How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
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HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY 1. AT LUNCH TIME, SIT IN YOUR PARKED CAR WITH SUNGLASSES ON AND POINT A HAIR DRYER AT PASSING CARS. SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN. 2. PAGE YOURSELF OVER THE INTERCOM. DON'T DISGUISE YOUR VOICE. 3. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING, ASK IF THEY WANT THAT SUPER SIZED. 4. PUT YOUR GARBAGE CAN ON YOUR DESK AND LABEL IT "IN." 5. PUT DECAF IN THE COFFEE MAKER FOR 3 WEEKS. ONCE EVERYONE HAS GOTTEN OVER THEIR CAFFEINE ADDICTIONS, SWITCH TO ESPRESSO. 6. IN THE MEMO FIELD OF ALL YOUR CHECKS, WRITE "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS." 7. FINISH ALL YOUR SENTENCE! S WITH, "IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY." 8. DON'T USE PUNCTUATION 9. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, SKIP RATHER THAN WALK. 10. ASK PEOPLE WHAT GENDER THEY ARE. 11. SPECIFY THAT YOUR DRIVE-THROUGH ORDER IS "TO GO." 12. SING ALONG AT THE OPERA. 13. GO TO A POETRY RECITAL AND ASK WHY THE POEMS DON'T RHYME. 14. PUT MOSQUITO NETTING AROUND YOUR WORK AREA. PLAY A TAPE OF JUNGLE SOUNDS ALL DAY. 15. FIVE DAYS IN ADVANCE, TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD. 16. HAVE YOUR COWORKERS ADDRESS YOU BY YOUR WRESTLING NAME? 17. WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT THE ATM, SCREAM "I WON, I WON! 3RD TIME THIS WEEK!!!! 18. WHEN LEAVING THE ZOO, START RUNNING TOWARDS THE PARKING LOT, YELLING "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THEY'RE LOOSE!!" 19. TELL YOUR CHILDREN OVER DINNER. "DUE TO THE ECONOMY, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LET ONE OF YOU GO.
AND THE FINAL WAY TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY....... 20. SEND THIS E-MAIL TO EVERYONE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK, EVEN IF THEY SENT IT TO YOU.
TheHuntress143
08-21-2004 11:21 AM
I got this joke from here 24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator... 1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" 10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!" 11. Meow occasionally. 12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. 13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?" 17. Say "Ding!" at each floor. 18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.
Sxygrrl Huntress
08-21-2004 11:32 AM
Oh man I wish I had the guts to do some of these things! :rotfl:
MUZBNUTS
08-21-2004 12:27 PM
This one definitely deserves a WAWAWAAAAAAAAAAAA after it. Breaking story: A down-on-his-luck man named Artie was waiting outside the local Shoprite in hopes of making a little money. He attacked two people as they exited the store and made off with the contents of their pockets. Unfortunately, Artie was still down on his luck - the contents added up to a dollar. Headline: Artie Chokes Two For A Dollar :hmm:
Trigon
08-21-2004 01:33 PM
Here are three great ones I just got from a freind this morning: A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!", "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the
table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the d**m ship?" ---------------------------------------------------------------I hope that this isn't considered too risque. If it is, someone please let me know and I will gladly remove it: Jake was going to be married to Jill so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says "Jake, let me tell you something. On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother. I then said "Here - try these on." So, she did and she said "These are too big, I can't wear them." I replied "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems." Hmmmmm....... thinks Jake. He decided that might be a good thing to try himself. On his wedding night, Jake takes off his pants, hands them to Jill and says "Here, try these on." So, she does and sure enough she says "These are too big, I can't wear them." Jake then replies "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will and I don't want you to ever forget that." Jill then takes her pants off and hands them to Jake saying "Here, now you try on mine." So, he does and says "I can't get into your pants." Jill THEN says, "Exactly, and if your don't change your attitude, you NEVER will!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------You know you're living in 2004 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of Three. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You go home after a long day at work and you still answer the phone in a business manner. 7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line. 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news. 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job. 12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen. 14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. 16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) 17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
Tricha
08-22-2004 04:00 PM
Well I hope you understand it considering my confusing English... but this is the only English joke i know. Did you read the papers this morning? And have you seen the article about the
scientists over in Austria? They kept on hearing these strange sounds coming out of the grave of Mozart... yeah, and nobody could figure out what these sounds were... until one great man found out that the sounds were Mozart's own songs... played backwards!! Do you know what Mozart was doing?? He was slowly decomposing!
MR_Q
08-23-2004 05:27 AM
I heard this crappy joke the other day.. Let me see if I can remember it. There is a plane. On board is the President, a 12 year old girl, an old man, and the smartest man in the world. They're flying along when the pilots die and the plane starts to crash. They go to find that there is only three parachutes. The president says "Im the President the world needs me, I should go first!" He takes one and jumps. The smartest man in the world Says. "Im the smartest man alive. The world needs me, too!" So he takes one and jumps. The old man turns to the girl and says "I've lived a long life, kid. You go ahead and take the last one." The girls says "dont worry, we can both go" "How do you figure?" The old man replied. The girl says "The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack." Is that not the worst joke ever?
GL2814
08-23-2004 07:14 AM
Single and married women
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? A: Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge. ----------------------------------------------------------------a dyslexic man walked into a bra. ------------------------------------------------------------------Blonde says to her husband, "honey, I have this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure how to get it started...will you help me?" husband
replies, "what is it supposed to be a picture of when it's finished?" blonde says, "the picture on the box shows a tiger." blonde takes husband by the hand and leads him over to the table where she has the pieces spread all over... Husband takes a quick glance at the pieces on the table. He then gently takes his wife by the hand and leads her to a chair and motions her to sit down. Husband says to blonde wife, "honey, first of all no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to make this in to anything resembling a tiger. Secondly, dear, I advise you to sit back and relax....lets have a cup of coffee.....(he sighs long and deep)...while I put all the frosted flakes back in the box."
GL2814
08-23-2004 08:01 AM
Post removed by SGH.
LisaM
08-23-2004 12:12 PM
How about if I come "gunning for you". GL, this is a family board with many younger posters. Please make sure that your jokes and stories are appropriate for posting here. If not, they will be deleted. If you have any question as to what is considered to be appropriate, please PM me. (FYI...our patience is very thin right now due to the tons of extra work created by the hacker. Please don't test it.)
ShadowWalker
08-24-2004 02:04 AM
After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, always make sure that I give the girls in my class 50 percent of my attention. My contract requires me to work on my own time after school and evenings grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense, working toward advance certification and a Master's degree. And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training. I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my
very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. And I am to pledge allegiance to family values and this current administration. You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school. I am to make sure all students pass the state mandatory exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, and a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps! You want me to do all of this and you expect me NOT TO PRAY?"
NightStalker
08-24-2004 06:33 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trigon 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You go home after a long day at work and you still answer the phone in a business manner. 7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line. 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
:rotfl: HEH!! yeah.. lots of those apply... especially number 4, i do that ALL the time... sigh....
ShadowWalker Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate 10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato
08-24-2004 02:51 PM
from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.'' 9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern. 8 ) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!'' 7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....'' 6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil. 5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks. 4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan. 3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry. 2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?'' 1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer.'''
King
08-25-2004 03:17 AM
Yes I stole this joke...but I find it hilarious. So two atoms are walking along when the First says, "Hey, I think I lost an Electron." The Second says, "Are you sure?" and the First goes "Yes! I'm positive!!" Shows you how simple I am.
GL2814
08-27-2004 06:17 PM
Read each one carefully, if you mis one you'll get lost pretty easily. -----------------------------LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER: Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR? Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I seen it. Now how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy. Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause. Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do? ~~~~~ Could they ALL be Blondes???
DixieFaithful
08-28-2004 01:04 PM
Did you hear about the man who checked out a book from the library called How to Hug? It turned out to be volume 7 of an encyclopedia set. Ok, maybe it was just funny to me. :laugh: :blush:
Sxygrrl Huntress
08-28-2004 01:08 PM
Call me clueless but I don't get it... :blush:
the panther
08-28-2004 04:52 PM
Ohhh!! I get it! :laugh: Y'know how a letter of an encyclopaedias is sometimes broken up into two different volumes...? That volume contained everything from "how" to "hug". One of the best jokes I've heard, Dixie!! :laugh:
srfrgrl
08-30-2004 11:35 AM
Apples & Wine Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy...So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they're amazing. They have to wait for the right man to come along--the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. And men? They are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and its up to women to stomp the shit of out them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Sxygrrl Huntress LMAO!!!!!!!!!!! :rotfl: I loved the fine wine analogy!!!! Too funny!
08-30-2004 12:04 PM
GL2814
08-31-2004 04:55 AM
I finally got an e-mail from these guy after two months of nothing, so all the old clean jokes are coming back to my arsenal. ---------------------------------------------------Tuesday Trivia – TV Sitcoms For todays’s Joke-Of-The-Day.com trivia, we bring you TV trivia from the 60s to the 90s. This was sent in by our friend Paul. Let us know how you did. And feel free to send in your own trivia to [email protected] Have Fun 1. On "DESIGNING WOMEN," how many brothers and sisters did Charlene claim to have? 2. Who played Will's DAD on "WILL and GRACE?" 3. What was COACH's daughter's name on "CHEERS?" 4. Who played ROSE's boyfriend, MILES, on the "GOLDEN GIRLS?" 5. On "THE WONDER YEARS" what was Kevin's Algebra teacher's name? 6. On "SEINFELD" ELAINE broke up with what famous baseball player because he smoked? 7. If you can hear it...what TV THEME SONG is playing? (may have to refresh page to hear again...) 8. In "ALL in the FAMILY," what is GLORIA's Maiden Name? 9. On the "MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW," what was the profession of Mary's DAD? 10. What profession did Venus Flytrap have before becoming a DJ for "WKRP?" 11. What BRADY BUNCH KID said...."Mom always says, don't play ball in the house..." 12. On "MAUDE" what was Maude's husband's name? 13. Where city did the Petries live in? (The Dick Van **** Show) 14. On "TAXI," Jim paid $10,000 dollars for a retired Race Horse. What did he name the horse? Click here for answers to the TRIVIA!
GL2814 >WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
08-31-2004 08:55 AM
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl or girlfriend on the cover of Playboy, which ever fits. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him." UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here. CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she. I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! :) WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." I just had to add this to everything. http://www.netrevenue.ca/images/Jokes_5.jpg Just got this and had to share.
Great Quotes by Great Women - Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.... unknown - The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy....Helen Hayes - I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows...Jannette Barber - Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse....Lily Tomlin - A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. ...Carrie Snow - Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends....Laurie Kuslansky - My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first is hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint....Erma Bombeck - The phrase "working mother" is redundant....Jane Sellman - Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows...Jennifer Unlimited - Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together, then your body starts falling apart. ...Caryn Leschen - I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at onc...Jennifer Unlimited
GL2814
09-06-2004 11:54 AM
I don't remember if this has been posted here before, but if it has it's still funny. Friends Me and You are Friends....... You Fight, I Fight........ You Hurt, I Hurt........ You Cry, I Cry......... You Jump Off a Bridge.... I'm Gonna Miss Your Dumb ass! -----------------------------------------
And now for something completely different
MR_Q
09-08-2004 05:26 AM
A captian and his crew were out at sea when all of sudden a pirate ship began to attack them. The Captain turned to his first mate and said "Bring me my red shirt!". The first mate was confused but ran to get the captains red shirt anyway. After a long battle the crew defeated the pirates and escaped to safety. The next day they were attacked by two pirate ships. Again the captian turned to his first mate and said "bring me my red shirt!" Again the confused first mate ran for his red shirt. After another brutal battle they again escaped to safety. That night during supper the crew asked the captian why he always wore his red shirt in battle. "If I am wearing my red shirt during a fight and I get wounded, you will not see the blood and will continue to fight bravely." The captian responded to his loyal crew. The next morning the captain woke to find they were surounded by ten heavily armed pirate ships. The crew all looked to the captain expecting for the usual request of his red shirt. The terrified captian turns to his first mate and asks "Bring me my brown pants!!"
MR_Q
09-09-2004 07:09 PM
Jim was driving home from work when all of a sudden he began to feel the "rumble". He pulled over at the first gas station he could find and ran straight for the bathroom. Half way through the event, another man entered the stall next to his. "Hows it going?" The man asked from inside his stall. Jim was never one for "bathroom chatter" but didnt want to come off as a jerk, so he answered the question as best he could. "O.K. Thanks." "You sound a little stressed out. Can I give you a hand?" The man said from his stall. Jim didn't really know how to respond to that question, but again he didn't want to sound rude. "No, Im fine." Jim said, forcing a giggle despite his discomfort. "Its no trouble. Ill be over as soon as Im done here." Came the response from the other stall. "NO!" Jim said, starting to get a little freaked out by the strangeness of the man. "Alright then. I love you!" The man responded from his stall. Now Jim was really freaking out, and began to fear the man might be dangerous. In his panic, Jim responded with the first thing that came to mind. "I love you too."
The man in the next stall responded. "Listen, I'm going to have to call you back. There is a crazy person in the stall next to me who keeps talking to me." Wish a flush, the man got up and left Jim alone to finish up.
oracle22
09-09-2004 07:36 PM
News Release: Teacher Arrested! At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x'and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." :agree:
oracle22 An Honest Job Evaluation Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible.
09-09-2004 07:39 PM
- Project Leader ------------------------------------------------------------------A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER: That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1 3, 5, 7,..) for my true assessment of him. :teehee:
GL2814
09-10-2004 05:31 AM
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.... and try saying things like "Yes, I see," and "Yes, go on," and "I understand." The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No :curse:... what happened next??"
Rad
09-10-2004 08:32 AM
Here are a couple of dorky ones. I hope I get them right... A fish swims into a concrete wall. What does he say? -"Dam!" A proton and an electron are making out. The neutron says, "Get a neucleus!" Two men are out walking there dogs. They get thirsty after awhile and decide to stop in a bar. They see a no dogs allowed sign, but don't want to leave their dogs outside. One guy gets a brilliant idea. He puts on a pair of sunglasses and starts to walk in the bar. The bartender says, "Hey, no dogs allowed!" The guy says, "But this is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender lets him in. The second guy decides to try it out. He puts on his sunglasses and tries to enter. The bartender says again, "No dogs allowed!" The second guy says, "But this is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "That's a chihuahua." The second guy says, "They gave me a chihuahua?!?" Some jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll let you guys in as long as you don't start anything." That's all I have for now.
GL2814
09-10-2004 08:48 AM
Four guys walked into a bar. The fifth one ducked. :fireworks -------------------------------One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over here, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"
srfrgrl
09-10-2004 11:27 AM
A blonde woman goes into a department store an tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints, and hues of pink fabrics. Once she finally picked out a pink floral pattern the salesman asked her "What size do you need?" She replies "Just 15 inches." He exclaims "15 Inches?" What room are they for?" She says, "I only need one, and its not for a room. Its for my computer monitor." The suprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not have curtains." The blond says "Helloooooo...I've got windows!
oracle22
09-12-2004 08:23 PM
Learning to Swear A 5 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell', and you say 'ass',ok?"
"Ok." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw, hell mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. The Mom looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
srfrgrl
10-07-2004 11:45 AM
A stranger, seated next to little Tommy on the plane, turned to the boy and said, "let's talk, I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strikeup a conversation with your fellow passenger." Little Tommy, who had just opened his picture book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" Oh, I don't know, said the stranger, How about politics? Should we keep Bush or elect Kerry? "Ok", said Little Tommy. "that could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces a clump of manure. Why do you suppose that is? Jeez, said the stranger, I have no idea!! Well then, said Little Tommy, how is it that you feel qualified to discuss who should run the country when you don't know shit? Now if you don't mind, I would like to finishing reading my book....
DOCMIDNITE
10-07-2004 12:17 PM
How many of these did your mom and dad teach you??? 1. My mother & dad taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother & dad taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother & dad taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother & dad taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother & dad taught me MORE LOGIC 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother & dad taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother & dad taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and! I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother & dad taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother & dad taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother & dad taught me about STAMINA. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother & dad taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother& dad taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother & dad taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother & dad taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother & dad taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother & dad taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother & dad taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother & dad taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way." 19. My mother & dad taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother & dad taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother & dad taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother & dad taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother & dad taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. My mother & dad taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!" How many of these did your mother & dad teach you???
oracle22
10-07-2004 06:39 PM
Little Girl Helps Paramedic It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Kathleen. When Heidi started going into labor, she called "911." Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"
the panther Q: What does a pirate drive when his ship breaks down? A: A cARRRRRRRRRR! Q: Where did the pirate go on his vacation? A: Very fARRRRRRRRRRRR! :whistle:
10-07-2004 07:46 PM
GL2814
10-07-2004 07:58 PM
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bar tender saw him and asked, "Do you know you have a steering wheele sticking out of your pants?" The pirate looked at him and said, "Arrr, and it's driving me nuts."
ShadowWalker
10-30-2004 10:39 AM
Plaster of Parish A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head. He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"
GL2814
11-04-2004 01:47 AM
The Toilet seat It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by a Polish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified by a Jewish inventor who put a hole in the seat. Government Emblem The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. Damn - it just doesn't get more accurate than that. Ten Commandments The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.
Zero Gravity When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them. Cows Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country, not to mention Osama Bin Ladin. Our Constitution "They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and hell, we're not using it anymore."
ShadowWalker
11-10-2004 11:39 AM
18 vs. 65 If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?" An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.
If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one." And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.
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AND THE FINAL WAY TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY....... 20. SEND THIS E-MAIL TO EVERYONE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK, EVEN IF THEY SENT IT TO YOU.
TheHuntress143
08-21-2004 11:21 AM
I got this joke from here 24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator... 1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" 10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!" 11. Meow occasionally. 12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. 13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?" 17. Say "Ding!" at each floor. 18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.
Sxygrrl Huntress
08-21-2004 11:32 AM
Oh man I wish I had the guts to do some of these things! :rotfl:
MUZBNUTS
08-21-2004 12:27 PM
This one definitely deserves a WAWAWAAAAAAAAAAAA after it. Breaking story: A down-on-his-luck man named Artie was waiting outside the local Shoprite in hopes of making a little money. He attacked two people as they exited the store and made off with the contents of their pockets. Unfortunately, Artie was still down on his luck - the contents added up to a dollar. Headline: Artie Chokes Two For A Dollar :hmm:
Trigon
08-21-2004 01:33 PM
Here are three great ones I just got from a freind this morning: A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!", "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the
table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the d**m ship?" ---------------------------------------------------------------I hope that this isn't considered too risque. If it is, someone please let me know and I will gladly remove it: Jake was going to be married to Jill so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says "Jake, let me tell you something. On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother. I then said "Here - try these on." So, she did and she said "These are too big, I can't wear them." I replied "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems." Hmmmmm....... thinks Jake. He decided that might be a good thing to try himself. On his wedding night, Jake takes off his pants, hands them to Jill and says "Here, try these on." So, she does and sure enough she says "These are too big, I can't wear them." Jake then replies "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will and I don't want you to ever forget that." Jill then takes her pants off and hands them to Jake saying "Here, now you try on mine." So, he does and says "I can't get into your pants." Jill THEN says, "Exactly, and if your don't change your attitude, you NEVER will!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------You know you're living in 2004 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of Three. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You go home after a long day at work and you still answer the phone in a business manner. 7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line. 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news. 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job. 12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen. 14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee. 16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) 17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. 20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
Tricha
08-22-2004 04:00 PM
Well I hope you understand it considering my confusing English... but this is the only English joke i know. Did you read the papers this morning? And have you seen the article about the
scientists over in Austria? They kept on hearing these strange sounds coming out of the grave of Mozart... yeah, and nobody could figure out what these sounds were... until one great man found out that the sounds were Mozart's own songs... played backwards!! Do you know what Mozart was doing?? He was slowly decomposing!
MR_Q
08-23-2004 05:27 AM
I heard this crappy joke the other day.. Let me see if I can remember it. There is a plane. On board is the President, a 12 year old girl, an old man, and the smartest man in the world. They're flying along when the pilots die and the plane starts to crash. They go to find that there is only three parachutes. The president says "Im the President the world needs me, I should go first!" He takes one and jumps. The smartest man in the world Says. "Im the smartest man alive. The world needs me, too!" So he takes one and jumps. The old man turns to the girl and says "I've lived a long life, kid. You go ahead and take the last one." The girls says "dont worry, we can both go" "How do you figure?" The old man replied. The girl says "The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack." Is that not the worst joke ever?
GL2814
08-23-2004 07:14 AM
Single and married women
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? A: Single women come home, see whats in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge. ----------------------------------------------------------------a dyslexic man walked into a bra. ------------------------------------------------------------------Blonde says to her husband, "honey, I have this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure how to get it started...will you help me?" husband
replies, "what is it supposed to be a picture of when it's finished?" blonde says, "the picture on the box shows a tiger." blonde takes husband by the hand and leads him over to the table where she has the pieces spread all over... Husband takes a quick glance at the pieces on the table. He then gently takes his wife by the hand and leads her to a chair and motions her to sit down. Husband says to blonde wife, "honey, first of all no matter what we do, we are not going to be able to make this in to anything resembling a tiger. Secondly, dear, I advise you to sit back and relax....lets have a cup of coffee.....(he sighs long and deep)...while I put all the frosted flakes back in the box."
GL2814
08-23-2004 08:01 AM
Post removed by SGH.
LisaM
08-23-2004 12:12 PM
How about if I come "gunning for you". GL, this is a family board with many younger posters. Please make sure that your jokes and stories are appropriate for posting here. If not, they will be deleted. If you have any question as to what is considered to be appropriate, please PM me. (FYI...our patience is very thin right now due to the tons of extra work created by the hacker. Please don't test it.)
ShadowWalker
08-24-2004 02:04 AM
After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, always make sure that I give the girls in my class 50 percent of my attention. My contract requires me to work on my own time after school and evenings grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense, working toward advance certification and a Master's degree. And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training. I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my
very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. And I am to pledge allegiance to family values and this current administration. You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school. I am to make sure all students pass the state mandatory exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, and a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps! You want me to do all of this and you expect me NOT TO PRAY?"
NightStalker
08-24-2004 06:33 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trigon 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You go home after a long day at work and you still answer the phone in a business manner. 7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line. 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
:rotfl: HEH!! yeah.. lots of those apply... especially number 4, i do that ALL the time... sigh....
ShadowWalker Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate 10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato
08-24-2004 02:51 PM
from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.'' 9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern. 8 ) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!'' 7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....'' 6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil. 5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks. 4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan. 3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry. 2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?'' 1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer.'''
King
08-25-2004 03:17 AM
Yes I stole this joke...but I find it hilarious. So two atoms are walking along when the First says, "Hey, I think I lost an Electron." The Second says, "Are you sure?" and the First goes "Yes! I'm positive!!" Shows you how simple I am.
GL2814
08-27-2004 06:17 PM
Read each one carefully, if you mis one you'll get lost pretty easily. -----------------------------LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER: Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR? Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I seen it. Now how do I get out? Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy. Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause. Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do? ~~~~~ Could they ALL be Blondes???
DixieFaithful
08-28-2004 01:04 PM
Did you hear about the man who checked out a book from the library called How to Hug? It turned out to be volume 7 of an encyclopedia set. Ok, maybe it was just funny to me. :laugh: :blush:
Sxygrrl Huntress
08-28-2004 01:08 PM
Call me clueless but I don't get it... :blush:
the panther
08-28-2004 04:52 PM
Ohhh!! I get it! :laugh: Y'know how a letter of an encyclopaedias is sometimes broken up into two different volumes...? That volume contained everything from "how" to "hug". One of the best jokes I've heard, Dixie!! :laugh:
srfrgrl
08-30-2004 11:35 AM
Apples & Wine Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy...So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality they're amazing. They have to wait for the right man to come along--the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. And men? They are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and its up to women to stomp the shit of out them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Sxygrrl Huntress LMAO!!!!!!!!!!! :rotfl: I loved the fine wine analogy!!!! Too funny!
08-30-2004 12:04 PM
GL2814
08-31-2004 04:55 AM
I finally got an e-mail from these guy after two months of nothing, so all the old clean jokes are coming back to my arsenal. ---------------------------------------------------Tuesday Trivia – TV Sitcoms For todays’s Joke-Of-The-Day.com trivia, we bring you TV trivia from the 60s to the 90s. This was sent in by our friend Paul. Let us know how you did. And feel free to send in your own trivia to [email protected] Have Fun 1. On "DESIGNING WOMEN," how many brothers and sisters did Charlene claim to have? 2. Who played Will's DAD on "WILL and GRACE?" 3. What was COACH's daughter's name on "CHEERS?" 4. Who played ROSE's boyfriend, MILES, on the "GOLDEN GIRLS?" 5. On "THE WONDER YEARS" what was Kevin's Algebra teacher's name? 6. On "SEINFELD" ELAINE broke up with what famous baseball player because he smoked? 7. If you can hear it...what TV THEME SONG is playing? (may have to refresh page to hear again...) 8. In "ALL in the FAMILY," what is GLORIA's Maiden Name? 9. On the "MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW," what was the profession of Mary's DAD? 10. What profession did Venus Flytrap have before becoming a DJ for "WKRP?" 11. What BRADY BUNCH KID said...."Mom always says, don't play ball in the house..." 12. On "MAUDE" what was Maude's husband's name? 13. Where city did the Petries live in? (The Dick Van **** Show) 14. On "TAXI," Jim paid $10,000 dollars for a retired Race Horse. What did he name the horse? Click here for answers to the TRIVIA!
GL2814 >WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
08-31-2004 08:55 AM
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl or girlfriend on the cover of Playboy, which ever fits. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him." UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here. CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she. I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! :) WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." I just had to add this to everything. http://www.netrevenue.ca/images/Jokes_5.jpg Just got this and had to share.
Great Quotes by Great Women - Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.... unknown - The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy....Helen Hayes - I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows...Jannette Barber - Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse....Lily Tomlin - A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. ...Carrie Snow - Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends....Laurie Kuslansky - My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first is hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint....Erma Bombeck - The phrase "working mother" is redundant....Jane Sellman - Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows...Jennifer Unlimited - Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together, then your body starts falling apart. ...Caryn Leschen - I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at onc...Jennifer Unlimited
GL2814
09-06-2004 11:54 AM
I don't remember if this has been posted here before, but if it has it's still funny. Friends Me and You are Friends....... You Fight, I Fight........ You Hurt, I Hurt........ You Cry, I Cry......... You Jump Off a Bridge.... I'm Gonna Miss Your Dumb ass! -----------------------------------------
And now for something completely different
MR_Q
09-08-2004 05:26 AM
A captian and his crew were out at sea when all of sudden a pirate ship began to attack them. The Captain turned to his first mate and said "Bring me my red shirt!". The first mate was confused but ran to get the captains red shirt anyway. After a long battle the crew defeated the pirates and escaped to safety. The next day they were attacked by two pirate ships. Again the captian turned to his first mate and said "bring me my red shirt!" Again the confused first mate ran for his red shirt. After another brutal battle they again escaped to safety. That night during supper the crew asked the captian why he always wore his red shirt in battle. "If I am wearing my red shirt during a fight and I get wounded, you will not see the blood and will continue to fight bravely." The captian responded to his loyal crew. The next morning the captain woke to find they were surounded by ten heavily armed pirate ships. The crew all looked to the captain expecting for the usual request of his red shirt. The terrified captian turns to his first mate and asks "Bring me my brown pants!!"
MR_Q
09-09-2004 07:09 PM
Jim was driving home from work when all of a sudden he began to feel the "rumble". He pulled over at the first gas station he could find and ran straight for the bathroom. Half way through the event, another man entered the stall next to his. "Hows it going?" The man asked from inside his stall. Jim was never one for "bathroom chatter" but didnt want to come off as a jerk, so he answered the question as best he could. "O.K. Thanks." "You sound a little stressed out. Can I give you a hand?" The man said from his stall. Jim didn't really know how to respond to that question, but again he didn't want to sound rude. "No, Im fine." Jim said, forcing a giggle despite his discomfort. "Its no trouble. Ill be over as soon as Im done here." Came the response from the other stall. "NO!" Jim said, starting to get a little freaked out by the strangeness of the man. "Alright then. I love you!" The man responded from his stall. Now Jim was really freaking out, and began to fear the man might be dangerous. In his panic, Jim responded with the first thing that came to mind. "I love you too."
The man in the next stall responded. "Listen, I'm going to have to call you back. There is a crazy person in the stall next to me who keeps talking to me." Wish a flush, the man got up and left Jim alone to finish up.
oracle22
09-09-2004 07:36 PM
News Release: Teacher Arrested! At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x'and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'." When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." :agree:
oracle22 An Honest Job Evaluation Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible.
09-09-2004 07:39 PM
- Project Leader ------------------------------------------------------------------A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER: That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1 3, 5, 7,..) for my true assessment of him. :teehee:
GL2814
09-10-2004 05:31 AM
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand.... and try saying things like "Yes, I see," and "Yes, go on," and "I understand." The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No :curse:... what happened next??"
Rad
09-10-2004 08:32 AM
Here are a couple of dorky ones. I hope I get them right... A fish swims into a concrete wall. What does he say? -"Dam!" A proton and an electron are making out. The neutron says, "Get a neucleus!" Two men are out walking there dogs. They get thirsty after awhile and decide to stop in a bar. They see a no dogs allowed sign, but don't want to leave their dogs outside. One guy gets a brilliant idea. He puts on a pair of sunglasses and starts to walk in the bar. The bartender says, "Hey, no dogs allowed!" The guy says, "But this is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender lets him in. The second guy decides to try it out. He puts on his sunglasses and tries to enter. The bartender says again, "No dogs allowed!" The second guy says, "But this is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "That's a chihuahua." The second guy says, "They gave me a chihuahua?!?" Some jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll let you guys in as long as you don't start anything." That's all I have for now.
GL2814
09-10-2004 08:48 AM
Four guys walked into a bar. The fifth one ducked. :fireworks -------------------------------One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over here, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"
srfrgrl
09-10-2004 11:27 AM
A blonde woman goes into a department store an tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many textures, prints, and hues of pink fabrics. Once she finally picked out a pink floral pattern the salesman asked her "What size do you need?" She replies "Just 15 inches." He exclaims "15 Inches?" What room are they for?" She says, "I only need one, and its not for a room. Its for my computer monitor." The suprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not have curtains." The blond says "Helloooooo...I've got windows!
oracle22
09-12-2004 08:23 PM
Learning to Swear A 5 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell', and you say 'ass',ok?"
"Ok." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw, hell mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. The Mom looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."
srfrgrl
10-07-2004 11:45 AM
A stranger, seated next to little Tommy on the plane, turned to the boy and said, "let's talk, I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strikeup a conversation with your fellow passenger." Little Tommy, who had just opened his picture book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" Oh, I don't know, said the stranger, How about politics? Should we keep Bush or elect Kerry? "Ok", said Little Tommy. "that could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces a clump of manure. Why do you suppose that is? Jeez, said the stranger, I have no idea!! Well then, said Little Tommy, how is it that you feel qualified to discuss who should run the country when you don't know shit? Now if you don't mind, I would like to finishing reading my book....
DOCMIDNITE
10-07-2004 12:17 PM
How many of these did your mom and dad teach you??? 1. My mother & dad taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother & dad taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother & dad taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother & dad taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother & dad taught me MORE LOGIC 'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother & dad taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother & dad taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and! I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother & dad taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother & dad taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother & dad taught me about STAMINA. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother & dad taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother& dad taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother & dad taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother & dad taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother & dad taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother & dad taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother & dad taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother & dad taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way." 19. My mother & dad taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother & dad taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother & dad taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother & dad taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother & dad taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. My mother & dad taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!" How many of these did your mother & dad teach you???
oracle22
10-07-2004 06:39 PM
Little Girl Helps Paramedic It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Kathleen. When Heidi started going into labor, she called "911." Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"
the panther Q: What does a pirate drive when his ship breaks down? A: A cARRRRRRRRRR! Q: Where did the pirate go on his vacation? A: Very fARRRRRRRRRRRR! :whistle:
10-07-2004 07:46 PM
GL2814
10-07-2004 07:58 PM
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bar tender saw him and asked, "Do you know you have a steering wheele sticking out of your pants?" The pirate looked at him and said, "Arrr, and it's driving me nuts."
ShadowWalker
10-30-2004 10:39 AM
Plaster of Parish A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town. At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000." Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000." Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge." He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head. He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!" This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"
GL2814
11-04-2004 01:47 AM
The Toilet seat It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by a Polish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified by a Jewish inventor who put a hole in the seat. Government Emblem The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. Damn - it just doesn't get more accurate than that. Ten Commandments The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.
Zero Gravity When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them. Cows Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country, not to mention Osama Bin Ladin. Our Constitution "They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and hell, we're not using it anymore."
ShadowWalker
11-10-2004 11:39 AM
18 vs. 65 If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?" An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.
If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one." And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.
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