A Friend Of Mine

CSI: NEW YORK FICTION. SMACKED (STELLA BONASERA AND MAC TAYLOR SHIPPERS). RATED T (CONTAINS CONTENT NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN) A FRIEND OF MINE By rubble-rouge08 (or chaostheory from Talk.CSIFiles.com) (November, 2006)

Romance/Angst

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters of CSI: New York.

Table Of Contents

TABLE OF CONTENTS CHAPTER 1 .....................................................................................................................4 CHAPTER 2 ..................................................................................................................... 7 CHAPTER 3 .....................................................................................................................9 CHAPTER 4....................................................................................................................11 CHAPTER 5 ................................................................................................................... 15 CHAPTER 6................................................................................................................... 18 CHAPTER 7 ...................................................................................................................20 CHAPTER 8...................................................................................................................22 CHAPTER 9...................................................................................................................23 CHAPTER 10 .................................................................................................................26 CHAPTER 11..................................................................................................................28 CHAPTER 12 .................................................................................................................30 CHAPTER 13 .................................................................................................................32 CHAPTER 14 .................................................................................................................34 CHAPTER 15 .................................................................................................................36 CHAPTER 16 .................................................................................................................39 CHAPTER 17 ................................................................................................................. 41 CHAPTER 18 .................................................................................................................44 CHAPTER 19 .................................................................................................................46 CHAPTER 20.................................................................................................................49 CHAPTER 21 .................................................................................................................52 CHAPTER 22................................................................................................................. 55 CHAPTER 23.................................................................................................................58 CHAPTER 24................................................................................................................. 61 CHAPTER 25 .................................................................................................................63 EPILOGUE .................................................................................................................... 67

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Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1 I’ve known you for so long You are a friend of mine But is this all we’d ever be? Like a million nights before, the whole team (including Don) was having an after-shift drink at Sullivan’s. All of us are having beer and Lindsey bought a pizza from John's Pizzeria. Normally, we would just poke fun at the stupidity of the perps we cross out everyday or just plain old catching up with each other. Ever since we lost Aiden, we made it a point to spend time with each other as much as we can outside the lab. Life is too short to throw away on meaningless things and activities. Friends are too important to take for granted. But you know, sometimes I feel that I am taken for granted. By someone I consider my best friend, no less. Well, he doesn’t really ignore the friendship I’m giving him… he’s ignoring my love. “I don’t know what it is with you women,” CSI Danny Messer babbled on after a swig of his drink. “First, you don’t want to be apart from us men. Then, all of a sudden, you want a miles-worth of space.” Shaking his head, he continued with a mouthful of pizza, “I mean, we’re not some yoyos you can play with, you know.” “Well, Mr. New York boy,” Lindsey Monroe replied, “You should understand that we women just need enough space to breathe. When we say we need space, we don’t mean the distance between Manhattan and Bozeman.” “She got you there, Danny,” I say clinking my beer mug at Lindsey. Mac was silent through the whole thing. But not long after, he spoke up, “I understand what you mean. But it depends on the experience of the person. I mean, Peyton…” And I didn’t hear the rest of it. When I heard her name, everything went in slow motion. Peyton… Dr. Peyton Driscoll – the ME from upstate who transferred some months ago to our unit – Mac’s… bubble-rouge08 – A Friend Of Mine

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Chapter 1

“She would call me in the middle of the night only to ignore me the day after,” he continued. “Then when I start giving her the space she asks, instead of upping the calls, heck she keeps her space as well.” The whole team is listening. Mac has that effect on all of us. As usual, I disappear – nobody ever cared about how I feel. Except… “Am I right, Stella?” his face is a breath away from mine. I draw back a bit with a chuckle, “I’m the wrong person to ask, Mac. Like you said, it depends on the experience of the guy. The same with us women.” “Touché,” Sheldon said from beside Lindsey. I’ve loved you ever since You are a friend of mine And babe is this all we ever could be? We talked some more after that. For some reason, we were digging up our past love life experiences. Can you believe that? It’s like going back to high school. Personally, I didn’t have anything juicy to share. I avoided every question and for the rarest time, Stella Bonasera kept her mouth shut. The kids called it a night, leaving Mac and me alone in the booth with our usual steaming mugs of Irish coffee. It’s my favorite parts of these kind of days – when I can be alone with Mac; there he shows his true colors… with me. But I guess this day is different. “You’re quiet today,” he said. “Want to talk about it?” “Huh? What, I can’t be quiet, Taylor?” I joked. “It’s nothing, really. All these talks about love lives and relationships still make me uneasy. Reminds me of how a loser I am.” “Stop that, Stella,” he abruptly said. Oh here we go with his stern tone again. “Stella, listen to me. You can move on from Frankie. You’re the strongest woman I know; don’t let someone like him bring you down. Look at me, I moved on…”

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Chapter 1

With Peyton, I wanted to add but I managed to hold back. “I’m happy now. No matter how long it took, that is what’s important – I have my happiness back. Thank you for being with me during those times.” My head was racing, processing his last sentence, “Are you implying that you don’t need me anymore?” I said to myself. I couldn’t look at Mac in the eye after that. “Stella, I want you to be happy… as I am,” he said slowly. I could just smile. “I’m happy for you, Mac. I really am.” But inside, it hurts. It hurts because I’m not the one causing that happiness. “I’m glad you’re my friend, Stella Bonasera.” And that’s all we ever could be.

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Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2 You tell me things I’ve never known I shown you love you’ve never shown He offered to share a cab. I was silent again and this time, he was, too. The cab driver was singing to himself; that was the only sound in the vehicle. I was tapping the leather we are sitting on when Mac grabs my hand and says, “It means a lot to me, Stella, that you’re happy for me. Thank you.” And he doesn’t let go until I had to get out of the car. Mac was about to follow me in when I made the decision to stop him. “Mac, you don’t have to. I’m a big girl. I can go in on my own this time.” He nodded in understanding. “Bye, see you tomorrow.” And I turned and counted the 66 steps to my 3rd floor apartment. CSINYCSINYCSINYCSINYCSINYCSINY Peyton and I had a fight this morning. She just blew up on me all of a sudden over a little misinterpretation and she stormed off. She even told me not to pick her up after work and forget about our dinner tonight. Now I know what Danny was talking about a week ago. Our relationship has been going on for about a year but we haven’t really displayed it – at least around the lab. That is something I am not ready for… yet. I arrived at the lab late and a bit lost. I want to get this out of my system, off my chest. I looked around and everybody’s busy – Danny’s with the A/V technician clearing up videos, Lindsey’s working with Sheldon on the double homicide. Well, I guess I should think this out alone; I’ve said it myself, I’m not ready to have the whole lab knowing what’s going on with Peyton and I. When we transferred offices/labs, I got the one in the middle of the floor, encased in clear glass. It’s useful though, lots of writing space since they forgot to provide me a white board. But what I don’t like about it, I don’t have privacy – heck, it’s not even soundproof. Danny would sometime bang on the furniture when he’s frustrated. Stella

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has the tendency to scream when we’re arguing. She’ll be all over the walking space with her motor mouth and even faster wit. She’d have me quiet standing in one corner in no time. My desk is my favorite part of this room. Specifically, the pictures on it. Claire – the love of my life. I’ve moved on, but my love for her would never change. I sometimes hear her laugh when I’m all alone – I know she’s happy for me. Then there’s Peyton. I’ve worked with her before and there’s some chemistry between us. More so in a more intimate level. On our first date, she wanted me to take her around Ground Zero. Apart from Stella, she’s the only person I have confided my feelings with. We have been together ever since. Their framed pictures sit on top on my table beside each other. The special women in my life.

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Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3 But then again, when you cry I’m always at your side The evidence in front of me is not making any sense. I can see Flack talking, his lips are moving, but I can’t hear what he’s saying. Focus, Stella! Do your frickin’ job. “Stella? Stella!” I finally hear Flack say. “You in ‘er?” “Yeah, Don, I am…” I trail off shuffling the papers in a messy pile. “I ah… these boot prints are… I’ll be searching for them in AFIS.” Flack laughs out loud. “Stella, hang on. I’m no CSI but I know you don’t search boot prints in AFIS.” I could feel my cheeks heat up. He sits me down and he does the same opposite you. “You feelin’ okay?” I give up faking at last and shake my head no. “Miss someone?” How did he know? I stare up at him with tears brimming in my eyes. “Yes,” I manage to choke out. “Mac?” he whispers putting his large hand on your shoulder. Right there, the tears started to fall. Don lets your head drop on his shoulder and you start sobbing. “I know. You guys rarely talk anymore these passed few days. What’s the matter?” I raised my head to answer when the door of the print lab open and I heard someone say, “Stella, are you okay?” then a warm hand started going up and down my back, soothing me. It wasn’t Don’s. It was Mac’s. “I’ll take it from here, Don, thank you,” I hear him say then the door closes. I felt him sit beside me, taming my wild curls to see my face. “Talk to me, Stella.” I began sobbing loudly, almost missing the last part of his sentence, “Please.” Mac lifted my chin up and wiped away my tears. I manage to sit up straight and collect myself. “Mac… I’m…I’m alright.”

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Chapter 3

“No you’re not. You’re crying,” he retorted. “I’m listening.” Why is it always like this? Stella Bonasera, why do you open up so willingly and so easily to the man beside you? Even if the reason why you’re crying is him. “I… well, I … miss…” I just can’t tell him. A piercing ringing broke the deafening silence. “Excuse me… Taylor.” I slumped against the layout table and tried to piece together what I was trying to say. Would I say ‘I miss you; do you want to have dinner at my place tonight’ or ‘I miss our conversations; maybe we can have coffee after shift’? Either way, I would probably end up looking like a desperate ex-girlfriend. Just when I was running through my ‘script’ in my head, her name escaped his lips. “I know, Peyton. It’s okay,” he said loud enough for me to hear. “Yes, yes… I’ll pick you up later at your place. Around 7:30 maybe? No, I haven’t cancelled the dinner reservations. And yes, it’s your favorite – four-course French.” Okay, so anything after shift, let alone at my place is out of the window. “Okay, I’ll see you. Bye.” And then he clicked off. He faced me again as he pocketed his phone. “Sorry about that. You were saying?” I managed a little smile. “Forget about it, Mac. You … uh, just enjoy your night.” I turned away from him as tears threatened to fall once more. “I’ll just get these to Adam and I’ll be on my way.” But I could feel he wasn’t buying it; the look in his eyes said so. “Don’t worry about me,” I smile placing my palm against his cheek and I left.

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Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4 I’ve known you all my life You are a friend of mine I know this is how it’s gonna be I’ve loved you then and I love you still You’re a friend of mine Now, I know friends are all we ever could be My apartment was never the same after the Frankie incident – or more appropriately: after I killed Frankie. When crime scene clean up was finally through with it, I stripped off all the wall paper and sold all the artwork on the walls then bought new ones. I even got a new bed and tub. I didn’t have a single picture of a human being in this house, not even my picture. When I think about it, it makes me sad. I’ve been to dozens of shrinks since that happened but somehow, I’m not the same Stella. I feel like a functioning shell; I feel emptier now that I have no one to confide to. Whenever I feel lonely, my first impulse is to call Mac and talk about it with him. Sometimes, he offers to go over here and make sure I sleep. But I can’t do that tonight, right – knowing that he’s having a nice high-class dinner with Peyton. Peyton. I’ve worked with her in a number of cases, often the ones with Mac. We’re civil and we don’t talk outside the lab or off the case. I don’t talk to her, she doesn’t talk to me. One time, Mac left us in a room – his office – together just to see if we’d warm up to each other. I mean, she’s a nice person but my defense mechanism isn’t letting her in. I guess the fact that she’s with Mac and I’m still feeling the need to ‘protect’ him from harm contradicts everything. The fact is… I just don’t trust her that much. Especially not with Mac Taylor. Argh! I need to stop talking and thinking about him. Like he said, he’s happy and he has his own life now. Now, Bonasera – get yours!

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Chapter 4

The thought of French cuisine and four courses reminded me of how hungry I am. I totally skipped lunch to pursue a lead and the what little dinner I had is now gone since an eight-block run burns calories even after the chase is over. Delivery in this part of town is at a snail’s pace so I braved peeking in my fridge finding only a few bottles of water, a carton of milk and a few strawberries I fancied buying two days ago. In my cupboards… corn flakes. Geez, considering that the grocery shop is just in front of my building. Oh well, taking my bowl of corn flakes, milk and slices of strawberries, I curl up in front of the TV and happen to catch Apollo 13. Oh how I wish the smart men I meet are as hot as these actors. Come to think of it, the people I work with are pretty easy on the eyes. Right when I was nursing my second bowl of cereal (for dinner, no less), someone knocked on my door. I didn’t have to peek into the peephole because he identified himself right away. “It’s me,” Mac said. What in the hell is he doing here? Dinner’s finished already? But it’s only 9pm. I let him in and he was holding a brown paper bag. “Mac, what’s that? Left-overs?” I was half joking. “Very funny, Stella,” he joked back, placing the bag on my kitchen counter and getting a plate for it. He is certainly not shy. “No, this is chicken carbonara with angel hair pasta and mushroom. I figured that you’d have your usual takeouts or cereal,” he said pointing to the bowl in my hand, “since I’m at a restaurant already, I got you something.” I sat on one of the bar stools and watched him plate the food. “So this is kind of like ‘sharing the blessing’?” I said with a smirk. It’s a new side of Mac Taylor – very domestic. “And why didn’t you get me French food?” “Because… I may have had four courses tonight but servings were so small, I had to stop by McDonalds for a cheeseburger on my way here.”

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Chapter 4

“Gives me new meaning for ‘Big Mac’ then,” I laughed. He pushed the plate to me and he poured us some milk. “You sure aren’t shy.” “Remember, Stella, I processed your place for five hours. I know where everything is,” he winked as I felt all blood leaving my face. Then he burst out laughing. “Just eat. Finish that up, okay?” I look down at the contents of the plate; strings of angel hair pasta in white sauce and mushroom and bits of chicken. Looks tasty but the only problem is, Mac served me enough pasta to feed two people. “Mac, are you implying that I eat like a man?” I eye him feigning hurt. I start eating, not waiting for his witty retort. He sat down beside me and said, “Yes and I find that cute.” I don’t know why I didn’t have whiplash after he said that. “What did you say?” I chokingly asked. Apparently, he was surprised, too by his own comment. But he brushed it off by saying, “Nothing. Just gobble it all up. We’ll just store the left-over in your fridge.” We. “Meaning, you and me?” I pushed after swallowing a forkful. Boy, this is good food. He sighed. Oh yeah, now I’m annoying him. “Yes… you and me, Stella. You find the Tupperware and I’ll put it in the fridge. Works for you?” It’s childish, I know. After I finished half of what he gave me, he helped clean up and over strawberries we finally had the chance to talk again. “So how was the ‘date’, Mac?” I asked out of the blue. Uh-oh, Stella… He studied the strawberry in his hand and said without looking at me, “I’m a gentleman, Stella. I don’t kiss and tell.” I could sense in the tone of his voice that he wasn’t amused that I asked. “We do our own business, right?” Well, that put me in my place. He’s in his ‘boss’ mode. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.” I stood up to put the fruits back in my fridge and get a drink of water to calm bubble-rouge08 – A Friend Of Mine

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Chapter 4

my nerves. I wasn’t sure whether I’m hurt or offended by his demeanor. “You’re right, it’s none of my business. What do you want to talk about?” Mac softened up a bit and said, “Stell, that’s not what I meant.” What did he mean then? “What Peyton and I do is between the two of us. It’s not for office gossip.” Oh-kay, that pierced me through the heart. Tears began to build up in my eyes. He has a point though. And you know what they say… the truth hurts. “I get it, Mac. I totally get it and I’m sorry I even thought of asking. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s been a very long day for all of us and I’m tired. You know the way outside and kindly lock the door on your way out.” I made my way to my room but before closing the door, I choked out, “Good night, Mac.” As soon as my body collided with my bed, tears began pouring down like rain. Sleep never got to me that night so I went out of my room, finding a note on my fridge door with Mac’s handwriting on it: Stella, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it to come out that way. It’s just that Peyton and I are having a rough patch and I apologize for bringing it out on you. I know you meant well – you always do. Stella, you’re my best friend. I hope you understand. Mac. Best friends. That’s all we’ll ever be, I guess.

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Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5 You tell me things I’ve never known I shown you love you’ve never shown But then again, when you cry I’m always at your side The next day would be a bit awkward for Stella and I. I waited for her outside the lab hoping for a chance to talk to her. She’s a bit late today, which is rare. I could call her up, just to check if she’s on her way over here. I could still see how upset she was last night. Just when I was about to dial her number (which I have memorized by heart), a hand lands gently on my shoulder. “So that’s why you’re not answering your office phone.” It’s Peyton. Smiling, she continued, “Are you waiting for me, Mac? Well, I’m here now and we can go to the lab together. I have to give these results to Stella.” My ears could be fooling me but it almost sounded that she spat out Stella’s name. “Is she in already?” “Uh no, not yet.” She enters the elevator with me and holds my hand. I started to pull back, “Peyton…” “Shh… Just for this moment, Mac. We’re all alone,” she whispered. “One of these days, they’ll find out about us eventually.” We’re lucky that we are able to keep this down for the mean time. It’s inevitable that my team would hear about it first. Lindsey felt something was up and asked me about it. She swore no one would know about it from her. And nobody did. Everything came from me. All of them were shocked – especially Danny – but they were all happy for me… for us. I don’t know but getting Stella’s stamp of approval felt like a rock was shoved off my chest. I never liked hiding anything from her since she was always open to me. I figured that if I poured my heart out to her when I lost Claire, she would be okay with it if I share my newfound romance with her. But somehow, it took me almost six months to

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Chapter 5

talk to her about it. I was afraid that she wouldn’t listen, afraid that she would think that it’s none of her business. In a way it was, yet, she’s my best friend. When all else fail, she’s my rock to lean on to as I am to her. The elevator doors open as Peyton inched away from me. We walk together to my office and she sets the case file on my already cluttered desk. She picks up Claire’s picture and says, “She must be really special. After all these years, her picture is still here.” Peyton set it back down and picked up the next frame… her picture. “Oh Mac. You see me everyday and still you have my photo here? I’m touched.” I smiled at her. When she was about to lean in for a kiss, Lindsey barged in my office. “Mac, there you are! The DA’s pressuring the whole lab on those results. We’re the only ones working on that case and I cannot do this alone, Mac. I thought you said that you can’t afford either of us to be late then you…” she stopped her babbling when her eyes fell on the other person in the room. “Oh Dr. Driscoll. I’m sorry to disturb you.” “No worries, Miss Monroe,” Peyton smiled, walking over to the CSI. “You’re just doing your job. And Mac here is in fact late, for a change. I’ll be on my way then. Bye.” Then she was out. Lindsey approached my table and crossed her arms, “I thought you said no romance in the office?” I shrugged. It wasn’t me who made the advance. “Anyway, have you seen Stella? Don and Danny are looking for her everywhere and she’s not answering her phone.” “What? She’s not answering her phone?” just when I said that, my office phone rang. “Taylor… where the hell are you?” It was Stella “What do you mean you’re calling in sick?” It was taking everything in me not to yell at her. “What’s the matter with you?” I could her that she’s sobbing a bit. “I’m not feeling well today, Mac. I’m very sorry. Kindly tell Danny and Sheldon that they can continue on without me. Danny can be the lead CSI on this.” She ended her sentence with a definite sob.

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All my plans to scold and yell at her flew out the window when I heard her sob. Right then and there, I felt the need to console her; be on her side. “Where are you exactly, Stella? Wait for me there.” I saw Lindsey roll her eyes. “No, Mac. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry about me,” she said with her voice shaking. “I just need to take a break… alone,” she continued. “You just go on with what you’re doing and I’ll be back to work tomorrow. Bye.” “Bye, Stell and take care of yourself,” I said as she hung up. I sat down and sighed. I almost forgot that Lindsey’s still in my office. “Knowing you, Mac – I know that regardless of what Stella tells you, you would still do what you think is proper.” True. In other times, I would be hailing a cab or taking the department car to her apartment armed with bags of take-out and beers. But I know she’ll have my head if I contradict her now. A bad mood Stella is worse than a pack of wild wolves. “No Lindsey, let’s go back to work,” I firmly say following her out to Ballistics.

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Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6 You tell me ’bout the love you’ve had I listen very eagerly That night, I couldn’t take it anymore. As soon as I clocked out, my feet took me to her apartment complex. From the parking lot, I can see that no one’s in her apartment as of now since the lights are out. Or she might be sleeping – Stella could sleep up to 13hours after a double shift. I decided to give her a ring in case she’s in. After three tries and just getting the machine, I gave up. Just when I was about to go, somebody walked up behind me. “You don’t like the message on my machine, Mac?” a female voice said. “It’s in Greek. It says that I’m not around to take your call so leave me your name and number. It’s a twist on that old answering machine staple.” Stella was carrying three grocery bags in her arms and a smile on her face. “Let me help you with that, Stell,” I offered, taking two bags from her. She mumbled her thanks. “I bought you some Japanese food, by the way. I know how toxic you sometimes get in the kitchen.” She swatted my arm jokingly as we made our way to her apartment. Settling the bags down and locking her door, she said, “I guess I don’t need to tell you to make yourself at home then.” I made myself comfortable on her couch and watched her organize her groceries in her fridge and pantry. After a few minutes, she handed me a bottle of beer and flopped down beside me. “So what brought you over here? And don’t give me the ‘I’m just checking up on you’ drama. That’s so yesterday.” I chuckled. Stella’s straightforward like that. “If that’s the case then maybe I’m stuck in the past.” We laughed together. It’s been a while since we’ve done that. I like the way her laugh strikes my ears and makes her eyes sparkle. “Look, Stella… about last night, I…” Her hand gestured me to stop. “You don’t have to explain and/or apologize for that.” She shuffled close enough to hold my hand and continued, “I’m your best friend. Of bubble-rouge08 – A Friend Of Mine

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course I understand. And besides, it’s not my concern what happens between you and Peyton.” Unlike the woman she just mentioned, Stella didn’t say her name in a disdainful tone. “That’s between you and her. I’m happy to see you happy, Mac. You know that.” Yeah, I do. And that means a lot. Her smile was genuine. The hand on my hand was firm and comforting. Stella’s happy for me. “Thank you, Stella. You’re a great friend.”

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Chapter 7

CHAPTER 7 But deep inside you’ll never see This feeling of emptiness It makes me feel sad As hard as it is, I have accepted that it was all we could be. Friends. Maybe it’s a sign that it’s finally okay for me to find my own romance. Sometimes I fall into the conclusion that I couldn’t get a decent man because I want that guy to be like Mac Taylor. I get stuck in the illusion that every man is like him – gentle, understanding, caring, professional and believe it or not…funny. Not to mention, smart. I didn’t grow up with a father or any brothers. In fact, I haven’t had a man in my life until my first boyfriend back in high school. Awkwardness and immaturity combined equals disaster. I never really knew how to act around the opposite sex my entire life. To me, they’re like untouchable alien life forms that I cannot understand. Every time I venture into a relationship, I end up getting hurt and bloody. The last one I had – take ‘hurt and bloody’ literally. But enough talk about my love life for it is currently non-existent. Back at work, everything is back to normal. Danny’s in is bouts of whining and intelligent loudness with Flack ready to calm him down. Sheldon is piling up the solved cases under his name and nudging for a promotion. Lindsey and I are spending more female co-worker bonding time together lately. As for Mac and Peyton, I think they’re ready to make it public. She has been spending more time in the lab, delivering results and staying for an hour or so; bringing tea and scones during break time. Lindsey said it’s like warming up to your boyfriend’s parents. Come to think of it, she’s right. Peyton’s making a move to get closer to the team… except to me. I thought it would be hard to face Mac after everything that has happened. But I was wrong. I felt lighter and actually more comfortable around him now that I have decided that we’re just friends. Even at the thought of those words don’t hurt so much anymore. Sure there’s that pang in my heart at the loss of all the ‘could’ve been’ scenarios but I think this is for the best. We laugh more, joke almost all the time.

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Chapter 7

It was an unspoken rule around that lab that if we see them together, we keep our mouths shut. Don’t ask, don’t tell. One time, Peyton and I were alone in the ladies room. She didn’t even acknowledge me when I picked the sink beside hers. Clearly, she was a bit hostile towards me … like I was with her before. So I made the first move, “Hey Dr. Driscoll.” “Oh Peyton’s fine,” she said in her English accent. “Good day to you, Stella.” She went over to the tissue dispenser and grabbed a fistful. A discomfited silence wrapped around us. The tension was so thick that you can cut it with a knife. I walked over to her hoping to spark a friendly conversation or anything even resembling that. “So how are you liking working with us so far? I hope we’re not causing you headaches. Some of us can be demanding at times,” I say with a little chuckle. She wasn’t responding. Instead, she was shredding the paper towel in her hands. Her lower lip was trembling. “Peyton, are you alright? Do you want me to call Mac?” I was about to get my phone out when… Smack!

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Chapter 8

CHAPTER 8 Smack! Her hand made contact with my right cheek. The bitch just slapped me! I was out of sorts for a few seconds then she said, “You stay away from Mac. Too long have I watch how you look at him, how you talk to him. Get this through your head, Miss Bonasera,” she spat, “Mac will never be yours. He never was. So don’t give me that overprotective mother hen demeanor and stay the hell away from him. Don’t make me warn you again.” I told myself not to fight back but I just couldn’t. I’ve dealt with this back in high school with childish fights over prom dates – what made her think I wouldn’t answer back now. “Listen, Peyton, I don’t know where you got that idea but I am not – I repeat, not after Mac in any way. He’s one of my best friends and as friends we are close. Close enough to share jokes, stories and even secrets. You don’t know what he went through before you came along and if you did, you would understand why I was that way to him.” “Oh so you’re taking this personally,” she said with her hands on her hips, eyes glaring. “If you’re such an integral part of his life then why is he with me and not you? Admit it, Bonasera – you’re no good for him. All you can do is look on and drool. Then guess what, be my guest and drool.” It took all my self-control not to pull her hair out. But the urge to slap her back was stronger. I might be emotionally fragile but I’m a determined person and I don’t like being stepped on. In the silence of the ladies room, a resounding slap was heard… this time, it was from me to her. Like a little child, she ran out sobbing. I don’t care if she tells Mac about this or if she files charges. She could yell it to the whole world, for all I care. I walk out of the ladies room in silence, tears streaming down my face.

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Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9 Peyton came running in my office crying. “That woman Stella just slapped me, Mac,” she said against my chest. Everybody passing by my office paused and stared. I don’t care what they think now. “Mac, she slapped me. Do something!” I wrap my arms tighter around Peyton. She was sobbing violently which meant whatever happened between her and Stella was serious. Just then, the woman in question walked passed my office and around the corner to the locker room. For some reason, my blood began to boil. I couldn’t believe she could sink that low. “Okay, you stay here and I’ll go talk to her,” I said giving her a kiss and sat her down on the couch. I went out with several eyes following me. But I couldn’t see a thing; everything is a blur. I was burning inside, very mad. Everything is a fiery red blur… until I saw a head of wild curls. Stella was sitting on the bench staring at her open locker. She heard my footsteps coming near her. She said, “Whatever she said to you, Mac… she started it…” I wasn’t hearing any of it. “What the hell are you thinking, Bonasera?” I almost yelled. “Lifting a hand to a coworker? What has Peyton done to you to make you do that?” “Well, Mac, like I said she started it. I just stood up for myself when it was proper,” she was cool as can be. “It is never proper to hit anyone regardless,” I firmly said. “There is not one reason to hit anyone.” She visibly shrunk when I almost shouted my last sentence. “You should tell that to your little prima donna,” she said barely enough for me to hear. “Do not place the blame on her! Have you forgotten who hit who, Detective Bonasera? Or should I remind you? All she wanted to do was to make friends with you on the team

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Chapter 9

and this is how you respond to that?” without thinking, I grabbed her elbow and pulled her to stand up. There were tearstains on her eyes but no emotion in them. “Then file charges; I don’t care,” she yanked her arm away from my grasp. “I grew up with no father, no mother, no siblings… not even real friends. I learned to stand up for myself because no one ever took my side!” Her shoulders were shaking, trying to stifle sobs. “Before you could ask me how I could sink so low…” she sat back down and continued in a whisper, “I’ve already sunk.” Then sobs took over her body. At that moment, she was looking very fragile. All my anger towards her flew out the window. I wanted to hug her and apologize but someone beat me to it. Lindsey shouldered her way to Stella and encased her in a big hug and tried to sooth her. Something in what Stella said stuck to me. Not even real friends. It was like a bucket of cold water was dumped over my head. That’s not true. “Stella, I …” my voice was about to fail me. “I’m your friend…” I managed to whisper. From her sobs and Lindsey’s embrace, she said, “If this is how you treat a friend, then you’ve just lost one.” It was like a blow to the chest. Even Lindsey was shocked. “Stell, you’re not saying that. You’re not…” Stella began another bout of sobs. I was about to walk to her when Lindsey gave me the look saying, “Just go, Mac.” The walk back to my office seemed like forever. I felt eyes burning as I walked past them. Danny had his glasses off, scratching the bridge of his nose. Flack was beside him, with his hands in his coat pockets. Sheldon was standing beside my office doors, unsure of what to say. Only Peyton was smiling after the whole ordeal. She was sitting on my office chair with a Cheshire grin on her face. When I entered, she flung herself against me and thanked me for all I’m worth. I didn’t hear anything… just a constant replay of ‘you’ve just lost one’ over and over in my head.

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I lost my best friend. I lost Stella. All because of this woman in my arms.

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Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10 I’ve loved you then and I love you still You’re a friend of mine I took the whole day off. I couldn’t face Mac or any of our co-workers after that whole episode. On my way out, everybody was asking me was I all right or they would just say that all would be okay soon. And who said there are no good New Yorkers? I avoided Mac’s office on my way to the elevator. I literally took the fire exit to the floor below and took the elevator on my way to the parking lot. My mind was swimming with random thoughts, anything that could keep me from thinking about what just happened. I need to get my frustrations out. Maybe I should take a page out of Danny’s book. Prattle everything out to any random person I see, complete with hand gestures and walking around like crazy. One problem, Danny has Flack to talk to. My version of that just lost me… or I lost him. I don’t really know now. Did I lose him or did he lose me? Or did be both lose each other? A fresh batch of tears threatened to escape my eyes. Yes, I lost the only person that mattered in my life, made me feel that I was important to somebody. Now… I’m purposeless again. He found what he was looking for – and he chose her over me. Who am I fooling? Mac saw me as a friend and nothing more. It’s me who saw him as more than that yet our friendship came first. I realize it too late that I was alone in that plight. All she wanted to do was to make friends with you on the team and this is how you respond to that? He made such a brash judgment about me – the first time he did so. What happened to “everybody has a side and we need to hear it”? Obviously, he didn’t want to hear my side. Is that what ‘love’ does to you: make you forget the other people around you in favor of your significant other? I haven’t been in love – real love – so how should I know?

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Chapter 10

But wait… I have been in love. Hopelessly in love with such an insensitive man. Heck, I love that insensitive man. And his name is Mac “everything is connected” Taylor. Well, we’re not connected anymore. Or are we? I arrived home that night to an empty apartment. I stripped it of every little thing that reminded me of Frankie: all the artwork, new wall treatment, splurged on new carpets and a new bed. All that remained were the memories. A nun back at the orphanage told us once that you keep pictures of people you love because you can’t be with them all the time. Maybe that’s why my mantle is decorated with different candid pictures of Lindsey, Sheldon, Donnie, Danny, even Aiden, Sid, Jane… and Mac. A lot of pictures of Mac. And most of them are with me – his arm around my shoulders. I recently put these pictures up because it felt a bit lonely. Oh don’t tell me that I must take all of his pictures away also. No, removing them from my house is a little drastic for a little episode like that. I’m sure we’ll get over it, him faster than I could, as always. But then again, that doesn’t make it any less painful. Can we still mend the tear between us? Can we salvage whatever’s left in our so-called ‘friendship’? Even if I was the one who technically ‘broke it off’, I hope that things will get back to normal. Bonasera, stop it! You’re going to cry again…

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Chapter 11

CHAPTER 11 But then again I’m glad Back at work, it was pretty obvious that Mac wants space away from me. He would pair me up with everyone except himself or give me a truckload of solo cases. Not that I’m complaining, I mean, I need my space too. Since our blow up, Peyton would prance around with her chin up, almost like claiming the lab as her territory. She would still bring a little something for Mac and the rest of the team. She would personally bring her lab results to us. We’ve worked on a case or two and all conversations were purely professional. I couldn’t even look at her in the eye. But she would loom above me and speak in a very matter-of-factly tone every time she’s discussing even the most mundane things with me. One more thing… she addresses me with my last name. “So Bonasera, your victim was killed with a stab to the heart…literally. And as I was told, also figuratively. Boyfriend dumped her for another woman, one of his co-supervisors and then she goes berserk. She then charges over to the new girl’s house and instead of hair pulling, woman two stabbed woman one. Pity one has to result to such violence.” “Well, it seems as if you know the case more than I do,” I spat. I could read between the lines. I’m not deaf, much less stupid. “What else do you want to impart to me, Dr. Driscoll?” I look at her straight in the eye and she glared back. Silence. “If that’s all, I’ll be on my way then. After all, I am the investigator. Nothing should get passed me, right?” On my way out, she said, “Every perpetrator should pay for what she did.” “Oh yes, Dr. Driscoll,” I wheeled around. “But you see, the man also has a fault in this. He didn’t see how much the victim loved him – even ready to sacrifice her life for him. He didn’t know how lucky he is until it was too late.” “Are you trying to say something, Bonasera?” she firmly said.

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“No. Just imparting a little psychology,” I smiled. “After all, I deal with the living. I’ve seen a lot of thing besides a roomful of corpses.” I didn’t want any more trouble so I left then and there. I could almost see it now… Peyton pulling out her phone and tattling over to Mac what just happened. She can talk all she wants; none of us cares anyway. Just then, the man in question walks past me. No eye contact, no touches, and no verbal acknowledgements – just air between us. Both of our heads were down. I was just at the threshold of the parking garage when… Cliffhanger yet again. What will happen? Hmm… suggestions and speculations open, people.

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Chapter 12

CHAPTER 12

“Stella,” he called out. I’ll be lying if I say that that didn’t feel good. He was jogging towards me. “Wait up. Uh… could you take care of this?” he said handing me another brown case folder. “Lindsey has a court date and Danny’s neck-deep in paperwork. She needs the results from Sid and she won’t be back until after shift. Sheldon’s in the lab with me and…you’re the only one I trust with this.” He’s babbling. It’s cute. “Mac, Mac – it’s okay,” I chuckled. “I’ll take over from here. No problem. Let’s go?” I place my hand on his shoulder like I always do. He smiles. It’s a genuine smile. Yeah, now I know we’re okay. We go back to the morgue; ever the gentleman, Mac opened the door for me. Peyton was opening up another body beside my victim. When she saw Mac, her face lit up. I didn’t see how he reacted to that because I went straight to Sid, giving a skull a bath. Good thing, his slab is far away enough from the two ‘lovebirds’ but close enough to somewhat hear what they were talking about. It’s not that I want to eavesdrop; I just want to hear if she would say anything to Mac about what happened between us a little while ago. “I hear they’re on a rough patch,” Sid said snapping me out of my reverie. I look at him with one eyebrow up. He proceeded to explain to me what happened to Lindsey’s vic with a few segues about his co-ME and my fellow CSI. “So… rough… patch?” I finally say regarding their ‘relationship’. Office gossip is always juicy especially when you feign to process evidence while talking about it. “Yes, but it’s nothing that a nice dinner couldn’t fix,” he said clipping on his very cool glasses. Then he fell silent. “Or maybe not.”

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I lift my head to their direction and it looked like they were having a heated conversation. Over what, I couldn’t exactly hear. Sid and I decided to block it out as he finished with his report. Normally, I would barge on over there and break them apart, probably take one of them to the side and have a talk. It’s hard not to, but I have to stay put. “That’s all you got to say!” we heard Peyton almost scream. Sid and the other employees in the morgue looked at the couple, Peyton as red as a beet and Mac as cool as ever. “Mac, I’m tired of this!” then she pushed him on the chest. That’s it, I’m coming over. Although Sid tried to stop me, I just couldn’t hold it in. “Hey Mac, Peyton – stop it!” I said, wedging myself between them. “Mac, come on… we’re going.” He nodded and briskly walked on outside. Peyton huffed and yelled out, “When are you going to be proud that we’re together, huh? You want out? Then, fine!” What I said to her a while ago came back to me: didn’t see how much the he loved her. I couldn’t just let that pass. When I was pretty sure that Mac was out of earshot I faced her and firmly said, “No, Peyton. He is very proud. You better start seeing that because you don’t know how lucky you are.” I left her there with her jaw dropping.

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Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13 No, Peyton. He is very proud. You better start seeing that because you don’t know how lucky you are. Stella just said that. I faintly heard it through the door. It stopped me dead on my tracks. She didn’t just say that. After what I have done to her, she defended me. I look behind me and there was Stella trying to collect herself. She’s leaning against the wall and counting her breaths. She does that to calm her nerves. Her face had an angry expression but when she lifted her head up to me, she was smiling. I couldn’t help but smile back. “Are you okay?” we both say at the same time. None of us answered – we just laughed. I took the cab to the ME’s office so I hitch a ride with Stella back to the lab. Things are still a bit stiff between us so it was very awkward sharing the car with her. I offered to sit at the back but she cluttered it up with her kits and other stuff. When Stella drives, no one eats. That means she doesn’t stop to have a burger or a hotdog from the deli or kiosks. Flack and Aiden are not fond of that since they tend to eat every time they go out to get something or someone. Flack still doesn’t like it. But knowing Stella, she just wants to get stuff done right away – no side trips and stopovers. She also has a tendency to change radio stations after every song. By the time we get to the lab, she would’ve breezed through all the available stations in New York City. Traffic was pretty heavy that day. It didn’t help that the air around us is very tense. Stella being silent worries me. When I would try to spark up a conversation, she would end it with one answer. She doesn’t even look at me. At the last traffic light before we reach the lab, I placed my hand over hers on the steering wheel, and said loud enough for her to hear, “Thank you… for defending me back there.” She finally looked at me with those big eyes of hers. “You know how she can be.” bubble-rouge08 – A Friend Of Mine

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“Are you thanking me for not blowing up and hitting her again?” she chuckled. But I was serious. “And that, too.” The look in her eyes told me that she didn’t expect me to be this serious even after her supposed joke. “Stella, you could’ve pulled her hair out for all I know but you didn’t. You didn’t even raise your voice.” She heaved a sigh. “Well, Mac… I did what you would’ve done had I been in the same situation. Don’t worry about it.” She placed her warm – and shaking – hand on my left cheek and smiled. “That’s what partners do.” Partners. Would I have done the same? Wouldn’t I yell and scream at the person who’s bugging her until I’m blue in the face? Wouldn’t I beat that person up senseless? Or would I talk it out calmly as she did? I don’t know, not sure. When the light turned green, I grabbed the hand on my cheek and said, “That’s what friends do, Stella.”

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Chapter 14

CHAPTER 14 That same day, Peyton went over to the lab with some cookies from the corner bakeshop. And she went over to apologize. “Mac, I thought about what Stella said,” she started. Hmm… ‘Stella’ – she called her by her first name. “And I realized that I was overacting. I mean, I’m sure everyone here knows about us more or less. And deep in my heart, I know and I can feel that you’re proud of us and what we have.” “Peyton, where are you getting at?” I sigh. From the corner of my eye, I can see Stella looking at us then she looked away and went on with her work. Though, I didn’t miss the look on her face… something I can’t put my finger on. “What I’m trying to say is, Mac… I’m sorry for what I said this afternoon,” she said, taking my hands in hers. “I wasn’t thinking. And I was a bit irritated before you came in.” Wait, before I came in, she was working on Stella’s case. What happened this time? Peyton kept on explaining herself and yes, what happened between her and Bonasera (we’re back to that again) this afternoon. It was nothing serious, just an exchange of words in different contexts. But somehow, it got hard for me to be believe that she did nothing wrong, that Stella was the wrong one. Ever since our car ride to the lab, I couldn’t shake Stella away from my mind. Her working in the lab in front of my office isn’t helping either. It’s funny how a series of events brought our friendship to the brink of falling apart. The distance between us now is lessened to an arm’s reach and yet, everything about her remains an enigma. What does that look mean? What is she holding back from me? Does she have anything to say to me? What’s beneath that tone she had a while ago? One thing is for sure, we are friends again. Maybe not best friends but I’ll take that over days and weeks of not talking. In a way, I missed her. We do see each other everyday but it wasn’t the same as hanging out after shift or talking out a problem or a case. I can’t just disregard what happened in the locker room some weeks ago. Sure, I

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apologized – but the damage is already done. Still, I hope things could have some semblance of the way we used to be. “So you see, Mac,” Peyton continued on, “I want this – us – to work. I’m willing to do whatever you want me to do, I want you to be happy with me. Because you deserve it, Mac.” Because you deserve it. That’s something like what Stella would say. She would smile ear-to-ear and say that while holding my hand. Maybe, I do deserve it; but to what expense? Stella pulled me back to my feet after all that’s happened – she deserves happiness as much as I do. But why are you thinking about Stella when your girlfriend is near kneeling in front of you? “Peyton, I…” actually, I don’t know what to say. Or what I want. Who I want. “Me, too. I want this to work between us.” Her face lit up and she smiled. “Let’s give this one more shot, should we? No more secrets, no more hiding.” I stood up and then she hugged me tight. I hugged back. It’s true that I’m happy where I am. Someone who loves me, someone I love. This is what Claire would’ve wanted. This is what Stella wanted me to have.

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Chapter 15

CHAPTER 15 As the weeks went on, Peyton has made a conscious effort to be friendly to Stella. Something in what she told her stuck and Peyton now feels differently towards her. The same with Stella. She’s back to her old self – back to inviting the whole team for dinner or a drink at Sullivan’s or in her home. She even tells me to take Peyton with me. When she does attend these little parties, she would be good with everybody, talking, laughing even with Stella. It seems that they have patched things up between them Whatever happens, Stella’s my favorite partner in crime. We bring out the best in each other, may it be in solving a case or in a screaming match over whose hypothesis is more valid. Peyton is getting to that level yet, we’re still settling into this ‘renewed relationship’. You tell me ’bout the love you’ve had I listen very eagerly “Stella?” Peyton called me from my apartment. “Did I wake you? I’m sorry.” “No, I’m about to get up anyway,” I answered. It was my day-off and I don’t have anything planned for the day. “What’s up?” I could hear some music playing in the background at her end. “Well, I was just wondering if we can eat lunch together. I know this great new place near your apartment. My treat.” Sometimes she reminds me of an old friend in high school. “Please…” We’ve been in good terms for months now. No more glares, double meaning statements, and animosity. They’re happy, I’m happy. Life is simpler this way. “Sure, meet me at my apartment’s lobby at around 11? Is that good?” “Works for me,” she said. “Thank you. I have to go now. Mac would want these results right away. Bye now and see you later.”

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Chapter 15

“Likewise,” and we both clicked off. Although I am friends with Peyton, I see no reason for her to invite me out to lunch today… or any day at that. And she seemed pretty excited during that phone call. That side of her, I’m not used to. I like to be on time so, I went down to my building’s lobby extra early only to find that she’s already there. As happy as her voice sounded a while ago, that’s how troubled her face looked from where I was standing. She finally spotted me and said hi. The new place she was talking about was Dao Ming Chow. It’s a new Chinese cuisine restaurant a few blocks from my apartment complex. Food’s great at a reasonable price. But that wasn’t the reason why Peyton invited me over here. “Stella, I… sort of need your… counsel… on this,” she stammered as our steamed dumplings arrived. “I don’t know how exactly to say this.” “Peyton, if you need to talk – you could’ve just told me over the phone,” I smiled. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to her personally. “You could’ve saved yourself the trouble.” “No, it’s okay. I’ve been meaning to do this,” she referred to the lunch treat, “ever since that thing in my office. And… I can’t talk about it over the phone; I don’t want Mac and the others hearing about this.” Weird. Something she doesn’t want Mac to know about. “So, what is it?” She was physically shaking. “Are you okay?” “Stella, I would understand if after this you would think me insensitive. But I don’t know where else to turn to.” She sighed and looked at me straight in the eye. “Mac means a lot to me. And I don’t want to lose him again. I almost did because of my own stupidity but thanks to you, we managed to stay put. Something in what you said to me that day stuck.”

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I almost choked on my pork dim sum. I don’t know if I would be offended or flattered. “Peyton,” I said, stopping her babbling, “what are you suggesting?” My mind was swimming. It was either I stay or stay away from Mac. Her hand moved so fast to gesture ‘no’ that she toppled over her teacup. She didn’t even wait to clean up when she said, “No, I didn’t mean it to come out that way, Stella. I’m sorry. What I am trying to say is… I need your help… concerning Mac.” Oh-kay. What now?

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Chapter 16

CHAPTER 16 But deep inside you never see This feeling of emptiness that makes me feel sad Peyton’s trying. But I’m not. I still couldn’t shake off what Stella said some months back. It’s not her exact words… but the tone of her voice that bothers me. It was somewhere between sadness and defeat. But from what? Because of whom? I would look at her now and sure she’s smiling, we would talk; still that look is there and the tone sometimes returns. Believe it or not, I’ve talked to Danny about this. When it’s matters concerning Stella, I usually keep to myself. But this time, I’m afraid that this is having an effect on me, on her – on our relationship. Who knew Danny has a good head on his shoulders? When I approached him with my problem on the way back to the lab from a crime scene, spoken like a true man, he said, “If something’s goin’ on between you two, you’d better talk to her about it pronto. I mean, as much as you talk to others about it, we wouldn’t be much of a help. We have no idea what is going on, like it’s any of our business. For all I know, you’re all fine and dandy. But as you said, if you feel’s something is off – talk to Stella. If there is indeed stuff to be taken care of, she’ll know what you’re talking about. She’ll know what to do.” “Danny, I can’t tell you how thankful I am for that,” I said to myself. And come to think of it, he’s right. It’s helpful to get this off my chest but this isn’t the solution to my problem. I’m trying to understand Peyton more and more everyday. Why is she like this or what does she like for special occasions… those kinds of things. By this time, I thought I should’ve known already but in the early stages of our relationship, I was a bit reluctant to open up. I let her give and give without me reciprocating. I guess I was never used to that. Ever since my late wife, I have refused to be vulnerable at the expense of potential romantic relationships. But Peyton stayed, no matter how difficult I am; that told me that she’s worth the shot. bubble-rouge08 – A Friend Of Mine

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Lately, she has been inviting me to have dinner at her place more. All of a sudden, she wanted to cook for me. Sometimes I would offer to buy something from a restaurant (often my favorite dishes) but lo and behold, she knows what they are. One time, she called me up, “Mac sweetie,” I always cringe when she calls me with terms of endearment but what can I do, “dinner again tonight at my place.” “Peyton, we just had dinner there last night. Take a rest, it’s been a long shift for you,” I try to beg off but she’s persistent as always. But I’m not in the mood. “I have some things to settle before the day ends. I hope you understand.” “Is everything all right, Mac?” she said, obvious concern in her voice. “We can talk, it’s okay with me.” “Yeah, nothing big,” I answered. “No need, thank you. See you tomorrow.” Then we both hung up. I do have to eat dinner and right now, I want to spend it with another woman. Stella.

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Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17 I called her up a little while earlier before she went to her second crime scene; invited her for dinner at Chef D’Angelo. When I told her the place, she was a bit taken aback. It is sort of a high-end place but casual enough for a talk. When I arrived, she was already seated and a glass of red wine was waiting for me. But there’s another chair and glass at our table. “Hey, Mac,” she said smiling. “I took the liberty of ordering you red wine. I’m not sure what Peyton would want so I’ll leave you to that decision.” I sat down and gave her a look. “Where’s Peyton?” Silence. I hope she gets the point that it’s just the two of us for tonight. “She’s not coming, is she?” I shook my head. “Is it because I’m here?” I shook my head again, taking a drink. “What, lost your voice or something?” “No,” I laughed, “she’s not coming because she’s not invited.” Her eyebrow shot up. “What? If this is any way making you uncomfortable, just…” I tried to finish but she’s just too fast with her mouth. “Uncomfortable, hell yes,” she said raising her voice without making a scene. “What do you want Peyton to think? What if someone we know spots us here? News travels fast especially in people’s dirty minds.” She made a move to stand up after dropping some bills on the table. “Stella, wait,” I go after her after instructing the waiter to hold our orders and reserve the table. “Hey, wait up. Let me explain.” She stopped beside a streetlight and faced me. “What now? Why are you here when you can have a perfect dinner with your girlfriend?” Uh-oh, there’s that tone again. I grabbed her shoulders so she would face me. “What’s wrong with having dinner with a friend?” I almost yell at her. I have no idea why she’s acting like this. “Stella, what’s the matter with you? Is it a crime to want to spend time with you?” That shut her up. Her big eyes met mine and she managed a small smile. If it weren’t for the streetlight, she would’ve hidden her obvious blush. “Sorry,” she whispered. bubble-rouge08 – A Friend Of Mine

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“Stell, don’t take this the wrong way but… I really miss spending time with you. Ever since Peyton and I…” I saw her look away. “I have to ask – are you okay?” She escaped the nakedness of the light as she turned her back against me. “Of course, I am,” she squeaked. I know her well enough that she was trying to mask a sob. She then faced me and repeated her words with more confidence, “Of course, I am!” We went back inside and had our dinner. It was still early (for the both of us) so she invited me for coffee in her apartment. Coffee became beer. And our friendly conversation took a dramatic turn. I counted the empty beer bottles on the table and floor. Seven. But I know I only took two for myself. Stella had five and her pink cheeks and slurred words proved it. It might look bad, but I took a shot. “So anyway… are you seeing someone?” I carefully asked as she opened her sixth bottle. It took a lot not to stop her. “Me? Shheeing someone?” she said raising her bottle. “Nah… no time… not in the mood.” She placed the bottle on the floor before she continued, “Besides, no one out there is like him.” I froze. “Like who, Stella?” Frankie? “Like a friend that I have,” she said sheepishly. Flack? Danny? Boy, even when drunk, Stella’s hard to read. “He’s my good friend for a long time. I think he’s going to get married,” her eyes began to water. So that’s why. But I almost missed her last word, “Again.” Hang on, going to get married again? Her shoulders were shaking as she spoke, “I’ve known him for a long time and he doesn’t even have a clue that I exist. Oh no, what am I saying? Of course he does! He calls me ‘Stella’ or ‘Stell’. Only called me ‘Bonasera’ once.” I was getting a bit uncomfortable. Stella was confessing something personal without her knowing it.

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“Stell, stop,” I start but what she said next surprised me. “See what I mean?!” she exclaimed. “Stell.” Tears ran freely from her eyes now and she was sobbing. “But he’s happy now. He’s with someone who – I hope, loves him. He deserves it. Deserves her.” She buried her head on the armrest but continued in a muffled voice. “And it hurts me.” She sat up straight again and cried out, “It hurts like hell! Why is it so hard to see him happy?” The she was a wreck. I put my arms around her and she held on for dear life. I barely noticed my own tears escaping my eyes. It was pretty clear whom she was talking about. Me. I was – I am hurting her. And I didn’t know. We stayed like that for what it seemed forever. She quieted down and sat up. She looked worse than a few moments ago. “I guess…” she started, sounding a bit sober, “I guess you should leave now, Mac.” I couldn’t contest when she walked to the door and opened it. I put on my coat. Her face was to the floor so I lifted her chin up. She was falling apart again; I saw this before. And I don’t like it. I want my happy Stella back. So before I left, I placed a chaste kiss on her forehead. As soon as the door closed, the cold gloom embraced me. I know that I feel lonelier than anyone is in this city.

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CHAPTER 18 I have no idea why I approached Stella about that a few weeks ago. I mean, she’s the most helpful about it, she was fairly open to talking to me about him, and well… she’s the best choice. Stella knows Mac better than the entire lab combined. And to be honest, it irks me so much that she does. I’m not blind; I could see how they look at each other. They have a certain understanding that only the two of them could feel. Chances are, they don’t think it exists – but other people could indeed see it. Call me paranoid, but I can actually feel it. I guess that’s the reason why it was hard for me to warm up to her. Her ‘relationship’ with Mac, whatever that is, is so strong. I get pretty jealous over it. When I would ask Mac about it, he would brush if off – saying it’s nothing, just friendship, “nothing to get green-eyed over”. And if that wasn’t enough, he has been talking about her a lot lately. He has been working with her more – I don’t know, maybe because they’re partners or something. I shudder sometimes when I see them walk in my office, smiling and laughing at something they’re talking about. Then switch on to professional mode when they face me. It makes one feel like an outsider, to be frank. When I got the nerve to call Stella for lunch, I really wasn’t sure if that’s a good idea or not. It’s like going behind someone’s back. Yeah, exactly like that. It was too late for cold feet because I already picked the place and was telling her the time we’ll be meeting. Call it… premeditated. At first, she almost took it the wrong way. No, I’m not driving her away from Mac; I don’t think that’s humanly possible. I hope I don’t rub her the wrong way when I ask this of her. “I need your help… concerning Mac,” I slowly say. I could tell she was slightly taken aback. And I don’t blame her; but I don’t have any other choice. “Call it cheating the test but I…”

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Stella placed her chopsticks down and cut me off, “Need to know more about him in order to be closer to him? Is that it?” I smiled. So, it’s not just Mac’s mind she can read. “I can understand if you don’t want to help me,” I started. “After all, he’s your…” Her what, Peyton? Before I could say anything else, she was smiling. “It’s okay, Peyton,” she said. “I understand how you must be feeling.” She does? “I mean, Mac’s a real keeper. But he’s also a tough guy… on the outside. He’s softie on the inside, just so you know.” She had that far away look in her eyes whilst she was saying this to me. She proceeded on telling me stuff about Mac – his favorite dishes, movies, topics of discussion; those mundane things – with that same lost look. To tell you the truth, I felt a wee bit bad – asking her these things, acting that way towards her – all the while sensing what she felt for him. Because hey, I’m a woman, too. Stella kept on fiddling with of the chopsticks and kept talking. Something in me wanted to stop her. It looked like she was going to burst out in tears anytime. When she was talking about how Mac is very protective of his lab, especially of his team, she did burst out crying. I was right. Stella does have something for Mac. Innocently enough, going into this, I never thought I’d prove myself right. Now, I feel really bad. As I tried to comfort her and apologize, she brushed me off and said, “It’s not your fault, Peyton. And I don’t blame you for falling for him. You’re such a lucky lady that he fell for you.” I had to bite my lip. Yes, now I know how lucky I am. She took my hand in hers and whispered, “I’m asking you this as his friend – please, don’t hurt him. Okay?” Okay, Stella. I won’t.

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CHAPTER 19 And babe is this all we ever could be? Hangovers suck. Deliberately getting myself drunk as hell sucks. But getting drunk in front of Mac as a façade to tell him how I really feel… is a bitch. I sat up on my bed, dressed in my work clothes from yesterday, smelling of beer and… I know what that scent is, I just needed to double-check. Mac’s cologne. He never puts it on when he’s on the clock. Yet, I know this from a mile away because I gave this to him. Last night was patches to me, as much as I would like to recall what happened. It will be very weird today at work. What did I say? What did I do? I remember opening beer bottles and downing them. I could remember opening the door to Mac and he… My hand flew to my forehead. Tears began to fall once more. He kissed me. Memories came flooding back to me. I remember now, I told him… I told him that it hurts. My heart wrenches whenever I see him happy because of Peyton. Because before, it was me who puts those rare smiles on his face. Still, I will myself to be happy for him. I’m sick of telling myself that; everyday it’s getting harder and harder to do so. Because as the days pass, the reality sets in. He’s happy with somebody else. Peyton asking me about him doesn’t help the situation. And I don’t know what came over me… I actually helped her out; told her what Mac likes and his passions. I guess, like a mother checking if everything’s in order with his son’s activities – that’s me being protective of my friend. There is no use in moping around here nursing a broken heart. And they’ll expect me at work in about an hour so I took a quick batch, ate a piece of toast and a glass of milk and went out. It’s raining cats and dogs today. Maybe the skies are crying with me. I get to the lab in one piece, only to find Mac waiting for me in the building’s lobby. Gee…I never

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expected this ‘conversation’ to be this early. But every step I take, takes me closer to the one man I plan to avoid today. He was wearing his stern face now. I know that we’ll have this ‘conversation’ right here, right now. As I approached, he held the elevator doors open and waited for me to go inside. I guess not now. The ride to the 35th floor to our lab is a particularly quiet one. It was just the two of us in the car; no one else went on. He was looking straight ahead, breathing evenly – a stark contrast to my near-erratic breathing. I feel like a teenager in trouble, awaiting a scolding from her father. I walk with him to his office where he opens the door for me again. Sitting down on one of his office chairs, I start the impending ‘conversation’. “Mac, whatever I said last night, I didn’t mean it,” I lied. “What can you expect from a drunk me?” I tried to laugh but it came out sounding like a whine. He remained silent as he rifled through the notes on his table. At the moment, I waited for his reply but… “Stella, I want you to work with Sheldon on this one. Flack’s already waiting on the scene,” he said, handing me a folder as if he didn’t hear what I just said. “That’s it?” I almost scream incredulously. That’s it? “Yeah, that’s it,” he simply replied. “New Yorkers tend to stay inside when it’s raining.” What does that supposed to mean? I stand up forcefully and march out of his office. Apparently, he’s avoiding ‘the conversation’ too. It’s like this for a week… and then another… until it became a whole month. The only times Mac talks to me are when he’s assigning me a case or evaluating my case files. Every after shift, he goes on a date with Peyton. He makes it a point that I see that they’re together holding hands as they walk away. Mac never meets my gaze but Peyton’s apologetic smile explains everything.

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I would be lying if I say it doesn’t hurt as much. It does. Danny’s starting to notice that things between Mac and I aren’t the same as before. Then I find out that Mac confided in him about his ‘problem’. Our problem – whatever that is. Peyton continues to talk to me, taking pointers about Mac. But every time she calls, she sounds more and more contrite about it. There are times she buys me expensive stuff maybe to make up for what she’s doing. I appreciate them but that doesn’t make me feel any better. I don’t know why I keep on meeting up with her. I guess that’s the only legitimate personal connection I have with Mac. If someone can make him happy because I told that someone how to, that’s fine by me. Martyr, I know. I guess when you love someone enough, you’re willing to do the craziest things.

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CHAPTER 20 This feeling of emptiness that makes me feel sad So, does it makes me happy that I deliberately hurt her? Do I take pride at the fact that my co-workers tell me that she’s crying in the locker room or when she hailed a cab to go home? Am I happy that we never talk anymore? No. How can I be? If she feels bad, imagine how it makes me feel. I make her feel bad. I don’t know why I’m doing it. Maybe I’m getting back at her for… not telling me how she feels. I want to see if I can make Stella crack… no, that’s too selfish an act. But either way, this hurts me more than it hurts her. I thought I can ignore her for at least six months but something came up that I wasn’t expecting. And simply… I can’t hold out on her that long. One afternoon, I was looking for the right opportunity to talk to he, to honestly ask her out. Yet, I couldn’t. So what I did was I bought some flowers from Sheridan Florists International, daisies – Stella’s favorite, to be sent to her office early the next morning. I made sure that I come in late. I don’t want to see her throw the flowers away if she doesn’t like them. Of course, the florists insist that I attach a message, which I did. I was never the romantic kind, but after I relayed my message to the operator on the other line, she was almost in tears (or that’s what she told me). Stella would always be special to me, no matter what. I love her – yes, love her more than a friend; we’re way over that. I don’t know what exactly she is to me, my best friend or my partner. But this I know, Stella’s my rock. She kept me together when I lost my wife. She made sure I’m safe always. I cannot count how many times she saved my life, defended me. I’m eternally grateful for her for it. ‘Losing’ her this way – losing her at all makes my heart break. CSINYCSINYCSINYCSINYCSINYCSINY

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A huge basket of daisies are sitting on my table this morning at work. The female lab staff, including Lindsey was asking me about it. As soon as I got off the elevator, Lindsey was all smiles and asking if I have a new boyfriend. “What are you saying, Lindsey?” I replied. “Well, you do have two dozen daisies on your desk today,” she smiled. “A secret admirer will start with roses.” We rounded the corner and I saw it: twenty-four daisies of different colors in a white basket. There’s a note on top of the bunch. Lindsey followed me in my office, with that same wide smile waiting for me to read the note: I know how much you love daisies. I hope they make you smile today. I love to see you smile. See you at work today… smiling. Love, Mac. “It’s from Mac, isn’t it?” Lindsey whispered excitedly. The lab techs were discreetly eavesdropping outside. “Oh I knew it!” She touched some of the flowers and continued, “There’s a romantic inside that shell after all. Ah, love.” “Oh Lindsey,” I laughed. “Stop acting like a lovesick teenager.” She’s right – there is another side of Mac that they haven’t seen. I’m lucky to have seen it a couple of times but never being the receiving end of it. This is something new. “I will if you stop smiling… which I know you won’t,” she said. “All you need is the horse and you’ll have a knight in shining armor.” “We’re friends, Lindsey,” I sighed, sitting down and rereading the note. She’s right again, how can I stop smiling? Geez, am I losing my touch? I’m getting easier and easier to read. “Emphasis on friends.” She turned to leave. “Yeah, yeah, whatever,” she said. Danny’s rubbing off her. I stopped and admired the flowers. Twenty-four… the most anyone has given me. It feels good – something to definitely smile about today.

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Just when I thought I have the space alone to myself, someone walks in. Before I could look behind me, “Like them?” Mac said. He was leaning on the door’s hinges with a huge smile on his face. My grin was as big as ever that I couldn’t talk. “I take that smile as a yes then.” I don’t care if half of the lab is watching us inconspicuously; I leapt into his arms and gave him a huge hug. “Thanks, Mac. So much!” I said; my voice muffled by his shoulder. I felt his arms encircle my waist as he said in my hair, “So we’re good?” “Yeah, we are,” I happily replied. I kept the flowers beside my books where I could always see them. Mac got his wish; I was practically smiling the whole day. And it seemed to have a contagious effect on everybody. It was a good day at the lab. Everybody was happy for us. Little did we know that there was one person in the lab who wasn’t amused. She saw us.

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CHAPTER 21 I’ve loved you ever since I don’t know why, but every time it’s Mac’s birthday, it’s my day-off. So it became a ritual for me to deliver my present personally at his apartment. But ever since his relationship with Peyton became public, I haven’t been at his place. Unlike before, I can’t barge in at his place at any time, running the risk of ruining some moment they might be having. I still have the spare key to his apartment, though. Ever the early bird, I wasn’t able to catch him at his house when I called that morning. I just told him that I’d be dropping by after dinner to give him my gift – and possibly catch up. These past few days have been busy for the both of us. After I hung up the phone, I looked at my neatly wrapped present. It’s an antique pocket watch; it still works. Imagine Detective Mac Taylor, swinging around a pocket watch while investigating a scene. Very Sherlock Holmes, I must say. Every year, it became very hard to think of a perfect gift for him. He said, a simple greeting is okay with him – but that doesn’t work for me. The whole day crept by at a snail’s pace. It was hot and humid outside, meaning it’ll rain later that day. And since when did a little rain dampen Stella? But I just hoped Mac would call before I go over to his apartment. Although that call never came, I still went through with my plan. It was already 8pm. The receptionist in his building, Mr. Rivera, knows me already. Rather, knows me as the “pretty curly-haired cop lady”. He informed me that Mac hasn’t been in yet. Nor did he leave any message. He did let me go up his floor though and wait there. Out of respect, I didn’t use my key to get in. I sat down, beside the door and scanned the empty hallway. It reminded me of my old orphanage – back when I was little. Every time there will be a social worker coming with a childless couple in tow to adopt, I would hide in the laundry room and sit by the door. I would listen to the world outside; whether they’re looking for me or if they finally chose which of my friends to take away. It was never the big kids – always the bubble-rouge08 – A Friend Of Mine

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babies. Yet a few times, the nuns went looking for me. Somebody wanted to see the curly-haired little girl. I was crying at that time, listening through the door as they searched for me. I was happy that somebody would want me to be his or her daughter but at the same time, I didn’t want to be adopted. I was a little kid. But I was free. Yet with that freedom, came loneliness. I immersed myself in my heritage. I projected a tough girl image so that prospective parents wouldn’t pick me. I sort of became the fearless leader in the orphanage. Then, I became the eldest kid. When turned 18, I was like a lost puppy in the big world. From being the oldest and bravest, I became afraid of what’ll become of me. I didn’t want to be left behind, for nothing. I put myself through school, then the academy. I became a police officer so I can continue to protect other people, like I used to protect the kids in the orphanage. Yet that didn’t make me any less lonely. After all, people in my line of work have families, spouses, and/or children to go home to. All I had was myself. Until Mac. Claire and Mac Taylor were so nice to me since the day I met them. They were newlyweds and both Mac and I were fairly new in the NYPD. Though I never really knew Claire that much personally, I became close to Mac. His little lines, “Stella, I need your opinion on this,” or “I need your help, Stell,” never failed to make me smile. I felt needed. I felt important. It started to rain outside. It was close to 10 p.m. and I managed to get a 30-minute nap. Mr. Rivera woke me up when he passed by me on one of his rounds. “I don’t think he’ll mind if you go in,” he said in his heavily accented English. “Thank you, Mr. Rivera,” I politely said, standing up. “Maybe I will later.” He limped away and down to the floor below. In a normal setting, I would go in there, leave a note together with my gift. But this time, with Peyton in the picture, I wouldn’t take my chances. I might not like what I would find in there.

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The raining hasn’t stopped. I didn’t bring my umbrella with me because I thought if the rain caught me here, Mac would’ve wanted me to wait it out. But I guess, at 10:15 p.m., it’s not going to happen.

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CHAPTER 22 I’ve loved you then and I love you still It’s my birthday. Everybody – even three of the seven perps I interrogated – greeted me. Lindsey even gave me a paperweight she brought back from Montana. Peyton prepared us a special dinner tonight. She insisted that we eat at her place; she spent the whole day preparing. I should be very happy. But I’m not. I don’t want to think that she forgot but the day is ending and she hasn’t even called to greet me. “Where are you, Stella?” I mumbled under my breath. “You’re saying something?” Peyton asked, placing her fork down. “Do you like it?” I nodded and smiled. I could feel my cell phone heavy in my pants pocket. Every time it vibrates, I willed it to be Stella and not some random high-ranking officer wishing me many happy returns. Then I realized I haven’t checked my voice mail. “I’m glad you do,” she smiled, filling her wine glass. “I wasn’t sure what you would like for tonight. So I took a chance. It’s not me to…uh, ask around.” She said that last line with what sounded to me as apprehension. I’m an investigator and whether I like it or not, I tend to notice these things. “Thank you,” I said, tapping my cell phone in my pocket. “I love everything.” “Including me, Mac?” she said in a sweet voice. Peyton leaned over and kissed me. “Do you?” I didn’t know what to say. Why was she asking me these kinds of questions? I could just smile and continue eating. We finished our dinner and ended up as a heap on the couch. With ‘Black Hawk Down’ muted on the TV forgotten, Peyton started to unbutton my shirt. “Ready for your just desserts, honey?” she whispered in my ear.

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I wasn’t entirely sure. My body’s telling my one thing but my mind’s adrift. Why hasn’t Stella called yet? It started raining about five minute ago. Peyton was on my lap; she has my shirt open all the way. But my mind is still on Stella for some reason. She never forgot my birthday ever. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to call her. “I’m sorry, Peyton,” I said, pushing her off my lap and dressing myself. “I… I need to do something,” I excused myself, fishing my cell phone from my pocket and dialing my voicemail retrieval number. From my peripheral vision, I saw that she sighed and glared at me. I don’t blame her. But I really need to just hear her voice. After several beeps and greetings from my other friends (I had 14 messages), I finally heard it, Early to rise, early to work again. It’s my day-off… so you know what that means, right? See you some time after dinner; and I won’t bring my spare key. Bye. My eyes flew to the wall clock. 10:30 p.m. I began cursing myself. Knowing Stella, she would’ve waited until she’s certain that I’m not coming. And I’m supposed to spend the night here at Peyton’s. She was still glaring at me with her arms crossed. She was pretty mad at me, for sure. “I should go,” I said sternly, picking up my overnight bag from beside the couch and turning towards the door. “I’m sorry.” “It’s Stella, right?” she said, audible enough for me to hear. I faced her while she continued, “I’m not stupid, Mac. I could see how you look at her, how you listen to her, how you touch her… I know how you react when she needs you. You try to deny it, I know, but you don’t have to.” She stood up and walked towards me. “You never act that way with anyone else. Not to your friends or your co-workers. And certainly not to me.” “Peyton,” I would like to reason with her. Yet I can’t deny the fact that there is some truth to what she just said. “You love her, do you?” she said out of the blue to shut me up. “You just don’t know it. Or maybe… you don’t want to admit it.” I kept silent and broke eye contact with her. “That’s right. You’re scared of what it’ll do to your friendship. Yet ever since, you saw her as more than that.” Peyton went on, “That’s why you can’t – or refuse – to put your bubble-rouge08 – A Friend Of Mine

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heart in to any relationship. Because you reserve part of yourself to Stella. Am I right or am I right?” She’s crying now. But she wouldn’t let up. “I’d be lying if I tell you now that I’m not hurt. My boyfriend… you, Mac, you are here with me but your thoughts are with somebody else – who, must I remind you – has not even remembered it’s your birthday today. But don’t worry, she told me to prepare all these for you and…” she stopped abruptly. My head snapped up. “What did you say?” I said in my ‘boss’ voice. What did she mean by that? I dropped my bag and grabbed her wrists. “What did you just say?” “Mac, I…” but no. It’s my time to talk. “Repeat. What. You. Just. Said.”

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CHAPTER 23 “Repeat. What. You. Just. Said.” “Stella told me to prepare all these for you,” she said calmly. I let her go and let her continue, “That’s right. Everything that I’m doing for you – it’s because of her. She told me what you like. She’s more than happy to help me with it.” “And you asked her this knowing what she felt all along?” I asked her angrily. She sat down and sobbed, “I wanted to do everything to keep you, Mac. Can’t you see that? I wanted to make you happy like Stella does. How I long to see you smile the way you do when she cracks a joke. In this game, it’s cutthroat.” “Game?” I said arching my eyebrow up. “LOVE, Mac,” she said forcefully. “One thing I’ve learned on my job – dealing with the sick and the dead – life is too short. When I met you, I felt alive. Stella told me herself… you’re a keeper. I thought I wasn’t enough for you, that I don’t deserve you. Now, I know… I’m not, don’t,” she finished defeated. I felt guilty. I knelt down at her and tried to pull her in my arms to comfort her. But she pulled away, “Please don’t make this harder than it already is, Mac. It’s okay. I understand it now. Go to her; she needs you,” Peyton said placing a kiss on my lips. Probably the last. “Thanks, Peyton,” I whisper to her. “And I’m sorry.” I knew nothing more could be said so I went out the door and hailed the first cab I could see. The rain was pelting outside and the night is darker than other nights. It’s probably better like this – the weather mirrored what the three of us are feeling. The streets flew by in a blur to me. I dared the cabbie to break the speed limit just to reach my apartment… my Stella on time. We passed lampposts, meters, stores, clubs, Laundromats, restaurants – in my world, potential crime scenes. Even late at night,

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New Yorkers are hustling and bustling with their business. Umbrellas, newspapers, plastic sheets, a blur of jackets crowd the sidewalks and waiting sheds just to keep dry. But amidst that, I saw a trench coat-clad figure – dripping wet from head to toe. I stopped the cab, paid him and raced up the street to that woman. My bag is waterproof so it was the least of my problems. I was gaining up on her… it was… “Stella!” I cried out. Heads turn towards me but I don’t care. “Stella wait up!” Peyton is right; I love Stella. And I’ve been trying to deny it for the longest time in fear of losing her if she didn’t feel the same. Come to think of it, she’s the only real thing in my life – I love her and now I realize that I rebuilt my world around her. Life is short. Peyton’s words rang in my ears. Yes, and I’ve been wasting it long enough. I’m always at your side I got looks and offers from people since I walked out of Mac’s apartment complex. Remind me to bring my umbrella the next time. Only… I don’t think there will be a next time. The rain was pouring down hard. I recalled Sister Connie’s soothing words: the raindrops are the tears of the angels in Heaven. They cry when your little hearts are crying. We would be huddled together in one corner of the playroom, scared of the thunder and lighting and trying to stay dry from the leaky ceilings. Right now, I don’t know which was crying: my mind or my heart. Probably both because it took less than five minutes and I’m soaking wet. Mr. Kwon, the friendly Korean chef a few blocks from Mac’s place (we always eat there) followed me for three blocks with an umbrella over my head. Countless New Yorkers invited me to share their umbrellas with them. A nice woman even offered me a ride home. I thanked them for the invite but I kept on walking in the rain. I love the rain. It’s cold – puts me back to reality. I’m out here soaking and probably catching a cold, while he’s in his girlfriend’s warm arms… maybe making love to her.

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As punishment for holding on to false hope, I decided to walk all the way to my place. I’ve done this before – with him in tow – when either of us is in the mood for a long chat. But doing it alone, in the rain, no less, is torture. I treaded a long stretch of some street, uphill with water soaking my pants. I looked up to the dark and heavy sky thanking the heavens for the rain. At least, I was not crying alone. “Stella!” I heard someone cry out. “Stella, wait up!” I know that voice anywhere. That’s the voice that makes me laugh when he cracks an occasional joke, the voice that challenges my theories and hypotheses, the voice that makes me smile with his praises. It’s also the voice that comforts me when I need a friend – the same voice that tells me what to do. It’s Mac.

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CHAPTER 24 I just ignored him. What is he doing here anyway? And why is he looking for me? “Walk on, Bonasera. Ignore him,” I told myself as his voice got nearer and the splashes his feet made had shorter intervals. People are stopping and staring at him… at us. I bet we look like something out of the pages of a romance novel. Only, our story might not have a happy ending. Right then, I broke down. A fresh batch of tears broke my dam, mixing in with the rain. I let him catch up to me at last. My knees began to buckle, just in time when his arms wrapped tight around me. “It’s okay, Stell. I’m here,” I could hear him whisper, holding me up as my knees gave out. “I’m sorry… so sorry.” “Please let me go, Mac,” I pleaded against him. We were both soaking to our underwear and I know there are people watching us intently. “You’re not supposed to be here. Please let me go…” “No, Stella,” he insisted, grabbing my shoulders and twisting me to him. I couldn’t look at him directly; I didn’t want him to see that I was hurting. “Why do you want me to let you go? Have you?” he almost screamed at me. “Have I what?” I mumbled, seeing the crowd of people watching us from across the street and in the different establishments. The rain was stronger now. As were my tears. He lifted my chin up to finally meet his eyes as he said, “Have you let go of me?” With that, I had to look away. Have I? “Leave me alone, Mac,” I whispered, meaning well and hopefully not driving him away. “Why are you doing this to yourself?” he shook me to my senses. “Walking in the rain… alone. Stella, you have me. You know that!” I pushed him off me. I don’t give a rat’s ass about our audience at this moment. “You want to know why, Mac?” He held my gaze strong. I want to look strong to him so he

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won’t baby me anymore. But the rain softened my walls and Stella came tumbling down. “I always like walking in the rain because no one can see me crying.” “Oh Stell,” he said, taking me tightly… and safely into his arms. “I can always see you crying, Stella. I do. Even if you don’t want anyone to see you – I always do.” Mac’s voice quivered as his own tears mixed with my own. “You shouldn’t be here,” I said, my own arms snaking around him. “But I am now,” he whispered back. “I always will be.” I looked up and met his eyes. It saw sincerity in them, the look that makes me smile and feel safe… and truthfully, I saw love in them. “I love you Mac,” I finally said out loud. “I’m sorry I kept it for so long.” I sunk into his chest and sobbed. I didn’t expect him to reply; I just want him to hold me in this rain. At least here, I can live what I’ve dreamt of for so many lonely nights. Never did I anticipate what he said next. CSINYCSINYCSINYCSINYCSINYCSINY “Me too, Stella,” I admitted. I felt her stiffen in my arms. “And I’m sorry… I refused to recognize it. Your friendship meant so much to me that the idea of going beyond that scared me. I was scared that… that… you wouldn’t feel the same.” Stella took my face in her hand and softly placed her lips against mine. Our first kiss. Before I had the chance to return the favor, she pulled away, with a smile on her face and a glint in her eyes. She doesn’t have to say anything. I pulled her into one more kiss – hearing the people watching us sighing and cheering us on. I imagined myself as one of the spectators; I would probably cringe and walk away. But no, I don’t care if we look like a page out of a Danielle Steele novel. At that moment, all that mattered was the woman in my arms. This is our story.

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Chapter 25

CHAPTER 25 We both were engaged in the kiss that we didn’t realize that the rain stopped falling on us. Stella looked up and laughed out loud. “Don!” Flack was beside us with a large umbrella. “As much as the people of New York are appreciating this free screening of ‘Days of Our Lives’ NYPD style, you two look like you need a room,” he joked, walking us over to the sidewalk. “Not to mention, you picked a very public spot to make out,” he added, pointing straight ahead. “Oh my…” Stella sighed, hiding her head in her hands. We were right in front of Sullivan’s. Several familiar faces were looking at us with their thumbs up and goofy smiles on their faces. Danny and Sheldon even had their camera phones out. It was my turn to blush. We’ll never hear the end of this. “It’s about time, you two,” Danny yelled from across the street. Lindsey came out of the bar carrying a drink for the two. “Cheers!” he continued clinking bottles with her and Sheldon. Opening their own umbrellas, the three went over to us. “Now, it’s either you carry on with your little lovey-dovey scene or you drive on home – which one’s nearer, I would recommend,” Don said handing me a set of keys. “I’ll hitch a ride with Danny.” “Now, you behave yourselves, a’right?” Danny said winking at the others. “Well, look who’s talking,” I said, finally managing to speak. “Is it a bit late for you children to be still up and about? It’s way past your bedtime.” Danny made a face but laughed. “Anyway, all I can say is…” Sheldon said, “finally.” “Okay, okay, let’s go,” Lindsey said, rounding up the men and going back across the street. “Let’s leave them to their night. Happy birthday, Mac – and Stella…” she paused giving her a mischievous wink – whatever that could mean – which Stella returned.

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“My place?” she sweetly said, taking my hand and heading over to the car Flack loaned us. “Sure. It’s closer.” I wasn’t completely innocent with my decision. CSINYCSINYCSINYCSINYCSINYCSINY It’s funny what a series of seemingly harmless winks can mean quite the opposite. When we arrived at Stella’s place, we showered (separately) and changed into dry clothes. I had two sets with me. Technically, my birthday has passed but Stella gave me her presents. She gave me two. The pocket watch she gave me was resting on top of the bedside drawer. I took a quick peak to check the time – still too early to go to work. I slowly slid back under the covers careful not to wake up the beauty beside me. I took the time to stare at her face. Stella can be as fierce as a volcano one moment and the next, can be a meek little bunny. As motherly as she can sometimes be, she’s still a little child inside. She’s clutching the blanket in her bunched fists, her hair fanned around her. The relaxed and sated look on her face gave away what we did last night. My back stings a bit – but hey, you won’t hear me complaining. She began to stir. “What time is it?” she mumbled. Opening her eyes, she stretched up and yawned. “We don’t have to go to work for another three hours,” I answered, marveling at her naked body… so early in the morning. “Okay,” she yawned again. “Mac…” she whined, “Why is it cold?” I chuckled. Even good CSIs have their moments too. I gathered her in my arms and held back a moan when skin and skin met. “Because, Stella… it’s a bit chilly outside and we’re both undressed as of the moment. Having the blanket pooled around your waist doesn’t help either.” She hit me playfully on the chest. We stayed that way for a little while until she – again – broke the silence. bubble-rouge08 – A Friend Of Mine

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She didn’t really say anything right away but the look in her eyes said a lot. It’s a mix of uncertainty, questioning and doubt. “Mac… do you think we’re…” “Do you regret what we did?” I asked just to make sure. I looked away because I was scared of what she’ll say. Did she? Or did she not? “Because I don’t, Stella.” I held my breath those few seconds that followed. Instead of answering, she laughed out loud. “Mac, you’re turning blue,” she said giving me a big kiss. “Ew… morning breath.” I kissed her again. “We cancel each other out, y’know,” I joked. “But Stell, that doesn’t answer my question. Please…” “No, Mac,” she cut me short. “No, I don’t regret any of this.” She took my hands in hers and turned all serious. “I’m just… scared. After all I’ve, you’ve… been through. If this fails, I don’t know what to do anymore.” I understood what she meant. We both suffered losses in the past. A big chunk of our lives were taken away in an instant. Yet, somehow, going through it with her by my side brought a little semblance of wholeness in me. I wanted her to see that… feel that. “Stella, what we’ve lived through – it’s not just yours or mine. They’re ours, understand? You were with me when I lost Claire. I was with you when you were attacked by Frankie,” she flinched upon hearing his name but she relaxed back in my arms. “I couldn’t count how many times you saved my life and how many nights you spent crying in my arms or over the phone.” I could see her eyes misting up as I spoke. “If there is one person out there in the world whom I want to spend the rest of my life with… it’s someone who understands me, who cares for me. And that’s you, Stella. You.” “But what about Peyton?” she asked, pulling the blanket up to her chest again. I explained to her last night what happened between us. Yes, we broke up. “I’ll talk to her,” I reassured her. Quite frankly, I still don’t know what I will say to her today. It’s inevitable that we’ll meet, assuming she’ll be going to work today. I surely

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am. Stella will too. “I love you, Stella. And I was too stupid to realize that what I’ve been looking for has always been by my side. We’ll take things slow, if you want. I want to make this work.” The fervor in her kiss told me that she absolutely felt the same. We showered (together, this time) and got ready for work… and what lies ahead.

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Epilogue

EPILOGUE One sign that we Mac and I know each other for a long time is that we are able to weave in and out of situations intact… together. We know how to adjust ourselves and our relationships according to our surroundings. This day wasn’t an exception. One moment, we were intimate and as soon as we set foot in the lab, we turned professional. Danny, Lindsey and Sheldon were waiting for us in the break room with wide smiles on their faces. Plus, the indifference of the lab techs around suggested that they – especially Danny – haven’t shared the information yet. Good. As much as I know they want to interrogate us, cases began flooding in. All of them suggested that Mac and I work together in one of the cases. I thought our newfound intimacy would immediately get in the way of our working relationship but it didn’t. We collected, interpreted, processed evidence, brainstormed theories and basically worked as we always used to. Even I cannot tell that just a few hours before, we were in bed… making lots of love. Now, we’re in a heated debate as to who killed our victim. It doesn’t help that his office is a soundproof box of see-through glass. The lab has enough to acquire all the latest equipment but some sets of blinds could help, too. “Mac, the wife couldn’t have done it because she’s barely 5’ tall, the murder weapon is actually heavier than her,” I argued. I was pacing his office while he was sitting there as cool as a cucumber. “The brother-in-law is a former heavyweight boxer and could easily lift and swing that beam and bash our victim’s head with it.” He wasn’t replying; just staring at me. I was losing my patience. “Mac, this is not the time to ogle,” I huffed sitting down heavily on one of the couches. “Don’t turn around,” he simply said. “We’re being watched.” “What?” I started to say when we both heard a faint knock on the glass door. “Mac. Stella.” Peyton. “Dr. Driscoll,” I said starting to stand up, suddenly regretting the formality.

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She entered his office and said, “No, it’s okay. Please stay seated, Stella.” She was wearing a slight smile on her face, looking at me then at Mac. “I am…uh, here to get these results to you and to… well… talk.” I took that as a cue to exit the room. But once again, she stopped me. Mac looked unsure as I was but kept his composure and said, “Peyton, about last night…” “Yes, I have been thinking things over and…” she paused and walked towards his desk, “I think last night was for the best. You and Stella need to be together.” She went over to me and continued, “Stella, you mentioned a couple of times that you want to make sure that Mac is happy.” I nodded in understanding before she continued, “Well, he is now. With you.” I stood there, surprised at what she just said. Mac smiled and simply said, “Thank you, Peyton, for understanding.” She smiled back and held out her hand to shake his. “I’m looking forward to a great friendship,” she replied. She turned back to me and gave me a hug. “Thanks, Stella.” I hugged her back. “Well, back to work then,” she said with a chuckle. I was speechless through the whole thing. I honestly didn’t know what to say until she left the room in search of either Danny or Lindsey. Mac sat beside me and squeezed my hand and asked, “Are you alright?” All Miss Stella Bonasera could do was nod. I’m glad… When we embarked on this relationship, we put several things on the line. Our jobs, for one. That didn’t mean that it bothered our professional relationship – it’s policy that there’ll be no fraternizing in the office. But you know what they say, “In every rule, there is an exception.” We’re that exception.

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“Some time this year, Stella,” I called out to her. We’re going to the yearly NYPD dinner with the whole team and if we don’t leave now, we’ll be late. “Come on, babe. I’m getting hungry.” “Okay, okay,” she said, her voice muffled by the bedroom door. I could hear her rummaging around our room for her ‘necessities’, which are nothing more than her power, perfume and Vaseline. I was about to make another remark when the bedroom door opened and she walked out wearing a simple black dress, purse in hand with a shawl around her shoulders. Her hair was away from her face; her skin glowing. She always looks beautiful to me. Especially now… “Mac Taylor, stop staring and help me with these shoes!” she cried out flopping onto the couch and tossing me her heeled shoes. “I can’t see my feet anymore. Look what you did to me,” she giggled. I sat on the coffee table as she slipped on her two-inch heels. As I bent down to fasten the ties, I replied, “As if you didn’t like it.” She swatted me jokingly on my arm. When I finished tying the clasps on her shoes, we sat there for a moment, gazing at each other’s eyes. I moved up beside her and kissed her softly. She pulled back just when it started to promise a lengthy make-out session and said, “I remember it was you who wanted to get to this dinner early.” Before I could say anything, she yelped and ran her hands over her stomach. “Clearly, there’s another one here who wants to be fed, Mac,” she said with a loving smile. “Here, feel,” she continued, placing my hand atop her bellybutton. I let my hand stay there and feel our little baby in her tummy. “He’s hungry alright,” I managed to choke out. “What made you sure it’s not a ‘she’?” Stella said putting her hand atop of mine. This pregnancy was unplanned – but it was a welcomed accident. “Or both?” she continued. “After all, there are two of them in there.”

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Yes, we’re having twins. As soon as we found that out, the department requested – more like demanded Stella to stay at home. Counting back, we think it happened eight months ago… when Lindsey offered their summerhouse in Montana for our vacation. That’s where I asked Stella to marry me and she accepted. We haven’t set a date yet – probably months after the babies are born. Twins will surely be a handful, even for the both of us. Stella never looked more beautiful… glowing and healthy, smiling and happy. I can’t even think of words to describe how much she – they mean to me. All the things we’ve been through – losing loved ones, failed relationships, lost opportunities, personal tragedies – all came to this moment. A few weeks from now, we’ll be welcoming the new additions to our little family. What we’ve lost, we’re going to gain ten-fold. I can’t imagine life without Stella. She’s been part of everything. And she’s made me complete. And now, we’re sharing our lives together. I’m ready for whatever adventure is out there for us. “Let’s go?” she asked, standing up and walking to the door.

I follow her to the car. Yeah… let’s go.

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