Christmas Truce - A Christmas Play

Dale Andersen 27702 Crown Valley Parkway #117, D-4 Ladera Ranch, CA 92694 (562) 508-5820 [email protected]

CHRISTMAS TRUCE By Dale Andersen Cast of Characters Solomon……………………………In his 50’s Clarissa…………………………In her 50’s Cast Member#1……………Man Cast Member#2……………Woman

Synopsis: Think of George and Martha from Albee's "Virgina Woolf" and you'll have a fair idea of the yuletide lunacy in this short play.

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CHRISTMAS TRUCE

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(At rise: 9am. Inside costume shop. Dark. Sound of door opening, closing. Footsteps. Lights on. Big sign “COSTUMES BY SOLOMON & CLARISSA” Prop display on wall: pistols, swords, knives, movie posters. CLARISSA enters) CLARISSA: (Bangs shin on sturdy piece of furniture) Owww! Oh God! God! God! Owww! Oh God, that hurts! (Sound of SOLOMON grubbing about offstage) CLARISSA: (Crouches holding her shin) Oh God oh God ow ow ow ow ow ow it hurts! SOLOMON: (Offstage, singing loudly) Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh on the third day of Christmas My true love gave to me Three french hens, Two…… Oh darn it Sol!

CLARISSA: Oh oh oh oh oh ow.

SOLOMON: (Singing offstage, coming closer) ……TWO TURTLE DOVES! And a partridge in a pear tree. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh on the fourth day of Christmas My true love gave to me: Four calling birds, three…… CLARISSA: SOL! GET IN HERE! PLEEEEEEASE! He doesn’t care. I tell you, he does not care. (Takes knife from prop display, holds it to throat. She is surprisingly spry despite her “injury”) Santa’s elves could be raping me right here with a knife to my throat and he would not care. SOLOMON: (Enter SOLOMON, singing, dancing a jig) ……THREE FRENCH HENS! Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear treeeeeeeeee. TA DAAAAAAA! (Sees CLARISSA, big smile, turns his back on her, proceeds to pour himself a drink from a bottle on a convenient stand) Clarissa dearest. I see you’ve switched to your distressed damsel mode. And for once with something besides a drink in your hand.

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Sol, please.

Look.

CLARISSA: My poor leg. Look at me.

SOLOMON: Ah yes, the unwelcome chestnut, having made its annual circuit about the zodiac, reappearing like a bad penny. The “I hurt my leg, Solomon, you’ll have to press on without me” bit. Where have I heard that before? Wasn’t it last Christmas? Why yes, I believe it was. And back it is again just in time for the Nutcracker fittings. Yes, yes Clarissa. I’m looking. I’m looking. CLARISSA: Over here, Sol, I’m over here. It really hurts. This time, it’s for real. My poor leg. You’re not looking. He never looks. SOLOMON: (Vacates space where bottle is, stares into his drink) It’s shin, dear. Girls from respectable families say shin. CLARISSA: I can barely walk, Sol. SOLOMON: Did you hear me? The cast of the Nutcracker will be here today for their costume fittings. And there you are, doing your shin thing again. Leaving me to deal alone with a pack of smelly pimply thespians. I tell you, I’d rather die. In fact, I’d kill (Grabs sword from prop display, blade to throat, declaims) myself, except for “the dread of something after death, the undiscover'd country from whose bourn no traveller returns” (CLARISSA returns knife to prop display, limps to whiskey bottle, exaggerating her injury, pours a drink) Sol, please.

We’re a team.

CLARISSA: We’re supposed to help each other.

SOLOMON: (Removing sword from throat) It’s a tad early, isn’t it, to be playing the “We’re a team” card? Which you customarily save for the third drink of the morn. CLARISSA: Can we not say even two kind words one to another without? SOLOMON: (Overlaps. Returns the sword to prop display) You always start it. Always when there’s serious work to be done.

5 CLARISSA: Mother told you I was delicate.

I’m delicate, dearest.

SOLOMON: Your mother said slim-hipped. She didn’t say you were a fragile flower crying out for lebensraum in a garden of stinkweeds. CLARISSA: You see? There you go again. Dripping with bile. propose a Christmas truce?

May I

SOLOMON: You mean like the Medieval kings?

A truce.

Hmmm.

Exactly.

CLARISSA: From now through the twelve days of Christmas.

A novel concept. Oh please!

SOLOMON: What's in it for me?

CLARISSA: What happened to the soul of the artist I married?

All right then.

SOLOMON: What's in it for you?

CLARISSA: I'll not dignify that with an answer. SOLOMON: It would mean no whining. It would mean no sarcasm.

CLARISSA: SOLOMON:

No shirking or slacking. CLARISSA: Nothing but sweetness and light. SOLOMON: Done! Done!

CLARISSA: (They shake hands. Lights out. Time passes. Lights up. SOLOMON & CLARISSA are busy fitting CAST MEMBER#1 for a costume. They stand facing each other with CAST MEMBER#1 between them. Fabric hangs loosely from CAST MEMBER#1 as they fiddle with needles, pins, scissors and thread)

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Lovely fabric, my pet.

SOLOMON: You’ve vastly outdone yourself.

CLARISSA: Why thank you, dearest Solomon. So kind of you to notice. SOLOMON:

(To CAST MEMBER#1) She’s quite the expert, you know. Incredible demand on her time. She has several patents pending sure to blow the lid off the masquerade ball as we know it. Consider yourself fortunate she could see you at all. MEMBER#1: (Impressed) Indeed? CLARISSA: Oh Solomon, stop it. (To CAST MEMBER#1) I’m not all those things. I’m just a simple seamstress. I belong to the Guild. I read the monthly bulletin. Nuff said. MEMBER#1: (Disappointed) Indeed. SOLOMON: Her expertise is exceeded only by her humility. (Steps back and for a long moment critically regards CAST MEMBER#1, who becomes visibly nervous. CLARISSA blithely continues doing fitting tasks as SOLOMON does this. Then…) Hmmmmm. Ah, Clarissa dear, may I make a small observation? Of course, Solomon.

CLARISSA: Each word from you is a pearl of wisdom.

SOLOMON: There’s something about the width of the shoulders. CLARISSA: The width of the shoulders, did you say? SOLOMON: Yes. In my view, I think you may have cut the fabric a bit too narrow. CLARISSA: Well, goodness gracious sakes alive, I don’t see how I could.

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Look at the head, dearest. the head. Very well.

SOLOMON: Walk off ten paces and regard CLARISSA:

I shall.

(CLARISSA walks to where SOLOMON stands. She critically regards CAST MEMBER#1, who becomes increasingly nervous) SOLOMON:

You see what I mean? Oh yes. I say.

Now I see.

CLARISSA: My Lord! That’s not good.

Not good at all.

CAST MEMBER#1: Is something seriously wrong?

SOLOMON: To me, it seems disproportionately large. CLARISSA:

Mmmmm yes.

CAST MEMBER#1: Just what the deuce is going on? SOLOMON: (Ignoring CAST MEMBER#1) From my perspective, it could only be that way if the shoulders of the costume were cut too narrow. CLARISSA: (Ignoring CAST MEMBER#1) A good point, sweetest Solomon. But I do believe I’ve discovered the trouble spot in a different sphere. SOLOMON:

Ah!

CLARISSA: Based on an alternate theory. SOLOMON: Indeed, an alternate theory. Well, I’m all of a-twitter. share your discovery, so all and sundry may benefit. Excuse me!

What am I?

CAST MEMBER#1: A potted plant?

Do

8 CLARISSA: The problem, put briefly, is the head. SOLOMON: Ah, yes.

His head. CAST MEMBER#1:

My head?

CLARISSA: The fabric on the shoulders was not cut too narrow. Not to put too fine a point on it, but it was cut rather too perfectly. The issue is. SOLOMON: (Overlaps, tries to suppress a laugh) Oh my yes. You’re too too right, my dear. It is the head. CAST MEMBER#1: What’s wrong with my head? CLARISSA: It’s like a pumpkin. Like a large cabbage.

SOLOMON:

CAST MEMBER#1: Nothing is wrong with my head. It’s a normal head. His mum and dad.

SOLOMON:

CLARISSA: Must have been hideously deformed. SOLOMON: His childhood must have been miserable. CAST MEMBER#1: My parents were lovely people. I was a very happy child. a teddy bear and a dog. SOLOMON: I believe we’ve gone as far as we can go with this. What? I agree.

CAST MEMBER#1: CLARISSA: I agree absolutely.

I had

This person.

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This.

CAST MEMBER#1: This is an outrage. SOLOMON:

Under the circumstances. CLARISSA: Taking all aspects into consideration. SOLOMON: All things being equal. You people are insane!

CAST MEMBER#1: CLARISSA:

An absolute no-hoper. A dud.

SOLOMON:

A turkey.

CAST MEMBER#1: Turkey?? CLARISSA: Best stop now and proceed to the next client. SOLOMON: Cut our losses, as it were. Oh, losses it will be!

CAST MEMBER#1: For you! This isn’t the end of this! SOLOMON:

Lunch, my dear? (Exiting) Italian? Stop!

CLARISSA:

CAST MEMBER#1: You stop right there and hear me out! SOLOMON:

(Exiting) What about Sicilian? CAST MEMBER#1: (Loose fabric starts to slide off CAST MEMBER#1’s body) You two will be hearing from my attorney!

10 CLARISSA: What about Tuscan cuisine?

Tuscany.

SOLOMON: Calabrian. Calabrian!

CLARISSA: Of course, Calabrian! Solomon, you are the genius.

(They exit) CAST MEMBER#1: (Has trouble holding the fabric on his body) Nothing amiss with my head. And they’re wrong. I was a happy child. My parents loved me. Especially my mother. And my grandparents loved me too. At Christmas, they gave me wonderful gifts. My mother’s parents gave me bigger gifts than my daddy’s parents. And I’d say, daddy, why do mommy’s dad and mom give me bigger gifts? And daddy would get angry at mommy and make her sleep in the garage and then he’d go and get his rifle and kill squirrels in the back yard and I would hide in the doghouse with Ruff until the police came. (Turns to exit. Fabric falls showing part of his bare ass) Oh, for Pete’s sake! (Exits running. Lights out. Time passes. Lights up. SOLOMON & CLARISSA are busy fitting CAST MEMBER#2 for a costume. They stand facing each other with CAST MEMBER#2 between them. Fabric hangs loosely from CAST MEMBER#2 as they fiddle with needles, pins, scissors and thread) CLARISSA: (To CAST MEMBER#2 in a commanding voice) The key, you see, to Victorian style is the corset. is the sine qua non of the Victorian era.

The corset

CAST MEMBER#2: Yeah, corsets are really kewl. My boyfriend Siegfried really digs corsets. He likes stilettos too. But the director says no stils in Nutcracker. That bitch! SOLOMON: The corset? Are you quite certain it’s the corset, Clarissa? It was always my understanding that the (Touches CAST MEMBER#2’s arms rather too familiarly. CAST MEMBER#2 gives him a not unfriendly glance, moving her breast close to his hand) gathered sleeves are the signifying mark of the Victorian blouse. CAST MEMBER#2: Oh wow, that feels like ahhh ohhhhhhhh.

11 CLARISSA: (Removes SOLOMON’s hands from CAST MEMBER#2’s arm) No, Solomon. I think not. But.

SOLOMON: But I’m certain I read it somewhere. (SOLOMON touches CAST MEMBER#2’s buttocks)

CAST MEMBER#2: Ohhhhhhhhh godddddddddd yessssssss! Somebody with really big fingers just goosed my ass. CLARISSA: You? You’re joking, of course. You read nothing but (Tightens grip on CAST MEMBER#2’s arm, holds pin in free hand) comic books and novels by Anonymous. Read?

CAST MEMBER#2: Hey, owww. (To SOLOMON) She stabbed me! Stand still, please.

CLARISSA:

CAST MEMBER#2: Hey, owww. (Jerks her arm away from CLARISSA. Moves behind SOLOMON and uses him as a shield. The fabric covering her body starting to fall away, she uses her hands to hold it up) She’s crazy. She’s trying to kill me! Make that bitch stop. CLARISSA: (Tries to get by SOLOMON, brandishes a pair of scissors) Oh, I’ll stop. When I cut her arms off at the shoulder. (Rather enjoying it) Ladies! Ladies, please!

SOLOMON:

(CAST MEMBER#2 pushes SOLOMON into CLARISSA and turns and runs for the door. CLARISSA ducks past SOLOMON and chases her. CAST MEMBER#2 trips on the loose fabric and falls next to the stage prop wall display. CLARISSA grabs a pistol prop from the display, fires it several times at the ceiling, and points it at CAST MEMBER#2. CAST MEMBER#2 looks down on the floor and sees that a pistol prop has fallen on floor near her hand. She looks at the pistol prop and then up at CLARISSA, then again at the pistol prop)

12 CLARISSA: I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, did she fire six shots or five? (CAST MEMBER#2 gasps) Now, to be perfectly candid, I myself have no clear recollection due to the cacophonous nature of the preceding events. However, owing to the fact this is a .44 Magnum, a weapon which has the capability of decapitation in a nanosecond, it behooves one to query oneself thusly: do I feel lucky? Well, do you? She’s crazy. shrinks.

CAST MEMBER#2: This woman is loony! Call the cops.

Call the

CLARISSA: (Advancing toward her. Pushing the pistol at her face) Don’t ever call me crazy! I am not insane! Go ahead, girl. Make my day. SOLOMON: (Walks between them. Takes the pistol from CLARISSA) There. I trust this defuses the situation. (Points pistol in air. Squeezes trigger. It goes “click” and a “BANG” flag comes out. To CAST MEMBER#2) As a point of information, Clarissa is not uh. Loony. She has a certificate from an asylum, attesting to the fact that she is sane. In other words, they wouldn’t take her. All right. You may leave. CAST MEMBER#2: What? Get out of here!

SOLOMON:

(Gets up, trips over the loose fabic, finally makes it to the exit, exits) Well, that was invigorating. break? I daresay it is, dearest.

SOLOMON: Isn’t it time for our afternoon CLARISSA:

SOLOMON: Sprite or Seven Up, my sweet? Seven Up.

Always Seven Up.

CLARISSA: Goes perfectly with Seven Crowns.

13 SOLOMON: The truce appears to be holding. Marvellous idea of yours, dearest. CLARISSA: It takes two to make a truce. Half the credit goes to you. Well, thank you, dear. Yes, it is that.

SOLOMON: And after all, it is Christmas.

CLARISSA: Comes but once a year, thank God.

(Blackout) The End