Another Modest Health Proposal

Another Modest Health Proposal Americans are fat. Take any mall in the US, jiggling with bellies and butts, as a representative segment of society in general. Obviously diets don’t work, however, we still put great faith in them. Americans also profess faith in Jesus Christ and God. Count the denominations and number of churches in the land, and take note of religion’s tentacles in national government and school systems, and there’s no evidence that religion works either. That doesn’t stop dieters from calling on favored deities. God! Please make this Slim Fast plan work so these pants will zip. Christ! Please don’t say this is all I can have, celery sticks and tomato juice? Pritikan should burn in hell! Holy Jesus Thank you! Atkins serves up the good stuff. So easy to stick to! Oh thank you God! 90 pounds down and the new dress fits like a dream. Oh Lord! Still haven’t lost a pound, but it’s the devil’s fault, he made me eat. Not the nicest prayers, but pithy. Also in common are claims by born-agains and diet gurus that their plan (spiritual or dietary) ‘will prove satisfactory for a lifetime of eternities’ or theirs ‘is the only plan that will allow you to eat your cake and not pay for your sins.’ Oddly enough, even though the religious right periodically tries to control living and dying—remember Dubya and Bill interfering with poor Terri—so far it has overlooked the link between religion and dieting. If some sharp-sighted born-again would just step up closer to the plate so to speak, he or she could fire a killer of an opening sally in the war on obesity. Most Judeo-Christian systems have built-in low calory menus that would be hard to beat for speed and effectiveness. Here are a few sample menus with notes where appropriate. Judaism: Eat only bitter herbs and unleavened bread (for those who appreciate the flavor of irony) Christian:

Basic menu is a little wine and a wafer for dinner

Note: Has both negative and positive aspects. On the down side, you may get to skin and bones, but you will always have the original sin of gluttony so will find it necessary to diet often. On the positive side, for the easily bored, the Christian diet comes with many variations on the basic menu. Eastern Orthodox: A little wine and a wafer by candlelight (served by a fantastically costumed matre’d, and accompanied by ritual chanting and frequent ceremonial swinging of censors) Catholic: A little wine and a wafer by candlelight (served by a fantastically costumed matre’d, and accompanied by ritual chanting and frequent ceremonial swinging of censors) with the added thrill of actually participating in canabalism Protestant:

Also a drink and a wafer but with a host of variations

a. A little unfermented grape juice and a wafer (for the teetotaler) b. A little wine and a tiny square of day-old bread or cracker special wafer (for the economy minded) Note:

a and b can be interchanged with no harm to the dieter

instead of a

c. A little wine and a wafer with snake oil topping (for the seeker of the exotic) Note this special feature: A potentially super effective diet because it requires such scary and repulsive preparation that the squeamish may end up foregoing dinner. d. A little wine and a wafer accompanied by Pentecostal calisthenics; arm flinging, hand waving, and ecstatic shouting (for closet bulimic/anorexics who must immediately burn as many calories as ingested) e. A little wine and a wafer followed by a nonfattening lead desert (a special variation for those who can’t stomach the basic menu and a sure cure for overeating) Note: e is an old version that for a long time hung on in Texas and a few weird places such as Idaho, and for a while was even rife in Washington, however I waited in vain for Stunted Growth himself to offer a public testimonial to its benefits. Religion based weight loss plans have no tangible down side, but do have several pluses. Consider practical payoffs. One, weight loss is certain. Two, financial rewards are considerable. A beautiful feature of the above plans is economy; no need to invest in special menus costing a bundle. The conscientious dieter will, of course, make double offerings to the church of choice commensurate with self improvements, but even increased contributions will be more than offset by savings at the grocery store. Three, only one stop will satisfy both spiritual and physical appetites, not a small benefit in a stressed society. Four, the farsighted leader’s sect will benefit financially and in other ways. Not only will the leader feel satisfaction at his or her clients emerging bones and shining souls, he or she will have the pleasure of insinuating tentacles into more social crannies. A final payoff falls into the spiritual realm. Unhappily for newcomers to the diet world, any of the above weight loss plans will seem not unlike starving. I pray you have faith! Sticking to one of the regimens puts you on the fast track to religious epiphany. To summarize the benefits: in a glorious redistribution of bulk, bodies will shrink, personal and church coffers will expand, and best of all, souls will swell. A word of advice to the Judeo-Christians. Better jump in quick; you’re not the only people with handy-dandy diets, and some have been around a lot longer and might be even more effective. Native American: Smoke a little peyote and hallucinate about dinners past and future Note: Be careful with this one! Washington may misconstrue your purpose. Vaishnavism (one of the sects of Hinduism): the holy oil from your lips

Kiss a lingam and lick

Islam: Roast a goat, eat two slices after sundown and give the rest to the poor Buddhism:

a. Shakyamuni original menu: eat six grains of rice, bow your head and stomach cramps, know the emptiness that is the heart of reality. b. Chan or Zen variation: emptiness c. Tantric variation:

transcend

eat no food and meditate until you become one with the

don’t eat, have sex.

The above plans concentrate on menu. Here is a different approach. Tibetan Buddhists eat fat things and a lot of yak butter tea but are not fat people. They burn the calories through arduous trekking, kneeling, and prostrating religious pilgrimages, plus follow yaks up and down steep mountains. It’s the exercise. Happily, exercise can be incorporated into most menu based plans since many of them require a trek to a local purveyor. Of course, the truly religious dieter will walk there and back. Additional positive aspects will surface in testimonials, although the few list here should motivate all sinners who have tried without success most of the standard diets that glut the market. If faithfully followed, any one of the above described diets will accomplish miracles in the realms of physical and spiritual health. Warning: AMA devils hand in hand with the gremlins of General Foods and its ilk will try to tempt you or coerce you back into secular diets. Fight them off! Pray for strength to triumph. D L Morton