7p Singles Manual.pdf

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

THE SINGLES GUIDE

Copyright © 2019 by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

Contents The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

A

Introduction

Welcome to the Singles Guide!

1

Acknowledgments

2

The Research

3

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

5

An Overview of the Seven Principles

6

The Friendship System

6

The Conflict Management System

6

The Shared Meaning System

7

Principle 1:

Enhance Love Maps More About Being a Better Listener

9 10

Small Group Exercise: Groups of Three

Enhance Love Maps by Asking Open-Ended Questions11 Principle 2:

Nurture Fondness and Admiration

13

More on the Positive Habit of Mind

13

A Point of Caution

15

Large Group Exercise:

Giving Sincere Appreciations

16

Reflection Exercise:

Fondness17

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Principle 3:

Turn Toward

19

The Emotional Bank Account and Bids

19

Bids and Technology

20

Reflection Exercise:

Turning Toward

22

Stress-Reducing Conversations

23

Guidelines for Being a Great Listener

24

Tips for Listening to Difficult Emotions

26

Listening to Anger 

26

Listening to Sadness or Crying 

26

Listening to Fear 

27

Small Group Exercise: Groups of Three

Being Supportive During a Stress-Reducing Conversation28

Phases of Relationships

29

Limerence

29

Trust

30

Who Can I Trust? 

30

Commitment

31

Safe vs unsafe people Reflection Exercise:

Relationship Phases

32 33

Dating

33

The Bottom Line on Internet Dating

34

Large Group Exercise:

Dating35 Small Group Exercise: Groups of Three

Dating36

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Principle 4:

Accept Influence Solution: Yield to Win Large Group Exercise:

Empathize and Honor the Request

Conflict Management in Relationships

37 37 38 41

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

41

Criticism

41

Defensiveness

41

Contempt

42

Stonewalling

42

Small Group Exercise: Groups of Three

The Four Horsemen

43

What Role Does Anger Play in Relationships?

44

Conflict Is Inevitable 

45

Types of Relationship Conflict

46

Why Are Some Problems Perpetual?

47

The Difference Between Solvable Problems, Perpetual Problems, and Gridlocked Perpetual Problems

48

Principle 5:

Solve Solvable Problems 

49

A. Rules for Softened Start-Up 

50

Examples of Softened Start-Up

51

Large Group Exercise:

Practice Softened Start-Up B. Repair: A Happy Couple’s Secret Weapon

Gottman Repair Checklist

52 54 55

C. Learn to Self-Soothe to Avoid Flooding or Feeling Overwhelmed

56

The Nature of a Good Break 

57

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Large Group Exercise:

Relaxation58 Reflection Exercise:

Flooding60 D. Finding Common Ground: Compromise Circles

61

Yield to Win Principle

61

Compromise Steps

61

Yield to Win Questions 

62

Compromise Circles

63

Principle 6:

Overcome Gridlock List of Common Perpetual and/or Gridlocked Problems:

65

How Do You Know If Your Issue Is Gridlocked?

67

Questions to Encourage Dialogue and Avoid Gridlock

67

Reflection Exercise:

Perpetual and Gridlocked Problems Conflict Styles Reflection Exercise:

Style of Conflict Meta-Emotion Styles Reflection Exercise:

Meta Emotions

iv

65

68 69 70 70 71

Principle 7:

Create Shared Meaning

73

Pillar One: Rituals of Connection

74

Pillar Two: Supporting Each Other’s Roles

75

Pillar Three: Life Goals

76

Pillar Four: Values and Symbols

77

What Is True Love? 

78

Is This the Real Thing? 

78

Next Steps

78

Final Review of the Seven Principles

79

Reflection Exercise:

An Exercise in Thanksgiving

80

Appendix81 Quiz: Is This the Real Thing? Exercise:

Meta-Emotions Questionnaire

81 86

References

93

Other Gottman Products You May Enjoy

94

Popular Books by John Gottman and/or Julie Gottman 94

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Introduction

Welcome to the Singles Guide! The Gottman Institute wholeheartedly believes that fulfilling relationships and connecting with the meaningful people in your life are the keys to better health and increased happiness.1 Humans are social creatures. We crave connection with others, but we are not all naturally equipped with the best tools to forge healthy relationships. In Dr. John Gottman’s What Makes Love Last, he talks about the importance of social connections and relationships. It is well-documented that people who are isolated or remain in distressed, unhealthy relationships have a far higher mortality rate than those with developed social connections.2 In a University of California Berkeley study, Drs. Berkman and Syme3 found that close friendships and marriages increased lifespans by an entire decade. This is where we come in. Utilizing over forty years of research on relationships by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, we specifically designed this program for singles who would like to learn what it takes to create and maintain a successful, fulfilling relationship. Drawing heavily from the 2015 revised edition of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nan Silver, this program will teach you each of the seven principles necessary for a robust and happy partnership. It will also provide practical, time-tested techniques to develop, maintain, and fortify each of these principles in your next relationship.

You will learn how to: 1. Get to know your partner in a deep, profound way. 2. Build friendship and trust. 3. Recognize and respond to bids for emotional connection. 4. Be open to influence. 5. Understand and work with both solvable and more difficult problems. 6. Get through gridlocked conflict as a team. 7. Create a special “Story of Us.” 8. Maintain your relationship gains.

Our goal for you is simple: To create and maintain a successful, fulfilling relationship.

The Seven Principles Singles Guide

Copyright © 2019 by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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Acknowledgments I am appreciative and grateful to Drs. John and Julie Gottman for all their years of research and hard work that has made The Gottman Institute and this workshop possible. They are remarkable people who have made the world of couples therapy richer and more productive. Without them, this workshop would not be possible. I would like to take this opportunity to thank them for all their support. Special thanks for their thorough review of this manual and for their contributions and suggestions. I would also like to thank Dr. David Penner for his unending assistance and support in getting this workshop off the ground. His kindness is appreciated, and I cannot thank him enough. I also would like to give huge thanks to Etana Dykan Kunovsky, co-founder of The Gottman Institute, who has shared with me her wealth of knowledge and helped this program launch. Also, huge thanks to Kendra Han, and Jen Dalby who have given their skills and dedication to helping me organize this into a functioning workshop. Thanks also to Michael Fulwiler and Becca Sangwin from the Products and Marketing Department for all their help in getting the word out about this workshop. Stacy Hubbard, LMFT

The Seven Principles Singles Guide

Copyright © 2019 by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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The Research

Dr. John Gottman began doing basic research on relationships in 1972, and, in collaboration with Robert

Levenson, he has observed more than 3,000 couples over the course of his over 40 years of research. One group of couples participated in the study for twenty years!

Some of the questions Dr. Gottman explored in his research: •  What predicts divorce? •  Can we predict who will get divorced? •  What predicts one’s ability to adapt to major life transitions, such as becoming parents? •  What makes relationships work well? •  What helps people have access to their sense of humor when fighting? When he began his research, approximately 2,000 studies had previously been completed on divorce. However, only six of those studies had attempted to understand which couples would stay together, which couples would divorce, and why. Unfortunately, since those previous six studies used self-reporting (in the form of questionnaires) as their method of scientific inquiry, they proved to be poor at predicting which relationships would work. Dr. Gottman and Robert Levenson sought to change this with multi-dimensional and extensive research. Not only were couples interviewed at length about the history of their relationship, their philosophy about relationships, and how they view their parents’ relationships, but they were also videotaped while talking to one another about both joyful topics and areas of continuing disagreement. While being videotaped, their heart rate, blood flow velocity, and sweat output were recorded moment by moment. Endocrine and immune function measures were also obtained in some studies. After finishing their videotaped sessions, the couple was asked to watch the replayed tapes and provide an insider’s perspective of what they had been thinking or feeling when their heart rate or blood pressure had suddenly surged during a discussion with their partner. This synthesis of historical reporting, in-the-moment physiological reactions, and personal interpretations of those responses made for extremely thorough data. Some studies were longitudinal, meaning that the same couples were followed up with for 20 years so that researchers could observe changes to the relationships over time. These studies included both heterosexual and same sex relationships. John Gottman built an apartment lab at the University of Washington where he could carry out these studies. Couples were asked to remain in the apartment for twenty-four hours and to do what they might do as if they were at their own home, such as reading the paper, watching TV, eating, cleaning up, and so on. Except there were some slight alterations to the usual home environment: three cameras tracked their movements, Holter monitors tracked their electro-cardio activity, and samples were taken every

The Seven Principles Singles Guide

Copyright © 2019 by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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time they urinated to ascertain stress hormones, such as adrenaline. This apartment lab became known as The Love Lab. His thorough methods paid off: Using their numerous years of observation, the researchers at the Gottman and Levenson labs eventually gleaned which behaviors predict divorce. Now, Dr. Gottman can predict with over 90% accuracy which couples will divorce, and, among those who do stay married, which couples will be happy and which will be unhappy. (This statistic is an average taken from seven studies.) Not only that, but Dr. Gottman and Levenson were also able to decipher what strengthens relationships— that is, what keeps a relationship stable and vibrant in our busy, stressful times. In the research process, Dr. Gottman observed what he came to call the “Masters and the Disasters of Relationships.” He defines Masters of Relationships as two people who stay together, who report high relational satisfaction, and who like and enjoy one another. These Masters of Relationships exhibit a much higher percentage of positive interactions, even when discussing a conflict, than a couple in distress. They handle conflict with less negativity and more gentleness than unhappy couples. Through intervention studies, Gottman and Levenson learned that these were not just the effects of happy relationships, but also the causes. John and his wife, Dr. Julie Gottman, have worked together to create Gottman Method Couples Therapy, which has helped countless thousands of couples to have closer relationships. The results of these studies are what form the basis of this workshop. We hope that by learning and utilizing this information and tools, you will learn how to create and foster a healthy, happy, and enduring relationship.

Knowledge is the first step towards change and, ultimately, the key to the prevention of these patterns.

The Seven Principles Singles Guide

Copyright © 2019 by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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The Seven Principles Singles Guide Copyright © 2017 by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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The Seven Principles Singles Guide

Copyright © 2019 by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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An Overview of the Seven Principles The Friendship System Enhance Love Maps A very powerful predictor of relationship stability is whether couples allocate “cognitive room” for their relationship and the world of their partner. The Masters of Relationships have developed a cognitive map of the world of their partners, of their relationship and its history, and of their partner’s history, concerns, preferences, and current inner landscape. To create Love Maps, ask open-ended questions that cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” You can create Love Maps for friends and family members as well as for romantic partners. Nurture Fondness and Admiration When we get upset with our partners, it is easy to lose sight of their positive attributes and the positive aspects of our relationship. We take each other for granted. For this reason, it is crucial to make a habit of acknowledging the positive aspects of our partner’s personality. When you openly share with someone what you appreciate about them, it strengthens your bond. When you create a firm foundation of affection, honor, and respect, it is much easier to overcome problem areas in a productive way. Even if you feel like a relationship is stable, you can always heighten your fondness and admiration for each other. Turn Toward When your partner makes a bid for your attention or connection, whether it is verbal or nonverbal, they are giving you the opportunity to either: turn toward them, turn away from them, or turn against that bid. The majority of these bids usually occur in the small, everyday moments of our lives. Your partner may make a bid by calling your name, initiating a conversation, expressing a need, or giving an unexpected smile. When you Turn Toward their bid, this means you engage and respond positively. This demonstrates that your partner is important and that they matter to you. In Turning Away, you might ignore their bid altogether. This implies that they aren’t very important to you in that moment. In Turning Against, you might respond with an angry, “Be quiet. I’m reading!” This tells your partner that you don’t respect them or value them. Strive to Turn Toward your partner as much as possible.

The Conflict Management System Accept Influence Accepting influence is about trying to accommodate each other’s wants and needs without sacrificing your own. The goal is to look for as much as you can in the other person’s request that you can honor. Look for what you can do to accommodate each other’s wishes instead of being resistant to them. Those who recognize this gain much. What you give up is more than compensated for by what you receive, both in terms of finding a solution to the problem and in developing a more rewarding relationship.

The Seven Principles Singles Guide

Copyright © 2019 by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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Solve Solvable Problems These can be about many topics but are typically time-limited, meaning that once solved they are done with. Of the problems couples face, 31% are solvable while 69% are perpetual. By “perpetual problems” we are referring to problems that are based on differences in personality and lifestyle preferences. A solvable problem within a relationship, on the other hand, is about something situational. The conflict is simply about the topic at hand without a deeper meaning behind the position. A solution can be found and maintained. Deciding whether to fix the car or sell it, where to go on vacation, if you should send the kids to soccer camp, etc., are all examples of time-limited problems. In order to solve your solvable problems, it is important to engage in dialogue and do compromise work—both of which we will teach you more about this afternoon. Overcome Gridlock Even the Masters of Relationships have ongoing, perpetual problems, but what separates them from the Disasters of Relationships is that they manage to find ways to dialogue about their problems instead of letting them become entrenched and painful. Gridlocked problems are similar to perpetual problems in that they center on either fundamental differences in your two personalities or your lifestyle needs, but they have been left unhandled and have calcified, leading to tension and quarrels. All couples have perpetual problems. The issues can seemingly be about the same topics as what for another couple might be solvable; but unlike a solvable problem, these are the problems that a couple will return to over and repeatedly. Within each person’s position is a core need or a dream. The Masters of Relationships can talk about these and honor each other’s dreams.

The Shared Meaning System Create Shared Meaning Developing a culture of shared meaning in one’s relationship doesn’t mean a couple must see eye-to-eye on every aspect of their life philosophy, rituals, or needs. Instead, there is a meshing, and an intentional creation of a life together. It means striving to find a way of honoring each other’s dreams, values, ethics, and goals (even if you don’t always share them). The culture that you develop together should incorporate both of your dreams; it should be flexible enough to change as you both grow and develop. When a partnership has this shared sense of meaning, conflict is much less intense and perpetual problems are unlikely to lead to gridlock. You can create shared meaning intentionally by: •  Creating Rituals of Connection (formal and informal) •  Developing shared goals •  Supporting each other’s life roles •  Agreeing about basic symbols such as what a home means

The Seven Principles Singles Guide

Copyright © 2019 by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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The Seven Principles Singles Guide

Copyright © 2019 by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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Principle 1:

Enhance Love Maps

The Masters of Relationships have developed a cognitive map of their partner’s world, their relationship, and their relationship’s history. These cognitive maps, or Love Maps, are created by asking open-ended questions such as, “How would you like your life to change in the next five years?”

The point is to ask questions that deepen your understanding of the other person. “Did you call the plumber today?” is not a question that tells you much about your partner’s inner world. Instead, try asking, “If you had all the money in the world, what would your dream house be like?” Asking this sort of question, you’ll find out something entirely different about your partner. Open-ended questions have stories for answers—and layers of meaning within those answers that can help you understand the heart of who your partner is. Asking an open-ended question shows genuine interest in your partner’s life and inner world. It’s important to remember the answer! The idea of this principle is to take the time to ask and get to know someone more deeply, not to rush through the questions as quickly as possible to get them over with. It’s not a race. In fact, that is the opposite of the point. You have a card deck called Ask Open-Ended Questions in your kit as well as a Love Maps card deck. You can use these cards to help inspire you to ask thought-provoking, revealing questions when you start dating someone new. They are designed so that you can continue to ask these types of questions even after you’ve been together for years. The questions can also be used with family and friends, and can be an excellent way to intentionally get to know those closest to you in a more profound, meaningful way. You don’t have to wait to be in a relationship to start using these cards. Practice this skill with people you already know! Friends, family, pets… (Okay, maybe not pets.) Over time, you can build Love Maps for every meaningful person in your life. This exercise does not have to be reserved solely for romantic partners. Plus, if you practice this skill before you meet a new romantic interest, it’ll come that much more naturally to you when you do.

The Seven Principles Singles Guide

Copyright © 2019 by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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More About Being a Better Listener When asking open-ended questions, it’s also important to be an active listener. Active listening means making eye contact, nodding, and attending to whomever you are talking to rather than paying attention to your phone or any other distraction. Asking follow-up questions can help, so if they say they really like their job right now you can ask, “What is it that you like most about it?” or, “What is it about your job that feels most rewarding to you?” Use the bulleted questions and statement below to spark follow-up questions and further the conversation: •  What is the best thing about this? •  What is the worst thing that could happen? •  What is it that you like about this? •  Tell me more about that. •  How do you feel about it? When asking open-ended questions, it’s also an excellent opportunity to empathize with the speaker’s feelings. If they say they are overwhelmed and anxious about an upcoming work project, you can say, “That sounds really tough,” or, “It makes sense that you’re feeling anxious.” Expressing empathy in this way also serves to validate your conversation partner.

The Seven Principles Singles Guide

Copyright © 2019 by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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Small Group Exercise: Groups of Three [15 minutes]

Enhance Love Maps by Asking Open-Ended Questions This exercise provides an opportunity to practice asking open-ended questions. Instructions: Find two other people to be your practice partners for this exercise. Take turns asking each other questions from the list below and answering them. Go through as many as you can in the time allotted. You can ask a follow-up question if you choose to challenge yourself. We will role-play the right and wrong way to do this exercise as a demonstration before you begin. Remember, asking open-ended questions and building Love Maps is a skill you can use in dating as well as with friends and family. The Questions: The questions below are organized progressively from lighter questions to deeper or more in-depth questions. The beginning questions might be better for early on in dating, while the deeper questions might be good for people you know better or for further on in the dating process. However, some people prefer to dive into the deeper questions early in the dating process. As long as you are asking open-ended questions and practicing active listening, then there is no right or wrong order. For this small group practice exercise, we recommend you focus on the starred questions. You may respond with made-up or pretend answers, or you may skip a question and move on to another one. The goal is to practice asking open-ended questions, not to put anyone on the spot or have anyone feel uncomfortable. Feel free to pass on a question if you feel uncomfortable. Have fun with it! 1. What is your favorite movie? What do you like about it? 2. What kind of meals do you like to cook? Why? * 3. Have you traveled much? Where is your favorite destination? * 4. If you could have a superhero power, what would it be, and why? 5. Which holiday do you like the best? Why? The least? Why? 6. What is the most exciting thing happening in your life right now? * 7. If you could instantly possess three new skills which skills would you choose? 8. Name the best concert you’ve been to recently. Why did you like it? 9. What adventures would you like to have right now? Why? * 10. If you could live during any other time in history when would you choose? Why? * 11. Do you have any animals? Did you have any growing up? 12. If you could have lunch with any famous person—living or deceased—who would it be? Why did you choose that person? 13. If you could travel anywhere right now regardless of money, where would you go? * 14. Who is your favorite band? Why? * The Seven Principles Singles Guide

Copyright © 2019 by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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15. What was the best vacation you have ever been on? What made it so great? * 16. If you could live another person’s life, whose life would you choose? * 17. If you could design your dream home, what would it look like and where would it be located? What about it is a dream? 18. Tell me about the best year of your life. What made it so great? * 19. If you had infinite amounts of money, what would you do differently with your life? * 20. How do you see your work changing in the future? 21. How are you feeling about your job these days? Why? 22. What qualities are important to you in a partner? 23. Are you looking for a committed relationship or just wanting to casually date? 24. What has been the most fulfilling romantic relationship for you? What worked? 25. If you could redo a five-year part of your life, which section would you choose? Why? 26. If you could change one thing in your past, what might that be? Why? 27. When it comes to the future, what do you worry about most? 28. What qualities do you value most highly in friends right now? Why? 29. If you could choose a different career what would it be, and why? 30. What is one thing you would like to change about your personality? Why? What do you feel is missing from your life? 31. How have you changed in the last year? 32. What are some of your life dreams right now? 33. What goals do you have just for yourself right now? 34. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? 35. What were the high and low points of the past year for you? 36. How are you fulfilling or nurturing your spiritual side these days? 37. What are the major stresses in your life right now? Have some open-ended question ideas of your own? Feel free to jot them down below:

The Seven Principles Singles Guide

Copyright © 2019 by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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Principle 2:

Nurture Fondness and Admiration

It is easy to take other people for granted. When you openly share with someone what you appreci-

ate about them, it strengthens your bond. When you create a firm foundation of affection, honor, and respect, it is much easier to overcome problem areas in a positive and productive way. Building a climate of appreciation also protects against contempt, which is one of the most destructive patterns in relationships.

Even if you feel like a relationship in your life is stable and happy, you can always heighten your fondness and admiration for that person! Friendship is the foundation for passion and intimacy. When your friendship is strong, other areas of your relationship flourish. Affection, fondness, and admiration can all be built! In fact, this is what the Masters of Relationships do: they have cultivated a positive habit of mind, which means they notice what is going well and what their partner is doing right. Then, they point out these positive qualities or actions to their partner. Rather than focusing on the negative and berating their partner for those instances, they affirm their partner for what they’re doing right.

More on the Positive Habit of Mind Some people are naturally more inclined to a positive mental state, while others must work at it. Think of people you know who fit into the first category. How are they able to so easily notice and focus on the positive things in their life and the positive qualities in those around them? In a relationship, those who can maintain a positive habit of mind are able to focus on what is going right and give appreciation, while those with a negative habit of mind tend to focus on peoples’ mistakes and on correcting those mistakes. Here is an example of the positive habit of mind: A father walks into the kitchen where his daughter and son have just made crepes. There is flour everywhere. Instead of focusing on the mess, the first thing out of his mouth is, “Wow! Those look amazing. Where did you learn to make crepes? It smells so good in here!” Afterwards, if he wants to kindly ask them to be more aware of tidiness next time or to make sure to clean up after they’re done, it is much more likely that they will receive his input in a positive way. If he had walked in and initially focused on the mess, he would have been practicing the negative habit of mind, and he would have missed a chance to show appreciation. People who can first notice the good and point out their appreciations have stronger relationships. By expressing these appreciations, they store up goodwill and a fondness and admiration cache. This, in turn, allows them to set limits and ask for what they need even if it’s difficult.

The Seven Principles Singles Guide

Copyright © 2019 by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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Here is another example of how this might play out: Your partner buys a few new varieties of tea because they notice you have been drinking more tea lately. They bring it over to your house before you go out to dinner one night. Negative Habit of Mind: You get upset with your partner because you have a tiny apartment and the box of tea takes up valuable cupboard space. Positive Habit of Mind: You notice how thoughtful and kind your partner is to have done that. You express thanks to them and share a nice moment. Then you figure out where to store the new tea. If you’re wondering, “Can I learn this?” The answer is: Yes! In fact, the man in the crepe example above had been in couples therapy, and over the course of six months in therapy he was able to shift from a negative habit of mind to a positive habit of mind. Six months prior, he might have walked into the kitchen and said, “What is this mess? What are you doing?” But with his mental shift to the positive perspective, he noticed huge benefits and improvements in his relationships.

Remember: Expressing appreciation is crucial to a healthy relationship. When you’re in a romantic relationship, learning to notice the positive traits of your partner goes a long way in building the fondness and admiration system. Fondness and admiration is a habit of mind that helps you maximize your partner’s positive qualities and minimize thoughts of their negative qualities. It helps you nurture gratitude and increases the likelihood that you will think pro-relationship thoughts. Find ways to sprinkle this into your friendships. Not only will your friendships flourish, but it will serve as good practice for you. The better you get at expressing your fondness and appreciation to your friends and family, the better you will be at expressing these appreciate statements in a romantic relationship in the future. The more you strive to notice the attributes and actions you appreciate in others, the more this positive habit of mind will become natural for you. This is powerful stuff. It truly can shift the way you think about people in your life. If you are working on improving this, please keep in mind that we are wanting you to improve your average, not obtain perfection. Think of a batting average in baseball…you cannot hit a home run every time you’re at bat.

The Seven Principles Singles Guide

Copyright © 2019 by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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A Point of Caution Sometimes it may feel easy for you to come up with an appreciation or compliment, but you may have difficulty delivering it without it coming out wrong. Worst case, an improperly given appreciation can inadvertently seem offensive. For example: You’re trying to tell a friend or a date that you have noticed their efforts at being more punctual. Wrong Way: “You FINALLY figured out how to be on time.” This can come across as criticism instead of as an appreciation. Right Way: “Thank you for being prompt. It’s important to me, and I appreciate it.” This shows that you’re appreciative of their effort to be on time.

The Seven Principles Singles Guide

Copyright © 2019 by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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Large Group Exercise:

Giving Sincere Appreciations Notice that the positive habit of mind is present when true appreciation shines through. This happens when you are focusing on the person’s achievements and strengths rather than on any perceived past or current failings. Instructions: Below are some scenarios. As a large group, we will read aloud the scenario and then ask you to come up with a way to sabotage an appreciation by going into the negative perspective. Then, we will ask for suggestions of sincere appreciations to end on a positive note. Scenarios: 1. Someone you recently started dating invited you over for dinner. You notice they have done some deep cleaning since the last time you were there. Wrong Way:

Right Way:

2. Your partner sends you a spontaneous present. This is something new—they aren’t typically the gift-giving type. Wrong Way:

Right Way:

The Seven Principles Singles Guide

Copyright © 2019 by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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Reflection Exercise:

Fondness Who do you appreciate most in your life?

What about them makes you appreciate them?

How might you express the appreciation you feel to that person?

The Seven Principles Singles Guide

Copyright © 2019 by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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The Seven Principles Singles Guide

Copyright © 2019 by John Gottman, Ph.D. and Julie Gottman, Ph.D. Distributed under license by The Gottman Institute, Inc.

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Principle 3:

Turn Toward Turn Toward refers to how you respond to other people’s bids for attention or connection. The majority

of bids usually occur in the small, ordinary moments of our lives. The other person might make a bid for attention by calling your name, initiating a conversation, expressing a need, giving an unexpected smile, or simply touching you. When someone makes a bid for your attention- verbal or nonverbal- you have three choices: you can Turn Toward, Turn Away, or Turn Against that bid.

Turning Toward implies a positive response, like a friendly, “Yes?” when your partner calls your name. By doing this, you are demonstrating to your partner that they matter and that you want to connect with them. Another way to Turn Toward is by doing something you know the other person would appreciate. For instance, suggesting a movie they would enjoy, helping them with a household chore, or by bringing them their favorite food. In Turning Away, you might not respond at all, ignoring them. This demonstrates to your partner that whatever you are doing is more important than their bid for connection in that moment. In Turning Against, you might respond with an angry, “What do you want this time?” This tells your partner that you do not respect them or value their attempt at connection. This principle was born out of watching couples interact in the Love Lab. During a dinner conversation, couples who were still married six years later turned toward each other 86% of the time while couples who were divorced six years later only turned toward each other 33% of the time.

The Emotional Bank Account and Bids There are dozens of everyday moments where we can be waltzing around relatively mindlessly. If we bring attention to those moments, we can recognize them as an opportunity to turn toward the people around us instead of turning away or turning them. We call these moments “bids.” Bids are often neutral emotionally, and often don’t think about them. They flow by unnoticed. We call these “mindless moments.” Other times bids involve positive emotion and expressing interest, excitement, or affection. It is imperative that expressions of positive emotions be returned, that is, that they receive a Turning Toward response. Every time we turn towards a bid, we are making a deposit in our relationship’s Emotional Bank Account. These moments bolster the overall positive feelings we have for one another. And they add up. It’s like saving quarters. Deposit enough of these in our bank account, and we can be well-off someday. Moments when we turn towards each other’s bids are like that. Having enough of these positive feelings stored up will not only make your relationship more pleasant and romantic, but it will also provide a cushion for when times get rough.

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Major life stresses happen. Waters get choppy. We all fight or come into conflict from time to time. But if you have enough positive feelings stored up in your Emotional Bank Account, you will be far less likely to tilt over into distrust or chronic negativity.

Moments of connection, no matter how small, are deposits in a couple’s Emotional Bank Account. When we talk about bids and turning towards, what we’re actually talking about is mindfulness and being aware of one another’s bids. These small adjustments toward attunement often add up to an increasingly large bank account. It’s about a change of awareness—being aware of bids and then turning toward them—that can lead to a change in how you move through time together. Turning Towards creates greater emotional connection. Incidentally, we also found that there is a connection between Turning Towards and great passion, romance, and sex in intimate relationships. “Sliding door moments” are choice points and opportunities to build intimacy. Gwyneth Paltrow’s movie Sliding Doors is a metaphor for these decision points and their consequences.

Bids and Technology We have all felt the impact of smart phones and social media on our lives. While these items can have a positive impact on our relationships since they allow us to Turn Toward our partners even when we aren’t physically near them—like texting or Facetiming with a partner while they are away on a work trip—they can have profoundly negative consequences, too. We’ve all been there when someone is checking texts at the dinner table while we’re trying to tell them about an important event from our day. Instead of using technology in a positive way, this use of technology is just another way of Turning Away. The same technological instrument can be a means of connection or a means of disconnection depending on how it’s used. For this reason, it is critical that you develop mindfulness around your use of technology and the impact that it can have on your relationships. The next time you are in a relationship, it is also vital that you clearly communicate with your new partner and discuss each of your expectations around the role of technology in your individual lives as well as within the relationship. Make sure you are aware of how you want to be treated—maybe you don’t like having phones out while on a date—and that you follow your own rules! Dr. Gottman recommends that you decide on device-free times, such as dinner, date night, or when your partner needs to talk. We turn off our phones in theaters and on planes so we can—and should—extend that courtesy to our significant other as well. We all have the same twenty-four hours a day. How we connect or fail to connect is a matter of priorities.

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The following example of possible dialogue illustrates the simplicity of turning towards versus turning away or against: You are in a hurry in the morning, and you’re brushing your teeth. Your partner comes into the bathroom and says, “I just had a disturbing dream.” Don’t Say: I don’t have time for this right now. Do Say: I wish I could hear it right now, but, unfortunately, I’m already running late. Could you remember it so we can talk about it later tonight? Sometimes these moments have positive affect. They involve your partner expressing interest, excitement, or affection. In these moments, it is crucial that expressions of positive emotions receive a reasonable response. Turning towards leads to more turning towards. It is a positive feedback mechanism. Responding positively to a partner’s bids for attention is a major way to improve your relationship.

By being mindful, you can notice whether you are turning towards, away, or against. Strive to be mindful about these moments.

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Reflection Exercise:

Turning Toward What are some ways that you were turned toward in a past relationship, and how did that feel?

Think about your positive role models for relationships. List the ways you’ve noticed how they turn toward each other.

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Stress-Reducing Conversations The management of the spillover of stress was what researcher Neil Jacobson found differentiated couples who maintained gains in couple’s therapy from those who relapsed two years after therapy. (By managing stress, we mean management of daily external stress from sources outside the relationship, like occupational stressors or stresses from neighbors.) An effective way to turn toward a partner is to share how your day went. Many couples automatically have a “How was your day, dear?” conversation, but too often their discussion doesn’t help them relax. Instead, it might actually increase stress levels and cause partners to feel frustrated with each other for not really listening or for jumping directly into problem solving. The goal of the stress-reducing conversation is to block out distractions so that each partner feels fully listened to and understood. We highly recommend that when you’re in a relationship, you have a stress-reducing conversation every day. This conversation gives you a great opportunity to turn towards each other, thereby increasing your Emotional Bank Account. Typically, this discussion will be about stresses in life, while other times it will be about celebrating good news or pleasant experiences. In either case, the goal is for the person speaking to feel heard, understood, and supported. Think about how you can implement this skill with friends, dates, or siblings. We could all be better at truly listening and having empathy for the person who is stressed or upset. Making the shift from problem-solving into empathy, support, and understanding will likely improve your relationships. Listening without giving advice and just giving empathy is hard for most of us. But just “being there” avoids leaving the people we care about from feeling alone with their stress. In this exercise, you will discuss a recent or upcoming stress in each of your lives like an upcoming job deadline, or a future event (outside of your relationship) that may prove stressful. Each of you will have an opportunity to be a speaker (about your own stress) while your partner listens. Speaker: Talk about your stress with as much detail and depth as possible. Listener: Offer support to your partner using the methods listed below. Be sure to avoid problem solving unless your partner wants your help doing so. Be sure to avoid siding with the enemy, so if your partner is complaining about their boss you don’t want to tell them that you think their boss might be right. Just do your best to listen and understand your partner’s thoughts and feelings. It’s important to only provide advice if the other person requests it. Remember….

Understanding first. Then advice. (But only if it’s asked for.)

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Guidelines for Being a Great Listener The importance of truly listening to the people in our lives cannot be overstated. When a partner or a friend is sharing their pain or their joy with us, it is an opportunity to connect and help them feel seen and heard. Empathy and validation are at the heart of being a great listener. These things do not mean placating, agreeing, or determining if something is true from your perspective. Every feeling is valid from the other person’s perception. The pointers and guidelines here will help you become a better, and perhaps even great listener! Listen to their story without inserting your own at this time. If they are talking about how hurt they are by a co-worker betraying them, don’t automatically insert a story about you. Instead, keep listening and allow this time to be about them. If you have something to vent about when they are done venting, then you can say, “You know, if you feel heard I’d love to talk to you about my stress now.” Show genuine interest. Make eye contact. Nod along and say, “Uh-huh.” Ask questions to deepen understanding. Some of these questions might be: 1. What’s the worst thing that could happen here? 2. What’s the hardest part about this for you? 3. How do you feel about this? 4. What else are you feeling? 5. What do you need? 6. Is there any way I can support you in this? 7. What are your concerns? Don’t give unsolicited advice. This is not the time to try and solve their problem or to give advice (unless they request it). Use this time to try and fully understand and empathize with their dilemma. Communicate understanding. Verbalize understanding. For example: “How frustrating! I would be stressed out, too,” or, “I can see why you feel that way.” Don’t take the enemy’s side. If the person venting is angry or upset with someone, don’t take the side of their “enemy.” Even if you agree with the enemy’s position, instead empathize with your partner’s emotions. Focus on what they are feeling, not what they are perceiving. Express a “we against others” attitude. Let them know that they are not alone and that you are facing this stress together. Express affection. If it feels right, sometimes a pat on the knee, a hug, or rubbing their back may be helpful.

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Validate emotions. Let the other person know that their feelings make sense to you by saying, for example, “Yes, that is really sad. I would be worried, too,” or, “I can see why you’d be annoyed about that.” Don’t “silver lining” it by saying “at least.” By doing this, you are minimizing their stress and pain. Instead, allow it to be what it is. By saying, “You got fired, but at least you still have a place to live,” you are minimizing their suffering about the job loss. You can say, “This seems so difficult. I don’t know what to say,” or, “Thank you for sharing with me,” or, “I can see how hard this is for you. You must be struggling right now.” Empathize. One way to empathize, is to follow the steps below: 1. So, you are feeling: (happy, scared, lonely, etc.) 2. About… (state the event, or circumstance related to the feeling) 3. Because… (name the reason or belief that explains the feelings) 4. And I can understand… why you feel this way. Or “That makes sense.” There are many scenarios where the above formula would work, and at the same time there are some where it wouldn’t. Imagine a friend gets a promotion at work. You might simply say, “That’s so great, nice job!” Or if a partner had a pet pass away you might say, “I can see how much you’re hurting.”

When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen — Ernest Hemingway

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Tips for Listening to Difficult Emotions Listening to Anger A common pitfall of listening to your partner’s anger is taking it personally. When we hear feelings we don’t like, we often try to change them. For example, we hear anger and our response is to immediately apologize. But don’t rush into apology before you understand the nature of the anger. Don’t be afraid of your partner’s anger, even if it is about you. Avoid changing the subject or getting defensive. Avoid getting angry back. Also avoid trying to cheer up your partner or to make them laugh. Instead, try to understand what the anger is about. Say, “Talk to me. I want to hear more about how you feel so I can understand it.” At times anger arises from a sense of unfairness. It can also arise from feeling distant from someone you want to be close to. All anger is composed of two things: (1) a goal, and (2) something blocking that goal. Find out what these two things are. What’s the goal? What’s preventing getting to the goal? Ask questions like: 1. What are your concerns? (This is one of our favorite questions.) 2. What’s happened recently that has made you feel so angry? 3. What do you need?
 4. What can I do to be helpful to you? If the anger is about you, listen and start by taking some responsibility even for a small part of the problem. Avoid becoming defensive. Avoid counter-attacking. Someone can be angry with you and it can be an opportunity for understanding and getting closer. Treat the anger with respect. Take it seriously and just try to understand it, even if you don’t agree with it.

Listening to Sadness or Crying A common pitfall of listening to your partner’s feelings is to try to change them. We hear sadness, for example, and want to try and cheer up our partner or to make them laugh. Avoid doing this. Instead, find out what is lost or missing from the person who is sad. Try to understand what the sadness or the tears are about. Say, “Talk to me, honey. I want to hear more about how you feel so I can understand it.” Avoid giving solutions, like, “Why don’t you just call up your sister and spend the day with her?” Don’t be afraid of sadness. Just try to understand it. You are a traveler and your partner is the tour guide into his or her unique landscape of sadness. Let your partner describe how he or she feels.

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Listening to Fear Everyone develops their own intuitive sense of safety in the world. Although you may not agree with their reasoning, something is making a fearful person feel unsafe. What is it? A common pitfall of listening to your partner’s fears is to minimize them by being reassuring. To the fearful person, that can seem like ridiculing a legitimate concern. Ignoring a gut feeling that something isn’t right can lead to trouble down the road. We need to listen to fear instead of dismissing our feelings. The gift of fear can keep us safe. So, find out: 1. What are your concerns?
 2. What’s happened recently that has made you feel unsafe? 3. What do you need to feel safe?
 4. What can I do to be helpful to you? If the fear is about you, listen and start by taking some responsibility for even a small part of the problem. Avoid becoming defensive. Avoid counter-attacking. For example, if your partner says, “I get scared when you yell at me,” don’t say, “I wouldn’t have to yell if you just listened to me!” Instead say, “Yes, I’m sorry. I know I can get pretty loud sometimes. I will try to watch that.” Avoid asking “Why?” questions (such as: Why did you do that? Why didn’t you do that?) as this can come across as criticism, and there is often no satisfactory way to answer a why question. Instead, ask questions such as: 1. What is it you don’t like about this? 2. What are your priorities here? 3. What concerns do you have about this? 4. How did you come to this decision? Etc.

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Small Group Exercise: Groups of Three [15 minutes, 5 minutes each]

Being Supportive During a Stress-Reducing Conversation Instructions: Form a small group with two other people. Take turns reading the stressful scenario as if you were the person in that situation, then have the other group members be supportive and empathic. You might even try to ask a question about how they’re feeling about it, what’s the hardest part, etc. Scenarios: 1. “I am struggling because my dad is having health issues. My parents live on the east coast, and I don’t see them much because of my work demands. My mom has a habit of keeping details from me because she doesn’t want me to worry. I feel out of control because I can’t seem to get accurate information, and I am really worried that if he’s in the hospital my mom won’t tell me.”

2. “My landlord is saying that he might sell our building. This means I will have to look for a new place and the rental market here is so expensive and competitive. He allows me to have my dog, which is great but I am concerned that I won’t be able to find a place I can afford, let alone one where I can have my dog.”

3. “My boss is hinting that in order for everyone to keep their jobs that there might be pay-cuts. She says we all must make a small sacrifice to keep everyone employed. I just bought a house, and I have a mortgage that is affordable for me now—but just barely. I am so worried that I won’t be able to afford my payments and that I will have to sell it and move back into an apartment. I thought I was past that and in a stable place, but now I don’t think so.”

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Phases of Relationships There are three distinct and natural phases that occur in a lifetime of love. Dr. John Gottman describes

these in What Makes Love Last as well as in Principia Amoris. Through his research, he discovered that there are choice points in the course of a relationship when love will either progress to a deeper place or deteriorate. The description of these phases will help you see what factors determine our experience of love and what happens to love throughout the course of a relationship.

Limerence Limerence is that feeling of overwhelming infatuation that occurs when you first start dating someone that you feel a spark with. It is also known as the honeymoon phase. We often call this feeling “having chemistry” with someone, which makes literal sense: at this phase of love, there are tons of love chemicals coursing through your body. There’s a rush of oxytocin, also known as the “love hormone” or the “cuddle chemical.” There’s an elevation of dopamine, which controls the brain’s reward and pleasure centers. And there’s an increase in serotonin, which is thought to regulate happiness, anxiety, and mood. This is a beautiful phase. You might find that you are unable to think about anything but your partner and want to be with them constantly. Everything reminds you of them. Amazingly, this phase can last anywhere from six months to two years. Sometimes it can last even longer! In a famous 1995 Swiss study, Claus Wedekind found that pheromone scent plays a major role in attraction.4 He used T-shirts worn by different men over the course of two nights. He then had women smell T-shirts from men with similar immune systems to their own, men with dissimilar immune systems, and a control group. He had them rate the smells as pleasant and unpleasant. The women consistently chose men with a dissimilar immune system. The reason for the scent preference has to do with creating offspring that have the strongest immune systems possible. If the child had an immune system able to fight off a diversity of diseases, then it would be stronger. Another study confirmed that sexual attraction was high in the case of mates with dissimilar immune systems. However, there are some findings that show mates prefer the faces of people with similar immune systems.5 Whether it is smell or the appearance of the face—or both—that attracts a person to their mate, there is no denying that some people have chemistry between them and others do not. In another Swiss study out of Zurich University, researchers were able to show that individuals with increased oxytocin levels are more likely to have higher trust levels.6 They gave one group of their study subjects oxytocin nasal spray and the other a saline spray, then presented both groups with a financial investment opportunity that was quite shady. The oxytocin group was much more likely to give in to the bad deal than the saline group. This shows that when you have higher levels of oxytocin—which you do when you are falling in love—then you are less likely to notice risk and more likely to make poor decisions.

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That being said, this is a beautiful time. Falling in love is one of the most extraordinary things in life, yet it is important that you have your eyes open in this phase, so to speak, and that you do not jump too quickly into getting married or moving in together.

Trust After limerence comes the trust phase. This is the state that occurs when you know that your partner is acting and thinking of ways to maximize your interests and benefits instead of just their own interests and benefits. In other words, trust means knowing that “my partner has my back and is there for me.” Trust is that particular state that exists when each person acts in their partner’s best interest. We build trust by being there for one another and repairing poor communication. While Dr. Gottman was researching for his book What Makes Love Last, he went back and reviewed Love Lab video tapes from the newlywed study. In their conflict discussions, he noticed that the theme of “Will you be there for me?” was prevalent. The couples were trying to figure out, “Does this person have my back? Am I more important than their job, their hobby, their best friends, etc.?” This phase is where the most fighting occurs. This is due to the above-mentioned reason, that people are trying to decipher if they can count on their partner to have their back. This phase is crucial to the relationship successfully moving forward. There are plenty of relationships that smoothly make it through this phase, so the fighting is not a mandatory part of this phase.

Who Can I Trust? In a new relationship, how can you know who to trust? The answer: The person who attunes to you by listening non-defensively when you are upset with them. The person you can trust is able to attune to negative affect through great listening. Dr. Gottman has done research on trustworthiness, and found the following five criteria to help separate those who are trustworthy from the shysters. (These five criteria are from the book What Makes Love Last.)7 1. Honesty. Do not trust someone who lies to you. Don’t come up with excuses for why they lied, or talk yourself out of your doubts. 2. Transparency. Make sure they are an open book, and that they invite you to meet their family and friends. 3. Accountability. Do they keep their promises and follow through on their commitments? 4. Ethical Actions. If you are detecting immoral actions or if you are uncomfortable with their morals, then move on. 5. Proof of Alliance. If they can demonstrate that they have your back, even in small ways, then that is a good sign. Do they take your best interests to heart instead of acting only out of self-interest?

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Commitment Commitment means believing that the relationship you’ve chosen is a lifelong journey, for better or for worse. This means that if things get difficult, both partners will work together to try to improve it. Commitment means deciding that you are in this for the long haul. In this phase, avoid comparing your partner unfavorably to others. It involves cherishing your partner’s positive qualities and nurturing your gratitude for them. This can manifest as comparing your partner favorably with real or imagined others, rather than trashing your partner by magnifying their negative qualities or nurturing resentment by comparing them unfavorably to real or imagined others. This is called a negative comparison, and these “negative comps” can be the root of betrayal. Some people find that even though they are married, they may have a conditional commitment, which means they are thinking, “I am here until someone better comes along,” and are engaging in negative comps. True commitment involves positive comparisons, which is when one focuses on cherishing and noticing the positive qualities of their mate while minimizing the negative traits. These pro-relationship thoughts boost commitment and can get a couple through tough times.

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Safe vs unsafe people Over the past few years in developing and presenting this workshop I have had many people ask about how to know who’s safe. The above information from Dr. Gottman about 5 signs of trustworthy people are a guiding light, and in addition I have found it helpful in my private practice with single clients to go through some of the important points from the book Safe People by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend.8 Here are some important things to be looking for when you consider safe vs unsafe people: •  Safe people allow you to feel like an equal vs feeling like their parent or their child. •  Safe people are stable over time vs being inconsistent •  Safe people have empathy and act on it vs being solely concerned with themselves (‘I’ not ‘we’) •  Safe people want to mature and grow, and can admit when they are wrong while unsafe people avoid working on problems, or admitting fault because they believe they are perfect •  Safe people are willing to earn your trust while unsafe people demand it without earning it •  Safe people can respect your ‘no’ and honor your boundaries In addition: unsafe people apologize without changing their behavior, they blame others, they gossip instead of keeping secrets, and they show up only when they need something. If you consistently find yourself drawn to unsafe people, then there may be an underlying issue that needs to be addressed. This can be addressed through personal exploration or even individual therapy. As stated in ‘Safe People’, this could be driven by the need to rescue that unsafe person, fears of isolation or abandonment, or even familiarity with negative relational patterns.

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Reflection Exercise:

Relationship Phases At which stage did your most recent or most significant relationship conclude?

What contributed to why it ended at that stage?

What red flags might have been missed in the limerence phase of that relationship?

Dating These days roughly one-third of single people have an online dating profile. As you probably already know, this way of dating allows you to find and view people that you would never otherwise meet, and you can chat with them before meeting. A downfall is that there can be too much choice in online dating. Columbia professor Sheena Iyengar has done experiments that reveal an excess of options can induce indecision and paralysis in decision making.9 Her experiment involved jam samples at a grocery store. When they offered six types of jam as opposed to 24 types of jam, people were ten times as likely to buy jam from the smaller sample number. This same indecision and paralysis can happen in online dating. People still meet in more traditional ways also (work, neighbors, school, through friends), but no matter how you meet a potential partner, you still have to go on dates! However you meet, try to do something interesting for a first or second date, and remember to ask open-ended questions! Also, remind yourself to be interested in your date rather than trying to be interesting yourself. This idea about being interested in the other person versus trying to be interesting is so important not only in dating but also in friendships. Think of how good it feels when a friend or date asks you deep and meaningful questions about you and your life. It feels really good, right? Try this on your next date and prepare to be amazed at the positive result. Doing this can also help cut down on nerves, because if you

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are focused on the other person and learning about them, you don’t have to worry about trying look cool or interesting yourself. A recent study by Huang, et al. at Harvard University called “It Doesn’t Hurt To Ask: Question-Asking Increases Liking” show through research that people who ask questions have a higher likability rating than people who try to redirect the topic of conversation to themselves.10 In fact boasting or dominating the conversation decreases liking. The specifics of the study showed that not only question asking was crucial, but asking follow up questions, which showed that the question asker was paying attention and communicating understanding by asking a follow up question. Another way to keep the conversation going is using mirroring, so if someone asks you what you did over the weekend, you would answer and then ask “what about you?” The importance of this study directly relates to dating since one of the study methods was taking data during speed dating. The result being that people who asked more questions and showed understanding, validation and care through question asking were more likely to get asked out on a second date. Eli Finkel, in an article in Psychological Science in the Public Interest, proposes that what is more important than finding someone just like you, or who compliments you, is to find someone “with a personality that is conducive to relationships…someone who has relationship aptitude.”11 What is relationship aptitude? It is the ability to develop and sustain intimacy and trust. Someone with high relationship aptitude has low levels of neuroticism. They are someone who has an agreeable character, and the ability to securely attach to other people. University of Texas psychologists Lucy Hunt and Paul Eastwick discovered in a study that in most cases “unique value” is more significant than “mate value.”12 Mate value is the average first impression of someone’s physical attributes or attractiveness. Unique value comes out slowly and over time through shared experiences and getting to know each other (like when you discover that you both like action movies and jazz music, for example). Someone’s more distinctive traits take more time to know than is typically possible on a first date. This is why it’s important to consider getting to know someone slowly and perhaps go on five second or third dates rather than fifteen first dates.

The Bottom Line on Internet Dating Many people meet by dating online. Current statistics show that one in five relationships start on an online dating site. Women get more hits than men, so be patient if you’re a man and try not to get overwhelmed if you’re a woman. Don’t spend too much time talking online—a week or two at the most—then meet to see if you have chemistry. Helen Fisher, noted anthropologist and consultant for Match.com, states that it is best to avoid long online exchanges. The only way to know if you have a future with a person is to meet face to face since “the brain is the best algorithm.” Laurie Davis, author of Love at First Click, recommends no more than six messages before meeting offline, since that gives you enough information to know if they are someone you’d want to date. Meeting someplace public is always the best option for safety reasons. Do post photos on your profile. Don’t overvalue information in peoples’ profiles. For example, if they like the Lakers and you like the Trailblazers, you might still want to give them a chance (as long as everything else looks good in their profile, of course).

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Large Group Exercise:

Dating Instructions: Let’s take a moment to go over our list of first and second dates to see which ones interest you. We will read aloud some of the examples and then discuss the following questions: What would you prefer? Something from the common category? Or something from the more unique category? List of First Date Ideas (Received via Facebook from followers of The Gottman Institute’s Facebook page) Most Popular Suggestion: Walking and talking—either hiking, in a park, or strolling in the city. •  Most people felt that by walking, you take the pressure off each other to make eye contact and it feels emotionally safer for most people. •  People also mentioned that for safety reasons, they preferred meeting in a public place if this was an early date and they didn’t know the other person well. Other Popular Suggestions: •  Mini golf, picnic, farmers market, bowling. More Ideas: •  Meet at a bookstore, then split up for 15 minutes, each pick out five books—four describing you, your quirks, and favorite things—and then one you think might suit your date based on first impressions. Then meet back up and talk about your choices. •  Go to a thrift store and buy a few inexpensive paintings and then paint additional things onto those paintings together. (Example: What once was swans on a pond turns into shark-infested water.) •  Pretend to be a tourist in your own city. Get on public transportation and explore the city. Other Suggestions: Blueberry picking Parasailing See a Broadway show Go tailgating Sit on a park swing and talk Visit a planetarium Meet for tea or coffee Walking dogs together Ice skating Karaoke Cooking or baking together Meet for wine tasting Go stargazing

Attend a monster truck rally Attend a comedy show Meet for ice cream Go to an arcade Go kayaking Go to a rock climbing gym Visit food carts Go to antique shops Go to an art or wine event Go to a driving range Attend a yoga class Volunteer at a soup kitchen Play laser tag

Go for a scenic drive Go roller-skating Go to garage sales Share a hobby Visit a botanical garden Go to a bookstore and talk Go on a bicycle ride Go to a museum Play pool or darts Watch live music Watch the sunset

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Small Group Exercise: Group of Three [15 minutes]

Dating Once you have formed a group of three, discuss the questions below and record your answers. What was your best first date and what made it so special?

How do you deal with nerves before a first date?

If you are willing, share ideas with your small group for interesting dates that are not on this list! Write down the suggestions you heard that really feel special to you.

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Principle 4:

Accept Influence

Accepting influence is about trying to accommodate each other’s wants, desires, and needs without sacrificing your own. Attitude plays a key role in accepting influence.

The goal is to look for as much as you can in the other person’s request that you can honor. Look for what you can do to accommodate each other’s wishes instead of becoming annoyed and resistant to them.

Solution: Yield to Win Accepting influence involves adopting a “yield to win” perspective. That is, you have to give a little to get a little. Those who recognize this gain much. What you give up is more than compensated for by what you receive, both in terms of finding a solution to the problem and in a richer and more rewarding relationship. Dr. Gottman discovered that men who are willing to accept influence are often happily married. Those who are unwilling to accept influences often see their marriages become unstable. Imagine living in a relationship where each person is consistently trying to accommodate the other’s needs and wants. This would be what we call a high trust relationship. In these types of relationships, both people are willing to sacrifice to make their partner happy because they know their partner would do the same for them. An excellent example of this was when Paul Newman was asked by David Letterman if he planned to accept a particular Broadway role, and Newman replied that he probably would because his wife thought he should. This reflects his admiration for his wife and his willingness to let her influence him. A positive cycle occurs when influence is accepted and a negative cycle occurs when influence is rejected. When Influence Is Not Accepted: Imagine Partner A brings up an issue. Partner B doesn’t accept A’s influence, so A gets upset and becomes critical. Partner B escalates A’s negativity by launching a counter-attack or by being contemptuous, leaving A feeling invalidated and upset, which then causes A to withdraw. Both feel misunderstood and rejected. The issue goes unresolved, and the gulf between them widens. When Influence Is Accepted: When Partner A brings up an issue, Partner B listens to Partner A’s concerns and tries to find common ground. B may not agree with everything A wants, but can find some aspect of A’s request to go along with. Partner A feels accepted and heard (although not always agreed with). They express their emotions without an escalation in negativity. They may disagree, but they are not disrespectful. Their relationship remains stable.

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Large Group Exercise:

Empathize and Honor the Request Instructions: Together, we will read through the scenarios out loud. Then, as a large group you will have the chance to come up with both the part of that request you can empathize with, and what you can say to honor part of the request. 1. Try to visualize these scenarios as if you and a past or future partner were the ones having the conflict. 2. Try to respond to the message being expressed, and what’s important to the other person. Assume that within that message is a request with which you could agree. 3. Write what you can empathize with and what you can honor in the other person’s request. 4. Write what you could say to express your cooperation with at least a part of their request. There is no single right answer to these scenarios, but you’ll find a sampling of effective responses at the end of the exercise. Try not to peek! Example Scenario: Usually, when you come home from your sales job, you’re tired from having to be “on” all day. All you want is to relax and play video games, but your girlfriend, whose job entails far more interaction with computers than people, craves connection. One night she becomes outraged when she tries to talk to you, but you don’t peel your eyes away from the screen. You tell her you’re tired of chatting. She yells, “Well, what about me? I will go crazy if I can’t talk about my day!” What You Can Empathize With: Her need to talk about her day. What You Can Say to Honor Part of the Request: “I can see that you need to talk. What if you give me a half hour to chill out and then we can talk?”

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Scenarios: 1. You pride yourself on being an unsentimental person. Your girlfriend, however, wants you to make a fuss over a multitude of events—her birthday, Valentine’s Day, your anniversary, etc. On her birthday, she expresses hurt that you didn’t plan a party and says she was “forced” to make plans herself. You say birthday celebrations are for children. She says, “Why can’t you just give me what I want? Why is this such a big deal?” What You Can Empathize With:

What You Can Say to Honor Part of the Request:

2. Your partner is upset that you didn’t check first before accepting a dinner invitation from your friends. She can’t stand eating at their place because she feels they are overly focused on health foods and dietary supplements. “Tell them we can’t come,” your partner insists. What You Can Empathize With:

What You Can Say to Honor Part of the Request:

3. Sometimes you make a bit of a mess in the living room when you get home from work, but you usually clean it up after dinner when you have more energy. One night, someone you’ve been dating for a few months comes over for dinner when you haven’t cleaned up. “It makes me mad the way you leave your stuff around. I’m wanting to relax and it’s hard to when there are things all over the couch and floor. Why can’t you clean up before I come over for dinner?” What You Can Empathize With:

What You Can Say to Honor Part of the Request:

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Sample Answers: 1. You pride yourself on being an unsentimental person. Your girlfriend, however, wants you to make a fuss over a multitude of events—her birthday, Valentine’s Day, your anniversary, etc. On her birthday, she expresses hurt that you didn’t plan a party and says she was “forced” to make plans herself. You say birthday celebrations are for children. She says, “Why can’t you just give me what I want? Why is this such a big deal?” What You Can Empathize With: It makes sense that she wants to feel special and celebrated some of the time. What You Can Say to Honor Part of the Request: I can see why you’d want these occasions to be special. Can we select a couple of them and figure out together how to celebrate?

2. Your partner is upset that you didn’t check first before accepting a dinner invitation from your friends. She can’t stand eating at their place because she feels they are overly focused on health foods and dietary supplements. “Tell them we can’t come,” your partner insists. What You Can Empathize With: Our friends do deliver sermons about food. It can be hard to take. What You Can Say to Honor Part of the Request: I understand why you feel that way. How about if I make sure that it’s a potluck and that way we can bring what we want to eat? And I promise to check with you before making any more plans for the four of us in the future.

3. Sometimes you make a bit of a mess in the living room when you get home from work, but you usually clean it up after dinner when you have more energy. One night, someone you’ve been dating for a few months comes over for dinner when you haven’t cleaned up. “It makes me mad the way you leave your stuff around. I’m wanting to relax and it’s hard to when there are things all over the couch and floor. Why can’t you clean up before I come over for dinner?” What You Can Empathize With: It makes sense that they want things clean. What You Can Say to Honor Part of the Request: I can see how you’d be upset. How about if I give myself an hour after work to relax and then I can be sure to clean it all up before dinnertime if I know you’re coming over?

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Conflict Management in Relationships Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Are all negative interactions equally corrosive in relationships? No. In fact, there are four ways of interacting that are the strongest predictors of divorce. The Gottmans call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Before we address how to manage conflict constructively, we will explore the Four Horsemen and their antidotes to set the stage for productively talking about areas of conflict. The Four Horsemen are: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

Criticism Criticism—in the way we are using it here—is describing a problem as a flaw in your partner’s personality. For example: “You are so lazy.” Statements that begin with “You always” or “You never” imply criticism, too. A criticism implies that there is something wrong with your partner’s character. In heterosexual relationships, research shows that women bring up issues 80% of the time. With a lack of response by her partner, her complaints may then escalate to criticism. Regardless of where criticism comes from, it is important to remember that it is still destructive. The antidote to criticizing is to use a softened start-up, which focuses on stating one’s own needs and feelings rather than finding fault in the other person. Situational Example: You wish that your partner would cook dinner tomorrow night or take you out to dinner. Harsh Start-up: You never take me anywhere, and I am sick of doing all the cooking. Softened Start-up: I am tired of cooking and would love a break. It’d be so nice if you took us all out to dinner. Note: We will be learning more about softened start-up a little bit later. There is more to come!

Defensiveness Defensiveness is an attempt to protect oneself, to defend one’s innocence, or to ward off a perceived attack. Sometimes this is done by counter-attacking or by whining and taking an innocent victim stance. The antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility for at least a small part of the problem and to show that you are willing to hear the other person’s comments. For example, when your partner brings up an issue, you can respond by saying, “Okay, tell me more. I am listening.” Even saying something so simple as, “You’re right” will have a huge impact.

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Contempt To be contemptuous is to put someone down or to speak from a higher plane or higher moral ground. Contempt is any critical statement you make when you feel superior to your partner. It’s a position of “I’m better/smarter/kinder/etc., than you are.” Contempt may also be accompanied by scorn and belligerence. There is a mindset which underlies contempt: a negative habit of mind where the person scans the environment for mistakes their partner is making rather than what their partner is doing that’s positive or what they appreciate about their partner.

Contempt is the single most effective predictor of divorce. It is not only corrosive to the relationship but also to the health and immune system of the recipient of contempt. The antidote to contempt is using a softened start-up: describing your own feelings and needs and not describing your partner.

Stonewalling To stonewall means that the listener withdraws from the interaction while staying in the room. This means not giving cues that he or she is listening, but instead actively avoiding the conversation using uninterested body language such as; remaining silent, looking to the side, not maintaining eye contact, or crossing one’s arms. While research shows that men are far more likely than women to stonewall, women are known to stonewall, too. In most cases, when people are stonewalling they are physiologically flooded. This means that they have a heart rate above 100 BPM and they have entered into an unhealthy attempt to calm their physiology by withdrawing from the interaction. (There will be more on flooding later.) The antidote to stonewalling is self-soothing and staying connected in the interaction.

Another way to understand the Four Horsemen is to think of them as different strategies on handling an uncomfortable or emotionally threatening situation. In this light, criticism and contempt can be viewed as fighting; defensiveness as flight; and stonewalling as freezing.

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Small Group Exercise: Groups of Three [10 minutes]

The Four Horsemen Talk about a time you were on the receiving end of one of the Four Horsemen, and how that might have gone differently if it had been delivered with the antidote. Feel free to jot down some notes about your experience with the Four Horsemen, or anything that comes up in this small group exerise:

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What Role Does Anger Play in Relationships? There is a misconception that anger is harmful to relationships. Some writers have called anger a dangerous and destructive emotion, linking it to aggression. But what Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Robert Levenson discovered in their research is that anger by itself does not predict anything negative in a relationship. Anger does not predict divorce. But neither does it predict anything positive. Rather it is just a fact of life and is not to be banished any more than any emotion should be. All emotions are a part of life—even the stigmatized ones, including irritability, disappointment, sadness, and worry. In relationships that are working well, anger is taken as if the message were put in italics. Their anger is, in essence, saying, “Please pay attention! This is important to me!” Anger blended with the Four Horsemen is a different matter. It is what John and Julie Gottman refer to as the “Escalation of Negativity.” For example, meeting your partner’s anger with a more intense negative response—in particular, belligerence, criticism, defensiveness, or contempt—is corrosive to a relationship and predicts divorce. These patterns of negativity— disrespect or demeaning of one’s partner—are destructive in general and are certainly detrimental to children’s development. Anger is okay, but abuse is not. So, whatever your complaint and desperation, one fundamental rule is not to insult your partner’s character, nor to use abusive language. Psychological abuse—such as public humiliation and mocking—is essentially contempt, and contempt is sulfuric acid for love.

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Conflict Is Inevitable Americans tend to think that conflict in any relationship is a sign that the relationship is doomed. We also have a very avoidant view toward the so-called “negative emotions,” which include anger, sadness, fear, disgust, and contempt. Our research has shown that conflict is inevitable in all relationships, and it is inevitable simply because there are two minds instead of one, and the probability that these two minds will be in sync on everything is very low. There are more words for negative emotions that for positive emotions in every language on the planet. Why? Because negative emotions stop us and make us think, why did that happen, what was that all about? Positive emotions like humor and joy just accelerate whatever we are doing, no elaborate thinking required. Instead of viewing negative emotions as unwelcome it is important to recognize that behind every negative emotion there is a longing, and a positive need. By empathetically understanding that positive need, you can shine for the person who has that negative emotion. Every negative emotion gives us important information, like a GPS in life. Negative emotions are therefore an opportunity to connect and to understand our partner better. Conflict is also an opportunity to learn how to love our partner better over time by better understanding his or her needs. We need conflict to grow in a relationship. These moments of being out of sync are the opportunities for connection in any relationship.

Remember: The goal during conflict is to understand our partner.

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Types of Relationship Conflict When thinking about conflict in relationships, it is important to determine if a problem is solvable or perpetual. The majority of relationship conflict (69%) is about perpetual problems. All couples have them. We know this due to Dr. Gottman’s longitudinal research studies. These studies ranged in length from six years to 20 years, with couples coming back to the lab every one to three years to talk about an issue they were currently struggling with. Over time, a theme emerged: Couples were talking about the same problems year after year. They would come back and still have the same issues and grievances. This longitudinal research has given us the knowledge that most of the problems that couples experience are perpetual, meaning that they will never be fully solved. This is because they are grounded in the fundamental differences that any two people would face. Perpetual issues keep coming back. They never seem to be solved completely.

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Why Are Some Problems Perpetual? Perpetual problems are based on either: •  Fundamental differences in your personalities that repeatedly create conflict. •  Fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs. We want you to have the kind of relationship that does not leave you or your partner in pain. Instead, we want you to have the kind of relationship where when one person is upset, then the other is communicating, “When you are in pain, the world stops while I listen.” Dan Wile wrote in a book called After the Honeymoon that “choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems.”13 He noted that problems would always be a part of any relationship and that everyone will have some set of challenges no matter who they marry. Take the following story from his book as an example: Paul married Alice and Alice gets loud at parties and Paul, who is shy, hates that. But if Paul had married Susan, he and Susan would have gotten into a fight before they even got to the party. That’s because Paul is always late and Susan hates to be kept waiting. She would feel taken for granted, which she is very sensitive about. Paul would see her complaining about this as her attempt to dominate him, which he is very sensitive about. If Paul had married Gail, they wouldn’t have even gone to the party because they would still be upset about an argument they had the day before about Paul’s not helping with the housework. To Gail, when Paul does not help she feels abandoned, which she is sensitive about, and to Paul, Gail’s complaining is an attempt at domination, which he is sensitive about. The same is true about Alice. If she had married Steve, she would have the opposite problem, because Steve gets drunk at parties and she would get so angry at his drinking that they would get into a fight about it. If she had married Lou, she and Lou would have enjoyed the party but then when they got home the trouble would begin when Lou wanted sex because he always wants sex when he wants to feel closer, but sex is something Alice only wants when she already feels close. Wile also wrote: “There is value, when choosing a long-term partner, in realizing that you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty, or fifty years.” We agree with this assertion. Remember: •  Perpetual problems will keep resurfacing in a relationship in perpetuity. •  Perpetual problems can become gridlocked.

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The Difference Between Solvable Problems, Perpetual Problems, and Gridlocked Perpetual Problems 1. Solvable problems can be about many topics, but are typically time-limited and, once they are solved, they are done with and in the past. Whether to fix the car or sell it, where to go on vacation, whether to send the kids to soccer camp or art camp, etc.—these are all examples of solvable problems. (Remember, for some couples, these same topics could be perpetual problems.) A solvable problem within a relationship is about something situational. The conflict is simply about that subject at hand, without a deeper meaning behind the position. A solution can be found and maintained. 2. Perpetual problems are problems that center on fundamental differences between your two personalities or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs. All couples have perpetual problems. The issues can seemingly be about the same topics as those that for another couple might be solvable, but unlike a solvable problem, these are the problems that a couple will return to over and over again. 3. Gridlocked perpetual problems are perpetual problems that have been mishandled and have calcified into something quite uncomfortable to discuss. When a couple tries to talk about a gridlocked issue, it can feel like they are “spinning their wheels” and getting nowhere. The nature of gridlock is that hidden agendas (or the deeper meaning and needs that aren’t talked about) underlie the issue. Note: We will learn skills to help manage gridlock later today.

A component of relationship gridlock is that usually both people feel criticized, rejected, and unaccepted by their partner.

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Principle 5:

Solve Solvable Problems

Solvable and perpetual conflict can both cause a great deal of pain. The goal when dealing with a per-

petual problem is not to solve it because, by definition, it is an ongoing problem. The goal, instead, is to be able to talk about it in a constructive way where both partners’ perspectives, feelings, and beliefs are understood.

Research shows that most conflicts experienced by couples fall into the perpetual category. This applies to both satisfied and distressed relationships. The good news is that you don’t need to solve all of your problems to have a satisfying relationship. You do, however, need to be able to talk about them in constructive ways and figure out how to make peace with your differences or reach partial or temporary solutions. Solvable problems tend to be situational in nature and are often tied to specific circumstances where a solution to the problem is possible. Once solvable problems are resolved, you can move on without having to address the issue again. By observing the way many happy couples talked about their problems, the Gottmans have identified five steps for solving problems. We call this the roadmap for solving problems: Roadmap for Solving Problems: A. Soften your start-up. B. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. C. Soothe yourself and each other. D. Compromise and find common ground.

By following these steps, many couples have found a calmer, more respectful, and successful way to navigate through their difficulties and reach a resolution. Let’s discuss the first step: Soften your start-up. The way you start a conversation is predictive of the way it will end. If it starts harshly, then 96% of the time it will end poorly.

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A. Rules for Softened Start-Up Roadmap for Solving Problems:

A. Soften your start-up. B. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. C. Soothe yourself and each other. D. Compromise and find common ground. Remember: This is the antidote to criticism! 1. Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You” to avoid blame. Complaining is okay, but criticizing is not. Criticizing is a statement—often generalized, using words such as “always” and “never” —which negatively describes and attacks another person’s character. Psychologist Thomas Gordon noted that when statements start with the word, “You,” instead of the word, “I,” they are usually more likely to be critical and to make your partner defensive. Instead of saying, “You’re so thoughtless…” it works best to start your complaint with a statement of how you feel, like, “I feel upset…” Don’t cheat and form an “I” statement that is actually a “You” statement like, “I think you’re mean.” The goal is to describe yourself not your partner. 2. Describe what is happening—don’t evaluate or judge. Instead of accusing or blaming, just explain what you see happening objectively and non-judgmentally. For example, instead of saying, “You never help clean up,” say “The kitchen is messy.” 3. Talk clearly about what you need in positive terms. What you wish for or hope for, and/or what you want more of (versus what you don’t want). If you could wave a magic wand and get what you want, what would things be like? Instead of asking your partner to guess what you need, or to read your mind, express it explicitly. For example, instead of saying, “I’m doing all the clean- up,” say, “I’d appreciate it if you would clean your stuff off the kitchen table.” This tells the other person how they can shine for you. 4. Be polite. Make requests politely, adding such phrases as “please” and “I would appreciate it if…” 5. Give appreciations. Noticing what our partners are doing right is always the best way to go. If your partner has, at some time, done better in this situation, then ask for what you need and couch it within an appreciation of what your partner did right in the past and how much you miss that now.

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Examples of Softened Start-Up Topics: 1. Affection. You want your partner to express more affection toward you. Harsh Start-up: You never touch me.

Softened Alternative: I loved it when you kissed me in the kitchen the other day. You’re such a great kisser. I would love it if you would do that more often.

2. Your partner’s car has a new dent in it. You are worried that your partner is not a careful enough driver and you are concerned about your partner’s safety. Harsh Start-up: You put a new dent in the car. Were you ever going to tell me about it? When are you going to stop being so reckless?

Softened Alternative: I saw that new dent. What happened? Honey, I am getting worried about your driving. I want you to be safe. Can we talk about this?

3. Your partner has not been paying much attention to you. Harsh Start-up: You are so emotionally unavailable to me!

Softened Alternative: I have been missing you lately, and I’m getting a little lonely. I’d love it if we could go on our favorite hike after dinner tonight.

When complaining, think about what you need. Instead of criticizing, think of how your partner can shine for you. Catch your partner doing something right. Then thank your partner for it.

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Large Group Exercise:

Practice Softened Start-Up Instructions: Below you will find a list of situations and examples of harsh start-up approaches to those situations. Supply a gentle alternative. This is not a test, but rather an opportunity to learn how to apply this skill. Sample answers are given at the end of the exercise, but try not to peek! Topics: 1. In-laws. You are going to dinner at your partner’s parents’ house. You are upset with how your partner’s mom has criticized you in the past. You want your partner to back you up when you tell her that it hurts your feelings when she does this. Harsh Start-up: Your mother is a wart on the back of humanity. Softened Alternative:

2. Cooking. You wish that your partner would either cook dinner at their place or foot the bill to take you out to dinner. Harsh Start-up: You never take me anywhere, and I am sick of doing all the cooking. Softened Alternative:

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3. Parties. You sometimes get shy in social situations. You think that your partner ignores you when you go to parties and prefers to spend time with other people instead of you. There is a party tonight, and you want your partner to spend time with you. Harsh Start-up: I just know that tonight you’re going to just dump me off in some corner while you shamelessly flirt all night long. Softened Alternative:

4. Money You wish the two of you could save money to go on a vacation. Harsh Start-up: You don’t have a clue about how to manage money! You are so irresponsible. Softened Alternative:

Sample Softened Start-up Answers: 1. You know I care about your Mom, but I’m worried that she will be critical of me tonight. It upset me so much the last time. I would so appreciate it if you could find a way to support me if she does that at dinner tonight. 2. I am very tired of cooking and would love a break. It’d be so nice if you took me out to eat. 3. I can tell that I’m going to feel shy tonight. I don’t want to cramp your style—you are so much more comfortable at these parties than I am. But it would help me so much if you would spend time with me. I don’t know why, but when you do, it makes it easier for me to talk to other people. 4. You contribute so much in so many ways to our partnership. Right now, I am feeling anxious about saving money. Can we work together to come up with a savings plan so that we can go on that vacation we talked about?

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B. Repair: A Happy Couple’s Secret Weapon Roadmap for Solving Problems: A. Soften your start-up.

B. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. C. Soothe yourself and each other. D. Compromise and find common ground. What do the Masters of Relationships do? They repair. No one is perfect, and there will always be times when everyone reverts to one of the Four Horsemen. We all mess up. The difference is that when you fall into one of the Four Horsemen after this workshop, you will know that you need to repair the relationship and you will understand how to do so. Dr. John Gottman’s research has shown that a crucial dimension of relating well is making repair attempts.

Repair during and after a fight is the key to relationship success. A repair is anything that de-escalates conflict and gets the conversation back on track. Taking responsibility for a part of the problem is a powerful repair. In relationship interaction, making repair attempts is a great skill. One aspect of repair is learning how to put on the brakes when you and your partner are in a negative cycle. The first thing instructors teach you to do when you learn to ski is the snowplow. You must learn how to slow down and how to stop before you can learn how to go fast and finesse tricks. Just like learning how to snowplow, this may feel somewhat artificial and phony at first but with practice it becomes much more natural. For now, we want to introduce a method for putting the brakes on when an interaction starts to escalate or becomes negative. The success or failure of a couple’s repair attempts is one of the main factors in whether their relationship is likely to flourish or flounder. Repair attempts are a secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples. A repair attempt is a statement or action, sometimes even a silly one, that prevents negativity from escalating out of control. Take a look at the Gottman Repair Checklist on the adjacent page. These are brief statements of repair that are hard to invent when people are upset during a conflict discussion. One of John’s favorites is, “What are your concerns?” when your partner, or any other person, is angry with you. Use this Repair Checklist to think of ways that you can respond to another person to keep things on track, or pull them back from the precipice. The Seven Principles Singles Guide

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C. Learn to Self-Soothe to Avoid Flooding or Feeling Overwhelmed Roadmap for Solving Problems: A. Soften your start-up. B. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.

C. Soothe yourself and each other. D. Compromise and find common ground. What is flooding? It’s a sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed. When your partner’s words or actions seem so intense that you feel completely defenseless against further attack, you either emotionally disengage in an effort to reduce or avoid the intensity of your feelings, or you escalate the intensity of your response. The perceived threat from your partner is indistinguishable from the threat of a saber-toothed tiger. Our bodies are finely tuned to be ready to ward off an attack, and they are not very good at distinguishing subtleties. We know from the work of physiologist Loring Rowell that if your heart rate goes above 100 BPM, and you’re not exercising, that your body is releasing the stress hormones of cortisol and adrenaline. When this is occurring, it’s nearly impossible to think creatively or access your problem-solving skills and sense of humor. At this point, you are in fight, flight, or freeze mode and you are physiologically overwhelmed.

Flooding leads people to become so overwhelmed that they reject incoming information. Being soothed leads to the ability to take in information. The first step in dealing with flooding is to take a break and end the discussion. Now. If you keep going, you’ll find yourself escalating or imploding (stonewalling), neither of which will be productive. The break should last at least 20 minutes since it will take that long for your body to calm down. Many people find that the best approach to self-soothing is to focus on calming the body through deep breathing or meditative techniques.

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The Nature of a Good Break 1. It must be at least twenty minutes long. Why? Because the major sympathetic neurotransmitter norepinephrine doesn’t have an enzyme to degrade it, so it needs time to allow for it to be metabolized through the bloodstream. This process takes 20 minutes or more in the cardiovascular system. 2. It cannot involve thinking “distress maintaining” thoughts such as, “I don’t have to take this,” or, “I’m going to get even.” 3. It must involve a truly relaxing activity, such as listening to calming music or taking a walk around the block. Everyone is different: your idea of relaxation may be reading a fiction book, but someone else may be better off doing yoga or tinkering with their bicycle. Some people may need longer than 20 minutes. It can be up to 24 hours if that is how long it takes to truly calm down. Let your partner know when you think you will be ready to talk and never go more than 24 hours. Clarifying that you need a break and then coming back when you’ve calmed down, at an agreed upon time, will reassure the other person that you are trying to work through the issue rather than avoid it. The above steps also help avoid the abandonment trigger that can exist for some people when their partner storms out and there is no clarity on what the plan is or when they will be back. It is important that if one person asks for a break that it is honored. Take your break in a separate space from your partner (out of hearing and sight range).

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Large Group Exercise:

Relaxation Instructions: Stay in your seat and we will guide you through a brief relaxation exercise. Note: If you’d like to repeat this exercise at home, please use the following instructional passage as guidance. Doing this daily—breathing in and out slowly for as few as five rounds—will encourage a conditioned self-soothing effect. Focus on controlling your breathing. Usually when you feel flooded, you either hold your breath or breathe shallowly. So, close your eyes and focus on taking deep, regular breaths. Now, the first thing you need to do is focus on your breathing. Put your hand on your belly, and, as you take a nice deep breath in, push your hand out with your belly as if it is a balloon filling up with air. Then, as you exhale, keep your hand on your belly and feel your belly go in. Every time you take a nice deep breath in, feel your hand pushed outwards as your stomach expands. Then, as you exhale, notice your hand gently coming back in against your stomach as the breath leaves your body. Continue to breathe in this way. Take another nice deep breath in, and exhale. Another, and exhale. And then a last nice, deep breath in, and exhale. Now, continue to breathe normally. Naturally. Relax your muscles. Now, go through each of your muscles groups one at a time. Tightly squeeze each muscle group, without straining. You will hold for five seconds, then release. Starting at your feet and working up to your head. Lift your left leg up straight in front of you, pull your toe up towards your knee, and tense all the muscles in your left leg. Feel them tense, including your quadriceps and your calf muscles and now release your leg and drop your leg back down. Take another nice deep breath in. That’s it, good. Now, do the same with your right leg. Raise your right leg straight ahead of you. Pull your toe up towards your knee flexing your foot, and tighten all the muscles in your right leg. Feel really, really tight in your calves and quadriceps, hold it and then release your leg back down. Relaxing both legs and taking another nice deep breath in. Next, move to your lower back. Arch your lower back by pushing your belly out towards the opposite wall and pulling your shoulders back. Creating a nice arch in your back and feel the tension in that lower back—feel it tighten. And now, release back down and allow your back to just rest against the back of your chair or sofa. And just relax; let that chair really support you. The next step is raise both arms straight ahead of you and tense all the muscles in your arms by first clenching your fists really tightly, both fists. Then, stretch your fingers out towards the opposite wall, reaching for that opposite wall with all your strength. Good. Now, drop your arms back down to your lap. Take another nice deep breath in. Good. Now, raise your shoulders up shrugging your shoulders way up way towards your ears. Higher, higher, this is where you are holding lots and lots of pressure and burdens. Feel those shoulders lifting even higher and now drop your shoulders and circle them first one direction, and then circle them in the opposite direction. And just feel the relaxation in your shoulders as you take another nice deep breath in.

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Now move to the lower jaw. Clench your teeth tightly together, very tight, that’s it—that’s where we all hold lots of frustration. And now release, circling your lower jaw first one direction, and then the other direction. Good. Now, relax your jaw and simply drop your head to the side so that you are moving your right ear towards your right shoulder—giving your neck some stretch. That’s good, and now straighten your head up and drop the left ear towards the left shoulder. Stretching the other side of your neck now. That’s it. And now, returning your head to a straight position up and just relaxing your head now. Taking a nice deep breath in. And finally, close your eyes tightly shut, squeeze them tightly shut—as if you are shutting out the world and saying “no”—tight, tight. Very good. And now, simply relax your eyes, keeping your eyes lightly closed. Take another nice deep breath in, and imagine yourself under a warm waterfall. The water is pouring down over your head and body and rinsing away any remaining stress, any remaining tension in every little nook and cranny of your body. The water is flowing down, carrying all the remaining tension in your body down towards the earth, down over your head, down over your shoulders, down over your arms and the trunk of your body, down through your legs, down through your feet and down into the earth. Leaving you feeling very warm, and relaxed and comfortable. Another nice deep breath in. That’s it. Now imagine yourself going to a place where you feel completely at peace. It might be a place outside, or perhaps one that’s inside. It’s a place where you can be completely safe, where it’s beautiful, where it’s quiet, where it really feels like a sanctuary—where you can feel completely at peace. Notice the colors in this place, the shapes, look around you—see what’s in this place around you. Listen for any sounds that might be there in this place—are there any sounds? Feel the air on your skin, does it feel warm or does it feel cool? What feels best to you? Allow yourself to savor every bit of this experience—is there a fragrance with this place? Enjoy every aspect of this place. This is your sanctuary; this is your special place where you can always take yourself. Going deep inside, following your breath and letting yourself be completely relaxed and comfortable and at peace. Just enjoy now. And when you are ready, you can come back to the place where you are now, sitting. Slowly, when you feel ready, open your eyes, look around you and return to the here and now.

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Reflection Exercise:

Flooding To better understand flooding and how it affects you personally, ask yourself the following questions. Record your answers below. 1. What makes you feel flooded?

2. What are your body signs when you feel flooded? (Example: vision narrowing, chest tightening, fists clenching, palms sweating, etc.)

3. What role has flooding played in your past intimate relationships?

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D. Finding Common Ground: Compromise Circles Roadmap for Solving Problems: A. Soften your start-up. B. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. C. Soothe yourself and each other.

D. Compromise and find common ground.

Yield to Win Principle In order to engage in the compromise process without feeling overly compromised, you need to decide what you can’t compromise on. You should identify your core needs in the problem area you are discussing. Your core needs are the parts of your position on the issue that you are inflexible on. By defining this in the beginning, you won’t inadvertently accept a compromise that gives away something essential to you. For this to work, it helps to adopt the Aikido principle: yield to win. In the Japanese martial art Aikido, the idea is that direct opposition, two forces opposed, is a big mistake. We must yield to win. The truth for relationships is this: The more you can make concessions, the better able you’ll be to persuade your partner (or roommate, or friend, etc.). If you can be flexible and yield, sometimes it actually gives you more power! So, try hard to keep your flexible areas as broad as possible and your inflexible areas as small as possible.

Compromise Steps Define which solvable problem you would like to work on. In the inner circle on the next page, list aspects of the problem you can’t give in on—your nonnegotiable areas. This includes your minimal core needs, beliefs, or values about this issue. Your core needs are things you cannot give in on, or it would be like giving up the bones of your body. It’s perfectly normal to have these core needs. In the outer circle, list all the aspects of the problem you can compromise on. Take turns sharing what you wrote in your inner and outer circles. Focus on understanding and not yet seeking a solution. Say, “Help me understand why the things in the inner circle are so important to you?” Say, “Help me understand the parts you can compromise on.” Now work on coming up with a temporary or partial compromise by discussing the Yield to Win questions on the next page. Later you can re-evaluate your compromise to see if it’s working. The Seven Principles Singles Guide

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Yield to Win Questions Work on coming up with a compromise by discussing the questions below. The goal is to try to develop a common way of thinking about the issue so that you work together to construct a real plan that both people can live with. Use this for future situations in which compromise is needed. This can of course be utilized with a romantic partner, but also with another family member, a co-worker, etc. The visual aspect of this really helps, so if you don’t have this page handy you can simply draw two concentric circles. What do we agree about? 1. What feelings do we have in common? 2. What common goals do we have? 3. How can we accomplish these goals? 4. Our compromise that honors both of our needs and dreams is:

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Asp e

cts you c‌ an b e f lex ibl e on

As

on

ou can’t be flex y s i bl ct e pe

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Principle 6:

Overcome Gridlock

These skills are necessary components when ending gridlock not by solving the problem, but rather by learning to dialogue with your partner about the problem without hurting each other.

The goal is to identify the hidden dreams underneath the issue. Dreams come in many forms, from practical to profound. Our deepest dreams are often rooted in our childhood or from significant life experiences. They are often about how to handle money, disciplining children, housework, autonomy, seeking adventure, control issues, etc. When these hopes, dreams, or aspirations become blocked, relationship problems are more likely to become gridlocked. Remember from our earlier discussion that all relationships have perpetual problems. The difference lies in how couples approach these perpetual problems. While the Disasters often devolve into the Four Horsemen, the Masters of relationships know how to productively dialogue about their problems and minimize or prevent gridlock. On the following pages, we have listed the most common perpetual and gridlocked problems that were discovered over many years of research.

List of Common Perpetual and/or Gridlocked Problems: 1. Differences in neatness and organization. One person is neat and organized, and the other is sloppy and disorganized. 2. Differences in wanting time together versus time apart or alone. One person wants more time alone, while the other who wants more time together. 3. Differences in optimal sexual frequency. One person wants more sex than the other. 4. Differences in preferred lovemaking style. There are differences in what each person wants from lovemaking. One sees intimacy as a pre-condition to making love, while the other sees lovemaking as a path to intimacy. 5. Differences in handling finances. One person is much more financially conservative and perhaps a worrier, while the other wants to spend money more freely and has a philosophy of living more for the moment. 6. Differences concerning kin. One person wants more independence from family, while the other wants more closeness. 7. Differences in how to approach household chores. One person wants equal division of labor, while the other does not.

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8. Differences in how to raise and discipline children. One person is more involved with the children than the other. 9. Differences in how to raise and discipline children. One person is stricter with the children than another. 10. Differences in how to raise and discipline children. One person wants more gentleness and understanding with the children than the other. 11. Differences in punctuality. One person is habitually late, and the other finds it important to be on time. 12. Differences in preferred activity level. One person prefers active physical recreation, while the other is more passive and sedentary. 13. Differences in being people-oriented. One person is more extroverted and gregarious than the other. 14. Differences in preferred influence. One person prefers to be more dominant in decision-making than the other. 15. Differences in ambition and the importance of work. One person is far more ambitious and oriented to work and success than the other. 16. Differences in attitudes about work. One person may want to return to work, while the other person wants them to remain home with the children. Or one person feels their partner should work harder, longer hours or make more money. 17. Differences concerning religion. One person values religious observances or principles more than the other. 18. Differences concerning drugs and alcohol. One person is far more tolerant of drugs and alcohol than the other. 19. Differences in independence. One person feels a greater need to be independent than the other. 20. Differences in excitement. One person feels a greater need to have life be exciting or adventurous than the other.

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How Do You Know If Your Issue Is Gridlocked? •  Talking, talking, talking without making any headway. •  There’s no humor, empathy, or affection about the topic. •  Escalated quarrels, or avoiding talking altogether. •  You become more deeply entrenched in your positions. •  Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out or giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values, or sense of self.

Questions to Encourage Dialogue and Avoid Gridlock In the future, if you find yourself dealing with a perpetual or gridlocked problem with a significant other, we encourage you to ask the questions below. This is to be done in a speaker/listener format. It is important that the listener only asks questions, and waits until later when the roles are reversed to talk about their position on the issue. •  Is there a story behind this for you, or does it relate to your childhood history in some way? •  Tell me why this is so important to you •  What feelings do you have about this issue? •  What would be your ideal dream here? •  Is there a fear or disaster scenario in not having this dream honored? •  Is there a deeper purpose or goal in this for you? Once you more deeply understand the dreams within the issue for each person, you can use the compromise circles exercise from page 63. This will allow you to reach a partial or temporary compromise on at least some part of the bigger issue. Remember that you won’t be ‘solving’ the issue because by definition it is a perpetual/ongoing issue. The compromise exercise will allow you to keep coming back to the issue and continue the dialogue.

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Reflection Exercise:

Perpetual and Gridlocked Problems Explore the perpetual problems from your most significant romantic relationship, then answer below. What were your perpetual problems? Were any of them gridlocked?

Think about your own underlying need or needs on the most crucial perpetual issue. What was your dream underneath or within that issue?

How does that dream relate to your background, family history or other experiences?

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What do you need regarding this issue in a new romantic relationship?

Conflict Styles There are three main conflict styles: avoider, validator, and volatile. Avoider: They will shy away from conflict, and will avoid bringing up any issues or concerns. Conflict might scare this person, and they might get flooded or easily overwhelmed when conflict comes up. Avoiders also avoid persuasion and debate and would prefer to “agree to disagree” than engage in persuasion. Validator: They will bring up issues that are bothering them, but say it in a calm tone and emphasize the need to talk through the issue calmly. Volatile: They are more passionate when it comes to conflict. They aren’t bothered by intense emotion. They will be very up front with what is bothering them. They begin with persuasion and love to debate. An avoider paired with another avoider might work out just fine. A volatile with another volatile can be perfectly happy as well. A validator with either end of the spectrum might get along just fine. However, the mismatch of a volatile with an avoider is highly predictive of relationship distress when there is no therapeutic intervention. The goal for a mismatched couple would be to enter into dialogue rather than remaining gridlocked, and it can help to seek the guidance of a therapist.

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Reflection Exercise:

Style of Conflict What was the overall style of conflict in your family of origin?

What do you believe your style of conflict is?

How did differences in conflict styles affect a past relationship?

Meta-Emotion Styles One thing that can come up as an issue between partners is a meta-emotion mismatch. What do we mean by meta-emotions? “Meta-emotion” is how we feel about feelings. For example, how do you feel about the expression of sadness or fear, or anger? How comfortable are you with the expression of love and pride? We all have an emotional heritage, which is a result of our family upbringing and the emotional climate in that home. The three main styles are: emotion dismissing, emotion disapproving, and emotion coaching or validating. Emotion Dismissing: My family member was uncomfortable displaying or talking about the emotion, tried to either not show, minimize, or to quickly dispel these emotions in themselves and others. Emotion Disapproving: My family member was harsh, disapproving, and negative about the expression of or talking about these emotions in themselves and others. Emotion Coaching: My family member was comfortable with the expression of these emotions as well as talking about, exploring, and understanding emotions in themselves and others. When someone from an emotion coaching background meets up with a person who is emotionally dismissing or disapproving, it can wreak havoc on their relationship. Someone who is comfortable with emotion may be able to support and validate their partner’s emotions, while freely expressing their own sadness, fear, disappointment, and joy. The person who is emotion dismissing or disapproving may have a bad reaction to the expression of emotion. It could be that emotion feels out of control or that emotion is seen as being used to “get your way.” The world of emotion might feel scary and foreign to the person who came from an emotionally barren environment, while the emotion coach is at ease and confident while expressing and supporting emotion.

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Reflection Exercise:

Meta Emotions What was the overall view of emotions in your house growing up?

What is your meta-emotions style and how has that style affected your past romantic relationships?

What are you looking for in a partner in terms of meta-emotion style?

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Principle 7:

Create Shared Meaning

You may have been in a relationship in the past and felt that things were going okay, but there was something missing. This is where shared meaning comes in. While shared meaning is related to the friendship system (the first three principles), it’s about going deeper—connecting on that deeper, more meaningful level.

Developing a culture of shared meaning in your future relationship doesn’t mean that you have to see eye to eye on every aspect of your partner’s philosophy, rituals*, or needs. Instead, there is a meshing. You find a way of honoring each other’s dreams, even if you don’t always share them. The culture that you will develop together should incorporate both of your dreams, and be flexible enough to change as you both grow and develop individually and together. In Dr. Gottman’s work with couples, he identified four critical pillars of shared meaning: rituals of connection, supporting each other’s roles, shared goals, and shared values and symbols. When couples build these together, they enrich, strengthen, and fortify their relationship and lives together. The four-part exercise that follows offers a list of questions for you to answer to help you better understand how rituals of connection, roles, goals, and values and symbols function in your life. By knowing yourself better, you better position yourself to find a partner that you can create shared meaning with.

* A Ritual of Connection is a method of Turning Toward one another that is reliable and can be counted on. An example of this is discussing the highs and lows of your day every evening at dinner. This is a ritual of connection that you can count on daily. A Ritual of Connection needs to be thought out and planned. When will it happen? How often? Where?

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Pillar One: Rituals of Connection In successful relationships, the Masters have established rituals of connection. These are things they do on a daily or somewhat regular basis that allow them to count on the fact that they will connect in a meaningful way. Rituals of connection might include: •  A reunion at the end of the day where they talk over tea about the highs and lows of their day •  A bedtime ritual when they read out loud to each other •  Not leaving in the morning without learning one thing that will happen in their partner’s day Here are some more examples of what we call rituals: •  The way you want to be treated when you are sick •  How you celebrate different holidays •  How you celebrate success •  How you become refreshed and renewed when stressed •  How you celebrate birthdays or anniversaries •  How you like to entertain in the home •  Planning vacations or getaways •  Expressing appreciations What are some rituals in your life that you cherish? These could be from childhood or ones that you’ve created yourself. Why are the meaningful or important to you?

Note: There is a Rituals of Connection card deck available at www.gottman.com that can help guide you in the process of creating a ritual that works for you and your partner.

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Pillar Two: Supporting Each Other’s Roles Our roles in life are important to our sense of self. If you are a hard worker and get satisfaction from a job well done, then you highly value your role as a worker. You may highly value being supportive to your siblings, so your role as brother or sister is very important to you. The more you can talk frankly to your partner about your deeply held views regarding your roles in life, the more likely you are to reach a consensus on how roles make sense in the partnership. Below is a list of several common roles. Read through the roles and choose one that resonates strongly to you right now. Then, answer the following questions. Here are some examples of what we call roles: Son/daughter Worker (occupation) Parent Friend Sibling

Member of your community

Which roles are most meaningful to you?

How was this role modeled in your family of origin?

How would you like this role to function in a future relationship? How would you like your partner to support this role?

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Pillar Three: Life Goals It is also important to have a clear sense of what your goals are in life. This may help as you enter into a new relationship, and is helpful to discuss with a potential mate. 1. What are you trying to accomplish in your lifetime?

2. What changes might you need to make in your life to accomplish your goals?

3. How do you see a romantic partner fitting into your goals?

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Pillar Four: Values and Symbols Values and beliefs form the final pillar of shared meaning in a relationship. Symbols are a way of showing what values are important to you. For example, if family is important, then having a family portrait in your entryway is a way to show that. Here are some examples of what we call symbols: •  What home means to you •  What love and affection mean in your life •  What autonomy or independence means to you •  The importance of money •  What being a member of a family means to you 1. What symbols (photos, objects) show who you are in the world and what you value most?

2. What does a home mean to you? What qualities must it have? What was the experience of home like for you during childhood?

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3. How do you want a partner to support your values and symbols?

What Is True Love? Dr. Gottman suggests that true love is finding someone you can cherish and then being grateful that person is in your life. Find that person who you can share a solid trust and love with even when there are setbacks or grievances.

Is This the Real Thing? In the appendix, you will find a quiz that you can take to discover if you are in a relationship that is solid and if your new or potential mate is a keeper.

Next Steps Remember to use these principles you have learned to enhance your romantic relationships, as well as your friendships and family interactions. Use the exercises that might help with people in your life, and remember to finish the exercises that are labeled “Reflection Exercise” since these will help you reflect on what you learned today and carry the information into your daily life.

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Final Review of the Seven Principles

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Reflection Exercise:

An Exercise in Thanksgiving Step 1: For one week, try to be conscious of our learned human tendency to criticize. Instead, practice reminding yourself of the small wonders of life, to focus on the good, and to notice positive contributions that both you and others are making to the world. Search for reasons to praise. Begin with the simple things: Appreciate your own breath. The sunrise and sunset. The clean smell after it rains. The taste of a crisp apple. Praise the world by uttering words—silent or aloud—of thanksgiving for these small wonders in your day. This will begin to shift your focus away from the negative!

Step 2: Now, for an entire week offer someone in your life at least one genuine, heartfelt statement of praise each day. Notice how this affects the bond you have with that person. Notice how this exercise makes you feel. At the end of the week, extend the exercise one more day. Then another day. Then another! Begin to expand the exercise by offering even more people in your life these genuine, heartfelt statements of praise. Don’t be phony or fake! Offer this thoughtful praise to your children. To your barista at your favorite coffee shop. To your new neighbor. Practice looking for those special qualities that you appreciate in others. Enjoy them! And practice verbalizing these appreciations. Notice the big change this enacts in your life and the lives of those around you.

Thank you for attending! Go forth and spread love, empathy, and happiness.

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Appendix Quiz: Is This the Real Thing? (This can be found on p. 238-242 of What Makes Love Last by John Gottman.) Instructions: For the following items, circle either SD for Strongly Disagree, D for Disagree, N for Neither Agree nor Disagree, A for Agree, and SA for Strongly Agree. 1. I fully trust my partner.

SD  D  N  A  SA

2. My partner fully trusts me.

SD  D  N  A  SA

3. I trust my partner during lovemaking.

SD  D  N  A  SA

4. I feel safe with my partner.

SD  D  N  A  SA

5. My partner feels safe with me.

SD  D  N  A  SA

6. I am strongly attached to my partner.

SD  D  N  A  SA

7. My partner has a strong attachment to me.

SD  D  N  A  SA

8. I keep no secrets from my partner.

SD  D  N  A  SA

9. My partner keeps no secrets from me.

SD  D  N  A  SA

10. We comfort each other well.

SD  D  N  A  SA

11. I feel loved by my partner.

SD  D  N  A  SA

12. My partner makes me happy.

SD  D  N  A  SA

13. I make my partner happy.

SD  D  N  A  SA

14. I would say that I love my partner.

SD  D  N  A  SA

15. I am currently “in love” with my partner.

SD  D  N  A  SA

16. My partner is currently “in love” with me.

SD  D  N  A  SA

17. My cost-benefit analysis of this relationship is mostly benefit, not cost.

SD  D  N  A  SA

18. I am fully committed to my partner.

SD  D  N  A  SA

19. My partner is fully committed to me.

SD  D  N  A  SA

20. I have forsaken all others sexually.

SD  D  N  A  SA

21. My partner has forsaken all others sexually.

SD  D  N  A  SA

22. My love is not conditional [dependent on anything].

SD  D  N  A  SA

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23. My partner’s love is not conditional [dependent on anything].

SD  D  N  A  SA

24. My partner makes me laugh.

SD  D  N  A  SA

25. I make my partner laugh.

SD  D  N  A  SA

26. We don’t make each other jealous.

SD  D  N  A  SA

27. We love kissing each other.

SD  D  N  A  SA

28. We have a sense of moral responsibility for one another.

SD  D  N  A  SA

29. We love most of the same things.

SD  D  N  A  SA

30. I love the way my partner’s mind works.

SD  D  N  A  SA

31. My partner loves the way my mind works.

SD  D  N  A  SA

32. I love the way my partner smells and tastes.

SD  D  N  A  SA

33. My partner loves the way I smell and taste.

SD  D  N  A  SA

34. We support one another’s work.

SD  D  N  A  SA

35. It’s easy for us to be together.

SD  D  N  A  SA

36. We are there for one another financially.

SD  D  N  A  SA

37. We often share excitement and joy.

SD  D  N  A  SA

38. I love the way my partner treats other people.

SD  D  N  A  SA

39. We often soothe one another.

SD  D  N  A  SA

40. We help each other with life’s stresses and pains.

SD  D  N  A  SA

41. We help each other to be the person we each want to be.

SD  D  N  A  SA

42. We see, acknowledge, and enhance one another’s goodness.

SD  D  N  A  SA

43. We love giving presents to one another.

SD  D  N  A  SA

44. We have built a life together we both highly value.

SD  D  N  A  SA

45. My partner turns toward me when I am in need.

SD  D  N  A  SA

46. I can turn toward my partner when I am in need.

SD  D  N  A  SA

47. I can depend on my partner.

SD  D  N  A  SA

48. I am sexually attracted to my partner.

SD  D  N  A  SA

49. I feel desired by my partner.

SD  D  N  A  SA

50. I am sexually satisfied in this relationship.

SD  D  N  A  SA

51. We are concerned about one another’s health.

SD  D  N  A  SA

52. If I do something nice for my partner, I can count on my partner doing something nice for me.

SD  D  N  A  SA

53. We have built a life together with purpose and meaning.

SD  D  N  A  SA

54. We have a history together we both value.

SD  D  N  A  SA

55. We have built a group of friends we both care about.

SD  D  N  A  SA

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56. We know and have the same understanding about our kin [primary families].

SD D N A SA

57. My partner knows and respects my dreams.

SD  D  N  A  SA

58. I know and respect my partner’s dreams.

SD  D  N  A  SA

59. My partner knows and accepts my preferences.

SD  D  N  A  SA

60. My partner understands me.

SD  D  N  A  SA

61. There are no unfair power imbalances in our relationship.

SD  D  N  A  SA

62. We help heal one another’s past hurts.

SD  D  N  A  SA

63. We know and respect one another’s enduring vulnerabilities.

SD  D  N  A  SA

64. I can keep anger in control and not hurt my partner very much.

SD  D  N  A  SA

65. My partner can keep anger in control and not hurt me very much. SD  D  N  A  SA 66. My partner is not very defensive.

SD  D  N  A  SA

67. We accept one another’s personalities, including faults.

SD  D  N  A  SA

68. My partner can accept influence from me.

SD  D  N  A  SA

69. We share power fairly.

SD  D  N  A  SA

70. I can be myself with my partner.

SD  D  N  A  SA

71. I like who I am when with my partner.

SD  D  N  A  SA

72. My partner can admit being wrong.

SD  D  N  A  SA

73. We can easily talk about anything.

SD  D  N  A  SA

74. It’s easy to be together.

SD  D  N  A  SA

75. We often have intimate conversations.

SD  D  N  A  SA

76. I love to touch my partner.

SD  D  N  A  SA

77. My partner loves touching me.

SD  D  N  A  SA

78. My partner is my close friend.

SD  D  N  A  SA

79. We know and support one another’s dreams in life.

SD  D  N  A  SA

80. We have a lot of fun together.

SD  D  N  A  SA

81. We are very sensual with one another.

SD  D  N  A  SA

82. We love to learn together.

SD  D  N  A  SA

83. We help renew each other when we are burned out.

SD  D  N  A  SA

84. I love our vacations.

SD  D  N  A  SA

85. We are very emotionally in tune with one another.

SD  D  N  A  SA

86. There is lots of fondness and affection between us.

SD  D  N  A  SA

87. My partner admires and respects me.

SD  D  N  A  SA

88. We respect each other’s separateness.

SD  D  N  A  SA

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89. We enjoy food together.

SD  D  N  A  SA

90. We forgive one another.

SD  D  N  A  SA

91. I feel confident we can work out our differences.

SD  D  N  A  SA

92. We fight constructively.

SD  D  N  A  SA

93. We can compromise and solve problems together.

SD  D  N  A  SA

94. We can cope with life’s stresses together.

SD  D  N  A  SA

95. We continue to court one another.

SD  D  N  A  SA

96. We love to plan and dream together.

SD  D  N  A  SA

97. I think we can get through any adversity.

SD  D  N  A  SA

98. We are definitely a “we,” rather than two “me’s”.

SD  D  N  A  SA

99. My partner thinks about what I need.

SD  D  N  A  SA

100. I miss my partner when we are apart.

SD  D  N  A  SA

101. I am usually delighted to see my partner upon reunion.

SD  D  N  A  SA

102. I want to meet my partner’s needs.

SD  D  N  A  SA

103. My partner wants to meet my needs.

SD  D  N  A  SA

104. We operate with a sense of fairness.

SD  D  N  A  SA

105. We are a real team.

SD  D  N  A  SA

106. I can name a lot of my partner’s positive qualities.

SD  D  N  A  SA

107. My partner’s irritability is usually temporary.

SD  D  N  A  SA

108. My partner is not very distant emotionally.

SD  D  N  A  SA

109. I have empathy for my partner’s pain.

SD  D  N  A  SA

110. My partner has empathy for my pain.

SD  D  N  A  SA

111. We each believe we are better than anything else out there.

SD  D  N  A  SA

112. We have similar values and my partner respects my beliefs.

SD  D  N  A  SA

113. We share a sense of meaning and life dreams.

SD  D  N  A  SA

114. We intensely love many of the same things.

SD  D  N  A  SA

115. My partner takes care of me when I am sick.

SD  D  N  A  SA

116. I take care of my partner when my partner is sick.

SD  D  N  A  SA

117. We have a holiday cycle we value and support.

SD  D  N  A  SA

118. We agree on what home means.

SD  D  N  A  SA

119. We support each other’s cultural and religious values.

SD  D  N  A  SA

120. Our relationship keeps getting better over time.

SD  D  N  A  SA

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Scoring SA number of answers = _______

Multiply by 5 = _______

A number of answers = _______

Multiply by 4 = _______

N number of answers = _______

Multiply by 3 = _______

D number of answers = _______

Multiply by 2 = _______

SD number of answers = _______

Multiply by 1 = _______



TOTAL  = _______

If you and your partner both score 450 or more, your relationship is a keeper!

The Seven Principles Singles Guide

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Exercise:

Meta-Emotions Questionnaire Let’s start our learning journey by first understanding our beginnings. With greater knowledge of our origins, we can pinpoint what will be helpful to change. Instructions: Fill out the following questionnaire by thinking about your own childhood. Refer to the definitions of parenting styles for dealing with emotions on the previous page. 5= strongly agree,  4 = agree,  3 = neutral,  2 = disagree,  1 = strongly disagree

Sadness Sadness includes feeling disappointed, hurt, or having the experience of failure, grief, rejection, or loss. Think about whether there was comfort and emotional presence during sad moments. Think about how you or your parents handled feelings of sadness when you were a child: I felt comfortable talking to my parents about feeling sad as a child. 5 4 3 2 1 I was pleased by how my parents responded to me when I was sad as a child. 5 4 3 2 1 I felt comfortable when my parents showed me that they felt sad. 5 4 3 2 1 My parents were good at comforting me when I was sad as a child. 5 4 3 2 1 Overall, my experience with sadness while growing up was: _________ Dismissing  ________ Disapproving  ________ Emotion Coaching Which parent or parent figure could you talk to most easily about sadness?

Anger Anger includes experiencing irritability, frustration, rage, having one’s goals blocked, and feeling criticized by others, or how you may have felt when others were unfair or demanded perfection from you. Think about how you or your parents handled feelings of anger when you were a child: I felt comfortable talking to my parents about feeling angry. 5 4 3 2 1

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I was pleased by how my parents responded to me when I was angry as a child. 5 4 3 2 1 I felt comfortable when my parents showed me that they felt angry. 5 4 3 2 1 My parents were good at understanding and comforting me when I was angry as a child. 5 4 3 2 1 Overall, my experience with anger while growing up was: _________ Dismissing  ________ Disapproving  ________Emotion Coaching Which parent or parent figure could you talk to most easily about anger?

Fear Fear includes feeling nervous, unsafe, apprehensive, stressed, or scared as opposed to feeling calm and relaxed. Think about how you or your parents handled feelings of fear when you were a child: I felt comfortable talking to my parents about feeling scared or anxious. 5 4 3 2 1 I was pleased by how my parents responded to me when I was feeling scared as a child. 5 4 3 2 1 I often saw my parents express their own anxiety, worry or fear and it was okay. 5 4 3 2 1 I was generally comforted by my parents whenever I was worried, afraid or anxious. 5 4 3 2 1 Overall, my experience with fear while growing up was: _________ Dismissing  ________ Disapproving  ________ Emotion Coaching Which parent or parent figure could you talk to most easily about fear?

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Affection Affection includes verbal affection, warmth, displays of love, hugs, kisses and non-sexual touch, delight upon reunion when you’ve been apart, kind words and compliments as opposed to expressing coldness. Think about how you or your parents handled feelings of affection when you were a child: My parents were very affectionate towards me when I was a child. 5 4 3 2 1 It was easy for me to seek and receive affection from my parents when I was as child. 5 4 3 2 1 I often saw my parents express affection towards each other when I was a child. 5 4 3 2 1 I am very comfortable being affectionate towards my partner and children now. 5 4 3 2 1 Overall, my experience with affection while growing up was: _________ Dismissing  ________ Disapproving  ________ Emotion Coaching Which parent or parent figure gave you the most affection?

Pride Pride includes feeling proud of something you accomplished. It is expressed by words, a smile or non-verbal ways that convey respect and admiration. Pride also refers to having someone make you feel good about yourself rather than expressing contempt or shame. Think about how you or your parents handled feelings of pride when you were a child: My parents often showed me that they were proud of me. 5 4 3 2 1 I was pleased by how my parents responded to me when I was feeling proud of myself. 5 4 3 2 1 I could always talk to my parents about my successes as a child. 5 4 3 2 1 I often saw my parents express pride in one another’s accomplishments. 5 4 3 2 1 Overall, my experience with pride while growing up was: _________ Dismissing  ________ Disapproving  ________ Emotion Coaching

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Which parent or parent figure showed you/gave you the most pride?

Negative Emotions Negative Emotions include feelings of upset, distress, anxiety, panic, loneliness, fear, grief, and pain. Think about how you or your parents handled negative emotion when you were a child: While growing up, my family was very emotionally expressive. 5 4 3 2 1 As a child, it was fine for me to show my strong negative emotions, like my anger/unhappiness. 5 4 3 2 1 My parents thought it was important to express our emotions or feelings. 5 4 3 2 1 I often saw my parents talking to one another about their feelings. 5 4 3 2 1 Overall, my experience with negative emotions while growing up was:
 _________ Dismissing  ________ Disapproving  ________ Emotion Coaching Which parent figure allowed you to express the most negative emotion?

Positive Emotions Positive Emotions include interest, excitement, adventure, discovery, curiosity, feeling carefree, delight, joy, etc. For example, when you were really interested in something, could you talk about it with your parents? Think about how you or your parents handled positive emotion when you were a child: I felt comfortable talking to my parents when I was feeling these positive emotions (for example, when I wanted adventure or play). 5 4 3 2 1 As a child, it was fine for me to show my strong positive emotions, to be exuberant or show passion for something. 5 4 3 2 1 My parents thought it was important to express feeling strongly or excited about something. 5 4 3 2 1

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I often saw my parents expressing strong positive emotions like excitement, silliness, playfulness, and joy. 5 4 3 2 1 Overall, my experience with positive emotions while growing up was:
 _________ Dismissing  ________ Disapproving  ________ Emotion Coaching Which parent figure allowed you to express the most positive emotion?

Review your check marks. Overall, my family tended to fall into:
 _________ Dismissing  ________ Disapproving  ________ Emotion Coaching

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References 1 Cohen, S., Frank, E., Doyle, W. J., Skoner, D. P., Rabin, B. S., and Gwaltney, J. M., Jr. (1998). Types of stressors that increase susceptibility to the common cold in healthy adults. Health Psychology, 17: 214–223. 2 Cacioppo, J. T., Hawkley, L. C., Crawford, L. E., Ernst, J. M., Burleson, M. H., Kowalewski, R. B., and Berntson, G. G. (2002). Loneliness and Health: Potential mechanisms. Psychosomatic Medicine, 64: 40. 3 Berkman, L.F. & Syme S.L. (1979). Social Networks, Host Resistance, and Mortality: A Nine-year Follow-up Study of Alameda County Residents. American Journal of Epidemiology, 109: 186–204. 4 Wedekind, Claus, Seebeck, Thomas, Bettens, Florence, & Paepke, Alexander J. (1995). MHC-Dependent Preferences in Humans. Proceedings of the Royal Society of London, 260: 245–49. 5 Roberts, S.C., Little, A.C., Gosling, L.M., Perrett, D.I., Carter, V., Jones, B.C., Penton-Voak, I.S., Petrie, M. (2005). MHC-heterozygosity and human facial attractiveness. Evolution and Human Behavior. 26: 213­–226. 6 Baumgartner, Thomas, Vonlanthen, Aline, Fischbacher, Urs (2008). Oxytocin Shapes the Neural Circuitry of Trust and Trust Adaptation in Humans. Neuron, 58(4): 639–650. 7 Gottman, John & Silver, Nan (2012). What Makes Love Last. New York: Simon & Schuster. ISBN 1451608489. 8 Cloud, Henry & Townsend, John (2016). Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t. Grand Rapids: Zondervan. ISBN 0310345794. 9 Iyengar, Sheena & Lepper, Mark (2000). When Choice is Demotivating: Can one desire too much of a good thing? Journal of Personality & Social Psychology, 79(6): 995. 10 Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J., & Gino, F. (2017). It doesn’t hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3): 430-452. 11 Eli Finkel, Paul Eastwick, Benjamin Karney, Harry Reis, and Susan Sprecher (2012). Online Dating: A Critical Analysis From the Perspective of Psychological Science. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 13(1): 3–66. 12 Eastwick, P. W., & Hunt, L. L. (2014). Relational mate value: Consensus and uniqueness in romantic evaluations. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 106(5): 728–751. 13 Wile, Daniel B. (2008). After the Honeymoon: How Conflict Can Improve Your Relationship. Publisher: Daniel Wile. ISBN: 0979563909.

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Other Gottman Products You May Enjoy The Art and Science of Love Home Study Workshop The Art and Science of Lovemaking: Gott Sex? Series How to Make Relationships Work Relationship Guides Love Map & Open-Ended card decks Rituals of Connection & Opportunity card decks Salsa card deck 52 Questions Before Marriage or Moving In card deck Repair Checklist & Four Horsemen mini-poster Sound Relationship House magnets

Popular Books by John Gottman and/or Julie Gottman What Makes Love Last The Man’s Guide to Women And Baby Makes Three The Relationship Cure 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage Why Marriages Succeed or Fail How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child

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