Brawny Field Guide

Hey there. It’s good to have you here. You know, there’s nothing like chopping wood to the melody of the red-throated loon to help you realize what’s important. Like being a dependable, strong, yet caring man. The kind of man who says “Honey, let me do that.” That’s just what we teach you here at Brawny Academy. So curl up with your favorite power tool and get ready to learn how to become a better man.

CHAPTER 1

THE HISTORY OF THE BRAWNY MAN

THICK, WELL-GROOMED HAIR (NO PLUGS)

KNOWLEDGE OF HOW EVERYTHING WORKS AND PROBLEM-SOLVING ABILITIES

TRIMMED EYBROWS

GOOD HEARING FOR LISTENING

An Inside Glimpse into the Man and Legend

N

o one is exactly sure where the Brawny Man comes from, but the lore surrounding his origin is as rich as his silky brown hair. Some say he was created by Sanitarius, the Greek goddess of hearth and home; some say he was created by a paper company. Yet perhaps the most outrageous story is told by two hunters who, while camping i n t h e Bl u e R i d g e Mo u n t a i n s , w e re confronted by a grizzly bear. While being viciously attacked, they reported seeing a “hulking, giant-sized man emerge from thin air wielding an ax.” His presence was so intimidating that the bear caught one glimpse of him and died of a heart attack right there on the spot.

FLANNEL SHIRT (PRESSED)

HANDSOME, GENUINE SMILE

RIPPLING MUSCLES FOR HEAVY LIFTING AND CLEANING MAN-HANDS WITH A CARING TOUCH

LARGE MUSCULAR THIGHS (FOR SWIFT MOVEMENT IN CASE OF DANGER OR CONFRONTATION)

In any case, the general public first came to know him in 1974, when he appeared on 1974-2003 the outer packaging of Brawny paper towels. Since then, he has continued his reign as the Brawny ambassador while simultaneously pursuing philanthropic duties around the world. The Brawny Man even penned a number one dance hit in Sweden under the pseudonym “Kopernicus Redgrave.”

The Brawny Man

Over the years, he has become a literal human representation of the paper towel’s qualities. Brawny Academy Dependable and strong, yet caring. The very characteristics that we believe any man can achieve with a little time, dedication, and hard work.

SIZE 12 SHOE (FOR CARRYING WOMEN, SMALL ANIMALS, OR THE ELDERLY TO SAFETY)

The Modern-Day Brawny Man

“Te Amo” means “I love you” in Spanish. Tell her you love her in a different language every day.

GUIDE FOR HUSBANDS

LESSON 1: REMOVING A RED WINE STAIN Drinking wine is difficult, but confronting an angry wife after spilling a glass on the velour sofa can be downright tough. But take heart. Even the most stubborn red wine is no match for the Triple Action Performance™ of Brawny ® paper towels. First, calm your wife by suggesting that she and her sister adjourn to a relaxing day at the spa while you tend to the spill. You

ESTIMATING YOUR WIFE’S LINGERIE SIZE

will need to work quickly to give Brawny time to soak up as much of the wine as possible.

Fig. 1a:

RIGHT Cover the spill quickly with a Brawny paper towel and blot

Buying your wife lingerie is a wonderful way to show her you care. The downside is it’s probably the trickiest of all gifts to buy. Not only do men have different opinions than women about styles*, picking the right size from the endless racks of satin and lace can be dizzying. However, there’s no need to worry. The Brawny Man has created this handy little chart to guide you through the rocky terrain of buying intimate apparel by using different types of beer to determine her size.

(Fig. 1a). Then, dilute the area with warm water using a sponge. Sprinkle with a moderate amount of talcum powder; let sit. Finally, take a fresh Brawny paper towel and wipe clean.

LIGHT AMERICAN PILSNER ( light and delicate in body ) PALE ALE ( still light but surprisingly rich in body ) BOCK ( solid and satisfying with a nuance of spice )

Fig. 1b:

WRONG Do not cover up the stain with an accent pillow (Fig. 1b). If caught (and you will get caught), you will be banished to the couch for an indeterminable stretch of loveless nights (Fig. 1c).

Fig. 1c:

HEFEWEISEN ( pleasantly well-rounded; a classic) STOUT ( voluptuous in body and intriguingly bold ) EXTRA STOUT ( divinely full-bodied with an extra kick of flavor )

XS S M L XL XXL

*Above all, resist the urge to buy anything edible or made of latex.

Remember to bathe regularly as women have finely tuned olfactory senses and can sense smells with the precision of a hawk.

GUIDE FOR HUSBANDS

LESSON 2: CLEANING THE TOILET Missing the toilet is an unavoidable part of being a man. Studies show it goes back to when cavemen had to “mark” their caves to show ownership. But you don’t live in a cave, and you should know how to clean up your throne. Don’t worry—it’s not difficult, and you’ll have strong, absorbent Brawny® paper towels between you and any questionable specimens.

1. Lift the toilet seat to survey the damage (and there will be damage). Spray the rim and underside of the seat accordingly with antibacterial cleaner.

2. Wait one minute while the cleaner soaks in. Then take a folded Brawny paper towel and wipe down the

THE STRONG YET GENTLE WAY TO REMOVE A SPIDER When finding a spider in the home, it’s easy to just step on it and flush it down the toilet. Unless you’re the Brawny Man, whose gentle nature would never permit such cruelty. Spiders have important roles in nature’s hierarchy and should be treated with respect. First, calm your wife by telling her how great her hair looks. Then casually say, “Hey, why don’t you call your mom?” Once she’s gone, take out a Brawny paper towel and place it on the floor behind the spider.* Gently blow on the creature until it crawls to the center of the towel. Finally, fold the corners into a makeshift carrying pouch and take it outside to a quiet section of grass and let him crawl out at his leisure (shaking him out is too traumatic).

rim and underside of the seat.

3. Lower and spray down top of the seat. Wipe down with a

NO

YES

fresh sheet of Brawny. (If necessary, repeat steps 2 and 3 until the porcelain shines and you experience the primal urge to soil it again.)

4. Sprinkle some fresh rose petals into the shiny white toilet bowl to remind her of springtime in Paris. She’ll like that.

*Before attempting the removal, visualize setting the spider free into the wild and him reuniting with his wife and children. Talk to the spider and tell him it’s going to be okay.

Add up all of your bad habits such as smoking cigars, then multiply them by 17. This is the number of times you should buy her flowers every month.

GUIDE FOR HUSBANDS

WHAT YOU WILL NEED:

LESSON 3: REPAIRING CIGAR BURNS IN CARPETS The only thing that can upset your wife more than Poker Night with the guys is finding an unsightly cigar stain on her new carpet. And because lighter shades such as “Blushing Rose,” “Champagne Dreams,” and “One Night in Paris” are the most popular, removing

1 (ONE) pair of sewing shears

the charred evidence can be particularly challenging. But take heart–Brawny® paper towels can help. First, distract your wife with tickets for her and her mother to attend a live taping of Poetry on Ice. Once they’ve left, do a quick set of push-ups to mentally prepare yourself for the task ahead. Then take a deep breath and square off with the cigar stain. Using a pair of sewing shears, gently trim the blackened fibers from the hole;

1 (ONE) tube of superadhesive glue

HOW TO RECOGNIZE WHAT CHORES NEED TO BE DONE RIGHT NOW The Brawny Man prides himself on doing chores without being asked. In fact, your wife is constantly giving off clear, unmistakable signals correlating to the areas of the home that need attention. But if for some reason you have a hard time reading these signals, refer to these diagrams from the Brawny Academy. TM

discard. Administer liquid glue to the fibers of the affected spot. Then dab excess glue, starting from the edges, with a Brawny paper towel. Finally, plug clean carpet fibers (pulled from an inconspicuous patch) into the area and allow to set. Fig. 3a: Distraction and physical/mental preparation

1 (ONE) roll of BRAWNY paper towels

Take out the trash.

Give her money.

Mow the lawn.

Cancel poker night.

Go away.

Pick up the kids from camp and take them to eat at Meaty’s Pizza.

Fig. 3b: Well done, soldier–ante up!

2 (TWO) strong yet caring hands

Remember, the more time you spend cleaning up inside, the more time you get to enjoy outside.

GUIDE FOR HUSBANDS

LESSON 4: CLEANING WINDOWS

To begin, spray the window with cleaning solution (Fig. 4c). Then take one Brawny paper towel and wipe in a tight circular motion* (Fig. 4d). When you can see your reflection in

As the Brawny Man himself once said, “A window is like a

the glass, pat yourself on the back–you’ve just nailed the art of cleaning windows.

beautiful woman. The more you care for her, the more light she’ll bring into your life.” Coincidentally, cleaning the windows is a wonderful way to show your wife you care. Fig. 4a: Triple Pack is ideal

But window grime can be a surprisingly tough enemy. And when you’re 10 feet up in the air battling the elements, you’ll need a wingman by your side. Enter Brawny ® paper towels (Fig. 4a) with patented designed Fig. 4c: Spray window liberally

Scrubbing Circles ® (Fig. 4b). Disguised as harmless decoration, they attack grime much like a shark, catching it off guard, then ripping its arms and legs off before devouring it whole.

Fig. 4b: Brawny Scrubbing Circles.

Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither was the Brawny Man. Indeed, the road to manliness is a tough one, fraught with many pitfalls, and the fact of the matter is, you’re going to slip up at one point or another. But even this presents yet another opportunity to show what kind of man you are.

Fig. 4d: Use tight circular motion

* You may find that the Brawny towel does most of the work, making you feel small and insignificant. This feeling is perfectly normal. Just remember – you are a special person with many talents of your own.

Just choose the appropriate apologetic token and present it to your wife with the words “I’m sorry.” Because, as the Brawny Man once said: “He who has stumbled knows it’s not his mistake that will be remembered but how quickly he stands back up.”

FORGETTING TO TAKE OUT TRASH =

ACCIDENTALLY WEEDWHACKING HER PETUNIAS =

ENTIRE SATURDAY WATCHING FOOTBALL =

SHRINKING HER “SKINNY” PANTS IN THE DRYER =

at classy romantic DVD (apology) (meal restaurant ) ( of her choice )

diamond (apology) (two-karat ) (fluffy kitten) necklace

signed copy of (apology) ( totickets ballet ) (Sense and Sensibility)

to surprise party for (apology) (certificate day spa ) ( mother-in-law )

THE BRAWNY MAN MASK: A SHORT CUT TO BECOMING MORE LIKE THE BRAWNY MAN.

If, by chance, you ever find yourself slipping from your training (like experiencing a sudden urge to drink from the carton or clip your toenails in bed), take heart. Simply say to yourself, “I am a strong, dependable, yet caring man” five times and apply this mask. The old adage “seeing is believing” will help you step back into the driver’s seat of success. Skeptical? Try wearing the mask around the house or even the neighborhood. In doing so, you might find yourself voluntarily putting down the toilet seat, which takes courage. Or helping an elderly lady cross the street. Maybe you’ll even find yourself starting a petition to save the habitat of the North American rain slug. After a few days, you’ll be able to do these kinds of things without even wearing the mask. Because a man whose life is governed by action tastes the sweet nectar of a life well-acted. *While wearing the mask, refrain from inexplicable impulses to chop down neighborhood trees, try your hand at bird calling, or unnecessary whittling.

INSTRUCTIONS: 1. Cut out mask along dotted line. 2. Tie mask around your face. TIE STRING

TIE STRING

HERE

HERE

CUT OUT MASK ALONG THE DOTTED LINE

3. Pick up something large and throw it. See? You’re more take charge already!

OLD, UNCONFIDENT YOU:

NEW REVITALIZED YOU:

www.brawnyacademy.com

THE BRAWNY MAN ISN’T TOLD TO DO CHORES; HE VOLUNTEERS FOR THEM.

Honey, let me do...

Believe it or not, the day will come when your husband actually volunteers to do chores. But until his transformation into a better, more dependable man is complete, use this clever refrigerator magnet to help motivate him. It has subliminal visual cues designed to stimulate the “Honey, Let me Do That” section of your husband’s brain. The rustic wood grain graphics and sly, knowing expression of the Ridge-Backed Heron will arouse his inner instinct to protect the homestead, thus encouraging him to sign up for task after task. Simply cut the magnet out and fasten it to your refrigerator with one of your other refrigerator magnets.

Notes and Important Numbers:

My Address: Wife’s Cell Phone Number: Anniversary Date: Wife’s Birthday: Wife’s Sister’s Name:

Notes:

This book

:

belongs to

Visit Brawny Academy at www.brawnyacademy.com