The Universal Truth

This is dedicated to Eve, who I knew always loved me. I tried to remember everything . I apologize to anyone who did begat that I did not mention. I’m supposed to mention the Greek word for dinosaur is,,,

The Universal Truth (revised edition)

For as long as God could remember, there was God. God was a white man who made space and the planets and the stars and fish. He did this in seven days. Now in the bible, the number seven does not necessarily mean "seven" and has been interpreted by many to also symbolize "7". Later others would break seven down to "5" + "2" but that was not up to God. God liked Seven. Rhymed with Heaven. And Unleavened. Brethren. All the "Plan". In fact, that's where it begins. And it's long and sometimes dreary, so have a couple of stiff drinks and we'll get at it. In the beginning was what God called "the Garden of Eden", perfection in itself. The rest of everything that God created, well, was not so much paradise and was pretty much a write-off. The planet Mars had been promising but had yielded none of the much heralded ray gun wielding Martians that God had planned. And so he promised himself never to plant on red soil again and turned again to the Garden of Eden. In the Garden of Eden, God created another man in his image. He did this by putting some clay on a potter's wheel and spinning for nearly seven days, seven hours and then seven minutes. When he was satisfied with the ashtray he had made (known to some as the ashtray that God built, or Goshtray) he said, “Let there be Adam.” And then he said, "Let there be an ashtray that has no lumps" This was part of God's plan. And surprising to even God himself, much like a magician who was skeptical of a new trick, there appeared before him, a man. Beautiful in form. Curled up under a Susquehanna plant (since extinct), there lay a man, sleeping. Peacefully sleeping. Sound asleep. Snoring and drooling, but beautiful in form. He even twitched! He was almost identical to God except that he could not fly or cause catastrophes and was only 5' 2" high. Further, while God had a beard that went down to his knees, was timeless in appearance and had well defined abs and glutes, Adam was a study in contrast. He had sandy red hair, a mousy ill grown moustache and would have been lucky to have weighed 120 pounds. Despite these things, the man was a spitting image of God, and God was a spitting image of the man. God gazed down lovingly at his creation. Having had no one to talk to since before the beginning of time, God was excited to have a companion. "Wake up!" said God and, in his boyish excitement kicked the man square in the ribs. Then he poked him in the eye with a stick. "I'm up!", screamed the man as he clambered for protection, seeing that God was about to beat him squarely with a Susquehanna branch.

God looked at his creation with a warm family grin. "Welcome to paradise. All of this is yours. Your days will be filled here with but nothing but peace and prosperity. All of the plants will bend to let you cross and the animals will bring you what you require. You will have free will. I will not interfere with your time here. I am the first liberal parent. You are man, God's most triumphant creation. You are the one called Adam." "You know what would be really funny?", asked Adam "What's that?", asked God, bemused. "Well, what if you called me Will? Call me Will. It's a better name' God looked on. "You know, you were saying how I'd have free will....so if you called me Will, well, then I'd be free Will, get it?" Adam looked in God's face and saw his first blank stare. "How about it?", went Will, "you know, you'd think I could at least choose my own name" "Adam", said God, "I am providing you with ever lasting life in a Garden of Eternal Paradise and you're telling me you don't like the name I've given you?" "It's not that I don't like it, it's just where did it come from? I mean, if I'm the first one, it's not like you had some kind of book you could choose from." "It was the first thing that popped into my head" "Right! And I love that -- but wouldn't it better if you named me after the first thing that popped into MY head? Wouldn't that be magnificent? That would be something. Especially since it was such a great pun! It would identify everything about me and the Garden of Eden. 'FREE WILL'. Oh, God, that's amazing!" "Follow me, Adam, there are many things you must see and learn.", said God. And so Adam trudged behind God to see the Garden of Eden where he could have free will, just not be free Will. And the Garden was magnificent! If you could imagine the triumphant harvest of the seeds that come from the brain of God -the eternal vision of a being without equal - the ultimate mixture of all that is without fault within the universe and beyond - if you can imagine these things, then you should be writing this. Don't think you're better than me. There are a few things that are known about the Garden. As they walked through the Garden, God pointed out to Adam some of the many delicacies that lay in wait for him. "Behold the impressive array of figs and olives that lay before you! My favourite fruits they are and they shalt be man's favourites throughout the timeless centuries!", thundered God to Adam. Adam plucked a fig, and tossed it into his mouth, while wondering how a century could be timeless. "Is there no better taste than that of a ripened fig?!", bellowed God as he slapped his prodigy on the back.

Adam politely smiled as he pulled the fig down his throat and wondered what could be any worse. And as they walked amidst the breeze of a God-warmed day, God would point at some of the things Adam would come to expect. "There lies a four-legged mule! A champion of labour, stubborn perhaps but willing to work long hours! You'll find the four-legged mule to be quite handy" "And what other kinds of mules are there?", asked Adam, his interest peaked at the sheer muscle of the beast "What other kinds?", asked God "Beside the four legged mule." "Well, there are no other kinds" "Then why not just call it a mule?" "Because we wouldn't know how many legs it has, Adam", said God, trying to keep his tone as one of enduring and loving patience. Adam looked down and thoughtfully chewed on an olive, which was better than a fig, but not much. A few moments passed before they passed a bird sitting lovingly on top of an egg. Seeing Adam's quizzical expression God explained, "That egg will hatch into a chick one day, Adam" "So, the chick's in the egg?", asked Adam, "What are these things called?" "Chickins." "So, before this chickin, there was only one egg?", asked Adam. "Pardon?", asked God "I mean, before this chickin could lay an egg, it had to come from an egg of its own, right?" "How do you mean? If that were the case, how then would that original egg be fertilized?", asked God "Well, how is this egg going to be fertilized?", stepped up Adam. "Adam, you're walking through the Garden of Eden, with me, who am God, and you're babbling about evolution?" Adam felt a bit silly but still couldn't help wondering. "Anyhow, Adam, that seems to have been about six days, so I guess it's time we should rest" And God disappeared leaving Adam with a realization that in this new world that God had created, time was indeed relative.

Playing the lead role of the Garden of Eden came easily for Adam. There was no bickering. God had granted him free will, so he didn't have God yelling at him not to spit his olive pits on the beach, and all of the animals were friendly and caused him no harm. He'd often test that by walking up to a sleeping lion and kicking it hard in the eye, and the lion would awake with a start, look up as if to say, "oh, it's you', smile and go back to sleep. God would sit up in God's space and spend his time gently looking down admirably at his best creation. Adam would pretend that God wasn't making him feel creepy. By about the seventh month (or 7th month in some circles), Adam had grown restless. He'd look up and see God smiling down at him and yell up "Do you have any reading material?", and God would look away as if he hadn't been watching Adam and couldn't hear him. It had got to the point where the lion himself was so bored he was asking Adam to crack him over the head with a big rock. Seven days later, the lion had asked Adam to accompany him and another lion named Betty to witness that evening's meteor shower, which Adam enjoyed. He had noticed the two holding paws and had begun to feel like the universe's first third wheel. But he noticed something special between the two that seemed to make the lion happy. And so Adam was happy. He excused himself and the lions politely brushed him off. And so the months went on and on. The lion and Betty seemed to spend all their time together. Adam had taught himself how to fly a kite. He had built himself a shelter should there not be a full day of perfect weather in the Garden of Eden. He had taken the shelter down because it was always perfect weather in the Garden of Eden. He had piled rocks and bamboo stocks to climb where he would throw rocks at birds while seeing how far he could pee. God had taken to teaching himself how to spin pencils between his fingers and resting. He was sleeping more and more often and asking questions of Adam like "You hate me, don't you?" and "Do you think I'm ugly?" to which Adam felt like he had no response. The Garden had become a slow, quiet place. God seemed to get more and more bummed out everyday. Adam stayed away from God who was always asking if they could "talk" . Adam would walk with a pair of sea shells draped over his ears because he didn't know how to tell God that being God was as good as it gets. So, whenever God would try to get his attention, Adam would reply, "What's that, God", "I'm sorry, I can't hear you", I'm listening to the ocean!" while walking at a brisk pace like he was on his way to do something really important. And God would mumble something about how He's just not God material. One day as the lion was having a pee on a large rock and Adam was looking away, God appeared before Adam in the form of a quiet lightning bolt. All of the power and 'zap' of a full course lightning bolt but with the texture of a 3 ply Kleenex. It was all deity. He was dressed as a picture book God. He had let his beard grow. His hair was soft to the touch without being oily and his robes were purer white than chess pieces shorn from ivory from elephants by callous poachers from a future that Adam knew nothing of. Glimmering white. White reflecting the sun that He, God himself had created. A booming God. A commanding

God. A strangely angry God.

"A D A M !", thundered God in a manner that suggested no Kleenex. Adam tripped and fell. Behind God , the trembling lion peed as fast as he could, trying not to make a sound. "L I O N !", bellowed God in a voice louder than every bell in every tower on every Christmas Day. The lion looked over, and in as casual a lion voice he could muster without sounding overly flippant or indifferent said, "Oh, God, hi, I didn't see you there." as he strolled over to stand beside Adam and gave God his best not panicked smile. "As you both know, I am impotent!", declared a stern faced God. "Do you mean important?", asked Adam nervously. The lion looked down and bit his lip. "Did I say important, Adam?" asked God, looking at the lion, as if he was the one being asked. The lion responded by shaking his head no. "No, I didn't! Did I? The lion knows what I said and it certainly wasn't important. Lion, care to tell Adam what I said?", said God turning around, gesturing his arms in a manner indicative of one teaching. God sure looked impressive. The lion looked horrified. A million scattered thoughts raced through his feline brain. Should he correct God? Does he say, "God, what you mean to say is omnipotent?" Maybe they had it wrong. This man doesn't make mistakes. Yet, He had created them and they had created the language so maybe God was actually new to the whole thing. But then again God seemed particularly wrathful for some reason or another. And the last thing the lion wanted to be was the guy who had agreed that God was impotent. So, having a brain based more on instinct that reasoning, the lion just kept quiet. God continued, 'Don't worry, lion, We're not ganging up on Adam here. I just think that we should all maybe learn who is who here. Who's impotent and who's not. I only see one of us here that's impotent. Adam certainly is not impotent. I know, lion, with all due respect that you're not impotent. I am the only impotent one in this garden - but, really, Adam, you're starting to get a rise out of me" The lion's relief at not having to answer the question was overcome by sheer panic at how badly he wanted to giggle. In the face of God. And that's when God sat down. On the rock.

'God! You can't!", uttered Adam. "Adam!", boomed God's voice complete with echo. "I tire of your insolvencies!” The lion looked down, glad to be free of God's attention. God stood and in his anger, he seemed to grow larger than life. His presence expanded and seemed to touch upon every part of the living world. Leaves on every tree trembled from forces unseen. Insects scurried underground. And only the lion could see the big yellow splotch on the back of God's robe. For the first time in history, time the urge to laugh even louder because you know you're at a place where you just cannot laugh, was borne.. If you thought this feeling was bad in church, try bursting out in laughter at the fact that the angry God in front of you had just sat in your pee. Adam looked at the lion and then at God. God, thankfully, never noticed. The lion thanked God - quietly. "There's something I must discuss with the two of you, a Godly matter as it were.”, bespoke God, who with his hands at his hips pacing, looked like someone about to teach a physics lesson. "If I am 'all mighty,", he continued using two fingers of each hand to put quotation marks around the words all and mighty, "then really I should be able to do anything, right?" Adam and the lion nodded in unison. God looked all around, him, looked up, snapped his fingers and said, "Let there be.....me!" And then God disappeared for a second and reappeared looking all confused and bedraggled, as if he had just reappeared from a weekend bender. The lion and Adam, for lack of any other response applauded. "No! No!", demanded God, "Tell me -- did I disappear for a second?" Adam and the lion nodded. "Well, where did I go?" The lion and Adam stared at God without an answer. "Where? Tell me!" Silence.

And then God did it again. "Let there be me!" And reappeared in front of a confused lion and a confused Adam. "Let there be me!" And again. And again. "Where did I go? You must have seen it" And again. Again, again and again. But by the last time Adam and the lion had wandered off. The lion one day came up to Adam and introduced to him two smaller lions that walked in beside Betty. The lion was beaming, and Adam noticed that the two looked remarkably like Betty and the lion. "Where did you meet these two?", asked Adam and Betty laughed, "What?!" The lion interrupted, "We were walking and God, um...threw them at us." "Threw them at you?", thought Adam, "but I haven't seen God for what seems like seven weeks!" "Well good bye, Lion and Betty and your two new small friends!", waved Adam who was very happy for them. They seemed jubilant to have two new friends and Betty had seemed to lose all the weight she had put on over the last 7 days. Days went on and Adam didn't see much of his lion friends or God. Being shy he could only just smile and make small talk with the parrots that would perch on his shoulder and the chipmunks that clambered up his leg, seeking nuts. On his walks through the Garden, he would start to see more and more how the animals seemed to be arranging themselves in two's .Something bothered him more than the chickin and the egg. But he just couldn't put his finger on it.

There was a serpent , (there were no "snakes" in the garden of Eden") who went by many names. Some days he was simply , Beelzebub, others Lucifer, Hitler or Dublya who lived in a hollowed out log. Whenever Adam was around, the snake would spend it's time sliding in the log he called home and then sliding out. And then he'd slide in again. Occasionally, it'd spit milk out. This whole display fascinated Adam. "Serpent", said Adam to the snake, as he watched him ease his way in and out of the log, "Tell me something." The serpent stopped and slowly wound its eyes up to meet Adams. "Where did you get the milk?" "Follow me, Adam", sighed the serpent, "Follow me"

Adam followed the serpent through a twisted path where animals wrestled, poked, played and tugged and licked at each other. Adam liked to watch the animals wrestle because they seemed to enjoy it so much. Finally, they came to a pasture where a cow stood quietly and a bigger cow stood a top it, trying to persuade it to wrestle. "Look at them, Adam", said the serpent, “and the answer you've been trying to reach will come to you" Adam displayed at this display for a long while with a quizzical look on his face. Then, across the field he saw a number of smaller cows gathered round a larger one! "I have the answer!", said Adam as he saw the small cows walking away with milk dribbling down their chins. "Excuse me, cows, I know you're in the middle of a good wrestle, but I understand this is where God keeps the milk." And so God had gone for a walk and saw Adam sucking the teat of a cow that was mounted and knew that they had to talk. The next morning Adam awoke to God gently poking him in the eye with a Susquehanna branch. "Awaken my child", cooed God, and Adam looked up half awake into the teat of the cow he had suckled. "God.", said Adam, "you're up early" "I have slept for seven nights and now it is time that we did speak" Adam had never heard God speak as sternly as this and looked around him with concern. The cow had never heard God speak so sternly, and seeing it was Adam who had spent the night suckling her teats shuffled off indignantly hoping at the very least it was the bull who had mounted her. "Adam", continued God, "I am very deeply troubled for I fear that my Creation has caused its own problem." "Honestly God", said Adam,” I really do like milk but I'm sure that I can live without it." "Follow me Adam", said God,” there is something we must speak of" And so Adam followed God who spoke and drew and pantomimed and made facial expressions. He pointed at birds and pointed at bees. He made Adam watch how the animals wrestled. Adam's eyes grew wider and wider, and he put his hand over his mouth at times. God leaned over and whispered some parts in his ear.

There was a period of stunned silence. Adam looked down at his naked front. "What?”, he exclaimed, “You’re kidding me!” "No, Adam", said God, "No kidding.” "Then why did the lion lie to me?" "I asked him to. I asked them all to. It was for the Garden's good." "What? That I should die alone?", shouted Adam, "while others of the lesser species lived happily in families?" God hushed Adam, and they both smiled at the disgruntled cows with a quick assurance that they weren't the lesser species they were speaking of. The cows contentedly discussed what "lesser species" could possibly mean before they took turns rolling in manure to cool themselves off. "Adam", said God, "dearest Adam...." "I'm the ONLY Adam", he interrupted. "Then it shall be done. In Seven days" And then God disappeared in a crazy, hazy, purple cloud of organized smoke. And Adam sat there, pouting, rolling his eyes because Adam knew how long 7 days could mean. And in a crazy, hazy, purple cloud of organized smoke there appeared the serpent, behind Adam, and he wrapped his serpent face around Adam's front until they were eye to eye. "What happened?" "What happened?", asked Adam,” I’m the joke of the Garden. I've been using my man sheath to pound coconuts while everyone else has been having the time of their lives. Why didn't you tell me?" "I tried to Adam. It’s not sssimple like breaking one of God'ssss orderssss. You might have free will, but not usssss." "What'sss with the lissssp?", asked Adam "I have an impediment where I pronounce the ssssibilants s and z imperfectly esssssspecially by turning them into th. I'd hoped you'd not have ridiculed me." "That's not as half as weird as the chimps who rub each other when they think no one's looking but I mean, more, that it's an imperfection. And everything else here is perfect."

"Yesssss. I am the epitome of God'ssss mistakesssss rolled into one being. God doesn't like wassste so he rolled all his 'not-so-goods and 'could have been betters' into one being and that is me, forced to slide along the ground and forever put fear into all othersss heartssss. A fear that God allowsssss imperfectionsss. Forever sssssslithering on my belly. There issss no otherssss like me." "Well, except for snails", said Adam "Nothing like ssssnails", said the serpent, "Snailsss have shellssss to protect them." "But they lose their shells, and then they are just like you. And what about worms? Besides, what did you do before you had to slither, hop on your tail?" "Forget the sssnaillsss and damn wormsss!", cursed the serpent looking around him nervously, before lowering his voice to say, "So you're looking for a wig wam for your tom tom?" "Pardon?", asked Adam. "You never sssssaw me." And the serpent was gone. And God was there. "Good news, Adam.",said God, "hold me hand and I'll show you how it feels to disappear in a crazy, hazy purple puff of organized smoke" And Adam and God went to a place hotter than the hottest sun and colder than the coolest glacier. Further than eternal space in a span of time no more than eight and no less than six days. "Sit here", said God and Adam sat upon a potter's wheel made of gilded gold with a platinum petal and a marble base. "Do you suffer at all from motion sickness", asked God who offered some tiny bits of gravel for Adam's stomach just in case. And God began spinning the wheel and Adam could feel the cool coats of modeling clay taking shape around him. He felt nothing but exultation. Adam, the first of God's sensate creations now under the tools of omnipotent power in order to forge the next step in the evolution that God had called man! "Behold!", thundered God as he shoved a thumb up sleeping Adam's nose, "An Adam Ashtray! It's magnificent!" Adam looked. God was right. It looked just like him. "It's designed so that smoke will come from your ears!", boomed God. "Isn't that a riot?"

"Yes, God. It's a riot", said Adam, "Can I go home now?" Adam went home that night and stared at the stars for he could not sleep. The lion, his friend had lied to him. God was more concerned with novelty ashtrays bearing his semblance than his happiness and the only way he could open his coconut was using his man sheath. In all of man's history, man had never been less happy. Adam awoke to his rib being shattered by a large rock. "Good morning" It was a voice that Adam had never heard before. It sung like a thousand songbirds in the tune of the hum of a practiced hummingbird. The sweet sound of that voice alone would smash a thousand coconuts. Adam kept his eyes closed. "Pardon?", he said. "Good morning", chuckled the voice as something tickled Adam behind the ear. Adam slowly opened one eye and then opened the second one as fast he could. Good God! Good Mercy! What it was he saw before him. This was it! This was her! Her hair was a brilliant colour of the sun's whimsy. It flowed down over her magnificent cleavage. She had curves that made rainbows jealous. And for a belly button she had an "outty"! Adam was enthralled. If God could do anything, he sure could create beauty. And this beauty would be the genesis of a brand new world! A world where man would work together with animal and beast under the watchful eye of God. A dawn of a new age! And that, thought Adam, is what I'll call her...Dawn! "How ya doin'?'", she said, "I'm Eve, put these on. You look like you could smash coconuts with that thing" Adam looked up and saw that she was handing him what looked like a skirt made out of fig leaves. And that she was wearing one too, albeit one made out of just one leaf. For that, he was glad because at first glance it looked as if an important part of her was fig leaf green. After he had painfully donned his eve-skirt despite the throbbing of a shattered rib, Adam rummaged up enough nerve to ask her how she liked her name. "I like it", she said,” I wouldn't have picked it if I didn't like it" "You got to pick it?", asked Adam incredulously

"Well, I did, but of course there were some rules that God laid out" "What kind of rules?", asked Adam. "Well, it had to be a name that no one else had picked" "What about the name Dawn? I was thinking maybe......" Adam was interrupted by God who flew in in a span of time no less than half an eon and no more than half a garden second. He was glorious God again, abreast a flying white stallion and wearing a full clanking, plate of armour. "Adm", said God," Hve yu mt v?" Adam and Eve looked on. God shook his head, clanked, lifted the face plate on his helmet and stood down on his horse before repeating, "Adam" Adam looked on in awe at the clanking deity before him. God, the horse, the clanking all seemed to be radiating. "Adam, have you met Eve?" "Oh God, yes! She's magnificent. By and large a work of perfection. God, you are indeed a one of a kind class act. I knew you were up to it! In fact, God, I was thinking maybe because she symbolizes a beginning, a sunrise you know, the 'dawning' of a new era, maybe we could call her Dawn." "But, Adam, her name's Eve. Didn't she tell you?" Eve crossed her arms in front of her perfect, milky white bosom and said, "Yes God. I told him. I guess he thinks I'm too stupid to pick my own name." "Is that true, Adam? That's hardly fair. You just met her. When I first met you I thought you were a bit of an idiot, but I'm not one to dwell on first impressions. Eve is a brilliant name! Think of the eve. Sun's going down amidst the splendor of shades you simply can't find during the day. Speaks volumes. I think she'll do well. Good job, Eve. Good job" "Look, both of you -- Eve, I certainly don't think you're stupid.", said Adam slowing his rate of pace in order to calm the situation, " Believe me, I think you're everything I would want in a companion." Adam turned to God, " But at the risk of sounding petty, how come you let Eve pick her own name and I couldn't choose mine?" Well, at the risk of sounding overly harsh, when I we first met. I thought you were an idiot. Why would I let you pick your own name? Now anyhow about that rib that Eve smashed. I

asked her to smash it for me while you were sleeping. Turns out you had an extra. I managed fine with one less for her. That should just fall out painlessly." God took to counting his fingers on one hand while appearing to perform mental math and paused for a minute then said........nope......hold on.....as it turns out I made a mistake. Eve needed another rib for childbearing, so there was no real need to smash that one. I think you'll probably need it. Don't worry Adam, it'll heal in roughly...." "Seven days?", interrupted Adam. "Oh, me, no", said God, "You’re looking at a minimum of four weeks" And then God charged off clanking across the desert leaving a trail of dust that settled within seconds. Adam and Eve talked for a little while. Eve didn't have much to tell seeing she had just been born so Adam showed her some of the fig trees and olive trees around them. And the occasional folive tree which Adam called a "hybrid", a word he had picked up from God. Eve was interested at first but seemed to quickly bore of Adam's tales of how far he could pee and why one should never suckle a cow that's mounted under the watchful eye of God. "I'm getting bored of figs and olives", said Eve and she picked up a passing chipmunk and bit its head off. "Mmmmmmmmm, try this", she said wiping away some of the chipmunk blood that was seeping between her perfect. Milky white breasts. Adam didn't know what to do. He stood and stared in a mixture of shock and dismay at a woman who could never be so perfect doing such an imperfect thing. "Oh, here we go now. Don't start this.", snapped Eve, munching away at a bird she had snatched out of mid flight, "Lemme guess, when things get all rocky, you're going to blame me for the fall. Don't even think of it, pal. Honestly, try some bird. I'm surprised you hadn't thought of this. I just don't like the idea of eating things raw." And then a funny thing happened. For the first time it started to rain, and it rained hard. Adam looked up at the sky and cowered under an olive bush while Eve danced and shrieked, holding her arms up in the air to embrace the downpour. Adam noticed that even when she was dancing and squealing, Eve's hair was always covering up her torso. Rain came down and then lightning lit up the sky, crisscrossing in multiple arrays of the letter x before coming down to strike the ground around them. Booming claps of thunder smacked the skies together and echoed across the turbulent Garden. The olive tree beside the olive bush under which Adam cowered was set ablaze. And the rain stopped so it could burn. "Good", set Eve, "See? Now we don't have to eat this crap raw. Don't let that fire go out."

Adam learned to enjoy chipmunks and birds and crawfish and penguins and whatever else it was Eve had decided needed to be cooked. They had come to a simple yet workable plan of coexistence. Eve had worked it out. "I think", said Eve,” that you will be the hunter and I will be the gatherer." And so daily Adam would go out and bring food for him and Eve. Eve had taken to enjoy feeding some of the bigger animals which she called her pets. So Adam also hunted for the leopards, bears, elephants, giraffes, hippopaut........hippos, brontosaurus and tigers who took to lolling and resting on the beach behind where they lived. It was a long day for Adam and he had difficulty sleeping amidst the snoring of a thousand large animals. But he loved Eve, loved her milky white breasts and the way her fig leaf jiggled when she danced. And he resolved to be patient until she was ready to yield to his passions. One morning, after many patient nights, as Eve was running a contest amongst the animals to see who could pee the furthest, Adam asked, "Just out of curiousity, if I'm the hunter, and you're the gatherer, just what is it that you gather?" "Well", said Eve, applauding a particularly good Walrus pee, "I gather that you're the hunter. Now, run along now, mouth's to feed" As Adam was walking through the Garden, gathering food for another dinner Party Eve was planning, God appeared beside him. "Hey, God", said Adam without looking up "Hey, Adam." said God. Thus, they both, walked for a while, God with his hands tucked into the pockets of his robe and Adam wringing his. It was a long, quiet walk which paused every so often while Adam gathered some berries to put into his basket. "Is something the matter, Adam?", asked God, "I am impotent, ahem, omnipotent, you know." "Well, God. I'm lonely.", said Adam, fidgeting some dirt between his toes. "Lonely, well, what about Eve?", inquired God, his eyebrows furrowing into a look of concern. "Well, we're fine, but you know.", said Adam looking down at his loins. "You know what?", asked God. "You know.", repeated Adam emphatically glancing down at his loincloth. God was stumped. Despite his omnipotence, he still had a few things to learn about subtle gestures. "We haven't consummated!", blurted out Adam anxiously. "Oh. That. You should talk to her." "God. That had me thinking. I mean, if you're a sole creator, why do you need a...you know?", said Adam, glancing down at God's loins. "Why do I need a what, Adam?", beseeched God with a puzzled look on his face. "A man sheath! Why do you need a man sheath?", stressed Adam, "I mean, you're a sole creator, the only one, you don't mate, you create!" "Oh, that!", chuckled God, "Well, you wouldn't want God to be a woman now would you?" And Adam laughed out loud for the first time in forty days and God laughed with him and slapped him on the back and thus Adam felt better about misogynsim.

"Adam, there is one thing I should mention”, God motioned to some fruit on the ground, "These apples are rotten. They're no good. You and Eve should stay away from these apples." Adam didn't pay any attention to God's warning and spent the rest of the day gathering enough food for forty animals and Eve. Eve always made a special menu when she invited herbivores over, especially camels as they were strictly vegetarian and tended to be insulted when presented meat. The night, as had turned to be the norm, was especially raucous. The raccoons took turns pretending to be narwhales to everyone's delight. Even the narwhales laughed, slapping their tails on the shore and snorting. Adam was tired, He had spent ten and four hours harvesting fruits and berries, hunting and gathering firewood. Then he had to cook. So, tired as he was, he was still able to give his beloved a wink with a motion to retire alongside him. "What?", asked Eve, who was clearly tipsy, "You want to go to bed with me?" And then she spit her drink out her nose from laughter. "Let me guess,", said Adam, tired and full of nothing but self loathing "You wouldn't be with me if I was the last man on Earth." "Bah! Don't be such a Drama Queen!", said Eve, while tickling a drunken koala. Adam turned to leave, as always, by himself. "Adam!", yelled Eve after him, "Come here! Don’t be such a party pooper!" So it was that Adam's spirits were lifted the way that a man fools himself into thinking there's a chance when there is none. And so Adam did return to Eve. And so Eve said unto Adam, "Try this!", and handed him a glass. Adam took a long sip and it was good. It had the distinct bite of strong alcohol but the sweetness of a tasty drink. "It's good. What is it?", asked Adam "Apple Cider! I made it myself!", boasted Eve before stumbling over a rock. Adam spit the drink out in dismay. "Apple Cider!", he said "Listen, Adam, we have to talk", said Eve. Thus Adam did fall silent and was shocked at the apple cider but further shocked when Eve spaked again. "Look. I'm seeing somebody. And I'm pregnant.", said Eve matter of factly. Thus Adam did raise an eyebrow and did look at Eve as though he had been smitten with ridicule. "Get out", said Adam and he did look dejected. "No, Adam, I'm sorry. I know you've got the love thing for me, but you just don't cut it with me. I needed a bad boy. And then Snake came along. The guy's some biceps on him Adam. Some wicked tattoos. And the most adorable lisp. I'm supposed to go meet him later. I felt it was only fair to tell you.", said Eve. And did Adam then promise to watch the fire whilst the love of his life went to be with another man. Thus did obviously Adam knock back enough apple cider to get notoriously drunk. And it was the next morning that God arrived to find Adam curled up naked in a Garden of Eden that had burnt to the ground.

Adam was quiet. God was quiet. Eve was quiet. No one talked for a long time. Adam tried his best to clean up the garden, but it was difficult for everyone seeing that the garden was just a pile of ashes. Even the lion would only offer Adam a meek smile as he sauntered by with Betty and would mutter things under his breath like, "Nice Job, Adam." Eve was pregnant for seven days and forty nights which God said is the equivalent of nine months. Betty the lion talked her through breathing exercises because they both had decided that natural childbirth was the best option at this point. The delivery was quick and easy, and despite any hard feelings about it being someone else's baby, Adam was good about it. He figured since he'd burnt down the Garden of Eden and all, he'd best be at least good about it. And then! Eve did birth a child. All the animals gathered around to see what it was, and it was a boy. "What?", shrieked Adam. "What?", screamed Eve. "What?" chimed four hippos in a baritone chorus. "The baby!", cried Adam. "The baby?", asked Eve. "The baby, the baby, the baby", sang the hippos And a penguin interjected, while playing a bass guitar, "the baby has two heads!" "Two heads?", asked Eve. "Well, you're surprised?", asked Adam, "You're the one that screwed the devil." "Watch your mouth, Adam.", hissed Eve., "At least he brought me flowers." And it was tense in the smoky, soot covered garden. So, of course, God appeared, dressed in a trench coat and smoking a fine cigar. "See?", said God, "See? This here is whatcha call a 'co-joined' twin. It's one of my new things. Whaddya think?" It was God so of course Adam and Eve could only respond gratefully. "I like it, well, him, well, them. I like them", said Eve., "Yeah, yeah, me too.", said Adam. And so they named their new two headed beast son, Wayne and Able and they parented them like any other child. Of course, after the separation, Adam only had them on weekends. Wayne and Able got along famously. The penguin would often say, "Boy, you guys are so close it's like you're attached at the hip" and Adam would respond, "Penguin, I'm gonna make sardines out of you" and everyone would laugh. . Except for a few toilet training incidents, they were the best of brothers. Wayne was always a bit more stubborn so the two had to deal with some soiled diapers more often than they wanted. Both breastfed until they were 12 which caused Eve some concern but that too did pass. Eventually, they spent their time playing rock, stick, slate and cards and neither one minded that if each peeked at each other's hand. The co-joined twins enjoyed Tag and Hide and Go Seek like any other brothers and eventually taught themselves a primitive version of Tennis. But, as they got older, things became a little rockier. Wayne became a vegetarian and would resent every time Able helped himself to Eve's fried chicken. Able, on the other hand, liked his beer which drove Wayne crazy because he'd get up with the hangover and have to clean the puke off their shirt.

Thus one day did God come by and did talk to Adam. "Adam, I have a plan for the people." Adam thus realized that all these people had been around and he hadn't even noticed where they came from. But there was Zack and Tiffany and Megan and all sorts of people just millin' around toiling. And he had learned not to bother asking. "OK, God." "Yeah, tonight I'll appear to you in a dream and let you know." "Why not just tell me now?" But God was gone. After he said, "Adam...puhleeeze" But Adam did awake thus and thus did Adam call all the people together and separate the men from the women. And thus, thus, did Adam line up the men and had them pull out their man sheaths and thus that Adam said it was God who appeared in a dream took a rock and beat each man's man sheath until their man sheath fell off and each man winced in return. And thus did Eve roll her eyes the way that Adam did not like and used that tone that Adam did not like and thus did Eve say, "Adam, what are you doing?" "Um, Eve, it's a God thing so just leave me alone, ok?" And thus Eve strode off flipping her hair. And there, after the last man sheath was neatly stacked into a categorized pile, God appeared quietly behind Adam and tapped him on the shoulder. "That's an odd thing you've done Adam" Adam did nothing. But look. At. God. " Anyhow sorry I couldn't appear in your dream last night. Got busy. " And then God winked as is if "Got busy" meant something special. And Adam was stupefied. And thus he spaked, "But, you did appear in my dream. Told me to lop off man sheaths" "Oh, Adam, you have the craziest dreams!", guffawed God, " Anyhow, nope, that one was all you, there, Sharpshooter", Adam looked at the scores of unsheathed men around him. "Sounds like you've got some apologizing to do", said God, "anyways, gotta run, meetin Mohammed for some Chess." And, lo, seven plus seven plus seven years after Eve did birth the conjoined twins known as Wayne and Able, the boys did have a severe falling out, over something really rather silly. They had reached an understanding on the dietary differences when God didst invent Textured Vegetable Protein™. One day when God was wandering in the soya bean plantation where the goats didst also wander, he discovered a pile of droppings which looked exactly like cooked hamburger meat. God knew (because God knows everything) that it was not cooked hamburger meat, but he knew the humans would be fooled and would not know they were consuming goat droppings. Able was the only one he let in on the secret. One night, seven days after he had discovered the TVP™, he appeared to Able when Wayne was having a nap, and didst sayeth unto Able, 'My Child, I knowest that you are a vegetarian, and this causes you great difficulties, especially during social occasions, when the host always forgets and you end up having to eat cheese sandwiches or a jacket potato or macaroni cheese or just a handful of peanuts, but lo, I have invented this great new product which will solve your problem.'

'Lord,' Able said, 'I am thankful, but... it's not tofu, is it?' 'No, child,' spaketh God. 'That will come later. For the past seven days, I have been toiling in my food laboratories and have shaped this product into burgers, and lasagna and curry and even sausages. Come with me and don't wake your brother.' This was difficult, but luckily, Able had this night consumed enough beer to disable a herd of rhinoceroses. He had developed a great tolerance to booze, while Wayne could not hold his drink at all, and just went to sleep halfway through his twin's binges. Able followed God to a clearing, where there stood a gigantic refrigerator. 'Openeth the door,' God didst command Able, and Able did so, careful not to disturb the sleeping, snoring head lolling on his shoulder. As Able opened the door of the first ever example of white goods, God commandeth 'Let there be light,' and Able was well impressed to see that the inside was illuminated, showing off a display of boxes and packets. He knew not that the fridge had a tiny light bulb in the top and this would come on anyway, every time the door was opened. But, this in itself was one of God's great mysteries as he hadn't yet invented electricity or even Thomas Edison. Able gasped. 'God, what is this?' 'Non-meat product. There is enough here to feed you, your brother, and your parents and all those other people, for forty days and forty nights, after which, you will need to restock.' God boomed, causing Able to shush him lest he wake Wayne. God looked a little sheepish at this. 'Sorry,' he whispered, 'Just taking pride in my work, y'know?' Able picked up a box and immediately dropped it, as it was fearful cold, and he was unused to this, these lands being mainly hot places. He picked it up and nibbled on one corner. 'Ah,' said Able, chewing, and grimacing, 'Refreshing, but a trifle bland, if you don't mind me saying, God--' 'No, you clot,' God said. 'The food is inside.' Able opened the box and pulled out something resembling a chicken nugget, ice-crystals glittering on the breadcrumbs. He was raising it to his mouth when God put his hand out and stopped him. 'Wait. It is not cooked and will taste minging,' spake God. He pointed at it and a tiny bolt of fire shot from his finger, and thus did zappeth the chicken-alike nugget. 'Eat,' spake God, and Able popped the morsel into his mouth. 'Mmmmm!' Able said. 'I am not able to tell you how yummy that is!' 'Ah, but you are Able.' said God, laughing at his own joke. Able politely joined in. 'In time I will give your progeny microwave ovens, but in the meantime you will have to make do with fire. I can't be doing with coming down and zapping every mouthful you people want to eat.' 'Thanks a bunch, God,' Able said, pulling out a few more boxes. 'Can't wait to tell the folks.' 'There is one condition, Able,' God spake. 'You must never tell your brother that this food is not real meat. For if you do, his ire will be dreadful to behold.' 'Gotcha, Big Guy,' Able said, rather impertinently. *************** And it did come to pass, seven hours later, that Able didst gather his family around him (including Wayne, who was now awake, with a massive hangover), and did shew them all the massive fridge and the wonders of its contents, plus the cookbook which God had thrown in as a free gift, written by the first ever three-Michelin starred chef. And his family rejoiced for forty days and forty nights until the food ran out.

And lo, the first time the fridge was restocked, Wayne and Able sat in front of it, looking in wonder at the stack of new boxes. Able was chugging on a jug of cider, and did not see the serpent approach. 'Goatssssss droppingssss,' hissed the serpent to Wayne. 'Excuse me?' Wayne replied, looking at the snake. 'You've been eating goat poo,' he hissed, 'And you didn't even know.' Wayne stared at the vile creature, and strained to hear his next remark. 'But your pressssssious brother did...' and the serpent slithered away, as he always did, having dropped his bombshell. Wayne did not stop to think. He grabbed a leg of frozen TVP™ lamb from the fridge, and swung it as hard as he could. Over his shoulder, this was difficult one-handed (as Able was using the other to hold the cider jug). But, fuelled by anger, notwithstanding the monodextrousness, his swing was sufficient to knock Able's drunken head clear off his shoulder. Wayne looked at his brother's head lying in the dust, a little cider dribbling from the corner of his mouth, and a rather peed-off expression on his face, and squatted in the dust, weeping great tears which plopped into Able's open eyes. He had become, at one and the same time, the first murderer, and the first disabled person. He picked up the disembodied head and cradled it in his lap. He was aware of a presence behind him, and turned, stuffing the head under his garment. 'Oh, hello God,' he said, 'How can I help?' 'Wayne?' said God, looking at the empty space on Wayne's shoulder, 'Where is your brother Able?'' God already knew the answer to the question, because, as I said before, God knows everything, and besides, he could see Able's nose poking through the fig leaves. But he didst want to put Wayne to the test, because it's the sort of thing God does. He wanted to see if Wayne would own up. No chance. 'I dunno,' he said. 'Am I my brother's keeper?' 'Well, it seems you are, Wayne. It seems you're keeping him under your garment.' Wayne pulled the head out and looked at it, feigning surprise. 'How did he get there? Must've fallen off.' he said. But God was not fooled. 'My Son,' God said, in a terrible voice. 'I accuse you of the crime of Congeminicide.' It was a word which God made up on the spot because he's pretty good with words, and it means murder of one's conjoined twin. God did not expect that it would be used very often, but he was pleased with it all the same. And who knows, it might come in handy one day.. Wayne hung his head in shame. 'For your punishment, I am sending you to the Land of Nod,' spake God. 'What? Is that all? I was expecting fire, or brimstone, or maybe being turned into a pillar of salt or something,' Wayne said, looking bewildered and absently poking his fingers in and out of Able's nostrils. 'Not just being sent to bed early, I mean--' 'NO!' God thundered, as only God can, 'Not that land of nod... The other one, beyond the East of Eden.' God made a mental note that this would make a great book title some day, but perhaps not such a great film adaptation. And so it came to pass that Wayne was the first person ever to be exiled. But probably not the last.

And lo, with Able dead and Wayne exiled, Eve was jonesing for another baby. Adam felt sure that this was his chance, for he had seen Eve and the serpent arguing recently... something about the serpent always looking at the Tiffanys and Megan’s that were there. But alas! Eve still was not interested in Adam’s milk, even after he brought her flowers and wore his manliest fig leaf. Adam simply could not compare with the nephilim. “Nephilim!” God hath exclaimed. “Aren’t they great? My newest creation.” “What are nephilims?” asked Adam. “Nephilim” God corrected. “Yeah what is that?” “It’s plural” “What?” “Nephilim is plural. One nephil, many nephilim.” God seemed to have trouble holding in his enthusiasm. “Why?” Adam hath asked. “Why not just nephils?” God shrugged. “Anyway what are nephils?” Adam asked patiently. God grinned, and began explaining about angels, and how he had made some of them “fallen angels” and that nephilim were fallen angels who lived on Earth because they saw that the daughters of men were beautiful and wanted them for themselves. Adam was utterly depressed by this news, for he saw that the nephilim were amazingly sexy and now there was truly no hope for him and Eve. And so it came to pass that Eve became pregnant from one of the nephilim, and seven days later gave birth to a son whom she didst call Seth. Adam realized that if Eve could become pregnant from any creature in the garden, then surely it made perfect sense that any creature in the garden could become pregnant from him. Thus one night he did test this theory on one of the sheep. Soon the whole garden knew about Adam and the sheep, but they did not accept this the way they accepted Eve’s promiscuity. It was not fair at all. Eve and Seth were outraged, the sheeps put a restraining order on him, and the rest of the garden just glared at him whenever he walked by. Even the lions wouldn’t speak to him anymore. “God, everyone hates me, what shall I do?” And God did roll his eyes, but said, “Do not worry, my son. I have a plan, for I am thy God, and will give thee aid.” Adam, having no choice but to have faith in God, didst do as God commanded. Adam and God snuck away to God’s creation-lair, where God did command Adam to sit. Whilst Adam sat, God made many great ornaments on his pottery wheel, and eventually stopped and began considering Adam’s dilemma. “I know!” shouted God triumphantly. “I shall make you into a different person! No one will know it is you, and you can begin a new life.” And thus, God began molding Adam’s nose and ears and other body parts until he was unrecognizable. “What about...” Adam looked down. “What about what?” asked God. “You know...” Adam looked down again. “Could we make that... maybe... bigger?”

God laughed a hearty laugh and patted Adam on the back. “Oh my son, hah, you’re a joker. Anyway, you will now be called Enoch.” “God, can’t I choose my own name this time? I still like Will...” but Enoch could see from the look on God’s face that the matter hath already been settled. And thus Enoch returned to the garden, and God did introduce him as Enoch, whilst explaining that Adam hath died from alcohol poisoning, and no one really seemed bothered by this. This made Enoch quite upset, but he was determined to make his new life rich and happy, and forget all about Adam and his inadequacies. Unfortunately, that very night Enoch did try to make love with Eve, but she was not in the mood, and didst cry out to the entire garden that Enoch is a creep!!! Poor Enoch went back to God and begged for another chance. God did roll his eyes once more and did stifle a laugh at him. But after all, this was his greatest creation of all time, so God helped him again. Together God and Enoch left the garden and walked away into the sunset. Seven tea kettles and forty ash trays later, God gave Enoch a new face and called him Noah. God didn't bother to explain Enoch's death to the rest of the garden, so it became generally known that Enoch had simply "walked with God," and that was sufficient since no one cared about him. Noah was doubly determined not to screw up THIS time. This time he would show the garden that he was the manliest man of all men, and that he didn't care if Eve wouldn't sleep with him. For Noah had a plan. The rest of the garden watched in bemused indifference as Noah began to build, what seemed to be, an improbably ginormous ark. No one gave a fuck about the ark. But Noah worked relentlessly, day and night, building an ark big enough to fit seven brontosauruses long ways and stacked on top of each other. He chopped down some of God’s oldest trees, and cut beautifully straight and even planks of wood. He even polished them. The ark had a large fancy kitchen, forty bedrooms, seven full baths, vaulted ceilings, wood burning fireplace, indoor and outdoor swimming pool, and a fully equipped fitness room. Thus Noah was understandably surprised that no one cared. Many nights, after a hard day’s work, Noah wouldst walk among the inhabitants of the garden and nod amicably at them in hopes of inspiring conversation. Many times he would receive a “hi Noah” or a “good evening”-- but never once a “why are you building that ark?” Noah was frustrated to no end. The ark was going unnoticed. Eve now despised pretty much everyone except Seth and the unicorns, because she was just a bitch like that. Seth hadst become a whiney adolescent, and Noah was even getting the impression that God liked Seth better than him. The serpent was cool now that they were both over the Eve thing, but even he didn’t seem curious about Noah’s ark. Still, the day didst come when Noah’s ark was complete, and Noah did rejoice. He was so proud of his creation. True, it was a tad depressing that no one would want to spend time with him, hanging out in his cool ark. But Noah was satisfied to know that at the very least God would come. Noah did boast openly about his ark that day, but still no one seemed interested except the dodos. Noah and his admiring dodos did approach Eve, in one last attempt to woo her.

Eve did not care about the ark or the dodos, and her unicorns did become very irate at their presence. But dodos are not afraid of stupid horses with horns, and thus they began flying overhead and pooping violently on the unicorns. This infuriated the unicorns, who officially declared war on the dodos. Eve wept. God, being omniscient, didst know about these riffraff and did appear at the scene. “That’s enough!” shouted God, but the bickering did continue. Noah was unable to hold back. “God! Did you see my ark! I made it all by myself just for us! You and me!” “Yeah yeah, cool ark, Noah,” said God, who was presently attempting to make a splatter of poop disappear from his forehead. “God, aren’t you proud of me?” pressed Noah. But just then God was knocked over by a rampaging unicorn and did not answer. Noah’s world was coming to an end. Not even God cared about his stupid ark! In his rage, Noah ran back to the ark and tore it apart with his bare fingers. Suddenly everyone in the garden seemed to give a shit. They all gathered around and laughed hysterically as Noah destroyed the entire ark from top to bottom. And lo, as Noah was kneeling and weeping over the remnants of his precious ark, God did appear to him, and in jolly spirits, did declare, “Noah, guess what. I have a new plan for the people.” “What is it?” asked Noah, who despite his anger at God, was grateful that God was at least talking to him again. “I’m sick and tired of those unicorns and dodo birds, so I’m going to get rid of them.” “Good riddance,” Noah sighed. “I’m gonna need you to build me an ark,” said God. “What?!” “No listen, hear me out.” said God. “I’m going to make it rain like you’ve never seen before. It’ll be GREAT! And the whole garden will flood, and everything will be destroyed!” God said gleefully. Thus Noah did stare at God incredulously. “So I’ll need you to build a huge ark. Make it forty cubits long and seven cubits wide, and however many cubits tall that it takes to fit a brontosaurus. And you’ll have to get a male and female of every species of animal, and put them on the ark, so that they won’t die in my flood. EXCEPT the damn unicorns and dodo birds. GOD I hate those things.” And thus, Noah reluctantly built a new ark. He built it according to God’s specifications, but without any of the love he had put into his first ark. This ark he did build out of rocks, plants, leather, animal bones, and sand. It had one huge room and no windows. It was the ugliest creation ever created. Even God agreed that it was uglier than the walrus. But it was an ark, and it would do. Thus did Noah begin gathering two of every species, even the walrus. He wrestled with the primates, outsmarted the elephants and zebras, chased after the rodents, and spent long relaxing hours fishing. The birds he assumed would sit on top of the ark if they knew what was good for them, plus he hadn’t the foggiest idea how to catch one. And f*ck the dinosaurs. Thus the moment arrived when it began raining. All the animals were piled into the ark, and Noah was frantically trying to keep all the fish from jumping out. Eve wanted to stay with the unicorns, but God convinced her that he needed a female, so that Seth could later reproduce.

And it came to pass that the Garden of Eden was flooded. Noah’s ark was afloat for about seven minutes before it did collapse entirely into the Ocean of Eden. Most of the animals drowned, but luckily God didst create an island just in time to save Noah, Eve, Seth, and few other creatures. Noah had screwed up and everyone was pissed off at him again. He watched bitterly as a man drifted by on a fancy yacht, with Megan’s and Tiffanies sunbathing at his side, and waved at Noah jovially. Noah relived the moment. The main sail which he had patched with mud and palm leaves had been struck by a passing sparrow. Then, things had fallen apart in a real hurry. The Ark teetered an inch to the left and then collapsed on itself like a horny narcissist. Boom. Crack. Shudder. He remembered Eve standing beside him as the great barge of floating junk listed. "Eve!" "What, Noah, what?" "Take my hand!" "No!, Feck off" "How will you survive?" "As you can see, I'm perfectly happy grasping this furious pair of porcupines. Thank you". Noah had rolled his eyes and sighed. And then woke up on the island. Approximately 789 species of animals survived on an island fifteen feet in diameter. Noah was grateful to be on top of the 30 foot high heap of animals and stroked his beard, watching dead fish float by in the ocean. He was comforted for in an instant to hear Eve cooing behind him, and turned around to determine that the source of Eve's cooing was a naked Seth, behind her. Noah heard his name. About six species down, thus did Noah hear his name, growled by a Polar Bear with the words "limb", "from" and "limb" Thus did Noah call God and thus did God appear in a yacht with Megan and Tiffany and thus did he clap his hands in a burst of thunder to impress the Ladies and call Adam on board with an "Ahoy, faithful one" Thus was Adam depressed on the long voyage back to the Godcave. God seemed particularly cheerful that day, speaking rapidly about future plans and lofty endeavors while Megan and Tiffany laughed and stroked his beard and snuggled at his side. "Ahoy!", said God. Adam was glum as he took off his Noah beard and changed from his Noah robes into his fig leaf. "Good news, Adam!", bellowed God, chewing on a big wad of tobacco. "Yeah, God," A sigh. "I feel bad about the ark thing. Sometimes I get in these, whaddya call'em? Moods. Jest those damned unicorns were, you know, pissin' me off" Adam stared off into the distance. "I like you, Adam. You're a good kinda guy. Kinda dumb, but a good one." Adam smiled half heartedly.

"So, this is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna recreate the Garden, just jazzier, hipper, make it all up to you." Adam put his head on his lap. "Be right back!" And God turned himself into a set of venetian blinds, pulled himself up and disappeared. Adam wept, dragging his arm along his nose and pulling along long elastic strings of desolate snot. He hung his head in his elbow and sobbed uncontrollably. He banged his hand on his forehead and wailed. And thus did say "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" And then God appeared as a small white cotton sheet tipsy-turvying down until softly landing on the ground beside Adam. "Lookitcher new home, son o' mine! Six Nightclubs, nine Strip joints, four microbreweries, two Spas, one Saloon, five massage parlors and then of course, a church." God projected a great image into the sky. "Great, God" A half smile. "You're gonna be called Lot! And you're gonna make sure that the place doesn't go all hula-wild down there." Adam sighed. "Yeah, Adam, you know I, as a fair and loving God, don't mind the occasional fornications but I don't wanna see butts in the air everywhere I turn. That's fair, isn't it?. By the way, Adam, do you like turnip?"" Adam said absolutely nothing and just played with his fig leaf. God crossed and arms and looked down at the Heaven. "All right, Adam. Papa simply just cannot further bear to see thine like this." Papa?, thought Adam. God went to his junk drawer, cursed himself and proceed to dig frantically between spatulas, paperclips, old coupons and pliers. Finally, he pulled out a small coffee can. He reached inside and pulled out two pink pills. "This is what I take when I'm unhappy. Megs and Tiff love'em! Just lov'em!" Adam hesitated, and looked at what God had presented them. They were small pink tablets with what appeared to be happy faces stamped into them. God rolled one between his fingers and winked. "Would I ever give you something that would hurt you?" Adam sighed and put them under his tongue. And thus did Adam sit for twenty minutes before he shot straight up like a magic bean, beamed at God, "I feel like I'm in Heaven!", , pacing around the floor and rapidly wringing his hands. "I'm not making any obvious jokes", God gazed at Adam paternally. "Oh, yeah, I am in Heaven!" God rolled his eyes. And thus did Adam dance by himself and think that he wasn't such a bad guy after all and talk to God about how he was so grateful and loved being alive and wondered if he was rambling and God put on his best set of wind chimes for Adam and all was good again. "Adam", said God, "Since I completely and utterly trust you, I'm going to give you the secret formula for fabricating these little pink wonders and thou shalt tell no one else." Adam was by this time too crazily ecstatic to even understand the blatant foreshadowing. He was too busy thinking about his roaring man sheath and his true love, Eve. If Eve had any feelings at all for him, these pink pills would bring them out, he thought.

"Yeah, sure, God, you betcha!" "Adam" "Yeah, God," Adam was hugging a cloud. "You are Lot. Make sure the people are grateful and manage to keep it clean down there. I don't want to see more than 40 butts in the air at once. Tops." "God?" "Yes, Adam." "Can I have a hug?" God smiled and gave his oldest, dearest a warm, fuzzy long hug and Adam didn't mind one bit because Lot was high as a giraffe on a skateboard and things were just completely and utterly fine. Oh, yeah, man," As Lot was making his way, jubilantly descending, he magically acquired a porcine belly, enthusiastic afro and long dangling sideburns. Lot was going to town. This is where it gets a little hairy. No one's even sure if God remembers the way this one actually ends. Lo, a narrative. Lot did come down to Somora, after following three stars and did find Eve fornicating under a man named Jezzaby. And Lot did tap Eve on the shoulder and Eve did frantically cover herself and did say "Who the f*ck are you?". And thus did Jezzaby sock Lot in the jaw and call him a lurker. And Lo did Lot explain later to Eve that he had been sent from God to deliver a message and Eve did ask whether she was pregnant and thus did Lot say he would not be surprised but that was not his message. And did Lot then plant the pill called E into Eve's pina colada. And Eve did go apeshit and hug Lot and they spent their days happily high. And then did Lot try to put Eve's hand under his vintage leather robe. And did Eve tell Lot that Lot was not her type and that they should be friends. And Lot did ask Eve why not and Eve did say that Lot reminded her of an old ex. And Lot was dejected but still high. And thus then thou, Lo! did Lot convince Eve to get higher with him and thus they took the last of the pink pills and did get completely and utterly fucking high. And Eve was sad that the pills were gone and told Lot she wanted more and Lot did hesitate until Eve did look at him with a look of sex, and then did Lot give Eve the entire secret to making the pink pills and thus did THEN! did Eve stop talking to Lot. The town was booming! Men roamed the streets with man sheaths in hand like divining rods. Women adorned themselves with a cork and two feathers. Koala couples copulated keenly. Aardvarks for some reason became popular house pets, and Lot made a point to never ask. It was one big viscous fornication bonanza and the streets flowed freely with the spooj of many. Manmilk splattered into the night like liquid firecrackers. Someone invented the term "goosing" Eve managed to become pregnant seven times in one Sunday! She was not thrilled by the third delivery. Anyhow, so here's where the tone changes. Lot, who is Adam, if you're still keeping track was hoppin' around with his own man sheath in hand enthusiastically asking anyone that would listen, "Hey, how about you touch my man sheath?" He would get responses like "No." And the

"No" was promptly followed by a squeal of laughter. A girl wearing a button called him a "tard". And then Lot was sad and went to his house on the edge of town and did lie down on his corn bag bed and stare at the ceiling. Lot could not sleep amidst the bombastic cacophony of unearthly carnal activity parading outside. A very large ape was beating a gong in time to his fornication right outside his window . Lot barely heard the knock on the door. "Who is it?" "It's us, Lot!" Two familiar voices giggling. Lot opened the door a crack to see the smiling faces of Megan and Tiffany. "Hey!, what brings you two here?" "Yeah, Lot, God wanted to bring us here to show us around. He's running a little late" "God's coming here?", squeaked Lot, and he hurriedly shuffled the two inside and slammed the door behind him. Quickly, he shut the window. "What's that gonging sound?" Tiffany went towards the window. "Um...it's Apeboy and the Gongmen. Don't open the window. They're shy, but they're practicing for the choir. When's God coming?" "He should be here in seven minutes. Why are you holding your man sheath like that?" Megan looked down inquisitively. "Sunburn!" Lot made a pained expression. And then a furious pounding on the door shook the foundation of Lot's house. A rising chorus of haunting voices groaned the word "Broads. Broads", low pitched, long and guttural. Demanding. Lot peeked outside through the keyhole and having a relatively wide sense of peripheral vision - look, are you expecting this to make sense now? - saw a phantom sea of shuffling manwhores. Each had an empty gaze, staring coldly ahead. They ambled and lurched towards Lot's house, man sheaths in hand. Some in each others hands. All hands were mansheathed. "Oh, shit", said Lot, "they can smell God's girlfriends." And that's when the first man sheath splintered its way through the door. Outside Lot's door the wailing rose to a steady howl as scores of jacked up men shuffled their way, surrounding the house. Men licked their lips and tore at each other, trying to beat down the door with engorged appetites. Inside, Megan shrieked as another man sheath poked it's way through the door and Tiffany backed into a corner covering her mouth with her hands, "What's going on, Lot?" Lot could only tell the truth. He was in over his head. "They want to sex you!" Tiffany's eyes were like vanilla cupcakes. "All of them?" "Yes!," Lot was beating at man sheaths with a broom, "All of them" Tiffany looked at Megan and giggled.” What do ya think, Megs?" "Well, not all of them, that'd be a little much" "Well, what about that one?.” Tiffany was pointing at a particularly ornery sheath. "Oh, yeah, definitely that one" Lot swatted at that sheath harder than the rest and turning his head back in horror, declared, "What about God?"

Megan put her hands on her hips. "Well, for one, Lot, he's a forgiving God, OK? And secondly, he's way old" Lot had to think fast. This was all his doing. Standing towards the door he cupped his hands and yelled at the throng outside, "Wait! I have two virgin daughters you can have instead!" "What?", snapped Megan. "Really", Tiffany looked at Lot in disgust. "It's not true. I'm just making that up". Adam was hissing. "Still," Tiffany was tapping her foot. "I know!", said Megan, "that was a suitably weird thing to say" Lot stammered and leaned on the broom. Megan waved her hand in Lot's face, "Why not just tell them that God's coming and we're his girlfriends, jackass? Lot had no chance to respond. Dirt came spraying from the floor in a fountain of flying dust. God came bursting through the floor feet first, like he was peddling a bicycle. "Holy jumpin', ooooooooh, Adam, I'm a so mad, I think I'm just gonna, gonna, well, I think I might just spit!" Lot quaked. "Don't you bother quaking! Do you know how many butts out there are fornicating? Well, I'll give you a clue! Thirty two thousand four hundred and thirty five! Seven days ago the population here was sixty. Do you have any idea how this makes me feel?" Lot wasn't sure if the question was rhetorical. "Babypie," said Tiffany, rubbing God's back. "Honeymuffin", cooed Megan, "Don't be all like that." "Adam, have you ever heard of a Disco Inferno?" Tiffany whispered in Megan’s ear, "I thought his name was Lot!" "I know, this is getting too weird. Let's get out of here!" "Fine!", God's voice was a torrential downpour, "But heed this, Papa says don't look back!" And God did then make a parting through the sex zombies outside and thus did Megan and Tiffany run as fast as Megan and Tiffany could in heels while holding hands. And thus did God start to become enraged and blow shit up whilst did Lot cower in the corner. And shouldst then Eve be saved and Seth and the big ape with the gong who God found comical. And lo! Megan, did, of course as anyone who's been told not to look back, look back, and did catch God's eye, who turned Megan into a pillar of salt. And thus did Lot inquire, "What?" And God did say, "It's an inside joke, Lot" and thus did God whisper, "wouldn't swallow" And Adam made his way back to the Godcave while the whole place burned and everyone died and Adam was like, whatever, and did ask God, "Where did you think of the names Sodom and Gomora?" And thus did God say, "Adam, now's not a good time to talk to me" And thus did Adam think, "Sounds more like God dammed Somora" but he did not giggle. And God hath thus rebuilt Sodom and Gomorra, or Somora, or whatever, into a new land entitled Babble, or Babylon, depending on how many syllables you wanted to say. And God did convince Adam to live up in the Godcave with him for a while. He said it was because Adam

needed some time away from everything. But really it was because God wanted to see what would happen to the world if Adam weren’t there to screw everything up. And Eve and Seth hath produced a son, Abraham. And Abraham didst grow up to be quite a looker, and didst give children to Megan, and to Tiffany, and of course to Eve. Abraham hath produced so many children, that he did become well known as Father Abraham. This obviously pissed off God, who did refer to himself usually as Father. But God was happy to give Abraham as many children as the women didst desire to give him, because God did find it extremely funny to watch Adam’s reaction to all this. “God, can I go back now?” Adam would plead. “I’m ready to try again. I think Tiffany is loosening up now. I think I really might have a chance this time.” But God wouldst chortle and say that no, now was not the time for Tiffany. Perhaps in sevenish years. And thus did then God and Adam continue to live in the Godcave and not interfere with the world below. God hath recreated all the animals except the unicorns, dodo birds, dinosaurs, monsters, and other hideous mistakes like these. Humans were now the most numerous animals, because of Father Abraham and his manly manhood. Father Abraham’s children did not live together in peace; in fact there were so many of them that they hadst been forced to establish a government among themselves. Basically the gist of the governmental structure was that Abraham was the supreme ruler, and that was that. And it came to pass that the humans in Babble started to worship Abraham, and pray to him for blessings like good health, good crops, sons instead of daughters, and a turn with Eve. “I can’t force Eve to like you, Jim,” Abraham wouldst say. “Yes you can, Father. I have faith in you. You can do anything!” said Jim. “Alright, alright, I’ll talk to her.” And thus did Jim and all the others continued to ask Abraham for things, because he usually did his best to arrange them. The Babblonians had sorted themselves into different groups based on arbitrary things like the darkness of their skin, the types of animals that they refused to eat, and what method they thought Abraham would use to destroy anyone who crossed him. So far, no one had ever dared to cross Abraham. Lo, it appeared that the people hadst pretty much forgotten about God. --Meanwhile, Adam spent long hours watching God make birds out of clay and then throw them down at people. “God?” God was using a pencil to carve intricate feathers on a particularly large bird. “Yes Adam?” “Which of them are right?” God continued to stare at his clay creation. Suddenly he held up the bird in front of his face and looked at Adam. The bird spoke with God’s voice. “What do you mean, Adam?” “I mean... who’s right about Abraham? The drownians? The bombicans? The slow-and-painfuldeathers? The people who believe that Abraham is all loving and will forgive them?” The bird chuckled, and Adam could see God’s stomach jiggling behind it. “Oh Adam,” spake the bird. “None of them are right, and yet they are all right.” “What do you mean by that?” “What do I mean by which statement?”

“Both of them.” “Well, none of them are right about what Abraham will do to them if they disobey him. But they all agree that they simply won’t disobey him, and so they are all right in believing that whatever it is that would happen, will never happen.” God lowered the bird again and began to paint its feathers red. Adam still wasn’t satisfied. “So what would Abraham do to them if they were to disobey him?” God rolled his eyes and lifted the bird again to speak. “They won’t.” “But what if they did?” “Adam,” said the bird patiently. “It doesn’t matter. It’s only a potential event right now. None of the things that would need to happen in order to trigger that event have happened, or will ever happen, and therefor that event doesn’t exist. Not even to me.” “To the bird?” asked Adam. “No you idiot,” said the bird. “To me. God. I’m just using the bird to talk to you.” “Why?” “I don’t know. I just thought it would be cool.” “So you’re not really all knowing then,” Adam dared to say. “If all you know is what will happen, but you don’t know what might happen, then you’re just an extremely perceptive human. Not an omniscient God.” An awkward silence did pass at that moment, and God did angrily throw the talking bird down at Babble. “Squaaawk!” declared the bird as it hit the ground. “God is angry! He is cold-blooded and evil! He will take revenge on all sects of Babblonians! He is angry at Abraham and will smite him with the wrath of all the power that is within him!!!!!” Adam glanced cautiously at God. But God was still staring down at the Babblonians, who were gathering around, listening to the bird, and staring up at the Godcave with curiosity, fear, and anger. “What do you think they will do?” Adam asked God. “Adam!!! I freakin’ KNOW what they’re going to do! Okay? I’M ALL KNOWING. Jesus!” "God?" "Yes, Adam?" "Why are we in a cave?" "We're not in a cave, Adam" Adam and God were perched on a cloud overlooking the Earth. God was chomping on BBQ flavoured figs and letting his sandaled feet hang over the edge. Adam looked perplexed. "OK." Adam still looked perplexed. "So, what's going to happen now, God?" " The people is one, and they have all one language; and this they begin to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have imagined to do" "Isn't that a good thing, God?" Adam had started to wonder whether it was worth even asking questions. "Adam, let me repeat myself, "the people is one, AND they have all one language; and this they BEGIN to do: and now nothing will be restrained from them, which they have IMAGINED to do" "What's that mean, God?"

"Think about it...AND...BEGIN...IMAGINE..." Adam had lost interest and was watching keenly the going ons below. The earthlings had begun work on a project that was beginning to fascinate him. They had gathered all their gold teeth, bracelets, pendants, bangles, toe rings, ingots and shavings and were melting them down. Then they had gathered together Jacob and Wacob, two of the artier, yet effeminate of Abraham's tribe who had begun to shape the gold into what appeared to be a giant cow. Adam looked at God but unfortunately God had dozed off. Weeks passed and soon people began to present before the cow their entire harvest, their youngest son, their neighbour's son, peas, novelty hams, used books and tiny bits of asparagus. Adam was further surprised to see these same people kneeling before the cow and praying to it! Adam read some of the letters. Each started with the same salutation...Dear Cow, Please help me lose 40lbs without dieting or exercise Please deliver me an herbal risk free supplement to enlarge my man sheath Please send me a subscription to Eve Magazine Please let me collect an inheritance from a long lost relative in Nigeria. Please let me find horny singles in my local area aged 25-34. "God!", Adam prodded the sleeping deity, whose loud snoring was causing a significant thunderstorm. "Yes?' God opened one eye. "They're worshipping a cow!" "Yes, they are." "But, it's a cow!" "Yes" "God, they picked the stupidest, slowest, weakest lamest animal to worship. What about a lion? Even an ox?" "Well, it is a nice sculpture. Looks a lot like a cow.", God then faded back into a drool filled slumber. Then, Lo, did Adam thus hear a voice from below where somehow the letters had mysteriously vanished. "Thank you for all of your lovely letters and trinkets and whatnots. I will do my best to respond to all of them. I am Cowgod." Adam was suspicious and after the people had scampered merrily back to their huts and caves and tree houses, Adam noticed Abraham climb from beneath a bush that was beside the big, shiny cow and tiptoe back to Abraham's palace. This happened for forty more days, and then Adam was sure something must be up. Adam awoke God again. "God, I may be wrong but I think that Abraham is pretending to be you, but instead he's pretending to be that giant, golden statue of a cow" "Of course he is" "Isn't this supposed to be when you get wrathful?" "Wrathful? I'm going to let him live 900 years if this keeps up. These people treat me like their own personal wet nurse with their marital problems and penis envy. Hey, if Abraham can make a buck so I don't have to deal with it, then Lo and Be-hold, buddy" Thus though dost and did Abraham become greedy as would any man who was successfully impersonating a massive idol of a heifer and did then only have Cowgod hours of 3pm until 5pm

and dost did stop accepting cheques and did only want virgins allotted him. Thus did Eve pretend and Abraham did not be fooled. And, speaking of Eve, remember Jim? Yeah, Jim, he was the guy that asked Abraham to see if Eve would mount his man sheath. Well, Jim had been praying to the CowGod like madness. Dear Cowgod, how about a crack at Eve? How about any old MILF? Can I borrow a quarter? Thus did Jim become fed up and with some good old Jim comeuppance did call the tribe together and did lift Zechariah’s loincloth and did say, "Your man sheath is still the tiniest in the village" and Zechariah did look down at the ground, embarrassed yet Jim would and did continue gathering the village together proving that their prayers were surprisingly not being answered by this remarkable replica of a dim witted mammal. The villagers were slow to respond but Jim had eventually turned them into a frenzy and with a mad dash all of them in unison cried "Let us tip this gold cow". And thus did they push the giant cow on its side so that it may not stand up again. Thus did the people kneel before Jim and ask Jim how to make money at home and for shinier teeth. Jim pointed to the sky in a most dramatic fashion, making sure the wind caught his hair for the greatest effect. And Jim did say, "I'm not God, you fools! God's up there!" "Let's get him!” cried the crowd. They had formed what Adam would later refer to as "a hysterical cult of madness"

The tower of Babble:Part 3 Where was I? The whole problem with reciting centuries of spiritual verse as far as this reporter can tell is that sometimes centuries can pass and then well, let's just forgive a guy for forgetting where he left off. Here we are. Leviticus says that, to cleanse leprosy, one must: Take some cedar wood, hysop, scarlet and two birds. Kill one bird and dump his blood into a bucket. Dump the lving bird (he won't mind) into the bucket of dead bird blood. Roast the first bird with a nice stuffing of cedar wood, scarlet and hysop and give that to the leper, being mindful not to rip off the drumstick as not to offend the leper. Try not to get leprosy. Take the blood soaked bird and let him go. (The blood soaked bird might be testy at this point) And for some reason, this stuck in my mind. "And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat." We'll just skip Leviticus. Anyhow, so, Jim and a throng of people were looking for a way to get to the Godcave and were pointing to the sky discussing the best way to get there.

So anyway we'll just skip a few chapters because it took a LONG time for them to figure this out, as I'm sure you can imagine. Getting to the Godcave was not an easy feat. They tried jumping, riding on kangaroos, standing on kangaroos and jumping, using ladders, jumping from the top of ladders, ladders on top of kangaroos, jumping from ladders on top of kangaroos... The

list goes on and on. They really tried everything. Then lo, on one morn a dusty, dirty little poor boy in filthy clothes did approach Abraham and didst try to sell him a noospaper, insisting to Abraham that he had an idea that was truly noosworthy. And lo it was this filthy little boy who didst first propose that they build a tower. But Abraham did tell the youngster that he did not care about the noos and that he had better things to do than to buy things from little stinking poor boys. But eventually Abraham did announce to the people that he had an idea. And then, lo, then what they finally did was they built this tower. The tower was made out of animal bones, whole trees, rocks, paper, scissors, and old washing machines. The first floor was a 90-acre hip-hop dance club, with black walls and flashing lights and mirrors going on all day every day. People were dancing and drinking and seductively removing their loincloths for each other all over the place. It was Sodomygomora all over again. The first floor of the tower took seven years to complete, and the second floor was so difficult it took three generations. But they built it, alas, and it was good.... a swimming pool. A gigantic man-made ocean, for the workers to relax in while they labored on and on in pursuit of something they had no chance of achieving in their lifetimes. Their children were all dumb, and would ask stupid questions like “Why are we doing this? Where are we going? and What is God?” But the answers were so obvious that it really was pointless for their parents to try to answer them. “Why don’t they just come up the stairs?” Adam asked God. “Hm?” God was hard at work on a jigsaw puzzle. “The people.” Adam pointed down. “Hm?” “You know, the people down there,” Adam said. “They’re trying to come up here. You must have noticed by now, it’s been like hundreds of years, God.” God stuck a piece down into the puzzle and pounded it in with his thumb, just for good measure. Then he looked up at Adam. “I noticed. So what?” “So...” said Adam, unsure whether or not God was joking with him. “Why don’t they use the stairs?“ “Adam, Adam,” said God as if he were talking to a retarded leper kid. “You just don’t get it, do you?” “Get what? It’s so easy, they could be up here in 5 minutes if they’d just--” “Adam,” God interrupted. “Come with me. It’s time I show you something.”

A little exasperated but very curious, Adam followed God. They walked to the very back of the Godranch and descended the stairs. “We’re going back to Earth!?!?” Adam asked excitedly, for he had been longing to return to Earth for many years now. “Am I going to start a new life again? I’ll miss you, God, but I do so want to start again and try to make Eve like me. You know I’ve still never had--” “Adam, you’re not going to stay, I just want to show you something. Okay?” God rolled his eyes. And thus did God and Adam appear on Earth for the first time in 700 years. “GOD!” shouted Eve when she saw him, and she fainted. A swarm of mansheaths ran towards her and then it was a mad flurry to be the one to pick her up and take her away, to wherever they were taking her. Adam was tempted to follow them, but God did nudge him hard in the ribs when he tried. Adam followed God like a puppy following its mother when there’s a big juicy steak somewhere behind him that he really wants. In this manner they did walk together through the strobe lights and laser shows of the Tower of Babble’s ground floor. Lo, thus, therefore, and wherefore, did they run into Abraham who did shout, “Lord, I beseech thee! Why comst thou to the land of old from whencesoever thou hast been?” “Just wanted to show Adam a little somthin’ somthin’” said God. “Don’t mind me.” Abraham shrugged. “When you get done, stop by the Holy Babble, I’ll buy you a round.” “You’re on!” yelled God over his shoulder. And they walked on. Poor Adam was so confused. “Wait...” God stopped moving. “No I mean, figuratively, wait. Wasn’t Abraham the main one who wanted to get to you? Or was it that Jim guy? Was that even his name? I don’t remember. What’s going on, God? I’m so confused! I thought they were trying to get up here because they wanted to... I don’t know, kill you, or worship you, or something! Just show me whatever you came here to show me and let’s go home! This makes my widdle head hurt!” Adam stopped shouting and glared at God. “You see, Adam, this is what I wanted to show you. They don’t give a crap about me anymore. They don’t know why they’re building this tower, they’re just doing it because it seems right.

Now stop bugging me with stupid questions like “Why don’t they use the stairs.” CAH! Man, you’re dumb. God chuckled and steered Adam toward the Holy Babble.