A Zombie Survival Guide

A Zombie survival guide By S. Lei Ferguson An aside to the Zombie Diary. There are a lot of zombie survival guides out there, but there are not so very many zombie survival guides. I touched up on a few guidelines for the unliving, but they would hardly be truly survival guides in case of an apocalypse. I mean, what if Iraq's WMD's (That's Wilkinson-Meyers Syndrome (type I) had actually been turned loose rather than been destroyed by the collective efforts of the UK and their former protectorates and colonies? Here is a short guide. 1. If you are reading this, and you are infected with WMD, I must assume you have retained some intelligence or that you are about to die and become a reanimate. Step 1 is already complete. You are prepared to be a zombie leader. If the last condition is true, just sit at this terminal, kiosk, or home computer and wait. If in 24-48 hours you can still read this, proceed with the remaining post. If you are a bokor and reading this, you are probably anticipating unleashing a horde to cause mass chaos. It's really not my thing, but hey, whatever pleases your loa and djab. Read on for some insightful tips on keeping your z's shuffling longer. 2. Check the USDA hardiness zones. These are very important for you. Normally they would be used by the living to determine which plants to put into their gardens. There are worldwide climate maps there as well. Find the zones that are 7 and above. These zones are ideal for masses of zombies to congregate, because it will be less likely for us to freeze solid. That and a vast majority of the brains will be there. Most coastal zones are at least a zone 7, and 90% of the world's population lives within 100 miles of a coastline. They will be the first places to fall in the coming apocalypse. I am quite sorry to the poor souls living on the islands of Ireland and England. They are in hardiness zones 9 10 and 11. 3. Since you have intelligence, you have the potential to lead your own horde. WMD sufferers, no matter of they are aware or mindless, can recognize the disease in one another. None of the mindless undead will ever attack another, and they become quite confused when a WMD attacks them. In that case they tend to whimper and cower like

animals. If you are a reanimate and you are reading this, You already have the advantage over them. If you have discovered, as I have, that it is possible to direct the mindless ones, then you have every tool you need to keep your own food supply. Try to keep your existence quiet for as long as you can. Plot to place the indless in strategic "feeding" places and trigger them when the large wave hits. With luck, you will scare people onto the streets where they will be food for the ravenous hordes of the abyss. 4. Scare then tear. Remember this. Frightened people cannot shoot straight. It is really the best to scare them stupid. Humans get that deer in the headlights look if you do it right. Show some viscera. That really gets them going. Once they're terrified, and are rooted to the spot, eat them. 5. Remember that you have eternity on this earth, which is what mankind has sought since the beginning, or merciful death from destruction, which relieves you of your cursed existence. It's a win-win situation for you and a losing situation for humans. Therefore, you must have patience. The brains will come. 6. You might consider leaving the bunkers full of tasty humans desperately trying to fend for their lives. Call it Darwinian justice. The foolish mortals who have gotten in your path of destruction are all eaten or have joined the horde of shambling corpses. Remember #5. Close quarters and Co-ed situations lead to the inevitable Hollywood situations. There will come a time when those bunkers are full, and they will come out. This makes them like people farms. Hell, you might even try gathering food, since it will go wild everywhere. Desperate humans will eat anything, and the thought of zombies gathering food is sure to instill in them a sense of despair for their situation. No human wants to be treated like cattle. 7. Avoid zombie hunters. Don't do like in the movies and try to charge them and kill them. That just leads to messy situations all around. The reason is that you never know who is legitimate until you find yourself in an end-game situation. Try to avoid humans deducing the methods of your demise. The more they think you are unstoppable, the more they will fear you. On zombie hunters: Mostly, Z hunters are all a combination of a few factors:

1) insane 2) psychotic 3) pissed drunk 4) paranoid 5) in college 6) has just watched a zombie movie 7) is a conservative 8) is a rabid religious zealot (almost all mainstream religion) I am very much in favor of treating the undead like the dead. I am fine when you stare into my empty, glassy eyes. It’s ok to shuffle your feet a bit and be nervous around me and wonder if I will go to a better place. Probably I will. I mean, in a couple of months when it gets cold I will go to a better place like Haiti (better is relative remember) where our kind are in abundance, even if most of them are a bit brain damaged and slow, and I won't freeze solid waiting for the bus in the Caribbean. With the right connections, even a foreign zombie like can exist pretty decently. I fly as far as Puerto Rico, and then swim. No pulse, no problem. Well, anyway, its simple to move from dead to undead on paper--unrest in peace, unlife liberty and the persuit of brains, you only die twice, you know how it goes. Really, we should be content to be in the shadows, literally and figuratively. Figuratively, because of these hunters, and literally because our existence tends to raise some very large questions. The problem with being undead is that eventually, some nut case will find you. Our existence attracts the sort of people who follow sketchy science and read tabloids for the latest news. Let me give you an example. One evening, I was walking around outside of town, enjoying seeing life in the spring, minding my own business, and I was indulging on a road killed deer, (I do actually enjoy carrion. there is just something about spoiled meat that satisfies better than fresh) when Wham! Shotgun blast from behind, loaded with silver salts. Six guys

(its always GUYS) one pickup truck, a half-keg of Bud and enough ammo to arm the Texas State Militia. So, then they run me over. I can’t tell you how much of a pain that is. All the while they whooping and jeering like the Indians off of the old talkies. Imagine their surprise when I got up after being mangled by their truck! Then it was more shots. I expected that. I was trying to limp away into the brush where I could lay low. They caught up with me pretty fast. It was only by luck that one fell out of the truck bed as they bounced off the road. Too bad for him, I needed to snack. The guy was incapacitated, and I dispatched him fairly easily. That scared the shit out of his buddies, who took off and left their dead friend for me to eat. I ate him and called the sheriff; after all, what else could I do? I called the one who knows me, which is how the news got to reporting that the guys went to look for their buddy only to find him dead and chewed upon by wild animals. The Sheriff always reprimands me for taking extreme measures. I reminded him that I was under permanent contract with the Army, and he laid of pretty quickly. I am fortunate enough to have an understanding with human law enforcement. They all know quite well that the only time I kill humans is when I have been wounded. Usually, I am only wounded when someone is hunting me. You see, if you living lot would just leave me be I wouldn't have to eat anyone. It's that simple. Meanwhile, both my arms were shattered, and that took a long time to heal. So anyways, for you hunters out there, as well as new victims of WMD that may be interested, here is a list of things that won't kill us, but will really piss us off: •

Silver

•

Shotguns

•

any other type of gun

•

running me over

•

decapitation

•

exsanguinations

•

drowning

•

electrocution

•

stabbing

•

drugs and poisons

That’s not an exhaustive list, but you get the picture. There are definite things that will kill us off, but like I would tell anyone outright. Besides, it should be fairly obvious. Also, it should be noted that we have a very limited sense of touch. We can't feel pain. It is just not possible anymore. We can feel heat, cold, and pressure, but we could burn our hand to the bone, we could freeze untill what passes for our blood turns crystalline, you could run us over all day long, (that is A pain, but it is not truly painful), and we will feel nothing other than: its warmer than normal, its colder than normal, and also that pushed pretty hard. Severing something leaves a vague phantom sensation like tearing. It’s kind of inexplicable. But it's something I have to be careful of If you are anything like me, you may develop a real love/hate relationship with motor vehicles. I love to use them, but I always wind up getting hurt by them. That and I think some drivers deserve an ass chewing by me for their driving habits. They're just lucky I'm already dead. And when I mean Ass chewing I really mean it. I will chew on their asses, and then their tender legs and all of their juicy organs. . . Er. . .maybe I should not have revealed that, but you have to understand the problems you will go through if you have contracted this disease. For us, fresh human flesh is an addiction; you can't eat just one. As much as I try to avoid indulging my primal urges to consume, when I am injured, living people had better watch out because I can't control everything, and humans do taste good. We need their parts to regenerate our own. That is just the price for being undead. That's not evil, that's survival. All I have to say about zombie hunters is that you're all a load of sick so-and-sos who can't take it out on the living so you pick on the undead. So what if society accepts that sort of thing? As a sentient undead creature I have the right to exist if I choose, and while I have no qualms with killing the lot of you, I am healed, so I am just not hungry right now. Look, if some government unleashes a virulent pack of reanimated corpses, and the whole world turns into some shuffling, rotting, cesspool of the walking dead, by all means go to town, but leave the intelligent ones alone. We're the ones who are going to

rule this planet after such a scenario anyways. All you living folk will just have to suck it.