(1703) Shortest Way With Whores And Rogues

FN7I1

;

29; 3M

4

'

THE

WITH Whores and Rogues

.*

A New

Or,

PROJECT FOR

Dedicated to Mr. Darnel de Fos^ Author of the ShoHefi Way with DiJffenietSo *—»«

I

1

I

I

1

LONDON, Printed in the Year 170?. ,

m

I

I

II

r

!

' Ii

1

'""

'"" '

"

->»

0mm^'^^mtm^it^

THE

DEDICATIO TO Mr.

Daniel de

Foe^

Author of the Shorteji-Way wi the Diffenters. Satyrical Sir^

Haveydmo^g

the

F E W,

tho* thought

worth while^perufedyonrShoTtQ^ Way with the Diflenters^ dnd it

has been for Jeveral Received Cnjiom among

thg

it

Months^ a

MEN OF

LETTERS,

to look

no further into a Book

when they fee The True Born Englifliman in the Title Page^ yet I who' pretend more Cnriofity than Difcretion in that hour Cafe^ did travel (I affnre yoit) in your And, thd I tQ

SHORT-WAY:

defign to be civiler to

A

2

pn^ in *

m

this

De-

dicatiQii

•

The

Dedication.

diC2itionfhanj/ou vpere to ^^^ Diffenters |

I muji

,jef

tell joH (ketmqujLQf:^:

a/^dlMr.

Foe,) theirHands can never he clean that

much Dir^ inH

throiv fd

other

Mens

Faces.

Mr^ Foe, liadyoH^

vfihenjonrjhei^d us

SHORTEST-WAY

the

to fnpprefs

Diffenters, Jhewn vs the Shcrteji fupprefs

WHORES

artd

the

Way to

ROGUES,

you

had done your Country Service : But^ •J/r, (tho' you are A Short-Way Inyen-^ ter, yet

')

it

appears by your Reformatio

on-Poeni (wherein you Jlander the heji Men in the Nation^ that the defign of all your Satyrs is to expofe Particular Persons, not to Reform the Age. &V, Tou have been huge Witty in expO" Sir Charles fing Sir Robert J

D—

and

other eminent Perfons

^

but (by never

looking at home)you are the greatep

FOE

to your fe If.

ingagd Projeft for Reformation, Satyrs have

Siry thefe abufive

we

in

A New

Tvhirein

I endeavoir

to Satyrize

(not the Difienters) ^^W neral

<^

way, that

I do

it

VICE

infoGc-

noae but the Guilty

will wince«

Siry

The

Dedication.

convert

Sir, (to

teach us the

Diffenters) you

the

SHORT DOCTRINE

Fire and Faggot

5

and I

of

here propofe as

SHORT a

way to clear the Kingdom of Whores and Rogues, and 'tis time to take

the

SHORTEST-WAY

rpith

this

fort of Cattle 5 for are not all Varieties of Sins lifted to their Vertical Point >

Demi

Is not the

(that jttbtil Impojlor)

pat to his Nil Ultra, in Coining them fo faji as Men woud willinglj/ put them in PraSice, But Sir^ yoiiU findin thefol^ lowing Satyr ^ that I am not lefs afraid than yoii to fay Sin is Sin 3 for as Vile as the Age

is ^

a

Man may yet

fafety reprove Sin, than

with more

commit it : I con-

Wlioredom and.YyA)^\XQ\\^x^ have jo many Friends^ that my prop ojing A Short W^ytofupprefs it wi^ bring upon me a whole Rabble of Rogues and Vy\\ox^s.,who will be apt to cal/ me aS^tyYi{\:,2i Precifian^a Fa-

fifs

ratick

fich as thefe willnot bear to hear either of God or the Devil, of Heaven or Hell nor of any Projeft that fhould niove theni to Repentance : When Lot went about to dijfxcade the Sodomites ^

from their Abominations^ were they not an*'

Did they thou to do

gry with him ^

not fay to him^

What

to take

haft

upon thee

The

DedicatioQ.

and Jadge us? BhI fun M^?^ (be he Rich or Poor)

tiaeeto correct

I amy

that

that hath this hardnefs of Hearty that he fuither fee let h his omft Sin^ and wont he

J&ld of it by another^ he is no more of the Race ^/Adam, who was afliamed of bimfelf, ^/^^^/Pharoah, who hardnedhk evpn Heart,

I htow

the Sinners

ready to fay^

We

of Quality mil he

go to Church every

Sunday, and fome of us keep Chaplains iif read Prayers, then how dare yon cen" fure f£s that are Conftant Church-men, £t»d both Fear God and Honour the Qr»een.

To

this

I

Afifwer

—

I own.

Gentle*

yon go to Church,, hnt 'tis to fmv jaiir Pomp and Pride ^ or rather yon go if Sermons ^/ludas went to the Sapper cfthe hard 5 far {ifyou go to Church and ^illlivein a known ^in^ yon return hom^ la a. warfe cafe than you went thither. There are many wilt go to Church, thef will not mifs aStrmon, they have their Books carried after them, they are very piOTy

£ttentive^ they confent to the

the^-fiy his

Da&m/e

is

Preacher^

good, but being

own Homes, what ^Reformation; or Amendment of Life > ei/ee

returned t» their

.

The

Heaven and HcU FiSwm^ und that the T^brtAt-

they fill live vpert tsjur

Dedication,

as if

mmgs dm^iin£cd hj she Preacher^ vpere ^11 Dx^ams^ iu//, GmtUt^im^ be not deceived, neither Fornicator, neither Anor Idaloter (hall Inheritthe Kingdom of God. Ltt fuchjlxtt^r them-

dulterer,

jfdv£s ^i ibey ph^fe, they are in a d^n-' ^QX'JDHs Condition^ and ht their Pedigree

ie su^erfo with them.

LONG I<:mt ht too SHOKT

Thefe ihinTz ^tts time tnmgh te M.ef€nt whznthiir Climafterleal Year is C'omei^

oMd then if they have but time t
m

longer^

IkmnpQJir. Tot)fome mil thk^li me: to& SHORT ^i^A thefe Lords and Ladies {that wou'd approve mylaftiingthe lit-^ tie SmnQxs)j?nt

for

.can

I he

lam

not of this Opinion |

toe ferious

and bold in ex-

^Uimingagdnji Pride^ ^gaifjjl Adultery^ ^gdnfi Diunkennefs, dgainfi Svy-earing, ^^d ^gawji fiich 0ther m^djhgre:^.! tiiiDio^

^

The ties as

1 think,

Dedication.

finceit

Ram d

Fire and

Brimjlom n^on Sodom and Gomorah^ not now there was never the like : If it he time

tobeSnOKi:

with

Whores^»^

B-Ogues (however dignified and

guimed)

it is

at an end. Ihave not

high time the

diftin^

World wert n

,

r

medled (in this Satyr) with

any thing that is repugnant to Religioii, mr have I jldnder'd any Mans Private Perfon^ Heave that (Mr. Foe) tojoa^ who have fnch a (watchlefs^ Talent at Perf6nal-Slandering5 yet have I taken the

SHORTEST-Way 2PiVA Rogues ^/^^

Whores ^ and if my Satyr prove difiajiefd there he oto fome Palates, yet I hope thers that will hetter relijhit

that Jhall think

it too tart,

let

5

for thofe

themnfett

i^theJledddfVcxjuk^, for fweej Meats Same. are ever heft relifljd with foHre But at worft 'tis SHORT,^^^ Penketiv

man tells,

that every thing that is

SHORT

SHORT Commons^ SHOTT Payments and SHORT hofes. However, Sir, if my SHORT^WAY

pleafes.

be

except

it

he

plain and hlunt^

refembles its Sire

5

like his Father, it

^

it

fo much the more

and for a Child tobe^ Uis a pgn that he ts

Mr*

iThe Dedication;

Mr. FoCj I make no doubt but my Sa^

tyr

will pledfc ds tHdny at

I

defire

fiouldy and thofe are the moderate good People 3 I fay the moderate

it

and and

good People 5 fir I knovf ^>&tf Adiilterer mil not endure it 5 the Drunkard vpUI, te angry mth it \ the Blafphemer will fwear at it 5 the Bribe-taker mil defpite it 5 the Papift mil burn it 5 and (to con-^ elude) perhaps Mr. Foe will mpe hit

A

-with

it ^

for there

is

no Guilty

Confcience that will willingly

entertairt'

hut for thefe and the reji that ara gauldy if t rub them unawares^ 'tis but Chance-medley, and then I hope IJhall it 5

obtain a Pardon of Courfe Protejiing (^as Ifaid before) that I have not aimed at

any one particularly that hath not a Guilty Confcience to accufe him 5 hut if after all I have faid (jo excufe my being fo

SHORT

with

Whores and

Rogues) any Jhoud think myS2ityristop bitter 5 let

Him

ufeitas an Apothecaries-

Pilly that the more Bitter the more Purg" ging.

ThuSy Sir^ have account

oj

I

given you a brief the Short Way I take with

Whores and Rogues. 9,

And

The

DedicatiOHl.

^'-Jndtovphom cau Ifo proper Ijt dedicate

Ms

Nature as to Mr. Foe, w'^& d Satyr of (by publijhmg The True Born Englilh-

Man, and other

Pamphlets)

fnarling

v^oud bethought ^ Mighty Critick in the

Works of But

.

Darknefs.i >'^

Sir^ tho

•

;^

yoH and I have

Opimofi of DsLukl Foe

(^the

htgk Hofe Faftor this

HO

RT,? of Free-mans-Yard^ j/e^, in S every Man elfe thmks you a fcandalous and fedicious. Author Qforfo the Gazet calls you.) and for this Reafon^ our Gracious Queen has promised fifty Pounds to any one that. flyallfd%e you and *tisnot doubt ed(ifyou Are not trippd to Holland) hut your long Chin, and Mold in your Face, wiU (TSHORTLYJ put a Pre,

-^

ternatural

Hook

in your

Roman

Nofe.

But dont expe^ when the Halbcrt Gentlemen do you the honour to guard your Psrfony

that the DilTenters

/W^i

jland by you fexped to pelt you with rotten Eggs.) No^ Mr. Foe, you are not of their Par-. ty, except (by your advifeing the Govern* ^ ment to Jiang 'em all at once) it be hj .

mj of

IRONIE.

And

The

Dedicationi

Gfaurch of England. fkalljljovpyonas little Fauonras the Difftntcrs had met wiih, had ffpt oHrCom"'"^ jtion'Moth^V C^ho wakes Religion afid^ Moderation tht principal Jewel of her' Crown) abhoredyonr SHORTEST-WAY.'^ to mine her Titjfenting SuhjeBs 3 even in:^ thisPropofal (as Ker Majefty has proitiis'dto maintain the AS: of Toleratidn) yoH have endeavour d to Ljhl the '

A^d

tpo

(7/Y;5e

^-'^JSnesnin the World.'' ^f^^'' Sir (a, word in your Estry as //fuch as* Itmj/OHr Friend:, I mtJifajiy^iUf*^ Writing '

for,

and

yoH

to be one

againft' the Diffenters,

of the

ever talk' d fine

Woman*

greateji -^^-^B^c^ that:i

and

.^^'1

Mr.

Mrpi^

icpder thifir^ to 4:^

i^^wU

^^^Vi^viHr

from pNEthat wifhesyoH well^ and wont far* ther expofe you nnlefs you force him ^ Ask forgiveaefsof God and the Queen. -;:-:Xell the DiiTenters you are forry for what you have done, Difchargc your Printer, Publiftier, and other Perfons you have left in the Lurch. Look after your Brick and Pantile works After

all^

Fo.e, take advice

—

near Tilbury-Fort. And leave (landring of Hoiicft mem ~->-r "•if

r w

-

1

The

Dedication*

If God will not give yoH the GRACE tf follow this Advice^ I recommend yon t^

#^/

SHORT WAY

•f htirning joh (f^ ironically) defigndfor thef^i&nttrs^ony adding the Experiment qf a String to it^ end no Queftion but God in his ProvjiTdence has defigned fomething like that for you 3 for jour Sin efjlandering has foundyoH out^ and God's Judgments 4^

now follow yoHj

for endeavouring toRui^ the Diflenters under fretencc of beiftg\ iheir Friends

^Accept tbts pcntle Pcdic^tjon ^an4 feafonabUWdrning)fr6ft one thdt^nfftber Loves nor Fears youy (^apd were it J^vfy

ful) dares meet you at any Time irighier Weapon than a Pen.

^%^

pfitft

4

-i

:^fii i;

THE

'

THE

WITH Wkoref and Rogues^ &G. Am

here taking the Shortefi Way (that I cou'd find out) to la(ii Vice and Debauchery out of the World,

A

New Froje^ for KeforI call it tnauon^ as the Punilhments I propofe for the Whores and Rogues were never thought on before, but were thej put in Praftice, woiu'd make a Heaven on Earth I confefs the Phyfick I give is extr^am bitter, but the Age is dangeroully 111, and the Remedy (zs Dr. F obferves) muft be fomething Violent to be EjfeS^al, Sin is entrenched in an advantageous Poft, and, •,

—

np coming at it the ordinary way ^ 'tis battering at the Out-works^ nothing but

there's

no

Bombs and fir^ Works will d ifpoflefs fbgU tjblsirefor? propojfc A New Way '

it ;

|

R^, form

to

«

Cfie^lHJttea

ma?

Whores Knaves add and and Rogues (^and I may Fc^oh) may be either ScarM or Sham'd into and I (liall be as S H O R T better Lives with the Lzaws of 'Sinfu/^m/ity-^ for wheij they grow Lewd and Whorifh, they remove to another fet of Beings^ ancj njiuft expeft tp be inform'd againft, as they defer ve the Vumjhments I propo^ for 'em ; And I hope" Eone will be backward to inform againft 'em 9 for tho' the Infirrmers againft Diffenters were counted Scandalous Fellows, yec none can Inform againft Whores and Rogues^ fet- will have the Thanks of all good Men. That good Emperor Auguftus was never angry with Accufcrs, but thought it neceffory> that where tliere were (tore of Vicc$,

f$rm

the World^ that, if poflible, all

•,

there (hould likewife be many to find fault. And I think there is great occafion for it, when the Sins of all the World are every eay ingrofled and tranfported into ^^gland.

We have ftoln

away

Pride and Ambition of thQ Spaniard, the Fraud and Falfi kood of the French^ thQ Deceit arid Subtilty of the Italian^ the Drunkennef^ and have rqbb'd Swearing of the German; Ufury^ his the barbarous S/Vitaejftcof of his Rage arid Cruelty, the T;/^/^ and tlie

Wp

fa/?

1^^/ of his

wc

Infidelity and his Unbelief ^ fpoiled the Venetian Curtizans of have .

their alluring Vanities, to deck our EngUjt> Women in the new Fafhion : Arid Rome^th^t

fometimes ^tb -^''^

been worthily Renowned^ ,

bui;

but now reputed Sin,

we have

to be

the

very Sink

btought from them their

latry^ their Superftition^

of Uo-

their Fopcry^ their

and we have Robb'd the Pope himfelf and all his Colledge of Cardinals, both of their Luxury and their Letchcry 5 and all his whole Ramblement of Monks, Friers, and Maffing Priefts, of their Beaftly Ihis propagation of Sin^ that Poftures. World with the whole infeSed has their Abominations, thus tranfportcd into England^ are now refident and all entertained, not like Strangers^ but as Natives that had been Born and Bread in the CounHerefie

-,

try. It is faid

that Africa biingeth forth

New

e-

Monfler^ the Reafon is,^ vcry Year a that in the Dcfarts of that Country, the wild and favage Beaits, that are both divers in Nature, and contrary in Kind, will yet ingender the one with the o^ther : But England, hatcheth up every Month a new lAonfter^ every Week a new Sin^ and every Our Monfiers are notDay a new f'afhion bred in the Defarts^ as thofe in Africa^ but in every Town and G/j, where they are fowell cheriflied, that they multiply by Hundreds and by Thoufands. I own the AdttU r^r^rwill cry phough at the loathfome Sin of Drunketinejs 5 the Blafphemer will Swear the Ufurcr is a moft Damned Creature ^ the Extortioner will laugh at Pride, and make himfelf meiry with the Folly oi new FaihioD^. :

Cge ^Sotted

4

—- Thus

Ws^

every Vkwu^ LlUff can one deride another, but they cannot eridure to here themfelves detefted V and they^ will Laugh at the very fame linperft^ionsin another, that they cannot fee in themfelves^ butfuch as thefe are SlKgOrCganU 3BlO0Uei5, and I (hall take the Sfer/^^ ^i^^ to lupprefs them all I confels, as@{|'^t as rde bewith them, it is not poffible for i^fhlons.

-

.-

me

to fet

down how

this monfterous

Generation thus hatched up by g)fn, hath been from time to time procreated and brought into the World, one Sin Jii/I be* getting another. So that if 111 take the Shortefi Waymth Who^-es and Rugues, 'tis a dark Road that I have to go, ,qnd my fellow Travellers are a

company of Scoundrels^

However, that

my Frojelijor Kejormntion may fuczcd. the better (for methods fake) I'll firft take the Sborteji Way with the Froud HeSor andState^ ly

I.

Minks.

The

^

Shorteji

and

Way

with the Frond

Stately

Hedor

Minks/

Tride^ the Eldeft Daughter

of S/>, was Spaund in Heaven She was from thence' Expeil'd ^ but (he drew after her a great* DiiTolution of J;7^^/x. It was Pr/Jr that begat Contempt in Varadife^ where thercj was no Apple in thQ Garden fo wdl pleafing' to Eve^ as that which God had forbiddea" firlt

her.

;

It

Ma/ice^ and}^ •It was Co/If cmpt thzt hQ^ot Ma/ice again begot Murder^ when Cai/i kitled his Brother Abe//, As the Sons of Men incrcafed in the World, fo 5/> began to multiply fo faft, that God repented him that he had made

Man To

purge the World of her Abominathe Deluge came , and all were tions , Drown'd, except eight Perlons. After the Flood, amongft the Sons of Noab^ the Generation of the accurfed

Cham became

to be (great anO ^IgStJ? upon the Earth 5 at which time Sin was grown again to that ftrength, that (he began, on the fudden, to piay the £l0b0l, and with a tumultuous Aflembly gathered together in the Plains of Shinar^ (he began to fortifie her felf againft

Heaven* the firjl and lafl Vice of a Chrifiian^ and therefore- not unfitly may it be l^ride called the Heart of the Old Man.

fride

is

the great Majler Fock of the Soul , it will bud and cannot be hid : It is the Spiritual Leprojie that breaks forth Thou reprehendeft me in the Forehead. of Pride ffaid Arijiippus to Dioge/ies) for wearing my Apparel neat but I fee thy Pride in thy flovenly Attire, and affefted Beaftlinefs, fpying it through that rent and Yride precedes a torn Mantle ot thine. Nebucbadneszar'sfdll ; may be an Exfall ^^mple. that Pride is the certain way to

f faith a Divine)

is

-^

%U

*

©fiorteft

map

Ruine, It was a great foretoken of Darius hisRuine^ when, in Ms Letter toAlcxander^ he called himlelf The. King of Ki/igy, ani but for Alexander^ he Coufin' of the Gods called him his g)Ctil9nt* Sigifmuni the young King of Hungary^ beholding thq •,

greatnefs of his Army ;faid, What need, we to fear the Turk, 'who need not at all to

*

fear the falling of the Heavens^ being abh with our Spears and Halberts to hold them up. He afterwards (hortly received a notable Overthrow, being himftlf ^lad to get over Danubius^ in a little Boat, to fave his Life. AniBajazet the Terror of the World, and /as he thought^ luperior to Fortune, yet, in an inftant, was thrown into the bottom of Mifery. Pride goeth before DifiruSiony and a haughty Spirit before a

ML

Pride r The Earth which is God's /Foot-ftool, is not good enough to be thinii;. When one of Antipater^s Friends commended him to Alexander for his moderation, that he did not degeaerate as other Lieutenants did, into the Perjian Pride, ih ul^ of Purple, but kept the ancient Habit of Macedony of Black : True, iiid Akxartder^ hutAntipater is all Purple with in. Our firft Mother^whofe Garments wetetut out by the Hands of God, v»ras contented to be cloath|hed with Skins ^ and now Seas muft be failed over, and the bounds of Elements kroken^ to feekout DrelTings for us. How

Oh

.»

ridi-

is to fee a ftrutting Prodigal overlook a Region with his waving Plume, as if he could aseafily (hake that as his Feather ; yet in private will creep like the crouching Spaniel to the bafeft Proftitute. Pride playing in all Ages upon conceited Opinions of Decency, hath infinitely x^aried the Faftiion of all Apparell j Cuftoms of our Anceftors appearing as Antick to us, as our Fafliions, perchance, will feem incredi-

ridiculous it

ble to Pofterity. ever our Englijh^

Who

would

believe

that

fome four hundred Years fince, woreShooesfnouted and picked more than a Finger long, crooking upwards (cal« led CrackowesJ which were faftned by the Knees with Chains of Gold and Silver ? Ot^ that about the Reign of King Henry V. Men grew fo exceffive in that kind, that it was faine to be ordered by Proclamation, That none (hould wear their Shooes broader at the Toes than fix Inches > What Vanity then, yea whalt Impudence to glory in thefe covers of Shame Would any one, having committed fome capital OiFence a!

gainit his Prince, for vvhich he

is

after par-

doned

^ but on Condition, he fhall wear a Halter about his Neck, become proud of his Halter, and efteem it a Badge of Honour ? are all in thefelf fame Cafe 5 we have commlttedi)ig:]^CteafOnagainft the King

We

6i Heaven, yet are

we

received to Mercy,

bearing about us thofe Memorialls of our IhameJtul fall, or defeflion

B

2

from our King, tvhich

*'

Cfie ©fiotteff

which (hould,

map

Realon, rather *mo\re us to be afham'dof our felves, then to prize our felves higher for thefe Ornaments of (hatfte.

And

in all

lb

much

(hall ferve to be fpo<

ken o( the Proud HtdiOT and Stately Minks^-' and of the difmal State they are in, I fliall next (hew the g)f)OtteffrbeiDg a new; way to Reform the P/'Wii^5'^r and Stately Minks, l^tlDC being the Bejeafe of the Thancy^ no coming at it with Fhyfical PreIcriptions, nor can Cupping and fh/ebotomy cure the Tympany. The Jhorteji method will be to put rerfons quite out of conceit with themfelves, and this Proje£l may be the belt acomplifh'd, by buzzing fome JR^there's

marks upon them

in their hearing

as for or walk^

inftance when we're in Company, ing the Streets near fome /welling Beau, eafie for us to

fay,

'tis

C&at ®tntt\tmm9

S)fjoulcers dxt ametfiino; toitft t&et8icfe=^ eff* 31)10 ipip-OSdne^ are a little too far fiefjina 6nm De {)a!S a l^air of parallel legffjS; tfiep are fputt prettp equally; certain?)) there's a ©tafee Dotrsn tJ)e mia-'

m

i)!0

of })im,

€W

iji0|)

f)e

gfo

^prifi:f)t>

IS ftippo?tea

Crotoiiti |)at

Coat

tDrirtfele0.

ttitft

Doubtlefsf

a piece of a

loofeee

il)iis

fioto

Gaig'S out

Sfe o'

Thefe, or the like Reflexions •BUCl^leiS* if they were handfomely whifper'd, wou'd

Man

begin to fufpeSt himfelf The lame method mutt be taken with my fine

make

a

?iilken

Silken lurbileaU'Lady.

mory

fails

me

And here my Me-

in their Catalogue ofDreffes-

However, when you fe? one that looks parReport as if ticelai', you may ipread the f\tt Ceetf), or (he had got the that (he's full Cf)tee aitH Cfiittp, anu

%miW m

W

great Truths giniS to Oecap, for thefe are

may proceed in un4re(lingher as your own Invention will fugbut the moft effeaual way is to congeft

very frequently.—You •,

them they either want for thefi two Conceits

vince ty

^

Wit., ox

Beau-

are the ,ufual

fupports of Female Pride. All this muft not be told them to their Face, but to fom^ Friend, or fo, only the Diftance and the Voice muft be fo adjufted, that they may nnderftand the Matter. In a little time youll fee whether the Phylick works or no if it don't, Fm poflitively tor putting them in Dung-Carts to pick Cinders ^ only if they'd rather go to Bedlam let them, for ',

their IntellcUmls are out

of Order fuffic-

If thefe prefcriptions were but practic d, perfwaded we fhou'd not have fo many-

Pm

Particularities inDrefs and Behaviour.There now wants nothing to this Head, but that the Hint fhou'd be Univerfally known, tor

Niture enough abroad to fet the Projea on Foot^ and I think 'tis the belt Uie can be made of it, and 'tis certain the there's 111

fxejormaiion

would

lofe nothing by

it.

10 11.

Cfie ^&orteft

The

Shorteji

Way

Mnjf

with the Athieft,«

—

Ty?ere is no Nation under Heaven fo bdf^ barous^ hut yields there is a God. It is much a do for Atheifal to find a perfeft and

continual affent in Man's Heart. Ru/ns of the Truth do ftill remain fince the Fall

:

And

altho' he

Some in himt

may deny

all

Confclence will make him Caligula^ the Athieft, Itartle by Night. ciept under the Bed every time he heard it F rot agar as doubted whether Thunder. there was a God, therefore was banifhed by the Athenians ^ and Diagoras .denied Itoutiv there was a God 5 but well leave fuch Perfons to thecenfureof the Scriprure. T.he fool hath /aid in his Heart there is no God, k was a good Speech of him who being ask'd whatGodwas^anfwer'd, Sifcirem Deus

by Day,

tflem.

his

If

I

knew

that,

I

(liould be a

God.

one God

the Father ^ of But to 2{s there is zvhom are all things^ and vce in him who is Bh'jjed for ever^ the high and lofty one thai far exceedeth above Created C ipacicy we may [land and gHJC? and that the neareft that we poor finite fooli(h is Creatures can approach towards the compuhenfion of io infinite a Being The Indians of the Weft, have Names ft^r rlieir particular Gods, though they have Which (hews, no Name for God,

But

it

ihe reach of Reafon, and

is

inhabitcih Eternity,

that

feftl;

n

saijoresJ ana Eogttes.

that even thofe barbarous People have the Notion, the' they have not the Latitude and Extent of it: So that againll y\thiefl:s

the very Savages take part, with the very fubtilleft Phylofophers. They that deny a.God, deftroy Man's Nobility ^ for certainly Man is of kin to the and if he be not of Bealts by his Body kin to God by his Spirit, he is a bafe and •,

ignoble Creature.

As Atheifm

is,

in all

refpefls,

depraveth

fo in

this, that it

ture

of the means to exalt

hateful,

Humane Nait

felf

avove

Humane Frailty. The great Athiefts indeed are Hypocrites, who are ever handling Holy Things but without feeling fo that they mutt needs be cauterized in the end. ^ Some have been Sacrificed to Flames, as T>iagoras^ fome eaten up with Lice, asPhencydes'^ others devoured by Dogs, as~L/^* cian ^ others Thunder (hot in 'a Bath, and turned to Afhes in the twinckling of an Eye, zsOlympius^ others have fuddenlyloit Humane Speech, and have bellowed like Bulls, and in this roaring have yielded up their Souls, as ^imon Thuvan^ a wicked Pedant, in the Year 1201 ^ others have burft in pieces in an infamous Privy, infeftingthe Sink and publick Sewers with their Souls (mnch. more ftinkingj as did the wicked •,

,

Anus.

And

12

And

fo

C8e@!)0tteft 5Hap much fhall ferve to be fpoken of

the Athieji^ and of the difmal State he is I (hall next (hew the Shortejl (^being a new) Way to Reform him. The3tl)lC(!, one wou'd think, might meet with a Sentence fevere enough at the Tribunal of his own Mind, when he begins to difcfedit the very Being of #his own Maker ^ but lo it is, that before he»becomes an in.

—

generally his greateft Intereft to be i^o ^ however, tho' his Confcience be full of Terror when he rakes a ProfpcQ: of Fu-

Athiefi^

'tis

and does but wifh, at belt, that the Eternal Truth wou'd turn into a Lye ^ yist there fhou'd be fome Courfe taken with him that he may do no Mifchief to Mankind, and the Shorteft Way wou'd be to fix a Mark on his Forehead with this Infcription^ 3f turity,

tm mW^iz% tm iUntz of

aont

m mn

Means he wou'd gainft himfelf

^

belieae

J^iifeer*

tfie

€%-

By

this

be a walking Teflimony a-

and

'tis

a

Thoufand to One

but he'd publifh his Recantation, rather than be pointed at as a Wen and a Wemijh of Humane Nature. However, thofe of 'em that remain Impenitent, (hou'd have Apartments slotted

them under-Ground

in

fome

Q^ltft-

SDUltJCOIt, where the Infeftion cou'd not ipread, and where they might have leifure

toconfult their own Thoughts-, and if after all they continue Obftinate, whea there is a Company of them together, they (hou'd be franfported into

fome

Biifart Ifland

beyond tha

Frigid Zone^ iipon pain of' Death if ever Thus fhou'd the inhumane th'./ leturtVd. t^oWoxvj be lent ofF from the Society of

them linger out the very beyond their Days, €^;^iihe Frote&ion of 'Reach of Vfevidence Heaven. This ivou (^ ,e 'a Reformation worthy of the Name, «nd exemplary Terror of the Punifhment, wou'd guard others within the Compafs of Religion and Law

Mankind, and

there let

if poflTible,

of Nature. III.

The

Shortejl

Way

with the Murderer.

reported of the Bees, that when one and of Sheep, that IS Sick they all Mourn if one be faint, tlje reft will ftand betwixt Only Man it and the Sun till it be revived It is

•,

:

to

Man

mofl pernicious. Surely if others Sins have a is

woe hanging

^t their Heels, according to that oi Job lo, Bloody Men (hall have a Woe with i %. a witnefs, Nahum 3, i, as thofe that walk in

be I

way o^Cain. The Blood of one Ahad as many Tongues as Drops, and e-

the

Very .Drop a Voice to cry for Vengience. The Julii.ce of God, in all Ages, hadi fent out his Writ of Enciuiry after bloody Men, and for 'the Blood of the Innocent ^ yea, God will (as it were^ give a Tongue to the Earth, he will make Sp€echlefs Creatures Spsak^ rather then Blocd (hall bs concealfd j wQnderfwl are the lnftanc@s how Mardersts

C

J4

,

KUa?

Clje S)fjorteff

dcrers have met with the Hand of Revenge. Some immediately from God , others from the Civil ?.vQord of the Alagijlrate ^ fome from jhe ha^id of the Murderers^ like theinfelves, 'and niany have done Violence to their own Lives, being haiUted;by the Furies of their

own It

ConfciencieS..

was

a faying

oiK. James

I.

That if God

to Kill a'Mtn he woiid^think did not Love him. Blood Guiltinefs made not only Cz/V/reftlefs, but how terrible aifo was the Voice of it in Jadas's Conicience ^ It did need no Tongue no witneis to accufe it but his own. Man accufed Juias^ but in cafe of Blood Judas muft accufe himf^lf. Charles the Ninth [of France (Author of the Bloody Mafiacre of Paris) died of exceeding Bleeding. Richardllh of this Kingdom, and Queen Alary I. had the (horteit Reigns of any.fince the Ccnquelt. A bare llifiory of all the Murderers that have died at Tiburn in the latt Century, wou'd of it fclf make a Folio of 2<js, Abfolom and Achitophel came to Tragical -Ends. So did all the Primitive Ferfecutors^ according to that Pfal. 55. 2g. Bloody and 'Deceitful Men fhall not live out half their

iid leave him

Hod

No

has Imprinted his own Image wpon Man ^ and tho' ftis trqej by the fall yet there are \\ is defac'd and abolifli'd ibme Rcliqjues thereof flill abiding which Cgd will nor have deftroy'd. ' Confider

Days,

God

•,

.

toft!)

h

JBIjortis niiB Sosticsf.

15

Confider 'ifUatrcdhQ lb Damnable, what Murder ? It is the Dwlhii£lion ofGod's

Image,

oi'

a

Member

ot Chriit, lor

whom

Chriit Died, and a Temple of the holy Ghoji. The Land is poUiutd by it, aud canU Dives be not be expiated but by Btood. in Hell ibr notfaving Li'^%

efcapeHell that dciiroy

it

?

how

(hall they Whojojheddeth

Manjhallhis blood bejhedi: for in the Image of God made he Man^ (Qcn. ix. 6.J Deliver me from blood Gultinefs^

Man's

God,

bloody by

f Pf.

li.

14.;

And (o much (hall fcrve to be fpoken of the Murderer^ and of the difmal State he ]$ in, T- I fliall next (hew the SHORTEST (being a new) way toPuitlfljhim, I can't fay to KcfXItUt him, as he oault die both by the Lazes of God and Man. The ^lirieter is fuch a FpJi'Rate Sin^ ner^ that all the feverides ot humane Jul Itice are, in this Cafe, impott?nr, and cannot punifh him up to the Nature of his Crime \ all that can be done to him in time is only to fend \\\\x\jooner to his Mijety iij another State, where Juftice and Omnipotence Ihall give him his proportion of ra» nilhmsnt. However , I have fomething 'New on this Head, and 'tis this, WUt:,o the Murtherer is feized,let IjI^BttfOU be fcmC aarfe ann fame lonelp Ctiijc, anti tfie oeaD Carcafg in&icfj f)e feas oepriatJ of IX% be carneo to tlje fame apartment, ano tbece plac 5 in tfie siem of tbe s^a=

c

2

lEtiJit^^

C6e %fiomitmap

r6

tecto^

luitfj

till

tfie '(iBc!iin50 jyapiner

ana t&e jface tontfjo into all tfte pofitirrs^fCerror ana ama^tmnt; ana. If a pafe iLamn toere firs to anaantatye, t tocu5a0tiWetbe|)otmi!: of tSe g)cenei an5 almoff terrifie tf)e Criniinal inw Peitltence>— Some grave Divi/2e (hou'd alfo be appointed to

to read

vific.

£eO:ares to

the Criminal^ and

him upon

his Guile,

and upon the Objeft before his Eyes^. This Vrojetl feems wonderfully adapted to give the Murderer a fenfeof his Sin, and lb to I wou'd Vim'ifl) him into future Happinefs, not have the World to miftake me neither, for I don't defign this (liou'd fcrean ths Murderer from Juftice iivthe ufual way^^ but only that he fhou'd feeep tfjC ©Cal3 Ti30lSJ> Company till he's brought to th^ and I'm perfeftly perfwaded, that Barr this Method of Punifhment wou'd give Men fo much Terror in the very Thought '

•,

of

it,

that fcarce any, for the

future^ wou'd

dare to attempt upon the Lives of others ^ for there's nothing we entertain a greater iiverfion to, than the CatfeaflCS Of Ollt I'elfOtU^Cteatilteg ; but in this Ca/e the ( -onfcienee of Guilt, the gaflily Looks of the Dead Body, and the gaping Wounds would make ftrange Imprefiions , the filence ^nd folitude of the place, would give him Leifure to Pvefteft, and the Diranefs of rhe Light would make it look the very '^.wblem of Hdl and all this is tQO little -^

'

for

17 CBIjoteg ants Kogiicis. for him that uiurps upon the Property of Heaven, and takes that away which he can toitS

never reltore.

The Short ejl Way with the Thief.

IV.

Sun's a T/;/>/, and with his great attra£lion Robbs the vart Sea ^ the Moorfs an arrant Thef^ and her pale Fire iha fnatches from the Sun : The Sea's a I hiefy whole liquid Surge refolves the Moon intoialt Tears ; The Earth's a Thief that feeds

The

and breeds by a Compolture, Itolien from general Excrements. Indeed this isjejling^ but I tLhik (in reality) their is more Impudent Thieveing now than ever^ *tistrue, 'tis fuch fafe Tiavaililng in Spain and JS^evo Efigland^ that one may carry Gold in the Palm of his Hand-, but wliat defperate Thieving is in other places

They on

?

fay, that,

all fides,

of

late, a T/;/V/purfue4;

and delperate of his

from the top [of the

leapt

called Capo

Cliffy

Bam co

lafetyv

preeipitati?!^

by the

Ala?'nneKi

Sworn unto Tyri^s^ which is feven Miles diPrant, who, for the ftrangenefs of the Faft, was forgiven by the Eminto the Sea, and

peror.

There

is

fuch defperate Thieving

in

Sl^

Gentlemen fin M.e/iffina'] put Monies into the common Table ^ for which the City Hands bound, and receives

cily^^

that the

their

^

it.

again upon rhelr Bills, according to their, they dare not venture to keep it ^ for in their Houfes, ordinarily broken open by Thieves^ for ail their Crofs barr'd Windows, Iron Doors, Locks, Bolts, and Barrs on the infide, wherein, and in their private it

ufc.s

^

Revenges Murther.

no

Night doth

fle4:hat ha4:h taken fo

pafs

v/ithout

much

care for the of fOur Edates and Pofleflions, as to niake a prohibition of fteahh one of the Commandments , hath taken care likewife to annex a Penalty to the fame, and hath allowed us to kill a Night Thief withfecurity

out imputing it to us the Sin of Murder, and hath hlmfelf likewife appear'd an avenger of the Crime, as in the cafe of Achan^ Ahab^ ^z- and befides it may appear plain enough to any one, that makes any careful Remarks upon Divine Providencej That ill got Goods feldo?n pro/per. When a poor Woman complain'd to Tamerlane of one of his Soldiers that had (lolcn from her a lictle Milk and a piece of Cheefe, he be rip'd up to fee whether (he had falfely acciijed him or Milk in his Stomach, jBo, and finding the ca^as'd the Soldier's Belly to

adjudged him worthy of that Punilhment for ftealing from fo poor a Woman. Th« hocrians put out his Eyes that had Stoln ought from his Neighbour. The Hetru^ The Vaccians rfans Ston'd them to Deathl tifed luch ieveritles towards thefe kind of ;

Men,

i? gBborciS ana Ecjjuejj. Men, that if one had but taken a handIn ful of Corn he was fure to Die for it. Georgia a Thief is acquitted, paying iex^n told tor what he has Stole, two parts to the party Rob'd, one to the Judges, and four to the King ^ if he hath not werewith to fatisfie he hjold^ if the Produfl: do not yet equar the Sum his Wife isfold^ and if that will not do his Childre??. I might enlarge, but humane Judgments toit!)

j

^

are fo often infiifted in thefe cafes,, and our Prifons are fo loud with the cries of poor, guilty Malefa£lors, and the Gallozvs fo confpicuous in every County, that 'tis lefs neceflary to enquire, for particular l/ijia?7ces^

of Divine Vengeance on Theft. No Kingdom can match England for FickFockets^ I'oot-FaJs^ Hoiife-Breakers,

and High-way-

men.

But of all Theft none

is

fo

henious as

SACRILE;DGE. This Uither complained much of in his Time, that even in the Refor7ned Churches^ Pari flies and Schools,

were rob'd of their due Maintenance, as if they meant to Itarve us all. A Frieji jn Jerufale?n f the City being Befiged) took all the Goblets and VelTels of Silver, not fo much as fparing the little Golden Pictures

which Augujlus and Temple.

his

Wife

fent to the

a very dangeroius Sin* 'Dienifms that rob'd his God was caft out of his KingdoiX] 5 and Bdjhazer paid dear for Sacrlidge

is

diiflkiag.

the Bouls of the San8:uary, Sacrilegous Theft proves as fatal to Men as the Gold of the Temple of Tholoje did to Sciptos Soldiers ^ of which, whoever carried any part away never profpered after-

drinking

in

wards.

might be large

giving Inftances this way, only confider what a iad end hefel Cardinal WoIfey\ whilft he fought more to fleaje thefKrng than Gof as himfelf fa id and what a revenging Hind of God putfued, five of his Servants that were inftrumental for Lira in a Sacrilegous Enterphfe^ I would Men would take heed by thefe and the like Examples, how they @t0itl irom any Man, but more efpecially how they mcrddle with things oncj confecrated to God? Thoit that .abhorefl Idols^ doft ihou couwiit'iacriledge? fKom. 2. 2 2. J Will a Man Rob God? let ye have robbed me Te are carfed with a Ciirfe^ for ye have rob* bed me (^Mal. ^. 8. 9.^ It is afnare to the Man mho devoureth that which is holy(?iov. I

in

•,

20.

25?.)

And

therefore confidering

what has been

of the common and notorious Sin cf Thefts and the PunKliments infli8:ed on Robbers in other Countries whether it were noca ihoner v;ay to fupprefs Thievfaid

•,

avoay Life for theft if any Steal , to fatisfie lealt, for be made fatlsfiiVion that ing, to take

Theftj

and

l«i

cafe they have

it

-^

or,

at

Hunger their

not t€> pay,

:

tmt!)

Mi)Otz& ana

Eoffties.

21

pay, then after fome fharp corporal Pu^ nifhirienr, as whipping, or the like, to fa-

tisfietheLaw

•,

which may

beintiirfed left

or tfiore, according to the Nature of the Offence, the Magiltrates Handing by to judge how much, as in Holland^ &:c. then the OSender to return to Prifon , And were it not grcper that all fuch and other Prifons were made Work Houies, where fuch Felons ^may remain, and be forced to work to get their Brdad, and to earn out that Debt they have -Robbed any Perfon of, according to Scripture Example, he that jieah m,uft make rejl'itut ion jour fould^ then at lealt one fould ^ and certainly, were this Courfe taken/ it would far more deter Thieves rlien that Death they fo commonly fuffer : for is not this common with many of them to follow Theft as a Trade^ and fo will not it, but refolve to Steal to fatisfie their Lufe, and if they be taken and come to Prifon, oft fcape by being Burnt in the Hand, and then fall to the fame Courfe again, and

Mve

many of them come

dm

Newgate

at Lonagain, and other Prifons within a few

into

Days, nay Hours after fo releafed ^ and faid, they owe a Debr^ and that they muft pay, and that is to Deaths and they will fatisfie their Lults while they Live, and they can be but Hanged for it

many of them have

So death

deters not fuch Perlons, but fharp

corporal Punifliment, and afterwards working in Prifon till they have fatlsfiedail iuch

•D

Thefts,

Thefts, far

^

iroin

would more

and

deter than Death by be a means to keep them Evils and Roboeries, which they

alfo,

much

could not do whenibkept in Prifonin Lawful knployment. i And the like in other Prifons for Debt, were they Work Houfes, where all that live and lie ibr Debt were made W^rk, then Men of Eftates, that from a Thevifli Principle will lie in Prifon, andijot-pay^ would rather pay, than, work hard 5 and others that have nothing to pay, may ei* ther be releafed to go intdfome lawful Calliiig, to earn wherewith to maintain themfglves and t amilies, or clfe be made work in Prifon, to earn Bread, and have Beds, and not feed and lie too oft in Holes and Dungeons, like Bealts, and fo, in time, they may earn more then they fpend towards fatisfying their Creditors if fome fuch Courfes might be taken, Prifons would not be lb inhabited with Guefts, that for want of Imployment dive Idely, which is the Mother and Nurfe of all Impiety and Prifons be fo like the Confines of Satan's Kingdom : Certainly fome fuch way inight be found out for the Reformat io/2 oiiuoh '

:

•,

•,

wicked

Praftices.

And fo much (hall lerve to be fpoken of Highway and Trading ThUvesy and the difmal State they are in.

Ifliall

feit!)

©azotes arm Eogueis.

2;

next (hew the SHORTEST Tbeing a new) way to Reform them. The Cfitef is a Myfterous Fellow, that breaks in upon the Property of others, and ravages the Gifts of Providence. He's an Enemy to Society and makes a Forfeiture of but feehis Life into the Hands of Juftice I (hall

-,

fo long, and

ing the Gallows have Itood have been inefteftual to prevent this growing Mifchief; 'tis high Time, methir.kes,

fome jeetoStJeafutts Of punifljmetit ftiou'd be confulted that might do the Bufinefs 5 and as for him that Ihieves away his Life in the Cenfure of the Law, Td

that

propofe this Punifliment when he is apprehended and found Guilty 3 tl IjaSe ait

Crcctttfonet appointen, tl&at id toeil anatonip, anu fie DEiouKi eijct? 0feiH » Dap silect (bme fmall part of tfie Con-

m

HcmiteO Ctimfnal ; but the more Effenti^ al part of the Body fhou'd remain untouched, that he might die with leifure and have Time to Repent : for his Pains wou'd encreafe daily, and refrefh his Memory that he's to Die fhortly ^ and as to the fupporr of his Life, he fhou'd have the Allowance of Bread and Water at pleafure. This Method of Juftice wou'd terrine all fuch as have a LoVetoLife, or any Dread of Death;; and I am perfwaded that this inhumane Butchery wou'd reftrain a great Number from turning Thieves. One fittgte €%ttW ftrange tlOrt of this fort, wou'd make a Noife 2 >

D

map

24

Cfie g)f)0rteff Noife,andPeople wou'd flock to fee it; and by this means the Terror of it wou'd fpread.

Then with refpeft to pett); Thieves, that don't venture their Lives but play at lefler Games, when the Theft cou'd be prov'd agajnft them, they (hou'd be fent back to Prifon, and fed there four Years with a

mmt

WHmny Eoil

Pint 0f ann a fierp Oap, and when the Term iliou^d be

e-

run, they either fold for Slaves, or tranfis

ported into fome of our own Plantations, lor there's no Confidence can be put in fuch Perfons that have got the Habit of Thiev^ Ing, they're in no Condition to be fuffered at large ^ the Inftances are fo few of fuch as have Reformed after they've htQn burnd \in the

Hand^ or

in the

CheeL

Thefe Punidiments are reaionable, and cou'd they but obtain with the Government, they'd certainly help on the Rrformationy all I defign.

which

is

V. The Shorteji Way with the WhoreMajier. Fornication is a

complex Word cokv

prehending all manner of Bodily Unc/eannefs with Women ^ but in a ftria fenle 'tis that Uncleannef^ which is committed with a Maid, or Widdow, and ^whatever the Papifts fay;

is

a

Damning

Sira.

D^mojilene^

)

mimt&

tDitij

ana Ecffucsit

2^

Demoflhenes went to Lais the j^trumpet

Nights Lodging: She ask 'd icooo Drachmes No, Soft^ (faith \\k.) V II not buy Other Vict^s Repenta72ce at fo dear a Rate. iare conquer' d by Itruggling with them , but the belt way to fubdue Fornication, is to fight with it alter the manner of the for ^

:

Farihia/is^

who did

Fight flying.

F/ee For-

nication.

Father Lat'wiur gave Hen?y VIII. a NewYears Gift, whicli was a Teflament and a Handkerchief, with this Pofie about it. Fornicaters and Adulterers God will judge, 'Twas boldly done^ and the Admonition, tho' very biting, yet had the Word of God for its Bafis.

Nay, I'm bold to fay, That if any of our Nobles and Gentry make ufe of their Power and Riches to be more Lewd than others, and give bad, inftead of good Examples, they are as much more Guilty than Higher than they will be Exposed Ttho' not iii

others, as they are

Names

^

their thcic:

Sheets, yet^ in the bolder Chronicles of after Ages-, and whilii Offenders of lefler Quality may 'fcape with the Lalh. in Bridew^/, and their faults and they be (hortly bury'd together , thefe greater Delinquents (hall be tranfmitted

down

to Pofterity, in thofe proper Colours their Crimes deferve. And as the Quality of the Peafon aggravates the Crime, fo fhould the Crime efcapc itnpunifh'd (jho ^fmere found in a

Duke, or Lord.

C&eS>6r^ Wa^

26

The

Lor^^)

World will fay, and That Juftice is not fairly but makes a fliift to get a

malicioui

thiijiiftly too.

Hoodwinked, glance of the Parties concein'd, and fpares one more than another That all is but a 'Mock Reformation^ or like thofe Cobweb Laws, which great Flys break through 5 and that 'tis now plain, That all this noife *,

a Reformationy is only 'bout little Sinners, while the Drunkard^ the Swearer^ the Whoremajier of Quality, maj ftill take what libe tv he himfelf pleafes. But this ifbout

Miftake ^ for I mull be fo SHORT with the Keeping Lord, as to tell him, nothing can excufe his Whoredom : is all

a

f oolifh

Itfiains his Bocly with alpecu^ 2. Such a one is guilty liar kind of filth. of Sacriiedge ; for that our Bodies are con-

Becaufe,

i.

fecrated to God as his Temples. 3. Becaufe our Bodies to zjde are not our own^ to give any other ^ much lefs to Satan and the flefh. But as abominable as Whoredom is, I wonder how ill featured that one fhould be, f if fhe were made for Woman) whom at the Infurre£tion of his Lull fome Men would lefufe.

But this Sin is the more aggravated when *tis committed by Married Peifons, for then there is Theft in it, whilft the Child of a Stranger carries away the Goods or Lands of the Family. Befides this, Adultery flrikes

at the very Sinews, Heart and Life

of the Marriage K^npt, and diiTolves

it.

The very

Air can retain a memory witnefs the Forof a difhonoured Love fooner phirio, who, as J^/ian reports, no very Birds of the

•,

too familiar a fharer in his Love, than (he defpairs any longer to live : Her Neft (he leaves defolate, and becomes fo difconfolate, as (he chufes Grief tQ be her only AfTociate to her Grave. to CenI own, we (hould not be forward fure, for many are taxt with Adultery that Cunegundus^ the Wife are really Innocent.

finds another

oiHenrictts Baiiarus Emperor fufpeSed of Adultery, to clear herfelf, trod upon red hot Iron, and had no harm. And ?aufanias faith, that he was once an Eye-witnefs of fuch a Miracle at 'Dianc^% Temple, a Maid charged with Whoredom, who to clear herfelf, walked upon burning Coals without any harm at all. But tho' fome fufpefted oi Adultery, are Innocent, yet there be many Conjugal Whoremafters,ri wifh I could not lay, contented Cuckolds) There's my declar'd he could love his Lord i* Wife above all Women in the World, if fhe were not his Wife ^ Sir Charles is of little the fame Mind i and Squire if

John follows his Example, and others have a tang of this Rambling Fan-

better

•,

^Sir

cy.

There are feldom fo few as 500 Virgins kept in a Seraglio by themfelves, and attended on, only by Women and Eunuchs* They are all of them th^ great Turk^ Slaves,

Cfie %l)ottttt CBap

28

Slaves, and afs indeed the Choiceft BeauThey are dot to be ties of the Empire. the unto Emperor until certain prefented

Months

expir'd

be

^

in

which time they

are Purg'd and Dieted: When it is his Pleafure to have one^ they itand Rank'd in a and Ihe prepared for his Bed to Gallery 1 whom he giveth his Handkerchief. aim told, that fome of oiir ^al'ity Whore-,

wafers are as Nice as the Great Ti/r/^, with refpeO: to their Whores^ (fox I love to'

give every thing

its

right

NameJ

cr ra-

more Curious than he ^

for I could ^or bely'dj that he's fadly name d changes his Whore every Year, and has got Baftards (might they Inlieritj for every

ther

L——

Mantior he

has.

Reader ) there's abundance of Cuckolds in England\ We were wont to fay, It was a wife Child that knew his own FaIndeed

(

ther - but now we may fay, It is a wife father that knm)s his own Child.- Men and Women as familiarly go into a Chamber to Damn one another on a Feather-bed, as into a Tavern to be Merry with Wine. She that does not Dance lo lofty that you may fee her filken Garters, and learn to forget body. Bat would Flefli and S'hame, is Blood liften to ?rov, 22. 14. and remember that the Child often praves the Pi£lare of the Lover, aiiqi dlfcovers it, {Bleffed conclu-

No

^§n of ftol/i Svieets /}ithey'd Right of another.

ne'er Invade the

Thf

.

were fo averfe to CuckoU dom,\h^\.\\l^^ ufed to cut offth^NofeoftlKi Adulterefs. Nebuchadnezzar Roaftedin the Fire Zedektah and Ahab^ becaufe they committed Adultery with their Neighbours Wivcs: And where Men have fail'd to Pula nifh, God hath done it remarkably. Anno 158^, in London^ Two Citizens committing Adultery on the Lord's Day, were ftruck Dead with Fire from Heaven in the Tery AQ. of Uncleannefs, their Bodies being left Dead in the place, half Burnt up, for a Speftacle of God's Anger againft AdulMatter C/^^i;(f/tery and Sabbath-breaking. that knew, he who had reports of one committed the Aft of Uncleannefs, and in the horror of Confcience, he Hang'd himfelf ^ but before, he wrote in a Paper, and

the

E^^yptia?7s

a place to this efte£t : Indeed^ I ac* knowledge- it (faid he^ to be utterly unlawful for a Man to Kill himfelf'^ but I am bound to aU the Magijfrates part^ becaufc^ left in

the Funijhment of this Sin is Death.

This A£1 was not to be juftified ^ but it fhews what a Controverfie God hath with Adulterers^ and what a deep Gafli that Sin makes in theConfcience.What need have we tliereforeCwith/
:

Bathfheba Bathing, Lufl: is quick-lighted. Sampfcns Eyes were the firit Offenders thac

%

betray'd

him

betray'd

to Lull

:

Therefore are they

pulled our. Inceft is another divifion of Uncleannels, which is caird* abhor^d Filthinefs ^ not Jo much as to be named without detefiationy (i Cor. 5. I.) Inceft fignifics that kind of Naughtinefs

firfl:

committed between two near of Kin. Reader, take heed of Intempeyaiice. het in a Drunfeen pang,forgets he is Father, and does that that Heaven and Earth are afterwards afham'd of It is^ well obferv'd by our Divines, that Lot offended againfl: the Chaltity of both his Daughters, in offering them up unto the Sodomites ^ and

which

is

now

confpire againfl: his Chaflity : So that his Sin found him out, and he is pu-

they

niflied in the

fame kind wherein h^

offen-

ded.

next fpeak of a more Unnatural A9: of Uncleannefs, I mean Sodomy which is fo called from the Men of Sodom, This Sin is an Abufe of either Sex agairift Nature and is fuch a Filthinefs as is not to be found amongft the Beafl-s. For God hath ordained that the Male and the Female fhould Couple together 5 %nd not the Female and Female, nor Male and Male. But in this horrible manner did the Sodomites^ Ro?7tans^ and other of the Gentiles : And of late, fevcral in England have been charged with this Unnatural Sin^ as Mr. C^"-^ of Manchejfer^ and the (late^ Clerk I (hall

^^

•,

•

of

of

St. Dunjlans.

At

LrThe Turkilh

this day, in the

Sodomy is held no Sin. Bajfhaws have many Wives, tiut ("which is, far more abominable) ^more -Catamites : x^a;//,

Sodow;/ (and Sdf?Dilution^ which is a fort o[ Murder; is a Sin fo againll Nature, that Children (Natures End) and Poand therefore lierity are utterly loft by it

But

•,

'ti3

faid,

God gave them upt&

vile affe-

Sions : For even their Wo??ief2 did change the natural uje into that which is again]} nature and likewife alfo the Men^ leaving the natural nje of the Woman^ burned in their luji one towards another^ Men wiih Men, working that which is unfeemly (Horn, •,

26,27.; Add unto thefethe Sin of B/z^^^/j, which Uncleannels, is fuch ail abominable a£l of ihzt Mofes tell us, Whofoever lyeth with a %aft^ Jball furily be put to death. This JUnnatural Vice has been often prafticed in England, and that (I blu(h to fpeak it) by both Sexes. In the Year 677, there was $ ftrange and wonderful Tryal of a Woman who was proved feveral times to have Carnal Coupulation with a Dog, which Dog wa^ brought into Court, and with the Womaii afterwards Hang'd at Tyburn. And at thf fame time, a Man was Tryed for Buggering of a Mare. John Ath^rtoxt (B'lfhop of Wc^terford) for this Utinatural Luft, was Kti raigned and Executed at Dublin* I,

1

^^f)o?teil a^ap

52

Whether will thefe Libidinous Strange Ylames carry Men ? Sure they are an earneft cf thofe they /ball feel hereafter ! If the feveral forts of llndcannefs bo thus Deftruftive both to Soul and Body, I'll conclude this fubjeSl with querying. Whether thofe AQs already made againlt Adultery^ Whoredom^ 8ic. be ever likely {'thoroughly) to Reform thofe deteftable Wickedneffes, except they be ftrengthned with more Enlargements > As firft, for Adultery : Whether it be poffible to find out that Sin, by that Aft, except by the Parties own Contellion againlt themfelves, which is not likely any will do, to the taking away of their own !

Lives.

And

therefore,

would not be Reafon, grounded* upon Perfons do fuch AQions

whether

agreeable to right Scripture, that if

it

as may plainly be judged is equivalent to that Sin whether itnaay not be called that Sin, and fo be proceeded againft as Guilty of that Sin? As for example'-, for a Man and Woman, fcoth, or one of them Married, and (hall fee found Naked in Bed together, or in a Room together Naked, as hath been reported of thofe called Ranters^ and fuch whether this may not like profane Perfons Jlighteoufly be called Adultery^ andjudged accordingly > Elfe it's impofhble to find out And therefore that Aft elfe is of that Sin •,

•,

;

liltle

the like may be faid of Fornication and fuch like Unclean* And certainly, if fuch Remedies nefles. were provided, the Land would be foon in

liftle

or no force.

And

freat meafure cleanfed of fuch abominable 'raftices,

whereby God

is

Provoked, and

the Land Defiled.

And

.

fo

much

(hall ferve to be fpoken

of

the Wboremafiers^ and the dilmal State they are in. I (hall next (hew the«HORTEST Cbeing a new) way to Reform them.

whole Syftem of IDebauchery, 111 firit begin with the kind Keeper of Quality, let him be Lord or Duke 'tis matter of indifference with me^ and the Method Fd take with him. rriould In order to Punifh the

at once Difcover and Puni(h him.

A

Proclamation

fliould

be

publifhed,

That every Mifs that's Kept by' a Lord or puke, upon making the difccrv^ery, (hould have 3000 /. Confilcated for her own ufe out of her Keeper's Eftate^ 3000 /. (hould be Confifcated out of his Eftate to the Poor of the Parilh where he has his Seat ard 4000 /. more to carry on the War: Farth€jr, •,

the Perfon thus discovered, (hould he obliged to publKh an Advertifement of his own Shame, at his own Charge, in the Gazate-^ for a Moath togetJici*

l^nj

.

C&e^80?teft mt(j?

14,

'"'And (hould any Perfon of Quality foliother, upoa Cite any Street Walker, or any good Evidence of the Fa£i:, fhefhouldhave looo /. forfeited out of his Etlate, and he

(hould be dlvefted of all his Titles, and thrown out of all Capacity to Serve in any KingOffice of Truft or Profit in the thre^ common the to doms. Let's now defcend fort ofM^.nkind.

;

fhould be Whipt fronj .Guild'Hall to Charing'Crqfs ; a Third part of his Eitate (hould go to carry on the War, makes the a Third part to the Perfon that Diicovery, and a Third part to the Poor of

The lormcator

theParifli,

and himfelf fent Overleas into

Her Majellies

Service. ^

Th« Adulterer fhould Refund his Wiks his Portion have the Marriage NulUfy'd, own Perfonal Eftate fhould go to Maintaia Mens Sons at the Univerfity, and he Poor

himfelf fhould. enter inta.ikr Majeities '^

Service.

'

^'''";---, .

"The Gallam

thzi's

,

,

furpnzed with his

Confiifcated Mils, (hould h^ve his Eftate fent himlelf toMaintaiH the Holpitals, and and imo Br idewel to Beat Hemp two Years,

afterwards go into the Army. He or (he that's guity of be/J'Fo//utw/i, i foould Adv^rtife it in every News Papei together, at their own Coft, aad

Week

^ould

forfeit

lo

./.

to the Informer.

Thofe

Thofe who

are guilty ot hceji^

fliould

le as remarkable in their Puwifhmerlt, as And becaufe the Man in this their Sin. cale is commonly thought the Aggreflbr,and the greater Criminal ^ yet this Sin could never be pra£^iced, without a mutual Confent

The Man

.

therefore, after the

Law

has done Execution upon him, fhould have his Carkafs brought back to Prilbn, and there the Female Sinner (hould have no other Allowance to feed

but the dead Body pired,

(lie

fcription,

upon

for 2

Months^

When

the Time's exenlarged fliould be with the In:

INCEST,

as

an indelible

CharaQer upon her Forehead.

This Cobtrivance, I'm inclin'd to thipk, wou'd in 3, little time make the Sin as hateful as the nature of it deferves Or, if this e'nt fufiBcient, cut off her two Ears, her middle Finger, and her right Leg. The Sodomite (hould be placed in a Tub, and have liquid and burning Brimftone poured down upon him till he expires in a way which Heaven has found out for the Puniflimentof fo Unnatural a Sin. Or, if It may be thought a more Ipeedy way to :

every Man guilty of this Sin, have his Genitals cut off, and burnt by the common Hangman. fiipprefs Sodomy^ let

He

preved guilty of Buggery fliouli be Repriev'd from Execution, till he hath eaten up the Bead with which he has comHiitted the Sin, at the rate of hslf a pound that's

d)0 S&0?tCff 3^ a hay when he has done hi Hang'd Mee/s upwards^ •,

his Sin has been Unnatural.

CJ^P this,

he fhould

4enote that But^i^eing no

^t(Sr

Punifhmentcan.be bad enough for Tufib a Lewd Sinner, -e'en let him,ibe Stoned to Deaths, and when his Beaftly Carkafs .is Dead, let his Head befaftnedti? the Mare he has Bugger' d, and anade^-a Speaacle to alltheWorld/^ .

Wl^he

Short ejl Way-^whUthe g)ttttmpet »*

that are Strmifets^^m^ indeed yery confiderable for your Numbers, and ft)me of

You

of no meaa Qmiity ^^.but I could better Jieartily wifh that all of, yon ^ad and fnuft make bold to tell Qpalifications you. That tho' you Jqvq, now to go under

you

ate

•,

Ladies of Pleafure, yourPraaice will prove Bitjcerfiefs in^ie Endf both to your felves, and;thofe conc^frnedv with you : For, if thofe iwure Flames be not quenched by the Blood of Jefus Chrift,, and the TitlQS

oi:

the Tears of fincere Re;p^tanee,the Reward of your Whoredcim will.le Unquenchable v . :, ^. Flames. with felves y<0ur polluting You do, by the Lufts ot the Elelh, renounce your Bap.

tifmal Covenant^ by

which you were made

Members of it, and pi:omifed to Renounce the Eejh : And you do befxdes, render your felves liable to the Cenfure

of the Church;

faid^ to the

Shame of thofe

tho'

It

muft be

COH|

^

concerned, Tkit thofe Ccnfures are not fa duly put in Execution as they ought to be. However, you cannot but know that in the Comminution^ ufcd at the beginning ofLent and other Timesy the Church hath appointed Fornicators and Adulterers to be Lurfed : So that if you have any regard to the Authority of the Scriptures, or rhat of the Church of England^ you muft acknowledg yourfelves to be an accurfed Crew. I hear there be fevcral Diviiions amongft you, as the Keeping Lady^ the Vlyer t9

Bawdy Houfes^ tht Commoti Night-waiket^ and xhtBawd. The Keeping Lady is at a yearly Expence for a Man that (h« would have Conftant ^ but (he is fcarce fo herfelf ^ for Keeping Ladies are doubly Impudent ^ wkilft Sin is Modeft, it may be Heal'd ^ but if it once grow Impudent, the Fefter fpreads above all hopes of Cure, Such Wantons as thefe,

when

their Stallions are abfent, will Taft«

admit a Groom into their Arms, will practice with their Doftor, and take Phyfick in a clofe Room, their Page,

will

fecretly

The Women of 5/^

are fo given to Venery, that their very Husbands are their Panders^

and fome of 'em Keep Men. And even in England^ there's the fs of C has her G and the Lady li -—

D

<

her

B

'

—

*

>

w

Cfte

5«

But

*

you,' Ladies, thsitaJe'fo

Lewd ast©

to Debauch'y6u, let me ask you', Whether, before you were *a£tually De-

TCccp

Men

-

bauch'd, you did not thlnK the. Name of a Whore to be very Repffoachfut v -not only to the Perfons themfelve^, hit tb all their Relations? Have you never at any time feen fome of thofe Vile Mifcreants, Carted and Pillbry^d, and 'purfued through the. Streets, having their Outfides polluted with

Mire and polluted

Filth, as

Emblem of their f juft .3''' ^

y

Infides 7^'*^,'

'

felves,That K'' Then pray confider with your your own PraOiice is as Vile in the Eyes of God and Good Men, as^ theirs, and every

whit as

difgracefiil to

your Relations

•,

and

if either by your Secrecy or Quality you cfcape futh Ignominious Punifhments, yet you deferve it as v^rell as they. If you have Parents of any Reputation or Sob|:iety5 confider what a Wound your Lafcivious and Unclean Dalliances give t6 theif very

Souls and good Names, and hbw uncom^ fortable it is to be the' Father or Mother of a Whore or a Whorefefter. Ifyouhav^; Husbands, what an ignominious thing it is ^

to have t^e Neighbours point at him, as he walks the Street, or for any of them to reproach him in their Anger with the Odi'

ous

Name of a

Cuckold, If you have Sifters

or Brothers, what a difgrace 4s it forthem to be upbraided by their Companions, That mcir Sifter is 9 Strumpet f If you have :

.

': .

,

Children

Children, confider how clofe the Reproach upon them, to have It ever now an4 then hit in their. Tcethj That their Mother was fits

'

Such of you aS follow that abominable

Praftice meerly to fatisfie xhQ Lufis of the flefh^ confider. Whether it be worth your ^hile to puTchafc thof? Impure Pieafures at theExpenceof your Reputation, Healthy and Salvation? If you are Married, you add Perjury to your Uncleannefs, befidcg all the Ignominy to your Children beforementioned, aiid muft be lookt i^pon as Infa« liable Monfters,who have leapt over all the Bounds ot Nature and Religion. If Providence has fo ordefed it, that you cannot be content with the Remedy that Marriagi affords, cpnfider if it were not better to bring your Flefh under Subjeftion, by Prayer and Falling, than to become Caft-aways^ and if you beUnmarried,refle9: upon it ferioully. Whether you h^ii'-^ot better Marry than ^/^r;7>0r,if you hav^not an Opportunity of Marriage, Wj^etEer it were not better for ycu t(> curbyo^|:^^fcivious IncFin^tions by Watching, paftipg, Praying, a|j(9fa fpare Diet, than to Ruipp y9i|f g(^od Name, your Body, yout Soul, and ~^tp extinguifh all hopes or ever being credibly Married. As for you that are l^lyers at Bawify Houfes, and follow tMs ungodly courfe of Life/f?r a Llv'wg^ (as you call it) fuch as

you

oi'tii)

Dje

like

June Shore

F

2

i^^Mifs

to a

King)

) 40

%tfi &botttii mtiTf

King)

in

si

that Life, ^Ma/ta arc

who

Ditch or Hoipital, and (hortea

which you a

prolong. In of Plying Curte-

feefe to

Number

Playing in their Houfes on Inftruments, to inveagle Paffengcrs: 'And in Naples are 90000 Strumpets that Ply only in Houfes But is it not better to fub^ mit to the pooreft Livelihood,! than to Ply in a Bawdy Houfe, under the Charaftcr of Citizens Wives > Neither will the Motives

zans^

fit

:

and Temptations of Honour any ways excufe you : It will be no Plea for you to fay. You would not be Miffes to fuch as are poor Men, when you become a willing prey to the Solicitations of Lords and Knights : For Whoredom and Adultery arc Hill the fame, be the Perfon to whom you proftitute your felves High or Low.

The Commm

Night-walkers^ are thofe I

(hall next treat of.

Confider (Oh^ you Briwftone Vsrmine I how horridly Contemptible you make your felv€s, how unnaturally you extinguifh the natural Modefty of you Sex, and debafc the Human Nature below that of Bealts, by ftrowling in the Streets, to proftitute your felves to the firft who will accept ^of your impious ProflFer infomuch, that there's n^ difference betwixt you and Unreafonabl« Brutes, who have neither the Reftraints of Divine nor Humane Laws,nor of Coalciencc •,

and Reafonupoa them.

A

t

In divers partsfof Cbina^ thtire arc certr^jn Wenchesof Lov^ thzt out of Charity proftitate themfelves to Travellers which hav*

no Money.

*

And

aitho' our London l^tght -walker like to be Lewd for Nothing, not would (^for they Whore for Bread) yot with them But (let it is accounted /z vtork of Mercy. Night-walkers they pleafej| take it asi our the Scripture calls fuch Beajlly Creaturei as thele^ by .the Names of D^^j and Svoine^ becaufe of theit Likenefs of Temper and and Yis not doubted but thofe Praftice •,

are entruftcd \vith the Government pf this Great and Noble City, will take eff«ftual Methods to cleanfe our Streets fron?

who

thefe Daughters of Sodom.

next fpeak of xh^O/d Bazjui^ and then I have done with the Pocky Crew. Old Strumpets ffuch as Mother Cre/we/) whenpaft the Trade, and are become Difealed by the Pox^ are (^in China) put intp Houfes, where they are very well looked finto, and furnifhed abundantly with all things, at the Charges of the other of the fame Trade. 1 (hall

But as many Whores as there are in Lon.. ion^ our Magiftrates give no Encouragement to 'em, but do all they can to SupYet there is little hopes of Retorming an Old Bawd for (he is fo Lewd and Impudent, (even tho' her Ability for Whoring is gonej th^it when (Ije is Dead, I

prefs 'em.

-,

coul4

^W^^ltttt

42

could almoft think (he will make herGravc a Brothel, aiid tempt Worms to Adulterate her Garkafs. In a word, Adders lie Sunning in her Wrinkles, (he's a Limb of the Devil, and the very Emblem of HelL I might enlarge in her Character, but (he ftinks above ground, and pray Mr. Surgeon take her xa the Hofpital out of my fight. And fo mucK (hall ferve to be fpoken of the Keeping Vady^ the Flyer at Bawd^ Uoufes^ the Common 'Night-walker^ and the Old Bawd^ and the difmal State they are in,

Khali next fhew theShorteft(^beinga way to Reform them.

New)

art here to pfoje8: fome Piini(hments" for the Female Sex : And as for the KeepI

ing

Women of

(hoiild be the

Duke

^lality^ their

Puhi(hments

fame with that of a Lord of

only Mutatis Mutandis^ with refpeft to their Sex and Circumftances, The Adulterefs (hould be Divorced, and turn'd off Naked, Imprifon'd for Life, and th^re Maintained by her Accomplice in the •,

t)in.

The Common Bawd^ and the Street Tlyer^ through the ufual courfe at then be fent into a Workand Bridewel'^ lloufe during Life, where her Employtnent ftould be aliign'd by an A£t of Parliaftiould

run

;33ent.

The BuggerijT)^

Inceflnous^

Wome»3 Ihouldhave

and Sodomltijk

the. Puniihineats that

are

thefe fort

allotted to

Men

of

Sin-

ners^. .

Were

but thefe (hort Methods of PenaJ.

JulHce fet on foot, Debauchery wou'd lofe Ground, and the REFORMATION Iprcad more. VII.

The '

'

i-r'

$horreJi

r% wuh the T)m\XMtQ^

' .

.

>

.

"\

•

T^runkennefs f-^

J he

is

a Sin that

Laws of God and Man

is

»

prohibited

•,

and upon

Reofon^ Becaufe it tends to the ruine cf a Man's Healthy the diminution of hit EJiate^ and the mi/pending oj his precious Hours ^ the Poverty of his ^anuly^ and in fine^ the difhonour ofGod^ andthe defiru&iort ^fhis Soul: And therefore no wonder if -good

we

often find the Divine Vengeance cloft

upon the Heels af this Sin. Manlius tells us of three abominable Drunkards^

who Drunk

one of them fell down ftark Dead, (as a Drunkard did not long ftnee in Lorn bard ftreet;,^ and yet the other two, nothing terrify 'd with fuch a Preadful Example of Divine Vengeance, went on to Drink, and poured the deid Mao's part into him, as he layby them. Marcus Antonius wrote, or rather fpew'd out a Book concerning his own Abilities to bear Strong Drink. The King oi Denmark fo long,

till

Feafting the Earl ofLeieefter^ the King (as Uowel tells us^ began Thirty five Healths^

1E8^ €^0?tel! JHSap 44 To all the Kings and ^eens in Chrifiendom^ Darius boalted of his

exceffive

Drinking,

Alexander the Great Drank hinilelf to Death ; and KiU'd 0ns and Forty more with exceffive Drinking, to get that Crown of One hundred and 80 pounds weight, which he had provided for Aim that Drunk moft. A Bailiff of Hedley being DrunK at Melford^ got upon his Horfe to Ride through the Streets, faying, ^hat his Hor/e would carry him to the Devil ^ and prefentlyihis Horfe calt hirg, and broke' his Neck. In Bohemia^ fivQ Drunkards were Quaffing and Blafpheming the Namie
•,

f

•

:

tDitS (Hg^fiajes!

-temperate

away

ana Eagues.

Man (like fome

4;

Candles>Sweal<j

kis Life.

Bacchus is ufh^lly Paintefl by the poets leaked, to (hew that when a Man is Drunk;,

he

is

Mad, and

reveals all the Seciets

of

his Heart.

good to be Drunk once ^ Month, S^lattery of Senfu^Uty is a fpr Jie that is Drunk, ^hath loft himfeljf. Exceffive Drinking is fo Abominable, that .

That

'tis

common

-,

even the Grand Vizier is a hafier o^Drun* For (as Sanis tells us^ a Uurk kennefs having drunk too much, was Apprehended and catry'd before him ^ who feeing him Drunk, inflifted this Punifliment upon, him. To have boiled Lead poured into his Moutb :

and Ears. And King James I. being ask'd what Punifhment he'd have inflifted on one that was Drunk, ^anfwefd. Let him h^ Drunk agen; Intimating thereby, he could not have a greater Punilhment.

were v
*em, that thus

Kone

could be a good Comma^'der;.

was not doublyDrunk^ withWifie^ and

C6e

4*5

tion,

in

I

Sack

don't -,

but


iEffliap

know what Valour he found for my own part, the little

Glafles are my Favouritcs-.I ever hated excefs .in Drinking and do heartily wifh Curtefic would invent fome other cuftome of Ente^ •,

tainment.

But the Boon Companion will

The

Shot to bedifchar£d^ is the Tavern Bi/I the beft Alarnt^ the founding of Healths ^ and the moft abfohtte March^ is Reeling, 'Tis not to he imagined what Mai tell ye,

bejl 'j

things

A

Men

will aft in their Drink.

company of Young Men at Agrigencame into a Tavern 5 where,

turn in Sicily^

had freely taken their Liquor, upon a fuddcn they began to be troubled in their Brains, and their Fantafie ^o craz'd, thatthey thought they were in a Ship at Sea, and now ready to be Caft away, by reafon of aTcmpeil Wherefore., toavoii Shipwrack, they threw all the Goods out after they

:

at the

Windows

into the Streets (or

into

What Madnefs and Villany is it that a drunken Man mil not commit ? He will Murder his Father, Lie with his Mother , and Stab his the Sea, as they fuppos'd.)

Friend,

tifc.

I might enlarge in this copious fubjeft, hut (hall only add. That a Man Poflefled with the ©Cttl, may be thought to be in a more hopeful ftate than a T>runkardi For albeit he be Pofiefs'd, yet it is compulfively and againft his will : But the Drunkard YihoWy Dedicates hinnfelf, and all the

Faculties

Jttftft

tMo^

mta Eofftce?*

47

Faculties of his Soul, voluntarily to Serve the Devil : And therefore Til conclude this Head with querying, Whether tha-AQs already made againlt Drunkennejs^ Swearing^ Curjing^ and Blafphemy^ be ever likely f the* roughly^ to Reform thefe deteftable Wic-

kedneflcs? I fear not; and therefore better Remedies are to be provided; for jchefe Wickcdntfles are committed in the Streets daily ^ and never was thole Sins of

Drunkcnnefs^ Qurfing^ Sweari/ig^ Blafphetning the Nam^ ofOoi^ more frequent than in thefe days : And is not the reafon plainly thus ? It Men have a mind to Reform it, they canngr, for thcfe R^afons followIv

ing.

ibv^o

'

A

Warrant muft be gotten from a Juftice of the Peace, which is very hard oftentimes to procure, For Jultices of rhe Firfl:,

Peace are fo

number, and live fof^r" alunder, that it takes much time and lahour to go t6 them*5 and oftentimes they teiv

in.

Home,

or at Leifurp: And then it is a hard thing- to^fcnow fuch Offenders Names to put. into the Warrant, for which

'^t not at

have a Fee of TwelveAnd aftd: ^he Warrant is with

thei (Clerfc mufl:

pence

:

>

.

much ditBculty

obtain'd, it may be it's as' get a Coiiltable to Serve it 5 partly,' beCaufe they either are not at Home, or loth to carry them lb far as to a Juttice, being fo far ofFthem^or elfe,it'maybe, they arq guilty of the fame Faults thsmfelves j

hatd

Jto

:

.

%u9>Mttfttmp

49

as too many, both of thein,a!ndi Jufliee&allQ, are ofteHtimeSi aiid fo they have no mind to punifli that in others, they ufe them-

then for the nioft part the Of fcnde^ i^ gbne, and not to be found, before all this caji be cffeftedv which difcourageth thofcjhat would Refc^m, feeing the todfelves

:

And

^

fiffeof it*--^Itw
h^aringfuch Oaths and Cui:fing,2S aforelkid, and fee?ng a JQri;^;^<2r^,pjelently to layHand fjpoir thenij anA toji^iire aid of any fiext hand, to helpand affiftbim or them^i and fo to have them to the pext Conftafclejl or J«fticey without ai^ Warranf^ and thatT Conftable might have Power given him in tl^ai; behalf^ t(]rfi^eaiteiii& JLaw in alfuJl a-mannef upon fuCh Qffendei^i, being fully! proved by tv^o Witnefles,^ as la Jiiitice oft feace now! hath or that; there may be aT tultiCef or Conin:»ffioQers: appointed in eaclu; rredjift or farifli, orCommiffioners accord ding to the greatnefs or iftxallnefs of tfaole Divifiofts ^ and they nhight have Power Jtoi adminifter an Oath toiiich \¥itneffes :• At^kl by this means^ in a fhort time, the I«at]di purged from &ch deteflable: Aboq nJay minatioo^. And if, any^iuckpfficers ftudti T^fhfe to^db. their Duty), they may beiPn*! nifhable by a fuperior Power : And Ibjitfecf -,

^

Mfm^ »Ji5 EiJ0ues(.

toft!)

And

fo

much

the Drnnkardj

(hall fcrve to

8ce.

^^ be fpoken of

and the dilmal State he

is in.

1^

I (hall noxt (hew the SHORTEST fbefng new) way to Reform him. t

vk

The Drunkard

fins

for the moft pari great pity he fli wldj

with Impunity ^ and *tis for when he Reels, and Foams, and Swears, he's a BlemK'b to the jHumaa Nature, ana helow the dignity of a ILeafonable Creature, he ruines his own Health, turns the Gift-^ of Providence to a wrong ufe, and iii the end, will peeve the greateft Enem:y to hiqi'^, So. that! 'twould be the grcateft ObUfelf gaticn one coiiid do him,;Iof £aft him into Vertue and Sobriety ; and the Method' I'i propofe fhould be this : Whoever is oyer-, .

taken in Drink,(hQuld be carry'd to a Workr HoulJe, andi there have no other AUowaiipe^, but Bread and Water for one Year: Ai^tJ fo much as he may reafonably be thougfit tc have fpent each day \n:Dru/ike^rre/sl fliould be forfeited out of his Eftateto the Poor of theParifh, duririg that Year. Farther, when the Criminal is Enlarg'd, h$ thould ever after wear the Initial hetters of the Name of the WortHoufe upon his left Shoulder.. '

The

nifliment, detefted,

mat ion* r .^

-

of this Pu? make the Sin

Difgrace and the Infamy

would certainly and hdp to carry on the Reform -

.^^^

VIILTi^

Ci^e^o^

5#

CSIa?

Vni. The Shorteft Way with the &iMiiUtf In the Third Gommandment, God doth »ot only forbid the taking of his Name in vains but threatens withal, to have a watchful Eye upon thofe that doit: And however Men may, through remifsnefs of DifcipUne, negleft their Duty, and account fuch cuftomary Smearing no Sin , yet, Goi take his txiiU net hold them Guiltlefs^ that ^

iiame in vain.

Michael^ a Jewifh Rabbin, as he was Swearing^ and Blafpheming the Name pf Tefus, fell down, and broke his Neck. One who for twelve Years together ufed in the end his to Swear by God's Arm own Arm being hurt with a Knife, coul4 not be heard, but it felter'd from day to day, and.atlaftfo rotted, that it fell away '

•,

by Piccejncal. a Soldier at Ware (1649 J going to Wafli himfelf in a River, wasadviled a^^ fo deep ^ to whom be mj f;ainft it, being war'd, God Damn me, if it be^as deep di

And

^ell^ Ivoillgo into it \ Which accordingly: he did s ^^"^ immediately funk to the bot-: iL* lo torn, never rifing again. It were to be wifh'd, That that Law tnade by Ludovicus King of France^ were

i

univcrfally

Eftablifh'd

Smareth^ fhould an hot Iron,

^b

k

,

That

Burnt ih

xxlhofoever ihe,

<

Mouth But

,

But now-a-days, Swearing and Blafphc* God's great and glorious Name, is Teckned for a Moral Vertue, the grace of Birth and Honour, the cognifance of an What Chriftian can rehigh-bred Spirit. frain Cthat hath any fpark of GraceJ to ua* fluce the Floodgates of his Eyes, and Kt his nielting Heart gufh through in Tears, filing

when

the Streets he (hall hear Littit Q)iidr0n^ fcarce able to Go, or Speak to be underftood, volley forth moft fearful Oaths, and with (uch readinefs, as if they had in

been tutor'd in their Mothers Womb? Whilft their Parents (landing by, offer not to Check them with fo much as a four Reproof ^ but feeming rather to folace them(elves in their Childrens Sins, and delight in their own Damnations, like thofe who Die of a Sardinian Laughter. How many miraculous Judgments hath God (hot out againft theBlafphemersof his Sacred Name > What Sin can be more Damnable ^ and yet, what more praftifed? None can fooner plunge the Soul into the implacable Gulf of Perdition, and yet no Sin fby earneft Endeavour^ fo ea(ie to be cropt off, and weeded up : For Swearing ij no Incidental ilTue of Natural Corruption, but an Accidental Monfter ingendred of corrupted Cuftome. A Learned Father confcfTeth, That at every other word^ he once ujei to Swear ^ but at length endeavouring to lock up the door ofhiji- Lips, to fet

Tongue^ imploring fit 'k imatch before his Divine Ajjiflcmce th'erein^ and intrcating inoreover his friends tojmite him with the Rod of Keprehenfwni, in forty Days, he utterly lofl the abufive ufe t})ereof: So that now Cfaith he^ nvthing is more eafie unta

nSi 'than mt >ta Smear at atl, It i^ Recorded, that Lewis ?II. King of ¥rance^ divulged an Edi£t, That whofoqyer ,

was known

to

War

againft

Heaven with

Oathes, fhould be Branded iu the Forehead, as a Capital Offender. * 'tAnd fo much (hall f^rve to be fpoken of

the Swearer^ and* the difnaal ftate he

is

in.

next fhew the SHORTEST Cbeing a New j Way toRefornii hinn. I fhall

a difintercfled Sinner he has neither Profit nor folid Satisfa£lion f«r his Guilt. In God's aecount, he's a Sinand 'tis fomething ner of the firft Rank Unreafonable, that Humane Juftice can't

The Swearer

is

•,

•,

Life for an Offence which Heaven will punifh with Eternal Death. However, I would not have him difpatclf d tot]ch a

when

Man s

there are any hopes of .Penitence and

Amendment-,

tho' I'd

fo feverely^ that the

The Method

I'd

have him piinifh'd Sin maytft be catch-

have taken with him

thould be this; He (hould Itand Gagg'd fbar.Haurs in every Towa within theCoun-

^

And as for his Ghrillian ty where he lives Tvlame, it (houid be lo s. Forfeiture to call For there's no reafon he fhould •him by't. :

Badge or Benefit of Chrlltihim, when he |ias thrown fo janity rauchCpncempt bDrh upon thjPraSlice and If after the Punifhment the Author pi it. relapfe, his PenqUy (hould kfiown,to be he tlm' upon his Repentance and be doubled Reformation, all his Infatny and Difgrace .have the lealt left

-^

(Jjould be clean wip'd off.

How

of Juifice would terrifie, I becaufe the Experiment has

this fort

,cannot tell,

not yc^ been made-, tho' I think it promifes as much to the Reformation of this fort of Sinners, as any other that can be invented.

IX. The Shortcft

to

Way

with the jLpaiT*

Our To;igues are the Indexes of our Mind, fignifie the Thoughts and Meanings

thereof to the World. If the one a'gree not to the ether, the Motions are falfe, and the Wheels out of ordcr« W^hat'isa Clock good for, if it doth not tell the true Hour of the Day / Remove from me the way of lying (JPfal. 119. 2^./ Ly^z/vare (hutout of the Kingdom of Heaven, and deferve but little Favour upon Earth, and fometimes meet with juft Pi^nilhments, {?i;ov,

^

The/pis

^fie

54

S)f)0?teft

SBifip

Tl)efph, an Athertian Poet, being cheeky becaufc by Solon for AQlng in a Play, thereby he did Lye openly in tijie face 0f F;?^ all the City, excused himfelf (Z% Mr. but in was Jeft t did with his frony)Becaufe it

To whomS^^/7

reply'df as

we do to

theHang-

loe publifti'd) If we co7?ime?id we jlallfoon findit Dr 'allo\G Lying in Jejl all our Bargains in iifed in gogJ Earnefl^

ing Jell

Mr.

•,

and Dealings. Cyrus told the King o^ Armenia^ That a tye was not capable of Pardon. The Emperor Trajan took away from the Son of Cuhatus the Kingdom of Dacea, only becaufe he caught him in a Lye. .

and Indians deprived the Lyar of all Honour, and liberty of Speech. The CWJc^^/^ depriv'd him of all Dignities, and condemn'd him to remain in perpetual Darknefs, without Speaking. Artaxerxcs having found one of his Sol-

The

Ferjians

diers in a Lycy

caiiied his

Tongue

to be

thrult through with tiiree Needles. And the old Scythians ordain'd Death for

the Punifhment oi Lyars. ^Fythagerus was wont to fty^ that i. things KY' be com e like unto God. ftowing Benefits. 2. In telling the The Devil was firlta Lya)\ and The CretianswtXQ loud Murderer

—And

—

hi two In be-

Truth. then a Lyars.

Terrullian faith of Tacitus, that he never open'd his Mouth, but there came ii)rth a

Lye-^

—

-It

was grown

to a

common Proverb,

felt!)

Proverb,

3

M%om

anu Eogiieis. 5:5 jfr^at, a Lpat One of 'em

undertook to (hew a Feather ot the Wing of^ the Angel Gabriel: But a noted Lyar has this Curfe attends him, not beiie&d when he /peaks the Truth Hieroyri wriieth' of one upon the Rack that uttered thefe words, God's Feopie are Children that mil not Lye^ they will Die rather Se?2eca obferves, That zLye is of a thin and tran-

Ws

—

—

fparent

nature,

through

a diligent

Eye may

lee

Lying

is a blufliful Evil, thetefore doth the Lyar deny hisL^^ Arifioile faith, A L>'^ is in itfdf evil, and contrary to the order of Nature, which hath it

Words

given

Mens

to exprefs

Mindjs and.

Meanings.

There

is a Threefold Lye^ which we muff both avoid and oppofe. I. .

(Iletbnh

when

Tale, or hringeth

up

a Man tells a falfe a falfe Report.

Doctrinal when a falfe Pofirion is aVerr'd to be the Truth of God, and Ihmped, with Divine Authority. 2.

•,

3- l^^actlCah this is not a Lye fpoken, but done ^ when a Man's Aftionsconcraditt

his Profeflion.

And

there is (giJUftOCatton now fet forth, of a later Imprelhon ^ a Peit which the Je^

have of late called back from Heil,for the Ccmfort of Afflicled Cathoiicks. But M is plain theD;?vil did oxiX^EquivocateyNltXx ®ur ^rii: Parents; and yet is calfd a Lyar, fuifs

^

H

5

Irs

s6

C(je g)f)0?tea 2Hii?

It's faid, Auguftiis Cafary after a long' enquiry into all the Parts of his Empire, found but one Man who was never accounted to have told a Lye: For which caulehe was deemed Capableand Worthy, tobc^ the Sacrificer in the Temple of Truth. If at this Day the like Inquificion fhould be made, I much fbr the Ahars of Verity; would rather be without a Priett, than the--^ Shrine oi Lyes without Viftims. homer iays, He hates him worfe than W~ll Mouth, that utters one thing with hisTongue^ and keeps another thing in his Which high Expreifion was grounBreaft. For a Lyin^. ded upon Divine Reafori Mouth is a (linking Pit, and Murders with the Contagion it venteth.c 'Tis cercain, the ufe of a lye any way,is as great a Fault as an Impertection, and carries a kind of diflidence of God along with it. None but a Coward or AthciJii* cal Sinner wull hide himfelf under the Lit•.

tlenefs ot a Lye.

Indeed, Flato allowed a lye lawful, either to fave a Citizen, or to deceive an Enemy : But I can't be of this opinion , for when a Lye is once fet on ioot, befides the firlt Founders, ip meeteth with many Bencfaftors, who contribute their Charity thereunto. And fo much fnall ferve to be fpoken of t\\QLyary and the difmal State he is in. I (hall

I fhall

a

next ihew the

Newj way

to

SHORTEST (being

Reform him. s

The Lyar is a living Contradiftion to the God of Truth ^and 'tis a Satyr upon the Great Creator, to have him reckon'd among He perverts the Inflrirment of his Works. Speech, into an Inttrument of Deceit and Error ; And, in (liorr, he's not to be fuffcr'd in a Civil Society.

has

loft his

Confcience,

of Mifchief with' his io perfeft a Froie-as

when a Man he may do a world For,

Tongue. A Lyar is that one can but de^

him in General, for 'tis impofiibleto him out in Particulars. However, not

fciibe find

Hand long upon defining him. He's one ihac broaches a Falfhood, with a deiign to Deceive. And this^ime Gentleman would the following manner I have punifh'd in He (hould have a Hole run through his Tongue, and be hung up by't till the Hole wears out, and he drops down. After this, he (hould have L Y A R infcribed on his Forehead, that he may Cheat no-body for to

:

the future.

Our Trading Lyars

will reckon this too hard meafure^ but I'm fure there's reafon to apprehend thofe for the Sin, that fpeak againft the Punifhment^ for there's not* a

Soul would Patronize a Lyar^ were* he not one of the Gang hirafelf.

lyars

C&eSIj0|te(!

58

CJLlctp

Lyars are fo prejudicial to Trade, and all Mutual Commerce amoHgft Men, that theymuft of neceffitybe hated by all but their 3Fraternity : Therefore I'll not have the Punifhment qualify'd in the leaft^unlefs they'll rather Vote to be Hang'd. And if in this cafe they might have their wifli^yet they would be the greatelt Enemies to themfelves^ fot 1 have the fame Affurance, That they're unfit to Die, as That they don't deferve to Live So that upon that very Thought, the :

mer Punifliment has legard it gives 'em Time lbs

X. The

Way

Shortefl

the preference, in to Repent.

with the %di^hi[t\y

God feparated the Sabbath from all other And Days of the Week for his Worfliip :

three forts of Servile Works were allowM. Luke 13. i^. 2. i. Works of Charity,

Works

diieSlly tending to God's Worfliip^

not only

of

Killing

Sacrifices,

and Cir-

of Children ^ but the Priclls might lawfuly blow their Trumpets and

ciimciling

Horns on the Sabbath Day fox the AlTem-S^o now to Ring faling of the People Bells,

tho' they

are in their

own

natures

bodily Labours, yet the Temple which was SanSlify'd, did change the nature of them, and make them Holy. 3. Works of abfolute JSleceffity ^ as the defending one's felf againft his

Enemy.

As

As God requires us

to

bath Day^ Jo as to keep

Remember

it

holy

^

the Sab-

fo himfeU'

Remembers them

The Day

that dare to Prophane iiChild that gathered Sticks on that among the Ifraelites, was, by the or-

God

Ston'd to Death, Nnmb, lo. Thefirft Blow given the German Churches, wa5 upon the Sabbath Day, which they carelefsly obferv'd ^ and Prague was Loft upon that Day. And as God began to (hew his Severity betimes in the Punilhing of Sabbath-Breaking 5 fo hp hath continued to the prefent Age to fhew his great Difplcafure againft ii ^ infomuch, that fames I. was much in the right, when he caus'd his Declaration for Sports upon that Day, to be torn out of his Printed Volume of Writings, where it is not now to be feen. And the BfefTed Martyt Charles I. would have fliin d as bright in Hi-

der of

himfelf,

ftory as he now does, if finffead of decliling for 'emj he had fhewn his abfaorrenre of Sports and Paftimes on the Lord'j^

Day. jfudge Hal^s

was of

this opinion

',

ancl,

therefore tells his Childrsn, He always PraJpered the following Week^ according as be

bad been more or

Lords Bay. And it has been obfcrv'd, That no Criminal has died at Tyburn^ ffince the Martyrdom oi Charles I,) but has lamented his Breaking the Sabbath, and own'd it 10 be his firftStep to a Wici^ed Life. The lefs obfervaftt of the

iailj;

o

dalljr Infrances

we have of God's Jiidgmeiits

upon Sabbatb-Breakers:, dangerous thing

is

i,t

tally prove

what a

to piophane the Sab-

bath.

At Akafter in Warwick/hire, upon the coming forth of the Declaration for Sports and Paltimes on the Lord's Day, a young Woman went to a ,Green tp Dance, where tiie fatd. She would Dance as long as Jhe could ftnnd : But While (he was Dancing^

God

Itruck her with a whereof (he died.

violent Difeafe,

Near Oundle in 'Northamptonjliir^e^ oo a Lord's Day, the Leader pf a Dance ifeli

down

fuddenly and died. At Woofjion, a Miller going on the Sabteth Day to a Wake when he came Home at Night, found his Houfe, Mill, and all that he had, Burnt down to the Ground. This (^fays my Authorj I faw with my own Eyes On the River Trent neac f Gainshorotigh^2S fourteen Boys were Playing on a Lord's Day on the Ice ^ the Ice fuddenly broke, and they were all Drown'd. Stratford u^oxi Avon^ was jt^ic.e Con-*^ famed with Fire, as the Inhabitants were Prophaning the Sabbath.— And a Month 3go five Perfons (hooting the Bridge on a .

-,

:

,

.

Sunday^ were Droyi^n'd. As for the Lord's f

tjie

Church

obferves,

Day which now it

was

fet apart

in

honour of the Refurreftion.-, and he .that keeps that Day moll ftriftly, he keeps it

and mott confonant

t6 the Church^ the Lord's Sanftifying Day,' in the Primr tlvje Times, was a Badge of Chrittianiry; Wh^n the Qiieftion was put, Haji thou kvpt the Sdbbath > the Anfwer was returned, I a^ a Chriftiar?^ and may not do Mermfe, teft,

That Iioty Man, Johanna bath

Day

,

when the Sab-

approached, put upon

hini his

welcomed the Sabbatli v^ith thde.words^ Co^ie^. my fweet Spoufei He was glad' of it, as the Bridegroom of

bdt Apparel,

jrfie

and.

Bride.

.

.

'...'.

..

.

Even the T^r/^? keep a Sabbatlv and obferve it in fuch

a: rigorous manner, that a about i6di, his Ears nailed tq Turk had

feiy.ShoiJ-Bqard, for

Opening

it

too timc^

Having made fonrre few Remains-. oil the and view'd the Sabbath Breaker in f the Judgments tha^ attend^ his Sports ^jid Jaftlmes on that Day, We'll next yievi him at Church, and at that time whenthi PreathfeTiScin the Pulpit, and we ftiall there

,Sabbith,

fuch Counterfeitifigl, fojob Diffembling,. and fuch Mocking pf

fte^fuicfr Hypocrifie,

Qtwi^f

that feeing his.

kirrdled- againft

him

Wrath

is

for his Sins,

fo ofteq

were

it

not a^ dften quenched by hisMercy, it could not te, but that the Juftice of God would thete Attaint him. 'J^^Th.etfe

yotifhail fee

when he

is

him

that in his Lifq.

thejhew of the Wcrld) otu of the Church, liveth as if I he

^"!id (f!onverfation\(^/v?

^ he made

CSeS)6«teff ISIap

62

doubt, whether there were any God, or no yet he will there join with the Preacher in Prayer, and cry out, Our father which art in Heaven, Hallowed he thy Name^ (faith the common Swearer) who with unhallowed Lips, doth everyday Blafpheme the Name of God. And he' that repofeth his whole Felicity in the traRhtory Pleafures of this World, makes Gold his God, and wh^fe that •,

Heaven

upon

is

this Earth, will

there be-

feech in Prayer, Lord, let thy Kingdom come.. Another, that repines ac' the Ordinances of God,, that will murmur and grudgs at thofe Vifitations wherewith It pleafcth God fomedmesto afflift him, will, yet make Petlcions, Thy will be done on

Earth as it is in Heaven, \ .There you fhall fee him to;make '

'

ce^Kpn for his h/iWelf all the Drinksjv/ '.

JS^ot,

Week

after,

with his

Th^t the

that ."leeks Revcngcs^fortbe

that

was

Bi'jody-

t\-ii£^':k)f

is this,

ihe Malicious, the Wrachful,

for biiti

I<:u(t()itence

flaily

^.J^ii'mi'

,

what a Mifery

Goiiteriiijous, ar-id

ilnter-

daily Breads that pollutes

-.' :

;

offered him, i^ovnt-

foniedmes

E-evenge,

times jwill yet WutaA'gra^t rigor and violence crave I)/ Fedtion, Lord^ forgive itr oar tr€'r ffajje^^\as %ve forgive' them that Jrfjpiafs «?i,^<2i/{/f^i^ drawing thereby their own Pambj^

:&ilts

.

i<)f .. Iku^^^^^^

at

•,

:

riatipJ9!,iipo;i

all

their

own^Heads

?

You

^

You may

tioner,

on Sunday, fee the Extorthe Adulterer, the Blalphemer, unalfo

der the Colour qf t>evotion^ fo transform themfelves into fhow of San£tity, that during the time of the Sermon , they feeni to be Saints, but being out of the Chittch-dcor, a Man would think them to be Demi-Devils.

There you

fhall fee the Ufurer, the BriBroker, with their Books laid open before them, turning over Leaves as bufily, as if they were in their CountingHoufes, Calling up their Debts, and Calculating what Sums were owing ber, the

them. There you fliall iee the Merchant, the Shopkeeper, the Tradefman, and fuch others as live by Buying and Selling, lifting up their Eyes, heaving up their Hands, and making (how, as if they were inflamed with a Burning Zeal.

But ihefe ufe Religion, as Women maki ufe of their Paint - it ferves but to cover their Deformities ^ they have one Confcience for the Church, and another for the Market.

And iki^

fo

much

(hall ferve to be

fpoken of Sabbath Brea^r, and the difmai Itate he

is in.

i (hall

a

next Ihew the

New; Way

to

SHORTESr (hdng

Reform him.

e

Clie ^5o|teff ^JIB^ fiiM

64

Wc

anderltand by a Saljiath-Brea/^^rSuch a^iaful Wretch as viqlatestheLp^d'^ Day, wliich in our Account^,, r^^ju^ps with t|i^j$rft

E^y of every Week.

' '

^

.

As to the Solemnity of the Day, 'tis ^t9gether as facred as the Sabbath jvasto the Jews:, for we are not fallen. uqier a inore Licentious Difpenfation th^n they. QurDuty andObedi^ce under the Law of Grace, requires as ilrifl: an obfervance from us, as the Jewifh Ruuals did from them; And feeing the Rule of Duty is now mads fo plaip, tiiofe who iin againft the Fundamentals of a Religipus Conftitutioij, fliould not efcape with Impunity. And in regard the Sabbath Breaker is the greateft

Criminal

of

this kind, his

Doom

be this One third part ot his Eflate^ whatever it is, fhould be forfeited to get the- Poor People fooae Gloaths, that they may make their Appearance at Church. Then, as for himfelf, he .fhould be forced to Build a Seat at his own Charge which flioald overlook the reft of the Church, and there fliould he lit every Lord's Day for a whole Year ^ and the Reader fhould befent home after him, to enquire how much of the Sermon lie remembers ^ and whether ll|all

:

he can repeat the Doftrine, the Method, and the Subdivifions ? If he gives not a good account, his Confinement muft continue.

Farther

-

Farther, fliould the ^c^ibath- Brewer fee never fo Old, yet he (hovld b^ ohljg'd to fay the Catiechilm u;i ,the-Chuicho before a full Congregation,

once a %i}jf}^/gj: pne

^

Year.

-./^

of Puniihme^t England (Fm perfwabut well lookt after, ded) would notcxpofeh^felf to the Wraith of Heaven every Lord's Day a? fl^e ^4?e^

Were

XL

The

this prefcription

Shertejl

Way with

the

^[^^T^^jX*

good Mame in Man and Woman immediate Jewel of their Souls ^

A

tteals

my

Purfe, fteals TraOi

^

'tis

is

the

who

Some-

thing, Nothing-, 'twas mine, 'tis his, and has been flavc to thouf^nds : But he that filches my good Name, robs me of my beft treafure.

of this, told the of Alexander^ That they fhould

Medius being Flatterers

fenfible

not fear to Slander boldly, for faith he. Albeit^ he that is BitUn Jhould be cured ef the Wound^yet thie Scojrat the leajl wUljlill reiTKLin,

I

own fwith Medrills)

'tis difficult

play

But tho the Flatterers of Alexander might S-lander at random, yet ^oft other Perfon^ have had Slanderers in great Abhorrence. Critlas was fuch an enemy i>o Slandering^ that he reprov'd Archilpchus^ becaufe he

i^ig jin

after

Game

for

Reputation.

fpakQ not well of bimfelf.

Darius

66

Cfie&ficqteff (K!la?

Darius made the Accufers? of Daniel to be devoured of Lions. Tiberius the Emperor condemned a great Railer with hisTongue^and commanded that hefhouldnot Speak a word the fpacc of « Year.

The

Lydiaris fent all the Slar.derers intd ^ fecret Place, far frofn all Company.

he had put Juftinian to Flight, caufed two of his Slandeaers to be traird by the Feet, and Burnti ^lato Banifhed Slanderers out of his Common Wealth. And Anthony ^^iit thofc' Talebearers to Death which could not prove Tueontius^ after

their Accufations.

And even

England^ a Detected) i%

in

Slanderer fwhen he once is deipifed by all good Men. But yet it is fit to take fome Short Way' with the Slanderer: For whoever looks about him, will find, no Venue, nor Crown A Slanderous free from Detraftion. is Tongue will Ailault as well the Miters, the Diadems and Scarlets, as the Ruffet Coat The Honour of Magiftrates, of Ladies, of young Virgins, many times moft. Innocent, is not fpared ^ when no Merit of Fortune can make fome Men* hope to enjoy their Bodi€S,they will yet lie with their Re:

make their good Name fufFcr. even faithful Servants, are fometimes Nay, traduced by the wiles of Calumny nowa days Men are bold to Speak any thing,fincc purations^and

-,

many

are willing to believe all

;

And we generally

nerally find the belt People are molt Slan-

The Dogs Bark againft the Mooi| deredtho' (he's fo pur.e. Frogs Croke againlt the Sun which is fo beneficial an4 rcfplendent. Monftrous Figures and the Names of Beafls have been impofed on the Vertues of Heaven,and there is no Illuftrious Planet which I^ath not beea accufed of fome Crime. However, they take no Revenge ^ and what Stains foever are laid upon" them, what Vapours foever arife to them from the Earth, they ceafe not to do good to the Slanderers^

tiidL

di (honour

them

:

K ei-

ther do they forbear to Enlighten the Earth which pbfcures them. And even good Men have the fame Fate

with the Planets. Anjlobulus through a faUe Report,put to Death his own Brother. Arijhphanes was Accufed by the Athemans Ninety five times, and as often Acquitted. Jujl Heaven will never forjake thehnocent,

An4 find the

if

we look

into Hiftory,

Judgments of

God

we

never

ihall

iail

to

follow tht^/anderer '^^•^-^Theodofuis Kjng of the Goths (in Rage) through a fo;rge4. Shortly Accufation, Executed Sym-machus ^fter he was lerved at the Table with the Head of a Fifh, which fecmed to him zq be the fame of Symmachus^ looking afquint upon him, with which Conceit, he fell ipck, and died. -Jkrofjbuhs. King of the Jevos^ took fuch a Conceit in riiar \m :

had

HUMMttft m«^

6^

KadflaSriliis Brdttef without hearing his The like befel E5(cufe^ that he diedi

—

t& A^ifiobu/U^ iot Slandenng his Brother AmieSus^ who Vomitted up his Blood in tht5 place where his Brother's was fpilt^ and, in remofle of Confcience, died. And ^ven they which Accufed Socrates^ not bei,ng atle any longer to abide the publicfc The Slan^ Hate, Strangled th^felves. derers Wit hath too miich edge But grea^" :

Mirtdsf (Tike Socrates) diffipate

Cakmmes

By tfe Innocence of their LiVps, as the aw Chriftal Currents of Riyers c^fty long the fmall flying Duft All' the Arrows of Reproach (as is feen in the DiC grace that befal Slanderers) return upon :

the Csflunnniator. Thus a Bafil isk defirous to inft£l a Looking Glafs, killeth himftlf by repercuflion 6f Vapours Which proceed Ancl the ^laijderer from his own Body like wherf the Accufers of like^ the doth f Sdcrates) he meeteth with an unfpotte^f Life: it is a fmoatK Glals, #fiidh Killeth him with his own proper AtaiS; •,

-

And

this reafon^

for

whenl^W///^ tfes

Chaftize tH6 Gr^c/V/Zi* fo^lbdakilfi^ againft him, He 6nl)^ anTv^rdd,- If they Slander nte miihoiif rdafoH^ fxhdttiimitdth^f $0 if Ifhduld dortheMliim ? j^^rf^ldihej jidvifed

tt)

they -make

Mty^

both

tftt ifi

i^KmLyars. ^'-''

a BMter

Man y

fi^

IJlrii)^

myWdtds hni Diedi^ t^fr^ii ,

^

,.-

u^i^bn^

/-•':

And

And

fo

much

ferve to be fpoken

of the Slanderer^ and the difmal State he fliall

is in.

I (hall isi

next (hew the

SHORTEST

(f

being

new) way to Reform him.

The

Slanderer has neither fo good a Character, nor fo honourable an Employ, ment, that he (hould be fo very bufie at it'. As for his Charafter, 'tis generally a fecret and an envious Lyar : His Employment is to deftroy other Mens Reputation. There are abundance of thefe Monfters in the World ^ fo that a Man knows not when and the greateft nor where he is fecure Mifchicf is, they've no Mark upon 'em toi • make 'em knovvn by. •,

Pd

have thele Cormorants rigg'd out fomething particularly for publick Appeafirll

SLANDER

rance.

lliould be Infcrib'd

their Foreheads, and on their Backs they fhould wear a Vulture in a Gnawing pofture \ and before this Devourer, fhoukl be Infcrib'd Reputation. Thus they'd appear in their own Colours, and wear their own Hieroglyph icks on their Liveries. Thus much for th«ir Habit and Appearance Then, as for their Treatment in the World, and in Converlation, I (hall offer E;;/?, The vileft Inhuthefe DiredioDS. fhould be laid at their Door, oa manities puxpofe to Teaze, and let 'em feel the Untafiweti which they've given others without

upon

:

K

taufe*

C6e

70

Secondly^

caufe.

^fwiteff mtii?

Whenever they begin to

at the Reputation of others, the fhould as often be believed, contrary quite and afferted t^ their Face.

Nibble

This would either Reform 'em, or make 'em weary of Converfation ^ fo that they'd be in no Capacity of hurting People for the future.

XII.

The

Shorteft

Way mtb

the Ptt-^

fectito^

All that will live Godly in Chriji

Jefii^^

It is a glorious Jhallfujfer Verjecution. thing to fay with St. ?aul^ For the hope of

am

bound with this Chain, Chryjojlome fays, There* can be no greater thing The Apoftles themto glory of than this. Iclves gforied in it, that They were counted worthy tojuffer for the Name of Chriji. It was the Queen of Bohemia's Motto, PerfeIfrael

1

may

hut cnnnot hurt. Believe me Cfaid Philpot the Mdnyv) There is no fuch Joy in the Worlds as the People of cut or s

kill^

have under the Crofs ^ when our Enemies Imprifon cur Bodiesy they fet cur Souls at Liberty with God. 1 praife Cod^ (faid another Martyr J thateverlliv'd ChriJI

to fee this

Day

•,

and

7nerciful father^ that

Body

my God and ever he gave me «

blefjed be

to ghrifie his Na7ne,

The

toftfj

wamt&

aim

71

Kojyiiesf.

The Blood of

the Martyrs is the Seed of the Church ; yet were there Eleven Perfecutions of the Primitive Chnrch. The firtt was in the Rclgn of the Emperor J^'cro^ who caufed the Bodies of Chriftian^ to be torn in pieces with Dogs and to m-^ke the Dogs more fierce, they were braced in Skins of Bears, and other Savage Bealis Under him Suffered Peter diud ?auh •

:

It

continued three Years.

The 2d, was by Domitmn-^ who underftanding that one fliouid fpring out of the Loins oiDavid which (hould Expel him his Empire^ he caufed all thofe to be put to Death which defcended from the Race of David: Amongft the Jews^ he Exiled and. ConSned St. /6/;i^ the Evangel iff- into the \i[Qoi¥athmos. It continued two Years. The 3d, was by Trajan^ Who determined by Torments to puniih the Chriftiansi and therefore by publick EdiQ, Ordained that the Chriltians fhould Worftiip the Idols of the Gentiles, upon Pain of Deaths >

which they refufing to do. he made a great Slaughter of them. Afterward he Itayed the Perfecution, and gave them Liberty. The 4th, was in the time oi Mar, Au* firnamed the Philofopher ^ who Perfecuted the Church Militant in Afia and Europe^ wherer Lucius Varus was Gover-

rel'ius-,

nor.

The

Septimus Severus^riYvuck P^rftcutigo caufed God to difturbhis Peace 1 5:th,

\xniitx

^^

M.2^

fw

€:5e ©fjojteft

72

for one of his

Captains,

CBap called A/binii/s^

Rebelled againft him, who made all Britain Revolt from him, calling himfelf Emperor during his Life. The 6rh, under Maximns^ who moft Devilliflily Perfecuted the Chriftians, being offended that A. Severus had fupported them. The 7th, was in the Reign of Decius^ who Perfecuted 'em in defpight of his Pre< .

who was Chriftned. Valerian's Reign who

decefjbr Yhillip^

The

8th,

m

^

id-^

the beginning greatly favoured them-, but afterwards he was feduced by a Magician of Egypt, becaufe they impugned his Deceits and Sorceries, and Perfecuted them

wiih great Slaughter.

The

the time of the Emperor Aurelius who the firft fix Years ufed them moft lovingly ^ but in the end, by the provocation of the Devil, he Perfecuted them throughout all the Confines of his Eni9th,

in

•,

pire.

The

loth, under Dioclejian^ which continned ten Years together, of the; which, Eujebius and Orojius were Eye-witneffes Jbme were Broiled and Scorched Alive ^ o•,

thers> their licen

Flefli

it

had

Wool.

The nth and fiata

Carded, as tho'

^

who

laft,

was

\if

Juttanus Afo-

feeing that the Blood of xh^ the Seed of thfe Chufch,t€mp-

Martyrs was led diverSj by Fref^rments and

Offices,

to

commit

fef rtj

commit

Wboi^ ana laoffttesf.

Idolatry.

This was the

7^ greatcft

Wound

that ever the Church receiv'd. Yet we find the Bvils done te God's People have been repaid bv a juft RetributioH to their Enemies ; Pharoah and the E^yp-

were Cruel Enemies to God's Ifrael^ and defigned the ruine of their poor Innotians

cent Babes : And God repaid Ir, in Smiting all the Firft-born of Egypt in one Night, (Esiod, 12. 29.)

Hamman

etefted a Gallows Fifty Cubits high for Mordecai ^ and God fo order'd it^ that himfelf and his ten Sons were Hanged on it. And indeed, it was meet (zs a Reverend Divine faith) That he Jhould eat the

fruit of that Tree which himfelf bad planted (Efther 7. loj Achiiophel plots againft David^ and give^ Counfel, like an Oracle, how to procure

And that very Counfel, like a furcharged Gun, recoils upon himfelfj ar4 his Fall

:

procures his Ruine.

The Arm which Jeroboam flretched out to Smite the Prophet, God Smites. And room, I could give 500 Inftanccsof Divine Judgments upon Terfecutors, Maximius, whofet forth his Proclama-

had

I

tion for the utter Abolifliing the Chriftian Religion, had a fwarm of Lice fent to prey

upon

his Entrails.

Charles IX. who made the Streets of Paris to ftream with Proteftant Blood,

74 Died

Clje

g)fj02te(!

Mm

iiis Blood ftreaming from of his BodyStephen Gardner^ that Burnt fo many of God's Servants to Allies, was himfdf fo Scorched up by an Inflammation, that his very Tongue was Black, and. hung out of

miferabijr,

all Parts

his

Mouth.

Burton^ a Papift in Q. JMarf^ R^^gn, goes to Church, and there fays to the Cur. rate, (then Reading the Engiiih Service) Sirrah^ will you not Jay Mafs ? Buckleyour /elf to it^ yoa Knave ^ or by God's Bloody Vll Jheath my Dagger in your Shoulder, Shortly after, Riding with a Neighbour over Fen Bank^ a Crow flew over his Head with her ufual Note, voiding her Excrements on his Nofe, which run down upon his Beard, and fet him fo a Vomitting, that he haltKed Home and to Bed, wheie hecontinu'd Vomitting, Swearing and Curling at the Crow, till at laft h-e Died. And if we look into our own Times, we (hall fcarccly find one Perjecutor that has died a natural Death.

One of Alderman had

Cornijljes

his Brains dafht out.

himfelf

•,

Another (hot

and Time muft (hew what will

become of the

Tis

JuryMen

rclt

thought that Matchlefs Yerfecutor (^the French KingJ will never D'}fi in his in his Bed. generally

Thofe

)

,

toitlj

©Sfjoits^

ana jRoguesi.

Thofc two Ferfecutors^ Hilton and 5^^^, Branded for Perjured

tvere both

The Woman

Villains.

that Inform'd againlt

Mr.

World an infamous And I'm told, that Juftice Bakh

Rofwe!^ went out of the

Wretch.

died figning a Warrant for Seizing that eminent Servant of Chrift, Di^Samitel Annefley, And 'tis certain ('for I heard it my fell that when the Devil came tor his Soul, he made fuch hideous Roaring as Irighted all his

Neighbours

And

much

in Spit tie-fields

fpoken of the P^/y^a/r^r.and the difmal State he is in. I (hall next fliew the SHORTEST (being a

io

Newj way

to

fhail ferve to be

Reform

hioa.

Ferfecutor is one who commits Outrage upon the Property and the Intereft of Heaven in this World ^ he commonly fins under the Proteftion of Power and Tyranny and 'tis frequently fo, that he can't be brought to the Bar of Humane Juftice in this World la that cafe, 'tis the Province of ivine Juftice to Torment him for ever in the future State.

The

',

:

D

However, fometimes it happen^ that he falls into the Hands of Men; And in fuch a cafe,

Fd

not have

him

difpatch'd

out

of liand, but this method fhould be taken with him Some filent and fome folitary Cave ftiould be found out for him, where he (hould be Fed, all his Days, with Bread and Wat^r, and a Divine fhould be appointed to Vifit him once a Week, and .*

CSe

76

©fioiteit

oaap

to Read Leftures of Terror to him ^ the impreflion of which, in fo Thoughtful a Place, would link upon his Confcience, and prove a feverer Torment to him than any that can be invented. knows but this might iffue well, and prove a very merciful piece of Cruelty .^ His Guilt and his own Confcience wouM never Sleep quietly in fuch Silence and So-

Who

litude,

which perhaps might melt him

into

This fame true Penitence and Contrition. Method would I have prafticed upon Lems XIV. was but the Perfecuting Tyrant once

in

our Hands.

XIIL The

Way

with the Cotttetl* ten Cucfeoltu

Shorteft

fimple Cuckoldom is no Vice 5 for if the Wife will be Lewd, how can the Husband help it > But to be Jealous of and for a a good Woman, is a great Sin I

own

•,

Man

to be Pandar to his

own Wife,

is

a

greater.

own.this is a Vice that can't endure the Rays of the Sun, (and is confin'd to Darknefs) but let the Vice be never fo abominaprivy to his owa ble, there's Mr. Cuckoldom ^ and Mr. P is the fame^ could name feveral Husbands, that and I hold the Door to their own Flefh and Blood, and are ('what a^Man may call^ Contented I

'

T

—

'Q.iHkolis^ ^

"

Th€

.

mi)

SMfio^es ana Eogjues^.

Jealous Cuckold of the two, yet is

The

Man

.

77

the more honeft more troublefome

is

thau the Contented Cuckold ^ for Jealoufie is the Rage of a Man ^ Jealoufie is born of a good Houfe, that of Lovp and Honour ^ but itdivideth Beds and Empires^ and hath Eyes ever fo Bleared, that it cannot endure a Partner, tho' but in Imagination. In Love Affairs^ Jofelfijh we are g7'own^ >] That the lov'^dOhjett mufl he all our own^ Or elfe we voi/h might be enjofd by none, ii

V

But

Woman

has a Fancy to Cuckold her Husband, (ot 'tis the Man's DeftinyJ I She that has can't fee how (he can help it. an ill thing in her Head^ will foon havi it in her Tail. A Mail may be made as Great (if his Wife is refolv'd a upon't) in the Time he goes to the Royal* Exchange^ as he may in a Voyage to the Eajl Indies, At Goa the Women are fo fubtil in Cuckolding their Husbands, that with a certain D|:ink they give 'em to drive away Care, (as they fay J they will maka them Sleep for 24 Hours, and fo Intoxicate them, that they can Remember nought of that they faw done, or heard ^ and by Walhiag of their Feet, reftpre them agen 5 and f# make if a

CUCKOLD

Husbands Cuckolds before their Faces* This is a new Experiment to make a^ Cuckold Contented^ and I fcarce know how their

to diflike

it

*,

for Jealoufie

L

is

only a Giij thafi

Cl&e g)8oiteff JSaa?

78 that

we

foon as

fet

to catch Serpents

we have

wliicb,

aa

caught them, Sting

us.

-,

The Jealous Husband would fain think the belt of his HandfomeWifes yet fomething (and often when there is no occafionj is bufie in his Brains, and in the fhape of Jealoufie prefents a thoufand Fears.

know

the Jealous Hu5band will tell us, that he's uneafis at his dear Sj)oufe, out of But, Tellom S'lr^ let Itark (taring Kindnefs. me tell you, Jealowfie's no better fign of Love, than Fevers are of Life ^ they fliew there is a Being, tho' impair'd and perifliifjg , and that AfFeftion is fick, and in dilbrder hxi^ if Jealoufie be Fire in pri-* I

;

vate Petfons,

tobefur^

'tis

Wild-Fire in

F|rinces.

VOne would think,

the Charms. of a Kind Wife fbould cure the Jealous Husband ^ btft "tis often feen, it avails little: For, as there be Serpents which are naturally Ene-

and as Oogs do not Bark againft the Moon, but when (he is petfeft, and poflefles all her Light \ fo there be Jealous Devils, who have a particnlar Spite againlt pleafing and illuftrious Vertues. I know the Cuckold will lay, CI mean the Wital who is pleafed with Tooting his Silver Horhj If a Man have a hock riiics

to fine Flowers

xvhich every

^

Man^s Key

will o^en as well as'

his own^ whyjhould he think to keep it pri-

vate to himjelf?

Of

, .

£050?e0 ana Ecgitep.

tuitl)

Of two

thefe Contented Cuckolds^

forts

Som*

:

that fufpcft

7?:

there are their

Man-

hood. And fuch Contented Cnckolds were the Kings of Gr/^'^/^r 5 who (^as Burton tdk us^ will not Touch their Wives till one of their Biarmi Or High-Priefts have Lain firR with them, to SanSifie their Wombs. And I fuppofe this was the reafon for

Law

whereby every Bride to Lye with the Lord of the Manner, before (he Lay with her HusOr, 2dly^ Such as. Liv^e by Cuckolbands. that Scotch was obliged

dom: And

Men

,

fuch Contented Cue ke ids vjqxq

of 5V^

For their Wives (as I hin: before) being given to Exceffive^ Venery, their Husband^ are their Pandars v the ted

and when they fee any Stranger arrive, they prefently demand, If he woidd have a Mi^ ltrefs> And fo they make Whores [of their

own Wives

^

^nd'are contented, for a little

Gain, to wear Horns. I fear there b$ top many Knights of this. Order, fo dubbed by their Wives. Amongft the Carthagenians^^ the Bridegroom Peti* tions the King of the Country to Lye with his Bride the firft N.ight, and once a Year.* Thefe Contented Cu,ckolds lie promijfcuoufly ail together. And if we look at Horn?, (provided there's Moiaey coming^ wherc'sf, the Man but what's a Contented Cuckold} There's by Cripplegate finding his Wife a-Bed with another Man, put up the Wrong for a Quart pf Sack : 5*«--t*.

T

L

2

ptofter'^

.

profFet'd

fure

firft

a Pint

Neighbour

'tis

Nay, faid T-^ worth two Pints, which :

T

dethe Adulterer gave him, and clared himfelf fully Satisfied. (now Living in Holborn) Mr. B finding his Wife had Born a Man toonaany^" drew his Sword, and Swore if he had not' been his Friend, he would have Kiil'd him. Another Cuckold in ^mithjield^ (I could^ name the Man and his Sign) hearing one

—

had done

that for

him which ho Man

de-^

done by a Deputy, foUow'd^ iiim in a Rage with his Sword drawn-' z.ti6. having overtook him, laid Adultery tofires

to be

charge ^ the Offender hotly purfued^^ cpnfaffeditwas true^ with which confeflion

tiis

and fo left him, Swearing haddeny'd it, he would not have that If he put i;ap^ -;- ^ " of ileetftreet was morcP Mr. iC'^

lie

was

fatisfied,

'

.'

'

'

^

'

—

than thefe for finding G--r-- -> ia.BeQ with his Wife, all he faid, was, T^^ TLordgive me- Fatience^the Lord give me Pa^ tience^ and fo (Contentedly) left 'em togethefP told his Wife fhe might^ And Mr. (he would. If flie'd takem^ch as as Whore 4ake care to fallen the Door (^which fhe once forgotj that kis Servants might know n^'^ thing of it. But of all Cuckolds, I think none fo Contented-^^F' of Harzmch^ who beingasked by his Wife, Iffliefhould Lye with Sir ^ 'ion 5 /. and a good Goofe, (\x n 'm being Co'/!te,nted

•,

R™

"

>

'^

.

toitfi

being

sp

faJ6o?e0 arm Eoffitcs.

what he

fox a Night's gave, 'was, I

proffer'd her

Lodging^ all the anfwer he would not be a Cue kohl for all the World but you k/iow^ Honey\ wc zmnt Mo/2}\ cind the Goofeisagood Goofe^ that'^s the triah.

;.

orCt,

To

this

(lie

reply'd,

Deaf\

Then^

Itell thee (reJhall I Lye with Si?' knoifs, JV/fe^ you ply'd the Cuckold agenj that we want Mony^ and the Goofeisagood

Goofe^ thafsjhe truth ont, ^ And as there are Jealous Cuckolds, and Contented Cuckolds^ fo there is the Husband his own Cuckold, I mean that Marries on purpofe to be a Cuckold ^ and for that rea-

fon gets a

Captain or Enfigns Place,

^ome Lord or Knight may enjoy

his

that

Wife

witiiout Interruption. And fo much (hall ferve to be fpoken of

tht Contented Cuck&ld^ and thedifmgl ftate

he

is in.

I (hall

a

next fhew the

New^ Way

to

SHORTEST

Cbeliig

Reform him.

Contented Cueko/d is fo mean a Sinhe's almoft below my Notice. that ned, His Conjugal Affection mult needs be grown very Cold upon his Hands, lo that he'd fcarce feel the Puni(hmeHt of a Divorce,

^he

However^ he

(Jiould

have one, if

it

only to leffen and difcontinne his Sin. that fiiould not be all for he (hould •,

wers But

make

an exchange of his Cloaths with his Wife, and fox ever after he fliould walk in Ps^tticoats

^

M^v

S2

Cfjeg)602teff coats and his Wife that was, fliould be, obliged to wear her Husband's Habit- Botlr of 'em in this Drefs fnould be coni^n'd to •,

Ibme Work-Houfe during Life, where they'll',; Jiave leifure to refleft and to repent of their, former Follies. The Jealous Cuckold ^ that is, he who fjppofes himfelf a Cuckold before he has any Affurance of it, fhould be obliged to, v/ear two Anders of a Buck upon the front of his Hat, and never to appear in Publick without 'em, upon Pain of Hunger or Im-

This is but priibnment for his Life-time. a juft mealure ofPuniihrnent for doing an Injury to the Vertue of his Wife, and for Cuckolding himfelf in his own Imagination].

Shortefi Way with the COtoarU* Occafioned by the late i'owardije of Cap-

XIV. The tain

Khkhy^ &c,

Caution

and may ferve as a

to other Officers,

compared a Cozvard to the which hath a Weapon, but

Themijl(>cies

Sword

Fifh,

wants a Heart. every

poil^biliry

The Coward conje£lures of Misfortune, net only

forccafting likely Perils, but fuch as all the Planets together could fcarcely have con-

Other PafTions are grounded upon Things that are , as Envy upon Happinels, Ra^e upon Injury, Love upon Beauty But Cowardife is grounded upon Things that

fpir'd.

;

are

Coinsf Mifcbiefs, that neither be, nor can be. 'I'hey thu by an even poife might fit fafe in a Boat on a rough Sea 5 by rifing wp to avoid Drowning, are

are nor

:

It

Drowned. Then let me

rather have a

Mind

Confi-

dent, and undaunted wirh feme Troubles, than a Ptilfe ftill beating Fear in the flufh of Profperity. I had rather be confidently

Bold, than foolifhly Cowardly. He that in every thing fears to do well, will at length do ill in all. The Coward is the Trumpet to found the March to others, but fecretty founds a Retreat ro himfelf. He will Talk big when Danger keeps at a due diftance, but in time ot Fight, like the Moufe in the Fable, he will not venture to hang the Bell to the Cars Neck. Cowards Fight as fearfully as Jealous Husbands a&k after lome Secrets they care not to know, They will not Attack the Enemy firft, for fear to difpleafe him. A Coward will refign his Weapon, rather than venture one fmall Evils that muft be, the Coward Scratch. meets with before his time^ as ifheftrived to make himfelf Miferable fooner than God appointed him. Kirkbys Cowardife, and not his Valour, fent him to the Court-Martial, and has by 'this time Shot him to Death, or Hang'd him. Thus, when the PaflTenger Gallops by (ox Fights, like Kirhy^ 2l League from the Enemy} as if his Fear made him fpeedy, ihe

:

C6e %Mtt(t CHa?

84

the Cur follows him wi^^ an open Mouth and ftviftnefs^but let hihr'Walk by in a con* fident Negleft, and the Dog will nQvex ftir And this is Caution enough to our .at liim. F/^^ and ¥landers Captains, as they are Men oi" a Matchlefs Courage. But when 1 Talk to the Cczvard, I fear I Talk to the Wind for 1 never heard of any A£l becoming Venue that came from any Coward All the Noble Deeds that have beaten their Marches through fucceeding Ages, have all proceeded from Men of Courage. A Soldier being ask'd what Exploits he had done in Glanders ^ anfwefd, That he had It was anCut off a hrnchmarfs Legs fA^'er'd, It had been fomething, if he had .

;,

:

O (faid he) you muft Head Head was off before. confider his Can I be Short enough with fuch Cowards ? Abaga^ lo make fuch Valiant, caufed them that Run away from the Battle, ever after to wear Womens Apparel. I think a Cowardly Captain can't be too much Expofed ^ Cut

off his

:

for befides the Diigrace he brings on his Countiy, he Eclipfes God's Sufficiency, by unworthily doubting that God will not

biinghim

off.

And fomuch

..

(hall fervcto be

Ipoken of* he is in. i;he Ccw.ird^ and the Shortejl ('being a { fliall next fliew .>:'|' New) way to Reform him. T\\Q Coward, tho' pel haps he may nrt be a SiiiH^r under this very Notion, yet Tm the difntal State

;

,

*

fur^

iure he's a

(hame

and our Na^

to hi^ Sex,

of late from Topick of Cowardice / 'Tis a Dif^ grace among Men that don't wear Swoids and Red Coats but 'tis the liiolt -unpartion has futFered lufEciently

this very

•,

donable among the Soldiery. Fd have the Coward^ whether by Sea or Land, always put in the Polt of greateft Danger ^ and upon the lead fign of Fearfulnels or Retreat, hefhould be difpatch'd out of Hand. Thofe who maintain any Poll in the Army, upon a fufpicion of heir Cowardice, (hould be Cafhier'd, and Tent home in P«tticoats, and be obliged to w^ar the Livery for Life- time Which would prove a very fenfible AffliSlion to him ; for I know none that would* rather have the reputation of Courage, than thofe that want ^

:

So

upon this fcore the Mortification of Petticoats would go deeper. it

:

that

World may be fure to the Matter, the Cowardice of iuch a Perfon (hould be once Advertized in all the News Papers. And to lay yet a greater load upon the Puniftiment, a Third part of the Coward's Eftate Ihould be Confifcated to carry on the War. Private Gentlemen that are troubled with this Effeminate, Spirit, (liould not efcape the Lafh but after they are Pofted tor Cotmrdy^ they fliould be fent into th?- xlrniy^ and there Exposed to the greatelt Dc'ngers ^ and io foon as their Cowardice appears, Farther, that the

know of

•,

M

they

:

Cfje

s6

S>fja?tell

Map

they fliould run the Gantlet of the Puniniment abovemcntlon'd.

Were

this

Projeft put

psrfwaded v^e

fliould

Ym

in Pra£lice,

have a Reformation

arnongit Cowardsy which would be a National

Advantage at

XV. The

Short ejl

Jun&ure.

this

Way

iioith

the ©atttelfetr*

Sporting and Gaming is not fimply and abfolutely unlawful, but rather a whet to our Scuii^s and lawful Employments as Eating, Drinking, and Sleeping moderately and fcafonably, rather refreflieth our Spirits, and makes u^ more fit and brisk for Care and Bufinefs \ but the immoderate life or abufe of 'em, is of evil Report, and tends to the Effeminating of the Mind, the lofs of Time, and all the ill efltefts of aa •,

Idle Life.

In (horr,

where Games

are not ufed with

Seafonably, and Prudently, they are naught and dangerous* And for this reafon the Turks, tho' they^ ofuen Game, yet 'tis always for Nothing thefe cautions,

And

'tis

a

Soberly,

among them to own Nation all Di-

Capital Crime

Play for Money. In

oisr

ciLg is generally forbidden, 1 Rich. 2. Dicers Days Imprifonment. Punilifd with fix 31 Hc/iry 4. With fitting in the Stocks. 1 1 i/^/7. 7. Keepers of Dice Play with three. Years Imprifonment, Players with two, 17 Eclw, 4. And in the State. of Geneva^ A tjie very making of Dice is cojademn'd.

Spanifh Council held at Eiiberis^ Siifpends every Chriftian Man from the Lord's Table that (hall Play at Dice or Tables, for a

Twelve month, Cone, FJib, And the 79. Gerard Lord Fitz a little before his Dejth (which was Anno i^SoJ wrote a Peniten^r.

Sonnet concerning hjs former Gaming-, which is to be ih^n 'in a Pamphlet, called. The 'Nicker Nic^d. But there arc but ve y few People that fee the Folly of Gaming. tial

The

Ch'inefe delight exceffively in all

forts

of Game*, and when they have loii, care not tho' they ftake Wives and Children ^

whom

they willingly part with,

they

till

can redeem them. Claudius Csfar writ a Book of of Dicing and Gaming, which he Succeflbr Augufius greatly ftudicd. napalus was fo fubjeft to Gaming, confum'd all his Tiir^e therein:

the Art and his Sardathat he

Whofc

Motto was, Edefiibe^L^ide^poJi

Mortwn

nullaVoIiiptas.

The Greeks had four great Games appointed upon Mount Olympus in Arcadia^ which were

fo

Famous, that as the Romans

ufed to account the Time by their Coniuls, fo did the Greeks by thele Games. I own, fome Gaming has been made ufc..

Xerxes invented the Chefs- Play, to warn a Tyrant to avoid his Tyranny ^ and by this Play to lee him underlt^nd how ful

,

for

M

7

'

d.m-

C6e

88

aftoiteff

SBap

dangerous the Eftate of a Prince is, that doth not ufe his SuWeSs wdL But generally fpeaking, fewMen govern themfelves and many have as they fhould do in Play Ruin'd themfelves and Families by it. Of which, I could give many latelnftances^but (hall content my felf with fonlyjtelling my Reader, that near fi^////fl;7^, a City in Helvetia, a Perfpn at Dice ufed Blafphemous Expreflions, faying, If fortune deceive me vow J. willflick my Dagger into the veryBody of God^ as far as lean : And prefently the Devil carry'd away this Blalphemeus Wretch with fuch force and noife, that the whole City was aftonifh'd. And in the Year 1 5:5:05 there liv^d ia Alfatia one Adam Steckman^ who lofinghis Wages at Dice, he grewfodiforder'd (wanting wherewith to Maintain his Family^ that in his Wife's abfence he Murdred his Children, and would have Hang'd himfelf, but that his Wife comtngin, prevented it. And fo much fhall ferve to be fpoken of the Gamefler, and the difmal ftate he is -,

Is.

(hew the Shvrteft Cbeing a to Reform him.

(hall next

I

NewJ way

being one who Lavi(hes Bounties of Providence, FU ensway the .deavour to make his Sentence as Short as he commonly doe=5 his Eftate-, all thaf s left of it (hould be Forfeited, one half \

The Gamefter

-

'

'

•

half to carry on the War, and the othef half to the Poor of the Parifh: And as for himfelf, he fhould immediately be IrHprelt into Her Majefties Service. This Method would leflen the number of Extravagants, and Parents would noi; fuffer fuch frequent Difappointments in Befides, we (liould no^ Children. hs^ve the Roads pelter'd with fo many K^bbers and Footpads, which would be a National Advantage in the end. their

XVI.

Tk Short eft Way with the Wmtt^

By

mean an exa£ling

Vfiirer^ I

Creditor,

Plough, Parchment his Field, Ink his Seed, and Time his Rail?, to ripen his greedy Defircs.

one whofe Pen

is

his

'ThQ IJfiirer^ faith one, breeds Money of Money, to the third and fourth Generation. Indeed, many are the evafions which Mea have framed amongft the reft, diftingaifhing Biti;2g Ufury from Tootb/e/s Ufury : But both thefe are condemn'd, EzeA.iS.S^i:}. The old Indians and Germans knew not what Ufury meant. Amafis King oi Egypt mdi^Q a Law, That •,

the Praetor (hould call every one to Account they Lived ^ and if by Ufury ^ they ihould be puni(he4 as Maletaftors. Cato drove all the UJurers out ofSici/ia^ (altogether Undone by them^ and reftor'd • her to her former Glory.

how

There

po

tS;6e©5o?tc(f 8X3ap There was a Law amongft the ancient V.9mans^ which forbad all IJfury furmounting one Penny for an ^hundred Pounds, and they call'd it Unciarie Vfury. Agis^ xhQ Athenian QQx\tX2i\^ fer Fire upon «11 the Ufurers Books and Bonds in the? Market-Place than which Fire, Agefilaus •,

was went

to fay.

He

never faw a fairer.

one page condemneth the XJfurer and the Dicer, and yet fome Chriftians blufh at neither ^ which I admire at, for no Man of Note in all Antiquity (/^tt?j and Manicheestyizt'^x.^^) for One thoufand five hundred Years after Chrifl:^ hath ever undertaken the defence o? Vfury ^ neither is there any ground in Scripture for that diIn P/. 14.4. U/'//;'
Vfury

in the

Word of God.

It rather

makes

three great Rules which our Saviour hath given us in the Gofpel. Read thcma

void

Matth, 7. 12. Luke 6. 95. Heh, 13. 5. Let Men therefore take heed how they meddle with Vfury^ feeing there is iljch a Cloud of Witneifes againft it, and not truft to a diltinftion of Man's Brain making and Qxhti Vfury Jailing Vfury unlawful, -,

awful,

Money

till

into

by

this

diftinftion

they get

their Coffers, and lofe their

Souls

Souls at lalt. Lord^ who Jhali abide' in thy Tabernacle ^ Who Jhali dwell in thy holy Hill? He that putteth not out his Money 19

an ill Trade that excludes a Man from Heaven. So that I find the Ufurer hath no excufe for Hard-heartednels ^ for where can he caft his Eyes that he beholds not Objefts of Charity ? A Vfurer Merciful No, in cafe of Security he reiblves againft any thing lefs than two thoufand Pounds for a fingle hundred. By this we fee, (x\\o the World adores him^ that he is Poorer in his Soul, than he that Feeds hi the Hofpital. It fares with the Vfurer^ as Liquor with an Hydropick Man, who the more he drinks, the more he thirlls. Gold and Silver indeed I refpeft, as it bears the Pi. IJfury,

Surely,

'tis

!

of mv Queen heart to Worfhip £lure

but J can't find in

-^

it

5

for

my

what greater

Folly

can there be, than to adore that vyhich Nature herielf hath put under our Feet, and hidden in the Bowels of the Earth, as unworthy to be leen > Th^ Rich

Poor Man's

empi.atically

Poor, for he Scarves in the midit of Plenty, and wants (as he has not the Heart to ufe it; even

what he

To Starve in the midft fuch a piece ot Madnefs, that one would think the World could nor give lis one Inltance of it But fuch Wretchi:s are in every Town. pofTeifes.

of Plenty,

is

*

:

Cardind

,

C6e

92

SIjo?teff

Jma^

Cardinal Angrkt was fo bafely Covetous, go into that by a private way he ufed to fronn his^ x\^ Stable and fteal the Oats of Matter Hoxres. So that on a time the in the dark, his Horfe going infj the Stable finding him there, taking him for a

and

Thief, Beat

him foundly.

Braiihwaite'iQ\[s tinwiUing to (ell his

m

^

oX2i Vjurer,

who

Corn while it was at would an high Price, expefting the Market afterwards fall, rife higher when he faw it Beam ot in Defpair Hang'dhimfclf upon a which his Man hearing, and his Chamber making hafte, cut the Rope, and preferv'd he came to his Life : Afterwards when him himlclf, (and Fm fure I could match t,

•,

he would needs have his Man the Cord he had cut, and thus

in Ho^fdo/j)

pay tor AbTs'd him. '

Tou Dog

!

and

y hafpoild my Rope

!

'twasftrong

tight,

hut father Nights Agoodfuhfiantial Rope, to give its due, 'Twould hold an hundred heavier Rogues

Andcoft Vmfure a Groat

than Tou, r i r my Lije-, T/I/wear the Peace ! Iflood in ear o he brought a Knife lie vi 6C armis ca/?ie t, With vjhich,tho I for certain cannot know

f

^

•,

-,

meant to cut my ^[oathomer, he fpoirdmyGoods, the befllhad. He cut my Rope hnjure, and that s as bad :

1 doubt the ViJlain

Til

^

ftttft

UiWt& ana

n

Eoguee.

til trounce the Rogue 5 I'll try from Court to Courts If there be any Law in England y^rV : mujt fuch an Arbitrary Cur as be Divefi one of ones Right and Property ? f\[ff if the fudge fuch trices as thefe allovos^

A

Manfhan^t Hang himfelfin hisDiUnHoufe^ The envious Wretch dragged back my Stare-

ing Soul^ Juft clambring up againfl the fleepy Vole % And when with Liberty grown free an Id Corps^ (ant Chain d it to a pleafe ye ! ) all

dm

defird What Soul alive^ for both the Iridies Riches^ :

Would e'er defcena to fuch a pair of Breeches ? Let's Hang him upforfaving me^ and then If e^erl cut him down^ e*en Hang me up ageft. I

am

alfo informed,

That

a Pious

Divine

Vifiting an Vfurefs as {he lay Lanquilhing,

he told her there Were three things by her neceflary to be done, if ever fhe hoped to be contrite ift i. She was to be Saved Heart, 1. She was to confefs htv' Sins^ Whereto 5. She was to mike Rsftitution, (he reply'd, The two ffrft I will do willing:

.

ly

•,

but (hould

I

make

Reltitution,

what

my Children their anfwer'd. Divine The Without ,theie three, you cannot be Saved. Yea but quoth (he. Do our Learned Men and Scriwould remain

Portions

to raife

>

ptures fay fo

^

Yes, furcly, faid the Divine.

0^-

94

'SDlje

And

©Ijoiteff (K3ap

will try, quoth (he, whether they for I will reftore nofpeak true, or no thing, neither will I (^faid fhej give a Far' thing to the Poor. But Vis but iuft. That I

•,

thofe People who fliut up their Bowels of Charity from their Neighbours, (hould fufierby a Retaliation as themfelves were not Merciful, fofliouldthey find no Mercy'. Nafure had done well to have thrult fuch into the World without an Eye, that like a Mole are thusaftefted to bafe Earth, as if they meant to dig for Paradife. 1 could here give many Initances of Divine Judgments on griping Vfurers ^ but this one will be fufticient. Afino ChriJ}, io66, Reginherus Bidiopof Mijnia^ after Dinner, went into his Chamber where he had his Bags, {for h^ was a notorious Ufiirer) and Ihut himfelf in as it he would take a little Sleep ^ but his Servants thinking him long, firlt knocked at the Door, and afterward broke it open, •,

and found him Dead, with his Neck broken, and his Body of an ugly Colour, lying in a milerable manner upon his Money. And lb much (Iiall {'lis'q to be fpoken of the Vfurcr^ and the difmal ftare he is in. I (hall next (hew the SHORTESr (hzmg a Newj Way to Reform him.

The

Scraping Ufurcr has fo

iery and

Diiappoinrment

Trade, that

'tis

much Mi-

on his almolt a pity to encreaic in carrying

his

But feeing he's in greac his Punifhmcnt. danger of being Ruin'd in the other World, I (hall contrive fome meafures to give him adifgultto his Gain, or at lead, to put him out of any capacity of compalhng wiiut^ he has made the Bufinefs an4 the End of his Life.

have all his Deeds, his. Bonds, his Securities, Bills, and indeed, all his Paper Burnt before his Eyes By this means, he'd I'd

:

lofe all his Properties at once. have ufually a" Farther, feeing fuch good Stock by 'em, fwhich for lafety is

Men

.

cotrmonly depofited in a Chett, or Desk, or fome fuch Conveniencej Fd therefore have a Itrong Chain, made out of his own Gold, and the UJurer (bould be tied to his Cheft, an4 there live out his Days in that d^ar Society.— And as for the Neceffaries of Life^ proper Food and Cloaths fhould be allotted for him as is for other Mad-men ^ but he fhould be Maintained out of his Burthen very fparingly , and fo foon as 'tis fpent, he Ihould be turned out to beg Bread. Thefe Punilhments, I'm perfwaded, would touch a Man of his Inclinations very fcniibly

:

And

for that reafon, they are the fitetl

Reform him. XVII. The Shortefl way with the ^Xit^XdXZ^

to

.

Ingratitude

out blulhing:

Divine

^

!

I

To

can hardly name it withrender Good for Evil, is

to render

Good

N

for 2

Good,

is

Hu-

mane

I

,

p^ mane

Wat

<S)&0?teff

^ap

to render Evil for Evil, is Brutifh y but to render Evil for Good, is Devilifh. Will any but a Monfler with his Heel kick •,

nie under Water, while I holdup his Chin to fave him from Drowning > But fuchi Monfters there are, as you'll hear anon. hycurgus^ the hacedemonian Law-giver,

•would make no Law againft Ungrateful Verfons becaufe it could not be imagin'd that any would be fo unworthy, as not to Recompence one Kindnefs with another. And the old Romans decreed, That fuch as were found Ungrateful^ (hould be caft alive to the Cornaorant, to be pulPd in •,

pieces and devoured. There feems to be a great deal of reafon for this Law ^ for under this Monfler //ri' gratitude^ have all Vices been compreheh-J ded. Omnia dixeris Ji ingratum dixeris,^

Q^

Henry the 4th o{ France^ fhe

Eliz. told

believed Ingratitude to be the Sin againft the Holy Gholt. I own, Ingratitude makes all things Black, but I won't carry the Sin fohigh, as to fay, fris the Sin againft the Holy Ghoft : But certainly the ungrateful Perfon is moft

who eat the Acorns, but never look to the Tree : Of rather, the Ungrateful Perfon may be com* pared to the Stag in the Fable, which (hrouded himfelf under the Branches of the Vine in a time of NeceiTity, whi^h beipg paftj he fell a brouzing, and eat thofe rightly

^

figured in

^

Swine,

Leaves

feftfj

tKIi^ies aim JRoguesf*

Leaves which pr^ferv'd him like the Spaniel,

who

as

;

97

afting in this

he gets

foon as

to fhore, fhake^ off mat Water which iup'ported him. The G;:;nerous F
Hke the Bee, is Murder'd for his pains. One would hardly thiirk there werefuch But if Monfters as Ungrateful Perfons you look into HilTory, you'll find the Syracufans Banifhed Dion^ by whofe Wifdoru :

and Valour they recovered their Liberty 5 apd being afterwards repeafd, they Killed him. And to fpeak my Thoughts, I think our Englifh Jacobites are as Ungrateful to the

Memory

of King William, The leaft prefent Intereft to an Ungrateful Man, cancels all former Obligations ^ it feeming

Glorions

to many, Thajt even Benefits fuflfer prefcription by the length of Time ^ and being once grown old, do no longer bind to Gratitude.

My

<

felf once obliged

a Perfon beyond all poflibility of requital, fas he had acJ^nowledged in feveral Letters)but upon the he was fo firft Misfortune that befel me, far from requiting the Favours I did him^ that he (^or for him j challeng^'d me to prove I had e'er Obliged

W

5—

him.

But

fent, there

Temper, '

Age

as Ungrateful as the

have been

Men

is

at pre-

of a Grateful

fhillip the Yrench

King put one of

5S C&e ©Ijoiteff mav of his Soldiers out of Pay, becaufe he was Ungrateful and caufed him to be marked inhisForehead with the word UNTHANK•,

FUL.

,

.

:

,

Crefus being Reliev'd before he came to his Kingdom by one Pamphaesy afterward good in token that he had not forgotten this Turn, he fent him a Chariot fall of Silver, Pyrrhus was exceedingly grieved for the Death of a Friend, who Died before hQ

many

Favours. And the Gratitude of Pope Innocent 7th This Grateful was very remarkable.

had requited

his

Pope employ ^d a famous Painter, named, Andrew Mattineus, in Adorning his Chapel of the Vatican. This famous Workman therein ufed his moft exquifite Invention-^

(notwithftandinghe faw his Labours go daily on) felt no Reward coming, upon this he refoives to be reveng'd with fome trick of his. The Pope having commanded him to Paint the feveii deadly Sins ^ he, inllead of taking his proportion tor feven Places, added thereunto an eighth, wherein he purpofed to make a hideous Monfter. Inno^ cent more fully informing himielf of hi5

He

thi^ defign, the Painter anfwer'd, he left Place there, to reprefent Ingratitude^ as

the moft Capital of all Vices. The Pope fmiling, faid, I give confent thou Paint hgratitnde as ugly as thou pleafelt,lo thou ^hctPatience dire£lly over againttir ^ fi:om which thou art very much alienated, being unable

a

unable

little

expe£l

to

patiently

the

have refolved to do thee And prefently he gave him a good Benefice lor his

Good

I

:

Son's Preferment. By this it appears there have been Grate'Twas faid ful Perfons in former Ages. Do Cranme)\ him an indeed of Bifliop ill Turn, (he was fo ready to ForgiveJ that he'd be your Friend ever after ^ bu(Men are grown fo Brutifh in this Age, that now-a-days to oblige any Man more than ordinary, is the way to have him your Enemy ; So that all's loft that is laid out upon an Unthankful Perfon : He hurries Earth doth the Benefits as the barren Seed. In a word, the Unthankful Man is like a Moufe in a Satchel, or a Snake in one's Bofom, who do but ill requite their Hortefs for their Lodging. And as the Ungratetuf Man is a meer Viper, fo he is a wicked Man ^ and therefore our Saviour fitly yokes

them

together,

the Evi/^

And

fo

the Unthankful^

Luke

6. 3.

much

(hall ferve to be

the Ungrateful

he

To

Yerfon-,

and

tg

fpoken of and the difmal flats

is in.

next Jliew the Shorteji Cbeing a NewJ way to Reform him. The Ungrateful Perfon is one I have a particular Refpei^l for and having be^^n ib often Trickt by him, I have jaowan opportunity to mak^ evea with him, 5 1 have I fliall

•,

have read of one, who advancing his Friend, was himfelf put out of Office by Whereupon he made his own Beneffeiary a Prefent of an Emblem to the XJngrateful^ which reprefented the Sun Eclipfed by the Mo»n, with this Motto, Totum adimit quo I

:

nigrata refulget : She oh/cures the Sourfe This Inlcription was iff her oz»n Light, Witty and Satyrical enough, but yet 'twas too. Mild for the Sinner. r.d have the Ungrateful Perfon punifh'd, as the Heathens

him who

were accuftomed to Punifh the Reputation of

had injured

They would

not

condefcend to Speak to him, nor (hew him the lealt Ofanother-

They would not fell Neceflaries of Life, nor fo him the very much as fufFer him to draw Water. fice

of Humanity

Now,

:

endeavour to bring home this Punifhment to the prefent purpofe : And there wants nothing but that his Name UNGRATEFUL (hould be Infcrib'd on his Forehead, that People may know him : And after this, he that (hews him the lead Civility, that either Trades with him, of -Supports him, fhould have hisEftate made a Forfeiture lo the Crown. By thefe Means, the Ungrateful Wretch mult be iorced to wander like Cain^ and fo be cut off from ail Communication with He muft Travel in Deferts and Mankind in Solitudes, and there Converfe with WildBeafts and Monfters, which yet are not fo I (hall

.*

Frightful

toftft

?Il5a?eiS nnl!

Eipesf*

lai

Frightful and Monftrous as hfmfelf. I havd only to add, That the Mark (hauld be fixt upon him, by the Friend againft whom he has committed the Ingratitude ^ and this

would add to the Solemnity of the

Punifh-

-meHt.

XVIII. The Short eft Way with the ©COllr*

A ^old is the very abftra£l of Impudence. A

Husband which meeteth with lo ill a Chance fas to Marry zSeeld) daily Afteth that Part in kis Houfe, which did heretofore Vrometheus on the Mountain of Cauca* yix, when a Vultur rent him Alive, and gnaw'd upon his Heart. A right Scold hath a Fury in her Breaft,

more than Hell

ever knew-, and will he Like a great Ger* fent thither in time man Clock, (he Rings a tedious Larum to

her whole Houfe, and then is quiet* again for ao Hour. Stroudj the Cook at Weftminjler^ out of a miflik« to the Preacher^ went to the Ta-

"^

At Night his Wife entertained hiih •asif (he would have bailed him inftead of the Mutton, faying. The Devi/^ the Devil ^ouli fetch him. Said he, I know the De* vil will do me no harm, for I have Mar.,!led his Kinfwoman A right Sco/d will not let her Husband Sleep, nor Eat, nor ^©rink, but will ftill torture him with a Ipeal of Chiding j fo that he i^uft gonfefs vern.

' '

'^

Q

th9

CSe S)!)0?ttff ^ap

J 02

the troubled Sea more calm the Thun^ct withlcfs violence cleaves the Air^ the Ravens, Screech Owls, and the Mandrakes Voice, are his conftant Mufick ^ and for his Friends that come to fee him, they art all Deaf with her loud Clamours. In a word, (he vents forth againft her Husband all the Gall of her Spirit, which is more bitter, and comes from a far worfc Spring than Poifon. Upon Sufan Aretln in St. huke^s Church in Venice^ is an Epitaph thus Englifhed. •,

Scolding Aretin lies in this Grave y She who at all^ exceepting God^ did Rave y And if the reafon you deftre to have,

The

—

—

She kne^ him not.

might enlarge upon all thofe Railing ;>(} enough terms which I was never Scoij^ I

<

to nnderftand; but I

am

fick ot

uuungfolate

and for that rearer. WiU not wind you np (fdear Lara ;v R^ and run out your Li'ie ct length, and lo be quiet. And fo much (iialL ferve to be fpoken of the Scold^ and the difmal ftate (he is iii.

Language,

I (hall

a

next (hew the

New) Way

to

SHORTEST (being

Reform ,.,.;._;,

tex, ^

.1:.

,

.. '\

i..

fc^-t

The

Scold is commonly a Creature of ther^.iiale StX; And the ufual methods of Cjre. are aUogether ineffeaualj for (he

kas nc.iher th^

Icalt

ingenuous Sentiment, nor

Tcnfe of (hame left ncr : S9 Lhat I'd take a very bhti? w^y wifh her. She fhowldhave aliheri( re Teeth pluckt out, and fo much of her Tongue cut off, as (hould efteftualiy hind«r her Noife and Clamour for the future And if her Tongue, as Fin afraid, fhould begin to grow, it (hould Lje par'd once a Month, to keep it within limits ^ and whenfoevcr (h^ offers to break loofe through all thefe impediments, I'd have her Duckt in cold VS/ater, till her Paflions begin to cool and fubfide a :

little.

|f this PreTcxiption don't do her bufinefs, her all the AfTiftance that my cold promifc I Invention cgn furnifh For really, Tve io :

tender ^ Refpefl: for her,

that I

had rather

be among Cats when they're Caterwauling Eterjial Din. than be tormented with

W

JETX The Shorteft Way with the (JjtO^-

As Men fick of an Atrophy, Eat much, but Thrive not 5 fo thefe, tho' they Devour Widows Houfej, Feed upon the Fat of Land, lay Land to Land, and hoord up Treafure to Enrich a Progeny of Riotors 1 yet they feldomThrive with the Fat qI their Extortion. If the Extortioner have once Wronge4 a Mail) he is io far from ipaking him amcfids 2

9

Wtf^

104 amends, that

all

his Race, Friends,

Aflbciates, fall into his chace.

They make themfclvej Remarkafele,

as

dreadful Comets, by the Ruin of the whole World. They live in the Society of Men, as Pikes (cdiWd. the Tyrants of Rivers) in the eonipany of other Fifhes to Ruin, Devour, and Fatten themfelves with the Blood of the •,

Cpmmons.

A

poor

Man

in Sevilin Spain^.

having a

of the Fathers of

Fruitful Pear-Tree, one

(fuch l^yrants Reqiiefi^; are Commanh) fome of the Fruit thereof* The poor Man , not to gfatifie , btit Fear to offend, as if it were a Sin for him to have better Fruit than his Betters, (fufpe£ling, on his denial, the Tree might be made his own Rod, if not his GaTlovi^^)

Inquifition defired

piuekt up Tres?, Roots and all, and-gave unto him. So that, the Extoriioner is like theT^rwhich growing up tarian^\'AViU Boraneth -^

to the vifihle for;n of a Lamli,. inlenfifely Eats up all the Grafs roun^ about it -^ n Bat fuch Riches areHan^s that take tneif Wal'.er by the Throat ^ they ar^ Ponyafds with golden Kafts, v\?hich jdjeliglit the %e^ Wliatever the Kxfcut pierce the Heart. think§ of tortioner his Riches, I^flli^e IjiSi it caiinot tj^ji^'h.olelbmi wheh every Morfel of his Heat is Mumnny Tgood Phylick, but ,

,.

.

tut bad Food^ made of the Corps of Eftates.

'

Mtm

.

be fpokeu of difmal State he the Extortioner^ and the

And fo much

(hall fetve to

'^''^^

is in.

'^^f';/ I

the Shorteft Cbeing i to Reform him.

I (hall next fliew

New) way

Extortioner is worfe by thtee degrees than a Foot-Pad, and wants but a very little of the length of the talleft Sin* Bcr. He has neither Religion nor Moralsthe Divine iaWthreatens him to no Ptit-

The

pofe, and the Laws of Nations and of Ni-

tore can^'t keep him within Bounds. His Funiflimeht is. ripening for him in Eternity^ however, 'tis pity he (hbiifd Sin on nfipa^

Mfh'd till he comes them TheShort way to Reckon Wth him

time can't welt be in

and I think I too fevere with a Sinner of his quality. Thofe whom he has Wrong'd, ihould have one third part of his Eftate forfeited

fliould be this,

to their particular Benefit : And for his own Perlon, he (hould have moft of his Skin extorted and pluckt off with Pincers^ and where his Body will bear it, the Sevc.

go deeper. This Punifhment is fomething of the nature of his Crime, and will explain to him, from the Argument of his own Feeling, how Cruel and Unrity fliould

merciful his Extortion hz^h^Qfh,

This

C6e

to«

»!i«|tef! 2Jt3a?, etc.

This Projeft might be put in praaicg with eafe enough for the Liws we have on foot, and liis very -Motions aipongMankind of commutative juftice, will deter, mine when there's Extortion in the cafe ; •,

more would be wanting, to tut Proteaion ftom the Govcrnmeirt,

So

that nothing

thofe that ihould attempt the Punifhinent

Thus I have perform d my TasU^ and with propofed a New and a Short Way toCri^ Offenders : The World is now left And I dont fe^r ticife upon the whole 5 in the thefevereJiTefi: For Jhould Ifall with Pefence ofVertue, at^d in ^ War

and Honourable^ onlj pitj and prajfar^ prophaneWorld.

"twmd and^I Jhould

Vice-

be Great

'^LL

ii—p——

F

I

N

^

I

I

.

S

^

5

T H.E

CONTENTS. T'T'^HEJhorteftifiay mtb the Haughty Page 4 Pcrfon IQ 1 The J})ortejt way with the Atheift 15 5 Thejhortejl way with the Murderer 17 4 Thejhortefi way with the Thief Whore-Maftcr24 way with the 5 The Jhorleft 6 Thejhortejl viay with the Strumpet 96 4^ 7 Thejhorteji way with the Drunkard 8 Thejhortejl way with the Swearer 50 the Lyar The^fljortejl way with 9 55 10 Thejhortejl way with the Sabbath Breaker 58 the The ShndQTet I Jhortejl way with a 6% 12 The/hortejl way with the Perfecutor 70 13 The Jhorteft way with the Cuckold, -jS 82 14 Thejhortejl way with the Coward the with Gamefter The way 8^ 1 Jhorteft \S Thejhortejl way with theViiwXQi 8^ 1

X

17 The

Jhorteft way with the Ungrateful Perfon 95^ 18 Thejhorteji way with the Scold i®i J 9 Thejhortefi way with the Extortioner xq^

.

3.11 Q''/"

1

-i*T JJ^^.L'j. cS'T

'i

3THC *^^^

w

t-'-'^rnj^ Tk^A

<.\V':s

v^^w ?\^^

.

.

??


ci:c>

c;3

A

:

lo^i.

;

tut

v^\:)z

wi:!

-^. .

.

\

71

<'.

u^

<-fc A-fc-^'A.-.

^m:%

M

^-

.

*\ .

i AAJt-^^i^SSxmLAjL.

krj^_SKi^