Baby Dolls Don't Die

BABY DOLLS DON’T DIE By Paulette Benjamin

“Adam!” Truce ran down the porch steps two at a time and raced to where her brother stood just outside the tool shed. By the time she reached him, her words came out in short, quick gasps as if she had been running for miles, though the shed was roughly thirty steps from the house. She took a moment to catch her breath as she watched Adam slam the risen ax down into a thick piece of lumber.

It split open obediently.

Helplessly. “Adam, Mama says to go get Miss Sarah right quick.

She says the

baby's comin’.” Slightly slumped forward with one hand on his knee and the other resting on the handle of the ax that was still embedded in the chopping block, Adam’s eyes raised toward his little sister. Her cherubic cheeks were dimpled with anticipation. “Mama says the baby’s . . .” “I heard you the first time, Truce,” he said in a constrained whisper. Truce’s gaze remained glued on her brother’s deep, blue eyes as she unconsciously took a few steps backwards. “I’m tending to my chores right now,” he said to her. “Don’t you have to do the same?” Truce looked down at hands that supposedly belonged to her, as they uncontrollably twisted on a bunch of material. As though they had a mind of their own. “And pull your dress down,” Adam demanded as he reached out and did it for her. “You want some strangers drivin’ by and seein’ you show off your drawers or somethin’?”

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“No, Adam.” Truce’s voice was smothered by nervousness. She knew better than to give way to the tears that burned behind her eyelids. Adam never stood for nonsense crying. “Go tend to your chores, Truce,” he said in a softer tone. “Mama will be alright.” Truce turned and walked away. She stopped, turned around again as if to say something, but then thought better of it as Adam slowly raised the ax and threw it off to the side. She hurried back over near the porch steps and stood there quietly, wondering how she herself could help her mother in all her agony. With her small hands cupped over her ears, she watched as Adam ran down a red, dirt road, leaving her there alone to brave the cries of the wailing woman inside. With Adam now gone, Truce was free to release some of her own tears. It felt good. Her eyes stopped stinging. But she quickly began to wipe them away as her mother screamed out her name. “Truuuce!” Mama shouldn’t see her crying. It might make her scream even more, the little girl thought to herself.

Mercifully, the brisk October winds dried

Truce’s face where her small hands might've missed, and she turned and went into the house.

Adam watched his sister struggling with herself as to whether she ought to go into the house or not. He pretended not to notice that she was crying. He was losing the strength to be tough. Finally, he decided to head for Sarah Mile's place four miles down the road. He took a narrow, slower path instead of the quicker route through Mr. 2

Gottlieb’s cornfield, which would’ve gotten him there in almost half the time. But it was a good evening for exercise, he thought. Besides, he needed to walk off some of his stress.

Adam was the eldest of Nora and Lincoln Eubanks’ two children. Folks in town would tell her that Adam was the spitting image of his father. Adam had inherited the jet, black hair and deep blue eyes from Lincoln, along with a rounded masculine chin. The two would often be mistaken for brothers rather than father and son.

That was because Lincoln's 33 years had no

bearings on his boyish appearance. He married Nora when they were both 17. Just two years older than Adam. Nora passed down her Cherokee features to their daughter, Truce. Though her hair was close to black, in the sunlight it shone hints of red and light brown, as did Truce's hair. Her strongest feature however, the one that attracted Lincoln to her in the first place, were her dark, piercing eyes. Those Indian eyes, Lincoln would often say to her. One look could pierce a hole clear through you when she was angry. Or love the devil out of you when she wasn't. Lincoln had rarely come to visit his family since separating from Nora and moving away when Truce was five and Adam barely thirteen.

Maybe

he would visit every three to four months just to check on the family and see how they were coping without him. Whenever he would show up, he'd spend a week to ten days with them at most. That would have to suffice until the following season. He loved his family dearly, but did not feel like he deserved to call himself the “man of the house” if he could not provide a respectful lifestyle for them. So he left them in Clinton County, Illinois while he went to work at a post office in New York City as a shipping clerk. Times were hard, although 3

the worst of the Great Depression seemed to be over. Still, Lincoln wanted to work someplace where he thought he could earn enough money to save for his family just in case times fell hard again. This was what he repeatedly explained to his only son. True, the crops hadn’t brought in as much money as in prior years. But they weren’t starving, Adam would counter-explain. They weren’t starving to the point where Lincoln had to leave again and again. Adam would even eat smaller portions at mealtime to make up for the shortage of food. But Lincoln knew what was best. And leaving was best. At least that’s what he believed. As for Nora, she always remained quiet whenever Lincoln spoke of leaving. What was the point in arguing about it anymore? As Adam grew older, he began to understand that it wasn’t the lack of food or anything else that made Lincoln travel as frequently as he did. It was other things. Things not discussed in front of the children. Whenever Truce would complain to her father about his sporadic visits, Lincoln would simply explain to her that it was easier for him to make a living in the big city than it was in Clinton County. But he would also promise her that he would come back for good once he was established. Of course both Nora and Adam knew that this was just a story to appease a little girl's faith. As for Adam, he no longer cared if his father visited or not. He saw no reason to seek Lincoln's acceptance and it angered him whenever Nora or Truce became so cheerful in anticipation of Lincoln’s visits. Adam had long since accepted the fact that he had now become man of the house, and it was no longer a necessity to have another man around just so he could have someone to call ‘Papa’.

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Nora had gone through several difficult pregnancies by the time Truce was born, with all except one, Adam’s, terminating before the second term. And even before she was able to conceive Adam, she had miscarried twice. Adam was considered a miracle child for surviving after being born two months early. Nora and Lincoln were extremely proud of their new son and the way he progressed. Their daughter, Truce, was small for her age, though she had be a full term baby. She also walked with a slight limp caused by an accident when she was 4 months old. It happened during a severe thunder storm. Nora was caught between her neighbor, Sarah Miles’ house and her own when the storm intensified. She began running because she was very much afraid of the lightning, and in doing so, lost her grip on Truce. The child was treated at home because there were never any signs that anything was wrong other than a badly bruised leg. A few years later it was learned through an x-ray that a thigh bone had been fractured and had mended with a slight bent that protruded forward. Nora swore to herself that she would stick to her story about the baby slipping out of her arms while she was running. She was afraid to ever admit that she had fallen on top of the baby. having the child taken away from her was much too great.

Her fear of Truce on the

other hand, would need to wear a brace until she was 17, or whenever she stopped growing, to help straighten out the bone in her thigh. One person's guess was as good as the next as to why Nora was unable to hold children to full term without complications. Some said that given her small frame, she wasn't built to bear. Others said it was her poor diet, or else she never got enough bed rest. Still, others said it may have been due to an over zealous husband who couldn’t keep his hands or anything else for that matter, off of her during those early months.

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Four years after Truce was born, Nora gave birth to a stillborn boy they named Tobias. made

her

go

Many of the folks in town said that loosing him was what "crazy".

She

had

a

nervous

institutionalized for 3 months while she recovered.

breakdown

and

was

Then when Truce was

five, Lincoln moved to New York to find better work.

“Miss Sarah,” yelled Adam, running into the woman's front yard. Sarah Miles was the town's mid-wife.

She was in her mid-fifties and had eight

children of her own. "What is it, child?" she asked coming out onto the porch, drying her hands on her apron. She was a strikingly beautiful woman, Adam thought, for someone to be so old and with so many children. There was a radiance about her. Her dark, brown skin looked as though it had soaked up all of the sunlight and trapped it within. She wore her thick, woolly hair bunched on top of her head. And it was all black. Adam’s mom was only 33 and was already beginning to gray. But Sarah Miles was just a natural beauty. She, too, was a single mother. But at least she had a valid excuse. Leroy Miles had been killed 2 years prior in a boating accident. “Good day, Miss Sarah.” “Good day, Son.” “My Ma needs you right quick, Miss Sarah." "Why, is that baby 'bout ready to come?" she asked grinning. "Yes ma'am." "That there's a boy in your mama you know. He should'a been here over two weeks ago," she said taking off her apron and throwing it onto a rocking chair sitting on the porch. "I know that’s a boy because every single one of my boys was late. All three of 'em." 6

As she descended the steps, she stopped just before reaching the last one and thought aloud. "Wait a minute. I ain't got three boys. I got me four boys.

Lordy, I done plum forgot about my baby, Zebulon," she chuckled.

“He’s so quiet, you know.

Never gets into any trouble.

Never been into

mischief like the other little boys.” Sarah liked to pretend that Zebulon was just like any other child. She hated to think that anything was wrong with him. And in her mind, being deaf meant something was wrong. So she preferred to treat him as a little boy who simply did not like to talk. And everyone else in town did the same, just to appease Sarah. Everyone, except Adam. “But I guess I shouldn’t complain because one of these days he’s just gonna start talking my ear off,” Sarah laughed. “Is Zebulon still deaf, Miss Sarah?” Adam asked. He hated pretense. Sarah was taken aback by Adam’s guilelessness. No one had ever called Zeb that name before. “He just don’t talk much, Adam,” she responded with trembling in her chin. “He was only 3 when Leroy died you know. I think it must’ve sent him into shock or somethin’.” She hurried now with her steps, calling for one of her older girls who’d been hanging out the laundry. “I’ll be goin’ to deliver the Eubanks baby. Mind the little ones.”

Though Adam's house was a little less than four miles away, Sarah insisted on driving the 1931 Ford in attempts to arrive there more quickly. It was a slow ride. Sarah hadn’t quite gotten the hang of driving yet. She was forced to learn after her husband died. "You gettin' to be a big boy, Adam," she said.

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"Yes ma'am," Adam responded quietly as he watched the large trees slowly pass.

They looked heavily burdened for some reason,

ss though

they, too, were depressed that Summer was officially over. “I’m sorry I said what I said earlier about Zeb, Miss Sarah. You know I really do like him, don’t you?” Sarah nodded slowly, glancing at Adam as she smiled. But taking her eyes off the road broke her concentration as she successfully dodged a tree but drove into a ditch instead. Sarah and Adam fervently worked at getting the car back onto the road. Adam was worried that this would slow them down even further. “Why don’t we just walk the rest of the way, Miss Sarah. It ain’t that far to go.” “We almost got it, Adam. Just help me push,” she said blowing hard. “Nora and the baby will be alright.” “But you didn’t hear the way my mama was screaming.” Adam envisioned the baby being born. All slippery and a little bloody, gasping for air. He thought about his mother crying in distress because the umbilical cord had in some way tied itself around the baby's neck, causing its eyes to protrude from the deep, blue face. Adam became a little excited at this thought.

But then the fear of what could happen to his mother’s

mental state if she lost another child made the thought less exciting. Still, he could not help thinking about the time he came home early from school one day, only to find a tall, blonde haired man leaving his house and wearing a grin that traveled endlessly. “Let’s hurry, Miss Sarah," he said as they successfully got the car out of the ditch. “We gotta hurry now."

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Adam and Truce waited outside on the porch while Sarah tended to Nora inside. Adam sat hunched over in a chair, resting his elbows on his knees, while Truce sat cross-legged on the floor. "You know what, Adam?” she said. “I ain't gonna have no babies when I grow up. They cause too much pain. So I'm just gonna have baby dolls. They don't cause no pain, except for that ugly one with the white hair that I got for Christmas that time. All I was doin' was playin' upsy-daisy with her, and she fell on my mouth and made my lip bleed real bad. That's why I threw her in the fire. Burn her real good like she deserved." Truce quickly twisted her body around in response to another wail from her mother. "Golly," she said. "If a baby caused me that much pain, I would kill it for sure. Throw it right in the fire." Irritated by all the childish gibberish, Adam got off his chair, jumped the three steps, went into the yard and began fiercely chopping wood. Nora's last scream successfully brought a new life into being. As she lay there in her bed surrounded by sheets, wet towels and water, she kept her head turned toward the wall, hesitating to ask any questions. The initial joy she felt from having given birth successfully began to fade when baby failed to cry. My other two cried, she thought to herself. Finally, however, Nora felt the warm, squirming body being laid upon her chest. Her motherly instincts took over from that point. After cleaning up, Sarah Miles went outside to tell the children that it was okay to come inside. Little Truce was so anxious to see the new baby that she tripped and scraped a knee on the porch floor, but was just as quick in getting back to her feet. Adam, on the other hand, continued to chop at the wood.

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"Adam," Sarah called, "I said you can come on in to see the baby." With every second that passed, Adam's chopping became more fierce, splinters flying through the air like a miniature explosion. His orderly hair was now just as confused as he was. The perfuse sweating caused his shirt to adhere to his lean, muscularly built frame. Sarah walked toward Adam, stopping just far enough away to avoid the flying wood. "Adam , stop this misbehavin’ right now!" she demanded. Adam’s breathing was heavy as the chopping slowed upon hearing Sarah’s voice.

He brought the ax over his shoulder the way a baseball

player would a bat, and threw it with as much force as his arms would exhibit. Then he stared at Sarah like a beast on the verge of attacking. "What's the matter with you, Adam?" Tears fell sloppily down Adam's soiled face. However, they didn't come in the fashion of a cry. Rather, they were more like a decaying dam trying to constrain the water from breaking through, but fails from lack of strength. "Gimme your hand," she said as she reached out to him.

She

managed to grasp hold of one of his hands, but Adam quickly pulled it away. Sarah noticed that it had possessed an unpleasant, slimy feel to it.

She

looked into her own palm and saw the blood that had wiped off from Adam's. "The baby's beautiful," she whispered hoarsely, "and looks just like you," she lied. "Come on in the house and see your new sister." "That ain't my sister," Adam hollered, successfully restraining anymore tears. "Stop talkin' nonsense, boy."

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"It ain't no nonsense. You go in there yourself and ask that woman was my paw around when she got pregnant with that baby. You go ask her, Miss Sarah." "You have no right to judge your mother, Adam." "I ain't no baby like Truce, Miss Sarah. You and everybody else in this town know it. Quit actin' like you don't know nothin'.

'Cause I know you do.

I know you do." Sarah stood mute, cemented in one position, as she watched the boy in a man’s body run away and disappear into the hills.

Truce and the other children played outside during recess. "Truce," called her teacher, "would you come here for a moment, please?" The little girl with the cheerful expression came running. "First of all, I'd like to congratulate you on the new addition," she said. "Oh no, Mrs. Blake. That math that I did this mornin’ was old stuff.” "You misunderstand," the teacher chuckled. "I meant congratulations on the new baby." "Oh, she's so pretty, Mrs. Blake.

You must see her.

Her name is

Sunshine. My mommy let me name her myself. Sunshine Alice Eubanks. Mommy named her Alice. I don’t really like Alice though, because it sounds real old. That’s my grandma’s name. I like my grandma but I don’t like that name. Actually, I love my grandma, but I just don’t like her name. But I like Sunshine because it sounds real pretty and alive. That’s why I named my new sister that. Because she’s so pretty. And alive. The baby my mommy had when I was little wasn’t alive. He was stiff-born. His name was Tobias. He wasn’t alive. But Sunshine is. And she has yellow hair and see-through eyes. Now there are three kids in the family." 11

"Yes. And speaking of three children in your family, where has your brother been for the past few days?" "Home." "Really? Well, has he been helping your mother with the baby?" "Nope. He just sits in the barn eatin' straws."

Nine days passed with Adam having only glimpsed at Sunshine a few times, and then merely to get the bassinet out of his way.

He had not

spoken to his mother any more than necessary, either. Truce was the only one with whom he had remained somewhat unchanged. "Why do you always stay in that barn, Adam?" Truce asked one night while they were getting ready for bed. "Mrs. Blake keeps askin' when are you comin' back to school. I don't know what to say to her." "I can't go back right now, Truce. I have stuff to think about." "What kinda stuff?" "Just you get under the covers and go to sleep. It’s grown folks stuff." "But I ain't sleepy, and there ain't no school tomorrow anyway. So I wanna talk." "Alright," he said succumbing to her innocence. "What do you wanna talk about? And quit sayin' ain't all the time. It ai--, it isn’t good English." "You say it all the time too, Adam." "Well, I'm grown. I can do what I like." "Okay, Adam. I promise not to say ‘ain't’ no more." "And don't make promises either, Truce. Never make a promise unless you're sure you can keep it. Unless you can swear your life on it. That's a 12

bad habit people have, making promises they don't keep," Adam stated, speaking more to himself than to his sister. "Can we talk about what I wanna talk about, now?" she asked him, becoming weary from all his big words. "Yeah. What is it?" "Babies." The word caused Adam to bolt to an opened window, although the breeze did little to extinguish his inflamed flesh. Truce ignored her brother's peculiar reaction and continued her one-way conversation. "I changed my mind, Adam. I think I wanna have babies when I get big, too. Sunshine."

I want them to have yellow hair and see-through eyes just like Adam walked back over to Truce and told her to go to sleep.

"But why? I didn't do nothin' wrong." "Well, 'cause you're still little and you ain't supposed to be stayin' awake all night," he stuttered.

"You can't grow that way.

And besides,

maybe I can take you fishin' in the mornin' if you go to sleep right now." "Goody. Then I'll go to sleep real fast," she said, squeezing her eyelids shut. But just as Adam was about to kiss her good night, Truce sat up and flashed her brown eyes at him to inform him of his error.

"You made a

mistake and said ‘ain't’, Adam." "See? That's why I never make promises." Then he kissed her. From there, Adam did not go to bed as he had assured Truce he would. Instead, he descended the steps that lead from their room to the lower level. He went into his mother's room where she and the baby slept, slowly and quietly so as not to awaken them. He approached the bassinet where Sunshine rested. For the first time, Adam admired the baby he denied as his sister. He studied the small, yellow-haired creature as one would a specimen 13

under a microscope.

Though she was presently asleep, Adam recalled

having seen the baby's eyes a couple of times and how beautiful, yet odd their color was. A crystal color. Almost like diamonds. Then, Adam's mind began to wander off into the future. What would it be like for little Sunshine when she grew up? The townsfolk already knew everything there was to know. Sure, they pretended life was as usual, but they knew things.

And they would surely tell their children those things

about Sunshine, and the children would tease her and call her all kinds of unbefitting names. Adam couldn't stand the thought of his baby sister being humiliated for something she wasn't responsible for. And he wasn't going to allow it to happen either. An embroidered pillow rested in a nearby rocking chair. Adam picked it up and held it against his chest. Tightening and then relaxing his grip on it. Fighting back tears. Squeezing, and relaxing again. Leaning over the bassinet, Adam placed a light kiss upon Sunshine's cheek. The warmth that emanated from her soft flesh momentarily chased away the chill in his soul. As he clutched the pillow in his hands, a cool tear dropped from his eye onto the baby's forehead. Her body slightly quivered in response. "I won't let them hurt you, baby sister," he whispered softly, as he gently yet firmly, placed the pillow over Sunshine's face. He then pulled the blanket up and over the pillow, tucking the corners down into the bassinet. All the while he kept his eyes darting back and forth between his mother and Sunshine. Nora was still sleeping rather soundly. She had not moved since he entered the room. Good. Don’t wake up yet, he thought. Adam’s face now possessed a look of torturing pain, as his hands unsteadily held the pillow in place until he was sure the baby's attempts to 14

cry for help had ceased.

He didn’t want to do this anymore, but he was

unable to remove his hand from the pillow. He was overpowered by himself. Sweat trickled from Adam's face and down his neck as his body grew warmer, so warm that he felt that it was he who was suffocating. Now he wished that his mother would at least wake up long enough to make him stop what he was doing. Why was she sleeping so soundly? Had the baby tired her out that much? She would've definitely been able to convince him to stop if only she was awake. She'd tell him that this was the wrong way to handle the situation. And where was Truce? It was around the time of her nightly visit with Sunshine. Adam would sometimes catch her going downstairs to look at the baby. She liked checking in on her to make sure she was alright, although sometimes her main purpose would be to lift up one of the baby's eyelids and watch her eye dance around. So where was she now? Adam wished he hadn't ordered her to go to sleep so soon? She definitely would've been in there checking on Sunshine if only she hadn't been ordered to go to sleep. Finally, Adam realized that Sunshine's body had relaxed. He untucked the corners of the blanket and folded it back neatly.

Then he placed the

pillow back on the rocking chair and left the room in ghostly silence. Just for a moment, Adam stood outside Nora's bedroom in bitter-sweet triumph, proud to have saved his sister from humiliation, and yet demoralized by the deed. Adam ran outside into the barn located behind the house. He fell on a stack of hay face down. He heard the crying of a grown man, but could not figure out where it was coming from. It was so near, yet nobody was around. Adam blamed the townsfolk for what had just happened. For, had it not been for their ignorance, Sunshine would've been able to live just as

15

proudly as any of them. Those evil, back-biting, gossiping townsfolk. They’ll get theirs, he thought.

The next morning, Truce found it strange not to have been awakened by her sister's cries.

She wondered about it for a while, then livened up

when she heard her mother calling her from below. "Truce, would you please bring Mama a clean diaper for Sunshine?" Truce happily obliged her mother. When she entered the room, Nora was rocking in the chair with Sunshine in her arms, gently stroking her hair as she hummed. Truce handed her the cloth diaper and watched curiously as Nora used it to replace one that had become wet around the baby’s neck. She then picked up Sunshine's uncapped bottle and brought it to the baby's rigid lips. Truce wondered why her mother would attempt to feed the baby while she was apparently sleeping.

Perplexed, and yet not wanting to

second guess Nora, Truce urgently began looking around for the nipple to the bottle. It had somehow fallen onto the floor and rolled beneath the bassinet. "Here, Mama," Truce said handing it to her. "You have to use this." "Put it down. Mama doesn't need it," Nora responded, never taking her eyes off of Sunshine. "But Sunshine's too little to drink milk without her nipple. Gimme it, Mama," said the little girl reaching her hand out for the bottle. "I will put it on for you." But her hand was slapped away abruptly. The sharp smack was followed by an eerie silence. Truce backed away, staring at her mother as she held onto the baby’s nipple. The stinging in her hand was growing more intense.

Yet the pain of the slap did not hurt as much as Nora’s chilling

glare. “I’m sorry, Mama,” Truce trembled. 16

"I’ve told you that she does not need her nipple,” yelled a visibly shaken Nora. “And since you are of no help to me, attend to your chores. Now!” she ordered. “Her food cannot settle if she is agitated." In tears, Truce retreated to her room where she placed the nipple beneath her mattress.

"Adam, wake up. Mama says we gotta do our chores. She said we gotta do ‘em now, Adam." Adam got up and dressed while Truce did the same. He had noticed that her eyes were red and that she kept rubbing her hand as though it had an annoying itch.

But he resisted the urge to say anything unless Truce

brought it up herself. He didn't want to baby her anymore than necessary. While Adam gathered the eggs, Truce stood by solemnly. "Why ain't you out there pumpin' the water?" Adam snapped some time later. "Because I don't feel like doin' it." "Oh yeah? And since when do we not do what we don’t feel like doin’ around here?" "Since Mama yelled at me. I'm not gonna like her today, Adam. She yelled at me." "Well if it was because you was bein' hard headed like you are now, she was right for yellin' at you.

Now go get the water so she can start

breakfast. I don't feel like hearin' none of your whinin' this mornin'." "But I didn't even do nothin' wrong, Adam.

And she fussed at me

anyway. She fussed because the baby didn't have the nipple on her bottle. And she got mad at me when I tried to put it on for her." 17

Adam stopped what he was doing, but only for a moment. It was a rather cool morning and he hoped that Truce hadn’t noticed the perspiration on his forehead. "Go get that water like I said, Truce. Go on. Get!" Truce turned and walked away slowly. As she reached the door, she turned back around as though she had forgotten something very important. Sensing her troubled presence, Adam once more stopped his work to return her stare. But this time, he didn't have the heart to raise his voice at her. "What do you want, Truce?" he yielded. "Are we still goin' fishin' later on, Adam? I mean, if I'm good?" "Yeah. Sure. If you're good."

"Mama, why does Sunshine have to sleep in the kitchen while we eat?" Truce asked during supper one night. "Because I don't want her to be alone when she wakes up." "Be quiet, Truce," Adam said, covering is anxiety with fake annoyance. "And eat your food." "But I don't want her in here while I'm eatin'. She always smells like bad milk and poo-poo." "Go to bed," Nora snapped.

"You will not finish your supper this

evening." "But I'm hungry." "Do as she says," Adam shouted. Once Truce had left, Nora lifted the tightly wrapped child from the bassinet and began to cradle her. "Don't you fret my sweet angel." She spoke softly as Adam stopped eating to observe her behavior. "Mama knows

18

you're a sweet baby," she continued. "You just have to understand that your sister is jealous of you because you're new and you're so precious..." "Ma," Adam suddenly interrupted, "the baby . . . she sleeps a lot." "Well of course. She must sleep in order to grow.” “But this much? Don’t she sleep too much, Ma? If you want I can ask Miss Sarah to come look at her. Make sure she’s alright and all.” “Now, never you mind, Adam. That will not be necessary. All of you slept much when you were infants.” Nora stroked the child’s face with the back of her hand, then pressed her hand against her own cheek for a moment. “Son, is there something the matter?” she asked Adam after picking up on his discomfort. “No. Nothin’ at all.” “You know, Adam, I'm really proud of you for finally accepting Sunshine. She'll need a big brother around as she grows up. You can help me to raise her, just the way you're helping with Truce. Would you like that?" “Um, yeah. Okay. I’ll do that,” Adam said grabbing a cloth to wipe the sweat off his forehead. “But I’m tired right now,” he said hurrying from the table. “I’m so tired.” Adam left the house that evening and did not return until morning.

By the eleventh day, all of Nora's time was being devoted to Sunshine. Her other children barely existed in her mind.

Adam was understanding

about his mother’s obsession with the baby, but Truce had become bitter toward them all.

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"Why ain't you in the house gettin' your homework done?" Adam asked Truce while nailing down a loose board on the porch floor. "Can I do my homework out here, Adam?" "Truce, get in the house. You're in my way." "But it smells bad in there. And I bet it's because of Sunshine, too." "Well if it smells so bad, how come me or Ma ain't complainin'?" "Well I don't know about you. But I think that Ma loves Sunshine so much, she even loves the smell of her. She doesn’t care if she stinks. But I figure Sunshine might not smell so bad if only Ma would change her. But she won't. And I always tell her Sunshine’s diaper needs changin'. But she won't listen to me 'cause she thinks I'm jealous." Adam remained silent for a moment.

Then he rose to his feet and

walked over to his sister. "Don't worry Truce," he said taking one of her long braids and running his hand down the length of it. "Everything will be okay." "But Ma don't love me no more,” Truce cried. “She only loves that old Sunshine. She talks to her all the time and Sunshine can't even talk back. But she never talks to me no more, Adam. And I talk all the time. I hold real good conversations. Mrs. Blake even said so.” “That’s just Mrs. Blake’s way of sayin’ you talk too much,” Adam said, using the end of Truce’s braid to tickle her nose. He allowed a snicker to escape him. Though his smile lasted but a split second, it meant a lot to Truce. She had missed the sight of it. Adam had missed the feeling of it. “That’s not so funny,” Truce said giggling more than necessary. She wanted desperately to make her brother smile some more.

“You’re just

makin’ fun of me, Adam.” "I just don't want you to worry yourself about Ma and the baby, okay? So go do your homework so I can finish this up here. " 20

Truce turned to go into the house as told. But as was customary, she did an about face. “Hey Adam? Did I make you happy just now?” she asked still picturing his smile. From a knelt position, Adam looked up at the dimpled-face little girl. “You always make me happy, Truce,” he admitted tiredly. “Thanks, Adam.” Then she went into the house.

Hours would go by with Nora not leaving her room at all, other than to use the bathroom or to get more milk to waste on Sunshine. By now, Truce had given up on convincing Nora to use the nipple.

It just wasn’t worth

another scolding.

"Adam, I'm hungry,” Truce cried banging on the wooden table. "I told you I'm fixin’ the food. Now shut up." "Why don't Mama cook no more?" "You know she gotta take care of the baby. Quit yappin’ and eat this," he said placing a plate of partly burnt rice and watery peas in front of her. Truce frowned at the food, but didn't think it was wise to voice her opinion at that time. Adam also prepared a plate for his mother. He watched her from the doorway as she rocked with Sunshine. "Oh Adam," Nora said once she noticed him, "I forgot all about supper for you and your sister." She attempted to get up. "It's okay, Ma." He placed the food on a table next to her. "I already cooked. Try to eat something." 21

Nora looked at the food and had a reaction similar to Truce’s. Adam knew he should’ve been insulted, but was actually glad to see his mother exhibit emotions to something other than the baby. "Adam,” she said, “I'm sorry I haven't been paying any attention to you and Truce “ "That's alright, Ma." "It's just that I have to make sure Sunshine is properly cared for. I don't want anything to harm her," she smiled. "You understand?" "I understand. I can take care of me and Truce. Don’t worry." "What day is this, Adam?” "Thursday." "There’s school tomorrow. I must iron." Nora made another attempt to stand but was gently restrained by Adam. "I can iron, Ma. You just take care of Sunshine." Nora reached for her son’s hand. She pulled him closer and kissed him on the cheek. As she did so, Adam stared down at the child resting in his mother’s arm. "Would you like to hold her, Adam?” Adam’s heart beat painfully hard against his rib cage. This was the closest he had been to the baby since - since he last kissed her.

“You haven't held her yet, Adam.

Why?

Why

haven't you held her yet?" "Later Ma,” Adam said standing up straight. “Maybe later. When she's bigger."

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"You made very yucky food tonight, Adam. It got my stomach hurtin' somethin’ awful," Truce said while getting into bed.

“Just had to let you

know.” "Go to sleep," Adam whispered unsteadily. "I'll be glad when Sunshine gets big so Mama can cook for us again. You just don’t have the talent to cook. You don't know how to iron, my braids are too tight and you got three problems wrong on my math homework last night. You said you could help me, but you got three wrong? You’re big and you don’t even know how to do a little child’s math. “All this is Sunshine’s fault,” she continued. “I don't know why Ma has to love her so much in the first place.

She don't even open her eyes no

more. And she always smells. And Ma smells just like her. I wish it could be just us again, Adam. Me and you. I wish Sunshine was never born. The house smelled good before she came. It smelled like apple pie and vanilla cookies all the time." Adam was silent as he sat on the bed across from Truce’s. He thought about closing the thin, off-white curtain used to separate them. But instead he decided to put his slippers back on and leave the room. "Hey Adam, where're you goin'?

You said it's time for bed."

Adam

turned around quickly to quiet his sister. "Shhh. Hush now before you wake up Ma . . . and the baby. I'll be back soon." Clad only in his pajamas, Adam went out to the shed and retrieved a shovel. From there, he went behind the house to finish what he had begun. The ground was damp and cold, but Adam worked fiercely, sweating and sneezing, until the hole was just the right size.

23

"Don't make a sound," Adam said putting a sweater on Truce.

He

carried her down the stairs in one arm, and in the other arm he held the quilt that he grabbed off his bed. “Here.

Hold this,” he said, giving the quilt to Truce.

He left her

standing in front of Nora’s bedroom, where she watched as Adam tipped toward the bassinet. It seemed like it was just a few minutes ago that Adam had ordered her to go to sleep. But it must’ve been longer than that because Truce had already begun to dream. It was a good dream, something about her father bringing her a pony of her very own. Truce thought it was real until she felt herself being lifted out of bed. She was about to go for her very first pony ride. But instead she was standing outside of their mother’s room watching Adam steal Sunshine from the bassinet. It was all so confusing. "What're you doin'?" Truce whispered, covering her nose. Adam glanced back at his mother. She was still asleep. It was safe. Quickly, he lifted Sunshine's tightly wrapped body out of the bassinet, releasing a slight cough as he did. When he left the room, he took the quilt that Truce was holding and wrapped it around the baby. “It’s cold outside,” he said barely audible. Then he grabbed Truce by the hand and they hurried out of the house. Truce followed her brother, not knowing where he was leading her nor why. She wanted to ask questions but didn't want to risk being yelled at. She remained quiet until they reached the hole behind the house. Then, she could hold out no longer. "Adam, I'm cold. Why are we out here anyway?" "Shh, quit fussin'.”

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"But it's dark.

And I'm scared.

And we're gonna get in trouble for

bringin' the baby out here." Adam knelt to the ground, cradling Sunshine in his arms.

How he

wished he could have felt her warmth against his flesh once more. He pulled back the blanket to expose her face and the two of them stared at her. "She looks funny, Adam," Truce noticed as she observed Sunshine's ashen face. "Is she sick or somethin'?" Adam did not respond, but continued to cradle the baby in the same manner in which he had seen his mother do. "Could we go inside now? Sunshine could catch her death out here and we would really be in trouble then, Adam." Adam's mind had traveled elsewhere. Truce's voice was only a distant echo to him. "Well, if anything happens to the baby,” she continued, “I'm gonna tell Mama it was your fault. Not mine. And then she'll blame you because you're the oldest. You should know better. So, I'm not worried." She folded her arms across her chest. When the only interruption to the silence was the howling winds, Adam broke from his trance and lowered the tiny body into the ground. "What are you doin'?" Truce shrieked. The expression on her face was of disbelief. Adam brought her next to him, vainly trying to quiet her down. She was crying, but wisely covered her own mouth to avoid waking up their mother inside. Adam pulled up the tail of his shirt and used it to wipe his sister's teary face. "Quit fussin',” he whispered. "Adam, take her out. Please take her out of that hole," Truce begged. "She might die if you leave her in there too long. I didn't mean what I said before. I really am glad she's with us. I really do want her to be my sister

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now, and I promise not to say nothin' about the way she smells ever again. I don't want us to kill her Adam. Please take her out." "Shh, hush fussin', Truce.

You don't have to worry about Sunshine.

She's just restin', is all." "Then let's take her back to bed. Worms might eat her if we leave her here 'til mornin'. And what if Mama finds out? Then what?" "It's gonna be alright, Truce. Nothin' bad can happen to our baby sister now." "But, the worms . . ." "She'll be just fine." "But if you keep her in that hole, we can't see her no more and Mama will be real sad and I'll miss Sunshine an awful lot." "We'll see her again some day. I promise." "But when, Adam?

Are we gonna dig her up again, like tomorrow,

maybe?" "Another day, Truce," he assured her. "Are you sure, Adam?" Adam placed a reassuring arm around her. "Look over there," he said softly, pointing toward the eastern sky. “Can you see the sun risin’?" Truce's cries had now let up to a sniffle. She felt safe in her brother's arms. "Uh-huh." "Sunshine’s up there in that sky, in a place called heaven.” “I know about heaven,” Truce said happily. “I’m from there. I played jump-rope with the angels.”

26

“I know. And Sunshine was from there, too. And she wanted to go back so she could be happy with all the other babies that Mama lost.” “You mean, like Tobias?” “Yep. Him too.” Truce turned her body slightly so that she was facing Adam. Feeling the need to help her brother understand the situation at hand, she began to speak slowly, choosing her words thoughtfully. “You know something, Adam? Mama probably didn’t know this. And you either. But I think that Sunshine was like Tobias. Maybe not in the very beginnin’, but later on, she got like Tobias.

But I don’t think Mama

understands all the way. I think she’s afraid to understand, Adam. Maybe we can help her, right?” For the first time in her life, Truce saw Adam cry.

She had always

looked up to him, because he was strong, brave, never afraid and knew everything. And now he was crying. The pain he had kept deep within for so long was being uprooted now. Truce felt sorry for her brother. He seemed to be taking Sunshine’s death harder than she was. “I didn’t know you liked her that much,” Truce whispered as she stood up and wrapped her scrawny arms around Adam’s neck. With each groan that escaped from him, Truce would squeeze him tighter, and let up just long enough to pet him gently on his back. “It’s okay, Adam. Just let it all out,” she urged in her best grownup voice. And though their roles seemed to have reversed momentarily, Truce was not ashamed of her brother. He was the same brave, strong big brother she had always known. For even his tears were bold, the way they slid so fearlessly down his cheeks.

27

After some time, Adam was able to control his emotions. Ashamedly, he wiped his face as dry as he could and reprised his role of the protective big brother. Picking up a handful of dirt, Adam began sprinkling it over Sunshine's body. Truce watched as he did. "Wanna help me?" he asked her, his voice still broken.

Truce was

uncertain. Maybe Adam was making a mistake, Truce thought as she looked down at her sister's body.

She then lifted her eyes to Adam. The water in

them reflected the eastern horizon. “If you think this is right, then I will help you.” Truce held out her small hands to receive dirt from Adam. She then held her hands over the hole, holding onto the dirt for as long as possible.

As though she were giving

Sunshine one last chance to cry or do something. Anything. But her arms grew tired, and she had to relinquish her hold. She closed her eyes as the dirt fell from her hands.

Refusing to accept another handful from Adam,

Truce jumped to her feet and ran into the house. "I'll be back, Adam." Left alone, Adam wondered if Truce had gone inside to wake up their mother. His first thought was to run in after her and stop her. But then he thought that maybe it would be best if Nora were there with them. Shortly, Truce returned. Alone. She seemed excited about something as she limped back and sat next to Adam. He noticed that she was clutching something in her small fist. It was Sunshine’s nipple. “She can take this with her to heaven.” While Adam held her steadily secured, Truce leaned over the hole and pulled the blanket away from Sunshine's face, just enough to expose her mouth. Not knowing her intentions, Adam decided to remain silent. Truce

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then placed the nipple on top of the baby’s mouth, where it rolled around a bit before landing securely between her cheek and blanket. Adam leaned forward and pulled the blanket back over Sunshine’s face, making sure the corners were neatly tucked.

By the time the sun had fully exposed itself, Truce and Adam had completed their task.

Unconcerned about the chilly air that surrounded

them, the two remained next to Sunshine until they had fallen asleep. Adam woke up with Truce’s head resting heavily upon his chest. For a few quick seconds he did not know why they were out there. But the damp ground beneath him and the small, raised mound nearby quickly reminded him of the events which had taken place over the last couple of hours. The sun’s light seemed especially intense on this morning, as Adam found it necessary to shade his eyes from its brightness. He had thought about taking Truce to bed, but could not bring himself to leave Sunshine just yet. After nearly an hour of lying there awake, Adam felt that it was now time to leave. “Truce?” he called gently. The little girl lifted her head and offered him a smile, although her eyes were still closed. “Wake up, Truce,” he said nudging her. Truce forced her lids to part as the two of them sat up. That was when the brightness faded. Adam looked at the sky, only to find that the sun, whose light had been so intense just moments earlier, was now being smothered by a thick, dark cloud. It was the only cloud in the sky. And it remained in front of the sun, as if on purpose.

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Calmly, Adam reached out his hand and placed it upon Sunshine’s grave.

Truce watched quietly as he whispered something inaudible, then

leaned forward and kissed the mound. And as the two of them rose to their feet, the hovering cloud began to drift across the horizon. And the morning was bright once more.

THE END

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