Ayahuasca Note 01

I’m sitting on a mattress on the floor of a pitch black temple under a thick canopy of Peruvian Amazon jungle~ I’m shaking uncontrollably, I have been waiting for this moment for what feels like a lifetime~ maybe many~ but now I’m afraid. I’m fresh out school and have flown half way across the world with my two friends to take Ayahuasca (also known as Yage or La Purga) with renowned Peruvian shaman, Diego Palma. Our friend Dean journeyed with Diego the year before and we were so taken by his experience that we wasted no time in organising to go see the man. After scraping together all my savings and suffering an INSANE au pair job in Mauritius, I bought my ticket to this remote spot in the Amazonian jungle somewhere near the border of Peru and Bolivia. And now I’m here, and it’s unbelievable~ there are about 15 of us journeying tonight and I am the youngest, in fact, with the exception of the indigenous children, I am the youngest person Diego has ever initiated into Ayahuasca with Kayla not to far behind. I’m so thankful to have Britt and Kay journeying with me~ even though talking and physical contact is forbidden in the temple, knowing my sisters are so close by brings a certain degree of calm to my mind… For those who don’t know, Ayahuasca (which means ‘vine of the spirits’ or ‘vine of the dead’) is a brew made from two Amazonian plants: The B. Caapi vine (red, white or yellow- each has a different potency) and the P. Viridis also known as the Chacruna (sometimes other plants are also added such as Syrian Rue, Jurema & Chaliponga). These plants are boiled down for many hours until a very bitter and foul tasting viscous liquid is left over. It is said to have been discovered by Indigenous South Americans approximately 4000 years ago, and some Indians claim that it goes even further back than that. Traditionally the shamans (native spirit healers) will drink Aya in order to enter into the spirit world and either journey with the Pacha Mama (a personification of the feminine earth spirit i.e. Mother earth, Gaia ect) to gain wisdom on a wide variety of things such as the universe, the planet, healing, plants, people… or it is used as a medicine to heal their patients by coming in contact with their spirits (often having to retrieve parts of the spirit that have been lost or stolen). Scientifically the active ingredient in this brew is DMT. DMT is produced naturally by the human body, although doctors are at a loss as to why this is so because we also naturally produce an enzyme that alters the structure of the DMT before it can bond with the Serotonin receptor sites in our brains. Ayahuasca contains a large amount of plant produced DMT as well as an MOA enzyme inhibitor that denatures the enzymes before they can affect the DMT. As a result the brain is flooded with DMT which then bonds to the serotonin receptor sites and effectively “changes the channel” of your consciousness. Although Ayahuasca is a psychedelic by nature, one should be very cautious as it is a force to be reckoned with. Unlike many other psychedelics (LSD, psilocybin, mescaline ect) it does not allow one to dwell on the surface and play with the external world of matter and objects. Whilst other psychedelics certainly have the potential to be powerful psychological, emotional, physical & spiritual medicines when used in such a way~ more often than not they are used to play with the external world in a superficial game of sensation. Ayahuasca is quite the opposite~ it is a journey inward, to the depths of your being and if you are lucky (and brave) far beyond even that.

Physically you are in the dark, your eyes are usually closed, you don’t move much and you will probably throw up or get the shits. Mentally, emotionally & spiritually~ if you surrender (surrender and acceptance are fundamental for a smooth journey), you will take the ride of a lifetime or many lifetimes~ coming face to face with the Self and all your accumulated fears and insecurities. You can explore your life and mind in its present state thoroughly and from various perspectives~ seeing the whole truth and not just small parts of it. Learning about the macrocosmic universe by seeing and understanding the internal microcosmic universe contained within you~ The journey is magnificent but its painful~ not only is it physically very uncomfortable but suddenly your mind is forced to look inward after spending your whole life looking outward. The mind will begin to resist as it makes attempts to intellectualise all the stuff (I say stuff as I just don’t have a word that could accurately describe the nature of what it is you are receiving) you receive. The more the mind attempts to intellectualise the stronger the resistance becomes because what is received is purely experiential~ it doesn’t know the realm of mind~ it is far beyond that. Often you’ll see a clear reflection of the Self and that is not something a lot of people want to see. You may begin to understand truths you didn’t want to understand. It’s at this point that a lot of people start running in the other direction. The preconceived idea that you have of your Self and your existence will begin to dissolve before your eyes. You aren’t what you thought you were or what you were hoping other people thought you were. You may even reach the point where you realise that ‘you’ are not at all. That ‘I’ ‘Me’ ‘You’ and ‘It’ are just illusions we’ve created to maintain the dream. You will see and you will change, it can’t be helped~ It can’t be stopped and you will create suffering if you try. The ego, the masks, your desires and attachments~ they become all to clear and then they begin to fall away. It hurts, its far more painful than you could possibly imagine~ because in a way, it’s a kind of death. The ego doesn’t like this process, it doesn’t want to die and so it fights~ and that fight can create tremendous suffering within. It is for this reason that one should make sure that they are prepared for what is to be revealed~ to enter the experience with little or preferably no expectations and surrender entirely to the process~ not judging, only observing whatever it is that arises without attachment. Many are under the illusion that this journey begins when you drink Ayahuasca and ends 4, 6, 10 or 12hours later (obviously depending on dose, strength and frequency of ingestion) but this is not so. This journey begins long before the first drop of Aya touches your lips and continues long after the last traces of Aya have left your system. You will not find yourself taking Aya if the seeds of transformation have not already been sowed. You may think of Aya as adding Super grow fertilizer to the soil in which that seed lies. The real work starts after the session is over~ and if you don’t resist it, it will allow for rapid growth and change within you. Many find integrating back into society after such an experience a struggle because you begin to shift and change outwardly in an attempt to equate yourself with the changes that have occurred within. You begin to integrate lessons into your life as they reveal themselves to you, and you may learn from just one session for many years.

In a tribe, where journeying is customary~ this transformation is not only understood, it is celebrated. The participants are loved and supported throughout the process, and the space is created for all growth to occur naturally~ But for westerners, there can be resistance to individuals who undergo such rapid changes~ people are often wary or suspicious of such transformation, which can make the process unpleasant for participants & sometimes even reluctant to continue on that path. It is important to be strong in yourself and unconcerned with those who may pass judgement~ to continue walking without glancing backward. A lot of the time, the strongest reactions will come from those trying hardest not to see a truth you are now blatantly displaying in the way that you are~ it is a kind of rebellion against emotional pain, and should not be taken personally. Another thing to be careful of is not to blame or hold outside circumstances or people accountable for the pain, frustration, irritation & anger that may arise from the internal struggles that often come after Aya sessions. These struggles should be observed objectively, and seen for what they are~ the bubbling up of old issues that come to the surface so that you may watch and understand them and not get caught up in their drama all over again~ it is important that these old issues and habits are released and not allowed to imbed deeper into the psyche by reacting to them in the old way. One must be balanced and aware on this journey in order to avoid unnecessary suffering. Ayahuasca is not for everyone~ and it certainly isn’t the only or best way to explore the self and the universal laws. Pacha Mama’s lessons are intense and fast, and you cannot stop once you have started~ this kind of exploration requires a certain kind of character. A great many paths have been discovered all over the world, and each one should be respected for what it brings to the table of human consciousness. …And, so here I am, sitting in this dark quiet temple~ the atmosphere is electric and the sounds of the jungle make the whole thing seem so surreal. This is a completely new realm of experience for me~ I have never taken drugs before and I can count the times I have been drunk or stoned on one hand (slight exaggeration, maybe two or three hands). All the experience I have in altered states comes from things like sweat lodges and sound journeys. I don’t know what to expect, but I feel her call and I know I am EXACTLY where I need to be. Diego is preparing for the journey and my stomach is doing summersaults. His partner Milagros and his apprentice Antonio are the first to drink and then the rest of us go in turn to receive the Aya. I begin to worry about being able to drink it, almost everyone that has gone before me has gagged. It’s my turn. My stomach is in my throat and my legs feel like jelly as I stumble awkwardly toward Diego. I sit before him while he cleanses and protects me with tobacco smoke and blessings. I watch carefully as he pours the rancid smelling orangey brown liquid into a cup~ wondering how much I will be receiving (doses are intuitive). Its small, less than a quarter cup and I’m so relieved. He hands it to me and I pinch my nose as the smell alone is enough to make you projectile (have since discovered that this was just a particularly rancid batch, its not always thiissss bad). I throw it down in one go and have to fight the gag reflex, its AWEFUL! I cannot recall ever tasting anything this bad (Kayla later describes it as “everything gross, dead and

rotten boiled up and then left in the sun” hehe). I stumble back to my place in shock, shivering in disgust and glug half a bottle of water in an effort to wash the taste from my mouth~ quite unsuccessfully I might add It usually takes about half an hour before you start feeling the effects but it’s almost immediate for me. The room is so dark, you can barely see your hand in front of your face but I see a thick luminous energy (don’t know how else to describe it) on the opposite side of the temple. My whole body is becoming sensitive~ every sound becomes so sharp, it feels like I’m standing next to the speaker of a jungle concert~ birds, insects, plants, people in the temple, everything is suddenly loud and distinct~ its confusing, I can hear more in this moment than I have ever heard in my life. Then the smells become sharp~ Brit or Kayla throw up and the stench of Aya is overpowering, and I have to fight not to follow suit. I can smell earth and rain, wood, old soap on the blanket and all kinds of plant fragrances. Then the visuals start~ beautiful and intricate geometrical shapes fill my vision. They’re amazing, pulsing to the beat of the jungle and another rhythm I can’t quite put my finger on. The colours are out of this world, so vivid, like nothing I’ve seen before. Suddenly I’m aware of everyone around me because I can see coloured vibrations coming off their bodies when they move or make a sound- before and after trails. Then Diego, Milagros and Antonio start the Icaros (songs created by the shamans in order to guide people on their journey, each song has a function- and the shaman leads the group through the various stages of the journey with these Icaros. They also prevent people’s souls from journeying too far and getting lost- very very important part of the journey!!). The Icaros change the whole scene; the geometric shapes start moving to the rhythm of the songs and then turn into writhing and twisting animals like snakes, eagles, jaguars, frogs, turtles, butterflies, vines with beautiful flowers and huge grandmother tree’s. It’s incredibly beautiful but I start feeling very uncomfortable looking at it, and I want it to go away. The more I want it to stop, the stronger it becomes~ and it’s not just visual, it’s almost like every vision is connected to the 5 sense gates and to senses beyond that~ the whole body and mind participate every second~ its so overwhelming. These sensations are so alien to me~ but I can’t direct my attention outward. I start to cry “why wont this stop”. I start to wish Id never come here, why can’t I just be a normal god dam kid. “Let’s go take a madly powerful psychedelic in the Amazon jungle” ~ yeah right, whose stupid bleddy idea was this huh!? The visions get more intense and much darker~ The animals have turned into dancing corpses whose flesh rots off as they move (I suffer an EXTREME fear of death so this really freaks me out)~ they are all holding flowers in their skeletal hands as they dance to the Icaros rhythm. One corpses head fills my vision as his skull cracks open and maggots fall out and more come tumbling from his eye sockets (I am apparently screaming at this point, although I cannot recall). I don’t want to see his face but I can’t get away from it~ I have to look, my minds eye refuses to turn away. I look close, it’s me. My skull that’s cracked and filled with maggots~ little skeletons dancing wildly around my broken head.

I’m horrified by these visions, I feel sick and want to throw up badly~ I’m shoving my fingers down my throat but nothing is coming up~ my body refuses. I so badly want to get away but I cant, the journey has only just started (I am apparently begging the shamans to take the visions away but I don’t remember ever talking to people or saying anything to anyone). I begin to think I’m dead, I can’t remember anything. It’s just my rotting corpse surrounded by dancing skeletons, maggots, pieces of flesh and hair and I feel nothing but pure dread, hopelessness, disgust and pain. I can’t understand where I am or what’s going on~ the weight of misery and fear is overwhelming and completely consuming~ This is hell. I’m dead, game over. I will never see the people I love ever again, I will never get to laugh or cry ever again. I can’t remember why I’m sad to be dead or who I’m missing but I feel the sensation of loss to the extreme~ it tears at my insides, it’s so sharp. I’m stuck looking at my dead rotten body, watching it slowly decompose. This is agony. Then I become aware that I am aware. I start to wonder why watching this scene unfold is causing me such pain. Why do I suffer over my decomposed form? And why am I feeling such loss over things I don’t even remember? I quickly realise that by reacting to what I’m seeing, I am essentially multiplying its effect and bringing it into my consciousness. I watch and then I let go. It becomes obvious that “I” am identified with “my” body, and that “I” am attached to that form. That attachment causes great suffering within me when I am faced with its dissolution. I realise that I am not afraid of Death but rather I am afraid of losing my identity and of being alone. I also realise that reacting negatively is just causing more negativity to arise, and that resisting that negativity is causing me to suffer. I realise that this is also how it is in everyday life. It takes this understanding before I can move onto the next part of the experience.

From there, the scene falls away and I start watching memories of my life in a movie fashion~ so as an external observer, all memories are seen from an outside perspective and not from my perspective. It’s so weird to see myself like this, like I’m watching myself from someone else’s eyes~ except each memory is more complete, my perception is rounded (if that makes any sense). It begins with the most recent memories and then continues to move further and further back in time. It flicks through some memories quickly, but sometimes I see the same memory over and over again until I realise something about my behaviour or thought patterns (I am aware of my thoughts in each memory) that I have never noticed before. It’s as if I’m being shown scenes of my destructive behaviour and it won’t move onto the next memory until I ‘v grasped what she’s showing me in the current memory. I don’t like this either, I don’t like the way I act toward others sometimes or the nature of the thoughts that pass through my head. I’m considerably darker and more twisted than I had ever imagined, and my ego is much stronger than I had thought. I try not to show it, but it’s always there lurking behind the surface~ it influences me in everyway.

I see the way I act and react and I now see how I could have and should have acted & reacted. Its hard to admit that I am so terribly self centred and egoistic, that even my acts of “kindness” and “love” have been at least 20% for the act and 80% to pump up my self image and colour my identity~ that I have not yet experienced true selfless love and that I live with a heart half open. I see that a lot of what I do and say is for self gain, and that I am deeply identified with the material world~ that I base a lot of who I am, on what I have and what I have done. I’m shaken by just how much importance I have put on the looks and the opinions of others~ and I see just how much I let those opinions affect the way I am. Everything revolves around the “I” and how to make the “I” better, or at least seem better to others. I’m surprised. I thought of myself as the confident ‘off the wall spiritual hippy’ type who didn’t care what people thought~ I thought I was a really nice person who didn’t do bad things, was personally and socially responsible, loved animals, people, my family and the planet. Not so. I see this is just as much an image as anything else. I decided that’s what I wanted to be and that’s the image I have been portraying ever since. I have been doing what I can to package and deliver that image to all those I come in contact with. I wanted people to think I was peaceful and loving and so that’s what I have portrayed but that peace and love isn’t any deeper than my skin~ it hasn’t touched my heart. I became so good at portraying that image that “I” even began to believe it was true~ and the more I do it, the better I get at it. Under all that, I am just as judgemental, dark, temperamental, materialistic and image driven as the next person. In fact, I‘m worse because I think I’m a beautiful peace loving hippy who ‘cares for all’ ~so I’m completely unfamiliar with this shadow self that I seem to possess~ preaching peace, love and understanding to all, I allow the beautiful philosophies to feed my ego because “I know” and you don’t. “I” care and you don’t. “I” love and you don’t, “I’m” conscious and you’re not. I receive lessons faster than I can process them so I give up processing. They are all there, I’ll get them back when I need them. I feel more and more detached from the people, places and things in my memories. This begins to bother me, I want them to mean something to me~ but they don’t. I see friends and family that I “love”, places and things that mean a lot to me~ but I don’t feel much. The attachment and possessiveness is gone, and I realise there isn’t much left. There was very little real love, gratitude or appreciation there. It shows me that if something doesn’t add to my identity, be it negative or positive, then I don’t feel much for it. I only “love” or “hate” things that serve or go against my identity~ that under the heat of my attachment and possessiveness, I’m cold. Ice cold. I realise that I need to learn how to open my heart and love without expectation, attachment and condition~ I realise I need to learn how to forgive, to trust, to be truthful and to surrender totally to life. That I need to learn to appreciate and have gratitude and that I need to stop waiting for the journey to begin because it began long ago and I have been missing out.

I realised that I need to create genuine relationships with people that go beyond the superficial space of need and attachment. I start watching memories of about seven years old and things are a little different. It’s not nearly as dark; the love is more genuine here. The younger the memories, the lighter and more open my heart is. I feel the flow of life and love to be a lot smoother here; the thoughts aren’t as structured and calculating. I see a lot of where my current behaviour and thought patterns begin and it helps to understand where they come from. But I know it goes deeper than this, I can’t help feeling that this is all still very superficial. I continue to move back, memories of being a baby. Hearing thoughts of me understanding things before I could speak~ watching me react in frustration when I was unable to express myself to others. I watch myself before I can understand English, the thoughts are colourful and gentle but strangely coherent. I am astounded at the level of understanding I have at what looks like about 9months old~ my empathy is highly developed, I see just how much environment can impact small children. I begin to see how sensitive children are to the subtle reality and how our true natures are essentially broken and remoulded by parents (unknowingly of course, they’ve done the best with what they know~ but if they could understand how they’ve messed up their kids by repeating the old mistakes of their forefathers they would be devastated) and society. I see so many seeds of potential that were never nurtured within me, so many beautiful qualities that were never developed. I see myself struggle as I’m forced to do things that don’t come naturally to me. Further back, I see how my attention was hooked with external objects and I was essentially taught to be materialistic from day one~ and how I was unknowingly led away from nature with this materialism. I watch the whole training process, and I’m literally flabbergasted~ I watch as I’m taught ‘how’ and ‘what’ to think by parents, teachers, TV, ect. I completely underestimated the impact these factors had on my development and I’m one of the lucky ones, who had a lot of free reign in comparison to other children I know. I feel sick again, this is too much to take in. I realise just how much I block myself with specific thought patterns and begin to feel the undercurrent of human potential~ I want to know how to release myself but I just can’t see it. It’s as if society provided me with the materials to build my own cage. I enslaved myself~ now I have to learn how to set myself free, and then rehabilitate myself back into the wild. From there I moved into my birth experience. This is where words begin to fail me; the journey was quite tangible until this point. We begin moving into the space beyond the mind, I will do my best to describe this part of the journey but it really is like describing colour to someone who has been born blind~ in all honesty, Aya must be experienced to be understood. This story can be grasped intellectually~ but reading this after taking Aya, it will take on a whole new meaning.

The slate is clean, when you are born there are no previous experiences to draw upon~ you are utterly present in every moment of experience. Thoughts exist only of sensation. The memory is blurry here. From there I move further back into the womb experience and once again I’m shocked at the empathy. I’m picking up on all of the emotions of my mother, more fear than I would have imagined from my mom. I move through levels of womb experience, seeing how everything came together to create the being that is now me. I see memories that I don’t recognise flicker quickly in my unborn mind at times~ almost like I’m downloading information from some unknown source. I feel another presence at all times, I don’t recognise it but it’s extremely familiar. I’m flooded with Déjà vu’s that make so much sense for a split second and then it escapes me. I’m moving further back. I get to the stage where my spirit/ soul or whatever you call it enters my foetal self. I remember the sensation of entering my foetal body very distinctly~ moving further back to pre-conception and suddenly I’m shot into another realm completely. I see (I don’t see visually, I see with vision& senses and another sense that we don’t seem to have ordinarily~ almost like 4D as opposed to 3D, its very hard to describe) what I would call a golden river that contained all the colours in existence, flowing upward and downward. I see billions of tiny golden droplets, floating to and from this river (of which I am one). I feel what it is to be this golden droplet; the realm of emotion has expanded exponentially. I encounter hundreds of emotions that we don’t even have names for, the only way I could describe them is like: one tenth love, a quarter joy, and an eighth fear ect. And even that is so inaccurate. Not only that, but every emotion is incredibly intense~ so intense that I feel as if my physical body will explode with it. I realise that we block off our emotions, some more than others because we wouldn’t be able to function if we experienced everything with such intensity. I see that some people block off their emotions completely, in fear, denying themselves the beauty of emotional experience. That most of us will only ever get feel a fraction of the spectrum of emotion. I realise that I need to find way to live intensely but in a balanced way, so that I can use that intensity as a tool to experience life to its absolute fullest without being thrown off. As I get closer to this river I begin to lose all human memory. At one point I forget that that I am Skye, that I am human, there are no coherent thoughts in English language, I forget about earth, the universe, existence, EVERYTHING! I’m emptiness in a golden droplet, being drawn toward a golden river. The emptiness is filled with absolute peace and joy, nothing in existence is as beautiful as this moment which seems to last for eternity (there is no concept of time or feeling of time passing). I come to the understanding that this river is a kind of collective consciousness flowing to and from the source. That we are all connected to this river in life and join this river in death. That separateness is an illusion created by the ego, we are all one thing, and we have always been one thing. I have absolute knowledge~ anything I wish to know in this moment I know, but I’m not attached to knowing, I just do. I am absolutely content in this knowing.

I feel myself expand but not in space~ I extend my existence well beyond the confines of space time, across many layers and realms of existence, coming in contact with all kinds of beings. We communicate but not in words or thoughts or even feeling’s, I cannot find a way to describe the nature of this communication~ the closest way describe it is via understanding, we communicate through understanding one another. They tell me many things, and I feel shifts occurring within me at a very deep level as we communicate. There is no fear, doubt, worry, attachment, desire, identity or separateness here. “I” am not. “I” have completely dissolved, “I” no longer exist~ what is left is pure consciousness flowing from one experience to another, nothing to block or confine that flow. It’s no longer contained in a physical form and so it roams freely, travelling travelling travelling to places I do not even attempt to describe for they are so out of this world, so indescribable.

I cannot express this feeling but I want to join this river~ but I can’t, not yet, something is preventing me from going there~ something is pulling me back. My memories come flooding back to me and I realise that joining the river means death. I know because I have died before, I can remember it clearly now. I see my last life as a Native American Indian girl, sitting by the fire during a ceremony. I then relive my death experience and remember the sensation of entering the river. I instantly recoil, I feel ashamed that I forgot everyone and everything~ ashamed that I was so willing to walk into death and leave everyone behind without a second thought. I’m fighting this. I don’t want the relationships in life to be so meaningless! I don’t want my dreams and achievements in life to be so meaningless~ I don’t want to be a loving joyful blissful golden drop of emptiness travelling through the vast expanse without my memory. I don’t want to forget people who have meant so much to me. I am upset, I feel the truth but I don’t want it to be like that. I no that it is purely my attachment to people that is now preventing me from rejoicing over the magical experience I have just had. I understand it but I’m afraid. I’m going to lose the “I” in death and become everyone and everything ~ I am going to become apart of the river, no longer separate (which is illusion anyway). The “I” is soon to disappear along with all its memories and attachments. And I’m afraid. I feel my ego resist and it’s hurting~ This resistance causes me to suffer intensely; I begin to mourn for the life I haven’t even had the chance to live yet. I begin question what the point of incarnation is in the first place. I’m inundated with visions of sick and dying children, with visions of war and world suffering and I suffer with each being so intensely. I feel like my physical body is going to crack open with the pressure of suffering I feel. I cry uncontrollably, and I want to help these people~ for the first time in my life I want to help because I can feel the suffering of all these beings and not because “I will look like such a good person if I help”.

I suffer because I cannot understand why beings are incarnated only to live short miserable lives of suffering~ because I cannot understand what ugliness would cause one being to intentionally harm another. I break with each vision; I can’t believe that I am able to suffer to such an extent without dying~ that I am physically able contain this level of pain without passing into a coma (I am apparently surrounded by people at this point, people are trying to calm me down~ Brit gives me her rose quartz wand to help me). I start to see visions of my loved ones passing away, and I enter a whole new realm of suffering. I cry out for my then boyfriend Derek as I watch him pass away~ sobbing hysterically. I cry for my father, I never got the chance to tell him that I love him. I cry for my mother, I never told her how much I appreciate what she does for me. Every moment another loved one passes and I mourn as if they have truly just passed. I live through each of their deaths until is stops. I understand. The human body is a vehicle that is utilized by consciousness in order to experience the physical world. That each experience is necessary for the evolution of that consciousness and that adverse situations can be the most powerful tools for that development. That forms continuously arise and pass away and that one should not develop attachment to a form that will inevitably pass. That this holds true for everything in life, we are in a continuous state of change and evolution. The internal and external universes are impermanent. With this understanding, I am calm again. I become aware of the room and the people, and the sounds. The singing is gentle now; I can feel the ceremony is nearing the end. I’m in shock; I’m trying to grasp this experience but I’m tired. I feel so light, and joyous. Genuine love is flooding my whole being, and my fear of death has been lifted. I don’t understand a lot of what I have just experienced, I don’t remember a lot of what I have just experienced but I’m content because I feel its there in me. I find I am covered in crystals courtesy of Brittany, I can feel them pulsing. I take her rose quarts wand and start tracing the meridian lines on my body (I have no knowledge of meridians at this stage; this is where my decision to become a Chinese doctor comes from). I can feel them clearly and I use the crystal to re-align them. It’s the most soothing sensation, almost like I’m putting healing balm on the wounds from my experience. I love my incarnated form, and I find myself loving and blessing it. I send love and blessings to all the people I saw pass away and send thanks to my friend Dean for introducing me mother ayahuasca. I begin to sing with the Icaros and it feels beautiful to hear my own voice.

I think I fall asleep. I have a lucid dream of getting up from my body and walking to the centre of the temple. I turn to see my body lying asleep on the floor, and think that this must be a lucid dream. I meet a Mexican woman and some of the Peruvian locals who have also gotten up from their bodies in the centre of the room and proceed to have a conversation with

them (talking is forbidden but I think I’m dreaming so I don’t mind talking). We talk of our experiences in English (the locals can’t speak a word of English, so another confirmation that I’m dreaming). When we are finished talking, we all go back to our bodies and continue to sleep. The ceremony is closed and the lamps are lighted. I looked down to see that I have broken Brittany’s beautiful crystal into bits, and we are shocked. How did I manage to break up quartz? She’s upset and I feel terrible, I promise to buy her another. We all get up from our places in utter shock to love and hug one another. No one knows what to do or say~ so we all head back to our little huts. The next day, after breakfast we all gather to share our experiences. Milagros translates for those who don’t understand Spanish or English. We each have a turn and I am blown away by the variety of experiences. When it comes to me, I share what I can remember and grasp. I tell them of my lucid dream at the end, and the Mexican woman and the one Peruvian guy get very excited. According to Milagros they also had the out of body lucid dream except that they thought I was speaking Spanish to them. It was absolutely amazing! Later on the Mexican woman and I compared dreams and find them to be almost exactly the same, even though everyone can confirm that none of us gathered in the centre and talked. We both confirm seeing Diego get up from his body that was awake and playing a guitar to check each one of us. I was absolutely astounded!! I had originally been reluctant to join the next ceremony, as I felt that though I learned more than I could ever explain and had my entire perception of reality turned on its head~ the pain was to much to bear~ but the lucid dream and a long conversation with Antonio convinced me to give ayahuasca another try. Two days later I went back again…