as her grades looked so far and that was an average of all her grades so she was practically set.

Finale:

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Jodi-Ann Fletcher Change My Style Yo Chances are…life continues but will you

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