Reconsidering Solitary Sex From A Jewish Perspective

12 Reconsidering Solitary Sex from a Jewish Perspective Rebecca T. Alpert

W E L E A R N A lot about something by examining the words we use to describe it, where they come from, how they sound, what they evoke. Things related to sex usually have many descriptive terms, and the act of stimulating our own genitals for sexual satisfaction is no exception. I use the term “solitary sex,” but there’s also the slightly more sexy technical term “autoeroticism” and the many slang terms that may also come to mind (I’ll spare you the list, but you can look it up). The most common English word to describe these acts is, perhaps, “masturbation,” from the Latin, and the least common is “onanism,” but both terms came into use around the same time, at the end of the seventeenth century.1 The term “onanism” connects solitary sex to Jewish tradition in a circuitous way. It refers to the story, in Genesis 38, of Onan, a grandson of the patriarch Jacob, the second son of Judah. Onan’s older brother, Er, was married to Tamar. Er was in some unexplained way “displeasing to Adonai, and Adonai took his life” (38:7). According to the custom known as levirate marriage, Onan was obligated to have sexual relations with Tamar in order to provide a son for his brother’s line and, according to the text, was directed to do so by his father, Judah. But Onan did not want to provide his dead brother with offspring, and so, we are told, he “let his seed go to waste” when he had relations with Tamar. This, too, displeased Adonai, and so Adonai took his life as well (38:9 – 10). What was Onan’s crime? The most obvious conclusion is that it was his refusal to comply with the task his father set for him, which was to impregnate Tamar. So although the term “onanism” should refer to a refusal to follow orders or to take a stance against the custom of levirate marriage, it refers instead to the method Onan used to accomplish this act, namely, “letting his seed go to waste.” Commentators disagree, however, about 182

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what “wasting seed” means. Some argue that it refers to coitus interruptus (withdrawal of the penis from the vagina before ejaculation). The text tells us that Onan had sexual relations with Tamar, so that would seem to be a logical conclusion. But those who coined the term may also have believed that, by masturbating, a man weakens his ability to impregnate a woman, and so they assumed Onan masturbated in order to avoid his obligation.2 Hence “onanism” is defined in the dictionary as both withdrawal before ejaculation and solitary sex, and even, in some cases, all sex that does not involve vaginal penetration. Thinking about onanism in reference to solitary sex has strong precedent in the Babylonian Talmud, where Onan’s crime is used as a proof text to support an antipathy toward male self-arousal. The deed is emphatically condemned in the Mishnah: “Every hand that frequently checks: in women, it is praiseworthy but in men you should cut it off ” (Nidah 2:1). The text does not support female masturbation; in fact, the Gemara here assumes that women can check because they will not experience a sensation through self-examination (BT Nidah 13a). This viewpoint, however, is inconsistent with other rabbinic passages. One text in BT Avodah Zarah 44a3 indicates an awareness that women used phalluses to masturbate, and comments about lesbian behavior indicate that the Rabbis were aware that women rubbed against one another (presumably also by themselves) to achieve orgasm (BT Yebamot 76a).4 But this text is concerned primarily with men, not women. Although it reinforces women’s obligation to check their genitals for any flow that might indicate the start of their menses — defining their entrance into their monthly state of nidah, or seclusion — its main focus is to remind men, in no uncertain terms, of their obligation to refrain from touching their penises because, as the Gemara explains, it may lead to self-arousal. Whether that arousal is intentional or unintentional doesn’t matter; the Gemara’s only concern is with the resulting semenal emission. But although the Rabbis warn against all possible emission of semen, they take particular notice of self-arousal with intent to achieve pleasure. The Gemara that focuses on intentional self-arousal (BT Nidah 13b) makes it clear that this is unacceptable because it will result in terrible and dangerous consequences, including having one’s hand cut off. According to Rav, “anyone who willingly causes himself to have an erection will be banned by the community.” Rabbi Ami calls such a person a “renegade” (avaryen) and blames the yetzer ha ra (the evil inclination) for inducing a temptation that the masturbator cannot resist. Rabbi Ami assumes that

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self-arousal will ultimately lead a man down a slippery slope that ends in idol worship. The connection to Onan is attributed to Rabbi Yosi, who suggests that “anyone who incites himself lustfully is not brought into the precinct of the Holy One, blessed be He” (in other words, one who arouses himself will not be welcome in the World to Come) because he, like Onan, “did what was displeasing to the Lord.” Death, Onan’s fate, would also be the fate of the lustful inciter. Finally, Rabbi Eliezer is credited with accusing masturbators of “committing adultery with their hand,” citing Isaiah 1:15 (“Your hands are full of blood”) in support. The discussion in the Gemara concludes by considering whether the mishnaic punishment, to cut off a man’s hand, is a law or merely a curse. According to Rabbi Tarfon, it is better to be without a hand than to end up “descending into the pit of destruction.” Although it is unlikely that masturbation was a crime that was actually punished, and the Gemara is inconclusive as to whether cutting off the hand is a law or simply a curse that serves as an admonition, the text gives us a sense of how strongly the Rabbis felt about the evils of male self-arousal and the lengths to which they would go to warn against it. So, according to Jewish tradition, solitary sex is unthinkable for men and rarely considered for women. Men who masturbate are doing wrong because they should work to control their impulses. A man’s yetzer ha ra needs to be managed through appropriate sexual engagements with his wife. It is important to remember that, unlike Onan’s obligation simply to produce an heir for his dead brother, those sexual encounters were supposed to result both in procreation and sexual pleasure for both partners, as concretized in the law that a man is required to satisfy his wife sexually, known as onah. As long as sex was channeled properly, it was not viewed negatively. Just about any sexual position was considered acceptable in marriage, as was contraception in certain circumstances. But orgasm, even if viewed positively, was to be experienced only within the context of appropriate relationships, and certainly not by individuals in solitary exercises that encouraged sexual fantasy or had the potential to turn them away from their social obligations. To understand the rabbinic view of solitary sex with the goal of moving Jewish thinking beyond negative pronouncements, it may be instructive to look at the parallel case of homosexuality. The most obvious similarity between these two phenomena is the way the differences between same-sex desire is described in men and women. In the Hebrew Bible there is no same-gender sexuality for women and

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no allusion to female masturbation, whereas lying with a man as with a woman is famously prohibited twice in the Torah. Although later rabbinic texts pay little attention to the possibility that women indulge in solitary sex, they do approach lesbianism negatively. The transgression is still minor, however, compared to male homosexuality, and is not taken seriously. Much speculation surrounds the question of why the Rabbis did not take women’s sexual desires seriously, since women’s reproductive capacities are of great import in ancient Jewish texts. It is surprising in part, given the existence of onah, which demands that men satisfy their wives’ sexual desires. Of course, these laws may have emerged because of the link the Rabbis make between sex and reproduction, and the concern may not be at all about a man satisfying his wife’s desire for sex but, instead, her desire to have children. It is also possible that in ancient Judaism sexuality was only “real” if it involved a penis, which is also assumed necessary in the brief mention of female masturbation in Avodah Zarah. But then the prohibition against women rubbing their clitorises against one another for sexual satisfaction, as found in BT Yebamot 76a, would also make no sense. We simply do not know why women’s sexuality wasn’t of concern to the Rabbis. Whether they believed that women really did desire men and motherhood to the exclusion of other possibilities or what women did in private was of no concern or interest to them, it remains our legacy that only what men do matters, for better and worse. We are left, in any case, with a gender divide that does not speak to our present reality. As Jewish lesbians began to become vocal, demanding a presence in the community, the world of traditional Judaism responded by emphasizing the few negative statements in our ancient texts about female same-sex love. However, no such effort has been made either to redeem or condemn solitary sex for women. The reasons given in opposition to solitary sex and same-sex love are also similar. As we saw in the discussion of BT Nidah 13a – b, the Rabbis were concerned that male self-arousal would lead a man down a slippery slope: if a man can’t control his urge to give himself an orgasm, the thinking goes, how can he avoid the greater temptations of idol worship or nonkosher food or the gymnasium? The Rabbis also may have held to the notion that frequent masturbation would weaken the man’s capacity (or interest) in satisfying his wife. The same argument is made on the subject of homosexuality. In explaining why male homosexual sex is considered toevah (generally translated as “an abomination”), the Rabbis pun on the term and suggest that in fact it means to say toeh ata ba, “you will go astray

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because of it.” Again, the temptation to be involved in homosexual or solitary sexual experiences are not necessarily bad in themselves, but they are understood as leading a person in evil or destructive directions and away from the goals of a well-lived life. The last similarity between solitary sex and homosexuality brings us back to the term “onanism” and the related derivation of the term “sodomy.” Both are based on stories in the Book of Genesis, and on surprising interpretations of the relevant texts. Although the Rabbis adopted the story of Onan as their proof text for solitary sex, they did not for the most part attribute homosexual behavior to Sodom; many Christian commentators did, however, and hence the prevalence of the term in European thought prior to the modern era. It is important for us to remember that, just as Western culture has been influenced by stories from the Hebrew Bible, Jewish teachings have also been deeply influenced by ideas of the host societies in which Jews have lived — Muslim, Christian, and secular. Not only do negative views defined by the terms “sodomy” and “onanism” have roots in Jewish tradition, but Jewish views on masturbation and homosexuality in modern times have also been influenced by the negative Western attitudes (both religious and medical) toward these acts. Throughout the modern era, sodomy and onanism were given broad public discussion and approbation in European thought. The historian Thomas Laqueur has argued that the term “onanism” was coined in 1712 in response to a growing social acceptance of sexual pleasure in marriage, as well as concomitant concerns that masturbation might appear to be acceptable and, because of its private nature, uncontrollable. It is in that era when the idea that masturbation caused warts, syphilis, and blindness (to name only a few imagined consequences) began. Sigmund Freud shifted the nature of the concerns about solitary sex from the physical to the psychological, but he also argued that, like homosexuality, masturbation was an immature sexual response that was harmful if not outgrown. In our own world today, we have witnessed a significant change in attitude regarding same-sex desires as the movement for LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) rights has had a powerful impact on public behaviors and policies. The women’s movement has made it clear that both women and men have same- and solitary-sexual desire and participate in same and solitary sexual behaviors. The sexual revolution has also helped rehabilitate solitary sex. Those who write about the topic today note a shift from earlier eras. Beginning in the 1980s, they argue, masturbation

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came to be seen as a valid way for people to express themselves sexually, and a healthy habit.5 But even with these changes, sexual self-arousal is still considered by many to be immature, harmful, even dangerous. Mentioning masturbation in public certainly was dangerous for Joycelyn Elders, the Surgeon General who was dismissed from her post in 1994 for recommending that schools teach about solitary sex as a positive outlet and a means of preventing sexually transmitted diseases. When I taught an undergraduate course on religion and sexuality, I gave students the assignment to write a paper about any issue of sexuality from the perspective of three of the world’s religions. The students who wished to write about masturbation (and there were several) were unable to do the assignment because they couldn’t find sufficient information to write viable papers, beyond the book by Thomas Laqueur from which I draw the title for this article.6 It’s time to reconsider the value of this widely practiced activity that “dare not speak its name.” To rehabilitate solitary sex from a Jewish perspective, it makes sense to return to the perspective of the Rabbis. They presented strong arguments to suggest that solitary sex should not be judged as an end in itself but because it is a means to a (harmful) end and leads its practitioners to danger. Given contemporary perspectives, however, rather than seeing masturbation as a means to harmful ends, we can find in this activity a way to achieve valuable goals. Self-care is an important Jewish value. Maimonides was a strong proponent of “maintaining physical health and vigor so that the soul may be upright and in a condition to know God” (Mishneh Torah Hilchot Deot 4:14). Though once considered an unhealthy practice, studies today show that masturbation has advantages for sexual well-being.7 As boys and girls learn to give themselves orgasms, they learn an important technique to relieve stress. They also develop the capacity to engage in fantasy and learn what arouses them sexually.8 At the same time, encouraging young people to engage in solitary sex may help them avoid the real physical dangers of other forms of sexual experimentation that can lead to harmful ends like unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. But it is also important to remember that solitary sex can have value for adults, both in and out of relationships. For the adult in a long-term committed relationship, solitary sex may also provide opportunities for relaxation, experiencing sexual variety without going outside the relationship, developing a capacity for fantasy, and understanding what he or she desires. For the adult

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who is not in a relationship, masturbating has the advantages described above and can also be an empowering way to satisfy sexual needs. This is particularly the case for older people, who should be encouraged to masturbate to keep their sex drive alive, as achieving orgasm has been shown to have long-term health advantages;9 further, sexual response needs regular stimulation to stay in shape in the same way that our other muscles and nerve endings do. Preparation for sexual activity with others is another goal of solitary sex. Solitary sex has the potential to lead to more comfort with one’s own sexuality, and that extends to making sexual connections beyond oneself. The command to “love your neighbor as yourself ” (Lev. 19) can be understood as an injunction to love yourself so that you can learn how better to love others. In this paradigm, solitary sex provides an avenue of discovery for enhancing and improving sexual intimacy for partners. If you understand your own sexual desires and how to achieve orgasm effectively for yourself, it is not unlikely that in the process you will also discover how to please your partner and how to teach your partner to please you. Solitary sex is limited because it does not create actual opportunities for intimacy or the possibility of pregnancy. However, it can lead one in the direction of understanding how achieving mutual sexual pleasure enhances the prospects of achieving these other goals as well, on the principle that self-love leads to love of others. Privacy is also an important Jewish value and can be fostered by solitary sex. We are taught that modesty (tzniut) is fundamental to Jewish ethics. Solitary sex is modest because it happens in solitude, away from public consideration. Jewish teachings encourage us to behave modestly, to hold private that which we value as sacred. I am reminded of the scene in the (very Jewish) film Borat where the protagonist becomes enraged when he finds his business partner masturbating while looking at a photograph of Borat’s “sacred” love object, Pamela Anderson. This scene describes the antithesis of the values that properly modest masturbation aims toward. Borat is right to be angry; masturbation and its attendant fantasies are private matters. Jewish values encourage us to keep certain matters out of public discourse and attention. Solitary sex can lead to an understanding that certain things in one’s life should not be shared with others. This is particularly valuable in today’s society, where everything is on display and under surveillance. In this way solitary sex is unlike homosexuality. For gay and lesbian people, making sexual orientation visible is crucial, as it has created opportunities for political and social rights unknown in prior eras.

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What I offer here is a tentative effort to bring attention to a valuable, safe, and potentially enriching activity that is often disparaged and ignored. Rather than remaining tied to an ancient (or contemporary) negative perspective, it is my desire that this new Jewish approach to solitary sex, which is open to its positive consequences, may increase possibilities for sexual health and pleasure.

NOTES

I am grateful to Sarra Lev and Danya Ruttenberg for their helpful editorial comments on this essay. 1. For a full discussion of the history of the definitions used to define the practice, see Martha Cornog, The Big Book of Masturbation: From Angst to Zeal (San Francisco: Down There Press, 2003), 3 – 14; for a list of slang terms in all languages, see 15 – 22. Cornog distinguishes solitary sex from masturbation that is a component of sexual activity involving others, as do I throughout this essay. 2. See Michael Satlow, “ ‘Wasted Seed’: The History of a Rabbinic Idea,” Hebrew Union College Annual 65, no. 1 (1994): 159. 3. R. Jose answered them: “But has it not been stated, And also Maacah the mother of Asa the king, he removed her from being queen, because she had made an abominable image . . . he made dust of it, and burnt it at the brook of Kidron! . . . What means miplezeth [abominable image]? Rab Judah said: [An object which] intensifies licentiousness [maphli’lezanutha] as R. Joseph taught: It was a kind of phallus with which she had sex every day.” 4. Greco-Roman civilization was also aware of similar practices of female masturbation. See Vern L. Bullough, “Masturbation: A Historical Overview,” Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality 14, no. 2/3 (2002): 22 – 23. 5. See Arne Decker and Gunter Schmidt, “Patterns in Masturbatory Behavior: Changes between the Sixties and the Nineties,” Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality 14, no. 2/3 (2002): 35 – 48. 6. Thomas Walter Laqueur, Solitary Sex: A Cultural History of Masturbation (New York: Zone Books, 2003). 7. See Eli Coleman, “Masturbation as a Means of Achieving Sexual Health,” Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality 14, no. 2/3 (2002): 5 – 16. Coleman cites research which indicates that masturbation is an early marker of healthy sexual development. It has also been used as a technique to help those with hypoactive sexual desire disorder. See Brian Zamboni and Isiaah Crawford, “Using Masturbation in Sex Therapy: Relationships between Masturbation, Sexual Desire, and Sexual Fantasy,” Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality 14, no. 2/3 (2002): 123 – 142. 8. Zamboni further argues that sexual fantasies are necessary in many cir-

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cumstances to stimulate desire, which in turn is necessary to achieve arousal in single and dyadic sexual encounters (Zamboni and Crawford, “Using Masturbation in Sex Therapy,” 139). 9. A recent biological study suggests that sexual satisfaction through the production of prolactin is much greater (400%) in intercourse than through masturbation, thus limiting, though not entirely, the value of masturbation for health (Stuart Brody, “The Post-Orgasmic Prolactin Increase Following Intercourse Is Greater Than Following Masturbation and Suggests Greater Satiety,” Biological Psychology 71 [March 3, 2006]: 312 – 315).

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