Blame It All On Madonna

BLAME IT ALL ON MADONNA By Miguel Paolo Celestial Published WestEast Men Spring/Summer 2009 Celebrity divorces come and go, some more memorable than others because of the size of settlements involved. But none has thus far earned as much tabloid coverage as the divorce of pop idol Madonna and film director Guy Ritchie. With them, it’s not just about the amount of money and the fact that a woman’s dispensing it, but the extent of discussion that has erupted around the couple. Below is a fictional line-up of the most controversial topics inspired by the splitup—from the point of view of Guy Ritchie’s fans. Rock and roll her over Don’t believe a word the crackpot critics say. Guy Ritchie is the bomb and the best thing that’s happened to British cinema. Crashed it and put some oomph and kick into it. ‘Tis a shame they decided not to do a sequel on his gangsta flick RocknRolla, no matter how similar they claim it is to his Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch. I dun’ care. No money, they say, tsk tsk. But why in heaven’s sake did Guy put his name on such crap as Swept Away? A gift to her royal Madge? Did she threaten him? Gimme a break. High school actors can pull it off better than her. RocknRolla2 any day. Poor Guy. I doubt his new millions are worth the dent in his career. - Ashton Martin A-rod not A-ok Oh just tell me. How could she do it? Rub not just salt but friggin’ chili peppers into the wound. How callous can you get to let your kid wear a New York Yankees t-shirt when everybody knows you’re doing A-rod, aka Alex Rodriguez, who is a slugger for the team, right smack in the middle of your divorce proceedings? Doesn’t she have a heart? Such a wretched thing to do to poor old Guy. He has suffered long enough. And Rocco! Sure, the boy may enjoy baseball more than cinema, but I don’t think Madonna’s helping the child cope by thrusting him under the influence of another “father figure” without even asking his real dad. - Desperate Susie Dig for more Whoa! Fifty million pounds for eight years of bearing with her. I’m actually not sure if the deal’s really as sticky and sweet. I mean, sure, Guy must have loved Madge when they married, but look at the crazy hell he’s had to put up with. Sorry, but I don’t find it offensive to say serves her right. For once, it’s the man

who benefits from a failed marriage! She should leave him in peace with his London pub and 1,200-acre Wiltshire estate. Geez, I think Guy deserves even more! - Chauvinist Bill Sinewy not sexy I’ve had it up to here with this so-called feminist Madonna defense. I’ve been a woman for more than half a century, and I’ve never admired her, would never talk about her life to any of my daughters or granddaughters. She just doesn’t get it. It’s one thing to turn the tables on men and achieve the same ambitions, or even top them, but it’s another to actually look like them. Sigh, what lengths women have gone to to demean themselves. Her children deserve a better role model and Guy deserves more than an unbending queen. - Porgy-less Bess Madonna’s twelve commandments Pity her children! Not even prison camps have rules like hers. And just for a visit to Guy Ritchie, their very own father! Under no circumstances should they read newspapers, magazines, or be allowed to watch TV or DVDs. Maybe she wants them strapped to the couch watching nothing but her music videos. Not to mention her movies! They must adhere at all times to a macrobiotic, vegetarian, organic diet with no processed or refined food. I’m no ignorant mother, and I know the benefits of these types of food, but which planet does she want her sons to live in? At least let them sample what’s not good for them before she absolutely forbids them. It’s not as if they’ll suddenly get nightmares. Attack of the carcinogenic hamburger! They should wear the clothes Madonna has sent with them on the flight. If they need to be bought anything, they should not contain man-made fibers. Maybe she wanted them all in mink. Their hands should be regularly cleaned with disinfectant spray if they are in public places. Maybe the kids should also bring sprays to disinfect the germs from their friends! Oh wait, Madonna’s “protectiveness” has prevented them from having any! Madonna should have phone contact with the boys as much as three to four times a day at times set by her. Just to check up on them if they themselves have broken any of her rules. Madonna doesn’t trust the nanny, especially not Guy!

The boys should not be photographed while with Guy. It is his responsibility to organize security so that does not happen. I suppose she expects security to have paper bags always handy to cover the boys’ identities. At bedtime, Guy should read David the English Rose books Madonna wrote. So that David grows up exactly like her mother: a girl with muscles! - Indignant Brenda Reunited, it’s understood Did you see how Rocco ran into his father’s arms at the airport? As if he were relieved of such a big burden. Who’s heart wouldn’t melt to hear the kid yelp as if something chasing him had just turned around? Makes you think twice about the usual prejudice involved in deciding children’s custody. - Fair Al You’ll never know I bet there was a security man involved, what with Madonna’s Carlos Leon track record. - Pretty Spears Thunk again Maybe Madge needs to attend come classes under Guy’s mum, Lady Amber Leighton, who runs a finishing school, to fix her accent. Nobody should be allowed to get away with "Who would have thunk it?" no matter how much they have in the bank. - Lady Lala