Drafted To Perfection

THIS BOOK IS FOR

This book is For all those who have the courage to ask themselves the most difficult question of all “Who Am I?”.This book is for all those people who know Pain any kind of pain …. This book is for all those people who have the courage to stand out and seek their own paths in life ….. DISCLAIMER There is no real life Sunayna Saran she is just my answer to the ideal match question on Orkut…..which I could only answer through this book…and yes Samasth Mukherjee is not me for all I know..and he is me for all I know..The book is meant to be an entertainer not an Auto-Biography…..so read it accordingly..

PROLOGUE It was over ….the peaceful emptiness of the college stood out like an exclamation mark in my mind. We stood there … seeing the breeze blow away the Lipstick stained Pleistocene cup. A few minutes of silence later I said what I had been dying to say. “I love you Ms.Sunayna Saran.” The sentence was calm and almost emotionless. Like a fact being stated.” I know that Mr.Mukherjee, tell me something else.” After few more moments of silence she spoke.“Why did you make me wait so long? It’s almost been a year since …”the sentence hung wistfully in the air, I completed it “……..Since I proposed to you and you said you just saw me as a friend …what is with girls? You like the guy and you still want to be” just friends” ….what if I just went away when you said you did not feel anything for me.??.” “I knew that you wont…………….…… you still haven’t told me the reason …… why did you make me wait so much? “ “…..Because when you said a very abrupt no to me and even went to the extent of saying that you were sorry that you ever met me. It hurt …very badly …… and I think I needed to find myself before I said these three words again.” She looked at me for a long time then she proceeded to kiss me on the cheek…and after she moved away I could still feel it burning on my cheek,,,,,, I felt like a child all again. “My Mission accomplished ….this seems to be my biggest accomplishment in life ….getting the incorrigible Samasth Mukherjee to reform …Miracles do Happen it seems!!”There was a joy in her beautiful eyes which seemed to come from the relief of letting go of long held back emotion. “.You know what?! Looking back I feel like ive just lived through a movie. Too filmi for reality!!” “Truth is always stranger than fiction sweetheart.” “Is it?”

“It is …write a book or something about it …I promise at least ‘I’ will read it!”she said with a mischievious grin. “Now that is my dear what people call a PJ.” “No I am serious…” “Ok then...” “I love You” She said that and walked off with that graceful gait of hers.As she drove off in her truck sized SUV a vague feeling of fear rose up in me for the life of Delhi’s pedestrians.

I shrugged and looked up.Standing all alone in the ground it was just me and The never ending peacefulness of the CLEAR BLUE SKY.

1 _____________

“ NO ONE DARES,NO ONE CARES”

“Hello Dilli, main bol raha hoon Ulta Pulta Nitin aur aaj hamare saath studio mein hain Rakhiji jinhone abhi abhi ek aur sansani khej video release kiya hain “ kiskis kis ki kismet”. “Ji main abhi se saare darshakon ko batana chahati hun ki is gaane ka us mika ke pappi se kuch lena dena nahi hain ,main ek bharatiya nari hoon aur mere mein poori sanskriti aur vulture zinda hain “. “Rakhi ji aap ka matlab hain culture “. “Haan vahi vahi ,main bas yeh kehna chahati hoon ki main koi bhi aisa ashleel kaam nahi karoongi jisse mere chahane vaalon ko thes pahuche aur jis mein hamari bharti sanskriti ka abhimaan ho.”. Nearly swallowing the Listerine I was gargling I listened very closely to nitin on FM.I always did. He was after all, as I had been told, a CBS pass out.Like I was Going(hoping?) to Be. But I am getting ahead of my story. I am Samasth Mukherjee or Sam as I am referred to by those near me. Various others with whom I have had some association call me by other names which I shall chose not to disclose for the fear of corrupting the innocents who are reading this book. If you are not innocent and reading it you are already familiar with these terms and hence no need to mention them. My life story is a comedy of horrors. What then makes it so interesting you say, that I need to tell u about it?Basically, Nothing! But we all love a good story don’t we?? As always I have no clue as to from where to begin so I will begin from the day I entered this concentration camp called CBS. First a basic introduction to the “Shaheed Sukhdev College of Business Studies” Although ten thousand students take its exam every year nobody has a clue to what the college is about, apart from the students and teachers. To highlight the ignorance about the college I recall a situation which happened a day after me and my best buddy Jay got into the college. We went to tell ( He has of course progressed forward since then in this field of research)

And me tagging along, as always, as extra baggage Tall at Six Feet One as compared to Jays five foot six height and with freckles in abundance I did not aspire for the things Jay had, most girls were too short for me . Talking about height why the f***( innocents do not enquire) do people sell those height increasing devices so that whatever chance people have with girls is gone? Anyway, since I am the person behind most incidents in this book you will of course need an accurate description of me so that you can visualize the flow of the story better. As described by Gautama (not the Buddha) “Samasth Mukherjee is a person who could model for one of those Fairness cream ads. That is if you removed his gazillion pimples. The guy is considerably tall, which is a pity since most beautiful girls in India arent that tall. Belongs to the category I call the”hybrids”, born to a Bengali Father and a Kashmiri mother. The guy inherits his mother’s eyes .Yes, they are the only features worth looking at. They are greenish in colour. And at the risk of sounding philosophical I must say they are the most honest eyes I have ever seen. Nevertheless, green eyes in a dark guy is a strange sight, a scary sight at times also …the guy could find lifetime employment with the Ramsay brothers …is considerably muscular with proper cuts et all but the irony is even a class two child could come up and thrash him…Hair gel companies practically run on his finance …wears all kinds of weird wristbands and the most hilarious sight is when he rides his bike. There is a definite resemblance to a camel on a tri-cycle… ”. This was where he stopped being generous with the description, what followed is not worth saying or hearing. We reached Jays destination at his girls home in GK 1. On entering her home we were confronted with her rather nosy grandfather( or was it great grandfather?) Boy, the guy looked like just like someone had picked him up from a thousand years ago and put him into the modern times . “Beta kaise ho” “Ji uncle thik hoon!” replied Jay with a wide smile and enthusiasm akin to as if he had just met scarlett johanssen. “Ji main bhi thik hoon Mr.ONeal.” In my usual flat monotonous tones.As I pondered about the possibility of his ever having experienced youth I mean I thought to myself what would they say when he dies …he was an old man he was born old lived old and died old mayhe find a good oldage home in heaven to live in, his next question brought me back to ground Zero

“Beta where hab you got admeeshan” “”ji uncle ham dono ka admission CBS me hua hain!” The pride in his voice was unmistakable.HE could have talking about SRCC from his tones. “CVS mein??! wahi sheik sarai wala!” “Nahi uncle shahdara wala.” The gloom in his voice was unmistakable. “Yeh kaha hain? meine toh aaj tak iska naam nahi sunna.” “Ji uncle metro station ke paas jo hain.” “ Acha,Vivekananda college ka naam badal diya hai kya??”The desperation in jays voice was clear now.Trying to get this relic to understand that CBS was a premier college was futile. “nahi uncle yeh doosra college hain.“ Mr O’neil looked unconvinced.“Thik hain beta yeh batao course kya hain” “BFIA” “BA final year?? abhi toh tumne bataya ki first year mein ho, abh keh rahe ho BAfinal ,confpheuj lag rahe ho beta” “BFIA matlab Bachelors in finance and investment analysis.” His voice indicated that he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. luckily, just then Meenakshi( or was it Rina? I never caught her name, always too busy ogling you see) came down and rescued us.

So this is the general level of awareness about CBS. Anyway it is located in Shahdara. I guess in Shahdara because all those people that the college tortures into insanity by its workload are sent to the nearby asylum or “Shahdara ka Paagalkhana” as it is called. It is convenient you see, optimum use of scarce resources .Coming to scarce resources for all CBSites scarce resources are a way of life .Let me begin with the infrastructure (or the lack of it). The canteen at first glance looks like it is the refuge for all the rats in East Delhi.With the variety one finds an enterprising person could easily open a vermin meuseum here. It could be the set for stuart little though none of them are nearly as adorable and there are too man stuarts for ones liking . The menu is not very delectable either, with the most notable victim being our ex-principal Mr.Shyam Gopal Verma who once went down for a week due to food poisoning after eating the food cooked in the canteen. For a week the students

celebrated like freed prisoners of war and for the first time the canteen was actually praised. Then comes the building, which to be precise was an old school building. We pretended that it was like the Hogwarts castle, which was essential to our sanity. The college has a lawn from where you can tell which season it is. If the grass is long then winter, if short then its summer and if no grass then its spring time( beginning of the session you see)because that’s the time they decide to take the lawnmower out of its cobwebs and harvest the grass. The worst part are the loo’s, which look more like an archaeological site where excavation work is being carried out .. Now that I have praised the college enough let me proceed to give my insights on the people of the college and my experiences there, which is of course what the whole book is about . I got somehow into this extremely prestigious institution. MIRACLES HAPPEN( but then. Shit happens too). But hey miracles also need hard work or acts of insanity in my case. CBS has an entrance exam where out of 10,000 only about 81 are selected to suffer it. The entrance exam as such is not difficult but cracking it is not that easy either so the modus operandi employed by me was the most insane one anyone has employed till date.I went and attempted all the questions in a simple random pattern, I played snakes and ladder on the OMR sheet with the sections to whose answers I did not know ……out of four sections the sections in which ignorance was not bliss turned out to be three.The only savior being English, in the rest the I was clueless. I remember I had ticked George Bush as being the prime minister of Iraq in the examination paper, that’s how good or how bad was my general awareness, Reasoning was somewhat more excruciating. I mean I had to decode things (What is this?? The Da Vinci code or something??). Maths was the most hilarious. I got this question, a sitter according to many people …what is 2+2 ? a) 4 b)IV c)5 d)none of these Guess what I answered …nope not option b I was dumber than that. Thinking that there must be some trick in the question I opted for option d .The answer however as Sunayna informed me is a and not b because

the answer will have to be in the same form as the variables in the question…whatever that means. I went on to attempt all 150 questions and it seems now that it worked. (Statutory warning: please do not try this at the entrance exam.) So…. miracles do happen…

DAY ONE 0900 HRS I am supposed to be in college but I am still here brushing my teeth.Then I proceed to apply some gel to my extremely well maintained hair while still listening to the radio. I proceed to dress up as if going on the date of my life. I drive my avenger which my extremely generous dad has gifted me upon getting into CBS ,extremely rashly in the hohollum of East Delhi, full of buses cows ,dogs ,rickshaws and everything else under the sun .I reach college twenty minutes late . Just when I was climbing the stairs a white ambassador zoomed in. Out of the ambassador came a man who as I remembered at the right time was our principal LADIES AND GENTLEMEN PRESENTING SHYAM GOPAL VERMA (No relation to Ram gopal verma) Height: 6”2 (seems 7 when he’s angry at you) Weight: unknown, but the hand weighs a ton. Felt it when he pampered my cheeks for a naughty act. Age: unknown, just know that he is on an extension which never seems to run out. His tombstone will probably read “ ran out of extensions”. Hobbies: Disciplining the chaotic world around him even the mosquitoes..a sample-once a mosquitoe bit him ..he said to it never do that again in the morning come in the evening when you are supposed to ever since that

mosquitoe has been biting him dutifully everyday(boy why can we not think of such ingenious solutions) Favorite book : Mein Kampf Favorite movie: Was Mohabbatein until the scene where amitabh bachan breaks down his rigid ways. Appearance: Wears the same safari suit everyday which is sometimes grey and at other times… grey. Believes that he looks like Clint Eastwood in it. Extremely friendly appearance at first, But BE WARNED, this is just a cover for an extremely mean nature inside. Nickname: Shaamu from the hindi word shamat which means doom Pet word: Discipline Turn ons: Discipline Turn offs: Indiscipline From his past relationships he learnt: Discipline First thing you will notice about him: Discipline Ringtone on his cell:Left Right Left In his bedroom you will find :A picture of Hitler giving him polio drops when he was young(supposedly some other kid is there in the pic but he insists it was he only) The bottom-line being…. even the Taliban ran a much more compassionate administration. This is just the basic info you need to understand his beautiful nature as the book proceeds. “Hey you” A voice that would strike terror into the hearts of the guilty cried out. “Yes sir “ was my meek reply. “Where are you going “ “Sir to the Eco class” “What time is it?” I proceeded to peer into his ancient Hmt watch .I had forgotten to wear mine. “Sir Nine thirty four if your watch is accurate” Sometimes you know that you have said something which you will regret for the rest of your life and maybe afterlife too. This was one of those sometimes… “So you have a tongue haan?? I will teach you what breaking the discipline means”

“ Suresh.. “ he called out. Like an ever loyal circuit to Munnabhai came the man running( he seemed to come out of thin air) “Ji sir??” “Satinder se kaho to call this persons parents, I want to talk to them” Boom. The bomb fell like it did on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, cowing the Japanese into submission. “Sorry sir!!” I found myself saying. “No sorries here!! “ “Sorry sir”I said again But He was gone like Attila the hun after raveging one land and moving unto another. Welcome to Cbs, I thought glumly. Jay skipped for the fear of first day ragging. His fears turned out to be baseless. In the break came some seniors ready to rag the fachhas They came, they saw, they went back. No ragging Reports came that one guy was ragged in the whole college by being forced to … this was just a rumour ………… The guy was….. hold your breath…… here it comes….he was asked to sing Kajrare. I do not know what the implication of this is in most normal colleges but in ours it was as huge as the Watergate Scandal. Ladies and gentlemen this is CBS… Shaamuland…. and ragging is a crime meriting capital punishment. The break was an one hour, so me and Rahul a guy who coached with me for the entrance proceeded outside .Rahul said he needed some company to go and drink in the sarkari Wine shop at ram nagar.I am not a habitual drinker but free booze to drown the sorrow of my parents being called was irresistible .We promptly reached the shop and started the extravaganza. Normally the choice is beer, for me, it never kicks hard, but the bastard bought an Old Monk and we proceeded like the occasion was new years ,Xmas,Eid ,Diwali all rolled into one until we reached a stage where the Laws of Gravity started seemed inaplicable. Rahul dropped me back to the college and went home. After climbing the stairs of the college I felt like Edmund Hillary .I Reached the class and unable to bear the dizziness put my head down and went to sleep .

This is what people say happened next. In came the teacher Ms sheetal Sharma and Started teaching with full gusto.One of those teachers who took attendance in theEnd . As I was sitting behind the Giant Surd Harpreet i escaped her view for some time. She continued teaching The Fundamaentals of Economics while I snored away . I guess she was happy to have such an enthusiastic class, but like they say you cannot have everything. “Hey you the boy in the striped shirt” Harpreet jolted me awake. “Sam” “Sam” “uh unhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……….” “Whats your name “ “What” “Whats your name??” came her voice. “Samasth mam” came mine. “Tell me the law of demand which I have just taught.” “Mam…….. which subject are you teaching???” “ What??? “ I always wanted droopy eyes like Sanjay Dutt, Guess god gave them to me at that very moment” “Are you drunk??” I Do not wish to recall what happened next. All you need to know is I got a two week suspension and that is after my father pleaded with Shamu not to throw me out.

I have faint memories of the facchha party. Here is an eye witness account “You Moron can you never be on bloody time?” Prateeksha lashed out at me. “I am sorry” “Sorry? Hah !! You nutcase we have been waiting for half an hour.” “I had some work to do.” Came my lame excuse. “Work to do like …I guess applying the whole tube of Gel to Your hair.” “Chuck it Prateeksha “Hrehaan jumped in and saved me from having to admit the truth. I looked around at the monstrous sized SUV of Gautama, half a dozen people packed in like Sardines …Prateeksha ,Nitika,Hrehaan ,Siddhi ,Vishy his girlfriend from the BFIA whose name I did not know then and on the last seat a guy who I did not know well but whose name went something like Jaskaran Jalota. With him sat a girl who at the word go intrigued me.she looked tall, about five six with straight hair.That was all ok but it was her smile that finally got me. Her slow smile like the gradual rising of the sun.(there you go,my worst enemy wouldn’t call me poetic but this was what she did to me).Anyway the whole point was this, she was stunning. Not hot stunning, but graceful stunning.Jalota looked like he was her bodyguard with the way he was behaving. “Dude who is this sitting with Jalota? “I whispered to Hrehaan. “Sunayna Saran the person with the highest aggregate in class 12 to get admission into CBS. from the exotic islands of Fiji she is the daughter of some expatriate who used to be a big chicken farmer but now has chose to settle in his motherland and run some bloody business, don’t know what....has sent her to her relatives here. Somewhere in Model Town. Anyway the point is she is way out of your league, do not even think about her “he whispered back.Gautama jumped into the party. “Hrehaan the point isn’t this caricature hooking up with her, think long term man”….. said Gautama audibly. “Long Term?? As in….”Hrehaan pondered aloud “Imagine if they marry their kid would look like …An overstretched penguin!!” Gautama had the good sense to keep this part inaudible but then …Ouch it hurt(for the innocents he was hinting at the genetics of the parents of the overstretched penguin and if you innocents still donot get it then…) I dropped any thoughts I was entertaining.

This entourage of ours proceeded towards some pub in South Delhi which was to be the venue of our Faccha party . Now I will tell you why Faccha parties are held in our college. It is because of one single reason, there will always be this group of third years who dontt have enough money to buy grass…… so what do they do?? …Voila they come up with a plan to organize a faccha party where once you reach the pub you realize the pub is more like a converted box car ….the space for dancing is as much as there is space in a mumbai local train and that is giving a generous comparison. As I have noticed a Faccha party is where you see people in their true natures. It was the first time I saw Nitika, for example, in an altogether different avatar dancing with such wild abandon that she proceeded to bump into the little boy siddhi who went flying across the dance floor. This was just a trailer of what was to come. I saw for the first time guys who had not smoked flashing Cigars which I shrewdly guessed were the Vanilla Flavoured one,s sold at roadside stalls. People getting high with one Vodka shot, Fat out of shape girls wearing short skirts. Guys who did not have money brought their own bottles in the boots of their cars and had their pegs their and came back to dance(and I thought outsourcing was passé`).One huge phenomena was pairs being formed and that too randomly and the scary fact was those pairs tended to last. I saw Fern(yes rumour was that his parents were botany professors that’s why the name) Luthra being asked by some skinny girl. Fern being the despo he was took his chance. I did not jump into the Chaos just because of the reason that all the pairs that were formed they were between second year guys and first year girls or between second year girls and first year guys …The people in our college were suckers for “mature people. “. To top it all due to a paucity of girls most of the guys had to make do with well……….guys. At first I did not join into the chaos I just sat there and pretended to sip a tequila shot which since i had observed that I cannot handle alcohol was filled with plain mineral water. Nevertheless when Kritika came onto the dance floor. I could not resist so I started making some weird gestures which was my interpretation of dancing, so that in few rotations I would be near Kritika, the monica belluci of our class. I mean first there is hot, and then there is hot.Kritika was hot, the latter one. She could melt a guys pants with one look, thats how hot. It was often said that you would find her picture next to the word gorgeous in the dictionary.But suddenly I encountered Sunayna in my path. She was alone with no sign of her Butler

Jalota. She was moving so quick that I would have bumped into her but somehow managed to avoid that and stopped right in front of her. “Hieeeeeeeee!!” she said. What was happening? Was this really happening to me…..how could it be happening to me I wonder. I remember this girl in my class meharushi……Goyal or something….who criticized my looks, especially when I had a bald head after catching typhoid. She always told me I would be lucky to even have a girl give me an accidental glance. My looks were never something special but no one likes having wounds scratched open. Well, eat your heart out Meharushi, Maharishi or whatever, I have a girl, that too a pretty one, talking to me now. However I was so busy doing geometry on Kritika’s curves I ignored the much plainer looking Sunayna. I did not turn around to look at her and went towards Kritika like a snake entranced by the charmers music. But she left the dance floor just when I reached her and I realized what our elders meant when they say a chick who says hi to you is better than one on the dance floor.( or was it a bird in hand is worth two in the bush??) Anyway the party got over and I kept kicking myself. As we went home we made the a mistake of letting Ritwik Bakshi drive. Ritwik bakhshi comes from a family which owned 14 Indicas(they had a travel agency of their own) so we thought he would make a good driver and seeing the SUV he was only too willing. We shouldn’t have ……. On the way back to we came across a car which was blocking our way. Ritwik being the impatient arse he was and accustomed to overtaking people in his Indica proceeded to do the same with the SUV which he forgot was less agile and much more bulky.He tried to overtake and proceeded to take off the Bumper of the car and then jumped out to abuse the occupants of the car in the vilest language possible …again he should not have .Out came this gentleman who Ritwik proceeded to abuse with gusto.HOweevr he could only abuse the second gentleman who came out for a nanosecond. It was his father. This was how CBS began for Us. And to think all this was boring compared to what happened afterwards.

2

“ CATS AND DODOS”

The surroundings were alien, very alien. What was I doing standing on the Pyramids of Gizah?? The shock wasn’t over yet .Standing on top of the Pyramid was Cindy Crawford with her arms outstretched .Was she standing there for me? I rationalized that it couldnt be Tutankhamen she was standing for and then since I was the only guy for miles in that desert….. I started running like SRK in that K3g song Suraj hua madhham ……here I come my love…….. but just before I reached the top it started Raining .Thats odd….rain in the desert??? But it was raining buckets and the climb became difficult, I screamed “ cindyyyyyyyyyyy…noooooooooooo” as I was washed away by the torrents. Everything disappeared into a blur. And then everything slid into Focus. But why was Cindy looking suspiciously like my mom?? Then I saw the mug full of water in her hand and Its contents were to be found upon my person. “Bunnu !!! get up you have to go to college today.“ She could have had a hunter in her hand and it would not have looked out of place or occasion. “Ma please dont call me Bunnu. I hate it. Call me Sam” “Ohho!! laadsahab abh Cooooooool banna chahate hain. thik hain ,thik hain Saaamuh uth college jaana hain! “ Then it stuck me that vacations were over. In an instant I got ready and flew riding my bike intent on breaking Valentino Rossi’s Speed record. I reached just on time as the bell rung. The first period was Eco again. I sat in the front so that all the people need not turn back and laugh at me. Traitors. The teacher came in staring at me as if I was Saddam standing on trial for genocide. She started. “The college motto is we mean business. Sunayna!” “Yes mam” “Come and recapitulate what I taught yesterday “ She went and wrote something which seemed vaguely familiar. Something about a theory by a chap by the name of Keys or Keynes, yes it was Keynes. Meanwhile I was transfixed by the sight of Sunayna tiptoeing back to her

seat.The teacher started teaching and I continued staring at her.However SS( Sheila sharma, the teacher for those who don’t remember) woke me up from my daydreams. “Samasth!! “ “Yes mam.” “ Why are you not paying attention.” “Mam, I am.” “No you were too busy observing somebody!” “Yes mam you.” “No it was not me it was somebody else. The whole class saw it!” “No mam how could the whole class see it if they were paying attention to you?? “ “Stop arguing.” I obliged. “ Have you covered up on the syllabus??” “Yes mam absolutely” Lying was not one of my strengths as I found out. “Explain to the class Marshalls Cardinal Utility analysis “ Screwed!! I thought. “ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…………” “Samasth ! please be quick.” “Yes mam. Marshall was a great economist probably of west Indian descent as Malcom Marshall the great bowler was also west Indian.” “Samasth what rubbish is this??” “Just giving some background info” I hastily said ”Marshalls cardinal utility analysis was a revolutionary theory just like Einsteins theory of Relativity and the theory forever changed the way economics was perceived .It was path breaking .Marshall was a pioneer.He was a genius…” I continued. “Samasth sit down and tomorrow come prepared otherwise I will throw out of the class” I grinned unconsciously at the sight of her trying to throw all six foot one inches of me out of the class. “Samasth you think it is a joke??” “No mam my gums were aching thought I will give them some fresh air.” “Samasth I will deal with you later I cannot waste the classes time.”

You must be wondering why I was so hell bent on messing with the system. On breaking the rules or as shamu said “Discipline”. It’s like the cut you get on the top of your mouth when you shave. It will heal if you leave it alone and stop tonguing it but you just cant and have to keep fiddling with it. The college was brain numbing with economics classes being the worst .I mean why were we learning demand curves of milk!! why couldnt we just sell It? I mean does a ”doodhwala” sell milk after drawing a demand schedule or does he milk his buffaloes keeping the Law of diminishing returns in mind ?? No he did not. Anyway the pace was too much for me .Five subjects with Business Communication being the only solace. The teacher Anuja sharma or AS. She was a darling. The only teacher who doted on me . .Atleast for that class Sunayna was a nobody and I somebody.The fact ingratiated me a lot but AS was just a painkiller who forced me to come to college . I started wilting under the workload until a situation came where I was sitting at home bunking classes .I had to pay for it dearly when the first Eco test came. On the eve of the exam I was sitting reading HL Ahuja trying to make heads or tails of the thing.I gave up ultimately. The test came I got presented the prize for having the most clean paper in the class. Name: Samasth Roll no: 4338 Subject : Economics

With the remarks” Poor” in the end. Now you will ask me why the hell could I not just shut up and study .The problem was I had no problem…… born to rich affluent parents the irony of my life was the way I lived was the way pharaohs did…… being the only child I was spolit and on top of it my grandfather left me a trust fund before he went to the US. Bottomline I did not need to work for anything. My future was secured.

I have come to realize, doing an analysis of the people around me, that there are basically two varieties of people in the world. THE CATS & THE DODOS The dodos –basically a bunch of wannabes of the highest order. They are characterized by Jeans bought from the nearby Mangal bazaar which they try to pass off as Fab India Maal. They even even wear red pyjamas to college .They would woo their girls by saying all kind of stupid filmi lines inspired by characters like Dj in rang de basanti …These are the guys who want to make friends all the time …. There will be girls who come wearing shawls with glitters or girls who still wear revealing clothes to show oodles of unexciting flesh. Unexciting, because they have pounds of excess flesh which shows even if they don’t want it to. The very same girls will give dialogues which shock you utterly and that too in grammar which we thought did not exist in CBS. A sample”Woh mera fraand thaa mujeh usme interaast thaa hum date pe gaye mujeh khaas nahin laga aur hum phir se Fraands ban gaye.” They will regularly talk about parties they went to even though they may at the time have been sitting at home watching Raja Babu. Their try and style their hair like john Abraham but they end up looking like Johnny Bravo. Their favourite headgears are bandanas and they have a special affinity for sunglasses, wearing them even on overcast days and sometimes even at night. They put Dhoom stickers on their 100cc bikes and colour their hair the colour of cowdung, one or two inspired by that ultra cool character in Dhoom 2 Mr.A. even try stealing Diamonds(American diamonds from their mothers almirah) or the put up taglines on orkut like Don ko pakadnaa mushkil hi nahin naamumkin hain. They try and speak in English only even though their vocabulary maybe as good as Rabri Devi They regularly use words like Ma instead of my and their pet word is”.. cooooool man..” This species of people try to put on a show of attitude (coming to attitude the thing is it’s a much abused term. Attitude according to me is when you know that you are good enough to have one. AS Golda Meir once told a foreign diplomat” Don’t act humble, you are not great enough to be humble.” Thats why I never had an attitude. Always modesty you see…attitude without any rhyme or reason is what is not good.)

The real thing is they want acceptance that’s it their motivation does not lie within it lies outside in other peoples mindsOverall they inspire these words in everyother normal person. “Dude get a life.” The Cats =The cool people .The only definition of cool according to me is cool people do what they want to do because it gives them happiness without bothering about what their peers would think and say. That’s it.Finito.No other requirement.

The schedule of the midsems which my friend Deepa Dhingra copied and waved in my face brought me back to ground zero . The imminent issues were Statistics andEeconomics Eco was hopeless. Statistics was difficult. In walked our teacher, Mrinal Mehta. “Hello class” “Hello sir!! “ Everybody said in unison vaguely reminiscent of kindergarten. “Today while sitting in my balcony..” (he lived in Ghaziabad in Shipra Towers. His home was on the top floor, the guy made jay deliver his term paper to his home.) “.. and breathing the fresh morning air I contemplated that teaching can be made more fun with more interaction. I Want suggestionsfrom the class.” I thought of suggesting that he jump from his balcony.Howeevr I wisely refrained. He continued and so did my suffering. I continued in my’ rebel without a cause’ ways and that very day I paid for it. I got the result of the statistics test. I failed simply because of absence. Not mine, But Karans. The studious guy who sat next to me. He had to miss the class that day only. so what if it was his birthday. The next class was AS,s .She came and started ”Friends, today we will talk about the Model of all successful communication. Piss.” What!! Had she too gone nuts? What in the name of sanity was happening here?? “ PISS means Positivity Intelligence Sophistication and the result of all this is the final alphabet S ie Success “ Whew! Now that I knew she was not talking about human excreta I was relieved. Her sanity was important for my own.

She asked us to name a book in which the author had used the PISS model to convey his message, used to as I was to bluffing I said “Mam, the Bhagavad Gita”. There were titters from the class. “So Samasth what message did you get from the Bhagavad Gita “ This was not the way it was supposed to turn out. No no no .She was supposed to wink at me as always for giving a brilliant answer. The prospect of elaborating on the Bhagavad Gita made my butt turn numb .

On my side, Prayag was going mushy with his girlfriend, cooing sweet nothings into her ears and she was batting her Eyelids at the speed of light. Hell, were was the bajrang dal now?? These people were engaging in unbharatiya sanskriti activities. I wished at this point I too had a girlfriend.Why the hell could I not buy a new girlfriend on Baazi.com like my cell? This was the problem with me every single time I saw a good looking girl. I was already imagining myself with her in the”shaadi ka pandaal”. I will talk about this LATER.

On my other side was the class pervert Anirban, Leafing through a fresh new issue of maxim, keeping the book under his chair, oblivious to everyone except me. The teachers’ attention was focused on only me however.Sometimes, being the favorite student does not help. “Samasth!” “Yes mam.” “Answer” “Well mam, the book was written by God cannot be wrong” AS smiled her Mary Poppinesque smile and said ”Samasth sometimes you are too cheeky “ The compliment made me feel as light as a feather. Then walked in came Kritika. The LATER IS NOW. I am the most unlucky guy when it comes to**** I did not use a swear word. I just said love .Yes, it’s not a four letter word but it should be .Why did god make females?In my school everyone had a girlfriend except me.I tried everything. Cool haircuts ,new cell and even studies (yes,I was that desperate) but girls got as attracted to me as much as people with a

functioning faculty of smell did to Skunks. Obviously because of this I was forever trying to get friendly with good looking girls you could see me 24/7 with some beautiful chick. The result, without fail designer rakhees on raksha bandhan …good looking girls at least had a sense of style. The consequence of this was that everytime a girl said hi to me I imagined she was in love with me, but no nobody falls in love with people like me. Why could not father have married a shorter female and vice versa for my mother? I am sure I would have given that shortie Tom Cruise a run for his money if I had been shorter. “Mam I have an announcement to make “ “Yes Kritika go ahead” “There is going to be a fashion show at Crescendo proposals are invited for that” “Hey Kritika…. You want a proposal? ok I will give it to you” What was happening to me I know I was desperate but not so desperate… was i? “What….!” “Who are you??”she looked at me supiciously.I could still picturise those glorious curves moving gracefully on the dance floor and burning them up at the same time .“I am Samasth and I said I want to give you a proposal………… for the show that is.” “Ok I am in BBS 1a “ “Thank you mam.”she walked off as briskly as she could. AS smiled, an understanding sympathetic smile. I felt like a loser. The day was over and I sat on our college stairs wondering what was I doing here in this college .I mean I was not good at studies, I did not have taste for any co-curricular activities, I did not even have a girlfriend .As I sat on the stairs two buffaloes strolled by outside the college wall one seemed to be male the other female, the sight depressed me even further.even a fat,ugly buffalo could get one. I plugged in my I-Pod and listened to “why does my heart feel so bad” by moby . The time before the midsems was the most horrible. I had no clue what to do Karan was too busy most of the time , Deepas notes did not really help and on Top of it all other people seem to getting marks effortlessly in the internals.

Things were going out of control.So to relieve the stress I did what in retrospect seems to be the worst possible activity which I could have done. I did NOTHING. For all those people who are not very good at studies they know what I am talking about ,Everyday you wake up thinking that Today is going to be the day that you will achieve everything that you have ever dreamed of but along comes some vague activity like Wasting time on Orkut, messenger etc, Seeing that nasal singers thousandth video starring him and some pretty girl who you would like to have as your girlfriend and you start wondering what people do for money, even pretending to cry for Him. Imagine Deepika Padukone crying for Him in real life. At the end of the day what was supposed to be “ THE GREATEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE” turns out to be well “JUST ANOTHER DAY”. This is what happens every single day . The irony is that in spite of this repetitive pattern you do not seem to learn, Ever.

I got the result of the BC test surprisingly I topped. When AS announced the result, I found Sunayna winking at me… or so I thought . I should have noticed Jalota behind me at who the wink was aimed. He had got second highest .I found the wink to be very disconcerting very………..I thought she must like me to wink at me like that. On top of that she had sent me an Orkut friend request the day before and after I had accepted fooled me into answering a thing known as crush calculator. The thing goes something like this …you are sent a crush calculator and you are supposed to fill in the name of the person you have a crush on after that the thing is supposed to figure out your compatibility with the person you have a crush on but the thing is it does not do that. It sends the supposedly secret information to the person who has sent you the crush calculator.Yeah, you guessed it right There were only three columns. Normally I would have liked hundred but at that time I stupidly filled in only one name “Sunayna” .The hidden desperado in me emerged. I mean she was somebody who anybody who would like to have as a girlfriend and she already knew that I had a crush on her so I did it .Threw in the dice and went to her after the class. Screwup no. 2. The mother of all screwups. “Sunayna.” “Yes Samasth. ”

This is it I thought…………………. “Sunayna you either come watch KANK with me or stop winking at me like that. I know you are not my type but I will make do with you as a girlfriend and if you say no then well get lost from my sight.” If I remember this right it was an attempt to sound nonchalantly cool. Guiness should record this as the worst askout ever. What the fuck did I just say? I had no clue but for a second I thought I had said something mesmerizing. Deepa was standing in the vicinity she gave a look of absolute horror. Jalota was the only other spectator, the rest of the class had disappeared for Keventers or Orgies at Aggarwals.His response was of a guy who had just been shot in the head. I forgot what Jaskaran was doing. Sunayna had already gotten up and was gettin close to me,too close. Her hand started going up as if in slow motion. I thought she was about to cuddle my cheeks but wait I had too many pimples and I also had not shaved that day. She did cuddle my cheeks but it was the velocity which shook me. “SWAT” Did she want to kill a fly or something on my cheek? For a moment I thought how caring of her. Deepas reaction made me realize I had just been slapped. Not knowing what to say I said something incredibly stupid next. “Sunayna, you had sent me a friend request yesterday, I thought you liked me.” The statement was concluded on the fact that she was the first girl to ever send me a friend request so she must have liked me .My logic, it seemed, was in sync with my desperation. She started going away saying” You jerk I am sorry I sent you a request. What did you think I did it for? I,ll say why I did it. You talk well in AS mams class so I was impressed. I thought you were a nice guy. I,d never ever fall for a jerk like you.“ Deepa intervened. “Sunayna this is not right yaar you should not have slapped the poor guy “ “Did you see the way this jerk asked me out?? I mean I have never been into this dating crap .Never indulged in such tomfoolery, but have been asked out a

lot of times …and I have said no to better guys than him. “ Her arrogance seemed like insult to injury.As I reflected, I realized it was. She went away saying that Jalota following saying something that sounded like “…well done, u showed him…”. “ Are you nuts Samasth?? Maybe you are kyonki akhrot ki tarha tod ke gayi hia tumko“ Deepa shouted . Her attempt at humour was hardly soothing.

“I have screwed up that’s what I have done” I said, on the verge of tears.I have been turned down n number of times in astronomical figures, but this was the first time someone had robbed me of my dignity or at leastmy imaginary dignity.Its feels really bad to have lost even the dignity you think you had. Hrehaan came. “What happened??”he asked noticing tears in my eyes . “Sunayna slapped him.”Deepa said, matter of fact as ever. “Why?”he looked shocked. “He asked her out”,in a not very flattering manner.“ Hrehaan let the news sink in and then he exploded “Are you an idiot? What has happened to you? I mean I warned you did I not dude? she is an arrogant conceited female. “ It was clear that he was not very fond of her. I went away from the scene outside the class to let Deepa and Hrehaan debate the next course of action for me . Just then I noticed Yavnika the tallest girl in our batch.Her pretty sight instantly made my spirits go up .The tears evaporated like water in Sahara Desert.” I wondered will she say yes if I ask her out .

I

was HOPELESS.

3 SO MUCH FOR “LOW” SO MUCH FOR “KHAJOORS”

Let me make this clear at the outset that I donot hate Sishir Kumar aka Rocket infact i am on quite amiable terms with the guy,I have a lot to be thankful to him. 19th September 2006 My first day in college after the Sunayna scam. Yes, I had chosen to avoid her and hence, avid college.Well, what was I supposed to do go? Say sorry? I had just acted like a despo.I needed my false pride. “Sam. “said Gautama. “yeah? “ “Have you got that book from your grandfather? Bertrand Russels “logic and matter?” “Yeah here you are.” “Thanks “ “No probs GM. Better you than me.” I grinned.

Let me now tell you about Gautama Mittal aka GM I know this bastard from the time I was in school. We used to go to Art of Living classes together for varied reasons .He for I do not give a fuck what and me because my thrifty mamaji in order to get a rebate from those guys had signed me on .He told my parents that since I was poor at studies Sudarshan Kria will help me increase my concentration and thus make me better at the task. My parents were only too ready . The guy was seriously weird. He had read this thick book which I thought could be used for excercise to grow biceps ….what was it again? Yeah, The Fountainhead at the age of twelve and by fourteen had rationalized that the character in the book…. who was it again? I am getting old I guess ….sounded something like Noahs Ark ….oh yes, Howard Roark … was an impossibility. Well what was the point of reading a ..what 700 page novel when you have to conclude that the stuff was bullshit?The guy believed that there was more

to life than dates at EDM, what rubbish. I thought he was a case of sour grapes. Because he had never dated a girl, he rationalized that dating girls is frivolous .The guy came wearing Bata Hawaii slippers to college and sat in the class reading books by some Gibran chap. I could not understand this guy. What did he want from life? He said said something like self realization. Perplexing!!

I mean the guy was quite good looking ,rich, good at academics, a guy who any mother would like to have as a son(my mothers lines).Why could he not be like the rest of us …………..normal. Anyway..thats him!! At this point something more urgent came up …..Sunayna!! She tiptoed past me sans jalota. I wondered where he was .I ignored her I ignored her, she ignored me and that was the end of story I thought. Samasth and Sunayna. A love story the world would be robbed off just because samasth couldn’t keep his big mouth shut. Neverthless I found it strange that things had to happen this way and even the appearance of Kritikas curvaceous figure on the horizon refused to cheer me up. Wait a minute, I wondered,am I actually feling sad at being turned down?i usually felt happy because of what Gautama once told me. “Swargiya popat lal ji keh gaye hain ki tein cheezon ke peeche kabhi nahin bhagnaa chahiye DTC ki bus ,Mumbai ki metro train aur Ladkiyaan ek gayi toh duji aati hain duji gayi toh teesri aati hain” I know this statement is disputable, utterly disputabl. DTC buses do not come that regularly . Neverthless the pearl of wisdom did not help either. I was feeling depressed. Why did it have to happen this way .Why? A person had slapped me and I was still feeling sad that my association with that person had ended forever. However, if you think you know how your life will turn out then you are being naïve, very naïve .That very day an event happened which for me totally altered the orbit of things. As I have informed u I ride an avenger. At the risk of sounding like an advertisement I must say that the reason for mentioning my bike is because

of the very important role it has to play in the story. Until that day I was the sole owner of an Avenger in my college- my sole claim to fame you may say. That however was going to change when I saw an Obese guy atop a Black Avenger revving it up and showing it off in the parking lot . What the hell..?? I wondered and went upto my own bike. Anyway meet Shishir Kumar aka Rocket ,the reason for the surname is explained below Hrehaan had once asked him what was his overpowering ambition in life, he said he wanted to reach the top of the corporate world …he was asked something akin to a rocket he said yes. Ever since that day the name Rocket had stuck. Rocket was a very interesting character. Not the type you would encounter everyday. I mean it is difficult to find a guy who would willingly dance to Kajrare every day during every consultancy(recess for the uninitiated) for the entertainment of his peers and believe me seeing a huge guy like him dancing to Kajrare was quite a sight. Couple that with a penchant for wearing chains in absolutely the wrong places ,using words from the English language which no one had heard ,drinking strawberry shakes instead of water and you have the perfect ingredients for a very interesting character. He was also referred to as “The Stud of the College”………………… but to summarize he was a good clean hearted guy… ..well …most of the times not counting the times he said fuck you to people he did not know and got into trouble …but that’s another story. Rocket drove off in his Avenger and I in mine .We crossed the college gate at the same time with a car following us hell bent on running us down .When I looked into the rear view it was driving a truck sized SUV whose make I couldn’t figure out. What I did next had two prima facie causes. One, I did not want to be outraced by a girl who had just slapped me or by a guy whose riding skills were definitely superior to me ….. and ……. Two, a girl was driving a car and not very well from the looks of it.

I turned the race clockwise and went full throttle on a road full of construction debris .Rocket followed my lead, not wanting to be beaten before a girl. Sunayna however surprisingly desisted. So here we were doing a mini Rossi meets Biaggi on east delhi roads….. That is until a Three wheeler carrying chickens came into the picture ….I braked hard ….and of course it had to be the disc brakes…….. Next thing I knew was I was skidding across the tarmac for God knows how many meters. My misery was not over yet, Rocket it seemed had gone cold at the prospect of running over his college mate and being prosecuted under IPC 302 .He braked… too hard……. fell over the bike due to the momentum and flew towards me. I have watched WWE a lot and sometimes I used to think what The Rock must have felt when he saw Rikishi Phatu flying from on top of him in a hell in the cell match.I know how he felt now. Next I knew was a guy was lying on me with his nauseating deodorant floating in my nostrils. The cumulative effect of all these events was so overpowering that I did what any normal person would have done….I fainted. Diffused golden sunlight was shining on my face .Was this heaven I thought?? ..Seemed so. And could that be an angel walking towards me?? …a five foot six Apsara wearing a multi-coloured top and antifit jeans …strange attire for heavenly beings….commercialism is everywhere it seems. Nearby ‘Aadat’ was playing ….”Brilliant!” I thought. I was glad that I had left my earthly abode to come here …this place was fundoo. However as the “apsara” approached closer all my ecstasy of reaching heaven was washed away as a voice said. “Two bruises on the elbow and a swollen shoulder ,that is all you have got for that misadventure of yours. Lucky is an understatement!!” The beautiful dreamy emerald eyes, the fair face, the long straight hair ,the HL Ahuja in one Hand, the Specs in the other ,the five foot six frame and the strangely magnetic smile. It couldn’t be…could it?? Yes it was … Sunayna Saran!!! Just then in came a lady with milk and that too with something smelling like Bournvita in it. “Aunty did that guy Gautama call up”

“Yes he said that he is stuck at the ITO he will reach here soon and pick him up” Oh well…if not the niece lets at least have the aunt in a favorable mood towards me. I decided to introduce myself. But the delirium proved too much and I heard myself saying, “Hello Aunty I am Sunayna…. Samasths friend!! “ “Oh poor dear…the accident has really shook you up…here….have some bournvita!“ “Aunty I do not drink Bournvita ,my brand is Milo” “Sorry beta this is all we have now, should I bring you Glucon D ?” “ With half a lemon squeezed in it please! ” Sunayna’s face was heating up seeing my spoilt brat ways. “Ok beta! “ The aunt I guess was docile as compared to the fiery niece. She departed to do the needful. “Sunayna could you please turn off this JAL music and put on some Atif Aslam?? “ “What ?” “Turn off this stuff and put on some Atif Aslam music??” How stupid can people get I thought. “I don’t have any and if you try ordering me the next time you will be chucked out of my house.” “Is this how you treat your guest ….. Did schools in Fiji not teach you that in India Athithi Devo Bhava? “ “I have been in India till class 9th and as for my school, well, Royal New Zealand Air Force school was the best in the whole of the Trans Tasmanian region and as for the guest, part well you are an uninvited guest. Nevertheless Let me take a look at your elbow. “ I was strongly reminded of an iron hand in a velvet glove. She forcibly took my elbow and proceeded to handle it as if it was a new born baby. I didn’t mind. One more character came into the room and peeked at me curiously. “Hey how are you?” “Excuse me do I know you” “Oh sorry!. I am Shitij, Sunaynas cousin. You are Samasth right..? ,Sunayna talks a lot about you. From what she says to me you are like way too cool ..she rants and rants about how well you speak.” This declaration however threw Sunayna into disaster management mode . “I used to say how good a communicator you are to Shitij.”

“Aiee , don’t lie you used to talk some other things. “ He then winked mischievously. “Shut up Shitij and get lost please!!” “Ok I will let you two be alone to spend some quality time together and as for keeping your little secret…. well the thing is I will charge a price for that. Like you paying my mobile bills for the next month from your enormous pocket money for instance!! “ “But that turns out to be some bloody one grand or something.” “Eggjactly!!” He winked and he disappeared. “How did I end up in your house??” “ After the accident I asked Shashikant to help you into the car. He was unhurt though his bike was like really damaged, your bike is in the garage. I asked my cousin brother to come and drive the bike home. You were delirious at that time so I did the best thing I could. I brought you home because I didn’t know your address and Gautamas cell was busy!” “So bring me home in an act of charity after slapping me and humiliating me in front of your boyfriend jalota and…” then she cut me short. “We are just friends that’s it!! “ “The guy has a crush on you! Isnt that obvious? And it seems the feelings are mutual I mean Though I really cannot figure out why you will go out with a guy who is short ,cannot speak if you gave him two rupees to speak and who from his current state of hair will go bald before he is thirty. ” I could see a smile playing around her lips but it never came. “No there is no such thing going on. Jalota is just a good friend.” “Ok whatever I have to go and get my ear pierced .For all I care you and Jalota can got to Disneyland.” She noticed the abruptness of my reply and proceeded to play firefighter again. “You can get your ear pierced later now you rest. Gautam will be here in half and hour.” “And till then what?? ,I sit and watch you study Eco??” “No we can talk. “ “You want to talk with a guy who you slapped? “ “Listen I have to get this clear to you right now about why I slapped you.”

“Now you are going to apply Marshals theory to this slap of yours or will it just be the law of marginal utility?? “Shut up and listen now!” Just then the aunt made another appearance. “Beta ,have this. has been prepared just as you asked?” “Thanks aunty! “ “Beta I have to go to a Kirtan you two sit and talk “ “Ok aunty!!” she sounded annoyed at her aunts intrusion. The edge in her voice was clear. The aunty vanished instantly. People were wary of her temper here it seemed. “Listen Sam! “ “Call me Samasth.” “Listen Sam. “ she it seemed shared my penchant for disobedience…. in a more commanding and subltle way however. “ I have to go now!” I said…ever the dissident. “You better sit down and listen you idiot! “ I froze at the sudden raise in her voice I instantly became a little lamb. “I admired your speaking skills in the class and from what I gathered you are a very intelligent guy ( she was the first person ever after my mother to think I was intelligent so naturally the compliment made me swell) “…But what you did was indecent, asking me out and that too in such a crude manner, before Deepa of all the people. If I said yes what would people think about me ? I mean I know you are probably treated like a king at home but everybody does not function under similar circumstances. I live here with my relatives.,I came here to study and that comes above every single thing .My parents have given me the liberty to come and live in Delhi from Mahabaleshwar. I cannot abuse that trust by getting into relationships whether it be with you or anybody else. Anyway, this is not the right time to get into relationships “ “Just a minute!! What are you talking about? I did not ask you to marry me. I just asked you out for a movie!!” “Why do you not understand that I am agirl and I don’t have the same outlook as you do??,Why do you not take my comfort level into consideration?”

“I was going to take you to the movie in my cousins car. Not my open air bike. It’s a Scorpio and it it is a very comfortable car. I had fully thought of your comfort when I asked you out. How stupid of you to think that I will take you out on a bike on a date… the bike is meant for me only! “ She gave me a strange look….as though looking at a total idiot... ..Nevertheless she continued talking. “Oh forget it you wont understand my predicament. Anyway, why may I ask monsieur did you ask me out for a movie??” “Ummm…… because I like you?? “ She had a way of making obvious answers seem silly just by the way she reacted to them. “ Ok! But I am sorry! I really do not share the same feelings for you!” “Exactly! I have got to go. This is the end of story “ Is this why she wanted me here I wondered.??to complete whatever was left of my humiliation?? “Lay still or I will slap you again!!” “I have had enough of your bullying! Tell me what you want from me. You want me to be a friend or you want me to get lost? just say Yes or No”I had had enough.I had to make a stand.

“Listen grow up ok!! Do not start defining Yes or No yourself and the thing which you did was gross and stupid. I cannot forget that easily. I am not God or anything Ok… it will take time for me to get back to normal ,All I would say is you are a person who is a friend now …so stay now” “Hmm…nope I do not want to stay I have to go to get my ear pierced!!” “Sit down!” the voice had gone razor like again. “Ok!! “ came my meek voice. The lines of the nursery poem Mary had a little lamb started ringing in my ears in with different protagonists though . .Sunayna had a little lamb … his name was Samasth. “Ok fine!!“ My cell rang. “Hello? “ “Yeah Gautama here, I will come in about three hours. I have a lecture scheduled at the American center on Freudian Psychology. I totally forgot

about it……. sorry . I will pick you up around 7:30. You can rest till then and bro….try and not to fall in love with her by the time I reach??!!” “What bulshit are u talking about GM…??” “Yup, bye “I could hear his laughter as he cut off the phone.

“GM called to say he will come at 7:30 only that’s about three hours from now So I will have to go now “ “Don’t fall in love with her bro “his words were ringing in my ears. What utter nonsense, I thought. “Lay down I will switch on the TV.” The tone was nonchalant as though she frequently switched on the television for random friends who are injured. “You dont have to study? “ “I dont study twenty four hours. “ “What will we watch? “ “Let me check what is coming on the local cable channel. Hmmm…its Hum Tum! I have not seen it as yet. You want to watch it ???..” “I dont watch such movies. You have any Scorcese stuff with you ??..” “What is that??..” I sighed.The loneliness of being an intelecual I thought. “Nothing, lets watch this!” “Ok then shut up and watch!” We proceeded to watch the movie from the scene where the guy slaps the girl and got prompltly slapped back. Her reaction to the scene was laughter. Mine differed. Déjà vu I thought. I continued watching or rather pretended to watch the movie while staring at her .Once during the movie she caught me watching her intently she just smiled and whispered something that sounded suspiciously like” ..idiot!” . Mid way through the picture I started feeling sleepy. I felt a strange impulse to go and lie in her lap and go off to sleep. Her quiet and forceful demeanor was having a calming affect on my hyper sensitive nature it seemed. I felt like a child sitting before her …vulnerable because this person could hurt me, secure because that person cared for me and it is a feeling which gives any person be it XYZ comfort to know that if you get into some trouble there is someone who is concerned about you. Yes she did I thought!! …. Doing all these profoundly deep thinking caused me to feel sleepy and i promptly fell asleep.

I was woken up by the rining of my phone. I woke up and looked around. I was in my room.I vaguely recalled gautam coming and picking me up from her house yesterday. I was so out of it they nearly had to carry me back. The whole trip home was a flow of sounds and blurs. They must have managed to deposit me home and safe in my bed somehow. I picked up my phone and saw it was a message. I opened it. It was from Gautama. “Dude you are screwed bad!! You have a girl who I think likes you …a lot .. finally …” I blinked and read on “When I came to pick you up yesterday the girl asked the servant to help me get you into the car while you were saying stupid things in sleep She was shouting at me” Gautam please be careful the guy is hurt” endlessly.You are screwed for now man. Love beckons! Tc. “ Bullshit! !I thought. Nevertheless, what would happen if I did actually fall in love and not get plain infatuated as I usually do??What will happen to those supermodels with whom I was supposed to go on dates in the near future?? What will happen if I do get commited? For being committed means being put in handcuffs! Will that mean I can no longer ogle krtiika??? Worrying thoughts indeed. Why did I have to fall in love with her though?? She wasn’t a Miss Universe by a long shot. Though she had a good height. I always imagined someone who was more around five nine or ten as the girl for me…..but come to think of it… five six isn’t so bad….for India! And then she had the hair…beautiful and long. But apart from that I had really no reason to like this girl. She was bossy and cold…especially to me. She didn’t have anything that could attract me. But then I remember her eyes, those beautiful, deep emerald eyes like the deepest ocean(yeah here I go again a wannabe shayar) And her smile which looked like the bright sunshine on a cloudy day. But should I fall in love just because I was attracted to their eyes??? Bah … Humbug..i thought!! Ebeneezer Scrooge would have been proud! The only person who could help me was GM so I buzzed him. HE picked up after what seemed like an eternity. “Gm…where are you man?” He was talking in a barely audible whisper,” I am in SS’s class man, where are you?”

“I am at home. I really did not feel like coming…. get out of the class I need to talk ……….Now!” The urgency in my voice was clear. Gautama sensed that too. “Wait! Call me in 5 mins. The class will be over then! “ I rang back exactly in five minutes. “Yeah. tell me whats up bro!” “Dude I am confused about this girl Sunayna!” “So whats new? Go back to sleep and tomorrow you will wake up being confused about someone else!” “No, that is not the issue. I am not infatuated this time ....I think I may genuinely like her! “ “Ok then go ahead. “ “Go ahead?? “ “Go ahead and get into the greatest problem that a man has ever faced ……Women!” “GM dude please be serious man this is not a joke! “ “No I am not joking! Until now your existence was relatively peaceful because there were no attachments. Now that you are looking to build them, there will be suffering, because according to Lord Buddha the root cause of all suffering is desire. “ The guy was impossible. Here I was asking how to solve my screwed up psychology and here he was telling me about spirituality. “GM…. I am hanging up bye!” “Om Mani Padme Hooom.” “Whaaat…???” “It means that hail the jewel in the Lotus “ “Fuck you, asshole” “Ok… “ His patience in view of my impatience was annoying. So I hung up.

Holy Cow!! What was i supposed to do now?? This girl was hell bent on messing me up one way or the other. My cell rang “Why are you not in the class” Whats that saying??? Speak of the devil and the devil appears?? “Where did you get my number from Sunayna?? “ “I get what I want “

“Whaaat!!! “ “Listen there is an Eco and an MB test tomorrow, have you studied for them?” “No! “ “Then do one thing come down to my home and take the eco notes that I have made, mug them up and you will pass and I will tell you what to do regarding MB!” “Why do you want me to pass??” “You are my friend and I cannot stand seeing you on the path to self destruction.” “Ok whatever!! Can I come and learn the stuff from you instead? “ There was a moments silence. “Ok….” “What time” “3:30sharp” “Ok what is the address “ “Ask Gautama !! I have a class, gotta go. Bye. Take care” I had always imagines the academic types to have a fixed rigid time table. Like Gautama. He said he used two shaving brushes to save time. I did not want to be the one to mess up her time table so I made an effort to be on time. I rang the bell and was promptly ushered in to her room by the ever docile and obliging Aunt who led me to her niece. “Hi!” “Hi!” It seemed she had just woken up, I reasoned since today’s classes were only till 1:30 she must have come home and slept “Have I come at the wrong time” I wondered aloud. “No No! I had just woken up when the alarm rang. And then after a few seconds here you were!” see my hypothesis about the time table was correct. It was right she knew that I would come at the appointed time like a pizza delivery boy and by that time she would have completed her daily quota of sleep “You know that tomorrows test is on price elasticity??” Wow.ive heard of businesslike people but this was ridiculous.

“Aren’t you even going to offer me a glass of water??” “No…...have you ever studied the stuff??” “No! “ “Ok then I will have to teach you from the beginning ………………it will take such a long time….” “Teach me anyways.” I was only too eager to learn…..from her. “Yeah that I know i have to…..jerk” The tone indicated indulgence. She proceeded to spoon feed me everything she knew .I tried to absorb whatever I could but it was all OHT to me …How could one study with a girl like this teaching?? Especially, if the girl looks into your eyes with that mesmerizing gaze. She finished off the lesson in about two hours and at the end I was exactly where I had started out.Nowhere. “What about MB???”I asked hoping for an extension. IF shaamu could get them so could I. “ Oh MB take theses photocopied notes of mine mug them up and write whatever!” “Write whatever ???” “Yeah PS does not check properly. write a good beginning a good end and even if you write Dhoom,s story in between you will still get good marks … Ok..go now…” “Ok got it! “ I left her home with the air of a person who’s just coming back from disneyland.

That days test was as good as the test before or should I say as bad . MB however was a different matter it was just the subject for conmen like me. It was the first subject outside BC where I did well. The reason was it called for loads of bluffing or in student lingo” Lapednaa” and that was one thing I was very good at. Now I proceed to discuss our first khajoor( date you see). Yes me and Sunayna . It was at the Sagar Ratna restauraunt in CP… she asked me to go to Laidback Waters but being the the perennially broke guy I was, I suggested

that one.. ..would save me the trouble of asking her for a loan to pay my bills I thought. …..and anyway she was infuriated as it is when I reached the place she had missed an Mb Internal which as she described was the first time …well so much for dating “Toppers”…..anyway the whole point is the khajoor was awkward, utterly awkward. We had this Punjabi Couple sitting and staring at us as if we were committing a crime. We waited for them to leave so that the upper floor could be empty and we could talk in peace but they never left and we never were able to talk anything but how cool XYZ movie was and that was the end of it and to top it all I had to borrow 12 bucks from her (since I knew she would be paying for her half, being a self respecting filthy rich girl…. I rationalized that ill order the cheapest thing and so took exactly the amount mentioned in their flyer. What I forgot was there is something known as service tax).the bottom line, first date screwed and I as confused as ever about the girls intentions. Neverthless I went with GM to discuss this pertinent issue at his house after the date. We reached his room where he switched on what seemed like music from the Tibetan Highlands, typical I thought, so very typical. “So what is the latest issue...?” “I am confused about what I feel for this girl, like totally confused, man!!” “Ok then let us do a cost and benefit analysis of what will happen if you hook up with this girl. “ “Whaaat…Ok yeah!!”I was seriously confused and at this point any idea was a good idea. “First the costs!!” “Ok. I will be forced to study. I mean I cannot have a topper as a girlfriend if I suck academically!!” “Yeah you are right dude. This cost seems too heavy for you. Ditch the cost benefit analysis and forget the girl!” “No I think I can study if I try!” “Yes and pigs can fly!” “Shut up GM.I can “ “Ok fine then next cost!” “I cannot ogle at Kritika anymore and the same goes with all other hotties in the world“ I said this with true heartfelt sadness. “Again a monstrous cost considering that this girl is at best ok looking!”

I resisted telling him that he was no adonis himself but I desisted. The guy was trying to help after all. “The last cost which I perceive is that if, god forbid, the relationship were to end then I would become Devdas……..knowing the kind of person I am, I know that is likely to happen” Gautam did not react to this statement. “Ok! Now that we have taken stock of the costs let’s analyze the benefits “ “I see no benefits except that when we go to our dates I can sit and look into those mesmerizing eyes for hours” I said wistfully. “Dude do one thing! Why don’t you go to some eye bank search for similar looking eyes and put them in a bottle filled with formalin and take it along with you to CCD or something ,then sit down and stare at it for hours? Solves the purpose” the guy could be very cynical when he chose to be. “Ok let us keep it linear!” “ Ok” “I do not know man I mean .....half of my social circle will look down upon me if I go around with her. I mean she is a geek man.” “Will the social circle give you happiness?? “ “No” “then shut up and do what you feel is right” I did not know what was right in this case….was I the guy with the Ali Akbar syndrome finally in Love … … It started to rain outside very slowly….!!