Aigheeeeee

Sang-Duk Seo Period 8 Dr. Bowman The Nonexistence of Reality, The Reality of Conciousness “Aigheeeeee!!!” cried Ting Ting’s mom. “Wha kind fry rice is that you eating Ting! That smell bad. Throw away, now! Now!!!” Ting, who was calmly eating his Panda Express meal, looked up slowly from his newspaper, his head first tilting up, his eyes following. “It’s Panda Express mother.” She sensed a feeling of disdain and quickly took her chopsticks and whacked him on the head. Munching on a twinkie now, Ting Ting was beginning to get angry. “Mom, stop whacking me.” With that, he pulled out a ferocious looking yard stick, taped a TI-84+ Silver Edition graphing calculator to one side of the stick, and raised it high into the air. “For Spaarrrtttaa!!!” he cried and swung the makeshift club down towards his mother’s head. Suddenly, something hit his head. Someone snickered. Ting opened his eyes, to his surprise. It had all been a dream apparently. Weird dream, he thought. Crouton, Ting’s arch-rival, had been snickering. Grinning widely he exclaimed, “Yo that was some fucked up shit you was doing just now homeboy. Hook me up with some of that joint dawg!” Ting knew he was sleeping but didn’t know what he had been doing while asleep. Crouton was making a huge deal out of the whole situation. Raising his eyebrows, Ting awkwardly bent over to pick up a pencil that had rolled off his desk to Crouton’s.

Crouton abruptly kicked his leg out, knocking away Ting’s outreached arm. Ting looked up with surprise and saw Crouton’s face. With glazed eyes and downturned lips, Crouton asked Ting, “Do you know what you was doing dawg? That was dope yo.” Ting frowned and asked Crouton, “What happened to me?” Crouton ran his tongue over his parched lips. Smacking them loudly, he explained, “You were swinging your arm around and around like a ferris wheel. You stood up, and held your calculator in the air about to swing it down. Then you opened your eyes and threw your arms down in an arc. And then you woke up.” Ting was afraid. Crouton’s mouth tasted like vegetables. Why was he on the floor? He stood up straight and stared. He was in his room. In front of him was his computer. It was a Saturday apparently. There was a half-eaten cucumber on the table. And out of the corner of his eye, Crouton noticed Ting. He was standing still, his jaw on the floor and looking at Crouton as if he had gone insane. “Dawg stop copying me wigga. Don’t be acting like you didn’t do da same type of shit at school.” Crouton was bluffing and Ting knew it. Seconds ago Ting and Crouton were happily eating a healthy dose of cucumbers when Crouton fell asleep. Several seconds had passed before Crouton jerkily kicked his leg, knocking the cucumber in Ting’s hand out. “Crou, what the hell have you been smoking lately? We finished that last batch of coke way back when.”

Crouton raised his eyebrows and asked, “First of all, what the fuck are you doing in my room? And second, since when the fuck did we talk to each other like we were homies or something? And third, why the fuck was you looking at me like that?” Ting once again gave Crouton a look of shock. “We’ve been friends since forever dude, what is the matter with you? We were in here eating cucumbers and playing video games. And I looked at you funny because you were doing crazy stuff while you were napping, like moving your leg randomly back and forth like some kind of fucked up spastic chicken injected with straight up zombie blood or something, and then standing up and waving your arms. Explain that to me before cussing the fuck out of me fucker.” Crouton became angry. Picking up a black rod from a broken broom, he smashed it against Ting Ting’s little bowl-cut head. As the stick began its path in an arc, Ting thought that he saw something glimmering. Ting Ting never saw it coming. Crouton’s stomach dropped like a rock hurled into a dry well. He was scared. Ting’s resting head slipped off of his hand and he opened his eyes. His calculator was gleaming in the sunlight. Mrs. Mortsdliw was using it as a mirror to reflect the light into his eyes. “I’m sorry Mrs. Mortsdliw, I won’t fall asleep again.” Crouton looked like the devil. Eyes narrowed and grinning wickedly, he felt like the devil as well. Crouton had always hated Ting Ting. The smart asian kid in school, Ting always earned good grades without trying. Crouton on the other hand was the ghetto black kid in the

school, the one destined for failure. Now, he saw that Ting was actually just a crazed lunatic. He blurted out loud, “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !!!” Ting whipped his head around and drove his eyes into Crouton’s. He said, “There’s nothing to laugh at here dumbshit. Go take drugs or something. Why don’t you go “hustle” or “flow”.” Ting snickered incessantly. The rest of the class followed in suit, making small giggles and snickers at the lonely dumb kid named after a salad condiment. Crouton replied in angst, “At least I can see my drugs and bling you narrow-eyed bowl cut turdface.” The class fell silent. The hatred between the two was very evident, like a stream of energy pouring out at each other. Crouton slowly rolled his eyes up at Ting. He asked, “Do you know what you were doing Ting? Your head randomly jerked to the side and then you grabbed your crotch with your hand and howled.” Ting recoiled into his seat and shrank down. “Wha-a-aat? No I didn’t.” Reasserting himself, he stood up in defiance. “There’s no way I, Ting Ping Ting of the last lineage of the Long Dong family acted so irrationally.” Mrs. Mortsdliw interrupted and said, “-Well actually Ting Ting, you did. Sit down and do your math Ting. Now Ting. NOW!” Completely owned by his math teacher, Ting crawled back to his seat and hung his head in shame. A single drop of water fell from his eyes, hitting the table with an inaudible thud.

Crouton smiled inwardly in victory. He pumped his fist into the air and laughed out loud once again. “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!” Crouton needed to go to the bathroom badly. Luckily it was only 20 yards to his left. Wait, what? Crouton guessed he had been napping or something. He padded down to the bathroom only to find it locked. He knocked. “One second, I need to wash the screen of my calculator dude.” Crouton stiffened visibly and staggered back, hitting the wall opposite to the door. He exclaimed, “What the hell is worm shit like you doing here?!” Inside the bathroom, Ting Ting gasped at the insult and frowned like an angry monkey. The light in the room was too bright. Before he answered Crouton however, he was getting hungry. “Aigheeeeee!!!” Ting Ting looked up in surprise. It was his mother. She was yelling at him to stop eating the bad smelling rice. He announced to no one in particular, “Wow, I think I just experienced a déjà vu.” Intuitively knowing what was coming, he told his mom quickly in reassurance, “Don’t worry mom, I’ll throw it away. It’s all good in the neighborhood.”