Am I Alive

“ Am I Al i ve?” - A j ou rn ey i n to m ysel f (A copy of this can be downloaded from http://sriperso.googlepages.com/mylittleworld ) Preface This is not a travelogue. I have written what all happened to me and in me during the one day visit to savandurga, a trekking destination 60 km from Bangalo re. Tr e k o n : 5-nov-2006 Distance: 6 0 k m a p p r ox Ti m e t a ke n : 1 d a y Cost: Nearly 100 Rs excluding food. What started as a normal trek ended as a pilgrimage. P l e a s e a d j u s t t o m y b a d u s e o f l a n g u a g e . Wr i t i n g i s t o o c a s u a l . I w o u l d l i ke i f a n y b o d y w a n t s t o r e w r i t e t h i s s t u f f i n a readable form. There are constant reference of my previous trek to Savandurga through out. P h o t o s w e r e t a ke n b y m y s t i l l c a m e r a . I s c a n n e d t h e m later, so quality is not that good (roll did not last till the end of the journey). It was a philosophical experience, you shall see. Thanks to Vinay for suggesting the sub-title and his constant review and appreciat ion while was writing this big manuscript after my office hours. I am looking forward for your comments and suggestions. It shall be of great help to me. Yo u r s , Srikanth K S

Just as the white summer cloud, in harmony with heaven and earth freely floats in blue sky from horizon to horizon following the breadth of the atmosphere- in the same way pilgrim abandons himself to the breadth of greater life that … leads him beyond the farthest horizons, to an aim that is already present within him, though yet hidden from his sight Lama Govinda

“ Yo u a r e n o l o n g e r a k i d . Yo u m a y d o a s y o u p l e a s e ” I k n e w Appa was frustrated. “B u t ” I s a i d , w i t h s t r a n g e d e t e r m i n a t i o n . “ I a m g o i n g t o t r e k t o m o r r o w , l e t w h a t e v e r h a p p e n” . Both were awestruck. I would have never answered back a p p a t h a t w a y. I s a w h e c o u l d s e n s e t h e s t r o n g determination in my voice, his eyes seemed to agree and he went without speaking a word. However appa had all the reaso ns for his worries – I had decided to trek savandurga alone. I had not been to any major trek after coming back from Bhubaneswar (Aug 06). All my tries to collaborate a trek with others had gone v a i n . I d e c i d e d t o b r e a k a w a y f r o m t h e I n f y w o r k m o n o t o n y. P r e p a r a t i o n w e n t o n n o r m a l l y. I l o a d e d m y b a g w i t h t h r e e 1 litre water bottles, emergency torch, another pair of dress and ಅವಲಕ ಕ (avalakki) that amma had prepared for me. Appa dropped me till the nearest bus stand, with many words of caution of course. The feeling was too strange; it was completely different from my previous treks. Though I had traveled alone till t h e t r e k b a s e c a m p s , I h a d n e v e r t r e k ke d a l o n e . R i n g r o a d

b u s w a s y e t t o m o v e a n d m i s t o n t h e H e b b a l L a ke h a d s t i l l more time to survive. Mind was in search of the algorithm I had been trying from a day before for a combinatorics problem. Newer approaches seem ed to come. B u t , t h i s w a s n o t a l l . S o m e t h i n g e l s e ke p t r e m i n d i n g m e o f m y e n d e a v o r. A s u s u a l w i t h a l l t h e t r e k s , j o u r n e y s e e m e d to remind of ‘life’. Mind seemed to forget it was ‘srikanth’, I had started thinking externally about myself (I realiz ed this state later). What did I seek? Where was this jo urney towards? B r e a k t h r o u g h s t r i ke s i n t h e a l g o r i t h m , I m a ke a n o t e o f i t . Again I turn inward. Things seemed to acquire new dimensions; I had been e x p o s e d t o m a n y h a r s h r e a l i t i e s a f t e r b e i n g a t I n f y. Bengalooru seemed contrastingly cold after Bhubaneswar’s w a r m t h ( I a m n o t t a l k i n g o f w e a t h e r ) . Re l a t i o n s h i p s h a d t a ke n t o p s y - t u r v y u p h e a v a l s . Wa s I p l a y i n g a f o r c e d m i d d l e g a m e ? Int uition said, pieces were in my control. Career in scienc e, my dream of winning ‘fields’,…… many other things, all h a n g i n g i n a i r. ಮನಸ ನ ಪುಟಗಳ ನಡುವೆ , ನೆನಪ ನಾ ನವ ಲುಗರ ಕಾ ಮುುಗ ಲ ಅಂಚ ನಲ ಲ ಭರವಸೆ ಹೆೊ ನ ನ ಝರ

As expected, I did not get seat in the village bus that took me to Maagadi (ಮಾಗಡ ). Along the way, I could catch the g l i m p s e s o f t h e r o c ky p e a k . I ke p t w a i t i n g f o r ಅ ಕ ಾು ವ ತ ( a r k a a v a t i r i v e r ) . I h a d ke p t t r a c k o f s m a l l e r s t r e a m s b u t was sure that she was none of them. (she had good volume as I had seen from weekimapia ). Did I miss her? She flowed from south to north (this is a local phenomena, Deccan plateau is still inclined south-west) and I was traveling eastwards. So by no means I could have missed h e r , e n c o u n t e r i n g h e r w a s a m a t h e m a t i c a l c e r t a i n t y. T h i s e n i g m a s t r i ke s m e w h e n e v e r I t h i n k o f ‘Mathematic al certainty’. I am always sure when I establish it, prove it. But the process of this discovery itself is u n c l e a r a n d i l l o g i c a l . Fo r t h a t m a t t e r , ‘ l i f e ’ i t s e l f s t r i ke s a s a hoard of illogical ‘connections’. Here ‘connections’ is the word that creat es the impression that system could be logically breakable. I no longer agree with Einst ein believing ‘we can understand the subtle lord’. Submission s e e m s n a t u r a l ; b e l i e f i s g e t t i n g s t r o n g e r i n ಭ ಕ ತ ಮ ಾ ಗು (bhakti maarga). I met

ದಾಸನ ಮಾಡ ಕೆೊೋ ಎನ ನ ಸ ಾಾಮ ಸಾಸ ರ ನಾಮದ ವೆ ಂ ಕಟ ರಮಣ

….

h e r. S h e w a s a s m a l l stream.

ಕೆೊ ಡು ನ ನ ನ ಧ ಾಾನವ ಮನಸುಚ ಮಾಡ Back resort

to the algorithm. Last was to call a rec ursive

function within itself which indeed had a for loop within a for loop. I got down from the bus where deviation to the Durga indicated 14 km. I sat on the stone bench waiting for another village bus t h a t w o u l d t a ke m e t o t h e f o o t o f t h e h i l l . Re s t o f t h e j o b , was to introduc e a variable so that so to prevent the rec ursio n from going infinfite. This variable had to be connected with the variable that controlled inner loops. Nearly, 15 minutes, connection established ! Smile curved m y l i p s m o m e n t a r i l y. I g o t i n t o a m a x i c a b . C a b w a s p a c ke d ; p e o p l e w e r e f r o w n i n g , f o r h e w a s t a k i n g 1 5 R s , w h i l e a b u s w o u l d t a ke y o u f o r 6 R s . B u t h e ke p t saying, he would be taking us up to the base of the hill while a bus would leave at the entrance from where foot of t h e h i l l i s 3 K m . We h a d n o o t h e r w a y ( B e n g a l o o r u t o Maagadi had cost me 18 Rs). The family in the cab blamed eac h other for being late and therefore missing the bus. S l o w l y , w o m e n p i c ke d u p a n a n i m a t e d d e b a t e . A g u y ( p r o b a b l y h u s b a n d o f o n e o f t h e w o m e n ) l o o ke d a t m e a n d w e l a u g h e d . I t w a s a g u y t h i n g . Wo m e n c a m e t o k n o w w h y we laughed. (Usually outsmarting happens the other way) Wo m e n l e f t t h e i r d i s c u s s i o n . We a c q u a i n t e d t o e a c h o t h e r. T h e y w e r e f r o m ತ ು ಮ ಕ ೊ ರ ು ( t u m a ko o r u ) v i s i t i n g t h e i r ಮ ನ ೆ ದ ೆೋ ವ ರ ು ( a n c e s t r a l d e i t y ) . T h e n c a m e t h e m u c h e x p e c t e d question “ M y p a r e n t s h a v e a l r e a d y r e a c h e d y e s t e r d a y. I h a d s o m e work. So …..”

Fo r e s t o u t s i d e w a s a c o n s t a n t r e m i n d e r o f t h e u n e x p e c t e d w h i c h I e x p e c t e d t o h a p p e n . L o o k i n g a t t h e r o c ky mountain, I could feel my fist tighten. L o t o f t h i n g s h a d w o r ke d u n c o n s c i o u s l y b e h i n d t h e s c r e e n w h e n I t a l ke d t o t h e f a m i l y. I h a d w o r e c l o t h e s t h a t w e r e n o t c i t i s h ( c i t y - i s h ) a n d t a l ke d i n v i l l a g e a c c e n t ( e l s e t h e y w o u l d n o t h a v e t a l ke d t o m e ) . T h i s w a s n o t t h e s i t u a t i o n a f e w y e a r s a g o . T h e e v e r w i d e n i n g g a p b e t w e e n Ru r a l a n d Urban India has reac hed alarming proportions. A rapid change in culture due to globalization has led to stark c o n t r a s t . ( Re m e m b e r a n g r y v i l l a g e r s o u t s i d e B e n g a l o o r u d i g g i n g u p M y s o o r u -B e n g a l o o r u h i g h w a y b u i l t b y N I C E ) . I feel a subtle risk traveling countryside, whic h was a free r i s k z o n e a f e w y e a r s a g o . Te r r o r i s m a n d t h e N a x a l a c t i v i t y together with other unfounded beliefs has made villagers f e e l i n s e c u r e s e e i n g c i t y f o l k s e n t e r t h e i r t e r r i t o r y. With the implementation of SEZ’s (Special Economic Zones), I feel, situation is getting worse. This borrowed conc ept (from china) intends to setup industries in the agricultural hotspots. The argument is: better accessibility, avoiding middlem en and a profitable play g r o u n d f r o m t h e p o i n t o f v i e w o f F D I ( Fo r e i g n d i r e c t Investment). But the fallo uts can be disastrous from India’s p o i n t o f v i e w. O n c e g i v e n a n o p p o r t u n i t y , M u l t i n a t i o n a l s shall establish monopoly over food, water and essential r e s o u r c e s . Ru r a l f o l k a f t e r t a s t i n g m o n e y w o u l d n e v e r ret urn to agric ulture. Government looses its control over natural resourc es, becomes a mere president or a g o v e r n o r. Fo r g e t w h a t h a p p e n s t o n a t u r e . With world facing crisis regarding future fuel, terrorism, global warming I feel we are heading towards total destruction.

I got down from the cab. There was a big crowd near ರ ಂ ಗ ನ ಾ ಥ ಸ ಾಾ ಮ ದ ೆೋ ವ ಸ ಾಾ ನ ( r a n g a n a a t h a s w a m i t e m p l e ) . I h a d planned to climb from where I, Sudeesh and Neha had left last time. I was nearly 3 km from that spot, so decided to t a ke t h e s a m e r o u t e a s o u r p r e v i o u s t r e k , b u t t h i s t i m e t h e left flank.

Let me explain about the mountain and the terrain. (I s m i l e d w h i l e I w r o t e t h i s s e n t e n c e , t h i s i s l i ke s t a t i n g ‘ L e t there be three no n negative numbers …’,can’t help it comes by default ) If you are traveling towards Savandurga, you meet a temple to your left that is some 2 furlongs a w a y f r o m r a n g a n a a t h a s w a m i t e m p l e . Fr o m t h e r e r o a d t a ke s a c u r v e t o w a r d s r i g h t . D u r g a i s t o t h e n o r t h o f t h e t e m p l e . Yo u s h a l l s e e a w h i t e p e a k t o r i g h t , c a l l e d ಬ ಳ ಗ ು ಡ ಡ ( b i l i g u d d a ) a n d a c o m p a r a t i v e l y d a r ke r p e a k t o w a r d s y o u r left, ಕರ ಗುಡ ಡ (karigudda). In the middle lies the valley full of vegetation. Plan was to trek up in the valley till I meet the relic s of the fort. Then constantly moving towards left to c l i m b K a r i g u d d a ( l a s t t i m e w e h a d t a ke n r i g h t h e r e t o m e e t B i l i g u d d a , M r. N a n d i s i t s h e r e ) . I h e a d e d s t r a i g h t t o w a r d s t h e v a l l e y. I d o n ’ t k n o w w h a t d r o v e m e ; m i n d w a s f i x e d o n t h e g o a l . Fo u n d a c o m f o r t a b l e place to change to trekking attire. I seem ed to do all a c t i v i t i e s l i ke a r o b o t . I h a v e o b s e r v e d t h e s a m e t h i n g happening whenever I do things with concentration. I do it and then realiz e I did it. This puts me into duality what ‘I’ is here?

I

“The power of such mountain is so great and yet so subtle that, without compulsion, people are drawn to it from far and near, as if by the force of some invisible magnet; and they will undergo untold hardships and privations in their urge to approach and to worship the centre of this sacred power…. This worshipful and religious attitude is not impressed by scientific facts, like figures of altitude, which are foremost in the mind of modern man. Nor it is motivated by the urge to conquer the mountain…..” Lama Govinda The way of white clouds entered into the dense part, to my surprise I saw a big ಉಡ (monitor lizard) lying on the forest floor and a bunch of m o n ke y s o n t h e t r e e s a m a z e d ( o r p e t r i f i e d ) l o o k i n g a t t h e creature (not me, the lizard). They also got surprised, l i z a r d d i s a p p e a r e d a n d m o n ke y s t o o k a d e f e n s i v e p o s i t i o n , their leader in the front made a grill face at me showing its teet h set. I knew what to do, I ignored them, but they followed me for half a furlong or so, then I lost their sight. This valley has small boulders arbitrarily fallen has reached stability (during the formation) forming crevices. If you get underway any crevic e, you can get out some d i s t a n c e a w a y , i t i s f u n g o i n g o n l i ke t h i s ( t h i s i s w h a t w e did last time). I decided to climb up the rocks, hop from one rock to the other without getting into a crevic e. Decision was fine but implementation was hard. It was 9 30 b y t h e n , I w a s f e e l i n g h u n g r y. I h a d t o f i n d a s u f f i c i e n t l y

w e l l p r o t e c t e d p l a c e t o e a t ; e l s e t h e m o n ke y s w o u l d f i g u r e i t o u t . O n c e i f m o n ke y s k n o w y o u h a v e f o o d , i f t h e y a r e a team and you are alone, only solutio n is to leave the food a n d m o v e a w a y. A m m a h a d s t u f f e d a l l f o o d i n o n e b ox , s o l o o s i n g f o o d t o m o n ke y s m e a n t n o f o o d f o r a f t e r n o o n a l s o . B i r d s w e r e a n o t h e r t h i n g t o w a t c h o u t f o r , a s m o n ke y s a n d b i r d s o f a locale have good understanding between them. They alert e a c h o t h e r f o r f o o d o r i n c a s e o f d a n g e r. I found a place, felt good enough to hide. I stayed there f o r s o m e t i m e s o a l l r u m o r s o f m y p r e s e n c e d i e a w a y. I w a s there in sem i crevic e only one opening from where good amount of forest was visible. I had cho sen so because I c o u l d d e t e c t a r r i v a l o f m o n ke y s e a r l y. I t a l s o g a v e t h e m a chance to see me, but I had to optimize under two constraint conditions of my visibility and my vision area. S l o w l y , o p e n e d t h e b ox . N o l e a f m o v e d . Av a l a k k i w a s s t i l l hot. Buried my fingers into it, took a mouthful, saw a m o n ke y b a b y p e e p i n g f r o m t h e e d g e o f t h e t r e e b r a n c h almost immobile. “ ಥ ತ ್ ಇ ದ ರ , ಇ ಲ ಲ ಗ ೊ ವ ಕ ಕ ರ ಸ ದ ಾ ಲ ಾಲ ಇ ವ ು ! ” I p u t t h e a v a l a k k i b a c k , c l o s e d t h e b ox . I w a s f e e l i n g a b u r n i n g s e n s a t i o n i n m y s t o m a c h . We s t a r e d a t e a c h o t h e r a n d t h e n i t d i s a p p e a r e d . N o r m a l l y , t h e s e k i d s ke e p wandering without any sense of responsibility, so the probability that it would give clue to its elders was less. I d i d n o t w a n t t o t a ke r i s k . I b e g a n t o r e a l i z e h o w d i f f i c u l t i t was to move on the rocks without getting into the crevic es. This needs greater grip, precise pre calc ulat ion and sustained physical endurance.

I had now come to open region from where I could see the regio n below, detect slight movement s (this was surely the m o n ke y g a n g ) . M y s h i r t w a s c o m p l e t e l y w e t d u e t o scorc hing sun. I was out of danger zone now; I thought so a n d s t a r t e d e a t i n g . Av a l a k k i t a s t e d l i ke a m r u t h a , w e n t o n eating , lat er realized I ate more than ½ and stopped. Ro c k s l a y a h e a d , s e e m e d l i ke p e t t y c h a l l e n g e s l i ke o n e s i n t h e m a t h O l y m p i a d s . T h e y l o o k s i m p l e , t r i c ky t o s o l v e , h a v e a b e a u t i f u l i d e a b e h i n d . Fo o d f o s t e r e d m y s p i r i t , I went on. ಬಂಡೆ , ಕಲ ುಲ , ಮುಳ ುು , ಇದ ಾಾವ ಹಾದ ಹೌದಪ ಪ ಇದೆೋ ನನಗೆ ಗಾದ ಒಮ ಮ ಯಾದ ೊೂ ಕಂಡ ಯೋನ್ ಇಂಥಾ ಸಂತೆೊೋಷದ ಅರ ವು

Challenges started becoming ಎಲ ಾಲ ನ ನ ನ ಮನದೆೊ ಳಗುಂಟು , ಸುಖ - ದುಖದಾ ಪರ ವೆ f o r m i d a b l e . I had to use multiple skills from my skill set (usually things happen without much thinking, things happen by default). But now I had to analyze different approaches and then try eac h one. I learnt and analyzed a few new ideas.

One such instance is worth mentioning-I found a crevice i n t e r e s t i n g , l o o ke d e n t i r e l y d a r k a n d s o m e s i g n o f movement. Should I risk going inside? I did not think, got into the crevice. Put my hand pump torch on, the crevic e was too lo ng than expected, did not s e e m t o o p e n u p a n y w h e r e . Wi t h i n a f e w y a r d s , i t b r o ke into two sections, one leading to an opening and other into a dark space. I could smell something strange- it was excreta of some animal (similar to the smell you get if you e n t e r d i l a p i d a t e d s t r u c t u r e s i n h a m p e w h e r e b a t s t a ke r e f u g e ) . Fo c u s e d m y t o r c h t h e r e , s u r p r i s e - t h r e e f l e s h y whit e structures sleeping, I could see fur growing on them s l o w l y. T h e y s e e m e d l i ke y o u n g w i l d b o a r s ( ? ) , n o t s u r e . What if mother boar was there? Simple-you would not be reading this artic le. What if they had made some sound when I put light on them and mother came running? I t u r n e d t h e l i g h t o f f a n d b a c ke d o f f. B e f o r e t h i s t h o u g h t had occurred to me I had thought of lifting one of them a n d d o s o m e ಮ ು ದ ುು ( k i s s i n g a n d c u d d l i n g , t h e y w e r e r e a l l y cute). I decided against it. When I was 10 or 11 year old I had seen a young one of a c r o w o n t h e g ro u n d a n d i t s n e s t d e s t r o y e d d u e t o h e a v y wind and rains. I saw some part of the nest still hanging on t h e t r e e . I p u t t h i s c r e a t u r e i n t o t h e p o c ke t , c l i m b e d t h e t r e e a n d p l a c e d i t b a c k i n t h e n e s t . To m o r r o w , I a g a i n s a w the small one laying the ground, this time dead. Appa said mother won’t accept the child once it comes to know that a h u m a n h a s t o u c h e d i t . I d u g a n d b u r i e d i t . Fe l t g u i l t y , convinced myself with the pret ext of not knowing the fact. I still wonder why this happens.

As I ran towards the opening of the crevice (where I had g o t i n ) , I r e a l i z e d a n o t h e r m i s t a ke . T h i s c r e v i c e w a s u n c l i m b a b l e , a s o r t o f o n e w a y e n t r y. As usual, analyze-try-fail, analyze-try-fail…… this was not e a s y. A n o t h e r o p e n i n g o f t h e c r e v i c e w a s t h e r e , d a n g e r o f mother arriving was also there. Going out through another opening was the rational choice. But, this crevice challenged me. I decided let whatever happen, let mother come, I am going to climb out of this. I don’t know how much time lapsed. I climbed out of it. When I look back at my life, I see that these fearless moments have led to path breaking success. I love c h a l l e n g e s ; I w a n t t o ke e p b r e a k i n g t h e m . I was almost at the halfway mark, ro ugh open rock where we had all climbed leaving our shoes below last time. I climbed, my new shoes was gripping well, came up to the place where we ate food last time, clock showed eleven. Last time we had run up and down throw ing our shoes. This time I had nothing, ran randomly, for the fun of it. Sat at the same place where I had sat last time. H o w s t r a n g e i t f e e l s ? N o w t h e r e i s n o b o d y. Same place, same rock, same sun, same me. I could visualize the way we had sat. Sudhir behind me, Neha to my upper right, Maninder at right, Sudeesh and a h b i s h e k s t i l l u p a n d R a g h u f a r b e l o w.

I was mesmerized. Does time play the drama? Questions started emerging from no where. Why had I come here? That too alone? Have I changed? Who am I? Life goes on….. I moved on, relics of the fort were visible n o w. I c h a l ke d o u t a s t r a t e g y - ‘ I h a v e t o c o n t i n u o u s l y m o v e towards my left and hit karigudda’. This left flank was more challenging compared to the right side that we had t a ke n l a s t t i m e . I k n e w m y t r e k w a s a b o u t t o b e g i n n o w , a l l that happened till now was a warm up. Upon thinking this, n e w l i f e f l o w e d l i ke a c u r r e n t t h r o u g h m y v e i n s . I m o v e d u p stepping at right spots, making correct decisions at crux positions. This made me feel about my elegance, confidence level was high.

Next big problem was the bulging rock that stood between me and the valley of karigudda. There were two ways1. Climb up the rock and get down the other side. That shall land me in the valley of karigudda. 2 . Ke e p m o v i n g p a r a l l e l t o t h e r o c k o n i t s r i g h t , w h e r e t h e b u l g e i s l e s s , c r o s s o v e r. I could not help taking the time consuming second way as first way was ruled out because rock had thorny bushes next to it whic h made climb on it impossible, rock was smooth, even I clear this other side (which side I could not see now) may have had thorny bushes.

S o , I ke p t g a i n i n g a l t i t u d e ke e p i n g t h e b u l g e r o c k t o m y left. This was not an easy job as way had thorns and I frequently lost sight of the bulge rock. As I went up I could notic e a slit in the bulge rock. What if this slit continued all along and let into the other edge! A h a , a f a i r y t a l e s t o r y - I s a i d t o m y s e l f. B u t i t w a s compelling. I was in a mood to try out anything. Moving till the silt itself was a 10min task and from then on just hope was on my side. I went up to the slit. W h e w ! S l i t w a s b i g e n o u g h t o l e t o n e p e r s o n i n . Wa y w a s c u r v y. I t w a s s u r r o u n d e d b y 8 m t s t o n e w a l l s a n d t h e p l a c e was wet with water trickling over the rocks, carving out b e a u t i f u l p a t t e r n s o n t h e r o c k s . H o p e l o o ke d p l a u s i b l e , b u t this way seemed to cut through the rock. I sat there for a while and meditated. What if I spend my whole life meditating here, doing yoga and discovering mathematics? Thought process could not be continuous. I had to watch out for deadly crevices. One misc alculation and I am buried a few meters below- taken aback by the thought of death, next second fascinated, I should die once and see how it feels. I stared at the black hole, decided, ‘one day I will do this’. If rain erodes the inner surfaces of the rocks at the rate direct ly proportio nal to thickness, then the law is exponential? then, halflife? Oh! It is a dead end. Clock showed one. I still had a lot of time. My intuition said “there is a way”, reality strikes b a c k “ b o y, n e x t t i m e ” .

How many times has this happened to me? If I discover something, somebody would already have. Multiplication, t r i g o n o m e t r y, r e s u l t s i n g e o m e t r y a n d n u m b e r t h e o r y, m y models for integer partition, have already been done. Let me see how longer this evades me …”have lost many things following my intuition”, I consoled myself. I was about to turn back when this interesting thing h a p p e n e d . A b ro w n g r a s s h o p p e r j u m p e d f r o m f a r l e f t o f t h e dead end to the dead end so perfectly camouflaged that I could not locate till it jumped again. The interesting thing was not about camouflage, but ‘there must be some vacant space at the far left’. “ Ye s , t h e r e i s a w a y ” , a s u d d e n t u r n l e f t t u r n c r e a t i n g t h e illusion of dead end. This struck me as a sign of my future success, instilled confidence in my intuition. Somewhere in t h e i n t e r i o r o f m y m i n d – “ y o u a r e a g e n i u s . Yo u k n o w, y o u are destined to achieve”. Did rocks resonate this thought? I felt so. Wa i t ! W h a t i f t h i s l e a d s m e i n t o h o m e o f s o m e w i l d b o a r o r b e a r ? I p e e p e d i n l i ke a t h i e f. T h e r e w a s a h i n t o f s l i t opening up, yes, I could see sunrays reaching the bottom o f t h e s l i t . S l i t h a d o p e n e d u p i n t o a w a t e r w a y. W o r l d o p e n e d i n t o a s m a l l w i n d o w. I w a s l o o k i n g i n t o t h e o u t s i d e w o r l d a f t e r a b o u t h a l f a n h o u r. I f e l t I w a s j u s t b o r n t o have a look outside.

A happy moment I rem embered how we ran up in the waterway at devarayanadurga, it was a breakthro ugh soon aft er lunc h. H o w I h a d t r e k ke d N a n d i h i l l s f o r t h e f i r s t t i m e a l o n e a n d i t had rained, how I had stood below jog with water splashing all over me, how I had yelled ‘I have already discovered this’ when I read Loney’s trigonometry book for the first time, how water had trickled down my body on the top of malegudda, how I had told appa “I feel multiplication is just a matter o f n o t a t i o n . I c a n p r o v e i t i s s a m e a s a d d i t i o n” , i t w a s almost midnight, that evening appa had introduced me to m u l t i p l i c a t i o n t a b l e s . T h e c o n n e c t i o n ke p t b u r n i n g t i l l I figured it out. A p p a s a i d “w h a t a b o u t a n u m b e r d i v i d e d b y t h r e e t i m e s say 1 cut into 3 parts multiplied another number of same kind?” I had no idea of any other kind than whole numbers. My theory had failed. “It is too late, sleep now”, Appa said. Fr u s t r a t e d , I s l e p t . I w a s 7 - 8 y e a r o l d t h e n . Wa t e r w a y h a d f e d t o r i c h v e g e t a t i o n ; t h i s p a r t w a s d e n s e a n d t h o r n y. I w a s n o w i n t h e v a l l e y o f k a r i g u d d a . Ka r i g u d d a - i t s t o o d l i k e a s a g e , w e l c o m i n g a s t u d e n t . Fi g h t i n g t h o r n s w a s d i f f i c u l t t h i s t i m e , n o s t i c k , n o k n i f e . I Learnt a new trick, I would throw my bag into the thorny bush and then step on it. I was gaining altitude but was clueless regarding how to approach karigudda. Climbing t h e r o c k w a s o u t o f q u e s t i o n a s i t w a s t o o s t e e p , I ke p t thro ugh the forest. Scenery I left behind was breathtaking.

I c o u l d s e e t h e l a ke b e l o w a n d t h e p e a k s o f Ra m a n a g a r a . I am going to climb each one of them, that one, this one, that one…… C l o c ke d s h o w e d 2 , d e c i d e d t o s i t b e l o w t h e ‘ l i g h t n i n g t r e e ’ a n d f i n i s h r e s t o f t h e Av a l a k k i . I t d i d n o t f i l l m y s t o m a c h . Expecting suc h a situat ion I had brought a few bananas, by t h e n t h e y h a d b e c o m e p a s t e l i ke .

How was the life of the Naayakas(fighters) who guarded D u r g a s l i ke t h i s ? I h a v e r e j o i c e d b e i n g a f i g h t e r f r o m m y c h i l d h o o d . A p p a t o o k m e t o ಚ ತ ೂ ದ ು ಗು ( c h i t r a d u r g a ) f o r t whenever we went to our home town. As I became older, I explored nook and corner and tell him about my adventures. Then, it was the other way, I showing him the p l a c e s h e m i s s e d . Wa s I b o r n a s s o m e N a a y a k a ? I saw a clearance to my left. It was unusual, it seemed manmade. Surprise, I saw a ದ ಡ ಡ ಬಾಗ ಲು (a small door of the dilapidated fort probably used for emergency ex it), it was an unexpected coincidence as I had been just thinking about fighters of the durga.

A m I s e e i n g a d r e a m ? I t w a s l i ke g o i n g s o m e c e n t u r i e s behind …. There were hardly signs of anybody using it, spiders s e e m e d t o h a v e c o n v e r t e d i t i n t o t h e i r l a b o r a t o r y. P l a n t s had grown so dense that it took me some time to know that I was walking on the stone slabs; roots of big trees had e v e n d i s p l a c e d t h e s e s l a b s . Ve g e t a t i o n h a d c h a n g e d b y altitude, characteristic smell moist decaying leaves h e r a l d e d t h e p r e s e n c e o f t r e e s w h i c h h a d t a ke n o v e r t h e thorny bushes. The way direct ly led me up the Karigudda (? ), I started experiencing a strange feeling, trek was a b o u t t o e n d ( I w o u l d c a l l y o u s m a r t i f y o u l o o ke d a t t h e page number after reading the previo us sentenc e). Karigudda was about to be conquered. I s t o o d o n t h e t o p . B r e a t h t a k i n g v i e w. I s a w a s m a l l p o n d on the top. I looked at the track I climbed; it was like looking at my life in fast forward mode. Clock showed 3. This is too early for my normal trekking standards. Biligudda seemed to be at much higher altitude than where I sat, but statistics said peaks differ only by 20 feet, B i l i g u d d a w i n n i n g . Wo n d e r i n g a b o u t t h i s f a c t a n d u n a w a r e of what was in stock for me, I turned back. What happened from now on, rattled me, killed me, I was dumbfounded with what life offered …. It made me realize, this was not a simple trek, it turned out to be spiritual j o u r n e y. O h m a n ! W h a t i s t h i s ? I s a w a m o n s t e r r i s i n g l i ke a c o n s t r i c t e d n o r m a l f u n c t i o n . T h e p e a k l o o ke d m a r v e l o u s , almost a perfect cone. This was unmistakably the one I had come for

“K a r i g u d d a ! ! ”

I s a i d t o m y s e l f.

Fr o m t h e s i d e I h a d a p p r o a c h e d , h i g h r a i s e d t r e e s h a d b l o c ke d t h e v i e w o f t h e p e a k a n d i t o n l y a p p e a r e d w h e n I s t o o d o n t h i s r o c k w h i c h I h a d m i s t a ke n f o r K a r i g u d d a f r o m the beginning the trek. I took the last snap of the pond, the peak of Biligudda in background seemed to remind of a distant aim. I ran down into the forest to get to the base of the karigudda. This is no simple task. One needs skill to clear this strip; it is the steepest I have ever climbed till date. It is my practice to never grip using hands while climbing a steep rock as walking on the legs gives super ior grip. But while I was almost halfway, I lost the grip. If I hadn’t fallen on my hands, death was certain. I was climbing with the mentality of ‘let me beat this guy’ and that was not a good state of mind. I realized how my mental state had led me to imperfection. I did lie down for a while, it was a submissio n. My arroganc e was shattered. I meditated, my w a s c l e a r. I t w a l ke d u p t o t h e p e a k o n m y l e g s a s u s u a l . I t was a miracle.

Pe a k w a s n a r r o w , m i n d w a s p r i s t i n e . I w a s o n e w i t h t h e mountain. I knew I had to be calm, but, why was I i m p a t i e n t d u r i n g t h e c l i m b ? N o a n s w e r. I m a d e a m i s t a ke , I corrected it, and I smiled, all the peaks around me sm iled. Me, my life, adventures, mathematics all seemed to muddle up in space time. I stopped asking philosophical q u e s t i o n s t o m y s e l f. I s a w t h e t r u e m e a n i n g w h e n I submitted. There was no me, I disso lved into the rock and became a part of it. I had no necessity to ask any question, I am here to play my role; I am him, its true, L i ke t h e h u s h i n t h e s e s n o w m o u n t a i n s , t h e s i l e n c e s w e l l e d w i t h t h e i n t a ke o f m y b r e a d t h i n t o a presence of vast benevolenc e of whic h I was a part: in my journal for that day, seeking in vain to find the words for what had happened, I called it the “smile”. The smile seem ed to grow out of me, f i l l i n g a l l t h e s p a c e a b o v e a n d b e h i n d l i ke a h u g e shadow… for it was I who smiled; the smile was me. I did not breathe; I did not need to look; for it was everywhere. Nor there was terror in my awe: I f e l t “ g o o d ” , l i ke a “ g o o d c h i l d ” , e n t i r e l y s a f e . Wo u n d s , r a g g e d e d g e s , h o l l o w p l a c e s w e r e a l l gone, all had been healed; my heart lay at the h e a r t o f a l l c r e a t i o n” T h e S n o w L e o p a r d , Pe t e r M a t h i e s s e n Advaita. I realiz ed that some people were waving me from Biligudda. I waved them back. They must have been surprised to see a lone person on the other peak. I could identify shivagange(ಶ ವಗಂಗೆ), distinct triangular peak. I was confused in deciding which Nandi hill among other peaks

is. I climbed down and waved back at the peak that taught me life. Fa r s t r e t c h i n g e x p a n s e o f t h e m o n o l i t h w a s s t u n n i n g , t h e r e w a s l o t u n e x p l o r e d . Re l i c s o f t h e f o r t o n t h e o t h e r s i d e were in good condition due to sparse human intervention. I thought, the trek ended but fate had a different story to s a y. I u n s u s p e c t i n g l y s t a r t e d w a l k i n g t o w a r d s B i l i g u d d a . I had underestimated the difficulty of the path from karigudda to biligudda. As I got down the karigudda a s t e e p r o c k b l o c ke d m y v i s i o n o f B i l i g u d d a . S i n c e t h i s r o c k was too steep to climb, I had to go into to valley of Karigudda (now there were two valleys. One was where I t r e k ke d f r o m a n d t h e o t h e r o n o t h e r s i d e o f K a r i g u d d a ) . I n order to explore the other side of the valley, I started getting down. I encountered deadly crevic es, at beginning I l o s t a l t i t u d e u n i f o r m l y. A s I p r o g r e s s e d c r e v i c e s b e c a m e difficult to handle, my speed was too slow and at one point I had to stop with ‘black holes’ all around me ready to show me way into new universe. Another unnoticed thing was that I was in the shadow region of karigudda and vegetation was so dense that I was almost in darkness. This was a serious setback. I p u t t h e t o r c h o n , b u t i t d i d n o t l i g h t u p . I t r e k ke d u p t h e valley again, now with half the speed I had come because of bad light. I came back to the place where I started from. It was almost half an hour and my displac ement was zero. To g e t h e r w i t h l o w v i s i b i l i t y , p o s s i b i l i t y o f g e t t i n g s t r u c k here for that night made me get tensed (this was unusual f o r m e ) . I t r i e d t h e o t h e r s i d e o f t h e v a l l e y. A h ! C r e v i c e s again. This was irritating. I could have cleared them if I had enough light. I knew sun was not yet down, it was still 4 . 1 5 o r 4 . 3 0 , b u t I w a s s t i l l i n s h a d o w r e g i o n . Ti m e w a s

running out, if I was not out of the shadow within another half an hour, I would be bestowed with complete darkness. Pa n i c ! I decided to try other side of the valley again. Being struck between Karigudda and the steep rock, I was forced to o p e r a t e w i t h i n s m a l l t u n n e l l i ke a r e a . G a t h e r i n g a l l m y courage, I moved down the valley on the other side to give a n o t h e r t r y. T h e r e w a s a c l e a r a n c e w h e r e g r a s s grew and maximum light penetrated. I decided to sleep there if there was no way out. But this time I could not go down till where I had gone last time- reason Darkness. Up stream in the inner canyon, “ ಆ ಯ ುತ D a r k s i l e n c e s d e e p e n e d b y t h e r o a r o f s t o n e s , , ಇವತ ತ ನ Something is listening, ಕಥೆ!”,I And I am listening too, Who is it that intrudes here, Who is breathing? Pe t e r M a t h i e s s e n d e c i d e d I w a s s t r u c k a n d t o o k o u t m y m o b i l e p h o n e . Ye t a n o t h e r b l o w , n o n e t w o r k ! ( I h a d t a l ke d t o a f e w f r i e n d s while I was getting down karigudda). I felt all the bad luck was heaped on me alone. I had promised to call home at 5 a n d i t w a s 5 m i n u t e s t o 5 . U n l i ke D e v a r a a y a n a d u r g a t r e k t i m e m a n a g e m e n t w a s p e r f e c t . N o w I h a d t o ke e p t h e h o m e tensed, I knew Mom wouldn’t sleep. Then we were five and n o w I w a s a l o n e . Pa r e n t s w o u l d b e s e r i o u s l y u p s e t i f I c o u l d n o t r e a c h h o m e t o d a y. A l l t h e c a u t i o n s a p p a h a d t o l d m e today morning were in vain. “ I a m h e l p l e s s ” , I c r i e d t o m y s e l f. B u t t h e f a c t w o u l d n ’ t sink into me.

D e j e c t e d , t h o u g h t l e s s t h e n e x t s e c o n d , I w a l ke d t o w a r d s t h e c l e a r a n c e I h a d m a r ke d e a r l i e r. Pa i r o f s n a ke s w a s having sex. My body climbed the tree, mind said “ Now I cant sleep with shanti”. I was exhausted. If I had got some restable place, eyes would close by themselves. I was put in the worst position I could imagine. Lips started drying. I felt thirsty and remembered having emptied the last bottle on top of karigudda. S u d d e n l y , t h i s i d e a s t r i ke d m e . H o w i f I ke e p m o v i n g n e x t to the steep rock till it opens up somew here? This was a s u p e r b s o l u t i o n b e c a u s e , a s I ke p t m o v i n g n e x t t o t h e steep rock there is no chance of missing the track at all, no chance of meeting crevices and once I get out of this Biligudda shall be visible to me and I would be out of shadow regio n( remember there was still light in outside world). S n a ke s h a d d e p a r t e d , I g o t d o w n . I w a l ke d t h e w a y a s I planned, this time not caring for thorns, let them kill me how much ever they could, I wanted to get out of this place. I moved with such elegance as if I knew the place from my birth.

Ye s ! I w a s o u t o f t h e s h a d o w. B i l i g u d d a w a s s h i n i n g ; r a t h e r i t w a s r e f l e c t i n g t h e l a s t r a y s o f t h e d a y. C e l e b r a t i o n ! N o , there was no time. If I was not on the Biligudda peak within half an hour, I would again be lost in darkness, this t i m e f o r e v e r. Plan

ಮತ ಾಾಕೀ ಹುರುಪು , ಅ ಥಥವ ಲ ಲದ ಸಮಝಾಯ ಷ ನೆನಪ ನ ನೀಹಾರ ಕೆಯ ಬೆನ ುು ಹತ ತ ಹುಚ ುು …… ನುಸುನಗು

w a s t o t a ke t h e familiar side of the valley till I got some ಮತ ೆೊತಂದು ಹೆೊ ಸ ದ ನ , ಹೆೊ ಸ ಪ ರಪಂಚದ ಭ ರಮ h i n t o f t h e w a y we h a d t a ke s l a s t ಒಮ ಮ ಸಾಧನೆ , ಒಮ ಮ ಆಕೆ .... ಮತ ೆತ ಶೊನ ಾ time. Progress was ಯಾಕೀ , ಸಾಕು serendipity ಯ slow b u t s t e a d y. I m e t many c a v e l i ke ಭರವಸೆ , s t r u c t u r e s l i ke ಮತ ೆ ತ ?????? the ones we had met last time, felt ideally suited for solitary meditation. When the trek had started, I had too little involvement. I climbed by default, then it became tougher, I put my conscious thought. It became still tougher during my climb of Karigudda, nature taught me a lesson, I realiz ed ‘oneness with nat ure’. Then, I was challenged to escape f r o m t h e s h a d o w , a b r i g h t i d e a f l a s h e d a n d i t w o r ke d . B u t t h e r e w a s t h i s s t r a n g e “ m e ” n e s s a l l o v e r , ‘ I ’ ke p t w i n n i n g , t h i s e v e n t h a p p e n e d a n d c h a n g e d m e f o r e v e r. ‘I’ was destroyed. Tw o r o c k s w e r e s e p a r a t e d b y 2 - 3 m t s , t h e s e t w o r o c k s t a p e r e d t o c r e a t e a c r e v i c e . I h a d t o c r o s s o v e r. T h e r e w a s n o o t h e r w a y. T h e r e w a s a t r e e a l m o s t i n b e t w e e n . I t r i e d t o p e r c h o n t h e t r e e , s a i l a n d l a n d o n t h e o t h e r s i d e l i ke t h e g i r l i n “ c r o u c h i n g t i g e r a n d t h e h i d d e n d r a g o n” . T h e n

c a m e t h e u n e x p e c t e d j o l t . T h e b r a n c h I w a s h o l d i n g b r o ke , I felt into the crevice. Death! It comes to you when you don’t expect it, it tumbles you when you are riding on the succ ess wave. A quick move, I struck myself at the centre of the crevic e with my back pushing the one rock and my legs pushing t h e o t h e r. I t t o o k m e s o m e t i m e t o c o m p r e h e n d w h a t h a d happened, after studying my situation fear gripped me. I had 15 minutes more to live. I was struck in an awkward position, I slowly started sliding, I could not sustain in this situation too long. I could slowly feel myself going down, every inc h I moved, I grew weary of the thought that I was going to die. ಯ ಾ ವ ಮ ೋ ಹ ನ ಮ ು ರ ಳ ಕ ರ ೆ ಯ ತ ೆೊೋ ದೊರ ತೋರಕೆ ನ ನ ನನು ಯಾವ brin ದಾವನವು ಸೆಳೆಯ ತು ನ ನ ನ ಮಣ ಣ ನ ಕಣ ಣನು ವ ವ ಶ ವ ಾ ಯ ತ ು ಪ ಾೂ ಣ ಪ ರ ವ ಶ ವ ು ನ ನ ನ ೋ ಚ ೆೋ ತ ನ ಇ ರ ು ವ ು ದ ೆ ಲ ಲ ವ ಬ ಟ ುು ಇ ರ ದ ು ದ ರ ೆ ಡ ೆ ಗ ೆ ನ ಡ ೆ ವ ು ದ ೆೋ ಜ ೋ ವ ನ D e a t h w a s c e r t a i n . I d i d n ’ t f e e l l i ke s h o u t i n g . M o b i l e w a s i n the bag on top the rock, even if it was there, only thing I could tell was where to search for my corpus. Body started to tremble, shock was immense. O k , I a m g o i n g t o d i e , f i n e , t e l l m e a p ro b l e m I c a n s o l v e now, I ordered my mind.

Riemann’s Hypothesis! Pa r t i t i o n t h e o r e m ! . . . Oh! Stop. I smiled. I had thought I was born because these problems were there. I felt I was seeing my life as if I am s e e i n g a c i n e m a a n d n o w t h e c i n e m a i s o v e r. G e t u p a n d g o out of the theatre- this was obvio us, again not easy to digest. I had to wave goodbye to this beautiful world b e f o r e w i t n e s s i n g m y 2 1 s t b i r t h d a y. Fe w o f t h e H i b e r t ’ s problems still remained. With the certainty of my end, I decided to do ಪ ಾೂ ಣ ಾ ಯ ಾ ಮ ( p r a n a a y a a m a ) . S l o w l y I c o n v i n c e d ( a s o r t o f ) myself and grew confident of the fact. I was happy with what life At rest, free and immortal… All the things abided eternally as they were in their proper places … sometimes infinite behind everything appeared. -T h o m a s Tr a h e r n e , C e n t u r i e s o f M e d i t a t i o n offered me ….smile…perhaps the last smile. N o s o l v a b l e p r o b l e m s t r i ke d t o m e . I c o u l d h e a r b i r d s chirping above my head while they were moving towards t h e i r n e s t s . I l o o ke d u p . I s a w t h e p a r t o f t h e b r o ke n t r e e . I hit upon this idea. “If I can travel a little upwards balancing between my legs and back and since the gap between the rocks increased there I can’t grip above a c e r t a i n p o i n t . I f I c a n t a ke a l e a p f r o m t h a t p o i n t ( simultaneously I have to get disconnected from the rock) and hold on to the tree and then I can climb it and cross over to the other rock-not to the rock I came from, else all my circus goes waste). All this was assuming that tree would not give up again.

We l l , I h a d g o t a s i m p l e p r o b l e m t o s o l v e . Tw o p e r s o n n o n co operative game where min-max theorem yields no saddle point. In simple words, trying out what I had thought was my best alternativ e as this offered some chance of survival, else death was sure. I need not say what happened next. Sun was now behind Karigudda, a light haze prevailed. Half of Srikanth was still left in the crevice wonder ing, other D a y s a n d m o n t h s a r e t r a v e l e r s o f e t e r n i t y. S o a r e the years that pass by … I myself have been tempted for a long time by the cloud moving wind-filled with strong desire to wander …. I w a l ke d t h r o u g h m i s t s a n d c l o u d s , b r e a t h i n g t h e thin air of high altitudes and stepping on slippery ic e and snow, till at last through a gateway of clouds, as it seemed, to very paths of sun and moon, I reac hed the summit, completely out of breat h and frozen to death. Presently the sun went down and moon rose g l i s t e n i n g i n t h e s ky ” -B a s h o , T h e n a r r o w r o a d t o t h e d e e p N o r t h f i g u r e d o u t t h e w a y w e h a d t a ke n l a s t t i m e . I sprinted for nearly 10 minutes and climbed the Biligudda r o c k u n l i ke h o p p i n g r o c k s l i ke l a s t t i m e . C o m p l e t e l y e x h a u s t e d , I f e l l t o m y k n e e s , a m a z e d a n d a m u s e d “w h a t i s happening with me”, I wanted to say “ I am alive”, but no voice would come out. I sat at the feat of Nandi and meditated.

Life and death hav e no difference to me. If you go too close to death, you shall realize the meaninglessness of ‘ y o u ’ . A l l p ro b l e m s s e e m e d t r i v i a l . O n e t h i n g I l e a r n t ‘fear not time, fear not anything, fear not myself’ Here, on top, in the ಸನ ನ ಧ ( spiritual presence) of Nandi, I lost my ಅಹಂ (aham). Life –detachment, pursue because it interests you, no fundamental questions. Self dissolved into supreme, no questions, no answ ers, it’s bliss.

( t h i s p h o t o w a s n o t t a ke n b y m e )

Epilogue I w a l ke d b a c k t o S a v a n d u r g a e n t r a n c e a s I d i d n o t g e t a n y b u s . N e w f o u n d i d e a o f ‘ D e t a c h m e n t f r o m o n e s e l f ’ ke p t m e going. I reac hes raamanagara and then took a bus to B e n g a l o o r u o n m y s o r e - b a n g a l o r e h i g h w a y. Called home and concerned friends telling my safe arrival. As of mathematics is concerned, I found it was not two perso n non co operative problem. It needs generaliz ed Bayes theo rem, I am working on it. **end of the article**