Alternative Family Article

1. What was on your mind when you first contemplated being part of an alternative family arrangement? What were your dreams and fears? First and foremost, I felt and still feel the need to fight for the rights and against the social injustices suffered by gay and lesbian people for years. The law has been so draconian and blatantly discriminatory against gay and lesbian people that have rendered us second class citizens and makes it exceptionally difficult for those who desire to start a family. Further, my coming out experience was reasonably abrupt and life changing, which entailed among other things the rather profound realisation that I would not likely to ever have a traditional family of my own. However, I felt that I had many positive attributes and qualities as a person to offer the world and would be deeply saddened by the prospect of passing without progeny. Having said that, paternal instinct has never demanded any attention in my consciousness and the notion of active parenting is incredibly daunting to say the least. To that end, donating just seemed like an obvious and natural answer that would serve both of these purposes – to help gay couples who really want to have children but could not do so easily start a family and leave a bit of myself behind without necessarily being involved in active parenting. I think my dreams were well articulated and communicated with both couples I helped. Provided that I was comfortable that the prospective donees were good natured and reasonably well balanced people, I was happy to be flexible to meet their needs on their terms. That was why I did not have any preconceived expectations of the arrangements, albeit I did have the notion of what I would consider an “ideal arrangement”. As it turned out, it became quite apparent that both couples I helped held very similar views as what I would consider an ideal arrangement once we started the negotiation process – I would adopt the role of an uncle in the children’s lives without being involved in their active parenting or become a member of their immediate family unit. In fact, that degree of separateness from the “hub” of the family unit yet being involved on the side lines from time to time were more than ideal for me. On the other end of the spectrum, my fears were limited. Perhaps I was plain naïve or perhaps my lack of expectations and detachment to some extent did not subject too much at stake that would put fear in me. If I must be analytical, my fears that specifically pertained to me were more practical in nature, eg, what was my legal position in respect of potential child support claims in future? Who would be responsible for the children’s financial welfare if their parents passed away before they came of age? On the other hand, my other fears that related specifically to the children were more emotionally based, eg, what would happen to the children if the mothers’ relationship broke down? What kind of challenges would the children face in a world where our alternative family arrangement is not understood at best and met with hostility at worst? These fears were almost humanitarian in their origins; they were genuine

concerns for the children’s quality of life that was not necessarily borne out of my biological relationship with them. 2. What were your thoughts when contact was first made with the prospective donor/donee/partner? What made you choose them? With Andrea and Yasmin, I felt very excited when the initial contact was made. Ironically, the feelings were reminiscent of the rush of self-assurance and validation I felt every time when I was single and an eligible bachelor took the interest to contact me after they had seen my personal profile on some internet dating website! Upon our first meeting with this couple, I was most certainly interested but their circumstance introduced an unexpected level of complexity – they were living in Japan and planned to return once insemination was completed. I was also concerned for them in respect of the potential costs of flying to and from Japan for each ovulation cycle that would be contingent on the length of time they would need to fall pregnant. Putting aside the practicalities, I liked Andrea and Yasmin instinctively as they seemed exceptionally gentle in nature. When it came down to it, it was the gut feel that these people were genuine and low maintenance individuals that compelled me to go through with the arrangement. I could see myself trusting the many future judgements and decisions they would no doubt need to make in respect of the child’s life in the future. The two of them did subject Sam and I through much interrogation as part of their decision making process, including a full account of our sexual history in separate interviews where Sam and I were quarantined. Strangely, I felt more reassured than put out that they adopted such a serious approach in assessing my suitability. The process they went through merely confirmed and augmented my opinion of them as reliable and down to earth people. Our initial contact with Louise and Molly was more casual and relatively less solemn. Perhaps our interaction was lubricated by a similar culture and common language, unlike Andrea and Yasmin who seemed to hold out a more culturally Oriental demeanour than the western attitude and deportment with which I was familiar. I remember distinctly feeling that we had a good fit not long into our discussion but, almost comically on hindsight, I sensed controlled reservation on both sides, as if neither party wanted to appear too enthusiastic that may otherwise devalue our perceived attractiveness to each other by coming across “too desperate”. Perhaps self preservation was also at work, sounding alarm bells to slow ourselves down, lest we made an impulsive and ill thought out decision. Similar to my assessment of Andrea and Yasmin, much of my enthusiasm in entering into the arrangement with Louise and Molly was aroused by the level of intelligence these ladies displayed. I found myself enjoying our conversation, whether the topic related to baby making or otherwise. Being one who has never excelled in physical prowess, I have always prized intelligence and analytical depth, which was evident in even our initial interaction.

Perhaps, for me, observable intelligence was tacit confirmation that the prospective mothers had all the necessary faculties to provide for their children’s future. Or perhaps, on a more philosophical level, the prospect of issuing intelligent offspring was appealing to some inherently primitive instinct programmed within me to perpetuate intellectually fit descendants as part of the whole scheme of human evolution. I admittedly did not have to invest too much thought into my decision when Louise and Molly indicated that they would like me to be their donor. The sheer determination and longing they exhibited in starting a family had more than enough touched me. After all, these people had been trying to conceive for some time – the heartache and effort they had already gone through by that time were more than adequate to attest to their persevering and loving characters. As I needed little to convince me that the baby would be in good hands (we were not anticipating twins at that stage), the decision was simple and easy for me. 3. What were some of the challenges, positive or negative, during the trials for conception? For Andrea and Yasmin, the obvious challenge was the pressure of having to achieve conception as quickly as possible due to the fact that they were planning to fly in from Japan for insemination for each ovulation cycle. Then there were the practicalities of where and how insemination was to take place, given that the whole exercise was unchartered territory for both parties. For instance, was I to deposit my donation in a specimen jar and deliver it to them like home delivery pizzas? How many times should we repeat the process to maximise our chance of success? On hindsight, it was rather humourous that we were somewhat blasé and stumbled through all these issues with a “we will cross that bridge when we come to it” attitude, which was probably a defensive mechanism to take the edge off the stress of executing our plan. As an added bonus, Andrea fell pregnant after our first cycle of insemination attempts. Personally, I would never forget the email from Andrea a few weeks after her first visit. She informed me that the early pregnancy test she took, which was meant to detect conception within seven to ten days, came out negative. Needless to say, all of us felt a little deflated. Another week later, I received another email from Japan complaining how those early pregnancy tests were really not worth their money – she had missed her period for several days and the two consecutive pregnancy tests she took that morning were unequivocally positive! I think I screamed “Oh my god” twenty times in the next five minutes. The process with Louise and Molly was far less simple. Based on their account and if I recall correctly, Molly had been trying to fall pregnant with frozen sperm in the preceding twelve months without success. My recruitment represented a change of tact – the ladies resolved to continue their attempt but with live specimen from me to improve their chance of success. Given that Molly had already subject her body to much stress, our initial agreement was for me to donate to Louise.

At a practical level, it took some discipline to provide the donation at specific times every month. While my boyfriend was supportive and had very much bought in and become part of the arrangement, it would not be entirely truthful to say that we were not dictated and, to some extent, disrupted by the ladies’ ovulation cycles in the ensuing months. Having said that, we were prepared and committed to the process and the prospect of conception kept us focussed and single minded. Given the prolonged period of donation as Louise was experiencing some difficulties falling pregnant, the actual deed of donating went from initially awkward to comfortably comical – somewhere along the process, I was proud to boast my proficiency in bottling “myself” in a little specimen jar with impeccable accuracy; my boyfriend discovered his hidden talent as a human incubator; and all of us were convinced that we would be arrested one day by the anti-terrorist task force as our secretive delivery of my donation to the ladies who were wearing dark sunglasses waiting in the car under my apartment block would sooner or later cause any bystander to “be alert but not alarmed”. After attempting conception the more “natural” way to no avail, however natural it could be when a specimen jar was involved, the ladies enlisted the help of IVF. The procedure involved the three of us meeting with a government appointed psychologist, who turned out to be most condescending and, quite frankly, plain obnoxious. What stands out the most for me was our discussion regarding my sexual orientation. At one stage, the psychologist appeared to be trying to impress upon the ladies that I was gay, to which Louise replied with facetious wit, “Yes, we know he is gay and we are fine with it!” I had to restrain my urge to giggle, which was made particularly difficult when we noticed the zipper on the psychologist’s trousers was half way down all through the interview. The biggest challenge came when Louise experienced a chemical pregnancy. The magnitude of the joy and sense of camaraderie and achievement we all shared when she first fell pregnant undoubtedly rivalled the devastation and sense of defeat we felt when the pregnancy terminated unexpectedly. It would be unfair of me to try and describe the utter devastation Louise and Molly must have felt at the time, especially considering, by that time, we had been trying for about twelve months. My empathy could only go so far and I simply could not imagine what they must have gone through. After a brief hiatus to allow time to heal, the ladies decided to swap roles again – Molly commenced IVF while Louise gave her body some much needed rest. After a few attempts with Molly, she fell pregnant with the twins and the rest, as they say, was history. For all practical purposes, my work was completed at that time and I deliberately gave the ladies time and space to enjoy the pregnancy experience and the impending additions to their family. 4. Were things different after the birth(s) to what you thought they would be? Not at all. With Amadeus Liam, I was expecting that the geographical distance would naturally limit my involvement with his life. I am lucky and grateful that Andrea has continually been keeping me up to date with his development with lots of emails and photos. While I felt a hint of regret for not being able to have more interaction with

my biological first born, I do have a definite and strong awareness within me that I am a donor, rather than a father. This mindset explained my complete surprise when Andrea and Amadeus visited me last August and Andrea asked me if I would be willing to look after Amadeus should something happen to her as a contingency. I was very flattered to have been asked and I am eternally grateful that Andrea and my relationship has been so generously compromising and collaborative, even though her question completely took me off guard. I feel that our relationship will continue to be so going forward. Louise and Molly are equally thoughtful. While I deliberately keep a certain amount of distance between me and their family, the ladies consistently invite us on their own accord to their house to spend time with them and the twins. I am also grateful to have witnessed the baby phase of the twins’ lives, on which I had unfortunately missed out in Amadeus’ case. Even more so than my arrangement pertaining to Amadeus, I am fastidiously conscious of my role as a donor and uncle of sorts to the twins. This constant awareness provides a clear demarcation and defines my role when I spend time with the family. To date, I remain flexible to meet the needs of all the mothers and will continue to do so because it is my view that as long as all our future decisions are made in the best interest of the children, guided by the overarching principle that the respective mothers have the pre-emptive say and associated responsibilities regarding such decisions, and any necessary discussions between all the stakeholders are amiable, respectful, and compromising, I cannot foresee any issues ever arising in future. In any event, I am by nature agreeable and fair in important life matters such as these arrangements. These qualities define my very being, which renders the likelihood of the likes of horror stories involving bitter custody battles between donors and donees ever happening to us highly implausible in my view. 5. How do you conceptualise your relationship to the others in this group? Your children's relationships to the others? In my view, there exist effectively three distinct families – Sam and I, Andrea and Amadeus, and Louise, Molly, Lucie, and Joe. These three groups function as separate family units and carry out their day to day lives separately. Not unlike the concept of relatives and the extended family, we are all related to each other in some sense. Similar to a typical extended family group, some relatives see each other frequently; others only meet up at Easter or Christmas; yet some get together every few years. To my way of thinking, while all the children are effectively biological half brothers and sisters, the nature of our arrangements and the demarcation of the discrete family units dictate that they are more akin to being cousins, rather than half siblings, to each other from a relational point of view. In the end, regardless of how we characterise our relationships with each other, one thing is certain – we will always be related to each other in some way. Against all

odds, we have created an extended family group and hopefully provided a role model for those who are thinking of doing the same in future. Our family group may have been deliberately created but we are family nonetheless. 6. How have your families of origin responded to the new family? At this stage, my family is not aware of the arrangements. My parents have been having great difficulties in accepting my sexual orientation ever since my disclosure to them about two years ago. While I respect that they need time to understand and accept who I am, it is also my view that they currently do not deserve to know about the arrangements, nor do I think they are currently in the position to handle the reality of such arrangements coming from a predominantly hetero-nominative worldview. I have every intention to tell them if they have ever earned the right to know.