Bard 01

GENERAL SCA SONGS BY VARIOUS AUTHORS -transcribed by Ioseph of Locksley * BOLD SIR ROBIN -Monty Python "Bravely bold Sir Robin Brought forth from Camelot He was not afraid to die Brave, bold Sir Robin He was not at all afraid To be killed in nasty ways Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.... He was not in the least bit scared To be mashed into a pulp Or to have his eyes gouged out And his elbows broken To have his kneecaps split And his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled Brave Sir Robin..... His And And And

head smashed in and his heart cut out his liver removed and his bowels unplugged his nostrils raped and his bottom burnt up his penis ....." *

A GRAZING MACE -Anonymous tune: "Amazing Grace" verses 1-5 by Skald-Brandr Toralfsson verse 6 is the original anonymous creation A grazing mace, how sweet the sound, that felled my foe for me I bashed his head, he struck the ground, and thus came victory My mace has taught my foes to fear, that mace my fear relieved How precious did my mace appear, when I my mace received Through many tourneys wars and fairs, I have already come My mace has brought me safe thus far, my mace will bring me home The King has promised good to me, his word my hope secures I will his shield and weapon be, when he gives me my spurs And when my mace my foeman nails, that mortal strife shall cease And we'll possess within our pale, a life of joy and peace A grazing mace, how sweet the sound that flattened a wretch like thee! whose head is flat, that once was round done in by my mace....and me!

*

* TOMORROW BELONGS TO ME! -Anonymous (Western Irgun version) tune: "Tomorrow Belongs To Me" (from "Cabaret") The sands of the Gobi lie gold in the Sun the Warriors and Herdsmen ride free But somewhere a voice calls: "Move on, Move on!" Tomorrow belongs to me! Ride westward, my children, new pastures are green Rich cities encircle the Sea 'Tis time for your Glory, so rise, and sing: Tomorrow belongs to me! The Outlands have grown too confused to defend The West has her back to the Sea The East and the Middle are weak from War Tomorrow belongs to me! Meridies weakens from internal strife Caid is her own enemy! And young Ansteorra's a babe-in-arms Tomorrow belongs to me! Ride westward my children, we'll show them a sign United we'll always be free! the morning shall come when the world is MINE! Tomorrow belongs to me! Oh Father-of-Kingdoms, come, show us the sign Your children have waited to see: The morning shall come when the World is MINE! Tomorrow belongs to me! *

* BIG AXE -Ragnar Morkwulf -last two verses: Ioseph of Locksley tune: "Big Iron" (Marty Robbins) "Ghost Riders In The Sky" To the land of Ansteorra sailed a Viking one fine day He rowed right up the river to Bjornsberg, so they say No one dared to ask the reason why he came into this land For the Viking there among them had a Big Axe in his hand. It was halfway to September when he swaggered into town He came striding from the Southside, slowly looking all around "He's a Viking out for plunder!" came the whisper from each man "And he's here to do some mischief with that Big Axe in his hand!" Now in this town there was a Norman, by the name of Jean-Eclair He was foppish, and a dandy, and wore perfume in his hair! But he was somewhat more than vicious with the rapier at his side And the many men who faced him were the many men who died. Now the Norman's skill at wenching and a milkmaid (or a Duchess) were He would use them for his pleasure And their menfolk greatly trembled

was a scandal in the land like putty in his hand and then send them home in shame at the mention of his name.

Now the Viking started talking, made it plain to folks around That he'd come to wreak his vengance on the Norman in the town Jean-Eclair had bed his sister, and no bride-price had he paid And he'd sent her back to Norway slightly after she'd been laid.... The Norman merely chuckled when this story he did hear He sharpened up his rapier - threw down another beer Forty vengance-seeking brothers he had slain - unto the man! forty-one would be this Viking with the Big Axe in his hand... The morning passed by quickly, then 'twas time for them to meet Wearing puffs and slashes, Jean-Eclair stood in the street The Viking, dressed in leather, and with furs upon his frame Was the object of the snobbish Norman's obvious disdain "I remember now your sister," said the Norman with a smile "You have similar taste in fashion, and no sense at all of style. I would rather slay your tailor, but I'll kill you where you stand You won'[t even have a chance to use that Big Axe in your hand!" "I sailed all da vay vrom Norway," said the Viking with a sneer "Not to enter fashion shows; for you would win, I fear. I come here to find a dog, whose blood I vowed to spill But it pleases me to see that you are dressed so - for to kill!"

Jean-Eclair glared at the Northman with a face turned scarlet-red His honour would not let him rest till Viking blood was shed Townsfolk watched them from the windows - everybody held their breath They knew this tacky Viking was a hand away from Death. * more * Big Axe (cont.) The Norman started forward, shining Murder in his hand, The Mistrels say the battle was the swiftest in the land Rapier'd barely cleared it's scabbard when the Axe came crashing down And the Norman toppled over, with the Big Axe for a Crown... It was over in a moment, and the folks all gathered round There before them lay the body of the Norman on the ground He had planned to go on living - never thought of lying dead But it's kinda hard to think when there's a Big Axe in your head! But then "Beneath And with And shot

the fop took off his hat, and grinned, and softly said these plumes I wear an iron cap upon my head!" an evil grin he pulled a pistol with a sigh the great big Northman square between his beady eyes!

So remember all you armoured folk, and think upon it well: There's lots of different ways to die; there's different ways to hell You might be big and hairy, on the side of Truth and all God makes Norsemen big and strong: Friar Bacon makes 'em small! * HARP SONG OF THE DANE WOMEN -Rudyard Kipling tune by Ioseph of Locksley What is a woman that you forsake her? and the hearth fire, and the home-acre? to go with the old, grey Widow-Maker? She has no house to lay a guest in but one chill bed for all to rest in that the pale suns and the stray bergs nest in She has no strong white arms to fold you but the ten times fingering weeds to hold you out on the rocks where the tide has rolled you Yet, when the signs of Summer thicken and the ice breaks and the birch-buds quicken yearly you turn from our side and sicken Sicken again for the shouts and the slaughters you steal away to the lapping waters and look at your ship in her winter quarters You forget our mirth, and talk at the tables the kine in the shed and the horse in the stables

to pitch her sides and go over her cables... Then you drive out where the storm clouds swallow and the sound of your oar-blades, falling hollow is all we have left through the months to follow Ah...but what is a woman that you forsake her? and the hearth fire, and the home-acre? to go with the old, grey Widow-maker?

* THE SCA HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG tune: "Volga Boatmen" Happy Birthday! (UHH!) Happy Birthday! (UHH!) Death and gloom and black despair People dying everywhere Happy Birthday! (UHH!) Happy Birthday! (UHH!) Now you are the age you are Your demise cannot be far

Fear and gloom and darkness but no one found out YOU KNOW WHAT

May the candles on your cake burn like cities in your wake

You're a period cook, its true ask the beetles in the stew

Burn the Castle and storm the keep Kill the Women but SAVE THE SHEEP!

Now your jail-bait days are done let's go out and have some fun!

May your deeds with sheep and yaks equal those with sword and axe

You must marry very soon baby's due the next full moon

Your servants steal, your wife's untrue Your children plot to murder you

Were I sitting in your shoes I'd go out and sing the blues

They stole your gold, your sword, your house They stole your sheep, but not your spouse

Tho you're turning 29 age to you is like fine wine

so you're 29 again don't tell lies to your good friend

Now you've lived another year age to you is like stale beer

So another year has passed don't look now they're gaining fast!

Long ago your hair turned grey now it's falling out, they say

Black Death has just struck your town you yourself feel quite run-down

It's your birthday never fear You'll be dead this time next year

We brought linen, white as cloud Now we'll sit and sew your shroud!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

*

* THE ANACHRONISTIC LOVER Author unknown (orig. SCA East Kingdom?) tune: "The Frozen Logger" As I sat down one evening 'twas in a wayside Inn a forty year old barmaid came and whispered by my chin I see that you're and not just some for no one but an stirs coffee with

an Anachronist modern jerk Anachronist a Dirk

I once loved an Anachronist there's none like him today he kissed me in a haystack once and burned up all the hay he never shaved a whisker from off his horny hide he'd just drive them in with a war-mace and then bite them off inside He never shaved a whisker until his helm was full and the device upon his shield bespoke a wild bull He vowed to me one evening no maidens were my peers he went off to prove his point and he's been gone TEN YEARS...! and so I lost my lover

and in this Inn I work and sit and wait for someone to stir coffee with a Dirk.... *

* THE BALLAD OF THE THREE KINGS -Sir Bela of Eastmarch copyright 1980 Poul Anderson Three Kings rode out on the road to Hell ravens flew on the gale the night wind rang like an iron bell and hissed with sleet and hail three Kings rode out thru the Gates of Hell and on to Death's Highway the King of the Britons the King of the Huns and the King of Nor-o-way! And and "Oh but

the King of the Britons was helmed with gold rode a stallion white all men go when they are cold I go not in fright! A goodly King who loved his Folk and guarded them with the rod.... and stake...and gallows....against themselves will surely go to God!"

And the King of the Huns was helmed in steel and rode a stallion red "Oh fiercely proud my fathers feel of me, who crowned my head halfway round a world in pain, which I did mightily win and surely I go to my Father's Fane and not to the evil Djinn!" And the King of Norway was helmed with wings and rode a stallion grey "Truly proud my heart now feels Odin gets me today! I died in bed, ah, but first I hung full many a squealing thrall

from Odin's Tree. With Rune on tongue I go now to Odin's Hall!" Three Kings rode out thru the depths of Hell with a bloody-breasted Hound that howls above black rivers that run icy beneath the ground Three Kings a Final Judgement won from the High God's lips that day: The Devil took the Briton, the Djinni took the Hun, and Hell took Nor-o-way! * * THE CAUSES OF REBELLION: LIE, LIE TO THE COUNCIL -Astra of the Grey Shadows copyright 1974 Ann Cass orig. tune: "Retreat Along The Wabash" a period tune has been written by Ioseph of Locksley Tell the truth to a Lord you trust MORE truth to a Lord you hate! Lie to a Lady, if lie you must, but since the Lords live far away and will not heed what the people say: Lie, Lie, Lie to the Council! Lie to the Heads of State! Where the low hills sit by the foggy Bay and the ground all shakes with fire the High Lords sit in Council today let them consider the Price they pay for calling a man a liar! With a title comes a certain power and a much more certain schooling a child may play in a castle tower but the Lord who does soon sees the hour He hasn't a Land worth ruling. For there isn't a man but has his doubts of the worth of those that rule him but the good ones he will not turn out unless he finds he's pushed about or he thinks they're trying to fool him there's many a man in the Lands of the East and a few in the West and Middle who hold a Lord sits LAST to Feast thinks FIRST of his men, their Lands and beasts and THEN of his Pride....a little. Now, what a man says, and what a man does are controlled by Laws and Reason; but half the cause of all men's fights:

what one man calls his Natural Rights another man may call Treason! So take care all you who sit in State take care when you come to judge the cost of a word in anger is great but greater still, in lasting Hate, is the cost of holding a grudge! So..tell the Truth to a Lord you trust, MORE truth to a Lord you hate! Lie to a Lady, if lie you must, but since the Lords live far away and will not heed what the people say... LIE! LIE! LIE TO THE COUNCIL! LIE TO THE HEADS OF STATE! *

* THE REAL OLD TIME RELIGION -only a few of the verses... tune: "Old Time Religion" (Chorus): Give me that real old time religion (3X) It's good enough for me! We will have a mighty orgy in the honour of Astarte it'll be a mighty party and it's good enough for me!

We will sacrifice we will sacrifice Burn a candle for and the Goat With

We will all be saved by Mithras We will all be saved by Mithras slay the Bull and play the Zithras on that Resurrection Day!

If your rising sign is Aries You'll be taken by the Fairies Meet the Buddah in Benares where he'll hit you with a pie!

I hear Valkyries a-comin In the air their song is comin they forgot the words! They're hummin! but they're good enough for me! We will venerate Bubastis We will venerate Bubastis If you want in, then just ask us! 'cause that's good enough for me! We will all bow down to We will all bow down to Pass your Cup and get a With bold Gilgamesh the

Enlil Enlil refill! Brave!

We will all see Aphrodite Though she's pretty wild and flighty She will meet us in her nightie

to Yuggoth to Yuggoth Yog-Soggoth a Thousand Young!

There are people into Voodoo there are people into Voodoo I know I do, I hope you do! and it's good enough for me!

We will read from the Kabahlah We will read from the Kabahlah It won't get us to Valhalla But it's good enough for me! There are some who practice Shinto there are some who practice Shinto there's no telling what WE'RE into! but that's good enough for me! We will all sing Hare Krishna We will all sing Hare Krishna It's not mentioned in the Mishna

And she's good enough for me!

But it's good enough for me!

It was good enough for Loki It was good enough for Loki He thinks Thor's a little hokey and that's good enough for me!

We will all go to Nirvana We will all go to Nirvana Make a left turn at Urbana And you'll see the Promised Land!

Here's to those who copy Conan Here's to those who copy Conan They're just Followers of Onan and that's good enough for me!

There will be a lot of lovin when we're meetin in our Coven Quit yer pushin and yer shovin So there's room enough for me!

final verse: It's the Opera written for us We will all join in the chorus it's the Opera about Boris which is Godunov for me.....! *

* STAND UP, STAND UP FOR ODIN -Robert Cook tune: "Stand Up For Jesus" Stand up! Stand up for Odin, you warriors of the beard! lift high the Raven Banner that half the world has feared! From Angleland to far Vinland shall sound the Warrior's Cry Till every foe is vanquished, and Odin reigns most high! March forth with steel flashing beneath the naked Sun and never stand at rest again 'til all the World is won! Let scarlet sword his symbol carve in every nation's sod 'Til every man still breathing stands up for OdinGod! Let and let And

ships with prows of Dragons the mighty oceans cleave every land not Odin's our crimson gifts receive Raven Banners fill the sky where every man has trod all the soil beneath them belong to OdinGod!

Stand up! Stand up for Odin, you Warriors of the North! With silver swords a-flashing to victory go forth! From Angleland to far Vinland our joyous conquest lead 'Til every foe is vanquished, and Odin's Lord, indeed! * WE ARE CALLED THE CHIVALRY -Anonymous tune: "The Invalids" We've all been touched by Royalty and wear a white sword belt and whether on or off the field, our presence will be felt! One warning we should give to all; please list to what we say:

Unless you also wear the belt, best not get in our way! (Chorus:) For we are called The Chivalry, our swords are very strong And while our steel controls the field, well, we can do no wrong! Our And For And

ranks are filled with the elite, the rest are cannon fodder as for social graces, well, we never have to bother. in this Current Middle Age, we're ROYALTY, not servants! if your armour's thick enough, who needs to be observant?

We're proud of being barbarous, our manners are alarming But when your arms are strong as ours, why bother being charming? If someone dares to criticise, in word, or deed, or song We challenge him to trial at arms, and show the world he's wrong! If someone rises in the field to challenge our control He doesn't worry us a bit, however brave or bold This man will not remain a threat, he'll not create a fuss We'll just give him a belt like ours, then he'll be one of us! *

* LOVER'S HEART -Andy Stewart Phil Cunningham recorded by Silly Wizard "A Glint of Silver" copyright 1986 Bracken Music Services Am G Am7 C Dm Dm7 F F-G She was in the flowery garden when first she caught my eye Am G Am7 C Dm7 G and I just a marching soldier; she smiled as I passed by Dm Em Am C C Am Dm E the flowers she held were fresh and fair, her lips were full and red Am G C Am Dm7 G7 C and as I passed that shady bower, these words to me she said C G C Am last night we spoke of love C Am Dm E now we're forced to part Am G C Am you leave to the sound of a marching drum Dm7 G7 C and the beat of a lover's heart She was by the shore in the evening when next I saw my dear running barefoot by the water side, she called as I drew near the sunlight glanced at the water's edge making fire of her auburn hair

my young heart danced at her parting words that hung in the evening air (chorus) She and she and

was on the Strand next morning when orders came to sail as we slipped our ropes away I watched her from the rail threw me a rose, which fell between us, and floated on the Bay as our ship pulled from the shore, I heard her call and say

(chorus) Now for Let and

the I'd the the

soldier's life won't suit me, sweet music rather melt the hardest heart than pierce time be short till I return to my home in loving girl who stole my heart with these

is my trade it with a blade the mountains high words as I passed by

(chorus) *

* ELRIC THE AWFUL -Ray Stevens Way back in history along the Nordic coast that was the sound all the people feared the most It would echo thru the night up and down the foggy fj-ord It was Elric and the bloodthirsty Horde! Chorus: Elric the Awful, the Brutal and Tenacious Elric the Awful, the Ruthless and Courageous Subtle as a chainsaw, lacking all the Social Graces You can run, but you cannot hide! YES! And as the oars of the sleek, fierce Viking ship cut thru the water like knives thru the fog-shrouded Nordic sea, transporting the wild, marauding band of Viking heathens stealthily towards their unsuspecting, slumbering victims, there he stood, on the foredeck, Elric the Awful, the wildest, bloodthirstiest Viking of them all! (his Momma named him Elric 'cause she couldn't spell AHHGGGRRRFFFFLLLLQQHH!) He had a hairy head, a hairy face, hairy chest, hairy legs, hairy boots and a hairy hat, shaped like a big bullet with horns comin' out the sides.....and once he started after ya he'd NEVER stop! He'd turn to his oarsmen in his 37 oared fj-ord and he'd say: "MORDEN BORDEN FJORDEN GORDEN!" which was Viking for: "YA-HOO!!!!!, RAVAGE, PILLAGE, PLUNDER, MAIM AND PUT BIG HICKEYS ON ALL THEM FAIR DAMSELS!"

Chorus: And it was Elric the Awful, the Brutal and Tenacious Elric the Awful, mercy sakes! and goodness gracious! His appetite for slaughter was simply voracious You gotta sleep with your sneakers by your side! YES! And when the villagers heard that awful battle-cry: * YA-HOOOOOOOOOOO! * That's the one! They would run for their lives, fleeing over hills and thru valleys to the river, whereupon they would walk mid-stream for 37 and 1/2 miles, climbing out on the low-lying branch, shinnying down a young sapling onto rocky ground and leaping from stone to stone until they arrived one week later at a secret cave 97 miles away, and as they sat down for the first time to catch their breath, outside they heard: "YA-HOOOO!!!! MORDEN BORDEN FJORDEN GORDEN!" Chorus: Yes, it was Elric the Awful, the Brutal and Tenacious Elric the Awful, turned up in the darndest places Subtle as a chainsaw, lacking all the Social Graces You can run, but you cannot hide! * more *

Elric the Awful (cont.) OH! And this time they cut south to Paris, bought tickets on the Orient Express to Istanbul, hired a U-Haul to the Coast, jumped a Greek freighter across the Mediterranian Sea to MON-golia, hooked up with a camel caravan into the heart of the Gobi Desert, and as they paused at an oasis, to lift one handful of cool water to their parched lips, over their shoulder they heard: "YA-HOOOO!!!! MORDEN BORDEN FJORDEN GORDEN!" They fled to Calcutta!

* YA-HOOOOOOOO! *

They fled to the Himalayas! * YA-HOOOOOOOO! * Tokyo!

* YA-HOOOOOOOO! *

Toronto! * YA-HOOOOOOOO! * Toledo and Heyhailea, Georgia..... * YA-HOOOOOOOO! * But it was no use! They finally succumbed to a savage plundering and pillaging followed by a big hickey party on the outskirts of what is now Washington, DC, where the decendants of Elric can still be found today, working as Special Agents for the IRS!

Elric later amassed a small fortune posing for Molly Hatchet album covers, and did stuntwork for Arnold Schwartzenegger in Conan the Barbarian! He also won an Academy Award for his dual role as a train wreck and his tender portrayal of King Kong's daddy! Oh, you might remember the end of that one: there wasn't a dry eye in the house when he married the Empire State Building. And who could forget the evening he ate the entire Kingdom of the East? With no sugar? Chorus: Elric the Awful, the Brutal and Tenacious Elric the Awful, the Hungry and Voracious Subtle as a chainsaw, lacking all the Social Graces You can run but you cannot hide! * YA-HOOOOOOOOOOO! * *

* FLOWER OF THE DESERT -Baldwin of Erebor On a warm winter's evening I stopped at an Inn I met a bold captain; a leader of men he asked me to join him, for he was alone and, as he was drinking, he spoke of his home (Chorus): Oh, Flower of the Desert Proud Father-of-Kingdoms the Land of the Phoenix; Oh Flower of the Desert:

full well may you boast! from mountains to coast! your works have been felt! Atenveldt!

When I was a young man and still in my prime My life stretched before me; I had plenty of time But now I'm an old man, and I number my days And I think of my homeland that seems so far away I've followed the Wars now for many a year Rode plenty of wenches; drank an ocean of beer Lived life to the fullest as a soldier must do but I'd trade it all, freely, for the Atenveldt blue! The fire died to embers; he drank steadily on When I woke in the morning the soldier was gone. But I think of his story wherever I bide What a beautiful Kingdom to inspire such pride!

* I'M A PELICAN AND I'M OK -Anonymous tune: "I'm A Lumberjack..." Oh, I'm a Pelican and I'm OK I work all night and I work all day! I autocrat, I run events, I order the lava'trie! On Sundays I clean up the camp; I'm always last to leave! Oh, I'm a Pelican and I'm OK I work all night and I work all day! I wear this bird around my neck to impress both young and old My talents they are many, and younger Peers I scold! Oh, I'm a Pelican and I'm OK I work all night and I work all day! When things go wrong it's me you seek to put them back on course If I'm not around to steer things right: there's always God, of course! Oh I'm a Pelican and I'm OK I work all night and I work all day! We stand around and polish Crowns of all the Royalty We fix Their Thrones, we make no bones, for Pelicans are we! Yes, I'm a Pelican I'm proud to say that if it's done right it's done MY way! *

* THE CATAPULT SONG tune: "Tramp Tramp Tramp" -Zoltan Kovacs -Heinrich Palantin -Su of the Silver Horn -Christobal degli Gilicine Oh they thought it was a joke when my catapult it broke And they said it would not fire beyond the wall So the Captain came to look, and I pulled the trigger hook And my catapult it caught him in the jaw! Flip, flip, flip, my Captain's flying High up o'er the Norman camp! Well, he landed with a thump and he crumpled in a lump with his head between his knees upon a stump! Yippee yea, my catapult's working Yippee yea, we'll have a ball! Oh we'll load it up again

with another Cap-i-tain and we'll fire the bloody bastard o'er the wall! * WILTED ROSE -Baldwin of Erebor copyright 1980 Derek Foster Once I was a Lady of the Blood Royale, a Ruler of this land Now I spend my time as an Old Used Queen, and I find it's not so grand (Chorus): With a heigh ho, derry derry down I sing: Never any fun for an Old Used Queen! My Lord spends his time out on the Field, and dreams of strawberry leaves I spend my days in a castle room..embroidering on his sleeves! The other Ladies sit and talk of Barons, Dukes and Kings But when I draw near they stand, and bow, and don't tell me a thing! The common folk may flout and flirt and frolic in the grass I'm the Model of Decorum..it's dull as hell!...no one will make a Pass! But someday soon, there'll be a change: I'm learning how to fight! And my Lord will learn, when I become a Duchess in my own damn Right! With a heigh ho, derry derry down he'll sing: Never any fun for an old used....King! * * THE ALCOHOLIC'S ANTHEM -Christchurch NZ University Revue tune: "Men Of Harlech" What's the use of drinking tea indulging in sobriety? (and) tee-total perversity? It's healthier to booze! What's the use of milk and water? these are drinks that never oughter be allowed in any quarter Come on, lose your Blues! Mix yourself a Shandy! Drown yourself in brandy! A Sherry sweet, a Whiskey neat, or any kind of likker that is handy! There's no blinking sense in drinking any thing that doesn't make you stinking There's no happiness like sinking blotto to the floor! Put an end to all frustration drinking may be your salvation end it all in dissapation

rotten to the core! Abberations metabolic Ceilings that are hyperbolic these are for the Alcoholic lying on the floor! Vodka for the arty Gin, to make you hearty! Lemonade was only made for drinking if your mother's at the party! So stay clear of home-made beer and anything that isn't labeled "clear" There is nothing else to fear! Bottoms up, my boys! * I SING OF DEAD BUNNIES -Anonymous, but Moonwulf started it! tune: "Sweet Betsy From Pike" I sing of dead bunnies, and burnt baby chicks Barbecued squirrels, and hamsters on sticks Ducklings in blenders, and frogs off the road Opossums on fenders and deep french-fried toad! Sliced and diced sparrows, dead dogs on the lawn Cats riddled with arrows, and disemboweled faun Pickled canaries, and clubbed baby seals Mice served in berries, and turtles 'neath wheels Minced baby earwigs, koala fillet Rat Pie with custard, and cockroach puree Fred's little brother, and Mystery Beast: These are the things that they served at the Feast * MADIERA,M'DEAR - Michael Flanders and Donald Swann * recorded by the Limelighters, Electra Records LPM 2272 "Tonight:In Person" She was young, she was pure, she was new, she was NICE she was fair, she was Sweet Seventeen. He was old, he was vile, and no stranger to Vice he was Bad, he was Base, he was Mean.... He had slyly inviegled her up to his flat to view his collection of.....stamps ( all un-perforated...) and he said as he hastened to put out the cat the wine, his cigar.....and the lamps: "Have some Madiera, m'dear..... it's ever so much nicer than Beer! I don't care for Sherry, and one cannot drink Stout, and Port is a wine I can well do without! ( Actually it's a case of 'Chacun a son GOUT....') Have some Madiera, m'dear?" She sipped it, she drank it, she drained it, she did! He slyly re-filled it again,

and he said, as he secretly carved one more notch on the butt of his gold-handled cane.... "Have some Madiera, m'dear? I have a small cask of it here... and once it's been opened, well, you know it won't keep, DO finish it up; it will help you to...sleep...." "Have some Madiera, m'dear? You really have nothing to fear.. Now if it were Gin you'd do wrong to say 'yes' the Evil Gin Does would be hard to assess... (and, besides, it's inclined to affect my Prowess....) Have some Madiera, m'dear?" Then there flashed thru her mind what her mother had said with her ante-pen-ultimate breath: "Oh, my child, should you gaze on the Wine When 'Tis Red: BE PREPARED FOR A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH!" She let go the glass with a shy little cry ( eek! ) Crash! Tinkle! it fell to the floor When he said: "What in Heaven?" She made no reply but took off in a dash for the door! "Have some Madiera, m'dear?" Rang out down the hall, loud and clear in a tremulous voice that was filled with Despair as she paused to take breath in the cool, midnite air... "Have some Madiera, m'dear?......" The words seemed to ring in her ear...... Until the next morning she woke up, in bed with a smile on her lips, and an ache in her head.... and a BEARD at her earlobe which * tickled *, and said: "Have some Madiera, m'dear???????" *

* THE UNFORTUNATE MUNDANE -Pat Fiona McFarland tune: "The Unfortunate Man" There once was a mundane who searched far and wide for a genuine "Lady" to stand by his side At last he found one that quite fit the bill and he courted and married a girl from Three Hills At the wedding the mundane made one big mistake 'twas not in omitting the wine or the cake the ring was well chosen, and no one was bored... but he didn't ask what she meant by the "Dark Horde!" (Chorus): He's a very unfortunate, very unfortunate, very unfortunate man!

That night in their chambers the Lady arose and began to prepare to retire in repose the husband sat near her, admiring her charms, that gave him such pleasure to hold in his arms. She doffed off her surcoat of white, to reveal a belt that was lit'rally dripping with steel! And the rose in his cheek quickly grew very faint when he saw they were live steel, and not wood-and-paint! (Chorus) She went to the mirror to take off her belt and she saw in reflection how her husband felt said she "Don't be frightened or shiver in dread.. For I'll only wear two when we get into bed!" She took twenty more from her boots and her hair then she proceeded to doff gown so fair and her trembleing husband got quite a surprise for beneath it she wore chain-mail made to her size! (Chorus) Now all you mundanes who would marry for life be sure you examine an SCA wife don't be like the turkey who trusted his eyes and a little bit later got quite a surprise! (Chorus) *

* HUNG OVER BARBARIAN -Robert Asprin tune: "Teddy-bears' Picnic" E Am E Am E Am E Am If you go out on the streets today, you better not go alone! C G C G C G C Do not go out on the streets today, it's safer to stay at home! F G C Am G The least excuse that ever there was today will mean a challenge because

F C F C G C From drink last night old Fafhrd is quite....hungover! C Hungover Barbarian! You'd best beware of him, G7 he's certainly not himself today! If you see him better run C 'cause you'll get killed if you get in his way! he is in a cloud of gloom, so give him lots of room F and better not come too near! C you gentle folk who value your lives better stay at home today F G7 C 'cause Fafhrd's hung over out to HERE! E7 so...... If you go out on the streets today, you better go with a guard! There's lots of pleasanter ways to die than be crushed by a ton of lard If you pretend my mountainous friend is not a threat, you'll come to your end For Fafhrd's quite prepared for a fight.......... He'd like to pound you into the ground........... You'd best beware! You'd better take care! His head and brain in TERRIBLE pain.............. from drink last night old Fafhrd is quite........hung over! *

* THE ANCIENT AND OLD IRISH CONDOM -Anonymous tune: "Rosin the Beau" I was up to me arse in the muck, Sir, with a peat contract down in the bog

When me shovel it struck something hard, Sir, that I thought was a rock or a log T'was a box of the finest old oak, Sir, T'was a foot long, and four inches wide and not giving a damn for the Fairies I just took a quick look inside Now I opened the and I swear that T'was an ancient A relic of Brian

lid of this box, Sir, my story is true and old Irish condom Boru

T'was an ancient and old Irish condom T'was a foot long, and made of elk hide, With a little gold tag on it's end, Sir, with his name, rank, and stud fee inscribed Now, I cast me mind back thru the ages To the days of that horny old Celt With his wife lyin' by on the bed, Sir, As he stood by the fire in his pelt And I thought that I heard Brian whisper As he stood in the fire's rosy light "Well, you've had yer own way long enough, dear... 'Tis the hairy side outside, tonight." *

* end: SONGS1.TXT: Locksley's Black Book of Song

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