Fitlads - Issue 2 - October November 2008

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September – November 2008 | Issue No. 2 |

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The Ultimate Guide To Meeting! Interview with Horror Goddess

Olga Fedori IGLFA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP 2008 Fitlads centrefold pullout...

WIN Blackpool

A holiday in

TIPS on being a successful gay male stripper!

What a total abortion of a summer it has been! Poor Fitlads was subject to some rather nasty electronic attacks at the hands of a jealous wannabe competitor. A month down the line, I'm debating sending him a very large box of chocks! Rather than see our demise, he's inadvertently strengthened our IT systems and better still, increased the loyalty of our members.

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IGLFA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP 2008 REX

WIN Blackpool

I hope you enjoy this second issue - it's been a blast writing it. If you want to get in on the action, then drop an email to [email protected]

Joe Hill Editor Fitlads

ES IT

20 THE TWINKLE ZONE

Top Ten Gay Movies 22

Fitlads centrefold pullout...

IN

BOX

24

NEWS ‘n’ BITS FOR FITLADS

26

28

TIPS on being

a successful gay male stripper!

29

FORUMS

Interview with Horror Goddess

31

Olga Fedori 32

KIDNAPPEIDNC.

Editor: Joseph Hill

Thanks to Michael for proofreading id:born2make © Copyright 2008, David and Joe Ltd.

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Quickie

BITES 36

Fitlads grab some poles...

ARRGH, shiver me timber! 37 40

GET THE

Advertising Sales 24.com E-mail: kelly@blueline 69 73 1 41 Phone: 0141

Useless Fact:

Ralph Lauren's real name is Ralph Lifshitz.

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GLBTin India

Disclaimer: Fitlads The Mag is published by David and Joe Ltd. All right reserved. The views expressed in Fitlads The Mag are those of its contributors and not necessarily shared by the company.

Reach over 250,000 ue 1 had Fitlads members – Iss with 20,000 printed copies s. ad lo wn do 60,000 online

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Published bi-monthly by David and Joe Ltd ISSN 1757-5516 (Print) Address: 12D Timber Bush, Edinburgh EH6 6QH 0131 510 5100 www.fitlads.net

INT

Keith Anderson Interview 18

HOW TO DO BLACKPOOL FOR FIFTY QUID

So a big THANK YOU guys for sticking with us through 'that c**t of a month'. There's loads of footy in this issue, to celebrate Fitlads having sponsored the Gay World Cup in London last month - an event which saw hundreds of players get together from all over the world to fight it out. Better still, England can finally say they've won the World Cup again. Even if the pooves have to do it for them!

CKNER TIONAL! WO ERNA TAK

A holiday in

16

10

PARTY

44

42

STARTED FITLADS 46

FITNESS

The Ultimate Guide To Meeting! 3

D L R O W A F L G I 8 0 0 2 P I H S N O I P CHAM

Fitlads.net proud sponsors of

ed host to the At the end of August, London play Football annual International Gay & Lesbian From its humble Association (IGLFA) World Cup. Games in San beginnings as part of the 1982 Gay wn markedly in Francisco, this competition has gro ’s Leftfooters FC the last ten years. This year London host to more than and Hackney Women FC, played Clubs came from as 30 teams from around the globe. Mexico, Japan and far a field as Australia, Argentina, ents from Europe South Africa. With healthy conting e British presence and North America to add to a larg alone), this was (10 Clubs in the men’s competition had been the first time that all the continents represented at the competition. r 4 days at The group games were played ove finals being played London’s Regents Park with the . The teams were at Leyton Orient FC in East London formally of West presented to Sir Trevor Brooking Director of Football Ham and England, and now the Development.

Men’s Division 1 round robin The open competition featured a d London’s qualifying format, and as expecte ised through to the Stonewall Football Club Lions cru Argentina. The UK Semi-Finals along with SAF Gay Semi-Finals when had a second team through to the it through it 3rd London’s Falcons FC also made ing the line up. place with Japan Samurai complet r Japanese Stonewall made short work of thei winners in the first opponents, running out easy 10-0 lost to the Semi. Falcons, who had narrowly up game, fancied Argentineans in an absorbing gro . However, three turning the tables in the re-match midway through the goals in the space of 15 minutes comfortable half first half gave the Argentineans a lly ran out 4-1 time advantage and they eventua winners. Argentine side Los Stonewall has lost in the final to having beaten SAF Dogos in Buenos Aires last year ftly set about Gay in the Quarter Final. They swi Iain Drain game ensuring there would be no repeat. never seriously them an early lead and they were Gay Argentina 5-0. threatened as they outplayed SAF ugh the Stonewall succeeded in getting thro goal, which had competition without conceding a never been done before. Men’s Division 2 Division 2 There was a different format for the

teams. With knock competition with 4 groups of 5/6 s there were some out stages for the last 16 onward andic Side St thrilling matches. Dublin beat Icel newall 2nd string Styrmir 3-2 after extra time and Sto petition favourites (Apprentices), who were the com inst their 3rd String had an uncomfortable outing aga a time before (Wreckers) who forced them to extr h came as losing 2-0. The most dramatic finis ts FC from Yorkshire Terriers defeated Hotsco r the game Edinburgh 4-2 on penalty kicks afte finished 1-1. Stonewall Yorkshire would go no further as lst Sydney Rangers progressed to the Semis 4-0, whi ’s Titans FC team easily defeated Prague 7-0. London ico 3-2 whilst 1 narrowly lost out to TRI Gay Mex ind to beat Leicester Wildecats came from beh Dublin 2-1. ed. Sydney The Semi finals were tightly contest e part of the game Rangers lead Stonewall for a larg told and they ran before being Stonewall’s pressure i Final Leicester left out 4-1 winners. In the other Sem to score their winner it until the last kick of injury time icans. in a tense 2-1 victory over the Mex the final as they had Leicester had done well to reach es (including an 8-1 lost their opening two group gam lified 3rd they had defeat by Sydney) but having qua tion went on. grown in confidence as the competi in the Final, they Twice in front against Stonewall few minutes to play. found themselves 3-2 with only a

utes left took the A dramatic equalizer with only min ester found game to penalty kicks. Again Leic only for the themselves 3-1 down in the shoot, make a superb save. Leicester’s keeper Gary Taylor to two penalties as Stonewall would miss their next the shoot out. Leicester held their nerve to win ers and Hackney Great credit should go to Leftfoot tournament. The Women who put on an excellent DC next June competition moves to Washington es 2010, which is to before being included in Gay Gam be in Cologne. *2 Teams) Men’s Clubs (** 3 Teams Stonewall FC (England)** Falcons FC (England) Toronto Titans (Canada) Japan Samurai (Japan) Florida Storm (USA)

CAPTION COMPETITION

fitlads.net Email your suggestions to editor@

Stockholm Snipers (USA) SAF GAY Argentina (Argentina) London Titans FC (England)* Leftfooters FC (England)** Hotscots FC (Scotland) Leicester Wildecats (England) Sydney Rangers (Australia) Dublin Devils (Ireland) New York Ramblers (USA) GFC Bournemouth (England) DC Feds (USA) St Styrmir (Iceland) Birmingham Blaze (England) ublic) Friends from Prague (Czech Rep TRI Gay Mexico (Mexico) Hogtown Nasty Pigs (Canada) Yorkshire Terriers (England) Pan Fodbold (Denmark)

Some ideas to get started... mandatory rectum • Alright everyone... time for thesay aaah" examination... bend over and w how to play foot • Well lads, since we don’t knoben d over and ball, we need another tactic. show em what we've got r knees , balls • I wanna see ya touching you to take one for between your legs and ready the team easy to spot • As Brian Mcfadden would say. It's the gay one? ages • This line is going to take us fucking to snort

R EX K

...I’m back!

ER K N C WO TAKES IT INTERNATIONAL!

Arnorld Schwarzenegger denounces effort to re-ban same-sex marriage California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has strongly denounced the attempt to amend the California Constitution to re-ban same-sex marriage.

then later on the Supreme Court of the United States followed, I think 10 or 12 years later. So I think it is, it's good that California lead -- is leading in this way."

The state Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage May 15 and the weddings began on June 16.

"I personally believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman," the governor added. "But at the same time I think that my, you know, belief, I don't want to force on anyone else, so I think we should stay with the decision of the Supreme Court and move forward. There are so many other more important issues that we have to address in California. So I think to spend any time on this initiative I think is a waste of time."

Appearing on TV's Meet The Press on June 29, Schwarzenegger was asked: "You have a lot of propositions on the ballot again this fall. One of them would mean a constitutional ban on gay marriages. Do you support that?"

Calm down lads - It’s only a mike!

Czech pride attacked, 20 injured The Czech Republic's first gay pride parade, held in the city of Brno, came under attack from extremist and neoNazi protesters June 28 and at least 20 of the 500 marchers were injured. The 150 counterdemonstra-tors threw tear gas, fireworks and eggs at the marchers. Police and neo-Nazis clashed for about 45 minutes at the parade's endpoint. About 15 of the troublemakers were arrested. 10

Useless Fact:

"No, not at all," Schwarzenegger replied. "As a matter of fact, I think the Supreme Court made a decision there. It was apparently unconstitutional to stop anyone from getting married. It's like 1948, the interracial marriage, when the Supreme Court of California has, you know, decided it was unconstitutional and

It was not the first time Schwarzenegger had denounced the proposed amendment, but it was the first time he has done so on national television.

I’ll be back...

What is called a "French kiss" in the English speaking world is known as an "English kiss" in France.

Extremists attack Sofia pride ’60 arrested More than 60 skinheads and other extremists were arrested for attacking the 150 marchers in the first gay pride parade in Sofia, Bulgaria, June 28. They threw bottles, rocks, eggs, firecrackers, smoke bombs and Molotov cocktails at the marchers. No one was injured, thanks to the presence of as many police officers as there were marchers. Among those arrested was Bulgarian National Alliance leader Boyan Rassate. The alliance had plastered Sofia with anti-pride posters saying, "Be Intolerant, Be Normal." The parade, organized by the gay group Gemini, began at the Lovers' Bridge behind the National Palace of Culture, proceeded down busy Evlogi Georgiev Boulevard, and ended at the Red House Center for Culture and Debate on Lyuben Karavelov Street. In Paris, meanwhile, half a million people turned out for the pride parade June 28, including openly gay Mayor Bertrand Delanoë. A big dance party followed at the Place de la Bastille. It rained on Berlin's parade June 28, but tens of thousands of people showed up anyhow. The parade began, for the first time, in the former East Berlin, then traversed the boulevard Unter den Linden to its destination - the Victory Column in the former West Berlin.

Useless Fact:

Census won't count married gays The U.S. government will not count married gay couples in the 2010 census, the San Jose Mercury News reported July 12. Instead, same-sex couples who accurately report that they are married will have their response tabulated by the Census Bureau as if they had checked "unmarried partners." Same-sex marriage is legal in California and Massachusetts. In addition, New Yorkers who marry in those states or abroad are recognized as married in New York state. The Mercury News said the Census Bureau's decision was based on the federal Defence of Marriage Act (DOMA) "and other mandates." DOMA, signed into law by President Bill Clinton in 1996, states, in part: "In determining the meaning of any Act of Congress, or of any ruling, regulation, or interpretation of the various administrative bureaus and agencies of the United States, the word 'marriage' means only a legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife, and the word 'spouse' refers only to a person of the opposite sex who is a husband or a wife." Gary Gates of the Williams Institute, a think tank at the University of California Los Angeles law school, told the newspaper that the bureau's decision "goes against everything the census stands for." "It's a systematic hiding not only of married gay couples, but gay couples as families, which I would argue is a fundamentally political decision," Gates said.

U.S. Senate votes to repeal HIV travel/ immigration The U.S. Senate voted 80-16 on July 16 to repeal the nation's ban on HIV-positive foreign visitors and immigrants. Sens. John Kerry, DMass., and Gordon Smith, R-Ore., secured a provision to repeal the ban in the Senate's legislation to reauthorize PEPFAR, the President's Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief. The measure now moves to a HouseSenate conference committee, then goes to

President George W. Bush, who is eager to see PEPFAR re-funded. "We applaud the Senate for rejecting this unjust and sweeping policy that deems HIV-positive individuals inadmissible to the United States," said Human Rights Campaign President Joe Solmonese. "We call on the leaders of the House and Senate to retain the Kerry-Smith provision in conference and ensure it is included in the final legislation sent to the president's desk." "The HIV ban is ineffective, unnecessary, and

It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a church in Nebraska, USA.

simply bad public health policy," said Rachel Tiven, executive director of Immigration Equality. "It is especially harmful to gay and lesbian families, who do not benefit from the waiver available to opposite-sex couples. The Senate's change is welcome, and long overdue." PEPFAR will send $48 billion to Africa over the next five years to fight AIDS, malaria and tuberculosis. Sen. Joseph Biden, D-Del., called the bill "the single most significant thing the president has done."

11

Jesse Helms is dead The former U.S. senator from North Carolina – Congress' most vociferous homophobe ever -- passed away July 4 at the Mayview Convalescent Center in Raleigh. He was 86. Among numerous other outrages, Helms was responsible for the U.S. ban on HIV-positive foreign visitors and immigrants, which remains in force to this day. A search of this reporter's archives found he had written 164 stories about Helms for gay newspapers since 1985. A few quotes from the late senator:

"I despise the abuse of the word 'gay.' They are not gay; they are repulsive." "(Homosexuality is) deliberate, disgusting, revolting conduct." "I'm not going to comment on (activist Larry) Kramer. Remember, he and that ACT UP put a giant condom on my house." "I don't hate homosexuals. I don't even know any homosexuals." "There is a great big odor rising from the manner in which Congress is falling all over itself to do what the homosexual lobby is almost hysterically demanding." "Homosexuals and lesbians are disgusting people, marching in our streets demanding all sorts of things, including the right to marry each other."

Obama opposes California marriage amendment Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama has come out in opposition to the California ballot measure that would amend the state constitution to undo the state Supreme Court's legalization of same-sex marriage. Gay couples have been able to marry since June 16. In a letter to San Francisco's Alice B. Toklas Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Democratic Club, posted on the club's Web site July 1, Obama said: "I am proud to join with and support the LGBT community in an effort to set our nation on a course that recognizes LGBT Americans with full equality under the law. That is why 12

Useless Fact:

I support extending fully equal rights and benefits to same sex couples under both state and federal law. That is why I support repealing the Defence of Marriage Act and the 'Don't Ask Don't Tell' policy, and the passage of laws to protect LGBT Americans from hate crimes and employment discrimination. And that is why I oppose the divisive and discriminatory efforts to amend the California Constitution, and similar efforts to amend the U.S. Constitution or those of other states. "I want to congratulate all of you who have shown your love for each other by getting married these last few weeks," Obama added. Obama has said repeatedly in recent months that he believes marriage is between a man and a woman, and that he supports civil unions, but not marriage, for same-sex couples.

So, his congratulating gay couples on getting married and his opposing efforts to limit gay couples to civil unions seem to mark a change in his position. At least that's how many antigay activists interpreted the letter. Some gay activists, on the other hand, wondered if Obama wants to have his cake and eat it too, depending on whom he's talking to. Republican presidential candidate John McCain supports the push to amend the California Constitution. "I support the efforts of the people of California to recognize marriage as a unique institution between a man and a woman, just as we did in my home state of Arizona," McCain said June 26. "I do not believe judges should be making these decisions."

An office desk has 400 times more bacteria than a toilet.

In fact, Arizona does not have a constitutional amendment against same-sex marriage -the ban is just an ordinary law -- although a proposed amendment will be on the ballot Nov. 4. McCain's statement drew a rebuke from the GLBT group Log Cabin Republicans. "His position on this amendment hurts gay and lesbian families," said President Patrick Sammon. "We ... do not believe he should have interjected himself into this state issue. Supporting this amendment is inconsistent with Sen. McCain's belief in federalism. Backing California's ban sends the wrong signal to the independents who will decide this election because it creates the impression that he's pandering to social conservative leaders."

Budapest Gay Bar Torched! Someone firebombed the Budapest gay bar Action on June 27 after first phoning to be sure there were patrons present and to announce his plan.

into a bar with people in it is attempted murder. We are afraid that the police (are sending) a message that serious crimes against LGBT people will be tolerated."

The curtains in the bar's front room quickly went up in flames but were doused by a patron with a fire extinguisher. No one was injured.

A few hours before the attack, an anti-gay Web site published the addresses of gay businesses in the city and suggested attacking them.

Several gay and gay-friendly organizations have denounced the police for investigating the incident as one of "vandalism" rather than "attempted murder."

A second attack occurred July 2 at the gay bathhouse Magnum. Four gas bombs were tossed into the building. The fires were doused with fire extinguishers.

"Vandalism is when you spray paint on a wall," said Gábor Kuszing of the Association of People Challenging Patriarchy. "Throwing a petrol bomb

"We are doubtful if the police are really protecting the gay establishments as they promised," Kuszing said.

Christians boycott McDonald's

Sweden makes it easier for gay Iranians to stay

The American Family Association called a boycott of McDonald's on July 3. fastThe organization is upset that the al Gay food giant has joined the Nation erce, and Lesbian Chamber of Comm given it money, and put one of its . executives on the group's board The AFA says its nearly 3 million ney at supporters don't want to spend mo ote the establishments that actively "prom homosexual agenda, including homosexual marriage."

Useless Fact:

Sweden's Migration Board ruled June 28 that Iranian gays who seek asylum in Sweden will get it if they were ever out of the closet while living in Iran. Such individuals are at risk of persecution if returned to Iran, the board said. Iran has the death penalty on the books for sodomy.

It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a church in Nebraska, USA.

At minimum, "We have documented brutal floggings imposed by courts as punishment, and torture and illtreatment, including sexual abuse, in police custody," Human Rights Watch has said. "The legal machinery of persecution is oiled, ready and operating in Iran," said Scott Long, head of the group's LGBT Rights Program. 13

300 gay cops, staffers march in Manchester In the largest such grouping ever, 300 gay and lesbian police officers and staffers marched in the gay pride parade in Manchester, England, Aug. 23. The cops came from 16 police forces around the United Kingdom.

there's never been anything like it in the world."

"I am totally overwhelmed with the response we have had this year," Sgt. Julie Barnes-Frank, coordinator of Greater Manchester Police's Lesbian and Gay Staff Affiliation, told the Press Association. "Each year our presence gets bigger and bigger and this year it is true to say

Meanwhile, England's most southwesterly county, Cornwall, saw its first gay pride parade Aug. 23 in the city of Truro. Some 600 people marched and the Gay Police Association flag flew from the Truro Police Station.

Olympics t a n a m y a g ly c li b u p ly On wins gold medal

The only publicly gay man participating in the Beijing Olympics won agold medal in 10-meter platform diving Aug. 22. 14

Useless Fact:

"I think it's something to beat next time," Mitcham, 20, told the Sydney Morning Herald afterward. "Everything, absolutely everything, has been for this. I knew it was a far chance but I did everything, absolutely everything I could, to give myself the best chance of doing it. It's actually happened. I never thought it would." Mitcham's partner, Lachlan Fletcher, attended the Olympics on a grant from Johnson & Johnson's Athlete Family Support Program.

A kiss for one minute can burn 26 calories.

"Coming out publicly, that was a first," said Mitcham's mother, Vivien. "The highest score awarded to an Olympic dive ever, another first. How many more firsts can this child get?" Mitcham came out in a May interview with the Herald. Of the 10,500 athletes who competed in the Olympics, only 10 were publicly gay, according to Outsports.com.

(U.S., soccer), Lauren Lappin (U.S., softball), Victoria "Vickan" Svensson (Sweden, soccer), Rennae Stubbs (Australia, tennis) and Linda Bresonik (Germany, soccer). Outsports also took note of openly bisexual U.S. softball player Vicky Galindo.

:-D

In so doing, Matthew Mitcham of Australia recorded the highestscoring dive in Olympic history.

E N I L D A E H A T L HAVE I GO O L ! ! ! L O L – U O Y FOR

Hammerseng, Nyberg and Kai also took home gold medals. Lappin and Galindo won silver medals and Bresonik snagged a bronze.

The other nine were lesbians: Judith Arndt (Germany, cycling), Imke Duplitzer (Germany, fencing), couple Gro Hammerseng and Katja Nyberg (Norway, handball), Natasha Kai Useless Useless Fact: Fact:

xxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxx

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L O O P K C A L B O D O D I HOW T U Q Y T FOR FIF The writing is on the wall – we are now officially in a depression. But don't get depressed just yet. There are still ways to paint the town red in Blackpool for £50! Blackpool is full of firsts: the biggest vomit rollercoasters, colossal clubs and even the biggest mirror ball in the world. Though £50 is not a fortune, it's enough to open up a Vegas-style experience that will give you world-class shows, cosmopolitan restaurants, vibrant nightlife and breathtaking scenery. For a full night out in Blackpool, start your evening off at Pepe's. Open daily from midday, Pepe's has a lighthearted mixture of camp, strippers and 'mad happenings'. Entry is free. There're always loads of drinks promotions on premium spirit and postmix: £2.00, draught £1.75 per pint! It's a great place to begin your drinking session after doing the tourist thing. Find Pepe's on 94 Talbot Road. After a thorough warmup at Pepe's, you might want to head cross to Taboo. This very popular and gay-friendly venue packs on various themes throughout the week ranging from bingo, karaoke and cabaret. Taboo also has a running drinks promotions. Entry is £2. Find Taboo at 96 Talbot Road. If you're still looking for some camp fun, it's a good bet that Miss Roxy Hart of Roxy's Bar will drive things up a notch. Here you get the the best food and atmosphere with the best classic and party songs and stage performances and class drag. Drinks are a premium doubles at £2.20 and staff get involved in the acts too! Find Roxy's at 23 Queen Street, 2 minute's walk from Talbot. If you're still slightly coherent, head to Funny Girls. As the name suggests, Funny Girls is a very gay-friendly and colourful venue. Shows start at 8:30 and the grand finale at 23:30. Tables may prove a bit expensive for the average gay punter who usually favours a standing ticket for £3.00 on weekdays; £6.00 on Saturdays. Find Funny Girls at 5 Dickson Road. In my opinion, from here the only place worth going to is The Flying Handbag, literally around the corner. This is the place to go for the Saturday night floor fillers, and a 16

Useless Fact:

perfect warm up for clubbing at The Flamingo later on. The Flying Handbag bursts with acts, strippers and drinks promotions. Brandy Babycham will keep you going through until 2-am with her bubbly personality and a mix of top tunes. Entry is £2, inclusive of a 2-4-1 voucher for The Flamingo Nightclub! FInd The Flying Handbag at 44 Queen Street. End the night in the most iconic feature in Blackpool -The Flamingo Nightclub. The Flamingo has been around since the eighties, and is now based at Queen Street right next door to The Flying Handbag. The club has seen appearances such as Danni Minogue! There are always special offers and some big names performances. Theres a podium for dancing, fire eating, stilt walking extravaganza – to end the night on a massive high! Find The Flamingo on 44 Queen Street. Enjoy!

Hyan – Fitlads

WIN Blackpool

A holiday in

The Two's Company holiday flats in Blackpool have kindly offered a 5 day holiday to one of our lucky readers. Two's Company offer holiday flats in Blackpool at reasonable prices - you can contact them on

01253 296509 If you'd like to join them on Monday 15th to Friday 19th December then just enter our competition! Q. How tall is the Blackpool tower? Answers: FITLADS A - 261 ft FITLADS B - 398 ft FITLADS C - 518 ft Text FITLADS and then your answer to 60060. For example, to vote for A, text FITLADS A to 60060. Texts costs 50p. Competition closes 5th Nov 2008

A 13-year-old boy in India produced winged beetles in his urine after hatching the eggs in his body.

is an out and proud alternative folk-rock musician based in London and is Fitlads musician of the moment.

Taken by member id: scott

Keith Anderson

Here he talks to Fitlads A.L. Harper about his new EP Foxes, Arne Friedrich’s balls and rugby player Ben Cohen’s smile.

Fitlads: You're just about to release your new EP Foxes. In 25 words or less describe the music on it. K: A collection of conversations with myself and others, set to the strumming and rhythm of the world outside my flat. Fitlads: How long did it take you to write and record? K: The sessions took place over about six months. There were other songs recorded for an album and I took a few, which felt like a collection, just to keep people up-to-date with where I was musically. Fitlads: Foxes is just 5 songs; do you have a full album planned? K: Yeah, I've been really rejuvenated musically lately and the album is going to cram in a lot of different musical styles. There is a 50s rock ‘n’ roll song, an 80s synth-type song, and a rock-a-billy song; as well as all the boy-and-a-guitar type tunes. Fitlads: Do you think being gay has held you back in the music industry? K: It's a hard call. If I wasn't gay I wouldn't have had the experiences that I have, and so I wouldn't be making the music that I am making, or talking about the things that I'm talking about. It would be a whole other artist you were talking to. Having said that, I do think that people tend to take a bit longer to 'get' what I'm doing. There is a bit more of a precedent for gay female singers doing the folky type thing, there are still only a few boys doing it. Fitlads: Do you have a boyfriend now? K: I'm not so great at relationships. I feel stifled easily. Fitlads: So you're on the lookout? K: With winter on the way, I'm kind of getting that look in my eyes. Fitlads: What qualities do you like most in a guy? K: I like someone who is a bit rough and tumble, is up for anything. Will kick my arse if I get in a mood and gets my sense of humour. I like to have separate lives too, so it's important that I'm with someone who is off doing their own thing. 18

Useless Fact:

Fitlads: What is your most annoying trait? K: I have a tendency to correct people's grammar, which kind of derails conversation a bit. Fitlads: Which footballer’s balls would you most like to kick around? K: Arne Friedrich (if he talks to me in German it ups his hotness), or Fredrik Ljungberg. From the world of rugby, Ben Cohen. Ben Cohen is my number one actually, he has a lovely smile. Fitlads: Do you prefer rugby players or footballers? K: Rugby. Fitlads: What famous musician would you most like to spend a few hours on a tour bus with? K: If it were as a fly on the wall I'd have to say Diana Ross - I hear she can go from zero to bitch and back again in two seconds. I'd quite like to witness that.

You can hear some of the tracks from Foxes at K.Anderson’s MySpace space (www.myspace.com/kandersonmusic). You can catch K.Anderson on his latest UK tour

R U O T at the following locations:

SEP 14 2008 15 MINUTE CLUB – PROHIBITION ST KATS DOCKS, LONDON

SEP 25 2008 LADYBOIS FUNDRAISER, SATAN’S HOLLOW, MANCHESTER OCT 1 2008

BLUE CAT CAFE, STOCKPORT

OCT 10 2008 SONGSMITH – THE MAYORS ARMS, BRISTOL OCT 15 2008 THE LATEST MUSIC BAR, BRIGHTON

Approximately 75% of human poop is made of water.

Useless Fact:

Kite flying is a professional sport in Thailand.

19

THE TWINKLE ZONE Though I get a

pleasure

devilish

in eavesdropping on

conversations in public places, I'm often amazed at the level of brain-rot people actually believe in – urban legends, logical fallacies, and just plain weird notions that have no defining category. Here's a short list of really weird gay urban legends that pass as fact with the dim-witted and gullible.

1 Saddam Hussein starred in a gay porn film. In April 2003, Yahoo, that bastion of impartial news reporting, carried the Weekly World News article about Saddam chomping tube-steak with a side order of soured creme to gurgle -- in front of the camera! 2 Jesus portrayed as a fag in up-and-coming film. This bit of inspired propaganda got over a million bleeding heart Christians to sign a petition to stop the production. Of course, if any of these bible-totin' morons had more than two brain cells to rub together, they would have discovered that it was all complete bollocks. Then again, it's easy to swallow a story about a long-haired hippy in a skirt who lives in a cave with 12 other gays. Isn't it? 3 Bert and Ernie are live-in lovers. Though it's a bit odd that two cuddly blokes could sleep in the same room without being tempted to nail each others in the fluff, it does give a new meaning to the term 'Open Sesame'. Interestingly enough, according to the Daily Mirror in North Carolina, Rev. Joseph Chambers tried to get Bert and Ernie banned under an anti-gay law in Louisiana. My guess is it isn't just Bert and Ernie that have a hand up their arses. 4 Ellen Degenerates Catastrophes. The ever enlightened televangelist Pat Robertson raged on CBN's The 700 Club at the Academy of Arts and Sciences for selecting Ellen Degeneres for hosting the 2005 Academy Awards. Foaming at the mouth, he barked that this Hollywood lesbian had 'invited God's wrath' in the form of Hurricane Katrina and that it wasn't surprising that God had struck down Miss Degeneres' hometown. He also pointed out that the last time Ellen hosted the Emmys, terrorists attacked the twin towers. I seriously wonder if Ellen also caused the 2004 Tsunami by flushing her toilet. 5 Hold Sway. The Philippine police issued a warning to gay officers not to sway their hips or risk losing their jobs! But not to worry, the police department states that it does 'not discriminate against homosexuals.' That's reassuring. I'm sure next they'll substitute truncheons for water pistol. Whoops, that won't do either: long things that squirt water at the end. Hyan – Fitlads

Weird Sex Laws No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car. In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm. A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets. In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons. The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. 20

Useless Fact:

No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts. Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law. In Los Angeles, California, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated.

In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal. An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer! In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture. The only legal sexual position in Washington D.C. is missionary. In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife. In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night).

In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.

Impotence is grounds for divorce in 26 U.S. states.

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!) In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

Useless Fact:

There are approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse each day.

21

Top Ten 10 Gay Top GayMovies Movies 4 Maurice

This hilarious tongue-in-cheek movie is about a man dealing with his fear of intimacy, commitment and AIDS. Jeffrey swears off sex just before meeting the man of his dreams. What follows is a Carry Onesque rom-com that is tender and entertaining, particularly if you like kitsch.

9 Boys Don’t Cry Based on one of the most heinous hate crimes in modern US history, Boys Don’t Cry, is the Academy award winning independent film about the last few months of transsexual Brandon Teena’s life. Murdered in Lincoln, Nebraska because he was born a woman, Teena was subjected to bulling, terrorising and a violent rape before he was shot along with several of his friends. Hilary Swank won the Oscar for her performance as Brandon Teena.

8 My Own Private Idaho This critically acclaimed film charts the life of two rent-boys, played to perfection by Keanu Reeves and the late River Phoenix – in what would turn out to be his magnum opus. Mike (Phoenix) and Scott (Reeves) are hustling their way across the US and eventually to Italy, with Mike looking for family and Scott running away from family. It is widely believed that Phoenix became addicted to drugs while filming My Own Private Idaho, which would eventually lead to his untimely death.

7 The Adventures of Priscilla,

Queen Of the Desert This camp classic about two men and a transsexual woman (all drag queens) travelling through the Australian outback, in a bus called Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, is deceptive in its flippancy. What is, on the surface a fun and frolicsome story of three outrageous characters, is really the story of three hollow and frail individuals looking for love and acceptance, in all the wrong places.

6 C.R.A.Z.Y. Coming of age in the 1970s wasn’t easy for any gay man, but Zac Beaulieu was also the fifth son of a French-Canadian catholic. C.R.A.Z.Y. is an exploration of love of all sorts, but mainly the love of a father for his sons and the love of a son for his father. It’s also a tale of a boy/man learning to accept himself and eventually being accepted by the people he loves most.

5 Beautiful Thing This beautiful urban fairytale is more than just your usual coming-to-terms fare. Beautiful Thing is the sober story of two young lads growing up on an inner city council estate in South East London. This film challenges many stereotypes, pushing the boundaries of what many people think a gay man should act like, dress like, and come from. Think gay in the hood.

Based on the novel by E.M. Forster, Maurice tells the story of homosexual love in Edwardian England, and follows the love affair between Maurice and Alec. After a long monogamous, primarily chaste relationship at university with Clive (played by a very young Hugh Grant), an uptight man deeply in denial, Maurice meets Alec; a beautiful, young gamekeeper on a friend’s estate. This film is a wonderful love story to be enjoyed in the arms of your favourite hunk.

3 Philadelphia Inspired by the true story Geoffrey Bowers. A New York man sues his former employer for breeching his civil rights, after being dismissed because he had AIDS. However the story is more about the relationship of the main characters, the gay AIDS infected man Andrew Beckett (played by Tom Hanks) and his homophobic personal injury lawyer Joe Miller (played by Denzel Washington). While on the surface the story is about Beckett’s wrongful dismissal, the underlying and more powerful theme is acceptance by Miller of Beckett as a man worth fighting for.

2 Bent After living a decadent life in 1930s Berlin, Max (Clive Owen) is arrested by the Gestapo and sent to Dachau. Believing that he will fare better in a concentration camp if the Nazis believe he is Jewish rather than gay Max lies, so as not to be assigned the pink triangle that denotes homosexuality, saying he is Jewish and is forced to prove he isn’t gay by fucking a dead girl. It is in the concentration camp that Max meets openly gay Horst (Lothaire Bluteau). The star-crossed lovers strike up a friendship/love affair that would never end well. Think a gay Schindler’s List, without the list.

1 Brokeback Mountain Easily one of the most widely known and watched gay themed films of all time. A story of the love that grows between two cowboys – played ever so convincingly by Heath Ledger (Ennis del Mar) and Jake Gyllanhall (Jack Twist) – the film follows them through their clandestine relationship spanning 20 years from 1963 to 1983. Both married to women, they meet-up every few months to go “fishing” but it’s not enough for Twist who urges del Mar to runaway with him. Ennis resists fearing homophobic retribution from within the cowboy community. However he eventually realises what he feels is real love but too late as Jack has died tragically. The first time a Hollywood blockbuster has treated homosexuality as normal and acceptable. A.L. Harper – Fitlads

22

Useless Fact:

The condom was originally made of linen and was invented in the early 1500's.

Chat, meet and play at

10 Jeffrey

Chat, meet and play at

XX

Useless Fact:

xxxxxxx

Useless Fact:

xxxxxxxxxx

XX

[email protected]

IN

X O B NEWS ‘n’ BITS FOR FITLADS

By A.L. Harper – Fitlads

Naughty Nazi sex-romps seem profitable FIA

president Max Mosely has been awarded

£60,000 in damages from the News of the World after the High Court ruled against the tabloid. The High Court’s ruled that the paper had breached Mr Mosley’s privacy when it published details of Mosely’s now infamous sex-romp with hookers in a Nazi-themed, sadomasochistic sex session.

Is Lewis Hamilton really F1’s newest driving god? Yes, his tight arse and GQ good looks are enough to make any rectum romeo sweat like a paedo in a playground, but is his driving up to task? Although up till now Hamilton has only really proved that he can win from the front, his victories in Germany and Britain are showing the true potential of F1’s leading hotty.

26

Useless Fact:

Most recently Hamilton was stripped of his win in Belgium after chicane cutting, taking the lead off championship rival Kimi Raikkonen. Although the Englishman gave the Finn back his lead, he was still given a 25-second penalty knocking him back from 1st to 3rd place. Didn’t Schumacher do very similar things in a certain red car just a few years ago? Maybe Hamilton’s car just isn’t red enough for the FIA’s liking, or perhaps this is another desperate attempt by the FIA to keep the F1 Championship alive to the end of the season. Nikki Lauda has been openly critical of Hamilton’s past error-riddled performances, comparing Hamilton to the legendary Ayrton Senna. “He gave an outstanding performance (in Germany)” the former F1 champ said. “If he continues like this, he will be unbeatable.” Of course that was before he came second in Valencia, missing out to Felipe Massa.

Tug of War was an Olympic event between 1900 and 1920.

Mr Justice Eady said that Mosley had a right to expect privacy for any consensual sexual activities no matter how “unconventional". Nazi uniforms and naughty prison guards doesn’t sound unconventional, just an average weekend for any fascist leader.

GAY DRIVER. An enlightened Italian judge has taken steps to drag Italy out of the primordial ooze this month, when he declared that being gay cannot be considered a mental illness.

26 year old Danilo Giuffrida had to re-sit his driver’s test because the Italian transport ministry felt that his "sexual identity disturbance" (ie he’s a cock-jockey) was a mental illness and suspended his license. Eventually the breeders at the drivers license division grudgingly allowed him to drive again but rather than renewing his license for the normal ten years they granted him a disabled license, which must be renewed yearly. Afterall you never know when a rectum romeo will spontaneously suck cock or mount his gear shift (that knob can be ever so tempting).

Weird wanking tips – No2

“It's the old assumption” says Aurelio Mancuso, president of the Italy’s main gay rights group Arcigay, “that if one is homosexual, then he is also psychologically disturbed”. Not surprisingly it’s the Italian military who grassed him up. When Giuffrida was called up for Italy’s mandatory year of military service in 2000, he told doctors at the physical that he was a homosexual, hoping to get out of the service so he could continue working to support his family – obviously a trouble maker. It was an over-eager, homophobic officer who sent the paperwork to the motor vehicle office reporting Giuffrida’s “mental disorder”. The Sicilian judge awarded Mr Giuffrida 100,000 Euros (£79,919) because Mr Giuffrida’s constitutional rights had been breached and the transport and defence ministries had showed “evident sexual discrimination”. Looks like it’s time for Italy to wake-up from their long social hibernation – about time too. Mr Giuffrida said that he would use some of the money to buy a new car. So if you’re driving through Italy this summer, watch-out for a driver with a cock in his mouth!

s e m a N y b a B d a B A nine-year-old girl has been taken into care by a New Zealand judge to enable her to change her name. Tulula Does The Hula From Hawaii, had refused to tell her friends her name, going by simply “K”, has now had her name changed. In his ruling judge Rob Murfitt attacked the culture of giving your children unusual names citing several that officials had blocked including: Twisty Poi; Keenan Got Lucy; Sex Fruit; Fat Boy; Yeah Detroit and Fish and Chips (for twins). But it’s the list of names that have been allowed that is truly hilarious and horrifying by turns. If you ever visit New Zealand look out for Violence (probably don’t want to meet him in a dark alley), the twins Benson and Hedges (could be a fun spit-roast in the making), Number 16 Bus

Useless Fact:

Shelter (good for a quickie), or Midnight Chardonnay (a good laugh after a bottle of wine). Strange baby names are becoming more and more the in thing, with celebrity after celebrity doing it. Take Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s first child Apple Martin (sounds like a dessert), or Jordan’s daughter with Peter Andre, Princess Tiaamii; and of course you couldn’t have a discussion about wacked-out baby names without talking about Bob Geldof’s children, Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa, Little Pixie and Heavenly Hiraani Tiger-Lily – bad naming gone mad there. So in the spirit of unusual names I would like to suggest a few other names you might like to consider – Chavtastic Burberry, Tighty Whities,

Tracky Bottoms or Cookies and Cream (for twins). Or if you’re one of those who want to go with the trend of naming children after where they were conceived you could always try – Tied To The Bed With A Ball Gag In My Mouth, One I Didn’t Knock Out While Wanking, or In The Alley Behind The Pub.

Youthful Tip: Keep your face young and firm by giving a blow job. The BJ workout uses 34 different facial muscles, and on average, jizz is only 15 calories a shot.

In New York City, approximately 1,600 people are bitten by other humans annually.

BEAT TO THE CLOCK After you have masturbated for a good, leisurely long time (with many stops and starts!), set some kind of timer, alarm clock, or digital watch to go off in 10 minutes – and don't let yourself ejaculate until the timer goes off. You should also have a digital clock in the room to note the time. (This can be the same clock as the one with the alarm, as long as it doesn't display seconds – you want to know the time to the minute, but not down to the second.) Refrain from looking at the clock for the first few minutes. As the ejaculation time draws near, occasionally glance at it – but don't stare. When there's one minute left on the clock, you'll go crazy with anticipation because the alarm could ring at any second. Try to hover right on the edge so you can orgasm immediately when the alarm rings. It will seem like an eternity! It's especially good if the alarm has a fairly long ringing cycle. If it continues to ring as you begin ejaculating, it will heighten the sense of urgency and tension relief. 27

TIPS on being

a successful gay male stripper! 1

2

Make sure you have an audience!! If you don’t have an audience then you aren’t a stripper, you are a lad who likes to take his clothes off to music! Make sure you have a big cock!! Yes really! If you don’t then when you take your kegs off, people will laugh at you!! Male strippers HAVE TO have big cocks!

3

Be nice looking with a nice body!! BUT the bigger your cock the less nice looking you have to be and the less of a nice body you need!

4

Like your audience!!! OR at least pretend you do! If you are on stage in front of 500 queens and you look like you would rather be swallowing dog shit then they will sense this and you won’t work in that venue again!! AND word will get around!

5

6

7

Be prepared to be touched up! It will happen! They aren’t allowed to but believe me it will happen! Arguing the point to the promoter after someone as touched you up is gonna end in two words ‘WHAT EVER!’ DO NOT sleep with a club promoter until you have your money in your hand!! If you do then I guarantee you won’t get paid the full amount! The promoter will think that having his cock in your mouth is part payment enough!! If you are working a straight venue then for goodness sakes pretend you are straight!! Straight women want to think they have a chance with the fella stripping and if they know the fella is gay then it will piss them off! Unlike gay men who think any man is fair game!

8

Being a decent dancer is a good idea but once again, the bigger your cock the less you have to rely on your dancing skills!

9

DO NOT put baby oil all over your cock and expect someone to suck you off!! Although we all know someone who’ll do it but on the whole keep your cock oil free!

10 When you are fully naked MAKE SURE that most of your audience see you naked otherwise the ones that don’t will start putting the word around that you was crap only cos they didn’t see your cock! You know how bitter some queens can be!

28

Useless Fact:

Every day, the average person swallows about a quart of snot.

FORUMS

Send all your top gay stories to id:dustylake on Fitlads.net

Fitlads member id: dustylake Brings us his two top gay stories that have been doing the rounds on the net and gets some feedback from the Fitlads forum.

weeks on It’s been a busy few the Fitlads forum. Firstly, lets not forget our shameful performance at the Eurovision song contest, we knew we wouldn‘t win but boy did we loose. I sincerely hope that we choose to stay in the competition - personally, the worse we do the more fun I have watching it. Bring it on! Then there was uproar when Irish MP Iris Robinson boasted on BBC radio that she like to refer gays to a psychiatrist to be ‘healed’ from their shocking disorder- the fitlads forum didn’t have many nice things to say about that and many of you signed the official Downing Street petition to get her sacked. On a positive note, there were many posts of congratulations at the news that Paul O’Grady and Russell T Davis (Dr Who, Queer as Folk) were to be honoured in the aptly named Queens Birthday Honours List.

Bash the Bishop There was outcry amongst members of the Church of England this month with the news that two gay priests took part in a ‘marriage ceremony’ in a London Church. The Archbishops of York and Canterbury spoke of their disappointment at the service and a whole heap of gay rights groups and Christian traditionalists have spoken about the controversial ‘wedding’. But what do the guys on the fitlads forum have to say? id: nyrangerfan1 thinks: "It's ridiculous how the media plays the Archbishop of York, (I think that's the guy who has the gap in between his front two teeth) as some kind of hero,

Bent Brains A recent medical survey is claiming that gay people have similar shaped brains to straight women, and that lesbians have similar shaped brains to straight men. "It proves that people are born gay," says id:meltyfox "But there are a few things to think about." "What about bisexuals? Also, if in the future you can scan your baby's brain to see if it is gay, then won't people start "screening" their unborn foetuses?" "Gay culling! Nooo!" But not everyone believed that the research proved anything, "It does not prove that people are born gay.” thinks id: helmet. “It is still conceivable that an individual is born straight but the influences of the environment cause their brain to change during their process of growing up.” "All that the research proves is that grown-up gays' brains are like grown-up women's brains. It says nothing about how the brains of grown-up gays were like when these guys were children or babies." So is it nature or nurture? This month the final say goes to id: maesglasboi: "Couldn’t give a fuck to be honest, why question what you are when you can just live life and have fun :P " Couldn’t agree with you more id: measgladboi.

The place and their

for scally lads admirers.

"He cut up his dog collar on air and we were told to think that it was some act of humanity because he sympathised with the plight of the Zimbabweans... while at the same time, he's so outwardly homophobic... "give me a tutu over these hypocrites any day…" id: transcendence takes a different view, "The bishops represent their communities" "Not that many gay people integrate themselves into the Anglican church and the vast majority of congregations in developing countries are likely to be homophobic (unsurprisingly, if they've read the Bible), so the bishops are only doing their jobs. "If they are their firmly held opinions then I don't see what they're doing wrong by representing them."

Hang out and meet

The Archbishop of Canterbury has been praised since taking over the role for his liberal stance on such issues. Though I think it would be extremely unfair to call him homophobic, it was a shame that he did not use what happened as an opportunity to further gay rights for in the Church.

Useless Fact:

The Olympics were originally held for the Greek god Zeus.

local

lads. Join for FREE

Chat • Meet • Play

.net 29

Interview with Horror Goddess

Olga Fedori

#

##

Sista # Hotbitch

Where does the name Olga Fedori come from? It's a half of my actual last name, which is Fedorishcheva. It's a Russian/Ukrainian last name, which my papa graciously let me cut it. You gave brilliant performances in Eastenders. But prior to that, what acting gigs did you do? Thank you! Enders was my third job in the UK. My first gig was on the film So Christian Youth (not yet released) by Stephen Parsons, where I play a religious fanatic. Then came along that wonderfully insane episode of Skins, (big thanks to Ben Schiffer for writing it) which was pure fun, comedy and action! Before that, I was in theater, in Cambridge, Boston, and NYC. I feel very lucky to have worked on a few productions with maestro Jay Scheib, my mentor and simply a creative genius. With your recent success at the EIFF with Mum and Dad, what was the most disturbing thing you had to do during shooting? Wake up at 5am and going to sleep at 12am. The most normal things start to seem very disturbing after a few weeks of that. How did you hear about the part - and get the part - for the remake Wolfman? My agent sent me to audition for a different film which I didn't get, but got Wolfman instead! But seriously, Wolfman was one of the most memorable rounds of auditions so far. Improvising with casting director 30

Useless Fact:

One billion seconds is about 32 years.

#

#

h84 Fitlads.net id: hotbitc

With the recent Brit horror hit Mum and Dad (dir. Steven Shiel), Olga Fedori is fast becoming an acting tour-de-force. Behind her deceivingly wide-eyed looks, lurks a piercing ferocity that promises wrath and fury unleashed. In an unusually canny, generous and friendly interview in Edinburgh, Olga shared with me the trials and tribulations of acting in Eastenders to landing a part in the up-and-coming classic remake of the Wolfman with Hollywood director Joe Johnson. Priscilla John, and under the speed-of-light directions from Mark Romanek, who was originally directing it, was a roller-coaster. What are the differences and challenges of acting in Eastenders, compared to Mum and Dad and Wolfman? Dealing with 6-week old babies in Eastenders was the first one; swallowing bloody teeth in Mum and Dad the second; and with only two days training, almost killing half of the cast and producers driving a rickety horse cart at full speed! Though you are recently 'new' to the international scene, what advice would you give someone wanting to break into acting? Wow, just watched an interview where Johnny Depp answering the same question, so I don't feel particularly qualified! Someone give me GURU! The only thing that keeps me happy is doing EXACTLY what I want. That's all the advise I can give. Will you stay in the horror genre, or are you looking for new challenges? Ha, I haven't thought about it this way. Well, I think a good old blond surfer movie is way overdue. Also, I am looking forward to doing a fairytale. Tell you a secret: the very next one is not horror :) If you could step back in time, what film in the last 120 years of cinema would you have liked to star in? And why? Hmm? That's seriously cruel. I have at least 10 films each year. Plus, I am not a fan of choosing: one ought to have it all. What's next? Who knows! I would like to play a vampire-superhero along the lines of Hancock. That makes Batman gone Charlie's angel, doesn't it? When the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright, keep an out for the much-anticipated remake of the Wolfman, due out April 2009. Hyan – Fitlads

Sohail's ID on Fitlads.net is the ONE and ONLY id:hotbitch84. Sohail is 24 and a crazy, fun loving kind of guy. He loves hanging out with mates down Soho, making videos (not dirty ones, you bastards!) and being a LEAST APPROPRIATE 'agony aunt' for our magazine. So take it away 'Sista Hotbitch'

#

My boyfriend wants a threesome with my older brother.

Hey Sista, My granddad recently passed away, and I can't get over his death. What do I need to do to get over something traumatic?

When my boyfriend gropes me, he struggles to find my cock. Dear Nobhead. Having a mushroom penis has to be painful and humiliating. I would leave your boyfriend out of it. Videotape yourselves jerking off, then sell it at your local bootsale. Trust me, there are lots of lads out there into distorted, eeky, gnome-like nobs. If nothing else, you'll meet other crips who'll join you in a circle jerk around a Jacobs Cream cracker.

Dear Emo. Any psychologist will tell you that the best thing to do with a trauma is to confront it a la Norman Bates. Dig him up, stuff him, keep him in the attic, and begin what will quickly blossom into a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Keep body stroking to a minimum as limbs don't hot glue so well. It's also not too late to get a refund on that stairlift. Once a year, take him out, beat him off to dust him. Bar that, you are well on your way to becoming a well-adjusted individual.

Dear Different Strokes. Your boyfriend is clearly devoted to you. He can't get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your brother. This will bring all of the family together. Why not get some male cousins involved as well? If you are still apprehensive, just let him go with your brother and relatives instead.

#

# #

Share it - MMS

You've just snatched a fantastically rude picture of your boyfriend on your mobile. What do you do with it then? I say share it! Now you can upload them directly to your profiles! The picture will appear in your Fitlads gallery within ten minutes!

You'll need to find your security code, visit "my profile" then "upload by mms". Make a note of this, then, whenever you snap something you want other guys to see, MMS the picture to 0786 205 220, with the words FITLADS and your security code in the message body. Any problems? Message admin.

Useless Fact:

One gallon of used motor oil can ruin approximately one million gallons of fresh water.

31

‘ARFF’ ATING LIFE

KIDNAPPEIDNC.

IMIT

CRAFTSMAN Richard J Cann joined By Hyan Fitlads

These days, you can get anything with a credit card. A life-size rubber fuck-me doll; someone to trample on your bits; and now this bizarre new trend in New York and the UK where for a few grand, a company will arrange to violently kidnapped you in broad day light, whisk you away, duct tapped, insulted, confused and scared, and make you disappear for up to a few days.

of American and UK viewers to be regurgitated back as

Jason, a carpenter in his

social phenomena. Kidnap

early 30s, has gone through

chic has arrived and with it a

the kidnap experience three

hefty price tag and a long

times already. 'I just wanted to

waiting list.

see if it was possible for me

Taste for this weird fear

to be in a situation like that.'

‘The kidnap 'victim' agrees a time-frame for his abduction, but the thrill really comes in not knowing when or where the kidnappers will strike.’

candy range from the quick

Psychotherapist Sheena

grab and gag scenario to the

Hankin believes that we '...are

Guanatamo Bay incarceration

built for it. It gives us a sense

in a dank dungeon for a few

of satisfaction and

days and nights with barely

accomplishment.' She has

enough water or food to live

also shown an interest in

and given to the 'victim' as a

on, mixed with psychological

going through the kidnap

sort of souvenir, either to get

warfare and beatings.

scenario herself. Hopefully

their jollies off, or to analyze

stuffing her in a bag and

whatever psychological kicks

beating the shit out of her

they might extracted from the

with sticks will buck up her

experience.

Opinions are divided though as to the real value of such a service. Working on the knife edge of fiction and truth, there has surprisingly not

ideas as to whether or not she really is 'built for it'.

During an interview with The Guardian's Brian Logan, Brock

been any cases of outraged

There is a danger that the

Enright claimed that his

Though 29 year-old Brock

New Yorkers intervening in a

Police will become desensitize

kidnaps 'expose the grotesque

Enright's company Video and

kidnap scenario on Manhattan,

to kidnapping calls and loose

perversions found in advanced

Adventure Services was

despite the fact that many are

the 'golden hour' that could

capitalism', yet he's happy to

founded in 2002, it was just a

carried out on city streets in

save a child's life.

profit from his clients.

question of time before the

broad daylight.

On the other hand, it could

However, Brock admits that

The kidnap 'victim' agrees a

also be possible for someone

the service is beginning get

time-frame for his abduction,

to engineer a kidnapping for

out of hand and is becoming

iconography of men in orange overalls from Guantanamo Bay or the Jihad videos of American hostages paraded on the news would drip into the soul

but the thrill really comes in

someone they hate and

too violent. One has to wonder

not knowing when or where

screw them up permanently.

what other marvels lay in Mr

the kidnappers will strike.

The kidnappings are tapped

Brock's video tape vault.

the

serve and has Army in 2002. He continues to dal (Northern received the General Service Me eration Telic). Ireland) and the Iraq Medal (Op When I joined the army, I didn't know it had become legal. I did see it as, 'if I join the army then nobody will think I'm gay .' For my first operational tour the battalion's area of responsibility was around Basra. One day I definitely I won't forget was "Sardar Saturday,' 8th of May, 2004. We were awoken by a barrage of mortar fire from the local militia. We didn't have any early warning systems. Nine times out of ten the first warning would be hearing a bloody great bang in the middle of the compound. A number of gun battles were fought, and the sniper section were mobilised to a building inside the perimeter of the Ba'ath party compound. I went up and sat with the snipers for 17 hours that day. With the Army, no matter what trade you are, you are a soldier first. I wrote an article for Gay Times and came out in the

army at exactly the same time. I remember presenting a copy to the press officer. Somebody heard us talking, and it quickly spread around squadron. Friends that didn't know were asking me, and I said, 'Well, yeah. Actually I am.' Coming back off the break was actually the first instance of coming up against any resistance to my sexuality. I walked into my room and it had been trashed. Absolutely everything everywhere. I found something that made it clear it was a targeted attack. A stupid note, stating that this person didn't like the fact that I was gay. I ripped the note up and put it in the bin. You know, I'm made of stronger stuff. I am a serving British soldier who just happens to be gay and it is literally seen as that. It's testament to the professionalism of soldiers today. Go back 20 years, I suspect it would have been a totally different story.

ARTIST GUILLERMO VARGAS was nearly blocked from representing Costa Rica in the multi-cultural art Bienal Centroamericana exhibit in Honduras 2008 due to his controversial art exhibit. Pressure groups had a bone to pick with him about his exhibition featuring a stray dog confined to a bare art gallery floor with no bedding, food or water – until it starved to death! Vargas wanted to highlight people's hypocrisy by making an apparently sick and ill-fed dog the centre of attention when it was presented as an art exhibit, even though many of them would ignore the same dog if they encountered it roaming the streets. Bienal Centroamericana in Honduras 2008 has apparently invited Vargas to repeat the exhibition, this time with a different pooch. And as you would expect, Animal rights activists and bleeding hearts groups have gone apeshit. A petition linked to dozens of blogs was signed in hopes of banning Vergas from exhibiting the hotdog display. The groups sincerely believed the scraggy mutt was exploited, starved and murdered. Bienal Centroamericana in Honduras has received over four million signatures. The story of torment, torture and death, however, is complete bollocks. Director of the gallery Juanita Bermúdez told the Guardian

that the dog was untied and free to wonder the gallery except for the three hours the exhibition was on. It was fed regularly with dog food that Habacuc himself brought in. So where's the mongrel? Well, not rotting under floor boards or turning in the window of an Kabab shop. It apparently ran away one night after opening hours. Vargas himself refused to comment on the fate of the dog, but noted that no visitor had tried to free the dog, give it food, call the police, or do anything for it. In an interview with El Tiempo, Vargas also explained that he was inspired by the death of Natividad Canda, an indigent Nicaraguan addict, who was killed by two Rottweilers in Cartago Province, Costa Rica, while being filmed by the news media in the presence of police, firefighters, and security guards. No petition has ever been circulated in defence of the homeless or victims of dog attack. Hyan– Fitlads

cont>>>

32

Useless Fact:

Queen Elizabeth II was Time Magazine's "Man of The Year" in 1952.

Useless Fact:

Actor Bruce Willis's real name is Walter.

33

Quickie

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banning him from seeing his girlfriend after neighbours complained about their noisy fucking sessions; complete with screamed dirty talk and banging headboards. It took neighbours two years of complaining to finally get the ban!

How stupid do you have to be?

liant of the number one comp are tly en ist ns co s na na Ba en st people complain wh grocery shoppers. Mo fact is that or even freckled. The bananas are overripe ntent of eeter, with a sugar co spotted bananas are sw en banana. ared with 3% in a gre more than 20%, comp the common tomato is The scientific term for m, which means "wolf lycopersicon lycopersicu varieties are more than 10,000 peach." However there of tomatoes. s were ented 48 years after tin The tin opener was inv introduced. use ted bottles beca Wine is sold in tin ht. n exposed to lig wine spoils whe content. Carrots have zero fat

•

• • •

Central Scotland Police have recently released some of the “wholly inappropriate” calls that 999 received this year. They include a call from a woman who had been splashed by car when it

drove through a puddle, a man who wanted a postcode for a local police station and a woman who bought a rabbit from a newspaper article, but it didn’t have floppy ears as advertised.

You may know that heart disease is the biggest single cause of death in the UK, killing about 150,000 people a year.

This year’s coolest gadgets? Readers of men’s magazine Stuff have voted the Apple iPhone 3G this year’s coolest gadget. The faster, smarter, thinner upgrade to the plain old iPhone, retails for around £100 (half the price of its predecessor). iPhone 3G was closely followed by the Nintendo Wii Fit, Sony PS3 40GB and Xbox 360 60GB. All must have gadgets, in this technocentric age.

According to ConsumerSearch.com Durex’s line of ultra-thin condoms is the favourite amongst its user’s. And Durex Extra Sensitive is one of the strongest (least likely to break) condoms on the market.

Useless Fact:

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

The names of all the continents end with the letter they start with. Tokyo was once known as Edo. The Vatican is the world's smallest country, at 0.44 square km (0.16 square miles). Eskimos use refrigerators to keep food from freezing. Women make up 49% of the world population. Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 metres.

But did you know that coffee drinkers are less likely to have heart disease than tea drinkers? So, next time you boil the kettle for a cuppa, maybe it should be a coffee.

DID YOU KNOW? Anal mucus contains more HIV than cum? Meaning, when you fuck without a condom the mucus can enter your body through the end of your cock. And the longer you fuck, the more stimulation you give/receive, the more mucus is produced.

So use a condom! 34

Did you know?

Useless Fact:

Thomas Cook is the world's first travel agency and was founded in 1850.

TIP is the acronym for...

To Inspire Promptness

World’s Highest paid footballers 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

Michael Ballack (Chelsea & Germany) £9.1 million Wayne Rooney (Man Utd & England) £9.3 million Ronaldo (AC Milan & Brazil) £12.7 million David Beckham (LA Galaxy & England) £15.8 million Ronaldinho (Barcelona & Brazil) £16 million

ng i l l e s 5 p o T s The UK’ 8 0 0 2 r o f s r a c 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

Vauxhall Astra Vauxhall Corsa Ford Focus Volkswagen Golf Peugeot 207

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

35

Fitlads grab some poles... TOP PLACES YOU’VE EVER SHAGGED Poll – Your list of the favourite places you’ve shagged. According to a recent poll FitLads did, you’re a naughty lot, preferring “dark rooms”, bathrooms and parties to the good old fashioned bedroom. • In a car – 50% • At a party – 50% • At work – 12% • In a bathroom – 70% • In a park – 50% • In a dark room – 65% • At an orgy – 16% • In front of a camera – 21%

TOP 10 THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING SEX 10. Dad!?! 9. I lost my penis piercing! 8 Now I know why he dumped you... 7. God, I'm glad that was over quickly, I really have to take a shit. 6. I hope you don't mind, I've video taped this. 5. Can I clean my knob on your curtains? 4. Can We Just Pretend That Didn't Happen? 3. What's that smell? 2 Wait, you're alive?!? 1. I'm Only 14 !!!!!!!!

ARRGH, shiver me timber! Or Why It's The Wood That Makes It Good in Portsmouth Historic Dockyard Any sailor worth it's salt will tell you that conflict brings men together. A billboard advertising historic tours in Portsmouth Dockyard has recently pulled off its advertisement billboard as being too 'graphic and suggestive'. Managing Director of the Portsmouth Historic Dockyard Robert Bruce stated that, 'We are surprised and quite intrigued by the sudden burst of interest generated in this advertisement.' Such 'innocent' double entendre is also found in the American country and western singer Kenny Roger's chain of restaurant opened in the UK recently. The banner reads 'Kenny Rogers Chickens', followed by the sub-banner of 'It's The Wood That Makes It Good!'

TOP 10 PAID MOVIE ACTORS 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

Mel Gibson ($30m) - Lethal Weapon 4 Leonardo DiCaprio ($40m) - Titanic Tom Hanks ($40m) - Saving Private Ryan Jack Nicholson ($60m) - Batman Tom Cruise ($70m) - Mission Impossible Tom Hanks ($70m) - Forrest Gump Tom Cruise ($92m) - Mission Impossible 2 Tom Cruise ($100m) - War of the Worlds Bruce Willis ($100m) - The Sixth Sense Keanu Reeves ($206m) - Matrix Trilogy

BEST OF THE WEB Here are ten cool vids from the net. They range from the cute to the outright gory. 1. http://www.sickipedia.org 2. http://encyclopediadramatica.com 3. Retarded Policeman. Look for it on Youtube. 4. Chow's on. http://www.filecabi.net/video/730655a133d9.html 5. Skateboarder's got balls. http://www.filecabi.net/video/4b4a3dd891.html 6. Thump-di-thump-di-thump. http://www.filecabi.net/video/d665fcd2f6e7.html 7. Vandalism Karma. http://www.filecabi.net/video/vandalism-karma.html 8. A day out with the parents. http://www.filecabi.net/video/russianmummaflip.html 9. Good samaritans. http://www.filecabi.net/video/cf212b319611.html 10. A little day dreaming can take you a long way. http://www.filecabi.net/video/h264640480.html 36

Useless Fact:

It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Robert Bruce goes on to state that 'You should look out for our next series of advertisements which will inspire you to come and SEE THE STORY of the great attractions that are Portsmouth Historic Dockyard!' Be on the lookout for Jolly Roger in Portsmouth.

Txt in the city Hyan – Fitlads

Fitlads Mobile is a great way to grab your Fitlads messages on the run. Whether you're at work or killing time on the bus, you can now access your Fitlads profile through your mobile phone!

This is not your usual crap of all hype and no balls. Fitlads Mobile was designed specifically for

mobile phones and blokes on the run. Meet real guys, wherever you are in the city. Starbucks.

www.fitladsmobile.co.uk

On the train. Waiting in a queue. It doesn't matter. The power's yours.

Useless Fact:

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.

37

Some 2,000 GLBT people staged pride marches in the Indian cities of Calcutta, Bangalore and Delhi June 29 – the first such parades in the latter two cities. About 500 people marched in Calcutta, 700 in the high-tech city of Bangalore and about 800 in Delhi.

a i d n I n i T B L G By REX WOCKNER

Calcutta Bangalore Delhi

"When the pride started (in Delhi), there were about 100 people and it looked like we were outnumbered by the media and the police," said correspondent Vikram Doctor. "By the time we started (marching), though... more and more people were coming along and getting attached to the end. I was walking back and forth, trying to help with media requests, and I got a sense of how large it was growing when I realized in addition to the main group carrying the flag upfront, there was a second large group behind with placards and doing dances -- and then a really large group of stragglers behind." Calcutta's seventh parade focused heavily on Section 377, the Indian law that bans gay sex under penalty of up to 10 years in prison. A court case, now at a crucial phase, could see the law "read down" so it no longer applies to consensual adult gay sex. "India continues to stigmatize its transgender, kothi, hijra, gay, lesbian, bisexual and other communities of marginalized sexualities and genders," organizers said. "Section 377 ... encroaches upon a person's democratic rights, goes against the spirit of the Indian Constitution and impedes life-saving sexual health work among sexual minorities." The parade was part of Rainbow Pride Week, which also featured movies, a photo exhibit, a panel discussion and a candlelight memorial for people lost to anti-gay abuse or HIV. "Clearly, Indian sexual minorities are not going to settle for status quo and are garnering support from different stakeholders, media included, in their struggle to be free from discrimination, receive respect from all sections of society, and function as equal participants in a progressive and democratic India," organizers said at the parade's conclusion. The Queer Media Collective issued a statement saying that GLBT people in India today find themselves at about the same point U.S. gays were when the first pride parades began in 1970. "LGBT people face a lot of harassment from the police," the group said. "Lesbians are subject to violence and even forced to commit suicide by their families. Gay men are blackmailed by organized rackets that involve members of the police. Bisexuals are denied the chance to express same-sex love and forced into opposite-sex marriages. Transgenders are routinely arrested and raped by the police. Same-sex couples who have lived together for years cannot buy a house together, have a joint bank account or will their property to each other without being challenged by their families. ... Today in 2008, Queer Pride goes national as a sign that the time for national change has come."

38

Useless Fact:

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

Terrence Higgins Trust Launches 'Gay Britain' website and leaflets for migrant gay men On 8 September, Terrence Higgins Trust (THT) is launching 'Gay Britain', a programme of work to help migrant gay and bisexual men who have moved to England and Wales stay safe and well, while getting the most out of living here. A new website www.chapsonline.org.uk/gaybrit ain and a set of leaflets in six languages have been produced that include information on HIV and sexual health, as well as a guide to staying safe on the 'scene', information on how to access healthcare and benefits, information on immigration issues and where to learn English. Evidence suggests that migrant gay men are at risk of HIV and other sexually transmitted infections (STIs) not simply because of a lack of awareness and knowledge, but because of other social and economic factors relating to their

migration. According to research conducted by Sigma Research this is particularly true for those with lower educational qualifications and little knowledge of English.[1] Marc Thompson, Deputy Head of Health Promotion at THT said "Some gay men come to the UK to escape homophobia and abuse and to live a more liberated life. But when they get here they find things are more difficult than they expected. Problems with the language, finding work and affordable accommodation, as well as new-found sexual liberation and the highly sexualised nature of the gay scene can leave men vulnerable to picking up or passing on HIV and other STIs. The website and leaflets aim to give men who are new to the UK the information and contacts they need to stay safe and adjust to life in Gay Britain."

The pocket sized leaflets have been produced in English, French, Italian, Polish, Portuguese and Spanish. They can be downloaded from the Gay Britain website or ordered by emailing Andie Dyer at THT on [email protected] As well as the information for gay men, THT has produced a 'Scene but unseen' resource pack. This pack is aimed at people working with gay men or in the sexual health sector who may have migrant clients or service users. 'Gay Britain' is a CHAPS campaign, funded by the Department of Health. CHAPS is a partnership of communitybased organisations, coordinated by THT, which carry out HIV health promotion work with gay men in England and Wales.

s e h c n u la t s ru T s in g ig H Terrence ia b o h p o m o h g n ti e rg ta n ig a p cam in families Terrence Higgins Trust has launched a campaign today against homophobia within families. The 'Family Matters' campaign is targeted primarily at mothers and aims to highlight how homophobia can harm the whole family.

Marc Thompson, Deputy Head of Health Promotion at Terrence Higgins Trust said "Having a son or daughter come out as gay can be shocking or worrying, but there is support out there. By helping families cope, talk and avoid friction we hope to reduce the physical and mental damage that can be caused by estrangement. Keeping the family together is what matters."

When a child is excluded from the family or exposed to anti-gay hostility they are more likely to experience depression, self harm or attempt suicide. Education can suffer and there is potential for loss of contact between the child and the family. Homophobia can also lead to low self esteem, a factor that can influence sexual risk taking and the likelihood of acquiring HIV.

The new campaign includes advertising in women's magazines and a website www.tht.org.uk/familymatters as well as confidential support via THT Direct on 0845 12 21 200. Terrence Higgins Trust is working with FFLAG (Friends and Family of Lesbians and Gays) on the campaign. FFLAG is dedicated to supporting parents and their gay, lesbian or bisexual sons and daughters. It can also put parents in touch with local parent support groups.

The campaign specifically targets mothers as they frequently act as a catalyst for change within a family. Mothers might also be

The Family Matters campaign is funded by the Department of Health as part of the CHAPS programme.

40

Useless Fact:

In a lifetime, an average human produces 10,000 gallons of saliva.

Chat, meet and play at

able to build bridges between gay children and other family members who are struggling to accept the situation.

GET THE

PARTY STARTED WIT H

.net

FITLADS PARTIES Meet wild and outrageous Fitlads members in the flesh at Fitlads Parties around the country.

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Mingle and sweet-talk the hot bods in one of our venues in Manchester, Blackpool and Club X in Cardiff where lads from around the country converge to for a night of throbbing music and exhilarating atmosphere. Entrance before 12am is free to premium members. Next party dates: Essential, Manchester - 3rd october, free before midnight with voucher Please check Fitlads for latest dates. Don't miss out!

42

Useless Fact:

Approximately one out of four injuries by athletes involve the wrist and hand.

Useless Fact:

xxxxxxxxxx

XX

Muscle size does matter. How big your muscle is as important as to how much (or little) you should train it. Vanity aside, be honest in gauging just how muscly you really are. If you're skinny and rippled, you are not muscly, but just defined. If you bulge out and look massive, with a fat index off the chart, you are not muscly, but just a fat porker. Flex. Dig through the flab and touch the hard muscle beneath. That will tell you just how big your muscle really is. And like me a few years ago, you'll be shocked just how little bulk there really is.

Muscle Fibres. There are

FITLADS FITNESS Well, well, well. You've come back for another grueling punishment from Sergeant MuscleFarm. Good. If you've followed the Top Ten Tips from Fitlad's Issue 1 on How To Burn Fat, then at this point, you should have left your flabby arse on the floor and be razor cut. What follows is a bit technical but easily mastered. This is an all natural, steroid-free, approach to packing on extra muscle that'll make you look like a bursting sack of spuds in a t-shirt. Though every lad out there has a different body type, there are some basic muscle growing principals that apply to muscle heads to great results. If you're serious about the bulge, pay attention and read on... Let's get a basic understanding of what makes a muscle grow. Muscle grows because of stress. Think of a muscle as a water balloon. Every time you pump water into it, it expands a little further each time. It's no different with muscle. You pump it with blood, the fibre walls stretch and over time – grow. This is why it's called pumping iron. 44

Useless Fact:

two type of muscle fibres in your body. Slow-twitcher, and fast-twichers. The slowtwitcers are none-explosive and take time to warm up. They are long in fibre and used for long-haul stress. Marathon runners are riddled with slow-twitch fibres. These fibres don't bulk easily, which is why marathon runners don't have pillar-sized legs. Fast-twitchers on the other hand are shorter and explosive. They're the powerhouse of brute force. They explode fast, but also die out early. And this here is a big clue as to why reps/sets and muscle size are important in to how you train. Being short and explosive, fast-twitcher are prone to bulk, as found on powerlifters and bodybuilders.

Enough theory. Now the nuts and bolts. Here's what it really boils down to: when bulking up, reps and sets have to be tayloured specifically to how big or little your muscle is. The rule of thump is the bigger the muscle the more sets it needs, (within a set parametre which I'll explain in a moment).

Mass murderer Charles Manson recorded an album entitled "Lie."

What are big muscles? Legs, chest, and back. The small muscles are biceps and triceps. Calves, forearms and abs have a special category, since these are used all the time for running away from the 'ol Bill, wanking, bending and breathing. They are harder to blast and grow. As you now know, fasttwitch muscles explode quickly, but generally have no endurance, and therefore burn out sooner. You can activate them through a manageable but heavy weight, in a fast and explosive manner. Here is a breakdown of how many sets/reps that you actually need to blast a muscle properly without overtraining it. For large muscles; chest, legs, and back, no more then 5-6 sets of 10-12 reps will do the job nicely. For smaller muscles, 4 sets of 10-12 reps will kill the muscle right and proper. Abs, calves and forearms need no more than 3-4 sets of 15-20 reps! And that's it. The only way to really boost your ab size is to burn fat. Abs take a long time and lots of dedicated work to bulge into olympic size cobble stones. We are talking years here. However, a good fuck session does wonders for the lower abs too. The next important factor is weight. The correct weight for a particular muscle group is a tough first set in which you can reach 10 reps. The last set should be hard and done to failure at a 7-9 range. That's when you know you have the right weight for the right muscle. If you manage to do all sets at all reps, then add 5% of your overall weight to your next session. Speed of execution is crucial in how your muscle responds to training.

Explode the weight away from you (don't jerk, but push out in a controlled but aggressive fashion) and drop the weight back down, then explode, drop, explode. Don't do a 1 count pushing out, and then a 3 count on the negative side, that just burns your muscle out too soon. Though there is something to be said for 'negative' reps, this comes later once you have to bulk to deal with them. Explode, drop, explode. Try it, it works. And one last thing about muscles. A confused muscle is our friend. When a muscle is confused and under stress (by confused I mean it hasn't adapted to your gym routine) then it forces itself to adapt, and it adapts by growing to meet the demands of a load of weight.

Here's another rule of thumb; never do the same exercise twice. If today you're doing biceps barbell curls, next session do hammer curls instead, and then next, do preacher curls. This variation will force your muscle to grow. Beware of overtraining, which is easily done. It manifests itself as fatigue, loss of appetite, mood swings, and idleness. Overtraining prevents the muscle from growing, and sometimes even shrinks it. Avoid overtraining by taking a week or two off, sleep lots, eat well and find yourself a hobby outside the gym.

What you eat is very important too. Eat shit and you'll look like shit. You need five things in your diet. Protein. Carbohydrates. Vitamins and minerals and fat? What, fat!?!? Yes. I'll come back to that in a moment. Instead of 3 meals a day, sparse out into 5-7 smaller meals a day. This will keep your body saturated with proteins -- the building blocks of mucles. Each portions should have

Useless Fact:

white meat (prots that repair and grow your muscle) roughly the size of the back of your fist; accompanied with the same size portion of rice or potatoes (carbs for energy), a salad (vits and minerals) with a little olive oil (your fat to oil your joints). If you follow this, you'll bulk out quickly.

biceps curls, triceps extensions, squats, and push ups. You'd be amazed what you can actually achieve with just a backpack and a door frame. Think about the basic mechanics of how to blast your muscles and think of creative ways to simulate it that at home.

Swarzenenger, the poster child for steroid use, believed that you could put on a stone of lean muscle mass a year just by training well and eating well. My gains have averaged out at about 7-9 pounds a year. Eat before and immediately after training and then an hour after that, then fall back on your normal schedule.

If you are unsure about the proper mechanics of lifting a weigh, check out Lee Priest, or any other muscle bound freak on YouTube, and examine closely where they put their hands, the speed of execution, the angle of flex, and the Lilliputian, steroid-ridden pimple lump in their shorts. That's another reason why not to do steroids -- it shrinks your bollocks to a stub.

Only do cardio on your off days to burn off the excess calories you're consuming, never on your training days. Since your muscle is mostly made of water, drinking water is essential to nurturing your muscle fibres and to helping your system digest all that food you're eating. Drink a pint before and after each meal, for all five meals! Can't join a gym because you're broke? No problem. Get a backpack, drop in a couple of weights, books, or water bottles and this can be used as basic weights for

burns during your training, you must stop immediately and walk away. Injuries are nefarious little bastards that hang around if not rested immediately. In a nutshell, eat well, train well; eat lots, train lots and stick with it. Don't be that guy who's always talking and posing in the mirror at the gym. Go in, work hard, get out quickly. This will keep your motivation level high. If nothing else -- this will give you a stone-hard arse that'll crack wallnuts between butt cheeks.

...Keep at it. Write in to [email protected] to let me know how you are getting on.

Did you know that muscle doesn't grow in the gym but in your bed? The gym tears down the muscle and sleep nits the fibres back up into increasingly bigger fibres, using the prots, minerals vits and you have eaten just before going to bed. So a good, untroubled night sleep is where all the muscle growth actually happens. In the morning, you should have a fuller, hydrated look. It goes without saying that if anything pings, stings and

Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian, and had only ONE testicle.

45

e a shine to et up with someone that we tak Well, most of us are bound to me having a find them drop dead gorgeous, sooner or later, no? Be it that we e to go eon g, a soul mate, or even just som strong interest in the same thin easy enough though? Wrong… out and have a drink with. Sounds quite they’ve had terrible meet-ups is The number of people who say t. Rather to worry, practice makes perfec phenomenal these days, but not er, trust king all men are as bad each oth than getting pessimistic and thin me, they’re not! ple, bad experiences of meeting peo and d goo of re sha our had all We’ve c) I’ve not s and (without being too egoisti heck, even I’ve had a few bad one my top 10 a big learning curve, so here are had many bad ones! But it’s all nce. e a good and enjoyable experie hints for making meeting someon

1 Authenticity! Make sure they’re actually who they say they are one way or another. The last thing you want is to go and meet someone perfect in looks from the pictures then they turn out to be the complete opposite! This is (in my eyes) the biggest downfall in meeting up with people, but even pictures can be deceiving – beware! (Although, a few of you lucky ones will land a real catch, so bear that in mind as well) 2

Get to know the person. Now, what good is meeting someone when you know nothing about them?! (unless it’s for a quick shag, of course…!) There’s nothing worse than going to meet someone and not having a single thing to talk about and not knowing what to say. You never know, you might share a strong interest in something no matter how remote it might be! But remember, not everyone is after a quickie, so leave that as an afterthought – not all gays are the same y’know!

3

Where to go. Well, this depends entirely on what you both enjoy doing! Going out to the clubs/bars in either hometown (especially if the other hasn’t been out there before), grabbing a coffee in Starbucks, a nice meal in Pizza Hut, a wander around the Lake District, who knows! But it’d be best to discuss such activities before you go out the front door! For you summer guys, a beach would be ideal!

4 What to wear. This will depend entirely on where you go. You’d be stupid to wear a full-blown £500 suit to play volleyball on Weston-super-Mare beach, nor would you wear Hawaiian shorts and sandals to go for a quiet meal at Café Rouge! Find out what you’re doing first, then decide on something you’re perfectly comfortable with wearing without going too over the top! (Unless, of course, you’re going out for a neon rave, then go nuts!)

6 How to react. The best way would be to just take it on the chin and go with it no matter how much in shock you are about whoever you just met. If you want rid, be polite and kind about it. It sucks to know someone just made a runner on you for some unknown reason! You wouldn’t want that, would you? On the other hand, being like an excitable kid wouldn’t go down well either…play it coooooool! 7 When it gets going. Easiest approach – go along with it all. Stay calm, cool and collected while having fun, which is the most important thing. Relax, you have nothing to worry about. Planning what you do kind of takes the fun away from it all, though obviously, if it needs it, do it! 8 If the going gets tough…Ok so it’s getting awkward, what do you do? Try and spark up a conversation about something meaningful rather than trying to continue with mindless chitchat. Or find something that could be a big distraction in order to break up the tension. Try and have a few conversation starters up your sleeve - there's nothing worse than dead air. 9

After all the madness. Well…what next? Keep in touch with them! Assuming you want to and it wasn’t a disaster that is. Ask them what they thought, how they felt, if they want to do something else again. But if it gets into pestering…well, that isn’t a good thing! It’s always a bummer that someone you meet doesn’t keep in touch. Don’t let that happen to you!

10

BE YOURSELF! This can’t possibly be stressed enough! DO NOT try and be someone that you’re not, otherwise you’ll be liked for something you’re not, and then it’ll be an act all your life. Who can honestly say they can do that for the end of time? If they can’t like you for who you are, then they ain’t worth your time.

5 What to say. Regardless where it is, be it online, in a café or in a club, the worst thing to ever mention is the subject of ex partners or shags. No one wants to listen to someone rant Much love guys, about how crap they were. Talk about something with meaning and happy meeting! and intelligence throwing in a bit of wit and humour or even some randomness. No matter how negative you may feel Chris (a.k.a. id:LesAdieux) about getting back into the dating game, nobody wants to meet a misery - be happy! Apart from that, go with the flow of the conversation! 46 Useless Fact: The national sport of Japan is sumo wrestling.

id: LesAdieux

The Ultimate Guide To Meeting!