All For The Little One, Part 2

Part 2; The Gnome, Mrs. Mad-Dog and her Chocolate cookies.

Ok, I'll admit it, even if it DOES make the Wee Folk of Ireland mad at me.. I LIKE Gnomes...(Gnomes are not the same as Leprechauns, and Leprechauns are not the same as Gnomes, and I imagine that both of them are sick of being confused with each other..) Yes, I am a male, yes I am big and strong, and no, I don't play with dolls (uh, does the Sims count? Never mind..) But I collect Gnomes and put them in my house, and love seeing a Gnome in the front yard of homes in Hayward. The houses in Hayward NEED Gnomes. Sometimes that's the only difference between any of them. Most of the homes in Hayward were built in the 1950s and 1960s, and the only shape they come in is 'big ugly BOX". While I have no proof of it, I'm sure that half the town was most likely built in about, I'd say, 3 days..tops. Craft, planning, and art need not apply. Just put it up and don't worry about the way they look. It's a box for Pete's sake, just like all the others in town.(Goethe once said that architecture was music frozen. If that's true, the "music' of Hayward homes is Elevator) Don't worry about it.. Home buyers are dumb anyway.. they need something they don't have to think about. Get 'em up, get em done, and sell , sell, sell, Saith the great God Business. And lo, the Boxes were built and called houses. And the god thought it was good, and sent out the serpents called salesmen, who proclaimed 'So it's a box! That makes it easy to take care of" But the people cried "But.. but it's like all the others! There's no difference! No independent style, grace, or beauty!" And the serpents cried back 'What are you? Some kind of trouble maker? Fie on you sinner! THE PEOPLE have decided that THIS is the wave of the future!! How DARE you go against THE PEOPLE!!' And the people were silent, fearing that they would stand out and be noticed..something they DID NOT want to do in such ancient times as the 50's .. So, the sad people settled into their new boring homes and told themselves it was good, daring not to upset the lie, while the serpents took trains to the next state and sold beachfront property in Nevada, and DID agree that it WAS good. But the new owners, after staying in their homes, yearned to go out, to look for beauty, fun and comfort that they could not find 'AT HOME", and venture forth.. and many did not return.. I wonder how many were lost in those first days, going forever up and down the streets, searching and searching for the home they had left that morning, looking for something ANYTHING, that may have given them a clue to which of the ugly boxes were theirs. Some of them DID return though, and vowed that it would never happen again.. But since it was usually a man driving and refused to ask directions, it of course did. And thus, came the Gnomes.. We still don't know where they came from. Garden Gnomes, as we know them, first appeared in the German town of Gräfenroda (Gesundheit!) around the mid 1800s, and should not be confused with Gnomes who used to wander the mountains and forests of Europe. THOSE guys we know even less about, and considering some of the very dark tales that used to be told about them, we may not want to.. We're not even sure where their name comes from. "Genomos " which is Old English misspelling for "earth-dweller"? Gnosis, which is Greek for "Knowledge"? Or, as many scholars believe, (and my favorite) did Dr. Paracelsus, a Medieval physician, botanist, alchemist, astrologer, and general occultist who first wrote about them, simply invent the word just because it sounded good.. So, the Gnomes were there to help find home.. or direction. And that's why I was staring at that Gnome, wishing so much I could hear a

whisper from it, see a sign that might tell me the answer I wanted to know. And, seeking comfort, facing something I knew and liked. Yes, I asked much of this Gnome, because I had more than a touch of fear, and a great deal of embarrassment. Why? Because, for the first time in my entire life, the very FIRST time, I was lost. And in Hayward.. I'm afraid that most of you will NEVER understand the great embarrassment I have saying that. I spent most of my early life traveling around the world and not getting lost. I've wandered though the endless waste of both the Sahara and Gobi and didn't get lost. I've wandered through the jungles of South America and Africa and didn't get lost. Did both the Atlantic and Pacific in small boats during storms and didn't get lost. The frozen North of Canada and the USSR, nope, not lost.. True, I DID get lost in the Playboy Mansion once, but that was different.. That was different; I didn't WANT to be found (Except by Nikki, but THAT'S another story for another time..) But all those places, all those times, I NEVER got lost! And here I was, the Oh-so-great-explorer, lost in suburbia. So, I was going to do the great forbidden thing. As a man, I was going to ask directions..May the great turkey-neck in the sky forgive me.. Before going up to the front door of the house to knock on it and get directions (Sighh), I decided to examine the Gnome. It was a pretty good one, plaster, uncolored,with a flowing beard that looked like combed whip cream, boots, overalls, a shovel in one hand held like a cane, and a cap that made him look like Gnome-dwarf-lumberjack combo (See below). It was very, very good. So good, that despite it's lack of color, a secret part of your brain wouldn't be surprised if you set it down and it walked away.. I was really, really enjoying myself looking at it. In fact, I was enjoying myself too much.. I didn't hear Mrs. "Maddog" coming out the front door, I didn't hear her at all.. In fact, I had no idea that she was even there until her broom hit my head. "&*%#@#! Take that you thief!! *&%#@ sick of you guys taking my Gnomes!" 'Lady! Lady! I'm not taking it! I'm not taking it! I was just looking at it! Just looking at it!. Here! I'm putting down! I'm putting it down!" It was amazing really.. The only way you could describe her was a "little old lady", yet she was hitting me hard enough to cave in my skull, and had a mouth that was so dirty that my Uncle the sailor would have blushed. I've NEVER heard words put in such order, and a part of me wished that I had a notebook then to write it all down. What an imagination!! A horny Gummy at a zoo couldn't have done what she suggested rather loudly! When she finally stopped with the broom, I turned around and made a dash for dear life. I forgot about the Gnome in front of me.. (Which was odd.. I would have SWORE I had put it to the right, under the hedge. What was it doing on the walkway in front of me now? Oh yeah, tripping me..) Now, I Did manage to put my hands in front of me so that when I fell forward I stopped my face from going down into the sidewalk, but despite experience, I didn't have any hands somewhere else to protect SOMETHING else from ramming into the now very hard plaster Gnome. Did I scream? I can honestly say I didn't, but only because the pain was so great that it wiped out any thought of doing ANYTHING, anything at all. I don't remember doing anything, but if you were to insult me and say I may cried a bit, I think I would be more likely to sadly nod my head in agreement than sock you in the jaw.. There was no words of sympathy from the Wicked Witch of the West. She was, in fact, screaming louder. Seems she was very, very, unhappy. How DARE I touch the Gnome with that place!! Now it was DIRTY! Now there was NO way she could enjoy looking at it! I have to admit I was surprised it would bother her.. I would have thought she would ENJOY having something there to look at that would remind her of the pain caused to a so-called thief. Maybe she was just mad that someone in the house got closer to an area she knew she would never get anywhere near. I would have said so, gladly, but I was WAY too busy groaning very loudly.. Besides, I had other things to think and worry about. The cops had been called, and wonder of wonders, they were actually there! I was so amazed at the sight of them that it almost didn't worry me.. Almost..

I suppose I'm going to have to explain the "amazed' part (Wonderful.. as if I didn't already have enough people that hated me..) You see, I'm not saying the Hayward are bad or anything. In some cases they're the smartest, most talented in California. But most of the time they're just not there.. and don't want to be. They have a fine "live and let live policy" and rarely stop in unless someone is actually hurting someone, or almost everyone in the same block has called a couple of times. Like for example: even though fireworks are illegal, every July 4th it's not uncommon to see almost every front shooting off rockets and such, with a police parked not too far away with the officers just watching. There have break-ins by several of my friends (and myself) with the cops not showing up until 2 hours later, even on slow nights. (Was told by one secretly that there was no point in hurrying unless the person who did the break-in was still there, which I sadly admit makes a certain sort of sense). They have a 'hands off "touch with gangs, street people and minor drug pushers (unless they sell to kids) and have so much an "maybe if I close my eyes and it'll go away" attitude that I have actually heard gang members up in Oakland saying that they could go to Hayward so they "wouldn't be bothered" on nights that they were bored and looking for something to do, (or destroy). So, a police car, there? After only 3 mins of screaming? (mostly by ME, I might add..) Something was most definitely odd.. One of the officers, using his fine-edged brain to solve the case in front of him, stood above me and said "Fall down fella?' And I, of course not being able to resist a straight line to save my life, whimpered painfully "No..no thank you.. already had one.. Didn't care for it.. Thank you very much.." The officer gave a polite snort and gave me a hand up. As he did so, he noticed the gnome, the look of pain in my eyes, looked at me and said 'ohhh owww...that's got to hurt.' shaking his head sadly 'Here, come in and sit down' he added as he opened the back door of the police car. I didn't fight it; I just laid on the leather seat and moaned silently. I'll admit I worried a bit when the door closed behind me, but I also admit any thoughts of the Great Escape didn't come to mind...yet After a few moments I dragged myself to the window, looked out, and was amazed again by what I saw, or rather, what I didn't see instead. I DIDN"T see the wicked witch, I didn't see Jack the Ripper in drag, I didn't see an old werewolf, and I certainly didn't hear a mouth scream words that would have given Attila the Hun nightmares talking to the police. No, instead I saw Mrs. Claus, old Mother Hubbard, everyone's grandma, every child's sweet "Granny" speaking to the officers, telling them how wonderful it was that they had stopped by to help her, and how wonderful it was to have someone there to protect everyone, and she had just made some cookies and coffee and she was sure there was enough extra to go around. Would they like some? She smiled the most beautiful smile at them as they nodded their heads so hard that I thought they would fall off. Off she raced for the house to get the coffee and cookies, and I just sat in the car thinking. 'I'm dead.. I am so dead.. They're not going to believe me.. They're not going to disappoint " Grandma". I am so dead" The two officers got into the front seat, waved happily at who I now knew as Mrs. Maddoterrma. The cop who had lifted me up (who I now knew as "Freddy') turned around and handed me a cookie, but I was too busy worrying to bite into it right then. "You ok? Do we need to take you to the hospital?" I thought about it for a few seconds, wondering if I could make a break for it while we were at the hospital, but decided against it.. I was in no shape to run anywhere yet. I told them not to bother

Officer Freddy still looked at me with concern. "You sure? What did she hit you with? I mean, I know you must hurt like hell downstairs, but what did she try to hit you with? The broom? The newspaper? A bucket of water? God, I hope it wasn't the rake again..last week she attacked a gang member who walked across her grass with the rake last week and you wouldn't believe the blood.. The rake alone would have been enough, but the guy had piercings all over and a lot of them were tore out. Made me sick just looking at him.." "Wait.. You KNOW she actually attacked me?" 'Mrs Mad-Dog ? Sure..Crazy as a loon..thinks everyone's trying to get her, steal from her, or spy on her. Most of the time she's harmless as long as you don't go near her place. I feel sorry for any traveling salesmen that dare to come near her front door" "Yeah, she thought I was going to steal her Gnome. Said she was tired of people stealing them.." "Nobody stole them.." "Huh?" Freddy sighed sadly "She uses them as weapons.. She throws them.. and since they're all plaster they break into peaces. And a half hour later she's calling us screaming about Gnome thieves. The piles of plaster are still there when we come, but for some reason she doesn't see them anymore.." 'Freddy, forgive me, but she's nuts! And she's a danger.. She really ought to be put away..." 'I agree, I agree.. But the mayor doesn't.." 'But "She was his nursemaid..' 'Oh.. 'Besides, we like coming up here..' 'Why?" 'Eat your cookie.." I picked up the cookie, but continued "Look Freddy, she may seem like a nice lady when- JESUS S. CHRIST!!!! WHAT THE HELL???? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS???? Freddy just grinned at me as I stared at the cookie. I took another bite, gladly. A million pleasures and sweet dreams in chocolate screamed in my mouth. I couldn't believe it. I wish so much i could describe the pleasure that cookie gave me, but i can't.. there are no such words ever thought of.. I stared at Freddy in disbelief. Freddy laughed a little laugh and explained "Her family have been bakers for 300 years in some little place in Russia. The family was so good that some people say that Hitler invaded Russia just to get the bakery.." 'Freddy, I'm an historian, and I can tell you right now I have NO problem with THAT idea.." 'You think you have no problem with that, wait until you have a sip of the coffee" 'Coffee..? Oh no.. you don't mean..' 'Yep.. we don't have to lie anymore".. He passed the cup of coffee thru the small grill hole and with one sip the world had turned upside down..the lie had ended. . To those of you that are brave enough to admit that you don't like coffee, you have to understand that the "Good cup of Coffee" is a total evil myth, enforced by one of the greatest conspiracies in History. James being Mary, the Freemasons and a dozen others controlling the world, Jessica Simpson's dumb act, are NOTHING, nothing, compared to the great hidden secret we coffee drinkers do each day when we have that coffee with other people We'll sit there, take a sip of that hot brew, then prey to God that no one has noticed the awful face we've made as that foul, bitter, acidic liquid goes down our throat, searing our taste buds, turning our poor stomachs into a foul waste land. And then what will we do? We'll drain it all down, look at our fellow humans and liars and proudly proclaim "Damn! That's great cup of Coffee!' and hope to God that we won't throw up doing so. Why? Why on earth do we do such a stupid thing? Being brave under Peer Pressure is part of it, as well as the great " I can take it" attitude. It's no different than taking that first drink of whiskey, wine, moonshine, taking a big gulp , and then, as the stuff is burning a hole in you and you're preying like a priest in a boy's school that you won't cry, you'll open your mouth and go "Ahhhhh! Smoothhh!" Everyone watching you knows you're lying, you know they know you're lying, but it isn't

going to take you down.. You're tough, you-can-take-it, huh-uh, huh-uh, huh uh... So we do the same with wine, cigarettes, and Auntie Donna's baked claim chowder casserole, yum yum (and little do we know that Dear Auntie has a ton of stocks invested in Tums) But..but.. while I can't speak for wine and such, coffee is a bit different..coffee gives us hope. We take those beautiful dark brown beans, ground them up and noting with delight the smell as we do so, we heat the water and serve that wonderful smelling brew and we tell ourselves "This time it'll be different.. THIS time it'll actually taste as good as it smells. This time I got it right..I know it, I know it.." But, it doesn't.. and we try so hard not to cry.. Once again, we've fallen for that terrible lie..( We feel terrible and foolish. It doesn't help that we try to pass on the lie. If we do so, we can sometimes look like such fools.. Just yesterday I had caught the "little one ' sneaking a sip of a cup of coffee I had left on the floor. At the first foul taste she made a face at me that said " Idiot"' and ran back up the stairs and disappeared. But here it was. The TRUE coffee, the REAL coffee.. The coffee that all us poor souls had waited for for over 1500 years. I had found it! Indiana Jones eat your Heart out; you may have found the Holy Grail, but THIS is the stuff that should have been in it when you found it. And I was drinking it.. I looked at Freddy in total shock. He smiled and said "You like?" "LIKE?? Good lord man! The word "LIKE' has nothing to do with what I feel right now! Good God, take me back! Take-me-back! I don't care if she wants to hit me with the broom! Hell, I'll hand her the damn rake to use if she wants! I don't care! I don't care! PLEASE!! One cup is not enough, and I'm already down it halfway! Have a heart!!!" Freddy sighed and shook his head. "No, I'm sorry, but no. I'm doing this because I HAVE a heart. You're a first timer, and you might do anything to get coffee and her chocolate cookies. Chances are that you might hold her hostage or something. Then I'd have to come and shoot you or something." I was about to say something like 'ridiculous! but my mouth was on the cookie, and even before I took that bite I knew he was right. I nodded my head sadly. Then an odd question came to me.. "I'm a little confused though.. I can understand the cookies, how she would know how to make good ones. You say her family's been making them for 300 years, so I can imagine her growing up in the bakery and gaining all her knowledge.. But where did she learn to make this wonderful coffee? Does anyone know?" For some reason Freddy sighed again and stayed silent. He sneaked a look at his partner 'Jonnie' who was driving. Johnnie was a tall good looking thin woman who looked like she wanted to look like an Amazon, but didn't want to work at it without make-up. She had been silent the whole time, but now spoke 'I know.." 'Oh 'c'mon Jonnie.. that's nonsense!" Freddy turned back to face me. "Don't listen to her.. she's just repeating what her Mom told her once. Nonsense" 'Well, she ought to know.. She and "Mad-dog" grew-up together in the same village in Russia. They were great friends until she caused the man they both loved to marry her, instead of my mom.." I was confused, but something..something.. was starting to form in my mind. Something unbelievable, but something that made a dark form of sense.. "You..you..don't mean..' I tried to ask slowly.. Jonnie slowed down the car, pulled over to the curb. stopped the car, then turned around and faced me..

"Yep.. She's a witch.." A little under 5 mins later I found myself on the street corner, about a mile away from the cable company, watching Freddy and Jonnie racing off back towards Mrs. Mad-dogs place. I wasn't under arrest or anything and I was closer towards my goal, so I guess i was better off than before..before meeting Mrs. mad-dog that is. My new "friends had been happy to take me to the cable company, but right after dropping her bombshell Jonnie had turned to Freddy and said "We don't have time to take him all the way. It's 330". I stared with a start "330?? Oh my God!" She looked up at me 'You know what that means?" 'Yeah.. My friend George listens to police radio all the time and knows the codes' I scanned the horizon looking for any sign of smoke. "So where'd the explosion happen? I missed the radio message. Anybody hurt?" Freddy laughed" There might be if we don't get back to "mad-dog" 'There was an explosion THERE?!! " It was odd.. half of me reacted with a terrible fear, but the other felt a quick evil joy, and I prayed that the blast hadn't happen anywhere near the kitchen.. Freddy laughed again 'No, no explosion yet, but there might be one later. The TIME is 3:30. That's when the postman comes to her house.. She thinks he works for the North Koreans and reads all her mail. We have to get there and make sure he'll be ok" 'oh.." 'Besides.. "he said with a grin "she told us earlier that she was going to make lemon snaps later" " I do hope that as an officer of the law that you don't take this serious, but you do know you're an evil evil bastard, right?" " Yeah yeah, I know.. Mom always did have a little trouble remembering things.. Oh, that reminds me.. here" Next thing I knew I was holding the Gnome that had caused so much trouble before. "She was going to throw it away. Said it was 'dirty" now. That didn't seem right, and since you seemed interested in it, I thought what the hell and asked for it. Consider it ' damage payment" And with that, he and Jonnie waved good-bye and drove off as I stared at the gnome in my hands. " Well fella , I whispered as I stared at it " by all rights most people would say I have the right to make you into a pile of dust.. you caused me a lot of pain..' Did the eyes just widen like in fear? Or was that just that cloud floating overhead and causing shadows? I smiled and patted the top of the Gnomes head 'Well that's alright, you had no choice. If Jonnie's mom is right, ( and I'll admit it makes a bit of disturbing sense) she most likely ordered you to trip me. Poor guy.. Well you're safe now.." Suddenly the sun came out from behind the clouds and the new shadows made the Gnomes smile look much bigger. "Yep, I'm going to take you home. There's someone there who's going to LOVE you. She always complains that she's the smallest one there.. Not anymore.. She's going to love dancing with you.." I put the Gnome, who I had decided to name "Tripp" into the backpack with the cable box. And began to walk again. A mile to go.. At least there shouldn't be too many problems in that distance.. Of course, I didn't know yet about the 3 bandits, the Golem , and the Leprechaun's trick yet..