Bust A play by Sonny Sidhu 16 February 2009 Stage setting A McMansion-style kitchen, with shiny, oversized appliances, glass-front cabinets lit from within, and an endless, granitetop center island lined with stools. At the far left end of the stage is a faux-antique breakfast nook built around a massive pedestal table, which is set with four places for dinner. Cast of characters (in order of appearance) Traci - woman of the house Zoe - daughter, age 15 Todd - son, age 20 Brian - man of the house Lee - Brian’s colleague Police Officer #1 - young male Police Officer #2 - older male Firemen - five, all male Paramedics - three, male and female Traci busies herself, vaguely, at the center island, which is covered with various utensils and opened bags, jars, and bottles of food. A whole roasted chicken rests upon the countertop. Zoe texts on one of the stools. ZOE What did you need me for, exactly? TRACI (Knocking over jars, upending bottles) Help me with the--your father should be home in--have you seen that piece of--here it is. Are you listening to me? Any minute now. What time is it? I dunno.
ZOE
TRACI Help me get all this crap in the oven. Probably hasn’t eaten a good meal all week... Where is your brother? What-(Picking up a bag of salad and throwing it into the sink) This is garbage now. How long does it take to heat up the-what did I get, chicken? Will you help me, here? ZOE Jesus, Mom. Why did you even--I can’t, like, cook.
2.
TRACI Your father is gonna be here any minute. Read those to me, off the thing, the instructions. What does it say to do? ZOE Conventional oven or toaster oven or microwave? Oven, oven.
TRACI
ZOE One, preheat oven to four hundred and fifty degrees. Two-TRACI OK, good. We’ll skip that. What’s two? ZOE I was going to say. Two. Broil in oven-safe dish until... I can’t see what it says because you ripped it up. Until done. TRACI Oven-safe, oven-safe... (Rummaging through cabinets, throwing pots and pans onto the floor) Is this oven-safe? No. This? (Wielding Pyrex) I’m going to put all the vegetables and crap I got in this and just throw the chicken on top of it, let it all cook. (Pouring containers into the dish while cradling the chicken under one arm like a football, then throwing the chicken in with a magnificent splash) Go get your brother, tell him dinner is almost ready. Why can’t you.
ZOE
TRACI He hasn’t seen you in a week, you’d think you would be the least bit-- Does it matter where you stick the thermometer? Todd he hasn’t seen since we dropped him off... open the oven for me. ZOE God, alright, hold on a minute. (She pockets the phone and stomps over to Traci and the oven, flinging open the door.) TODD! He’s just outside, smoking one of his cigarettes, probably. He smokes. I bet you didn’t know that.
3.
TRACI Don’t tell on your brother. Can you please go get him and tell him he needs to--
I’ll call him.
ZOE (Dialing) Pause.
TRACI He said he had big news when I talked to him this morning. That’s why I’m cooking this big-Shut up, it’s ringing.
ZOE Pause.
ZOE Hey, retard, Mom says you gotta come for dinner. You better come when you get this. I know you’re ignoring me. Bye. (To Traci) He wasn’t there. TRACI Where could he-- It was supposed to be a surprise, when your father got here... Todd coming all the way up... Call him again. You call him.
ZOE Pause.
TRACI You know I hate it when your father goes off to these things and leaves me with all the work. And you. “Retreat.” When do I get a retreat? Should I have set a timer? ZOE You had one, for Valentine’s. Last month, Mom, God. You wouldn’t stop talking about the spa. TRACI Well it was terrible, the worst one I’ve ever been to. I gave him an earful after that. Sending me to some cheap place. And he tried to tell me it was the economy. Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was the-Enter Todd.
4.
ZOE God, you smell like farts. What is that? TODD It’s Tag. The body spray. Tag?
ZOE
(Gagging, spitting on the countertop) Why can’t you use Axe like a normal person. TRACI Todd, your father is almost here. I want you washed up. He doesn’t know you’re going to be here. TODD My car is in the driveway. Sounds of a car approaching, stopping. Doors slamming. TRACI Jesus Christ. Well, too late now. This damn chicken, how can you even tell if it already looks cooked when you buy it? It’s so stupid. What time is it? It’s early. Enter Brian and Lee. LEE Well eventually we’re all gonna be taking dumps in a bucket. But who woulda thought Iceland would be the first to go? BRIAN Somebody’s gotta be the first. Krona’s been in the basement a long time. (To Traci:) Hey, hon. Listen, is it alright if Lee here eats with us tonight? I told him he could eat dinner here. ‘Lo there Trace.
LEE
TRACI Um, hi. Baby, look who’s here! (Indicating Todd.) Aren’t you excited! BRIAN Well, hey, kiddo! What do you say, Todd-O. Zoe, baby. Traci, can I talk with you for a second over there?
5.
Traci and Brian walk to the far end of the center island. ZOE What are you, one of Dad’s work friends? LEE Could say that. You must be the girl. BRIAN Babe, Lee got let go. Just like that they dropped him. Layoffs everywhere. He just needs to have a place to sit and plan for a bit. I told him he could come over here tonight and eat. TODD How’s it going. I’m Todd. TRACI Well, that’s terrible. But... when did this even happen, didn’t you both just get back from the airport? LEE Pleased to meet you. Weren’t you going to college? I’m visiting.
TODD
BRIAN It’s a long story. Listen, we got enough food, right baby? (To Lee.) Lee, have a seat, man. (He kisses Traci.) I love you, baby. We got a lot to talk about. That all smells delicious. What, did you cook? Mmm. (To Lee.) Hey bud you wanna beer? I got Stellas. Oh yeah. Todd? Huh? Yeah! What?!
LEE BRIAN TODD ZOE
BRIAN (Going to the fridge.) Three crispy Stellas...
6.
TRACI Are you giving him alcohol? BRIAN Aw, lighten up, babe. Boy’s in college. TODD Yeah, come on, Mom. Jesus Christ. BRIAN Crispy Stellas, crispy Stellas... All this calls for crispy Stellas. Comin’ up! Todd, Brian, and Lee converge upon the kitchen table. TODD
Thanks, Pop!
Todd starts chugging his beer. TRACI What is going on, here? Let me get the chicken. Zoe, will you put another place down on the table? Why do I have to do it?
ZOE
BRIAN Zo’, listen to your mother. (To Lee.) But going back to our conversation from before, you know somebody up there had to feel it when the bottom started falling out. Put all their money in, what is it they got up there?
Where? Iceland.
Bands.
TODD (Dribbling foam.) LEE TODD (Having finished his beer.)
ZOE (Rummaging through cabinets, throwing pots and pans onto the floor) Where do you keep the plates? Oh.
7.
TODD What happened in Iceland? Total collapse. Complete meltdown.
LEE BRIAN
LEE Just wait and see, too. There is no local anymore. This thing will not be contained. TRACI Chicken’s ready! So was the hotel any good, tell us, how was it? What was the retreat about? BRIAN We’re talking, one minute. What I think is, they should’ve been onto it the second the government started flailing. LEE Well, look at us, we’re flailing. Well.
BRIAN
TRACI (Arriving with the chicken) Come on, Zoe! Dinner’s on the table. Get the Coke. What are you looking for? ZOE Where do you keep the stupid... Honestly. The forks. And spoons. The knives are in here. Why aren’t they right in here? TRACI To the left. You’re making our guest wait. That’s OK.
LEE
(To Zoe.) You’re OK, babe. ZOE (Slamming his plate and silverware down on the table.) I don’t know you. Dad, did you know for the field trip to New York we all gotta have our five hundred dollars in by Friday or else you can’t go?
8.
BRIAN Now, hold on with all that. I, we got some big news to share. TRACI Yeah, you were saying. I’ve been dying all day. TODD Can I have another beer Dad? No. Brian--
TRACI
BRIAN If you can get it from the fridge you can. I don’t like this!
TRACI
LEE I remember my first beer... TRACI Well, what’s the news? Jesus Christ already! BRIAN First let’s dish out this bird, what say? Where’s the cutters? Zo’, baby, can you get me the cutters from over there? I don’t know where your mom keeps them. ZOE No, Todd is already up. Todd, get the cutters. TODD I don’t know where any of that crap is! By the sink.
TRACI
TODD (Rummaging through the drawer, tossing utensils onto the ground.) Oh. These ones? BRIAN Yeah, bring them here. Let’s get this bird cut up. Say, Trace, this chicken local? Todd returns with the cutters and a new beer, which he promptly begins chugging.
9.
Brian tears distractedly into the chicken, picking up sections of it and dropping them onto the various plates. TRACI I don’t know. You know I do all the shopping at Whole Foods. All that stuff is organic, you know, whatever it is they say. They have the stickers. Not organic, local.
BRIAN
TRACI Whatever. How should I know? LEE Lotta difference between organic and local. You know how much it takes to ship a chicken? Keep it frozen? TRACI No, I don’t-- why does it matter? Everything matters.
LEE
TRACI What’s this news? I swear if somebody doesn’t tell me-This is cold. We’re moving!
ZOE BRIAN Long pause.
What? Since when?
TRACI ZOE
BRIAN We gotta ditch this relic! TRACI Have you gone crazy? We just finished-Cheers to that!
LEE
TODD Cheers, man! Where are you guys going?
10.
TRACI What, did you get transferred? Promoted? What, tell us, what happened at the retreat? BRIAN The what? Oh. Right. The retreat, yeah, I dunno. But listen-TRACI What do you mean, “I dunno.” What about Lee? Did you get... Oh my God. Laid off? No.
BRIAN
TRACI Thank God. I’m sorry, Lee. BRIAN Hell, no, I got out of there before they could even try to let me go. The whole thing’s ending, baby. Show’s over. No reason to stick around, for me. Good riddance!
LEE
ZOE So Dad quit his job? Great. TRACI Quiet, Zoe. Brian, you better start talking. Who’s moving. How could you do that? You idiot! Now, hold on...
LEE
BRIAN I’ll take it from here, man. It’s not complicated, Trace. You see, it’s curtains. For all these guys. Their party’s over. Lee’s been showing me what’s what. TODD (Getting up.) This chicken’s cold. Anybody want another beer? LEE Yeah I’ll have one. One for your old man, too. BRIAN Everybody’s talking about the economy. Economy this, economy that, what’s gonna happen, is it up, is it down, should we bail it out, how long’s it gonna take to save, how much do we put into it, you know, the whole deal. Nobody’s stepping back and taking a look at the big picture.
11.
Big picture is, this is it. Whole thing’s gonna grind to a halt. This is just the endgame. This is just moving pieces around. Todd returns with three beers. LEE (Lifting his bottle.) Check, no checkmate! Get wasted!
TODD Todd and Lee chug their beers.
TRACI You’re bullshitting, Brian. What happened to your JOB. BRIAN My job? I mean, look what happened to Lee. That could’ve been me just as easy. Management, we’re not safe anymore. We’re the first to go. “Efficiency.” Ha.
LEE
BRIAN They don’t get it. They’ll never be efficient, that’s not their game. The game is, they skim off the inefficiencies in everything, that’s what they eat. It’s all paper. Little strips of make-believe. If everything added up it’d be the end of their world! But now the cat’s out of the bag, so the sky is falling on them, now they wake up. Guy like Lee here means nothing to them. ZOE Mom, is Dad going nuts or something? TRACI No, honey. Quitting your job because you might get fired is what healthy people do. Brian, you’ve got about two more seconds to start telling me what’s going on. BRIAN Nuts, ha. That girl’s a sharp one. I’ll tell you what’s nuts, is that not six months ago, me and Lee here woulda been the only ones in the room knew what you were talking about if you brought up the idea of a credit default swap. Now everybody throws “credit default swap” around like they know the score, like that’s all that did it. And you know what? Not one person actually knows the concept behind it, but whatever. That’s neither here nor there. But honestly, I don’t think a one of them knows what the hell they’re talking about, and even if they do, great.
12.
Mr. Monday Morning Quarterback, good for you. You found the culprit, you got us. Credit default swaps, yeah, you got the gist of it. It’s all thin air, thank you very much. Like we weren’t the first to know, back when nobody was asking the right questions? But either way, I concede. What I did or did not do is so beside the point there’s no use in feeling guilty. TRACI So that’s it? You feel guilt for having all this, the cars, the whole thing? You don’t like living where it’s safe? LEE I wouldn’t be so sure... BRIAN And everybody thinks they’ve got the inside line now, too. Big pronouncements. They don’t see the half of it. Like I said, default swaps, that’s old news. Us guys, we have a front row seat to armageddon. A guy like me, like Lee here, we can read the writing on the wall. Total collapse is the best time to be a step ahead of the other guys. It’s where the real fortunes get made. That’s why I sold the house. ZOE
Huh? A toast!
TODD (He gets more beer from the fridge.)
Say that again?
TRACI
BRIAN It’s done, I got it all under control. Everything’s signed. Without talking to me?
TRACI
LEE Don’t worry, he got a fair price for this market. BRIAN We’re supposed to be out the end of next week but a couple of days this way or that isn’t gonna make a difference. There’s no buyers yet, of course. Who’s buying? I did it through the bank, got it all in cash. Unfortunately.
LEE
13.
BRIAN Yeah but it’s a bank. What are you gonna expect. Cash pigs.
Piggy bank!
TODD (Chugging his beer.) (He smashes the empty bottle on the table.)
TRACI Todd! Brian, do something. ZOE Jerk! There’s glass in my eye! LEE No there isn’t, none of the glass went your way. I was watching. Me, I might’ve had some glass in my eye. I’m fine. Screw you, dude!
ZOE
BRIAN What kind of language is that to use on your father’s guest? I’m sorry, Lee, I don’t know what’s gotten into the girl. All this change, it can’t be easy. TRACI Well, where are we supposed to go? Have you thought about that? BRIAN It’s all figured out. I have the vessel. The vessel.
TRACI
BRIAN I’m moving us onto a boat. That’s kind of awesome.
TODD
TRACI A boat. What’s gotten into you? When did all this happen? Zoe begins tearing her chicken into tiny pieces with her fingernails and flicking the shreds across the room in all directions.
14.
BRIAN Wait’ll you see it. 55-foot sailing yacht, beautiful piece of nautical engineering. The works, too. Full kitchen, sleeping for six, two bath, lounge area, deck seating, wood paneling everywhere, I mean God damn, Trace, you really gotta see her. First thing tomorrow. Of course, we’re gonna have to gut it. Get all that extra weight out of there so we can store more down below. All that extra crap sucks energy. We’ll see what we can lose. Heated water, definitely. We’ll boil what we need. TRACI What happened at the retreat? You’re going too fast. I want to know exactly what happened. Wasn’t no retreat.
LEE
BRIAN Yeah, no. See, they let Lee go the day of! And of course we got to talking, and well, by the time it was time for me to get on the airport shuttle, me and Lee had it all pretty much figured out, that if there’s a time to do it now’s the time. So I told them, eff you, I know when I’m on a sinking ship. I can feel the earth moving under me. This thing’s slowing down for good, I said. And of course they tried to tell me, oh, you know, it’s gonna be a different story this quarter. It’s a whole new ballgame, they tried to tell me, with this bailout cash we’re getting. And the TARP funds, they said that’s gonna wipe out most of the cancer in our books. “A fresh start, Morgan!” That’s what they were saying to me, a clean slate. Begging me to stay, Traci, as my word is my honor. Sad, really. But he said no, sir.
LEE
BRIAN No, sir. And walked right outta there. TRACI You’re telling me there was no retreat? Where have you been, this past week? BRIAN Why bother with their nonsense emergency retreat? Why spend a minute longer than I have to? What could they possibly have that I want? TRACI Oh, I don’t know, a paycheck?
15.
Trace, Trace, Trace.
BRIAN
LEE You’re missing sight of the big picture, I think, here. Hey! (Wiping his neck.) What was that, a piece of chicken? Hey! This girl’s chucking chicken at everybody! TODD God, Zoe, can’t you stop being a little stain for one hour of your life? Can’t you see the adults are talking? TRACI That’s no way to behave. Apologize. ZOE You all can rot. I hate this family. I’m not going anywhere. You can’t make me leave this house. I have friends in school. BRIAN Zoe, your friends are going to have to adjust sooner or later too. Adjust, that’s all. I HATE YOU!
LEE ZOE Exit Zoe.
TRACI Look, I don’t-- How much money are we talking about, here. BRIAN That’s not really the issue. I mean, since you asked, of course, you know, this isn’t exactly a seller’s market in terms of home values, real estate. But the price we got is decent, just in terms of conserving your assets. Only about a half-million or so off what we paid, which is a miracle in a way. But at the same time what’s happening with houses right now is happening double with boats. LEE Especially with luxury boats, which is all you find around here in terms of sail-powered craft. BRIAN Exactly, sail-powered. That’s the main point. But who wants to buy a luxury yacht these days, huh? Buyer in this market stands to come away with a lot of boat for the dollar.
16.
LEE Boat for dollar, hollow for hollow. Both float till they don’t. Hey, boy, get us men another round of that stuff. Todd gets more beer from the fridge. When he returns, all three men chug their beers and slam them carelessly down on the table. The bottles all fall onto their sides and roll off the table, shattering on the floor one after another. BRIAN What you have to understand, babe, before you go thinking about money is this: What is money? What is it, anymore? I mean really. Big picture.
LEE
BRIAN Tell her, man. She’s not gonna listen to it from me. LEE Sure she will. Obvious is obvious. BRIAN Come on. Listen to Lee, Trace. TRACI You listen to me, you motherfucker. ZOE (Offstage) YOU SAID MOTHERFUCKER! GO TO YOUR ROOM!
TRACI
ZOE (Offstage) APOLOGIZE TO OUR GUEST! TRACI The girl is a witch. A WITCH! YOU HEAR ME NOW? Traci begins clearing the table and loading the dishwasher, violently. Todd, laughing hysterically, goes to the fridge and grabs another beer, which he chugs standing in front of the open refrigerator.
17.
He places the empty bottle back inside, retrieves another full bottle, and wobbles back to the table. LEE Aren’t you forgetting your role, son? Todd returns to the fridge for two more beers and brings them to the table. The men drink. LEE You got one kid’s alright, here. This one’ll come in useful when it comes down to it, which it will. But what was I about to say? BRIAN About peak oil. I wanted you to explain the idea of peaking to the woman. LEE Peaking, right. Well, it’s simple, actually. BRIAN Are you listening, Trace? LEE Imagine one day OPEC sends a guy out and says, alright, here’s the deal, we’re not out of oil yet, but we’re getting there, and as of right now there’s officially no more coming out of the ground. Ever. Use what you got, buy more while you can. What’s gonna happen? For you and me, oil disappears overnight. Too expensive. If you can even find some. But there’s still some left, you say? Not anymore. The idea of none left is as good as none left, because we’re talking about commodities markets here, remember. Nobody’s hammering out a deal over a barrel of oil, this is happening on computers in Hong Kong, the prices are being set. So no more oil, what does that mean? Gasoline, kerosene, propane, everything, gone. Non-oil fuels, what happens to them? Well, natural gas is still there, you still got natural gas, except all the demand carrying over from, well, anybody who uses oil now means suddenly natural gas is too expensive... You get the idea. Panic. We’ve had price shocks before but think of this as the big one. The never-ending shock. The shock is our new baseline, but it doesn’t matter, because nobody can even play ball at that level. So no more fuel. Oil goes, it all goes. BRIAN So what happens is, essentially, total meltdown. The cars... Fucked. Tear ‘em up, sell them for scrap. Well, how do you live in the suburbs with no cars? Trains?
18.
LEE We have a rail system that would be the shame of Bulgaria. BRIAN Exactly. So you’re probably saying, fine, you move to the city. Population centers, you rely on farmers’ markets. Everything local, figure out how to get the gasoline out of your diet. Everything settles back to a new normal. No. Fat chance. Yeah!
LEE TODD Traci starts the dishwasher, gets a handle of Absolut from under the center island, and sits down on one of the stools, her back facing Todd, Brian, and Lee. At intervals, she swigs from the bottle of vodka.
BRIAN Because once the energy starts to fade away, the cities are gonna get pretty grim real fast. Think about it, even before the grid blinks off for good, let’s say we’re only talking about a rolling blackout-type situation. California, 2005. Well, what are all those people going to do, living in skyscrapers with no elevators? With barely any real food, you think people’s legs are gonna take them up and down fifty flights all day? Abandon ship!
LEE
BRIAN Right, of course not. And then remember what Lee was saying just now about the natural gas. What do you think’s gonna happen when the natural gas reserves in these cities start getting low? Simple. You’re gonna see the pressure drop. Across the board. Pipes are gonna freeze and burst all at the same time, and you’re gonna see it all washed into the street, people’s lives and garbage. Hallways flooded, a waterfall behind every window. Buildings getting waterlogged, sagging, listing, crumpling where they stand. Exodus. And then what? Nothing, really, I mean. Do what humans always do. Regroup, reconcentrate along the waterways. Figure out how to use them for energy, to get around. Rebuild. But not us.
LEE
19.
BRIAN No way, not us Morgans, and not you all either. Hell, no.
LEE
TRACI I don’t see what any of this has to do with us moving onto a boat. You cocksucker. BRIAN Well, all of it has to do with all of it! What do you mean? This thing is about to happen, now! This financial thing, it’s huge but it’s just the start. This isn’t just a financial collapse, this is it. Collapse, period. Culture, society, currency... hit reset. We’re headed back to the steam era. It’s happening now. On a boat, you got everything you need. We’ll sail with six months of propane, maybe a little bit of stockpiled gasoline if we have an outboard in case of faint wind or pirate emergencies... And then down below, six months of rice, six months of beans. Whatever we can keep. Dried nuts, figs, raisins, fruits, whatever we can dry out. Done right what we’re talking about is essentially a floating survival capsule for a family of four. What about me?
TODD
BRIAN What about you? You’ll be my first mate. TODD No, I mean, school. I’m only in my second year. School?
BRIAN
LEE Ha! These kids are all studying to become hedge fund managers... They’re gonna end up picking rutabaga! TODD You can’t be serious. What about my education? BRIAN The school was very understanding when I called. They said I wasn’t the first... Apparently a lot of people are up and deciding now that they just can’t keep paying for all that, important as it is. Unfortunately they’re not going to refund what they got from us already for the year but it’s so much water down the drain.
20.
TRACI (Chugging vodka.) Down the drain, down the drain! So much vodka down the drain! TODD You already--? I can’t even go back? What the fuck? This is bullshit! You can’t just not ask me! I’m-- you know what, enjoy yourselves. Look at you. Nihilist idiots. I’m going to bed. When I wake up I’m driving to Rebecca’s and you’re not going to see me after that. ZOE (Offstage) HOW DOES IT FEEL, BROTHER? CROTCH WIPE! TRACI (Chugging vodka.) (To Todd.) Tell your sister she’s a whore, and you know how I know it is, she’s a disappointment. That foul-mouthed little shit. ZOE (Offstage) DRINKING AGAIN? ARE YOU SURE IT WON’T EAT THROUGH YOUR PLASTIC FACE? Exit Todd. TRACI So we’re broke now, great. BRIAN No, we’re yacht-owners, baby. LEE Join the club. Sure feels good, don’t it? BRIAN Yacht-owners. We will be kings soon. And you, a queen. TRACI We’re yacht-poor, then. How will I explain this to the girls at the gym? Are we going to have an address down at the marina? Oh God, am I going to have to give out a slip number? BRIAN For a while, I figure. But it’s about mobility, baby. Anchors aweigh! Give me that bottle. He drinks. TRACI A yacht and no job. That’s just great.
21.
No job? Now, wait That’s what I was These vessels are Because when peak And it will.
LEE a minute, these boats are the ticket. telling your husband after I got mine. our future. Everybody’s future, in fact. comes-BRIAN
LEE When peak comes, the price of diesel is going to shoot up like nobody’s business overnight. And then we’ll be able to undercut the truckers on price, you know, set up coastal trading routes, maybe go up for apples from Vermont and meat from Canada, bring them down here and sell them at farmers’ markets or just out of the boats. I mean, I figure eventually these boats are going to be like beacons out there. People are gonna pin a lot of hope on us in these boats. If we take them past Martha’s Vineyard we’ll hear the old millionaires in their coastal mansions crying out in joy and desperation. And we’ll see them paddling out to us in their little unsure canoes so they can try and barter with us. Their finest jewelry for a can of Spam. Their family’s heirloom china for a set of double A’s. It’s sad, really. Because what are we going to do with heirloom china? They’ll be quite poor, really. We’ll have to send them back. BRIAN Well, not if it’s gold jewelry. Or plates. LEE Well, no. Of course not. Gold will always be gold. BRIAN Exactly. That’s the other thing, Traci. Don’t be alarmed when the bank statement comes and there’s nothing in any of the accounts anymore. We’re trying out something different. TRACI (Chugging vodka.) Different, same, it’s all the same. BRIAN I’ve opened a little cash-for-gold business just for our area. Took out an ad in the daily and everything, just gonna run it out of a P.O. box I got. LEE Now, listen to this. Your husband is a brilliant man. BRIAN Because really, you hear “cash for gold,” I hear “gold for cash.”
22.
LEE A man of great foresight. TRACI (Chugging vodka, spilling it all over her face, neck, and blouse.) Yachts and gold, I’m already sold! We’ve got it made in the shade! My husband’s buying up all the gold in town, I must be the luckiest woman alive! BRIAN It started off slow the first two days but pretty soon word got out! I’ve been in business all of six days and already I’ve got twenty eight thousand dollars’ worth of gold, baby! LEE This guy learns too quick! GOLD!
TRACI
LEE All you gotta do really is offer a fair price on the ounce and they’ll be lining up! Tough times for everybody, even the lady down the street with the ten thousand dollar brooch sitting in her jewelry box. Why not parlay the insecurity of others into security for your own? BRIAN And so what if I’m offering more for it than those internet assholes, or the pawn shop, or anyone else? They don’t get it, they don’t see the big picture. ZOE (Offstage.) THE BIG PICTURE IS YOU COULD’VE BOUGHT ME A JETTA WITH THAT LIKE YOU PROMISED! JESUS CHRISTRAPING FUCK, DAD! TODD (Offstage.) YOU PULLED ME OUT OF COLLEGE SO YOU COULD BUY ALL THE NEIGHBORS’ JEWELRY? YOU FUCKING JOKE! BRIAN (Yelling at the ceiling.) GOD DAMN IT WHAT PART OF THE WORDS ECONOMIC COLLAPSE DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? YOU FUCKING INGRATES. STOP. THINKING. ABOUT WEALTH. IN TERMS OF MONEY. Here’s a wise man.
LEE
23.
TRACI (Yelling at the ceiling.) LISTEN TO YOUR FATHER! LEE Oh eight and oh nine are nothing new! BRIAN I swear to God we should just leave the kids. LEE What about ninety-eight? Eighty-seven? Seventy-four? Hell, twenty-nine? They always forget. TRACI No, how could you say that? These are our children. BRIAN You’re right, they may be worth something eventually. For bartering. The boy, especially. LEE Nineteen aught seven... Eighteen seventy-three... Eighteen thirty-seven. Damn it, if you had invested heavily in gold in eighteen thirty-six, eighteen thirty-seven would have been a good year for you. Thirty-seven! But most lacked the foresight then, as now. TRACI (Sighing heavily.) I am going to miss this place, though. Oh baby, do we really have to leave right away? LEE This is nothing. All of this is nothing, there is nothing here. Except, soon, want. Great want. BRIAN He’s right, hon. I’ve always hated this place. LEE This place and all others like it, in equal measure. The roughly thirty-six thousand other identical cul-de-sacs in upper-upper-middle-class America, all ringed with these... (Lightly tapping the wall with his shoe.) ...Hollow... Masonite temples. Signifying what? Debt. BRIAN It’s these God damned cardboard mansions we all consign ourselves to, and why? To prove our wealth? Does this look like wealth to you?
24.
(He punches a hole through the nearest wall, then another, then another.) Is this opulence? Is opulence a four-thousand dollar coat of Laura Ashley paint on top of a four-dollar slab of stonewall? No, this, here, this... (He kicks out a sizable portion of wall with his shoe.) ...is what a lie looks like! This is what you see when you look too closely! LEE (Joining Brian in punctuating every sentence with a wallcrushing punch.) I was thrilled to be rid of mine. It was like yours, of course, give or take a few bay windows and amenities packages. But much the same spirit. Hallway here, stairway there, doorway over there. The general spirit of ridiculousness. But I wonder, how did this become inscribed, repeated, reified? This aesthetic of envious pastiche? Look at this incredible monument to bullshit. These ridiculous twenty-foot ceilings. Who put these here, all these columns and banisters and pilasters and finials and porticos and mezzanines, hm? Whose sad, half-formed notion of grandeur is this? Whose ridiculous cartoon idea of dignity and importance is this? These houses look like the whores you find during business hours in the financial district. Like somebody’s idea of desire, told secondhand. And inside? Nothing. Empty boxes. American Potemkin villages. This is how the better half lives. TRACI But I liked it. As long as it was ours. Because it was ours. Just for that. BRIAN Look, babe, now’s no time for sentimentality. But if it makes you feel any better there’ll be time for us to come back, eventually. Scavenge the house, see if anything’s left. See what we can scrap and trade. Although, honestly, there’s not much worth a flying shit in here now, to begin with. Brian attacks the wall with a running kick, knocking out a hole three feet in diameter. LEE No doubt about it, this is the worst place in the world you could sit tight. No way to ride things out here. No way. The social contract breaks down, sweetie. There may not even be anything left to scavenge if you do come back. Think about it.
25.
Eventually when you’re talking about ad-hoc societies forming, you know, groups of a dozen or two dozen unruly guys, out-of-work plumber-types, sitting around campfires, drinking rancid raisin wine they got in exchange for all the food they had, maybe a handful of snared rock doves... You don’t think eventually they’ll be on the march? You don’t think they’ll eventually decide to head over to Greenwich with rocks and knives and kitchen matches and see how the rich folks are holding out? This place is a wasteland, but this whole country’s a wasteland, and for some reason this is the wasteland to beat, and that makes it a target. So say goodbye while you can. He’s right, you know. I know. Damn.
BRIAN TRACI Traci crosses over to the cabinets, grabs a stack of dishes, and hurls them at the floor.
TRACI Well, no use in leaving anything for the bastards. Now you’re talking! All right! Come on, help me.
LEE BRIAN TRACI They all start going through the cabinets, finding anything breakable, and breaking it. Enter Zoe and Todd.
ZOE What the hell is going on down here? TODD You’re all fucking nuts. TRACI Come on, kids! They’re not gonna get shit when they show up here! BRIAN We’ll all be laughing on the high seas!
26.
LEE Here, young lady. This is your fight now too. Lee hands Zoe a stack of bowls and Todd a stack of saucers. He looks into their eyes and nods solemnly. They join in the destruction. The kitchen is an orgy of violence. Soon, the sound of sirens fades in, and with it, the sound of a car pulling into the driveway. There is a knock at the door. TRACI Oh, it’s the cops. (With raised voice.) Come in! Police!
POLICE OFFICER #1
POLICE OFFICER #2 What in the-- Do you all live here? BRIAN (Indicating Lee.) He doesn’t. Otherwise yes. Or, no. Formerly. Soon. POLICE OFFICER #2 And these are all your things? TRACI Yes officer, we don’t need them anymore. POLICE OFFICER #1 We had reports of a domestic dispute and breaking and entering. ZOE Well, obviously it’s neither, so. Can you just leave us alone? POLICE OFFICER #2 Well, what exactly is going on, here? LEE It’s just the times, officer. These are uncertain times, as I’m sure you’ve heard. I have.
POLICE OFFICER #2
27.
With Lee occupying the officers, Traci, Brian, Zoe, and Todd slowly resume smashing everything in sight. LEE The times are full of uncertainty. POLICE OFFICER #2 Try telling that to the pension board, damn sons of bitches. I know that, you ain’t gotta tell me. LEE So, that’s just it. What you see here is a family adjusting to that uncertainty. POLICE OFFICER #1 Is that what they’re doing? LEE It’s easy. You can do it, too. In your own homes. POLICE OFFICER #1 I doubt my wife would like that very much. We’re saving for a new flat screen. Prices are going way, way down. Todd takes a break from smashing and begins searching frantically for something in the various drawers around the kitchen. LEE They are, they are. They’re heading for rock bottom. What an excellent time to invest in a new television set. Getting a good deal is all about being there at rock bottom. Still, you could join in here, if not at home. There’s much work to be done. It does look like fun.
POLICE OFFICER #1
LEE Here, let me get you some empty things. Lee crosses over to one of the cabinets, and returns with a large stack of dishes, which he splits into two, handing one half to each police officer. The officers look at each other, shrug, and join in the ongoing cacophony of destruction. Todd finds what he has been looking for: a box of kitchen matches.
28.
He grabs the bottle of liquor from the center island and smashes it to the floor, spilling vodka everywhere. He strikes a match and tosses it to the floor, igniting a fire. Then he returns to the work of smashing, taking a heavy skillet to the glass-front cabinets lining the kitchen. Shortly, more sirens are heard approaching. Enter five firemen. The firemen survey the room, and, after a moment’s hesitation, decide to ignore the fire and join in the smashing. They take to the fridge, passing any destructible items within it from fireman to fireman, bucket brigadestyle. The last fireman takes each item, winds up, and hurls it across the room, leaving colorful streaks and splatters along the walls. Soon, more sirens are heard approaching. Enter three paramedics. The paramedics survey the room and, finding everyone on the scene conscious, decide to join in the smashing. The fire spreads. Soon there is little else left to smash, and so the group closes in on the towering, empty stainless-steel refrigerator. Surrounding it and clutching at it, they strain and chant: ALL Heave! Ho! Heave! Ho! Heave! The refrigerator tips forward, then topples onto the monolithic center island, which also topples forward with a thunderous crash. Ho!
ALL Lights dim. FIN.