World Apart[1]

prologue the wind was biting into him, adding insult to injury. he tried to move, but the only feedback he received was excruciating pain. and at that moment, the fear of the unknown gripped him. he was dying. was this the part where his life was supposed to flash before his eyes in beautiful montage? nah. too sentimental. besides, nothing worthwhile had come of the past twentyseven years anyway. there wasn’t one person he’d miss…or that would even miss him. at least he’d had one last farewell drink, thankful that the warm liquid was still making its way through his bloodstream affording him what little comfort was actually possible. until something else, a completely different kind of warmth suddenly enveloped him. it smelled beautiful…the type of smell that brings back emotions of a fond memory; only you can’t recall the memory, just the familiar feelings. if only his sense of touch and smell had been affected it would have been more than enough to bring life back into him, but it wasn’t until his sense of hearing was activated by the sound of a feminine voice he could only liken to that of an angel, that he almost felt like he could get up and walk away. then again, maybe alcohol made every woman’s voice sound angelic. and if only the touch and smell were as heavenly as the voice perhaps he’d feel no pain at all. and then he listened to the words as they came into focus. “it’s all right…hang in there, okay? they’re almost here. i’m not gonna let anything happen to you, i promise. you need to make it, okay?” his breathing relaxed as she injected more sweet prayers into his ear. “oh, dear lord, please heal this man, let him live. let him have a new beginning, a second chance at life. let him feel your comfort…” her words seared their way into his heart. someone wanted him to live. and maybe…he did too.

landon stern awoke to a splitting headache and found that every limb save his left leg was immobile. he shifted his eyes left and right to take in his surroundings. white walls, lots of flowers, balloons; i am either alive, in hell, or being held hostage in a florist shop, he reasoned cynically. or perhaps…a psychotic combination of all three possibilities. that

would certainly explain the gut wrenching pain and all the damn flowers. he tried to find his voice, but it was difficult for him to manage anything but a feeble sounding grunt. “aw, mr. stern, have you finally decided to return from the grave?” landon looked to his right and saw a heavyset, middle-aged woman with a cheery face leaning over him. she reminded him of aunt jemimah from all the syrup containers. aunt jemimah fussed over some monitors above his bed and then stated that she would be right back. he watched her waddle out of the room. “well, just when we thought you couldn’t outdo yourself!” landon immediately recognized the unsympathetic and reprimanding “tsk, tsk” of his agent, james taggert. “would you like to see the headlines? no, no, no, that’s okay. i’ll just read them.” he cleared his throat in an exaggerated fashion. “ah… ‘minnesota forward nearly killed in drunk driving incident.’ or how about this one? ‘will stern ever return to the game?’ oh… and this one is my favorite ‘should stern be held to a higher standard for endangering society?’” he was sifting through piles of newspapers chuckling sarcastically. landon allowed the media free reign on the gossip they made up concerning his personal life as long as it didn’t include his past. i fling around little black discs for a living. concentrate on writing about that. a rush of bitter self-pity washed over him as he glanced over at his agent. figures, he’d plop his ass down here and wait for me to wake up, landon moped. i am his paycheck. landon and taggert bickered like an old, cantankerous married couple; the sight of each other was repugnant, but the mutual benefits were worth staying together. taggert was one of the best sports agents in the industry. he freed landon from the responsibility of being professional when all landon wanted to be was simply a hockey player. screw the other nonsense, but, hey, at least he got paid to act like a neanderthal when most people walked around doing it free of charge. before landon could think of something sarcastic to spit back at taggert within the critical window of time one is supposed to make a sarcastic comeback, aunt jemimah came back with a man he assumed was the doctor. he almost expected her to be holding a stack of pancakes; that would be flippin’ awesome, he thought while congratulating himself on the witty pun. “mr. stern, i’m surprised you’re awake. you know… because of your physical stamina you’ve been able to recover rather quickly than most would have!” the doctor was a short bald man with glasses. landon wanted to reach out and poke him in the belly to see if he giggled like the pillsbury dough boy. “i’m dr. eastman,” he introduced himself has he pulled up a chair next to landon’s bed. “how are we feeling today?”

landon scowled at him. how the hell did doughboy graduate from medical school if he got away with such asinine questions? “whe—” landon cleared his throat. it hurt to do so. “when can i play?” “mr. stern,” the doctor scolded in the same tone landon’s mother had when he was caught putting the cat in the clothes dryer at four years of age. “playing hockey should be the least of your concerns right now.” he paused and his expression shifted to that of genial surprise. “but when you do recover i suppose that is up to you. i’ve had too many patients prove me wrong to suggest otherwise. now you just get some rest, okay?” he ruffled landon’s hair like he was petting a dog. landon shot bullets with his eyes into the doctor’s back when he rose from the chair and exited the room. once dr. eastman and the nurse had left, taggert piped in again. “well, once you get out of that hospital bed and start physical therapy, you may have to undergo counseling for your alcoholism.” landon reloaded and began aiming bullets at taggert instead. “besides paying a hefty fine and having your license revoked for drunk driving, i’d say you got off pretty easy. everyone is expecting you to make a comeback by next season, so don’t let anyone down.” two year olds believed that if they closed their eyes, it made them invisible. landon grunted and decided to give it a shot. taggert snorted; rolling his eyes. he grabbed his coat and took off. “i’ll see you tomorrow, landon, and we can go over some more logistics when you’re feeling better…you little pain in the ass,” he muttered the last several words under his breath. “i heard that!” landon growled before taggert slammed the door shut. -----------he awoke again several hours later after another blissful dose of painkillers. disappointment immediately flooded his system once he realized he had been dreaming. it was a damn good dream too; filled with the voice of an angel, softness of rabbit fur and warmth of smoldering fire embers. had it really been just a dream? he wracked his brain; trying to remember the details of his accident. there had been a woman; the voice definitely belonged to a woman. and she had been saying a prayer. he closed his eyes desperately wanting to recall the words. “dear lord…let him live…” she had prayed for him? why? everything about her from her scent, her touch, her words; they made him want to live. he wanted to make her prayer come true for her, but why? landon tapped on his buzzer repeatedly until an exasperated nurse entered the room. “who found me?” he demanded

the nurse gazed quizzically at landon with his mouth open as if he were concentrating on catching flies. rolling his eyes, landon elaborated. “the car accident i was in? did someone find me before the ambulance arrived and brought me here?” “ah…sorry mr. stern, i wasn’t on duty that night. i’m sure somebody called 9-1-1 and the ambulance picked you up right away. i can certainly look up your chart and see who the emt was.” “could you do that now?” the nurse cocked an eyebrow at landon not expecting to be taken up on the offer and sighed as if landon had asked him fetch some caviar and spoon feed him. “fine…i’ll be right back.” he ducked out of the room just in time to collide with the boisterous shouts of several teammates who swankered through landon’s door. “hey frosh! we fer sure though you killed yourself!” landon chuckled upon hearing his nickname and rolled his eyes at one of the elder team members, matthew “cubbie” johnson, a large overbearing center who still grumbled about having to wear helmets. his scarred and somewhat distorted facial bones could attest to that fact. the other four players who tagged along to visit were andy kalano, mark “mickie,” mackenzie, two six-foot-five wingers, forward czech native roman “romeo” stolansky and their team captain, goalie dwayne robinson. “yeah, if you wanted to commit suicide, you could’ve asked one of us to do the job for you!” snorted mickie. landon cursed at them with a cheeky grin. “so you’re the only ones who cared enough to come visit me, eh?” “we drew straws, cause none of us really wanted to.” cubbie chuckled and ruffled landon’s shaggy dark brown hair. landon ducked his head away. “augh! what!? am i wearing a sign that says ‘pet me!?’” “landie…we’re just jealous you have the best hockey hair out of all of us !” “aw…c’mon frosh, we couldn’t go very long without seeing those irresistible dimples of yours either!” andy pulled out a large poster board from behind his back with get-well messages written from the team, managers, coaches and staff members. “oh… wow!” landon smiled as he looked over some of the messages and inside jokes written by all his acquaintances. “yeah, you gotta come back, man. our last home game attendance was down ‘cause all

the chicks quit coming since you went on the dl!” dwayne joked. “shut up.” landon shook his head. he changed the subject and asked how everything else was going. they chatted and joked around while avoiding the subject of the accident and events surrounding it like the proverbial elephant in the room that people tip-toed around in effort to pretend it wasn’t there. landon was thankful for that. shallowness was necessary at times like this. they’d been carrying on for about fifteen minutes or so when the nurse landon had summoned about his records returned. his teammates found their way out and said goodbye. landon forced a smile. they wouldn’t be back. hospitals and professional athletes just didn’t mix. “all i found on your admission chart was the initials of the emt,” the nurse mentioned after they exited the room. “and?” “and what?” who the hell was responsible for hiring boy wonder here as a nurse? “what were the initials?” landon replied through his gritted tooth smile. “d.f.” “do you know any emts here with the initials d.f.?” the nurse exhaled forcefully in annoyance as if landon asked him to recite the declaration of independence. “that’s not my department. i don’t know any of the guys who work down there, sorry,” he shrugged and left quickly before landon could bug him any more. what good would it do anyway to try and figure out whom the mystery woman was if he couldn’t even get out of bed? he could make taggert do it, but his agent would probably complain that searching for missing persons wasn’t stipulated in his contract. it made him that much more determined to speed up his recovery. --------the next morning, landon was greeted with the stereotypical hospital food. his lack of any useful limbs left the nurse to feed him herself. landon wished aunt jemimah would come back with his pancakes. he felt like an imbecile as she scraped the food off the corners of his mouth like an infant. “i don’t suppose you could just go out and get me a smoothie and let me sip through the straw,” he suggested to the nurse flashing her his dimples; that usually did the trick with women. she smiled and blushed; visibly noting his humiliation. hook, line and sinker…

“well, mr. stern, since my husband and kids are such big fans of yours, i suppose i could try and pull a few strings.” “please, call me landon…” ---------later that afternoon, he opened his eyes after dozing off and once again found taggert hanging around. can’t he go harass the ex-wife instead? “just the person i was hoping to see,” he remarked sarcastically. “hey, look, taggert.” landon widened his eyes in mock excitement. “i can move my fingers today!” he flipped his agent the bird. “mmm, yes, i just count down the minutes until i can see that messed up face of yours again,” retorted taggert. “more ‘get well, can’t live without landon stern,’ fan mail came.” he plopped a bag of letters, packages and gifts on the end of his bed. he wished the media was more interested in landon’s playing skill than his playboy image. it only perpetuated his overblown, compensating ego. “so what’s up?” asked landon searching under the blankets as best as he could for his little television remote control. “i’ve arranged payment of the drunk driving fine with your financial planner and your license has been revoked for ninety days…not that you’ll be driving anytime soon in your condition. they’ll have a chemical dependence assessor come see you in a few days and you’ll be required to attend substance abuse classes and a mothers against drunk driving meeting.” he paused. “good news is, no jail time. the team is pulling for you and hopes to have you back soon. you’re contract is still on through the end of this season and depending on whether or not you play again, well, they decided not to think about that until the time comes. when you’re able to move around more, the trainers will be handling your physical therapy.” landon stared at taggert blankly. “i’m sorry, could you repeat that?” taggert narrowed his eyes maliciously. “fine…have you scheduled when i get to take a piss?” landon snorted. taggert studied landon with all his cuts and bruises; limbs wrapped up in casts and suddenly felt a rush of pity for him; albeit a short-lived rush. “well, if you have any better suggestions as to how you want your professional life handled, i’m all ears.” the normal wry edge in his voice was then replaced with that of sympathy. “just take care of yourself…everyone misses you.” ---------the next day, the chemical dependence assessor came to interview landon about his substance abuse. he looked young, like he was just out of college with a chip on both shoulders. “hi mr. stern, i’m jeremy. they probably warned you that i was coming. i’m just going to

ask you some easy questions and the more honest you are the better. remember, we’re only here to help, ‘kay?” landon didn’t say anything. jeremy got out a little clipboard and a pen and started with his questions. "all right, mr. stern—“ “you can call me landon.” he flipped through the television channels without glancing at jeremy. ooh…oprah’s on. “ahem, um…could you turn off the t.v.?” landon hit the power button and plastered a fake, closed lipped smile on his face. jeremy chuckled nervously, a little relieved, but he knew from experience that people put up stellar defenses whenever they were questioned about their drinking habits. a rich, arrogant s.o.b who played what he considered an immature game for money was not going to be the grand exception of the day. “ah, how much alcohol do you consume in a week or…a day?” “um, if i’m home…probably a couple of beers before bed.” “during the day, or in the morning?” “no, not really.” landon had heard these questions before. he recalled his stint in rehab for drug and alcohol addiction back when he was in high school. “so not everyday.” landon shook his head. “have you ever felt you ought to cut down on your drinking?” landon shrugged. “mmm, no. except when i get a bitch of a hangover.” “have you ever had a drink or taken a drug first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or get rid of a hangover?” “besides some advil and coffee,” and pounding my skull into a cement wall? jeremy continued with the next question. “have people annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?” landon smirked, “i don’t listen to what other people say.” jeremy nodded slowly and continued. “have you ever felt bad or guilty about your drinking?” “only when i wake up next to strange women,” landon paused and contemplated…”or ugly women!” he snorted at his own joke, but when he saw that jeremy wasn’t laughing he quickly added. “i’m just… kidding.” he sensed that even if jeremy was a hockey fan, he didn’t care much for landon. he’s probably from wisconsin, he mused to himself. “if you don’t have a drink for a while, what happens?”

“i turn back into a pumpkin?” “mr. stern, ah landon, please…this is important.” landon rolled his eyes. “look, i’m not an alcoholic and i don’t have a drinking problem. i.made. a.mis-take!” “just let me finish.” jeremy was visibly annoyed. landon could tell by the way his nostrils flared. if he looked close enough he could probably see the guy’s nose hairs. “your history would suggest otherwise.” jeremy took a deep breath. “now, do you ever get shaky when you don’t have a drink?” “no.” “have you ever had seizures when you stopped drinking?” “no.” “have you had to increase your drinking during the last month or year?” “no, i don’t drink that much during the season.” “former drug addicts shouldn’t be drinking at all. so then what happened during the night you nearly killed yourself?” landon fought the urge to swing his casted arm in the direction of jeremy’s nose, but instead closed his eyes recalling the dull ache he felt that night. “bad judgment,” he answered carefully. jeremy sighed in defeat. “fine, i just need to know now if you’ve been taking any drugs.” landon hooted a sarcastic laugh. “yeah right, you think i’d take that chance with the random drug testing they do? besides, i thought you read my chart, you’d find i successfully quit doing drugs when i was sixteen.” jeremy bit back the urge not to roll his eyes in disbelief, but reasoned that hockey boy was probably telling the truth. besides, the labs hadn’t found any trace of drugs in landon’s system besides alcohol. “okay, that’s all.” he got up to leave. “now what?” asked landon. “well, to be honest, i think you do have a drinking problem—” landon snorted. “— and… you or someone else will probably be back in the hospital or morgue soon. you’ll have to take some substance abuse classes, and probably start going to aa meetings for awhile, but nothing else.” he paused and added with a serious tone in his voice as he walked out the door, “you know, it takes more courage to face your problems, then to

pretend you don’t have them.” -------the next several weeks landon’s recovery progressed to the point where he had some movement in his arms and could maneuver in a wheelchair. he didn’t even have to piss in a bedpan anymore. the doctors still wanted to monitor him for internal injuries and were hesitant to release him until he could skillfully hobble on crutches. landon was certain they hadn’t released him yet because once the hospital was finished wiping out his insurance, they’d start working into his back wallet. a few more players had stopped by to visit along with the coach and manager. he was bummed that his only family, a cousin, his wife and two kids from duluth, hadn’t come to visit him. it’s not like duluth was that far away from the twin cities. maybe they sent him a sympathy card. landon glanced over at the stack of mail. it had slowly dwindled day by day as the news of his accident became old hat. when it was discovered that he was finally able to write again, he had managed to sign his autograph to just about every doctor, nurse, janitor and inpatient at the hospital. even the odd fellow who wheeled around the mail carts with a crooked leg asked for his autograph. with permission, he was allowed to navigate through the underground tunnels to minneapolis children’s hospital just next door and crack jokes with some of the kids stuck in the hospital as well. plus, that’s where the video game stations were. he had visited sick children before on holidays and such, using his celebritydom for a good cause, but honestly didn’t do it to put out a false image of the benevolent professional athlete with a heart of gold. well, maybe he did a little bit, but the children made him laugh. they also supplied him with his best joke material. but then again, landon had to admit to himself…he did have the maturity level of about a ten year old. there was one boy in particular he grew fond of named cody who had been in and out of the hospital for three years with leukemia since he was about eight years old. they passed the time usually playing nhl on the playstation. “hey, landon, is it true that you got in a car accident because you had too much to drink?” cody asked him one day. landon felt pretty sheepish, but nodded in humility. “yup, pretty stupid, huh? you think anyone will forgive me?” “yeah i suppose i could forgive ya.” “really?” landon asked and chuckled, surprised at the relief he felt. cody’s forgiveness meant a great deal. maybe if a kid could forgive him, the public wouldn’t “boo” his return to the ice. parents wouldn’t be telling their kids, “you see now billy, landon stern is an example of the kind of person you don’t want to end up like…”

“thanks, cody,” he grinned at the boy. “my mom told me that god forgives everybody if they ask for it so we should do the same.” landon just nodded, thinking back to the night he was dying and about the woman who prayed to god for him to live. “hey!” he shouted suddenly at the television screen. cody giggled. “penalty box!” landon protested. “what’d you do, codster? rig the game?” cody continued in his mirth. “hey, landon, were you scared that night?” he asked after his giggles subsided; almost as if he could read landon’s thoughts. “yeah, but i really don’t remember a lot.” landon hit the pause button and looked at cody. “what about you, don’t all of these nurses and doctors scare you?” cody shrugged. “at first, but then i realized that they just want me to get better.” landon gave him a playful slug. “you’ll get better, and then i’ll take you out on the ice. how’s that sound?” cody’s eyes widened in excitement. “cool!” they resumed the game for another five minutes. “ha ha!” cody threw his arms up after beating landon three goals to two. landon feigned disgust and winked at him while leaning in to whisper. “hey, code…so are the nurses down here pretty cute?” he joked. cody snickered. “i heard the brown haired lady say you were hot.” “the one with the beard!?” landon scrunched his nose in revulsion and shuddered as cody began laughing hysterically. “so ah…codester, my brosky…you got a ladyfriend back home?” he stuck out his tongue. “my two sisters are bad enough. i hate girls.” “you are a smart man,” landon smirked and prodded him playfully. “wanna play again?” he nodded at the playstation. cody nodded and narrowed his eyes. “prepare to be destroyed,” he growled loudly. after about fifteen minutes, cody’s nurse came in followed by his parents. “ready, cody?” the nurse gave landon the ‘you have to get going now,’ look. landon protested. “dude! we have like two minutes left!” the nurse hardly seemed amused.

landon leaned over and whispered in cody’s ear. “i told you she had a beard.” cody snickered as they began preparing him to get sedated for a spinal tap to check his blood cell count. he was used this by now and always tried to see how long he could force himself to stay awake before the fast acting drug took hold. just before the pediatrician inserted the drug, cody looked at landon. “hey, landon, you give me a word this time!” the doctor inserted the drug through the boy’s i.v. “quick!” cody giggled. his dad usually gave him a word right before he fell asleep to see if he could remember it when he woke up. landon looked around the room and his eyes turned to the hockey game they had paused on the playstation. “um, penguin!” he shouted out just before cody’s eyes rolled back into his head and was fast asleep snoring away. landon helped himself out of the room and made his way back through the tunnels to his own hospital bed.

“so i finally get to go home?” landon asked a few days later when dr. eastman gave him his final checkup. the jolly physician nodded. “you’ve made a nice recovery, landon. i’m sure you’ll be getting the best physical therapy and be back on the ice in no time.” “hmm, he’s got a few other obligations to take care of first,” taggert interrupted. landon scowled at him. “like what?” “landon, you avoid the press like the plague. i set up a conference for tomorrow morning so you can get it all over in one shot.” landon felt like such a moron when the press interviewed him. t-t-today, junior. it only served to perpetuate the myth of the hockey player who had suffered one too many blows to the head. he only counted down the days till they found a way to patronize him with his now deceased parents: an abusive, alcoholic father and suicidal mother. he avoided reading or watching any sort of press hype about himself. ruthless little pricks. if he had actually slept with half the women they accused him of, he’d probably be a walking std and qualify for male gigolo of the century. but he had given up most basic rights to privacy the minute he signed on the dotted line. his eyes darted furtively around the room. maybe he could make a quick break for the window. ---------he spent that night packing up gifts and flowers he received throughout his stay and

finished going through some fan mail. it never ceased to amaze him at some of the ridiculous letters and packages he received from fans. the love letters and marriage proposals from women…and men (shudder) cracked him up. sometimes indecent photographs were included, but those typically came from the unattractive variety . how come none of the hot chicks included indecent photographs of themselves? it was about eight in the evening when he was ready for bed, but hoped it wasn’t too late to stop by and say good-bye to cody. like taking candy from a baby, landon sweet-talked the nurse into letting him see cody even though it was after visiting hours. it just had to be the dimples. cody was still awake in bed and excited to see landon. “what are you doing here?” “hey, i was hoping you hadn’t fallen asleep yet! i’m checking out tomorrow and came to say good-bye…for now! but i’m gonna come by soon, okay?” “yeah, yeah,” joked cody. “you’ll forget all about me!” landon ruffled his hair and winked at him. “never. i’m working on rounding up some tickets for you and your family. you promise you’ll get better ‘cause i meant it when i said i’d take you out on the ice!” “promise.” cody gave him a big grin. “take care, stud!” “hey landon!” landon turned around. “penguin!” yelled cody. landon winked at him and hobbled out of door on his crutches. ---------just as taggert had promised, first thing in the morning after landon made himself look presentable, they headed straight for the radisson where the press was stalking…ahem, staking out. once all were settled, taggert directed the question takers. “mr. stern!” shouted out one reporter. “obviously, everyone wants to know how soon it is till you play.” “ah, i plan to devote every effort to making a comeback. my goal is next season.” he wasn’t looking forward to the questions about his accident, but eventually they were brought forth. “mr. stern, what kind of reparations are you making for your drunk driving incident?”

landon closed his eyes and swallowed. “i deeply apologize for my actions and am thankful the only person i injured was myself. it ah…” landon struggled for words, “it… won’t happen again.” he rubbed his temples with his fingers hoping this would end soon…or someone would be kind enough to pass him a loaded gun. “mr. stern, is it true you have an alcohol addiction?!” yelled one reporter out of turn. luckily, taggert stepped in for this one. “we have assured you that mr. stern is taking every action to learn from his consequences and is only focused on making a full recovery. thank you, that’s all we have to say.” landon then remembered why he had hired taggert in the first place; he was an expert in batting away the vultures. the reporters all began talking at once trying in vain to get any sort of response from landon, but he ducked out as soon as taggert gave him to go ahead. he wanted to get home to his own bed and let the world swallow him up for a few days. ---------landon hopped down the stairs into his kitchen with his crutches in tow the next morning. his house was simple, but expensive because it was located overlooking lake harriet, one of the beautiful lakes in the heart of minneapolis; bought and renovated by himself as a hobby. he picked up the stack of mail taggert had organized for him. his agent had the entire house organized for him; not that landon minded so much. the man at times was a glorified nanny. landon shuffled through the letters. “crap, crap, crap…” making it to the end of the stack he found a list of chores left by his agent that needed attending to and a list of charity receipts. he donated not so much out of any sense of obligation; to him, money was just money; pieces of paper that men foolishly sold their souls for. “sure, tag, give ‘em a few thou…” money had been available all his life and with his father’s recent death, landon was the sole benefactor of the accumulated wealth from his business in the tire industry. this was unnerving. the money was tainted as far as landon was concerned and the old man probably died before he could cut his only heir out of the will. his memory receded back to the night of the car accident; the phone call from his father’s lawyer stating that mitchell stern had died suddenly from a heart attack. he hadn’t spoken to mitch in five years, so why did he care if he was dead? hadn’t he always wished his father to be dead? deep down, landon knew that wasn’t true. what he had wanted was a father. the one he had been born to certainly was in the biological and financial sense, but landon never felt the kind of love emanating from him that a father should feel towards his only son. alcohol was usually the emotional painkiller of choice, and after mitch’s funeral, landon didn’t know what he was feeling, but those emotions had to be obliterated… even if only for a night.

he sighed and pushed back his thoughts for the moment and read taggert’s to-do list. he groaned when he read the schedule for substance abuse classes required at the community college. maybe he could wear his nixon mask as a disguisethe class was only four weeks long for two days a week though. he also noticed that he would have to attend a madd meeting in a couple of weeks. great, they’re going to eat me alive with guilt. served his sorry ass right, though. the more he thought about his crash, the more relieved he was that he hadn’t injured anyone. he couldn’t live with himself if he had. hell, living with his spoiled, loathsome self period was bad enough. the rest of his days were scheduled for hours upon hours of physical therapy and he still wouldn’t have his driver’s license back for another month. a cab service was hired to chauffer him around during this time. it was a different driver everyday, but landon still referred to all of them as “apu” after the kwik-e-mart guy in all of ‘the simpson’s’ episodes. during all of this, she continued to plague his mind, especially at night when he couldn’t sleep. he’d toss and turn; remembering her voice, the way her breath caressed his face and whispered sweet words in his ear. why had this woman, in below freezing weather not only saved his physical life, but prayed for his weary soul as well? “…lord give him a second chance at life…” landon still heard those words and the urge to find her identity consumed him. at the very least he’d be able to sleep again. and he didn’t know why or how at that moment…but somehow he knew he needed her. --------landon kept in touch with cody intermittently these past months sending him presents that consisted of new video games, candy and random joke books among other things. on the day he went back to inquire about the night of his accident, he went to visit the boy. when landon questioned the nurse about cody’s whereabouts, she smiled. “cody went home a couple of days ago. he’s doing well enough to have a caretaker at home.” landon was pleased, but slightly disappointed he never bothered to get the family’s address. “do you have his phone number or someway to reach him?” he asked hopefully. “i’m sorry, we’re not allowed to give out that kind of information.” landon nodded, thinking of a way he could find cody’s address. he remembered he lived in elk river. the nurse noticed the disappointment evident from landon’s creased brow. “i do know that he lives in elk river and his father owns a local construction company.” landon looked up her wondering if he should add contemplative brooding to his list of arsenal besides just sexy chiseled grin. he didn’t even have to flash his dimples this time to get his way. grinning, he winked at her and walked away, but not before throwing a “thanks” over his shoulder.

he assumed he could locate cody’s address easy enough with that information. he remembered his last name, alworth, and figured there couldn’t be too many alworths in construction in elk river. in fact, there couldn’t be too much of anything in elk river except good hockey. now, onto his most important task and that was finding the mystery woman. she’s probably not that much of a mystery when i meet her, but he was unable to resist feeling excited all the while knowing in all likelihood she wouldn’t be what he expected. and just what do you expect? playboy centerfold crossed his mind of possibilities. nah… landon sought the information desk and asked the person behind it if he could look at his medical records. “yes, you certainly may. medical records is located one floor below. if you take the elevator down, walk straight out and take a left when you reach the end of the hall, its right there. they’ll ask you for some verification and be able to pull the chart while you wait.” “thanks.” landon followed the directions and after he showed them his driver’s license he waited. a lady returned with his most recent chart and landon found a table nearby to start searching for a name, any name that could help him besides the initials d.f. that the nurse had informed him of during his hospital stay. he flipped through pages of dictation, labs and icu charts. he hadn’t realized how complicated the chart was going to be, but finally found the initials on the emergency room admittance. it definitely looked like a d and an f. landon sighed in frustration. he walked up to the front desk. “am i allowed to make a copy of something?” “sure, i just need you to sign this form right here and i can make a copy for you.” when landon had the page with the copy of the signature, he set out for the emergency room. someone there would have to recognize the signature. when the receptionist couldn’t give him any help, he asked if there were any old time charts of who was working that hour. she said he could inquire at the payroll office. landon thanked her and set off on the path once again. he was finally able to get some headway at payroll when they looked up the date landon was brought in and saw who had punched in on the database. “do you have any personnel records that i could match one of these person’s signatures too?” the man helping him went over to a large filing cabinet and took out some folders containing information of the employees on service that night. “okay…” said the man peering over his glasses. “i have a match here, but i can’t give out this individual’s personal information.” do i look like a serial killer? “can you at least give me a name and i’ll try to look on my own?”

the payroll clerk examined landon’s face and then smiled. “hey, are you landon stern?” yes, it was times like this that he loved being a celebrity. “yeah, so can you give me the name?” “no.” landon exhaled in defeat. “under one condition.” he turned back excitedly. “yeah?” “stop giving our hockey team such a bad rep.” landon stared at him incredulously for a second ready to retaliate with an insult, but flashed his teeth in a fake smile. “ah, yeah, sure pal.” “alrighty then…, it’s daniel fielding.” “awesome, thank you so much!” landon forgot his annoyance at being scolded and rushed back to the er and found a nurse hanging out at the desk. he was relieved when he saw a look of recognition on her face when he mentioned daniel’s name. “yes, that sounds familiar; i think he usually works the night shift. hmm, i wonder how we could get a hold of him...what’s this for?” “um…i was in a car accident and he was the person who signed my chart bringing me in. i ah…wanted to thank him.” “oh, isn’t that sweet! why don’t you leave him a message and i can get it to one of the medics who will probably know how to find him.” landon didn’t want to release his number, but in this case, he reasoned it was worth it and hoped that daniel would get the message and call him back. ---------a couple of days later, after landon was about to hunt daniel fielding down himself, he got the call. “ah, is this landon stern?” “yes.” “wow. cool. hey, it’s dan fielding, you called about the night we brought you in?” “yeah, yeah, who was with me when you arrived? i know that there was a woman with me before you got there. i’m trying to find her;do you know who i’m talking about?” “oh…is that all?” daniel’s aked in disappointment.

“yeah, well…i wanted to thank you too of course, so do you remember the girl?” “mmm, yeah, i remember her because i was wondering how she knew so much about your injuries. i assumed she was a doctor or something. it might have been too late by the time we got to you. she kept you warm, secured an airway and slowed most of your bleeding.” landon pumped his fist like tiger woods always did after he made a spectacular putt. “did you get her name or what she looked like?” “i’m sorry, i don’t remember her name, or if she even gave me one. i remember though that i thought she was really young looking…maybe blonde hair?” landon did his best to form a mental image of her. dan continued. “on the shorter side? i’m sorry, it was dark and we were obviously in a hurry.” “um, that’s all right, thanks, i really appreciate your help.” “you know,” daniel started, “it was probably her that called 9-1-1 and they keep track of every phone call made.” landon kicked himself. why the hell hadn’t he thought of that in the first place? i am a stupid hockey player, i am a stupid hockey player… “oh, yeah…duh. thanks man.” “no problem. hey, we look forward to seeing you back on the ice soon!” “ah, yeah. thanks, me too.” after he hung up the phone, landon dialed the only person he could think of that would know how to get a hold of the 9-1-1 records; his lawyer, ken wolfe. --------“i got her,” stated the attorney triumphantly when he called landon back a few days later. “her name is kayla moore, she’s a twenty-eight year old resident in emergency medicine at hennepin county medical center.” landon started to feel nervous. kayla was a pretty name…and the same age as landon. he repeated it over and over in his head like a mantra. “anything else?” he asked. “no, i managed to get an address and telephone number, but i figured that’s all you needed.” “thanks ken…i can’t thank you enough.” he paused and then added, “you didn’t have to do anything illegal to find out who she was, did you?” “don’t worry about it,” joked ken. landon laughed. “how much do i owe you?”

“eh, nothin.’ consider it a belated get well present!” landon jotted down kayla’s information and thanked ken again before he ended the call. he stared down at the piece of paper with her name on it. kayla moore. doctor kayla moore. wow. so she was real after all, not some figment of his hallucinogenic/inebriated state. and not some angel sent from above either…or perhaps… maybe she was.

he debated several days concocting a scheme of how to approach her and eventually decided to stake out where she worked and catch a glimpse of her first. besides, the police might come after him if he lurked outside of her house too long. it was a cop-out. so what? he told himself her physical appearance was of no importance given the fact she saved his life. superficial dumbass! but in the end, he decided that he still wanted see her in person instead of over the phone. he was a little curious…okay, a lot curious. by this time, at a hefty cost, he was able to have his driver’s license reinstated and drove himself to the hennepin county medical center after he was finished with his daily bout of physical therapy. upon arrival, he found a curvaceous black woman sitting at the information desk examining her hot pink nails. she looked up at him after he cleared his throat to get her attention and snapped her gum. “um, i’m looking for doctor moore, kayla moore?” “mmm hmm, you got an appointment here for sumpin’?” she asked in her thick ebonic accent. it was safe to assume she was fairly disinterested in landon’s request. “no, i’m just a friend,” he lied. “you dunno where she works here?” “the emergency room? ah, she’s a resident?” the lady nodded slowly and responded, “well, i could axe for da number to page her, but they’d hafta look to find list of the residents here—” “no!” shouted landon a little too quickly. she raised her eyebrows at him suspiciously. “i mean,” he stammered, “i-i don’t want to bother her, that’s all right.” landon cursed to himself over and over realizing this was bad idea. he walked back towards the entrance doors; ready to chicken out for the day. what am i even going to say to her? then he decided to do something a tad more inadvertent and dialed 4-1-1 on his cellular for the nearest florist.

landon told them to pick out their freshest and prettiest bouquet of the day and have it sent asap to dr. kayla moore in the emergency department at hcmc. he took a seat near the waiting area outside sliding glass doors marking the entrance into the large emergency room layout. he nervously bounced his knee up and down. what if she’s not even here? he suddenly wanted to bolt out the main entrance like a coward, but sat and waited with his sweaty palms anyway. about forty-five minutes later, landon looked up from his hiding post behind the magazine he wasn’t reading and saw a person walk in concealed by an obnoxious array of colorful flowers. the delivery person set them on the information desk, spoke a few words to lady landon had talked to and then took off. ---------“…as you can see here, mrs. goobner has several complications….” kayla moore glanced at the time on her pager. the morning rounds for the cardiology patients were going on two hours. she hated when the chief resident did rounds. “ab,” short for “arrogant bastard,” as they referred to him as, always blabbered on about mindless details of the patients rarely stopping to ask the first years or medical students what they recommended for treatment. he was too concerned about spouting his plethora of knowledge and dressing in his ridiculous armani to care for input from the lower peons of the food chain in the residency program. beep beep beep. kayla reflexively hit the respond button on the pager and slipped it out of its holder. she was surprised at the alpha message that scrolled across the screen. someone delivered flowers for you. lori. she released a barely audible squeal of delight. flowers? “what are you so giddy about?” her co-first year resident who would be sharing most of her rotations that year, whispered out of the side of his mouth. kayla stuck the pager in ron’s face to show him the message. “princess,” he muttered and winked. “they better not be from you,” she hissed back. ron leaned down closer to her ear. “you wish. i’m above such girlish notions of romance.” “ahem! rj? you have something you’d like to share with the rest of us?” ab glared at the two of them. “ah, um…yes sir. kayla and i really have to go to the bathroom.” ab narrowed his eyes in annoyance and scoffed. “together?” “yeah…well, you see, i sprained my back yesterday playing basketball and i need kayla to wipe my ass.” kayla, along with the rest of the group snickered.

ab rolled his eyes. “go on, we’re pretty much done anyway.” “you’re coming with?” she turned tease ron who was following her to the elevators. “no, i actually do have to go to the bathroom, but i wanna know who my competition is when i get back!” --------landon was perplexed at his nervousness. this was worse than the first time he tried to kiss a girl. he watched a woman emerge through the elevators doors as if floating in slow motion and knew without a doubt it was her. he didn’t need to read the embroidered name on her knee length white coat. a familiar song began to play in his mind with the same lyrics repeating over and over: do you realize… that you have… the most …beautiful face…? he made up his mind that it would forever be her theme song. his heart plummeted into his stomach. “i’m in trouble,” he whispered to himself knowing he’d never want to take his eyes off her again. landon’s fantasies about her appearance never could have done her justice, but it wasn’t that doctor moore was the most gorgeous woman he’d ever seen. in fact, the world wouldn’t consider her a sex symbol by any stretch of the imagination, but to landon, the only way he could describe her face was utterly and completely adorable. it was void of any heavy make-up and had no distinctive features, no high cheekbones or prominent nose and yet it was the kind of face he’d never tire looking at… so young, so ageless. she could have easily been mistaken for a seventeen year old with her wavy sun kissed, blonde hair tossed up carelessly in a messy ponytail; a few misbehaving curls escaping. he noticed that she was petite; probably no more than five foot-three. he entertained the thought of easily sweeping her up in his arms. landon watched in dire anticipation as the receptionist pointed to the flowers and kayla’s small pouty lips were suddenly lit into the most beautiful row of teeth he had ever seen. he studied the way she opened the card anxiously. the florist was instructed to write: from a grateful admirer. kayla surveyed the room with apprehension. probably one of the schizos that frequents the emergency room, she thought to herself in irritation. repeat patients were just her absolute favorite; especially the ones who proposed to her on a regular basis. she scanned the waiting area for any scary looking men giving her goo-goo eyes. then her gaze locked onto landon’s and muttered a curse to herself in shock. landon rose from his seat unsure if his legs could carry him. he couldn’t quite read the expression on her face as he approached her; a mix between dread, shock and humbleness. “um, yeah… that’s me,” he nodded to the card she held in her hands. “landon stern,” he offered her his hand. she stared at his hand as if it were some strange foreign object and reluctantly shook it. “i know,” she stated evenly, displaying little emotion. “i see you recovered quite nicely.”

he was a little disappointed when she didn’t clutch her heart and swoon. “i had to find you,” confessed landon taking in shallow gulps of air; miserably groping for words. “you saved my life. i’m standing here because of you.” kayla looked down at the ground and then back up him. he could’ve gotten lost in her blue eyes; not wanting her to look away…ever. “mr. stern,” she began. kayla wondered if she had a bug crawling out from her nose from the way landon was staring at her so intently. “landon,” he blurted out to correct her. he wasn’t sure what expression to pull out of his hat. dumfounded was predominating at the moment. she blushed and took a deep breath. oh, please say my name one more time. he remembered thinking her voice had reminded him of the gorgeous beethoven melodies his mother used to play on the piano and he really wanted to make her blush again. it was probably the cutest damned thing he’d ever seen. “landon, i appreciate the flowers, but it’s because of god that you’re alive. not me.” she graciously nodded to him and prepared to leave without bothering to take the flowers with her. “wait!” he cried. her words struck him like someone had slapped him on the back to get him to breathe. “at least let me take you out to dinner, or something.” kayla bit her lip in uncertainty. there was no way she was going to satisfy the brute’s hormones so he could brag to everyone that he screwed a doctor. after all, professional athletes had a reputation to maintain. she turned around reluctantly. “i’m, ah, on call tonight.” “tomorrow?” landon persisted hopefully. she sighed in irritation. “look, this was a really sweet gesture, but i’m very busy and you needn’t feel the obligation. i was just doing what i’m trained to do and thank god, i happened to be driving behind you.” “okay,” he wasn’t going to give up, not when he’d come this far. “on the off chance of exposing myself as a stalker, i won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. ah, you can even bring your boyfriend, husband…or bodyguard?” she giggled and sighed in defeat. why does he have to be so damn good looking? she whined to herself. “all right. i’m off friday evening.” a huge smile washed over landon. “do you like chinese?” she nodded. “great. can you meet me at six-thirty at the bandstand on lake harriet?”

she playfully pretended to be annoyed. “fine, and you don’t mind if i bring someone along?” kayla enjoyed the look of disenchantment he was trying to hide on his face. “no! not at all!” he lied. “well, i have to get back to work now, i’ll see you friday.” her tiny frame disappeared around the hall and he let out the huge volume of air he’d been holding as his eyes trailed behind her. he walked out feeling like a million bucks except…wouldn’t his lawyer have mentioned if she were married? he wished he had looked for a ring on her hand. even if she’s not married or engaged, of course she has a boyfriend, moron. look at how cute she is! maybe he could always steal her away, but he knew that although he was a jerk to women, he’d never been one to stoop that low. the thought of how he treated the opposite sex reminded him of his father once more. like father, like son…landon recalled the memories of his whore mongering excuse for a dad. ----------when friday came, landon took the liberty of ordering nearly everything on the menu from his favorite chinese take-out. he assumed what ever kayla and her “guest” didn’t eat, he could take home for leftovers. it was mid-july which meant the lake was packed with people; especially tonight when it was turning into a beautiful, warm evening. it usually didn’t get too humid until august and landon basked in the pleasant weather; surprised that the mosquitoes weren’t in full effect, but the blood suckers typically attacked more vigorously when the sun went down. he arrived about ten minutes early and hoped the food wouldn’t get too cold. luckily, there wasn’t a concert going on that night at the bandstand, otherwise they’d have to walk around the lake till they found a place to sit down that wasn’t covered in goose crap. he sat on the corner of the stage anxiously awaiting her arrival. “planning on feeding everyone at the lake tonight?” landon quickly turned to his right where he heard her melodious voice come from. she had managed to sneak up on him. glancing around to see whom she had brought with her, an enormous smile erupted from his face when he looked down at her side. she had a golden retriever sitting next to her; its tongue lapping lazily out the side of his mouth. “is this your bodyguard?” he asked not disguising the relief in his voice as he hopped down off the stage. she laughed, enjoying the fast one she pulled on him. kayla had been watching him fidget for a few moments before she approached him. he was sickeningly gorgeous wearing long khaki cargo shorts exposing his beautifully sculpted calves and a white polo shirt with all the buttons undone. his unruly dark waves of hair had been blowing across his forehead. why did i agree to this? she reprimanded herself nearly backing down and retreating. there wasn’t any chance of her not flirting shamelessly with him.

the sound of kayla’s laughter captured landon. if her voice was beethoven, then her laughter was mozart. he loved the way her eyes danced with glee. she looked even more adorable than when he’d seen her at the hospital a few days ago. her long golden hair hung in loose waves at her shoulders. she was wearing light blue capris with tan platform sandals that gave her a couple more inches to her petite stature; her white cotton peasant blouse blowing carelessly in the breeze. “well, are you going to introduce me?” asked landon nodding down to her pet. “landon, this is clive, my pride and joy.” landon leaned down and scratched clive behind the ears. “you take good care of her, huh boy?” landon spoke to the dog that was happily wagging his tail. “where’d you get the name clive?” landon turned his attention back to kayla. “i named him after my favorite author, c.s. lewis. though, i doubt if he were alive today, he would appreciate having a dog named after him!” landon recognized the name, but admitted he’d never read any of his works. “what a shame, you’ve missed out,” clucked kayla. “well maybe you’ll have to lend me one of his books.” she pretended to look confused. “i thought hockey players didn’t know how to read!” landon faked being punched in the stomach. “wow! that was below the belt! i see you can dish it, i’ll have to see if you can take it!” the feistiness heightened his attraction towards her. she smiled slyly and narrowed her eyes playfully. “bring it!” she challenged. “did you bring an appetite along with your insults?” kayla grinned and climbed up on the stage with clive following and layed down behind her. “i’m starving!” “i didn’t know what you’d like, so i ordered almost everything,” landon confessed boosting himself back up as well to sit next to her. kayla giggled, subtly moved by his gesture. he kicked his feet against the stage nervously and decided to talk about something easy, something he knew she liked…her dog. “how old is he?” “about five years. i’m such a sucker for almost any kind of animal, but especially golden retrievers. squirrels come in a close second, but they don’t make very good pets. and golden retrievers think they’re people! i feel bad that i don’t have a friend for clive to play with because i’m hardly at home. i pay the neighbor kids to come over and give him attention.”

landon laughed. “are you serious? you actually pay someone to keep your dog occupied.” she played that he had hurt her feelings. “well, i can’t be accused of neglecting him!” he shook his head. “the things people do for their pets.” “yes, i know. i’ll be the first to admit guilt to being quite obsessive.” landon grinned and then changed the subject. “so what made you want to be a doctor?” kayla sighed. “um, i don’t know really. i guess i felt a need to serve people and god just blessed me with the resources and ability to do so…not that it has been easy. i’ve always been scared that i’m doing it for other reasons.” “what do you mean?” inquired landon. “well, you know…things like prestige and money. those things have never been important to me, but i wouldn’t be human if i hadn’t considered how much other people’s approval meant to me.” she paused and exhaled. “i’ve always been more worried about what others think of me rather than what god thinks.” “so you know a lot about religion?” landon asked with curious honesty. kayla smiled and shook her head. “i know about god, not so much about religion.” seeing the blank stare on his face, she elaborated. “i mean, religion is something humans made up to put god in a box; a way of having rules and regulations that they could impose on themselves and the rest of the world, but in doing so they missed the point. i know that the body of believers has to have some sort of organization in order to come together and worship, but have you ever heard the saying that it’s about a relationship, not a religion?” landon shrugged and scoffed. “to be honest, i figured if god was real, he didn’t much care about anything.” he looked at his feet and then turned his eyes towards kayla. for some reason he felt at ease with her. she had a calm peacefulness about her. it seemed to emanate from her in waves that washed over him. the fact that she was willing to talk candidly about such things like faith, that most people never bothered to scratch the surface of in casual conversation, made him trust her. “i remember you…you prayed for me when i was dying. i’ve never really heard anyone pray so earnestly,” he let out a small sarcastic laugh, “especially for me!” she furrowed her eyebrows in curiosity and astonishment. “really? i can’t believe you remember anything at all!” and then her face took on a tone of sadness. “why did you try to find me? was it really just to thank me and nothing else?” it was almost frightening at how she seemed to be reaching into the depths of his mind so quickly and with such ease. he wasn’t even sure why he had tried so hard to find her. was it more than just offer gratitude? if that was all, he could have just sent her a thank you card: thanks for saving my ass, though i’m sure society would be better off without it. har har, peace out…. landon coughed out a nervous laugh and rubbed the back of his neck. “i guess maybe, i

wanted to thank you not just for saving my life, but…” he wasn’t sure he wanted to admit it, but continued bravely, “to be honest, i was pretty depressed that night, and guess i didn’t really care whether i lived or died…but you did.” “oh,” she whispered softly; bereft of any other words. her preconceived notions about landon being the stereotypical jerk of a hockey player were fading away. his confession wasn’t a ploy for sympathy. the pained softness of his dark eyes could not have been feigned even by the greatest of thespians. landon continued to mumble, “and…and hearing your words, knowing that someone wanted me to live…well…” he let his words trail off. kayla lowered her head so she could look at his downcast face and gave him a reassuring smile once he looked into her eyes. “sometimes, it’s hard for us to figure out why life is worth living, isn’t it?” he was taken aback by her response; assuming she would just offer him some cliché words to console him, but she had actually admitted to the humanity of his feelings. landon felt his heart surge with an unfamiliar feeling. was he turning soft in his old age? they continued to finish up the chinese food in silence and landon chortled as she fed bits of her food to clive. “aren’t you a tad worried it’s going to come out the wrong end?!” . kayla smirked and rolled her eyes. “well then why did you buy it for us to eat!?” she countered. he shook his head and smiled. kayla ruffled the dog’s soft floppy ears. “ahh, he’s just like me. we eat what we want and then run it off!” “you’re a runner?” asked landon. she nodded. “yeah, back in the day. i’ll never be in the shape i was in college, but manage to get out about three or four days a week when i’m not working.” “and you take him along?” landon nodded towards clive. “yeah, he keeps away strange men who try to offer me flowers,” she smirked flirtatiously at him. that sent landon musing as he returned the grin. he didn’t want this to be the only encounter he had with this delectable woman. “you know… i could use a running partner to get me back into shape for the season.” please say yes, please say yes… “um…” kayla was unsure what his motives were in asking her, but decided it wouldn’t hurt to say, “sure, why not?” landon smiled in satisfaction; doing the tiger woods fist pump was probably not in his best interests at the moment.

kayla glanced down at clive. “you know, he’ll be mad at me if i took him to the lake and then didn’t let him swim.” she scooted off the stage and clive followed her. “swim?!” landon exclaimed. “c’mon,” she beckoned and landon followed them over to the beach. he followed after them, but stood back. “you gonna stay over there?” she asked laughing as clive tugged her towards the water. he nodded; content to just watch her from where he was standing. it was a good view. kayla rolled up her capris, kicked off her sandals and took a tennis ball out from her purse. she waded into the lake and threw the ball out. on cue, clive burst through the water, grabbed the ball and waded back to kayla getting her soaked in the process. landon watched her in awe. she could’ve cared less that her dumb dog was getting her all wet and sandy. the wind blew and lifted her hair up in every direction like a halo and eyes danced while the contagious laughter filled his ears. like art in motion. he didn’t recognize the butterflies in his stomach…he had never felt them before.

landon stern occupied nearly all of kayla’s thoughts later that evening when she returned home, though she had tried hard to purge them. so she was attracted to him; the very fact he was a media darling with the opposite sex made it easy to excuse that…big deal. true love ran much deeper and kayla was never one to develop crushes on men she had no future with. landon was one of those men. landon was most definitely one of those men. she wouldn’t dare throw away her beliefs and convictions based on the “hot and bothered” magnetism she had towards him. besides, he probably was going to toss her number aside anyway. he could have any girl he wanted. yet she didn’t want to alienate him either if he was in need of a friend, she thought as she remembered his sincerity about someone caring whether or not he lived, but there would be no point to imagine a future with him if she couldn’t see herself marrying him. marriage meant too much to her; almost painfully too much. kayla shook her head to fight off the sadness and guilt that threatened to overwhelm her whenever she thought about michael. if she found herself remotely attracted to a man, his face was flash in her mind; the very mention of marriage and sex enough to cause the burdening emotions to grip her heart. over the years the ache had subsided, but once and awhile would seem to spring

back to life at the most unexpected of times in the most unexpected situations. ----------when landon called a few days later, she was both excited and hesitant. part of her had hoped he wouldn’t call so she could just get over the initial attraction, but the other part desperately wanted him to because of the developing crush her mind was running away with; albeit a lame star-struck crush. she met him at lake harriet again with clive, but this time he had given her directions to his house and they started their run from his front steps and took off around the threemile circumference of the lake. kayla enjoyed running with other people. you could talk if you wanted, but didn’t feel awkward if there was silence; pretend you were concentrating on not keeling over from lack of oxygen. as it turned out, there wasn’t much silence between them. both took pleasure in how easy it was to carry on a conversation with one another and discovered they’d each gone to high school in the suburbs and graduated the same year; she from eden prairie and he from edina. kayla narrowed her eyes at him when he confessed his affiliation with wealthy suburb. “cake eater,” she replied with sarcastic jealousy. when he told her about his father’s wealth, she questioned why he didn’t go to a private school. “i went to blake until i was a sophomore, but after my mother died i transferred to the public school.” “i’m sorry about your mother,” she said quietly. “where’s your father?” “he passed away too,” landon said so hastily that kayla knew better than to breech that topic. when they made it back to his house, he insisted that she stay for lunch and it was difficult to turn him down considering the eager look on his face. he had the same expression clive did whenever she was ready to throw the tennis ball to play fetch. landon gave her the grand tour of his home and liked bragging about all the handiwork he had done himself after he had purchased it three years ago. kayla glanced around in each room. there weren’t any pictures of friends or family. absent too was any vanity shrine from all his athletic achievements. she found that interesting; expecting him to brag about his “hardware.” “what do you want on your sandwich?” he asked once they were back in the kitchen. kayla stole a peek out the backyard window to see if clive was behaving himself. the dog was attempting to scratch his back by writhing on the grass with his legs flailing in the air; tongue lopped out the side. “ah…whatever…as long as you got pickles,” she turned and grinned at him. landon grimaced and stuck his tongue. “you’re probably one of those who likes mustard too, huh?”

“i like the salt,” she protested. “oh, well if that’s the case, i can just grab the salt shaker and have you pop open your mouth. it’ll speed up the coronary you’re bound to have before you’re thirty-five.” “yeah, whatever, lush,” she jibed back at him. landon shook his head in playful menace. “you have no sympathy for aa members?” “sure i do,” she leaned against the counter and crossed her arms. “but how many recovering alcoholics do you know that are in denial?” kayla nodded over at the empty beer bottles on the counter. landon scratched his head in guilt. “what those? those are…plant…holders.” kayla laughed and then her face turned serious. “i’m sorry landon. i honestly didn’t mean to tease you about your drinking. that was just mean.” landon handed her a sandwich. “we’re even. i don’t have any pickles.” kayla thanked him and they sat down at the bar of his kitchen island. they traded stories of their glory days in college athletics. she was an all-american in track and field and cross-country, but claimed that her achievements where no where near landon’s considering he actually got to play a sport for money. he admitted his pride towards the fact, but over the years it didn’t seem to matter as much. “such is life, huh?” she replied when he told her that. “we try to find fulfillment in other people’s admiration, the medals and accolades, but i found out the hard way that in the end it’s all just a bunch of bullshit.” landon nearly squirted his milk through his nose when he heard her swear. he hadn’t thought it possible for a mouth as sweet as hers to say anything foul. “such naughty words out of such a little mouth,” he stated coyly poking her lips. “naughty, huh?” she giggled at the look of shock and amusement in his eyes. “sorry, but is there really any other way to describe it?” she confessed. landon looked at her for a moment. she was the only person to admit what he was afraid of admitting; that all the recognition and fame him the world wasn’t really all it seemed cracked up to be. kayla glanced at her watch and grabbed a few more potato chips. “i’m sorry, but i have to go. i’m on call tonight and need to get some sleep.” landon was disappointed, but that an understatement. hell, crushed was more like it. he wanted to talk to her for hours; wanted to crawl inside her brain and know her inside out. never had he wanted to spend so much time with a woman before. “we still on for this

thursday, same time? i could drive over to your place.” “nah, that’s okay, i like running around these lakes. we could do calhoun next time,” she said referring to the lake next to harriet. she started to turn away and then hesitated. taking a few steps toward landon she brushed her thumb across his upper lip to wipe away the milk mustache and fought the urge to suck her thumb dry. that would be a little too obvious. landon thought that was just about the most erotic thing a woman had ever done to him. kayla turned and smiled to herself with her back facing landon as she walked out the porch to retrieve clive from the backyard. “clive! come here sweet pea!” clive came bounding up to her and kayla leaned down to tell him what a good boy he was and kissed his nose. landon desperately wished he were that dog. “um…” he scratched his head as he followed her out front to her car. “i really like talking to you.” she smiled; finding his apparent shyness endearing. “me too,” she opened up the passenger door of her convertible and let clive jump in the seat as if it were completely normal for a dog to settle himself in the passenger side. he cocked his head at kayla as if to say: “are you coming?” kayla bit her lip to hold back a smile, walked around to the driver’s side and leaned against the car door; afraid to look landon in the eye. he was standing a little too close to her. better run…now. she threw open the door and it slammed into landon’s knee. “oh shit! i mean…oh crap! i’m sorry!” kayla dropped to her knees and began gingerly touching the red spot where she nailed him. landon hopped up and down and then stopped when her fingers touched him. he found himself giggling. kayla looked up at him. “ticklish?” “obvious?” “at least i know your weakness now?” she winked at him. he chuckled and felt like telling her that she was soon becoming the most lethal weakness he had ever encountered. wanna go take a shower together? “i guess i’ll see you…?” he asked her trying to break the silence. kayla nodded shyly and mumbled more apologies for bashing his knee as she lowered herself into her car and backed out of his driveway. ----------kayla scrawled her signature on the prescription pad and tore it off. “kay…did you check out the sports section in the trib this morning?”

she glared at lori in a friendly manner. “no, do i have to ask why?” “on page eight there’s a blurb on a certain hockey player who is showing a remarkable recovery from a car accident last winter. been giving him extra therapy?” kayla took the pen in her hand and chucked it at lori. the nurse ducked, laughing. “easy ladies, there’s plenty of me to go around, no need to fight!” ron strolled in and winked at the two of them. “ugh! finally, r.j!” kayla whined. he was an hour late in relieving her from the overnight shift that morning. “hey, i’m sorry…i’ll make it up to you.” she slapped a clipboard onto his chest. “no admins all night. deb and i tagged teamed! cardiology sucks. too many gomers.” “then what’s this?” he asked taking the clipboard in his hand. “the recently triaged.” ron rolled his eyes and leafed his way through the charts. “by the way, did ya read the sports section this morning?” kayla threw up her arms in exasperation and sighed loudly as she stomped off to the locker room to grab her things. she avoided answering any questions about landon stern, of all people, bringing her flowers last week. the nurses all thought it was terribly romantic that she had saved his life, but kayla shrugged it off as no big deal. to be honest, at first, when she had read the headlines the following day after the press caught wind of landon’s accident, she was shocked not realizing that he was the one that lay in her arms that night. of course, she hadn’t recognized him in the dark with his face all bloodied, but she had more than once taken notice of his good looks when she watched him on television. she wasn’t a huge hockey fan, but growing up in the “state of hockey” guaranteed that she be one even by the smallest margin. thanks to the media coverage and constant updates from her “gracious” co-workers, kayla knew he was making a nice recovery without having to check for herself, but she had never in a million years expected to see how well his recovery had been in person. even more surprised was she at how much she enjoyed his company; hoping it what just a side effect of being in the presence of a local celebrity. the more time she spent with landon though, the more she forgot what he was and saw more of who he was. ---------“why’d you get so jaded about running, miss all-american?” he tugged at her ponytail as they jogged around the lake. kayla ducked her head in annoyance and swatted him as she thought back those days with

a mixture of fondness and sadness. fondness of her love for the sport and sadness at what she felt she had never accomplished. “every time i step foot on a track i still get nervous. it’s like an automatic reaction.” landon smiled, knowing exactly what she meant. it didn’t matter how many hockey games he had played, he still felt like hurling before every one. “running made me feel like i was worth something, without it, i wasn’t sure who i was. my parents divorced when i was younger and i loved how proud my dad was of me whenever i brought home a new ribbon or a medal. it wasn’t just his attention i craved. when i saw how much people loved me when i ran fast, it only reinforced my belief that they only loved me if i was good. the pressure nearly killed me when i was a sophomore in college. i started to lose my confidence and felt i could put control back into my life by starving myself basically. it made me feel powerful, like a drug, but they ended up putting me in a hospital when i weighed eighty pounds. i never ran competitively after that again.” landon listened intently. “why?” he asked. “i don’t get it. if you loved it so much, why?” “because i knew that i would never be able to do it for the right reasons.” “what ‘right reasons?’” he inquired. he had often asked himself why he cared so much about hockey. she shrugged, “i doubt you’d understand.” he was slightly hurt that she had gone so far as to be this honest and yet hold back. “try me.” “well, the only reason i’d ever do it again, to be honest, is to either please other people, or glorify myself and once again use it to define who i was as a person. i guess my faith has taught me there are better ways to define yourself.” “so because i’m not religious, i wouldn’t understand,” landon remarked in a somewhat hurtful tone. kayla felt awful for how her words came across. “no!” she cried. “i’m sorry landon, it’s just that—” “it’s all right,” he stopped her from saying more. “i don’t understand. i mean why else do something you’re good at if you don’t gain something from it personally in the process.” she turned the questions towards him. “is that why you play hockey?” “i don’t know to be honest. i just love playing it. i’d play for free, but right before my accident i began asking myself the same question. would anyone still care about me if i didn’t play hockey?” kayla turned to look into his eyes and smiled softly. he did understand. ----------

for the next month, they spent time every tuesday and thursday as running partners. landon opened up more about his father, something he’d never done with anyone. “yeah, my dad mitch inherited his father’s company. he always got what he wanted…and he wanted my mom from the first moment he saw her as a waitress.” he shook his head in disgust. “she was just a trophy wife though, but the best damn mom i could’ve ever wished for.” “what happened to her?” kayla asked gently. landon hesitated. “she committed suicide when i was fifteen.” kayla stopped dead in her tracks from running around the lake. “landon, i am so sorry. did you ever…talk to anyone about this?” her genuine concern caught him off guard. “ah…i had to talk about it as part of my drug rehab.” “oh,” kayla resumed running, but then stopped to happily greet a squirrel. she hunched down and examined it closely, yet still carried on her conversation. “when were you in rehab?” landon bent his head curiously; trying to figure out her fascination with the animal. “i ah…started using shortly after my mom died. i’m pathetic though, let’s talk about you. tell me more about your family.” they resumed their jog once the squirrel took off up a tree much to kayla’s disappointment. “mine’s not much better. sounds like we both lucked out in the mom department though. my dad walked out on us when i was little and my mom divorced him soon after that. i’d see him occasionally. but i eventually learned to forgive him.” once they made it twice around the lake, they looked eagerly at the water. “wanna go in?” landon asked excitedly. “huh?” she mumbled; her eyes lingered on the sweat dripping down landon’s chest longer than she had intended. he almost belonged on the cover of an abercrombie & fitch catalogue; the only catalogue that actually sold clothes by showing people not wearing any. she noticed his tattoo also. it was etched into the circumference of his generous left bicep as a barbed wire. it was sexy. “what’s with the tattoo?” she asked trying to hide her obvious lust. he glanced at it rolled his eyes modestly. “just something i did awhile back. it doesn’t mean anything, but…” he cocked his eyebrows in sarcastic flirtation. “…i hear the chicks dig it.” kayla furrowed her brow trying to convey apparent disgust, but turned her face away

before he could notice the pink hue creeping up her cheeks. “you know…” he continued; his grin widening. “did i tell you about the time i got expelled from school?” she bit her lip to hold back the contagious smile. she could only imagine what childish comment he was about to make. sighing in exasperation, she decided to play along. “uh…no.” he flexed the bicep with the tattoo. “yeah…i got in trouble for bringing my guns to school.” she doubled over in laugher. landon winked at her mischievously; pleased he elicited that wonderful sounding giggle and took his chance to catch her even more off guard by tickling her. she screeched with laughter and tried to fight him off. he threw her over his shoulder instead. “c’mon, little one!” landon took off towards the lake. “no! landon….!” the water felt like ice in contrast to the humid heat that had been radiating from their skin. landon grabbed her ankle as she tried to swim under the water and pulled her back. he wrapped his arm around her waist and lifted her out of the water as he pressed her back into his chest. her petite body made him feel like he was cradling a doll. kayla held her breath in a futile effort to still her heart from racing. she wasn’t some stupid teenager, but a grown woman; it wasn’t fair to lead landon on like this when there was no chance of a future between them. he wanted to lean down and kiss her neck, but she wriggled out of his grasp and swam toward the shore. the sand clung to her soaked tennis shoes as she trudged out onto the grass from the beach. with her back facing the lake she tugged on the rubber band to free it from her thick, wet mop. it was going to take an extra bottle of conditioner to get through the sweaty, lake water infested tangles. kayla bent her head over tried to shake out her hair. maybe she could shake away the emotions still racing through her veins from being so close to landon. as she whipped her hair back, she felt it slap against something or someone. “holy bat hair, robin! we've just found a new weapon!” if only every other comment from his mouth didn’t leave her in stitches, he’d be easier to stay away from. kayla whipped around and chuckled. “sorry. you need to warn someone when you’re sneaking up on them.” “doesn’t that negate the very definition of ‘sneaking?’” he toyed with her and reached out

to squeeze her nose between his thumb and finger. kayla batted his hand away and planted her hands on her hips. “ow! you know, you are the most incorrigible human being i have ever met.” landon flashed a toothy grin and beamed as if she had just paid him the highest compliment. “why, thank you."

kayla sat down at her computer before going to bed. she and landon had been e-mailing each other for the past few weeks “would you rather” questions for a good laugh. her question for landon queried whether he would rather live on the top floor of a fifty story building with no elevator or have a duck follow him around wherever he went; quacking at random times. she nearly fell off her chair from laughing so hard at his response. i’d pick the duck. then i could train him to bite off my opponent’s nuts in the middle of a game and sing ‘sexual healing’ while i made love to you. okay, lets see. here’s mine. would you rather see the reflection of lloyd christmas staring back at you from the mirror every day, or have barry white’s ‘can’t get enough of your love’ start playing every time you entered into a room? by the way, i got you a ticket to our pre season opener. come? pleez? yours truly, lms kayla was about respond when the phone rang. she picked it up. “hey, little one. what are you doing?” “i was about to email you back. you know there are more intelligent movies out there to waste your time watching than just ‘dumb and dumber?’” “yeah, but then who would i steal all my classic one liners from?” she giggled. “what do ya want?” she asked pretending to be irritated. “i had a craving for raspberry ice tea from taco bell. wanna come with me?” kayla smiled to herself. “sounds nice, but i have to be at the hospital at six. i’m working at north this whole month.” “oh…okay.” he sounded like a boy who just discovered santa claus wasn’t real. “hey, can you come to our game on saturday?” “i wish, but—”

“you’re busy stamping out disease and pestilence?” “someone’s gotta do it,” she giggled. “okay, doll face. i’ll talk to you later then. sweet dreams.” “g’night, landon.” ---------the pre-season never intimidated landon much, but he’d been thinking about kayla’s comment regarding how much others’ opinions meant. he didn’t want to be a “has been,” after only seven years in the pros and even worse, he didn’t want people to pity him because of his accident. landon sent tickets to the alworth family along with a friendly note inviting them to one of his preseason games. cody had been more than excited, especially when landon met with the family after the game and handed cody the winning puck. it was the first time he had really chatted with the boy’s parents other than the occasional brief interlude at the hospital. he reached out and shook their hands and ruffled cody’s honey brown hair. “landon, this was really kind of you. it wasn’t necessary. ” said mrs. alworth. he shoved his hands in his pockets awkwardly and shrugged. he wished he was able to convey that he didn’t view cody as a charity gimmick to win the public’s affection. he never told anyone who he gave away the tickets to and the media was no where to be found. “it was no big deal. i wish i could have gotten tickets for the whole family.” cody’s father waved his. “no, that’s all right. this was fun for code, huh, buddy?” he winked at his son. “his sisters were happy to get us out of the house and our littlest one is with grandma and grandpa.” “how’ve you been doing, cody?” landon turned to his young friend. cody shrugged. “eh…okay. anything is better than the hospital!” “god has been so good to us.” mrs. alworth folded her arms as the grateful smile that graced her lips radiated from her eyes. landon scowled for a split second, before forcing a smile; hoping the alworth’s didn’t catch the flash of frustration in his eyes. if god was so good, why did he allow their son to be inflicted with cancer in the first place? “landon…we’d love to repay you for your generosity and have you join us for dinner next week,” mrs. alworth’s bright green eyes lit up. “yea! please!” cody jumped up and down. “um…sure,” landon acquiesced.

“we understand if you’re busy. why don’t you call us with a good time for you! and feel free to bring a…friend….with.” cody’s mom blushed slightly from discomfort. landon chuckled and scratched the back of his neck. “ah…okay.” ---------he managed to convince the one and only person he wanted to accompany him for the family dinner to give in. kayla reluctantly agreed after convincing herself that it was nothing other than casually hanging out with a good friend; that and the fact one couldn’t really call it a date. kayla had done her best to avoid any prolonged encounters with the two of them alone which landon found slightly annoying, only because the more time he spent talking to her, whether it be from e-mail, phone, or on a run, he craved more. elk river was about an hour’s drive north from the cities and kayla was content to hear all about landon’s hockey stories; from the days he began skating before he could even walk, to the ncaa division i championship the minnesota gophers had won his junior year before he was drafted. he even opened up about the year had to quit playing after his mother died because he had to go into rehab. “when i was a little kid and my dad pissed me off, i’d run away to the nearby rink and skate laps until my legs burned. anger management turned me into the player i am today,” he remarked cynically. “we all have our own twisted coping mechanisms to deal with pain, huh?” she said more as a statement than a question. “you still struggle a lot with the booze and drugs?” landon shrugged. “i tend to try and avoid alcohol because i’m not sure if i’m an alcoholic in the strict sense everyone thinks i am, but i do use it i suppose as one of your so called ‘coping mechanisms.’” “well,” she turned to face him. “we’re just going to have to find some different ones for you because it looks like bucks, pucks and ...sex... " she smiked and continued, "....aren’t holding up their end of the bargain.” he laughed. how did she have this uncanny ability to size him up so accurately? “is that a promise?” he asked hopefully, but coyly. “hmm,” she smiled back and then turned her attention towards the passenger window noticing that they had entered into the town. landon reached behind his seat and grabbed an atlas; chucking it into kayla’s lap. “here, help me find the street.” kayla stared at the atlas as if he tossed her a dead, rotting fish. “landon, i don’t read map.” he belted out in laughter; trying not to swerve off the road. “you don’t read map!?” he hooted. she scowled at him while the corners of her lips twitched into an uncontainable smile.

he snatched the atlas back and glanced at it while trying to drive at the same time. “ah… we’re right here. can you read map, from there?” he mocked her. “ha, ha…” she squinted her eyes in annoyance and twisted the map around. “um…go right up here…oh, no, i mean left, no….” kayla held up her hands and made an l shape with both her thumbs and forefingers. “geez, brainiac, how’d you get past kindergarten, let alone med school?” landon snorted at the visual trick with her fingers. kayla turned and puffed out her chest in a haughty manner. “hey, it’s well a known fact that the brilliant people of the world are always underestimated in their intelligence level.” “but apparently not in their sense of direction.” landon pulled into the alworth’s driveway a few minutes later once they deciphered the information. cody came bounding outside before they even exited the car. “is this your girlfriend?” he asked unabashedly running up to landon. kayla and landon blushed and both exclaimed, “no!” at the same time. landon then grabbed cody and flipped him upside down playfully to carry him into the house while the boy laughed hysterically. they walked up to the porch and landon set cody down as they greeted the boy’s parents and were welcomed inside. it was a nice home, probably a little small for four kids, but to landon it felt like a real home with pictures and drawings covering the entire refrigerator’s exterior and worn out furniture from years of wear and tear. landon glanced around at the walls that were filled with generations of family pictures. mr. and mrs. alworth were still a good looking couple he noticed while smiling at their senior prom picture. mrs. alworth still had a cute petite figure that was slightly more filled out from having four children, but her eyes sparkled agelessly. mr. alworth had some thinning hair and a belly, but he still looked at his wife like she was god’s gift to men. neither had gone to college and were content raising their family in the same town they grew up in. they warmly welcomed landon and kayla into their home. cody’s older sisters were in high school while cody had been in and out of the fifth grade that year with his leukemia treatments. his younger brother was only three years old. “actually,” continued landon after the introductions, “this is the woman who came to my rescue after my car accident.” he smiled proudly at kayla as if he’d introduced the nobel peace prize winner. she rolled her eyes modestly. mr. and mrs. alworth looked pleasantly surprised and landon relayed his story of how he went about discovering her identity. when he finished, kayla immediately insisted on helping mrs. alworth in the kitchen despite her protests while cody dragged landon off to show him his video games.

when everyone had gathered around the table about fifteen minutes later for lasagna, mr. alworth asked cody if he wanted to say a blessing. cody’s eyes lit up and immediately began to list off everything he was thankful for even down to his new mortal kombat video game. kayla bowed her head and listened, but was never one to keep her eyes closed during a prayer and she stole a peek at landon from across the table. his deep brown eyes had been looking right back at her and they both stifled a giggle at catching each other. everyone wanted landon to talk about hockey, but he always managed to change the subject by asking questions about everyone else. cody was in full effect talking up a storm about everything from his classmates and teachers, to comic books he read, all the while dropping hints about what he wanted for christmas even though it was still well over two months away. his sisters remained mute and occasionally wiped the drool off their mouths from staring at landon for so long. kayla kept subtly teasing him about the fawning teenagers by batting her eyelashes when no one was looking. he kicked her on the shin from under the table. landon and mr. alworth enjoyed reminiscing about high school hockey where both edina and elk river almost always saw each other in the state tournaments. “landon, do you have any brothers or sisters?” asked cody’s mother. “ah, nope. i’m afraid i’m an only child fallen victim to the ‘edina syndrome.’” “what’s that?” asked mrs. alworth noticing the smirk on kayla’s face. “every day i need attention,” he responded. as they chuckled in response, landon was able to conceal the flash of hurt in his eyes at the mention of his family, but kayla caught it. it was the same pained look that always came to his eyes whenever the subject of his past was brought up. it always made her want to wrap her arms around him like a little boy and sing ‘you are my sunshine’ like her own mother used to do when she was upset. when dinner was finished, kayla helped mrs. alworth clean up while cody, mr. alworth, landon, and cody’s little brother played around in the family room. one would’ve thought he had grown up with siblings. kayla enjoyed watching him interact with the boys. he was a natural at teasing cody and bouncing his little brother around up to the point where kayla wondered if the little boy was going to toss his cookies all over landon. she’d pay good money to see that happen. cody looked out of the back window at the pond behind their house. “too bad it’s not frozen yet, we could go skating!” “well, where’s the indoor rink? we can’t wait till the pond freezes in december!” exclaimed landon.

cody looked pleadingly at his parents. “can he take me? puh-lease! he’s been promising me!” mr. and mrs. alworth silently communicated with their eyes and cody’s mom finally said, “fine, but only for a half hour. you need to get to bed then!” mr. alworth said he’d stay behind and tuck their youngest into bed and mrs. alworth shooed the three of them out the door. cody grabbed his skates and bounded out to the car. the boy's father stopped kayla and landon at the door. “i know he seems fine, but he forgets that he’s sick. which is a good thing most of the time, but sometimes he doesn’t know any better,” he smiled sadly. they promised to be back in forty-five minutes. cody directed them to the indoor rink at the recreation center and kayla rented some skates while landon dug some sticks, puck and an old pair of blades out of the back of his range rover. he played instructor to cody and kayla, which always ended up in a game of two on one in keep away. “hey, no checking! this is a family friendly sport!” yelled landon as kayla tried bullying him for the puck so cody could steal it away. he pretended to give up as she passed to disc to cody and he skated down the ice to “score.” she held up her hands in mock cheering. it was the perfect opportunity for landon to pick up her up, flip her upside down and land her back on the ice. kayla laughed in hysterics as her skates slid up under her and she landed on her bottom. “cody, help!” she giggled. cody skated over intending to playfully punch landon, but landon palmed the top of cody’s head and kept him at arms length as cody took swings at the air. he then promptly flipped cody with ease in the same manner as he’d just done to kayla, but lost his balanced and ended up with the kid landing on top of him. landon looked over at kayla’s brilliant smile and flushed cheeks and suddenly had a glimpse of what it would be like to have a family. the thought of having one someday had never crossed his mind, but to anyone who didn’t know them, it looked like a mom and dad playing with their son. it was a desire he’d never felt before and for a split second he pretended that kayla was his wife and cody was their son and everything was right in the world. he blinked back into reality as he noticed that cody seemed a little winded. “all right, i think we’d better get you home on time or your mom won’t let me take you out again!” cody protested, but kayla insisted as well. after they had cody tucked into bed with landon’s promise that he’d visit again, they thanked his parents and headed back towards the cities. once they were on the road, kayla turned to landon. “thanks for inviting me. i really had a

good time.” he returned her gaze. “me too,” he replied softly. “you know, for being an only child you sure get along great with kids.” landon scrunched his nose and joked. “that’s because i have the intellect of a five year old.” “hmm,” noted kayla and then smirked, “i can’t disagree with you on that.” landon took his right hand off the wheel and tickled her in the side. “hey!” she gasped laughing. “keep your hands on the wheel. ten and two, ten and two!” after a few moments of silence kayla breeched the topic of family, particularly his father. he didn’t seem to tense up as much this time and she hoped it was because her trust had been earned. “the funeral was the same day as my car accident.” landon replied when she questioned him. kayla gazed down into her lap and fidgeted with her hands. “i’m so sorry, i didn’t know it was that recent.” landon tried to shrug it off. “doesn’t matter, i hadn’t spoken to him five years.” “what happened between you two?” “just because the guy took part in my conception doesn’t mean he took part in his role as a father. he was even worse at being a husband.” he snorted angrily. “he may not have killed my mother outright, but he was responsible for her death.” he paused, his lips pressed tightly. “i couldn’t even save her.” kayla didn’t say anything. she tried her best to examine his expression in the darkness and then asked softly, “did you ever forgive him?” he whipped his head to look at her. “forgive him!? there’s no way i’d ever forgive that son of a bitch!” kayla was visibly taken aback by his harsh words and landon realized how vehement he sounded. in a quieter and more dejected tone, he added, “besides, he’s dead anyway, what difference does it make?” “it makes a lot of difference. you think holding on to your anger for your father and guilt over your mother’s death somehow makes you strong, but all you’ve succeeded in is making yourself miserable,” her voice took on an almost angry and scolding tone. her truthfulness immediately put landon on the defense. “what do you know?” he snapped wishing his temper would simmer down.

she turned and looked out the window as she sighed deeply. “only that when we don’t forgive others, no matter how unforgivable they are, it only ends up slowly eating us away.” she closed her eyes and breathed mournfully, “especially when we don’t forgive ourselves.” landon concentrated on the road, letting her words sink in. when he’d found out about his father’s death, he didn’t know how to deal with his emotions. more over, he didn’t want to admit that he wished he had spoken to him just one last time before he died; maybe somehow afforded himself some closure. instead, after the funeral, he turned to something that would bring him comfort a bit more swiftly and nearly ended up in the grave next to his old man. “landon, as much as you want to believe it, it’s not your father’s fault your mom took her own life.” she paused and then added, “and more importantly, it’s not your fault either. there was nothing you could have done to change her actions.” dang. that woman can see right through me. he shook his head and the corners of his mouth turned up a bit. “what?” asked kayla noticing they way his lips began to twitch into a smile. “you just ah…” he let out a small laugh trying hard not to admit that she was right and then gave up. “where’d you get the ability to read people’s minds?” she pretended to concentrate deeply. “well, my mother was gypsy and clairvoyance just happens to be one of my many hidden talents that were passed down to me.” he rolled his eyes and kayla was pleased to see her lame attempt at easing the tension had worked. landon raised his eyebrows. “and what about these other talents?” he asked playfully. “oh, i’ve got moves that would make your head spin!” she pounced back. his face washed into full-fledged beam. her flirtatious comebacks never ceased to make her more desirable. “care to embellish?” “well, i could. but then of course i’d have to kill you.” “i hate that line.” “no you don’t. you’re just pouting so you can get what you want.” “are you asking for trouble?” he winked at her. “who me? with this innocent face?” landon bit his lip and grinned to himself wondering just how innocent she was. he pulled up to her house a few minutes later and walked her to the door. “hey, next weekend on saturday i have to go to this get-together for the opening season and um…i

sort of really hate going to these because i have to pretend that i’m enjoying myself. i usually end up getting tanked ‘cause i hide out at the bar.” she coyly inquired, “are you asking me to be your babysitter or your date?” he narrowed his eyes. was this a trick question? the babysitter idea brought a few sexual scenarios to his mind followed promptly by self admonishments. he shook his head and replied meekly, “a little of both?” she smirked and infused a bogus air of haughtiness into her voice. “well, if i’m going to keep you occupied, than i expect some sort of monetary reward because i’ve seen how awful your behavior is.” landon cocked his eyebrows in hope. “so is that a yes? you’re not on call or anything?” she continued to act like it was some sort of obligation, “but what am i going to wear?” landon suddenly reverted back to the mental age of a horny junior high boy at the thought of her in something seductive. he shifted uncomfortably and flushed, thankful she couldn’t read his mind…but then again… “um, semi-formal. i have to wear a suit and tie.” she bit her bottom lip; catching the way his eyes subtly roamed up and down her body. “all right, but only ‘cause you’re payin’ me to!” she joked and started to unlock the door, but then added in a more genuine tone, “just let me know when to be ready.” she opened it up and he caught her fingers in his as she turned. kayla hoped he didn’t notice the goose bumps that traveled through her body in response to his touch. “thanks,” he whispered. she nodded, understanding from the intent look in his eyes what he referring to. “you’re welcome. goodnight landon,” and she closed the door behind her hoping he hadn’t noticed how her heart had nearly leaped out of her chest and right into his hands.

“he must be handsome,” stated kayla’s mother, dana moore. kayla set down her dinner fork before she took another bite of spaghetti. “and what makes you say that, mother?” “i can tell from the way you talk about him,” she smiled slyly at her only daughter who looked like a younger blonde haired, blue eyed version of herself. “that’s ridiculous, besides it doesn’t matter what he looks like because i’m not interested in him other than a friend.” “why’s that?” asked dana.

“we’re just not right for each other. he doesn’t understand my faith and convictions.” her mother probed further, “i thought you said that landon was searching…that his accident had shaken him up pretty bad.” “i know and i hope i can be a like a sister to him, but there’s a difference between searching for the truth and believing in it.” dana continued to stare at kayla waiting for her to break down. three, two, one… “okay, so maybe i like him…a little, but he’s just so cute, mom!” she gushed like a smitten fifteen year old and giggled mercilessly. dana laughed, “ha! i told you so!” she decided to let the subject drop, but could read kayla like a book. she trusted her daughter’s judgment when it came to matters of the heart, but felt at times that kayla insisted on holding on to past grievances as some form of never-ending self punishment; as if she didn’t deserve the affections of a man. “have you heard from matt or bryan lately?” kayla asked about her brothers. matt was a couple years younger and bryan was five years older than kayla. “no, not lately. matt called the other day and mentioned he was going in on buying a house with some friends, but that’s about it and bryan was over here last week to check up on me. they’re doing fine.” she rolled her eyes at her mom. “last time i spoke to mattie, he said he had a job offer as a drafter and was going to move out of boulder to las vegas.” dana chuckled. “i think bryan convinced him to stay away from the clutches of sin city.” kayla raised her eyebrows in surprise. “bryan? i would think he’d encourage him!” “kay…be nice,” dana admonished. “i know….sorry. bry mentioned he sold a house to one of the players for the vikings when i talked to him last.” her mom’s face brightened. “i know…in celebration he’s taking me out next week.” “how come i wasn’t invited!?” kayla pouted. dana shrugged. “i think he wants to introduce me to his new girlfriend.” “oh no…” “kayla…” “sorry. but you know his track record!” bryan had been engaged twice and married once which had only lasted two years. impulsivity was not one of his stellar qualities.

“are you taking care of yourself?” dana tried asking nonchalantly still wary of her daughter’s bitter “all or nothing” perfectionism. kayla rolled her eyes in exasperation. “yes.” dana searched kayla’s expression for a moment to make sure she was telling the truth. kayla’s father could be blamed for their daughter’s woes after abandoning them, but dana had long ago forgiven richard for walking out on them. he didn’t want to have much to do with his children’s lives, but at least was faithful in his support payments. it freed her from having to work two jobs just to make ends meet, but kayla probably felt his loss the most; especially after michael died; as if she believed men who claimed to love her would always leave her. ---------saturday night and landon seemed to loom in kayla’s mind like “the big pink elephant;” the more she tried not to think about the two, the more it consumed her. when she pictured his irresistible grin in her mind, her stomach did flip-flops. she felt like a stupid high school girl infatuated with the school’s star hockey player; nothing but your average puck futt. “c’mon, kay,” she scolded herself aloud feeling guilty for her eagerness. “even if he does like you, which he doesn’t because he could have any woman he wants, you’ll never be more than friends. you can’t be…” and then she moaned. “why does he have to be so cute!?” a leash needed to be put on her emotions. when the evening came, she chose to don an elegant off -the-shoulder black dress that flowed to just below her knees; then opted for clear panty hose and dainty black maryjanes with four inch heels. the only luxury of her petite stature meant she could always make herself taller. she would give anything though for long gorgeous legs instead of her short muscular ones, but she had long ago stopped caring what her body looked like. it seemed as if genetics was determined to have its way. kayla curled her long wavy hair and secured half of it up with a rhinestone barrette. she tried not to fuss too much more with physical details not wanting to look too attractive. i don’t want him to like me, she tried reassuring herself knowing full well that she did want him to like her. he’d take her into his arms, confess that he was madly in love with her and kiss her passionately while ripping off her bodice. the moment would be captured perfectly on the front cover of a smutty romance novel. except…she wasn’t wearing a bodice and she’d kill him if he as so much snagged her one hundred and fifty dollar dress. she cursed herself and felt like bashing her head against the wall to eliminate the images from her over-active imagination. clive started to bark just then and that was her cue to slip her shoes on. grabbing her purse she started toward the front door but tripped over the dog and face planted. ---------landon turned his ignition off and took a deep breath; nervous like crazy for some reason.

he tried to figure out what made his attraction towards her so different than other women. it had to be more than just physical. she wasn’t the finest-looking or most exotic woman he had been with by far. he’d had known her for a couple of months now and hadn’t dared any attempt to get her into bed. well… that would be a lie. kayla was doing a fabulous job at making his efforts pretty futile, but he knew he didn’t want to spend so much time with her just so he could get her into the sack. ironically, though every time he imagined being with her intimately, it made him feel surprisingly shameful; like he’d be defiling something beautiful and almost sacred if he tried to do so. she was too damn adorable to fall for a jackass like himself. landon looked over at the flowers sitting in the passenger seat. he considered chucking them in the back; it would make her too suspicious of his feelings. eh, might as well. he exited the car, shuffled his feet to her door concealing the flowers behind his back, and rang the bell. he heard the dog bark and the clicking of high heels rush to the door. when she opened it, he nearly stumbled back. landon drank in the sight of her; then realized he was probably salivating in a rather unattractive manner and closed his mouth. he had only ever seen her in scrubs, running clothes or jeans and assumed she didn’t even own a tube of lipstick. kayla was, in a word: stunning. he’d have to rescind his earlier notion about her not being the finest looking woman he’d ever laid eyes on. kayla was equally taken aback by landon’s handsome appearance in his black suit with a marooned patterned tie and suspenders. his dark locks had been smoothed away from his freshly shaven face except for one stubborn stray piece that curled across his forehead. she was the first to speak, “i hope this dress is okay, i can—” “you’re beautiful,” he breathed. that was about the extent of his vocabulary at the present moment. he thought of several other romantically crude quips, but figured they were rather inappropriate. you’re the most gorgeous creature i’ve ever seen; i’d like to run my fingers through your hair; let’s blow this party and go make-out instead. it wasn’t the two words that sent chills rushing through kayla, but the way he said them; as if he were gasping for air. he pulled the flowers from behind his back. “i…ah, brought these for clive; i didn’t want him to be jealous.” as if on cue, her pet stubbornly nosed his way between kayla’s legs to greet landon making her lose her balance and curse at what a “dumb dog” he was. except when kayla cursed, the word lost its effect and instead made landon want to kiss her sweet mouth. they chuckled; all the sexual tension easing out of their bodies as kayla accepted the flowers. “i’ll go put them in a vase.” as she disappeared into the kitchen, the aroma of her perfume wafted behind her. her scent was beginning to grow on him. it had been the same one he smelled the night of the accident; probably from her jacket she used to cover him

up and he entertained the thought of stealing it. perhaps it’d be the next best thing to actually having the real thing lay in his arms. clive ignored kayla at the prospect of having someone new pay attention to him. “i’m afraid he’s not much of a watch dog. he considers any person that gives him the time of day his best friend,” she yelled from the kitchen. landon smiled as he scratched clive behind the ears. “lucky little bastard,” he whispered to the dog. kayla emerged from the kitchen. “he’s a people pleaser, just like me.” “honey, i can’t imagine anyone ever being displeased with you.” landon winked with his cheeky smile, “or clive for that matter.” he offered her his arm. “shall we get this party started?” kayla playfully pretended to take it reluctantly as he led her out to the car and opened the door for her. “whoa!” she exclaimed eyeing the v12 vanquish s model. “aston martin! you think you’re james bond or something!?” landon laughed heartily. “nah…not as successful with the ladies as he is.” she rolled her eyes to herself, highly doubting that comment. he climbed in the driver’s seat and winked at her. “you promise you won’t leave me stranded among all those strangers tonight?” she asked en route to the hotel. “hell no. that’s why i’m paying you to entertain me!” he blushed reflexively at the way his words had tumbled out. “well…you know…” kayla giggled; amused and surprised at the hint of sheepishness that flashed across his features. batting her eyelashes sarcastically, she replied. “i told you i had a few secret moves.” a vision of her giving him a lap dance crudely entered into his imagination. bad landon, bad landon… “i usually proceed to go make out with captain morgan anyway at these soirees.” “i really don’t see him as your type.” he smiled and glanced over at her. “by the way, little one, how much do you charge?” he asked continuing their game. kayla looked up and twisted her mouth as if thinking hard. “hmm, i suppose it depends on how naughty you are.” it was impossible not to flirt with him. naughty. so much for not being obvious with suggestive words.

this was going to be a rather interesting evening, indeed. ---------when they arrived at the ballroom where the event was taking place, kayla took a moment to relish in the entire splendor. she had never been to an event that was packed with media and jumped when the flash from a photographer went off. landon tightened his grip on her and led her through the crowd. there was a live band playing light music with a full extravagant bar lined against the wall accompanied by tables filled with all sorts of delicacies on the opposite side of the room. “so you’re the mystery woman landon’s been sneaking around with,” exclaimed james taggert as he sauntered up to her and landon. his agent made it sound like they were having some clandestine affair. hmm…kayla beat the fantasy out of her mind and shook the man’s hand as she cocked her head to the side. “i hope i’m not a disappointment.” “far from it,” landon leaned down to whisper in her ear making it tickle and then turned his attention to taggert. “kayla, this is my agent, james taggert. james, this is doctor kayla moore.” “it’s nice to meet you,” kayla said graciously. they small-talked for a few moments until another broad shouldered, handsome man walked up to landon and patted him on the back. landon enthusiastically greeted him gestured towards kayla. “this is my teammate and friend todd pierson.” kayla greeted him. landon continued, “we competed against each other in high school and college.” her eyes perked up at todd. “really? where did you graduate high school from?” “bloomington jefferson,” replied todd smugly. kayla grinned and nodded. “a jaguar i see, you must have played for them back in their glory days.” todd nodded; seemingly undressing kayla with his eyes which made her squirm uncomfortably. he took his gaze off her for a second and turned to landon. “where have you been hiding her?” landon chuckled and rubbed his fingers up and down her spine making kayla shiver delightfully. “i was just keeping her away from you!” todd winked at kayla. “ah-uh, i believe it’s the other way around, land-o. we should be keeping heraway from you!”

kayla narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips, “ah, yes, he’s quite the ladies man, from what i hear.” landon slid his arm around her waist and playfully pulled her close. “who the heck told you that, little one!” he hissed into her ear. she laughed and winked at him. “i have my sources!” she decided to continue her flirtatious assault on him and feigned a curious look. “i wasn’t aware you had any friends, let alone any that would sell you out so easily!” he turned to her without loosening his grip around her petite figure and displayed a mischievous grin. she caught something in his eyes; the way he looked at her was not just playful, but intense. kayla cleared her throat and quickly averted his gaze trying to subtly worm her way out of the hold he had on her. “c’mon,” said todd motioning with his head in another direction. “i’ll introduce you to some other guys on the team who would more than love to do the same!” with his arm still firmly around her waist they followed todd through crowds of people. as todd introduced her to other team members and their families, landon studied kayla’s demeanor in fascination. she seemed to make anyone she talked to feel as if they were the most important person in the room. not only could she carry on any kind of conversation, ranging from various topics, but her wittiness and toying sarcasm often brought laughter from the circle of people that were gathered. watching her was like watching his favorite movie, except he couldn’t hit rewind on all the good parts. and he felt this incessant need to constantly touch her; as if her feel of her body was nourishment to his fingertips. turning to look at landon, kayla wondered what was running through his mind. it was impossible to deny that she loved the way he touched her; the way he seemed to take ownership of her; always having a hand or arm on her whether it was resting on the small of her back, around her waist or draped across her shoulder making her feel secure and safe. it was like she belonged to him. and she was frightened at how much she liked the thought of belonging to him. so what if she was just another one of his “girls?” kayla was determined to enjoy the moment and relaxed into his hands. it made the meaningless chit chat she endured with landon’s acquaintances easier to bear. it wasn’t the fault of her company, though. she just preferred having deep intimate conversations with a few others, but surrendered to the fact that small talk was where you often had to start. “so doctor moore—” “oh please, call me kayla,” she blushed at the newspaper reporter. it made her fidget when people addressed her as “doctor;” admonishing herself that though technically the title was hers, she hadn’t really earned it yet since it was only her first year in residency. “you must have graduated from college when you were sixteen!” the short pudgy reporter

snorted at his own joke. kayla forced a feeble “a-ha, a-ha” from her throat. people loved to comment on her youthful features. instead of viewing it as a compliment, it only annoyed her. patients and colleagues never seemed to take her seriously until she flashed her credentials or dropped hints about her age especially her patients; they looked at her bewildered when she tried to comfort them; as if she’d never felt any pain in her life, but that’s what drove her everyday. the field of medicine allowed her to come in contact with people who often had their world shaken to the point where they truly considered what was really important. not only that, but they had to consider if there was more in this life besides heartache and suffering; if there was any hope. “what’s your take on landon’s recovery status?” the journalist inquired in a more serious tone. kayla raised her brow in confusion. “ah…i think he’s…been working….diligently?” why was the reporter asking her questions about landon’s rehabilitation? “but you’ve been helping him with his recovery, haven’t you?” the light bulb flashed in kayla’s mind. “oh…no…you have me mixed up with the other ‘moore,’ who’s a team physical therapist. i just helped him when…well…i was the first on the scene to help revive him after the accident.” “oh!?” the reporter’s eyes perked up and the reels of questions began rolling through his brain. landon scowled at the man. “hey, bro. can you hold that thought?” he tugged kayla’s hand and led her over to the bar. “i thought we weren’t drinking.” she remarked coyly. “i figured you might need a drink. you’re doing a good job at conversing with the hoity toitys enough for the both of us.” “the ‘hoity’ what?” she snickered resting her elbows on the bar. he grinned slyly. “you know…can’t you just smell all the bullshit around you?” “oh…is that what that smell was?” kayla scrunched her nose and giggled. “i just thought it was your cheap aftershave.” in retaliation, landon forcibly rubbed his cheeks and neck with his hands and shoved them in her nose. kayla burst out laughing and did her best to fight him off. he gave up when the bartender appeared and ordered an apple martini for her. then, leaning over the bar, he snatched a pen and a drink napkin. after making a drawing on it, he slid the napkin over to kayla.

she glanced down at the game of ‘hangman’ he started and guessed a letter. “a.” “nope, you have to buy vowels.” kayla shook her head and rolled her eyes at his random playfulness. “this isn’t ‘wheel of fortune,’ landon, and i don’t have any cash on me.” “that’s okay,” he winked devilishly at her. “i take iou’s.” “oh brother.” she buried her face in her hands only imagining what he meant by that comment if his mind was as dirty as hers. kayla was about to guess again when a white-bearded man who appeared to be in his sixties snuck around behind landon and sat down next to him. landon turned hesitantly, but when he saw who it was, kayla watched his dimples melt into relief. “hey, gary!” he shook the man’s hand and turned to kayla. “this is gary fisher from fox sports.” kayla furrowed her brow in confusion after she shook his hand and gave him her name. “you’re a reporter?” landon hated reporters. that was evident in the first five minutes they had arrived. gary’s rosy cheeks jiggled in laughter. “look’s like she’s already got you figured out!” landon stole a peek at her, hoping the red hue that crept up his cheeks went unnoticed. “um…gary. can you keep my lovely guest entertained for a few minutes while i run to the restroom?” mr. fisher smiled and moved into landon’s stool after he’d walked away. “you keep up with the nhl?” asked gary. kayla shrugged. “not really. i like watching minnesota play though.” she leaned in. “you know mr. fisher, you’re the first reporter i haven’t seen landon kill with the look in his eyes.” gary chuckled once more. “how well do you know landon?” “um…i dunno. he sent me flowers for helping him after his accident and we’ve been hanging out occasionally since then.” gary nodded pensively. “landon doesn’t trust anyone,” he blurted out of the blue as casually as making a comment about the weather. “oh. well, that’s obvious,” she replied dryly taking a sip of her martini; wondering why this particular reporter was being so candid with her. “so how come he likes you?” “because i’ve earned it over the years. i’m the only one who hasn’t categorized him yet. the press writes him off; annoyed at his apparent lack of willingness to answer their questions, but landon’s not unwilling, he just doesn’t know how to respond.”

“what do you mean?” kayla asked enjoying where the conversation was heading. “well, its like if someone asked you to explain how you walk or what happens when you catch a ball. landon’s rare. one of those backyard hockey kids that spent hours of making himself to something unique without evening knowing it. did you know his mom never even put him in organized hockey till he was twelve?” “really? how do you know this?” gary winked. “i told ya, i’ve earned his trust. unfortunately, because he didn’t grow up playing with an organized team, he earned the reputation of being a rather cocky and selfish player. he just didn’t know any better. didn’t know how to play on a team.” “but you think otherwise?” “yeah. in fact, he’s not cocky enough. watch him. he plays as if he’s on puppet strings. too scared of not being liked, not doing the right thing on the ice. have you ever watched a suspenseful movie and your heart beats in anticipation because the music is cuing you to brace yourself for a shock?” “sure.” kayla narrowed her eyes in confusion. “that’s how it’s been with landon for the past seven years he’s been pro. the most he’ll ever achieve is a superior mediocrity.” “isn’t that a bit harsh?” “no. the boy is one of a kind. he has the skills…but not the heart. like i said, he’s too worried what others think about him.” kayla snorted. “he does a good job pretending he doesn’t care if what you say is true.” “you know…i wish he was cocky.” she nearly choked on her next sip. “what?!” “it’s the difference between a good athlete and great athlete. a good athlete hopes he’s great. a great athlete knows he’s great and isn’t ashamed of it. in his heart,” he beat a confident fist over his chest, “he really knows it and that’s what drives him.” kayla snickered. “do you analyze all the nhl players this deeply?” “hmm, i pick and choose. there’s really only two places to watch for kids grooming to be in the nhl. canada and minnesota. otherwise, i don’t waste my time. but landon was one to watch. especially when he played for the university. we knew he was destined to be a star…the only problem is, landon’s oblivious to the fact.” “so landon will never be one of the greats? is that what you’re saying?” gary smiled ambiguously. “i’ve been in this business well over forty years. i can size people up on a dime pretty well.”

“and?” he leaned in. “and…that means i know it when i come across another person with the same skill.” kayla cocked her head to the side. “ah…so you’re telling me i already know the answer?” he slapped the counter top enthusiastically. “see, i’m good, huh?” “have you ever told him what you think?” he shook his head. “not my place.” “what’s your prediction? will he ever be a…cocky player?” “maybe. i don’t know. i think hockey is too important to him. it’s all he’s ever had since his mom died.” “hmm....” kayla nodded her head somberly. “tell me, what happens when someone makes it to the top?” she flashed a melancholic smile. “the only place to go is down.” “exactly. once he makes it to the top, the only place he has to look forward to is down. and then it’s only so much longer before he has to say good-bye to the game.” kayla glanced over his shoulder to see landon making his way back towards them. gary turned to follow her gaze and stood up. “it was a pleasure meeting you, doctor moore.” “please, call me kayla,” she shook his hand disappointed their conversation was ending so soon. the reporter smiled and turned to meet landon halfway. kayla eyed them curiously as gary pat landon on the shoulder in much the same fashion a proud father or grandfather would do and leaned in close to landon's ear to say something. landon’s eyes locked onto kayla’s for a moment and he grinned and nodded before turning to say good-bye to mr. fisher. when he was seated back next to her, she suspiciously asked him what gary said to him. landon grabbed her martini and gulped the rest down. “nothing,” he winked at her. “only that maybe i should ask if you’d like to dance with me.” he led her over to the dance floor where couples were beginning to gather in response to a slower paced song. kayla was certain he could hear the pounding of her heart; like an incessant and annoying beat of a loud drum. turning her head, she rested her chin on her shoulder and squeezed her arms close to her side. out of nervousness she would sweat horrendously, an abhorrent characteristic. at prom her junior year, she left deodorant stains on her date’s jacket. god, that was mortifying.

landon took her hand in his and held it at the center of his chest. normally, she stood just beneath his chin, but with her heels on he could lean his head into her and brush it against her cheek. he lowered his face enough to breath in her familiar perfume. kayla slipped her hand around the nape of his neck and he drew her in close with his free arm tightly wrapped around her tiny waist. she was intoxicating and he found his whole being aroused at having her this close to him. kayla took in shallow breaths. the scent of his cologne only made her weaker in the knees and she hoped he couldn’t sense that they were shaking while swaying back and forth. the band played eric clapton’s ‘wonderful tonight;’ a fitting song for how she felt, except it was mixed with slight trepidation as she was unable to control the physical reaction her body was having with his presence so near. landon found it just as difficult to breathe. he pulled his face away so he could look into her eyes; blue just like the sky. his eyes fell on her lips. making out on the dance floor was something you did at senior prom. eh, so what? it’d just make it that much more titillating. kayla sensed him pull away and automatically tilted her eyes to meet his. he glanced down at her mouth and she saw in his eyes what he intended to do. oh god, please don’t kiss me, she begged silently as she felt his warm breath on her lips. he seemed to have her locked in his eyes; paralyzed and unable to look away. she couldn’t hear the music anymore. time had apparently stopped. landon squeezed her tiny hand in his. “kayla,” he whispered tenderly with his lips probably less than a millimeter apart from hers. her wish was granted as a snippety voice suddenly came from nowhere intruding in on their private world. they jerked their faces apart to see where it came from. “landon, aren’t you going to introduce me to your little flavor of the month?” he tensed up. oh…how he hated that voice and took no effort to hide his displeasure. landon pursed his lips together and turned towards the unwelcome intruder. “veronica, this is my guest and good friend, doctor moore.” kayla clasped her arms around her shoulders unnerved at the way veronica looked her up and down. “cute. does she have first name? i hear she’s quite skilled at rescuing inebriated hockey players!” veronica’s voiced oozed like overly sweetened syrup. kayla took her turn to size up veronica. she was strikingly beautiful; tall with jet-black hair and exotic eyes framed by long dark lashes. an unending pair of attractively tanned legs emerged from a dark blue cocktail dress that was a tad bit too short for kayla’s personal taste. she couldn’t help but wonder if it was god’s talent or that of a skilled surgeon that resulted in veronica eye popping cleavage and felt like a silly teenager in

front of her womanly stature. forcing her lips into a smile, kayla held out her hand. “she does, and it’s kayla.” veronica shook it haughtily. “well, kayla…” she looked up at landon with a dangerously playful look in her eyes. “he may have some skill on the ice, but let’s just say he’s lacking in other areas,” she not-so-subtlety hinted at while licking her lips. the heat rose up in kayla’s temples with veronica’s cruel words. she had never met anyone so openly vindictive. the nerve…kayla contemplated retorting, but then calmed down as she felt a lump from the bitter memory rise up in her throat. she cocked a cool, collected smile at the woman. “well, i wouldn’t know who to compare him to,” she started, “because i’m still a virgin.” with that said, kayla brushed by and her quick strides turned into a trot when she neared the exit of the ballroom. she had to get out of there; fast. the tears that burned in her eyes were threatening to devour her.

landon stood there dumbstruck for a split second. veronica clearly defined the meaning of bitch, but even he hadn’t thought she’d stoop so low and apparently was threatened by kayla, or jealous. he assumed if the vicious woman was still hunting him down like a rabid dog, then she damn well should be jealous of kayla. veronica dalen made jersey chasing and marrying rich men a profession. landon took a deep breath and clenched his teeth. it took all his strength not to strangle the bitter wench. veronica never missed an opportunity to strike at him ever since that fateful night nearly two years ago after too many drinks on his part. not one of his finer moments…like he even had an extensive list of finer moments anyway. despite veronica’s obvious good looks, her personality more than demolished a reasonable hope of maintaining any semblance of a relationship. she tried for months to get her perfectly manicured claws into landon; assuming victory when she woke up next to him. landon hadn’t been able to find his clothes fast enough that morning in her bedroom. he stabbed her with an infuriating glare and shook his head menacingly as if warning her to back away slowly. his eyes snapped up just in time to see kayla disappear out of the ballroom doors and immediately all traces of veronica left his consciousness. --------once she was out of the room, kayla released her tears and dashed down the staircase. she heard landon desperately call her name, but was ashamed. aw, damnit, i just have to find a bathroom or something! she rationalized, but failed to get far once her balance gave way to his strong arms that nearly tackled her from behind. he probably scared the daylights out of her from his forceful bear hug on the landing before another flight of stairs, but he wasn’t about to let her get away so easily. they nearly tumbled down the flight together, but he pulled her into him tightly and they sunk down to the top of the stair landing.

she yelped in frightful surprise, but upon realizing it was landon, kayla twisted herself around in his arms and buried her face into his chest sobbing. landon stroked her hair and whispered, “shh…baby… it’s all right.” the intimate word slipped from his mouth. never had he even come close to uttering such an endearing term before, but those tears were his fault. he should’ve known better than to bring her into the lion’s den. “oh, landon…i’m so sorry, i don’t even know why i’m crying,” sniffled kayla not daring to lift her head. “i curse the day i ever met that woman,” he growled. she let out a soft laugh. “no…it’s not her, landon. i promise.” she nuzzled his chest and let his scent momentarily bring her comfort. landon lifted his cheek from the top of her head to look down at her, but she still refused to meet his gaze. he took his index finger to tilt her chin up and forced her to look into his eyes. when they finally met his, he knew she was telling the truth. they told the story of something more sorrowful than just a reaction from a nasty comment. his face softened as he drowned in the stormy sea of her blue depths; the tears made them glisten and they stood out in stark contrast even more so than usual. “what is it?” kayla lowered her eyes and shook her head. a deep embarrassed sigh emerged from her as people walked past them on the landing with curious stares. landon this time cupped her chin in his hands and used his thumbs to wipe her tears. “it’s nothing…she just reminded me of something that’s all,” she whispered nearly melting from his intimate gesture. what would she even say? kayla hadn’t spoken of michael’s name to anyone in six years. how could she explain the pain she still felt from his loss and worse…the guilt she felt because she was falling for landon? “you won’t tell me?” he pleaded dying to know what in the world could have reduced this normally calm and collected woman to tears. kayla shook her head in determination. he decided not to push the issue. instead, gathered her in his arms and helped her to her feet. “c’mon, little one, i’ll take you home.” “thanks,” mumbled kayla still feeling foolish. landon had the valet get his car and draped his jacket around her shoulders while smothering her petite figure in his embrace. he didn’t want any photographers snapping her tear-stained face, but mostly he felt an overwhelming and novel desire; the desire to protect her. once they were in the car and on the freeway he glanced over at her noticing she had lifted up the collar of his jacket around her nose. “what are ya doin’?” he asked softly. landon breathed a sigh of relief when he saw her smile.

“mmm, it smells like you,” she replied blissfully. “ugh, it probably smells like b.o.” he stated nervously. kayla shook her head and closed her eyes as she inhaled the scent again. “no…i like it,” she whispered almost erotically. they didn’t say much the rest of the drive back to kayla’s house. it was a small twobedroom home near lake nokomis. he heard clive barking from behind the door and the dog greeted them when they entered; sensing immediately that kayla was upset when she leaned down to pet him. he licked her face and she giggled. landon wondered if he’d get the same magnificent reaction if she let him lick her face. kayla felt torn. she wanted landon to stay, but was scared he’d try to kiss her again. she almost could taste his lips; they had been so near to hers. if he had actually seared his mouth onto hers….well, in the end, she decided to just remain silent for the time being except to state that she was going to go change out of her clothes. “um, can i get you anything? i hear ice cream works wonders at curing a lousy date,” landon offered. she smiled and winked at him as she kicked off her shoes and laid her keys down on the end table. “now i’m beginning to think you’re the mind reader, mr. stern.” kayla sauntered into her bedroom. landon went into the kitchen to start searching for some bowls. he knew she liked ice cream, but dang, there were at least six different cartons of ben and jerry’s in the freezer. he opted for the chocolate chip cookie dough. once settled on the couch, he took off his tie and shoes and undid the first few buttons of his shirt. clive hopped up next to him staring longingly at the ice cream that was set on the coffee table. the dog then rolled his eyes up to glance forlornly at landon to beg, but landon paid no attention as he gazed at the surroundings. books, books,… more books, he laughed to himself. kayla was right. she certainly did love c.s. lewis and he counted about fifteen titles she had lined up on one of her bookshelves. he squinted his eyes and looked closely at a quote she had framed on one of the ledges: i believe in christianity as i believe that the sun has risen: not only because i see it, but because by it i see everything else. –c.s. lewis. he leaned back thinking about what he read when kayla padded into the room and plopped down on the other side of clive. “good choice,” she commented reaching for the ice cream. “are you working on your saddle-bags with all that ice cream in there?” he teased. “cause i hate to break it to you, but it’s not really working.” kayla smirked at his lame excuse for a compliment

landon’s eyes roamed over her body clad in sweat pants that were too long for her and an oversized college sweatshirt that teetered precariously on the edge of her shoulder. she had her curls swept up off of her neck into a big pile on top of her head held in place by a clip. just when i didn’t think she could look any sexier. what turned him on the most was that fact that she had taken out her contact lenses and put on her glasses. she looked like a seductive schoolteacher. he wanted her to punish him. landon pounded his forehead with the palm of his hand in response to his adolescent imagination. looking down at clive, he narrowed his eyes. hey, pst…clive, switch spots with me, will ya, you little putz? kayla narrowed her eyes in confusion when she watched him pound his head, but then grinned as well; reading landon’s expression towards the dog. “c’mon, boy, get down.” she shooed clive off of the couch and scooted a little closer to landon. landon batted his eyes and gasped in a high pitched, sarcastic tone, “why kayla, we were just getting to know each other.” it was good to hear that contagious giggle again. “well if you’d prefer his company over mine—” she started, but landon cut off her response by reaching over to wrap his arm around her waist and pull her into him. his gesture jump started her heart again as she nestled up to him while resting her head on his chest. he reached over a grabbed his ice cream and they remained silent for a few moments. “have you ever thought about sucking all the ice cream off and saving the chunks to bake a big cookie?” kayla snorted. “ugh, no…would you like to try sometime?” he didn’t reply, but instead whispered, “hey, are you sure everything’s okay…from tonight. i don’t know if i can ever apologize enough.” “apologize!? landon, you were the one stuck with a basket case for date!” “still…when attila the hun attacks….” he started again. she stifled another giggle, “landon, i promise, i’m fine. i don’t know what came over me. it was just… silly.” he resolved to drop the subject and glanced once more at her miniature library. landon furrowed his brow in mock confusion. “i knew that you were… ah, kind of a nerd and all…but honestly, you’re not helping out the illiteracy problem of the world by hording all the books.” she pinched him on the side. “hey, you be nice! maybe if you’re lucky, i could read you a story.” “hmm,” mused landon, “better yet, why don’t i pick out a book and read it to you.”

“but i don’t have any dr. seuss books,” she toyed with him and ducked as if shielding herself from the inevitable blows of retaliation. he pretended to slap her around while making kung fu sound effects and hopped off the couch. landon scanned over the plethora of books. it varied in genre, but he noticed that most of them dealt with faith and religion. her interest in c.s. lewis got the better of him and asked which one of his works she preferred. her eyes perked up. “grab the ‘lion, the witch and the wardrobe!’” he pulled it out, nestled back into his spot and propped his feet on the coffee table. kayla resumed her former position nuzzled up against his chest. “so what’s your obsession with this lewis guy anyway?” he then impersonated the accent of a valley girl. “is he like, really hot?” kayla shrugged her shoulders and smiled. “if you like chubby bald guys, sure. i had a lot of time on my hands when i was in the hospital during my sophomore year. someone suggested i read ‘mere christianity’ and he seemed to have the same questions and doubts that every person has about faith and religion. what he had to write about just made a lot of sense to me. i guess i was never one to really feel god like some people claim to do…i needed to know if it was really true.” “so he has all the answers, huh?” inquired landon. “mmm, that would be easy wouldn’t it? but faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain in what you do not see.” landon shifted a little so he could look directly at her. “tell me more.” he loved the passion in her eyes when she spoke about her faith. it was a contagious passion; one he wanted to know all the secrets to. “what do you wanna know?” kayla asked. “so you say you’re a christian, why?” “mmm, long or short version?” he smiled, “i got no where to be.” “well…it probably started with my dad leaving us. i think deep down i always thought there must have been something wrong with me if he left, but he’d always come to my track meets in high school and he was so proud of me when i won.” she snorted in irony. “anyway, then i got my scholarship to the university of nebraska and later put in the hospital, but my mom spent all of her savings to transfer me to a christian hospital specializing in eating disorders, but i was the worst patient. god, i was so bitter at the world. it was like i was a walking skeleton void of any emotion except hatred. but mostly i just hated myself.” landon studied kayla’s hands as they fidgeted and he took one into his.

she stopped for a moment and turned her head to look at his bewildered face. “what?” she asked. “how did you… change?” he couldn’t imagine she was even describing the same woman he was finding himself so infatuated with. “um…well…to me, church and stuff was just something everyone had to do on sundays; what good people do. i only went to make my mom happy. she suddenly converted shortly after her and my dad divorced. but it just never meant anything to me. i guess i always believed in a higher power…’cause i just couldn’t reconcile the magnificence of the universe with anything other than a creative designer. but…it was never personal. by the time i was in the hospital though, i was just so sick of life in general. i didn’t want to go on; it seemed pointless. i had tried to take control of my life on my own, but nothing was working.” she chuckled softly. “i wanted someone to save me from myself… from the lies i believed. and who better to save you than the one who created you? i wanted him to come down and snatch me away from my horrible self-pity, but he did something different instead.” “what was that?” “he sacrificed his own life to free mine.” “mmm…the whole christ on the cross thing huh? but if he was god…how can god die?” “well, as a human he did…it’s the whole confusing trinity thing that my jehovah witness friends think is demonic.” “ah…i don’t wanna have you explain that to me, do i?” kayla scrunched her nose and shook her head. “mmm, probably not right now.” “so god died for you and now you’re happy,” landon mused. “god didn’t die to make me happy, silly. i mean…i guess in the long run he did. living eternally in heaven is bound to make anyone happy… but the real happiness comes from knowing the rewards god promised. sometimes he seems so far away; not relevant. especially when i don’t take the time to just…sit and think about him,” she whispered the trailing words while her eyes glazed over. shaking out of her deep thought, she turned to look at landon and smiled softly. “what do you think about?” “about god? i think about who he is.” “who is he to you?” “well, it doesn’t matter who he is to me. god is god. he doesn’t change or cease to exist whether or not i or anyone else believes in him.” “you believe in what the bible says about him?”

“mmm hmm. if there’s any definitive source on god’s character, it’s the bible. you can research all the arguments about why or why not the bible is the authentic word of god, but even people who don’t believe in god can attest to it’s authenticity throughout time.” “i always thought it was just a book of stories on how to be a good person.” kayla smirked. “what!? are you making fun of me?” “no!” she giggled. “it’s just…i dunno…it’s justnot…that. i guess you’d have to read it.” “maybe i will.” “maybe.” “you don’t think i will!?” he challenged her. “i didn’t say that, you dork!” “hmm, is there a cliff notes version of it?” “um, no.” “isn’t it boring?” “some parts, but all of it is important if you study it in the right way. all my decisions are based upon how they will affect my relationship with god. and i know how they will from what i read…that’s sorta what the purpose of the bible is…or… one of ‘em…” kayla felt like she wasn’t making any sense at all. “why would god want to have a relationship with us?” landon kidded with her. kayla elbowed him lightly. “because landon, when you have children don’t you want them to love you?” he pursed his lips never thinking about it in such personal terms. “nah…i’m pretty sure if i ever have kids they’ll see right through me for the righteous s.o.b that i am.” kayla twisted around to look at his face. “landon,” she stated gently and reprimanded him. “you are not a righteous s.o.b.” “just a regular s.o.b.?” he perked his eyebrows. “landon,” she poked at him. “a-ha…i just have you fooled,” he winked at her. kayla grinned and snuggled up to him closer. his body felt better than a heated blanket in the middle of a minnesota winter. “life is like a game, you know? and every game has rules. if you break the rules, you deserve punishment. like if god were the rulemaker and the referee in one of your hockey games and called you on a foul, but then sat in the

penalty box so you could keep playing.” landon chuckled. “that would be way cool if the zebras actually did that,” he muttered making her giggle. he related to the majority of what kayla had felt and been through; the oppressiveness of being the best and wanting to make his father proud… only to find that in the end he still went to bed each night with a sense of hopeless dissatisfaction. landon searched deeply into her eyes; admiring the innocence in them that spoke of such an ideology; adoring how determined and resolute she seemed about her faith. he opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out. instead, he leaned over and kissed the top of her silky hair; pausing for a moment to breathe in her essence. “hmm….” kayla blushed and looked down to find her hands that were fidgeting like crazy as she picked at her fingernails. “well, so much for you doing the story telling.” landon’s heart felt like it had swelled to twice its normal size after listening to her talk so openly and he took a deep breath. “some other time. i should go home and practice with doc seuss” she giggled. “and i’d better let you get some sleep,” he stated with more seriousness. “you got the seven am shift?” she nodded as he rose from the couch helping her up along the way and led the way to the bedroom never once letting go of her hand. as he tucked kayla into her bed, she worried that maybe landon saw her optimism as religious mumbo jumbo rhetoric; something that she deluded herself with as a way of placating the all the nonsense in the world. but it wasn’t up to her to convince him of the truth. clive followed them, hopped into bed next kayla and nuzzled his way under the covers. he peeked his head out and looked up at landon as if to say, “sorry, buddy. no room for you.” the exchanged smiles before kayla closed her eyes. “can you lock the front door on the way out?” she mumbled. leaning over, he gently pressed his lips to her forehead. “yeah…goodnight, little one,” he whispered softly and left her room. he felt somewhat inferior to kayla seeing how she had overcome the odds when he felt like he was still struggling to stay afloat sometimes, but he was sure religion wasn’t his answer. there lingered a nagging sense though that she hadn’t shared everything with him. he remembered her comment to veronica about still being a virgin. she honestly has not had a serious relationship with another man? landon shrugged, finding that hard to believe; it wasn’t like he had ever had a serious relationship with a woman, but kayla was different. she was the kind of girl that guys wanted to be serious about. anytime he had asked her about previous boyfriends, she always stated that she never really had any. there had been one, but… what had she said?

then he remembered all she had stated was that things simply weren’t meant to be between them and that was that; end of story. there was one other thing that weighed heavily on landon’s heart when he left her house that night. his mother had been the only other woman that he had ever loved…until now.

landon was on a plane in a couple of days with the team to play in vancouver. todd sat next to him and asked about kayla. “you two left the other night pretty early without saying good-bye. did you ah…have other plans in mind?” he winked slyly. landon shook his head disgust and rolled his eyes. “she’s not like that…and besides, we’re just friends.” todd raised his eyebrows. “just friends, huh? so you wouldn’t mind giving me her number so i can ask her out?” his request put landon on edge. “why?” “would you mean why? she may not be your type, but i’ll settle for a smart little thing like her anytime…a doctor huh? damn, she can examine me whenever…and wherever she pleases.” landon gripped the edge of his seat till his knuckles were white. the lewd expression in todd’s eyes made him want to knock his teeth in. “she wouldn’t go out with you,” he growled . todd furrowed his brow in annoyance. “look, if you don’t want to give me her number just say so.” “fine, i don’t want to give you her number.” todd held up his hands in defense. “okay, sorry. what the hell is up your ass?” landon eased the grip he had on the armrest and sighed. he was no different than todd. how many times in the past had he talked about a woman the same way? --------kayla didn’t have cable at her house, but was itching to watch landon play so she convinced one of her best friends, amanda, to go with her to a sports bar she knew would most likely be televising the game. although she managed to see amanda once a week at their bible study and occasionally at church, kayla never had much time to spend time with her friends outside of the hours that residency demanded, but then again…she had found time for landon. it was hard to admit that he had been her preferred company of choice the past couple of months. she

was only wrapping the noose tighter around her neck the more time they spent together. kayla slid into the booth that amanda had saved after giving her a hug in greeting. “is it still tied at zero?” “yup,” replied amanda. “i ordered you a diet coke and some nachos.” she winked at her friend in gratitude. “how are the wedding plans going?” she asked excitedly. amanda grabbed a fistful of her chic, short brown hair and muffled a humorous scream. “the bridesmaid dresses got all screwed up in the mail, kay…i’m sorry. i was trying to save you money, but it’s just easier to go a bridal shop. is that okay with you?” her wedding was in april. kayla waved her hand genially and shook her head. “i don’t care. you know that.” “i just wish peter and i had gotten this over with three years ago. why did he have to wait until he graduated?” kayla smirked. “because, we’ve been through this before. the manly thing to do is to be able to support the wifey at home so she doesn’t have to work and he couldn’t very well do that on a graduate student budget.” amanda narrowed her hazel eyes. “yeah right…are you gonna wanna stay home with the kids when you get married?” kayla simply shrugged and turned her attention towards the television. having kids someday was a dream of hers that she had long ago given up. amanda cleared her throat; noticing her friend’s silent attempt to change the subject. “how was the party you went to with him?” she gazed up at the same screen kayla was watching minnesota play. it wasn’t necessary to specify which “he” she was referring to. kayla glanced down at her from the television. “um, it was fine.” “fine? kayla, you dragged me to the bar to watch him play! i know the date was more than just fine!” squealed amanda. kayla giggled obnoxiously and surrendered. she spilled all of the details, down to the part where landon tucked her into bed. “he’s not at all like the tabloids make him out to be! but what am i doing? he doesn’t share my faith and he’s annoying and immature and…. well…we could never be together!” amanda suppressed a wide mischievous grin. “you’d better watch it, kay. i think you’ve got it bad… but you never know. maybe sharing your beliefs with him made him think.” kayla didn’t bother to reply and instead turned her attention back to the screen in time to see landon spinning on the ice to avoid a check. like a rocket, with the number twelve on his jersey flying behind, he took off with the puck to fake-out the goalie and score. a huge roar broke out in the restaurant in celebration. the score was now one to zero in favor of

minnesota with just three minutes remaining in the third period. the camera showed landon lifting his arms up in celebration as a close up shot from the lens zoomed in on his beaming dimples while his teammates slapped him in congratulations. the media continued to fawn over the unusually quick and successful recovery of landon. he seemed to defy odds and come back an even stronger player than before his accident. kayla bit her lip and blushed to herself. damn, he’s gorgeous. “ooh, kayla! you’re boyfriend just scored!” teased amanda. kayla shot her the meanest glare she could muster, but then broke out into a giggle. “you’d better watch it!” --------when the game ended in victory for minnesota, the reporters huddled down on the ice to interview the lone scorer. landon answered their questions in a quick and polite manner, but his definition of quick and polite was one word responses to keep from stuttering. when they let him loose, he dashed to the locker room to shower hoping to beat the rest of the reporters. his plan was always the same. stay in the shower for forty-minutes until they were gone. the fact remained that even though he scored, he thought he’d played horrible. as the hot water cascaded over his tired muscles, his thoughts roamed to one particular cute blonde. he missed her. landon smiled. if this is what it felt like to be whipped over a girl, than he decided he liked it…a lot. when he made it back to the hotel, he grimaced at what waited for some of the players when they entered into the lobby; women…beautiful women…ready and willing. he typically brushed by them in spite of his obvious reputation. once in a great while, he’d invite one up to his hotel room after getting back from the bars if he was trashed enough. things were different now. he knew that he had no obligation to kayla. she would never even know, but he would know. for the first time, he was revolted at the men on his team that would slip off their wedding bands and proceed to flirt shamelessly the entire night. keeping his eyes straight ahead, he quickly hastened to the elevator avoiding the disappointed looks of the women and the smirks, hoots and “fresh-man” taunts of his teammates. landon flipped them off as the door to the elevators closed. once settled into the room, he lay down on the bed and rested his hands underneath his head. cubbie wouldn’t be back for another five hours. he was probably playing poker with romeo and mickey in the lobby. they’d been hotel roommates ever since he joined the team. he closed his eyes. what would it be like to make love to kayla? the fantasies made him shiver. he really was whipped. although landon had his share of women, he knew he had never “made love” to them and felt guilty realizing it was more like “wham bam, thank

you ma’am.” and kayla was a virgin?he was amazed at how much more desirable that made her if it was true; wondering what it’d feel like to be the first man to ever be with her intimately; knowing that he would forever be etched in her memory as her “first.” landon kicked himself mentally for letting his imagination run way. damn, he chagrined. she would never have me. she deserves someone way better. landon looked over at his duffle bag. it had his cell phone in it with her number programmed on speed dial. he glanced at the clock. she’d be fast asleep or on call at the hospital, but he got up and walked over to fish the phone out. he held it in his hand for what seemed like an eternity; like a junior high boy debating whether or not he should call the girl he has a crush on. --------kayla heard the phone ring sat up worried. who would be calling? i’m not on backup so it can’t be the hospital. oh, god what if something is wrong with mom…or matt or bryan? she grabbed the phone dreading the news she was going to receive at the other end of the line. “ma!?” she screeched in anticipated horror. when she heard the deep familiar chuckle instead, her emotions switched from fear, to relief, to butterflies in a flash; definitely not a good thing to shock the nervous system in such a fashion and at that hour in the morning. “landon! are you all right?” she exclaimed out of breath. “ah…yeah. oh, kayla, i’m sorry, i shouldn’t have called in the middle of the night…i’ll let you go back to sleep.” “no, no…it’s okay. is anything wrong?” landon stalled for a second. “i-i just wanted to…hear your voice?” kayla flushed; thankful he couldn’t see the heated reaction she’d had from his words. “hey, i watched your game. nice moves!” he relaxed. “um, thanks. i don’t think i played that well tonight though.” “what?! aw man, you sound like me! nothing is ever good enough!” he laughed and settled back down on the bed. “yeah, i suppose.” “so how come you’re talking to me and not out with your teammates or charming some lovely lady up there?” “eh, canadian chicks are ugly.” and that brought forth that unbelievable giggle of hers he loved so much. “they’re like wisconsin chicks…which reminds me. why do they put astro turf on the football fields in wisconsin?” kayla giggled. “do i wanna know?” she gasped. “to keep the cheerleaders from grazing.”

kayla nearly dropped the phone as she laughed hysterically. “landon mitchell stern! that was terrible!” she exclaimed after finally breathing normally. “still…it must be nice though…having any woman you want at your beck and call. one of the perks of being a pro?” she tried to sound like she was teasing, but landon knew better. he was ashamed. “yeah,” he admitted, but then added, “it’s not what’s its cracked up to be though. it’s not like those woman cared about me anymore than i cared about them.” “i understand, landon,” she said softly. he shook his head in disbelief. why isn’t she scolding me right now for being a male whore? kayla continued. “i suppose in the end you both sort of got what you wanted temporarily. she gave you sex to get love and you gave her love just to get sex, but you want to know a secret about women?” he laughed. her insights into the human heart intrigued him. “always!” “well, all of us women deep down want the fairy tale. we’ll give anything of ourselves just hear that we’re beautiful and that we’re wanted. but the truth of it all, is that no matter how wonderful the man turns out to be, he can never fulfill the longing of our hearts, just like no woman can ever fill the longing of a man’s heart.” “so then what we are supposed to do?” asked landon. “do you think that people have sex in heaven?” asked kayla instead. landon gasped. “what!? where did that come from!?” she snickered. “well, answer my question.” “um, i don’t know. i’m kind of embarrassed to answer…i’ve never thought about it.” “well, i have. and here’s the mystery and beauty about why it is only supposed to shared between a husband and his bride. the ecstasy that they get from making love comes from being one body, one heart. it’s the ultimate example of the kind of desire and relationship we’re to have with god. he gave us marriage so that we’d could actually feel and touch and experience the kind of love he has for us. sex is just another way of worshiping god. humans though have taken the beauty out of it; they’ve distorted it.” she sighed. “but in heaven we’ll finally be united with the one who first loved us. the pleasure we get on earth from making love is in constant supply there.” landon imagined for an instance a world in which he constantly got orgasms… that would just be exhausting. “i dunno… worshiping god with sex sounds more like a pagan ritual…” “landon!”

“kidding…so little one…” “yes?” “are you really still a virgin?” “hmm,” she began hesitantly. “i suppose i am in the strict sense of the word, but i’ve messed around with guys in high school and college in a way that was only meant for my husband. i foolishly thought that doing everything else somehow was okay. i was just scared to have sex. i always stopped things right before it ever got to that point, but i guess in my heart, i know that i’m not a virgin. it’s just as much of a sin to imagine yourself having sex with someone else as it is to actually follow through with the desire.” landon cursed himself as penitence washed over him. if that’s true then i’m definitely going straight to hell from the way i’ve been thinking about you. “wow, that’s harsh. so what do you do when you’re madly in love with someone and you want to show her? isn’t that like…what people who love each other do?” “if you love her then marry her!” he laughed. will you marry me then? “but in the mean time, i try to imagine that the man i’m thinking about is somebody else’s husband and he was not meant to be mine. that immediately makes me feel bad knowing that i’m possibly lusting after some woman’s future husband in the only way she’s allowed to.” landon crinkled his brow and let her words ruminate in his mind. he felt more jealousy than remorse towards the man that kayla was supposed to be married to someday. she made him want to be better than that. “i’ll have to work on that one,” he sighed. “yeah, me too,” she confessed; barely able to hold back thoughts of landon holding her, kissing her, touching her intimately. she shivered involuntarily and shook her head in an effort to clear her fantasies. “so doc, you gonna send me a bill for all these late night therapy sessions?” she giggled. “what do you mean? i’m the one who babbles on endlessly!” “nah…you give me chances to as well. it’s just that i don’t have anything insightful to say. i’m afraid the only book i can quote or draw any wisdom from is ‘green eggs and ham.’ kayla smirked and sarcastically replied in a condescending tone, “aw... now that’s not true! i know that curious george is one of your biggest mentors!” “oh no you just didn’t… you’re lucky you’re on the other end of the phone right now! ‘cause you know i wouldn’t let you get away with that!” kayla screeched in delightful mirth. “i’m sorry, you just make it so easy!”

when their laughter subsided, landon looked at the clock. “hey, what are you doing tomorrow around noon?” “who wants to know?” she replied coyly. “wanna pick me up at the airport?”

kayla thought of someone else that morning who would be just as excited to greet landon. she phoned mr. and mrs. alworth and asked permission to pick cody up and allow him to spend the day with them. they hesitantly agreed and gave her strict instructions about medicine dosages and when he should eat and to have him back by seven for dinner. kayla and cody anxiously waited at the gate where he had told her to pick him up from the teams private jet landing. when landon spotted them he hurried his steps and swept kayla off her feet in a massive hug swinging her around. after he set her back down, he immediately grabbed cody and flung him over his shoulder intending to carry him out to the car in a heap of giggles. “landon!” gasped kayla. “careful!” he set cody down who could barely stand up from the all consuming laughter. “thanks for bringing him,” he whispered to kayla and kissed her on the cheek. she waved her hand as if to say it was no big deal. “i thought you might want someone a little closer to your age to play with.” landon grinned and leaned his face into hers. “you’re gonna get it now!” and with that he began tickling her. kayla yelped in shock and embarrassment at the scene they were displaying to innocent bystanders. “cody,” she gasped between giggles. “rescue… me!” cody tried to intervene. “oh, you want some too?” exclaimed landon and then started to tickle him which only served to reduce cody once more into a bundle of amusement. “all right! cut it out!” interrupted kayla. landon gave up on his assault. “where we goin?’” he asked. cody and kayla eyed each other mysteriously. “it’s a surprise!” exclaimed cody. they grabbed landon’s hockey bag and headed out to kayla’s ninety-one, red vw cabriolet convertible.

“will you let me buy you a new car?” landon teased. “i can’t believe you still drive this piece of sh—” he glanced furtively at cody, “…shorry excuse for a…vehicle.” kayla stole a dry look at landon and rolled her eyes as if to sarcastically remark: “nice cover-up.” “lan, i’ve had this car since high school, it’d be like selling clive. they’re my babies.” they piled into the tiny convertible. landon shook his shoulders out once he was settled into the passenger seat and in an overenthusiastic manner turned around to face cody. “what d’ya say we make like a tree…and get outta here!” kayla stifled a giggle…recognizing the movie where he pawned the line from. cody only stared at him oddly. “it’s make like a tree and leave, cody,” kayla reached over pinched landon’s thigh just above his knee. landon jumped and shooed her hand away. “hey, hey…take it easy…” “oh…i get it!” cody exclaimed. once they pulled off onto france avenue from the 494 freeway, landon figured out what the surprise was when they drove into the parking lot at chucky cheese’s in edina. “aw, man…so who’s idea was this!” he pretended to be annoyed. cody hollered, “mine!” kayla shrugged her shoulders sheepishly and gave him a “how could i say no?” look. landon winked at her. they spent nearly two hours eating pizza and playing games. dishing out money to cody for more tickets was landon’s favorite part. “hey, moneybags…wanna donate to the poor, overworked and underpaid resident foundation headed up by yours truly?” landon faked a grimace of contemplation. “maybe…do i get anything in return besides a warm fuzzy feeling?” “yeah…i won’t throw you out on your ass when you come into the emergency room for getting your teeth knocked out.” “you’d still find me irresistible with no teeth wouldn’t you?” he batted his eyebrows at her. “you’re so conceited,” she feigned irritation. “hey, landon, kayla! c’mere!”

they turned their attention to the exuberant eleven year old. cody managed to get all three of them into the huge bin filled with plastic balls. it was an all out war as they tried to wale each other with the colored objects. kayla accused landon of not playing fair. he nailed her on the forehead; leaving a big welt. “ow!” she cried rubbing the sore spot and worked her way over to start pounding her fists into him to wipe that apologetic smirk off his face. he grabbed her wrists and pulled her in to kiss the place where he had beaned her and leaned her head back while faking a grimace. “yeah…ah…that’s definitely gonna leave a mark…” he chuckled and ducked as she threw another punch at him. kayla cocked her curled fingers back for a second attempt, but cody leaped on his back and buried landon. “ha! get him cody.” she took her fist and retaliated by giving landon a noogie; making his already unruly mop of hair stick out even more. he cried “uncle” and exclaimed that it was time to go. late in the afternoon, they walked out and loaded the car down all sorts of prizes cody had redeemed. “hey, cody, i promised to have you home in a few hours, is there anything else you want to do before we leave?” his doe brown eyes lit up. “can we go ice skating again?” kayla thought for a moment. the ponds still hadn’t frozen yet enough to skate on, but she knew of the perfect place and looked over at landon. “do you remember how to get to the depot?” “fer sure. we’re there, man!” he exclaimed in a mock surfer accent. the depot was just that. an old train depot in minneapolis on washington avenue that had been renovated into a beautiful facility complete with banquet halls, places to get food and a large indoor skating rink. kayla took a breather after about fifteen minutes of skating and watched as landon taught cody some skating moves and how to handle the puck with the hockey stick. she smiled deeply and thought about what kind of father he would make after having such a difficult relationship with his own. “hey gorgeous!” landon yelled, pulling her out of her reverie. “you’re break’s been long enough, get your cute little butt out here!” hey gorgeous? she obeyed giddily and the trio spent another half hour goofing around on the ice.

“let’s race!” cody suggested. landon pretended to scoff arrogantly. “you think you can beat me?” cody peeked over at kayla and winked mischievously at her. she nodded back to signal that she had received the silent command. “okay!” she stated. “on three….one…two…three…” kayla grabbed landon’s shirt to hold him back; allowing cody to win. “you’re gonna get it, little one,” he picked up kayla, threw her over his shoulder and pretended he was about to toss her down onto the ice just before she made contact, but cody came back and threw all of his sixty-five pounds on the two of them in a dog pile with kayla taking the brunt of landon’s six-foot three, two hundred and five pound frame. “can’t…breathe…” she gasped laughing. landon’s face suddenly appeared over hers. “are you okay?” he asked with such genuine concern it caught kayla off guard; so flattered by his over cautiousness that her heart began to palpitate. reaching up, she placed her palm on his cheek. “i’m fine…it’s all right….” a smirk played on her lips as she insulted him playfully, “fatty.” he only shook his head as the dimples increased with his growing smile. cody bolted them out of their private romantic interlude by making kissing noises. landon reached over put him in a headlock. when cody finished giggling he sat up and looked hopefully at them. “wow, that ice cream over there looks good!” kayla narrowed her eyes at him. “you’re mother would not be happy if i were responsible for spoiling your dinner. which reminds me that it’s about time we get you home.” he scrunched his nose. “oh all right, but do we have to go now?” landon draped his arm around kayla and mimicked cody in the same pathetic voice. “yeah, do we have to!?” kayla laughed. “…bunch of whiners,” she mumbled. “yes we have to go home now,” she imitated the two with a nasally sounding voice. ---------on the way back to elk river, kayla asked cody what he wanted to be when he grew up. “um…i don’t know, but when i’m old enough to drive i wanna be a flower delivery person.” landon turned around from the passenger seat. “why’s that?”

“because i’d get to make people smile all day. when have you ever met a person who was mad for getting flowers?” kayla clutched her heart and softened her eyes at landon to silently communicate that that was the sweetest thing she'd ever heard. landon turned back around in his seat. “hey cody, bro…if you feed that line to any girl… guaranteed to a get date...every time.” kayla leaned over and whacked landon in the stomach. “hey, he was serious!” “so was i!” cody beamed in the back seat as he watched landon and kayla banter; wondering when they were going to stop pretending to be just friends. ---------after saying good-bye to the alworths, as they walked down the porch steps, landon asked kayla if he could drive. she looked at him as if he asked her to get down on all fours and bark like dog. “hell no, i’ve seen the way you drive!” kayla opened the driver’s door and sat down. “oh? and how’s that?” responded landon as he climbed into the passenger side. “the same way you play hockey; fast and obnoxious.” landon opened his mouth to retort, but then contemplated and surrendered to the fact that the woman had made a valid point. once they were on the freeway he gazed around the interior. “whatcha got for music?” he opened the glove department and then slammed it shut. “when’s the last time you cleaned that puppy out?” he asked in revulsion. kayla shrugged. “i dunno. i use it to put my trash in.” “what the hell kind of trash you got in there? dead body parts leftover from the e.r.?” kayla scowled at him. “you wanna walk home?” landon held up his hands in defense. kayla pushed in a tape. landon flashed a curious glance at her. “you know... back where i’m from we have these really cool things call cd players.” she narrowed her eyes in bogus malice at him.

“sorry, sorry. so what are we listening to, huh?” “shane barnard.” “never heard of him.” “probably not. he actually has something called talent unlike some bands…for example… say, metallica. ” she tried to maintain a straight face. metallica was landon’s favorite band. “hey!” he whipped his body to face her. “do. not. upset the righteous gods…of almighty metallica.” “and here all this time i thought you weren’t a religious person,” she clucked teasingly. landon pulled out his air guitar and began to head bang while singing ‘enter sandman;’ eliciting another round of helpless giggles from kayla. “apparently, you just missed the cut off as their back-up singer with that terrific rendition.” landon leaned over and flicked her ear. “ow!” she slapped him in the gut. “you got any other atrocious and annoying habits i need to be forewarned of?” he pursed his lips and squinted his eyes at kayla while bobbing his head around as if he was exerting some telepathic gift. “spaghetti with…or without meatballs,” he asked in dead seriousness. she chuckled in confusion, but answered his question. “without.” he shook his head in mock disappointment and chastised her. “kayla, kayla…having spaghetti without meatballs is like having macaroni without the cheese.” she chuckled. “you’re really serious about your food.” “i never joke about eating.” “i can tell, fatty.” “four-eyes.” “i’m pulling over….” she taunted. “fine,” he grumbled and paused for a moment. “so…my turn…what’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen in the e.r.?” “besides having you send me flowers for rescuing your sorry ass?” kayla kidded. landon smiled and stuck his tongue out between his teeth boyishly as he leaned over; eyes dancing with hilarity. “yeah, but i have cute ass …don’t i?”

she threw her head back to release her giggles. he wished he could bottle up that contagious sound and pop the top off whenever he craved it. kayla twisted her lips in contemplation when she stopped laughing and then exclaimed, “oh! once…when i was in medical school doing the e.r. rotation, a guy came in with the end of a beer bottle stuck up his hole!” landon squirmed uncomfortably. “what the….?” “he said he fell on it!” he shook his head and laughed. “yeah…people and their weird sexual fetishes. ever heard of gerbiling?” landon recoiled in horror. “ugh…no?” “wanna hear about the grossest thing i’ve ever seen in the e.r.?” landon paled. “no.” “oh…come on…. i’ve seen the way you bash guys’ heads in on the ice and you won’t let me tell you?” “if it’s anything like that glove compartment of yours, i think i’ll pass.” kayla waved her fist at him menacingly and then poked at his stomach. “why? squeamish?” she teased him. “hey, cut it out!” he batted her hand away laughing. “i once cut my finger opening a can of spaghettios and fainted.” kayla scoffed. “what…when you were like eight?” “no, last week.” more giggles. “okay, ask me a serious question,” she challenged him. he deadpanned. “little one, all my questions are serious.” he smiled delightfully when she began snickering all over again. “okay, tell me about your first kiss.” kayla rolled her eyes. “okay. well…it was when i was junior in high school and….of all people….it was with a hockey player.” landon pumped his fist. “that’s my boy!” “it was during christmas break after one of his games at the old met center.” landon nodded; recalling the annual high school hockey tournament. “i probably even

played against casanova!” he paused. “i hope i checked him.” “that actually would’ve been nice if you did. he broke my heart.” “bastard.” kayla chuckled. “so anyway. we went back to his house and he wanted to show me the stars in his bedroom.” landon slapped his knee and hooted with laughter. "dang, i gotta write that one down!” she rolled her eyes humorously and continued. “it was kind of a disappointment. they were only glow in the dark stars on his ceiling.” his laughter subsided after a bit. “so do you kiss with your eyes open or closed?” “closed.” he clucked again. “see… that’s precisely another reason why you and i would just never work out.” kayla crinkled her brow. “why the heck would you kiss with your eyes open!?” “so i can remember who i’m kissing!” she slugged him and gasped. “you are such as ass. you gonna fess up about your first kiss?” “it was when i was in college.” “you are such a liar!” “fine, i won’t tell you.” “sorry, so was she your girlfriend?” “i’ve never had a girlfriend.” “landon, quit with the bull…” and then she glanced over at him. he was serious. “why not?” landon fidgeted with his hands bashfully. “um…i never…um knew how to…you know… be a…boyfriend,” he stumbled over his words awkwardly. kayla really was going to pull over the car, except when she did, she was going to hop into his lap, run her fingers through his thick dark locks and kiss him passionately. seeing landon stern suddenly turn self-conscious was just too irresistible for words. “but haven’t you…?” she cut herself off. it wasn’t her place or her business to query landon’s sexual history. “no…it’s okay,” he shrugged and rubbed his neck in embarrassment.

curiosity got the better of her. “landon, how many…” she shook her head. “never mind.” “how many women have i slept with?” “you don’t have to answer that.” “well…” he laughed sardonically. “i definitely haven’t lived up to the reputation i have in the media.” kayla smiled sympathetically. “eight,” he confessed and then furrowed his brow. “well… eight that i actually remember the first names of anyway.” “wow,” kayla whispered. “at least it’s in the single digits…” she immediately wanted to smack her head on the steering wheel for such fabulous tact. landon shifted in his seat. laying his head back on the headrest, he turned it so his eyes could savor her simple loveliness. looking at her…it was the first time he had ever regretted giving away his virginity; because he realized that he had nothing else to offer her. ---------about twenty minutes later, kayla pulled into landon’s driveway. “that was the best welcome home present i’ve ever received.” he paused. “i hope i can have a kid like him someday. i wish with all my heart he wasn’t sick.” kayla grimaced. “i know,” she whispered, “me too. doesn't seem fair...” landon grabbed his belongings out of the back seat. “wanna come inside for a while?” he asked sticking his head back in the car before he closed the passenger door. “i bought pickles.” kayla wavered and smiled gently at the fact he remembered something she liked. but she was still scared to be alone with him knowing that she couldn’t trust herself. “um, i’d like to, but you should probably get some rest and i have to be at the hospital pretty early.” the disappointment on his face was evident, but she resolved to stick to her decision. landon nodded. “okay, i’ll see you later. thanks again, you made my day.” he paused and added softly, “you always make my day.” she swallowed uncomfortably; trying to steady her breathing from hearing such sweet words. they seemed to course through her veins and leave her trembling. landon hesitated for a moment; wanting to ask when he’d see her again, but simply said goodnight and closed the door.

kayla breathed a sigh of relief as she backed out of the driveway, but realized she was only stalling. avoiding intimate time alone with landon was going to be futile.

kayla read the words on her pager and bit her lip to hold back a grin. her evading tactics lately only seemed to make landon more determined to see her. vanilla latte or chai? lms she picked up the phone and dialed his number. “don’t you have like a job or something?” kayla teased him when he answered. “i couldn’t sleep,” he quipped. “you used that excuse last week.” “any babies come?” he asked knowing she was on the ob/gyn rotation this month. “yeah! three! crazy, huh?” “so are you going to tell me what you want? i’ve already finished two hot chocolates and counted all the tiles on the floor of starbucks three times waiting to hear back from you.” “i was busy…” she giggled. “you doctors always have that convenient excuse don’t you?” “yeah, yeah…um…i’ll take the latte this time.” “neato. i’ll see you in a bit. don’t drop any babies on their head or they’ll end up like me” ---------twenty minutes later, he was perched on the desk pushing the wheeled office chair kayla was seated in back and forth with his foot. back…and forth… she studied him curiously. his eyes darted everywhere and she doubted he realized his fidgeting with her seat was getting on her nerves. “hey,” she placed a hand on his knee to get him to stop. “huh?” he blinked. she set down her coffee. “are you okay?” “um…yeah. i was just wondering—” “oh boy! it’s landon stern!” ron waltzed into the nurse’s station and plopped his

stethoscope down. landon glared at him. “and you would be?” ron raked his fingers through his dark blond hair. “someone who definitely doesn’t support the nhlpa.” landon tensed up. who was this prick? “and what makes you think i care what the nhlpa does?” “you guys are all a bunch of greedy prima—” kayla stood up and grabbed the charts out of ron’s hands. “go take your smoke break okay?” she commanded. “they’re all the same…” he hissed at her. “shut up, ron,” she gave him a cheeky grin. “fine.” he glanced up at landon’s scowl and then back down to kayla. “jason wants you to pick up an lol in nad; room five. she’s been waiting long enough.” with that he walked briskly out of their presence. “who the hell was that?” landon scoffed. kayla groaned; annoyed at picking up the slack of her other fellow residents. she turned to landon. “sorry ‘bout that. rj doesn’t like professional hockey.” “like i care.” “he just gets cranky if he hasn’t replenished the nicotine in his body.” “isn’t it an oxymoron for doctors to smoke?” “the highest rate of smokers work in the health field. relieves the stress.” landon rolled his eyes and chuckled. “relief from the stress of saving lives daily?” kayla folded her arms indignantly and narrowed her eyes. “ah…i see it’s my duty to you release you from the proverbial myth of the doctor.” “oh? and what’s that?” “doctors don’t save lives.” “oh…right. god does.” kayla shook her head. “duh. that’s true. but then why would god create doctors?” he cocked his head in curiosity. “you gonna enlighten me, my little brainiac?” kayla ignored his tender jibe. “because…it’s quite possible that i’ll be the only person in a patient’s life who has ever taken the time to sit down and just listen and—”

“doctor moore!” kayla threw her head in the attention of the nurse who called her. “i’m sorry lan…thanks so much for the coffee. i’m serious. you’re awesome.” he reached out and prodded her nose as he smiled softly. “anytime.” she turned to leave. “hey!” he shouted. “what’s an lol in nad?” kayla giggled. “doctors love acryonyms. it’s stolen from a classic… means little old lady in no apparent distress.” landon chuckled as he watched her disappear into the room. as she closed the door behind her, she rubbed her tummy to still the butterflies that were fluttering inside. how could one man have such an effect on her? “are you finally the doctor?” an impatient woman who looked to be not much older than kayla stood next to a white wispy haired elderly woman sitting up in the bed staring off into space. “yes.” “we’ve been here for four hours! four hours!” “i know and i’m really sorry. unfortunately the emergency room isn’t first come first serve.” kayla glanced down at the chart. “so…you’re mrs. hartley’s daughter?” the younger woman nodded. “she’s running a fever and i think it’s getting worse. she’s hallucinating!” kayla flipped through the elder mrs. hartley’s medical chart. “it looks like…she was admitted six months ago for a stroke in the occipital lobe of the brain…” she murmured. “oh…yes, but she’s been fine since then. really. i just…i don’t know…” kayla smiled at the aged woman. “hi mrs. hartley, my name is kayla.” mrs. hartley reached out and took her hand. “oh yes, dear. that’s nice.” her gaze suddenly swerved to look over kayla’s shoulder. “donald stop it! doesn’t she look like a nice girl! stop poking! donald!?” “you see!?” the daughter cried and began to pace. “she’s going crazy!” kayla pursed her lips to contain her laughter and turned to the daughter. “your mother’s not crazy. i think i have an idea of what’s going on. you’re welcome to stay in here while i give her a physical or you can go take a break for about fifteen minutes and come back. you’re probably pretty exhausted from waiting around.” “okay…i could use something to drink.”

“we’ll be right here when you get back,” kayla patted her on the shoulder reassuringly and then sat down on a stool and began her physical with the sweet lol. “mrs. hartley. who else is in the room with us?” “oh…well, he’s not anymore. it’s strange. i know they can’t possibly be real. sometimes it’s donald, sometimes minnie and sometimes i don’t recognize them at all.” “okay, take a deep breath….you mean donald duck?” kayla positioned her stethoscope on the woman’s back. “why yes.” kayla repositioned the instrument. “okay, take another deep breath…how often do you see them?” “oh…at random times. i try not to say anything because mostly they just stand there like statues. but donald is the one who acts up the most.” kayla smiled. “you don’t believe me?” mrs. hartley looked embarrassed. “actually. quite the opposite. i do believe you and i think i could probably help explain why you’re seeing these cartoon figures.” mrs. hartley relaxed and kayla continued to chat with her casually. she asked about her children and where she lived as she finished the rest of the physical. by the time the elderly woman’s daughter came back, they were laughing and carrying on like two old friends. “is she okay?” kayla stood up and handed the daughter some papers. “i think she does have a bit of the flu and i wrote out a prescription.” “see maryanne…” mrs. hartley pinched her daughter’s cheek. “you worry far too much.” maryanne flashed a tired smile. “mom, why don’t you go out into the waiting area, i’ll be there in a minute.” she watched her mother scuffle out of the room and then turned to kayla. “what about the hallucinations!?” “oh those…i think she’s probably had them for a while, but was embarrassed to admit it until they actually started to move around a bit like they were real.” “huh?” “i wrote down the number of a neuropsychiatrist you should give a call. your mother’s symptoms are characteristic of a condition called charles bonnet syndrome. because she had trauma to the visual part of the brain, it may have produced a scotoma that is being filled in with random images. in your mother’s case its apparently…disney characters. it’s

nothing to be worried about. but you should have it checked out for sure, okay?” maryanne nodded her head slowly and stared at kayla as if she were smoking crack. “uh huh. okay.” she turned and walked numbly out the door towards the waiting area. kayla made her way back to the nurse’s station to find lori sitting in ron’s lap. “how’s the lol?” he asked removing his face from lori’s breasts. kayla rolled her eyes. “flu with a possibility of charles bonnet.” “ha! i’m bummed i let you have that one!” lori looked up from whispering something in ron’s ear. “oh, kayla. your boyfriend left you a note.” she reached out and handed the folded piece of white printer paper to kayla. ron opened his mouth to retort. kayla clamped his mouth shut with her free hand. “he’s not like that, okay!?” trying not to appear too giddy, she slowly unfolded the note. i have a few abbreviations of my own that i’ve stolen over the years. do you realize that you have tmbf? i’ll call you soon. lms. kayla sunk down into the chair, unsure if her legs could hold her upright. “lori?” “hmm?” “what does tmbf stand for?” “huh?” “gimme that.” ron snatched the note from kayla’s hands before she could react. he read it over and snorted sardonically. “what!” kayla protested. “he so wants to get you into bed,” he sneered and flung the note back at her. kayla caught it before it floated down to the ground. “what’s it mean?” “ever heard of the flaming lips?” “the band?” “yeah,” ron rolled his eyes and rose to his feet. “i’m gonna take care of some more traigers and take a nap before the morning commute comes in.” as he walked away, kayla shouted. “well? what does it stand for?”

he shouted over his shoulders before disappearing. “he stole it from a song!” “duh.” disgruntled at the ambiguity, she turned towards lori. “ohmagod!” lori’s mouth exclaimed a few inches from the computer screen. “that’s soooo romantic!” kayla leaned over her shoulder and read the lyrics from the band’s website. yeah, it was pretty romantic, kayla realized as she read them: do you realize you have the most beautiful face…? tmbf. cheezy and lame and yet it didn’t make any difference… because now nothing could keep her from falling in love with landon stern. --------landon excused himself from the table surrounded by his teammates from the dinner in one of the smaller banquet rooms of the hotel. it was their customary team dinner before the following game next evening. they’d have morning practice at the rbc, home of the carolina hurricanes, around ten and then most of them usually went back to the hotel to nap or waste time before they had to be in the locker room. he clandestinely slipped his cellular from his jacket pocket and made his way to the restroom. god, he just adored her voice; wishing he could pack kayla in his duffle bag when he traveled…she would fit pretty easily, he mused as he brought the phone up to his ear to listen to the rings while simultaneously ducking his head under the bathroom stalls to make sure no one else was in the bathroom. she finally picked up on the fourth one. “hey, little one. um…i had a question i needed to ask you.” kayla rolled her eyes and chuckled on the other end of the phone line; absolutely cherishing the habitual phone conversations. “what is it, lan?” “what are you doing right now?” “i’m getting ready for bed.” “are you naked?” “landon stern!” “sorry…” “is there going to be a point to this conversation?” “is there ever a point to our conversations?” she giggled.

“have i told you all my jokes about the ‘man with no arms and no legs?’” “yes, you did while you were on the road in texas last week.” “oh. hey, hold on a sec…” she heard someone muffle something at the other end of the phone and a loud slam. “landon where exactly are you?” “i’m in a public restroom. i had to kick someone out so he wouldn’t listen in on our conversation.” kayla shook her head and giggled. “landon, let the poor man in the bathroom! holding your bladder can cause serious infections!” “it’s okay, i gave him a hundred dollars to stay out.” “worried that someone might steal your unoriginal jokes?” “you mean you’ve heard all those before?” he asked in mock self-pity and then took a shaky breath. “okay, that’s not the reason i called…” he decided to keep stalling though, “ but i do have another joke for you. wanna hear it?” “sure.” “okay, how do you catch a unique rabbit?” she giggled. “i don’t know landon, how do you?” “u-nique up on it.” she fell back onto her bed laughing. clive licked her face. “how do you catch a tame, unique rabbit?” he contined. kayla tried to catch her breath. “oh…i don’t know landon. how?” “tame way…u-nique up on it.” kayla turned over onto her stomach to bury her giggles in the folds of the comforter; recovering a few moments later. “hey, landon.” “what is it, beautiful?” “i checked out all your internet porn today.” “no shit, you discovered my day job?” he kidded with her, but then asked her what the heck she was talking about. “i googled you today at work.” “you googled me…i wasn’t aware that i was google-able.”

kayla giggled. “oh, yeah…you’re very google-able and you have quite a few devoted fans out there. you’ve never been curious to check out your own websites?” “gee…let me think…um, no.” “oh, landon….” she laughed softly. “hey, good luck on your game tomorrow.” he mumbled thanks and paused. “um…you know that note you left me was pretty sweet.” “oh,” he laughed nervously. what the hell does that mean? ‘pretty sweet?’ help me out a little, i’m dyin’ here…. “um…it’s true you know?” kayla sighed deeply. she tried telling herself the blatant attempts at flattery were simply a result of ulterior motives…they had to be. it was her turn to blush and chuckle nervously. “gosh, you’re giving me a toothache…” “i don’t know about that, i’ve seen your idea of nutrition. you’re doing a pretty good job wrecking those teeth on your own.” she laughed softly. he took in a nervous gulp of air. “um…well…see…actually the reason i called was…i was thinking…i was thinking i could take you out when we get back on monday ‘cause i don’t have a game and we’re at home on tuesday against phoenix. …unless you’re busy and then i completely deny all knowledge of ever asking you in the first place,” he rambled on. thankful she was already lying down, kayla definitely would’ve tossed her arm over her forehead and swooned. he sounded painfully shy and insecure. it was so endearing, it made her want to eat him alive. “like an official date?” “yeah?” he asked hopefully. “i-i…” her voice cracked. why go out on an official date with him when she knew they had no future together? even if he wasn’t serious, she was. casual dating usually led to other casual things and though landon had never hinted that he wanted to sleep with her other than his raunchy sexual innuendos whose sole purpose was only to get her to laugh, it was hard to get past the notion that he probably wouldn’t hesitate. and the fact was, if things ever progressed to a rather heated scenario, she didn’t think she’d have the strength to say “no.” it was better to avoid the temptation altogether. “i have plans…with my friend…” it wasn’t a total lie. amanda had mentioned getting together to do wedding stuff. “oh…well that’s cool. no biggie.” the wind had been completely blown out his sails. it was evident in his tone. an uncomfortable silence ensued. strange how women possessed the innate ability to demolish a guy’s hard earned ego in a matter of seconds.

“um…i’m gonna be watching your game though…” she tried to salvage the dead air. “uh huh,” he stared down at the ugly brown tile of the bathroom and drew circles with his foot. “score a goal for me?” she asked trying to lighten the mood. “well, you’ll have to get in line…like behind barbie, candy and kiki…they’re you know…my groupies. kind of an exclusive club. sorry i can’t invite you to join.” the usual spunk in his voice when he cracked jokes was empty and hollow. “oh, i see…” she tried her best to chuckle at his humorous attempt, but he sounded so dejected. “well, i gotta go…wouldn’t wanna cause someone a bladder infection. i hear those e.r. docs have enough on their plates already.” “lan-” “i’ll see ya later.” he hung up on her before she could respond. kayla listened to the empty dial tone. if only he knew how much her body and emotions ached for his presence. ---------formerly the old saint paul river centre, the minnesota arena had been renovated for the return of a professional team to “the state of hockey” since the north stars had been sold to dallas much to the complete shock and outrage of every resident that remembered that surreal day over ten years ago. it was nearly eight thirty as kayla rushed through the negative twenty wind chill through the stadium doors for the game that had started at seven. she greeted several familiar faces of season ticket holders while shooing away a seat stealer. landon always dropped off tickets for her whether or not she could go. if she couldn’t, kayla usually gave them away to a random patient in the hospital, typically a child. on some occasions, landon delivered the ticket himself. it reminded her of his friendship with cody; how easy-going he was with children, but would completely draw into his shell when around other adults. the score was tied at the end of the first period and remained so at the end of the second. she noticed landon’s agitation from her point of view in the club seating. he’d been distant from her the past week ever since his phone call from north carolina and it seemed as if it had carried over into his playing. already, he’d been given one penalty; awarding the opposing team a chance to score with a power play. for better or for worse, his notoriety had been on the rise this season because of his remarkable comeback and rumors of playing in the all-star game. though he’d been in the pros for awhile, his teammates still called him “freshman” because the admiration from the female persuasion still confused him and if he ever spoke it was only to draw an immature laugh. but now… now he was suddenly coming into his own when usually a player in his eighth season had already found his groove; his signature playing style. it was a perplexing, but welcome

change to the team who never saw him as much of a leader. coach lemaire took a risk and moved him into a different line which had been paying off so far, but as a relatively new expansion team, minnesota had little hope for a playoff birth. not that the fans minded. good or bad, hockey games were guaranteed to always be sold out and overflowing even into the railings with stand-only tickets. landon skated out onto the ice with the rest of the team in the midst of cheers before the start of the third period to warm up and stretch; his mind preoccupied and frustrated when generally he was skilled at blocking unnecessary thoughts. he glanced up nervously into the stands and to his relief caught a tiny glimpse of her. kayla seemed to consume every spare inch of his consciousness. it made him edgy and more temperamental than usual. something was going to have to happen between them and soon. does she not see how badly i fall all over myself when i’m with her? should i just spell it out for her? then what? what do i really want? i’ve never felt like this before… it’s just sexual tension, right? ten minutes into the final period, landon maneuvered a quick break for a scoring opportunity and the crowd rose to their feet from the anticipation, but one of the opponents purposely took his stick and used it flip landon onto the ice causing him to slide violently into the boards. the crowd booed vindictively and kayla’s heart beat rapidly in fear; afraid he was injured. it was an obvious, cheap and illegal move on behalf of the other team. nothing landon wasn’t used to, but tonight it really pissed him off. he scrambled to his feet as he threw off his gloves and grabbed his opponent by the jersey, flinging him down onto the ice. the crowd cheered at his retaliation at the ensuing battle that was about to take place. “you little bitch!” sneered his adversary. the other players hopped over the boards onto the ice to prepare for the inevitable fight. the refs decided to allow it for the time being. he tore after landon and swung a punch at him. landon ducked sending a fist into the man’s gut. the player continued to spit crude insults and snagged landon’s helmet off. “did that whore of a mother teach you how take cheap shots?” hell. no. landon’s rage was in full force now. the player’s comment sent flashbacks into his mind of the type of insults mitch stern used on his mother, anna. one blow into the guy’s jaw, he could see blood. landon took another shot to the left eye…and yet another upper cut. he was going to pay for the crude offense. not begging for me to stop yet? good, i’m not finished… ---------kayla sat there horrified; her mouth gaping open slightly. what the hell was wrong with him? he tended towards some rowdy behavior, but something had set him off; something

bad had set him off. a feeling of dread and fury spread throughout her body and she tore her eyes away from the ice. she couldn’t watch this anymore. appalled and disgusted, kayla exited the from the row post haste. normally, she waited and met landon for coffee after a home game, but not tonight. she was so embarrassed for him, but more so, angry. furious. had he not even thought what the repercussions of his actions would be? what they would mean to certain people? cody! oh, poor cody. he idolized landon. “way the be the role model,” she muttered to herself under her breath as she shifted angrily into fifth gear on the freeway and sped home. at this point, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to see landon. at least not until she cooled down or else she would likely start throwing punches at him for acting like such a…well…like such a damn hockey player. ---------landon snapped back into reality when he realized he was being forced off the ice; ejected from the game and from the next game for un-sportsman like conduct. cursing himself, he realized he was probably going to get fined by the league for knocking the guy unconscious. when he finally settled down back in the locker room his face fell into his hands after a tongue lashing from the assistant coach. what the hell came over me? fights were one thing, even expected, but not the kind of fight he’d just instigated. he was frightened by his own temper. and then his next thought was of kayla. dammit, she’s gonna despise me. but the one person that really made him feel a complete jackass was cody. after trying so hard to keep his public behavior in check, how was he ever going to get back into good graces with him after this ridiculous outburst? even worse, he had a feeling cody’s parents would be less forgiving than cody himself. ---------clive began barking. kayla awoke hours later after arriving home from the game. startled, she turned her head to see what time it was on her alarm clock: 1:36 in the morning. then she realized why her dog was barking. someone was pounding at the door. she froze with terror, but when she heard his deep voice yell her name, her terror turned into annoyance and then anger. kayla threw her bathrobe on over her nightgown telling clive to stay as she closed the door to her bedroom and rushed to the front entrance ready to give him a piece of her mind; maybe a piece of her fist too. she hadn’t the faintest idea of what possessed him to barge over to her house in the middle of the night, but upon opening the door, kayla had a pretty good idea. landon reeked of booze. his eyes were glazed over; shirt half buttoned and un-tucked. “you idiot!” she hissed at him. “where the hell is your jacket!?” she looked at him standing there like a vagabond on her doorstep; the frigid air rushing into the house. “kayla,” he pleaded unable to conceal the slurring of his speech.

she growled in irritation and turned her back to him in a huff unable to have the heart to slam the door in his face as she started into the kitchen. he began to follow her without closing the door. spinning around, she rolled her eyes in annoyance; brushing by him to slam the door shut. without a second glance, she stormed back into the kitchen. maybe she could find a butcher’s mallet and whack him upside the head. “kayla…i’m sorry, i’m so sorry.” he tried to touch her, but she backed away. the sight of him was pathetic. she began opening and slamming cabinet drawers, looking for that mallet….“how did you get over here!? huh? god, i can’t believe you didn’t kill anyone on the way!” she whipped around and shoved him in the center of the chest. he stumbled back, but grabbed her by the wrist before she could pull her hand back in time. “kayla, please don’t hate me…please…” his breath was hot with the sweetness of alcohol. kayla attempted to wrestle out of his grip, but he was too strong. “let me go!” she said through her clenched teeth. he continued pleading…not relenting and grabbed her other wrist. “please…” “let me go! landon. let me go!” she shrieked, but the more she struggled the tighter his grip became. “please, baby, please…just hear me out,” he drawled. baby. she remembered the last time he called her that. kayla stopped struggling even though he still had an ironclad grip on her wrists. “there’s nothing to say. if there’s anyone you should be apologizing to its cody. landon this is going to crush him!” kayla watched his face contort into an expression of sheer anguish; as if he were going to break down into tears; the magnitude of her words slicing into him. but he kept pulling her in closer. closer… and before kayla could react, his mouth was covering hers in a very wet, very intoxicated and very passionate kiss. the heat of his breath nearly consumed her. she succumbed for a moment and allowed him to deepen their kiss. landon released her wrists and circled his arms tightly around her back while she clung to the fabric of his shirt as they allowed themselves to drown in ecstasy. he groaned with desire and crushed her body into his so hard she lost her supply of oxygen. she began feeding off of his instead. oh god, forgive me… what am i doing? as much as kayla never wanted this glorious moment to end, it had to. no, landon. not now, not like this! with all of her strength she ripped herself from his arms and wiped her lips still tasting the pungent alcohol.

he turned and clutched the counter top bowing his head, gasping for air. kayla tried to catch her breath as well as she watched his chest heave up and down. “get out!” she screamed in humiliation. damn him! and then cut herself off from continuing to yell as she examined his features. he was sobbing. she rushed over to him. “where are your keys?! landon, give me your keys!” he was so out of it she wasn’t sure he could even hear her. giving up, kayla began probing his pockets to look for them instead. landon was afraid to touch her, but couldn’t help it. her hair, her shoulders, her face; he had to make sure she was still there, still real. kayla did her best to maneuver around landon’s groping hands. “baby, i’m sorry, i just need you…i have to tell you…something…baby, if you just let me…” he mumbled incoherently through his tears. in a vain effort to find them, she admitted defeat, but figured if she didn’t know where they were, neither did he. kayla took his hand and led him into her bedroom. he allowed her to drag him along as he pet her with his other hand; blubbering incoherently through his tears, calling her “baby,” over and over, apologizing and pleading. she coaxed him onto her bed; ignoring his unintelligible mumbling and took off his shoes. clive settled onto his side of the bed next to landon with his head resting on his paws and glanced at kayla as if to ask: “what’s wrong with him?” although inebriated, she could see the remorse written all over landon’s face. the anger began to ebb out of her body as his breathing relaxed. he still kept trying to speak; his words slurry, but kayla placed her finger on his lips. all she saw was a little boy peeking out from underneath the veil in landon’s eyes; the boy that he was so adept at hiding. he had never looked so vulnerable; so needy and exposed. “shh....” kayla sat down beside him and stroked his hair and his face; slowly wiping away his remaining tears. her fingers lingered over the unshaved stubble on his chin. a smile escaped her lips as their eyes searched one another’s longingly; why did he have to be so irritatingly loveable? the agony and shame in his face, in his deep chocolate brown orbs, drunk or not, was real. his eyelids began to get heavy and soon he was snoring lightly. her eyes took a moment to caress his features; the dimples in his cheeks that made her melt when he smiled; the long dark eyelashes, the fullness of his lips. his lips…she touched her own absent-mindedly. yes, he had kissed her. oh god, it really happened. she had been hoping for and dreading that moment. ever since the night at the opening season party, the thought of what it might have felt like if he had actually done it there on the dance floor made her stomach churn with sheer delight.

kayla sighed painfully. this was not what she had expected. it was all wrong. why? why had she allowed her feelings to go unchecked, unbridled? she looked down at him regretfully; wondering how much time had passed. even clive was asleep by now; snoring in unison with landon. the emotions suddenly tumbled out of her and she surrendered. “landon,” she whispered and leaned down to gently kiss his mouth. it was slightly open and she paused; wishing deep down that maybe he’d wake up and capture her lips with his again. “i love you…i must be going insane, but i love you so much…” she sniffled as a solitary tear slip down her cheek. but even love couldn’t sustain the gap between their individual beliefs and lifestyle. for her sake and his, she had to end their relationship before it got any deeper than she had ever intended it to.

landon cracked his eyes open and grimaced in pain from the pounding headache; like an incessant jackhammer drilling into his skull at all angles. he peered over to the right of him and saw pair of droopy eyes resting on its paws. “hey, clive,” his voice croaked. clive responded promptly by licking him on the face. landon wiped off the slobber and attempted to prop himself onto his elbow. when he realized where he was and even worse, why he was there, he groaned and let his head plop back onto the pillow. the familiar scent of kayla’s perfume on the linens did little to comfort him as remembered how furious she was last night. he remembered thinking a few drinks would ease the guilt and shame he was feeling after his wretched behavior. for the life of him, he had no idea how he had convinced himself it would be a good idea to go over to kayla’s and try apologizing. he muttered a curse and forced himself into a sitting position. he looked over at the clock: 12:23 in the afternoon. practice had been at ten. landon released a loud string of profanities. he glanced around the room trying to gather his bearings. where was kayla? i didn’t confess anything last night, did i? all he remembered was crying like an idiot and wanting to touch her. squeezing his eyes shut, he rubbed his forehead. oh damn…! i kissed her! he remembered how satisfying it was to finally feel her lips on his, her beautiful curves underneath his palms, but had hoped their first kiss would be under more romantic…or rather, more sober circumstances. leaning down he found his shoes and shoved his feet into them. the question as to her whereabouts was answered when clive took a flying leap off the bed and began to run, but slipped on the wood floor, slid a few feet and rammed himself into the doorframe. unfazed, the dog scrambled to his paws and made it the rest of the way out to the front door.

landon held his breath as he heard kayla gently close the door and greet her pet, apparently trying to be quiet. he was paralyzed there on the edge of her bed. her bed? where had she slept? shame slapped him all over again in the face. in fact, kayla should’ve been the one to slap him in the face. he wanted to beg her to really lay one on him. hard. returning from her run, kayla wasn’t sure what to think when she saw landon’s black ranger rover still parked on the street. at least i can end this sooner than later, she decided. her resolve vanished though when she tiptoed into the bedroom and saw him drooping his head; his unmanageable dark hair concealing his expression. it felt like instinct to run over, drape her arms around him and run her fingers through his thick mane, but she restrained. landon looked up dejectedly. he braced himself for whatever was going to come out of her mouth, but let all the air out he had been holding inside when she smiled at him. why’d she have to look so adorable even in running clothes with her cheeks rosy from the cold air and damp tendrils stuck to her forehead? “i’d say i’m sorry, but i have a feeling you probably heard that phrase a lot last night.” kayla laughed softly as she sat down next to him. “landon, we need to talk.” her words and the way she stated them made him wince. it was the proverbial prelude to a rejection speech. it came in a close second to the “it’s not you…it’s me…” line, but he nodded in submission. kayla wrung her hands. how was she going to say this? “spending time with you these past months has been amazing. i…i have so much fun with you…but… i can’t give you what you…want.” landon didn’t respond. “i’m not trying to get you into bed,” he whispered and stared off into space counting the number of heartbeats that went by before she broke them all, picked them up and ripped them into even finer shreds. “i know, landon.” she scraped and bit at her cuticles nervously trying to find the words. “i am attracted to you and i desperately want to be with you. i do...i...” desperately. he turned and looked at her with his eyes communicating the same desire. "kayla-" he began but stopped when she quickly averted her gaze from his. kayla knew if she continued to fixate in his eyes, she’d lose all tenacity and shove him back down on her bed to finish what he had started last night. “but i need to be with someone who shares my beliefs… regardless of…personal feelings. in the end, it would just be a big a mess. i want to save both of us from that. it has nothing to do with you not being a christian…” she rolled her eyes at the blatant contradiction. “i mean, it does, but it’s who i am. and if you can’t understand what makes me who i am, how could we ever see eye to eye? we might get along okay now, but it just could never be what…” she sighed in frustration. landon still remained silent.

“please say something,” she begged. “if that's all you want, then i'll share your beliefs with you!” exclaimed landon. exasperated, kayla puffed her cheeks and blew the air out letting her lips flap. “it’s not that easy, i’m not going to be some missionary girlfriend!” landon cocked his eyebrows. “a what?” he scrunched his nose wondering if she was referring to a sexual position. “you know…i’m not going to date you just so i can convert you. it doesn't work that way...it can’t be for my sake or because you want to be with me. it wouldn’t be genuine.” “kayla, i understand what you’re saying, but i’m not bullshitting here just to win you over.” his dark brown eyes burned with intensity. “you have this…i mean… being around you is addicting. you have this peace about you in the midst of all this nonsense; a-and people can sense it in your presence.” he shook his head in wonder. “why do you think i call you when i’m away? why i feel like i’m actually worth something with when i’m with you…” kayla could feel herself wavering with his sweet declarations. she tilted her head and insisted, “stop...it’s not me.” landon held up his hands in surrender. “teach me. kayla… i don’t like the guy who started that fight last night…who…who got wasted and made a pass at you. i don’t want to be him anymore. being with you has made me see that. i won’t ask for anything from you… but your… friendship?” blech, it was like a four-letter word to every broken-hearted teenager. no matter how much i want more…he looked at her nervously, “no more drunk kisses?” his voice was timid. she closed her eyes and chuckled softly as she leaned her head on his shoulder. landon squared his jaw. “i want to be the kind of man worthy of a woman like you, but i know right now that i’m not. “ kayla’s heart quickened its pace. those words alone were enough to make her want to submit to the ardor she felt for him and blinked back her tears. she stared at her lap, not knowing what to say. he just paid her the highest compliment anyone ever could have. he continued. “i just need someone like you to point me in the right direction. maybe i’ll never be good enough for you…and i can’t stand in the way of someone who truly deserves you.” kayla swallowed the lump in her throat. his words…if only he knew the impact they had; the hope they gave her. “kayla, i do have something to ask you, though.” she looked up at him and nodded. “i need to see cody…i need to apologize…but…well, i’m afraid to go alone.”

“of course i’ll go with you,” she whispered. landon combed his fingers through his mop and stood up. “i should go. can i come pick you up around five?” kayla nodded once more and sniffled. landon looked down at her not sure if he should give her a hug, shake her hand, or smile and wave uncomfortably. instead, he just did what felt natural and leaned down to give her a quick peck on the cheek. “see ya,” he mumbled. “landon?” he turned around hopefully. you changed your mind? you wanna give us a try and you’re as infatuated with me as i am with you? “your car keys are still in the ignition.” he grinned sheepishly feeling like a balloon that had just been deflated and walked out. ---------kayla watched landon leave from her front window and thought about what it meant to love him…love is patient. love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. love never fails…1 corinthians chapter thirteen; the celebrated love chapter in the bible. she was torn about how she truly felt about landon. love is not self-seeking…if she did not love him, than she would have continued to lead him on and eventually given into her physical attraction towards him. love always hopes…she wanted him to have the kind of knowledge and peace she had, but not because he wanted to please her. love rejoices with the truth…as long as she was a temptation; a distraction, then he would never be free to search for the truth on his own terms. kayla tried to hold back her tears as she thought of his words…”i want to be the kind of man worthy for a woman like you, but right now i know i’m not.” love is patient…it gave her hope that they could be together some day. and then she thought of michael. it didn’t seem possible that her heart could feel that way again; that she could see her future with someone else; and yet here was landon. it didn’t matter if they ended up together or not; she had somehow fallen in love again. a twinge of guilt coursed in the pit of her stomach; like she was betraying michael even though they had never been husband and wife. two weeks; only two weeks before they were to be betrothed; before she could finally taste the sweet joy of knowing what it felt like have the man of her dreams make love to her. instead of making last minute

preparations for the wedding day, she had to stand lifeless before his grave as they lowered his body into the ground. kayla curled up onto the sofa and hugged her knees as she cried. they weren’t tears of sadness anymore as much as they were tears of joy…never doubt in the darkness what god has shown you in the light. it was something an old college mentor had shared with her once. michael had been the epitome of unconditional love. kayla met him when she transferred schools after being released from treatment. they immediately fell in love. he was everything she had ever dreamed of in a husband; strong christian, gentle humor, the heart of a servant, tender, athletic, charming. she never thought she was good enough for him. who’d want a wife who came from a broken family, a broken body and a broken spirit? it was hard enough to believe god loved her. would there ever be a man on earth that would show her that kind of love? kayla blinked her tears away and clive tried his best to nudge his head underneath her arm so she could pet him. she laughed. the dumb dog could always make her smile. --------landon didn’t say much on the way up to elk river. kayla was able to read his moods by now and whenever his lips were pursed and eyes narrowed, it meant he was deep in thought. “um, are you…feeling okay?” she asked not wanting to breech the subject of cody yet. “yeah, i’m fine,” he answered curtly. fine. i’ll just keep my mouth shut the rest of the way then. she busied herself by gazing at the endless fields that had been covered in a blanket of white. the sky was pink and that always meant snow was on the way. winter was fun up through about christmas time with january usually being the coldest month. after that, minnesotans got cabin fever and couldn’t seem to remember what trees had once looked like with all the leaves on them. the seasons reminded kayla of god’s promises. life at times was an endless winter; spring and summer seemed like a myth, a hopeless fantasy. and then one day, you looked at the lush green of the treetops, the sparkling lakes, felt the sweat linger on your skin from the muggy nights when the sun doesn’t go down until ten o’ clock at night. winter seemed like a bad dream, a reminder that you made it through the dark to emerge even stronger in the light. they pulled up to the driveway of the alworth’s and landon slowly got out of the car; his legs feeling like lead. kayla took his hand and squeezed it. he breathed a sigh of relief; the touch of her skin seemed to bring a surge of courage and

strength throughout his being. landon rapped softly on the door and mrs. alworth finally opened it. landon cast his eyes downward. “may i speak to cody, i-i’d like to apologize to him…for my behavior last night?” he let out the stream of air he had been holding inside and looked up apprehensively at the boy’s mother. before cody’s mom could say anything, her husband appeared from behind. “why don’t you go back inside hon’, i can talk to mr. stern.” landon gulped. he called him “mr. stern.” that was not a good sign. he remained silent as mr. alworth stepped out into the cold and shut the door behind him. it was hard for landon to read his expression. he couldn’t tell if he was angry, condemning, or forgiving. cody’s father sighed deeply. “landon, i know you’re probably remorseful for the way you behaved yesterday. we expected more out of you.” landon nodded mutely. he was clutching kayla’s hand so tightly she bit her lip to keep from yelping. “cody’s suffered a relapse; we’re taking him back to minneapolis this week.” mr. alworth did his best to hold in his tears. landon’s face turned from guilt to horror. “what!? is he gonna be okay? wha-…can i do anything?” “yes,” mr. alworth whispered and then said with more determination. “we appreciate all you’ve done for cody, but it would be best if you ah…well, we don’t think you should see him anymore.” kayla’s heart plummeted and she looked up at landon to gauge his reaction. he squinted his eyes and looked off into the distance; nodding slowly. “i see…” he whispered. “can you at least tell him i stopped by? that i’m sorry?” the boy’s father nodded and landon wasn’t sure if he would actually follow through with the request. mr. alworth bowed his head to kayla to say good-bye and went back into the house. landon let go of kayla’s hand much to her relief as the blood began circulating again. he walked numbly down the steps and back to the car. kayla was frozen. she had to do something, say something. cody meant so much to landon. he was like the little brother he never had. landon grimaced; swallowing the abandonment that was creeping up. his father, his mother… and now cody was slipping away. it was stupid to hope for a meaningful relationship with anyone. he glanced quickly over his shoulder at kayla. she’s gonna leave me too. kayla’s eyes gazed into his for a moment and then darted back towards the front door

wondering what she should do. oh, landon… she rushed down the steps and grabbed his arm once she caught up to him in the driveway. he made no effort to respond to her touch. “landon, i can drive.” he preceded to hand the keys to her like a zombie and let himself in the passenger side. on the way home, landon sat slumped in his seat staring out the window. kayla decided it was best to remain silent. if he wanted to talk, he knew she would listen. but not a word was spoken the entire way home. ---------landon would’ve rather had mr. alworth tell him to go to hell than to hear that cody was sick again. it was like a literal blow to his gut and it seemed as if he couldn’t open his mouth to speak unless it was pried open with a crow bar. why had he gone over the edge last night? yeah, maybe he had been preoccupied with kayla; whatever. there was no excuse. “did that whore of a mother teach you how to take cheap shots?” landon clenched his fist remembering those words. it hadn’t been the first time he’d heard them as the bitter memory seeped back into his conscious… “hey mom, what’d you think of the game?!” landon examined anna’s features. her face was tear stained and streaks of mascara ran down her cheeks. she dangled a glass of brandy in her french manicured hand. when she heard landon’s voice, she tried to straighten up and smile not expecting him home so soon after his game. “oh, my love, you were unbelievable as usual. four goals! i’m so proud of you, baby!” “mom, what’s wrong?” landon didn’t know why he bothered asking. and in response to his question he heard a woman’s voice cackling with laughter descend the stairs. he heard two pairs of footsteps reach the landing and appear around the corner. landon shook his head in disgust at the floozy his father had his arm dangled around. he didn’t have to guess what was going on. the disheveled clothes, smell of alcohol and cigarettes told all. he could even smell the sex all over them. at thirteen, landon was still puny, but had a temper to match his father’s. “son of bitch!” he screamed at mitch. “what, one tramp isn’t enough? you had to go find another one!?” “landon….” his mother’s voice was slurry from the brandy. landon balled up his fist. his father sneered at him. “what are gonna do, boy? you gonna beat up your old man?” landon flew at him kicking him and punching him everywhere he could. mitch grabbed his son by the hair, but landon continued to kick him. “stop it!” cried anna and rushed over to break it up. mitch took his free hand and shoved anna against the wall. it sent her brandy glass flying; breaking into pieces when it hit

floor. mitch let go of landon and stared at anna lying on the floor with shards of glass spread in every direction. “damn it! look what you did!” he shrieked. she lay there convulsing with sobs. “pick it up you worthless whore!” mitch continued his insult. landon forgot about his father and rushed over to help his mother pick up the broken glass. mitch stared at the two of them and breathed heavily. he looked up at the woman he had spent the past couple of hours with. “what the are you still doing here, bitch?” he slurred a few more profanities in a flat tone of voice while flimsily waving his hand to shoo her away. in his drunken stupor, he carelessly stepped over his wife and son on the floor and dragged himself back up the stairs... landon had been too young and too small to give mitch stern what he deserved that night when he was thirteen; last night though, he was old enough and big enough…he just took it out on the wrong guy. ---------kayla didn’t hear from landon for nearly ten days. she wasn’t sure what to make of his absence since rarely did either of them go two or three days without some sort of communication. it was agonizing. maybe he had given up all together on his heartfelt declarations...maybe they meant nothing afterall. but he finally called on saturday. “hey beautiful,” he breathed on the phone. “hey…” she cooed softly. “i thought you might’ve dropped off the face of the earth. how ya doin?’” he inhaled deeply. “not bad. i have question.” “do i have the answer?” she asked him playfully. “yes, i believe so. where do you go to church?” “it’s in bloomington. you wanna meet me there tomorrow?” “what time?” “mmm, i can meet you out front at ten-thirty,” and told him the directions. “all right, i’ll see you there.” the line went dead. kayla stared at the phone and furrowed her eyebrows not sure what to make of their brief exchange. it was strange of him; considering he typically liked to draw out the conversation, but then she hoped maybe he was working just as hard and she was to keep

his emotions in check. ---------landon was apprehensive when he pulled into the parking lot; but once he spotted the cute blond huddled up in a long black winter jacket, he relaxed. the past week he had spent a lot of time ruminating about what he’d been through. the fight. the booze. kayla. his resolution. cody. rejection. if change and growth was what was going to happen, he figured the best place to start was church. he strolled up the meet her. snow was softly falling to the ground in big flakes and kayla noted the way they clung to landon’s long eyelashes. “i drank an entire pot of coffee this morning so i wouldn’t fall asleep,” he joked. she playfully whacked him. “i can assure you that i’ve been to some snooze-worthy churches and this is definitely not one of them.” they walked into the building and landon heard a voices singing along with a band. “where’s the choir?” he asked. “we don’t have one.” “yeah, but in the movies there’s always a choir.” “landon, hollywood is make-believe, remember?” she chided as an insult. “have you ever met my sidekick?” he asked; wanting to retaliate. “don’t you dare!” she hissed. landon ignored her warning and flipped up the lower half of his leg to subtly kick her in the rear end as she did her best to block it. “you’re so gonna get!” she narrowed her eyes and whispered as they shook hands with the greeters who were passing out programs. "promise?" he grinned wickedly and then ducked from another blow that came from her direction. they found their seats and joined in the singing. landon simply read the words on the screen and was content to listen to kayla’s sweet, adorable voice; he’d like to bottle up that sound along with her giggle. she often glanced up at him smiling. after a few songs, someone went up front and gave announcements. after more songs, the preacher took his position. landon leaned over and whispered in kayla’s ear. “when are we going to do this thing,” and he tried his best to imitate the sign of the cross starting from his forehead. she covered her mouth to stifle a giggle. “landon, i’m not catholic,” she whispered.

“what's the difference?” he whispered back out of the side of his mouth. she responded by lightly slapping his arm with the back of her hand. "don' worry 'bout it." he flipped through the program and noticed the title of the sermon. ‘why would a loving god allow suffering?’ landon sat back smugly. this, i gotta hear. the pastor was quite engaging and dare landon say almost entertaining? he was the type of person who could remark on just about anything, but the way he said it always resulted in a peal of laughter from the congregation. but when it was time to be serious, landon found himself resting his elbows on his knees and leaning forward to take in every word that was being said. the pastor started out by sharing true stories he had collected over the years from people who had suffered and doubted in a god and he himself admitted to how many times he wanted to numb his own pain with drugs or alcohol. kayla peeked at landon. he was listening intently. both knew what it was like to have that gnawing kind of emotional pain. and both had their different techniques of burying it. the pastor continued. “god never said that once we believed in christ our lives would be better. in fact some of the strongest christians suffered the most pain. look at christ himself!” he read scripture from the book of james; the second verse of chapter one. “consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds.” the pastor started chuckling. “i don’t know about you, but i consider it pure joy when i’m not facing trials! when you’ve got trials all around you and the world is crashing down, james says to consider it pure joy? what!?…but listen to the rest… ‘because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything…’” at the conclusion of the pastor’s sermon about ten minutes later, they closed with a song and lingered out into the foyer. kayla introduced her friends to landon. several people recognized him, but graciously nodded as they walked by. a few of the younger, less shy boys asked if he really was landon stern and he knelt down to greet them eye-to-eye; talking to them as he generously signed his autograph. some of the parents approached him and apologized in embarrassment, but landon just waved them off in reassurance. he was hoping fans still liked him after his foolish antics on the ice two weeks ago. after a few minutes of small talk, kayla took landon’s arm and made some excuse to people about having to get going as she remembered his distaste for being the center of attention. they walked outside into the falling snow. “so?” she asked tilting her head and gazing into his eyes. he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. “i’ll see you next week; same time, same place?”

she lowered her head, blushing slightly and peeked up at him with a soft smile on her face. “okay.” landon flashed a grin at her, trotted off to his car and took off.

kayla’s church was refreshing; not what he anticipated at all. absent were any of the rituals and condemning preaching he had avoided all his life. landon assumed god was something or someone who didn’t care if he allowed earth to resemble a living hell, but there had to be a reason why god allowed it, right? but then it seemed cruel for god to make people suffer just so they would surrender to him. that resembled more the vindictive notion of being tortured to submit to another’s will. he recalled one of her many apologetic speeches they shared over their numerous late night talks…“anything apart from god is sin, and the cost of sin is death. someone had to pay, landon. and god decided that he loved us so much, he would take the punishment himself. so in the form of a human being, he came down to earth …and he paid it. pretty cool, huh?” he could almost hear the grin in her voice. pretty cool, huh? her child-like nature brought a smile to his lips. so kayla thought god was pretty cool. what was it about her? why was she so different; the one to finally capture his heart? not that she was perfect by any means, but like landon had told her, she possessed an inner peace and understanding that seemed to transcend the monotony of everyday life. if it was was because of god, then how come all the other people he'd come across in his lifetime who said they believed in god or were a "christian" were almost completely the opposite of her? usually when she talked about her faith, he never really listened. he just enjoyed watching the animation in her face. her voice was like a spark about to explode into a burning fire and she’d wave her hands around wildly to try and get her point across. for some peculiar reason it was same way she acted whenever she saw a squirrel run by. she’d squeal in delight and try to start up a conversation with it as if it completely understood every word she was saying and then took it as a personal insult when it ran away from her. kayla was also the only person he knew that would stop in the middle of the freeway and cause an accident just encourage the “wittle guy” to make it across three lanes of traffic before he got pulverized. she dealt with death and dying of humans on a daily basis and yet her world seemed to fall apart when she saw a dead animal lying on the side of the road. he remembered her story of hitting a rabbit with her car as a teenager and she dialed 9-1-1 in hysterics. “i think i killed him…he’s dying…we need an ambulance!” apparently the people at the switchboard kept passing her call off because when they discovered she was talking about a rabbit they thought it was just too hilarious. when the cops finally came, as a joke, they pretended to arrest her for cruelty to animals.

the woman of his affections also took it as a deep offense when people told her that her beloved animals didn’t go to heaven either. when landon asked her about the fate of spiders and mosquitoes, she stated those things came from hell so they can certainly go back there, but ladybugs were an exception to the insect world. she joked that to kill a ladybug was like a "mortal sin" and just as bad as breaking a mirror; lest you want seven years of bad luck raining on your parade. she was a brilliant doctor, yet couldn’t balance a checkbook or put her clothes away; they just lay all over her house. it was like the minute she stepped through the door, she stripped out of them and left a hurricane in her wake. laundry was only done if the clothes smelled bad enough or she ran out of underwear. the dishes were cleaned in the sink only if she couldn't find a clean fork or mold started to grow on them. otherwise, she just “didn’t have the time…or more often then not, “just didn’t want to.” it was the little things he loved too: she was addicted to candy, but hated chocolate, drank diet coke like it was going out of style, incessantly chewed gum and left it on her bedpost or either on the dash board of her car, and to kayla the word miniature didn’t exist; it was replaced with baby; for example, miniature candy bars. “no, landon…they’re called baby candy bars.” she cooed at anything that was "baby" sized. and she never did anything just half-way, but it would at times get her into trouble. if something occupied her fascination, she’d lose all track of time and engross herself in it; meanwhile neglecting other more important tasks, even to the point of forgetting to eat or sleep which surprised him because the woman loved to eat and she loved to sleep. despite her quirks, she was his “little philosopher;” and rarely gave advice, but instead listened intently and always used a quote to back up her opinions. and there were a million philosophical questions running through his mind, but ever since kayla had come into his life, she or something had been hacking away the barriers he had put up over his heart for so many years. religion is for the weak and simple minded, he once believed, but kayla was the strongest most intellectual person he’d ever met. hard as it was to put her at arms length, he began to understand that if he truly loved her, he’d have to be willing to put her interests above his own. maybe someday, if i can finally see her faith the way she does, she’ll have me. her resolve for him to accept christ because it was the truth and not because he wanted to be with her, was the message she had given loud and clear; but to accept it as the truth; to tell people that their beliefs and their lifestyle was wrong? it didn’t seem fair or right and he wasn’t sure if he’d ever have the strength and conviction to admit something so bold and exclusive. ---------“you really got him to go to church with you?” asked dana a week later as kayla folded laundry at her mother’s house. “mom, you make it sound as if i bound and gagged him to get him there. he wanted to go.” “what prompted that?”

kayla refrained from indulging everything that happened the night he came over drunk and made a pass at her, but simply said, “we came to an understanding about our relationship and i think he wanted to see why i thought my faith was more important than being with him, but i also think he’s been looking for answers in his life and hasn’t found them yet.” dana looked at her daughter suspiciously. “what kind of understanding? kayla…i know you’ve had a crush on him.” “mother!” she tried to protest indignantly. “i haven’t seen your eyes light up like that when you talk about landon since…” dana bit her lip, it was an unspoken rule to never mention michael’s name. instead, she quickly said, “well, you’ve just never seemed that excited about a man in a while.” kayla sighed trying again to shove aside the memory of michael. “mom, i am attracted to landon and being with him…well he is the first guy i’ve felt like i could talk to forever.” she pursed her lips into an irresistible smile. “i always tease him because he can barely put a sentence together whenever a reporter interviews him, but he actually was pulling a three point seven gpa in his kinesiology courses at the u before he got drafted!” dana returned kayla’s smile. she continued. “but you know that nothing comes before my faith. even if i was in love with landon, it still wouldn’t change the fact that he doesn’t share my beliefs...” she paused and then added hopefully, “yet?” she finished rationalizing, “but i don’t want him to pretend to share them just so we can be together. and besides we’re probably not even right for each other!” dana smirked and kayla caught a twinkle in her eye. “what!?” she demanded of her mother. “you are in love with him, aren’t you?” kayla’s eye’s widened in shock. “no…i just…” she started still trying to deny her mother the satisfaction of being right. “i love him like a brother.” “no you don’t!” kayla tried to give her mom the evil eye, but what was the point? exasperated, she confessed. “mom, i don’t know how or why that i managed to fall in love with him! i’m so foolish!” she rolled her eyes and laughed. “i mean of all people, an arrogant, brute of a hockey player, who has done nothing but waste his life away with money, women and alcohol!” she let out a deep sigh and smoothed her hair with her fingers. “am i just confusing love with my attraction towards him?” “kayla, you of all people know that if that were true, you’d have realized that a long time ago,” clucked dana. she gave her daughter a sympathetic and reassuring smile. “strange how it seems we can’t help who we fall in love with.”

“oh, mother, of course we can help it. you’ve been reading too many romance novels,” reprimanded kayla. dana put her hands on her hips and gasped. “ha! now that just shows how well you know your mother! i do no such thing!” kayla shook her head and grinned to herself as she finished folding the last of the laundry. her mom did have a point though. if she didn’t truly love landon, she would’ve seen right through his good looks and politely declined any opportunity to spend more time with him. but the more they got to know each other, the more she saw a little boy, desperately wanting to know what love was and wondering why he felt so alone. but right now, i do have to love him like a sister. he needs a friend, not a girlfriend who will just complicate what’s really important. she silently prayed that if she and landon were not meant to be anything more then the “head over heels” emotion she felt for him would be extinguished. “is matt coming home for christmas?” kayla abruptly changed topics. dana’s eyes perked up. “oh, i can’t believe i forgot to tell you! he is coming and he’s bringing his new girlfriend with!” “what!?” gasped kayla. “he must really like her if he’s dragging her out here to meet you!” “she sounds like such a nice girl. i know matt was excited to introduce her to you as well.” “what day is he coming in?” inquired kayla. “on christmas eve day; i think their plane gets in around three. i thought we could pick them up and take ‘em to the early christmas eve service.” “what’s bryan doing?” dana furrowed her eyebrows. “well, i think he’ll be there. i know he usually comes just to make me happy, which is sweet, but it’d be nice if he wanted to go church for a change.” kayla noticed the sadness pass through her mom’s eyes. dana wished all her children shared her beliefs. “mom….?” she asked quietly. dana turned to face her daughter catching the change in her tone. “what is it?” “are you going to see what dad’s doing?” dana sighed in defeat. “you know the routine, kay. i ask him every year and every year he turns me down.” “why? it’s not like he has anyone to spend the holidays with!”

“kay, honey, he feels awkward around matt and bryan—” “i know, but—” “that’s not even the main reason, either.” kayla furrowed her brown in confusion. “mom…it’s been like twenty years.” “it doesn’t matter, kayla. he won’t forgive himself and he won’t accept our forgiveness either.” kayla leaned back against the dryer and crossed her arms. “i should’ve asked him to walk me down the aisle.” surprised her daughter even breeched the topic of her ill-fated wedding, she responded, “he probably wouldn’t have done it anyway.” “yeah, but at least he would’ve known i wanted him to.” “but did you?” kayla bit her lip and cast her gaze downward. dana rolled her eyes. “he insists on carrying around his guilt as if it were some sort of battle wound. maybe someday that’ll change.” “yeah, maybe,” kayla whispered. “what’s landon doing?” her mother suddenly asked. she pondered for a moment. “i guess i assumed nothing. for thanksgiving, they played edmonton the night before, but had to travel to detroit for a game on the twenty-sixth.” “why don’t you invite him to spend it with us?” dana offered. kayla licked her lips, and replied uncertainly. “um, okay?” “great, what’s his number?” kayla’s mouth gaped open. “now!? you’re going to call him? now!?” “sure! why not? it’s my home. it’s only polite that i invite him myself.” kayla grinned wickedly at her mother. dana knew kayla wouldn’t get around to asking landon until the last minute and she was dying to meet the man that had stolen her daughter’s heart. “really, kayla. i’d hate to think you’ve been meaning to hide him from me on purpose!” kayla pursed her lips stubbornly. “mom! i just thought introducing you would give him… and you the wrong impression!” “well it’s too late for that!” chuckled dana. “now, what’s his number?”

“612 – 555 – 1433.” dana batted her eyebrows in an effort to tease kayla about having landon’s number memorized. kayla grabbed basket of clothes to put them away for her mother upstairs, but sat down on the bottom step out of sight; anxious to see what his response to dana would be. ---------“hello?” answered landon with curiosity. i only know one moore, who’s this? he thought glancing at the caller id before picking up. “mr. stern?” “yeah?” “this is dana moore, kayla moore’s mother.” “is something wrong with kayla?!” he gasped. she laughed, appreciating the concern in his voice. “no, no, dear. i’m calling because i would love for you to join kayla and my sons at home for christmas eve. i know it’s still a few weeks away, but people usually already have plans.” relieved that kayla was all right, it was soon replaced with nervousness. he had never met another woman’s mother and this wasn’t just any woman’s mother, this was kayla’s mother. he was guaranteed to make an ass of himself. “um, christmas eve?” “yes, it would just be the four of us in addition to you and my son matthew’s girlfriend.” landon remained speechless. “do you have other plans? i mean it’s no big deal if you do. kayla has just told me so much about you and i’d love to meet you,” dana stated. “she has?” did she mention anything else? he wanted to ask. like for example… she wants to have my children? “well, of course! so should i wait to hear back from you or can we plan on seeing you around four o’clock that evening?” “wow, um, thanks…i usually don’t do much on christmas except maybe visit my cousins.” “is that a yes?” “ah, yeah…i mean yes. w-where should i come…or-or meet you?” landon noticed how much kayla and her mother sounded alike; sweet, ageless, reassuring voices. “oh, wonderful! kayla can pick you up!”

“oh no, that’s not necessary. i can pick her up on the way. i insist.” dana giggled; enjoying his heart-felt attempts to be a gentleman. “okay, mr. stern, i’ll tell kayla then she has to be ready at four.” “okay,” breathed landon with slightly less anxiety. “um…call me landon. i feel kinda weird when people say ‘mr. stern.’ it always sounds like they’re trying to make fun of me. you know? the name sounds like it belongs to an old guy who has pants hiked up to his neck and a big bushy unibrow.” dana doubled over in laughter. kayla rolled her eyes. landon apparently had already won his mother over with one of his stupid remarks, but who was she to talk? she fell for them all the time. “oh…landon. i’ll be sure to tell kayla to be ready, okay?” “okay, thank you…um thanks for inviting me.” he stammered. “all right then, we’ll see you soon. ba-bye!” “bye.” landon hung up the phone. so he’d get to meet kayla’s family. for the first time in his life he was looking forward to christmas.

kayla dabbed her lips with some gloss and smoothed a few stray hairs. she glanced out the window with glee. it not only was going to be a white christmas, but the snow was presently falling; painting the city in white glitter. clive sighed loudly as he lay on her bed. kayla went over to pet him. “oh, you poor baby! i’ll be back tonight and you’ll get your presents in the morning,” and she kissed him on top of his head. the doorbell rang and kayla went to open the door with clive in tow. she had to admit part of her child-like excitement wasn’t just due to christmas; it was due to getting to spend it with landon. during most of the month of december he had a string of games at home which afforded him the opportunity for the occasional coffee run during her shifts. ron even began to warm up to him after landon started taking orders from the staff and buying everyone’s drinks for them. landon faithfully met her at church nearly every sunday, but never talked much about the message given. he just wasn’t feeling it. and neither heaven nor hell seemed real enough to him. yeah, he was messed up. no one needed to tell him that he sinned. he wanted to be different, wanted to worthy of kayla, but it seemed to good to be true that all he had to do was confess, repent, admit that jesus christ was the one true god and viola…he’d be a new person. he’d seen enough “christians” to know that was far from the truth…but he’d also seen how different kayla was from the rest of the world.

flinging the front door opened, kayla gripped the edge tightly. he looked so damn handsome in his black overcoat and red scarf. once again, she took note of the snowflakes that lingered on his long eyelashes. he stepped inside and planted a kiss on her cheek. “merry christmas, little one.” “merry christmas yourself,” kayla responded blushing. whew, just breathe, kayla… “so you’re sure you had nothing better to do than to hang out with us tonight?” “well, eating take-out and picking my toenails was a tempting alternative…but i’d thought spending it with a cute little blonde and her family would be a tad bit more appealing.” kayla rolled her eyes and giggled. “let me get my jacket.” she slipped on her heels reached for her coat. “here, allow me,” offered landon taking the jacket and holding it out for her arms to slip in. “thanks,” responded kayla. she dashed back into her bedroom and grabbed a large shopping bag. “i almost forgot!” “whatcha got in there?” he asked. “presents, of course!” “but what if i didn’t get you anything?” he asked with a playful look in his eye. “then i’ll be glad because you shouldn’t have gotten me anything!” then she further added truthfully, but lilted her tone with sarcasm, “your presence is present enough for me!” “that was a good one kay. not the best, but it’s got potential.” she narrowed her eyes and stuck her tongue out. he was tempted to mention something about better uses for that tongue of hers, but that would have been…well…not exactly fitting for the occasion. kayla caught his flirtatious look and planted her hands on her hips. “landon mitchell stern, what is on that dirty mind of yours?” “what are you talkin’ about, gutter-girl?” hefeigned offense as he led her out the door and to his car. “you get a new ride?” asked kayla eyeing the unfamiliar sleek, silver jaguar xk. “nope, it’s your christmas present.” she turned and slugged him. “shut up!” he laughed; pretending to take cover from another blow that might be coming. “easy there, tiger! i’m just kidding, i knew you’d kill me if i ever did something like that. i just

don’t drive this one that much and i wanted to impress your mom.” kayla rolled her eyes. “just how many cars do you have!?” “six.” kayla shook her head and narrowed her eyes condescendingly. “that’s ridiculous landon. you know you should give at least one of them away to someone who actually needs acar!” “okay,” he shrugged. “know anyone who needs a car?” he asked opening the passenger door for her. kayla looked up in surprise as he was about to close the door. “really?” “yeah,” he said. “i just like collecting and showing them off. it’s not like i need them.” he closed the door and walked around to the driver’s side and got in. kayla smiled at him once he settled in. “um, yeah, i know a few,” she answered slowly wondering if he was actually serious. “okay,” he winked at her as if he was holding a secret. she eyed him suspiciously seeing that he wasn’t going to discuss the subject further and they sped away. -----------kayla typically attended her mother’s church on christmas to appease her. bethlehem baptist church was a well-known church in downtown minneapolis; home of a popular and charismatic preacher. kayla enjoyed her mom’s place of worship; she just preferred the smaller atmosphere of her own. there was a large gospel choir down in front and she and landon eventually found her mother, matt, and his girlfriend saving them seats in one of the pews. “where’s bryan?” asked kayla. dana pursed her lips into a disappointed smile. “he said he’d make it over for dinner.” kayla introduced landon to her mother, matt and matt’s girlfriend, tiffany. landon recognized where kayla inherited her looks. although dana had darker features, kayla had her face, smile and petite, but curvaceous figure. he leaned over and kissed dana on the cheek before turning to her daughter. “kayla, i thought you were pretty decent looking, but after meeting your mom…” he released a low whistle. “oh, stop it!” blushed dana obviously not bothering to hide her pleasure. “i forgot to warn you about his pathetic attempts at flattery!” laughed kayla as she punched him playfully. landon slipped his arm around her shoulders and squeezed her. “don’t get started, little

one…” he whispered in her ear flirtatiously. he turned his attention to matt and tiffany. matt shook landon’s hand. “so my sister rescued you, huh?” landon looked down at kayla lovingly, “yeah, she did,” he replied softly; his voice and soft gaze revealing the fact he wasn’t referring to the car accident. kayla cast her eyes downward biting her lip in embarrassment. “well, i just keep him around now because i feel sorry for him!” everyone chuckled as landon affectionately tugged a lock of her hair pretending to be insulted. kayla focused her attention on tiffany and gave her a warm hug. “it’s so nice to finally meet you!” she greeted matt’s tall, sandy color haired girlfriend. surprised at her affectionate reception, but flattered nonetheless, she returned kayla’s greeting. kayla then embraced her younger brother. “mattie, you never call me enough, i missed you!” he was about five foot eleven and had darker hair than his sister, but shared her blue eyes. once settled in their seats, kayla chatted with a couple of dana’s friends in front of her, but the choir began singing to mark the beginning of the service. after breathtaking renditions of ‘hark the herald angels sing’ and ‘joy to the world’ from the choir, there was a welcome and opening prayer. when the offering was passed around before the sermon, landon tore off a piece of paper from the program, jotted something down and slipped it into the offering with a hundred dollar bill, all the while trying to appear incognito. kayla leaned over to whisper with curiosity, “what did you write?” landon winked at her and prodded her button nose with his finger. “don’t worry ‘bout it.” she twisted her lips in curiosity and their eyes held each other’s for a few moments before it was broken by the beginning of the sermon. after that came kayla’s favorite part of the christmas eve service. the lights were turned off as worshipers took their individual candles and passed on the flame to one another. landon’s breath caught in his throat for a moment when he took sight of how the fire flickered in her eyes when she glanced up at him after he lit his candle from hers. when all the individual candles in the congregation were lit, all sang ‘silent night.’ the telling of christ’s birth fascinated landon because the only recollection he had about the story was that mary and joseph went door to door asking for a place to stay and eventually got the shaft by being holed up in a barn where mary, who…ahem… supposedly claimed she was a virgin, popped out little baby jesus who didn’t even cry once the entire night. of course, there was more to the history than the innocent child-like

fables afforded to most. all of these people put their hope and their lives in the validity of this far-fetched story. but were miracles really all that far fetched? he glanced down at kayla; hypnotized by the soft glow of her smooth cheeks, the sweetness of her voice while she sang. after all, his very own miracle was standing right next to him. ---------as people sauntered out into the chilling air, dana took her turn this time introducing her children and their guests to her acquaintances. grateful and surprised no one hounded him for the local celebrity that he was, landon once again noticed that a church seemed to be the last place where people treated him differently, but instead gracefully acknowledged his presence. “wanna drive?” he asked tossing kayla the keys as they walked out to the parking lot. her eyes widened in excitement. “really?” he nodded, enjoying the sparkle in her eyes; much like the time when she recalled that for her eighth christmas she had received her very first barbie and the rocker doll from santa. they slid into the leather seats of the luxury car. kayla pushed in the clutch and turned the key in the ignition. “fasten your seat belt. are you ready to see what this car can do?” landon raised his eyebrows. “oh really? you think you’ve got some hidden tricks up your sleeve that i haven’t tried yet?” she stuck out her tongue between her teeth and giggled devilishly. upon exiting the parking lot, kayla floored the car near the red before shifting to second; shrieking in delight. they made it on the highway and she eased into the left lane topping out at ninety-five miles per hour. landon loved drinking in her adorable actions. is there anything she does, that doesn’t turn me on? he chuckled. “hey, speed racer…wanna ease up on that lead foot of yours?” feeling her conscious kick in, kayla grinned sheepishly and obeyed landon while decelerating back to sixty. she eventually pulled into her mom’s driveway about ten minutes later. “thanks!” she said her face flushed with adrenaline while she handed the keys back to him. landon winked at her. “anytime, little one.” kayla grabbed her packages from the back seat and landon gently retrieved them from her grasp to carry them into the house. the townhouse was small, but homey. a rich aroma floated through it; a mixture of roasting turkey and christmas candles. landon was immediately drawn to all the pictures that appeared to be placed everywhere; the fireplace mantle, coffee tables, and the walls. he lingered at each one and spent more time studying the ones of kayla. it seemed as if

her face had never aged. the same blue eyes from when she was a toddler still radiated from her as woman. only her hair was slightly darker now than the white blond wisps that curled around her chubby cheeks. his favorite had to have been the one of her seated on a hot wheels in her baby blue ruffled easter dress, cowboy hat, purple leg warmers and dusty brown cowboy boots. he teased her about all the awkward adolescent years with the braces, big glasses and frizzy hair. he whistled sardonically. “tough years, huh?” she responded by slapping him on the side of the arm indignantly. “well, let’s go dig out your ugly years and then see who’s laughing!” he wrapped his arm around her waist pulling her in so he could kiss her on the side of her forehead. “do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” he whispered. kayla groaned inwardly. will he ever cease to send chills through me? she mumbled “thanks,” and then excused herself to help her mom in the kitchen while inviting tiffany to join her. matt and landon chatted in the living while the three women prepared for dinner. after about ten minutes the doorbell rang. “bryan!” shouted kayla. everyone rushed to the door to greet him. dana always did a double-take when she looked at her handsome oldest son. he looked so much like richard. she wondered how her exhusband was spending christmas. “kay’ kay’!” bryan exclaimed while picking her up in a hug. “how’s the doctor life been treatin’ ya?” kayla shrugged. she never spoke about her work. “it’s fine, but busy!” bryan introduced himself to landon and tiffany and the men launched into the subject of hockey and how landon’s season was going after his recovery. this cued the women to return to the kitchen to finish the preparations. when dinner was finally on the table, dana offered grace. “thank you dear lord, for the rich blessings you have bestowed upon all of us here. thank you so much for our guests, landon and tiffany; i pray you enrich their lives with your grace. thank you for this food and bless it to our bodies. most of all lord, we thank you with unceasing gratitude for sending us your son, jesus. in his name we pray, amen.” landon enjoyed listening to stories about kayla growing up with her brothers and matt relinquished how he and tiffany started dating. “landon, do you have any favorite memories of christmas?” dana suddenly threw the topic of conversation in his direction. kayla’s gaze fixated onto his; reassuring him that he didn’t have to answer. she knew his holiday’s had only consisted of anna usually taking him on skiing trips to colorado, but after her death, december twenty-fifth wasn’t typically a day he found worthy of celebrating.

“um…yeah…” he scratched the back of his neck uncomfortably and then chuckled cynically. “my senior year in high school, i maxed out my credit card with a brand new entertainment system and sent my dad a thank you card for such a nice present. he canceled all my accounts after that.” kayla grimaced when she noticed dana’s jaw had dropped onto the table. bryan salvaged the silence. “sounds like a helluva christmas to me!” he raised his glass of chardonnay and chugged it. landon looked in kayla’s direction and found she was biting her lip to keep from laughing, but failed in holding back a snort which in turn, elicited everyone to start chuckling almost maniacally until even dana had tears in her eyes from laughing so hard. once all had their fill, kayla insisted on showing tiffany photos of matt to tease him as they strolled into the living room and she began getting out stacks of albums. “c’mon kay’!” protested matt, “i finally convinced her i was good guy, don’t go spoiling all of my hard work!” landon turned around and saw dana clearing a few dishes and he volunteered to help. she protested and told him to enjoy himself, but landon insisted. his ulterior motives told him that the best place to get information about kayla was from her mother. “thanks so much ms. moore. i don’t remember when the last time was that i actually had fun on christmas,” stated landon. “oh, please call me dana! and you are so welcome!” she then cast a sympathetic look his way. “you know, i have to apologize. i failed to remember that kayla told me you didn’t have the best childhood. i’m so sorry.” landon shrugged. “eh, it wasn’t that bad, my mom did everything she could to make me happy up until she died,” he noted sadly. dana registered the pained expression he was trying to deny. “landon, i know that you and kayla just have a good friendship right now, but i have to thank you. i haven’t seen her eyes dance like they do around you since michael passed away.” landon was about to diminish her compliment, but froze as his heart plummeted. “who’s michael?” his voice croaked just above a whisper. dana grimaced as if she had just let the cat out of the bag and sighed deeply. “oh, i thought she would’ve told you by now,” she whispered to herself and then paused. “but i guess i shouldn’t be surprised. she refuses to even speak about him to me.” unsure he wanted to hear about his michael guy, landon caved. “was he…a boyfriend, or something?” he asked cautiously knowing he’d only regret hearing the truth. dana set some plates down in the sink and peered over to see that kayla was happily engaged in photo albums. she cast a warning gaze at landon. “you have to promise not to

tell her that i told you!” and then she explained once he crossed his heart in secrecy. “michael was kayla’s fiancé. i suppose you could say he was the love of her life.” she chortled painfully. “she even had all of their children’s names picked out…middle names too…” the words trailed off wistfully. “what happened?” asked landon dying with morbid curiosity. dana looked at him perplexed. “you know, landon. i never thought about this, but it’s actually so uncanny, it’s frightening about how similar your accident was to his. it was around the same time of year and only two weeks before their wedding. the difference was kayla was in the car. i suppose it was like any other night. the roads were fine; no ice or snow. they were driving back from visiting his parents down in northfield and kayla was driving. she swerved to avoid hitting a deer and over compensated the wheel flipping the car. luckily, she’d been wearing her seatbelt, but michael…” she suddenly choked. tears started to form in her eyes. “i’m sorry…it still feels like i lost one my own.” she rapidly blinked back her tears. “when they found kayla, she was clutching michael’s lifeless body. he died on impact when he was thrown from the car. they told me they had to pry her from his body while she screamed hysterically.” dana wiped a stray tear that escaped down her cheek and took a deep breath. she placed a hand on her chest over her heart. “i was so thankful i didn’t have to see that, but what i did have to see was kayla in a near comatose state. it was like she was alive physically, but inside she was dead. they kept her in the hospital for two days because she had suffered so badly from shock. to this day, i don’t know if she ever really forgave herself.” landon glanced over at kayla laughing and conversing with tiffany and her brothers trying to imagine how terrified he’d be if he couldn’t see any life in her eyes. he adored those eyes…beyond words. dana shook her head trying to regain her composure. “i felt like i had finally gotten my kayla back after she recovered from her eating disorder and i was terrified she would never be the same again…but…god is good,” she whispered staring off into space. “well, i finally convinced her to see a therapist and she got better. still went on to medical school as planned, but never spoke of michael after that day. it was like she locked up his memory deep inside and threw away the key.” dana turned to look at landon and smiled. “i think saving your life when she couldn’t save michael’s somehow brought a little peace back into her heart.” landon stared down at the floor trying to process what he’d just heard. that night at the party when she dashed out after retorting to veronica she was still a virgin. she was saving herself for her wedding night. landon reminded himself. his heart began to hurt; a dull penetrating ache. he was fully unworthy for ever wanting to be the first one she gave herself to and understood completely now what kayla meant when she mentioned the story from the bible about jesus telling the pharisees that to lust after a woman is the same as actually sleeping with her.

god, no wonder veronica’s poisonous words reduced kayla to tears. “that was what she didn’t want to tell me,” he spoke softly to himself. he covered his brow with his hand in shame. what would dana would think if she knew how many times he’d made love to her only daughter in his fantasies? “but like i said,” continued dana interrupting landon’s thoughts. “you came along…made her laugh again.” landon forced a smile and laughed cynically. “i’m afraid your daughter deserves much better than me,” he stated wryly. dana grinned at his sweet words and began to respond but, their conversation was interrupted when matt yelled out, “hey landon, get in here, it’s payback time!” dana shooed him away to go enjoy himself and he reluctantly complied. he laughed ruthlessly at the numerous and embarrassing pictures of kayla when she was young, but especially enjoyed all of her running pictures. she looked absolutely gorgeous with every tiny muscle from her body tensed and her eyes focused. landon found himself losing track of time and things seemed to move in slow motion as he got lost in kayla’s beautiful smile, the joy in her eyes and sweetness of her laughter. would she ever love me the way she loved michael? he couldn’t help but wonder forlornly. kayla closed one of the books snapping landon out of his reverie and jumped up. “all right, enough. you guys are more than welcome to continue teasing me behind my back, but i’m gonna go help mom clean up like a good daughter.” she pranced off the kitchen and landon helped himself to one of the albums and began leafing through the pages. he chuckled when he found a picture of her with a rat. he asked matt and bryan about it. matt rolled his eyes and relayed the story of kayla’s pet rat, winston, whom she took with her every place she went; scaring the begeezes out of people. bryan chimed in. “she found it her mission in life to educate others on the joy of owning one as a pet.” “she calls them low maintenance puppies,” matt snorted. “low maintenance my ass, she let it run around the house which always freaked my mother out and the damn rodent ate through the wiring in my nintendo. i spent an entire summer mowing lawns to buy that!” kayla was nuts over her stupid dog. landon could only imagine how she behaved with a rat. “what happened when the rat died?” he was almost too afraid to ask. matt rolled his eyes and chuckled. “oh geez…it got this huge tumor and couldn’t even walk around. in fact it got so big, he’d just lop over onto it with his little legs flailing in the air. kayla was so heartbroken that she all she did was lay next to him and sob for hours. and when my mom finally insisted that she put it to sleep, the vet felt bad because kay was so hysterical with grief over the stupid rat that they gave her a discount and sent her a sympathy card.”

“let me guess,” landon interrupted trying hard not to keel over from laughing so hard. “the little burial site is in the backyard?” matt laughed. “yeah, but the worst part was, the ground was frozen and we couldn’t bury it so my mom stuck it in the freezer for months until spring and then kayla made us all attend the memorial service.” bryan snickered. “the best part was…one night when it was my turn to make dinner, i made hamburger helper and told kay that winston had supplied the meat…she still won’t touch the stuff to this day.” kayla heard them cracking up into laughter from her spot in the kitchen. “hey!” she shouted. “what are you laughing at!?” “winston!” bryan yelled back. “whinnie!?” kayla screeched in a high-pitched voice laced with a mournful tone. landon busted up all over again. when kayla and her mother emerged about fifteen minutes later, they announced it was time for presents. after opening up goodies from her mom and brothers, landon slipped out a box from the pocket of his jacket and handed it to kayla. she looked up at him in surprised and curious awe. “what did you do?” she asked him not able to hide the irresistible smile tugging at the corners of her lips. he grinned from ear to ear. “just open it. it’s nothing. honestly.” kayla widened her eyes and giggled nervously. it was a jewelry case and she opened it up to find a tiny gold necklace with a unique charm on it; the symbol of the trinity. she gasped. “landon, how did you know!?” landon smiled, relieved at her excitement. “um, this little birdie flew by and whispered in my ear,” he said winking in dana’s direction. “c’mere,” he beckoned to her. she slid over to where he was seated and he took the necklace intending to place it around her neck for her; allowing the pads of his fingers to brush across her bare skin. shivering with goose bumps, she turned around to face him once it was in place. “what do you think?” without looking at the necklace, but gazing into her eyes, he responded. “stunning.” she blushed and cocked her eyebrows. “i meant the necklace,” she hissed quietly. he grinned; glad she caught on to his compliment. “oh that? that’s nice too.” he bent over and gave her a peck on the cheek. “thank you,” she replied in a passionate tone. “oh! i have something for you!” and kayla

dashed to her bag of presents and fished around until she found landon’s. he opened it excitedly and pulled out a bible with his name engraved on the bottom. kayla bit her lip in uncertainty. “um, if you don’t want to read it, you can always use it as a door jam, or a coaster, or…something.” landon smiled as sincerity washed over his face and caught her gaze with his. “thank you,” he said earnestly and added, “this means a lot.” she breathed a sigh of relief and finished handing out her presents to the rest of her family and had managed to find a small gift for tiffany. landon thumbed through his study bible filled with commentaries and cross references while people finished opening their presents. i’ve never cracked open a bible in my entire life, he noted to himself as he turned it over in his hands with inquisitiveness. ---------after dessert, hot chocolate and more conversation, landon and kayla bid goodnight. he gave dana a kiss on the cheek, thanked her for the evening and again for helping him with kayla’s present. he accompanied kayla to the door when they arrived back at her house and expressed his gratitude once more. she returned the thanks while fingering her necklace. “oh,” she said before entering through the front door. “a word of caution if you start reading your bible; begin with the new testament. the old testament is a little tough to swallow for um…rookies.” she laughed realizing what a poor choice of word “rookie” was. “i meant…” she attempted to correct herself. landon chuckled. “it’s okay. thanks for the advice.” he leaned down to give her his customary kiss on the cheek, but his lips lingered a bit longer than usual as he caught the scent of her perfume. it was her scent and he loved knowing for the rest of his life whenever he smelled that perfume, he would long for kayla regardless of the fate that awaited the future of their relationship.

as landon drove home from kayla’s his cell phone rang. he examined the caller id and a smile graced his lips while he answered it. “you know, little one, if you don’t get to bed soon, santa’s not going to come.” kayla grinned on the other end of the line and laughed softly. “well, speaking of santa claus, i forgot to ask if you have any plans tomorrow.” “um…i was thinking of going up to duluth to visit my cousins.” “oh.”

“why? don’t you work tomorrow?” “yeah, but i’m in pediatrics this month and was thinking a few of the kids in the hospital might need some cheering up from a local superstar.” “who’s that?” kayla snickered. “he’s this really good looking hockey player i know,” she stated coyly. “but i don’t know any good looking hockey players. none of them have any teeth.” “landon.” kayla giggled. “i’d love to come hang out, but only under one circumstance.” “what’s that?” “if you hook me up with a cute nurse over there.” “you’re terrible.” “fine. know any cute little e.r. docs available?” “maybe, it depends.” “on what?” “are you going to buy her lunch?” “i could probably swing that.” ---------“hi guys!” kayla exclaimed as she waltzed out of the e.r. late morning on christmas day to greet her mom and brothers. she gave them a round of hugs. “oh honey, why do you have to work on christmas?” pouted dana. “mother…” kayla warned. dana had been putting up a fuss ever since she found out months ago. “well, fine. we brought you some goodies.” kayla’s mom held out a grocery sack of cookies, various dessert bars and popcorn. “thanks!” kayla did her best to look appreciative, but at the rate the treats were piling up in the lounge, they could start stringing them up like christmas lights. kayla turned towards her brothers and matt’s girlfriend. “what are you going to do?” they all shrugged. “we might go to a movie,” matt offered, but he noticed his sister’s attention had suddenly turned elsewhere. at first kayla didn’t notice landon behind all the presents he was carrying through the

sliding glass doors, but he tripped and sent all of them toppling onto the floor. she burst out laughing and dashed over to help him as her family followed suit. his face lit up when he saw her. “did you hijack santa’s sleigh?” kayla giggled helping him stack the various wrapped boxes. “yeah, but it wasn’t easy. rudolph bit me in the ass.” kayla shook her head as another round of giggles emerged. landon continued. “um…actually all these presents are donated from the team and i volunteered to deliver them.” “which one is from you?” she asked. “oh…i still have the bottles of liquor sitting in my backseat. that’s what i call getting into the holiday spirit…or rather… spirits!” he snorted at his own pun. kayla rolled her eyes as they finished stacking the gifts. landon rose to his feet and greeted her family. dana asked kayla if she wanted them to stop by for lunch in a couple hours. “um…i was gonna treat kayla to lunch and you guys are more than welcome to join!” landon piped in. dana smiled deviously at kayla. “oh, no…that’s fine. we were just gonna have a nicer dinner tonight when kay gets off call. are you going to come, landon?” she turned her attention to him. landon eyed kayla apprehensively. “yeah, please. i’d…we’d…love to have you over again,” kayla replied. landon scratched the back of his neck in his typical embarrassed fashion. “um…if i’m not intruding on family tradition or anything…” dana scoffed playfully. “please, landon. besides, it’ll break my heart if you don’t come.” “well… i can’t be responsible for the untimely death of such a beautiful woman, can i?” dana snickered as kayla pinched landon in the stomach for his blatant flattery. she then hugged her mom and brothers good-bye and said she’d see them later when she got off. turning to smile at landon, she winked, “c’mon…let’s put you to work.” ---------kayla peeked in the open door of the children’s playroom trying to appear inconspicuous.

she bit her lip to hold back a giggle relieved that no one had noticed her yet. it was in all probability the most adorable sight ever beheld before her eyes. with a santa hat perched on his mass of brown waves, landon sat in the middle of the floor crosslegged with three other children surrounding him as they examined the candy land game board in the middle. perhaps a little larger than the other three, but he fit right in. she recognized two of the children. they had made their way through the emergency room earlier that week and were now stabilized, but stuck in the hospital over christmas. emma, who was three, sat across from landon with five-year old mason and his seven year old brother, brock on either side. straining her ears, kayla listened in on their conversation. “brock, are all the cards ready?” landon asked. the young white haired boy nodded. “okay, who wants to go first?” “you!” clapped emma as the jingle bells in her ponytail bounced up and down. “okay…” landon rubbed his hands together delightfully and drew a card. kayla examined the crushed looks wash over the children’s faces when they realized landon had drawn the highest card and watched in disappointment as he gleefully moved his gingerbread man near the end of the trail. emma frowned and tapped her chin with her little chubby finger. “i think we should start over,” her enormous hazel eyes bored into landon’s with the utmost sincerity. “oh…we should, huh?” he replied without cracking a smile. “yeah,” emma sighed. “here…lemme see that.” she grabbed the coveted card landon had drawn and replaced it back on top of the pile. “okay,” she stated loudly folding her hands in her lap and sitting up straight as if she were conducting an important meeting. lowering her voice, she leaned in towards landon and nodded slightly. “i think that this time….i should go first.” kayla burst out laughing and the four players immediately turned to uncover the identity of the intruder. landon’s face broke out into a smile and he caved into the hilarity of the situation as well. “hey, little one…you just gonna stand there or join in?” he then grinned at emma. “we happened to have just started a new game.” kayla shook her head as she sauntered over and hunched down to greet the children. “i have to get back to work, but thought i’d check in to see if this guy…” she playfully nudged landon, “…was behaving himself.” “yeah, he’s cool. but he stinks at playing uno!” chirped brock.

“what can i say? i can’t speak a lick of spanish,” clucked landon as he feigned seriousness. kayla chuckled, rose to her feet and glanced at the children. “make sure he doesn’t eat too much candy, okay?” the three kids giggled and nodded enthusiastically. “aw…get outta here,” landon pretended to shoo kayla away. kayla tugged on his santa hat. “all right, but i’ll see you later tonight.” he winked at her and turned his attention back to the game as she walked out the door. ---------“so tell me somthin’, little one…” kayla set down a cup for him to dry as they cleaned up the dishes after dinner back at dana’s home. “what d’ya wanna know?” “i started reading a little bit of your present last night—” “you mean it’s not getting its proper use as a coaster?” she winked slyly at him as she rinsed off a knife under the faucet. “har har…i actually was curious as to what your favorite book in it was.” he leaned back and watched her eyes light up as she rattled off some of her favorite’s and explained why each one was so. god, she was cute. in fact, he might get knocked out if he didn’t move out of the way from her passionate gesticulations or worse…he glanced at the knife she forgot to set down after rinsing. “hey, mikey, wanna hand that over before you do some serious damage?” she rolled her eyes and passed it to him to dry. “my favorite book though is the naughtiest book in the bible.” “naughty, huh?” he loved it when that word rolled off her lips and wondered if she knew how much it turned him on. “a word i never would’ve dreamed of being mentioned in the same sentence as ‘bible.’” she snickered. “oh…it’s not naughty. it’s just passionate poetry about the love between a man and a woman. really quite beautiful.” “what’s it called?” “song of songs.” “hmm…old testament?” he mused while drying the remaining silverware. “yup.” “so when do i officially graduate to the old testament,” he teased.

“once you’ve memorized john three sixteen,” she remarked with a twinkle in her eye. he grinned back. “all right. deal.” when they finished with the dishes, landon and kayla joined her family in the living room to watch ‘it’s a wonderful life.’ halfway through the movie landon peered over at kayla curled up in a ball next to him with her head resting in her arms on the end of the sofa. he was utterly perplexed at how she managed to fit into such a small space. his gaze lingered over her soft angelic features, her slightly open mouth and listened to her snore lightly. she seemed so content and complete and landon tried to remember if he’d ever felt like that. if kayla was mine, if we lived happily ever after… would everything in my life finally feel complete? his heart sank when he eventually realized the answer: no.

landon was excited she agreed to spend new year’s with him and though he hoped it would be a good excuse to lay a big, wet, juicy kiss on her, he began realizing it was better not to open up the gates of physical passion despite the fact it lingered around the two of them constantly like a hovering cloud, but if she could ignore it, so could he. not that it mattered much tonight. he would be spending another holiday with the woman of his dreams; that was better than getting a kiss from some girl he usually met at the party every year after he had downed about four or five glasses of champagne and adjusted his beer goggles. landon relished in playing home games on new year’s eve. the atmosphere was always more invigorating. the energy he received from the fans, the best hockey fans in america, always gave him an adrenaline rush, but tonight in particular he was more ecstatic than usual because she’d be watching…and he’d be lying to himself if he said he didn’t like showing off on the ice when he knew kayla’s eyes would be on him. -------some of the player’s families had rented out an executive suite at the excel centre and invited kayla to join them. she felt silly for agonizing about what she should wear. the advantage of living in minnesota was that covering up every inch of your bare skin wasn’t considered being prude; it was necessary given the below freezing wind chill outside. she’d picked out a light blue, long sleeved, see-through blouse with rhinestones on it and matching tank top underneath. she paired it with tight fitting black pants that flared at the bottom and accentuated her curvy hips that she often referred to as her “ghetto booty.” landon’s obscene response to her vanity was that a bigger butt just meant

“more cushion for the pushin.’” she slipped more than once trying to walk in her black heels on the icy sidewalks, but kayla preferred being tall to being comfortable. veronica dalen was in the room that night and kayla groaned quietly to herself when their eyes met. she found some other more friendly faces of the player’s wives and girlfriends and proceeded to chat with them. when minnesota scored the first goal, the light show flashed on the ice as the audience roared and the huge foghorn inside the arena blared and blew smoke. kayla looked down on the ice and beamed. “ssscore for minnesota, unassisted goal by nuuumber twelve…lan-don…..stern!” the over-exuberant announcer blared from the loudspeaker as the fans burst into another round of deafening cheers. what is it about watching a man play a sport that’s so sexy? “oh, hurray for landon!” kayla recognized the mocking voice directly behind her and reluctantly had to turn her eyes away from the ice. she did her best to give veronica a gracious smile. veronica wanted to see kayla squirm again. she hated her cute innocence. “so, landon must be pretty fond of you to have kept you around so long,” she gushed obscenely. kayla took a deep breath aware that veronica wanted to get a rise out her and hopefully see her run off in tears again. she squared her jaw and looked the woman in the eye. “veronica, i’m more than willing to have a civilized conversation with you and get to know you better, but not if you insist on insulting landon or myself.” kayla smiled inwardly seeing this was not the reaction veronica had expected. in fact, ms. dalen was dumbfounded and at a loss for words. it made her almost hate kayla even more. she opened her mouth trying to think of something spiteful to say, but realized kayla had seen right through her. she was just plain jealous. landon had always been uninterested in her and veronica couldn’t stand it, but kayla’s tone was sincere and so she changed her mind about the rude comment she was about to make. for the first time that veronica could remember in awhile, she found herself apologizing. kayla breathed a sigh of relief and reassured her that there were no hard feelings. she checked out veronica’s form fitting white pant suit and how beautifully it clung to her figure. “gosh, i wish i had your body to wear something like that!” veronica appeared uneasy with the compliment; especially from someone she had considered her enemy a few seconds ago. “oh,” she laughed softly, not sure how to respond. “um, thanks” she mumbled. “but you’re so cute and little, i mean they always say guys only marry the cute girls.”

thrilled she had broken through veronica’s icy exterior, kayla rolled her eyes and waved her hand as if it were nonsense. “nah…” she replied. “i’m sure you’ve received tons of marriage proposals!” “yeah, followed soon by divorce papers,” veronica remarked in a wry voice. “i’m sorry,” kayla said in a small voice. “oh, it wasn’t a big loss,” shrugged veronica nonchalantly. “um, so what do you do for a living?” asked kayla. “i’ve done some local modeling on the side, but my day job is as an accountant.” “oh,” replied kayla. veronica continued. “yeah, that’s why i’m here. i do taxes for half of the players,” and then added in a quieter tone “…among other things.” kayla smiled ignoring the trail end of her comment. “mmm, it can’t be so bad handling the money of cute hockey players,” she joked. veronica laughed. it was hard to believe how much kayla made her feel at ease. in fact, she never felt at ease around any woman, let alone one she considered competition. her curiosity got the better of her. “okay, so what’s with you and landon anyway?” kayla shrugged her shoulders and a small smile escaped from her lips. “honestly, we’re just... friends.” veronica cocked her head to the side. “c’mon, landon stern doesn’t keep girls around just as friends. in fact, he doesn’t keep girls around period. what’s your secret?” kayla sighed. “i don’t know. it’s kinda complicated i guess. i don’t know if we’re right for each other, but we just really enjoy...being together. he makes me laugh...and....”she bit her lower lip deciding not to gush. veronica continued to eye her suspiciously, but in a teasing way. “you know half the ladies in this room are dying to land him,” and then smirked as she added, “no pun intended.” kayla giggled. “well, they can have him. he’s not taken!” veronica shook her head. “oh, he’s taken…” kayla blushed and turned her eyes back to the game. “want something to drink?” offered veronica. “oh, um, got any champagne?” kayla’s eyes lit up. veronica winked at her. “it is new year’s eve.”

kayla returned the smile and went back to watching landon. she could’ve cared less what the score was, her eyes never strayed from his gorgeous figure. ---------“hey, beautiful, did you like the game?” asked landon planting one on kayla’s cheek. his hair was still damp from his shower and the familiar scent of his cologne was arousing. kayla cocked her head and flirtatiously replied in mock innocence, “what game?” he flashed a grin at her. “do you wanna follow me to todd’s place?” she nodded and they pulled their cars around to meet each other before taking off. todd lived on beautiful home overlooking lake minnetonka and had hired a dj, bartender and valet. kayla had never been to such a fancy party before. her new year's always consisted of staying home, watching dick clark count down the ball drop and then running outside into the snow to bang pots and pans. a flash of sadness surged through her as she remembered the last time she had spent new year’s with a man. landon met her outside her car and held onto her while they walked so she would stop slipping around. “got the stilts on tonight?” he teased her. “landon,” she scoffed sarcastically. “i was anatomically born with barbie feet. you know that.” “good thing too,” he smirked at her. “otherwise i’d never be able to see you!” she sneered at him playfully and moved to slug him, but slipped and nearly pulled landon down with her. he rolled his eyes and laughed. “c’mere, little one,” and he scooped her up into his arms and continued to carry her the remaining distance up the driveway. she giggled at his spontaneity almost wishing he could carry her around everywhere. kayla nuzzled his cheek with her nose to warm it up. “landon, are you going to drink tonight?” she asked cautiously, not wanting to sound like a mother. “who me? drink? honestly, kayla,” he kidded with her. “landon.” “i got you to keep me entertained. just don’t let any other guys bribe you into giving them lap dances.” kayla ignored his humorous cover-up and turned his face to look at her serious and reprimanding expression. “landon, you’re not always going to have me around when you’re in situations like this.”

he sighed deeply. she was right. “i’ll just have to work on it,” he compromised. but i do wish i could have you around me every time. “maybe i could pay you to be at my beck and call.” kayla simply smirked at him trying not to indulge in the fantasies his words brought to mind. landon deposited her on the door step as todd greeted them. apparently, he had gotten a head start on his inebriation as he planted a kiss on kayla’s lips to welcome her. this took both her and landon by surprise, but she pretended to act like it was no big deal. landon kept his temper in check by placing the blame on the alcohol, but he still couldn’t help himself by “accidentally” shoving todd into the door with his hip. “oh, sorry buddy. you should really fix this door frame…ahem…it’s kinda narrow.” he patted todd on the shoulder gruffly hoping he left a bruise. they took off their coats and mingled as landon kept a possessive hand laid on her at all times. not that she minded. veronica waltzed over and gave kayla a hug. they both laughed at the shocked expression in landon’s eyes. he shook his head implying that he was pleased, but didn’t want to know the story behind their newfound friendship. when veronica left to greet some more people, landon grabbed kayla by the waist and pulled her in so he could whisper in her ear. “what. was. that?” he stated emphatically. kayla playfully raised her eyebrows like she was hiding some secret. “she’s not so bad once you get to know her!” “yes she is!” protested landon. she bowed her head, but kept her eyes focused on his, ready to scold him. “landon, everybody you meet is always dealing with some sort of hardship in their life. we’re just all so good at pretending that we have our shit together.” “how come when you cuss it sounds so adorable?” he toyed with her to change the subject and poked her lips with his finger. “don’t make excuses for a naughty habit,” kayla replied dryly as she shooed his hand away. “i got to know veronica a little up in the suite during the game. you know, people are usually mean to you for a reason. once you find out what that reason is, then you can move on from there.” he shook his head in awe. kayla furrowed her eyebrows. “what?” she demanded. “you never cease to amaze me,” he whispered.

kayla shrugged. “it’s not me…if it were me i’d continue despising her, but god loves her just as much as anyone, so why shouldn’t i? or you!” landon cocked his eyebrows. “love?” kayla rolled her eyes. “not like ooh, i’m in love with you love,” she replied in a sarcastic voice and then remarked seriously, “but genuine love. the kind where you care about what happens to that person in the same way you care about what happens to yourself.” landon took in her features and brushed the back of his hand against her cheek causing her to look down in embarrassment. “wanna dance?” she was about to reply when a couple of landon’s teammates with their spouses broke up their moment and introduced themselves. “oh, it’s always so nice to meet one of landon’s girls!” cooed a wife that kayla hadn’t met yet. kayla smiled graciously, but landon didn’t bother to hide the disgust and confusion on his face. when the woman who made the comment turned her attention from him, he took the opportunity to roll his eyes at kayla, point two fingers to his temple like a shotgun and blow the trigger with his thumb. she broke out into giggles as the two ladies took her aside. another woman kayla recognized, took her hand and re-introduced herself. “i’m carly, do you remember meeting at the season opener? i’m matt johnson’s wife, aka ‘cubbie’. are you that doctor who rescued him from his car accident?” kayla nodded and scrunched her nose. “um, i just happened to be in the right place at the right time.” “what kind of doctor are you?” she asked. “i’m actually in my first year of residency at hennepin in emergency medicine.” “oh how exciting! you know i’ve never missed an episode of e.r.!” kayla released a small fake laugh at the woman’s daft reply. “yes, well, it’s a little different in real life,” she corrected her. carly just waved her hand as if to say: “whatever.” the other woman, who introduced herself as pamela, led her over to bar and get a drink; actually it was more like dragged. they immediately started to gush over kayla and landon. “so what’s really going on between you two?” kayla feigned ignorance. “nothing, we’re just friends,”

they scoffed and rolled their eyes. “what’s he like?” asked pamela with a seductive look in her eyes. kayla continued to play innocent. “um, what do you mean?” “c’mon kayla, every woman here, married or not, is dying to know what he’s like in bed. you know…how big is it?” kayla did not need a mental image of landon’s endowment size tempting her. they didn’t know him the way she did. “i wouldn’t know, honestly,” she reassured him. “we’re just friends.” carly shook her head and laughed. “man, you’re no fun! matt and i have set him up on at least five blind dates. one of them said he was okay, but boring. the other girls he never even called back for a second date.” pamela jumped in. “yeah…and then that whole thing with veronica. i mean…we all thought they were purrrfect for each other. but she said he was terrible. i dunno though… if you ask me i think he dumped her and she just couldn’t get over it so she spread all those nasty rumors and sold them to the tabloids.” carly shoved a shot glass in kayla’s hand. “oh, no thanks,” she replied. “c’mon, just one shot…with the ladies. it’s called a blowjob,” pamela slurred in a low voice. kayla assumed pamela had already ingested several blowjobs that night. she gave into the temptation and figured one shot wouldn’t hurt. it burned her throat as it went down. “ugh,” she said to herself shaking her head. “are you ladies trying to corrupt my beautiful escort tonight?” kayla immediately sighed with relief, but felt goose bumps as landon slipped his arms around her waist from behind. carly and pamela cackled. “of course not landon, we’re just showing her a good time!” “mmm, care if i take over?” he asked pulling kayla away from them. “thanks,” she whispered as he led her away from them. “can i get that dance i requested earlier?” he smiled down at her. “i suppose,” she pretended as if it were an obligation. kayla found the vodka going straight to her head as landon playfully spun her around. he obnoxiously pretended to grind her with his gyrating hips. he was a disgustingly sexy dancer.

“landon…stop….” she could barely breathe from laughing so hard once he started singing along with prince’s ‘pussy control’. he relented and led her over to grab some food. as a slower song came on, he coaxed her back out to dance again. she rested her head and forearms on his broad chest he felt all snuggly and kayla wiggled her figure around wishing she could just drape his body over her like a big fleece blanket. landon felt a tap on his shoulder. “mind if i cut in?” kayla lifted her head from its comfortable position on landon’s body to find todd leering at her. she looked up at landon. he was sharpening his claws. not wanting to cause a scene, she piped up. “sure, it’s all right with you landon. isn’t it?” it was more of a statement than a question. landon sucked in a deep breath. todd flashed an arrogant puffed up grin at him and stole kayla away. she scrunched her nose as todd breathed on her; it reeked with alcohol. it was different from landon’s breath when he drank. landon’s breath permeated her like a deep and gentle massage and he was a weepy, sentimental drunk. todd’s breath on her skin prickled like nails on a chalkboard and from the grip he had on her she knew he most likely fell into the category of a mean, vindictive drunk. neither did she like the way he insisted on rubbing against her in an effort to communicate his obvious lust. kayla did her best to keep a friendly distance without appearing too obvious. “you know i’ve been wanting to steal you all night…” his eyes roamed her body up and down. kayla laughed nervously. “um, great game tonight!” she attempted small talk. “yeah, you were probably watching landon the whole time, weren’t ya?” his voice was almost bitter and dripped with jealousy. “nah…” breathed kayla uneasily. “you know, if it’s all right, i’d like to take you out to dinner sometime.” on the spot rejections was not her forte. “ah, yeah, sure.” todd was apparently rather pleased with her response, too drunk to notice the apprehension written on her face. his gaze made her feel like maggots were crawling up her back. landon’s stare bored a hole in the back of todd’s head. he wanted to stomp over and rip kayla from his arms like a spoiled two year old and say “mine!” he shifted uneasily as todd continued to pull kayla closer and he could see that kayla was noticeably

uncomfortable. he caught her gaze; his eyes displaying the annoyance and frustration at watching them together and her eyes pleaded for him to rescue her. he’d had enough. “landon, you wanna dance? you look kind of lonely.” a girl he didn’t recognize caressed her finger up and down his arm. “no,” he replied vaguely without glancing at her and walked over trying to calm himself down. at least he could tell kayla wasn’t the least bit interested in todd and that brought him some relief. “sorry, todd. time’s up. peace out, bro,” he glared at him. todd didn’t release his grip right away on kayla and sneered at landon haughtily. “and you said she wouldn’t go out on a date with me,” he boasted. confused by his comment, landon chose to ignore it for the moment as he snatched kayla’s hand out from todd’s and into his own. once landon had her back safely, she melted into him. “what was that about?” he asked curiously. “ugh, he asked me out on a date and i didn’t know how to say no, so i just said sure. he creeps me out, but i also know he’s drunk so i had to give him a break.” landon shook his head. “he may be my friend, but he’s a lousy date.” he looked into her eyes with intensity. “stay away from him.” kayla let out an exasperated sigh as she rolled her eyes. “landon, he’s harmless, don’t worry about it.” landon pulled her in close. he was scared. todd was not harmless. commotion began a few moments later as everybody prepared to bring in the new year. someone turned on the television to watch the rerun of the ball dropping in time square. servers started shoving glasses of champagne into everyone’s hand as everyone started a round of ‘auld lang syne.’ when it finally dropped. people began kissing those near them. landon kept a firm grip on kayla; his arms wrapped around her from behind pressing the back of her tiny frame into his chest. hell if he was going to share her with anyone. trying to maintain his composure, he turned her around and drew her into him. kayla looked up at him. one kiss? she pleaded in a small voice inside her head. he was too irresistible. she just wanted one indulgence. just one. was that so wrong? but a lingering doubt told her that just one kiss would lead to two… landon’s brow creased in obvious tension as he battled with his urge to respect kayla and his desire to do much more than just kiss. he gazed longing at her wet lips. it would be like taking only one bite of his favorite dessert when he wanted to eat all of it. closing his eyes, he brushed his lips gently on her forehead. “happy new year, little one.” kayla felt the familiar chills shudder throughout her body as she felt his breath on her. she

looked up and kissed him on the cheek. “happy new year, landon.” landon was the first to tear his gaze away. he needed a cold shower. “um…c’mon.” he took her fingers into his and they weaved in and out of people till they came to the sliding glass doors that led out into the backyard. “where are we going?” she asked. “i wanna go skate,” he replied opening the door. “landon! it’s freezing out. do you even have skates?” “yeah…todd has like a million pairs in his warming house. i bet he even has some kid sized one’s that would fit you.” she whacked him in the gut. he closed the door behind them quickly once everyone started yelling for letting the cold air in. “can i run back and get my jacket?” kayla shivered. “nah…everything’s in the warming house. c’mon.” he picked her up in his arms and trudged across the snow. once they had skates and parkas on, landon grabbed two sticks and several pucks. “gonna teach me your secret moves?” she teased him once they glided onto the lake. “pshaw! yeah right!” he skated backwards from her effortlessly guiding the black disk with him. “c’mon. try to steal it from me.” kayla narrowed her eyes. “okay…” it couldn’t be that hard. landon remained as still as a statue right up to the point where she reached her stick out. faster than she though it possible for a human being to react on ice skates, he skirted to the side. annoyed, she tried again to no avail. “c’mon,” he taunted her. “is that the best you can do?” frustrated she began hacking at the ice. it seemed the harder she tried, the easier it was for him to dart this way and that. “fiesty, eh?” he halted a few feet in front of her with the puck between his skates. “here. i’ll make it easy on you.” landon slid his stick across the ice out of reach. “you cocky little...” she protested.

he cackled mercilessly at her. “fine, prove me wrong.” kayla skated up to him and held her stick still. she locked her gaze into his. “you gonna make your move?” he taunted. she remained still for a few more seconds as they stared each other down. in a flash she hacked at the disc, but landon was quicker. he slid the puck behind him with the tip of his blade, turned and juggled it between his skates as he blocked her with his backside. “augh!” she shoved him from behind with her stick in frustration. “you little minx! that’s a penalty!” he whipped around and ripped the stick out of her hands, throwing it on the ice. she screeched in delight and turned in a vain attempt to flee, but grabbed her from behind and scooped her off her feet. kayla wrapped her arms around his neck. “sorry. you forgive me?” “never,” he winked and continued to skate the circumference of the cleared area with her cradled in his arms. “i’d have to put you down and it’s too much fun carrying you around like a little doll.” “a little doll, huh?” “yeah, you’re fun to play with.” “that sounds kinky.” “i’m not the one with the dirty mind here.” she snickered and he finally placed her back on her feet. “hey, lan.” “hmm?” “are you excited to play in the all-star game?” he crinkled his brow and skated over to pick up his stick. “how’d you know?” kayla wished he’d turn around so she could see his expression. “why didn’t you tell me?” “dunno. it’s not a big deal.” “yeah it is!” she glided over to where he was batting the puck up and down with the stick. reaching out she placed a hand on it to keep him from diverting his attention. his gaze shifted from hers. “hey…look at me. why is it not a big deal?” “maybe they picked me ‘cause they feel sorry for me…with the accident and all.” “lan, that’s bull and you know it. will you please be honest with me?”

he finally met her gaze for a moment and then skated backwards to resume his fidgeting with the puck for a few minutes while kayla watched. suddenly winding up, he took a slap shot and she watched the ninety mile an hour puck bounce through the piled up snow. “wanna know what the best memory i have about playing is?” he turned to look at her and leaned against his stick. kayla nodded and skated a bit closer up to him concentrating on the white puffs of air coming from his labored breathing. “it’s strange, but my favorite memories were never of winning or scoring the goal that clinched a championship. stupid huh?” “what do you mean?” “my mom died the day after my last hockey game of the season when i was fifteen. she never missed a game. i knew she was dying inside…i knew, but i was too selfish to ask. cared too much about myself.” he squinted his eyes and blinked rapidly to keep from tearing up and snorted. “she didn’t wanna ruin my season. isn’t that horrible? she waited to kill herself just so i could finish my season.” “landon-” he shook his head. “anyway…i went away that summer and trained to try out for the junior national team. i couldn’t do it, everything was off…so i came home and attempted to get ready for the high school season.” landon sighed deeply. “up to that point my dad had never come to any of my games. not one, but…first game of the season. i looked into the stands out of habit to wave to my mom. she always sat in the same seat.” he shrugged. “and my dad was there.” kayla remained silent as she watched him reposition his stick and glide over to another puck and start shifting it back and forth occasionally hooking it up in the air to bounce it repeatedly with the head of the stick. “i scored seven goals that game. he never came to watch me again.” she released a shaky breath unsure if he wanted her to respond. as quickly as he had relapsed into his memory, he snapped back. “hey, my snot is freezing, let’s go back inside.” “you’re not going to teach me the rules of the game so i know when you’re playing dirty?” “me play dirty!? honestly….” ---------deciding to ditch the party, kayla followed landon over to his house. why she’d tempt herself by being alone with him, she’d didn’t have a clue. he started a fire downstairs while she changed into a pair of his boxers and an old hockey

sweater. when kayla emerged down the stairs, landon found it difficult to disguise the heat in his eyes. there was something incredibly attractive about knowing that her bare skin was touching his own clothing. she blushed at the thoughts running through her mind after surveying him fully still clad in his charcoal grey dress pants that accented his derrière perfectly. his white dress shirt was wrinkled and halfway undone with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. both giggled nervously when they realized they were ogling each other dumbfounded. kayla glanced down at the chess board he had set up in front of the fire place. “um…i didn’t know you were a chess player.” “chess? what’s that? this is my mini hockey rink.” she giggled and moved over to the fireplace and laid down on her stomach; propping her chin on her hands. landon settled down across from her and positioned six pieces on each side of the board, tossing the others aside. “okay…see the queen here? she’s the forward center. the rooks on either side are her left and right wing forwards.” “which one do you play?” “i’m insulted, little one. how many times have you watched me play?” “well, you never stay in the same spot, how am i supposed to know?” he shook his head and chuckled. “lately i’ve been right wing on my line with cubbie at center and romeo on the left, but i played center all through high school and college.” he pointed to the knights behind the rooks and queen. “these guys are the defensemen. they can typically switch off where right and left wingers normally don’t. and then…” he placed the king at the back. “this is the goalie. arguably the most difficult and misunderstood position out of anyone.” “why is that?” “see, people underestimate the goalie. if the goalie ain’t happy ain’t nobody happy. he’s sort of the eccentric, silent leader of the team. his job is the hardest because more than anyone else, the game he usually has to win is the one against himself.” “you’re starting to get freudian on me,” she smirked. “gotta love the goalies man…they’re huge. who else is going to take one for the team by cushioning a hundred mile an hour puck with his nuts?” “ow? so what’s your job on the ice?” “see this guy here?” he pointed to the left defensemen on the other side of the board. “my

job is to score goals, but i have to make sure he doesn’t get open to score any either.” “okay. so what about the other rules? why do you guys get away with so much fighting?” “aw, c’mon, little one. that’s what makes hockey the greatest sport!” kayla rolled her eyes. “puh-lease.” “well, generally we get to fight ‘cause we get pissed off.” “uh huh…roight…” “well, i take that back. there’s three different categories of fighting in hockey.” “oh brother…” “first is what i mentioned before. someone gets under our skin and we need to blow off some steam. i call that a braveheart. like when someone disses your woman and you have to defend her honor.” “geez, how romantic.” “the second is the usually the kind the fans pay for. the circus. this is when the two rowdiest guys on each team decide there’s a lull in the action and they need to get the fans riled up. so they’ll like nod to each other and give silent signals and then go at it.” kayla propped her elbow up on the floor and cradled her head in the palm of her hand enjoying the way the fire flickered and illuminated his dark features. “and the last one?” “the third type is the joust. sometimes there’s just two players who hate each other and don’t know why and go at it at least once during the game. they’ll like… give each other the macho signals and start picking on one another. the winner is the one who can get the other guy to instigate the fight first ‘cause he’s the one who gets the two-minute penalty for roughing. unless you take off your gloves and then it’s either a five minute penalty or if you’re like me…you go all the way and earn expulsion from the game,” he winked at her as she giggled. “isn’t it better to just walk away instead of wasting time and teeth?” she taunted him. “oh, hell no! if a guy punches you and you cower that’s the ultimate wuss sign and you’ll never earn your respect back.” “men will be boys…” “aw, c’mon. chicks think its sexy when a guy fights.” “you’re so full of it,” she laughed. “you think i’m gonna let you get away with talkin’ smack?” this started her contagious giggling and landon prolonged it by shoving the board aside to grab her and tickle her ruthlessly.

“you be nice!” she screamed through her laughter. landon relented and rolled on his back to lie next to her on the floor. he turned his head to the side to look at her. propping himself up on an elbow, he used his free hand to toy with her golden curls that were splayed across the carpet. “what do you wanna do now?” besides you? kayla bit her lip to hold back her smile. why did i even come over here? landon caught her clandestine grin and leaned his face in towards hers. “what?” “nothing. i should just go.” kayla lifted herself into a sitting position. “you can stay the night…i mean, you know…” she reached over and palmed his cheek. “i know. i shouldn’t have come over here. i’m sorry.” “why?” kayla dropped her hand and fidgeted with his jersey she was wearing. “you know why…” she whispered. he sighed deeply and caught her eye wondering what she was thinking...wondering if she was struggling with the same physical attraction he had toward her. “besides, i have to work at seven.” resolved not to let his libido get the best of him, he chuckled. “why do you get stuck with all the crappy shifts?” “i’m in the ed for the next five months and the first-years get the shaft.” “can i go beat someone up for you?” kayla giggled. “i wish.” she rose to her feet. “i guess i’ll go change back into my binding party clothes.” “nah…keep what you have on. really. while you get your stuff, i’ll even go warm up the car for you.” “wow. now that’s just about the most romantic thing a guy has ever done for me.” “are you mocking me?” “no! i’m serious!” he prodded her nose and took off up the stairs. kayla trudged up after him slowly and up the second flight of stairs to his bedroom where her things were. she gathered her clothes, threw her long jacket over her outfit and put on her boots realizing she looked fairly odd in fancy shoes, bare legs and winter jacket, but didn’t have the energy to put her pants back on. looking around his bedroom once more

to make sure she hadn’t left anything, her eyes wandered around to memorize the details and she inhaled the manly aroma of the surroundings. her eyes rested on his bed. she wanted to wake up the next morning in that bed…wrapped in his arms. it made her ache inside knowing it was wrong to harbor such a desire. god why did you bring him into my life if he doesn’t believe!? is this a test? biting back her frustration she turned and left.

she closed her front door upon making it home from landon’s, locked it and then sunk to the floor to bury her face in her palms. clive sauntered up and nuzzled his way under her arms to kiss her on the face. “hi sweet pea,” she mumbled and buried her face in his fur. clive sat back on his haunches and turned his head to the side to study her. “i know what you’re thinking,” she said to him. “and i don’t need a lecture.” clive lay down and rested his head on top of his paws and continued to stare at her. “i mean… if i really, really love him, wouldn’t i leave him alone, not lead him on…or myself for that matter. one of us is bound to get hurt, ya?” he scooted forward on his tummy to rest his head on her lap. kayla scratched behind his ears. “can i help it though? oh…i could spend every minute of the day with him…” clive turned over on his back so she could pet his tummy. “isn’t it pointless though if i can’t see myself marrying him?” clive yawned. “but i could see myself marrying him. you know?” he panted lazily. “i’m just being stupid. these feelings will go away and i’ll realize that he’s all wrong for me. right?” she stopped petting him and glanced down. he was still lying on his back, legs somewhat in the air, eyes closed, tongue lopped out of the side of his mouth. kayla smiled forlornly. “yeah…i thought you’d understand.” ---------landon climbed into bed frustrated. he glanced over at his night stand where his bible lay.

her religion was the key to her heart, but he wasn’t going to fake a belief. she’d be able to see through him. he decided to go against kayla’s advice and started flipping through the old testament. landon remembered her naughty comment about the song of songs and read the commentary. a poem about love? hmm? landon began reading and flushed as he took in the erotic lyrics. he had always seen sex as just a temporary pleasure, nothing beautiful. he tried to suppress a grin, realizing he’d felt like a teenager again looking at playboy magazines he stole from mitch; worried he’d get caught. he noticed a phrase that was occasionally repeated throughout the book: do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. he thought about wanting to respect kayla even when at times it seemed like she didn’t want him to respect her; like tonight…tonight would’ve been so perfect. landon wanted to arouse the love he felt between them and yet he slowly began to understand some of her hesitation. she knew it wasn’t right. not yet. or just not with him? maybe she knew deep down what he did; that he wasn’t good enough for her. landon sighed realizing what he needed to do. he needed to give her space not just for her sake, but his. no more intimate evenings like the one they shared tonight. ---------kayla turned around and viewed herself in the mirror. “i don’t know, amanda. i hate my butt!” “stop it, kayla,” scolded amanda. “you’re going to be the hottest bridesmaid up there and you know it. and brandon’s gonna die when he sees you.” amanda’s wedding was less than three months away. kayla rolled her eyes and stuck out her tongue. she stood on her tiptoes seeing how much she’d have to hem from the bottom of her pink bridesmaid dress. “who’s brandon, again?” she scrunched her nose in confusion. amanda let out an exasperated sigh. “peter’s roommate from college, remember? he lives in chicago.” “i’m not interested, amanda,” she reminded her. it seemed like married people always wanted to play matchmaker with their single friends as if you were only complete once you got married. they were always trying to set her up with a “nice guy,” but kayla was never interested. she knew amanda found her to be a tough nut to crack, but kayla had made a vow that the only way she could ever relieve herself of the memory of michael was to never mention him to anyone who hadn’t known him. maybe she was in denial, but it had gotten her through the past six years or so…that is, until landon came along. “not interested… or interested in someone else?” kayla planted her hands on her hips. “landon and i are only friends.”

“so, heard from your…friend, lately?” taunted amanda trying to appear nonchalant. “mmm, i talked to him last night. he dropped off tickets for the san jose game tomorrow night.” “so how’s he doing?” kayla’s lack of details could drive a mad person sane. “fine.” kayla looked over enjoying the little torture she was putting her friend through. “he’s been on the road, but i feel like he’s been keeping his distance from me on purpose which part of me likes and part of me finds annoying! i miss hearing his lame jokes.” amanda laughed. “you want to just be friends and not tempt either of you, yet you want him to want you.” kayla laughed. “yes, exactly.” amanda rolled her eyes. “no wonder peter says guys can’t win!” “i know. he actually came to church a couple of weeks ago on his own when i was on call and i’ve tried to take it as a sign that he’s actually pursuing a faith on his own terms and not because of me, but i hate how the more he stays away, the more i want him!” --------it was the early minutes of the second period. minnesota was down a goal at home. chicago dumped the puck back into minnesota’s zone and chased after it. todd shoved one of the opponents as they scrambled for it. kicking it free with his skate, he launched it off the boards to andy kalano who was able to carry it across the blue line affording a line change. landon hopped over with the men from his line and immediately barreled into a chicago defenseman with a body check that left the crowd cheering. kayla watched from her usual seat in the stands, thankful for the night off to watch him in person. he hadn’t asked if she wanted to go out afterwards which was disappointing and yet an answer to prayer. since new year’s eve they hadn’t spent any time alone together. in fact, the only reason she was sure he wasn’t completely through with her was the fact he still dropped off tickets for her to home games. but he was distant and that hurt. i’m such a hypocrite, she admonished herself. she spouted saving sex for marriage and yet how many times did she imagine him seducing her? how many times did she anticipate the chance to be alone with him only to avoid his advances? kayla watched him get a break on a pass from cubbie, but before he got far, one of the opponents dove into him head first and slammed him into the boards. she clutched the armrests on her seat when she saw him grab his shoulder and fall to the ice writhing in pain. chicago received a roughing penalty as the trainers assisted a disoriented landon off the ice. the game resumed, but she was heavily disinterested for the next several minutes wrought with worry. “doctor moore?”

kayla whipped her head in surprise to see a pudgy baby-faced man probably in his twenties casually dressed up in a minnesota logo polo shirt wearing an official badge. “are you kayla?” she nodded and stood up to make her way out of the row. “the trainer sent me to come get you.” “is landon okay?” she asked following him out of the arena through several doors, down some stairs and a tunnel eventually leading to the locker room. the man shrugged and opened the door for her. “um…aren’t i…like not allowed in there?” he laughed. “it’s okay, we’re just going to the training room.” “oh.” the training or medical room was part of the nine thousand square foot dressing/locker room of the team. she stopped short at the sight in front of her. landon had several men poking and prodding his bare chest as he sat on the bed table in nothing but his breezers. the rest of his uniform had been scattered haphazardly around the room. “are you kayla?” one of the men, she assumed a trainer, asked in frustration. “yeah,” she replied slowly still unsure about what she was doing in there. one of the trainers, sighed deeply and threw a sweaty towel into a bin. “we popped his shoulder back into place and gave him some tylenol, but said he needed a second opinon from another “doctor” before he got back out onto the ice.” kayla narrowed her eyes in annoyed confusion and walked over to landon. without lifting his head, landon reached for her hips and pulled her flush to the edge of the table between his dangling legs. she placed her hands on his sweaty biceps to steady herself. landon rested his head between her breasts not so much as a man in lust, but more like a little boy seeking comfort in his mother’s bosom. “it hurts so much…so much…” he moaned in a pathetic voice. kayla cleared her throat uncomfortably. “um…do you guys mind if we…i…have a few minutes alone with him?” they raised their eyes suspiciously, but granted her request. once alone, kayla tilted her head to meet him at eye level. “landon…” she whispered smoothing his sweaty brown locks away from his forehead. his eyes were swollen and red-rimmed. “landon, what is this about? why’d you have me come down here?” with his uninjured limb, landon reached up to comb his fingers through her hair and cup

the back of her skull. he pulled her forehead in to meet his and began mumbling softly. “kayla…so pretty…my pretty kayla…” “landon….landon, c’mon,” she forcibly removed his hand from her neck and he clung to her fingers. he brought her hand up to his mouth and nose; smelling it, brushing his lips against it. “you can’t…i guess you can’t make it go away.” slightly annoyed with him and yet worried perhaps he was suffering from a concussion, kayla took the hand he wasn’t clinging to and stroked his damp hair. “landon, what is it? are you feeling dizzy at all?” “kayla…kayla….” “yeah?” “would you miss me?” “what?” “if i was gone... would you miss me?” “of course i would miss you, why?” “no...no…” his pathetic brown eyes bored into hers desperately. “i mean…would you cry? kayla would you cry if i was gone?” would cry for me like you cried for michael? angered and frightened at his ambiguity, kayla swallowed back the lump in her throat and ripped her hand away. “stop it! landon…what are you talking about!?” he hung his head as if it would drop to the floor if not connected to his neck. frustrated, kayla simply smoothed back landon’s hair in a motherly fashion and began to walk away. she couldn't deal with this. he grabbed her wrist. “it still hurts,” he whispered. “the tylenol takes a little while to work, lan,” she replied taking a few steps back towards him. “no,” he removed his hand from her wrist and circled his arm around her torso bringing her back between his legs. somewhere in the distance she heard the sound of the bullhorn to signal the end of the second period. laying his head between her perfect breasts once more, he breathed heavily and kept his arm tightened; not wanting her to leave, but unable to force the words that he wanted to say out of his mouth. he shifted his face to nuzzle her neck and drink in her perfume first with his nose…then with his lips.

kayla trembled. why was he doing this to her? instead of pulling back which would’ve been the right thing to do, she arched her neck to give him better access and unwillingly allowed a soft moan to escape. wishing he had full use of both arms, landon did his best to cage her, using his legs to trap her and scooted forward till his body meshed with hers. he suddenly had an almost animalistic urge to make her his. maybe he was suffering from a concussion. eventually landon’s lips moved to her ear as her hands dug into his thighs. now on autopilot, with each kiss on her flesh intensifying, his mouth began its course to hers. their lips caught each other’s open mouthed and paused for a moment before diving in. the world around them disappeared into one of wetness, hormones, chemical feedback loops, lust and just those general all around “funny feelings,” when the suddenly the glass illusion concealing their actions shattered. “hot damn, freshman! no wonder you went awol!” completely and utterly ashamed, kayla used the intrusion from one of the players to make a mad dash to the exit without a second glance at landon. she slipped past the onrush of staff and players in the hallway on her way out hoping that she blended in amongst the chaos. too tired and confused, and now sexually unsatisfied, landon hung his head and offered no response as players and trainers flooded the room to take care of various injuries, annoyances, looking for tape, finding an icepack, heat pad, shouting and berating each other. “pick up the pace, ladies!” “landon you wuss! you screwed for all stars, or what!? “damn it, where’s lou? i’m slippin’ everywhere!” “not bad fellas’ one more!” “aw c’mon! we’re dead out there!” ---------kayla awoke with a start from the doctor’s lounge where she had fallen asleep. she sauntered out to the main room wondering if any new patients had come in. no. it was still quiet. she hadn’t spoken to landon in nearly two weeks since their heated encounter in the training room. why did he always have to be so cryptic? what did he mean would she miss him? it was as if he was trying to say good-bye, trying to warn her of something. landon hadn’t given her any tickets to the home games for the remaining month of january. she tried to tell herself it was because he wasn’t playing; they were resting his shoulder, but she was kidding herself. he was avoiding her.

annoyed mostly with herself, she knew at least for her sake they needed to talk about what was going on between them, talk about the fact that they were both leading each other on when a relationship together was just not realistic. she was only in the way of him finding true contentment in his life, but how do you stay away from someone you’re in love with? how do you let them go when everything is screaming at you to cling to them regardless of what truly mattered the most? kayla went back to the lounge and dug her cell phone out of her purse. he didn’t answer and she heard the familiar, soothing sound of his deep voice once the mail picked up and all resolution she had made up thirty seconds earlier was now completely forgotten. “landon? um…hey…ugh, i dunno why i’m calling. i’m sorry. i know you’re probably sleeping. i just….maybe i’ll talk to you later. bye.” ---------landon listened to kayla’s message and hit save. “hey lan’!” landon looked over from the locker. fifteen minutes before he needed to be dressed and ready for warm-up before the beginning of the first period on the road against dallas. todd continued once he saw that he got landon’s attention. “i got a valentine’s present for you after the game!” landon rolled his eyes. february fourteenth wasn’t for another week. he could care less about indulging in a stupid hallmark greedy holiday. “if i can’t eat it, i don’t want it!” todd laughed sadistically as his other teammates belted out “fresh-maaan.” he walked over and stood next to landon. “what’s with you? we never hang out anymore. can you please just come with me after the game? we’re all going. i promise you won’t be disappointed,” he winked mischievously. landon sighed. “yeah, sure, we'll see,” he replied blandly. ---------the game went well; really well. landon scored a hattrick; his third goal clinching the game. upon making it back to his room, landon forgot about todd’s earlier proposal. he heard a knock on the hotel door and groaned. stepping out of the shower, he wrapped a towel around himself and went to answer it. swinging the door open, he found that todd had one arm each tossed over the shoulders of two tipsy women with unattractively painted faces and cleavage busting through their low cut tops. “c’mon, bro. let’s blow this hot dog stand.” landon sighed wishing he was wearing more than just a towel as the two women raped him with their eyes. “sorry, man. i’m beat. i’m just gonna go to bed.” he began to close the door, but todd placed his hand on it to keep it open and cursed at him. “i told you i had a surprise! c’mon…kalano’s holding the cab.”

landon scowled at him. “i said i was tired!” he slammed the door shut as todd belted our more profanity and the girls whined. todd continued to pound on the door. landon groaned and opened it. “if i go, will you quit pouting?” todd curled his lips back in satisfaction. landon told him to hang on a minute while he changed and slammed the door shut one more time. it was difficult to give up his former lifestyle. he wanted to talk to kayla about it, but that would just remind him once more of how wrong he was for her. god, he missed her voice, but they had no future together he began to realize after what happened between them in the training room; not with a putz like him. at least by avoiding her it made him feel like he was protecting her…even if he was protecting her from himself. his teammates didn’t understand his change in behavior. he tried to tell them it was still just from being shaken up over his car accident nearly a year ago, but they didn’t quite believe him and weren’t going the buy the “i’ve gone religious” bull either. landon stern: religious? he wished he could say he’d been perfect, but on nights like this, todd always convinced him too easily to go out with some of the guys to the bar and let women fall all over him. each time it happened the more convicted he became, but the conviction had begun to change from feeling like he was betraying kayla to feeling like there was someone else he was betraying: like god? he admitted to himself in astonishment. being a professional was starting to look extremely unappealing considering all the temptations and tabloids that it. he found himself becoming more and more disgusted with todd who once had been a good friend and the way todd viewed the opposite sex was irritating. it made him worry more about kayla. why did todd have to take an interest in her? on the off chance, unlike tonight, he successfully avoided todd’s shenanigan’s, he usually hung out with some of the older, married guys on the team like cub who seemed to have mastered the art of remaining faithful to their wives. landon wasn’t surprised to find that the ones who remained faithful were the ones who had faith. the cab drove the four of them to a posh club downtown and by the time they arrived landon had already forgotten the names of the two girls that were trying to sit on his lap and grope him. huddled at the bar, he was determined not to order anything other than soda, but one girl in particular kept irritating him as she shoved her cleavage into his face. well, maybe one drink would be okay. unfortunately, one drink became two and two became three until landon was on his way to feeling pretty tanked. todd took him back into one of the private party rooms and winked at him devilishly. “i

promised you a valentine, my friend. a little present from the team. enjoy, frosh.” and he left landon alone. inside the dark, richly draped room with velvet cushions and a mini bar was a beautiful woman clad in a red negligee that left nothing to the imagination. it was like satan himself sitting there licking his chops. landon rolled his eyes in annoyance, thankful he hadn’t had too much to drink, but before he could turn and leave, his “valentine” had her hands all over him, seductively kissing him and running her tongue over his lips. for a moment he caved in, realizing how much he loved the sensation. “todd thought you might enjoy me for a little while…” she whispered into his ear. and enjoy her, he did. it felt incredible. just for a little bit. the kissing got more intense and landon felt her undoing his pants. why does this have to feel so good? he screamed to himself. he looked down and caught the expression in the girl’s eyes when they separated lips for a moment. they were cold, dark and unfeeling. those weren’t the eyes he wanted to see. they’re the wrong color, dammit! they’re supposed to be blue! kayla… landon only wanted her. he’d only ever truly want her. landon felt like weeping mournfully and took a deep breath suddenly feeling like he was going to blow chunks all over the girl. he caught her hand and prevented her from going any further. dashing over to the bar, he made it in time to vomit in the sink. what the hell is wrong with me? once he was done retching his guts out, he sunk to the floor and felt his eyes sting with tears; the full realization of his pathetic lifestyle staring him right in the face. the girl tried to approach landon, but he told her to get out without a second glance. she quickly dressed and left him alone. landon stood up leaning over the counter trying to regain his bearings as he wiped the remaining puke off the corners of his mouth. he felt so vulnerable at that moment. he’d barely laid a finger on kayla and yet she had somehow crawled into his veins and he’d have to bleed to death if he ever wanted to purge himself of her. it was so unfair. what kind of faith did she believe in if it told her that two people who obviously had deep feelings for each other had to stay away from one another? landon slammed his fist into the counter in anguish. his thoughts were like a freight train flying past him. he was unable to read them and yet they were heavy; heavy with doubt and heavy with emotion. emotions he didn’t even know existed. todd found landon outside waiting for a cab immediately after the prostitute came and found him; telling him landon was sick. he began a harsh interogation. landon ignored todd as he continued the lecture for spoiling the party. party? what party am i spoiling? he turned and glared at todd silently warning him to shut up. when the cab arrived and took him back to the hotel, he stumbled into bed; a part of him hoping that maybe he

wouldn’t wake up. ---------but he did wake up next morning and lay in bed remembering the events of the previous night. landon got his things together to head downstairs into the lobby. his jacket lay on the floor beside the door where he had thrown it aside as he made his way under the starchy bed sheets. he grabbed his cell phone inside to check any messages; none, but he hit repeat to listen to her voice. her sweet voice. what was she doing in his life? why’d she have to be so adorable? he felt a strange sort of twilight zone sensation. and for the first time wondered if events that happened in life were all just meaningless and haphazard, or was there more to the picture? was it divine intervention that grabbed him by the neck and yanked him out of that situation last night? landon sighed wondering if he really would’ve gone through with it and screwed that prostitute last night. and worse, how wretched he’d be feeling right now if he actually had; not that it mattered. he had chalked himself up to a lost cause and kept hitting repeat just to hear her voice again as he walked into the elevator. it was wrong to blame kayla’s convictions and her beliefs for his shortcomings. wasn’t it one of the strongest reasons he admired her so much? if anything, she was an angel sent to save him from himself. he closed his eyes tightly realizing what he had to do. he wasn’t going to be the one responsible for cutting off her wings. she deserved someone better. someone who’s at least a virgin, for cryin’ out loud! landon slammed his phone shut and pounded the wall of the elevator in ire. he had no business trying to imagine what life would be like if she belonged to him; his own; his wife. my wife… there had never been and never would be anyone else he’d want to give that title to. she’d be much better off without him. he had proved that loud and clear last night. not having her in his life could be likened to the same as cutting off his arm, but he’d gladly do it if it prevented her from ever having to hear him say “i’m sorry.” so he did what any man would do to prevent breaking a woman’s heart. he avoided her. but he knew it was more than to prevent breaking her heart; it was to prevent breaking his.

kayla awoke to the beep beep beep of the alarm at five am. she felt horrible realizing that she hadn’t really slept at all. at least when she was at work, she felt a sense of purpose, not like some schoolgirl pining away for her crush; waiting for him to return a phone call. she sluggishly got in the shower and let the hot spray massage her tired body. she closed her eyes, thinking she could just fall asleep standing there. eventually she forced herself out of the shower and blow-dried her hair a little before she secured it in a ponytail. she

fed clive and let him out back to go to the bathroom and left a note for the neighbor kids who were going to come by and hang out with the dog after school. kayla hated the month of february. it was usually bitter cold with dirty snow lining the curbs and no chance of spring in sight. it didn’t help either that her convertible was quite possibly the world’s worst car to warm up in the morning. to make things worse, it didn’t even get light outside until about 7:30 am. when she made it to the hospital, there had already been several people rushed in from car accidents as a result of the icy morning commute. kayla dashed over to help a child that had been severely injured in a bus accident. doctors were tending to the other young victims. she was frustrated and unable to think as ab shouted orders at her and asked her questions; pimping her on the spot. and there was no room for a mistake. it wasn’t practice, she had to be quick and on her toes. while one of the head physicians was tending to the child, he drilled kayla. what does she need to check for? what does this symptom mean? what should the next step be? kayla tried her best to answer the questions while the doctor worked with lightening speed. he would either say: “yes. take care of it!” or “no! kayla, think!” the child was a mess and the veins kept popping on her every time she poked to get intravenous access. “dammit,” she muttered for the third time when she didn’t see the flash of red in the needle’s tiny reservoir. “is my i.v. ready?” ab demanded. kayla let out a muffled scream in frustration and he shoved her out of the way so he could do it. of course, he could get an i.v. started in a damn rock! for the first time in awhile kayla felt inadequate; like she wasn’t cut out for the job. ab told her to get out and grab ron before he left; she was only getting in the way. kayla peeled off her bloody gloves and rushed out of the room in tears. this was not happening! the day had just started! she grumbled under her breath and asked lori where rj was. “in the lounge, why?” kayla rushed into the lounge. “rj can you get an i.v. started before you go?” “no.” “r.j…c’mon…” “fine.” he threw his jacket down and brushed by her. kayla regained her composure and began work on the patients coming in for high fevers, coughs, broken limbs. a couple hours later she was stitching up a gash on a child that had fallen off the monkey

bars at school while his mother hovered around her. “oh…” the mom cried. “don’t hurt him!” relieved her back was to the woman and she couldn’t see kayla’s exasperated expression she replied, “i gave him something to relieve the pain, but it’s still going to hurt, i’m afraid. it’ll be over soon.” she smiled reassuringly at the boy. “mom, it’s okay. don’t cry,” he grinned with all his missing teeth. “kay…we need you asap!” one of the nurses poked his head in the door. she nodded and finished up the stitches, handing the rest of the clean up over to an n.a. rushing out, she took in the commotion. a woman had come in; her face swollen with bruises and she was barely able to open her left eye. it was obvious someone had beaten her. this wasn’t a shock to kayla; she unfortunately had seen these cases one too many times. what was different about this woman was that she was in labor. god! who would do such a thing!? she’s pregnant! as some of the orderlies hoisted her up on a gurney, kayla began obtaining a history as quickly as she could, asked about her baby; where she’d been hit; and who had done this to her. they wheeled her into the delivery room realizing that the baby was probably going to be born. running a hand through her messy pony tail, kayla sighed and made her way to the lounge, “kayla!” “huh?” she stopped to look at the nurse who called her name. “some gomer is asking for you .” kayla groaned. the only gomer who knew her by name and had memorized her shifts was william; a homeless schizophrenic man in about his forties. he was harmless though and often engaged her in rather interesting theological discussions and kayla was the only sucker who put up with his self-inflicted injuries from drinking too much. “miss kayla!” he exclaimed as she walked into the triage area. “hi william,” she stopped to greet him while a medical assistant dabbed the bloody gash on his forehead with some guaze. “how’s the book coming?” he often told her about his science-fiction comedy he was currently “writing.” “oh great! i have an agent all lined up to sell it!” “that’s wonderful. i’ll be right back,” she lied and continued her way to seek refuge in the lounge, but was interrupted again with another case of a sick child running a high fever. a few hours later, she checked up on the battered woman who had gone into labor. to her

disappointment, the woman gave birth to a baby with irreversible brain damage. the next step would involve the police. whoever beat this woman was now most likely wanted for the murder of her child. kayla stopped into her room and checked her vitals quietly, assuming the woman was asleep. when she turned to leave, she was startled when a hand grabbed her arm. “what am i going to do?” the woman cried hoarsely. kayla turned and furrowed her brow. “i’m sorry? what?” “i have nothing…” a tear streamed down her cheek. “it’ll be fine,” kayla offered trite words, knowing that things weren’t going to be fine. “why?” she choked out a sob. “just get some rest now, okay?” kayla swallowed a lump in her throat and left the room. she didn’t have time right now to process her emotions and she busied herself with more routine illnesses, stitches, and consultations. by the time it was six in the evening, she realized she hadn’t eaten or drank anything all day. thank god, she’d get to go home in an hour. finally trudging into the lounge without an interruption to grab something, kayla rested her head in her arms on the table. why, god…why? she always begged. why show me mercy and bless me and then allow that poor woman to suffer! she laughed to herself wanting to tell cub’s wife, carly, from the new year’s eve party, that perhaps her life did resemble the television show with all the drama that was happening today. except that’s not real life; the actor or actress gets to clean off his or her bloody make-up, grab their paycheck and go home. before she had finished her coffee and vending machine sandwich, another round of victims from a car accident came in; a six-car pile up on interstate 94. any hope of going home was now dashed. all eighteen people involved in the accident had arrived with varying degrees of severity for their injuries. kayla watched as doctors tried to save a mother and her three children, but nothing could be done. by the time the last patient had been stabilized, six people had died; three children, a teenager, and two adults. kayla glanced at the clock: 11:30 pm. ab told her to go home and get some sleep; they’d be fine without her. she numbly grabbed her jacket and purse from the locker and walked out to her car. she hated confronting death in the face, recording the times when the victim was declared officially dead and never processed the gravity of the situation when it was happening; she just had to take care of what needed to be taken care of and think about it later. after slamming her car door shut, she laid her head on the steering wheel and remembered the look in the dad’s face when she told him his wife and three children didn’t survive; the simple, yet agonizing question from the abused woman; the way she had been

chastised that morning for not being on top of things. it all started to pile up on her shoulders and she couldn’t seem to lift her head from the steering wheel as her body heaved with sobs. and during all this, the one person she wanted most in the world to reassure her, tell her she was brilliant and capable and beautiful and make her laugh with one of his stupid jokes…was landon. it was 11:53, he’d probably be asleep, but she couldn’t stand it. he seemed to be the only person who could take her tears away. kayla swallowed her better judgment and drove over to his house. --------landon lay in his bed, staring at the ceiling as he rested his forearm across his forehead. he was such an ass for not talking to her. his busy schedule and away games were no excuse for failing to pick up the phone to return her call; not dropping by; not doing anything. just like the coward he was. he couldn’t even imagine what was going through her mind. landon jerked his head up. is that my cell? he heard it again and dashed over to his desk to pick it up. he saw who was calling and froze. what if she’s in trouble? “kayla!?” when he didn’t hear a response, he began to panic. “kayla? what is it?” he heard a choked sob and her voice was unsteady. “landon?” “yeah?” his heart raced. “can i come in?” her voice was barely audible. confused for a second, a quick glance out his window proved his hunch as he saw her little red car parked on the street. “yeah, of course!” he dashed down the steps and opened the door. kayla fell into his arms. why did she have to fit into his embrace so perfectly? “kayla?” he whispered amazed at how much it hurt to see her cry. “what’s the matter?” she pulled away from him, her eyes radiated from her tears; her wet lashes clumped together. “i hate what i do!” she exclaimed. “i hate what i see, i hate what i’m helpless to do! i hate what i see… i-i…” she kept repeating some sort of nonsense through her hiccups and once again buried her face into landon’s bare chest. he felt her tears drip down his stomach. if he didn’t know any better, he would have thought his heart had bled through and was oozing down his chest. “shh…” was all he could utter. kayla never talked about work; telling him long ago that for some reasons she couldn’t talk about what happened, but mostly because if she brought the burdens home

with her, she’d go insane. it appeared he was the lucky one chosen to witness this breakdown of sanity. it seemed like an eternity that he held her; rocking her back and forth. he squeezed his eyes shut in anguish. “do you want something to drink or eat?” he asked quietly; trying to put off the inevitable bull he had to pull out of his ass and try to spoon feed her. she lifted her head away and shook it feebly. “no, i’m not hungry.” she took a deep breath and looked up at him pathetically. “landon, why…where have you…been? i-i didn’t mean to bother you, but…” was she really going to admit it? “but, i just wanted someone to touch…” her fingers barely made contact with his abdomen causing him to churn with desire. “…someone to hold me…” her voice shook as she choked back a sob, trying to prevent another on rush of tears. she tried to breathe as her eyes bore longingly into his. “a-a-all i wanted was y-o-ou!” she burst out as the floodgates opened once more. landon’s heart stopped. all i wanted was you. he looked down into her hungry eyes to see if they were communicating the same desire as her words. his gaze shifted to her lips and with a trembling hand he touched them. they were wet. he despised himself for what he did next. gripping the back of her neck, he lowered his mouth down onto hers and it ignited a reaction so inescapable, he lost all train of rational thought as he deepened his kiss; sucking the salt from her tears that had dripped down to her lips. kayla whimpered with ecstasy. never had she been kissed this way. it was like he really did have the power to erase her memory the longer and harder he moved his mouth around hers. all sensation left her legs and began centering itself as she dug her fingers into landon’s chest to keep herself from slipping out of his grasp. landon backed her up against the wall almost roughly. his flaccid arms were failing miserably at holding her upright despite endless repetitions he’d obsessed over during weight training. this had to be a dream he tried to justify to himself as his hands caressed her hair and face and moved down to her chest. he slipped them under her shirt to stroke her skin. “landon,” kayla gasped. in response, he groaned with pleasure. hearing her say his name like he’d always fantasized was almost too much. placing his hands around her hips, he lifted her up against the length of the wall to gain better access to her mouth and pressed his body firmly against hers. their blood began to coarse with the same rhythm. “landon,” she repeated breathlessly and did her best to lock her arms around his neck while her legs began to entwine themselves around his hips. he felt amazing. how badly had she wanted this? did anything else matter at this moment? her sacred promises to remain pure, to save herself for when the timing was right seemed inconsequential and almost trivial in comparison to the emotions and physical sensations that were taking over. to hell with the guilt she was going to feel afterwards.

“make love to me, landon,” the words tumbled from her lips. he froze and slowly removed his mouth from the nape of her neck. landon gazed incredulously into her eyes; searching them for any sign of hesitation. “say something…please?” she breathed into his mouth as her chest heaved up and down. she looked miserable, so vulnerable, aching. landon turned his eyes away from her and ever so gingerly pried his body from hers. shaking his head slowly, he felt like the lowest piece of scum shot up from the depths of hell itself. how could he have done this to her? his perfect and adorable kayla; the one girl he felt like if he touched she would shatter like glass. never had he hated himself this much; never. kayla felt like all the blood was draining from her body. “what?” she whispered. “i thought that…” he was looking at her like she was some kind of apparition and she suddenly felt naked and exposed. landon closed his eyes and grimaced shamefully. stepping slowly away, he lowered his head and turned his back on her as he walked into the kitchen. trembling like a leaf, kayla slowly followed him feeling more and more humiliated and rejected by the second. he doesn’t want me? it was the only thought she had running through her mind. landon made it to the sink; gripping the edge until his knuckles were white. hunched over and breathing heavily. he had to do this. for her sake. god, i love her so much, he told himself shaking his head; trying to regain his composure. he barely recognized his own voice. “look kayla, you’ve been a good friend and all and i’ve tried to change, but…i-i can’t. i can’t do this. i just don’t think we should be friends, we shouldn’t be anything… shouldn’t …we can’t see each other anymore…ever.” he bit his lip at the words he was about to say next hoping the tone in his voice wouldn’t betray his blatant dishonesty. “i’ve been too chicken-shit to call and tell you. it’s ah…i’ve decided it’s just not meant to be between us.” taking a deep and ragged breath, he turned around to face her. landon wished he hadn’t. oh god, he wished he hadn’t. the pain on her face was like a long sword slowly being sunk deep into his chest right up to the hilt. he was responsible for the agony on that delicate face. kayla narrowed her eyes and shook her head slowly. the complete humiliation rose up in her throat and strangled her. “you don’t mean that…” she leaned her head to the side and whispered as her vision began to blur. it was too much for him to bear. landon reached for her hand. “baby…” he let the word slip. her fingers recoiled like he had just touched her with a hot coal. “don’t call me that!” she

screamed as she choked back a sob and backed up. “don’t ever call me that!” what have i done? landon took another step towards her. she continued to back away slowly still shaking her head in disbelief; the anguish and hurt on her face continuing to slice into his heart. kayla felt everything spinning around her as she felt for the car keys in her jacket. this was not what was supposed to happen. he was supposed to comfort her, tell her he’d always be there; that everything was going to be okay; it was just a bad day, everything will be fine in the morning. “i’ll make it all go away kayla,” he was supposed to say. but instead, he’d rejected her. like a stupid schoolgirl with a hopeless crush. the school’s star hockey player didn’t have the time of day for her. he didn’t love her; didn’t think she was worth any effort. i’m such an idiot! the only thought that consumed her at the moment was getting as far away from landon stern as possible. kayla turned on her heel and ran towards the front door. “kayla!” she didn’t want to hear any more excuses and sprinted out the door. everything was a blur and her only focus was the red car parked in the street. landon dashed out the door after her suddenly wanting so badly to take back every word, but he cursed a blue streak when his bare feet hit the snow on his lawn. she fumbled with her keys, opened the door, jumped in and started the ignition. go... dammit! drive! she screamed hysterically in her mind while fumbling with first gear. and much to her relief the car was finally in motion moving further and further away from landon…for good. landon made it to the street in time to inhale the exhaust fumes from her car, but now he couldn’t feel the cold as he stood there in the middle of the street watching her disappear down the street and disappear from his life.

kayla barely saw through her tears as she drove. he didn’t want me? what’s wrong with me? he didn’t want me? why wouldn’t he want me? i can’t believe i asked him to make love to me…if only…he really didn’t want me? she thought about driving home, but then did what every child does no matter how old they are; she sought comfort from her mother. kayla was certain she had calmed down by the time she’d made it all the way out to eden prairie, but when her mom opened the door, her tears started all over again. “mom, he-hehe doesn’t want me!” she cried, dramatically flailing her arms.

dana took her daughter in her arms still in shock from being woken up. “oh, sweetheart, what happened? c’mere!” she beckoned; frightened at the sight of kayla’s haggard, tear stained face. kayla clung to her mom, relieved to find someone’s arms she knew wouldn’t turn her away. “honey, what happened?” dana tried again. she led her sobbing, hiccupping daughter inside and closed the door. “i-i wanted him to love me! how could i have been so stupid?! so blind! how did i let this ha-ha-happen!?” kayla sniffled wiping her snot on dana’s shoulder. dana led kayla into her old bedroom. “is this about landon?” “well, what do you think!?” she wailed miserably and hiccupped once more. dana grimaced. “oh, sweetie… what do you mean?” kayla kicked off her shoes and curled herself into a ball onto the bed. dana smoothed the messy hair away from kayla’s face and grabbed a box of kleenex. kayla mumbled thanks as she took one to wipe her tears and then another to blow her nose; and another. dana climbed up and sat down next to her daughter and kayla repositioned herself so she could lay her head on her mom’s lap. “he didn’t call me or-or-or e-mail for two weeks.” hiccup. “i was hoping maybe it was because he was busy or needed some space." hiccup. "but i just had the worst day at work a-a-and i wanted to see him, mom!” dana bit her lip and continued to listen patiently. “he told me he wasn’t going to change; he didn’t even want us to be friends anymore.” hiccup. “i mean…wha- what did i do? wha-what’s wrong with me?” “oh, hon, nothing! something must have happened. i saw the way he looked at you during christmas. i know he cares about you! did you let him explain?” kayla mumbled “no,” and then continued wailing. “i just wanted to get out of there. i felt so humiliated!” and with that confession came more tears. dana smiled sympathetically. “’kay when’s the last time you slept or ate anything?” kayla muttered that she didn’t know and wasn’t hungry. “will you let me make you something to eat and draw you a bath?” kayla didn’t say anything, which dana took to be a “yes.” “honey, do you have to be at the hospital tomorrow?”

she shook her head. “not till the evening,” she replied weakly. dana smiled. “good, then, just get some rest and don’t think of getting out of that bed till at least one in the afternoon.” “but what about clive?” kayla whimpered in a tiny voice. “i can go over there and take care of him.” dana went to the bathroom and ran the hot water, putting some bubble bath in it, complete with a bath pillow. she dashed to the kitchen and made a turkey sandwich with pickles and heated up water in the microwave to make some chai. when she returned, kayla had already slipped in the tub; her head lay back on the pillow. she stared off into space and fingered her necklace; the one landon had given her for christmas. “here you go sweetie,” offered dana handing her the plate of food. kayla looked up with her swollen eyes. “thanks, mom.” she sat down on the toilet next to kayla. “i’m so sorry kay.’ i hate to see you like this.” kayla snorted cynically. “it’s my own stupid fault. i actually trusted that he was genuinely trying to change, trying to seek after his own faith. i suppose he just got tired…tired of me; tired of the ‘holier than thou’ bull.’” “kay, you gotta stop that kind of thinking.” dana paused for a few moments. “can i pray for you?” kayla shrugged her shoulders indifferently. dana knelt down beside her daughter and pulled her head in close to touch her own and prayed softly for comfort and wisdom both for kayla and landon. when she finished, dana looked down into her daughter’s weary eyes. kayla smiled half-heartedly at her mom. “don’t fall asleep in there. i work tomorrow, but i’ll come home at lunch and check up on you.” dana leaned over and kissed her on the forehead and went back to her bedroom. kayla tried to eat her sandwich and drink the tea, but found she had no appetite. after washing her hair, she reluctantly got out of the tub to dry off. dana had left her a fuzzy bathrobe and that suited kayla just fine for pajamas. she dragged her feet to her bedroom and crawled under the covers pulling her knees up in a ball as she remembered the last time the pain had felt this awful: it had been at michael’s funeral. --------landon wasn’t sure how long he’d stood out there in the cold watching her flee from him. one moment his dream was coming true; she had completely melted under his touch; the way he had imagined in his fantasies. and the next moment he was tearing her into pieces with his lies. he had trudged inside feeling helpless and the helplessness turned into anger

and anger into rage as he took a glass sitting on the counter and flung it against the wall watching the glass fly everywhere; just the way he had shattered kayla. that was when the sobs began, as if he wasn’t in control of his own body. he had sunk to the ground, his head bent over his knees. why couldn’t he have just given in?! all i wanted was you! he’d been dying to hear those haunting words come out of her lips and when she begged him to make love to her…he’d almost lost control when she breathed those words. and god, how he wanted to make love to her; to do it slowly and deliberately; making her ache with so much pleasure she’d cry out his name and forget she had ever been in tears. maybe a couple of months ago he would’ve taken advantage of her vulnerability, but things were different. he had changed somehow. for the first time in his life, someone else’s well being; their happiness was more important than his own desires. he tried to put the wounded look on her face out of his mind. no, i did the right thing. she can move on. i can be a better person because of her, but i can’t have her. it would never do to just be friends. he’d convinced himself he wasn’t even worthy enough for that. landon couldn’t imagine ever coming close to meeting another woman like kayla and part of him didn’t want to. he wanted to say that she was the only woman he’d ever been in love with; feeling as if he’d betray her if he ever fell for someone else. how could she even love me anyway? she probably still feels the same way about michael as i do about her. -------she cracked open her eyes the next morning and rubbed them with the heels of her hands. her hair was still damp from the night before. the memory of how horrible the previous day was came seeping back her pride and resolve though got the better of her. this is a good thing. you and landon were all wrong for each other. at least it’s over now, you can get on with your life and stop hoping. kayla slowly arose from the bed and went to the window. it was gray and overcast outside. she entertained the thought of going for a run. taking a deep breath, she walked into dana’s room, fished in her drawers for some warm clothing to wear and stepped outside and changing. it was cold, but not too windy and once she got going, it would feel good. kayla took the familiar five-mile route that she had always taken in high school when she trained. she wished she hadn’t gone over to landon’s. seeking comfort in him, a mere human being, when her faith told her that it was god she should have turned to for comfort; it was as if she slapped him in the face by thinking that if landon could just make love to her then everything would be okay. the feel of his touch would make the world disappear for just enough time. maybe she was being punished for getting so caught up in her emotions. why did i want him so badly to love me? what was it about him? should i have cut off all

contact with him knowing that i was attracted to him and he didn’t share my beliefs? she trusted that landon was in her life for a reason, but why…if it was only going to cause her to stumble? did she really love landon? had she even demonstrated her love for him? definitely not the way she had longed for him sexually. when kayla made it home from her run, she had the bible verse from 1 john 4:18 running through her mind. what is perfect love? any love she had for him as a woman had to be quenched now. at least i know the truth now; that all my girlish fantasies, were just that; childish and fanciful. she had to move on and forget she ever met landon stern for both their sakes. he was just a… stumbling block. nothing more…could god really have intended for it to be anything else? by the time kayla showered and had some breakfast her mom came home to check up on her. “why aren’t you still in bed?” she asked lovingly kissing her on the top of her head. kayla shrugged. “i got tired of feeling sorry for myself.” dana stroked her daughter’s hair, pleased see the heartache wasn’t going to get the better of her. “it was dumb of me to think i could ever love anyone the way i loved michael.” dana froze; completely shocked to hear kayla utter his name. “kayla,” dana admonished. she wanted to tell her not to give up so easily; that she had no reason to hold on to michael’s memory anymore or compare other men to him. closing her eyes, she prayed silently that kayla wouldn’t shut off her emotions the way she had so many times in the past. “i gotta go mom. thanks for being so awesome! i love you!” kayla didn’t want to stick around and try to have her mother fix her. “sorry for being such a mess last night. it won’t happen again.”

she threw on her sweatshirt and shoes, and gave her mom a kiss before taking off. dana was more worried now than ever. ---------“landon.” he threw his practice jersey on the ground and looked up at his coach. “yeah?” “come talk,” coach lemaire nodded his head in the direction of his office. “can i shower first?” “yeah, that’s fine.”

landon took his time in the shower, head bent down low as he placed an arm against the wall to balance himself. it had been difficult to even get out of bed this past week, let alone play hockey. i’ve finally found something on the earth that i love more. he smiled to himself sadly as a vision of her flashed in his mind. when he finished showering and had his clothes on, he went to his coache's office. landon knocked cautiously on the door and heard a grunt beckoning him to come in. he sat down nervously in front of lemaire and gazed around at the numerous pictures and plaques on the wall. his coach had been a part of the montreal canadiens dynasty in the seventies. he often told landon he was like a modern day guy lafluer, something landon had deeply appreciated and vehemently denied. “how’s your shoulder?” landon shrugged. “fine.” “you ready for atlanta?” he asked referring to the all-star game. landon nodded mutely. “is there anything going on that you wanna tell me about?” landon laughed nervously. “you trying to add shrink onto your list of duties as coach now?” lemaire scratched his tuft of wispy white tresses and chuckled. “you know…most of the guys have their ways of dealing with pressure, the stress. some good, some bad. most i pretend to ignore unless it affects their playing. it’s my job to make sure you guys win, you know…and eliminate things that make us not win.” he nodded. “i know. this season feels different, but i haven’t been drinking…if that’s what you’re getting at. there’s just been…other things.” lemaire pursed his lips and swiveled his chair. “other things…” he mumbled. landon scrutinized him. was that a smile? before he could discern it thoough, lemaire set his mouth in a straight line again. “good. the all-star game isn’t a big deal okay? don’t get yourself hurt. we don’t have to count out the play-offs just yet.” landon fidgeted with his fingers. “is that—?” “yeah, yeah. get goin.’” his coached waved him off with a flick of his hand. ---------“…stern gets the puck…takes it across the blue line…messier goes in for a check and… ho ho..bounces off stern like ping pong…my goodness, it’s usually the other way around…called offsides. face-off will be in the eastern zone…” “…i’m still amazed at the recovery of this kid after his car accident last season—”

“yeah…seems like a whole new player to me…” ron set down his donut, hit the mute button on the remote control and looked up at kayla from the lounge television. “you know, r.j…. for someone who claims he hates the nhl, you sure watch a lot of it,” kayla smirked as she leaned against the doorway. “i’m just keepin’ up with your boyfriend. where’s he been lately? i miss the free coffee.” kayla shrugged and turned to go. “what’s up with you two?” “nothing. nothing ever was, nothing ever will be,” she huffed off before ron could get another word in. kayla made it back to the nurse’s station when her pager went off. she picked up the phone and dialed amanda’s number. “hey wow! that was fast!” amanda exclaimed on the other end of the line. “it’s slow. what’s up?” “can you be free ten days from now?” “ah…that’s the twenty-third, why?” “are you free?” “hold on…” she checked out the schedule posted on one of the cabinets. “um…i get off at seven…well i’m supposed to get off at seven on that day.” “okay…if i ask you a question, promise to answer yes.” “mandy..,” kayla warned. “puh-lease?” “fine.” “okay. peter and i were going to make reservations at campiello on hennepin—” “who’s the guy?” kayla interrupted dryly. “his roommate brandon. remember i told you about him?” “amanda!” she moaned. “c’mon. no pressure. you’ll love him. you two are perfect for each other, and he’s really hot!” kayla sighed loudly. “yes.”

amanda squealed with delight. “promise me you won’t back out?” “i can’t—” “promise?” “i promise.” --------kayla shuffled through the sunday paper as she made some macaroni and cheese. against her better judgment she turned to the sports section to read about some of the interviews the press does with the all-stars the day before the game. she couldn’t help but wonder how landon held up. the media frenzy and schedule of activities surrounding the all-star game had probably been extremely overwhelming for him. getting over him was hard enough, but having to put him out of her mind when his name was on the tip of everyone’s tongue in the hockey world was agonizing. it was stupid of her to open up the section devoted to the nhl. right there was his gorgeous face, beaming dimples staring right back next to a caption that read: stern discipline is all it takes. she skimmed the article praising landon for his swift and almost incomprehensible come-back, his emergence as a superstar in his first ever all-star appearance. kayla couldn’t help but smile as she read one of his quotes when asked how he felt having some of the biggest stars as his linemates. “well it’s a dream to play with these guys as teammates, but it’s more a question of who gets stuck playing alongside me. i’m the guy they’re like ‘ugh, hope i don’t get stuck with him.’” she wished she hadn’t read the rest of the article though. it stung. when asked about his favor with the female population of hockey fans, the ever bashful stern replied that he’d be the last person any girl would ever want to marry. “it’s the furthest thing from my mind.” a tear slipped past her eyelid. sensing her pain, clive prodded his nose under her elbow from her seat at the kitchen table. kayla bent down, wrapped her arms around him and buried her tears in his thick soft fur. “oh clive. how could i have been so stupid…stupid, stupid, stupid….?” --------landon settled back in his seat on the plane next to matt johnson. “so what’d’ya think about your first all-stars?” “tired,” mumbled landon. “i got the paper. wanna see what they wrote about you.”

“na uh. hey cub?” “mmm?” “why do people call you cubbie?” “how long have we been teammates and you never asked?” “i dunno.” “typical, frosh, typical. my middle name is jacob. carly called me cubbie in front of the guys one time and it stuck.” landon chuckled. “how long have you guys been married?” “sixteen years.” “wow. does it suck?” matt laughed. “nah…i mean things change. we’re not horny teenagers any more. especially when the kids came along.” “so what keeps you together? keeps you faithful?” “well…i’m definitely attracted to other women. that’s fer sure, but i’m sure she’s attracted to other guys.” he winked at landon. “but, i think the only other guy prettier than me is you.” landon shook his head and smiled. “but you don’t cheat on her like andy does on his wife. or every other husband for that matter,” he added dryly thinking of his own father. “that’s ‘cause andy’s an asswipe and thinks that he should feel about his wife the way he does about the puck-futts that wait outside the arena dying to brag to her friends that she screwed a professional athlete.” “so what’s the difference?” matt developed a dreamy look in his eyes. “security. commitment. and you know what? there’s something incredibly sexy about a woman who has your children.” landon smiled instinctively thinking about kayla. “cub? do you really believe in god?” “fer sure!!” he snickered. “you remember kayla?” “yeah…carly couldn’t stop gushing about her after new year’s. said she’d never seen you whipped over a girl before.” landon thought back to that night with mixed emotions. “she doesn’t want to be with me

because i don’t believe in god.” “c’mon. everybody believes in some kind of god; buddha, allah, christ, money, women, hockey…which one do you believe in?” “i never thought about it much until she came along...no...that's not true...but her timing in my life seemed pretty uncanny.” matt smiled. “carly and i didn’t start going to church until after we had kids. god didn’t seem relevant…and then…carly gave birth to josh…” he folded his arms like he was cradling a baby. “…and when i held him in my arms…i thought…damn…this is a helluva miracle. you can’t hold your own kid in your arms and not want to thank some higher being…” he started to tear up and wiped them away furiously. “it’s just that…you come to a point in your life where you have to ask if this is it. is this all there is? what happens if this plane crashes, or i bust my knee, lose my retirement and can’t buy my twin girls matching bmw’s for their birthday when they turn sixteen? what’s it all mean in the end? how come i can be such a dickhead and there’s a god that says he still loves me anyway…or a wife for that matter!?” he laughed to himself. landon chuckeld softly and stretched his legs out. “i don’t know, cub…i just don’t know…” “hey, frosh?” landon turned his head to look at him. “hmm?” “you tell any of the guys i was crying, you’re a dead man.” --------“your picture doesn’t do you justice, kayla,” brandon smiled at her. she rolled her eyes modestly and thanked him. this was going to be a long night if he continued with the cheesy one-liners. “kay, we already ordered for you, is that all right?” amanda asked. “yeah…i’m really sorry i’m late. glad i brought my dress with to work!” she stole another peek at brandon. he was pretty good-looking. she had to give amanda credit. he filled out his light blue polo shirt nicely in the chest, short dark blond hair, piercing amber eyes… but he didn’t have any dimples. stop it, kayla. brandon deserves a chance. he was a christian, successful, easy on the eyes: what could there possible be not to like? “peter said you were a superstar in track and cross country,” brandon flashed a smile at her. “um…i don’t know about that.” “i ran the one-ten and four hundred hurdles my junior and senior year at wheaton.”

kayla perked up. a fellow runner? sweeeet. “really? did you run in high school?” “yeah. just to stay in shape for football. i played rugby though in college. more manly than football.” kayla giggled and took a sip of her diet coke. they continued to exchange pleasantries much to the delight of peter and amanda. brandon was a financial planner for a small firm in the chicago area and was already making six figures. he had a house in the suburbs he shared with two other guys and of all things….a golden retriever. “kayla’s a sucker for animals! aren’t you kay!” amanda squealed. “yeah?” brandon perked up his eyebrows. “do people ask why you never became a vet?” kayla bowed her head and snickered. “i could never be a vet. i’d completely fall apart everyday. i can’t stand to see animals in pain.” “but…you can stand to see pain in humans?” brandon kidded her lightly. “aw…it’s different with people. i can relate to them. usually they can tell me what hurts, where it hurts. like babies and small children… all animals can do is cry. breaks my heart.” brandon caught her gaze and then blushed. when the food arrived, they ate in silence for the most part. “aw…i love this song!” amanda cooed. kayla strained to hear the soft music over the speakers. “i mean…the lyrics are so sweet! ‘do you realize…that you have the most beautiful face…?’” tmbf. one of landon’s ambiguous yet romantic gestures. why’d she have to fall in love with him? the uncontainable tears welled up in her eyes. “um…scuze me,” she mumbled and abruptly shoved her seat back, throwing her napkin on the chair. amanda eyed the bewildered expressions of peter and brandon. “ah…i think i have to go to the bathroom too.” she got up from her seat and followed kayla. once in the bathroom, she ducked her head under the stalls to look for kayla’s black maryjane heels and knocked on the door of the last stall. “kayla? can i come in?” kayla unlocked the stall and when amanda spread her arms for a hug, she lost it. “i can’t stand it!” she gave a muffled wail into her friend’s shoulder.

“landon?” kayla nodded and sniffled as she lifted her head. “it just h-hurts, you know? l-like i can actually feel my heart breaking. why?” “i don’t know, kay…shh…” “i know…i know we are not supposed to be together. amanda…i actually find myself wishing i didn’t believe in god just so i wouldn’t have this conviction…just so we could be together. i tried convincing myself that it shouldn’t matter what either of us believe as long as we love each other, but he doesn’t even…doesn’t even love me so why am i so devastated?” amanda smiled softly and stoked her long blonde tresses. “because you’re in love with him.” kayla unrolled several pieces of toilet paper and began dabbing her eyes. “i’m so stupid…” “kayla…you’re the most un-stupid woman i’ve ever met. there’s nothing stupid about loving someone...and wanting them to love you, but if landon doesn’t believe in the kind of love you believe in, then maybe not now, but you know that eventually you’d be in a bathroom stall somewhere…crying just like now…except it would be under far worse circumstances.” kayla sniffled and giggled. “i think you’re the un-stupid one here.” “well, i will think you’re stupid if you don’t go out there and give brandon a chance.” “yeah…you’re right…he is pretty hot.” “told ya.” “how come he’s not taken yet?” “i dunno. maybe he’s picky. i do know he had a serious relationship that lasted a long time, but he hasn’t been with anyone else really in about two years.” “why can’t i let go of these feelings?” “you will. feelings are good, but they come and go. pete drives me nuts sometimes, but i know our marriage will last because those times we don’t like each other…we know what marriage really means…what it means to god.” “you’re right,” kayla took a deep breath. “i’ll be fine. i’ll be fine…” “’course you will.” “is my face all red?” “not too bad. we’ll just put some cold water on it and tell brandon you had an allergic

reaction to the garlic or something.” kayla embraced her friend once more. “think people are wondering what two girls are doing in the same bathroom stall?” “eh…i doubt in this day and age it’s even considered odd.” ----------“what’s the matter with you? are you sick or pussy whipped?” landon glared at todd. he didn’t respond as he turned off the shower and grabbed his towel heading into the locker room. “what is this?” he mumbled to himself as he noticed his other half-naked teammates giggling and running around slapping each other with towels to the tune of ‘love to love you baby’ by donna summer blaring over the speakers. his favorite part after a win at home was the locker room antics. not lately. todd continued to follow him. “i know i know…you think we’ve all forgotten your birthday, huh? not to worry my friend. twenty-nine is your last year of freedom, before people start wondering where the ball and chain is!” he snorted at his own joke. landon sighed as he sat down rubbing a towel vigorously over his hair to dry it off. “promise me you won’t throw me another birthday party, todd. i can barely remember the last two.” todd laughed and slapped landon on the back. “my friend, those are the only kind of birthdays to have!” he paused for a second. “how’s that sweet little doc’ of yours doing? she’s been playing hard to get with me since new year’s.” every muscle in landon’s body tensed up and he grinded his teeth in agitation. “todd, just leave her alone,” he stated in a low threatening tone. “why, you two got something going on now? ha! i knew it! she’s the one who's got the leash on you!” landon squared his jaw, trying to hide the rage in his eyes. “we’re both busy doing our own things. so just back off.” “c’mon, lan. what is it? i thought we were friends?!” landon exhaled forcefully, a small part of his anger released. “todd, i’m sorry. i…i’ve just been going through some changes.” he tried to smile. “i guess maybe this whole twentynine thing is hitting me a lot harder than i thought,” he lied. todd nodded, satisfied with landon’s explanation. “so will you come to my place? friday?” he held out his hands in defense. “i promise no surprises! honestly!” landon forced his lips into a grin. “sure, why not,” he said blandly.

todd’s face brightened. “seven pm sharp, buddy!” landon nodded slowly and turned his back as he finished dressing. --------“yeah…we did it in the on-call room,” lori giggled as she adjusted her pony-tail. “shut-up!” kayla exclaimed as she finished signing off her dictations. “are you guys even dating?” lori shrugged. “i dunno. i hope so.” “you hope so?” “yeah. ron’s a sweet guy. and since you became interested in landon, he’s stopped flirting with you.” “rj flirts with everybody.” “mmm…so you and hockey boy really not dating anymore?” “augh! how many times do i have to tell you guys we were never dating?” “yeah right. did he kiss you?” “maybe.” “ooh…was he a good kisser? damn, i’d pay good money to get a taste of him.” “lori, i believe people call that prostitution.” kayla smiled sarcastically at her. “kayla…you need to loosen up. you know…you need to get laid.” “geez lori! you are so foul!” she giggled. “oh c’mon. take off the goody-goody church girl persona. i thought maybe you finally would’ve with hockey boy…” “can you stop calling him ‘hockey boy’ and can we please not talk about—?” “kayla!” kayla turned around. “yeah?” she looked at one of the e.r. nurses leaning over the counter. “some guy’s outside. said he wanted to see you, but that’d he’d wait.” she rolled her eyes when lori started poking her. “is william back? you know…he’s not bad looking for a schizo.” the nurse chuckled. “no, this guy is way better looking than william. how come you always get the admirers?” she muttered at kayla before walking away.

kayla’s heart skipped a beat. maybe it’s landon. then she shook her head trying to rid herself of the silly notion. besides, most of her co-workers would have recognized landon. “you know, church girls have fun too,” kayla teased her before dashing into the lounge to check out her appearance. “uh huh, yeah…roight.” lori shouted back laughing. once in the lounge, kayla smoothed her hair and pinched her cheeks. if by some miracle, it was landon, she wanted to look somewhat decent. she exited through the emergency room staff only doors and glanced around the lobby in hope. “hey there doc’!” whirling around, the smile on her face disappeared when she saw who it was. “oh, todd!” she laughed nervously. “what are you doing here? i mean ah…how did you know where i was?” todd smiled seductively making kayla a little uneasy. “i have my ways.” he winked at her. kayla tried to smile graciously. “so what do i owe this unexpected surprise to?” todd cast his eyes downward and scuffed the floor nervously. “you’ve kind of been avoiding me since new year’s… and since i know landon doesn’t mind…i was hoping to make one last ditch effort at ah…maybe taking you out.” seeing his flustered demeanor, she sighed realizing that he probably wasn’t has bad as she or landon had made him out to be. what does he mean since landon doesn’t mind!? is landon tossing me over to his friends now that’s he’s through with me? the thought grated on kayla’s nerves. she flashed a haughty grin at todd. “i’m sorry, i have been playing hard to get i’m afraid, though not intentionally. i just didn’t want to make landon feel uncomfortable since you guys are such good friends.” kayla perked up her eyebrows. “but… since he’s apparently made it clear that it’s not a big deal if you and i go out, than give me the time and the place! i’ll be there!” todd’s faced washed into an enormous and satisfied grin. “why don’t you give me your address? i’ll pick you up around six-thirty on friday. do you have to work then?” kayla shook her head and then remembered that next week was landon’s birthday. the familiar stab of longing hit her in the gut. “awesome! i’m actually just having a few people over…so no pressure!” he laughed. “kinda like a group date!” kayla breathed a sigh of relief. she was sure he’d be able to see right through her feigned interest once they were alone. “okay!” she grabbed a piece of paper and jotted down directions to her house. “i’ll see

you then!” todd winked at her once more in satisfaction as he strutted out of the lobby apparently sauntering off on the same high horse he had waltzed in on. she rolled her eyes realizing how juvenile she was being, wanting to make landon jealous. like he even cares. kayla was determined to make the best out of friday and politely dismiss todd from any further dates. ---------“what?!” shrieked amanda on the phone. “why did you say yes!?”

kayla cradled the phone in her ear as she did dishes that friday morning. “i don’t know. you know i can’t say no to people and besides it’s not like it’s going to be like a datedate. he said he’s having a small party at his house and i’ll just be his guest for the evening. i plan on telling him i don’t want to see him anymore after that.” “kayla…don’t do this to get back at landon.” “i’m not!” kayla protested realizing she’d been found out. “okay, so maybe a little part of me wants to make him jealous.” “kay, i know how you feel, but that’s just not right.” she sighed deeply. “i know…i should call and cancel, but i don’t have his number. besides, i’m not going to be making landon jealous anyway. i mean he’s a rich goodlooking guy. he can have any woman he wants.” “what about brandon? you guys been talking?” “um…” “kayla,” amanda began scolding. “i hate talking on the phone, but we’re gonna get together the weekend before your wedding.” amanda screeched in delight. “he’s driving down to see you?” “it doesn’t mean anything…calm down.” “all right…just let todd down easy, tell him you have a long-distance thing going.” kayla rolled her eyes. “i doubt he’ll care. i think he’s just the kind of guy who wants the satisfaction of knowing he can snag any girl he wants. he doesn't like me anyway. i’ll just pretend to be really boring and prude and he’ll be more than happy to get rid of me!” she laughed. amanda shook her head. “if you say so. i’ll see you at church and you can let me know

what tactic you used to dump him!” kayla giggled. “more like how long did it take him to send me packing once he realized he wasn’t going to get any action!” she and amanda giggled to each other for a few more minutes and then hung up. kayla finished cleaning the house and took clive for a run. after showering, she stood in her bathrobe in front of her closet trying to decide what to wear. turning to clive she asked his opinion. “i don’t want something sexy…but i don’t want to look too boring…” he opened his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. “blue or red?” she held up the two sweaters in front of the dog. clive sighed loudly and rolled to his side as if annoyed from being asked such shallow questions. she finally decided on her favorite pair of snug fitting jeans that flattered her curves and boots that added her usual three extra inches to her height. the outfit was finished with the fluffy blue sweater that brought out the color in her eyes. she spent the next half hour blow drying and scrunching up her hair with mousse into soft waves. it was about six twenty when she put the finishing touches of her make-up on and spritzed some perfume on her neck and wrists. clive jumped down from her bed and rushed to the door, barking. he’s early, kayla mused. she took a deep breath feeling guilty for hoping there’d be some alcohol there tonight to make things a little more bearable. she plastered a smile on her face and opened the door. todd was handsome, no doubt. he almost looked like a ken doll, she noted laughing to herself. he even had the fake plastic hair and tan skin to match. but he’s no landon. todd flashed his cheesy ken doll grin at her. “you look nice!” he stated. he glanced down at her dog who seemed rather disinterested and lingered behind kayla. “he doesn’t like strangers?” he kidded. kayla grabbed her jacket and furrowed her brow as she bent down and kissed clive on the nose. “whatsa matter sweet pea?” she whispered. clive whimpered and licked her nose as if to remind her to behave. “be a good boy, okay?” the dog wagged his tail in response as they left the house. dodge viper, kayla rolled her eyes when she spotted todd’s vehicle. a cocky car for a cocky guy. she hunched down to get in the tiny vehicle. “nice car,” she stated mildly. todd grinned triumphantly. “eh, it’s a fun toy to tool around in.”

kayla flashed a fake grin and then turned to look out the window. yeah, i bet. todd glanced at the blonde, blue-eyed creature sitting next to him and smiled in satisfaction. he’d never seen landon jealous before. this was going to be fun.

landon dried himself off after his shower. he dragged his feet into his bedroom from the adjoining bathroom and sighed. tonight was the little birthday party todd had arranged. landon eyed at the clock; it was already seven. what’s the rush? no matter how much todd always feigned that he didn’t have any tricks up his sleeve, landon knew better. he wasn’t looking forward to a bunch of strippers groping him tonight. it would only remind him that kayla was the one he wanted to do the groping. he thought about his relationship with todd. was i as big of an ass as he is; am i still? no, he couldn’t be. he had changed, right? just because he hadn’t bothered going to church to avoid kayla, he still continued to peruse the bible. it was convicting. no wonder people don’t want to be religious, he thought. it can’t be much fun, but then he snorted ironically to himself; like my dejected excuse for a life is any fun? pulling on some boxer briefs over his hips he sat down at his desk. the picture of his mother and him when he was just eighteen months and on ice skates stared back. what would i be like if she was still here? would i be this miserable? would she have told me to screw it, and follow my passion, run over to kayla’s house right now, tell her i love her? tell her that she's it. i’m done. she’s all i’ve ever wanted and all i never knew i wanted and i won't take "no" for an answer? landon brushed a finger over her smiling face. he had her eyes and dark hair. he peeled his gaze away from her picture and looked at his phone. maybe i should just call todd and tell him i’m not coming. then he felt slightly guilty for his animosity. the guy may be a jerk sometimes, but he’s still just a guy like me who needs friends. lethargically rising from his seat, he headed over to the closet and decided on some jeans and a dark gray pull over. kayla would tell him to still love and pray for todd, but that maybe he could only be his friend in specific settings where he wouldn’t be tempted. what about tonight? what if i’m tempted tonight? landon wasn’t sure how to pray, but he knew he’d need it this evening for some reason. ---------“kayla! hi! where’s landon?” veronica gave her a hug a few moments after todd brought her to his house where people had already arrived. kayla tried to appear casual and shrugged her shoulders. “todd invited me!” veronica smiled. “oh, i see, you’re trying to surprise landon!” kayla’s brow furrowed in confusion. “surprise landon?”

it was veronica’s turn to look confused. “yeah, we’re all here for his birthday…” kayla groaned. “i’m sorry veronica, will you excuse me?” she huffed over to todd determined to get some answers. “todd?” she asked not bothering to hide her irritation. “did you fail to mention that this was a birthday party?” todd played innocent. “well, yeah, you knew it was landon’s birthday. i figured i’d make this little get together into a party as well. it’s not a big thing.” he narrowed his eyes. “why should it matter? you and landon are friends right?” she’d never be able to explain her relationship with landon and where it stood at the moment to todd. hell, she had never been able to explain their relationship. licking her lips, kayla shook her head as if she’d overreacted. “you’re right. i just wish i knew so i could’ve gotten him a present.” she flashed todd a cheeky grin and then started to turn. “wait, you wanna drink?” “yeah, sure,” replied kayla blandly. she grabbed a margarita someone had made, never being a fan of beer, and chugged it; oblivious towards any sort of drinking etiquette at the moment. todd laughed. “you want another one?” her face reddened; not realizing she’d been so obvious. “sure, i’ll just take a wine cooler though this time,” she said nonchalantly. taking this drink in small sips, she walked back over to veronica and some other women to small talk. all were fascinated that she was here with todd instead of landon. kayla pretended that it shouldn’t be a big deal because it wasn’t like her and landon were ever dating, but her glib comment only resulted in several “yeah right,” expressions. “so he really must not be that great in bed!” cackled one of the women. veronica gave kayla an apologetic look; remembering her crude comment the first time they met. kayla puffed up her chest and said determinedly, “well strange as it might be to some of you, i never slept with him.” “oh my god! is he gay?” screeched one lady. kayla spit her drink out in shock and then immediately started apologizing, but the circle of women were all laughing too hard to be offended anyway. between trying to recover her composure and laughing hysterically, kayla shook her head emphatically. “no!” “what’s so funny ladies?” kayla recognized todd’s voice behind them. “nothing,” they all said at once giggling like hyenas. kayla was still snickering so hard she didn’t notice that todd had put his arm around her at the precise moment a certain someone had come through the front door and spotted her.

landon felt the bile rise up in his throat when he noticed the attractive and petite blonde that todd had his arm latched onto was kayla. todd looked up when he saw landon come through the door and smugly tightened his grip. “it’s the birthday boy!” he shouted. kayla’s laughter died that instant as her gaze followed todd’s; her eyes locking with landon’s infuriated and intense orbs. she peered over at the arm todd had around her unsure of what move to make next. everyone rushed over to greet landon, but he didn’t notice, his eyes barely left kayla’s. how had todd weaseled her into coming over and why? landon knew why, though; todd wanted to rub it in his face and with that realization, landon knew the man no longer resembled the definition of friend in any sense of the word. he looked at him in disgust and hissed, “what the hell is she doing here!?” todd feigned ignorance. “hey, she’s my date. i didn’t think you’d mind.” landon leaned his face in closer trying to keep his voice low. “i told you to stay away from her. she’s not that kind of girl.” todd narrowed his eyes; thoroughly enjoying the covetous look written all over landon’s face. “kayla’s all grown up. i think she can make her own decisions.” landon shook his head slowly. “be careful, todd,” he threatened and brushed by him as he hauled over to where kayla was still frozen. he grabbed her arm. “c’mon, i’m taking you home,” he demanded. kayla slapped his arm away. “excuse me!?” she asked incredulously. “i told you to stay away from him, what are doing here?” he whispered fully aware of all the people that were beginning to stare. the alcohol suddenly kicked in and her face started to flush. “hey look!” she spat at him while poking him in the chest. “for your information, i didn’t know this little shindig was a birthday party for you! he just invited me over and i-i cept- accepted.” she stood on her tip-toes and brought her face in closer to his to make her next point, but lost her balance. quickly regaining her composure, she realized the intimidating thing wasn’t working too well; not that she ever had any chance of intimidating landon. “why…should you care anyway?” she asked trying to narrow her eyes. even when she was angry and tipsy, she was still sexy. landon wanted to throw her down, smother her with his body and shove his tongue in her mouth. “landon, i’d hate to think you were harassing my date,” todd interrupted placing an arm around kayla once again. landon balled up his fists, but looked around at all of the gawkers. he reassured himself that todd wouldn’t try anything amongst all the guests. he’d have to calm down and

pretend to enjoy himself; accepting the fact he’d talk to kayla when he was more under control... when she was more under control. at that moment the lights went out and everyone started singing ‘happy birthday,’ as someone carried out a large cake blazing with candles. landon and kayla continued to stare each other down like two boxers sizing each other up in the ring. “haappy birrr-thdaay, deeear fresh-man…” he was shaken out of his trance when someone urged him to make a wish. landon smiled half-heartedly realizing that his only wish probably would never come true, but what the hell? he made it and blew out the candles. everyone clapped and someone started the music. one of landon’s old acquaintances grabbed him. “i get the first dance with the birthday boy!” she boasted draping herself all over him. she didn’t fit in his body the way that kayla did. landon looked at the girl as if she’d grown three heads and one of them was trying to bite him, but he gave in. one dance. that’s it. disgusted at seeing another woman all over landon, kayla bumped into people as she rushed upstairs to the nearest bathroom. todd eyes followed her. he looked around to make sure no one would miss him and he inconspicuously trailed after her. surprised at how dizzy she felt, kayla realized she hadn’t really eaten anything all day. once in the bathroom, she grabbed a washcloth, drenched it with cold water, and then patted her flushed face with it. i’m not gonna cry, i’m not gonna cry…she reprimanded herself. seeing him only served as a painful reminder of how in love she still was with him. taking a deep breath and calming down, kayla fluffed up her hair and made sure she didn’t have any mascara smudges under her eyes. satisfied, she opened the door and nearly pissed her pants. “todd! you scared me!” she said clutching her chest. he smiled. “sorry ‘bout that. c’mere,” he beckoned to her and caught the hesitation in her eyes. “hey,” he said lightly. “i just wanna show something off. can you let me indulge my ego for a bit?” kayla smiled feeling stupid and laughed. “sure,” she replied following him. he coaxed her into to his bedroom a couple doors down and turned on the light before shutting the door behind him and subtly locking it as he boasted, “i have the most amazing view of the lake!” he tugged her over to the french double doors, opened them and led her through. the cool air felt good, kayla realized as she gazed out onto the lake. all the ice houses were gone. it had vague signs of melting, but the lakes never totally melted until well into april, and even then, they didn’t warm up until around june.

“so i hear you and landon do a lot of water skiing out here,” kayla commented remembering one of landon’s hobbies. todd walked up behind her. “speaking of landon…” he started. “what’s going on with him? you know, he hasn’t quite been the same since he met you. he swears off women right and left and yet claims you two are no more than friends.” kayla registered todd’s comment. he’s really sworn off other women since me? she wanted to ask hopefully. instead she played dumb. “i don’t know,” was all she could manage to say. todd took a step closer until her back was touching his body. he leaned over her and planted his hands on either side of the porch railing, trapping her between them. kayla’s heart started racing, but not the way it would’ve if it had been landon standing there instead of todd. she could feel his breath on her neck. it seemed to coat her like a glaze of ice. she gathered that he was about three sheets to the wind by now. mean, vindictive drunk, she remembered. why couldn’t todd be weepy, sentimental drunk like landon? “what is it about you, kayla…huh?” he whispered. her mind raced in an effort to find a way out of the situation. she laughed nervously and slowly turned to face him. “i um…” she couldn’t think. oh god, help me. the smell of todd’s breath was nauseating; the way he leered at her. he looked like a fox about to pounce on the unsuspecting bunny rabbit. “we should probably get back to the party!” she stated excitedly trying to duck under todd’s arm. he caught her. “i don’t wanna go back to the party, kayla,” he hissed in her ear. todd was more than twice her size; she didn’t want to make him angry and began to feel extremely ill. maybe she could puke all over him. “i’m sorry, todd, i don’t kiss on the first date!” she tried to joke. todd looked at her mouth and then back into her eyes. “i do,” he simply stated and began lowering his mouth on hers. kayla bit her lip and tried pulling her head back to avoid contact. “todd, please,” she begged. he chuckled. “you know, landon said you’d put up a fight. i like it that way.” and he slammed his lips against hers. kayla tried pushing him back and let out a muffled scream. he responded by tightening his hold and working his hands up her shirt. he was too strong. she took the heel of her boot and slammed it into his foot. todd released his grasp for a split second and cursed as kayla made her move, but it wasn’t quick enough. “bitch!” he cried and grabbed her by the hair. he couldn’t believe

she was rejecting him. kayla cried for help, but her scream was cut off as todd jerked her head back and smothered his free hand over her mouth. “aw…c’mon…don’t do that,” he breathed into her ear. his voice dropped seductively as if convinced she really wanted him and was only playing hard to get. this isn’t happening. she took her hands and began groping behind her head trying to scratch his face or his hands. go for the eyes, go for the eyes! when that didn’t work, with all her strength she elbowed him in the stomach. that at least loosened his grip and she whirled around kneeing him in the groin, but not hard enough, apparently. todd grabbed his crotch, but still had time to instinctively take his free hand and whip it across kayla’s cheek. convinced her eyes had popped out of her skull, kayla’s palm sprung up to caress where he had hit her, but she lost her balance and everything started to get blurry. her head crashed against something hard and then it seemed like all the lights went out. todd looked up for a moment at the bedroom door; someone was yelling and trying to get in and immediately recognized the voice. he cursed to himself and turned his gaze back at kayla in time to see her knock her head against his dresser. how did this happen? he panicked. things weren’t supposed to end up like this. ---------landon had spent his ‘birthday’ dance furtively darting his eyes around trying to locate kayla. he spotted todd for a split second and relaxed seeing that she wasn’t anywhere near him. the girl he was with kept having to repeat her questions. landon just kept uttering: “huh?” when the song ended, he pried her arms from his neck, much to her disappointment and began darting around. terror seized him when he didn’t see kayla…or todd. if he lays one finger on her…he started to boil up inside. he began interrogating people. “where’s kayla? did you see where todd went!? are you people blind?” someone sort of waved their hand in the direction of the stairs and landon bolted up them. he thought he heard someone scream but couldn’t be sure. the fear welled up inside of him; certain that his heart was going to rupture. landon heard todd swear behind his bedroom door and he ran to open it. it was locked. he slammed his fist into it cursing loudly. “open up the door, todd!” he demanded while he continued to thrash all of his body weight into it. finally, with the help of his adrenaline rush, he broke the door open on his second kick. the first thing he saw was kayla, lying lifeless on the floor. like a massive tsunami crashing onto the shore, the wicked memory completely toppled him over… “mom!” the house was eerily silent. usually anna was in the kitchen, making him something to eat before hockey practice. something didn’t feel right. “mom!” landon

yelled once more. her car had been in the garage, so he knew she had to be somewhere in the house. mitch usually never came home till about nine or ten so landon assumed that he had nothing to do with the stillness throughout the house. why did he feel so scared? he took the stairs to the second floor two by two and threw his backpack in his room as he glanced down the hall at his mother’s room. she hadn’t shared one with mitch in five years. the door was cracked open. he nervously walked over and tapped it lightly. “mom?” he whispered. slowly pushing the door back, he noticed that her room was immaculately clean which was unusual because she had never been much of a housekeeper. he surveyed the surroundings and noticed an envelope propped up on her dresser. it was addressed to him. shaking, landon reached over and slowly opened the letter. ‘my dearest landon, the love of my life, if i was brought here on this earth for the sole purpose of being your mother, than that was the greatest honor anyone could have ever given me…’ landon felt tears well up in his eyes. “no…” he whispered and forced himself to read the rest of the letter. ‘you have made my life. never could i have dreamed to have such a beautiful boy as you. you made me proud. not because of your talent, but because of your character. my love, it pains me to write this, but i have not lived up to the duty that a mother should have. i wish i could have been everything you deserved and i’m sorry for all the pain you’ve endured because of me. but you are the strongest person i know. if only i had half your strength to go on, but i don’t. please forgive me, but i know that you will be much better off without me. i know you might not understand, but later in life you would’ve grown to resent me and i just couldn’t bear that. cherish the memories we made. marry the woman of your dreams, knowing i will be happily smiling down upon you and your children. even when i’m gone, still remember that i’ll love you forever…like you for always…forever my baby you’ll be. all my heart, mom.’ landon cried in anguish. “no!” he looked over at the door leading to her bathroom and rushed over to it. it was locked. he began kicking it, over and over. “mom!” he screamed. the door finally gave way and he saw anna passed out on the floor. he looked around the bathroom; there were bottles upon empty bottles of pills and booze strewn everywhere. he fell to his knees beside her and picked her up in his arms rocking her back and forth,

sobbing… landon rushed over to kayla and kneeled down to scoop her body into his arms. smoothing her hair away, he saw the flaming red hue stamped on her cheek from where todd hit her. he was certain she wasn’t breathing “landon, is she—?” landon’s head shot up to look at todd. his eyes grew as wide as saucers and he snapped. “bastard!” he screamed lunging after him, his fist making contact with todd’s face. he then picked todd up by his shirt to hold him upright as his knuckles cracked into his nose. “what did you do!?” throwing todd’s dead weight up against the wall and holding him in place with one hand, landon didn’t feel his knuckles snap against todd’s cheekbone or his eye socket; ignoring the blood that shot out of his mouth with his next punch and sprayed against the wall and all over landon. he continued to scream curses at todd with each successive blow. unable to hold him up any longer, todd slid down the wall unconscious and landon began using his legs to finish the job. the haze of his black rage began dissolving once he felt dozens of arms prying him away from what was left of todd and shouting at him. completely hysterical, his gaze turned back to her body still lying on the floor. kayla. her eyelids fluttered open and her hand immediately flew up to the back of her head as she tried to get up. “no, no! don’t move, kayla!” she shifted her eyes; surprised to see veronica’s face. the next face she saw was landon’s, except she barely recognized him; he was flushed and his eyes were twice the size they normally seemed to be; and the look in them… like a wild animal frightened to death from being caught in the headlights of oncoming traffic. he nearly passed out from sheer relief when her eyes opened. immediately, his hands and lips caressed her face in the midst of mumbling, “oh god…baby, it’s okay…i’ve got you…everything’s fine now…” kayla closed her eyes and felt someone lift her off the ground; the pulsating ache on the back of her head almost unbearable until she recognized the scent of the person carrying her; it was landon. she relaxed and her arms instinctively wrapped around his neck tightly. he rushed her downstairs and out the door. veronica followed them outside a few minutes later. as landon was about to place kayla in his car, she exclaimed, “landon! her purse and jacket!” he smiled weakly at veronica as she placed them in his back seat. “thanks, veronica.” “is she going to be okay? god, i can’t believe this! you’d better drag his sorry ass into court for attempted rape!” she screamed.

still holding kayla in his arms, he closed his eyes and nuzzled her cheek with his chin, surprised at what he was about to say. “veronica...will you make sure he’s okay? i’m not sure how much damage i did.” veronica gasped. “landon, why should you care how he’s doing!?” he closed his eyes. “please,” he whispered. “everyone here knows what he did; i doubt they’re going to let him off easy.” confused, veronica slowly nodded her head, “serves him right though…” she started, but then closed her mouth. landon carefully placed kayla in the passenger side worried she might break and buckled her in. she smiled at him gratefully and closed her eyes again still feeling woozy. he leaned over and kissed her forehead before walking around to the other side and getting in. “promise to have her call me, okay?” asked veronica. landon nodded as he closed his door and started up the car. he looked over at kayla as he was driving. she was tired, but her eyes stared back at his with a mixture of emotions. neither one knew what to say to each other. though they were mere inches away from one another, it felt like a world apart.

when he pulled up to her house, landon glanced over and panicked for a moment when he saw her eyes were closed. “kayla!” they fluttered open. “hmm?” he smiled in relief and reached out tenderly to caress her cheek. kayla tried not to shiver from his ginger touch. the way he looked at her was confusing. it was as if she could see a battleground in his expression; the two enemies duking it out as the muscles tensed on his face and jaw. he finally cast his eyes away from her and laid his head on the steering wheel once again trying to catch his breath. kayla’s head hurt too much to ask what he was thinking. besides, she had a pretty good idea landon wouldn’t know what he was thinking either. she unfastened her seat belt and made a move to open the door. “no, no! stay there!” kayla jumped. the tone in his voice made it sound like she was going to set off a bomb if

she touched the handle. he burst out the door without bothering to close it and raced around the front to help her out on the passenger side. if she wasn’t still slightly perplexed and irritated with him, she might have laughed at his awkward gestures of reaching; trying to figure out the proper way to touch her so he could help her out of the car. kayla rolled her eyes in exasperation. “landon, i’m fine. i can walk by myself,” and she lowered herself down. landon quickly grabbed her purse and jacket out of the back seat, slammed all the doors shut and handed them to her. things still looked fuzzy, but kayla just shook her head as landon helped her put on her jacket. “thanks,” she whispered. “i-i’m gonna come in with you,” he insisted. his over protectiveness bordered on the edge of annoying. “look, landon, i know i probably won’t be able to thank you enough for tonight…but…but, you can go ahead and say ‘i told you so, todd was a lousy date after all’ and go home. you don’t have to waste your time with me anymore.” ouch. it hurt to talk. the tears she’d been holding back all night burst out of her; tears of fright at what nearly happened and tears of bewilderment. landon wrapped his arms around her, refusing to let her pull away as she cried. “c’mere, little one. you know i’d never say that.” he rested his cheek on the top of her head feeling the softness of her hair. “this is all my fault,” he whispered and pulled away so he could look into her eyes; his favorite pair of eyes. then he saw the bruise todd had left on her cheek and felt his stomach recoil in anger and rage once more. he barely touched her cheek; afraid he might hurt her. “let’s go put some ice on that.” kayla pulled away and caught sight of the blood on landon’s shirt. “you’re bleeding?” she asked weakly. landon glanced down noticing the stains and then back up into her eyes. “i sorta went postal and kicked the shit out of todd. i thought you were dead.” kayla averted her eyes from his. was she supposed to thank him? tears sprung to her eyes again. “c’mon.” landon gently placed his palm in the center of her back guiding toward the house. once clive was finished greeting them, kayla took off her boots and coat and moped into her bedroom while landon went and got some ice out of the freezer. her bed had never looked so inviting, but her cheek still stung and she felt a knot forming on the back of her skull where she had smashed into the dresser. she carefully laid herself

down on her comforter just as landon was coming back in with the ice. he kicked off his shoes and crawled up next to her in bed. lying on his side, he cradled his arm around the top of her head and used the other one to place the ice on her cheek. when she winced, landon grimaced as if could feel her very nerve endings himself. he took the hand positioned above her and began playing with her hair as he gazed at her longingly. “you sure i shouldn’t take you into the hospital?” kayla closed her eyes and slowly shook her head. the way he caressed her hair was lulling her to sleep. it was an incredibly soothing touch; she never wanted him to stop. “i’m fine, landon. why don’t you go home…i’ll be all right.” landon turned his eyes away from her and looked down in disappointment. “i don’t…i don’t want to leave you.” the tears stung her eyes again. he can’t do this to me. he can’t reject me one moment and then want to stay with me the next. “landon you don’t have to feel sorry for me.” “feel sorry for you!?” landon gasped. “kayla, i lo—” he cut himself off. kayla, i love you, he finished silently. there were other things he fought to restrain himself from confessing. he wanted to tell her that the thought of her not in this world was so insufferable, but took in a deep breath instead, wiped her tears and pleaded. “don’t argue with me?” her eyelids grew heavy. “fine.” she didn’t have the energy to fight with him. landon watched kayla intently as her eyes began to lose the struggle to stay open and he continued to caress her hair delicately. “that feels good,” she mumbled and a tiny smile escaped from her lips. after about ten minutes, he took the ice away from her cheek and watched her breast slowly rise and fall in a deep slumber. he traced his finger over her lips and lay his head down next to her; watching, making sure she was still breathing. what would he have ever done if he had lost her? what if todd had gotten to her? landon clenched his eyes shut in raw fury. he should’ve torn todd into shreds and castrated him on the spot for even thinking he could lay a hand on her. “kayla?” he whispered. she didn’t respond. confident she couldn’t hear him, he safely confessed, “everything i said the night you came over was a lie. i just know you deserve someone better; someone who can share your beliefs. i’m such a confused mess, little one…you know that right? you know i could never be good enough for you.” he found his voice crack and the emotions sweep over him as he recalled the agonizing horror that consumed him when he thought she was dead. “but how the hell can i live without you?” he resumed playing with her hair gently and let out a soft, tearful laugh. “that night you saved my life? i thought you were some kind of an angel…” he smiled and leaned over to

kiss her temple. “i was right.” carefully, landon took a deep breath and picked himself up from off the bed and left her bedroom door open a crack as he walked out into the living room and sunk into the sofa. clive immediately jumped up next to him and crawled up to lay on landon’s lap. he dropped his head back to rest as he pet her dog. what was he going to do? i was a fool for thinking i could stay away from her, he moaned inwardly. look at what his actions had driven her to do? he hadn’t been able to keep her away from that scumbag he once knew as todd. he probably taunted her about me to get her to go with him…lying son of a bitch. the panic welled up again at the thought of what todd might have done to kayla if he hadn’t been there; hadn’t gotten to her fast enough. he was helpless towards the love he had for her and dreamed of what it could be like if she felt the same. what if that night she asked me to make love to her was just because she was vulnerable and didn’t really mean it? landon tried to tell himself it didn’t matter. they weren’t meant to be together anyway. he remembered what she had told him one time about love; how it has to be given and taken freely. “that’s what’s so beautiful about it,” she had said; her eyes dancing and her voice beginning to burn with that familiar passion. “would you really want to be with someone who was forced to love you and not as a result of their own choice? would you want to be with someone who didn’t love you the way you loved him or her?” and then she had smiled as if off in her own private reverie. “god’s love is the most romantic the world has ever known.” she giggled like a schoolgirl smitten with her crush when she talked about her faith. he remembered thinking it was strange to view god as some kind of a lover. “landon, isn’t it comforting to know that we don’t have to put expectations like that on humans? knowing that though they try their best, and bless their hearts for doing so, they can’t ever love the way god loves. he is love, after all. if he wasn’t real and we were here on this earth for no reason other than random particles colliding together, how did we ever come up with such a concept on our own? how strange would it be if our universe had no purpose and accidentally created humans who were obsessed with purpose? did you ever think about that lan?” landon closed his eyes softly replaying her sweet voice in his mind: “did you ever think about that lan?” but the truth of the matter was landon found it down right difficult to see god the way kayla did; as her “knight in shining armor.” men were raised to be macho in this world; they’re the ones who rescued the damsels in distress, right? but everyone, male or female, young or old, regardless of race and ethnicity needed a knight in shining armor; someone to save them from this earth; from themselves and the distorted worldview they had created. in a way, kayla had already rescued him when he never even knew he needed rescuing. exhausted from the thoughts ruminating in his mind, landon soon found himself fast asleep.

--------the first thing kayla noticed when she awoke was that her head felt twice the size as normal. she winced once more in pain as she looked down and saw herself clad in the same outfit from the previous night. a shower had never been this appealing. she squinted her eyes and noticed it was about 6:45. clumsily making her way to the bathroom, she stripped her clothes off on the way and popped some advil in her mouth before jumping in the shower. the water oddly enough seemed to wash away the remnants of last night. kayla shuddered at the thought of todd. she had only blacked out for a second it seemed before looking up to see landon’s face contorted into an expression of sheer terror. and she remembered the way he kissed her; told everything was all right. kayla justified that anyone probably would have reacted the same. it still stood that he’d told her he didn’t want to even be friends or see her anymore and it once again made her aggravated that he felt sorry for her. the water started getting cold; she’d probably been in there a good thirty minutes. stepping out, she wiped herself down and combed through her wet tresses; taking note that her cheek was still a bit bruised; hopefully nothing that a bit of make-up couldn’t conceal. slipping into her robe she headed for the kitchen to make some coffee, but stopped short when she saw landon asleep on the couch; hair messy, shirt un-tucked, socks and shoes kicked off. she couldn’t resist the tiny smile that nudged at the corners of her mouth when she saw that clive had curled up at his feet at the end of the sofa. apparently, he had grown rather fond of landon. she tiptoed over and grabbed the afghan that was draped over the couch. kayla opened it up and gently laid it over him. kneeling down close to his face, she sighed wishing things could be different between them. he’s so beautiful... kayla rose to her feet, about to make her way to the kitchen when she felt a tug at her bathrobe. turning around, she saw he was awake. “i’m sorry,” she whispered kneeling back down beside him. “i didn’t mean to wake you.” landon smiled at her and his eyes wandered from her face down to the rest of her body. kayla bit her lip shyly and tightened up her robe realizing she had tied it in a careless fashion, probably leaving little to his over-active, adolescent imagination. he continued to take the sight of her in, wishing her face could be the first one he saw every morning. kayla returned his smile awkwardly wondering why he hadn’t said anything yet. “you didn’t have to spend the night, silly,” she scolded him gently. landon propped himself up on his elbow and shrugged. “clive propositioned me,” he stated with a smirk hoping he could get her to giggle. it was like music to his soul. he reached out and prodded her nose adoringly with his finger and then let it trail down her cheek. “i wanted to stay.”

kayla sighed, unsure of what to make of his statement and adoration. he wanted to because he pities me? or he wanted to because he really wanted to! landon registered the flash of misunderstanding and hurt in her eyes. “what is it?” kayla stared at the floor. “landon, i don’t understand. i’d rather have you leave now than to stay here and pity me…that almost hurts worse than when you turned me away that night,” she confessed painfully. the reminder of the damage he’d caused sent another pang of agony through him. he’d never be able to explain why he did what he did. “i’m so sorry…i have my reasons for why i did that, but don’t you dare believe for a second i’m here because i feel guilty or because i feel sorry for you.” kayla eyed him cautiously. “you confuse the hell outta me, landon…i don’t get you,” she breathed. he smirked. “i don’t get me either.” “so now what?” “maybe, we could start over?” he attempted. kayla rolled her eyes and leaned her head to the side as she shook it. “i’m not sure what you mean by that.” “i’m sorry.” landon paused. “my intentions aren’t to toy with you.” “than what are your intentions?” she asked forcefully, trying tohide the desperation in her voice. landon didn’t say anything for a couple of seconds and then looked her straight in the eye. “my intentions…” he started, “are to put what’s best for you first and foremost.” she shook her head in protest. “landon, you can’t decide what is and what isn’t best for me.” “i know that i’m not the best for you.” a wave of sympathy and adoration washed over her face. “don’t be so hard on yourself.” shoving away the feelings he had for her, he sucked in a deep breath. “so can you blame the other night on temporary insanity and still consider me a friend?” kayla narrowed her eyes thinking; wondering what was really going on in his head. was it that easy for him to erase the memory of that night? but knowing she couldn’t stand not having him in her life at least to some degree, she gave in and nodded feebly. landon breathed a sigh of relief. “i have to skate at ten.” he stated rising to his feet. “wanna come to the game?”

kayla shook her head. “hafta work.” “yeah…i’d better go home. are…you going to church tomorrow?” she nodded and rose to walk away, but turned around with a look of deep sincerity in her eyes. “you coming?” he shrugged and nodded. “landon?” “hmm?” “thank you,” her eyes revealing the passionate gratitude she had for what he did for her last night. he nodded humbly; understanding everything she meant by those two words, wishing he could tell her he’d do anything for her, but words paled in comparison to what his eyes were able to communicate. ---------as usual, landon and kayla met outside later the next morning before walking into the church building together. amanda and peter greeted them. her expression communicated a pleasant and a somewhat suspicious surprise considering that kayla told her landon was no longer in the picture and that she apparently had a date with todd two nights ago. kayla smiled and replied silently to her friend’s quizzical look that the explanation would come later. realizing she’d have to be satisfied with that response for the time being, amanda turned to landon telling him it was good to see him again. “wow, can you believe you’re finally going to be married in one month?” kayla shrieked excitedly. “no…thirty three days!” amanda joined in the squealing excitement as her and kayla clasped hands and bounced up and down like someone had pressed the “go” button and they were off like little energizer bunnies. peter and landon watched the girls exchange for a moment and then caught each other’s eye uncomfortably. “hey…” landon covered his heart with a hand, “…inside, peter…man, i…i’m just doin’ cartwheels for you two…honestly….” peter chuckled and rolled his eyes as he prodded amanda into the sanctuary with landon and kayla following.

“hey,” she whispered to landon as they sat down. “i never got you a birthday present.” he reached over and lovingly pinched her nose. “your presence is present enough.” “that’s my line.” “doesn’t make it any less true.” she blushed. after the typical formalities, the pastor got up to speak about heaven; about eternal life. “so how do you get to heaven?” he asked the congregation. “because the majority of us, whether or not we’re very religious, probably believe in some kind of life beyond this, right? so wouldn’t it make sense that the nice people get to have a nice, happy, eternal lives and the bad people should get the opposite? or maybe we’re all just delusional and our actions don’t really matter in the long run. but let me tell you the truth. “in the book of luke, chapter ten, verse twenty-five, an expert of the law stood up and asked jesus a question. back then an expert was someone who knew the law of the ten commandments inside and out…and then some. he asked, ‘teacher, what must i do to inherit eternal life?’ jesus responded with another question, ‘what is written in the law, how do you read it?’ the expert replied: ‘love the lord your god with all your heart, soul, strength and mind. and love your neighbor as yourself.’ and jesus pretty much says, ‘yup, that’s the right answer, so go and do this and you will have eternal life.’ but the man wanted to justify his actions… because are there really any of us who can claim we’ve done that? “remember the ten commandments? most people you’ll find think that these are decent enough rules to live by; only ten…that’s not too many right? i mean there’s the easy ones…like don’t kill…don’t steal…don’t take the lord’s name in vain….some of us can say we haven’t done that. do you think these commandments came from god as stipulations for eternal life? let me tell you again what scripture says. in galatians, chapter three, verse ten, this is what it says about those who try to obey the law. it say’s ‘all who rely on observing the law are cursed! clearly no one is justified before god by the law because the righteous will live by faith.’ “okay…” the pastor paused for a moment. “now…see, here’s where the excuse of ‘but i’m a good person,’ doesn’t hold up. because you’re not! no one is! what happens in the game if you don’t obey the rules? you get punished!” landon glanced over at kayla. he remembered her example of the referee sitting in the penalty box for his personal foul if he didn’t play by the rules. the pastor continued. “now…some of you might ask ‘why can’t god just forgive? he asks us to forgive others. well here’s a quick synopsis of why…it’s because god is a just god. for him to put a law in place and then not follow through on a punishment would cease to make him just. “the law was brought about to destroy any confidence we have in the human ability to

please god. romans seven, verse seven, paul states that ‘indeed i would not have known what sin was except through the law.’ so when jesus stated that the greatest commandment was ‘love the lord your god with all your heart, soul, strength and mind and love your neighbor as yourself…’ he gave the example of the good samaritan. everyone hated the samaritans back in those days and vice versa, but what does the good samaritan do? he saves the life of his enemy. if you were the person beaten and left to die on the side of the road, wouldn’t you like it if someone came, took you to a hotel, bandaged your wounds and then paid for you to stay there? yeah, i would. ask yourself if you really treat others that way including your enemies…all the time. because if you’ve broken one part of the law you’ve broken it all. “it doesn’t matter if you are mother theresa, if you don’t accept by faith that jesus christ died to take the place of the punishment you deserved for not honoring the greatest commandment, then no…you will not receive eternal life.” landon grew extremely agitated at the pastor’s words. standing up abruptly, he made his way out of the seats and into the aisle. once outside, he fought the urge to scream in indignation. kayla waited a few minutes not wanting to cause too much of a scene, grabbed her belongings and dashed outside in search of landon. he was sitting on the bench, elbows on his knees, hands clutching his hair as if he wanted to tear out every last piece. “landon?” kayla asked cautiously as she slowly made her way towards him. he looked up at her; the pain and disturbance apparent in his eyes. “this is bullshit, kayla! this is what you believe in!?” kayla froze. landon continued as if he were trying to hold back his tears. “my father can rot in hell for all i care, but not my mother! she does not deserve… that!” he kept shaking his head. “she didn’t believe?” kayla asked in a shaky whisper almost as a statement. “i don’t know!” landon cried in irritation. “why should it really matter!? huh, kayla!? your so called religion is what’s keeping us apart too and for what!?” he stood up abruptly and began pacing. kayla felt numb. that was it. there was no other way to describe it. maybe she might start crying any second or maybe she might start pounding her fists into landon for insulting the one truth in her life that had yet to fail her. she squared her jaw ready to scream back at him. “what do you want me to say, landon? life isn’t fair? it’s not! i hate that it’s not! you think i don’t agonize about what happens to those who have never accepted the gospel? i mean what about children? what about the mentally handicapped, those that have their lives taken from them all too soon? the-the people born in other countries whowho have never even heard of jesus? my father, my brothers, they don’t believe…landon you’re not alone!”

he planted his hands on his hips and bowed his head breathing in deeply and then turned suddenly with his gaze piercing arrows into kayla’s heart. “do you know how badly i wanted to make love to you that night?” kayla’s heart caught in her throat in reaction to his random statement; not sure if she would be able to continue breathing or if it would be better to keel over right then. “why didn’t you?” she asked slowly and barely above a whisper as she remembered the passion and humiliation of that fateful encounter. landon tore his eyes away from her. “because, i may not believe in what you believe…but i believe that you do. i wasn’t going to take that away from you…no matter how…” his voice cracked and he stared up into the sky. she tilted her head and swallowed slowly trying to digest the gravity of his words; trying to fully understand what he meant. “landon…everything about me…is because of my faith. what i think you desire in me…is only a reflection of what i know to be true; to be the only truth; not just true because it fits my lifestyle. i don’t believe in many truths. i believe in one. god never gave us options to get to heaven and he revealed who he was to us on earth unlike any other god because…because of his very nature he wanted us to know true happiness.” kayla wished the lump in her throat could be shoved back down. breathe kayla. “…being with you would make me so happy….” there goes one tear. landon opened his mouth to reverberate her affirmation. and another… god, sometimes i hate being such a girl. kayla held up her hand. “please… let me finish.” he nodded somberly. “but it’d only be a temporary happiness landon. because you’d never be able to share with me the unending source of that happiness and joy…and love…” she lowered her head and watched a tear fall melting the ice on the walk. “we could never be one,” she whispered. “kayla…” “no!” she lifted her face and refused to let him interrupt. kayla narrowed her eyes almost angrily. “so go ahead landon and tell me that the kind of love i believe in is just bullshit, but i don’t! you may think it’s not fair that god doesn’t want to spend eternity with people who don’t love him or the fact that he died for us because of that love, but i do! i don’t know what happened to your mother. only god does. but as horrible as this is to say, i can’t be concerned with trying to figure out who is going to heaven and who’s not. all i can do is try to show people the kind of love that i believe god has shown me…that i believe he’s trying to show you…” she choked on the last word and turned to find the bench so she could support her shaking legs. landon slowly walked over and sat down next to her; afraid that if he as so much breathed on her, she would blow away…like the wind; just as quickly as she had come into his life, she’d be gone. he craved to take her in his arms and hold her for the rest of his life,

but instead settled for reaching out to hold her tiny little hand in his. “kayla,” he squeezed his eyes shut. “i won’t lose you…” the words fell from his lips in utmost desperation. she sniffled and turned her head to look at him. “landon,” she almost smiled. “you can’t lose me. i don’t belong to you. i never did. i never will. i belong to someone who i can’t even prove exists, i just believe he does.” she shook her head and as she stared at the hand landon was holding gingerly in his own. he had big hands. it did seem he could protect her from anything, but that was simply a romantic illusion she wanted to buy into. with his free hand landon tilted her face up so he could look at her. he needed to see in her eyes more than just what her words were saying. “don’t you know, landon?” the corners of her lips turned up in a melancholy smile. “we’re only a temporary loan from god. something happened a long time ago that separated us from him, but eventually we get to go back home. who knows if i’ll even remember what life was like here once i’m gone. there’s nothing i can take with me. i’m not even sure if i can take any of my memories with me.” kayla smoothed her gray skirt and stood up with landon still clasping her fingers. he rose to his feet as well afraid to let her go and continued to gaze at her. he’d never felt this confused before. he couldn’t see god, but he could see her; couldn’t feel god, but could feel her. grabbing kayla by the shoulders he leaned his forehead against hers. his stifling presence ignited the familiar fast pace of her heart and she was unsure of how to respond to his actions. one minute he was arguing with her, the next…he was holding onto her as if his very life depended on it. she felt the warmth of his breath on her lips and attempted to pull away from him. landon didn’t relent. instead he tightened his grip, squeezed his eyes shut: “kayla… i tried to stay away from you, i can't, i just can't....i want you so bad…” he breathed. her heart dropped into her stomach from the intense ardor in his voice; like the hundred foot free-fall of a roller coaster and her mind and body echoed the very same sentiment. he was so agonizing to her; she shook her head and tried to conceal her trembling. placing her palms on his chest, she gently pushed herself away from him. “i am not the answer you’re looking for.” “are you telling me you have no feelings for me at all?” he cried desperately. kayla turned away. “i didn’t say that….and you know that’s not true…ugh...” did any two people ever have such a bizarre relationship? she needed to get away from him. it was difficult for her to even breathe. landon grabbed her wrist in obvious distress. “i need you, kayla…i need you,” he pleaded making sure his eyes bore deeply into hers. if only he had the nerve to tell her he loved her. if only he could make her see that it shouldn't matter what he or she believed in. he'd never known true happiness and she was the closest thing to it. she wiped her tears in anguish and shook her hand loose from his grasp. this was going

nowhere. it felt like a hopeless round-about situation with no end in sight. and it hurt too much. “i have to go, landon.” her voice trembled with the last words she uttered to him as she backed up. “please…just leave me alone,” her voice choked and she turned to run towards her car, her tiny legs jogging quickly in the black heels with her gold curls swaying behind.

he was shaken out of his painful reverie as he heard the congregation sing the closing worship songs. people would start milling out soon and he didn’t feel like sticking around to talk to anyone. he dug his keys out from his pocket and headed to his car. he thought about her words on his way home. “i am not the answer you’re looking for.” what am i looking for? kayla certainly seemed to be everything that he was missing in his life, but why? why her… when all of his existence he had tried everything else? she brought him the one pleasure he never could have imagined in this life and yet she intensely denied that it had anything to do with her. was it really her faith he was drawn to and not just simply who she was? because he didn’t think he could go on living without her; without her crazy little quirks, stupid obsession over animals, adorable smile and no one would ever be able to replicate that magnificent giggle of hers. “landon, everything about me is because of my faith.” but there was a feeling tugging inside his gut...the same feeling he had at christmas. something inside would still feel empty even if they were together. he remembered they had gone out for coffee one night when she was post-call and on their way out to the parking lot she stopped; mesmerized by the way the wind had suddenly picked up and blew a pile of dry leaves around in the parking lot. they swirled like a tornado and escalated into the air. “landon?” she stated his name breathlessly; amazement radiated from her being like a small child. “yeah?” he loved just watching her; could do it for hours and never tire. “you know what chesterton said about god one time?” “who’s chesterton?” he asked. “oh…some guy…” she stated nonchalantly still in her daze. “anyway, he said god is like a little kid.” she turned to look at him and smiled. “you know how kids never get bored? everything is new even after the fiftieth time? like reading a story to them and when you’re finished they keep asking you to read it again, and again…?” landon was quite amused by now; having absolutely no idea where she was headed with

this little monologue of hers. “well…that’s what god is like,” kayla shrugged her shoulders as if stating the most obvious thing in the entire universe. “like what?” asked landon almost wishing she’d hurry up and get to her point because he was freezing his ass off. “he’s like a little kid when he makes things. like all these leaves. he made each one individually, not for no reason, but perhaps because he just loves what he creates so much that he wants to do it again…and again…” her face lit up, “…and again!” landon knew from that moment on every time he saw that smile; he’d fall in love with her all over again ...every single time. “…like a little kid…the sun doesn’t rise every morning simply because it’s just supposed to, but because god loves to do it over and over again…every day…just like a little kid…” she repeated once more to herself softly. --------landon pulled into his driveway and moped into the house. trudging up to his bedroom, he began to finish packing for their week on the road. looking over to his nightstand he saw a copy of a c.s. lewis’s book that kayla had lent to him; a story about heaven and hell. he wondered if there really were such places and where his mom was. life did seem to be about dichotomies though; right and wrong, good and bad, pleasure and pain. was it a matter of preference which one you chose like lewis thought or was it arbitrarily predetermined by some higher power. but was there even such a thing as a god? landon’s ruminations were interrupted by the ringing of his phone. there was little hope left in his body that it would be kayla, but it was also someone he never would have expected either. “mr. stern…ah landon?” “yeah? this is him,” replied landon realizing the voice sounded familiar. “it’s ah, ron alworth, cody’s father.” landon’s eyes widened in shock; he had often thought of cody and how he was doing, but didn’t want to risk upsetting him or his family. “um…hi.” he was unsure of how to respond. “i-is cody okay?” there was a pause. landon could hear mr. alworth taking in a deep sigh. “no. the cancer has spread…there’s nothing we can really do.” landon clenched his eyes shut. “i don’t know what to say,” he whispered. “i-i’m so sorry….i wish that i—” “actually, the reason i’m calling is because, well…being overprotective parents, we thought we knew what was best for cody.”

landon heard mr. alworth’s voice croak in effort to stave off the tears. “oh man…i wish i hadn’t screwed up, hadn’t lost control,” apologized landon. “it doesn’t matter landon. cody probably would’ve forgiven you before you even asked for it,” he chuckled sadly. “um…could i maybe see him?” asked landon; his voice choking. “oh, yes…of course…i mean that’s why i was calling. he doesn’t have a lot of time left and instead of spending his days in the hospital, we’ve taken him home to be with us.” “wha…what’s a good time…for me to visit?” mr. alworth smiled. “anytime…and as often as you wish.” “thanks,” whispered landon not bothering to brush away the tear that had escaped from his eye. mr. alworth said good-bye and hung up the phone. landon wasn’t quite sure how to feel after the conversation. he was wondering why mr. alworth had changed his mind…if there was more of a reason besides cody. he picked up the phone to call kayla, but stopped. she had asked him to leave her alone. --------within hours of arriving home after three consecutive losses on the road, landon turned into the alworth’s driveway, remembering the apprehension he had felt last time he was there. the feelings now were so much worse. the alworths welcomed him and took him upstairs to cody’s bedroom. “hey, stud,” he said softly entering cody’s room. the small boy looked far-gone from the boisterous eleven year old that was at times mature beyond his years and oblivious to the fact that he had cancer. he looked as if he had probably lost another ten pounds. there was little hair on his pale body and his innocent brown eyes were sunk into deep hollows. his room was filled with sympathy cards, balloons, stuffed animals and various presents. landon’s eyes roamed over to the flowers and remembered what cody wanted to do when he grew up. “because i’d get to make people smile all day…when have you ever met a person who was mad for getting flowers?” it was at that moment landon released the tears he was holding back. he pulled up a chair next to his bed unsure of what to say. “why you crying?” cody said in a horse voice with a tired smile playing at the corners of his mouth. “where’s the funeral?”

landon laughed softly and wiped his tears; amazed at his sense of humor and strength. “so who’s been keeping you entertained?” he asked lightly, realizing that if cody wasn’t dwelling over the present circumstances, neither would he. cody scrunched his nose. “well…my sisters have been reading me books and watching movies with me…and if i have an appetite, mom lets me eat whatever i want!” landon chuckled and gazed downward. “cody, i hope you know how sorry i was…that i messed up…a while back. once again…i was just being stupid.” “what did that guy say to you?” asked cody. landon furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “when i watched the game…i saw the guy yell something at you…something that hurt your feelings.” how did one little kid have so much grace? why should it matter if the guy had spit a personal insult at him? it was still no reason for him to lose control. “eh… it doesn’t matter, i still shouldn’t have hit him.” “one time…when i was seven. my sister called me stupid because i was having trouble reading. and i’d never hit either of my sisters, but i punched her in the stomach as hard as i could. i hurt her really bad.” landon slowly nodded his head trying not to smile at the thought of how funny it would probably be to see cody decking his sister. “still…that doesn’t give us any right to beat someone up…just because they hurt our feelings.” cody smiled. “i know that…i just wanted to let you know… i knew you felt bad afterwards. i did…” he smirked, “especially because she threw up on me after i punched her so hard.” landon snickered and turned his face away; blinking back tears. cody’s dad was right. he had already forgiven landon even before he had come over the next day to ask for it. “you know, how come it is that i’m like, way older than you and you’re way more mature?” he asked shaking his head at the mercy cody had just bestowed upon him. “try living with two sisters who are in high school!” replied cody and landon burst out in laughter. changing the subject, he asked landon how hockey was going. “mmm, we have about a few games left, we missed the playoffs this year.” “are you bummed?” asked cody. landon creased his forehead in thought. “yeah...i am, but it wasn’t meant to be this year.” he shook his head. “but then again… winning just doesn’t seem that important anymore. i mean, i still love playing and winning, but things are just different now for some reason.” cody nodded his head slightly. “landon?”

“yeah?” “thanks for those times you took me skating. um…i know it wasn’t ‘cause you felt sorry for me.” landon reached over and gently smoothed cody’s forehead. “you are one of the coolest persons i’ve ever spent time with. i’m surprised i didn’t annoy you!” cody grinned and shook his head. “nah…” he pretended to reconsider. “well…” landon playfully nudged him in response and cody giggled. “landon?” mrs. alworth poked her head in the door. “would you like to stay for dinner?” “oh, ah… no thanks. i should probably get going…let cody get some rest.” “okay,” she said softly, “but you’re more than welcome to stay if you change your mind,” she offered and then left. “well, stud…” said landon turning his attention back to cody. “i’d better get going.” “will you come see me again?” “heck yes!” grinned landon. “maybe if your mom lets us, we can see if there’s a way i can get you on the ice again.” cody’s eyes lit up. “really?” landon winked at him as he got up out of his chair. “i’ll see ya later,” and he ducked out the door. mr. and mrs. alworth said good-bye and invited him to come back soon. landon thanked them sincerely and drove back to the cities. ---------his relationship with todd since the night he assaulted kayla had been awkward to say the least. todd’s face still displayed remnants of landon’s terror induced rage and was surprised the first time he saw him after that night, he wasn’t tempted to bash his face in all over again. well, he was…he had just learned a thing or two about the consequences of using his fists to resolve his anger management issues. if no one had dragged him away from todd, the damage could have been worse; possibly lethal. the team had treated todd with even less respect than landon in subtle ways. they ignored him. hit him a little harder than normal in practices. landon had kept his distance. it was actually todd that approached first to say something. “lan…ah…can i talk to you?” he asked feebly when they were done showering after a home game against calgary. landon nodded his head still not sure what to say to todd considering only one mantra kept running through his mind: sonuvabitch, sonuvabitch…

todd looked as if he was about ready to crap in his pants. “i-i know it’s stupid of me to try to apologize. i’d try to tell kayla i’m sorry…but i know i don’t deserve any forgiveness.” he threw his head back, looked up at the ceiling and shrugged his shoulders. “what happened, man? you and i…we used to be such good friends. the parties. the women. i just got pissed. i never meant for any of it to happen.” landon continued to keep silent, debating whether or not todd was telling the truth; debating whether or not punching todd in the face was worth another broken knuckle. todd found it difficult to read landon’s expression. “i was jealous,” he confessed. landon snapped his head up and stared at todd, not believing the words that had just come out of his mouth; wondering if they had been shot out of his ass instead. “what?” he asked scrunching his nose; expecting pigs to come flying out next. “you…i mean…you get all the glory. you get more money, you get more fame, more women. i didn’t realize it until i saw how much you loved her.” landon stared at him; brooding. “everyone saw it. and it pissed me off. we had a blast until she came along. not that it’s any excuse, but i guess i just flipped out and turned psycho. i wanted to know why she had such power over you…because i wanted it too. i wanted her to look at me the way she looked at you.” landon pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes angrily; wriggling his fingers to warm them up. “you’re right. it’s not an excuse,” he stated curtly. “i still wanna rip your head off.” todd sighed slowly and nodded in defeat as he took a few wary steps back from landon. “yeah…well…i just…wanted to let you know.” he turned to leave. landon took a deep breath and closed his eyes. he thought of kayla. she was so damn sweet for her own good; he knew she would have accepted todd’s apology. he could at least do the same for her. “todd?” todd turned around hopefully. “it wasn’t kayla…you know. maybe it was at first, but she’s not the reason i wanted to change. i guess…all the drinking, the girls…it just seemed stupid; pointless.” he paused. “it wasn’t ‘cause i didn’t wanna hang out with you anymore.” todd cast his eyes downward, thankful that landon hadn’t actually followed through with his initial desire to beat him to a pulp again. he emitted a weak smile, nodded in thanks, turned and walked away. --------landon spent most of his free moments up in elk river spending as much time with cody as possible. a string of home games allowed him the opportunity to do so. each passing day, cody got worse and landon feared every time he pulled up to their house he’d

encounter the inevitable heart wrenching news. when he came in that afternoon, he greeted cody’s mother. “hey, um…do you think i can bundle him up and take him to the rec center?” she nodded sadly; trying not to cry and told him where cody’s skates were. landon knocked on the door softly and entered and held up his skates. “i promised.” cody grinned. he laced up the boy’s skates and cradled him gently in his arms; carrying him downstairs. he asked cody’s mom to join and she climbed into the back seat next to her son. when they made it to the rink and had their gear on, they proceeded out onto the ice. with one arm circled around cody’s emaciated waist to hold him up on his skates, landon took a child’s hockey stick and placed it cody’s hand and then wrapped his hand around cody’s and the stick to hold it in place. he giggled as landon guided him and the stick to move the puck back and forth giving a play by play in his mock announcer’s voice of the bogus action that was taking place on the ice. “…ladies and gentlemen…the crowd is rising to their feet as the young superstar, cody alworth, makes a fast break down the ice…he fakes once…twice…” landon shot the puck down the length of the rink. “…he scores! the crowd is going insane!…whaaa….” he mimicked the sound of a deafening cheer of the fans from the stadium. cody’s legs suddenly gave out and landon panicked as he dropped the stick and lifted him into his arms. “cody!?” the boy’s mother came rushing out to meet them and smoothed her palm over cody’s cheeks; tears streaming down her face. “i’m so sorry! i shouldn’t have—” landon cried. she looked up at landon’s horrified expression and smiled reassuringly. “i think he’s okay…for now…he’s just cold. we should probably go home anyway.” landon nodded numbly, put on his skate guards and carried cody back to his out to the car. upon arriving home, he took cody up to his bedroom. after taking off the boy’s skates and tucking him in, he noticed that cody had opened his eyes. sinking his weight down on the bed next to his little friend, landon took one of the bony hands into his own. “you know,” he started and choked back a sob. “if i had a son. i’d name him cody…and hope he’d be just like you.” cody managed a weak grin. landon wiped his tears and furrowed his brow in concern. “are you scared?”

cody shook his head slightly. he slowly raised his arm up to the ledge on the wall that his bed was flush against. in his hand he grasped a small wooden cross and laid it in front of landon. “home,” he whispered hoarsely. landon nodded and choked out another sob as he laid his head next to cody’s. he wasn’t sure how long he stayed in that position, but when he looked up and saw that cody’s eyes were closed, his heart raced in fear for a moment before noticing that cody was still breathing. mrs. alworth walked softly into the room and smiled sadly at landon. he bent over and gave cody a kiss on the forehead before rising to his feet and followed her out of his bedroom. “thanks for being here, landon,” she whispered. landon wiped his face and replied, “thanks for letting me.” they walked downstairs and mrs. alworth turned to him. “landon, did you know that kayla came to see us in minneapolis awhile back?” his heart skipped a beat at the mention of her name. “what?” he asked; the confusion and unawareness on his face giving away the fact that he had no idea what she was talking about. mrs. alworth sat down in one of the recliners motioning for landon to do the same. she smiled at him as if possessing a sweet secret that he knew nothing about. “she really loves you,” he cast a bewildered glance her way. “you know that day you came to see cody and apologize for the fight you had in the game?” landon nodded remorsefully. “well, a couple days later, kayla came to visit us at children’s. she was so heartbroken for you and asked if we’d reconsider allowing you to spend time with him and at the moment it wasn’t so much about you as it was about us…just wanting to hold onto him so badly…” a solitary tear trickled down her cheek, but she smiled and continued. “the way she talked about you…well… women can tell these things, but as she was leaving i asked her anyway why she came.” landon stared at his hands numbly; turning them over as if the answer to all of life’s mysteries were written somewhere on them. “she said it was because she loved you.” “well…sh-she loves me like a friend. like the ugly dog that no one wants to take home from the pound, but you feel so sorry for it you take it home anyway—” “landon.” mrs. alworth interrupted and brushed a tear from her cheek before reaching

over to place a hand over his. he quit rambling and looked down into her soft brown eyes. “not that kind of love. the kind a woman has for a man. i don’t know the circumstances keeping you two apart, but oh…how she loves you.” landon wasn’t sure he believed cody’s mother. why would she love me? out of all the men worthy of her affection, why me? he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “thanks,” was all he could manage. “i can’t believe she did that, but then again i can. she’d do anything for anyone. i just can’t imagine for the life of me why she would choose to love me…of all people,” he laughed softly. “i mean…i don’t deserve someone like her.” “landon,” said mrs. alworth softly. “if love had conditions…then we’d all be in big trouble.” landon chuckled and looked off into the distance once more, his emotions starting to get the better of him. “god, i’m just such a wimp lately,” he confessed; embarrassed at his tears. “oh, come now. you know what they say. only real men cry…and carry their wife’s purse while she’s shopping!” landon smiled and got up out of his chair to give her a hug. he walked towards the door with his head bent down and nodded to her, and again whispered, “thanks.” “oh, landon?” he turned back to look at her once more. her eyes softened. “kayla knows about cody.” landon swallowed uncomfortably. “but she doesn’t want to see me,” he finished mrs. alworth’s thought. she smiled sympathetically. “she just didn’t want you to feel bad for not calling her.” landon nodded numbly. the one person he desperately wanted to comfort him didn’t even want to be near him. --------landon received the phone call on his way to the excel center for minnesota’s final home game of the season. he was surprised he didn’t start bawling right away from the histrionic rate he’d been going at lately; surprised at how almost numb he felt. it seemed like he was outside of his own body; watching himself continue to drive calmly knowing that he should pull over to scream obscenities and rip out his hair at the injustice of a world that would take away such a vibrant young soul, but then again…cody was free now. cody was home now.

he wondered how kayla was handling the news; hoping she’d call and ask if he needed a shoulder to lean on. she probably accepted the news pretty well though. dying wasn’t new to her and it wasn’t frightening to her either. landon would have to save his mourning for after the game. eh, maybe he’d even drown his sorrows with his good buddy, jack daniels. temporary relief from the pain was better than no relief at all. -------the score was still tied at nil when the referee called icing against the opposing team in the third period. landon swung his leg over the boards with the rest of the first string during the pause to change lines. the puck was passed to him and he glided back and forth lightly, handling it with his stick skillfully behind his own goalie to look for an open teammate. seeing a break, he saw cub at center open and passed it to him quickly; silently communicating what he was about to do. cub read the cue; always amazed at how fast landon could shoot out on the ice like he was some bionic human experiment gone out of control. he shouldered off the defending opponent and passed the puck like textbook back to landon. landon cradled the black disc and tore down the ice with the opposing defender on his tail. the fans rose to their feet chanting. suddenly from out of nowhere, landon was blind sighted by violent forecheck from another red wing defender. his helmet snapped loose when his head bashed into the boards and in the heat of the moment, the opponent tailing him shoved landon down to the ice causing his forehead to split open just above his right temple. the silence that hushed over the crowd was more deafening than the loudest cheers as landon lay there motionless, the ice quickly turning crimson. this time, unlike his previous accident over a year ago, his life did flash before his eyes, but not the way he expected. instead, he saw his life for what it had been missing. the sight of his own blood spilling out onto the ice caused him to black out, but not before deciding that if this was it…if life as he knew it was over… he didn’t want this to be all there was…he wanted more. he wanted to go home. ---------kayla stood looking over the shoulder of ab who was tending to a girl who had a severe allergic reaction to a cat...and quite annoyed at doing so. her eye was swollen and if kayla didn’t know any better she would have thought the girl picked a fight with the cat and the cat had been declared the champion.

“you gonna flush it out?” she asked referring to the girl’s swollen eye. ab stood up. “no. you are.” the door flew open suddenly, “kayla!” she whipped her head to look at lori, who in a quiet but terrifying tone had stated her name. kayla glanced at ab. he pressed his thin lips into a determined line and reluctantly released her with his nod. “it’s landon.” lori told her quickly. “i know,” kayla whispered. “how do you…?” she shook her head. “anyway. he’s at regions.” “i need to see him.” kayla choked out; breaking all promises she made to distance herself from him. the last words she had spoken to him were haunting her and though she didn’t really mean them at the time, it had been too late to take them back. running to the phone she dialed the emergency room over at the other hospital to see if she could find any status on him, but kept getting the run around with vague answers because they thought she was some delusional fan posing as a “dr. moore.” grabbing her coat, she didn’t care if she wasn’t supposed to leave. with strict instructions to have lori page her immediately if they were in dire need, kayla bolted out of the building. --------shoving her id badge in the nurse’s face that tried to prevent her from entering into landon’s room, kayla opened the door and rushed to his bedside. his eyes were closed and several white strips of gauze were wrapped around his head with blood stains evident from where he had been stitched up. closing her eyes, kayla calmed her breathing down once she saw for herself that he was going to be okay. she didn’t even realize she’d been crying. taking his hand, kayla brought it up to her lips and then nuzzled it with her cheek. to her surprise, she felt him squeeze back and looked through her blurry eyes to see that his were slightly open. a miniature smile had graced his full lips; almost as if he were taunting her with a secret. she laughed sardonically out of sheer relief and sniffled. “you son of a bitch,” she stated with adoration. landon’s smile grew wider. damn, was she ever a sight for sore eyes. maybe he was hallucinating. “i love you too,” he replied hoarsely.

she laughed softly once more. “you scared the shit out of me,” she stated in a small voice while caressing his cheek. “aw…c’mon, little one…you know how thick my skull is…there’s no way they could crack through this puppy.” she giggled. he tried desperately to think of another joke just to hear that giggle again, but there was something more important he needed her to know. kayla watched his smile fade as his eyes took on a serious tone. “kayla…i…” her beeper went off. “i’m sorry lan, i have to go. i shouldn’t even be here right now.” kayla, i believe, he wanted to shout to her; wanted to tell her he was ready to embrace her faith as his own, but she simply leaned down to kiss him again quickly on the forehead. “i’m glad you’re okay.” and then she left as quickly as she had come. ----------the next time landon saw kayla was at cody’s funeral. he sat next to her and kayla didn’t resist when he reached over and clutched her hand throughout the entire service. the last funeral landon had been to was his father’s. this time it was different. not hopeless. when they offered their condolences to the boy’s parents at the burial site, mrs. alworth kissed landon on the cheek once again thanking him for all the joy he had brought to the last year of her son’s life. landon shook his head. “no…thank you,” he smiled deeply; swallowing back his tears. after he shook mr. alworth’s hand, his eyes shifted to see the back of kayla walking slowly away from the gravesite. landon offered his farewell once more and trotted off, falling in step next to her. it was starting to drizzle out. “where you headed?” he asked softly. without looking at him kayla sniffled and wiped a stray tear. landon gently took a hold of her upper arm to still her. kayla reluctantly turned to look into his face.

“there’s something i need to tell you,” he stated in a low voice. “me too, lan…i’m so sorry for what i said to you…that morning at church when i told you to leave me alone…i didn’t mean it.” he shook his head. “don’t worry ‘bout it. i was being a dick—” the rain suddenly began to down pour interrupting him. he took off his jacket and used it as an umbrella for kayla. “c’mon let’s go talk in my car.” she was about to tell him she couldn’t right then when someone yelled out her name. kayla turned to see brandon in his audi with the window rolled down. cody’s funeral had interrupted their weekend plans before the wedding. he had been sweet enough to drop her off at the funeral then pick her up. landon glanced at brandon and then whipped back to face kayla; now giving up on trying to shield them from the rain. “i’m sorry lan…we can talk later. i have to go.” she turned to leave, but he grabbed her arm. “who’s that?” “he’s just...” kayla began shivering. “are you seeing him?” she didn’t know how to respond. “kayla!?” landon insisted once more. “yes!” her utterance stung landon worse than the bone chilling rain. “what!?” landon didn’t loosen his grip. “since when!?” kayla tried to ignore the hurt on his face. “it doesn’t matter! please! let me go.” landon glanced down at how hard his grip had been on her and released it. he watched her dash off and climb into brandon’s car. you don’t understand, kayla… i’ll never be able to let you go.

landon sat on his porch in the backyard for a while, bundled up in an old gray and maroon hockey sweatshirt and faded jeans; his dark waves concealed underneath his raggedy white u of m college hat. he wasn’t sure how to pray so he just began talking out loud. “god… do i need to prove to

her i believe in you now? or you know…catch up to her? i really want her…is that bad… should i not? should i just let her go? god knows…i mean…duh, you know…that she deserves someone better anyway, doesn’t she…? yeah…she does.” he twirled the two carat diamond ring around in his fingertips. it had been his mother’s. just then, as if god whispered into his ear, he knew what he was supposed to do. pulling out his cellular, he dialed the numbers and waited in anticipation. ---------kayla flipped on the computer to check the weather the morning of amanda and peter’s wedding day. april was probably the most unpredictable month out of the year in minnesota. it could be ninety degrees one day and snowing the next. she had teased amanda for picking a date in april, but amanda insisted she didn’t want her wedding to take place with all of the rest of the spring and summer weddings. well at least there’s no snow in sight, kayla mused, but then cringed when she saw that there was supposed to be a thunderstorm again later that evening. the wedding was taking place at four in the afternoon so hopefully the weather would behave enough for a few outdoor pictures. kayla thought long ago about asking landon to be her date, but was glad now that she never got around to it. of all places to start feeling romantic. brandon was going to be there though and they’d had a nice time together, he had noticed how distracted she was. landon had never gotten back to her that week about what he needed to tell her so she assumed it probably must not have been that important. kayla logged off the computer and glanced out the window. it looked pleasant enough. her hair appointment was in a couple of hours; enough time to get a run and shower in. -------“hi!” screeched kayla about fifty times shriller than her normal tone of voice when she saw amanda in the dressing room at the church. “you’re getting married! augh!” they embraced as she greeted the other bridesmaids and amanda’s mother who was helping her daughter get dressed. “kay! i love your hair!” gushed amanda in the same obnoxious tone. “thanks!” replied kayla bringing the theatrics down a notch. “any excuse to get dressed up and have someone play with my hair. plus, for once this year my nails actually look like a lady’s!” she flashed them proudly. in accords with tradition, amanda didn’t want to have pictures beforehand. she wanted peter to see her for the first time walking down the aisle. kayla insisted that was dumb because then the guests would have to wait at the reception for all the pictures to be over. her eyes roamed over amanda in her wedding gown and she couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for herself. almost seven years…i’d be married almost seven years by now… she thought wistfully. determined not to be anything but ecstatic for her good friend, kayla put on her happy

face. when everyone was in place about an hour later and while amanda and peter stood at the alter clasping sweaty hands, the minister offered a sweet and simple message. “some people think that marriage is like a big box filled with endless amounts of love, romance, sex, fulfillment, and kindness…and they begin to take from the box. but soon the box gets empty, and reality sets in, and disappointment and monotony sets in. for marriage to be fulfilling, the husband and wife must put into the box, love and romance and kindness before they can take it out…” kayla smiled to herself listening to the words of the minister and fought back her tears. she still remembered the quote from c.s. lewis she had memorized for michael for their wedding day “…the promise, made when i am in love and because i am in love, to be true to the beloved as long as i live, commit one to being true even if i cease to be in love. a promise must be about things that i can do, about actions: no one can promise to go on feeling in a certain way. he might as well promise never to have a headache or always to feel hungry.” but now in her dreams…it was landon she was reciting those lines to. “i now present to you…mr. and mrs. peter and amanda harris!” the minister exclaimed. kayla broke from her reverie and clapped loudly. after the newlyweds greeted their guests, they made their way outside with the rest of the bridal party for a few outdoor pictures. the wind had picked up a little, but it was still a bearable sixty degrees. kayla glanced off into the distance and smoothed a stray hair out if her eyes. she couldn’t help but wonder where he was, what he was doing. it was as if he was stranded on an island as she stood there on the shore…gazing at him longingly. and there was nothing she could do to reach him. ---------kayla began walking to her car, fishing for her keys in her clutch purse; wanting to get home from the reception before the storm hit. “kayla!” she turned to see brandon jogging after her. he caught up to her and smiled. “you were gonna leave without saying good-bye?” “you looked busy, i’m sorry.” he reached out and brushed his fingers up and down her arm. “amanda kinda told me about landon.” kayla bowed her head and laughed softly. “there’s nothing going on between us—”

“i know, but when i’m with you i can’t help sensing that you’re somewhere else. even tonight.” “brandon, i’m sorry—” “hey…you don’t have to apologize. i just wanted to let you know that when you’re ready, and if you want…if it’s meant to be…” “i know, brandon, i know. thank you.” she stepped forward and kissed him on the cheek. “have a safe trip home.” he nodded and finished walking her to her car and waved good-bye as she drove away. tired when she got home, kayla immediately set to work taking out all the bobby pins from her hair. there were dark, black, ominous clouds looming overhead as she worked on undoing the zipper on her strapless cotton candy pink, floor length gown. she twisted in various positions to wrench the blasted thing down, but wasn’t budging and then there was a knock on the door. cursing under her breath, she and clive walked out of her bedroom and towards the door. her heart leapt when she saw who it was and clive began whimpering excitedly. when she opened it up, the dog straddled landon around the waist with his two front legs. kayla blushed. he looked so boyishly handsome. “hi,” she said nervously rubbing her foot up and down her opposite calf while landon shooed her dog away. it never ceased to amaze landon at how adorable she was; rarely had he ever seen her so dolled up and he fought the urge to snake his fingers through the lush golden curls that cascaded down her back. “how was the wedding?” he remembered. god, he’d be the most asinine over-protective father if he had any daughters that looked like kayla. “it was beautiful.” kayla eyed landon. he looked different somehow…almost peaceful. it was as if a veil had been removed from his eyes and there were no more traces of the boy she saw so often trapped underneath. feeling awkward, kayla offered landon something to eat or drink as she led him into the living room. “no thanks,” he whispered and touched her arm lightly. the goose bumps consumed her flesh. “i have something to tell you,” he stated softly, but with a sense of urgency. kayla leaned against the wall next to the kitchen entryway and prepared herself to hear what he had to say. after everything that had happened between them, she wasn’t sure what to expect. he took a few steps closer to her and gazed in her eyes. “it happened,” he said with a deep grin. kayla couldn’t help but smile in return; wanting to plant wet sloppy kisses on those sexy dimples. “what...happened?”

“i believe. right before i blacked out on the ice, i realized i wanted there to be more. i wanted god to be real. and i believe now that he is. i needed to believe that all the crap i’ve done in the past could be erased. pretty nice of him to not only give me a second chance…but a third.” he replied laughing softly. “everything you’ve taught me. everything i’ve read. i dunno. like it just clicked all in that moment. it was weird. i-i wanted to tell you, but…” kayla bit her lip in excitement. that’s what had changed about him. she clasped her hands and pressed her lips against her thumbs as if trying to contain the smile that was about to erupt into joyous laughter. landon’s smile faded. “kayla,” he said a little more intently. “i want you to know…i didn’t do it for you.” he leaned in closer. “and…” he started in a low voice avoiding her eyes. damn, he was so nervous. “i thought about us…prayed about us…and….i know i don’t deserve you…that’s why i kept pushing you away...even when i wanted you...i couldn't…but…” he licked his lips trying to get the words out. “i love you. i mean… i’m not only in love with you, but i really really love you…a lot…” her eyes widened in shock; certain that her heart had literally burst. .i can’t breathe, i’m not breathing. he dug into his pocket and removed a piece of wrinkled paper with his chicken scratch on it. she remained stunned and speechless. “okay,” he took a shaky breath. “see, i wanted to know what the bible said about love because well, i don’t know the first thing about loving you.” she began to cry. “um…first corinthians, chapter thirteen…” “love is patient, love is kind, it does not boast…” kayla finished his words and smudged her tears away with the heel of her hand. landon looked up with his brown puppy dog eyes. “you already know that that one?” she nodded and swiped at a tear. “i’m sorry.” “no, it’s okay…here…i got another one…um…first john, chapter four, verse twelve… twelve…” he grinned…”just like my number.” kayla giggled. landon wished there was a button somewhere, like her nose, and he could push every time he wanted to hear that melodious sound. “okay…here goes… no one has ever seen god; but if we love one another, god lives in us and his love is made complete in us.’”

“that’s beautiful,” she whispered reaching out to lightly finger the fabric of his sweatshirt. landon stuffed the piece of paper back in his pocket. “i have more, but now i’m just too damn nervous to even hold onto this thing anymore.” kayla melted as he straddled her with his outstretched arms against the wall and leaned in. she breathed in his familiar heavenly scent, but he looked pale and terribly nervous. “are you okay?” she palmed his cheek. his mouth hung open for a second at the touch of her soft skin against his. “landon?” “yeah,” he shook his head and took a deep breath. “just to let you know, little one, i already cleared this with your mother.” kayla blanched; her eyes nearly popping out of her skull. “c-cleared what?” landon got down on one knee and dug into his other pocket. “oh...” she cursed softly in astonishment as a fresh batch of tears began to spill over. “kayla,” he took her left hand and kissed it over and over. “i had a whole speech memorized, but i can’t remember it and…well…the only thing i did remember was the part where i asked you to marry me.” she didn’t say anything; just kept allowing the tears to spill. was this really happening? it couldn't be. these kind of dreams never came true. landon looked up at her wet cheeks and trembling lips. “um…now is usually the part where you say… ‘yes’ or ‘no’…um…is the diamond not big enough…cause i can…?” kayla let out a small laugh. “landon.” she somehow found her voice. “i don’t know who-who that other guy was…but if-if he’s who you want, then i won’t stand in your way. i want you to be happy...i might beat him up out of jealousy, but...” she stifled a giggled and continued to stare at him almost as if he weren’t speaking english. “i’m dyin’ here, little one. help me out,” he exhaled nervously. kayla shook her head. she needed to process what was happening. that was not a good sign. “landon…i need to think…about this…” he felt like a cartoon character slowly being pounded into the ground with a giant

sledgehammer. thud…thud…thud… they were both startled suddenly when a large clap of thunder rumbled the house. landon's face fell. oh, hey, it’s all right. here’s my heart…why don’t you throw it on the ground and stomp on it…several times as hard as you can…until there’s nothing left. not wanting her to see him cry, he turned; stuffing the ring back in his pocket and dragged his feet out of her front door into the rain that was now coming down in sheets. --------kayla blinked her eyes to hold back any more tears from blurring her vision and her legs started to give way. she dashed to the door, stunned for a moment by the cold and heavy rain pelting down. “landon!” she screamed as the wind and rain stripped his name from her mouth. his range rover pulled away and he failed see her. deciding to forego putting on any shoes, kayla flew down her front steps into the torrential down pour and ran. she made it about half way cross the muddy, squishy, grass when she caught the hem of her dress ungraciously and wiped out flat on her face. cursing, she scrambled back to her feet and splashed in a puddle when she leaped off the curb into the street. the excitement in her heart began to grow steadily faint along with the dimming glow of landon’s retreating taillights. “no…!” she threw her arms down and flung her head back in agony as she turned to walk back to her house; the hot tears falling down her face and feeling strange against the icy rain that was pounding through the rest of her skin. “kayla!?” she whipped around. landon had seen her in his rear view mirror, slammed on the brakes and jumped out of the car. there were about a hundred meters separating them; too much. that gap needed to be eliminated. and fast. barely feeling the cold rivers of water underneath her bare feet, she hiked up the dress fabric and ran as fast as she could. landon wasn’t wasting any time either. not bothering to turn off his car nor shut the door he took off toward her. one hundred meters turned into fifty. twenty-five. ten. when she was about two feet from him, kayla slowed down and cried as she tried to catch her breath, “i thought about it…!”

a deep rumble of joy emerged from his heart and erupted from his mouth in sweet laughter. she looked ridiculous with wet curls plastered to her face; mud and grass stains down the front of the dress that was quickly becoming transparent much to his hypersexual delight. but she had never looked more stunning as he examined her dirt smudged face; her body. no words needed to be spoken. his arms locked around her tiny waist and lifted her off the ground. kayla wrapped her legs around his hips and threw his hat off into the street desiring to narrow the distance between them as much as possible, their lips found each other. there was no hesitation; only passionate desperation to do what both had dreamed of for ages it seemed. as they shared each other’s breath, it felt wonderfully hot compared to the cold water that seeped through their lips. but most of all it felt right…perfect; the only way to describe it. not wanting to remove her lips from his, kayla did her best to talk between gasping for breath and crying. “are you sure you wanna marry me?” she stroked his face and giggled as she looked into his eyes and saw that he had tears forming in the corners of them. “i love you, landon mitchell stern…i’ve always loved you…”she breathed into his mouth. her declaration only increased the intensity of the next kiss. and the next. he let out a shout of pure delight as if he’d just scored the winning goal to clinch the stanley cup. kayla buried her smile in his neck and crossed her ankles around his hips as he tightened his grip and spun her around under the streetlight; in the pouring, soaking rain. it was as if the gates of heaven had opened up; generously saturating the two of them with its joy and love. ---------kayla knotted her fingers through his wet hair as he explored her neck and shoulders with his mouth. “i don’t know whether to strangle you or make love to you!” he confessed kissing her again as they stumbled through the front door after landon had tossed her into his suv and whipped around to drive back to her house. “why?” “my heart started to bleed when you rejected my proposal.” trying to suck on her neck and walk at the same time was proving difficult. kayla tripped on a pair of shoes as she walked backwards into the foyer with landon’s lips permanently attached to her. “you just caught me a little off guard, babe. i didn’t say ‘no.’” as she tumbled to the ground, landon released one arm from her waist in time to catch the fall. she lay under his

body in a heap of giggles. “landon!” she moaned breathlessly as he slobbered her ear and relished the feeling of his massive body smothering hers on the floor that was now sopped from their wet clothes. he lifted himself up into a sitting position straddling her hips. digging into his pocket, he grabbed his mother’s ring out. “i almost forgot,” he smiled taking her hand and slipping the ring on. “it was my mom’s,” he stated quietly slipping it on. “oh…landon…i think i’m gonna start crying again,” kayla shook her head in awe. he cocked his head to the side. “i should’ve had them make it into a kid’s size,” he teased her; noticing the ring was a tad loose. kayla slapped his butt in retaliation. he batted his eyebrows obnoxiously and grinned devilishly. “ooh…do that again!” she rolled her eyes and giggled. “horny bastard.” she did her best to wriggle out from under him by turning on her stomach and making her way further into the living room. landon grabbed her by the ankles and pulled her back into his embrace. “where’s clive? shouldn’t he be breaking up this nonsense by now?” he lowered his lips onto hers. “mmm, he’s in my closest. the thunder scares him.” she mumbled between his kisses. “is he a better kisser than i am?” kayla pretended to contemplate. “hey!” he rose to his feet and took her with him; tossing her petite frame over his shoulder. she screeched with giggles as he headed towards the bedroom. he plopped kayla onto the bed and climbed on top of her immediately smothering her mouth with his. “landon,” she moaned. “mmm hmm…?” he worked his hand up underneath the sopping folds of fabric to caress her thigh. “shouldn’t we…?” his mind worked quickly to decipher the cause of her hesitation. “oh…i have a condom in my wallet,” he mumbled into the groove of her neck. “no…i mean…you what!?” he lifted his lips from her earlobe and gazed into her eyes. “you were hoping to get lucky or you keep them on hand just in case a willing partner comes along!?” she protested.

“oy,” he exhaled in frustration. “kayla, i haven’t looked at another woman since we met. geez, was it not obvious from the way i fell over all myself around you?” she searched his eyes. “so you were hoping that maybe we…?” “duh…” he pressed a finger to her lips. “no talk. just kiss.” he placed his mouth over hers passionately. “i-i really want to…” she panted coming up for air and caressed his face with her hands. “baby, to me you’re already my wife, does it make a difference?” “well…i mean…no. i guess not. i’ve imagined us together hundreds of times…so…” he bit his lip and blushed. “really?” he began grinning mischievously. “so…like what were we doing in your imagination?” “landon!” he leaned down and kissed her deeply making her lose all train of rational thought once more. “landon!” she gasped. “you wanted me to before.” “i know,” she rolled her eyes and sighed. “i just…i want to do it the right way… the dress and flowers and you carrying me over the threshold and taking off my wedding gown with rose petals and candles everywhere.” “you’ve thought about this in great detail, huh?” he winked at her. “aw…c’mon. don’t tease me!” “mmm…you can still have all that…i just feel like i’ve been waiting for this my whole life…i’m sorta impatient …” he lowered his mouth down once more. “landon, i have too…” he rolled himself off of her groaning and propped his chin up on his elbow next to her. leaning his head down, he grabbed her skirt between his teeth and drooped his eyes at her. “what are you doing?” she giggled. “it works when clive does it,” he smiled. “clive also listens to me,” she teased him and rested her head on his chest. “we’re getting my bed soaking wet,” she pouted. “then take your clothes off,” he tickled her. kayla squealed and began slapping him in a feeble effort to cease his assault.

when he relented, she sat upright with her back toward him. “actually, could you unzip me.” “with pleasure,” he pulled her back between his legs and left trails of kisses down her back as he exposed her skin. “mmm…want help with the bra too?” she got up from the bed and headed to the bathroom. “no ,” she replied flippantly while swaying her hips seductively out of the bedroom. landon jumped to his feet to follow her. kayla stuck her head back in the door way and narrowed her eyes. “no, you cannot join me.” “yeah? well then don’t hog all the hot water ‘cause i’m freezing my ass off!” --------kayla stirred the noodles in the pot of boiling water and nearly keeled over with laughter when she saw landon walk into the kitchen wearing her bathrobe after showering. “i could take a picture of you right now and make a killing off the tabloid sales…or post it on one of your porn sites.” he started undoing the knot. “i could always walk around naked…take a picture of that.” kayla pointed the spoon at him as a weapon and giggled. “don’t! i’m not ready to see it yet!” landon doubled over in laughter. “aw…c’mon, doc. you’ve seen plenty.” “this is different,” she replied biting her lower lip and blushing profusely. he walked over and snaked his arms around waist. “could you be any more adorable?” “now you’re just teasing me.” “no, i’m not.” he pulled her hair aside and kissed the nape of her neck. “mmm…whatcha makin,’ little one?” “macaroni and cheese.” “really? i didn’t think you had any boxes left,” he mocked her. she only had about fifty in her pantry. “shut up.” “kidding…i’m not interested in eating food.” he began teething her neck. ignoring the noodles, kayla twisted herself around and her fingers roamed across his bare chest; her robe failing to cover most of it. rising to her tiptoes and capturing his lips, she groaned and traced his muscles. “landon…you’re so gorgeous,” she breathed between their open mouthed kisses.

“right back at ya, babe.” they continued their endorphin-filled fest until the buzzing of the dryer interrupted their interlude. “you need to get back into your clothes, before i become completely undone,” she snickered and licked her lips as she unglued her body from his. handing the spoon over to him, she headed towards the closet where the washer and dryer were. “i’m already undone,” he muttered under his breath. ---------when they were finished with dinner, he settled onto the couch pulling kayla into his lap. “thank god for you,” he nuzzled his nose in her hair. kayla snuggled into him forming her body into a little ball between his legs. he looked down at her and grinned. “i can’t wait for you to have our kids,” he whispered in her ear. the familiar chills coursed through her and kayla closed her eyes as if off in a dream. “hmm, me too,” she replied and then frowned as she felt landon tense. she twisted her head and looked up into his eyes. “kayla…i know about michael,” he whispered, scared to look into her eyes. “what?” asked kayla concerned as she grabbed his hand. “you’re mom told me…at christmas.” she sucked in a deep breath; surprised that landon had known all these months. she had wanted to tell him, but the time never seemed appropriate and besides what would she say? kayla looked down for a moment, realizing she hadn’t even thought about michael this whole time. “landon—” “will you love me…the way you loved him?” he asked nervously; his voice painfully resonating the sound of a little boy’s. “oh…landon. i know now that i was meant to call only one man my husband.” she adjusted her position in his lap so that she was sitting up and facing him. placing her palms on his cheeks, she made sure he was looking into her eyes. “and that was you… only you.” kayla continued, still seeing the doubt in landon’s eyes. “i loved michael very much and we would have been happy together…but god had you and i planned all along!” she placed her lips on his and felt a tear fall down her cheek. “just don’t die on me!” she joked, surprised that she had finally been able to let go of michael’s memory. he chuckled softly as he wrapped his arms around her kissing her back. “you’ll have to kill me yourself if you want to get rid of me.” he feigned contemplation. “in fact…you might want to kill me before you even walk down the aisle 'cause you know i'll start to annoy you too much.”

kayla narrowed her eyes to toy with him. “don’t tempt me,” she whispered placing her mouth back over his. “can we get this wedding over with before you change your mind?” he continued to joke. “you mean before you change your mind?” “hell no, i was taken from day one.” “saying things like that could really make a girl fall for you.” “i’m only interested in one girl,” he whispered taking her lips again with his and pulled her into him. “you never told me how you sweet talked my mom into letting you propose,” she grinned mischievously at him. “are you kidding? the woman was putty in my hands.” kayla punched him in the chest. “what’d she say over the phone when i was in the shower?” he asked. “she said you cried when you asked her for permission.” he scoffed in a false bravado. “i did no such thing!” she giggled once again tasting his sweet mouth. “baby?” “hmm…” she worked on nibbling his upper lip. “let’s get married tomorrow.” “i…but—” “you want the whole deal, don’t ya?” “no…” she traced small patterns up and down his bare chest. “i just want the dress and flowers and my family and lots of ribbons….” “ribbons?” “yeah…i like ribbons and bows.” “baby, you can have whatever you want.” “but…” she looked up at him and grinned shyly. “i already have everything i want.” he nuzzled her nose. “that was a good one.” “yeah…it was wasn’t it?”

his face softened into a deep smile. “now…where were we? oh yeah. me landon. you kayla,” he kissed her forcefully. a satisfied moan emerged from the back of kayla’s throat. landon placed her arms tightly around his neck and lifted her up off the floor and began heading towards the bedroom. “you still think you’re gonna get lucky?” she breathed seductively. “hoping,” he murmured with his mouth still attached to hers. “will you stay with me until i fall asleep?” he nodded and laid her down on the bed. climbing up beside her, he spooned her back into his chest. “i love you,” he whispered into her hair, breathing in her scent. “i love you.”

“you’re still here.” his eyelids fluttered open to the familiar sweet voice. she had found him sleeping on the couch out in the living room. landon turned to see kayla’s face hovering his. he reached out and brushed his fingertips over her cheek. “so are you,” he whispered and slid his hand around her neck to bring her lips down toward his. “mmm,” kayla sighed and crawled under the blanket to lie on top of him. “were you afraid that this all might be a dream too?” she whispered between their kisses. “i’m still not sure it isn’t,” he smiled back and slipped his hands underneath her tank top to caress her back as they continued to deepen their kissing. clive however became impatient from his lack of attention and pushed his nose against their faces to do his best to break up the action. “aww,” landon grumbled and tried to shove clive’s snout away, but kayla broke their lip lock to baby her dog. “you want some love too, huh sweet pea?” “um, back here, ‘member me?” landon turned her cheek and tried to resume their session, but she just giggled. “c’mon, i’m hungry.” kayla got to her feet and sauntered into the kitchen. clive didn’t move to follow. instead he scooted forward and leaned in to lick landon on the cheek. “no i will not make out you with!” he yelled back at the animal.

his comment reduced kayla into more laughter. landon jumped to his feet and dashed into the kitchen to grab kayla and tickle her. “we’re gonna have to do something about that dog,” “like what!?” she giggled while trying to grab landon’s fingers. he twisted her around to face him. “like maybe it’s time we get him a little girlfriend.” “really?” kayla’s eyes lit up. “please tell me the thought of getting a new dog isn’t more exciting than marrying me.” she pretended to contemplate. “you’re gonna get it now, little one.” he leaned down and slung her over his shoulder. “hey!” she protested as he carried her into the bedroom while kicking the door shut. “there, now we can finish what we started without distractions.” “oh? and what was that?” kayla narrowed her eyes playfully. “i think it was something like this,” he stated in a low seductive voice before resuming what they started minutes ago. their soft kisses carried on until things became rather heated as more clothing was removed. it wasn’t kayla though this time that halted things from going further. “i’m sorry, i know this isn’t the way you want it,” he suddenly whispered as he lay back next to her to catch his breath. “yeah…” she responded in the same tone and moved to put her shirt back on. “so how are we going to avoid being alone together?” he let out a small laugh and turned to face her. “all of this feels so brand new to me.” kayla furrowed her brow in confusion. “what do you mean?” he closed his eyes and combed his fingers through his hair. “i dunno…i guess i’m kinda scared.” she scooted closer to him. “i’m the inexperienced one here, what are you talking about?” “i’m just scared you might have certain expectations of me, but having sex with different women i have no feelings for does not make me experienced, it makes me a man-whore.” kayla released a chuckle. “you know none of that matters to me.” landon looked into her eyes deeply. “sure it does. it’s not fair that the person you saved yourself for didn’t do the same.” “but you were different. all that’s changed, but…there is a little part of me that…” she

trailed off and looked away. “part of you that what?” he whispered. “what if…what if i’m not…i mean, i know i’m not as beautiful or exotic as some women you’ve been with—” “are you kidding me!?” he put his arm around her waist and brought her body flush against his. “you’re my little one—” she laughed. “—no one could ever have this face…” he kissed her cheek, “this little nose,” his lips fell to her nose… “these eyes…” his eyes moved to caress hers. kayla giggled as he continued to kiss her “little ears, little hands, little mouth…” his face turned serious though as he stared back into her eyes. “you do know what i fell in love with though, right?” she pursed her lips and rolled her eyes to hold back a modest smile. “this,” he drew circles around her heart. “beauty is fleeting, but a woman who loves the lord shall always be praised,” he whispered. “you read that?” “mmm hmm…it doesn’t hurt though that you are the most beautiful, adorable, women ever. i could look at your face and never tire.” “stop…” “i’m serious, even your voice, your laugh…god, i love your giggle.” “landon…” “you’re the one who should be asking yourself…what am i doing marrying an idiot who slaps around a puck for a living?” she shook her head and smiled to admonish him. his brow furrowed. “why?” “hmm?” “why do you love me?” “it was something i saw in you from almost day one. i dunno. the way you longed for something more like me, even if you weren’t sure of what that was… your desire to pursue things one hundred percent not just halfway… you make me laugh, make me feel safe…and…” she turned and grinned slyly at him. “you are pretty hot.”

“what if i get fat and lose all my hair?” “then i guess i’ll just have to find someone to replace you,” she nuzzled her nose against his. “you think you can replace me that easily, huh?” she simply winked back at him. “kay?” “yeah?” “i know why now…why you couldn’t be with me, you know, unless i shared your faith. i’m sorry i was angry at you for that—” “you don’t have to explain—” “no, i want to…all your decisions, everyday, suddenly they’re not so easy. i feel myself fighting between what i know is right and pleasing to god and what just feels good. and if you and i…if we’re not on the same page, how could we ever agree on anything?” she nodded slowly and smiled. “kay…who was that guy?” “someone amanda and peter set me up with, nothing happened. he knew i never would have stopped loving you.” “a miracle,” he whispered. “hmm?” “it’s a miracle that you love me.” kayla kissed him softly. “real love is always a miracle, landon.” ----------they managed to keep their hands and lips off each other for the next hour as kayla got ready for work and ate breakfast while landon took clive for a walk. “i’m dropping you off at the hospital today,” landon mentioned as he came in the back door with clive. “why?” kayla finished the remaining dishes in the sink and dried her hands on a towel. “’cause i’m gonna pick you up and take you out to celebrate.” “what if i don’t get done till midnight?” “don’ matter.”

“so i take it i should bring something to change into? that is unless you think i’m drop dead sexy in my scrubs.” “baby, i think you’re drop dead sexy in anything.” “that was so cheezy.” “you know you love me.” “hurry up, i’m gonna be late for rounds,” she slapped him on the butt. he turned around in response. “hey! take it easy…” she giggled and dashed off to the bedroom to find something to change into. “where we going?” kayla shouted out into the kitchen. “it’s a surprise!” “but i need to know what to wear!” she whined. landon rolled his eyes and walked into the bedroom to find her contemplating over her hurricane of a closet. “good lord, little one, how do you find anything in here?” he began shuffling through what was left on hangers. she whacked him in the gut not amused. landon finally settled his eyes on a soft blue dress. “i like this,” he pulled it out and handed it to her and leaned down to nuzzle her neck. “c’mon, let’s go.” “you don’t think i’ll be too cold?” she asked while he walked out the door. “hurry up!” ---------“lemme go…” “no…one more kiss,” landon kept his hands and lips on her as she tried to get out of the car. “you’ve been saying that for the past five minutes,” she mumbled thoroughly enjoying the physical attention. “call me when you’re done.” “i know, i know…i’m really leaving this time,” she opened the door and then changed her mind before throwing herself back into his arms for one more kiss. “okay, okay…now i’m really leaving.” kayla finally exited the car and blew him another smooch before dashing into the hospital feeling like a smitten teenager who just received a first kiss by her crush. she knew the giddiness wouldn’t last forever, but decided to enjoy the

lovesickness while it lasted. they’d eventually become an old married couple and the thought of that made her laugh. landon and she had no grand illusions about marriage especially since neither had great examples of faithfulness or commitment from their parents. landon was terrified he’d end up being an adulterating jerk like his father, kayla was scared she’d never learn to truly trust men, and they both had deep seeded issues about the fear of being abandoned. but as she nearly floated into the er, all she felt were butterflies, any sort of worries about what was to come couldn’t have been further from her consciousness. “ab’s running late, you’re lucky,” ron began commenting before doing a double take at kayla. “what’s up with you?” “nothing!” she replied over-enthusiastically with the perma-grin still attached to her face. “riiight…” his suspicious eyes followed her as she ducked into the lounge to put her things away. upon emerging she was attacked by lori. “you had sex, didn’t you!” “lori!” kayla exclaimed in admonishment, but then began giggling. “who!? you have to tell me!” “lori, i didn’t—” kayla began to explain, but was cut off when lori snatched her left hand and cursed in astonishment. “how can you even walk upright with that rock weighing you down!” “shh!” “what-ever! yeah right, ‘me and hockey-boy are just friends,’” lori mocked. kayla noticed the rest of the residents gathering to go upstairs for icu rounds and told lori she’d talk to her later. two hours later, the emergency room was surprisingly low key. “there were a lot of admins last night, huh?” she commented to rj. he grabbed a handful of paper clips and stepped about three feet back from the container. “yeah, tim’s the biggest sieve there is,” he muttered about one of their fellow residents. one of the goals of the emergency room was to prevent admittances. “lovely. where’s lori?” he shrugged and then cursed when he missed two shots in a row. “are you with me all day?” “yup.” she watched him miss another shot. “you gonna be doin’ that for awhile?”

“fer sure.” --------kayla, rj, lori, another nurse, and the shrink on call were engaged in a heavy competition of h-o-r-s-e with r.j’s paper clips about an hour later. “aw, soy crappy!” carmen, the on call nurse, shrieked in her heavy spanish accent after missing her last shot. “you miss this kayla, i wanna extra large breve.” “bite me,” she growled narrowing her eyes in deep concentration. “rj, kayla! one of you take this one!” the paper clip bounced off the side of the cup. “yesssss….” rj began pumping his fist. “interference!” she protested and they looked over at ab who had yelled at them in the middle of her attempt. “this guy looks sketchy,” ab raised his eyebrow. “i got it.” kayla volunteered. ab was about to turn and craned his neck to look at the scattered paper clips strewn around the counter and on the floor. “you guys know there are patients in the waiting room?” “yeah, one is william and his two buddies and the other is waiting for the social worker with her mom.” “can you send william and company packing?” “they’re just cold. give em’ break,” kayla whined. “they’re here for the free coffee.” “oh…my bad! why don’t you invite them back here to join in the little party you got goin’on!?” he shouted sardonically. the four of them glanced at each other and shrugged in consideration. it would be fun with three more players “aw…jesus christ…!” “if you ask in a nicer tone, he might actually help you out,” kayla replied in a sing song voice. she had often wondered why society chose jesus’ name as a curse. it’s not like people went around saying “aw…muhammad or for buddha’s sake!” to vent their frustration. “i got the coffee kay, if you wanna grab joe schmoe,” r.j offered.

“deal.” she skipped past ab into the room were schmoe was waiting. kayla sized up schmoe instantly when she entered into the room. he was a caucasian man in about his early twenties and greasy streaks of black overgrown hair clung to his forehead. “so…you have pain in your lower back?” she asked dryly. “yeah…you the doc? it’s really killing me. i was in a car accident about a week ago… hasn’t gone away.” he arched his back and began rubbing. “were you admitted for this accident?” “nah…the ah…pain didn’t show till the next day and i ain’t got no insurance, but it hurts real bad. i mean you guys can gimme somthin’ for the pain right?” he winced again and massaged the same spot. “could i have you take off your shirt?” schmoe leered at her. “ain’t that a little forward doc…doc what? what’s your name? you too pretty to be a doc.” “my name’s dr. moore and i need you to take off your shirt so i can check for bruising,” she lied. she wanted to look for track marks. he removed his shirt to reveal a heavy arsenal of tattoos. it reminded her of landon’s tattoo, except his was sexy. schmoe’s were faded and messy as if the guy who administered the ink had tourettes syndrome and tried to undo his mistakes with a pencil eraser. she moved around to his back and began pushing lightly around his tailbone. “does it hurt when i do this?” “ah…yeah….” “how ‘bout here.” “yeah, yeah….there too.” kayla moved around to his front. “could i have you hold your arms out to the side for me?” “why?” he narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “checking your mobility,” she lied subtly examining his extremities, but it was too difficult to really see with all the tattoos. he began shaking his knee. “it didn’t hurt when you raise your arms?” “no…i mean…ah sorta?” he growled. kayla nodded slowly. it was time to get the floor doctor or call security. she could tell when an addict was about to snap.

“l-look, i just need some painkillers and you can let me go.” “well…it’s not that easy. you don’t have any insurance.” “c’mon….you guys got samples or sumpin?’” “why don’t you just sit tight for a sec, okay? i’ll see what i can do.” she left the room and paged the supervising doctor when she didn’t see him right away. he called back within a couple of minutes and told her to have the psychiatrist talk to the patient. she glanced around and didn’t see the shrink in sight either from their earlier paperclip shoot-out. when the psychiatrist made it to the floor kayla led him to joe-schmoe, but the room was empty. she immediately began interrogating the nearest people around, but none of them noticed the patient take off. angered and frustrated that a drug addict in desperate need of a fix was loose, kayla didn’t know who to yell at first, but realized it was mostly her fault for not having someone attend to him while she called in a more qualified person. kayla sat down to look at joe’s intake sheet, but it was pointless, he’d probably lied on every question. something didn’t feel right with him…she shouldn’t have let him get away. ---------“i’ll be ready in twenty minutes,” kayla stated to landon over the phone. he told her he’d be waiting for her outside in exactly twenty minutes. on the way to pick her up though, landon noticed he was out of gas. he could just pick her up first and then stop, but figured it was on the way and wouldn’t take long. it was pleasantly warm outside after the rain as the stars began peeking out from the receding clouds and kayla decided she didn’t mind waiting outdoors a few minutes early for him. she had changed into her dress and high heels, but kept her white coat on over it to keep her warm while she paced back and forth lost in thought over what landon possibly had planned for them. “miss, miss!” kayla whipped her head in the direction of the desperate shouts. a shaggy dark skinned man who appeared to be in his late twenties frantically ran up to her. “are you a doctor?” he asked out of breath. kayla nodded. “we need your help,” he tugged at her coat sleeve. “let me go get a medic,” she began to turn, but the man was insistent. “no, no…please,” he began dragging her. kayla reluctantly jogged after him and dug around in her purse to page the unit on her phone.

she glanced up to see the man had led her to a narrow alley between the tall buildings. before she had time to scream a rough hand slid over her mouth at the same time a sharp, unbearable pain sliced through the left side of her abdomen. it took her a moment to register why the voice of her capture sounded familiar. you stupid, stupid woman, she cried to herself first for being so gullible and the second reason…because she was now paying for her earlier mistake of letting the drug addict escape. ---------landon pulled up five minutes late and tried kayla’s cell one more time, surprised she wasn’t answering. he couldn’t understand why he suddenly felt so worried and chastised himself because there were probably a dozen reasons why she wasn’t answering her phone or waiting for him. he finally put the hazards on and left the engine idling to run inside quickly. an emergency probably came up and she couldn’t get free. upon walking into the er, there was a tension unlike anything he’d ever felt before and it seemed to suck the breath right out of him. landon grabbed the first official hospital staff he could get his hands on. “do you know where doctor moore is?” “um-i’m sorry, i don’t…” stammered the staff person. landon moved onto the next person who looked familiar; a nurse he’d met before from all the numerous times he’d visited kayla while she was on call. when he caught her eye, the nurse immediately covered her quivering mouth in shock. “where is she?” landon whispered not recognizing his own voice. lori hurried around and grabbed landon’s arm to move him aside to a place where she could explain, but even she was still fuzzy on the details. “they brought her in about five minutes ago, i told her not to wait outside for you—” “where is she!?” landon screamed louder this time. “they’re taking care of her right now—” landon immediately lifted his head and began to move in an effort to find her. lori tightened her grip on him. “no, no…please, you have to stay here.” “what happened to her?” he cried. “i dunno, i dunno, but william carried her into the er.” “william, who the hell is william?” landon exclaimed. “he’s kayla’s homeless friend, at first we were confused and thought he had hurt her, but i think, i think he was just trying to help her!” “what!?”

“she was…” lori trailed off. “what!? she was what!?” “mugged or attacked…something… i dunno…” “i have to see her,” landon growled and ripped his arm from lori’s grasp. “no, please…if you want to help her, you have to stay calm. can you call her family?” landon squeezed his eyes shut in anguish. what was he going to say to dana when he didn’t even know what was going on? “please, can you just go see what’s happening?” he begged lori. she nodded and dashed off while landon reluctantly pulled out his cell phone with a shaking hand. “dana!?” he cried into the phone when he heard her answer. immediately, perhaps on account of a mother’s own sixth sense she knew. “landon… what’s happened to kayla?” he swallowed a panicked lump down his throat and just told her to come as soon as possible to hcmc. flipping the phone shut he brought it to his forehead and clenched his eyes shut pacing back and forth for what seemed like hours. this wasn’t happening. he vaguely registered a voice over the intercom asking for someone to claim a black range rover idling outside. cursing to himself, landon muttered, “tow the damn thing for all i care...” it was taking far too much time for lori to return so he made his way over to the doors she had disappeared through disregarding the hospital authorized personnel only sign. his eyes were drawn to a flurry of activity around a bed and he caught of glimpse of a familiar piece of blue fabric dangling off the edge, hands covered in bloody gloves…and then…as someone shifted positions he saw a glint of the bright florescent light strike off of a few stray golden locks. “no…” he slowly began wailing before a pair of hands grabbed him and began rushing him out the door from where he entered. he recognized lori’s voice. “landon…you can’t be here! what were you doing!?” landon glanced down at lori who still had her hands firmly fastened to his black lightweight jacket. “tell me she’s okay…and tell me what the hell happened to her… why can’t i see her!” frightened, but understanding landon’s rage, lori backed off a few steps and licked her lips trying to decide how much information to release, but thankfully she didn’t have to say a word as someone else diverted their attention. “landon!” he recognized dana’s voice and snatched up her small body when she rushed to meet him.

“what happened!?” she sobbed. “what happened!? where is she? where is she?”dana looked into landon’s eyes. now speechless, landon allowed lori to guide them over to the waiting area and he crumpled into a chair. lori simply mumbled something about kayla “being fine…she’ll be okay…” before dashing off. dana turned at the sound of someone clearing their throat. “are you kayla moore’s family?” landon stood to his feet upon recognizing a police officer. “i’m officer bouchard,” the policeman offered his hand to dana. “are you kayla moore’s mother?” dana nodded and weakly accepted the handshake. the officer turned to landon. “ and—” “this is her fiancé, landon stern,” dana spoke up. “is she okay? who did this to her?” the officer hesitated for a second as if searching for the proper words. “follow me for a sec.” he led them towards a family conference room and closed the door behind them before continuing. “kayla was…we believed probably lured from outside to the alley where she was physically and sexually assaulted.” “nooo!” dana began to weep violently fell onto the couch. “this is my fault,” landon gasped. “oh god, if only i had—” “did you catch who did this!?” dana wailed once more. “well…” he stared down into his hands. open. close. no words came out. “who!?” landon demanded picturing the thousands of ways he’d torture the son of a bitch. “well, someone intervened and the man was found with severe neck wound…and brought in about ten minutes after kayla…” landon narrowed his eyes suddenly seeing red. “is he?” “he’s in the intensive care.” “here!?” landon snapped and bolted out the door before waiting for an answer. “ohmagod where’s he going!?” dana jumped to her feet and followed the officer out of the room. regretting telling landon the truth, the officer paged security as best as he could while

running after landon. landon remembered kayla showing him where the icu was once and tore open the door leading to the fourth floor after climbing the stairs. he careened right like a hound in search of its victim; his nose of revenge would lead him straight to the perpetrator’s death bed. he headed toward the t at the end of the hall and slammed into the large floral painting that was misplaced amidst the hellish circumstances and began lurking the stark hallways. running down one corridor only to turn around and run back in the other direction trying to read the signs that at the moment seemed to be written in any other language except for english. it was as if he was in maze and needed to find the way out before he ran out of time. he stopped and swiveled his head back and forth. then he caught sight of two security guards making their way towards him on his right. “hey! stay right there!” one of them warned as they began to pick up their pace. left was his only option now. cursing that he wasn’t on skates because no one in hell could catch him on his skates, he didn’t make it far because just as he turned, an overweight linebacker of a guard tackled him to the ground. the other two were on top of him immediately. “let me go!” he screamed and thrashed around. his shoes made contact with something soft and he heard an “oof…” followed by a thump. one down. two to go. “landon! stop!” somewhere in the haze of the blackness he heard dana’s voice…it sounded too much like kayla’s. “stop! just let him go!” her voice got closer and every fiber of his muscle suddenly wilted once he felt her tiny arms wrap around his chest. dana lifted him to a sitting position and cradled his head on her shoulder like a boy who had just skinned his knee on the playground after the bully had shoved him down. except no one was teasing him now for surrendering to his “mommy.” he threw his arms around her and grabbed fistfuls of clothing; gathering it tighter and tighter in his grasp. images of her golden hair, her smile…the blue dress he had grabbed from her closet this morning, but now covered in blood, distorted…they were suffocating him. his anguished sobs echoed through the hallways despite being half-muffled into her shoulder. “i wanna kill him…i wanna kill h-i-i-mmm…oh g-aw-aw-awd…” -----------

he remembered kissing her in the rain. “i thought about it…” the smile graced his lips reflexively when he remembered her response to his proposal under the streetlights, soaking wet. he had been holding her as if nothing in the world could pry his arms from her. how could he love her so much and yet even more with every passing minute of the day; never thinking it was possible to feel that way about another person? i was late. five minutes…if only i had been there…. landon choked back a sob. i could have waited and picked her up first. she wouldn’t have been waiting for me… “i know now you are the only man i was meant to call my husband.” he pleaded to god for that to still be true. “i’ll do anything…please…” he begged quietly through his sobs; pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes to hold back the tears. as much as he knew that life would go on if he lost her, his heart told him otherwise. he tortured himself remembering the way it felt to lace his fingers through hers; the way her body tasted on his lips, her mouth; the sweetness of her breath; the smoothness of her skin; the way she could fold her tiny frame into his lap as he held her; how it felt to comb his fingers through her thick golden hair; those unbelievable eyes that still managed to have a child like innocence about them despite everything she had been through. he could hear her voice, her contagious giggle; relished in the memory of her breathtaking smile, the smell of her perfume. the thought of what it would feel like to make love to her slipped inside his consciousness for a split second. “landon?” he looked up from his slouched position in the conference room he’d been in before bolting out like a maniac. they had coaxed him back into it and allowed him some time alone to calm down. dana had gone to call family and friends to let them know. lifting his head slowly he saw an object crouched before him. it was like a picture through a waterfall; everything indistinct. he blinked and for a moment and recognized the object. it was kayla’s older brother, bryan. “kayla’s out of surgery and should be coming around soon. the doctor wanted to talk to all of us.” bryan offered his hand and landon weakly accepted it as he was helped to his feet. neither one said a word as landon followed. upon reaching the doors leading into the icu, they were met by dana and another man that landon recognized only from the resemblance in the eyes. it was kayla’s father, richard. landon glared at him. how dare he show up after all this time of basically ignoring his only daughter who lived a mere thirty minutes away? “oh good, bryan, you found him,” dana sighed. landon then turned his attention to a man dressed all in blue; head to toe; except for his face; a little tan with a crooked nose and grey eyes. “i’m doctor daniels an ent specialist—”

“can i see her?” landon interrupted. “ah…yes…but…” the doctor held up a hand refraining landon from saying or doing anything further. “i thought i’d answer some questions beforehand.” “yeah, like why you even attempted to help the bastard who did this to her,” landon growled. dr. daniels shifted his eyes warily towards the professional hockey player and chose to ignore the comment as he focused on the rest of kayla moore’s more reserved family members. “kayla should be okay—” “oh, thank god!” dana cried bringing a hand up to her chest. “but… “there’s a but?” landon interjected. the doctor sighed heavily trying to hide his irritation at being interrupted every two seconds. “she suffered severe trauma to her neck as a result of strangulation—” landon cursed kayla’s attacker while clenching his fists. “um…” dr. daniels glanced nervously at the other three and continued. “there are fractures to the cartilage surrounding her larynx and hyoid bone, mainly the cricoid cartilage which caused the recurrent laryngeal nerves some damage—” “english, please?” landon combed his fingers through his hair in frustration. the doctor sighed. “well, the good news is, even though the nerves are damaged, she’s breathing on her own, but there is also the possibility that she may be unable to communicate.” “you mean she can’t talk?” dana whined. the doctor nodded. “at least for now. our main concern was making sure she could breathe. it may take awhile to see how much, if any, speech capability she has.” “but she’s okay?” dana reiterated. “yeah…um…she also suffered a minor amount of blood loss due to a wound in the lower left quadrant of her abdomen, but thankfully without any organ damage. we’re gonna keep her in icu for another twenty four hours before transferring her to the floor.” “and what about the bastard who did this?” landon asked in a low threatening voice. “the police will be able to answer your questions about that, i’m afraid i can’t.” “just tell me if he’s alive.” the doctor squared his shoulders. “i think your fiancée should be your main concern right now.”

landon was about to retort when dana latched onto his arm and pulled him in the opposite direction. the four of them made their way through the icu doors towards kayla’s bed. landon held back as the rest of them surrounded her because he didn’t think his legs could carry him over as he began to shake at the sight before him. all he saw were the deep bruises infiltrating her once smooth and flawless neck. but when he was finally at her side, it was as if he was almost afraid to touch her; the moment he reached out to lay a hand on her face, he’d find she was just a ghost. trembling, he gently placed his palms on her cheeks. “baby?” he whispered lightly caressing her lips with his. the only response he received was the monotonous bleep bleep of the heart monitors. she made no move to kiss him back and instead remained motionless. landon drew his face back and looked into her eyes. slowly, the blue color was revealed as she lifted her eyelids, but they were dull with pain. his eyes; blurry with horror darted up to dana’s. she shook her head and methodically continued to pet kayla’s head as the tears flowed down in two perfect endless streams. landon gripped the silver bed railing and hunched over trying to contain the beast within as his breath came in heavy staccato beats. he dared another look at what was left of his fiancée. her eyes were focused on his more intently, but he couldn’t read them...that is… until they filled with tears. he released a painful sigh. “it’s gonna be okay,” his voice choked out and landon placed his palms back on either side of her head and lowered his forehead to touch her own. “i’m gonna take you home, everything’s gonna be fine…i promise…” he whispered fervently in her ear. kayla found a hand and brought it up to clench a fist of his dress shirt between her weak fingers. his scent brought her the first soothing relief since waking up in utter confusion and pain. all she could remember up to that point was landon dropping her off at work. everything else was a haze, but from the look on everyone’s face and the fact she couldn’t talk led her to the knowledge that perhaps she didn’t want to know how she had ended up in a hospital bed. “kayla?” kayla turned slightly and peered at her mother. “honey, mattie is on his way in from colorado.” kayla nodded blandly and turned back to landon. she opened her mouth to speak, but reflexively closed as the realization shot through her once more. her voice was gone.

kayla opened her eyes after falling asleep from more painkillers not recognizing the surroundings. they must have transferred her already. she nearly began crying all over again afraid she’d woken up from a beautifully haunting dream and that she really wasn’t engaged to landon. panicked, she raised her left hand to look for the engagement ring. it wasn’t there. “looking for this?” kayla turned her head and stared into the deepest set of loving brown eyes peering behind a sparking diamond he was twirling in his fingers. “they removed all your jewelry.” the corners of her mouth turned up automatically. landon leaned over to play with her hair. “there’s that gorgeous smile i’ve been dying to see,” he stated softly as he kissed her on the forehead. he gently took her hand and placed the ring back on before nuzzling her palm against his cheek. they continued to gaze at each other in silence; landon resumed playing with her locks absent-mindedly. she reached up to still his fingers and opened her mouth only to close it in frustration. “can you write?” he asked. kayla frowned and shrugged. “wait,” he dashed off to the nurse’s station and grabbed a pen and pad. “here,” he gently laid them on her lap. she picked it up and wrote. what happened? he furrowed his brow. “you mean…you don’t…remember?” she shook her head slowly. landon wasn’t sure how much to tell her. within the twenty four hours she’d been in and out of consciousness, the police were able to piece together what had happened. it was the drug addict, joe schmoe she had seen earlier in the er and he had an accomplice lure kayla to where he was. whether out of bitterness or a psychotic drug induced rage, the man had almost succeeded in choking her to death until william, the homeless schizophrenic, miraculously intervened and knocked the guy out with a glass beer bottle and then used the broken end to slice his throat nearly in half. there wasn’t much the doctors could do to save him. he died within the two hours they had brought him in. landon wanted to find william to thank him or reward him, but william had strangely disappeared from police custody…or they “accidentally” lost track of him when they

found out he was only trying to save kayla. kayla huffed in impatience and underlined what she’d written emphatically. landon bit his lip and blinked back a few tired tears. “someone hurt you,” he whispered. who? landon sighed. “a stranger. you were waiting for me outside of the hospital after work… you probably thought someone was in trouble. the sonuvabitch tricked you…but it’s my fault…” he clenched his teeth in shameful anger. kayla slowly shook her head and placed her hand on his cheek. “if only i’d shown up five minutes earlier, i might have—” but he couldn’t finish his sentence as he choked back a sob. kayla kept her hand where it was on his face and led it toward hers. she had no idea what he was talking about, but right now what she wanted to communicate required no words. “i’m so sorry,” he kept muttering over and over until she found his lips with hers. he kissed her back trying not to be too aggressive, but he had almost convinced himself that he’d never be able to feel that amazing sensation again. kayla felt it too and it seemed to take them to another world for a moment apart from the present circumstances. it wasn’t meant to last though as the nurse came in and interrupted them. “kayla, honey, you think you can use the bathroom?” she shrugged and began shifting herself into an upright position once again reminded of the sharp pain that flared up from her gut. “easy…” landon mumbled biting his lip in agony. every time she winced in pain it felt like someone had a voodoo doll and was using it to poke him straight through the heart with a skewer. “atta girl…” the overweight nurse gently helped ease kayla out of the bed. landon stood back afraid to touch her. kayla made it into the bathroom insisting she didn’t need any help and closed the door. when she turned her head, she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror. no, god…no…she brought a shaky hand to cover the bruises on her throat and choked out an anguished sob. i don’t want to remember…she screamed silently as violent recollections began ebbing their way into her memory. kayla backed away and then slowly began examining the rest of her injuries. the soreness emanating from between her thighs caused her body to shudder in utter revulsion at the realization. crumpling down to the floor, she watched her tears drip on the tile. god, how could you let this happen to

me…how? landon tapped his foot impatiently in his seat and grabbed the remote to see if anything was on television. he looked at the clock. kayla had been in the bathroom for over five minutes. it couldn’t have taken her that long…and then the thought struck him. she still hadn’t been totally aware of why she was in the hospital, and worse, one look in the mirror and she’d have to imagine all the horrible scenarios. bursting to his feet, he rushed over to the door and knocked on it. “kayla!?” there was no response. “baby? are you all right in there?” and then he kicked himself. even if she was fine, she couldn’t very well respond. landon paced a few more minutes until panic seized him. he tried to open the door and much to his relief it wasn’t locked. opening it up slowly, he glanced down feeling his heart shatter when her tear stained face cried out to him. dropping to his knees, landon tried to take her in his arms, but she gasped sharply from the pain in her side, but he managed to wrap her arms around his neck. ever so delicately, landon finally was able to gather her up in his embrace and carry her back to the bed. once he was sure she was settled, he didn’t hesitate to climb in next to her and cradle her. kayla knotted her fingers through his wrinkled shirt grateful he was able to read her mind when he put himself in the bed as well. and then she suddenly remembered that he was supposed to have picked her up to take her out to celebrate their engagement. instead… landon kissed the top of her over and over and caressed the tears away from her cheek doing his best not to sob either. the same heavy set nurse came back in perplexed at the sight of seeing landon in bed. “what are you doing?” she asked irritated. landon snapped his head up and glared at her. “get the hell outta here!” he barked. aghast, the nurse backed away and out of the room. ---------“i’m sorry, but the nurse wasn’t aware that kayla didn’t recall what had happened…or that she hadn’t even been informed of the exact details of her trauma yet!” “when can she be released,” landon replied in a deep voice through his set jaw as he leaned against the wall. he was back in another family consult room with dr. laura price, the on-call shrink along

the rest of kayla’s immediate family who were all seated about forty-five minutes after the incident in the bathroom. “well, at least a couple more days. luckily, her initial ct showed no signs of brain damage and so we can assume that the amnesia is most likely due to a form of repression. it’s quite common in victims of violent crimes.” “so what…she could just regain her memory at any instance?” dana asked sitting close next to her ex-husband. matt and bryan were seated on the couch opposite of their parents. “well…i don’t really know. it’s not exactly predictable.” “yeah, but what happens when…when she does remember?” kayla’s father asked. “kayla knows now that something traumatic happened to her, but i need you all to not push her to remember, but to be patient when she does. i can’t tell you how she’s going to react. but someone needs to be with her at all times in case…” “in case what?” dana tightened the grip she had on richard’s hand. “she’s going to need someone to reassure her that she’s safe and can deal with the memories. um, i think it’s best if she’s not alone for awhile.” “she can stay with me,” landon and dana both stated at the same time. “um…dana, i don’t want to step on your toes as a mother, but i have the time to be with her. you wouldn’t have to take off work or anything.” dana sighed forlornly. “please?” landon begged. “i need to be with her.” “i-i can help out too,” richard volunteered. landon shot him a menacing glare. “you think you can waltz back into her life now and pick up where you left off twenty years ago!?” “landon!” dana exclaimed. “that was completely uncalled for!” “landon, i think it would be best to set up some times for us to talk—” dr. price interjected. “talk!? talk about what?” “how this is affecting you, what you’re feeling—” he snorted. “wha-what i’m feeling? you guys are all the same. how ‘bout instead i save you and me both the time of figuring out how i feel…”landon began kicking the crap out of the small metal garbage can sitting innocently next to the end table while growling between kicks, “that’s… how…i … feel!” he finished his assault and stormed out the

room. the remaining five of them stared at each other in silent disbelief before matt piped in and laughed uncomfortably. “well, i think ah…i think that went pretty well, ya?” dr. price rolled her eyes and dashed out of the room to run after landon in case he began punching and kicking holes in the wall. she called out to him from down the hallway. he stopped and turned around; remorseful. “i’m sorry. i just—” “landon, it’s okay. what happened to kayla has probably affected you the deepest out of everyone. i know that. it’s why you need to be the most careful around her.” “what do you mean?” “be delicate with her okay? just because she doesn’t consciously remember the rape, there’s plenty of other side effects that can happen. physical touch is the most important.” “i can’t…?” “don’t push her to have sex, landon,” dr. price stated bluntly. “oh.” “i’m not trying to assume anything by stating that—” “no…it’s okay, i understand,” he answered softly staring at the ground once more trying to contain the rage building up inside. landon smothered his hand over his face in frustration and cursed the culprit once more to himself quietly. he had taken away the one thing from kayla and landon that was sacred to the both of them. “she’s not…pr—” he felt as if he were going to throw up if he had to finish the question. dr. price shook her head. “no, she’s not pregnant.” he sighed in relief. usually the ‘p’ word was one that would have made him excited had it been his child kayla was carrying. instead it sounded like a four letter word. “and she doesn’t have any…?” “no, no stds or viruses.” he nodded numbly feeling at least some relief. the psychiatrist laid an arm on landon. “i’d still like to see kayla once a week if i can… or if not me someone else, but it’s up to her, and you should talk to someone too…watching the one you love heal is just as painful…if not more.” landon shook his head lightly to himself. he’d gladly take on all of kayla’s grief. ---------kayla shot her eyes open in fright and placed a hand over her heart to still the beating from the nightmare. it was dark in the hospital room. her eyes adjusted to the dimness and

glanced around. immediate relief flooded her system when she saw landon attempting to use to use a chair as a bed. he was slumped down in one with his long legs propped up on another. a snug fitting white long sleeved t-shirt revealed the rising and falling of his well defined chest and biceps from his crossed arms and his navy blue boxer briefs could be seen peeking out of his worn jeans. would he still want her knowing another man had violated her? bitter anger welled up inside her throat. she wanted so badly to call out landon’s name and have him crawl in bed beside her and comfort her like he had yesterday. instead, she settled for simply caressing every inch of him with her eyes for awhile. landon snorted and shifted uncomfortably ungluing his eyelids for a moment to glance at kayla to make sure she was all right, but to his surprise, her eyes caught his own. “what’ya doin’ awake, little one?” he slowly rose to his feet and arched his back to release the kinks. she leaned over and grabbed the pad and pen from the night table and scribbled on it. have you been here every night? “of course,” he whispered leaning down to caress her forehead with his lips. they could have at least gotten you a bed! what kind of hospital is this? he laughed softly. “i was too macho to accept.” there’s room in this one. she did her best to scoot over. “i though this was against regulation.” she eyed him with a tease in her eyes and shook her head slowly. “good answer.” her smile grew as he delicately crawled in beside her. his body was heaven as she snuggled up next to him. “go back to sleep,” he whispered against her lips before touching them lightly with his own. i’m sorry i messed this all up, she wanted to cry out to him feeling somehow she was to blame for getting hurt. i’m so sorry…she had no way of knowing that he was silently blaming himself too as they both drifted off; each taking comfort in feeling the other’s soft breath against their mouths. ----------“well, well…look what we have here. am i going to have to order breakfast for two now?” landon and kayla awoke slowly from what had been the best night of sleep for either of them in a while. the nurse who had teased them didn’t seemed one bit perturbed. she

looked to be in her fifties and a heavy minnesotan accent emerged from her brightly painted pink lips. “sorry,” landon mumbled while gently climbing out of the bed even though he wasn’t sorry one bit. the nurse simply waved her hand. “oh, honey…you two looked so cute, none of us wanted to wake you up!” landon glanced at kayla and she blushed. he turned back towards the nurse. “do you know what time her ct scan is again?” “um…i think it was for 7:30, but i can double check,” she waddled out of the room. he turned his attention back to kayla and sat down on the edge, taking her hand into his. pressing his lips against it, he asked how she slept. she mouthed the word ‘perfect’ and brushed her knuckles along his stubby five-o-clock shadow. “me too,” he smiled deeply. kayla knew he wasn’t lying, but he still looked exhausted. she found her pen and paper. you need to go home and rest. i’ll be fine. he gazed at her longingly as if he left her side for one moment, she’d suddenly disappear. kayla’s heart fluttered from his intense gaze. would he always be able to make her melt with just one look? ‘please?’ she mouthed and pointed towards the door. ‘go.’ landon leaned forward and cupped her chin. “i love you,” he breathed slowly against her lips before lightly touching them with his own. she responded; wanting to deepen their kiss, but he pulled back and smoothed her cheek. “is it okay if i bring by a few visitors?” he asked. kayla nodded and smiled with apprehension about having to converse with people without use of her voice. hopefully the ct scan in an hour would give her some more definitive answers. “all right, little one,” he rose to his feet and dropped another gentle kiss on her forehead. “i’ll be back soon.” he ran into dana on his way out of kayla’s room. “oh, landon! honey…” she stopped and placed a hand on his cheek. “go home and get some sleep.” landon smiled inwardly, he’d pretty much already become her third son. “i’m fine… honestly. um, before i forget. do you think they’d let me bring in clive?” dana raised her eyebrows in excitement. “oh she’d love that! why don’t you ask one of the nurses.”

landon had no trouble sweet-talking the powers that be and made his way out to the parking garage where his ducati 1000ds was parked. it was probably stupid to bring his italian sport bike downtown, but at this point, he wasn’t thinking of much else besides the fact the woman who had his heart was sitting in a hospital bed. his usual method of transportation, the range rover had been towed, but he was in no hurry to pick it up. he kept his tears in check as he revved up the engine. it reminded him of the plans he had for him and kayla to celebrate when he picked her up. they weren’t going to go anyplace fancy, just an upscale restaurant/bar on hennepin and then he wanted to drive her around the lakes on the bike. instead of heading home and getting some much needed rest as he was ordered, he made his way over to cubbie’s house. it was seven thirty in the morning on a tuesday. he pulled into one of the many cul-de-sacs in edina, hopped off his bike and jogged up to the front door to ring it. landon heard small, but fast foot-steps hustle to the front door. when it was opened, he leaned down to greet the bubbly, brown-floppy haired person behind it. “hey, h-man…” he gave the four-year old a high five. “is your dad around?” “henry!” a feminine voice came trailing in toward them. “landon!” carly exclaimed in shock while self-consciously wrapping her bathrobe tighter. she glanced down at her son. “sweetie, go upstairs and get your daddy.” she invited him in and shut the door. “you okay?” one look at her concerned face and suddenly without warning all of landon’s defenses came crashing. leaning back against the door, he shoved the heels of his palms into his eyelids to keep the tears from overflowing, but he couldn’t. he had no idea how much emotion he had pent up. “oh god, i love her so much…” “oh my goodness,” carly’s heart broke at the sight and led him over to the sofa hoping matt would hurry up. “what happened? did she say ‘no?’” the only other people who knew landon was thinking of proposing to kayla were the johnsons. he’d grown comfortable confiding in them. landon furiously wiped his face with the back of his sleeve and sniffled. “no…she…” matt came down the stairs holding his son and stopped short at the sight in front of him. “lan?” he spoke and then set henry down after telling him to go watch a veggietales dvd in their bedroom. he walked over slowly and sat down on the other side of landon. carly glanced at him helplessly. the couple allowed landon to regain his composure before he choked out the details of everything that had transpired within the last forty-eight hours. when he finished, carly was crying even harder than landon had been. matt pulled landon into a tight brotherly embrace unsure of what else he could do. he was bereft of any words. “can we come see her?” carly asked. she decided to busy herself by straightening the

house up. “yeah, i think so…i’m sorry i came over like this without—” landon began, but carly interrupted him. “no, no, no…don’t you dare apologize. i just wish we’d known sooner. is there anything we can do?” landon began to shake his head and then released a quiet sardonic laugh. “yeah…could you maybe help me get my car from the impound?” --------dana ran a brush through kayla’s thick hair from her seat next her on the hospital bed. “mmm, you have such pretty hair, sweetheart. want me to do your make-up?” kayla shrugged her mom had brought over some make-up and other non-essential beauty products in an effort to brighten kayla’s spirits. the doctors were going to discuss the results of her scan she had earlier that morning later in the afternoon. kayla glanced up as her mom fished through the make-up bag and noticed another nurse bringing in some more flowers. all of kayla’s co-workers from the hospital had begun filling up the room with various vegetation, but thankfully didn’t stay long to “chat” since it was always a one sided conversation. when dana was about finished putting on some lip gloss, they both turned when they heard laughter outside and then a knock on the door. kayla began giggling inwardly and then winced from the pain it caused in her wound, but she still kept smiling at the sight. landon had brought clive, but apparently the dog had been giving him so much trouble, he just picked him up as if he was only a puppy, but clive must have weighed at least over eighty pounds. upon releasing the golden retriever, the dog bounded over to his beloved owner and sprung up to the bed. “aw…dammit!” landon cursed. “be careful you stupid dog!” he groaned noticing the unintentional pain he was causing kayla as he mauled her, but she looked so adorable as her eyes sparkled with glee. “how come i don’t get that kind of response when i come visit?” he grumbled at dana. she simply burst out laughing. “hey what’s going on in here!?” a cheerful voice came from behind landon, kayla and the other on-lookers waiting to get a chance to pet clive who had finally calmed down somewhat. landon turned to an unfamiliar face and glanced at the id badge: susan wilkins md. ent. she was a thin, pleasant looking woman with short brown hair and warm eyes to match.

“is this a bad time?” she laughed while walking over to greet the animal happily sitting next to kayla. kayla shook her shiny golden mane and smiled sweetly. dr. wilkins sat on the edge of the bed. “well…i have the ct results…” she glanced up at dana and landon as the remaining hospital staff wandered back out of the room. “…would you like um…them to stay?” kayla looked at the doctor quickly and saw it in her face. she didn’t want landon and her mom to hear the bad news. putting on a stoic smile before anyone could detect anything kayla quickly scrawled on a piece of paper. could you guys wait outside for a few minutes? landon glanced at it disconcerted. “why?” kayla raised her eyebrows as if to say: “don’t protest.” “what…the dog gets to stay?” kayla rolled her eyes at him and pointed to the door. dana nudged the both of them outside and closed it. dr. wilkin chuckled. “your fiancé?” kayla blushed and smiled reflexively. “have i seen him before?” she glanced back at the door. kayla scrawled: landon stern #12? “aw…of course. he looks a little different in civilian clothes.” she grinned and then paused for a second. “well…” not good, huh? kayla scribbled. the physician formed her lips into a cheerless smile. “well…you’re a doctor too…which version do you want?” is there hope of the nerves regenerating? kayla wrote. dr. wilkins shrugged. “well, anything is possible…but at this point...it’s pretty bizarre. the right laryngeal isn’t as damaged as the left so i can’t understand why you don’t have some functioning. how is your breathing?” ‘okay,’ she mouthed understanding why the doctor was perplexed. if anything she should at least have the ability to whisper. there were a few soft, hoarse sounds she could make, but it hurt to do so. “you might experience some issues during strenuous work or exercise, but we’ll have to wait and see.”

kayla stared off into some unknown distance. “well, you ready to go home?” dr. wilkins asked hoping to infuse some brightness. kayla turned her head back surprised. ‘today?’ she mouthed. the doctor nodded. “yeah, i think you’re probably capable of changing your own bandages, but is there someone who is going to be able to stay with you?” she nodded. landon had already informed her that she’d be staying with him. dr. wilkins scratched clive’s ears one more time and rose to her feet. “all right…i’ll see what i can do to get your papers ready.” kayla smiled and nodded gratefully. landon and dana immediately returned perplexed and hoping for answers. plastering a fake smile on her face, kayla shrugged her shoulders. ‘i’m fine.’ but they both saw right through her act. ---------there was a knock on the door. “ready, little one?” kayla smiled upon hearing his voice and rose to her feet. she glanced down at the wheelchair and frowned. “hospital rules, babe. you know that.” kayla rolled her eyes and slumped into the chair. dana moved about the room gathering the last remnants of kayla’s presents. landon then proceeded to speed her down the hallway and stop abruptly to pop wheelies while making race car noises. “landon!” dana shouted trying to jog to catch up to them. “be careful with her, sheesh!” “my love, what do you wanna do when we get home?” he asked bending down next to her while waiting for the elevator and took out an old receipt from his wallet while dana handed kayla a pen. kayla scribbled a note clandestinely and folded it in half before slipping it into landon’s fingers. he read it, rolled his eyes and laughed. “good thing i went shopping then, huh?” as he wheeled kayla out of the building into the fresh spring evening, several nurses and co-workers stopped to greet her and tell her to come back soon. ditching the wheelchair once they were outside, landon helped kayla and her mother into

the range rover that cub had helped him reclaim early that morning. he had then taken landon out to breakfast so they could talk. landon was surprised at the close bond he and matt were forming seeing as how they’d been teammates for three years and had never really gotten to know each other until now. on his way over to dana’s house to pick up clive after breakfast he had suddenly thought of a way he could hopefully make kayla’s homecoming more special and couldn’t wait till they got home. ----------after dropping dana off and making promises to see her the following day, landon and kayla were finally alone on the way back to his house. he reached over the consul and laced his fingers through hers; bringing the back of her hand up to his lips. “i was hoping you’d want to do more than just feast on chips and salsa,” he glanced over and chuckled. she had written on the slip of paper that she’d been craving them. ‘oh?’ she mouthed and genuinely grinned for the first time in what seemed like a long while. they could maybe pretend to pick up where they left off. the psychiatrist had told her to enjoy some time with her fiancé and not try too hard to remember what happened. after being told in medical terms what she’d been through, kayla hoped she’d never remember. what was going to happen to her when she did? it was one thing to know you’ve been sexually assaulted…quite another to actually remember it. when landon told her she would be staying with him until she fully recovered, it made her wonder how he had convinced her mother to relinquish ownership, but under the circumstances it wasn’t as if she and landon would be tempted to do anything other than kiss. she cringed inwardly, wondering if he’d look at her differently or be repulsed by the fact she’d been sexually violated. and worse, once she remembered, would she even desire to have his touch? he finally pulled into the driveway of an old multi-story victorian styled house in front of the three car garage-with a fourth garage built on the side. landon got out and walked around the passenger side to help her out. he leaned in and pecked her on the lips. “can i carry you?” kayla smirked and shook her head. “fine.” he pretended like he was going to walk away and then turned back quickly, slipped his arms under her and lifted her out before she could protest further. kicking the door shut with his leg he adjusted her in his arms. “hey, reach into my pocket and grab my keys, will ya?” she obliged and set the alarm on the car. he had her unlock the house door as well and when it was flung open, kayla gasped. the living room was filled with balloons, presents, cards, and more flowers than she was certain could fill an entire floral shop, but what her eye was drawn to was the aisle of red rose petals outlined by endless candles that made a path through the kitchen and out to the screened-in porch.

“welcome home,” landon whispered; still cradling her in his arms. he set her down and followed closely behind her as she made her way along the trail of petals. the porch was decorated in white christmas lights with sparkling strings of beads hanging down from the ceiling. ‘wow,’ she mouthed to him in delight. landon moved towards her and placed his fingers on her hips. “i had a little help,” he confessed silently thanking matt, carly and kayla’s family. “what you wanna do first? dance with me or open presents?” ‘presents!?’ “yeah, c’mon,” he replied excitedly grabbing her hand. she remained still and reached over to grab his other hand. “oh,” the deep grin revealed his dimples and he leaned over to turn on the stereo to cue up roberta flack’s slow and soft melody. as they danced, he whispered along with the soft lyrics into her ear. “first time…ever i saw your face…” he shouldn’t have tried so hard to be romantic. from her point of view, it felt forced. she avoided his kiss and slipped out of his arms. “what’d i do?” kayla shrugged her shoulders as she shook her head and bit back her tears as best as she could. it’s not as if i can even try to explain, she thought to herself bitterly. landon gently took hold of her arm and turned her to face him. “you wanna write to me?” his unusual patience with her only made her tears compound. she expected him to get frustrated and march off in a huff. what was wrong with her? of course he was trying too hard to make her happy. “clive is with your mom, want me to go get him? he always knows the right thing to say.” that succeeded in at least getting her to smile. kayla reached for his hand and pulled him into her. ‘i’m sorry,’ she mouthed. “you don’t have to be sorry for anything. i just don’t know what to do,” he pleaded brushing away her tears. “i’m not going anywhere though…okay? see this?” he held up her ring finger with the dazzling engagement diamond. “i kinda wanted to be stuck with you forever, if that’s still all right with you.” she nodded. he hesitantly leaned back down for another kiss thankful she didn’t pull away this time.

the taste of her sent pleasant surges throughout his body and he quickly released her, remembering what the doctor had told him about being gentle. resting his forehead against hers, he silently prayed for strength. it was so natural for a man to want to make love to his wife. not my wife yet…he sighed realizing he needed to learn the countless other ways to show love. kayla was relishing the tingling sensation that coursed all the way down to her toes and frowned when he pulled back. she felt his body tense and wanted to ask him what was wrong, but also afraid of what the answer may be. perhaps her earlier hunch had been correct. “i can’t believe i forgot your number one request,” he suddenly grabbed her hand, led her to the kitchen and found the chips and salsa. he opened the cupboards to look for some bowels. “you’re strange, little one. easy to please, but strange…” she giggled and snuck a tortilla chip from the bag. ---------landon led her upstairs to his bedroom after they had finished their snack. “this, my love, is where you’ll be staying.” kayla lifted a sly eyebrow. ‘and you?’ “you think i have any dishonorable intentions?” she nodded….hoping…. “you know me so well…i’ll be next door.” landon opened the door. kayla felt like a little kid in an amusement park. the entire bed was covered in packages. he rubbed his hands together in anticipation and led her over to the bed, clearing a spot for them to sit down. she propped herself up against the headboard, crossed her legs and then motioned for something to write on. landon got up to grab a pen and paper from his desk and situated himself in front her on the bed; extending his legs up on either side of her. what are these for? she wrote. “welcome home gifts…besides do i need an excuse to spoil you rotten?” kayla shook her head in giddy disbelief and shrugged her shoulders unsure of where to start. “here, open this one first.” landon handed her a flat rectangular box. kayla opened it and smiled sadly. it was a book on learning sign language. “it’s just until you get your voice back. i thought you’d get sick of writing all the time.”

she refused to cry, but she knew that there was the possibility that she’d never fully regain her voice back. ---------kayla slipped on her new robe and grabbed her supply of bandages to put a fresh one on. she entered into the adjoining master bathroom and shrugged the robe off, now wearing nothing except her heeled “barbie” slippers which was one of her presents. she smiled at the recollection of opening them. along with the new bedtime wear, he’d furnished an entire closet with new clothes for her, “barbie shoes” to go along with her “barbie” slippers, bathroom essentials and supplies of diet coke and her favorite candy. landon claimed that with dana and carly’s help he wanted her to have whatever she needed while she stayed with him. she asked what the point was if she had clothes of her own at her house. “i know, but now you don’t have to lug things back and forth and your mom said you’d never pass up a chance for a new wardrobe,” he had replied. she examined herself in the mirror critically. the bruises on her neck were now turning yellowish and there were the hints of a light scab from on her right temple. she delicately unwound the gauze and then pinched her stomach, slightly disappointed that her hospital stay hadn’t made her lose any weight. oh my goodness, kayla, she reprimanded herself. you could have died and here you’re being vain once more. has god not shown that life could be worse? she bit her lip though knowing why…controlling her weight and appearance was the only thing she felt like she could control. it made her feel powerful whenever present circumstances made her feel powerless. and right now, she’d never felt more powerless. use this time to lean on god. she sniffled back a tear. but i don’t want to! he allowed this and now he wants me to come to him for support? “all things god works for the good of those who love him…” she tried to remember the verse from romans. i just wish god could tell me now what good is going to come of this. trying to remove the bandage, she hissed as she peeled it off of her skin exposing her stitches. a few of them had bled through, but nothing serious. her long hair veiled her face as she twisted her body to wipe away the dried blood with some alcohol. landon hadn’t meant to walk in on her, but the bathroom door was open and he caught a full length view of her in the mirror’s reflection when he entered into the bedroom. from her vantage point he knew she couldn’t see him. and instead of alerting her his presence, he took a deep breath feeling guilty for acting like a peeping tom, but also thanking god for making the most beautiful woman he’d ever had known. every inch of her tiny body curved in all the right places, her golden hair framed her features and draped off one of her delicate shoulders, the small pouty lips pursed in concentration as she tended her wound. suddenly needing the urge to take a cold shower, he dashed out of the room. kayla glanced up in time to see him exit the room in silence. she looked back at her appearance in the mirror and her heart sank. and though deep down she knew it couldn’t be true, she could not help thinking that he had probably taken one look at her…and been repulsed.

quickly finishing her bandage, she wrapped a new roll of gauze around and secured it. after, brushing her teeth and taking out her contacts, kayla sunk underneath the bed covers. the sheets smelled like him and caused her heart and body to have a deep longing. allowing a tear to escape, she cried herself to sleep. about a half hour later, landon slowly pushed the bedroom door open, finding that she was already asleep even though the bathroom light had been left on. he quietly made his way over and gently smoothed her hair before placing a kiss on her temple. “i love you,” he whispered and glanced at her once more. the pillow was slightly damp and he examined her features. it was unmistakable that she had been crying. she didn’t think she could come to me? how many times a day could this woman cause his heart to ache so much? silently watching her for another few minutes, he turned off the bathroom light before making his way back to his own bed. grabbing the bible from his desk, landon flipped back to the front cover where kayla had written him a message before she gave it to him on christmas. landon, romans 8: 24 “for in this hope we were saved. but hope that is seen is no hope at all. who hopes for what he already has?” hope is a beautiful thing. who can explain the mysteries of god and who can explain the mystery of love? but there is one thing i’ve learned, for whatever reason it had to be this way, god paid the ultimate price of loving us in the “deepest, most tragic, most inexorable sense” by dying in our place. pretty cool, huh? always in my thoughts and prayers, kayla slowing sinking to his knees before the bed, landon buried his face in the covers. any price…i would pay any price for her to know the depths of my love …would i have known such love if god had never paid the price for me?

kayla slowly opened her eyes and glanced at the red digits on the alarm clock. it was three thirty two in the morning. another nightmare had jolted her awake similar to the one she’d had in the hospital only because the feelings upon waking up were the same even though she still couldn’t recall the content. go back to sleep…she tried the mantra over and over to no avail. sitting up, she ventured out of the bed and out of the door into the dark hallway. as she turned the corner to head down the stairs, she collided with another body. the sudden fright caught her so off guard, she lost her balance and was ready to tumble backwards downstairs when a strong grip snaked her by the arm and pulled her back.

the violent, but protective action, brought back the feelings that she’d woken up with only moments earlier and she fought not to cry, but it was as if her emotions and physical reactions were completely separate from her rationality. landon had been just as startled on his way upstairs from eating a snack hoping a full stomach would help him sleep. apparently, she’d had the same idea. he hadn’t meant for his grasp on her arm to be so forceful, but it was only a natural reflex and now she was a mess of tears and shivers in his arms. “hey…shhh….i’m so sorry, baby…shhh….you’re like a little mouse…i didn’t hear you….” he kept repeating soothing words until, he felt the tension release from her. kayla slid her arms up around his neck and clasped them tightly behind his neck. landon mimicked the same action as he encircled his arms around her waist and back. he rocked her slightly trying to calm her down. after what he deemed was an acceptable amount of time to hold her, he began loosening his embrace, but she tightened her neckhold; refusing to grant permission to let her go. that was fine with him, he could hold her forever, but not at the stair landing. sliding his arms down her backside he lifted kayla up allowing her to straddle her legs around him. a sense of overwhelming security engulfed kayla as he carried her back his bedroom where she’d been sleeping. he leaned her over the bed and relaxed his hold to drop her into the sheets, but she remained clinging to him. landon released a small chuckle. she reminded him of one of those stuffed monkeys with the abnormally long velcro limbs that you could attached together. “um…are you going to remain attached to me for the rest of the night?” kayla smiled to herself and nodded her head in the nape of his neck. “all right…let’s see how we can do this,” he leaned his head back and pressed his lips against her wet eyelashes. “if i get some paper, you wanna tell me what’s got you so spooked?” kayla shook her head. he frowned momentarily, but replaced it quickly with a smile and lifted one knee up on the bed and reached an arm out to balance the two of them. he wondered if she had any idea what this was doing to him physically. how come it is the more you’re told not to do something, the more you want to do it? they finally settled into the sheets with landon doing his best to elevate his body above hers to avoid suffocation and was able to maneuver their bodies so they were resting on their sides facing each other. kayla still insisted on knotting her legs between his and before he could catch his breath, her lips were on him. he responded at first with the delight of any red-blooded male being sexually attacked by a woman of his dreams until one of kayla’s hands began it’s descent down his bare chest closer to forbidden target. stop....wait, don’t stop….no…. remember what the doctor

said…but the doctor didn’t give him any advice on what to do if she wanted to be physically affectionate. landon decided to follow her lead, foregoing any guilty thoughts. he intensified their kiss and slid his hand around her waist. kayla gasped involuntarily and winced when his hand made contact with her wound. landon pulled back and cursed realizing where he had touched her. “i’m sorry…so sorry…did i hurt you bad?” he gingerly touched her waist. kayla shook her head and leaned back in to continue kissing him, but he relented. “no… we shouldn’t be doing this anyway. not like this.” landon glanced into her hurt-filled eyes. “c’mon, you know i want to....” she bit back a tear and nodded. it seemed like such an easy solution to have him take her away from the present circumstances with his caresses. even if they didn’t have sex, couldn’t they just fool around? reprimanding herself for such a lame justification, she laid her head on his chest and allowed the rhythmic beat of his heart and his gentle ministrations with her hair to send her drifting. ---------landon glanced at the clock on the microwave the next morning as the phone rang. it was nearly one o’clock in the afternoon. “hello?” he picked up the receiver. “hi landon, is kayla ready?” dana asked on the other line. “she’s…still sleeping,” he replied. “oh,” the disappointment in her voice was evident. “well, why don’t i come over anyway. i was going to bring clive.” he sighed and said that would be fine before hanging up. he adored dana, but sometimes he wished he didn’t have to share kayla with her. landon climbed the stairs, deciding to check on her when his cell rang. dashing back down, he picked up the phone from the counter. “hey, cub,” he responded upon seeing the caller id. “oh, it’s just me, landon,” carly replied. “hey, what’s up?” “we didn’t get a chance to see kayla yet and wanted to take you two out to dinner some time this week.” “um…yeah, sure. i’ll have to see how she’s feeling though.” “okay…and also, i wanted to throw you guys an engagement party, but was debating if it should be a surprise for kayla or not. what do you think?” he shook his head and paused for a second before opening his mouth to respond, but carly

beat him to it. “did she like the decoration and presents? i’m thinking though, that maybe we shouldn’t have the engagement party till until you decide on a date. have you?” “carly.” landon finally interjected. “why don’t i get back to you about dinner first, okay?” “of course! i’m sorry, you must be so exhausted.” “is cub around?” “he went to run some errands before picking up the kids from school, do you want me to have him call you?” “yeah that’d be great.” “okay, take care honey, and give kayla a kiss from us.” “i will. thanks.” he hung up and laughed to himself wondering how cub was able to manage his exuberant wife. making his way for the second time upstairs, he pushed the door open slightly and peeked in. kayla was lying awake with a far off expression in her eyes. “little one?” he whispered. she smiled softly as he made his way into the bed next to her and kissing her on the forehead. “your mom is coming over soon.” kayla rolled her eyes in annoyance. “you don’t wanna see her?” i don’t wanna see anyone. she shook her head and landon decided it was best not to ask why. “hungry?” she was starving, but shook her head once more. “what do you wanna do?” kayla slumped back under the covers and closed her eyes. “wanna keep sleeping?” she nodded slightly. it would take entirely too much effort to get ready for the day and she didn’t care. as long as she was in and out of consciousness, that would be enough for now to keep her happy. sleep was always her favorite method of escape. landon kissed her once more, disappointed she didn’t want to get going and spend the day with him. from the look on her face, he wondered if even her dog was going to cheer her up.

dana arrived at the house about twenty minutes later with clive. landon let her and the dog in and kissed kayla’s mother on the cheek. clive did his best to get landon’s attention by rubbing up against his legs. “c’mon boy,” he whistled and headed up the stairs. clive threw himself up the stairs ahead of landon and dana followed him to kayla’s room he knocked on the door as a warning and barely opened it a crack before clive burst through it and found his owner. kayla couldn’t help but smile and planted kissed in the dog’s fur. she lamented at the fact she couldn’t talk to him. “sweetheart! why are you still in bed!?” dana exclaimed rushing over and sitting on the side of the bed. “let’s go shopping…we could even eat at ruby tuesday’s.” kayla glanced at landon unable to read his terse expression from his stance by the door. she turned her attention back to dana and shook her head. “you don’t wanna go?” grimacing apologetically, kayla shook her head once more. “why don’t i come by tomorrow then?” kayla sighed and nodded her head. she lay back down under the covers and clive scooted closer to her as she threaded her fingers through him. dana shifted her eyes to landon in a silent plea for advice. he shrugged his shoulders. kayla’s mother rose to her feet, kissed the top of her daughter’s head and followed landon out of the room. “i brought clive’s stuff over. it amazes me still that she responds better to an animal than a human.” landon still remained silent as she followed him into the kitchen where he sat down in defeat. dana joined him across the table. “i guess we shouldn’t expect her to be her normal self. do you two have appointments to meet with the psychiatrist?” he shook his head. “i don’t think she wants to go.” “try,” dana insisted. “she’s stubborn when it comes to getting help. kay’s always thought her problems were her own fault and no one could help, but herself.” landon took a deep breath in. “dana…is she a lot different?” “what do you mean?” “does she seem happy with me?”

“of course! she loves you…” “no, i mean…” “oh…” it suddenly dawned on her. “it’s not worth comparing yourself to michael, landon. it’d be like comparing apples and oranges.” “well, i wish i knew which one she preferred…the apple or the orange.” dana shook her head lovingly as if to reprimand him. “sometimes…sometimes i think if i’d never come into her life, she’d be a lot happier right now.” “landon, this isn’t your fault.” he pursed his lips and shook his head not convinced. dana studied him for a few seconds realizing she wasn’t going to be the one to convince him otherwise. “i should go…will you call if she seems up to me coming over?” landon nodded and walked her to the door. when she was gone, he glanced up at the staircase wondering if he should go check on her, but sighed deeply making his way towards the garage. grabbing his skates, he threw them in the car and left. ---------kayla lay awake in bed, methodically rubbing clive’s velvet ears. after hearing the door leading out to the garage slam and the sound of a car speed away, she was sure landon had left; probably in a huff. she was in the dreaded state of not being tired, but her body was achingly lethargic. maybe it would be good for her to take clive for a walk; test how out of shape she was maybe by jogging a little. she lifted herself up into a sitting position and winced at the rock that had suddenly formed in her skull. some excedrin ought to take care of that. clive mirrored her movements and followed her into the bathroom watching his owner curiously pop a few pills, pull her hair into a pony tail, walk back to some dresser drawers, fish out a running outfit, put it on and then sit on the bed to slip her feet into a pair of running shoes. he recognized those movements and began dancing in circles in excitement; especially when she walked downstairs and grabbed his leash. kayla hooked the leash on his collar and headed outside across the street towards the lake. it was a beautiful day for spring; which in minnesota could tend to be non-existent. the season seemed unable to decide if it wanted to be winter or summer, never in between. as kayla stepped onto the path amongst other residents enjoying the weather, she allowed herself to smile realizing she was somewhat like the season at times. either hot or cold; never in between…well, she used to be that way, but the cruel and unusual circumstances had thrown her progress back a few years.

after strolling halfway around the three mile circumference, kayla decided to try jogging. she made it about a mile before stopping. it was a chore to breath with her nerves screwed up. damn the person that did this to her. he took away her purity, her voice, her ability to run. determined not to cry and not ready to return back to landon’s house, she just kept walking, occasionally trying to run again...a little further each time. kayla wasn’t sure how long she’d been away nor how many laps she’d made around the lake because she had also had walked over to lake calhoun which was less than a half mile away. it must have been too long though because landon was fuming when she returned. “i’ve been worried sick! why would you just leave without a note!?” kayla glared at him. she wasn’t an invalid. he released the tension from his body in surrender as he examined the scowl plastered on her adorable face. before either could pursue the argument further, the doorbell rang. they glanced at each other curiously and since kayla was closest, she opened it up to see amanda at the threshold….but peter and amanda weren’t supposed to be back for another three days. amanda wrapped her arms around kayla. “oh my god….honey…my mom told us everything…” she glanced at landon over kayla’s shoulder. he nodded in acknowledgement and turned to sulk downstairs to the basement leaving the two friends alone. kayla led her over to the couch then walked over to grab a pad of paper and pen. she wrote you weren’t supposed to be back yet. she sat down next to amanda and displayed the message. “kay…forget about us! a stupid honeymoon is nothing compared to you…and you’re engaged now?” she grabbed kayla’s left hand and “oohed” at the rock. kayla only sighed heavily. the engagement seemed like a sweet dream; not real. “i wish you could tell me all about it…but later. i have something else to tell you and i hope you don’t get mad…” glancing at her with raised eyebrows, kayla allowed her to continue. “well….” amanda fidgeted somewhat nervously. “i sorta found out about the accident before the engagement part and i called and told brandon.” kayla buried her face in her palms. “i know, i know…but he’ll understand…once you explain it to him.” her eyes grew wide, and kayla scribbled on the notepad. why do i have to explain it to him!?

biting her lip in guilt, amanda told her that brandon was driving down this weekend to see her. “but it’s more than that. he knows sign language. he could teach you! his little sister is deaf.” exhaling the tension, kayla turned and tried to smile at amanda. she mouthed ‘thanks.’ “and…i didn’t mean that you had to explain that you were engaged…i mean, i can do that. that is…if you want to get together with him.” shrugging was kayla’s only response. the silence ensued and suddenly amanda realized the gravity of the situation. she missed kayla’s voice. “well…you’ll get your voice back soon. i know it. and then you can tell me all about landon’s proposal, okay?” kayla offered her the most genuine smile she could muster and they hugged before she led amanda towards the door. landon emerged from his hiding place after hearing amanda's exit. “hey,” he muttered to his fiancée curled up on the couch. she smiled half-heartedly at him and grabbed the pad and paper. you’re right. i should have left you a note. sorry. he settled himself on the couch next to her and pulled her into him. “i’m just a little psycho-overprotective of you…sorry.” kayla snuggled further into his body. how could she remain upset after that declaration? ---------landon got up early the next morning to go workout with cub not as frustrated as last night after he and kayla practiced sign language from the book he’d given her and they watched a movie with chinese take-out. kayla opened her eyes when clive started barking and raced downstairs. she rose from the bed and glanced at her appearance before pulling on a robe and her barbi slippers. she heard the doorbell sound hesitantly once more and found clive barking at the person on the other side. opening it up, kayla immediately ran a hand through her hair mortified at her unsightly morning appearance. brandon’s lips curved into a smile when he saw her. “hey…if this is a bad time, just send me away,” he spoke with words as well as with his hands much to kayla’s surprise. she was impressed and held up a finger signaling him to wait a moment before she let him in. with her handy pen and paper, she wrote: no this is perfect timing. did you talk to amanda though?” he smiled and nodded towards the diamond on her finger. “i have to admit i was surprised, but…” brandon allowed the words to trail off. “would you like to go somewhere? i could take you out for breakfast or brunch.”

so are you going to be my tutor? “if you want, but i’m only here for the weekend.” her face fell. she liked brandon as a friend and it might be worthwhile to have a sigh language tutor for her and landon. let me get dressed and i’ll be down soon. clive can keep you company. he chuckled upon reading the words and clive immediately warmed up to brandon recognizing the dog lover in him. kayla dashed upstairs, brushed her teeth, put some deodorant and perfume on and ran a brush through her hair. she decided to wear a pair of khaki capris with a blue tank top over a long white one with spaghetti straps. snagging a jean jacket after slipping on a pair of heeled tan sandals, she bounced down the stairs feeling a lot more chipper than she’d had in the past week since coming home from the hospital. they were about to leave when she remembered to leave landon a note. she didn’t want another spat over the issue of her disappearing without telling him her whereabouts. brandon drove her to dixie’s at the calhoun beach club because he knew its reputation and it was close to landon’s house. they ordered drinks and brandon asked her if she knew the alphabet. kayla waved her hand back and forth to signal “so-so.” he worked on teaching her the hand movements and was impressed at how quickly she could memorize, but he shouldn’t have been surprised given her intelligence level. in fact, she had the alphabet down cold by the time their order arrived at the table. they decided to learn words through simply conversing. he would ask a question while signing and she’d do her best to mimic what he asked. then he helped her form the signs for her response. an hour and a half had gone quickly and they ordered some more drinks and an appetizer to keep the waiters happy. “kayla…i know that’s it’s none of my business…but how is it that you and landon go from nothing to being engaged within the span of a week?” she offered a wry smile and did her best to repeat his question with her hands. she wrote down her response and he helped her with the signs. ‘after the wedding, he showed up at my door. told me he had changed, accepted god’s grace and then asked me to marry him.’ “wow. that’s all it took, huh?” brandon did his best to hide the jealousy in his voice. he couldn’t help but be suspicious of landon’s motives. maybe landon was putting on an act to win kayla over. and if he was, brandon couldn’t blame the guy. kayla matched every guys list of the proverbial “perfect wife;” cute, smart, nurturing. maybe he he’d only been with her twice, but anyone could tell that much from the first five minutes in her

presence. kayla shrank back a little when she noticed brandon hadn’t signed his last words. he’d sort of clipped them. maybe this was a bad idea. even though he knew she was taken, was it still wrong to spend time alone with him; was it leading him on? if she had to compare landon and brandon (hey…they rhymed), on a list; brandon would most surely come out on top as the big winner…but landon was inexplicably the one her future lay with. she had been confident about that, but now with what had happened, she didn’t feel desirable to any man; especially someone as gorgeous as landon. sometimes there was that gnawing fear she’d never be pretty enough for him. “kayla?” she snapped her attention back towards brandon and did her best to sign. ‘we should go?’ he insisted on paying the bill and took her back to landon’s. brandon and kayla hadn’t even made it all the way up the walk when the door flew open. “hey,” landon stated coolly, but the “hey” was directed at brandon in some sort of primitive male indication that stated: you took my woman, now give her back. he continued towards towards them and kayla did her best to gesture an introduction. “brandon,” brandon held out his hand doing his best not to wince as landon returned the handshake. “so what were you two up to?” he glanced at kayla before turning his attention back to brandon. it almost sounded like an accusation....maybe because it was. “we…ah…well…kayla, why don’t you tell him?” landon eyed kayla with curiosity. she pursed her lips in concentration and did her best to communicate that brandon was teaching her sigh language. kayla didn’t miss the flash of hurt in her fiancé’s eyes. she felt guilty realizing he had been excited to learn with her. “baby, your mom called. why don’t you go drop her an email?” she stood there for a moment not wanting to allow brandon and landon to duke it out like a bunch of five year olds. rolling her eyes to herself, she squeezed brandon’s arm and signaled ‘thank-you,’ before heading inside. “well, it was nice of you to help kayla out, but she i were planning on learning together.” “oh…i’m…sorry. we should have waited for you to return.” landon shrugged. “no biggie,” he lied. “it was nice to meet you.”

“yeah, likewise.” they both headed in their opposite directions when brandon turned around. “hey… landon?” landon faced him. “yeah?” brandon narrowed the distance between them slowly. “um…i know this really isn’t my business….” “then maybe you shouldn’t say anything,” landon threatened him. releasing a short humorless laugh, brandon replied, “i may not know kayla very well, but i do care about her. she told me you’ve been through some...changes.” landon nodded. “but…i know she cares about you so i hope it’s not some kind of an act—” clenching his jaw, landon leaned towards brandon’s face; his six-foot three frame overpowering brandon by a good four inches or so. “i would never do something like that…i would never do anything to hurt her.” “then explain to me how some guy ended up raping her in a dark alley!” he suddenly blurted out wishing he could take back the words. not a good idea to spit them at someone who was paid to knock other men around for a living. landon curled his fist up ready to punch, but his remorse and guilt was far more overwhelming than any rage. brandon lowered his guard when he saw the pain wash over landon’s dark features. the hockey player simply turned his head away and licked his lips slowly. “just go,” he whispered and walked back inside the house leaving brandon to deal with the consequences of his hurtful words. kayla breathed a sigh of relief when she heard landon come back inside. she clicked ‘send’ on her mother’s email and dashed to the kitchen where she heard him banging around. he startled at her presence wishing she didn’t have the adept ability of sneaking around unintentionally. her face washed into concern when she saw his eyes glazed over with unshed tears. “ah…” landon averted his eyes from her watchful gaze. “…cub and carly are going to the cabin next weekend. they wanted us to go with.” kayla shrugged and nodded her head and left the room. landon sighed and began slabbing some peanut butter on a piece of bread and looked up

when she returned holding the sign language book he’d given her. her eyebrows sprung up in hope and he understood her silent expression. walking over, he place a soft kiss on her nose. “i’m gonna be better than you…just wait.” kayla grinned back; excited to see the dimples in his cheeks that never ceased to leave her in blissful knots. ---------landon was true to his challenge and devoted nearly every minute of his time to helping both of them learn to sign to each other. every day, they’d pack some food and bring clive with them to the lake beach if the weather was cooperating and practiced for hours on end. they were looking forward to getting away with cub and his family this weekend. kayla hadn’t been too enthusiastic about spending time with anyone, but landon. she still couldn’t believe how much she had taken her ability to talk for granted. two weeks had gone by since being released from the hospital and still her memory of what happened hadn’t returned. it made the psychological process of healing slightly easier except for the nightmares that still hadn’t ceased so she wasn’t getting much sleep and landon began to notice. she just didn’t want him to worry, but more so it seemed maybe if she refused to acknowledge the nightmares it would make them go away. and if landon knew, it’d only make him more overprotective. he took her out for breakfast the day they were to leave for the cabin and watched her fight to keep her eyes open. landon reached across the table and brushed his fingers across hers. “you okay?” kayla glanced up at him and began signing. ‘didn’t sleep well last night. i’m fine.’ landon searched her eyes for a moment knowing there was more to it, but also sensing when she was going to be stubborn about being honest with him so he changed the subject. “you gonna wakeboard this weekend?” he stated while signing at the same time. kayla scrunched her nose and shook her head with a teasing smile. ‘no, because i’ll be mad i’m not as good as you or matt and carly’s kids.’ “yeah, i’m worried their kids will better than me too,” he laughed and then glanced at his watch. “ooh, we have to go, i don’t want your surprise to get there before we do.” kayla questioned him with her glance, but he only winked back at her. on their way home, she kept bugging him to give her a clue about the “surprise.” “oh, you just wait, little one… -----------

they made it home in time to finish getting their things together when the johnson’s arrived. carly rushed forward and hugged kayla once the front door had been open. “i brought all the wedding stuff so we can plan!” earlier in the week she offered to help kayla plan the details even though kayla insisted it wasn’t going to be a lavish affair. she hadn’t been in the mood to think about the wedding; not with the threat of her memory of the attack returning. matt tossed landon a pair of keys and winked at him. “it’s in the driveway.” “thanks, cub,” landon patted his shoulder and grabbed kayla’s hand. “c’mon.” kayla eyed him with curious anticipation. “but first,” he maneuvered his way behind her and covered her eyes. “no peeking, i’ll lead you outside.” landon led her out to the driveway and removed his hands. “what do you think?” kayla’s eyes gaped open in astonishment at the newest version of a shiny red mustang convertible. ‘why did you do this!?’ she signed walking over to examine it. it even had red leather seats to match the exterior. he shrugged. “an early birthday present.” she shook her finger at him in admonishment. he leaned forward and pretended to bite it. ‘we have enough cars,’ she smiled still completely tickled to death. “i know, but remember over christmas you told me i needed to give some of my cars away?” she nodded slowly. “anyway…i donated the jaguar and the escalade…proud of me?” “hey do you guys wanna take the girls so trevor doesn't kill them?” cub asked. kayla turned to the nine year olds and nodded her head. they both looked like miniature carlys with their shoulder length brunette hair, big hazel doe eyes and skinny little legs. with their matching hello kitty pink back packs and blazing white sketchers they screeched in delight and raced each other to the convertible. ------“how were the munchkins?” matt asked four hours later when they had arrived in at their cabin in the small town of wisconsin. landon shifted the two large duffle bags on his shoulders and slammed the trunk. “fine. bridgette swallowed a bug though causing brittany to suffer from dry heaves, but they made it in one piece. they kept us entertained the whole way not even noticing that kayla

couldn’t speak.” matt rolled his eyes. “gee, you don’t suppose they take after their mom, do you?” landon chuckled as he followed everyone into the two thousand square foot cabin. “i thought we were gonna be roughin’it, man,” he whistled in delight at the luxurious surroundings. “ha! you think i was the one decided how to build this cabin? this has chick written all over it. wait’ll you see the inside.” there were two bedrooms on the main level with a loft upstairs. the girls begged for kayla to stay in one room with them and landon agreed to the bunk beds with trevor who was fourteen and henry who was four. “momma, i’m ‘ungryyy,” henry moaned as he sulked dramatically into the bedroom where carly was putting her things away. “cubbie, you wanna go get the pontoon ready and we can go to famous daves?” she yelled from the room. “yeah, babe…c’mon h!” matt circled henry by the waist and tossed him over his shoulder. landon followed them down to the dock. “famous dave’s on the lake?” “yeah, takes less time if we take the boat than if we drive. plus…it’s a nice view.” “trevor, you comin’?” cub yelled upstairs to loft. “no!” landon smirked. matt sneered at him. “yeah, just wait till you have kids. every shred of self-confidence you ever had is completely demolished.” “what, he doesn’t think it’s cool to have a pro athlete for a dad?” he snorted. “no, he sees it as a curse! the kids constantly hassle him at school if we lose and he refuses to even put on a pair of skates, but not my h-man,” he tickled his youngest son. “right buddy?” he asked setting him down to walk down the wooden steps to the dock. the boy ignored him and flew down the stairs; his long wavy brown hair flopping with each step. landon and matt hoisted the tarp off the pontoon and cranked it down into the water as they chatted while henry took off his shirt and dunked his head in the water. the girls, followed by a disgruntled trevor wearing his ipod headphones, made their way down to the dock about fifteen minutes later.

“landon, look! do you like kayla’s hair!?” brittany asked excitedly. landon eyed kayla who had two uneven braids wrapped into little buns like princess leah from star wars. he clutched his chest in mock astonishment. “i’ve never seen anything more beautiful! that’s amazing!” “i told ya he’d like it!” kayla snickered and took her seat next to landon as curiously poked and prodded her updo. “kayla was teaching us the alphabet in sign language, mommy!” bridgette exclaimed. “so now we can communicate without talking too!” the other twin piped in. “god bless you, woman,” matt muttered over his shoulder in her direction as he put the water craft into reverse. --------the restaurant was hosting a live band that night and after everyone had their fill of ribs and cornbread, landon shoved his chair back and stood up as he grabbed kayla’s hand. “come dance with me.” “aw, cub. aren’t you going to ask me?” carly whined. “thanks a lot, bro,” matt muttered and rolled his eyes and he took his wife’s hand. “ew, that’s just gross,” trevor mumbled. “old people shouldn’t dance.” ‘i’m old?’ kayla mouthed to landon in astonishment. “hey, trevor, is it gross if i do this?” matt dipped carly and pressed his lips forcefully onto hers. “ew!!!” the twins gagged. henry laughed hysterically and spewed bar-b-que sauce across the table. “you guys have serious problems,” trevor narrowed his eyes. “yeah, well…be thankful for our serious problem otherwise you wouldn’t be here!” he leaned over to give his eldest son a noogie over his blond-streaked long shaggy hair. “dude! you’re so retarded!” trevor shoved his dad away. finally giving up on the torment of their children, matt and carly followed landon and kayla to the floor where several other couples had gathered. eventually the twins joined in and carly grabbed henry to dance with her except he was more interested in shoving people aside so they could stop and marvel at what a good dancer he was.

when landon took kayla into his arms for a slow song, she asked where he learned how to dance the two-step so well. “i’m a good faker,” he kissed her nose. ‘no, seriously,’ she protested. “promise not to tell anyone?” he winked at her. she crossed her heart. “my mom enrolled me in ballroom dancing from when i was six to eleven.” ‘you liar! you never told me that!?’ he blushed and then kayla watched his features grow melancholy. she smoothed his cheek with the back on her hand and kissed him gently. “what would i have done if i lost you too?” he stated in a low voice into her ear. she massaged the back of his neck with her fingers to comfort him. “i got an idea,” he stated as kayla felt him relax. “let’s set our alarms and watch the sunrise tomorrow morning together.” --------landon awoke to the sound of the sliding glass door opening and closing and glanced at his watch. it was only two in the morning. climbing out of the bunk bed he felt around for his flip-flops and lightly crept downstairs in time to see a glimpse of kayla’s blonde pony tail bouncing down the stairs to the dock. he stood at the top of the stairs for a moment watching the moonlight bounce off her hair and illuminate her profile. she stood at the very end with her arms folded around herself as if contemplating whether or not she should jump in; dipping her toe occasionally into the water before sitting down on the edge and swirling the ends of her legs around in it. landon decided to make his way down the steps loudly to alert his presence. kayla turned around; startled from the noise until she saw it was landon and smiled. “i’m not sure about this competitive streak of yours. if you wanted to beat me down here before sunrise, you didn’t have to get up this early.” relieved his comment widened her grin he sat down behind her and straddled her body between his legs dipping them into the water along with hers. resting his chin on her shoulder he slid his palms over the tops of her hands. “look how little your hands are…” she tipped her head back to look at him and rolled her eyes in amusement. “hi,” he whispered.

‘hi,’ she mouthed back before he kissed her. “what’s going on in that brilliant little head of yours, huh?” he asked kayla took a deep breath not really sure herself. ‘stuff,’ she spelled out with her hand. he nodded silently waiting to see if she’d sign anything else and then asked why she hadn’t talked about seeing another specialist to maybe undergo surgery to fix her larynx. ‘not right now. i need to live with this.’ he opened his mouth to ask why, but shut it quickly realizing she didn’t have the signing tools probably to elaborate. kayla wanted her voice back too more than anything, but with all her sleepless nights, it allowed her time to study the bible for answers, comfort, direction. it wasn’t doing her any good to stay angry and ask why this happened to her, but without the ability to speak to humans, she’d been finding the ability to speak more to god, more ability to listen not just to listen to him, but to listen to others. she was finding that sometimes the most comforting communication with another person required no words at all. and it was amusing at times to listen to landon ramble on. plus learning sign language was turning out to be a not only a useful form a language, but sometimes a romantic one. “you’ll get your voice back, i know you will.” kayla glanced up at him with doubt and shook her head. “but i’ve been praying everyday that you will.” ‘maybe, my voice is not supposed to return,’ she communicated. “maybe, but…it can’t hurt to be a little persistent with god.” kayla smiled sadly and reached her hand up to his neck to bring his mouth down over hers. “so were you thinking of jumping?” he teased her between their kisses. kayla nodded. “wanna skinny dip?” she whacked him on the knee in admonishment even though the thought had crossed her mind too. “i’m kidding…but you know you totally want to,” he continued with his taunts causing her laugh. he quit with the teases and decided it was a good time to breach the subject of why she wasn’t sleeping. kayla reluctantly signed ‘nightmares’.

“what!? how long as this been going on?” ‘the whole time.’ landon hugged her tighter. “baby, i’m so sorry. have you tried taking anything to help you?” she shook her head. “are they the same every night?” ‘i don’t remember them. i wake up scared.’ he sighed in remorse and deep-seeded guilt still believing he could have somehow prevented her trauma. “are you sure you don’t wanna talk to the psychiatrist?” kayla nodded and turned in his arms. ‘will you stay with me while i sleep?’ landon touched his forehead to hers. “you know you don’t even have to ask.” and then he winked at her. “as long as you don’t try to seduce me.”

“is there a reason you refuse to set a date?” landon spoke slowly as he tried to sign. he was becoming fairly decent and had to buy another book because he and kayla started fighting over it. it became a competition between them who could sign more…quickly turning them fluent. kayla glanced around their surroundings at her home. she had insisted on moving back to her old home. landon seemed unable to get past the notion that the reason she wanted to be back in her old home had to do with more than just the “thou shalt not live in the same house with your fiancé” commandment, but he couldn't come up with any other valid explanation. that rule only ever held true because it was far too easy and tempting to break the “no sex” rule due to proximity and unexpected make-out sessions which were hard-wired in humans to lead to a sexually satiated mind and body. he and kayla had managed to keep their hands off each other…well…ever since her first night home in his bed from the hospital, he’d been terrified of even thinking about her lustfully. her psyche was far more important at this point than her body…although…he did love her body. holding her every night as an excuse to ward off her nightmares definitely made him lose sleep, but as long as she was rested…he didn’t much care if he never slept again till he was dead. kayla walked into her bedroom ignoring the question for the moment. what could she say (sign/write…use smoke signals) when she wasn’t even sure of the reason herself. i want to marry landon more than anything, right? then why did she keep avoiding a date? over the weekend at the johnson’s cabin, carly kept pressing her; stating the date would determine everything from the reception, flowers, dress, colors. kayla gave up trying to explain she didn’t want a reception. “of course you do, kayla. everyone wants a

reception.” not when you don’t have a voice, kayla wanted to retort. landon followed her into the bedroom. “hmm?” she tried to concentrate on the ceiling pattern of her bedroom, but landon palmed her cheeks and forced her to look him in the eye. “if you don’t want to get married…we… don’t have to,” he lied. of course they had to. this was his dream girl. no way was he going to let her get away. kayla released a sigh. “are you hoping that maybe you’ll get your voice back…or…?” he didn’t want to say “memory.” who would want those kind of memories to return? but at least it would give her some closure. there was another sigh and shoulder shrug in response. landon was about to keep pushing when she was saved by the bell. he allowed the cell phone to keep chirping, but finally gave in and answered it. “how’s the fourteenth of may sound?” carly’s voice blasted on the other end. “that’s in less than two weeks,” he stated dryly wondering if this engagement party she was planning was more for her enjoyment rather than landon and kayla’s. probably. “i’ve got the invitations ready. i just need you to give me a date.” landon glanced at kayla. she didn’t know what carly was planning. maybe this would be a nice surprise. “hey little one…what are you doing the fourteenth of may?” ‘why?’ she mouthed. “carly wants to do a dinner date.” kayla offered landon an expression of indifference and he took that as an affirmative goahead. “i’ll talk to you later.” he ended the conversation realizing he now had a viable goal to reach: setting a wedding date in less than two weeks. much to her relief landon didn’t mention the ‘w’ word for the rest of the evening as he busied himself installing a phone for the hearing impaired. with this device, kayla could at least communicate by typing in the words which would be dictated in an automated voice back to the other person. when she had finally settled down an hour after landon had left, kayla realized this was her first test of a night without him holding her. she’d become accustomed to his presence beside her in the dark. whether it was from her doomed self-fulfilling prophecy, or just plain cruel coincidence, the nightmares did return…and this time she woke up remembering bits and pieces of them unlike all the other times; she’d have physical hallucinations of a pain in her side, hands at her neck. she never failed to sit up straight in bed clutching her throat and

gasping for air. landon had told her to page him for anything, but she was stubborn. page him in the middle of the night for something seemingly so insignificant? but after the fourth night of this occurring, kayla began sleeping with the lights on and locking her bedroom door like a prisoner in her own home. it was currently day six back on her own and though she was on to landon’s game, she still avoided coming up with a wedding date. especially now with the return of sleepless nights. a bride was supposed to be happy, excited, motivated…not preoccupied with coming to terms with horrific repressed memories…that apparently at night, weren’t so repressed. with her glasses perched on her nose, kayla lay upright with her back against the armrest of the couch and legs stretched out mulling over the new england journal of medicine. the medical director at hennepin had been more than gracious in extending kayla an indefinite time period before she could return to finish her last two years of residency, but she began realizing that her dream of being an er doctor was probably over. she could still find a way to work in the medical field, but she had no idea what. in fact, she didn’t know what she was supposed to do with no way of communicating her desires. it was becoming easier with landon the more sign language they learned, but she doubted too many people would be willing to learn just for her. she glanced at the clock. landon was coming soon to pick her up and take her back to the hospital for the final results of her tests regarding the fate of her vocal cords. kayla heard him come in through the back door with some groceries. “hey, gorgeous,” he greeted her loudly from the kitchen. clive jumped off the couch to go greet landon. “you ready?” he asked walking into the living room. she nodded reluctantly and slipped on her sandals to follow him out to the car after kissing clive good-bye. ------after kayla received a physical check-up, the ent specialist came in to talk to her. “do you want your fiancé with you?” kayla thought about landon’s sweet optimism and shook her head. “okay, well…” he perched himself on counter and sighed. “i can show you the latest scans and x-rays, but your vocal cords haven’t shown any improvement. it looks like the nerve has been permanently damaged—” it was at that point kayla stopped listening and stared out the window. “kayla…kayla?” she turned her head back. “i don’t want you to take my opinion as the final answer though, okay? i know of several

laryngologists who could maybe do surgery. i’ve written them down for you again.” kayla blandly took the list. “is there anything else going on, that you want to discuss?” kayla tried to hide her look of annoyance as she shook her head and headed for the door. i can’t speak. what’s there to “discuss?” determined that somehow, someway this was more of god’s divine, mysterious plan, she drilled the message into her consciousness; forcing herself to be positive before stepping foot out in the waiting room to greet her hopeful fiancé. “how’d it go?” he signed. ‘good,’ she nodded with forced enthusiasm he stood still for a moment as she continued walking towards the exit. she honestly thought she could fool him? ---------it was wednesday morning; the four day mark of time he had left to get a wedding date out of her. landon was fairly certain he’d get it today. because….today was her birthday. and…much to his utter delight and disgust at the same time kayla, had mentioned she wanted her father to walk her down the aisle. delight: she actually was thinking about marrying him. disgust: an absentee father had no right walking his daughter down the aisle, but despite his animosity towards richard moore, he could at least play this card to his advantage and landon convinced kayla she should ask her dad at breakfast with the family. richard would inevitably inquire about when the wedding was and landon would finally get his answer. and kayla was excited realizing this would be her chance to finally show how much she really cared about her father. life was short, she’d messed up the first time by not asking him to walk her down the aisle…this was her chance. landon and kayla met her family at the downtown radisson to celebrate her big two nine. “sweetie, you look gorgeous!” dana commented while embracing her daughter. kayla was wearing a lavender halter dress that drew attention to her neckline in which hung a three diamond studded necklace each about two carats in size. she had the earrings to match as well. “more birthday presents, i assume,” she eyed landon while fingering the jewelry. kayla rolled her eyes. landon had been buying her ridiculous presents ever since she’d been out of the hospital; not that she didn’t enjoy receiving them, but it seemed as if he had other motives behind his giving other than trying to weasel a wedding date out of her. she took her seat next to landon to order drinks after greeting her brothers. landon tugged on the hem of kayla’s skirt to get her to sit back down after fifteen minutes had gone by. “he’ll be here, little one, stop getting up and down.”

dana chuckled. “honey, your father was never on time! he probably got lost. even when we were married he hated to drive downtown. old habits die hard.” as if on cue, the host led richard moore over to the table where his ex-wife, three children and his daughter’s fiancé were seated. every time dana saw richard, it still reminded her of how attracted she was to him; a robert redford type. even after nearly thirty years and all of the pain, he could still make her flush with his blue eyes; the same ones all three of their children had inherited. richard looked extremely uncomfortable, but relaxed when dana smiled at him and gave him a warm hug. “thank you so much for coming,” she said softly. “i’m sorry i’m late. stupid one-way streets,” he mumbled nervously as he laughed. matt and bryan rose from their chairs and shook their father’s hand courteously; not sure what to say since richard wasn’t exactly on their list of favorite people to dine with, but they were determined to make the best of it for kayla. she had insisted that richard come for her birthday even though he’d missed the past twenty-four. ‘hi dad!’ kayla signed with her fingers. richard looked at dana in confusion. “it’s okay, rich, i think all she said was ‘hi.’” dana teased him. kayla wrapped her arms around her father in a warm embrace. “hey sweetie, your mom keeps me updated on you,” he stated somewhat humiliated that he never bothered to drop by and see how she was doing himself. landon shook his hand reluctantly. despite richard’s promises when kayla was in the hospital he hadn’t made much of an effort since then to keep up with her progress. richard nodded politely still sensing landon’s enmity. he then turned to find his seat between dana and kayla. “i, ah, hope you guys ordered without me.” dana nudged him. “oh, that’s okay! um, i actually ordered the buffet for you.” “thanks, dane,” he smiled softly at her knowing he never deserved to have a woman like her love him anyway. his wishes to turn back time were just that: mere wishes. he shifted his attention to kayla. “so…you two finally decided on a date?” landon wanted to jump up from his chair in victory. it was a sure thing. kayla looked over richard’s shoulder at her mom communicating her with her questioning eye: ‘now?’ she mouthed. dana nodded excitedly. richard turned around to look at dana. “what?” utterly confused, he slowly turned back to face his daughter as she pulled out a letter from her purse.

everyone else at the table turned in anticipation to see what richard’s response was going to be while he opened up the letter cautiously... dad, my wedding day is going to be one of the happiest days of my life, but it won’t be complete unless i have you walk me down the aisle. i’m sorry i didn’t ask you the first time around. i guess in my heart i probably still hadn’t totally forgiven you. but you’re my dad and the fact remains that i love you. i know you probably don’t think you deserve to. and i’m not asking because i feel like i have to. i’m asking you as your little girl…who doesn’t care if her dad hasn’t been the best; hasn’t been around. i haven’t been the perfect daughter either. i only get one dad on this earth and i couldn’t love anyone else the same…please? do me the honor? love, your kayla-bear. richard cast his eyes downward and swallowed uncomfortably. kayla-bear. it was a name he thought she’d forgotten or didn’t care to hold onto anymore out of anger. he knew that a coward who walked out on his family didn’t deserve forgiveness; let alone love of any kind. he scratched the back of his neck in embarrassment trying to hold back his emotions. “oh…kayla…no…y-you don’t want me to. i know you’re trying to be nice… but you don’t have to…that honor should be given to bryan…o-or your mother even… not me…” he kept shaking his head. kayla had anticipated this response and placed her palms on his scraggly cheeks for a moment to make sure he was looking at her and mouthed: ‘please?’ richard broke down into tears as he looked at kayla’s sweet and sincere face. gone were any traces of past hurt and regret. at that moment, all he knew was that he finally saw in her eyes the kind of love he’d always wanted from a daughter, but never felt worthy enough for it. he awkwardly touched her cheek and nodded through his tears not understanding how or why anyone would bestow such grace upon him. ----------‘i’m so excited he said ‘yes!’’ kayla signed happily once she and landon were back at his place. she turned to glance at him after grabbing a soda from his fridge. landon ignored her jubilation and stuck a calendar in her hands. “if you want your birthday present, i need a date.” kayla chuckled silently and rolled her eyes. after catching on to his goal, she decided to turn the “pick the wedding date” into a coquettish game of her own. ‘it’s my birthday!’ kayla signed complete with a proper pout. “fine…but at least go hang with the calendar to humor me somewhere out of sight. i have something to take care of, okay?”

an hour later, with no date yet, landon was beside himself with giddiness at the look of confusion written all over kayla’s face when he pulled the car up to a small 1950’s rambler home in need of some work, overlooking prior lake. he told her to stay put and walked around to open the back door and grab a large box. leaning his head over her passenger seat, he smirked. “if i’m not back in five minutes…just wait longer.” kayla giggled to herself as he shut the door and watched him disappear behind the trees into the backyard. when landon emerged minutes later, he opened up the passenger door taking her in his arms. behind some trees, kayla caught sight of the landscape opening up into a wide stretch of green lawn ending at the shore. set up in the middle of the yard was a large gingham picnic blanket with several foods spread out and a bucket of chilling champagne. he placed her down carefully on the blanket and lowered himself on his knees to straddle her legs. kayla smiled and smoothed away a stray piece of dark brown hair blowing over his brow. “what you think of this spot?” he asked in a low voice leaning his face in towards hers. she glanced at the hammock swinging carelessly between two large oaks and the vast slope of green ending at an expanse of glorious blue water littered with jewels of sunrays. it was almost too good to be true. ‘i love it…why?’ she communicated with her hands. he smiled in relief. “good, ‘cause it’s ours!” he gushed excitedly. kayla’s eyes grew wide in astonishment. ‘serious?’ “yeah,” he continued like an eager child. “i gave the old man who lived here an offer he couldn’t refuse. we’ll tear down the house and build a new one with as many rooms as you want for as many kids as you want to have…they can lose all their teeth playing hockey on the ice in the winter and i’ll have them up on skis before they can even walk —” kayla wrapped her arms around landon’s neck and planted passionate kisses all over his face. ---------they made it back to kayla’s house several hours later after eating and signing to each other merrily about their wedding plans before falling asleep in the hammock with the aid of the dom perion 1996. his bribery/birthday present had worked. she finally gave him a date and burst into silent giggles as he performed a victory dance. by the time they made it back to her place, the beautiful day had been sacrificed for a fierce evening of looming blackness in the distance horizon; a sure omen of a violent thunderstorm.

landon carried a still drowsy kayla into her bedroom and set her on the bed. “do you want anything?” rubbing her eyes, kayla decided to give in and ask just for tonight. ‘will you stay with me until i fall asleep?’ his handsome features softened. “yeah…” he cooed. “of course. i’ll let you change and then come get me.” kayla changed into a soft white cotton night gown and brushed her hair out. clive probably wouldn’t be happy about landon taking his spot tonight. ---------kayla clutched her throat and burst awake. she turned over to see landon sleeping soundly. his magic presence had failed. this was the worst nightmare so far. if they got any more intense, she’d be reliving it all over again. her eyes flashed to the window as the sky lit up and the rain pounded steadily on the windows. when she was younger, even now…she loved thunderstorms. they were supposed to be intimidating, but kayla found them fascinating. she would always run outside barefoot and stand in the gutter as the rivers of rainwater flooded over her and would then challenge herself to see how far she could make the water fly up after jumping into puddles that were on their way to forming into small ponds. her eyes ran over landon once more. yeah, he’d won and got the wedding date out of her, but it didn’t change her apprehension about planning a wedding with these unresolved issues of her trauma hanging over her head. and landon had given up trying to get her to see a psychiatrist. no…could a psychiatrist erase all of her memories, her nightmares? no. kayla rushed out of the bedroom waking up clive who had found a spot on his doggie bed by her door and rushed out of the front door into the rain. a smile graced her lips as she soon became soaked. it would feel good to stomp in a few puddles. she made her way towards the street gutters realizing a passing car might mistake her for a ghost in her white nightgown; though probably it was more likely to mistake her for a lost contestant in a wet t-shirt contest. kayla continued down the block towards lake nokomis until she reached the muddy sand. without hesitation, she plunged into the water. it was slightly warmer than the rain and felt like some sort of glorifying baptism. except it was cut short by a swift grasp around her waist. panicked; kayla began kicking and thrashing around to escape the person holding her until she registered the voice. “what the hell are you doing!? do you enjoy cutting the years off of my lifespan!?” kayla spun around and examined his expression. she remembered seeing that expression before…at todd’s party. god, was she wearing a sign somewhere that said ‘please rape me?’ some sicko had succeeded where todd apparently couldn’t and the anger at the injustice of the situation consumed her.

tearing herself from landon’s arms, kayla took off; sprinting back to the house. landon stared flabbergasted at her near-naked figure retreating from him. he wondered if she had been sleepwalking when he followed her to the lake and called out her name, but the rain and wind seized his words from reaching her and now once again he was trying in vain to call out her name as he chased after her. she may have been an all-american, but he was still a man… and caught up to her just as she reached the threshold of her front door. kayla whirled around as he approached her with an unreadable yet determined look on her face as the lightning flashed again. he stopped short; trying not to concentrate on the fact that she looked like some kind of playboy center fold with her see through nightgown daring him to rip it off. it registered again in her mind at her choice of clothing when she saw landon doing his best to hide his heated gaze. he approached her slowly as if she were a wild animal he was trying to cage. and then she pounced; wrapping her limbs and lips around him, kayla had no idea what possessed her to do so. it couldn’t be the fact that he too was teasing her with his chest in full view behind the transparent and soaked white dress shirt like the cover of some fabio themed romance novel… there had to be more to her actions, but kayla didn’t want to think…wait… maybe that was the reason. landon whole heartedly gave in, pushing the sopping fabric up over her hips. he slid her thighs up to straddle him and enabling to do two things at once: make out with kayla and kick open the door to get them closer to the bed…the bed. groaning, he slowly unpeeled his fantasy from his protesting body. she wasn’t easily dissuaded, but at least he was stronger. “kay-kayla…baby…wha-what are you doing?” kayla slid her fingers through his belt loops bringing him towards her. ‘i want you.’ a shiver ran through his body and he laughed nervously when he realized she wasn’t playing around. “ah…” he tried to think of a joke to lighten the situation, but was cut off when she slipped her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately. “whoa …we can’t do this,” his voice shuddered. kayla shook her head. she reached out, grabbed his hand and placed it over her chest moving it in circles. it was the sign for ‘please?’ he opened his mouth to disagree. with her hands, she continued communicating her want; the expression on her face one of a desperate desire. ‘i need to know what it feels like.’ “what?” he didn’t mean to utter that word. he knew what she was referring to, but it was a natural response to his shock. her face contorted into pouty anger, but not the feigned kind: she was really pissed and

stormed off towards the bedroom. “kayla…” he trudged after her and grabbed her shoulders, but she wiggled her way out instead grabbed the car keys on her dresser making her way back out of the bedroom, but he halted her by grabbing her wrist so she threw her keys at him; nailing him squarely in the chest. she picked the next nearest object; the telephone. ha, the telephone! what good was a stupid telephone to her! she couldn’t even use the damn thing and instead chucked the blasted object at her current target of wrath. landon shielded the phone and made a move to grab her arms before she threw something else at him with possibly sharper angles. “what are doing!? stop!” she began sobbing; hating life. feeling her completely turn limp under his stronghold, landon finally gathered her up in his arms and deposited both of them on the bed. he smoothed her hair and whispered insignificant promises to her. kayla began shivering. landon glanced at their wet clothes and he quickly removed and discarded his soaked garments with only his boxer briefs remaining. she watched him and then having made up her mind; took his hands and guiding them to the hem of her nightgown; signaling what he was supposed to do. landon gave her a quizzical look. “kayla, we can wait for the wedding. it’s what you wanted.” she lowered her eyes and brought her fingers up to sigh: ‘i’m scared.’ “of what?” ‘i’m scared of remembering…and…’ “yeah?” ‘it’s stupid,’ she shook her head and sniffled. “no, no…tell me.” ‘i want to know…i want to know the good before i remember all of the bad.’ landon scooted off the bed to his feet and sighed deeply. kayla leaned up towards him and rested on her knees on the edge to gaze intently at him. ‘i don’t want to wait for our wedding night. i want to know now.’ he planted his hands on his hips wondering how in the world the tables had turned. he’d always been the one not willing to wait. “yes, you do.” landon watched as she set her jaw stubbornly trying to keep his eyes up chest level, but it was a battle he was miserably

losing. she looked so damned cute in a seductress sort of way. he turned away quickly and walked out the door slamming it shut. i should go now. landon, get your keys forget the rest of your clothes and go. she’ll get over it. but the temptation was building up. he couldn’t get the way she looked at him out of his head. and then he remembered when he was back in the hospital afraid of losing her; remembered how much he’d give anything just to touch her one last time. what if that happened again? spinning around he burst back through her bedroom door and closed it behind him. ----------it really did seem as if waiting for their wedding night was inconsequential when landon took her into his arms just like she had always fantasized; like he owned her. kayla wished so badly she had the voice to tell him how much she loved him. instead they used their eyes to communicate. he took his time; wanting her to enjoy every minute, but her breathless moans were causing him to slip fast. as their bodies were about to join, both had the same thing running through their minds: how can something that feels so right be wrong? they knew… except they’d gone so far, what was the point of stopping now? landon suddenly felt her body tense. “kayla?” he whispered and pulled back. he was about to tell her he was sorry, it was his fault for not walking away, but when he looked into her eyes he saw something worse than a shared guilt. it was as if she’d gone blind and couldn’t see him; as if her eyes were watching a horror movie and she wasn’t allowed to close them through the worst part. kayla thrashed and beat landon’s chest forcing him to get off of her. she could barely breath; the terrifying nightmare of what happened to her came rushing through the door of her memory; unwelcomed and unwanted and there was nothing she could do to stop it. landon was just as horrified and screamed her name as she scrambled to make her way off the bed taking the bed sheets with her. kayla couldn’t control the automatic revulsion her body was having in reaction to the recovered nightmare. every last sickening detail. her hands made it to the floor first followed by the rest of her body, but that’s as far as she got before the vomit forced itself out of her throat. she lay there humiliated and in shock. landon rushed over to her to help and she tried to wipe her mouth off in embarrassment while kicking him away; desperately wishing he didn’t have to witness this. mortified, kayla tried to keep the remaining contents of her dinner in her stomach while choking back sobs filled with anguish as she clawed the carpet hot, petrified tears stained landon’s cheeks when he saw the shame evident in her desperate attempt to keep him away from her. continuing to call out her name, he didn’t give up and finally gathered kayla up in his arms in the tight little ball she had formed herself into and dashed into the shower. he placed her down and turned on the warm spray.

she was shaking uncontrollably and he frantically smoothed away her wet strands trying to see her face. “kayla…baby…?”he cried hysterically and finally looked into her eyes. landon remembered when dana had told him at christmas about how she found kayla in the hospital the night michael died; her eyes glazed over with not a sign of life in them. he remembered wishing he’d never have to see that look, but he would not get that wish. any sign of innocence; hunger and passion he so adored seeing when he looked in those beautiful, blue windows to her soul now revealed nothing but complete and total darkness.

the spray of the shower was warm, but landon was certain he felt kayla’s skin getting colder and she wasn’t responding at all to any of his cries and pleas. her eyes appeared dead; staring off into some unknown territory in the distance. landon cursed to himself in helplessness and anguish. he dashed out of the shower and grabbed kayla’s bathrobe and some towels and lifted her out of the shower. she was completely limp; like he was carrying a dead body. she must have gone completely into shock. he propped her up against the edge of her bathtub and began drying her off. then he wrapped her in the bathrobe and carried her out to lie on the couch. landon fumbled with the phone to dial 9-1-1 as he hopped around trying to get his pants and shirt back on. clive jumped on the couch whimpering and licking her face, but even her beloved pet couldn’t revive her. when the ambulance finally arrived, landon didn’t exactly know how to explain the situation: well, we were having sex and i helped jog her repressed memories. aren’t i a great fiancé? ---------kayla awoke and turned her face to find landon’s head resting beside hers while clutching her hand, but he was asleep. his shirt was buttoned in all the wrong holes; his face puffy from tears and exhaustion and hair in a disheveled mess. she looked down at her hand that he seemed to have a death grip on and she pried it loose from his grasp. he jerked awake; relieved when he looked into her eyes to see that she had come back to reality, but scared at the cold and unfeeling iciness of her gaze. kayla rolled her head to the other side of the bed not wanting to look at him; he reminded her of…of…it. she swallowed back the acidic bile that rose in her throat; trying to shove away the horrendous memory.

landon felt his blood run cold when she turned away. “kayla?” he desperately hoped the look in her eyes hadn’t been directed at him. she refused to turn back. stunned, he numbly rose to his feet, turned, made his way out of her room and slumped down on the floor in the hall beside the door. ----------when kayla had been stabilized, dr. price was paged immediately and came rushing down to the floor. she noticed that landon apparently preferred the cold hard tile as a seat instead of the chairs lined up next to the doors. with his elbows propped up on his bent knees, he was a mess. if she didn’t know any better, she would’ve thought he was a homeless guy who had stolen some nice clothes, but didn’t know how to put them on right, or had tried to dress himself in the dark. the man wasn’t even wearing any shoes. “landon?” she cried. he whipped his head up to see where the voice came from, but didn’t bother rising to his feet. she looked at his face stained with burden. walking over, the psychiatrist squatted down to meet him at eye level. “landon, what happened?” he glared at her as if she just asked him what the answer to two plus two was. “what the hell do you think happened?” he shouted and then buried his face in his palms. dr. price leaned back on her haunches and timidly tried to lay a hand on his shoulders. “landon-” he jerked his face up to look at her again. “i fucked up, okay!?” rising quickly to his feet he planted his hands on his hips and began pacing. “landon, i’m sorry,” she began rising to her feet as well. “i’m not here to scold you. i just need to hear your side of the story.” landon whirled around. “my side? i don’t have a side. i did exactly what you told me not to do and she went completely catatonic on me! she probably never wants me to lay another hand on her again! dammit!” he slammed his fist into the wall and began to storm off. “landon, wait. where are you going?” he turned around. “i have to go call her mom; tell her i’m the reason her daughter’s back in the hospital…!” landon continued to curse loudly as he slammed open the double doors in frustration that lead out into the waiting area. ---------he’d never forgive himself. how could he have not shown any love for her by restraining

his emotions? do not arouse love until it so desires; the verse from song of songs kept haunting him. it didn’t seem fair that kayla was being punished for his lack of selfcontrol. and he had seen it in her eyes; things had changed for the worse. the look written on her face was a mixture of pain and contempt. dana rushed in with fresh tears on her face; relieved to see that kayla was okay and still reeling from the news that she had gained her memory back. landon thought it best to leave out the details of how he had actually triggered her memory. as kayla’s mother fawned over her, landon stood in the back with his arms crossed and shoulders hunched over. dr. price came in along with the nurse that was attending to kayla. “hello, kayla,” greeted the doctor cautiously stealing a glance at landon to see if he had calmed down. kayla didn’t respond. she only continued to stare off to the side of the room not acknowledging anyone around her; feeling like she wanted to die rather than have to live with the memories. “i’m sorry for doing this, but could i have a few moments alone with kayla?” she politely asked dana and landon. dana remained next to kayla’s side for a moment telling her she loved her and would be right back. landon simply stared at her lifeless form; feeling like someone was ripping his heart into shreds. both reluctantly left the room. “kayla, what are you feeling?” and she laid down a pen and paper next to her bed. kayla looked at the objects and reluctantly picked up the pen to write. i want to die, she wrote as tears stung her eyes and she balled up the paper to chuck it across the room in anger. dr. price grimaced; not surprised at all by kayla’s response, but her heart broke nonetheless. “kayla, if you let me and those who love you…we’re going to help you get through this.” she sighed deeply; somewhere deep inside knowing the doctor was right, but unable to believe it at that moment. dr. price gently smoothed kayla’s hand with her own and stood up to leave. she quietly exited the room and found dana and landon wrought with worry. she looked at kayla’s temperamental fiancé. “landon, i think you should probably go home and get some rest. kayla will be fine.” he demanded that he would stay put. the psychiatrist squared her shoulders. “landon, i hate to say this, but staying here would do more harm than help i’m afraid,” she said

the lack of control he had over this situation was maddening. glancing around the corridor, landon looked for something to break, but instead, reluctantly turned and walked dejectedly out of the hospital. he made his way back over to kayla’s to clean up her bedroom. grabbing some soap and a rag, he scrubbed the carpet vigorously as if trying not only to wipe out the stains on the floor, but the stains of everything that had transpired mere hours ago. how much more were they going to be put through? it seemed the minute they took a step ahead towards the future something would set them back. finished, he sat on her bed and looked over at her damp nightgown he had stripped off her body that was tossed on the floor. he fingered it lightly and then brought it to his face inhaling her scent. it only succeeded in reducing him into helpless tears as he buried his face in the soft material. --------dr. price requested a sign language interpreter that morning to come and translate for kayla. “kayla, do you think you can tell me what happened?” kayla slowly communicated the events from the night before. “did you want landon to make love to you, kayla?” the doctor asked in almost a whisper. kayla’s eyes stared off into space. how could she explain that “yes,” she had wanted him to…had practically forced him to. ‘yes, i wanted him to…it felt right.’ “go on…” dr. price encouraged her to continue. ‘i knew that i had been raped, but i didn’t remember…i just…wanted him to show me that sex wasn’t bad.’ the doctor reached over and took kayla’s hand in hers. “you wanted to have the memory of what it truly was supposed to feel like before you remembered how it was used to hurt you?” kayla nodded as she began to cry. ‘that…that man took it away from me…i was saving it for landon.’ her cries turned into sobs of anguish. she remembered all the rape cases she’d seen come into the emergency room; the terrified and humiliated pain written on their faces. now she knew. the interpreter could barely speak because she began to cry as well. dr. price swallowed back the lump in her throat. “kayla, virginity is something you give away. it’s not taken from you.” kayla shook her head vehemently and turned to bury her tears in the pillow.

--------“dana, please?” landon begged when she opened up the door at her home to greet him. the weather that day matched everyone’s mood; dark and stormy. “landon, you look terrible,” she chastised him sadly and her face reflexively lit up when she saw what he had in his arms. he looked as bad as the drenched golden retriever puppy he was holding. “where is she? why didn’t you call to tell me you brought her home? i got her something,” he pleaded holding up the dog. dana planted kisses on the golden retriever puppy who couldn’t have been more than six weeks old. “dana.” “landon.” he sighed in aggravation. “are you going to let me in?” “i’m sorry, but she doesn’t want to see anyone right now, not even you.” “what the fu—?” dana glared at him as he bounced his forehead off the doorframe in frustration and the dog whimpered. “landon, it wouldn’t matter anyway. she’s locked herself in her bedroom and won’t even let me in. i don’t know what’s going on. she won’t tell me.” “she’ll see the puppy won’t she?” “not a guarantee she’ll see you.” landon exhaled forcefully. “augh! why!? can i take the hinges off the door?” “landon.” “what about breaking her window?” “landon!” “you expect me to just let her wallow in her misery?” “maybe that’s what she needs!” “can i at least try? can this little guy try?” dana rolled her eyes as if to say his attempts were futile, but he could give it a shot. he walked through the house and dana grabbed a towel to dry off the puppy even though he was more interested in ripping the towel to shreds. landon rapped on the door softly. “kayla?”

no answer. he leaned his forearm against the door. “please, baby, c’mon, don’t shut me out. i got you a present.” no answer. landon punched the door with his fist in exasperation. “c’mon, kayla!” “landon, just leave her alone,” dana whispered quietly from behind him. it felt like he was watching her drown with his arms and legs bound. and there was no way he could jump in and rescue her. on the other side of the door, kayla sat in a rocking chair in her bedroom next to the window; staring out into the rain. she couldn’t bear to see landon. to look at the guilt and sorrow etched on his face. it was the last thing she needed. it was as if she could look down and see the dreams she once had floating in a puddle. if she reached down to pick them up, they’d seep through the cracks in her fingers. “please kayla? there’s someone else who’d really like to meet you.” sighing heavily she rose to her feet with a heavy blanket still wrapped around her lower trunk. she opened up the door and melted at the sight of the dog. ‘you didn’t have to do this,’ she signed. “yeah, but i knew you wouldn’t turn me down if i had some leverage…and i thought clive needed a buddy since i was planning on competing with him for your affections.” kayla was able to crack a smile and leaned down to kiss the puppy. ‘what’s his name?’ “i thought we could name him lewis… in honor of clive.” she looked up at landon. ‘please go,’ she communicated. ‘i need to be alone.’ “no, you don’t,” he begged. ‘go!’ she signaled and slammed the door shut locking it. with a fresh batch of tears, she resumed her seat in the rocking chair and her fingertips traced random outlines on the frigid window. god help me…she pleaded biting her lip. i know you won’t make this pain go away immediately, but i need you to help me understand it. help me take the next step. “landon.” dana placed her hand on his forearm after both had recovered from the sting of getting the door slammed in their faces. “kayla’s strong. just give her some time.” ---------landon called kayla’s mother the next day. “is she still there?”

“no, she went home.” “i’m already here at her house. she’s not.” dana sighed heavily. “i don’t know where she is then.” “did she say anything?” “um…” she faltered. “i don’t…” “forget it.” he slammed his cell phone shut without saying good-bye. pacing the living room, he eventually went into her bedroom to find any signs of where she might be; if she had possibly ditched town or something. there was nothing out of the ordinary except…he glanced at her closet. there were clothes hung up disheveled and inside out on hangers, shoes piled haphazardly and spilling out onto the floor. the fact her closet was a disaster wasn’t anything new. what was out of the ordinary was a box that had the tape torn off and lid still halfway open sitting on the top shelf. curiosity got the better of him and he reached up to pull it down. the flimsy box folded in on itself and the contents spilled out. landon wasn’t sure which emotion to attach to the remains that were strewn about on the wooden floor. it was a mixture of curiosity and jealousy. and he suddenly knew where he could find her. ---------landon approached her cautiously. she sat next to his headstone with her arms wrapped around her bent knees; her head resting in them. michael oliver stanley son, friend, brother and fiancé but first and foremost a child of god instead of him, the fiancé that was alive and well and desperately wanted to show her how much he loved her, she had sought comfort in the dead. landon’s hand curled into fist and he dug his fingernails into the palm to quench his emotion. perhaps she did this because that was how she felt now: dead. kayla’s face revealed the surprise from seeing landon kneel down in front of her. ‘how did you know i was here?’ landon looked off into the horizon; concentrating on the dimming sunlight. “i found the box of all the memories you kept. the engagement pictures, the wedding invitations,

letters…everything. you still had it all. your mom caved in and told me where he was buried.” landon couldn’t hide pain and jealousy in his voice. i’m envious of a dead guy! he shook his head in disbelief. kayla saw the agony etched in his features. she had never found the strength to throw away that box until landon came into her life. but looking through the pictures again only reminded her of how things were supposed to be. she was supposed to be with michael, she was supposed to be starting a family with him like they had planned when she had finished with medical school. a part of her hoped that maybe somehow she could just lie down and die next to his grave; end this horrific thing called life. kayla glanced down at her engagement ring and fingered it. ‘i can’t be with you right now,’ she signed and rose to her feet. landon abruptly sprang to his full height as well and towered angrily over her. “that’s it!? you’re just going to shove me away and pine after some dead guy!?” ‘you don’t know what i’m going through!’ she turned on her heel to stomp away. in a moment of panic, landon reached out and grabbed her roughly by the shoulders to spin her around. “then tell me!” in reflexive shock, kayla raked her fingers across his face. he caressed his cheek for a moment; stunned and horrified at himself for being so forceful with her. god, she’d been through enough. the horror of what she had done was evident on her face as well as her hand covered her mouth in astonishment. “baby, i’m sorry!” he cried. “i deserved that, i know…i shouldn’t have…” kayla turned on her heel and ran. what could he do? if he ran after her, he’d just frighten her again by tackling her to the ground, but he couldn’t let her get away either. at least she was heading towards the car. he could cut her off there. blocking the driver’s side of the door, she tried to shove him out of the way; frustrated she didn’t have a voice to spit insults at him. kayla decided to use the non-verbal tactic instead and began beating her fists against his chest. it felt good to take her anger on something…or someone for that matter. it was irritating the way he continued to stay glued to his position. the harder she hit it him the less he moved. finally he grabbed her waist and pulled her into him. “are you finished!?” he cried. “cause if hitting me makes you feel better, then i’ll stand here all night if that’s what it takes!” kayla gave up her struggle as her vision blurred from her tears. she pulled back. ‘things

will never be the same between us,’ she communicated feebly with her hands. ‘how could you possibly want me? i’m damaged goods.’ “kayla. that’s bull. if anyone is damaged goods, it’s me, okay? i hold the franchise on that one!” she threw her arms up in exasperated surrender. ‘it doesn’t matter anyway landon. things can’t be the way we wanted them to be. maybe it’s better this way.’ “better!? h-how can things be better? how can being apart be better?” she turned her back on him and walked a few steps away trying to still the tears. “kayla…please…” every last one of his nightmares was coming true. “kayla, please don’t leave me.” kayla stopped and turned to face him again. she slammed her eyes shut; the hurt in his eyes ripped at her. ‘i can’t explain what i’m feeling…i need time.’ time was turning into a four letter word for him. “well how much time!?” he growled. she shook her head in defeat and held her hands up in an effort to communicate she didn’t want him coming any nearer. ‘please’ was the last thing she communicated before getting back into her car and leaving him alone to suffer in silence. -----------the world was tainted, as if she were permanently wearing a hideous shade of sunglasses . it was unfair to leave landon the way she did. it was stupid to distance herself. she loved him, she needed him. god, what’s my problem? but there was such an overwhelming sense of shame eating away at her. kayla could never really understand why a rape victim would feel any shame. it wasn’t her fault, but yet…the shame came from thinking that she could’ve, should’ve, would’ve done something to prevent the situation. rewind the tape and start over. she could’ve assigned a babysitter to joe schmoe, she should’ve not been gullible enough to follow the man into the alley, she would’ve fought back harder. kayla decided that the only thing she wanted to do was bury herself in a hole and never come out. but since that wasn’t an option and like one of her therapists once told her: "kayla...it doesn't do you any good to keep should-ing on yourself," she thought of the next best thing and drove to her older brother’s house. bryan was thankfully there and stunned nonetheless since kayla rarely visited him. “hey,” he pulled her into a hug. “what’s up?” kayla motioned for something to write on and he dashed off to quickly return with a pad and paper. is anyone using your cabin right now? bryan shook his head curiously.

can i stay there for a few days? “sure, but just you? where’s landon?” yes. just me. no one else “oh…kay,” he replied slowly. “why?” i just need to get away, please? he sighed and shrugged his shoulders. heading over to the key holder by the garage door, he removed one of the keys from the chain. “you remember how to get there? or do you want directions?” kayla motioned for him to write out the directions once more and then wrote: i need one more favor too. “what is it?” please, please don’t tell anyone where i am. i just want to be alone for a bit. he gave her a strange look of disbelief. she underlined please forcefully. “kay…are you all right? you’re not gonna go kill yourself or something,” he tried to laugh. kayla rolled her eyes and mouthed, ‘no.’ “all right…” he handed her the key and tore of the directions. “just…be careful.” she gave him a hug and headed back to her house to quickly grab some clothes, toiletries and clive. it only took her about ten minutes to gather up what she needed and took off. the drive up to brainerd, minnesota only took her a little over two hours in her new red mustang. she enjoyed the solitude; listening to her favorite music with clive in the passenger seat thoroughly enjoying the topless vehicle. a small twinge of guilt though caused her realize she was using the vehicle landon had given her to run away from him. well, not running away, she just didn’t feel like explaining why she wanted to be alone. because of bryan’s business in real estate he had invested in a cabin. nearly all the middle to upper class population of minnesota owned cabins. if one didn’t own a cabin it was almost shameful. she’d spent several summer weekends in high school at friend’s cabins it went with the territory of being a proverbial minnesota, right along with the accent. bryan had already been there in once in april to bring up the boat. he made it a point to a least get away once a month. pulling into the graveled driveway hidden amongst the woods, clive jumped out and

made his way towards the lake. kayla unlocked the cabin leaving the dog to his devices and went about checking the cupboards and fridge to see what she needed to buy at the market down the road, or chuck into the garbage from being spoiled. she then walked into the smallest bedroom and found the linens in the bottom of one of the dresser drawers. after she finished making the bed, she stepped outside, locking the door behind her and whistled for clive. he came bounding up, already caked with mud. kayla groaned knowing better and returned to the cabin to find some towels. dragging clive over to the side of the cabin, she tied him up on a post and hosed him off. satisfied he was decently clean, she allowed him to climb back into the passenger seat that was already covered anyway and they drove off to grab some sustenance from the market. after perusing the small aisles, kayla was sure she had everything she needed and glanced out the window to see clive was entertaining a couple of girls from where he was tied up outside. she stopped short in the medicine/toiletry aisle when she saw some sleeping pills. her nightmares had surprisingly ceased since her memory came back as if they were only taunting her until they finally barreled through the door from the subconscious into the conscious. she had never given freud much thought in her psychiatry rotations, but she was now a perfect candidate for his theories. tonight though…it might feel good to receive some aid and she dumped the box into the basket with the rest of her things. ---------“it’s been twenty four hours and the only indication i have that’s she’s still alive is because clive is gone,” landon scowled at dana as he skulked about her living room. “landon, believe me. if i knew where she was, i would tell you!” “not if she made you promise not to.” “why would she do that?” “the last the told me was she needed time…which i think in girlspeak means 'leave me the hell alone.'” “so…why can’t you just be patient?” landon slumped onto the couch. “i was patient. i gave her a good day!” dana couldn’t help but release a small chuckle. “c’mon…you must have an idea of where’d she go.” dana did have an idea, but she wasn’t about to tell landon. if kayla wanted to be alone that was her perogative. shrugging her shoulders, she changed the subject and asked landon where the puppy was. “aw hell, i left the mutt with the johnson’s. he was driving me nuts.”

she giggled. “landon you need to train him.” “how?” “take him to puppy school.” landon snorted. “you’ve got to be kidding. there’s such a thing called puppy school? is it like a boarding school? can i drop him off for six months and he’ll come back normal?” dana knew he wasn’t kidding, but she couldn’t help her giggles from compounding. “landon…go home. relax…i think kayla needs a little more time than twenty four hours.” landon stood up. “yeah, but…i just wanna help her,” he whispered. she nearly clutched her heart and swooned from his boyish confession. no wonder her daughter was so in love with him. landon left and went to pick up the dog from the johnsons. “you wanna take henry with you too?” cub offered as landon grabbed lewis with one hand. a crash from inside the house followed by the sound of one of the twin’s voices could be heard screaming, “henry! da-aaad!” “when are the kids done with school for summer?” landon inquired. cub rolled his eyes. “too soon,” they shared a laugh and cub told landon how excited carly was about the engagement party. landon scratched the back of his head. “ah…yeah….’bout that…” “what’s up?” “um…nothing.” “it’s still gonna be a surprise for kayla, right?” “uh huh…yeah.” “okay…well-” his thought was cut off by more cries for intervention. “i ah…i should probably go,” landon couldn’t help snickering. “yeah, yeah…laugh it up!” cub replied as he closed the door. landon chucked lewis into the back seat and climbed into the front hoping that kayla’s “time” would be resolved before the engagement party. though he knew he shouldn’t, the only means he decided he would give into to resolve his pain at the moment would be abhorrent amounts of alcohol.

----------kayla had been dream free for two nights in row. she spent the entire day yesterday tanning and reading the first two books in the chronicles of narnia. she made it a point to read all seven books at least once a year. it only took her a couple hours to read each one. she liked the magic of them as if they really could take her away to another place. this morning, she cleaned off the canoe and had clive jump in with her as she rowed out a good thirty feet from the dock. the dog lay on his tummy with his head resting on his paws, eyes looking up at kayla. she glanced over the top of her current lewis selection: the problem of pain and noticed her dog examining her. kayla set down the book. if she put her glasses on clive, he’d make a pretty good therapist even become c.s. lewis himself... and their conversation would go something like this: “how are you?” waving her hand back and forth, kayla communicated an iffy response. “how’s landon?” kayla offered her dog a wry, disbelieving look. clive barked. “he’s an intense one, isn’t he?” intense. that was a good word to describe him, kayla realized as her face automatically graced into a smile. it was his intensity that sometimes made her feel like his presence was intoxicating; like she couldn’t get enough of him and yet it was that very intensity that drove her away from him at times. like now. “i told him i needed time away from him. i know i need him to be with me and yet i don’t feel desirable as a woman and seeing him reminds me of that." “kayla. i’m not sure that this will bring you any comfort, but that’s completely normal. all you have to do is tell landon that." “he keeps blaming himself for everything; for what happened to me, especially for triggering my memory. i’m the one who pushed him." “yeah, you shouldn’t have kicked me out of the bedroom" kayla snickered. "but as a man, landon knows his responsibility is to protect you. when you hurt…he feels helpless. but maybe it’s best that you recovered what happened before you got married.” kayla sat back listening to the small waves lap up against the canoe. she hadn’t thought of how horrifying it would be to have the memory tainting her wedding night. leaning forward again, she eyed her dog to reply in her mind. “the worst part of all of this is that i’m angry with god. why would he allow this to happen?”

“well, i’ll try not to give the pat church answer, but let me ask you this first. what have you been taught about the reason god made you?” kayla thought for a moment. “to glorify him by finding happiness in him, but what happiness can be found if he didn’t stop this from happening!?” “well…for whatever reason, he allowed this to happen because he knew that he would be glorified and in the process bring a greater joy into your life.” “i don’t think i believe that.” “well look at all the other hardships in your life. how have they turned out?” kayla thought back to her mental and health struggles. how it brought her to realize who god was and what he did for her. she remembered the agony of losing michael only to have god bring landon into her life like a whirlwind that swept her off her feet. the heartache of their relationship only made their passion more exhilarating. did bad things always have to happen to appreciated the good? “don’t doubt that when you endured what you did, he was with you and he grieved and mourned with you. it’s just that he can see the bigger picture. i think god has great things planned for you and landon. it might be a painful process to discover what that exactly is, but that’s why you can take joy in the process…because you know eventually either in this life or the next, your fortitude will be rewarded… ” kayla winked at her dog who was losing the battle of trying to stay awake in the midday sun and laughed to herself. ---------she awoke refreshed again the next morning and took the dog for a run. kayla had felt a weight lift after her “conversation” with clive, but there was something still gnawing at her. it wasn’t the lingering shame or horror from her trauma. that would take only god knew how long to recover from, but it was something else. reluctantly, she allowed herself to think about her attacker…instead of doing her best to hate him, she did her best to try and comprehend why…what made some humans so corrupt that they would go to such lengths to torment one another? as they rounded the curve towards the driveway leading back to the cabin, it hit her. and she knew what had to be done. kayla showered and threw on some shorts and tank top before hopping into her convertible towards the nearest café that had internet access. she emailed ron and lori from hennepin hoping there was someway they could grant her this enormous favor. once she hit ‘send,’ kayla sat back and prayed; hoping this was the right move she was supposed to make in her process of healing.

“you know that this engagement party is a surprise, right!?” landon yelled into the phone when he finally got a hold of bryan. her brothers had been at the top of his list of people to harass, but after interrogating dana, he knew her biggest hunch lay with bryan. “yes, i know.” “well then where is she?” “landon,” bryan grated his teeth in a threatening tone. sometimes he had no idea what his sister saw in this guy. “fine, but i know you know where she is. so you’d better get her back here by six o’ clock sharp.” landon threatened right back before hitting end on his cell. what bryan didn’t know was that landon was waiting on his street watching…waiting to see what bryan’s next move would be. sure, it was bordering on psychotic, but sometimes that's what love does to people. about ten minutes later, landon’s expectations soared as bryan pulled out of his driveway in a chevy blazer and took off. he did his best to follow him from a non-suspicious distance and as kayla’s brother exited the city limits, he knew bryan was going to see his sister. it became harder for landon to conceal himself between other cars as traffic became less and less towards the small town. bryan finally made it to his cabin, but noticed there was sign of kayla. her car was gone and the door was locked with the canoe back under the tarp. he turned towards the sound of gravel crunching under tires hoping it was her, but threw up his arms in complete ire when he realized it was landon. “you followed me!?” he stormed towards landon when he’d exited his car. “you actually followed me!?” his blue eyes suddenly darkened maliciously. “oh…i get it…i know why kayla didn’t tell anyone. i bet your abusing her, aren’t you!.” he shoved the hockey player squarely in the chest. landon braced himself, but held back. kayla might not be excited if he got into an all out brawl with her brother. bryan shoved him again. “you sonuva bitch! i’m gonna kill you! i’m gonna fucking kill you!” landon grabbed him by the shirt collar and slammed him up again his suv to take control of the situation. “listen!” he brought his face dangerously close to bryan’s. “i may be just as clueless as you as to why your sister loves me, but you and i both know she’s got more than enough brains to actually stick with a guy who would dare lay a finger on her!” both men stared each other down breathing heavily. landon had to give her brother credit though for defending her and finally released him taking several steps back.

bryan regained his composure and his breathing rate as he examined landon. “look… she’s probably already on her way back for whatever lame excuse you came up with to get her to the party.” landon kicked a stray rock; trying to figure out his next move. “why didn’t she tell you where she was going, anyway…and if i find out you’re lying—” “when she got her memory back…of the…accident…i was told it was a normal reaction for her to want to be alone, but just not this long…and she knows me too well,” he released a sardonic laugh. bryan remained silent. he’d never been close enough to his sister to really understand her inner workings and landon seemed pretty broken up about her absence. even if the guy was a little crazy…it was probably because he was in love. the few times he’d spent with landon and kayla…he knew that much. “let’s just get back and hope for the best,” bryan muttered and climbed back into his vehicle. landon followed suite, unsure of what other options he had left. -------------everyone at the johnson’s yelled “sur-“ but when they saw bryan come in right behind landon a small echo of “-prise…” was all that was left. landon and bryan noticed the confused expressions and quickly put more distance between them lest everyone think they’d mistaken this as a “coming out” celebration instead. the murmuring began and carly rushed over to landon. she was all dolled up in la ow cut black pantsuit. “what’s going on? is she coming by herself?” he glanced at cubbie who walked up to tower behind his wife. “can we ah…go talk somewhere?” the couple led landon into the kitchen and faced him in anticipation. “i don’t know where she is,” he stated sheepishly. “you lost her!?” carly exclaimed. landon’s brow furrowed. “i didn’t lose her…i just…have no idea where she is.” “landon,” cub’s soft voice broke the astonished silence. “do you feel like telling us what’s going on?” landon slumped against the fridge; he was lacking in sleep, had drunk too much since she’d been gone and suddenly realized how physically and emotionally exhausted he was. shaking his head limply, landon simply apologized for ruining the party. “i gotta go.” slipping out the back door so he wouldn’t have to explain anything to the guests, landon

drove home to find lewis whining and scratching pathetically in the laundry room. he released the obnoxious furball from his prison and cleaned up after him before grabbing several bottles of beer under one arm and lewis in the other. trudging upstairs, he removed his clothes and plopped onto the bed. he and bryan had made it back to the cities with two hours to spare and spent the remainder of those hours trying to locate kayla’s whereabouts only to come up emptyhanded. landon’s confusion and impatience over her necessity for “time” had now turned into fear. what could he do now? why would she insist on putting him and her family through such turmoil? landon glanced back and forth between his bible on the night stand and his beers. bible or beer. why not both? but he didn’t know where to begin to look for comfort in the massive ancient text and the alcohol seemed to be the all too easy answer. --------kayla rang landon’s doorbell shifting nervously back and forth and then glanced at the woman in the passenger seat of her convertible. her heart became saturated with a deep, pitiful longing when the door swung open. he was a pathetic sight; unshaven, hair disheveled, dark circles under his eyes and wearing nothing but his dark gray boxer briefs. she didn’t have to even look at the empty bottles of vodka and cases of beer to guess what he’d been doing the past several days. landon picked her up in his arms not sure if he was still dreaming. he drank in her scent as he buried his nose in her hair. “tell me what to do…” he whispered. “just don’t leave me. please...please don’t leave me.” once he set her back on her feet, kayla ran her hands and lips over his chest. despite his mopey appearance he was still the most gorgeous man she’d ever laid eyes on. he leaned in to kiss her, but she pulled back. ‘landon…before we talk, there’s someone waiting in the car that you need to meet,’ she signed. “huh? who?” ‘just go put clothes on and i’ll have her come in.’ landon eyed her curiously and obeyed without another word. kayla walked back to the car and motioned to the woman that it was okay to come inside the house. once settled on the couch, kayla looked over at the stranger…who sort of wasn’t a stranger anymore as of yesterday. ron and lori had come through…and emailed her back with the necessary information from the hosptial records, which enabled kayla to begin her search. luckily, the person she needed to find lived within the twin city suburbs.

landon emerged down the stairs slowly with lewis in one hand. he dropped the puppy to the floor and curiously eyed the person sitting next to kayla on the couch. the caucasian woman appeared to be young because of her dirty blonde hair and stick thin frame, but the deep wrinkles on her face sharply contrasted the other features making her look as if she were in her early fifties. her hands visibly shook as she opened up her mouth to reveal a deep smoker’s voice. “mister stern…m-my name is linda matson,” she sucked in another deep breath trying to get the words out. “i-i’d…like to ask you fo-for your forgiveness…you see…my son…my son is the one who tried to kill your fiancée.” landon’s eyes grew wide as if he were about to snap. linda turned to kayla. “i-i’m sorry…i shouldn’t be here,” she, began to rise, but kayla lay a reassuring hand on her. “how the hell…?” landon growled slowly. kayla intervened and signed. ‘i found her. i needed to.’ “what!? why!?” ‘i needed to forgive her…and her son…’ “this is where you’ve been! what’ you’ve been doing!?” “mr. stern…my son…i-i kicked him out because i couldn’t stand the drugs and the lying anymore.” she kept her eyes away from landon’s death glare and focused on lewis who was happily chewing on several pairs of old hockey socks. “i’m a terrible mother. i know that… so if anyone is to blame for what he-he… did, then it’s me.” landon watched incredulously as kayla leaned over and put her arm around the woman’s shoulder to comfort her. what is she thinking? “i can’t begin to imagine how horrible this has been on your relationship,” linda sniffled. “and i don’t expect any kind of forgiveness from you…bu-but i needed to at least try. whe-when i learned how he died, i felt horrible…i never thought i deserved any forgiveness and then she showed up on my doorstep a couple of days ago.” linda smiled at kayla sadly as another tear dripped down her cheek. landon snorted in disbelief. kayla motioned for him to stay quiet. “mr. stern. your fiancée is an amazing woman. i never imagined…i don’t know….” she cautiously looked over at landon with her blood-shot eyes. “is there? is there anyway you could forgive me too? forgive my son?” landon closed his eyes. the image of kayla, his perfect, adorable kayla, sitting in the hospital bed with the deep bruises around her neck, the state of shock she suffered was seared in his memory. it would be…forever. he stood up and walked a few paces with his back towards them. finally, shaking his head he turned around. “no,” he replied bitterly.

mrs. matson nodded her head remorsefully as if she knew what his answer was going to be. kayla jumped to her feet and gaped at him in horror. “i’ll just go…wait outside,” mrs. matson stated quietly and made her way towards the front door. kayla stomped over to him and shoved him in the center of the chest in anger. ‘what is wrong with you!?’ “what’s wrong with me!?” ‘how can you call yourself a christian!?’ her fingers flew furiously. “there are some things god should not require us to forgive! i hate that man! i hate him for ruining everything and i hope he burns in hell!” her face contorted into pure anguish as silent tears began brimming at the tips of her eyelids. she backed away slowly. ‘i don’t know you…’ she communicated painfully. “kayla? what do you want me to do? i swear i’ll do anything. i just ca- i just… why can’t you understand?” she took a few hiccupy breaths through her tears. “c’mon, baby. this doesn’t have to be a big deal. we just have to forget this ever happened and move on.” ‘i am moving on! you’re not! you won’t move on unless you go outside and tell that woman that she and her son have your forgiveness. it doesn’t matter if he’s dead!’ he recoiled in horror and shook his head. “no! why!? why should i? how can you!? especially you!” kayla’s tears began to flow endlessly. ‘because…you can’t buy forgiveness and you can’t earn it.’ “what are you talking about?” he cried. ‘i know what you’ve been doing, landon. the jewelry, the car, the house, the dog…stop blaming yourself for what happened!’ she walked back over to him and placed her palm on his cheek; wiping away his tears with her thumb. ‘it’s not your fault…nothing is.’ landon broke down and covered her hand with his. “yes it is…i was late. do you remember now? this wouldn’t have happened. you would’ve been with me!” she waited until he was looking into her eyes again. ‘landon,’ she mouthed his name and brushed her lips lightly against his. he shook his head slowly. “i can’t.”

her heart sank and she backed away from him. kayla couldn’t believe what she was about to do, but knew she had no choice. ‘there is no ‘us’ if you can’t.’ she slipped off her engagement ring and placed it into his palm. it would have been more humane if she’d stuck a dagger through his heart and twisted it around slowly. “don’t do this, kayla,” he refused to take it back. kayla squeezed her eyes shut in as she wept and placed the ring on the counter instead. “why?” she looked at him one last time and gathered her courage. ‘you know why. i can’t make a life with someone who doesn’t understand the grace that he’s been given.’ she hurried away from him; each step more painful than the next. if she had to see his face one more time, she wouldn’t have the strength to do what was right. “it’s over!?” he cried. kayla paused for a moment hearing the anguish in his voice, but she refused to turn back. ---------scritch scritch scritch whump…scritch scritch scritch whump…. landon rolled over in his bed trying figure out where the noise and whimpering was coming from and then it registered. lewis was making attempt after valiant attempt to make it up to the bed. he’d get a few feet up, claw the bed sheets and then land back down to the floor on his backside. landon chuckled in spite of his drunken haze and bent down to toss lewis onto the bed. he glanced at the clock: 7:36 in the evening. four hours since kayla walked out of his life. he did his best to sit upright and watched with disinterest as lewis begin to single handedly destroy his comforter by ripping it into shreds. “c’mon lew,” his voice croaked as he wondered what other disasters awaited him since the dog had been unoccupied since he passed out. “let’s go for a walk.” once landon had a pair of shorts and shirt on he picked up the dog with one hand and stumbled down the stairs to look for his sunglasses and flip-flops. before walking out the door, after the dog had his leash on, landon chomped on three excedrin and washed it down with what was left of his vodka. it took the pair twenty minutes to walk a mere two hundred yards once they were on the lake path. lewis, the “babe-magnet” was averaging about three girls every five minutes. through his mirror plated sunglasses, landon began rating the cleavage of all the women who squatted down to fawn over the golden retriever. “oh…what cute wittle bwaby…” a leggy fake blonde maneuvered a straight bend forward allowing landon full access. he knocked off two points, one for each breast because they were bogus.

“what’s his name,” she cooed while and expertly tossed her ponytail aside to gaze up at landon. “huh? oh…ah, lewis.” “hi lew-y baby…aren’t you just the sweetest wittle ting i’ve ever seen…” lewis responded by lopping over on his haunches to pick up his hind leg and lick himself. the woman stood up to her full glorious height that landon judged to be about five foot ten or so. “i’m jill,” she held out her manicured hand. landon shook it. “i’m landon.” “do you live around here?” “yeah—lewis!” the puppy was barking and growling at another dog about fifty times his size. landon was slightly worried the giant mastif was going to swallow lewis one bite so he swiped him under his arm and lifted the puppy off the ground. “ooh, you think yo a tuff wittle man, don’t ya?” jill teased trying to scratch his ears. lewis was only interested in chewing the tips on her fake nails off. landon clamped his hand over the puppy’s mouth. “lew, cut it out.” “i’m sorry, where do you live?” she giggled. her giggle sucked compared to kayla’s. kayla…he sighed. “um, just a couple blocks that way,” he nodded his head in the direction. “cool. i live in the calhoun beach apartments.” “that’s nice.” “so ah…is this little guy your date for tonight?” landon looked at her. “ah, yeah. we’re late for dinner.” he kept walking leaving the woman gaping. maybe in the past this jill chick would have been a nice distraction, but all he wanted to do was mope back home and take an overdose of sleeping pills. kayla’s request had been a simple one. he’d do anything for her…except lie. she would see right through him. even if kayla’s attacker was still alive, landon knew he’d want to hunt him down and kill him with his bare hands. how was he supposed to let go of that rage so easily? he walked to the gas station and bought some more booze. upon arriving home, landon decided on a better place to drink his misery into oblivion and grabbed the car keys. ---------he took another lazy sip of his beer and then poured a little more out for lewis to drink. he lost track of what number he was on, but figured it was pretty high by now because

instead of chucking one tennis ball across the dining room of the bare house he bought for kayla-that was scheduled for demolition the next day- it appeared to be two tennis balls. he glanced out the window to the backyard where he and kayla had fallen asleep in the hammock. god, life was almost perfect that lazy afternoon with her lying in his arms…no, it was perfect. his plan was to stay here all night and have them demolish the house with him in it. he chugged the rest of the contents in the green bottle and moved to grab the next one as lewis, tired of playing fetch, awkwardly slumped down beside him and sighed his loud pathetic puppy sigh appearing to feel the effects of the alcohol kick in most likely. landon tried to imagine forgiving that woman; wrapping his arms around her in a big hug and saying all was better and if her son was alive, he’d do the same. hell, even invite them over for dinner! yeah right. maybe kayla could do that, but she was kayla. she probably was better off without him. it would take a miracle for him to forgive wholeheartedly. but if a miracle was in order, god was the one to deliver. suddenly lewis’s ears perked up. he struggled to his paws that were still too big for his body and skidded across the floor and the hallway till he made it to the front door. landon listened to the heavy footsteps that ended about two inches in front of him. “quite the guard dog you got here,” cub chuckled and set lewis back down on the floor. “wha' you doin’ here, cub?” landon slurred. cub took a seat next to landon and helped himself to a beer. “so this is how you’re gonna do yourself in. drink till you die.” “yup,” landon took another swig not caring that most of the liquid ended up dribbling down his chin. he circled his eyes suspiciously to look at cub. “how’d y’know i’s here?” “lucky guess,” he nudged landon. “actually…when you ditched our golf date, i got kinda worried. so i called kayla and she thought you might be here.” “wouldn’t think she cared much,” he snorted. lewis scuffled over to cub and dropped the slimy tennis ball into his lap hopefully. “the self-deprecating bull isn’t going to fly with me,” he replied dryly while lofting the slime ball into the air for the puppy. “then leave,” landon mumbled. cub simply rolled his eyes and continued playing fetch with lewis; occasionally laughing along with landon every time dog lost his footing and slammed into the wall. “i mean…you know what she asked me to do?” landon blurted out. “she…she said she couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t understand grace… or some crap along those

lines.” he laughed sarcastically. “she asked me to forgive that sonuvabitch! h-how can she even forgive him!? huh? huh!? that fucker is the reason everything is so fucked up!” “news flash, buddy. he’s not the reason and kayla already knows that. the problem is you don’t.” landon snorted in disbelief and waved his hands in the air dramatically. “than it’s god’s fault!” cub chuckled in spite of himself. “if you mean that god allowed this to happen, then you’re right.” “why?” “i dunno.” cub shook his head. “why do people think when life sucks it’s because either there’s no god or else god hates them?” “which is it?” landon murmured. “neither,” matt shrugged his shoulders. “whad’ya think kayla meant by grace?” landon rolled his head to the side and narrowed his eyes in confusion. “dunno.” “sure you do. why did christ die?” “save me from my sins…yada yada yada….” “and therefore allowing them to be forgiven, right?” “yeah…” “did you deserve his forgiveness…?” “mfph.” “landon.” “no.” “can i tell you a story?” “tell-schmell away.” “there once was a great king; richest king in the world…” “is this a true story?” “ah…yes and no.” “fine. continue with story time.” “there was a citizen in his kingdom who was arrested by the police for not repaying a gambling debt. the guy had racked up like say…a half-million…totally unable to pay it

back. so as a just punishment, the king decided that the man would be executed and his wife and children would be sold in into slavery to cover a fraction of the debt. “the man fell to his knees at the king’s feet and begged him to have mercy on him and his family though he had no way of paying the king back. what do you think the king did?” “you’re the one telling the story.” “fine. the king was merciful and decided to cancel the debt and allow the man to go free.” “i think i’ve heard this story,” landon murmured. “than tell me how it ends.” landon shrugged. “that very same man had an employee who worked for him. that employee owed him a mere five-thousand dollars he couldn’t repay. so he threw the employee in jail for not repaying him the five grand even after his own life had been spared for not repaying a debt a hundred times as much.” “hmm…” “you know who i’m talking about, landon.” “yeah…” he sighed miserably. “but it’s not the same.” cub abruptly jumped to his feet and leaned over to slap landon on the side of the head… hard. landon cursed and rubbed the sore spot. “ow! what’s your problem!?” “wake up landon! the woman of your dreams gives you a simple request…one that should be easy to do because you should know what it feels like to be forgiven when you don’t deserve it! just like you don’t deserve to have someone like kayla love you unconditionally…but she does! she’s crazy about you, man…” “if she loves me so much why’d she leave me, huh?” cubbie crouched in front of him. “because she loves you, dumbass! she knows that if you two stay together with the way you are, you’ll never wake up and realize the grace that’s been given to you if you don’t learn to give it to others.” landon rubbed his hands over his face. “it’s too late anyway. the people i’m s’pose to forgive are long gone.” “doesn’t matter.” “lot easier said than done, cubbie.” “of course it is. that’s why you ask god for help. you can’t forgive anyone on your own. it’s not in our pathetic nature.”

landon slumped over to the side to cool his forehead on the bare wood doing his best to shove lewis aside when the puppy kept trying to bite his face. cub lay a hand on his shoulder. “grace isn’t fair, landon,” he stated in a quiet voice. “figure that out before you completely throw everything away.” landon closed his eyes and let the world inside his head spin. he vaguely heard something plop down beside him. “some night time reading…or morning if you ever sober up.” landon peered over see the blurry resemblance of a small bible. “gimme your keys.” “huh?” cub surveyed the room and found them lying next to the grocery bag of the remaining six packs. he picked up the bag o’ beer, keys and lewis in the other arm. “i’ll be back to pick you up in the morning.” landon rolled over onto his face. “you canna jus leave me here…” he mumbled into the floor. “wanna bet?” cub replied slamming the front door behind him. ---------cub entered through the door from the garage into the kitchen and stopped immediately when he saw his wife consoling a distraught kayla at their kitchen table. both of them looked up hopefully when he came in. “did you find him?” carly asked. he nodded and set down lewis. kayla got up and walked over to pick up the dog. she held up lewis and studied him for a moment, then brought his snout to her nose and she sniffed. glancing back at cub she questioned him with her expression. “ah…lew’s had a little bit too much to drink.” her eyes popped open in horror and cub laughed in spite of the situation. “he’s fine… really.” ‘landon?’ she mouthed in panic and set the disoriented puppy back down on the kitchen floor where he lopped over onto his side. “he’s ah…hmm…” he wondered how much information about landon’s pathetic state he should divulge. it didn’t matter. kayla knew from the look on his face. she sat back down and buried her head in her arms. grabbing the piece of paper she’d been communicating with carly on,

she scribbled down: i was too hard on him wasn’t i? cub glanced at the note and shook his head. “no…he needs to learn one way or the other.” where is he? “where you guessed, at the house moping.” drunk? cub rolled his eyes and nodded to the lethargic puppy lying at her feet. “what do you think?” kayla once again buried her face into her arms. carly rubbed her shoulders. “he’ll come around kayla, we just have to keep praying.” with a painful sigh, kayla got to her feet and grabbed her purse along with the dog. she thanked cub and carly and made her way out to the car. on her way home, she continued her petitions to god for landon. it hadn’t been easy for her to forgive, but she knew forgiveness was more powerful than revenge and anger. show him how to forgive, lord. please, you know i need him. all those times she questioned god about why landon was in her life and now she knew. she had needed him. she always would. it was landon who brought her back to life after michael died. it was landon who never left her side after the tragedy. it was landon who sacrificed everything to be with her. it was landon who made sure she never gave up. a solitary tear rolled down her cheek. she glanced at the inebriated puppy sprawled out on her passenger seat and laughed. she decided that in lewis’s mellow state, it’d be the perfect opportunity to give him a bath. he had dried mud stuck in furry clumps on his belly and between his paws. when kayla got home, she filled the tub and searched for some leftover dog shampoo. needless to say, the water sobered up lewis immediately and he cried pathetically the whole time, but he did like the hair dryer as he attempted bite off all the hot air blowing out through the end of it. ---------landon walked out to the dock with the pocket bible in his hand; the pounding headache a good indication of his sobriety. the sun hadn’t risen yet, but it was starting to get light out off in the distance and the stars were becoming afterthoughts. he sat down on the edge allowing his feet to skim the water and flipped open to the passage cubbie had highlighted. he recognized the chapter: 1 john 4 from when he recited verses to kayla about love the day he proposed to her, but somehow had failed to take the time and comprehend the rest of the passage. he murmured the words to himself out loud: “there is no fear in love. but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. the one who fears is not made perfect in love. we love because he first loved us. if anyone says ‘i love god,’ yet hates his brother, he is a liar. for anyone who does not love his

brother whom he has seen, cannot love god whom he has not seen. and he has given us this command. whoever loves god must also love his brother.” and then it hit him as he stared out into the beauty laid out before him. landon bowed his head completely broken. thinking of his wretchedness and how cub was right. it didn’t matter what his or anybody’s sin was. the fact remained that people made horrifying decisions that not only tore at the heart of relationships, but more importantly at the heart of god; decisions that were unforgivable. and still god poured out his forgiveness unconditionally for those who sincerely accepted what he did as payment for the consequences of those decisions. his mind wandered back to an eleven year old boy who once showed him the meaning of grace. had he already forgotten what cody had meant to him? what he had taught him? the boy had offered him forgiveness twice without any strings attached; without any hesitation. how could he not do the same? “my mom told me that god forgives everyone if they ask for it, so we should do the same.” then he remembered todd, the way he’d asked landon for forgiveness after hurting kayla. had he truly forgiven him? was forgiving someone letting them off the hook? would todd ever hurt kayla again? and kayla…sweet kayla. how much could a scale measure how unworthy he was of her love? he recalled the excitement in her eyes about having her father walk her down the aisle. he’d been so cold to richard assuming that he needed to earn his way back into his daughter’s graces. and what had she done? “landon you can’t buy forgiveness and you can’t earn it.” she was right. god, was she right. who was he to put stipulations on forgiveness, to put a price tag on grace? “i’m sorry,” he cried aloud. “i’ve sinned. i’ve sinned against the woman i love. i’ve sinned against you…” the things he’d done in not just the past few blurry days, but even since he’d accepted christ made his heart bleed, but no tears came. he was beyond tears; absolutely spent and utterly detestable. “i need your forgiveness and i need you to help me do the same.” landon watched the first hints of color paint the morning sky suddenly feeling completely insignificant and at the same time wholly significant. for his own glory, god would create humans who would inevitably betray the only thing that made their lives worth living; humans as insignificant as grains of sand yet each worth more than all the riches on the earth put together. ---------he unlocked her front door. “kayla?” called out hopefully as he strode over to her bedroom door. landon knocked on it softly and tried the handle. it was locked so he tried again until he heard scratching and barking from the other side. when she opened the door, landon fell to his knees and bowed his head.

thank you god, kayla praised silently and laced her hands through his hair; missing the way it felt coursing through her fingers. relieved, landon sighed deeply and circled his arms around her waist pressing his cheek against her tummy. “forgive seventy times seven, huh?” kayla smiled down at him and nodded. ‘and then some.’ “how’d you do it? how can you remember and still forgive?” ‘i hate what he did landon, but i can’t hate him. if i did than i’d be saying christ wasn’t good enough to die for the worst of us. he’s the one who allows me to even forgive.’ he grinned deeply. “so that’s what it means to have christ living in your heart?” ‘yeah,’ she mouthed. he tightened his arms. “kayla, do you still want a good-for-nothing jerk as your husband?” she lifted his face to look at her and smoothed away his stray locks of dark hair tenderly. with her hands she communicated: ‘we’re all good-for-nothing,, but god loves us anyway.’ “that’s good to know,” he whispered rising to his feet to caress her cheeks. he dug the ring out of his pocket and slipped it back on her finger. “before we go see ms. matson, will you come someplace with me? there’s someone else who needs my forgiveness.” ---------he let go of her and squatted down in front of the headstone. “i, ah…don’t even know if it matters that i’m saying this out loud, knowing that you probably don’t even hear me. i blamed you all my life for everything…for mom.” landon whispered still aching when he thought of her. “you may have been a lousy father and husband, but i know now that life is a sum of our choices. i chose the easy road. i chose to hate you. but…ah…you see, this whole time i thought i was punishing you…i was just hurting myself. maybe things could be different if you were still alive.” landon rose to his feet and scuffed the grass. “i forgive you, dad…and ah…i guess if you can somehow hear me, i hope you can forgive me too.” kayla watched him; folding her arms around herself as the wind picked up. landon stared off into the distance. he really didn’t feel any different. nothing was going to change the past. he supposed that’s what it meant to lay your burdens at the cross. they didn’t disappear magically, but he also didn’t have to carry them with him anymore. turning around he reached for kayla’s hand. she grinned from ear to ear as their fingers laced through each other’s. the sun made it’s way fully over the horizon; casting a warm glow over them as they walked hand in hand into the beginning of a new day.

kayla looked at herself in the vanity in the tiny dressing room of the church. her hair was half up, half down; swept elegantly back in tumbles of golden curls that reached to the middle of her back. she was pleasantly surprised at the woman who looked back her. after everything that had happened, she felt more at peace than at any other moment in her life. the memories of that horrific night were still there, but different now. they held no power and she was dying for landon take her breath away. kayla shivered in excitement; never thinking it possible to be intimate with him again. but she had prayed for restoration; and god was faithful. landon had treated her with the utmost adoration, reminding her that she could have all the time in the world to heal from her memories and he needed time too still to completely let go of his guilt. “sweetheart.” dana poked her head the doorway after about five minutes of leaving kayla alone in the room with her thoughts. the vision of her only daughter in her bridal gown and soft curls framing her delicate features ruined any chance dana had of holding back her tears until the ceremony. ‘mom,’ kayla admonished her gently. ‘you can’t start crying now!’ she communicated and stood up from the stool she had been sitting on and rushed over to embrace her mother. dana carefully wiped her tears so she wouldn’t mess up her make-up and carefully hugged kayla. she fingered one of kayla’s curls “i don’t know how god trusted me to be your mother.” she started as more tears trailed down her face. kayla bit her lip trying to hold hers back. “ahem.” richard peeked through the door and found it hard to keep his tears from falling just yet when he saw that dana and kayla were miserably failing at their attempts. “are you ready?” he asked shyly. kayla beamed and nodded her head enthusiastically. richard held out his arm. “i think landon is going to faint when he sees you!” he said returning her radiant smile. kayla kissed him on the cheek and mouthed, ‘thanks, daddy.’ ----------the tiny chapel was just big enough for the modest number of guests they had invited. the alworths were there with their two daughters and youngest son. amanda and peter arrived along with the johnsons and other close friends from church. landon’s agent, taggert made an appearance along with his cousin and their two daughters who drove from duluth. kayla had even insisted on inviting veronica and gave herself props noting how bryan’s mouthed clunked to the ground when they were introduced.

as the pianist played kayla’s favorite hymn for her to walk down the aisle to, ‘the gift of love,’ she began to cry when she saw him and once she got going he proceeded to lose it completely as well. landon took the sight of her in. her effervescent smile was enough to light the entire room without any of the candles. the simple a-line silk gown accentuated her tiny waist, sweetheart neckline modestly hugged her bosom and hung off-the shoulders exposing her delicate neckline. instead of a bouquet, she held a small bible that contained a letter on the inside she had written for landon. when she arrived at his side and hugged her father, landon leaned down to whisper in her ear. “damn, woman. why you gotta make me all nervous?” kayla bit her lip hard to keep from laughing. the pastor offered an opening prayer and had everyone sit down. he opened the bible and presented a simple meditation on ephesians 5: 25. “husbands, love your wives as christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. the beauty and mystery of what marriage is truly defined as was demonstrated when christ came to make the kind of love between a man and a woman visible. all christ’s sufferings were meant to represent how husbands should love their wives.” he looked at landon. “how you are to honor and cherish kayla.” he turned his attention to kayla. “and kayla, as landon’s wife you will represent how the body of christ is to respond to his love, by obeying and trusting in the love that landon has for you.” kayla rested her hands on his chest and felt the rapid beating of his pulse at her finger tips; her own matching the rhythm; as if their hearts were already becoming one. “and so with that said,” continued the pastor, “before we repeat the traditional vows, i know that you two have prepared some words to share with each other.” he nodded to landon indicating that he could go first. with one arm still firmly around kayla’s waist, landon reached into his suit pocket and pulled out the letter he had written for her. he shook his head, trying not to bawl all over again and took a deep breath as he laughed nervously; afraid to look directly into her eyes knowing he wouldn’t be able to get the words out otherwise. “kayla madeline moore. for anyone who doesn’t believe in miracles, all they have to do is take a breath…because i know every breath i take is a gift…a miracle from the one who created me himself.” landon blinked back his tears. “as if he isn’t gracious enough to give me a chance to glorify him with each breath i take, he goes even beyond my wildest dreams by allowing me to share them with you…kayla…my love, my angel…my miracle. may he teach me every second of every day how to love you, cherish you, protect and adore you the way he does.” his last words were barely spoken above a whisper, “…until i breathe my last breath.” kayla melted and leaned her forehead into his chest to sob as the tears streamlined down her cheeks from hearing his tender promises. “was it that bad?” he asked.

kayla smiled and shook her head. landon offered to take the letter from her so he could read the words aloud. unfolding the note he took a deep breath and began: “landon mitchell stern. if heaven isn’t being your wife, than i can’t begin to imagine what awaits for us after we’ve left this place and hopefully finished the work that the lord had planned for us. i never dreamed he could fill my heart with the joy and love i have for you. i wish there were words to describe the gratitude i have towards god…because…i get to be yours…at least for a little while on earth…and i really really hope that’s a long time…” landon laughed through his tears. the hand holding her letter began shaking. “may god teach me how to honor you, trust you, support you…adore you…may our love be a testimony…undeniable proof of the love he has for all of us.” he looked up into her eyes and nodded. “it will be,” he whispered. ‘i love you,’ she mouthed. ‘i love you,’ he mouthed back before the pastor continued. landon was then instructed to slip the wedding band on her ring finger and repeat their vows. when landon finished, kayla took the wedding band and placed it on his. she prepared to repeat the vows through sign language, but stopped and gazed up at landon. his breath caught when he saw the look in her eyes and what happened next was an answer to his prayers for a miracle. his ears were filled with the enchanting sound, the same voice that had willed him to live with her fervent prayers over a year ago emerged from her soft lips. “landon—” she was cut short as landon choked out a sob and all of the guests gasped in shock. kayla’s eyes matched his awe as well and she clutched her throat to make sure it wasn’t a fluke. “oh my god…oh my god!” she cried through her tears of joy and then she began laughing. there were now enough tears between the two of them to sink the titanic. landon placed his palms on her cheeks. now he was the one who was speechless so he did the only thing that felt natural; he covered her lips with his. the wedding guests all began applauding in wonder at what they were witnessing. dana clutched richard’s arm in shock and began to cry as well wanting to rush up to her daughter and smother her with hugs and kisses. “let them finish,” richard whispered and continued to hold onto dana. the pastor, unsure of what to do, decided to wait a few moments for further instruction… or until landon was finished kissing her. “say something again,” he demanded with excitement.

kayla gasped for breath. “landon! you weren’t supposed to kiss me yet!” he kept smoothing her cheeks; staring at her in astonishment and then kissed her forcefully again. “say something else,” he broke their kiss only enough to insist more words out of her just to make sure someone hadn’t hit him on the head. “landon…” she gasped and giggled. oh, dear sweet lord. her giggle was back. the pastor cleared his throat. “okay, i think we’re ready,” she replied quietly; still not sure how to use her voice after being silent for so many months. there had to be a medical explanation for this happening, but she glanced at landon and knew. why was god being so gracious to them? he had answered landon's fervent prayers…and in this case, instead of "no," the answer was “yes.” ----------landon propped his elbow up and cradled his head in his palm next to kayla in bed. the rose petals were still scattered about throughout the sheets and the candles placed in the room had nearly burned to the end of their wick. his eyes roamed up and down his wife’s body; from the waves of golden curls splayed across the pillow, to her soft curves and with his free hand he drew little circles on her bare abdomen. kayla shivered involuntarily and giggled from the way it tickled. “hey, little one?” “hmm?” “what are the chances of me knocking you up on our honeymoon?”