C Political Glossary 13 Feb

A Political Glossary (courtesy of the Onion) •

Delegate--A demented, often screaming individual who experiences intense arousal at the sight of a

vertically printed placard bearing his or her state's name. •

absentee ballot--A form of voting that does not involve the inconvenience of having to get up off the couch

and walk to a high school gymnasium. •

Ballot--An object recording a voter's decision that is frequently counted toward an election's outcome.

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Caucus--The process by which Americans are quadrennially reminded of Iowa's existence. change—Change can be found : a-In the air/wind.

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b-At hand. c-Inside us all.

Convention--The best four-day-long chance a politically active, overweight Kia salesman from Tulsa has to

nail one of them blond Fox anchors. •

Corruption--The most effective and efficient way to produce results in government.

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Debate--A contest to see which candidate can answer the fewest questions.

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Democracy--A moderately representative plutocracy.

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Diebold voting machine--A sophisticated, computerized balloting terminal that electronically changes

your vote into a vote for Mitt Romney. •

election worker--A male or female at least 70 years of age.

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electoral college--A process by which the number of states in the Union is narrowed down to the most

important seven or eight. •

Experience--A quantitative score any politician may increase by slaying foes or solving riddles.

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Hope--An intangible object within every American that is destroyed every four years in November.

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Likability--The degree to which each candidate is able to hide the extent to which he or she is full of it

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Lobbyist--A better-paid legislator.

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MoveOn.org--A company offering routine tests of your e-mail's spam filter. Platform—1 A list of the subjects that candidates are willing to discuss. 2.A raised structure, almost entirely

covered by flags, upon which candidates are placed. •

political consultants--Individuals who are very savvy politically, but don't have enough hair to run for

office themselves. political philosophy, conservative— great way to meet chicks at Princeton University. •

political philosophy, liberal--An ideology steeped in a proud tradition of ineffectual whining.

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Pollster--A person who willingly communicates with the elderly.

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Rock The Vote--Something that is, apparently, still happening.

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voter apathy--The reason most American politicians are able to achieve and maintain office