Welcome, Again, To Nowhere!

Ahh... Nowhere! The unspoiled landscape is only briefly touched upon by the ambitions of humankind, with few houses and fewer businesses, churches and chocolate shops. The local high school is the only building of note, constructed in the 1920’s. Nowhere can claim the best high school football team in the state – in fact, in local parlance a particularly good or surprising play is often said to “come from Nowhere”. The fabled Bridge to Nowhere is a favorite town legend, and parts of the bridge can still be seen in neighboring Pleasantville.

For a city of this size, the amount of recreational activities is extraordinary. Nowhere is the home of the semiannual International Lawnwatching Competition. Teams of lawnwatchers from around the world come together for three days of watching grass grow. The winning team takes home a 50 lb. bag of Kentucky Bluegrass seeds and a trophy in the shape of a lawnmower.

Nowhere is also the place to celebrate National Paintdrying Week. Throughout the festivities, fences, houses, porticos, gazebos and derelict barns are coated with gaily colored paint, and visitors are invited to watch as the paint dries to a bright, moisture-sealing finish. Lodgings fill up fast for this event, so make sure you reserve your spot early!

What to Do?

Culturally, Nowhere has influenced great musical works. During a visit in 1969, Neil Young got the inspiration for his classic album, “Everyone Knows This is Nowhere”, and even took the cover photo here. During a cross-country tour in 1965, John Lennon made a stop in Nowhere, inspiring the well-known hit “Nowhere Man”. According to local lore, “Nowhere Man” is based on a blind, aimless, clueless townsperson with a bad sense of direction.

Nowhere provides a number of prime social activities Every Friday, the entire town gets together to perform the classic song “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall”, until all the citizens either fall away dead drunk or the beer stocks are spent. Nowhere also hosts the country’s first Procrastinators’ Club, established in 1867. Although its first meeting has yet to be held, its members uphold the club’s tenets in their daily lives and strive to spread the message of procrastination whenever they get around to it.

Nowhere is known for one of the world’s most recognizable landmarks. The Middle of Nowhere is memorialized by a simple statue of red granite, carved in an elegant tapered square pillar. Located in the center of town, the pillar is a plaintive, if frequently ignored, statement of pride to all citizens.

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Nowhere Tourism Bureau 16 West Nowhere Square Nowhere 00000-0000 www.townofnowhere.com

The Most Perfectly Nondescript City in America!

The Middle of Nowhere!

Beautiful... Wonderful... Lovely....

Nowhere!

“Heaven is a place A place where nothing ever happens” - David Byrne, “Heaven” Nowhere is the closest thing to Heaven that has ever been conceived, a place of pure senility and tranquility. The

town’s residents respect each other and join together in communal nothingness. No one strains themselves to succeed, or even to get out of bed depending on the day. The town (pop. 15,685) was founded in 1918 as a result of land squabbles from its immediate neighbors, incorporated because none of them wanted to claim the land. Its obscurity is highly protected, and a source of pride for all resident Nowherians. On the best of days, it remains invisible to even its citizens. The local highways bypass it completely, and most maps do not list it. The nearest post office is 30 miles away. These circumstances allow Nowhere to be forgotten for decades at a time. It has even been ignored by the US government for over 50 years – the most recent census data available is from 1920, shortly after the town came into being.